All language subtitles for The Chris Rock Show s02e03 Whoopi Goldberg.eng

♪ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪

NARRATOR: From New York city,
it's The Chris Rock Show.

Tonight actress/comedian,
Whoopie Goldberg.

Musical guest K-Ci and JoJo.

Plus, musical director
Grandmaster Flash.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)

Yeah!

Yeah, what's up? All right.

Yeah, all right.

Okay.

Calm down.

Yeah, the Brooklyn people,
must be here.

Okay, hey, hey, hey. Okay,
we got to start, hey.

We gotta get to the news.
We gotta get to the news.

Only one thing happening
in the news right now.

Marv Albert.

It is all about Marv Albert.

Marv Albert is the freak
of the week, I guess.

Now, this week Marv Albert
was revealed that

Marv likes to have rough sex
that involves other men.

Rough sex
that involves other men.

So why the fuck was he trying
not to go to jail?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)

I don't understand.

Sex and jail,
that's what he wanted.

Now, well, you know,
he got fired.

He got fired, man. He got fired.

It was actually good for him,

because he couldn't call
no more games.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

He can't really criticize
any of the players.

Can't be like, Shaq,
you're doing really bad

with your free throws.

Shaq's like, at least
I don't dress like a bitch.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)

You know what's really wild
about this whole thing?

Marv, he wore the panties.

He wore the panties,
wore the panties.

You like to wear panties,
that's your thing.

But then he had
the garter belts, too.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-The garter belts, too.

It's hard to get a woman
to put on some garter belts.

A woman like, "I ain't
wearing that shit,

what do I look like, Lil' Kim?"

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-Hey!

Hey, I like Kim.
She's a friend of the show.

You know what's wild, too?

Through the whole trial
he kept the toupee on.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

He kept the toupee on like that
shit really meant something.

Like he was really
getting one over on us.

He kept the toupee on.

He's like, you know, "I know
they know I fuck transvestites,

but if they find out
I'm bald, I'm over."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-It's all over.

And, you know,
what the worst thing

about this Marv Albert thing is?

That's all he's going
to be remembered for

the rest of his life.

He is the guy who wore
pumps and panties.

No matter what he do,
that is his legacy.

If Marv Albert cured AIDS
tomorrow,

it would be like,
"AIDS cured by the panty man."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS)

I don't know. What else?
What else? There's other news.

There's other news going on.

It's been 40 years
since the desegregation

of Central High School
in Little Rock, Arkansas.

-Forty years, man, that's cool.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

So to celebrate, the black kids
and the white kids got together

and beat the shit out
of the Puerto Ricans.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, hey it's a joke.

It's a joke, don't stab me.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Just don't stab me.

Whatever you do, don't stab me.
All right.

NBC, this week NBC
must see line-up.

The Monday night line-up
premiered this week.

Featuring nothing but sitcoms,
starring all White women.

Now as expected,
NBC beat out all

all the other networks
getting 75 percent

of the White female audience.

They also got 98 percent
of the Black athlete audience.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)

Yeah.

Get it 'cause Black athletes
like White women.

See.

There's something about
being able to jump real high

that makes you feel
like a White girl.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-I run too fast for a sister.

I need a White girl.

You know, I don't know.
I can't run, so.

What else happened this week?

The Country Music Awards
were this week.

Country music this week.

And there was not one
single Black nominee.

Not one.

Now when asked to comment,
Jesse Jackson said,

"Who gives a fuck
about country music?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

(CHUCKLES) Well,
we got a great show tonight.

We got Whoopi Goldberg
in the house.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)

We got Whoopi Goldberg,
we got K-Ci and JoJo.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

And I want you
to give it up for my man,

Grandmaster Flash.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)

Now when Tiger Woods won
the Master's tournament,

the face of golf
was changed forever.

Tiger's achievements have
supposedly opened up

the world of golf
to African-Americans.

But have African-Americans
embraced golf ?

I went to Harlem to find out.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Look at you. A good example
to our young men.

Welcome to Harlem, Tiger Woods.
We're very glad to have you.

Do you like Tiger Woods?

Not really,
but I'm still hungry.

He's a professional?

Yeah, he's a professional
golfer, Tiger Woods.

Who do you like Tiger Woods
or Michael Jordan?

Michael Jordan.

Who do you like more,
Tiger Woods or O.J.?

O.J.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

MALE POLICE OFFICER:
Please, pull over.

So, you got no Tiger Woods
posters anywhere.

No Tiger Woods posters.

Yet you have
DJ Craig G. On the wall.

DJ Craig G. is bigger
than Tiger Woods in Harlem.

How do you feel about the whole
race issue with Tiger Woods?

How do I feel? with all...

Me personally, I don't care
what race anybody is.

-I think he's a...
-It's obvious

you work in Harlem,
you better not.

(CHUCKLES) That's right.

-What's a bogey?
-I don't know.

-Uh, what's a sand trap?
-Don't know.

-What's a driver?
-I don't know.

I think his popularity
waned a little bit in Harlem

when he announced
that he was Asian.

Do you guys consider
Tiger Woods Asian?

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-No.

CHRIS ROCK: Not
even a little bit?

Not even this much.

-He's just a black guy to you.
-Yeah.

You can't tell the difference
between Tiger Woods

-and James Brown?
-No.

-(JAMES BROWN HOOTS)
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Golf looks like
it's very boring.

-Why do you hate golf?
-Boring.

How can we make golf
more exciting?

I think if they had like, golf,

if they had some nice music,
like maybe some hip-hop music,

and they doing like a little
bit more movement.

♪ Ho, Tiger Woods y'all ♪

♪ Tiger Woods y'all
Tiger Woods y'all ♪

If they would allow you
to play golf without a shirt on,

-would you play?
-Yeah.

Do you think nudity
would improve golf?

CHRIS: Do you have
any golf equipment?

-WOMAN: Yes, I do.
-Get out of here.

I've been all over Harlem.

I haven't found
any golf equipment.

What do you have, ma'am?

-You want to see it?
-Yes, ma'am.

These clubs don't really match.
Are they a set?

Would really you call them a set

or just various clubs
from various ass whoopings?

-Okay, this is golf pants?
-Yes.

Or are they break dancing pants?

How you doing, ma'am?
I loved you in The Jefferson's.

These are alligator golf shoes.

Just for the pimp
that plays golf.

Are you sure the yellow
and pink goes with this?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Why don't more blacks play golf?

I mean, I'm a black guy,
I can't figure it out.

I don't know
if that's really true, Chris.

Especially here.
We have a lot of blacks.

A lot of mixes
of people playing here.

Golf is a game for everybody.

Drivers.

All right.

Oh! Thank you.
You have the honor.

Thank you, sir.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Wow!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Fuck!

MAN OVER SPEAKER:
Negro, get off the course

before you hurt yourself
or someone else.

I'mma focus on the ball
like it's somebody I hate.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

MAN OVER SPEAKER:
Negro, Nice shot.

Oh, thanks a lot, Paul.

You know, Tiger's got his dad,
I got you.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)

Thank you guys!

My first guest tonight
has appeared all over the place.

In movies to-- everything,
stand-up, books.

She got a book coming out.
She's the woman, she's all that.

Please give it up
for Whoopi Goldberg, come on.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Child, pick my chest up, shit.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-All right, Whoopi Goldberg

-on my show, all right.
-What's up? What's up? Yeah.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You know
why I love you, Whoopie?

Why I look up to you
'cause you're always working.

Like a lot
of black people out of work,

-but you always got a job.
-Yeah, man.

You always got
like three or four jobs.

-I try, you know.
-Always pilots, and always--

-Always just--
-Busy with something.

Everything. Whenever you go
to movies, "Whoopi next week."

-That's right.
-"Whoopi next month."

When was the last time
you were out of work?

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-'Bout a month ago.

-'Bout a month ago.
-CHRIS: Yeah right.

No shit, for real. For real.

-That was your choice?
-WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Yes.

It was your choice,
that's not out of work.

That is out of work.

No, no, when you out of work,
you want to work--

You wanna work you go,
"Hey, I'd like to work."

And they go,
"Get the fuck out of here."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)

-That's out of work.
-No, no, no.

See, I thought I was going
to get this other movie.

-CHRIS: Really?
-Yeah,

and they said, "Fuck off."

CHRIS: What White girl
did they give it to?

Somebody, somebody.

They didn't tell you
to fuck off.

-Yeah, they do.
-Get the fuck out of here.

Why not?

You know. Why isn't that--
Wait.

-Y'all know about this?
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

-They don't read.
-You know about this?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

They gonna read this shit.

This is Chris' book.

-This is Chris' book.
-This is Whoopi's book.

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
-Stop it, stop it, stop it.

No, no, 'cause you the man.

-Stop it.
-You the man. Why?

You the guest.
I'm supposed to kiss your ass.

-But I...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

I have to come out here
and say this, man.

You are the man.
Your shit is funny.

-No!
-Your shit is...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

You gotta call it
when it's real.

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: That's right.

You got to call it
when it's real, honey

Because there's so much
unreal shit out there.

-What's unreal to you?
-Oh, honey,

You don't, you don't
want me to go there.

-I do!
-No.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-No, no.

-You know what's unreal to me?
-What's unreal to you, Whoopi?

How could you be with a man...

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, GASPS)
-...for ten years,

Okay? And suddenly...

He did something
you didn't like sexually.

So you took him to court...

and you told everybody
his deep business.

You know, I'm sorry,
something's wrong with it.

Ten years. Ten years!

-You know?
-Ten years.

Ten years.

And he can still
call the game,

'cause he's one of the baddest
motherfuckers out there.

-Oh, yeah. He's dope.
-You know?

So, now you gonna get some help
and he can't get a gig.

-That's fucked up.
-Well first, you got to get some Monoxidol.

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

Child, now see, you better hope
that shit stays on your head.

You know 'cause, you know,

you start talkin'
about people's hair,

your shit falls out.

A brother could cut--
A brother--

A brother could
cut his shit off though.

-It'd be real cool.
-Please, child.

White boy cut off his hair

and it's like,
"Chemotherapy, huh?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

No, honey, no.
You know...

No, a lot of brothers
try to do that shit.

Got them heads go like that.

That shit ain't pretty.

That shit is not pretty.
I'm sorry.

Your head got to be like this.

-Got the lima bean head.
-You got to have that, you know,

can't have that
kidney bean head.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Now, the kidney bean
shit don't work.

-You know.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

-Don't jinx my hair..
-No.

But, you know,
that's what I say.

You got to be careful
what you put out there.

'Cause, you know, you put shit
out there that comes back at ya.

Okay, okay.

It comes back at ya,
so, you know.

We know it's fucked up 'cause
he's going to be listening

to this shit
for the rest of his life.

-You were right.
-Oh, forever.

But, what do
we really know?

CHRIS: We don't know shit.

-You know?
-We know...

But we do know why
did he plead guilty?

Even O.J. didn't plead guilty.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

You know why?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

No, child, you know why?

-No, but you know what?
-O.J. was like, "I didn't do that shit."

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You know why?

"I don't know what
y'all talking about."

'Cause if somebody is deep
enough, if somebody deep enough

to put that much shit out on you
and maybe some of it is true.

Now, maybe he did
like rough sex.

Everybody like a little
spanking every now and then.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

You know not this,
but a little...

And you know you get your gir--
Yeah, child.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

You know and-- 'cause sisters,
we can't feel a whole lot,

-so you got to really be there.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

-Okay?
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

-You know.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

-You got to really be there.
-You got to really be there.

None of this pootie, poot.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-You got to, "Yeah, girl."

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

You know and you start
just getting all in it.

Then you say, "Ah!"

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-Ah!

You know?

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
-You know.

But I'm gonna miss...
I'm gonna miss Marv.

I'm going to miss Marv.

'Cause he was the voice of--
He's the voice of the Knicks.

And he'll get this--
And he'll get us out.

-Uh, you're right.
-You know.

But, you know, you rich.
You can always call him up

and have him do the game
at your house.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

I might. 'Cause you know,
he and I are into the same shit.

CHRIS: Yeah.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
-You know.

Oh my God. Okay.
I got to go over this stuff.

Hey, Whoopi's book
is in stores September 29th.

Please give it up
for the lovely, the funny,

-Whoopi Goldberg.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

-Thank you so much.
-Thank you.

You're a funny motherfucker,
child.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)

Hey, ladies and gentlemen,

My next guest
needs no introduction,

Ladies and gentlemen,
Pootie Tang.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

-Pootie Tang, Pootie Tang.
-What's up?

Welcome to the show,
Pootie Tang.

Aw, thanks, man. And God bless.

Wow, I can't believe it.
Pootie Tang on my show.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's good to be here,
little brother.

-It's good to be here, yeah.
-Now, Pootie,

I-- I got to ask you.
I got to ask you this. Now,

what's up with you
and Shadatay?

Oh! Oh, man, ain't nothing
going on there, you know.

Me and Shadatay,
we just tillin the say.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-See, so you know what?

I heard you was tappin'
the city prow.

No, D, no, that's a canopan.

All the way down.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll take your word for it.
I'mma take your word for it.

Sadatay (CHUCKLES)

-Now, Pootie,
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You got a new movie
coming out, right?

Yeah, yeah.

It's called Sign Your Pitty
On The Runny Kine.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-And who's in it?

Okay, we got Cleeper Sank...

Cole Mony, Truckie,
and Martin Sheen.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

-Do you have a clip?
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay. So, let's take
a look at this clip

of Pootie Tang's

Sign Your Pitty
On The Runny Kine.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Baby, I'm gonna sine
your pitty on the runny kine.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Wow.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Wow! That was great, Pootie.
Pootie, that was incredible.

-Oh, hey, Sadatay, you know?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Pootie, it has been better
havin' you by.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Oh, yeah.

I day by Samy, my brother.

-Cole me on the panny sty.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-What?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Uh...

-Cole me on the panny sty.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Cole me on the panny sty?

Nigga, what the fuck
are you talking about?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Uh, Cole me down
on the panny sty?

Oh, Cole me down
on the panny sty?

-Cole me down-- All right.
-I knew I had it.

-Give it up for Pootie Tang.
-I knew I had it.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

And don't forget to "sine your
pitty on the runny kine".

(AUDIENCE CHEERS, APPLAUDS)

Here to perform the song,
"Last Night's Letter"

are two gifted brothers,
please welcome K-Ci and JoJo.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Can we take our time
To sing to y'all ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I was sitting at home
Thinkin' to myself ♪

♪ Started thinkin' 'bout you
How much I do love you ♪

♪ I really do, yeah ♪

♪ I would never trade you
Never forsake you ♪

♪ 'cause nothin'
Could be better ♪

♪ That's why I wrote you
This letter ♪

♪ I love you always, lady ♪

♪ Last night I wrote
A short letter ♪

♪ Yes, I did ♪

♪ And it went this way ♪

♪ Yes, I did ♪

♪ Dear baby I love you
Just thinkin' of you ♪

-♪ Love always ♪
-♪ You, you, always ♪

♪ Last night I wrote
A short letter ♪

♪ And it went this way ♪

♪ Dear baby I love you ♪

♪ Just thinkin' of you ♪

♪ Love always ♪

♪ Now I know
I could have called ♪

♪ But it seems much better
This way ♪

♪ 'cause I'm missin' ma baby ♪

♪ I'm so blessed
You're my lady ♪

♪ You're my lady
You're my lady ♪

♪ Now, you know I can't wait
Until tomorrow ♪

♪ When you're in my arms again
Holdin' and kissin' you ♪

♪ Doin' the things
We always want to do ♪

♪ Baby, last night ♪

-♪ I wrote a short letter ♪
-♪ Yes, I did ♪

-♪ And it went this way ♪
-♪ Yes, I did ♪

♪ Baby, I love you ♪

-♪ Just thinkin' of you ♪
-♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

-♪ Love always ♪
-♪ Yeah, yeah. ♪

♪ Last night, baby ♪

-♪ I wrote a short letter ♪
-♪ Yes, I did ♪

-♪ And it went this way ♪
-♪ Yes, I did ♪

♪ Dear baby, I love you ♪

-♪ Just thinkin' of you ♪
-♪ Jo, Jo ♪

-♪ Love always ♪
-♪ Jo, Jo.♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Sounds so good, Jo Jo
Do it one more time ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Last night ♪

-♪ I wrote a short letter ♪
-♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ And it went this way ♪

♪ Can I get a witness tonight ♪

♪ Dear baby, I love you ♪

♪ Just thinkin' of you ♪

-♪ Love always ♪
-♪ Let's wave our hands ♪

♪ Last night I wrote
A short letter ♪

-♪ And it went this way ♪
-♪ Yeah, baby ♪

-♪ Dear baby, I love you ♪
-♪ I love you! ♪

♪ Just thinkin' of you ♪

-♪ Love always ♪
-♪ Last night ♪

♪ Last night I wrote
A short letter ♪

♪ And it went this way ♪

♪ Dear baby, I love you ♪

♪ Just thinkin' of you ♪

♪ Love always ♪

♪ Last night I wrote
A short letter ♪

♪ And it went this way ♪

♪ Dear baby, I love you ♪

♪ Just thinkin' of you ♪

♪ Love always ♪

♪ Last night I wrote
A short letter ♪

♪ And it went this way ♪

♪ Dear baby, I love you ♪

-♪ Just thinkin' of you ♪
-♪ I love you always, baby ♪

♪ Love always ♪

Thank you.

That's our show for tonight.

I'd like to thank my guests,
Whoopi Goldberg,

K-Ci and JoJo, Pootie Tang.

Yo, give it up.
Yo, Flash, take us out!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

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