All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E05.Kieran.Culkin.and.Ed.Sheeran.HDTV.x264-CRiMSON

.
>>> GOOD EVENING.

I'M JEANINE PIRRO.
YOU'RE WATCHING "JUSTICE JUDGE
WITH JUDGE JUSTICE."

TONIGHT'S TOP STORY, IS THE
PRESIDENT DEAD?
POLITICALLY, YES.

OTHERWISE, I'M TOLD HE'S FINE.
BUT FIRST THE JACK VEEN GUS TAP
POE IS AT IT AGAIN.

SICKY-NIKKI'S AND FAUCI-OUCHIES
UNTIL ALL OF US YELL HEIL BIDEN
AND JOIN THEIR ZOMBIE ARMY OF

THE VAXXED.
OUR FIRST GUEST IS AN AMERICAN
BRAVE ENOUGH TO STAND AND UP

SAY, "SCREW YOU, SCIENCE, I KNOW
JOE ROGAN!"
PLEASE WELCOME NFL MVP, MOST

AARON RODGERS.
>> HEY.
IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

REMEMBER WHEN I HOSTED
"JEOPARDY."
>> NOW, AARON, CAN YOU BELIEVE

YOU'RE NOT VACCINATED.
IT'S YOUR BODY AND YOUR COVID.
PLEASE DON'T USE THAT FOR ANY

OTHER ISSUES.
>> SUDDEN THE WOKE MOB IS COMING
AFTER ME.

IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD, STATE FARM
CALLED AND THEY'RE NOT GIVING ME
THE AARON RODGERS BREAK.

>> STRAIGHT TALK.
>> I GOT ALL THEIR FACES THREE
INCHES AWAY FROM MY WET MOUTH

AND TOLD THEM, TRUST ME.
I'M MORE OR LESS IMMUNIZED.
>> YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T GET THE

VACCINE BECAUSE IT MIGHT MAKE
YOU STERILE, WHICH IS SO INSANE,
I'M JEALOUS I DIDN'T SAY IT.

>> AT THE END OF THE DAY, MY
RECORD IS STILL 7-1.
MEANING OF THE 8 PEOPLE I HAVE

INFECTED, SEVEN ARE FINE.
>> WOW!
CALL THIS GUY THE BOTTOM OF THE

SNAPPLE CAP BECAUSE SHE'S GOT
FACTS.
MY NEXT GUEST TURNED VIRGINIA AS

RED AS MY FACE GETS WHEN I TALK
ABOUT NEARLY ANY SUBJECT.
PLEASE WELCOME GOVERNOR-ELECT,

GLENN YOUNGKIN.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> JUDGE JEANINE, THANK YOU SO

MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
MY WIN IN VIRGINIA PROVES THAT
PEOPLE ARE DEEPLY CONCERNED

ABOUT EDUCATION.
>> AND WHO ARE MOST OF YOUR
VOTES?

>> PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T GO TO
COLLEGE.
>> EXCELLENT.

NOW, CRITICAL RACE THEORY IS
SOMETHING YOU TALKED ABOUT A
LOT.

WHAT IS CRITICAL RACE THEORY?
>> IT'S SIMPLE.
IT'S WHAT GOT ME ELECTED.

>> RIGHT.
BUT WHAT IS IT?
>> IT'S NOT IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW?

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS PARENTS.
EVERYONE KNOWS THEY SHOULD RUN
SCHOOLS.

THAT'S WHY I INVITED.
>> HELLO.
I'M A HUGE FAN OF YOUR JUDGING

AND YOUR TALKING.
>> OH.
I LIKE THIS ONE ALREADY.

HELEN, WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS ON
EDUCATION?
>> WHEN MY SON BROUGHT HOME THE

BOOK "BELOVED" BY TONI MORRISON,
I PUT DOWN MY COPY OF "FIFTY
SHADES" AND SAID, "NO!

A WOMAN NAMED TONI, NOT IN MY
AMERICA."
SO A GROUP OF PARENTS AND I PUT

TOGETHER OUR LIST OF BOOKS THAT
SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED IN THE
CLASSROOM.

"HOLES."
SOUNDS SEXUAL.
"PRIDE AND PREJUDICE."

PREJUDICE IS FINE, BUT PRIDE IS
A TERM THAT HAS BEEN CO-OPTED BY
THE GAYS FOR SOME SORT OF

LADY GAGA-THEMED NUDITY.
"INVISIBLE MAN."
WHAT'S HE DOING?

WHERE IS HE?
CAN HE SEE ME IN MY HOME OR WHAT
I GOOGLE?

"THE GREAT GATSBY."
TOO MUCH JAZZ.
AND "MOBY DICK."

NOW, THAT ONE'S A TOSS-UP.
TITLE IS DIRTY, LOVE THAT THE
WHALE IS WHITE.

GET HIM TO SEAWORLD, STAT.
>> YEAH.
SEE, YOU KNOW, I AM SO GRATEFUL

>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I JUST WANTED TO CONGRATULATION

GLENN YOUNGKIN AND MOSTLY MYSELF
ON A TREMENDOUS WIN IN VIRGINIA.
WE DID IT TOGETHER.

>> OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY
THAT.
MR. PRESIDENT, WHAT AN

UNEXPECTED AND FRANKLY HORNY
SURPRISE.
>> IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE JUDGE

JUDY.
AND IT'S GREAT TO BE WINNING
AGAIN.

>> YOU WILL SEE A LOT MORE
WINNING WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
>> OH, YOU CAN TAKE ME OFF THE

SPLIT SCREEN.
>> NO, WE DID THIS TOGETHER.
I REALLY WANT YOU TO STAY.

>> REALLY.
THAT'S OKAY.
>> EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
HE'S SOMEONE THAT TAKES ADVICE

SO WELL.
CAN I GET 60 SECONDS ON THE
CLOCK, PLEASE?

BECAUSE THERE IS A LOT OF TIMES
WHEN I WAS GIVING ADVICE AND
PEOPLE WEREN'T LISTENING AND IT

DIDN'T WORK OUT SO GREAT FOR
SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE, OKAY?
WHEN YOU LOOK BACK WITH STAR

WARS, I SAID, YOU NEED TO DO IT
WITH SWORDS.
THE LASERS ARE NOT ENOUGH.

I SAID THIS TO GEORGE.
I SAID, IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO
STAR WARS, OKAY, YOU HAVE TO

HAVE REAL SWORDS.
AND LOOK AT WHAT THEY'RE DOING
WITH NOON.

AND LOOK WHAT THEY'RE DOING WITH
"DUNE."
OKAY, I'VE TALKED TO

DENIS VILLENEUVE.
I SAID TO HIM, "IF YOU'RE GOING
TO DO A 'STAR WARS,' YOU'RE

GOING TO NEED REAL SWORDS, OKAY?
YOU NEED REAL SWORDS."
AND LOOK AT THE SUCCESS OF

"DUNE."
LOOK AT CHALAMET, LOOK AT ALL OF
IT, LOOK AT THE WHOLE THING.

FRANKLY, WITH "DUNE," YOU'VE GOT
MOMOA, AND EVERYONE'S DOING
FLIPS, AND IT'S VERY "GAME OF

THRONES."
OKAY?
AND PEOPLE WERE VERY

DISAPPOINTED WITH "GAME OF
THRONES," YOU KNOW, HOW IT
ENDED.

THEY DIDN'T LIKE THE ENDING TOO
MUCH, OKAY?
BUT WITH "DUNE," YOU HAVE A LOT

OF POSSIB -- I SEE A LOT OF
POSSIBILITY WITH "DUNE."
THEY'RE GOING TO DO 3, 4, 5,

15 MOVIES.
AND, FRANKLY, I SEE A LOT OF
POSSIBILITY WITH VIRGINIA.

>> YOU ARE IMPRESSIVE.
HOW DO YOU KEEP THAT
ALL IN YOUR BRAIN?

>> WELL, I HAD MY EARS SEALED SO
NOTHING COMES IN OR OUT,
NOTHING.

>> AND MR. PRESIDENT, YOU NEVER
ACTUALLY CAMPAIGNED WITH
GLENN YOUNGKIN, DID YOU?

>> WELL, NO.
I
NEVER DID, I NEVER DID -- GLENN,

GLENN, GLENN, GLENN, GLENN,
DON'T YOU DARE.
DON'T YOU DARE.

DON'T YOU DARE, GLENN.
YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS.
I WAS NEVER THERE, THERE.

OKAY?
I WAS NEVER THERE, THERE.
BUT I TOLD LOTS OF PEOPLE THEY

SHOULD VOTE FOR GLENN.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
MOST PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HIM.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, MOST PEOPLE
DON'T LIKE GLENN, BUT HE'S --
HE'S A WONDERFUL GUY.

HE'S A WONDERFUL GUY.
HE'S TALL, HE'S RICH.
LIKE MY SONS, GLENN.

YOU'RE LIKE MY SON, OKAY?
>> PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, HE'S A

WONDERFUL GUY.
BUT THESE PC FOLKS, THEY DON'T
LIKE HIM, THEY DON'T LIKE HIM AT

ALL.
CAN I GET 60 MORE SECONDS ON THE
CLOCK, PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT, 'CAUSE THESE PC
FOLKS -- THESE PC FOLKS, THEY
DON'T LIKE CHRIS PRATT AS MARIO.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M VERY CLOSE
WITH MARIO.
WE'RE VERY CLOSE WITH MARIO.

VERY CLOSE WITH LUIGI.
WE PLAY GOLF TOGETHER.
YOU KNOW, OUR WIVES PLAY GOLF

TOGETHER.
PEACH IS A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF
MINE.

WE'RE VERY CLOSE WITH PEACH.
AND, WITH THE TOADS, BY THE WAY,
I DID SO GREAT WITH THE TOADS.

OKAY?
I DID SO GREAT WITH TOADS.
WE DO GREAT WITH TOADS.

YOU KNOW THE LITTLE MUSHROOM
PEOPLE, A LOT OF THEM CAME OUT
THE LAST ELECTION.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE TOADS LOVE CHRIS PRATT,
OKAY?

AND HIS MARIO IS GOING TO DO A
LOT BETTER THAN THAT -- OH GOD,
IT WAS SO AWFUL, THAT "ETERNALS"

YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S TOO DIVERSE
AND NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT,
OKAY?

THAT MOVIE'S ROTTEN.
IT'S ROTTEN, JUST ASK THE
TOMATOES, OKAY?

YOU CAN ASK THE TOMATOES.
BECAUSE OF THIS AWFUL
SHIPPING NIGHTMARE WE'VE GOT

WITH SLOW JOE.
WE'VE GOT AN AWFUL SHIPPING
NIGHTMARE.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS TRUE, OKAY?
THIS IS TRUE.
A GUY CAME UP TO ME THE OTHER

DAY, BIG GUY, TEARS IN HIS EYES,
AND HE SAYS, "SIR, MY NAME IS
SANTA CLAUS."

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED.
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED, SIR.
AND I SAID, "WE CAN'T LET THAT

HAPPEN, SANTA.
AND THAT'S WHY I ASKED HIM TO
GIVE VIRGINIA TO GLENN YOUNGKIN.

I ASKED HIM TO GIVE YOU
VIRGINIA.
WE DID IT.

WE DID IT TOGETHER BECAUSE IT'S
A GREAT COUNTRY.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, SANTA DID IT,

SANTA DID IT, BECAUSE HE LOVES
AMERICA AND HE LOVES TRUMP.
RIGHT, GLENN?

>> WOW.
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU HIT ALL THE
TOPICS I WANTED TO HEAR ABOUT.

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
**

**
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

AND YOUR HOST --
KIERAN CULKIN!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

KIERAN CULKIN!
[ APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
SO HAPPY TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW.

I'M KIERAN CULKIN.
FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS I'VE BEEN
WORKING ON A SHOW

CALLED "SUCCESSION."
I PLAY ONE OF THE NICER
CHARACTERS ON THE SHOW, WHICH

STILL MAKES HIM ONE OF THE TOP
TEN WORST HUMANS ON TV.
SOMETIMES PEOPLE WILL BE LIKE,

YOU KNOW, THAT PART REALLY SUITS
YOU.
WHICH ISN'T REALLY A COMPLIMENT.

IT IS SORT OF LIKE GOING UP TO
SOMEONE SAYING YOU KNOW WHAT
ROLE WOULD FIT YOU LIKE A GLOVE?

GIULIANI.
OH.
MY.

BUT IT'S BEEN A BIG YEAR.
MY WIFE AND I JUST WELCOMED OUR
SECOND CHILD IN AUGUST.

LOVE BEING A DAD.
IT'S GREAT.
AND I GOT -- I GOT ASKED TO HOST

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
WHICH HAS ALWAYS BEEN A DREAM OF
MINE.

AND I'VE GOT TO SAY, MY WIFE HAS
BEEN REALLY SUPPORTIVE AND
WONDERFUL THROUGH THE PROCESS.

BUT I HAVE THIS FEELING THAT
SHE'S BEEN TERRIFIED FOR ME.
JUST REALLY NERVOUS.

JAZZ, WHEREVER YOU ARE -- THERE
YOU ARE.
I JUST WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T
MATTER.

EVEN IF I DO MESS UP AND, QUOTE,
SHAME THE FAMILY.
THANK YOU.

WE'RE GOING TO BE GREAT.
I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK THAT'S
GOING TO HAPPEN BECAUSE THIS

ISN'T MY FIRST TIME BEING HERE.
I HAVE BEEN ON THIS VERY STAGE.
I WAS ON AN EPISODE OF SNL BACK

WHEN MY BROTHER MAX HOSTED 30
YEARS AGO.
ALMOST TO THE DAY.

I WAS NINE YEARS OLD.
I GOT TO BE IN THREE SKETCHES.
TWO OF WHICH ARE

NON-PROBLEMATIC.
AND AT THE END OF THE SHOW, I
GOT TO BE ON THE STAGE FOR THE

GOOD NIGHTS, AND I THINK WE HAVE
A CLIP.
CAN WE SHOW IT?

SO THERE'S MY BROTHER.
AND THE CAST IS LIFTING HIM UP
ON THEIR SHOULDERS.

AND, BOOM, THERE I AM.
CLEARLY JEALOUS.
THEY'RE PICKING HIM UP, MY

BROTHER'S GOT HIS ARMS UP
VICTORIOUSLY.
I'M DOWN ON THE GROUND LIKE, "ME

WANT UPPIES.
SO CHECK OUT WHAT I DO NEXT.
I ASKED KEVIN NEALON TO PICK ME

UP AND HE GOES, YEAH, OKAY,
SURE.
I JUST START HAMMING IT UP.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS.
LIKE A DE NIRO IMPRESSION.
I WANTED TO SHOW THAT CLIP FOR

TWO REASONS.
ONE IN THE HOPES THAT SOMEONE
FROM THE CAST WILL PICK ME UP

AGAIN AT THE END OF THE SHOW.
AND, TWO, BECAUSE I HAVE WAITED
30 YEARS TO BE BACK ON THIS

STAGE AND SAY, WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
ED SHEERAN IS HERE.

ED SHEERAN IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> YEAH, HELLO?
>> THIS IS A CALL-BACK REQUEST
FROM SPECTRUM CABLE.

PLEASE HOLD FOR A
REPRESENTATIVE.
>> HI, THERE, THIS IS MATHEUS

WITH SPECTRUM CABLE, IS THIS
BRAD HERMAN?
>> YEAH, HI.

>> HI.
AND WHAT CAN I HELP YOU
WITH TODAY, MR. HERMAN?

>> I JUST NEED TO CANCEL MY
CABLE.
>> OH, I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR

THAT, MR. HERMAN.
BEFORE WE BEGIN, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO ADD A TELEPHONE LAND LINE TO

YOUR CURRENT PACKAGE FOR $12.99
A MONTH?
>> NO, I'M GOOD.

I JUST NEED TO CANCEL THE CABLE.
I TRIED TO DO IT ONLINE BUT IT
SAID I HAD TO CALL.

>> OF COURSE, MR. HERMAN.
MAY I ASK THE REASON FOR YOUR
CANCELATION?

>> YEAH, MY GIRLFRIEND AND I
BROKE UP AND I'M MOVING OUT.
>> OH, NO, I'M SO SORRY.

I'M SO SORRY YOUR RELATIONSHIP
FELL APART, MR. HERMAN.
MR. HERMAN,

MAY I ASK THE CAUSE OF THE
BREAKUP?
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NO.
THAT'S PERSONAL.
>> OF COURSE, MR. HERMAN.

PLEASE WRITE DOWN THIS REFERENCE
NUMBER IN CASE WE GET
DISCONNECTED.

DO YOU HAVE A PEN AND PAPER
HANDY?
>> NO.

NOT REALLY.
>> WONDERFUL.
MR. HERMAN,

THE NUMBER IS 7-B AS IN BOY, F
AS IN FIGHT.
G AS IN 5G.

PLEASE HOLD FOR A CANCELLATION
AGENT.
>> YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US

AND WILL BE ANSWERED IN THE
ORDER THAT WE FEEL LIKE.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HI, THIS IS TANYA.
FOR SECURITY PURPOSES, CAN YOU
TELL ME THE 42-DIGIT CUSTOMER

PIN NUMBER THAT CAME ON YOUR
FIRST BILL?
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> ON MY FIRST BILL, THE ONE I
GOT SIX YEARS AGO?
I DON'T HAVE THAT.

>> NOT A PROBLEM.
WE CAN USE ONE OF YOUR SECURITY
QUESTIONS.

WHAT CITY DID YOUR MOM LOSE HER
VIRGINITY IN?
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THAT'S DISGUSTING.
I DON'T THINK I WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THAT.

>> WELL, AND THAT IS WHAT YOU
ANSWERED.
OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, SO WHEN IS A GOOD
TIME FOR A SPECTRUM TECHNICIAN
TO COME INSTALL YOUR NEW LAND

LINE?
>> NEVER.
I DON'T WANT A LAND LINE, OKAY?

I WANT TO CANCEL MY CABLE.
>> OF COURSE.
SO I WILL TRANSFER YOU TO

CANCELATIONS.
I'VE BEEN TONYA.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WI-FI TROUBLE?
TRY UNPLUGGING YOUR ROUTER AND
SPITTING IN IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THIS IS DONNA WITH SPECTRUM.
JUST TO CONFIRM, IT SAYS HERE

YOU'RE LOOKING TO PAY MORE MONEY
FOR LESS CHANNELS?
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NO, NO, WHY WOULD I WANT
THAT?
>> I'M NOT SURE, SIR.

THAT'S WHY I ASKED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HOW DARE I, RIGHT?

PISSING ME OFF.
HOLD, PLEASE.
>> DUE TO HIGHER THAN NORMAL

CALL VOLUME, YOUR CALL WILL NOT
BE ANSWERED.
GOOD-BYE.

>> OH MY GOD.
YES, HELLO?
>> HI, MR. HERMAN, THIS IS TINA

WITH SPECTRUM, HOW ARE YOU THIS
AFTERNOON?
>> HONESTLY, NOT GREAT.

HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M -- NOT GREAT EITHER,
ACTUALLY.

[ LAUGHTER ]
MY LIFE IS PRETTY MUCH FALLING
APART.

AND I'M SORRY, I'LL TRANSFER
YOU, THANK YOU FOR USING
SPECTRUM, PLEASE HOLD.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DOING NO-NUT NOVEMBER?
SPECTRUM'S GOT YOU COVERED WITH

A SELECTION OF SEX AND NUDITY
MOVIES ON DEMAND.
>> NO-NUT NOVEMBER?

>> HEY WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE,
MAN?
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I'M SORRY?
>> YEAH, THIS IS A SPECTRUM
TECH.

I AM ON YOUR STREET TO INSTALL
YOUR LAND LINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I CAN'T FIND YOUR HOUSE.
>> NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T NOW HOW THIS LAND LINE

THING GOT STARTED BUT I DON'T
WANT ONE.
>> NO, NO, IT'S TOO LATE TO

CHANGE YOUR MIND, MAN, IT'S TOO
LATE.
>> LIKE BASKETBALL?

OUR GAME DAY SPORTS UPGRADE GETS
YOU THE NBA NETWORK AND 85
SPANISH LANGUAGE SOCCER

CHANNELS.
>> HELLO?
HI, MY NAME'S ADAM, I'M A

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP, HOW ARE
YOU?
>> NOT GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I'M VERY CLOSE TO
BEING TRIGGERED HERE.
>> VERY COOL.

[ LAUGHTER ]
LET ME PULL UP YOUR ACCOUNT.
WHAT THE HECK?

SORRY, MY COMPUTER'S BEING CRAZY
RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]

LET ME GET YOU BACK TO SOMEONE
ELSE.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.

>> DOMINO'S?
THEY TRANSFERRED ME TO DOMINO'S?
>> WHO, SPECTRUM?

THEY DO THIS ALL THE TIME, I'LL
TRANSFER YOU TO A CANCELATIONS
REP.

>> OH, GOD.
THANK YOU.
YOU'VE HONESTLY BEEN THE MOST

COMPETENT PERSON I'VE TALKED TO
TODAY.
>> THAT'S CRAZY BECAUSE I'M HIGH

AS HELL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WANT PREMIUM CHANNELS WITHOUT

PREMIUM PRICES?
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
WE'D LOSE A TON OF MONEY.

>> HI MR. HERMAN.
>> HI MR. HERMAN.
>> OH MY GOD, MARCIE, WE BOTH

ANSWERED THE SAME CALL!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WE'RE SO CRAZY.

>> SORRY ABOUT THAT, I'LL HOP
OFF.
>> ME TOO.

>> WAIT NO, DON'T BOTH HOP
OFF --
>> HOLD, PLEASE.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR
BILL?

ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO EXPLAIN IT
TO YOU.
HI, MR. HERMAN.

IT'S MATHEUS.
>> DUDE, I'M ABOUT TO LOSE IT,
GUESS WHAT?

IT HAPPENED.
I AM TRIGGERED.
I AM TRIGGERED.

THE NEXT PERSON YOU TRANSFER ME
TO BETTER HAVE THE POWER TO
CANCEL MY CABLE.

>> ARE YOU SURE, SIR?
>> YES.
1,000%, YES.

>> VERY WELL.
I'LL TRANSFER YOU NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHO IS THIS?
>> I AM SPECTRUM.
[ LAUGHTER ]

THE SOURCE, THE NEXUS, THE
PROVIDER.
>> OKAY.

CAN YOU CANCEL MY CABLE.
>> THERE IS NOTHING I CANNOT DO.
FOR I AM MADE OF PURE DATA!

>> OKAY, GREAT.
THEN CANCEL MY CABLE.
>> CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SIX

MONTHS OF
FREE DISNEY PLUS TO KEEP YOUR
SERVICE?

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, JUST CANCEL IT.
>> AS YOU WISH.

ENJOY YOUR NEW SPECTRUM LAND
LINE!
>> I'M NOT GETTING A LAND LINE!

>> YES, YOU ARE, MAN.
WHERE YOU WANT THE JACK AT?
[ LAUGHTER ]

WHERE YOU WANT THE JACK AT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M IN.
>> AND WE'RE IN BUSINESS.
I'M GOING TO WORK ON GETTING

THOSE SECURITY DOORS OPEN FOR
YOU.
SHOULDN'T BE LONG NOW, BOSS.

>> FANTASTIC.
I'LL LET THE CLIENT KNOW.
THEY'RE IN.

>> IMPRESSIVE, MR. KNIGHT.
BUT MY BOSS DOESN'T PAY YOU TO
GET INSIDE UNDERGROUND GARAGE.

HE PAY YOU TO STEAL
BILLIONAIRE'S VINTAGE
LAMBORGHINI.

IS THERE, YES?
>> GHOST, YOU GOT EYES ON THE
PRIZE?

>> OH, YEAH.
SHE'S ONE BAD BITCH.
>> OKAY, GHOST.

YOU GOT TWO MINUTES TO GET OUT
THERE.
YOU'RE WELCOME, BY THE WAY.

>> TWO MINUTES?
I'M GOING TO COUNT MY MONEY IN
ONE.

LET'S DO THIS.
>> HA HA HA!
>> EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, GHOST?

>> YEAH, YEAH.
JUST, YOU KNOW -- A CAR LIKE
THIS IS LIKE A BEAUTIFUL LADY.

JUST GOT TO KNOW HOW TO HANDLE
HER.
WHAT THE HELL?

>> OH, YEAH, BOSS.
I THINK WE GOT A PROBLEM.
>> WHAT'S GOING ON, GHOST?

>> THIS CAR GOT AN ADVANCE
DRIVER SYSTEM I'VE NEVER SEEN
BEFORE.

I'M LOOKING AT
THREE PEDALS, A SHIFTER THAT
GOES UP, DOWN, AND SIDE WAYS.

THIS MUST BE SOME NEW TECH, I'M
THINKING.
MILITARY, MAYBE?

>> SOUNDS LIKE IT'S A STICK
SHIFT?
>> STICK WHAT?

>> A STICK SHIFT.
GHOST, YOU CAN DRIVE STICK,
RIGHT?

>> BITCH, I CAN DRIVE ANYTHING.
>> INCLUDING STICK?
>> NAH.

>> GHOST, I'LL WALK YOU THROUGH
THIS.
ANYTHING YOU DON'T GET, YOU SAY

STOP.
>> COOL.
>> TURN THE CAR ON AND PRESS THE

CLUTCH.
>> STOP.
YOU SAID CLUCK?

>> HA HA HA!
THE BOY SAID CLUCK!
>> SHUT UP, OLD MAN.

>> PUT THE CAR IN GEAR.
>> STOP.
>> WE DON'T HAVE TIME.

STOP, PUT IT IN GEAR, PRESS THE
GAS WITH YOUR RIGHT FOOT.
>> STOP, YOU WANT ME TO DRIVE

WITH TWO FEET?
WHO DO YOU THINK I AM, FRED
FLINTSTEIN?

>> FLINTSTEIN?
>> DID I STITTER?
FREDERICK FLINTSTEIN.

>> 60 SECONDS.
>> ENOUGH.
MR. GHOST, THIS IS NATALIA.

I HELP, SO LISTEN, YES?
>> YES, MA'AM.
>> LEFT FOOT CLUTCH, RIGHT FOOT

GAS.
>> DOWN, BABY GIRL.
>> TAKE FOOT OFF CLUTCH AND GIVE

GAS.
>> COPY.
>> AND GIVE GAS.

>> IMPOSSIBLE.
>> THEN DRIVE.
IS CLEAR?

>> NAH, BUT LET'S DO THIS.
>> WE'LL HAVE TO GO A LOT FASTER
THAN THAT, GHOST.

>> GOOD THING THIS BABY HAS
NITROUS BOOSTERS.
>> THAT'S THE TRUNK!

>> GET OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW,
GHOST, OR YOU'RE DEAD, MAN.
>> DON'T YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T KILL

A GHOST.
>> HE AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT.
HEY, BUMPS, WE GOT A PROBLEM.

[ APPLAUSE ]
>>> SHE'S AN ICONIC SING
CUSTOMER SHE'S ALWAYS GOT A

SINGER.
IT'S THE DIONNE WARWICK
TALK SHOW!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO, HELLO.
AND WELCOME TO THE DIONNE

WARWICK TALK SHOW.
A SHOW WHERE I HOST AND OTHER
PEOPLE COME HERE.

THEN THEY LEAVE AND SO DO I.
THANKS AS ALWAYS TO MY PRODUCER
AND MY NIECE, BRITTNEY.

>> LOVE YOU, AUNT DIONNE.
>> ALL RIGHT.
AND NOW THE WEATHER REPORT.

* RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY
HEAD *
* BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN MY EYES

WILL SOON BE TURNING RED *
ALL RIGHT, YES, THANK YOU!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

PLEASE WELCOME OUR FIRST GUEST,
MILEY CYRUS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> OH, HEY.
IT'S AWESOME TO BE HERE.
>> YEAH, OKAY.

YEAH.
YOU RECENTLY DID A DUET WITH
ELTON JOHN.

SO DID DUA LIPA AND A LOT OF
OTHER PEOPLE.
MY QUESTION IS, DOES HE NOT HAVE

MY NUMBER?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, MA'AM -- I'M NOT REALLY

SURE, MA'AM.
BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY, I AM
SUCH A HUGE FAN OF YOURS.

>> OH, THANK YOU, SO AM I.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TELL ME, MILEY, DOJA CAT.

IS THAT A SINGER OR A POKEMON?
>> YEAH, SHE'S A SINGER.
>> ALL RIGHT.

CARDI B, WHY DOES SHE NEED THE
B?
WAS THERE ANOTHER CARDI IN THE

CLASS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW, THESE AREN'T REALLY

ABOUT ME.
>> YOU KNOW, KANYE CHANGED HIS
NAME TO YEAH.

IS THE SOUND PEOPLE MAKE WHEN HE
LEAVES THE ROOM.
>> ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME IN

TROUBLE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND THAT

HANNAH MONTANA IS YOUR NEMESIS.
MY NEMESIS IS WENDY WILLIAMS.
[ LAUGHTER ]

LET'S MAKE A PACT TO KICK THEIR
ASSES.
>> YOU KNOW, HANNAH MONTANA

ISN'T REAL.
>> ALL RIGHT, WELL NEITHER IS
WENDY WILLIAMS.

[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, MILEY CIRCUS, I'M
DONE TALKING TO YOU.

GO ON.
BYE.
BYE NOW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT.
NOW FOR OUR IMPORTANT PUBLIC

HEALTH SEGMENT, WE HAVE A DOCTOR
HERE TO GIVE ME MY CORONAVIRUS
BOOSTER LIVE ON AIR.

PLEASE WELCOME DR. NATHAN ULA.
** KEEP SHINING
* KEEP SMILING *

HI, MS. WARWICK!
* KNOWING YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT
ON ME *

LET'S GET THAT SLEEVE UP *
THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR *
>> ALL RIGHT, I DIDN'T FEEL A

THING!
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW FOR OUR NEXT GUEST.

THIS MAN IS NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE.
HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY SONGS OUT.
PLEASE WELCOME JASON MRAZ.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> KIND OF A ROUGH INTRO, BUT
YEAH, I'M PSYCHED TO BE HERE.

>> ALL RIGHT.
>> YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE WE RAN
INTO EACH OTHER, CORRECT.

>> CORRECT.
MY QUESTION IS, RIHANNA.
WHEN'S SHE GOING TO DROP THE

ALBUM?
SHE TOO BEZ MAKING PANTIES OR
SOMETHING?

>> I'M NOT SURE HOW TO ANSWER
THAT.
CAN YOU ASK A QUESTION ABOUT ME?

>> OKAY, FINE.
WHAT'S WITH THE HAT?
IS IT CULTURAL OR JUST A BIG OLD

SWING.
>> IT'S ACTUALLY WARMER.
>> ALL RIGHT.

I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED.
YOU CAN GO NOW.
>> ALL RIGHT.

>> LET'S BRING OUT OUR NEXT
GUEST, ED SHEERAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HI, MISS WARWICK.
I'M REALLY GLAD TO BE HERE.
>> OF COURSE YOU ARE.

[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU DID A SONG CALLED "SOUTH OF
THE BORDER.”

MY QUESTION IS, ARE YOU NASTY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, A LITTLE BIT.

>> OKAY.
OKAY.
I THINK YOU ARE A LITTLE NASTY

WITH THAT.
OKAY.
I THINK THAT'S HEALTHY.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE WRITING A SONG
FOR THE NEXT SEASON OF "TED
LASSO.”

WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW IS, WHAT
IS APPLE TV AND HOW DO YOU GET
ON IT A DELL COMPUTER?

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IS THAT THE BEST QUESTION FOR
ME TO ANSWER?

>> I DON'T KNOW, SHOOT.
ALL RIGHT.
DID YOU KNOW ED SHEERAN

BACKWARDS IS DIONNE WARWICK?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T THINK IT IS.

>> YEAH, OKAY.
WHY DON'T YOU GO LOOK IT UP NOW,
ALL RIGHT?

BYE.
>> NEXT UP, I'VE LEARNED MY
LESSON THAT MACHINE GUN KELLY IS

TOO SCARY FOR ME, SO I INVITED A
DIFFERENT MAN THAT I FEEL MORE
COMFORTABLE WITH.

PLEASE WELCOME POST MALONE.
>> HI.
>> GET HIM OUT.

YOU GOT TO GO.
OH, MY GOSH.
MUCH BETTER.

MUCH BETTER.
BRITTNEY, PUT THAT MAN IN THE
CAB BACK TO SPOOKY TOWN USA.

>> YEAH, I'M ON IT.
>> I'M SICK AND TIRED OF
INTERVIEWING PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT

ICONS.
PLEASE WELCOME ME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> WELL, HELLO.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.

I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE WITH
YOU.
>> ALL RIGHT.

WELL, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
DIONNE, WHY ARE YOU PERFECT?
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> DARLING, I'M NOT PERFECT, I'M
JUST VERY, VERY GOOD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, TODAY I HEARD A SONG
BY AN ARTIST CALLED YOUNG BOY

NEVER BROKE AGAIN.
WHY AREN'T PEOPLE JUST CALLED
BURNT BACK IRAQ ANYMORE?

>> YOU KNOW, THAT IS AN
EXCELLENT QUESTION.
AND I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER, BUT

I WILL KEEP TWEETING TILL I FIND
OUT WITH A TWEET, TWEET, TWEET.
>> OKAY.

DIONNE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SING A
SONG FOR THE PEOPLE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND GRAB
YOUR MIC.
* WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW IS

LOVE SWEET LOVE *
* IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT
THERE'S JUST TOO LITTLE OF *

>> DAMN, WE LOOK GOOD!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
* WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW IS

LOVE SWEET LOVE *
* IT'S THE ONLY THING *
>>> NEXT WEEK, JONATHAN MAJORS

* IT'S THE ONLY THING *
>>> NEXT WEEK, JONATHAN MAJORS
WITH MUSICAL GUEST TAYLOR SWIFT!

INTO THE BATHROOM.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M
TELLING YOU EITHER.

OKAY, BYE.
>> OH-OH, THERE HE IS.
>> HEY, WE'VE GOT TO STOP

MEETING LIKE THIS.
>> I'LL SAY, THIRD TIME THIS
WEEK.

WHAT IS THIS, YOUR NEW OFFICE?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.
BOSS MAN DOES WHAT THE BOSS MAN

DOES.
I'VE NEVER SAID THAT IN MY LIFE.
WHY AM I SAYING THAT?

I'M NOT THE BOSS.
SO WHY DID HE LAUGH?
WHY DID I LAUGH?

WHY ARE THERE NOT STALLS IN THE
MEN'S ROOM?
EVERYONE JUST PANICS AND BLURTS

SOMETHING OUT.
>> WOW, I'M EMPTY!
HA HA.

SEE YOU LATER, MY GUY.
>> KEEP ON TRUCKING, MY DUDE,
HONK HONK!

>> OH, IT'S A PARTY IN HERE.
>> HEY, FRANKIE IN THE BUILDING.
WHAT'S UP?

>> YEAH, BABY.
GOT FUN PLANS THIS WEEKEND?
A COUPLE OF DAYS AWAY FROM YOU?

I'LL TAKE IT.
>> OH!
>> THAT WAS MEAN AS HECK.

I REALLY LIKE THAT GUY.
AND WHY AM I TALKING SO LOUD?
IN THE MEN'S ROOM, MY VOICE GETS

WEIRD AND I SHOUT THINGS LIKE,
FOOTBALL IS CRAZY!
>> MY HEART IS POUNDING.

WHY DID I CHOOSE THE URINAL
RIGHT NEXT TO HIM?
OUR ARM SKIN IS TOUCHING.

>> HA HA!
>> HA HA!
>> HEY, SEE YOU ON THE ICE!

>> OKAY, YOU TOO.
>> SEE YOU ON THE ICE?
WE WORK AT A PENSION FUND.

IS THAT EVEN AN EXPRESSION?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM IN
HERE.

>> I'VE BEEN STAND HERE FOR SO
LONG.
NONE OF THE AUTOMATIC SINKS

WORK.
MY HANDS ARE COVERED IN SOAP!
>> I'M STANDING AT A URINAL, I

ONLY CAME IN TO AVOID WORKING.
I CAN'T LEAVE UNTIL THEY HEAR ME
PEE.

I GUESS
I'LL SQUIRT HAND SANITIZER IN TO
FAKE IT.

>> SOUNDS LIKE YOUR STREAM IS
COMING ALONG REALLY WELL.
WHY AM I COMMENTING ON HIS PEE?

CALLING IT A STREAM?
>> HEY!
WHAT'S UP MY DUDES?

WELL, ANYONE GOT BIG PLANS FOR
THE SUMMERTIME?
>> OH -- NOT YET.

>> WHY WOULD THEY?
IT'S NOVEMBER.
WE'RE MONTHS AWAY FROM THE

SUMMERTIME.
HEY, NEW GUY!
DO ANYTHING FUN LAST WEEKEND?

>> SORRY, ME?
>> OH, YEAH.
>> SORRY, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

>> I ASKED IF YOU DID ANYTHING
FUN THIS WEEKEND.
>> OH -- I'M TAKING WAY TOO LONG

TO ANSWER.
MAYBE I'LL PRETEND I DIDN'T
HEAR.

SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING
TODAY.
SO YEAH.

>> WHAT'S THAT?
>> NOTHING, SORRY.
ANYWAY, ARE THESE SINKS WORKING

FOR YOU?
>> NO, BUT FOOTBALL IS CRAZY!
>> YEAH.

>> SO CRAZY.
>> CRAZY.
>> OH-OH, Y'ALL HAVING A LITTLE

SLUMBER PARTY IN HERE?
>> HA HA!
>> I'M JUST YANKING YOUR CHAINS.

HEY, YOU GUYS SEE THAT NEW
RECEPTIONIST?
SHE'S GOT LEGS FOR DAYS.

I KILLED A MAN IN 2012.
I DIDN'T EVEN DO A GOOD JOB
HIDING THE BODY.

BUT I STILL GOT AWAY WITH IT.
ALTHOUGH I'M A FREE MAN, THE
GUILT I CARRY IS WORSE THAN ANY

CELL.
BUT IN HERE, I FORGET WHO I AM
AND WHAT I'VE DONE.

I LOVE THE MEN'S ROOM.
DON'T YOU GUYS LOVE IT IN HERE?
>> OH, YEAH.

>> I DROPPED A BOMB.
AND THIS DUDE KILLED MY BROTHER!
>> OH, YEAH.

AND THIS DUDE KILLED MY BROTHER!
>> OH, YEAH.
WHAT CAN I SAY?

>> RIDE A HORSE?
AFRAID NOT, SON, THIS MAN'S LEG
IS BROKEN IN SIX PLACES.

>> WONDERFUL.
WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND ANOTHER
JOCKEY TEN MINUTES BEFORE THE

KENTUCKY DERBY?
>> I THINK I MIGHT KNOW SOMEONE,
SIR.

>> WHO?
>> SOMEONE GREAT.
>> WHERE IS HE?

>> BELIEVE ME, SIR, YOU'LL KNOW
HIM WHEN YOU SEE HIM.
>> YAH, YAH!

>> WHAT THE HECK?
**
>> YEP, THAT'S ME.

RIDING A HORSE LIKE A
SKATEBOARD.
YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING HOW I

WOUND UP HERE.
WELL, IT'S KIND OF A CRAZY
STORY.

AND IT GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING
LIKE THIS.
* SO THERE I WAS DOING SKATE

TRICKS AT THE PARK *
* THEN I JUMPED WITH TOO MUCH
FORCE AND I LANDED ON A HORSE *

>> GREAT SCOTT!
* IF I LEAN RIGHT OR LEFT HE'D
FOLLOW MY EVERY MOVE *

* AND IF I WANTED HIM TO GO
FASTER I JUST GIVE HIM A BAG OF
CHIPS *

* WE WERE RUNNING REALLY HARD IN
MY NEIGHBOR'S BACKYARD *
>> NOT MY AZALEAS!

* HE CAN DO AN OLLIE AND A BACK
SIDE 182 *
* AND IF I ASK HIM NICELY HE'D

DO A KICK FLIP *
>> THIS GUY IS CRAZY!
* THEN WE WENT TO A TRACK AND WE

WON OUR VERY FIRST RACE *
* BUT AFTERWARDS HE DIDN'T STOP
SO WE TOURED THE UNITED STATES *

* I HOLD ON TO HIS TAIL WHEN WE
GRIND ON A RAIL *
**

* THIS IS OUR LAST RACE CAN'T
BELIEVE THAT THIS IS THE END *
* NEXT WEEK I HAVE TO GO TO

COLLEGE AND THEY SAY I CAN'T
BRING MY FRIEND *
* IT'S GONNA BE LONELY, I DON'T

KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO *
* I HOPE THAT WHEN I'M GONE THEY
DON'T TURN HIM INTO GLUE *

>> WHOA!
>> HEY, I THINK I'M OKAY --
>> YEP, THAT PRETTY MUCH SUMS IT

UP.
THAT'S HOW I WON THE KENTUCKY
DERBY.

WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT?
THEY EVEN MADE A VIDEO GAME
ABOUT MY LIFE, TOBY BIRD PRO

JOCKEY.
NOT BAD FOR A GUY THAT DIED
LATER THAT DAY.

NOT BAD FOR A GUY THAT DIED
LATER THAT DAY.
NOT BAD AT ALL.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ED SHEERAN!

**
**
* I TOOK AN ARROW

TO THE HEART
I NEVER KISSED A MOUTH
THAT TASTES LIKE YOURS *

* STRAWBERRIES AND
SOMETHIN' MORE
OOH YEAH I WANT IT ALL

LIPSTICK ON MY GUITAR OOH *
* FILL UP THE ENGINE
WE CAN DRIVE REAL FAR

GO DANCIN' UNDERNEATH
THE STARS *
* OOH YEAH I WANT IT ALL

MM YOU GOT ME SINING LIKE
I WANNA BE THAT GUY
I WANNA KISS YOUR EYES *

* I WANNA DRINK THAT SMILE
I WANNA FEEL LIKE
I'M LIKE MY SOUL'S ON FIRE

I WANNA STAY UP ALL * * DAY AND
ALL NIGHT
YEAH YOU GOT ME SINGIN'

LIKE OOH I LOVE IT
WHEN YOU DO IT LIKE THAT *
* AND WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE UP

GIVE ME THE SHIVERS
OH BABY YOU WANNA DANCE
'TIL THE SUNLIGHT CRACKS *

* AND WHEN THEY SAY
THE PARTY'S OVER
THEN WE'LL BRING

IT RIGHT BACK *
* AND WE'LL SAY OOH
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU

DO IT LIKE THAT
AND WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE UP *
* GIVE ME THE SHIVERS

OH BABY YOU WANNA DANCE
'TIL THE SUNLIGHT CRACKS
AND WHEN THEY SAY *

* THE PARTY'S OVER
THEN WE'LL BRING
IT RIGHT BACK

INTO THE CAR *
* ON THE BACKSEAT IN
THE MOONLIT DARK

WRAP ME UP BETWEEN
YOUR LEGS AND ARMS *
* OOH I CAN'T GET ENOUGH

YOU KNOW YOU COULD
TEAR ME APART OOH
PUT ME BACK TOGETHER *

* AND TAKE MY HEART
I NEVER THOUGHT THAT
I COULD LOVE THIS HARD

OOH I CAN'T GET ENOUGH *
* MM YOU GOT ME FEELING LIKE
I WANNA BE THAT GUY

I WANNA KISS YOUR EYES
I WANNA DRINK THAT SMILE *
* I WANNA FEEL LIKE I'M

LIKE MY SOUL'S ON FIRE
I WANNA STAY UP ALL
DAY AND ALL NIGHT *

* YEAH YOU GOT ME SINGIN'
LIKE OOH I LOVE IT WHEN
YOU DO IT LIKE THAT

AND WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE UP *
* GIVE ME THE SHIVERS
OH BABY YOU WANNA DANCE

'TIL THE SUNLIGHT CRACKS
AND WHEN THEY SAY *
* THE PARTY'S OVER

THEN WE'LL BRING
IT RIGHT BACK
AND WE'LL SAY OOH *

* I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
DO IT LIKE THAT
AND WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE UP

GIVE ME THE SHIVERS *
* OH BABY YOU WANNA DANCE
'TIL THE SUNLIGHT CRACKS

AND WHEN THEY SAY
THE PARTY'S OVER *
* THEN WE'LL BRING

IT RIGHT BACK
BABY YOU BURN SO HOT
YOU MAKE ME SHIVER *

* WITH THE FIRE YOU GOT
THIS THING WE STARTED
I DON'T WANT IT TO STOP

YOU KNOW YOU *
* MAKE ME SHIVER-ER-ER
BABY YOU BURN SO HOT

YOU MAKE ME SHIVER WITH
THE FIRE YOU GOT *
* THIS THING WE STARTED

I DON'T WANT IT TO STOP
YOU KNOW YOU MAKE ME SHIVER
YEAH YOU GOT ME *

* SINGIN' LIKE OOH
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
DO IT LIKE THAT

AND WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE UP *
* GIVE ME THE SHIVERS
OH BABY YOU WANNA DANCE

'TIL THE SUNLIGHT CRACKS
AND WHEN THEY SAY *
* THE PARTY'S OVER

THEN WE'LL BRING IT
RIGHT BACK
AND WE'LL SAY OOH *

* I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
DO IT LIKE THAT
AND WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE UP

GIVE ME THE SHIVERS *
* OH BABY YOU WANNA DANCE
'TIL THE SUNLIGHT CRACKS

AND WHEN THEY SAY
THE DAY PARTY'S OVER *
* THEN WE'LL BRING IT

THE DAY PARTY'S OVER *
* THEN WE'LL BRING IT
RIGHT BACK HEY *

COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GOOD EVENING.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE,"
I'M MICHAEL CHE.

>> I'M COLIN JOST.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT LIKE IT'S
BEEN FOREVER, INFRASTRUCTURE.

IT SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO CLEAN AS
MANY AS TWO LA GUARD YEAH
BATHROOMS.

INFRASTRUCTURE BILL WILL EXPAND
INTERNET ACCESS ACROSS THE U.S.,
WHICH IS GREAT USE BECAUSE WHEN

HAS MORE INTERNET EVER BEEN BAD
FOR AMERICA?
>>> DEMOCRAT TERRY McAULIFFE

LOST TO REPUBLICAN
GLENN YOUNGKIN IN THE VIRGINIA
GOVERNOR'S RACE.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, LOSERS FROM
VIRGINIA GET A STATUE.
POLITICAL EXPERTS SAY THAT THE

REPUBLICAN VICTORY IN VIRGINIA'S
GOVERNOR'S RACE WAS FUELED BY
SUPPORT FROM WHITE WOMEN WHO

DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE, WHICH JUST
SO HAPPENS TO BE THE EXACT GROUP
I TARGET ON TINDER.

>>> IN THE WAKE OF REPUBLICAN
SUCCESS IN THIS WEEK'S
ELECTIONS, HOUSE MINORITY LEADER

KEVIN McCARTHY ANNOUNCED
REPUBLICANS WOULD INTRODUCE A
PARENTS BILL OF RIGHTS WHICH I'M

PRETTY SURE IS JUST A SIGN YOU
CAN BUY AT HOME GOODS.
>>> PFIZER ANNOUNCED THAT IT HAS

DEVELOPED AN ANTIVIRAL PILL THAT
CAN REDUCE HOSPITALIZATION AMONG
COVID PATIENTS BY NEARLY 90%,

AND EVEN BETTER, IT WILL MAKE
YOU HARDER THAN TRIGONOMETRY.
>> DURR IS ALSO THE NEW JERSEY

STATE MOTTO.
WITH HIS VICTORY, ERIC ADAMS
WILL BECOME NEW YORK'S SECOND

BLACK MAYOR.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE NEW
YORK MAYOR WHO BLACKED OUT.

WILL NOW RETURN TO HIS PREVIOUS
JOB AS "EMILY IN PARIS" LAWYER.
>>> REPUBLICAN WINSOME SEARS,

SEEN HERE ATTEMPTING SUICIDE BY
COP, WAS ELECTED AS VIRGINIA'S
FIRST BLACK FEMALE LIEUTENANT

GOVERNOR.
BUT THIS IS ACTUALLY A WIN FOR
DEMOCRATS BECAUSE NOTHING WILL

GET REPUBLICANS TO SUPPORT GUN
CONTROL FASTER THAN THIS
PICTURE.

>>> FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS
FILMED DOING THE TOMAHAWK CHOP
AT A WORLD SERIES GAME IN

ATLANTA.
NATIVE AMERICAN GROUPS SAID,
"THEY FOUND IT EXTREMELY

OFFENSIVE TO SEE THEIR CULTURE
ASSOCIATED WITH SOMEONE WHO
CAN'T EVEN RUN A SUCCESSFUL

CASINO."
>>> LAST WEEK, THE RAPPER
ICE CUBE LEFT THE UPCOMING FILM

"OH, HELL NO" AFTER HE REFUSED
TO GET THE VACCINE.
HERE TO COMMENT IS ICE CUBE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SUP, MICHAEL?
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

GOING THROUGH A GANGSTER LUMBER
JACK PHASE.
>> I CAN TELL.

SO WHY DON'T YOU GET THE
VACCINE, MAN?
>> HEY, LOOK, MAN.

I WOULD JUST RATHER BE MYSELF
THAN TAKE THAT VACCINE LIKE YOU
OTHER 3 BILLION BOZOS.

>> YEAH, THAT'S WHY YOU LOST
THIS MOVIE.
>> NOT MY LOSS.

YOUR LOSS.
"OH, HELL NO" WAS GOING TO
FEATURE THE GREATEST COMEDY DUO

OF ALL TIME.
ICE CUBE, JACK BLACK, PLAYING
CHEMISTRY.

THE COMEDY CHEMISTRY WAS
CRACKLING.
HIGH JINKS.

CHICANERY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
TRY AND GUESS WHAT MY CATCH

PHRASE WAS.
>> "OH, HELL, NO?"
>> THAT'S ACTUALLY CORRECT.

BUT BECAUSE OF THIS CRAZY
VACCINE MANDATE, Y'ALL WIL
NEVER GET TO HEAR IT.

>> I MEAN, UNLESS THEY REPLACE
YOU.
>> OH, HELL NO, MAN.

WHO CAN REPLACE ICE CUBE?
>> I DON'T KNOW, TERRY CREWS?
>> THAT'S A GOOD CHOICE.

>> WHAT ABOUT MICHAEL B. JORDAN?
>> MAKES EVEN MORE SENSE.
HEY, BUT THE POINT IS, THIS

VACCINE MANDATE IS COSTING THE
WORLD MY ART.
I HAD A BUNCH OF OTHER PROJECTS

PACKED IN THE PIPE.
CHECK IT OUT, BOZO.
IF YOU LIKE "BARBERSHOP 3:THE

NEXT CUT," YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED
THE SEQUEL, "BARBERSHOP 4: JUST
A LITTLE OFF THE SIDES."

BUT NOW WE CAN'T MAKE IT.
ALSO, WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A
PREQUELL TO THE ORIGINAL

"FRIDAY" MOVIE.
YOU'LL NEVER
GUESS WHAT IT WAS CALLED.

>> "THURSDAY?"
>> THAT'S ACTUALLY CORRECT
AGAIN.

I WAS ALSO GOING TO STAR IN A
NEW M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN CALLED
"UH-OH, TWIST COMING."

THE TWIST IS, THERE AIN'T NO
TWIST.
EVERYBODY WENT HOME, AND THE DAY

WAS A GOOD DAY.
>> IF YOU WANT TO MAKE THESE
MOVIES SO BAD, WHY DON'T YOU

JUST GET VACCINATED?
>> THE BETTER QUESTION IS, WHY
WON'T Y'ALL LET ME MAKE MY

FAVORITE PROJECT FEATURING THE
GREATEST DRAMATIC DUO OF ALL
TIME?

ICE CUBE, MERYL STREEP.
EATING OCTOPUS AND TRAIPSING ALL
AROUND MYKONOS IN "MAMMA MIA 2."

THAT'S RIGHT.
BOTH OF US ROCKING WHITE LINEN
PANTSUITS NO DRAWERS.

>> NO DRAWERS?
HOW MANY MOVIES WERE YOU MAKING?
>> ENOUGH.

THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF THE BERG,
BOZO.
>> AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT,

NOW I GOT TO RUN MY BIG
3 BASKETBALL LEAGUE FROM HOME.
>> RIGHT, THAT'S THE LEAGUE YOU

CREATED FOR RETIRED PLAYERS?
>> YEAH, MAN.
AND NOW I CAN'T GO TO THE GAMES.

IT'S NOT THE SAME IF YOU'RE NOT
COURTSIDE, HEARING THEM KNEES
CREAK, AND THEM BACKS CRACK.

I MEAN, WHERE ELSE COULD YOU
WATCH A BUNCH OF BALLERS ON THE
WRONG SIDE OF 40 PLAY A LIGHTLY

COMPETITIVE GAME OF THREE ON
THREE?
>> AT ANY YMCA?

>> INDEED YOU COULD.
INDEED YOU COULD.
>> JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION, WHY

WON'T YOU GET VACCINATED?
>> HEY, BOZO.
I DON'T HAVE TO TELL ANYBODY

ABOUT MY PRIVATE MEDICAL
DECISIONS.
>> SO YOU'RE SCARED OF NEEDLES?

>> HELL, YEAH, I HATE THEM.
>> ICE CUBE, EVERYBODY.
>> HEY, AARON RODGERS, COME PLAY

WITH THE RAIDERS, MAN.
>>> A HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL HAS
APOLOGIZED FOR UNSPORTSMANLIKE

CONDUCT FOR THE FOOTBALL TEAM
AFTER THEY BEAT ANOTHER TEAM
100-0.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED, SAID THE JETS.
IT WAS REPORTED THAT MOTHERS IN
CALIFORNIA ARE TRYING TO PASS ON

COVID VACCINE ANTIBODIES TO
THEIR CHILDREN BY MAKING THEM
SMOOTHIES WITH THEIR BREAST

MILK.
OH, SURE.
BUT WHEN I ASK FOR THAT I GET

ESCORTED OUT OF JAMBA JUICE.
>>> A PHARMACIST WAS FIRED FOR
TRADING DRUGS FOR SEXUAL FAVORS.

WOW.
SO HE'S A PHARMACIST NOW, HUH?
>>> FEMALE PLAYERS CAN WEAR BIKE

SHORTS INSTEAD OF BIKINI BAT
TOMS.
BUT THEY'RE STILL INSISTING THE

REFS USE THIS WHISTLE.
>>> MORE THAN 30,000 PEOPLE WERE
LOCKED INSIDE SHANGHAI

DISNEYLAND AFTER ONE VISITOR
TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID.
SO, LET THIS BE A LESSON TO ALL

YOU KIDS OUT THERE, IF YOU'RE
NOT MORE CAREFUL ABOUT COVID,
YOU'LL END UP LIVING AT

DISNEYLAND.
NATIONAL IMPOTENCY AWARENESS
MONTH STARTS TUESDAY.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER COME.
>>> A SQUIRREL APPEARED TO BE
HOLDING HANDS WITH A WOMAN.

GAY MARRIAGE IS A SLIPPERY
SLOPE.
>> PLASTIC SURGEON POSTED A

VIDEO ON TIKTOK CLAIMING THAT
THE RUMOR IS TRUE THAT THE SIZE
OF A PERSON'S NOSE AS A

DIRECTION CONNECTION TO THE SIZE
OF HIS PENIS.
OH.

SO THAT'S WHY KAMILLA IS
SMILING.
>>> THE SUPREME COURT HEARD

ABOUT THE TEXAS LAW THAT
ESSENTIALLY BANS ALL ABORTIONS
AFTER JUST SIX WEEKS.

HERE TO CHEER US UP GOOBER THE
CLOWN WHO HAD AN ABORTION WHEN
SHE WAS 23.

>> HEY, HEY, HEY!
I'M GOOBER THE CLOWN.
>> SO GOOBER, YOU HAD AN

ABORTION WHEN YOU WERE 23?
>> HEY, COLIN, SMELL THIS
FLOWER.

>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SQUIRT
ME, ARE YOU?
>> OH, I WOULD NEVER.

>> OKAY.
>> OH, GOTCHA!
I HAD AN ABORTION THE DAY BEFORE

MY 23rd BIRTHDAY.
>> OKAY, SEEMS LIKE YOU DO WANT
TO TALK ABOUT YOUR ABORTION.

>> WELL, ACTUALLY, I REALLY
DON'T.
BUT PEOPLE KEEP BRINGING IT UP,

SO I GOT TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT
FREAKING ABORTION.
IT'S A ROUGH SUBJECT, SO WE'RE

GOING TO DO FUN CLOWN STUFF TO
MAKE IT MORE PALATABLE, WHEE!
HEY, WHO LIKES A BALLOON ANIMAL,

HUH?
WHAT DO YOU WANT, DO YOU WANT A
GIRAFFE?

YEAH?
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS,
EVELYN.

>> GOOBER.
AND I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO
THIS, BECAUSE MY ABORTION IS MY

PERSONAL CLOWN BUSINESS.
BUT THAT'S ALL PEOPLE IN THIS
COUNTRY WANT TO DISCUSS ALL THE

TIME, EVEN THOUGH CLOWN ABORTION
WAS LEGALIZED IN CLOWN V. WADE
IN 1973.

HERE.
>> CAN YOU STOP SAYING CLOWN
ABORTION?

WHAT THIS IS?
>> IT'S A WORM.
I DON'T KNOW.

DID YOU KNOW 1 IN 3 CLOWNS WILL
HAVE A CLOWN ABORTION IN THEIR
LIFETIME?

YOU DON'T, BECAUSE THEY DON'T
TELL YOU.
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TALK

TO OTHER CLOWNS ABOUT IT.
'CAUSE WHEN THEY DO TALK ABOUT
IT, IF YOU WERE A CLOWN WHO

WASN'T A VICTIM OF SOMETHING SAD
LIKE CLOWN-CEST, THEY THINK YOUR
CLOWN ABORTION WASN'T A

RIGHTEOUS CLOWN ABORTION.
I MEAN, WHAT THE DINK IS THAT.
>> I DON'T THINK YOU CAN SAY

THAT WORD ON THE SHOW.
>> WHAT, ABORTION?
>> I GUESS, KIND OF, YEAH.

>> OKAY.
WE'RE HAVING FUN, COLIN.
JUST LAUGH.

PULL MY FINGER.
>> NO, GOOBER.
>> LAUGH, I NEED IT.

I NEED YOU TO LAUGH SO HARD.
LIKE THE WAY I LAUGHED WHEN THE
DOCTOR ASKED IF I GOT PREGNANT

ON THE WAY OVER TO THE CLINIC,
BECAUSE I WASN'T VERY FAR ALONG,
AND THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE

JOKES TO THIS DAY.
I LOVE THAT JOKE.
SUCH A GOOD JOKE.

NOT LIKE A FUNNY HA HA JOKE.
BUT LIKE A FUNNY, YOU'RE NOT AN
AWFUL PERSON, AND YOUR LIFE

ISN'T OVER JOKE, THE BEST KIND.
HONKA-HONKA.
AND IN THE WAITING ROOM THEY HAD

A LITTLE GUEST BOOK WHERE ALL
THE CLOWNS COULD WRITE THEIR
CLOWN ABORTION STORY FOR THE

NEXT CLOWN TO READ IT SO SHE
WOULDN'T FEEL SO ALONE.
OH, HOOKAH!

AND THEN, YEARS LATER, YOU'D BE
AT DINNER WITH A BIG GROUP OF
CLOWNS, ONE CLOWN WILL GO OUT ON

A LIMB, AND SAY, "SHE'S HAD AN
ABORTION, AND THEN EIGHT OTHER
CLOWNS AT THE TABLE WILL SAY

THEY'VE HAD AN ABORTION TOO
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW COMMON IT IS.
AND EVERYONE'S EXCITED AND

RELIEVED TO BE TALKING ABOUT IT.
THEN IT'S LIKE "WOW, WE KEPT THE
SECRET SO LONG DESPITE BEING SO

GRATEFUL IT HAPPENED."
HONKA-HONKA!
>> WAIT.

WAIT A SECOND.
ARE CLOWNS REALLY WOMEN?
>> EXCUSE ME?

WOW.
COLIN JOST THINKS ALL WOMEN ARE
CLOWNS.

>> I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
>> HELIUM.
COLIN, HERE'S MY TRUTH.

I KNOW I WOULDN'T BE A CLOWN ON
TV HERE TODAY IF IT WEREN'T FOR
THE ABORTION I HAD THE DAY

BEFORE MY 23rd BIRTHDAY.
CLOWNS HAVE BEEN HELPING EACH
OTHER END THEIR PREGNANCIES

SINCE THE CAVES.
IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN SO IT OUGHT
TO BE SAFE, LEGAL, AND

ACCESSIBLE.
WE WILL
NOT BACK TO THE ALLEY.

THE LAST THING ANYONE WANTS IS A
BUNCH OF DEAD CLOWNS IN A DARK
ALLEY.

>> GOOBER THE CLOWN, EVERYONE.
>> THIS IS "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M COLIN JOST.

>> THIS IS "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE.

>> GOOD MORNING, FOLKS.
>> GOOD MORNING, FOLKS.
SHERMAN BELL ALONGSIDE KATIE

WILLIAMS.
>> COMING UP, WE'LL HEAR FROM
BETH BENNINGTON WHO IS WITH AN

EAGLE SCOUT ON AN IMPORTANT
MISSION.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, KATIE.

THIS IS TED BAXTER.
AND TED, TELL US WHAT WE'RE
DOING DOWN HERE.

>> WELL, MYSELF AND THESE BOY
SCOUTS WILL BE PICKING UP TRASH
AT THE BEACH ALL DAY.

RIGHT, GUYS?
>> YEAH!
>> OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT
THAT.
>> ME, TOO.

BUT FIRST, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT
THE WEATHER WITH RILEY COLE.
>> HEY, GUYS.

>> OH MY GOODNESS, RILEY, WHAT
ARE YOU WEARING?
>> WHO'S RILEY?

I'M TURKEY TOM.
>> TURKEY TOM, HE SAYS.
AND LOOK, HE EVEN CHANGED THE

GRAPHIC.
>> AND WHY IS TURKEY TOM
HONORING US WITH HIS PRESENCE

TODAY?
>> WELL, BECAUSE TODAY WAS THE
FIRST DAY THAT THE THERMOMETER

DROPPED BELOW 40, AND YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
TIME FOR A FALL RAP.

>> OH, BOY, HERE WE GO.
**
* THE LEAVES ARE TURNING ORANGE

THE GRASS IS TURNING BROWN *
* THE WIND IS GETTING COLDER AND
THE *

>> THIS IS A RHODE ISLAND
WEATHER ALERT.
A SEVERE STORM IS APPROACHING.

EVACUATION ORDERS ARE IN PLACE
FOR FLOOD ZONES 1 THROUGH 4.
TAKE ONLY WHAT IS NECESSARY.

LEAVE ALL PETS BEHIND.
LIFE THREATENING WINDS AND FLOOD
EXPECTED.

MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR
SOULS.
>> OKAY.

>> OBVIOUSLY WE HAVE A SEVERE
WEATHER SITUATION.
RILEY, HOW DID WE NOT SEE THIS

STORM COMING?
>> UM -- WELL, UH, YEAH.
I WAS WORKING ON THE RAP ALL

LAST NIGHT.
YOU KNOW, THE COSTUMES AND THE
LYRICS, THAT KIND OF THING.

SO I'M A LITTLE BEHIND HERE ON
THE WEATHER REPORT, SO MY BAD.
BUT YEAH I'M SEEING THAT THIS IS

A BIG ONE.
AND I -- I SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT
IT, I APOLOGIZE.

>> OKAY, WELL WHY DON'T WE GO TO
COMMERCIAL SO YOU CAN CHANGE
INTO SOMETHING MORE APPROPRIATE.

>> YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE TO.
BUT THE DOPPLER SAYS LANDFALL
COULD BE ANY MINUTE NOW.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE RADAR
HERE.
OKAY.

THIS IS THE BIGGEST NOR'EASTER
THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN.
OKAY.

SO THERE'S THIS LARGE,
FAST-MOVING STORM.
HERE -- OKAY, YEAH.

SO -- THE TURKEYS WERE PART OF
THE RAP.
THERE'S A LYRIC ABOUT SAY

NOVEMBER BECAUSE OF
THANKSGIVING.
>> YOU KNOW THEY DO.

>> BUT ANYWAY, YOU CAN SEE
BEHIND THE TURKEYS HERE, THE
WIND IS REACHING -- WOW, 190

MILES AN HOUR.
>> RILEY --
>> THAT IS VERY DANGEROUS.

>> RILEY --
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> TAKE THE TURKEY OFF YOUR

HEAD.
>> KATIE, LET'S BE REASONABLE.
TURKEY TOM.

>> DON'T CALL HIM THAT.
>> KATIE, PLEASE.
TURKEY TOM, CAN WE BE LOOKING AT

STRUCTURAL DAMAGE
FROM THESE WINDS?
>> MORE THAN DAMAGE.

I THINK SHOULD AREAS COULD BE
COMPLETELY FLATTED.
WE SHOULD EXPECT MANY, MANY

CASUALTIES.
>> JUST TAKE THE TURKEY HAT OFF.
>> BOO!

>> OKAY, YEAH, MAYBE I SHOULD.
>> OKAY, GREAT.
AND WHILE YOU DO THAT, WE'LL GO

TO BETH BENNINGTON.
BETH, ANY SIGN OF THIS STORM
DOWN THERE?

>> YES!
>> OH, WOW.
BETH, WHERE ARE THE BOY SCOUTS?

>> THE SEA TOOK THEM!
>> OH MY GOD.
OKAY.

AND RILEY, RILEY, I SEE YOU
STILL HAVE THE TURKEY HEADPIECE
ON?

>> I DO, YES.
I DECIDED TO KEEP IT ON IN CASE
YOU WANTED TO HEAR THE REST OF

THE RAP AFTER THE STORM.
>> BOO.
>> NO.

THAT'S FAIR.
I'M SORRY I LOOK LIKE THIS.
I'M ALSO VERY SORRY I MISSED THE

STORM.
>> HEY, MAN, IT'S NOT ON YOU.
>> NO, IT ABSOLUTELY IS.

LET'S GO TO COMMERCIAL SO RILEY
CAN CHANGE.
KEEP IT HERE FOR MORE AS THIS

DANGEROUS STORM DEVELOPS.
>> AND LATER, WE'LL HEAR THE
LOCAL BOY SCOUT TROOP WHO IS

>> AND LATER, WE'LL HEAR THE
LOCAL BOY SCOUT TROOP WHO IS
CLEANING UP THE BEACH.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, ED SHEERAN.
**

* THIS IS A DARK PARADE
ANOTHER ROUGH PATCH
TO RAIN ON TO RAIN ON

I KNOW YOUR FRIENDS MAY *
* SAY THIS IS A CAUSE
FOR CELEBRATION

HIP-HIP-HOORAY LOVE
PHOTOGRAPHS IN SEPIA TONES *
* IT'S SO STILL

THE FIRE'S BARELY
FIGHTING THE COLD ALONE
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN *

* I CAN FEEL YOUR GHOST
JUST WHEN I'M ALMOST
LETTING YOU GO

THE CARDS WERE STACKED *
* AGAINST US BOTH
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH
WE'LL NEVER FADE LIKE *
* GRAFFITI ON THE OVERPASS

AND I KNOW TIME MAY CHANGE
THE WAY YOU THINK OF US
BUT I'LL REMEMBER *

* THE WAY WE WERE
YOU WERE THE
FIRST FULL STOP

LOVE THAT WILL *
* NEVER LEAVE
BABY YOU WILL NEVER

BE LOST ON ME
OHH OHH OHH *
* THIS IS A REAL REAL SHAME

I NEVER WANTED TO BREAK IT
OR LEAVE US TAINTED
KNOW I SHOULD WALK AWAY *

* BUT I JUST CAN'T
REPLACE US OR
EVEN ERASE US

THE CAR WAS STUCK *
* THE ENGINE STALLED
AND BOTH OF US GOT CAUGHT

OUT IN THE SNOW ALONE
THERE WERE TIMES WHEN *
* I FORGET THE LOWS

AND THINK THE HIGHS WERE
ALL THAT WE'D EVER KNOWN
THE CARDS WERE STACKED *

* AGAINST US BOTH
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH

WE'LL NEVER FADE LIKE *
* GRAFFITI ON THE OVERPASS
AND I KNOW TIME MAY CHANGE

THE WAY YOU THINK OF US
BUT I'LL REMEMBER *
* THE WAY WE WERE

YOU WERE THE
FIRST FULL STOP
LOVE THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE *

* BABY YOU WILL NEVER
BE LOST ON ME
OHH OHH OHH

BABY YOU WILL NEVER *
* BE LOST ON ME
OHH OHH OHH

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH *
* WE'LL NEVER FADE LIKE

GRAFFITI ON THE OVERPASS
I KNOW TIME MAY CHANGE
THE WAY YOU THINK OF US *

* BUT I'LL REMEMBER
THE WAY WE WERE
YOU WERE THE

FIRST FULL STOP *
* LOVE THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE
BABY YOU WILL NEVER

BE LOST ON ME
OHH OHH OHH *
* YEAH YEAH YEAH

YEAH YEAH YEAH
LOST ON ME
OHH OHH OHH *

OHH OHH OHH *
* OOH GRAFFITI
ON THE OVERPASS *

UP.
ARE YOU GOING TO SIT HERE OR ARE
YOU GOING TO CALL HER.

>> IF I WERE HERE, I WOULDN'T
TAKE ME BACK EITHER.
I WAS REALLY A JERK TO HER.

I WAS SELFISH AND I WAS TOO
AFRAID TO BE VULNERABLE.
AND I LOST HER.

>> JO, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
JUST TELL HER THAT.
>> YEAH, MAN.

SHE WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE
HEARING THAT.
JUST GIVE HER A CALL, BUDDY.

TELL HER WHAT YOU TOLD US.
>> HELLO?
>> HEY.

IT'S ME, IT'S JOHN.
[ BLEEP ] YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]

[ BLEEP ] YOU.
>> NO.
WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?

>> STOP.
>> I'M FREAKING OUT.
>> SAY WHAT YOU SAID EARLIER,

THE BEING VULNERABLE THING.
>> [ BLEEP ] YOU.
>> OH NO!

>> [ BLEEP ].
>> WOULDN'T LET YOU IN IN THE
FIRST PLACE, GIRLIE.

>> BAIL ME OUT, TELL HER I'M
SORRY, PLEASE.
>> HI, ANGIE, HEY.

SORRY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S --
[ BLEEP ] YOU.
>> OH MY GOD.

>> [ BLEEP ] YOU, LOSER.
>> YOU'RE DOING IT TOO!
>> I HATE ALL OF WHAT YOU'RE

WORKING WITH.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
>> GET OFF THE PHONE.

>> ANGIE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON WITH THOSE GUYS.
I LOVE YOU.

[ BLEEP ].
>> THAT'S MY EX-GIRLFRIEND!
>> ANGIE, IT'S ME.

I'M REALLY SORRY.
>> DUDE, IT'S ON MUTE.
>> OOPS.

[ BLEEP ] YOU, [ BLEEP ].
>> WHY ARE WE SO OFF TODAY?
>> SHE HUNG UP ON ME.

WOW.
>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?
>> VERY MATURE.

>> BLEW IT AGAIN WITH THE LOVE
OF MY LIFE.
>> YEAH, BLEW IT WITH MY LAST

GIRLFRIEND, TOO.
BY GETTING MY PENIS STUCK IN HER
TOILET.

JUST LIKE I BLEW IT WITH STEVIE.
EVERY TIME WE'D HAVE SEX, I'D
SAY, AICHEEWAWA.

SHE DID NOT LIKE THAT.
>> ANGIE WASN'T LIKE YOUR UGLY
GIRLFRIENDS.

SHE WAS AS WARM AS A SUMMER
NIGHT.
AS SWEET AS A SONG.

SHE WAS --
>> OH MY GOSH, SHE'S ON HER WAY
UP.

>> YOU MOTHER [ BLEEP ]!
>> ANGIE!
>> ANGIE!

>> ANGIE!
>> ANGIE!
>> NO, NO, NO -- ANGIE, ANGIE!

SHEERAN, DIONNE WARWICK, TRACY
MORGAN AND MY BROTHER MAX FOR
LETTING ME SHARE THE STAGE WITH

HIM 30 YEARS AGO.
THE CAST, THE CREW, EVERYONE.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

THE CAST, THE CREW, EVERYONE.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
IT WAS AMAZING!