All language subtitles for Phony.2022.WEBRip.x264-YTS.MX-YIFY-English

You didn't say anything
about this online.

Yeah, remember when I

told you about the
experiment I was working on?

No, experiment?

So I'm a sociologist, right?

And I told you that I was really busy.

Right, yeah, you said
you were real busy.

Right, and I
had a lot of work to do.

Well, this is what I'm working on.

I asked you to help.

Yeah

So what do I do? I just eat?

Yeah, just ignore
the cameras completely.

That's the point actually,

is to see how well people
can ignore being watched

when they know that they are.

Okay, so, what should we do?

Should we act like we're sitting down

introducing ourself?

- Like, hey David, I'm...
- No, no, no, no.

No acting at all. No acting,
just sit, you and me,

completely ignore the cameras.

Okay

- You got it?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, so here we go.

No acting.

So, Erin?

Who has two?

They came from the grant,

but you're not ignoring the cameras

and that's the whole point.

Oh yeah, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Okay, I'm good.

I have one more question.

No one gets to see this, right?

No, absolutely no
one will get to see this.

Okay.

I'm ignoring the the cameras.

Let's do this.

I thought you
said you were six one.

It's a waxing moon.

What?

Our heights are affected
by the lunar cycle.

Kind of like the waves in the ocean.

So, throughout the course of the month,

we have a range of different
heights that we occupy.

Well, you're the scientist.

Waxing moon.

Wait, were you filming all this?

Yeah, I told you
I was gonna be recording

all of our interaction.

No, you said just the conversation.

I haven't signed any sort of consent form.

I mean, I have you on
camera saying, "Yes," so.

No one gets to see this though, right?

That's right.

Well, except for some clinicians.

Wait, who?

Nobody, just some researchers,

like they're not perverted or anything.

Just some little scientists

trying to make this world a better place.

They're heroes really.

But that's it?

Yeah, that's it.

I could be a clinician, all right?

I will be one.

I mean, this
is what I'm saying, man.

Lies are where it's at,
no one wants the truth.

She totally fuckin' bought it.

I hear you, oh man.

David, I'm serious when I ask this,

and I need you to be honest,

What's that?

What's her number?

I'm not giving you her number.

Look at that, she's
totally asking for it.

Literally, she is.

No.

All right, well, how was she?

What, like in bed?

No, in the experiment.

I mean, there's no experiment, so.

Of course I meant in
bed, you idiot, all right?

Although...

Although what?

Dude, no, you can't.

- Don't film this.
- I'm just saving this

for later,

- just give me a...
- No, this is not for you

to save to later.

- This is not for you.
- Okay, listen for a second.

Stop it, delete the shot.

You don't need it, delete the shot.

Okay.

You do it?

Chill out, I'll
delete it, I promise.

You promise?

I promise.

All right, just give me
a second. I'm just gonna...

Oh fuck.

My camera, okay.

Hopefully that's good and
I'm just gonna adjust that.

Let me, let me, let me.

Okay, all right, well,
okay, you're the expert.

What are we doing here?

You said something earlier

and it really stuck with me.

I think we can turn your shitty womanizing

into something really great.

Whoa.

No, I know.

Listen, hear me out.

You said that lying is where it's at.

Yeah, I did say that.

Okay and you lie to
women to hook up with them

- and that's...
- No, it's more than that.

Okay, but you lie to them, right? Why?

Okay, so, our whole lives
we're groomed on fiction

and movies and books.

No one actually wants to be
with someone that's real.

So who the fuck is gonna
swipe right on someone like...

On you?

Sure, yeah, someone like me.

It's almost like in order to
experience a real relationship,

you kind of have to be fake.

That makes total sense, David.

All right, that's what I
want this movie to say.

Dude you're not putting
my fucking sex tape online.

I don't care what bullshit
justification you have,

that's called revenge porn.

I mean, unless they sign
some sort of consent,

but then that defeats

- the whole point, right?
- Okay, listen,

does National Geographic publish a

tribal revenge porn magazine?

Dude, that is not even the same.

Not even comparable.

That's documentary.

Okay?

If it's documentary or satire,
you don't need consent.

Okay, then genius,

give me a documentary-satire on boobs.

Okay.

Breast in show.

That was clever.

Look David,

I wanna make a tasteful film

about how deceitful we
have to be these days.

If you're uncomfortable
with the sex stuff,

we don't need to have it in there.

No nudity in the movie.

Then no one's gonna watch it.

The whole point of someone
watching a documentary

is so that they can look at boobs

without feeling like a
dick for watching porn.

Well, then fuck them!

Okay? We're not gonna be
one of those shitty docs

that shows gratuitous hot chicks' breasts

at the beginning of a film,

just to trick them into
watching 90 minutes

of fucking boring bullshit.

Look, okay.

This is what we'll do.

After it's all over, after it's all done,

we'll run it past the girls, right?

And if they're cool with the film,

which they will be because
of the positive message

and it's not exploitative,

maybe they'll let us show each
of them topless at the end.

As a reward for the guys

that have made it all the way through.

So you wanna take turns tricking girls

into believing our bullshit,

and then what? We capitalize

- off that, or what?
- No, no, no, no, David, stop.

Not we.

No, I'm not in this.

Just me?

Yeah.

You're the one that's good at this shit.

You are the one that's
good at manipulating people

into doing what they want.

I'm bad at that, I'm bad
and I'm not gonna be in it.

No way.

Except for right now,
right here, right now?

No, man, no.

This is way too boring, this
is not gonna make the cut.

'Cause there's no naked chicks in it.

Okay, all right, yeah, that was clever.

Thank you.

That was clever.

But that's not the same thing.

Look, David, are you in?

No fucking way.

Okay, so what are we gonna film this on?

Like cell phones?

No way, dude.

If we want to make a movie,

we're gonna make it look
like a movie, right?

Okay. And look, it's
just us filming this.

I don't want any of your
film friends, Matt or mark,

or who-the-fuck-ever is
gonna be standing over me

when I'm trying to score, right?

Definitely not, definitely not.

And no one gets to see the raw footage

until you have personally edited that.

Is that a deal?

Yeah, of course.

All right, now what about a script?

Are you gonna write it?
Is it gonna be a joint?

Hey, no, there is no script.

That's the whole point.

Have you been listening
to what I'm saying?

I mean, you're the director.

You're the director, right?

Did you say director?

No, I'm not directing, you're
you're directing it, man.

I'm directing it?

Yeah, you decide what
you do by your actions.

You're the one doing it.
You're deciding what to do.

No, no, I cannot be the director

'cause if I direct this, I'm
gonna look like I'm an asshole.

Well, only if
you're being an asshole.

Dude, that's not the point.

I'm going to look like an asshole.

So you don't wanna direct?

Well, I definitely don't
wanna be called the director.

No.

Okay.

Okay, I'll take the directing credit.

Okay, cool. Thank you.

So, should we get started?

Yeah, let's do it.

Hi, I'm David Bush,

and I decided to selflessly
sacrifice my reputation

in order to bring you
through a guided tour

through the doors of
an exclusive underworld

thought?

Selflessly sacrifice my reputation

in order to take you through
a guided tour of the doors.

Through the doors of an
exclusive underworld thought

that provide, mother fucker.

Of thought that pervades all of our lives.

My reputation, in order to
take you on a guided tour,

underworld of thought.

Exclusive underworld of thought.

All right, let's
just do it. Let's roll it.

Let's just roll it.

We're just gonna roll it.

Oh god, this is so
stressful. Okay.

We're rolling, we're rolling,

- we're rolling.
- Is this rolling.

We're all rolling,
we're ready to go.

Let's do it.

All right.

Hi, I'm David Bush,

and I have decided to selflessly sacrifice

my reputation in order to
bring you on a guided tour,

through the doors of an
exclusive underworld of thought

that pervades all of our lives.

An elicit society

in which we have all pledged
complicit membership.

Welcome to Fuck Club.

- Now...
- Fuck club?

Yeah, it's gonna be the title.

You don't want sex or nudity,

or to seem like an asshole,

but you wanna call the movie, "Fuck Club"?

Yeah. It's kind of like "Fight Club,"

you know, plight of the
middle-class white man.

I was thinking maybe we could just

more overtly call it by what it is.

You don't like Fuck Club?

Yes, I love Fuck Club.

We're gonna call it Fuck Club.

All right, cool.

Just like "Fight Club."

Yes.

Just, kind of.

Great, that's great.

Well, we are not gonna
show a flash of my dick

at the end though.

Okay.

Welcome to Fuck Club.

Okay, so,

I started using some of these websites

because I couldn't find anyone

that was generally
interested in real life.

Right? Like, no one hot.

Right?

Sure, yeah.

You make me sound like a dick.

I'm sorry, go ahead.

So I signed up for and yeah,

I mean, it had a bunch
of people that were hot,

but some of their bio lines

were genuinely kind of cool.

Well, 'cause they're bullshit.

Right.

So then, I put my info
up there, not lying.

And guess how many hits I got?

How many?

None.

Ouch.

So then I did what I do best.

You lied?

Research, is what I do best.

Okay, sorry.

Check this out.

Look at this girl, right here.

Look at her, I found her profile

- right here.
- Oh, she's beautiful.

So look, this
is the original, okay?

And this is the edit.

- Oh, no.
- Look, she took this guy,

she cut him out completely,

like, her boyfriend or friend or whatever.

Yeah, she's cheating around.

Yes.

And in addition to that, watch this.

Okay? Look right here.

You can see some of his hair,
right here and right here.

- Yeah, I see that.
- She made her eyes bigger.

- Right?
- Oh!

And then check this out.

This is my favorite part.

Look at that dude, whitehead.

- Oh, no!
- Right there.

She hottened herself.

Yeah, she heated herself.

Yeah, digital surgery.

No way.

Yup.

All right, so what did you learn?

Did you put yourself under the cursor too?

I mean, yes and no.

Guys are supposed to look
like life happens to them,

so, did I smooth out my skin? No.

But you exaggerated your height?

I'm sorry, that's a lunar thing.

I keep forgetting.

Anyway, I hate this camera,

do you have to be filming with this?

Yes, it's part
of the movie, all right?

Just deal with it.

Okay, just scoot back a little bit.

All right.

Back on track.

Girls can post selfies.

Guys cannot.

Never, ever post a selfie.

So what I did, is I took a
couple pictures of myself,

all right?

Just doing stuff.

The more ambiguous, the better.

And then, I just doctored up my profile.

Oh, okay, so you
like long walks on the beach,

you want the perfect family,

you're looking for the right woman.

No!

Fuck no.

That is clearly a lie.

You have to say things like,
"I'm too busy with work.

I'm not sure if I have
time for a relationship."

All right, what
do you do for work?

You just gotta cater it to the girl.

I mean, that's not the point.

The point is, I'm not
actually looking for somebody.

So if I find someone
that makes an impression,

it's because they're fucking amazing.

That's backwards, but it's clever.

Okay. Are you using this for the movie?

Because you look really stupid right now.

It's not about
what I look like, okay?

It looks stupid to you, but
the camera can't see me.

Oh, fuck.

I mean, can we just
put a camera up here?

We got a little,

this records footage.

That's a camera?

Yeah.

No, that's stupid.

Okay, David, why don't you update everyone

and tell them where we're at?

I thought you weren't
gonna be in the movie?

I'm not, I'm just narrating,

I'm like an active participant.

Okay. So how about you
narrate where we are?

Okay, fine.

Hey, we're at a bar where
we're about to meet...

I, not we. You're narrating, remember.

- Sorry.
- It's okay.

David is at a bar where
he's about to meet Abby

for the first time.

David, why don't you tell Abby,

tell her what you think she does.

I told her that was a filmmaker.

Oh God. You told her what this is?

You told her about this?

Yeah, told her the truth.

Told her everything, man.

Might as well end the film now.

David?

Hey, how are you?

Good.

Do you mind if I actually film you?

I'm sorry, oh my god, I just realized

I didn't even tell you about this.

It's a work thing.

If you want me to, I can stop.

What kind of movie are you making

that involves me?

I mean, it
could be a documentary.

You're right, that was dumb,
that was really stupid.

It's not a documentary.

Look, I'm just gonna go.

No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry.

- Please don't go.
- Do you work in movies

or not?

I do work in movies.

I work in the film industry.

I'm a scout and that's
what I was doing on,

I wasn't really originally
looking for a date.

But I came across you and

- you seemed...
- What are you scouting?

It's for this Brad Pitt
and Edward Norton movie.

Okay, so her profile
said she loves "Fight Club"

which is actually really perfect.

It also said she's super ambitious.

This is very unprofessional, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't do this.

So, I could be in a movie?

I really don't
want to lead you on.

No, please.

What do I have to do?

I mean, I won't put out or anything,

but you seem really interesting.

I can't do this.

You know what? I'm sorry, I can't do this.

You're fine.

Hey, what the fuck, man?

Well, you're not gonna believe this.

Left the bar two minutes
ago and where's Sam?

Nowhere.

Fuck it, I'm gonna wait.

Yeah, that guy can be predatory,

I've seen him around here a few times.

Yeah, I totally got that vibe.

Hey, Sam.

I was just talking to this guy,

but if you wanna still talk
about that movie, and about

- the casting and stuff.
- Sam, we need to talk.

You guys know each other?

- No.
- No,

no, never seen him before in my life.

Let's go guy, I don't know.

Yeah, I'll be back.

You fucking honed in the second...

Hey! I did not hone in.

I did not hone in, okay?

A, that part of the documentary was over

'cause you walked out.

And then I came right back in.

I mean, is this your fucking plan, man?

Use me to get gullible girls?

No, listen.

B, all right,

I was trying to smooth things out

'cause she was weirded out

when you creeped out on her.

Exactly.

Make the fucking movie yourself.

Hey, man.

No, no, no, listen, listen.

I was trying to get her reaction, okay?

I was trying to record it for you, okay?

So you could see, she was weirded out,

she was gonna report you, David.

That is what I'm worried about, man.

I can't fucking do this.

You've been doing it for ages.

Not in front of a camera.
Not for people to watch.

This is getting in my head,

it's making me act fucking weird, man.

If I am not confident,

I can not do this.

Listen, timid is good, okay?

Girls like timid.

They say they like
confidence, but they don't,

they like timid.

No. For the most part,
girls do not like timid.

Well, guess what, man?

It got me her number.

Sam.

Yeah, no, I'm just kidding.

I'm kidding.

Okay? I didn't get her number,

I just wanted to film your reaction.

You're fucking filming.

Why the fuck are you even
filming right now, man?

And I'm done.

If you wanna do this on
your own, that's fine.

But I'm not fucking coming back.

I'm done.

David, come on, man.

Don't be a jerk, man.

Fuck off.

I can't film this by myself,
that's the whole point.

I can't do scenes by myself.

You can do this, you can do this.

Okay, all right.

Take one.

Action.

So it's been six days

since David's kicked us
out of his fuck club.

What is that?

Oh, that's called something,

when you use the title
of a movie in the movie,

what is that called?

There's a word for it.

Let me see.

Entitlement, entitlement.

That sounds phony.

Take five.

You got this.

So, apparently the word is metonymy.

So, David kicked us out of his
phony, metonymical fuck club,

and I've done my best,

but I can't figure out a way to

continue the film without him.

There has been one pretty
nice silver lining though.

And I promise you, this
was not a goal of mine,

but it just turned out that...

Oh, I think that's Abby there.

One second.

Maybe like just in case, right?

I'm coming!

One second.

David wishes he had a crib like this.

One second.

Hey David, you like apples?

How do you like these?

Hey, I'm really glad you're home

because I need to talk to you.

Did you know I was coming?

Yeah, I've been sitting
here for a week filming.

Huh, you wanna watch the footage?

No, not really.

Sam, I wanna help with the movie.

Yeah, unfortunately
I think I decided

to go a different route with the movie.

So, I don't know if you can
really help out that much,

but why the change of heart?

I got a video I
need to show you.

Oh? All right.

You've been making the
movie without us, huh?

No, I haven't,

but this cannot go in the movie.

You promise? You understand that?

Of course, yeah.

I promise.

All right.

Let me get it pulled up.

- Give me time.
- Yeah, do it.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

Okay.

A project that

- you're filming yourself for.
- Okay, how does this not

constitute making the movie on your own?

Because this isn't going in the movie.

Well, why'd you film it?

Because I hate failing at things

and I wanted to see if I could.

Okay.

What'd you tell her?

Just watch the movie.

Well, I thought this
wasn't for the movie.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just
haven't seen any boobs yet, so.

Okay, all right, just play it.

It's archival purposes

and it keeps it from being weird

'cause if I was just recording you,

I mean, that would be a
little, that'd be creepy.

And what exactly do you do in film?

I'm a producer actually.

But don't worry, I'm not
trying to cast you or anything.

I don't know. I think
I'd be an okay actress.

Okay.

So if you're not, you know, why are you?

It's just for research

for a character that
we're trying to develop.

Oh, really?

What's she like?

Well, she's complicated.

Thanks, I think.

No, it's just
research that we're doing

instead of having some male guy

just typing up how he
thinks a woman should speak.

You know? It's nice to
know how an actual woman...

Okay.

Hey, what the hell?

I didn't say anything.

That's okay.

There's nothing more
that's really interesting.

You didn't score, did you?

No, I did, I did.

Okay.

What? You get your confidence
back and now you want back in?

I like her, like for real.

What the fuck, David.

I still wanna do the movie though.

What is she, just super open-minded?

No, she thinks I'm a filmmaker.

Okay, so you're just gonna act around

and make your lie a true thing?

No, people make out in
movies and stuff all the time

so it doesn't matter.

But the thing is, I know
you want a documentary

and if I'm in this, that
means I'm gonna be acting.

Is that okay?

Hey, man, when is anyone
ever not acting, right?

All right, let's make a movie.

Let's make a movie, right?

We'll make a movie,
it'll be a good movie.

All right, I'm sweaty.

So, let's do a little pop quiz.

On this profile, which
one do you think this is?

Okay, hopefully her.

- Which one? Her?
- This one here, yeah.

No, it is never her.

Damn.

Yeah.

We're gonna do a little game.

I want you to read the
little subtext titles here

and I'm gonna do a translation for you.

I'm about to educate you.

Okay, fun.

Okay, quirky sense of humor.

Not funny.

Damn, no, she's not funny? Okay.

No.

All right. Very
open-minded and outgoing.

Anal sex is a possibility.

Really?

Yeah.

Trust me on that one.

I trust you.

Okay, family oriented.

That means she has a kid.

No.

Yes, I guarantee you.

Go through those pictures,
I bet you anything

there's a picture of a kid in there.

Yup, there is.

- There's a kid.
- I was right?

- Nicely done, yeah.
- See, called it.

Oh, well, at least she's outgoing.

- Right?
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

She's down for the butt-sucks.

Oh, race, definitely not an issue.

That means she doesn't
get along with her parents.

What?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, which one
are you gonna talk to?

All of them.

Why?

Probability.

Do you tell these
girls what you're doing?

Yeah, of course.

I'm always telling the truth.

You, babe, are one in a million.

Hmm, all right.

Okay. What's next?

Next, we do research.

Okay, so, first thing you wanna do,

is weed out the robots and trust me,

there's a lot of fucking ro...

All right, what's next?

Next, we chat online and
then if things work out there,

we chat in person.

Oh, look, she's a vet.

That's awesome, you should
one-up her and be a doctor.

No, I shouldn't be a doctor.

Okay, so I have to ask.

Yes, they are for work.

But you're a doctor, right?

So?

Well, sort of, I may
have fibbed a little bit.

I feel like,

people judge me whenever
they find out the truth.

Oh my God, tell me about it.

About what?

Here we go.

Look, this one says

she just got out of a
serious relationship.

Yeah, she could be a
grieve counselor, right?

Oh, she's looking more like a lawyer.

Ah, no, I can't be a lawyer.

They're pretty much the
only ones that don't lie.

Am I in some
kind of trouble, or?

What?

Is there a reason
that you're filming me?

Oh, I am so sorry.

This was from the deposition.

David?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hilary, how are you?

Welcome, come have a seat.

What's this?

It's stupid, I know,

and I probably shouldn't do it,

but I feel like I might
regret it if I don't.

Would you mind if on tape,

I asked you a series of questions?

I have a client who's really nervous

about how the jury's gonna perceive her.

I am a cosmetic surgeon.

So why are you filming me?

Is this a before and after video?

You gonna fix my face?

No, no, no, look.

It's just, I'm sentimental, okay?

And I figured, if you and I hit it off,

how awesome would it be,

if we had the first time
we ever met, on tape?

Wow, you're totally serious.

Yeah.

I mean, you and me,

we can always go back and
look at the first time

you ever laid eyes on me.

Yeah and I doubted the shit out of you.

So, let's start
by stating your name.

My name is Katrina.

I'm sorry, I thought you
said your name was Kayla.

Oh, well, that's how I
call myself, is that okay?

Remind me not to call
you up as a witness.

Okay.

So, what is your favorite?

Did you just fake a sneeze?

Well, gesundheit.

Did you know, that in Germany,

gez is the German word for weight.

So, whenever you went
to go see your doctor,

he would ask you for your
weight and your height.

Your, gesundheit.

Really? Huh?

So why would she fake
sneeze, I don't get it.

Sneezing is the most honest expression

a person can possibly do.

So, if they look cute sneezing,

they will look cute doing
literally anything else.

Okay, all right.

Is he with you?

What?

Is he helping you sentimentalize?

No.

Hey buddy.

What?

Are you filming us?

Are you filming us?

No, I'm just watching a movie.

Now we'll be able to
remember the first time

we told a creeper to fuck off, together.

So, KaylaKat,

would you like to come back to my office?

Wouldn't that
be a conflict of interest?

Mr. Lawyer.

I think interests are only interesting

when they're conflicted.

Great fucking line.

I know, right?

Get out of here.

Did you script it?

No,

I have been waiting fucking
forever to say it though.

Okay. All right.

On to the interesting interest.

Are you filming this too?

I mean, should I be?

No.

Maybe so.

That way, whenever I'm old and decrepit

and have erectile dysfunction.

You're smoking hot at 85,

we can always look back at the days

when I was able to satisfy you.

Oh, you think you will?

I hope so.

Okay.

Really?

All right, camera's rolling.

I thought you said you were six one.

That was before the surgery.

I'm just messing with you,
everything works fine.

Oh my God.

Okay.

Hey!

I'm sorry, can we just
talk about this high thing

for a second?

Yeah, if we must, sure.

Okay, so I lie and I say
that I'm two inches taller

than I really am.

And they catch you.

Yeah, sure, they do.

What else is a lie?

What?

Bras.

Bras are a lie.

Have you ever taken a girl's bra off

and not felt disappointment?

Yes, all the time.

Okay, so, the bra is
there obviously to sell

the fake size and shape of a boob.

Breast in show.

Right.

So why is tall, dark and handsome

a perfectly acceptable thing
for a woman to look for?

But a big breasted blonde
is not an acceptable thing

for a guy to look for?

Neither trait matters.

Okay, I see you're
passionate about this,

I appreciate it.

But let's do this.
Let's just keep playing.

Okay?

And we'll see if we're disappointed.

Actually, well, no, hers are great.

There was no disappointment there,

but I have this other thing to show you.

Okay, so check this out.

Okay.

What is it? Is it a sex scene?

Yeah.

- Really?
- No.

Okay, I'm
filming your sex scenes

from now on.

Sure, whatever.

All right, check this girl out.

Okay, now look her.

What is she lying about?

Her gez?

Her what?

Her weight.

I don't know, is she an A cup?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Well, actually, no, I don't know.

Watch, just check this out.

You can stop
pretending, you know?

What?

Stop pretending not to notice.

You can just ask.

Oh, okay.

So, how did it happen?

Polar bear
attack when I was a kid.

Really?

No, would be a cool story though, right?

No, yeah, that would've
been a great story.

Get it? Cool story?

Oh my God, that was funny.

Can I ask you a serious question?

Yeah, I'd love that.

How come you don't
show it on your profile?

I used to,

but then all I really got
were amputee fetishists,

which is fine.

But now, when I use it
as a reveal, it's a test.

Are they into me, the person?

Or me, the body they were expecting?

Be real with me.

What happened?

I was just born without it.

No shit.

Yeah, so, not as
interesting, hence the stories.

Did you wanna hold my hand?

What?

That's a little weird, right?

The fact that you were
having a conversation

about the subject of the film
with one of its subjects?

No.

That she didn't say
anything about the arm,

like that upfront.

Like that is weird, right?

I don't know.

Maybe she doesn't wanna
be defined as that, right?

I mean, it's like...

Okay, look.

Here's a hypothetical, okay?

Let's say you were dating this chick

and then one day you slept with her

and then eventually down the line,

you found out she was a dude.

Would you be pissed?

Well, I guess that
means they did the surgery

really, really well, if
I didn't notice, right?

But would you be pissed?

I mean, that is something
she should have, or he,

or whatever, should have
told you from the front.

From the very beginning.

Yeah, well, okay,

but it's one of those things where

it doesn't wanna be identified as that.

Okay, let's say you're a convict, right?

At what point is that
something that you admit?

Like, at what point do you
go on your match.com profile

and put, "Oh, by the
way I do manslaughter."

Yeah, exactly.

At what point do you say,
"Oh, hey, I'm a rapist."

When she says, "No."

Okay, back to left-handed Lara.

Now who's the asshole?

What? No, it seems
like you two hit it off.

Do you think there's some
prospects of maybe...

What? Like sex?

I mean, or more?

- I don't know - No.

Why? It's because of the arm?

No, it's because of Crystal.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck, I keep forgetting about Crystal.

Is that still a thing?

Yeah, is it?

Jesus!

Fuck, I did not hear you come in.

Yeah, I noticed.

You also didn't hear me when I called

or hear me when I agreed to
be in a relationship with you.

What the fuck is this?

Well, I told you I
was working on a movie.

This is the movie.

Uh-huh. You told me you were a producer.

You didn't say you'd be
sleeping with a bunch of girls.

You obviously don't
know what a producer does.

So what? You're acting now?

Is that what you're gonna tell me?

These are all performances?

That's exactly what this is.

These are unscripted performances.

We're shooting a social satire.

Yeah, Breast in Show.

Let me see the script.

No, well, there is no script.

It's a lot like "Borat."

It's a completely unscripted documentary,

but it's also a movie.

It is absolutely cutting-edge.

"Borat" won an Oscar
for best screenplay.

How do you know that?

Because I'm into movies.

Or did David neglect to tell you that?

Oh, oh.

No, he didn't technically tell me.

You showed him the tape, didn't you?

What?

No, fuck, Crystal, wait!

Well he should have.

There we go.

Go ahead.

We have a problem.

Yeah, let me guess.

Your girlfriend won't let
you be in the movie anymore?

Not exactly, no.

Okay, you broke up with her

and now you want out?

No.

All right, what?

She wants in.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, great.

Associate producer credit coming her way,

- easy.
- No, look,

she wants to be in it.

Okay, yeah.

We'll add the clip of her interrupting us.

I just add that in and that'll...

No, we're not gonna include
that clip into the movie,

she actually wants to
play a role, like a part.

A part?

Yeah.

David, that will never work.

Do you see it? That destroys
the integrity of the film.

If she starts acting, it ruins everything.

I mean, wasn't it you who said,

"When is anyone ever not acting?"

No, I never said that.

I think it would be good.

She'll be adding another level to the lie.

Okay.

We'll add this clip, just so
everyone knows she's acting.

That'll work.

No, that's not.

Let's just give her a restaurant scene,

just a standard, simple, restaurant scene.

Okay, one scene. That's it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you doing?

We're making a scene.

No, we're not.

What scene are we doing?

My scene.

Okay, what happens in this scene?

Can I go get dressed
before we shoot the scene?

This isn't the scene,

this is just behind the scenes.

I'm gonna go get
dressed, and is that okay?

Check this out.

What was that?

I thought we could do the
gesundheit bit in our scene.

I mean, we
already shot that bit.

Yeah, but we'll do it better.

It'll be good.

Well, it's not supposed to be good.

It's supposed to be real

and it's original and that's the point.

Nothing is original.

Okay, you're right.

Here's what I'm gonna do.

I am going to, real quick,

I'm gonna go change and
then I'm gonna come back

and then together,

we are gonna write a
good unoriginal scene.

Can it take place at the park?

So David, do you wanna tell
me why you're filming us?

Yeah, and if you don't want me to,

we can stop at

- any point in time.
- Oh, no.

It's okay.

I just feel like I look
weird on camera.

Oh no, you look fantastic.

And that's just it,

I'm doing an art installation piece,

called Real People, Real Places.

Really?

Yeah it's...

And then you're supposed
to do that bit, you know?

- It's okay.
- Oh, yeah you're right.

Just take it back.

We're good, we're good to go, yeah.

I'm doing an art installation piece.

It's called Real People, Real Places.

Really?

Yeah, really.

It's about how beautiful
people act in their natural...

So, do you need me to tell
you a little bit about myself?

Sure.

Why don't you tell me about yourself?

Yeah, okay.

Gesundheit!

Did you know that gez is
the German word for weight?

Hey, I was thinking...

You seem a lot taller
than you said online.

You know, I've heard it's a lunar thing?

You should turn the camera off.

What?

You should turn the camera off.

Okay.

Is it off?

Yup.

We should have sex.

Okay, wait,
like for movie? Or like?

No, for real.

Let's have sex, let's do it.

For real.

Okay, I can't tell if you're
being Crystal right now?

I'm really confused.

Yes and no.

Sam's filming this, right?

Probably.

Okay.

Okay, so, like,

are you serious?

Shh, don't
worry, I'm on the pill.

Oh, you had better not be lying.

No, never.

Crystal, I can't.

'Cause really, he can't hear us.

Yeah, I know.

Serious?

Uh-huh.

Oh! Hello, hi.

Oh, okay.

That's a thing.

Uh-huh.

Are the cameras set?

Yeah, they're fine.

So we have a bit of a problem.

Yeah, no shit.

You finally gonna tell me what happened

after you blocked out the
camera the other night?

I'll show you.

You actually filmed it?

Did you hear me?

I'm sorry, what was that?

I don't want you sleeping
with anybody else, understand?

Okay, but I thought we had agreed that

we were making this movie.

Well, so I had this idea.

What if the character I'm playing,

does the same thing I did, in real life.

What if your character falls for her

and she insists, so you have to pretend?

Yeah, well, what about Sam?

Well, that could be a lie
you're telling in the movie.

You're misleading him into
thinking you're having sex,

but you're really not in order to keep me.

I mean, that's a normal guy-thing, right?

Lying about getting laid?

Just make it a part of the film.

Yeah, I guess that's a good idea.

But we can't tell Sam about it,

or at least until after the movie's over.

Okay, so you
didn't actually have sex?

That's the point of the gag.

I mean, what do you think?

I think it's not a bad idea.

Okay, let me just think for a second.

We'll have to rework the story a bit.

Story?

There is no story.

That's the point.

Okay, yeah, right.

Let me figure this out.

Are we okay?

Yeah, we're good.

So David and his girlfriend

are starting to give me troubles.

David's acting like a sheep,

passing off her ideas to me as his own.

And then she, for some reason,

actually likes him and wants
to be in the movie too,

which is ridiculous.

So, David, you wanted
her to be in the movie?

Let's see how you like this.

Sam, what's up?

Hey, man, is Crystal there?

No.

Okay, good. Look, I
need you to get ready

because I set up a date for you.

What?

You can't set a date for me,

that defeats the whole
purpose of the movie.

Okay.

It's funny to hear you
talk about the legitimacy

of the doc when you...

Nevermind, I don't have time
to argue with you, okay?

She's on her way.

What?

You're not filming right now, are you?

Because I would love to see the
look on your face right now.

Dude, you've got to
be kidding. Are you kidding?

I am not, no, she's on
her way, I'll be there soon.

Later.

And that's how it's done.

- Hey, man.
- What the fuck is going on?

Okay, her name's Michaela,

I found her on Craigslist, it's perfect.

You hired a hooker?

No, no, man.

She's not a hooker.

I found her in the personals section.

Oh, yeah? Did her post end
with, "Donations accepted"?

Because that's what that
means, she's a hooker.

Hey, that's mean, man.

Okay? She's sad and
lonely, blah, blah, blah.

And what?

Did you just pretend to be me?

No, man.

I pretended to be your
friend, which I am, right?

I pretended to be your friend, right?

Which I am, and I told her
you were sad and lonely

and had trouble talking
to women, which is all...

Which is bullshit.

Which is what this
is about, David, okay?

Okay, well you know what?

I'm just gonna tell her.

I'm gonna tell her,

I'm gonna tell her about all this.

You know what?

For the first time, tell
her whatever you want.

I don't care, okay?

Okay, that's her.

I'm gonna go hide.

Okay, I got it.

No, it's great.

Hey David, I see you set the table, man.

I really appreciate you being
a part of this, all right?

Hi.

Hi, I'm Michaela.

Yeah, nice to meet you, I'm...

Sam, you look just like your pictures.

And you do too, I think.

Come on in.

Sorry, the house is a mess.

I'm sure my friend told you
that I don't get out much.

Oh honey, please, no
need to play timid with me.

I know it was you I was
talking with this whole time.

Yeah, that was me just
pretending to be my pretend friend.

So, where's the camera at?

Excuse me?

He said you were making
some kind of video project.

I don't follow.

Is he hiding in the bathroom?

Come on out, sweetie.

Am I doing it all right?

Yeah, more or less.

Michaela, this is David,

he's obviously made a
brilliant meal for you.

So why don't you just sit down, enjoy,

I'm gonna go back in the bathroom.

No, why don't you stay with us?

Film us like you said you would.

Yeah, I would, I would,

but the table's only set for two.

So, I think I might just...

You know what? That's perfect.

How about I go?

And then you two can sit and talk

about taking this video project

- in a new direction.
- Uh, uh, uh.

Get your hiney back here.

Well, boys, I'm gonna go freshen up.

She's a hooker.

She's not a hooker.

Porn?

No, she just really likes you.

Dude, that is bullshit.

You got her involved about this

and you gave her a script

and she's playing some
kind of weird character.

David, I promise you, that
is not what's happening.

I promise you.

Okay, well, if your plan
is for me to sleep with her,

I am not.

As soon as she comes out the bathroom,

I'm gonna get to the
bottom of whatever this is.

Okay, that's perfect.

'Cause this whole thing is about lies.

There's just one problem.

Yeah?

She just went into your bedroom.

You, motherfucker.

There is Craigslist hooker in my bedroom

and it's all your fault.

Hey, hey, she's a
Craigslist woman, okay?

Now, get in there and get her out,

or do whatever you have to do, okay?

Look, I'm not even gonna
make you film it, okay?

Good, yeah, 'cause I won't.

All right, but David, you should.

What is wrong with you?

All right, so, I told
her that he's really shy

and he's probably going to resist.

I spent a lot of money on this,
but to be honest with you,

I really think it's gonna be worth it.

Let's get started, here.

- Hey, Sam, what's up?
- Crystal, hey!

What's up?

What are you?

Is this part of the scene?

What?

You said we were gonna do
a scene, is this part of it?

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry, I meant we're
gonna do a scene tomorrow.

It's gonna be great.

- Okay.
- It will.

Where's David?

David's out, he went out.

Not on a date, I hope.

Why are you filming this?

No, I'm not filming.

Oh my God.

Okay, Crystal.

David, what?

Dude, I am so
sorry, you are so busted.

Cynthia, Cynthia, it's your line.

You can see she has shorts on.

Oh, okay.

Yup, everyone just hold up,

I'm gonna move the blanket a little bit.

There we go, everyone's set

and I'll just come back
to here real quick.

And dude, I am so sorry,
you are so busted.

Shit.

No, David, you know what?

You want so busted?
I'll show you so busted.

I think I got the wrong sides.

Yeah, one second guys.

Hey, babe, what's going on?

We were in the middle of...

The middle of a scene, right?

So why aren't you filming?

Yeah.

I want you to film this.

It'll be behind the scenes.

Seriously.

Okay, I'm filming.

Okay, what's your problem?

You don't like this scene?

Maybe you don't like
seeing Amanda in bed with...

David, actually, I had a question.

Why is my character going through this

if he's not filming it?

Well, 'cause she's a cheating
slut and who gives a shit?

Oh, I'm the cheating slut?

I meant your character, okay?

But you know, when you bring it up,

did you two fuck the other night?

David, come on.

No, hey, Josh, answer my question.

When you went off script,
closed the blinds on me,

did you fuck?

Hey guys, I'm gonna go.

If you could just call my agent.

Yeah, hey, Amanda,

thank you so much for everything.

You did great work tonight

and I am so sorry about all of this.

You got it, bye guys.

So did you, did you have sex?

Who's my character based on?

This is not about
your character, okay?

This is about you, all right?

You and Josh, did you?

Why don't you tell me
about the real Crystal?

Wait, the real Crystal?

Is this like a character study?

You know, maybe it should
be a character study.

David, do you have any tape
of somebody demonstrating

the Crystal role?

Because she's pretty complicated

and it would be really helpful to me,

if I could just see
somebody demonstrate it,

like a life coaching session, maybe.

You bitch.

There it is.

Film this.

You're not gonna get out of
this like every other time.

It was just research.

Research?

Just like I said in the scene.

Literally like I said in the scene.

Sure, sure.

You fucked her, and then
you cast me to be her,

and then you named me after her.

And I'm guessing the only
reason we're still here

is because you actually
had to make a movie

to keep her strung along
after you fell for her.

Wait, just like the
scene with this Crystal?

Real ballsy, David.

Real fucking ballsy.

Thank you.

It's not a fucking compliment.

Oh God, I knew this was
way too close to home, dude.

This is way too close to home.

Hey, no, look, Josh,
this is not about me.

David, your main character
is named after you,

which I always thought was a little weird

and we're shooting it in your house

and apparently he does
the things that you do.

How is this not about you?

You are way more of an
asshole than I am, okay?

I told you this is just research.

That's all it is.

I'm more of an asshole than you?

Your character, you're me.

Your character, you're me.

That about covers it, yeah?

Look, this does not
get you out of the fact

of you two fucking, okay?

Did you, did you have sex?

Maybe it was just research.

Guys, I'm telling
the truth here, okay?

That's the funniest fucking thing

of this whole thing so far.

Look, look.

You know what?

So here's the truth.

Here's the truth for you,

'cause that's a great thing to
end the movie on, all right?

That's it. The end.

If you wanted to see some boobs,

you should've spent an hour watching porn

instead of watching this fucking movie.

Guys, come on, this isn't funny.

We're almost done here.

Guys!

Fuck me.

Hey, Josh, if you could
just give me a second

to explain this...

Forgot my shoes.

- Dude, we're almost done.
- I'll put them on outside.

Fuck.

David.

Oh, hey, Crystal.

- Hi
- It's very nice to meet you.

You too.

Hey, but before we sit
down, I wanna let you know,

I don't wanna seem like
a creep, or weirdo,

or a serial killer,

but the camera the camera
on the table, it is filming.

Okay. Is that for like,
quality control or something?

No, that's funny though.

I might use that.

Okay, since you're filming me,

I guess I'm gonna be filming you.

Oh yeah, that's great.

I know it's for security purposes,

but, I don't know.

How about this,

if I don't seem like as big
of a creep as you think I am,

can you just send me that footage?

One second.

It's an eye-line thing.

I'm sorry, what is this for?

So I'm doing a video project.

It's like a found footage
movie kind of thing.

Right, 'cause you did
say that you did film work,

but it's,

it's not like...

No, it's not porn.

No, it's not porn Okay.

And don't worry,

this won't even be in
the movie so you're okay.

So, what's it for?

I think the main character
is gonna film people,

so I kind of just wanna
figure out what works,

what doesn't, get the
kinks out a little bit.

So wouldn't telling me
sort of blow it a little bit?

Maybe he has to find creative ways

to let people know, you
know, and tell them.

Great.

The truth wouldn't work, right?

Because that would get boring, right?

You're kind of ruining
the movie.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. I'm impressed.

It's good.

Maybe I'll just do something else.

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

I don't wanna stop you
from doing your project.

I think it's interesting.

So I think you should film it.

Yeah. I don't know. I think it's silly.

What do you say, we just get a drink?

Yes.

- Okay.
- Yes, okay.

So yeah.

I added the actual clip of Crystal

just to bolster some of the runtime.

It's still a fuckin' disaster.

Why?

Well, I'm an hour short on
my delivery requirements

and I'm out of pocket,
a shitload of expenses.

We should have actually
shot this on cellphones.

Plus, you know what's worse than that?

Digitally removing that girl's arm.

Plus the day rates of all the actresses,

because yes, they were all union.

Including my former girlfriend, Cynthia.

We met on set a few years back,

it was a fuckin' disaster.

So there's that money, plus
the nudity riders, right?

Because yes, you're welcome.

Even though we didn't
shoot those sex scenes,

that would have really
filled some of the runtime,

I did shoot all those topless scenes.

So, if that's why you stuck around,

I'd tell you to fast forward,

but you're almost there anyway.

Just give me one second,

and let me tell you what happened, okay?

I was cheating on Crystal
was Cynthia and...

Oh, fuck.

I can't even get their
names straight anymore.

I was cheating on Cynthia, right?

And I wasn't happy with our little

fairytale lifestyle-bubble that it was,

it's all bullshit.

And I wanted to make
a film that said that.

I wanted to say how we
all had to lie to be happy

because that is true.

And I wasn't filming most of
these dates at the beginning.

Okay, yeah, I tried.

Fuck it, watch this.

Hi, I'm David.

It's good to meet you.

What is this?

Well, I know it's weird,

but I thought maybe if I recorded this,

it might make it a sweet memoriam

- kind of thing?
- Yeah, no, it's weird.

Yeah, no it's
standard procedure,

we do this with all
our social experiments.

Social experiment?

Okay, what? What do you want

- me to say?
- Excuse me, sir?

Yeah?

You can't film here without

the owner's permission, I checked.

Liz, I can explain.

Liz, if you could just
give me one second.

Wait, one second, Jenna!

Until I met Crystal,

which is where I came up
with the whole movie idea.

Which I know you saw, yeah
we put it in the movie,

which was obviously a big mistake.

That's what you get for
trying to be honest in art.

It's ironic.

I haven't seen her in ages

'cause I got involved with this movie

that I was making just to keep her around.

You wanna know what happened
to David and Crystal

after she caught him with a girl?

Do you really wanna know?

All right.

They were gonna see separate people,

they were gonna go separate
ways and do separate things.

And I was going to film it all

as their friend Sam,

just to get both sides of the
gender viewpoint, or whatever.

Right?

And then they were gonna meet again online

and it was gonna be beautiful

and we wouldn't have really
known what happened to them,

but it was gonna be very
cool and existential

and Cynthia fucked it up.

And now, I guess I really
am a movie producer.

I fucked up a movie and
I got to see some boobs.

Well, without further ado, I
guess you've earned it guys.

Here we go.

Hang on.

Oh shit, it's Crystal.

Hang on.

Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Why am I on speaker phone?

David, I swear, if you're
recording this right now,

I'm gonna be...

I'm not recording it, so
you can chill out, okay?

Thought I
was Crystal, didn't you?

No.

Okay, well,
I just called to tell you

that if you're still planning
to cut together a movie

that you better delete all of my footage

because you do not have permission

- to use that.
- Okay, Cynthia.

I will, all right?

And just so you know, it
wasn't very good anyway, okay?

I was planning on re-shooting everything

with another actress.

Excuse me?

It wasn't very good?

My character was supposed
to be a bad actress.

Yeah, the character
was supposed to be bad

when she was acting, okay?

You were bad all the time.

I mean, every time.

Oh, fuck you, David.

Hey, fuck you, Crystal.

I mean, Cynthia, whoops.

I did that on purpose.

I changed her name in my phone

so when she called, it
would say, "Crystal,"

you know, for the movie.

Oops.

Okay, fuck.

Hey.

Really?

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah I know I said the movie's over,

'cause it is, but I
figured maybe I can bolster

some of the runtime with you.

Oh, so now I do get to be in it?

I thought maybe it would

give the movie a happy ending,

just in case if things work
out, at least between us.

Things work out between us?

I'm sorry, what happened to the girlfriend

that you were cheating on?

She left me for an actor.

Well, that's predictable.

Yeah, I didn't see it coming.

But she's out of the picture.

Literally, out of the picture,

the picture being the movie.

No, yeah, I got it.

So,

can I see it?

The movie? Can I see the movie?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

They were gonna see separate people

they were gonna go separate
ways and do separate things.

And I was gonna film it
all, as their friend Sam,

just to get both sides of the
gender viewpoint, or whatever.

Right?

And then they were gonna meet again online

and it was gonna be beautiful

and we wouldn't have really
known what happened to them,

but it was gonna be very
cool and existential

and Cynthia fucked it up.

And now, I guess I really
am a movie producer.

I fucked up a movie and
I got to see some boobs.

Okay. Okay.

I have questions.

Okay.

And comments.

Okay, that's great.

Actually, that's really great.

Would you mind if we filmed them?

Okay, perfect.

Okay, go ahead.

Okay, one, it's confusing.

- No it's not.
- As shit.

It's not confusing if you just...

No, yeah it is.

I mean, your explanation
of everything that happened

is just, it makes no sense.

I think you should refilm it.

Okay.

Okay, I will.

Good.

And two, is that your
girlfriend playing me?

She's my ex-girlfriend,

and I know it sounds
up fucked up but it's...

No, yeah it's fucked up.

And why does the character
of me get to be in the movie

when she ask?

Well, I mean, you never really asked.

Yes, I did.

Well you're here now,
so, you're welcome.

I mean, thank you, right?

For being here, I really do appreciate it.

Yeah, no worries.

Okay, so, what are you gonna do now?

I don't really know.

I don't know.

I think we both know
what you want to do.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, no. Are you kidding me?

No, but that's what
this has all been about.

Crystal, it's about fixing
this lie that I told you.

I wanna make it real.

That's what this is.

If that's the real reason,

then it's still a lie.

I don't think that that
is the real reason.

I wanna make the movie, yeah.

For its own sake?

Yes.

Okay.

And for its own sake,
it needs an ending.

Right, okay,

so I think we both then
know, what you have to do.

We do?

Yeah, of course.

No, no, I'm not going
back to Josh and Cynthia.

Stop looking at me like that,

I'm not doing it.

I won't do it. I'm not doing it.

Cynthia, I'm glad to see you.

Are you filming me?

Yeah.

Why?

For the film, obviously.

Come on in.

Y'all knew I was coming over?

Obviously.

All right,
well, how? How'd you know?

Crystal told us.

Crystal? Like
the Crystal, Crystal?

No, my fictional
character, Crystal told us.

Come and have a seat.

Why don't you tell
us, David, why are you here?

I have a better question.

Why are you here?

I just told you, Crystal told us that

- you were gonna be coming.
- Are you two fucking now?

Is that what this is?

Yes, right now at this very second,

we are fucking.

His dick is so long,

it snakes down his pant leg

around this table a couple
of times and then up mine

- to fuck me.
- Wow.

That's incredible. That's great.

You know, we should put
that into the movie,

- Josh.
- No, no.

Of course we're not putting
it at the end of the movie

you fucking idiot.

Okay.

No, I'm sorry.

I am sorry.

Okay?

I wanna finish the movie.

That's it.

And it's not to prove that I was right,

or to get with Crystal,
or to ruin any weird thing

that you two have going on.

Okay? It's not even for the money.

I promise.

It's 'cause I wanna
finish what we started.

Will you help me do that, please?

We've been doing some thinking
and we agree that it sucks

that it's only halfway done.

It's less than halfway, but if...

We do have some terms.

Okay, yeah, what? Anything.

We get to rewrite the ending.

It can't be this confusing existential,

meta-mess that you were gonna make it.

Okay.

But it can't be this mushy movie crap

where everyone learns a lesson at the end.

Is that okay, please? Is that a deal?

I think that's fine.

We get final cut.

Ah, I can't give you
final cut, no, I can't.

Non-negotiable.

We do our edit as we see fit.

Okay. But you have to
meet the runtime, okay?

And it has to feel seamless,

it has to be all one continuous piece.

Is that okay? Does that make sense?

- Yes.
- Yeah, look,

if you get, shit, what's her name?

Amanda?

You get Amanda back,
we'll take care of the rest.

Fuck.

Fuck?

Why fuck?

He tried to fuck her.

You tried to fuck her, didn't you?

Okay, she has a sister that acts,

maybe she'll do it.

It, the movie or it, your dick?

The movie, Cynthia, don't be...

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

One more favor.

And this is it,

please, all this stuff,

all these clips of us breaking character

and going off-script and book or whatever,

let's just Jettison that stuff, okay?

We can't use any of that stuff.

Gladly.

Okay?

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Awesome.

Okay, what's next?

Well, we have some writing to do.

Okay, good.

All right, let's get started.

We.

Okay.

But if you need anything or...

Go, David.

What?

You said we were gonna do
a scene, is this part of it?

Oh, no, I'm so sorry.

I meant we're gonna do a scene tomorrow.

It's gonna be great.

- Okay.
- It will.

Where's David?

David's out, he went out.

Not on a date, I hope.

Why are you filming this?

No, I'm not, I'm not filming.

Oh my God.

Okay, Crystal.

David, what the hell?

Oh, man, I am so sorry.

You are so busted.

Shit, Crystal. This is
not what it looks like.

It never is with you, is it?

It looks like
you broke your promise.

Oh, it looks like you set me up.

Hey, no, I didn't
put your dick in her, man.

Neither did I.

It certainly looks like you did.

No, we still got our pants on.

See.

Then why are you lying on top of her?

You see, I was actually paid to,

we had to trick Sam into thinking.

Michaela, you lying slut.

How could you?

It's for the movie.

We were just looking at
lies and how people...

Yeah, and you're certainly
an expert, aren't you?

I need to think.

No, wait, Crystal.

Wait, Crystal, I love you.

I'm sorry.

I know David, that's
why I need to think.

What do you
even need to think about?

Well, to be honest, I lied too.

Yeah, obviously.

Sam, stay out of this.

Crystal.

Look, I didn't come
over here to do a scene

and I didn't actually
want to be in this movie.

I wanted to see how far you would go.

I wanted to see what you were doing

and whether or not it was illegal.

Oh no, no.

I was worried about that too,

but then Sam pointed out that...

Actually it is.

Wait, what the fuck do you know

about the legalities of any of this?

Guys, trust me.

Trust me, we're doing
nothing illegal here, okay?

Now you, I think you're on camera claims.

Or have to be some kind of contract,

so that's all good, right?

I'm sort of an expert.

What's that?

A person who
knows a lot about a subject.

All right, Michaela,
what are you talking about?

You see, in my line of work,

it's really important
to know the difference

between what is and isn't illegal.

Like, how the presence of a camera changes

illegal prostitution
into legal pornography.

That's literally the opposite

of what we're doing here.

Yeah but, soliciting sex from people

for the purposes of
personal financial gain.

Okay, all right.

How is that any different
than a woman going on a date

with a rich guy?

Come on, David, back me up here.

Crystal, I swear I
had no idea any of this

was gonna happen.

I only went into this to help
point out the problem of lies,

from everyone to everyone.

What are you doing, Sam?

I'm looking up the law, okay?

Well, I'm gonna go.

I've got clients who are waiting.

Call me if you need to talk.

Thank you.

Crystal, please say something.

No, I don't think I will.

Okay, yeah, I think I
know what we're gonna do.

You need to get out of my house.

No, but listen, look, I just found...

Sam, I'm upset.

You lied to me, you fucked me over.

You know what?

It's my fault too.

I, David Bush,

am a liar.

Okay.

No, just marinate on that for a second.

Okay, but we
really do need to talk soon

because this thing's all
getting really messy.

We just gotta wrap it up, okay?

Oh, fuck.

I knew he'd asked me to come back.

David, I was surprised
you'd asked me to come by.

Guess you and Crystal didn't work out?

No, actually, everything's fine.

She's the one that told me to call you.

Come on in.

Last I heard she was
building a case against us.

Seemed a little suspicious.

Maybe like it's a trap.

Sam, that's ridiculous.

Dude, just admit that you're jealous.

Okay.

Yeah, maybe I am a little jealous.

This was all my idea, this essay of lies

and the only result is
that you found some truth.

So yeah, I am a little jealous.

And she's beautiful.

Yeah, okay.

She's beautiful, right?

She's beautiful, okay?

So you wanna figure out how
to end this movie or what?

Yeah, I think we can
wrap it up nice and neat.

Honestly, it's got a
pretty solid structure,

her trying to tear us apart

while I inadvertently
get to prove my feelings.

I think that makes a statement.

A statement how sometimes,

you have to lie in order to find truth.

Well, I'm scared of the
message that might send,

we don't want chicks to
think it's okay to lie to us.

But do you think it's
okay for guys to lie

in order to get chicks?

To find truth.

But that's not what they're after.

I mean, at least that's
not what I was after.

I was just calling attention to a...

Who's that gonna be?

It's crystal.

No, dude, it's not Crystal.

Can I help you?

I sure hope so.

Are you David Bush?

No.

I'm David, I'm David Bush.

Ah, so you must be Sam.

Yeah, Sam.

Good.

I'm Ruby Robinson.

I'm representing Crystal and the others

in a class action suit.

What?

Yes, but before we seek damages,

they'd like to discuss
an emotional settlement.

The fuck?

We should listen to them.

No we shouldn't.

Yes, you should.

Well, we won't.

We will.

Crystal,

I believe you have something
to say to these two men.

The women behind me all feel

that they have been wronged by you.

And they also realized that

the most invasive part of your deception

and the most painful part of your lie,

was exposing them.

And exposing their lies
and their deceptions.

So why are they the victims
and you the guilty party?

But, that's allegedly.

Dude.

Why?

Because society has given you power.

You're in a position of authority

that's been handed down to you

from a historically chauvinistic world.

You therefore have to use honesty

and understanding for those
who have been marginalized.

So you can help them,
rather than exploit them.

Hasn't sex given you power, though?

I mean, think about it.

You have something that men desire, right?

That you can use against us

for the people that
don't measure up, right?

So we feel marginalized.

Only to the extent that you allow it.

And if you try to claim that your urges

are somehow our fault, then
you're lying to yourself.

How do you answer?

Yeah, I disagree.

Mm-hmm.

And you.

Oh,

I'm a liar.

I lie because I'm scared of
how people will perceive me.

It's ironic, really.

I lie to say and tell myself
that I'm more masculine

in order to get the affection that I need

to tell myself that I'm masculine.

All these lies do is prevent
me from achieving happiness.

Crystal, I don't wanna lie anymore.

But at some extent, that I will.

Can you accept that?

David, I wish that
I could definitely say

that I tolerate no lies.

That isn't true.

To a certain extent, I expect them,

to a certain extent, I want them,

to a certain extent, I tell
them, can I accept them?

I can accept you.

And how do you plead?

You know what's funny? Is
I'm the most honest one here.

Oh?

Well, we'll see if a jury agrees.

Expect a summons soon.

Oh, we're not pressing charges.

Why not?

Forgiveness is another
desirable trait, like honesty.

Besides, when the movie comes
out, and amidst all the lies,

the truth about Sam will be revealed

and that'll be punishment enough.

You don't have the right to produce...

Don't talk to us about rights!

We actually, technically we do.

I mean, after all.

I directed this thing.

You can't do
that, man, you can't.

Are you sure
that you don't wanna sue?

Because you said...

You're just in
this for the money, right?

Just say you're in it for the money.

I can't afford to be, can you?

That's not the end.

All right, yeah, that's
the end of their edit,

which I was nice enough to give them,

true to my word.

And clearly, it needs
some type of epilogue.

I mean, what is this shit?

All right? No more plot stuff.

I need to show you those topless shots.

Like we've been promising, okay?

And clearly it's not gonna
work in this narrative.

Did all the women just go to
like a free the nipple rally?

No, the ending that we
put together is bullshit.

And it's fucked up.

And I need to give you
like, 30 second explanation

as to why. Okay?

So just bear with me for two seconds.

I did all this planning,
all this hard work

to figure out these camera
angles and what did we get us?

It's all fucked.

I mean, who was filming
most of those shots?

Right?

And then, oh my God,
Crystal is in the movie,

the real Crystal, I mean.

And I don't mean to be
offensive when I say this,

but she doesn't even
look like a lawyer, okay?

I don't mean that in a
sexist way, but it's true.

It's so stupid.

And how did she pull a whole
confrontation as a lawyer

with the defense and the plaintiff

in the middle of the street?

I mean, this isn't a
fucking medieval duel.

Okay? It's ridiculous.

And then everyone,
everyone but my character

has some kind of moral
message that they've learned.

So how does a movie that's
trying to be truthful

in the exposing of lies,

become a lie in itself?

That I can tell you,
my friend, that's easy.

Because it is easy.

It's easy to stomach a
happy lie than a sad truth.

Look at "Memento," "Shutter
Island," "Inception," right?

"Or Pretty Woman," yeah.

You think true love is
gonna trump prostitution?

Get the fuck outta here.

That's an easy sell.

That's a cop out.

Okay?

This is it.

You want an answer?

You want a moral to the story?

There are no lies. There is no truth.

It's all fucked, okay?

It's all gray.

It came around full circle.

And it also made no fucking sense.

So that's it.

That's it, the movie's over, the end.

That is not the end.

How did you guys get in here?

You gave my character
the keys, remember?

That doesn't make sense.

You know what doesn't make sense?

You promising to give us the final edit,

yet here you are modifying the ending.

No, this isn't the end.

This is a post-script.

Certainly not in the script.

That's very clever.

Unlike that smear message thing

that you guys added, you and
Crystal, to make me look bad.

I can't
help it that your privilege

prevents you from being
able to understand it.

Hey, listen, okay...

Hey, what privilege?

I mean, I understand.

Hmm.

Look, I don't like people
to think I'm a liar, okay?

So this is what we'll do.

We'll sit everybody down, you, Crystal,

anyone else that wants to be there

and we'll watch the movie.

And we'll see if it's more
powerful with or without

the new ending.

Which one?

Exactly.

Is this on?

Okay, that's it.

We'll add some fake credits,

my friend, he's a composer, he
made this really great song.

It's not too fast, nice and soft.

It's gonna be great, I
just haven't had time

to put it in yet, so.

Well, Cynthia, I mean, you were right.

I did not understand what we just watched.

Nobody's gonna understand it.

It's too fucking meta to make any sense.

And the fact that it draws attention

to itself being meta,

that joke gets really
stale, except for like,

maybe in the last scene.

You actually need to cut
that last speech out, I think.

Jesus Christ, all right.

How the fuck do you
think you're gonna know

what an audience wants to hear?

You don't even know what you want.

We just want you to tell the truth.

Yes, like a few good men.

And cut out all of the cheesy
references from the film.

So that's what you
want? You want the truth?

Yeah.

All of you want the truth?

Yes.

Okay, you want the truth?

The truth is, if I cut out
all the lies in this movie,

there will be no movie.

How about that?

Great. No movie it is.

Okay, no movie.

David, how was that? Was that good?

That was great guys, you killed it.

Oh, thank you, man.

It's a solid fuckin' film.

Challenging, but easy to follow.

Well done.

Thank you.

Jesus, Claire, the
cameras are still rolling.

Oh, are they now.

Oh!

Does anybody
do that in real life?

Hey, what happened to the booby shots?

Are we still using those?

Wait, those were just for
the producer's cut, right?

No, no, they're in there.

I'll put them after a
placeholder for the credits.

Stop.

I just didn't
want it to be awkward

for everyone here.

Yeah, I see how this
could've been uncomfortable.

Guys, it's been great, seriously.

We have to run and go catch a show,

but it's been a lot of fun

and hopefully we can run into y'all again

when this makes it to theaters, you know,

do the red carpet treatment
and all that stuff.

Thank you so much, David

- I really appreciate it.
- Thanks guys, take care.

Bye.

Bad liar.

Let's go.

We'll walk you out.

And cut.

Okay, so what do I do?

I just show them?

Yeah, just take your robe off

and shake them around.

Do whatever you feel comfortable with.

Okay.

And robe off.

Mark it, take 9.

Mark.