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1
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# I'm not sick, but I'm not well
2
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# And I'm so hot
3
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♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪
4
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This programme contains strong
language throughout and adult humour.
5
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Hmm.
6
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You don't have one that just says,
"You are 40 years old"?
7
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:26,320
Um...we have, "Life begins at 40,"
or, "40 today."
8
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,480
No. I want one that reads...
9
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.."Jeremy, you are 40 years old."
10
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Do you need "old"?
11
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:35,720
I think it rounds it off nicely.
12
00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:38,720
'I'm gonna make Jeremy turn 40
whether he likes it or not.'
13
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,760
Do you have a fax machine?
A fax machine?
14
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I know. Wilfully perverse, but I'm
trying to get in touch with someone
15
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:47,520
who, for whatever reason,
won't return my calls.
16
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:50,600
I'm not some oddball, though.
It's not worrying.
17
00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:54,640
'Good to let him know it's not
worrying. He can't worry now.'
18
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:58,480
'I'm kidding myself.
April's never gonna call me.'
19
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,760
Wow!
Three nights on the go, that is...
20
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That's major, huh?
21
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Perfect.
22
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'So tired, so very tired.
23
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:10,160
'Must...eat...toast.'
24
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:11,720
I'll see you, Mark.
25
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:13,520
'Of course she won't call me.
26
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,960
'I made the fatal error
of letting her get to know me.'
27
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,120
Are you OK? I'm fine.
28
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:22,160
I think I might shortly die,
but I'm fine. Three-day drug binge.
29
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,680
Ooh, your favourite!
Celebration for the birthday boy?
30
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,280
You're not planning a party
or anything, are you? No, mate.
31
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Cos I definitely don't want a party.
32
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,880
Well, I'm definitely
not planning one, so relax.
33
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,800
'You're going to have a party
to remember, my elderly friend.'
34
00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:38,560
Good, because I told Joe
I'll be 39 tomorrow.
35
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,480
Why? I don't know.
36
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40 is basically 50, and 50 is dead,
whereas 39 is like 35.
37
00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:47,600
35 is practically 30, 30 is 20.
You know?
38
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Not entirely.
39
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He's 30 next year.
40
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:53,280
For a few months, theoretically,
we can be in our 30s together.
41
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,640
I think I see. 29, 40, no.
42
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,000
29, 39, OK.
43
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31, 42, no. 16, 26, better.
44
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,200
You're just saying numbers now,
Jeremy.
45
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:06,160
'Right, I'm going to have the most
horribly healthy fucking lunch
46
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,480
'and then do a sit-up
and maybe a press-up.'
47
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,600
Oh, a sprout sandwich!
Are you on a health kick?
48
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,800
I need the vitamins. Why?
49
00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:17,960
I've gotta try and keep up with Joe.
He's so fucking full of life.
50
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,760
Is this his? The Golden Fountain?
51
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No, it's mine.
It's about the beneficial properties
52
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of our body's most magnificent
product - the human vitamin drink.
53
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Piss. Urine is packed with nutrients.
54
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,120
That your body was too foolish
to extract at first time of asking.
55
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,680
Why do the Uchamojo people
live to 100, Mark?
56
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:37,320
I don't know, Jeremy,
because you just made them up?
57
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Because they take the original vaccine,
the watery battery, the mellow yellow.
58
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:44,840
Drinking your own piss - the golden
fountain. Come on, Jez, what's next?
59
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:48,160
The chocolate factory? No!
60
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,120
Not the chocolate factory.
That's horrible.
61
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'He's got the book, but he'd
never actually...ugh! Oh, God!'
62
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,200
You're not keeping it in the fridge?
Best served chilled.
63
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:59,880
I need to head to work.
I thought you were off today.
64
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:02,840
Emergency meeting,
special project or something.
65
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:04,600
Johnson seemed very jazzed.
66
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:08,640
Oh, not with a sandwich!
Not as your drink!
67
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HE SLURPS
Be quiet when you come back.
68
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,080
I'm gonna pull myself off
and sleep for 100 years.
69
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:18,680
Fine. Goodbye, Rip Van Wankle.
MARK CHUCKLES
70
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:19,960
'I'm wasted on him.
71
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:24,000
'I should be living with
Graham Norton and Dorothy Parker.'
72
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,880
Hey, Alan. What's up, captain?
What's the skinny on the dope?
73
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,640
Good morning, Mr Corrigan.
74
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:31,080
Mr...Corrigan?
75
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'Do I smell corporate lube?
76
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,360
'Am I about to get
organisationally fucked?'
77
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,280
Is that Baker from regional?
78
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,240
What...what is this, Alan?
79
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,720
I'm sorry, Mark. You've just
stepped into the arena naked.
80
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,280
In a matter of seconds, wild beasts
are gonna fly to your delicate areas
81
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,000
and tear you to shreds. Is this
about the permanent markers?
82
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:51,160
Hmm? Cos I needed them at home
for projects.
83
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,440
Ah, sorry, mate.
You're getting shit-canned, Mark.
84
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:58,080
You're getting fucked by a flagpole
in your tiny little vagina.
85
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,440
Jeff?! Yeah, I had a riffle
through my old address book.
86
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,880
I'm in and you're out. What? But...
87
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,520
Can't you do anything? I'm sorry,
Mark. You're contaminated.
88
00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:06,854
You're the astronaut with typhoid
89
00:04:06,934 --> 00:04:09,560
and I'm gonna stand well back while
you're fired out of the airlock.
90
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,160
'No, Alan.
Remember all the good times, Alan.'
91
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:15,200
So, Mr Corrigan, it has been brought
to our attention that you certified
92
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,280
a loan to a friend of yourself,
93
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:20,680
ticking the certification boxes
without adequate document checks.
94
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:23,920
This is gross negligence and
we're dismissing you forthwith.
95
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:27,960
I'm sorry, which loan was this?
Um, to a Mr Usborne, Jeremy.
96
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,920
It's come to light due to a complaint.
What complaint? Who complained?
97
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,920
Well, Mr Usborne
has been in contact to say
98
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,320
that he believes that the granting
of this loan to him
99
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:40,000
was, um, "out of proportion with
the just working of the universe".
100
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,680
He does not wish
to be responsible for another Greece
101
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,800
and he's claiming mental incapacity
due to the influence of the internet
102
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reducing his attention span
against his own will.
103
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:50,720
But I can get the money back.
I know him.
104
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,520
I can get it back. I'll jam a Biro
in his eye and drag him in here today.
105
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,040
That may be your way of operating,
Mr Corrigan,
106
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,600
but it's certainly not ours.
'Shafted by a piss addict.'
107
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,240
I've cleared out your desk, mate.
108
00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,120
Your wet wipes
and your Mega Puzzler.
109
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,840
'I'm hung out to dry,
I'm human laundry.
110
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,880
'Ugh, Jeff, Jerry and Johnson,
a trilogy of shits.'
111
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:14,600
Jeremy... Jeremy!
112
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,000
Mark! I'm trying to sleep.
113
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:20,760
I just wanted to let you know that I am
now going to punch you on the nose.
114
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,120
What? Ow! Fuck!
115
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:27,160
We don't hit. That's the rule!
Or are we hitting now?
116
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,560
'Cold brown, no job, no woman,
no jam, just cold brown.'
117
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,480
'OK, I redundered him,
he face-ploughed me,
118
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:37,040
'we're equals-pequals.'
119
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,960
Oh, not still with
the silent treatment.
120
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,920
For fuck's sake!
'I love the silent treatment.
121
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,520
'The cold, impervious wall.'
122
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,030
I didn't want you to get fired,
123
00:05:46,110 --> 00:05:48,480
I just wanted my extortionate
payments written off.
124
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,440
You were the one who sold me the
ball-crushing loan in the first place.
125
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,560
You started it. Hmm? Eh?
126
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:57,280
'He's not luring me back in like that
with a lovely, savage argument.'
127
00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:00,320
Come on, let's have it out.
'Appealing, but no dice.'
128
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,360
'Oh, this is unbearable. I'm gonna
make him come out and fight like a man,
129
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,600
'push it to breaking point.'
130
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:05,840
Can I have some of your milk?
131
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,360
'He wouldn't.
Not my lovely, white milk.'
132
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:12,400
Hmm? I'll take that as a yes.
133
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:15,800
Do say when you want me to stop.
134
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:18,080
'He's milking me.'
135
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,800
No? I'll fill it right up, then.
136
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:23,520
'He's got his hands on my udders
and he's actually milking me.'
137
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,440
I'll just get rid of these.
138
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:30,480
Oops! Apologies.
I'll just tidy these away.
139
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:36,240
'I will prevail. He can't hurt me
with his Rice Krispie blitz.
140
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,080
'London can take it.'
141
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:41,227
'What am I going to do now, cover
him in milk and start licking him?'
142
00:06:41,307 --> 00:06:41,840
DOORBELL RINGS
143
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:43,240
'I'm not going to lick him.'
144
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:45,520
PHONE CHIMES
'April!
145
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:49,160
'God love the fax
and all the old ways.'
146
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,680
I need a bit of headspace. Molly.
147
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:54,320
She's a beast, mate.
148
00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:57,640
Marmite in the marge. She's a slob.
149
00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,120
My peppermint shower gel
150
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,840
just laying on its fucking side,
oozing. What's that all about?
151
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,600
I can't live like that.
152
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,560
'He's never smelt of peppermint.'
153
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,320
Are you all right?
Yeah, fine, knackered.
154
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:11,120
Three-day bender
and then Mark got fired cos of me
155
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,400
and I couldn't sleep
cos of the guilt.
156
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,120
Yeah.
And now he's not speaking to me.
157
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,160
She piles her dirty socks
in the basket
158
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,320
even though it's already overflowing
and I'm like,
159
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,600
"What, do you think it's gonna eat 'em
like the fucking Cookie Monster, love?"
160
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:26,120
'Shush, Hans,
I'm trying to think about myself.'
161
00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:27,920
Hang on.
162
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:31,960
Mark, did you piss in my piss?
Cos this piss looks funny.
163
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:35,520
I don't mind drinking my piss
but your piss, that's over the line.
164
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:36,920
I understand.
165
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,440
Well, thanks for calling.
166
00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,280
Goodbye, April.
167
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,520
TV IS ON
Are you all right, mate?
168
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:46,280
Super Hans, will you please
inform your friend, Specimen A,
169
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:50,120
that I'm not talking to him.
Oh, mate, not now.
170
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,040
It's Molly. I'm in fucking bits.
171
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:56,080
Well, likewise. April's gone back
to her husband for good.
172
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,920
It's over. Everything's over.
173
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:02,960
I'm sorry, Mark. I'm sorry your life
is ruined and it's partly my fault.
174
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:07,120
Is there a buzzing, an irritating,
backstabbing sort of buzzing?
175
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,920
Oh, God, don't be such a wanker!
176
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:12,160
He wanted his loan written off
and, well, he succeeded.
177
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,000
Yes! Sorry.
178
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,680
But he's lost a friend
in the process.
179
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,960
Molly's Enders, I'm Corrie,
Corrie till I die.
180
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,960
It's a sign, innit?
You've gotta choose.
181
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,000
You can't be City and United, can
you? Look, Hans, can you shut up?
182
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:25,120
Because, as we speak,
183
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,240
the love of my life is buying
cruise tickets with her husband
184
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,600
on the high street with the intention
of sailing away for ever
185
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,480
and I'd very much like to sit here
186
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:36,320
and watch a property-based
reality show while she does it.
187
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:39,880
Look, mate, I can't just let you sit
there feeling sorry for yourself.
188
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,440
Let's bloody well go and stop her.
189
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,120
If I wanted to stop her,
the last person I'd ask for help
190
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:47,600
is the most thoughtless, selfish,
venal idiot I've ever met in my life.
191
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,680
'He's talking to me! I win!'
192
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,960
Mark, I am going to help you
save the day with April.
193
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,520
I am going to be your love butler.
194
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:58,560
Come on, let's at least go and spy in
case there's something to be done, yeah?
195
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:02,960
'Hmm. I suppose it might be better
than having a cry and a Cornetto.'
196
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,080
I haven't forgiven you, by the way.
197
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,360
I know, you don't have to tell me
after every sentence.
198
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:09,960
I just wanted to be clear.
It is clear.
199
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,560
Good.
You just need to be ready, Mark,
200
00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,120
ready to get April on her own
and tell her how you feel.
201
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:18,160
Yeah, love's hard, mate, fucking
hard, doesn't work, breaks.
202
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,640
But you've got to give it a go, huh?
203
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,440
Norwich are never gonna
win the league,
204
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,880
but they still turn up every week,
don't they, the pricks?
205
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:29,920
If you want, I could try and get in
there, waggle the old cock about a bit.
206
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:31,600
As in? I don't know,
207
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:35,400
maybe try and make Angus fall in
love with me, fuck him if need be.
208
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:38,480
Why does every solution you come up
with involve fucking someone?
209
00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,080
It's just an idea. Do you think they
sit around in the Cabinet,
210
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,520
talking about sending Philip Hammond
211
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:46,760
over to fuck Hollande
to sort out the euro?
212
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,880
Oi, Godley & Creme,
they're on the move.
213
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,480
Ooh!
Body language doesn't look great.
214
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,360
It does look a little testy.
215
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:54,960
Yes... He's off.
216
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,254
Closing time in the
last chance saloon, Mark,
217
00:09:57,334 --> 00:09:59,000
time to grab your nuts and splurge.
218
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:00,240
Yeah? Yeah.
219
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:03,280
Oh, fuck! I'm gonna do something.
Be the canary.
220
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,880
Full fucking Delia.
I don't know what you mean.
221
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:06,960
You go, girl.
222
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,840
This still doesn't mean
I've forgiven you.
223
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,960
Ahh! He's so fucked.
224
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,360
April!
225
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,520
Mark? What are you doing here?
226
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,120
I-I just bumped into you.
227
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,280
Well, no, you just ran round
the corner after me.
228
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,800
No, right, I mean, I just...
229
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:26,480
Look, could we grab a coffee
for five minutes?
230
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:30,520
I've got a couple of things
I need to say.
231
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:34,640
'Got the coffee, disregard the price,
the price of the coffee is irrelevant.'
232
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:38,080
Thanks, Mark. No biggie. I mean, God
knows how they can charge so much.
233
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,240
They're certainly not spending it
on lampshades.
234
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,600
'Hello, Dad, you're living
inside me now, are you?'
235
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,120
Yeah, so the flight's at midnight.
236
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:48,160
To Athens. Um, the ferry leaves
tomorrow, all the islands except Corfu.
237
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,600
Oh, not Corfu, why not Corfu?
238
00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:52,280
'He asked innocently.'
239
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:54,120
Cos that's where Angus
had his affair.
240
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,120
Oh, of course, sorry, I'd forgotten.
241
00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:59,640
Sorry to drag all that up again,
all the resentment.
242
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:02,200
Sorry. Idiot! It's fine.
243
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,200
Anyway, what I wanted to say,
just before you go,
244
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:09,240
and if you want me to stop,
just say, but...
245
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,040
Yeah, I...
246
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:15,080
I basically think that you're just
so funny and clever and brilliant
247
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:21,240
and I really am sorry
if that makes things difficult,
248
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:22,523
but I think it's only fair
249
00:11:22,603 --> 00:11:25,280
that you should know that
I think we'd be great together.
250
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:29,760
I mean, I know I'm not perfect.
251
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,960
In fact,
I'm not even probably average.
252
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,680
I'm a misshapen potato, an oddball.
253
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,200
'Feel free to disagree, April.'
254
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:42,200
I'm mean-spirited and I only really like
hearing about other people's holidays
255
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:46,240
when they've been disastrous,
but I...
256
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,600
..I really, really like you.
257
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:53,640
In fact, in all honesty, I...
258
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,800
..I love you.
259
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:59,840
Look, it was really weird
the last time we saw each other -
260
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,440
you burying your wife
in a pit of balls.
261
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:07,480
Ex-wife, and more hiding
than burying, but point taken.
262
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:11,040
The truth is I...
I do have feelings...
263
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,280
'Feelings!'
264
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,080
..and it's not all been easy
with Angus.
265
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,040
Just had a mini row because he
didn't want to spend an extra £300
266
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:18,520
on a cabin with a porthole.
267
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:21,240
If you're gonna be on a boat for
three months, you want a porthole.
268
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,400
Course you do. Huh! Who wouldn't?
PHONE CHIMES
269
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:27,440
'300 quid pissed straight out
the porthole. Correct call, Angus.'
270
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:29,960
Wow!
271
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,080
OK, wow.
272
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,080
What? It's Angus,
he's been having a think,
273
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,320
and he's not sure
we should go on this cruise.
274
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,440
Oh. Oh, right.
275
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,480
'Furrow the brow, furrow the brow
to hide the smile.'
276
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,000
Apparently,
now he wants to go to Ibiza...
277
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,200
alone.
278
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:47,240
'Alone?'
279
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,120
"See you. Do what the fuck you want.
Goodbye."
280
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:51,160
'I've won.
281
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:55,200
'It's like I'm Napoleon invading Moscow
and the tsar's fucked off to Ibiza!
282
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:59,000
'I've conquered the whole of Russia.
I've only gone and won.'
283
00:12:59,060 --> 00:13:01,980
Mark, how's it going,
you lovely rotter?
284
00:13:02,020 --> 00:13:04,060
Everything's coming up roses.
285
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:07,180
April and I just had an overpriced
coffee and did it in the toilets.
286
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,260
Excellent.
April loves doing it in toilets.
287
00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:12,300
In fact, 100% of the times we've done
it, we've done it in toilets.
288
00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:15,340
I can't wait to do it in a bed.
It'll be amazing.
289
00:13:15,380 --> 00:13:19,380
But the big news is that Angus texted
to say that he's fucked off to Ibiza,
290
00:13:19,660 --> 00:13:21,190
of all places, leaving the coast
291
00:13:21,270 --> 00:13:23,660
clear for me to go off
with his wife on the cruise.
292
00:13:24,620 --> 00:13:26,140
Me and April, April and me!
293
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:30,180
Man, that is so great. I am really
happy for you. You deserve that.
294
00:13:30,580 --> 00:13:31,780
Look, I just wanted to say,
295
00:13:31,820 --> 00:13:34,220
I-I know things have been
a bit difficult between us
296
00:13:34,260 --> 00:13:37,380
over the last day or so, what with
the punching and the blanking,
297
00:13:37,420 --> 00:13:39,500
but you're a good friend,
298
00:13:39,540 --> 00:13:43,140
although I still haven't
totally forgiven you...mate.
299
00:13:43,180 --> 00:13:45,780
I wouldn't have expected you
to...mate.
300
00:13:45,820 --> 00:13:47,660
Ergh-ergh!
301
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,100
Urgh!
MAN GROANS
302
00:13:49,140 --> 00:13:51,100
HANS: Shut the fuck up.
303
00:13:51,140 --> 00:13:53,540
What was that?
I've done something brilliant, Mark.
304
00:13:53,580 --> 00:13:55,660
MAN: Help!
HANS: Shut it.
305
00:13:55,700 --> 00:13:58,260
What the fuck have you done?
I know it's my birthday, not yours,
306
00:13:58,300 --> 00:14:01,860
but I got you a lovely present to say
sorry for making you lose your job
307
00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:03,460
and never paying you any rent
308
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:06,300
and for falling in love with Dobby,
for everything.
309
00:14:06,340 --> 00:14:07,780
Fuck!
310
00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:10,380
Angus! Jesus, Angus, are you OK?
311
00:14:10,420 --> 00:14:13,260
It's fine, I wanted to come.
312
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:17,300
Could I possibly get
a glass of water?
313
00:14:17,620 --> 00:14:21,460
They said they were gonna chop my penis
off and put it into another orifice.
314
00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:22,980
Oh, Angus, shush!
315
00:14:23,020 --> 00:14:26,620
Bants, mad bants. They said they had
a sock with a rock in it.
316
00:14:26,660 --> 00:14:29,020
They made me drink urine, Mark.
Human urine.
317
00:14:29,060 --> 00:14:31,340
He greedily gulped
from a bedside bottle
318
00:14:31,380 --> 00:14:33,420
that happened to be
from the golden source.
319
00:14:33,460 --> 00:14:35,740
Let me go, Mark.
Will you let me go? Please!
320
00:14:35,780 --> 00:14:38,820
Angus, you...you must know
I had nothing to do with this.
321
00:14:38,860 --> 00:14:42,660
There you go, you naughty monkey.
Drink it nicely this time.
322
00:14:42,700 --> 00:14:45,700
Not gulpy.
323
00:14:45,740 --> 00:14:47,100
Did you send the text?
324
00:14:47,140 --> 00:14:50,820
Yes. I was worried Ibiza was too
much. Was it too much?
325
00:14:50,860 --> 00:14:53,220
What the fuck have you done, Jeremy?
I've done a good one.
326
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,020
I've cleared the coast,
the coast is clear.
327
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:57,100
The coast is not clear.
We're all going to prison.
328
00:14:57,140 --> 00:15:00,260
You've gone totally loopy.
You kidnapped Angus.
329
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:03,700
Or did I invite an unstable oddball
for a lift in Hans's van
330
00:15:03,740 --> 00:15:05,420
then back to here for a snifter,
331
00:15:05,460 --> 00:15:08,140
then he accidentally got locked in
my room for a few hours?
332
00:15:08,180 --> 00:15:09,780
It's our word against his.
333
00:15:09,820 --> 00:15:12,100
This is bad.
334
00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:13,540
This is really bad.
335
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:16,380
This is brilliant and it totally
worked. You're back with April.
336
00:15:16,420 --> 00:15:17,980
Yes, until she finds out.
337
00:15:18,020 --> 00:15:21,300
I mean, what's the long-term plan?
The long-term plan is sucky-fucky.
338
00:15:21,340 --> 00:15:23,380
Sucky-fucky is not a long-term plan.
339
00:15:23,420 --> 00:15:25,900
Look, how long's the cruise for?
Months.
340
00:15:25,940 --> 00:15:28,660
Chuck her phone off the boat
first day, butterfingers,
341
00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:31,660
then work on her, cement things.
You're in pole position.
342
00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:33,020
Hmm.
343
00:15:33,060 --> 00:15:35,060
She does hate her phone. Exactly.
344
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:39,060
I-I think we let him go
and I take the hit. No, Mark.
345
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:43,100
Sail off into the sunset and let your
love butler take care of business.
346
00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:45,980
Agh! Fuck it!
347
00:15:46,020 --> 00:15:48,140
All right.
Leave him in there for now.
348
00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:50,900
Correct decision.
There's always a dark side of love.
349
00:15:50,940 --> 00:15:53,380
Someone's always gonna get
a little bit kidnapped.
350
00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:56,140
HE SIGHS,
DOORBELL RINGS
351
00:15:56,180 --> 00:15:58,420
Who's that? Oh, er...
352
00:15:58,460 --> 00:15:59,620
Surprise.
353
00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:03,660
Oh, for fuck's sake, Mark, I told you
I didn't want a fucking surprise party!
354
00:16:04,060 --> 00:16:06,140
I thought you were just hiding
your true feelings.
355
00:16:06,180 --> 00:16:08,140
When have I ever hidden
my true feelings?
356
00:16:08,180 --> 00:16:09,980
ANGUS GROANS
357
00:16:10,020 --> 00:16:13,300
History man's getting a bit wriggly,
I think he needs restringing.
358
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,020
Give him a poke.
359
00:16:15,060 --> 00:16:17,460
I'm not giving him a poke.
I'm not a fucking hired goon.
360
00:16:17,500 --> 00:16:18,740
Who's on shift? Mark?
361
00:16:18,780 --> 00:16:21,140
I'm not doing a shift.
This is insane.
362
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:22,780
Relax. Everything's gonna be fine.
363
00:16:22,820 --> 00:16:25,540
You're the British people,
we're Blair and Bush.
364
00:16:25,580 --> 00:16:28,060
We'll do the rendition.
You just have a glass of wine
365
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:30,340
and pretend nothing's happening.
DOORBELL RINGS
366
00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:33,580
Right, gag him, Hans.
ANGUS GROANS: No, no!
367
00:16:33,620 --> 00:16:34,660
April!
368
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:36,340
'Tell her we're leaving.'
Hi, Mark.
369
00:16:36,380 --> 00:16:37,380
How the hell are you?
370
00:16:37,420 --> 00:16:40,300
'Oh, God, she's coming in. Just act
normal. Don't arouse suspicion.'
371
00:16:40,340 --> 00:16:42,500
Oh, shall I do the do
with the party stuff?
372
00:16:42,540 --> 00:16:43,540
Oh, er, yeah.
373
00:16:43,580 --> 00:16:44,740
'Don't open the door.'
374
00:16:44,780 --> 00:16:45,780
Hi. Hi.
375
00:16:45,820 --> 00:16:48,620
'She didn't see, she didn't see.
Calm down, Mark.'
376
00:16:48,660 --> 00:16:51,540
The kangaroo is tied down, sport.
377
00:16:51,580 --> 00:16:54,140
'He's not a kangaroo,
he's an eminent theologian.'
378
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,020
Hello, Jeremy. Surprise.
379
00:16:56,060 --> 00:17:00,060
Come on in. Thanks for coming,
but put that in the fridge if you want.
380
00:17:00,140 --> 00:17:02,500
Why did you invite her? She
hates me.
381
00:17:02,540 --> 00:17:05,340
I stole her boyfriend. Sorry, but
when I was doing the invites,
382
00:17:05,380 --> 00:17:08,620
it became clear that you've betrayed
everyone you've ever been close to.
383
00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:11,940
I think that's why
the majority declined.
384
00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:13,500
Hi, Jeremy. Oh, hi, Molly.
385
00:17:13,540 --> 00:17:14,860
Happy birthday...
386
00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:17,500
I guess is what you're meant to say.
387
00:17:17,540 --> 00:17:18,780
Go on through.
388
00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:21,220
I wouldn't say we were
scraping the barrel,
389
00:17:21,260 --> 00:17:23,700
but, well, you've just not been great
at keeping in touch.
390
00:17:23,740 --> 00:17:25,060
Hey, Jez.
391
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:26,700
Look tired.
392
00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:30,740
Yeah, well, I'm definitely not.
So...I got you a present.
393
00:17:31,740 --> 00:17:33,820
Tickets? It's your dream trip.
394
00:17:33,860 --> 00:17:37,700
We leave after the party, dance till
dawn, party bus to Derby, night out,
395
00:17:37,740 --> 00:17:40,469
fly to Belfast, rave, get on
the party boat to Bristol
396
00:17:40,549 --> 00:17:41,740
- yes, it really exists -
397
00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:43,580
we stay up for a week.
398
00:17:43,620 --> 00:17:47,620
Stay up for a week? Oh, right,
so, what, no sleeping at all?
399
00:17:48,580 --> 00:17:50,483
Oh, we'll have naughties
to keep us going,
400
00:17:50,563 --> 00:17:51,980
but we can sleep when we're dead.
401
00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:53,940
'Which will be within a week.'
402
00:17:53,980 --> 00:17:56,020
OK, come in, everyone.
403
00:17:56,060 --> 00:17:58,260
Happy birthday, Jeremy.
404
00:17:58,300 --> 00:17:59,300
39 today.
405
00:17:59,340 --> 00:18:00,900
'Second year in a row.'
406
00:18:00,940 --> 00:18:04,940
Here's to Jeremy
and three amazing months on the Med.
407
00:18:07,340 --> 00:18:09,820
'Oh, shit! Filibuster. Don't turn.'
408
00:18:09,860 --> 00:18:11,380
HE CHUCKLES
Great.
409
00:18:11,420 --> 00:18:15,420
Yeah, I tell you what I would like
to do for Jeremy is...is filibuster.
410
00:18:17,780 --> 00:18:19,140
I mean, a speech.
411
00:18:19,180 --> 00:18:20,180
Oh, OK.
412
00:18:20,220 --> 00:18:22,260
'Ugh! Now I've got to make
a fucking speech.'
413
00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:24,900
You're 40 today? Yep, apparently.
414
00:18:24,940 --> 00:18:28,140
That's what the banner says.
But you said you were 38 turning 39.
415
00:18:28,180 --> 00:18:32,180
Did I? Yeah, maybe, I forget.
Yeah, 38, 39, 40, in that area.
416
00:18:33,260 --> 00:18:37,260
You definitely said
you were turning 39, the big 3-9.
417
00:18:37,940 --> 00:18:39,340
It's not a big deal, whatever.
418
00:18:39,380 --> 00:18:40,540
So why lie?
419
00:18:40,580 --> 00:18:42,980
I didn't, I just misspoke.
420
00:18:43,020 --> 00:18:44,300
It's fine, it's just...
421
00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:46,260
It's weird
that you wouldn't think it's fine.
422
00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:49,260
Look, Joe, I'm sorry,
but the truth is I'm 40
423
00:18:49,300 --> 00:18:51,420
and I don't want to go raving
for a week.
424
00:18:51,460 --> 00:18:54,620
I want to stay up till about one
and then go to bed
425
00:18:54,660 --> 00:18:57,140
and listen to my Mr Nice audiobook.
426
00:18:57,180 --> 00:18:59,140
Bed at one.
One isn't even the night.
427
00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:03,180
It is, Joe. Look, I can't rave
all day and fuck all night,
428
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:06,380
and, honestly, I don't even like
drinking my own piss.
429
00:19:06,420 --> 00:19:08,500
You drink your own piss?
Yes, I eat cashews
430
00:19:08,540 --> 00:19:11,020
and I drink my own piss
and it doesn't work.
431
00:19:11,060 --> 00:19:14,900
I'm never gonna be young, dumb and full
of come ever again and that's that.
432
00:19:14,940 --> 00:19:16,500
Fine. I get it.
433
00:19:16,540 --> 00:19:20,540
I want to come with you,
but I'm just scared I might die.
434
00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:23,700
Maybe I'll ask Megan
if she wants to come instead.
435
00:19:23,740 --> 00:19:26,180
Joe... Don't go, Joe.
436
00:19:26,220 --> 00:19:28,860
'Oh, I've driven him away
with my horrible oldness.
437
00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:32,900
'Yeah, Megan, you're 29 now,
but one day you'll be, like, 56.'
438
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:35,940
Speech!
ALL: Speech!
439
00:19:35,980 --> 00:19:38,980
Come on, Mark, you start. Yeah.
440
00:19:39,020 --> 00:19:41,620
'Here goes.
Quick speech and then cruise.'
441
00:19:41,660 --> 00:19:45,660
Jeremy. What can I say?
A man I know very well indeed.
442
00:19:46,820 --> 00:19:50,820
'That's probably as far as I can
truthfully go on the endearment stakes.'
443
00:19:51,460 --> 00:19:55,460
Um... He's...he's not a great man,
he's not a wise man,
444
00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:58,500
he's not always a good man.
445
00:19:58,540 --> 00:20:00,340
'OK, where am I going?'
446
00:20:00,380 --> 00:20:02,260
But he is a...
447
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:04,860
a nice man...
448
00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:07,180
..up to a point...
449
00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:09,820
and I...
450
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,460
like him.
451
00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:14,980
There, I've said it, hope he's happy.
GUESTS APPLAUD
452
00:20:15,020 --> 00:20:16,300
APRIL: Speech, Jez.
453
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:17,740
ALL: Speech! Speech!
454
00:20:17,780 --> 00:20:21,780
Um, thanks, Mark.
We're, er, quite a gang, obviously,
455
00:20:22,660 --> 00:20:25,500
us two - brains and the funny one,
456
00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:29,540
the old, stick-up-his-arse,
boring-jumper one
457
00:20:30,820 --> 00:20:34,780
and the sexy, pep-up-the-party,
acid-in-the-punchbowl one.
458
00:20:34,820 --> 00:20:36,780
'He loves triggering mental illness.'
459
00:20:36,820 --> 00:20:40,820
But we get on pretty well and we have
our ups and downs, like any couple.
460
00:20:41,380 --> 00:20:45,260
'Hold on. If Hans is here,
who's with the hostage?
461
00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:48,580
'Oh, God, I've got
an unattended hostage.'
462
00:20:48,620 --> 00:20:52,620
..And, er, a boring bastard sometimes,
but at the end of the day,
463
00:20:52,980 --> 00:20:56,860
we've lived together for shit long
and it's been...
464
00:20:56,900 --> 00:20:57,900
all right.
465
00:20:57,940 --> 00:21:00,020
APPLAUSE
'Oh, fuck!
466
00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:03,300
'Got to keep the attention.'
467
00:21:03,340 --> 00:21:07,340
Er, yeah, and if I could just say
one more thing, um, Jeremy, Jez, er,
468
00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:15,300
please always...keep on...being you.
469
00:21:16,180 --> 00:21:18,260
'Totally meaningless.
I'm gonna get rumbled.'
470
00:21:18,300 --> 00:21:21,940
'That is sweet. That might be
the nicest thing he's ever said.'
471
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:25,620
Oi, April! Angus?
472
00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:29,660
'Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!'
473
00:21:29,900 --> 00:21:31,100
Mark?
474
00:21:31,140 --> 00:21:33,900
Help, don't let them kill me.
Oh, Angus, don't be a big silly.
475
00:21:33,940 --> 00:21:35,860
HANS: We were just hanging out.
It's all fine.
476
00:21:35,900 --> 00:21:38,780
ANGUS: He said he was going to cut my
willy off and put it into my bottom.
477
00:21:38,820 --> 00:21:42,820
HANS: Jokey, I said it jokey, Angus,
you've got to admit that, right?
478
00:21:42,860 --> 00:21:45,300
Simon? What's going on, Mark?
479
00:21:45,340 --> 00:21:49,340
This has nothing to do with Mark or
Hans. It's all my doing.
480
00:21:49,420 --> 00:21:50,540
It's all your doing?
481
00:21:50,580 --> 00:21:54,580
Angus wanted stuff done to him, I wasn't
into it, it's all pretty disgusting,
482
00:21:55,540 --> 00:21:58,820
I don't wanna go into details,
but it's complicated.
483
00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:01,660
We'll probably never fully
understand, like Stonehenge.
484
00:22:01,700 --> 00:22:05,700
Mark knew. Mark saw it all. They got
me outside the travel agency.
485
00:22:07,860 --> 00:22:10,100
Molly. For fuck's sake!
486
00:22:10,140 --> 00:22:13,380
'Who could have possibly predicted
that falsely imprisoning a love rival
487
00:22:13,420 --> 00:22:16,620
'would turn out so badly?
Only a genius.'
488
00:22:16,660 --> 00:22:18,020
April, don't go.
489
00:22:18,060 --> 00:22:22,060
'A real night to remember,
like the Titanic.'
490
00:22:23,140 --> 00:22:25,540
Right, well, it's over with Molly.
491
00:22:25,580 --> 00:22:28,740
Apparently I'm not even allowed to
do a little fucking naughty kidnap,
492
00:22:28,780 --> 00:22:31,300
so bollocks to it.
493
00:22:31,340 --> 00:22:35,300
I'm going to van it to Macedonia,
finally set up the moped rental.
494
00:22:35,340 --> 00:22:37,980
Yeah? Yeah.
495
00:22:38,020 --> 00:22:39,820
Laters.
496
00:22:39,860 --> 00:22:43,860
See you.
497
00:22:44,140 --> 00:22:45,660
Are we gonna be all right?
498
00:22:45,700 --> 00:22:47,587
TV: 'The project
to reintroduce wolves
499
00:22:47,667 --> 00:22:49,700
into this habitat
has been controversial...'
500
00:22:49,860 --> 00:22:53,180
'That's the last thing I need.'
501
00:22:53,220 --> 00:22:55,260
Now they're bringing back wolves.
502
00:22:55,300 --> 00:22:59,300
Oh, God, I am so tired. What next?
503
00:22:59,660 --> 00:23:03,660
Bring back smallpox? We all had fun
with the smallpox, didn't we?
504
00:23:04,460 --> 00:23:08,100
Is it time smallpox had a reboot?
Mark?
505
00:23:08,140 --> 00:23:11,940
Will you pull me off? I'm not
about to pull you off, Jeremy.
506
00:23:11,980 --> 00:23:15,540
And if you think about it,
I'm sure you don't really want me to.
507
00:23:15,580 --> 00:23:17,060
Sure. Whatever.
508
00:23:17,100 --> 00:23:18,980
I just thought it might be
comforting.
509
00:23:19,020 --> 00:23:23,020
What about I read to you
from Napoleon's correspondence?
510
00:23:23,980 --> 00:23:25,900
If I was going to kill you,
511
00:23:25,940 --> 00:23:28,020
I'd have a great sign-off. Yeah?
512
00:23:28,060 --> 00:23:32,060
You always loved history, Mark,
well, now you can be part of it.
513
00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:34,180
Bang!
514
00:23:34,220 --> 00:23:38,100
Yeah, not bad, not bad at all.
515
00:23:38,140 --> 00:23:42,140
I think I'd just come at you in
the night, pillow on the face, cark!
516
00:23:42,500 --> 00:23:44,620
Yeah, that's you all over.
517
00:23:44,660 --> 00:23:46,820
Aw, we do love each other really.
518
00:23:46,860 --> 00:23:49,060
'I simply must get rid of him.'
519
00:23:49,100 --> 00:23:53,100
WOLVES HOWL
42397
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