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[rock music playing]
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[audience cheering]
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Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
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[Jim Jefferies] Thank you.
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Oh, my God.
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Sit down.
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[audience continues cheering]
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All right.
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Get down, get down.
We got jokes to tell. Come on.
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[chuckles]
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All right, let's start this shit.
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Bill Cosby.
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[audience laughing]
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Now, I don't know if you
get all the news here in Nashville...
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but I may say something
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that's very upsetting to many of you.
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It turns out that Bill Cosby is a rapist.
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[audience laughing]
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I know. I always used to watch him
on the telly as a kid,
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and I always used to think to myself...
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"Ah, I bet he doesn't rape." But...
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[audience laughing]
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I've been wrong before
and I'll be wrong again,
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'cause it turns out
that his favorite thing is rape.
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He fucking loves raping people.
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Now, think about your favorite thing.
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You might be into sports, gardening, golf.
I don't know what the fuck you're into.
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Now think about it. Now replace it...
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with rape.
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[audience laughing]
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And that's how Bill Cosby feels
all day, every day.
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Now, I did this routine in Australia,
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and they wrote a horrible review
of the show.
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And I hate that people forget
that I'm a comedian and that I'm joking.
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But I have to do
this little public service announcement
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before I do this routine.
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[breathes deeply]
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I believe, in many ways, rape is wrong.
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[audience laughing]
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I believe, when possible,
you should always avoid raping people.
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If you leave the show this evening,
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and you're thinking
about raping someone,
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Jim Jefferies says no.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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But Bill Cosby wouldn't listen to me,
would he? Fuck!
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'Cause he fucking loves raping.
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Sixty women have come forward.
Sixty women.
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It's a big number, isn't it? Sixty.
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Actually, a little bit too big.
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The real number is 52.
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But I can say what I want up here,
so I just rounded it up to 60.
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Who gives a fuck, right?
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Plus, I'm of the opinion,
after you rape 20, same prison time,
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keep raping, I say.
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So...
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Seventy women have come forward,
all right?
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What happened is,
your Whoopi Goldbergs of this world,
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when the accusations first came out,
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they were like, "Oh, I don't know
if I believe all these women.
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They're trying to ruin his legacy,
or some bullshit like that."
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'Cause these rapes happened
in the '70s and the '80s, and they said,
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"What took these women
so long to come forward?"
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It's a good question.
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I think it's because,
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as rapes go...
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they weren't the worst rapes,
now, were they?
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He never held them down
and fucking raped them.
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He used to drug them
and finger them a bit.
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And I've had
worse Christmases with uncles.
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What I'm trying to say is this.
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If I was ever going to be raped,
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I'd like to be raped by Bill Cosby.
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[audience laughing]
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'Cause I've been such a big fan of his
for so many years,
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it would just be wonderful to meet him.
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How else would I get to meet him,
you know?
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Of course, you know,
we're in the same business.
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Comedy.
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[audience laughing]
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So anyway,
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he'd drug the girls' drinks
and they'd pass out.
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Now, I don't know
the plight of the attractive female.
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I don't know the hell they go through
on a daily basis.
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But I do know this.
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If someone drugged my drink,
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I would take it as a compliment.
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I'd be in the bar going,
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"I'm getting sleepy.
Who likes me? Who is it?"
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So he drugs the drink, and then
you pass out for about four hours,
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then you wake up and you're like,
"What the fuck happened?"
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And the first thing you would see
is that hysterical face of his.
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And he'd have a couple of fingers in you.
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And he'd be going...
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[imitating Bill Cosby]
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"With the fingering, and the drugging,
and the raping and the fingering."
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Tell me your first reaction
wouldn't be laughter.
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You'd be driving home
before the fingering upset you.
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You'd be in your car going,
"Bill Cosby! That was really something!
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No, he shouldn't have fingered me.
That was wrong."
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Now...
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I did that comedy routine, which is...
I was joking just then.
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I did that in Australia,
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and they wrote a very nasty article
about me with the headline,
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"You Cannot Joke About Rape."
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- [grunts]
- [audience laughing]
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Turns out you can.
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I just fucking did it.
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And I think we can all agree
that I nailed it.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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You can joke about anything.
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A joke doesn't mean intent.
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It doesn't mean you've actually done it.
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What this lady did was
she wrote an article about me,
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and she did a transcript
of the actual routine in the article,
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wrote down every word I said.
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Now, I hate this.
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And I'll tell you why.
Because my whole skill in life
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is being able to say horrible things
and still seem likable.
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[audience laughing]
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You take the whole... [grunts] out of it.
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See, if you read my material...
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it's a bad read.
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[audience laughing]
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If you just read,
"As rapes go, they weren't..."
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"Oh, my God!"
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See, then she started to write
and say things like,
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"It is Jim Jefferies' opinion
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that women should be happy
when they're drugged." Not my opinion.
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It was a joke I said, not my opinion.
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Not something that I think,
something that I think is funny.
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There is a big fucking difference
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between things that I think
and things that I think are funny to say.
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If you wanna know,
my actual opinion is this.
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I don't wanna be raped by Bill Cosby.
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[audience laughing]
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He's a horrible fucking man
and should go to prison.
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That's what my real opinion is.
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But if I came out and said that,
you'd go, "Oh, Jim's lost his edge."
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[audience laughing]
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See, people started protesting
in front of the show,
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and people stopped showing up.
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Even though the shows were sold out
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because I was being deemed
a rapist or something. Yeah, okay.
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You know who never had someone protest
their gigs because of their material?
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Bill Cosby!
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'Cause you gotta give it to Bill.
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What a dignified man.
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He never said the swear words.
He never lowered himself...
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to my level.
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What a class act he is.
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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'Cause that's why
people went to see Bill Cosby,
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'cause they wanted to see
a good, clean, wholesome comedian...
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who rapes...
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rather than a person like myself, who is
just going to say horrible things...
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and rapes very occasionally,
like, hardly...
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I also got backlash
for my last special, BARE,
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which is also on Netflix.
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[stutters] I did a lot
of misogynistic jokes on that special.
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I'm not gonna hide behind it.
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I said a lot of misogynistic things
on BARE,
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and I got a lot of complaint letters.
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And, look, I find it weird because...
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BARE was my fifth special,
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and I feel like I've been misogynistic
on all my specials...
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and I haven't gotten a complaint letter
till now.
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It just proves that, with women,
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you really have to fucking repeat yourself
before they'll listen.
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[audience applauding]
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I...
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I'll defend a misogynistic joke
as I defended the rape joke,
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as I'll defend any jokes.
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It's... I'm joking.
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This is a performance. I'm an entertainer.
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This isn't a TED Talk.
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You're not meant to take
any of this fucking seriously.
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The only time the hate mail bothers me...
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is when it's directed at my girlfriend
or they write to her directly,
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the mother of my child.
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People will write to her
on Twitter or whatever,
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and say, "You have no self-respect
going out with Jim Jefferies."
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And I hate that.
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'Cause she knows that.
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She...
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She doesn't need you people bothering her.
She has fucking chores to do.
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Now...
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[audience laughing]
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I got my girlfriend pregnant
after knowing her for six weeks.
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I feel... Yeah, no,
it's not good, six weeks.
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I think she wants to get married,
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and the reason I think that
is 'cause she says that a lot.
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And I don't want to get married.
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00:10:41,229 --> 00:10:44,065
Everyone in my life
is pressuring me into getting married.
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00:10:44,149 --> 00:10:45,775
I hate when my mother
rings me up and goes,
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00:10:45,859 --> 00:10:49,112
"Why don't you marry the girl?
You have a child with her."
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And I'm like, "Yeah, I've got a kid.
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An 18-year commitment.
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00:10:53,658 --> 00:10:56,536
I've signed onto that
like a bad fucking phone contract."
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I'm a great dad.
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I got 15 years left, then I'm fucking off.
201
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But marriage is until death.
202
00:11:07,172 --> 00:11:08,965
It's a shit contract.
203
00:11:11,676 --> 00:11:15,889
Hundred years ago, the life expectancy
of an American was 52.
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00:11:15,972 --> 00:11:18,141
Now it's 83.
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Fuck that!
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00:11:19,642 --> 00:11:21,603
[audience laughing]
207
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I've got a life to live!
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00:11:24,355 --> 00:11:27,901
If I was gonna die at 52,
sure, let's have some company.
209
00:11:29,444 --> 00:11:31,362
I would have got married in the Dark Ages,
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when 50% of women died during childbirth.
211
00:11:33,573 --> 00:11:36,534
I would have rolled the dice
on that bad boy.
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00:11:40,496 --> 00:11:44,375
But she works out every day
and she eats kale just to spite me.
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00:11:47,670 --> 00:11:50,715
Six weeks, she got pregnant.
Six weeks!
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00:11:50,798 --> 00:11:52,258
I feel like I missed out on something.
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00:11:53,217 --> 00:11:55,345
Six weeks is very quick to get pregnant.
216
00:11:56,346 --> 00:11:58,473
I missed out on the new girlfriend.
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00:11:58,556 --> 00:12:00,391
The new girlfriend's the best time
of your life.
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00:12:00,475 --> 00:12:03,728
That first three months
of the new boyfriend or girlfriend,
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00:12:03,811 --> 00:12:06,814
the new relationship,
where the person's fucking perfect.
220
00:12:06,898 --> 00:12:09,651
And you're like, "Oh, my God...
I love this person."
221
00:12:09,734 --> 00:12:11,444
After a month, you're like, "This..."
222
00:12:11,527 --> 00:12:13,655
You're drinking with her like,
"She's drinking beer.
223
00:12:13,738 --> 00:12:14,864
Do you wanna watch Star Wars?"
224
00:12:14,948 --> 00:12:18,326
And she's like, "I do."
And you're like, "Fucking hell!"
225
00:12:18,409 --> 00:12:21,120
Yeah, and she's getting along
with your friends.
226
00:12:21,204 --> 00:12:22,538
Your mother's like,
"I think she's the one."
227
00:12:22,622 --> 00:12:24,082
You go, "I think she's the one as well."
228
00:12:26,626 --> 00:12:30,088
'Cause women can hold the psycho down
for three months.
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00:12:31,297 --> 00:12:35,927
For three months, they can walk around
like a functioning member of society.
230
00:12:38,221 --> 00:12:41,474
Showing up at your work parties
and not crying.
231
00:12:45,395 --> 00:12:48,314
At three months and one day,
you come out of the shower,
232
00:12:48,398 --> 00:12:51,192
and she's huddled over your phone
like Gollum. Just...
233
00:12:51,275 --> 00:12:52,527
[audience laughing]
234
00:12:57,198 --> 00:13:00,618
So I went from the new girlfriend,
best feeling in the world,
235
00:13:00,702 --> 00:13:03,037
to dating a pregnant chick.
236
00:13:03,997 --> 00:13:08,167
Now, no one has ever said this
and never recorded anything like this.
237
00:13:08,251 --> 00:13:10,837
No one's ever said it in a public forum.
238
00:13:12,714 --> 00:13:16,300
But the pregnant
are the worst people on Earth.
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00:13:16,384 --> 00:13:17,844
[audience laughing]
240
00:13:20,263 --> 00:13:21,806
For some reason,
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00:13:21,889 --> 00:13:25,601
society has told us that they have
some type of glow or some shit.
242
00:13:26,811 --> 00:13:30,231
The pregnant are a bunch of cunts,
the pregnant.
243
00:13:30,314 --> 00:13:32,025
[audience cheering]
244
00:13:33,317 --> 00:13:34,819
They...
245
00:13:35,361 --> 00:13:37,947
They cry when they're happy,
when they're sad.
246
00:13:38,031 --> 00:13:39,574
You don't know what fucking cry...
247
00:13:39,657 --> 00:13:43,411
And you ever tried fighting
with a pregnant person in a public place?
248
00:13:43,494 --> 00:13:44,787
[exclaims]
249
00:13:44,871 --> 00:13:46,914
[audience laughing]
250
00:13:46,998 --> 00:13:49,834
Doesn't matter how right you are.
251
00:13:51,627 --> 00:13:53,838
Me and Kate,
she was seven months pregnant,
252
00:13:53,921 --> 00:13:57,175
were walking around the supermarket,
right? Walking around...
253
00:13:57,258 --> 00:13:59,844
and I got some Coco Pops
to put in the trolley.
254
00:13:59,927 --> 00:14:02,972
Now, you call them Cocoa Krispies
in this country.
255
00:14:03,056 --> 00:14:05,767
How different our cultures are. And...
256
00:14:07,351 --> 00:14:10,480
I put the Coco Pops in the shopping cart.
257
00:14:10,563 --> 00:14:11,689
"Trolley."
258
00:14:11,773 --> 00:14:13,232
And, uh...
259
00:14:15,276 --> 00:14:18,863
And Kate picked them up
and put them back on the shelf.
260
00:14:18,946 --> 00:14:20,865
It was very confusing
261
00:14:20,948 --> 00:14:24,952
'cause I'd never seen Coco Pops
go in the opposite direction.
262
00:14:25,036 --> 00:14:26,662
[audience laughing]
263
00:14:28,706 --> 00:14:31,834
And my brain skipped a bit,
and I went, "Uh..."
264
00:14:33,878 --> 00:14:34,879
[exhales]
265
00:14:37,090 --> 00:14:40,426
"I think you made a mistake there, Kate."
266
00:14:40,510 --> 00:14:44,764
And I went to get them back,
and she goes, "You're not having them."
267
00:14:44,847 --> 00:14:48,184
And I went, "But I... I always have them."
268
00:14:49,185 --> 00:14:52,230
And she went, "You're getting fat."
269
00:14:54,399 --> 00:14:56,192
[audience laughing]
270
00:15:00,738 --> 00:15:05,034
So I did my drop-the-mic moment.
I picked up the Coco Pops and went...
271
00:15:09,330 --> 00:15:11,499
And she snapped and went,
272
00:15:11,582 --> 00:15:13,251
"Do you want me to lose this baby?"
273
00:15:13,334 --> 00:15:16,129
And I went,
"Um, fuck, that was quick!
274
00:15:17,338 --> 00:15:20,716
Of course I do.
You're a fucking nightmare!"
275
00:15:26,180 --> 00:15:29,934
You ever been in a bar at 4:00 a.m.,
talking to some guy,
276
00:15:30,017 --> 00:15:32,145
and he's telling you
how shitty his life is?
277
00:15:32,895 --> 00:15:36,274
And he's like,
"My dad, my dad's an asshole.
278
00:15:36,357 --> 00:15:38,359
Didn't even know my dad.
279
00:15:38,443 --> 00:15:41,237
Walked out on my mum
when she was pregnant with me."
280
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,364
And I used to think, "What a dick."
281
00:15:43,448 --> 00:15:44,740
And now I'm like...
282
00:15:44,824 --> 00:15:46,117
[grunts]
283
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,952
[audience laughing]
284
00:15:49,412 --> 00:15:51,831
"I'm sure he had his reasons.
285
00:15:53,666 --> 00:15:55,376
Who am I to judge, eh?"
286
00:15:56,794 --> 00:16:01,299
So she gets pregnant.
We got to go to these baby classes.
287
00:16:02,633 --> 00:16:04,594
We go to baby classes at the hospital,
288
00:16:04,677 --> 00:16:07,263
where they teach you
how to put nappies on and shit.
289
00:16:07,346 --> 00:16:09,307
And you swaddle.
290
00:16:09,390 --> 00:16:12,393
You've got [stutters] the dummy,
and you swaddle it.
291
00:16:12,477 --> 00:16:14,854
And then the lady goes,
"That's a good swaddle."
292
00:16:14,937 --> 00:16:17,940
And you go, "I thought it was.
I've been practicing."
293
00:16:20,359 --> 00:16:22,737
Most of it's watching videos
from the '80s.
294
00:16:22,820 --> 00:16:23,946
They put on actual videos.
295
00:16:24,071 --> 00:16:26,032
You're meant to watch
and learn how to parent.
296
00:16:26,115 --> 00:16:29,994
One of the videos we watched
was called Don't Shake the Baby.
297
00:16:32,705 --> 00:16:35,458
Don't Shake the Baby is 40 minutes long.
298
00:16:37,418 --> 00:16:40,213
You don't need to watch
Don't Shake the Baby.
299
00:16:40,296 --> 00:16:43,257
All the information you need is
in the title.
300
00:16:45,843 --> 00:16:49,514
Who picks up a copy
of Don't Shake the Baby
301
00:16:49,597 --> 00:16:51,974
and thinks to themselves, "Oh...
302
00:16:52,934 --> 00:16:54,894
maybe there's more to this.
303
00:16:56,979 --> 00:17:00,441
[stutters] But what if I'm really angry?
304
00:17:02,109 --> 00:17:05,655
What if I'm shaking my wife
and she's holding the baby?"
305
00:17:09,450 --> 00:17:11,744
The course
was basically a Tupperware party.
306
00:17:11,827 --> 00:17:13,037
Trying to sell us shit.
307
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:15,248
And we bought a car seat, and a stroller,
308
00:17:15,331 --> 00:17:18,960
and this thing you put the bottle in
that steams and sterilizes it.
309
00:17:19,043 --> 00:17:21,254
If you don't have the steamy,
sterilizey machine,
310
00:17:21,337 --> 00:17:23,839
you gotta boil the bottles,
and that's a pain in the ass.
311
00:17:23,923 --> 00:17:28,094
All right, here's a tip.
You don't have to sterilize baby bottles.
312
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:31,597
I stopped sterilizing Hank's bottles
after two days.
313
00:17:33,015 --> 00:17:35,393
I told Kate I was still doing it.
314
00:17:38,437 --> 00:17:40,273
But I wasn't.
315
00:17:41,357 --> 00:17:43,484
And I'll tell you why.
316
00:17:43,568 --> 00:17:46,070
Because 80% of the time,
he's being breast-fed.
317
00:17:46,153 --> 00:17:47,905
And we never sterilize those tits.
318
00:17:47,989 --> 00:17:52,618
We never had a special
steamy, cleany machine for the tits.
319
00:17:52,702 --> 00:17:55,288
In fact, for the first three weeks
after the birth,
320
00:17:55,371 --> 00:17:59,166
her cunt was all fucked up,
so I used to jack off on the tits.
321
00:17:59,250 --> 00:18:00,543
And he'd wake up
322
00:18:00,626 --> 00:18:03,212
- and have a midnight feeding.
- [audience laughing]
323
00:18:03,296 --> 00:18:07,508
And what I'm saying is,
no one's dead, are they?
324
00:18:08,426 --> 00:18:09,969
Like...
325
00:18:10,052 --> 00:18:13,889
Sure, he gets cold sores
and whatnot. But...
326
00:18:15,433 --> 00:18:17,435
he's different.
327
00:18:17,518 --> 00:18:20,730
He's a unique little boy. Leave him alone!
328
00:18:23,232 --> 00:18:24,650
So anyway...
329
00:18:27,695 --> 00:18:32,158
when you impregnate a person
that you don't know particularly well,
330
00:18:33,367 --> 00:18:37,663
sometimes, when it comes to parenting,
you're not on the same page.
331
00:18:37,747 --> 00:18:41,208
So me and Kate were watching 60 Minutes,
or 20/20 or something,
332
00:18:41,292 --> 00:18:44,545
and they were doing
a story on vaccination,
333
00:18:44,629 --> 00:18:46,047
and I turned to Kate and said,
334
00:18:46,130 --> 00:18:48,257
"People who don't vaccinate their kids
335
00:18:48,341 --> 00:18:49,550
are a pain in the ass."
336
00:18:49,634 --> 00:18:52,261
And Kate said, "Hank's not vaccinated."
337
00:18:52,345 --> 00:18:54,472
And I went, "Oh, fuck."
338
00:18:56,432 --> 00:18:58,142
You know when someone says something
339
00:18:58,225 --> 00:19:02,063
and your brain goes,
"That's gonna take up a lot of your time"?
340
00:19:04,982 --> 00:19:07,526
'Cause the dynamic
of our relationship is this.
341
00:19:07,610 --> 00:19:12,448
I go on the road and tell jokes
to make the family money.
342
00:19:12,531 --> 00:19:16,744
She's meant to stay home
and make sure that Hank doesn't die.
343
00:19:18,788 --> 00:19:22,249
And, between me and you,
I think she's doing a shit job.
344
00:19:24,752 --> 00:19:27,588
And I said, "Why isn't he vaccinated?"
345
00:19:27,672 --> 00:19:30,091
And she goes,
"I think it leads to autism."
346
00:19:30,174 --> 00:19:34,470
And I went, "Oh, what medical evidence
do you have that it leads to autism?"
347
00:19:34,553 --> 00:19:35,596
And she said, "Jenny..."
348
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,641
And I said,
"Don't even fucking say 'McCarthy.'
349
00:19:39,558 --> 00:19:40,601
Don't even say it,
350
00:19:40,685 --> 00:19:43,312
'cause that's not evidence,
that's Jenny McCarthy.
351
00:19:43,396 --> 00:19:46,941
I have nothing against the woman.
She's a comedian and a Playmate.
352
00:19:47,024 --> 00:19:49,777
They're my two favorite types of people.
353
00:19:50,695 --> 00:19:54,657
But I don't get my medical advice
from them. It's one of my things."
354
00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:56,742
And she went, "But her son's autistic."
355
00:19:56,826 --> 00:19:58,536
And I went, "Is he?
356
00:20:01,414 --> 00:20:04,041
Is he really?
357
00:20:04,667 --> 00:20:07,378
Or is he just Jenny McCarthy's kid?"
358
00:20:07,461 --> 00:20:08,838
[audience cheering]
359
00:20:10,464 --> 00:20:11,507
All right.
360
00:20:14,218 --> 00:20:19,390
"Did we expect a member of Mensa
to fall out of that woman?"
361
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,352
And she said,
"What difference does it make?
362
00:20:23,436 --> 00:20:25,563
No one gets smallpox. No one gets polio."
363
00:20:25,646 --> 00:20:27,314
It's frustrating when they say that,
364
00:20:27,398 --> 00:20:30,818
because you're like, [mockingly]
"Because of fucking vaccination."
365
00:20:33,529 --> 00:20:36,866
[normal voice] I said,
"And furthermore, my mother had polio."
366
00:20:36,949 --> 00:20:39,535
That's true, Gunta had polio.
367
00:20:39,618 --> 00:20:42,997
My mother can work polio
into any conversation.
368
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:46,459
You'll be having dinner with my mother
and she'll go, "Ah...
369
00:20:46,542 --> 00:20:48,878
maybe I will have some chocolate cake.
370
00:20:48,961 --> 00:20:51,172
'Cause I couldn't when I was young.
371
00:20:52,089 --> 00:20:53,549
I had polio."
372
00:20:55,551 --> 00:20:59,513
I believe that my mother secretly loves
the fact that she had polio,
373
00:20:59,597 --> 00:21:03,642
'cause polio does a lot of heavy lifting
for her shit personality.
374
00:21:03,726 --> 00:21:05,519
[audience laughing]
375
00:21:08,147 --> 00:21:11,525
Anyway, so we fought,
and we fought, and we fought,
376
00:21:11,609 --> 00:21:12,610
and I didn't win.
377
00:21:12,693 --> 00:21:15,029
Can't win every argument.
Hank's not getting vaccinated.
378
00:21:15,112 --> 00:21:19,158
So cut to three weeks later,
379
00:21:19,241 --> 00:21:22,661
we're doing Season 2 of Legit,
and I had to do a medical...
380
00:21:22,745 --> 00:21:24,079
- [man whistles]
- Oh, thank you.
381
00:21:24,163 --> 00:21:25,748
[audience applauding]
382
00:21:26,791 --> 00:21:27,917
Um...
383
00:21:29,877 --> 00:21:31,962
I think we were
the only ones who liked it.
384
00:21:32,046 --> 00:21:33,422
I, uh...
385
00:21:33,506 --> 00:21:35,758
We're doing Season 2 of Legit,
386
00:21:35,841 --> 00:21:39,970
and the network are trying
to insure me for $8 million.
387
00:21:40,054 --> 00:21:41,138
That's how much a season costs.
388
00:21:41,222 --> 00:21:43,140
So I have to do a studio physical.
389
00:21:43,224 --> 00:21:44,892
And they're insuring me in case I die,
390
00:21:44,975 --> 00:21:46,685
'cause the show would've ended.
391
00:21:46,769 --> 00:21:49,814
Or if I got some mental problem
and started stabbing people.
392
00:21:49,897 --> 00:21:51,774
That would also be a problem.
393
00:21:51,857 --> 00:21:53,359
It's like a three-hour physical.
394
00:21:53,442 --> 00:21:55,903
I'm jogging on treadmills,
and psychological tests...
395
00:21:55,986 --> 00:21:57,822
I'm jogging on this treadmill
with all these things on me
396
00:21:57,905 --> 00:21:59,657
and this tube coming out of my mouth.
397
00:21:59,740 --> 00:22:01,951
I get off,
and the doctor's writing something down.
398
00:22:02,034 --> 00:22:04,537
And I thought,
"I'll slip it into conversation,"
399
00:22:04,620 --> 00:22:06,539
and I went, "Hey.
400
00:22:07,540 --> 00:22:09,333
It's, um...
401
00:22:09,416 --> 00:22:11,919
It's not that important
to vaccinate kids, is it?"
402
00:22:13,254 --> 00:22:15,589
And she went,
"Only if you want them to live."
403
00:22:15,673 --> 00:22:16,715
Right?
404
00:22:17,258 --> 00:22:21,512
[chuckling]
She didn't even look up, right?
405
00:22:21,595 --> 00:22:23,514
And I said, "Are you serious?"
406
00:22:23,597 --> 00:22:25,683
And she goes, "Let me put it this way.
407
00:22:25,766 --> 00:22:29,728
I would not let my children
play with an unvaccinated child."
408
00:22:29,853 --> 00:22:32,690
So I thought,
"That's all the information I need."
409
00:22:32,773 --> 00:22:35,693
So behind Kate's back...
410
00:22:38,195 --> 00:22:40,573
and this is super illegal...
411
00:22:42,157 --> 00:22:45,744
and involves
forging her signature three times...
412
00:22:47,913 --> 00:22:51,041
I booked Hank in
to get all of his shots on one day,
413
00:22:51,125 --> 00:22:55,087
which the doctor didn't recommend,
but I'm a busy guy.
414
00:22:55,170 --> 00:22:56,922
[audience laughing]
415
00:22:58,299 --> 00:23:00,426
Now, I was about to come home
416
00:23:00,509 --> 00:23:03,429
to pick up Hank
to take him to get his vaccination shots.
417
00:23:03,512 --> 00:23:05,848
I knew that Kate was going to be home
with Hank,
418
00:23:05,931 --> 00:23:08,142
so I knew we were
about to have the biggest fight ever.
419
00:23:08,225 --> 00:23:10,311
You know when you're
about to fight with your partner,
420
00:23:10,394 --> 00:23:12,730
but they don't know you're about to
have a fight,
421
00:23:12,855 --> 00:23:15,149
so you have the upper hand?
422
00:23:15,232 --> 00:23:19,111
So what you do is, you think horrible shit
about that person all day,
423
00:23:19,194 --> 00:23:22,573
so in case they cry,
you can enjoy yourself.
424
00:23:22,656 --> 00:23:23,991
[audience laughing]
425
00:23:24,908 --> 00:23:28,245
No matter what happens,
I will always say this.
426
00:23:28,329 --> 00:23:31,624
Kate is the nicest human being
I have ever met.
427
00:23:31,707 --> 00:23:33,542
For niceness, I can't fault her.
428
00:23:33,626 --> 00:23:37,755
[stutters] She is just a good soul.
She only sees the good in people.
429
00:23:37,838 --> 00:23:40,966
She will never say a bad word
about another human being.
430
00:23:41,050 --> 00:23:43,302
And... so it's weird.
So I'm driving home,
431
00:23:43,385 --> 00:23:47,222
I'm trying to think bad thoughts
about the nicest person on Earth,
432
00:23:47,306 --> 00:23:48,641
and it's really difficult.
433
00:23:48,724 --> 00:23:52,061
So I'm in my car like, "Fucking Kate.
434
00:23:53,896 --> 00:23:57,816
Who the fuck does she think she is,
fucking...
435
00:23:57,900 --> 00:23:59,818
keeping the house nice?
436
00:24:02,529 --> 00:24:04,031
Fucking bitch.
437
00:24:07,534 --> 00:24:09,078
She left that plate in the sink.
438
00:24:09,161 --> 00:24:10,954
That was a fucking nightmare.
I remember that.
439
00:24:15,292 --> 00:24:17,419
Oh, no, that was me. I did that.
440
00:24:19,838 --> 00:24:21,965
But she cleaned it up,
and that's enabling,
441
00:24:22,049 --> 00:24:25,302
and that's fucking bullshit right there."
442
00:24:25,386 --> 00:24:27,388
So I came back just fucking steaming.
443
00:24:27,471 --> 00:24:30,224
"All right, here we fucking go.
Game's on."
444
00:24:30,307 --> 00:24:33,644
I come home, she's sitting down,
lovingly playing with our child,
445
00:24:33,727 --> 00:24:35,813
and she looks up and she goes,
"Hey, honey!"
446
00:24:35,938 --> 00:24:39,358
And I went, "Don't... fucking 'honey' me!"
447
00:24:41,110 --> 00:24:45,322
And she said, "What's wrong?"
And I said, "I'll tell you what's right!
448
00:24:45,406 --> 00:24:48,659
Hank's getting vaccinated today,
and there's nothing you can do!"
449
00:24:48,742 --> 00:24:51,203
And I pick up Hank,
and she starts screaming.
450
00:24:51,286 --> 00:24:53,997
He's one,
so he's super attached to his mother.
451
00:24:54,081 --> 00:24:55,416
And he's like, "Mummy, Mummy!"
452
00:24:55,499 --> 00:24:57,918
I'm like, "Your mum
can't fucking help you now!"
453
00:24:58,001 --> 00:24:59,503
[audience laughing]
454
00:24:59,586 --> 00:25:01,422
I go out to where the car's parked.
455
00:25:01,505 --> 00:25:03,465
I throw him in.
I'm doing him up in his seat.
456
00:25:03,549 --> 00:25:05,759
Kate comes out
and she starts slapping my back.
457
00:25:05,843 --> 00:25:07,302
I'm like, "Get the fuck off me!"
458
00:25:07,386 --> 00:25:09,680
She dramatically falls to the ground.
459
00:25:09,763 --> 00:25:13,100
I look up, and two of the neighbors
are out of their houses.
460
00:25:13,183 --> 00:25:17,271
They're quintessentially watching me
kidnap a child and beat up my girlfriend.
461
00:25:17,354 --> 00:25:19,106
[audience laughing]
462
00:25:19,189 --> 00:25:22,234
And I'm too far gone now,
so I doubled down and went,
463
00:25:22,317 --> 00:25:25,195
"Get back in your fucking houses!"
464
00:25:25,279 --> 00:25:27,364
Then I put him in his seat.
465
00:25:28,282 --> 00:25:32,202
I got in the driver's seat
and I fucking fishtailed out of there.
466
00:25:32,286 --> 00:25:35,956
And Kate's on her knees
and she screams out, "Fine!
467
00:25:36,874 --> 00:25:39,668
But if he becomes autistic, it's on you!"
468
00:25:44,173 --> 00:25:47,676
And I thought,
"Would she consider that a win?"
469
00:25:50,637 --> 00:25:52,973
So anyway...
470
00:25:53,056 --> 00:25:54,183
I take Hank off.
471
00:25:54,266 --> 00:25:56,852
I get him all of his shots.
472
00:25:56,935 --> 00:25:58,520
I bring him home.
473
00:26:00,272 --> 00:26:02,316
And he's definitely autistic now.
474
00:26:02,399 --> 00:26:03,942
[audience laughing]
475
00:26:05,986 --> 00:26:07,237
It's like night and day,
476
00:26:07,321 --> 00:26:10,032
like, the kid before the shots
and the kid after...
477
00:26:10,115 --> 00:26:12,659
Before the shots, he was this lively kid,
afterwards,
478
00:26:12,743 --> 00:26:14,578
I brought him home,
he's sitting in the corner, going...
479
00:26:14,661 --> 00:26:15,829
[screaming]
480
00:26:15,913 --> 00:26:18,791
And I'm like, "Oh, fuck!
481
00:26:18,874 --> 00:26:21,794
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
482
00:26:21,877 --> 00:26:24,171
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
483
00:26:24,254 --> 00:26:25,464
Oh...
484
00:26:26,381 --> 00:26:28,383
Oh, Kate's gonna notice this."
485
00:26:28,467 --> 00:26:30,177
[audience laughing]
486
00:26:37,017 --> 00:26:42,189
And so, I did whatever I did
when I knew I was in trouble. I lie.
487
00:26:43,607 --> 00:26:45,150
So I put Hank in a BabyBjörn.
488
00:26:45,234 --> 00:26:47,945
He's hanging off me like... [screams]
hanging off my chest.
489
00:26:48,028 --> 00:26:50,447
'Cause I couldn't let him
have alone time with Kate,
490
00:26:50,531 --> 00:26:52,282
'cause Kate would see it right away.
491
00:26:52,366 --> 00:26:55,160
I know what you're thinking.
I couldn't keep that up forever.
492
00:26:55,244 --> 00:26:56,703
But I did have a plan.
493
00:26:56,787 --> 00:26:58,664
What I was gonna do was, right,
494
00:26:58,747 --> 00:27:02,501
I was gonna stand near a door
that I knew Kate was gonna come through.
495
00:27:05,963 --> 00:27:07,714
"Look what you did!" Like that.
496
00:27:12,970 --> 00:27:17,266
Okay, so anyway,
I am making light of a situation...
497
00:27:18,684 --> 00:27:20,477
that was... it was horrible, man.
498
00:27:20,561 --> 00:27:21,728
[stutters]
499
00:27:21,812 --> 00:27:25,983
It's nice to make jokes about it now,
but at the time I was distraught.
500
00:27:26,066 --> 00:27:28,986
I didn't sleep for three days.
I couldn't eat.
501
00:27:29,069 --> 00:27:31,405
My brain was on a loop. I was so wired...
502
00:27:31,488 --> 00:27:32,948
I was rocking back and forth.
503
00:27:33,031 --> 00:27:35,784
"Your kid's autistic.
It's all your fault." [mumbles]
504
00:27:35,868 --> 00:27:39,413
So anyway, cut to three days later.
505
00:27:39,496 --> 00:27:41,790
I go to the doctor
to get the results of my physical,
506
00:27:41,874 --> 00:27:43,959
and Hank's dangling off me.
[groans]
507
00:27:44,042 --> 00:27:45,961
And...
508
00:27:46,044 --> 00:27:49,298
the doctor comes in and goes,
"How are we today, Mr. Jefferies?"
509
00:27:49,381 --> 00:27:53,427
And I said, "Not good.
[stutters] You told me to vaccinate Hank.
510
00:27:53,510 --> 00:27:56,471
You said, 'Vaccinate kid, good.'
But this is not good.
511
00:27:56,555 --> 00:27:59,349
[stutters] This used to be a good kid.
Look at this.
512
00:27:59,433 --> 00:28:00,809
Fucking shit kid."
513
00:28:00,893 --> 00:28:02,436
[audience laughing]
514
00:28:06,565 --> 00:28:08,275
And she goes, "Can you calm down?"
515
00:28:08,358 --> 00:28:10,986
I said, "No, I can't,
I haven't slept for three days.
516
00:28:11,069 --> 00:28:13,488
I'm wired, my brain's on a loop,
and I can't turn it off...
517
00:28:13,572 --> 00:28:15,073
because my kid's autistic.
It's all my fault.
518
00:28:15,157 --> 00:28:18,201
[repeating]
My kid's autistic. It's all my fault.
519
00:28:18,285 --> 00:28:20,537
My kid's autistic. It's all my fault."
[breathes heavily]
520
00:28:21,914 --> 00:28:24,166
And she looked at my chart and said,
521
00:28:24,249 --> 00:28:29,838
"Now... you know that you
have a tendency to overreact
522
00:28:29,922 --> 00:28:32,716
because you're on the spectrum."
523
00:28:34,468 --> 00:28:36,553
"You fucking what, when?"
524
00:28:38,347 --> 00:28:40,766
"You know,
how you have little empathy,
525
00:28:40,849 --> 00:28:44,311
you don't listen when others talk,
and you don't make eye contact."
526
00:28:47,814 --> 00:28:50,317
"I've heard about the eye contact."
527
00:28:53,570 --> 00:28:57,574
She goes,
"There's nothing wrong with Hank.
528
00:28:57,658 --> 00:28:59,743
He's just drugged out right now.
529
00:28:59,826 --> 00:29:03,455
You gave him all of his shots in one day,
which I didn't recommend."
530
00:29:03,538 --> 00:29:05,082
[audience laughing]
531
00:29:12,422 --> 00:29:13,590
Now...
532
00:29:13,674 --> 00:29:15,217
[audience applauding]
533
00:29:18,595 --> 00:29:22,015
It's true that the next day,
Hank was back to his normal self.
534
00:29:22,099 --> 00:29:23,850
There's nothing wrong with Hank.
535
00:29:23,934 --> 00:29:26,311
But it turns out that I'm autistic.
536
00:29:26,395 --> 00:29:27,604
[audience laughing]
537
00:29:32,234 --> 00:29:34,194
I don't know.
I don't know if I believe it,
538
00:29:34,278 --> 00:29:36,655
'cause the spectrum is very broad.
539
00:29:36,738 --> 00:29:39,408
Like, 1% to Ben Carsons or something.
540
00:29:39,491 --> 00:29:41,118
- Uh...
- [audience laughing]
541
00:29:45,163 --> 00:29:49,376
So I don't know. I think a lot of times,
people just diagnose personalities.
542
00:29:49,459 --> 00:29:52,462
I'm a bit of a dick. Can't we just...
[chuckles]
543
00:29:53,380 --> 00:29:55,799
But it's weird.
I was 36 when they told me that.
544
00:29:55,882 --> 00:30:00,053
It's weird when you find out
that you're autistic at 36.
545
00:30:00,137 --> 00:30:01,847
'Cause it's big news for me.
546
00:30:01,930 --> 00:30:06,685
[belches] And then I rang up
everyone I knew and told them,
547
00:30:06,768 --> 00:30:08,729
and no one was surprised.
548
00:30:08,812 --> 00:30:10,522
[audience laughing]
549
00:30:14,234 --> 00:30:15,736
I rang up me mum,
550
00:30:15,819 --> 00:30:18,613
and I left a message
on her voice machine like this,
551
00:30:18,697 --> 00:30:22,784
"Mum, you gotta call me back!
I have the biggest news ever!"
552
00:30:23,535 --> 00:30:27,581
And my mum rang me back and went,
"You're getting married."
553
00:30:27,664 --> 00:30:30,792
And I went, "No! I'm autistic!"
554
00:30:30,876 --> 00:30:33,628
And she went,
"Oh, everyone knows you're autistic.
555
00:30:35,630 --> 00:30:38,967
It's not that bad.
When I was a child, I had polio."
556
00:30:39,051 --> 00:30:40,761
[audience laughing]
557
00:30:41,428 --> 00:30:43,138
[audience cheering]
558
00:30:50,228 --> 00:30:52,773
Hank, though...
Hank... Hank's a smart kid.
559
00:30:52,856 --> 00:30:56,151
I think he's smart,
'cause he's the only kid I know.
560
00:30:57,861 --> 00:31:00,614
[stutters] I don't hang out
with other kids.
561
00:31:00,697 --> 00:31:03,575
He's just turned three, but when he
was two, we put him into school.
562
00:31:03,658 --> 00:31:06,161
When he was two,
my friends used to come over all the time,
563
00:31:06,244 --> 00:31:09,790
and I was such a proud father
that I'd be like, "Hank's a genius."
564
00:31:09,873 --> 00:31:11,249
They're like, "How do you know?"
565
00:31:11,333 --> 00:31:14,002
I'm like, "What's that?"
Hank would go, "Red fire truck."
566
00:31:14,086 --> 00:31:17,714
I'd be like, "Damn fucking straight,
it's a red fire truck.
567
00:31:17,798 --> 00:31:20,884
I taught him that, 'Red fire truck.'"
568
00:31:21,593 --> 00:31:24,846
Anyway, we put him into
this preschool for two-year-olds.
569
00:31:24,930 --> 00:31:27,849
It was a fancy one in Hollywood.
570
00:31:27,933 --> 00:31:30,936
It costs a lot of money,
but the school is kind of cool.
571
00:31:31,061 --> 00:31:33,605
They teach him how to swim.
They toilet train him.
572
00:31:33,688 --> 00:31:35,107
They got this great big turtle
573
00:31:35,190 --> 00:31:38,276
that walks amongst the kids
like a shitty Jurassic Park.
574
00:31:40,862 --> 00:31:42,697
And on the first day,
575
00:31:42,781 --> 00:31:45,367
we went there to meet
the other parents, the teachers,
576
00:31:45,450 --> 00:31:46,952
and the other students and everything.
577
00:31:47,035 --> 00:31:48,995
So I show up early.
Me and Hank at the school.
578
00:31:49,079 --> 00:31:51,915
And we got there early, like an hour
before everyone else.
579
00:31:51,998 --> 00:31:55,335
And we're there, the turtle walks by,
I'm with Hank, and I went,
580
00:31:55,419 --> 00:31:59,256
"Hank, that's a turtle.
Can you say 'turtle'?"
581
00:31:59,339 --> 00:32:02,717
And then this kid walks up
and goes, "Hi, I'm Simon."
582
00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:06,263
"All right. Hello, Simon."
583
00:32:06,346 --> 00:32:10,058
And he goes, "Actually, I'm Simon III.
I'm the third Simon.
584
00:32:10,142 --> 00:32:13,520
My dad's a Simon.
His dad's a Simon, that's my grandfather.
585
00:32:13,603 --> 00:32:16,815
So, one, two, three, third Simon."
586
00:32:20,485 --> 00:32:22,487
"All right."
587
00:32:22,571 --> 00:32:24,573
"When I grow up,
I wanna be a baseball player.
588
00:32:24,656 --> 00:32:25,782
I can't decide which team
589
00:32:25,866 --> 00:32:27,993
because Mum likes the Angels
and Dad likes the Dodgers.
590
00:32:28,076 --> 00:32:31,037
So, there's a bit of conflict at home."
591
00:32:34,166 --> 00:32:36,376
"How old are you, Simon?"
592
00:32:36,460 --> 00:32:38,420
Simon did not give me his age.
593
00:32:38,503 --> 00:32:40,839
Simon gave me his date of birth.
594
00:32:42,716 --> 00:32:46,595
And it turned out that Simon
was three months younger than Hank.
595
00:32:46,678 --> 00:32:49,431
And I turned and I looked
at my fucking idiot son.
596
00:32:49,514 --> 00:32:51,308
[audience laughing]
597
00:32:54,769 --> 00:32:56,980
And Hank went, "Turtle!"
598
00:32:57,063 --> 00:32:58,857
[audience laughing]
599
00:33:05,864 --> 00:33:09,493
And I said, "Yes, Hank, that's a turtle."
600
00:33:11,620 --> 00:33:13,121
And then Simon went...
601
00:33:14,414 --> 00:33:15,749
"That's a tortoise."
602
00:33:15,832 --> 00:33:17,501
[audience laughing]
603
00:33:22,339 --> 00:33:24,925
I didn't know that before.
604
00:33:25,008 --> 00:33:27,802
Turns out that tortoises just live
on the land,
605
00:33:27,886 --> 00:33:30,722
and turtles live in the water
and on the land.
606
00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:33,433
Simon taught me that!
607
00:33:33,517 --> 00:33:35,060
[audience laughing]
608
00:33:40,315 --> 00:33:43,276
See, one of my old jokes
has come back to haunt me.
609
00:33:45,028 --> 00:33:46,988
If you're a dumb cunt...
610
00:33:47,072 --> 00:33:48,823
[audience laughing]
611
00:33:51,326 --> 00:33:53,078
[audience cheering]
612
00:33:55,789 --> 00:33:59,709
...and your wife or your husband
is a dumb cunt...
613
00:34:00,710 --> 00:34:04,005
guess what your fucking kids are?
614
00:34:04,089 --> 00:34:06,925
Let's just say
that Kate's not a scientist.
615
00:34:08,969 --> 00:34:12,055
See, I go to these school events
and I meet the other parents,
616
00:34:12,138 --> 00:34:13,848
and I get intimidated
when I meet educated people
617
00:34:13,932 --> 00:34:15,767
'cause I'm not super educated.
618
00:34:15,850 --> 00:34:20,689
So, whenever I meet this guy,
Simon II, that fucking cunt, right?
619
00:34:20,772 --> 00:34:22,107
Simon III's dad.
620
00:34:22,190 --> 00:34:25,569
He's a thoracic surgeon
and his wife's a pediatrician.
621
00:34:25,652 --> 00:34:28,822
And I'm chatting
to the fucking Simons, right?
622
00:34:28,905 --> 00:34:31,533
And I can't keep up with the conversation,
623
00:34:31,616 --> 00:34:35,120
but I don't wanna sound dumb,
so I just say shit.
624
00:34:35,203 --> 00:34:37,956
We're talking about politics or something,
625
00:34:38,039 --> 00:34:42,168
and I just went,
just trying to keep up, I went, "Ah...
626
00:34:42,252 --> 00:34:45,672
I reckon they should
try to catch that Benghazi guy."
627
00:34:45,755 --> 00:34:47,632
[audience laughing]
628
00:34:51,803 --> 00:34:56,182
And then, everyone looks at me
like I'm an idiot, and I went...
629
00:34:59,311 --> 00:35:02,981
And Simon II goes,
"Jim, I didn't catch...
630
00:35:03,064 --> 00:35:05,442
What do you do for a living there, Jim?"
631
00:35:05,525 --> 00:35:07,360
And I went, "Um...
632
00:35:08,945 --> 00:35:10,572
I'm a comedian."
633
00:35:10,655 --> 00:35:13,700
And he goes, "Oh, me and my wife,
we just love comedy.
634
00:35:13,783 --> 00:35:16,995
We'd love to catch
one of your shows sometime."
635
00:35:18,913 --> 00:35:20,624
"You wouldn't like it..."
636
00:35:20,707 --> 00:35:22,459
[audience laughing]
637
00:35:25,337 --> 00:35:28,048
He goes, "What type of comedy do you do?"
"Um..."
638
00:35:30,050 --> 00:35:31,426
[huffs]
639
00:35:32,969 --> 00:35:34,220
"Like, um..."
640
00:35:35,889 --> 00:35:37,307
[sighs]
641
00:35:37,390 --> 00:35:39,851
"I say 'cunt' more than anyone else.
642
00:35:41,102 --> 00:35:42,979
- I...
- [audience cheering]
643
00:35:45,357 --> 00:35:46,399
I...
644
00:35:47,901 --> 00:35:50,528
I'm sort of known for saying 'cunt.'
645
00:35:50,612 --> 00:35:54,324
Seven years ago, when I did
my first comedy special in America,
646
00:35:54,407 --> 00:35:57,661
the word 'cunt' was banned
in every comedy club in America,
647
00:35:57,744 --> 00:36:00,497
and then I said 'cunt'
loads on television,
648
00:36:00,580 --> 00:36:04,876
and now, people can say 'cunt'
in comedy clubs. So, I'm...
649
00:36:04,959 --> 00:36:07,379
[audience cheering and applauding]
650
00:36:10,882 --> 00:36:15,345
Basically... basically,
I'm the Rosa Parks of 'cunt.'"
651
00:36:15,428 --> 00:36:17,389
[audience laughing and cheering]
652
00:36:22,435 --> 00:36:23,978
[chuckles]
653
00:36:25,647 --> 00:36:29,275
Now, at this school,
they do toilet train him, right?
654
00:36:29,359 --> 00:36:33,196
But I'm not happy,
'cause it's just female staff
655
00:36:33,279 --> 00:36:37,158
and they're teaching every child
to do sit-down wees.
656
00:36:37,242 --> 00:36:41,413
It's all right for the girls,
but the boys should do a stand-up wee.
657
00:36:41,496 --> 00:36:43,957
They shouldn't be doing sit-down wees.
658
00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:47,961
Now, I like a sit-down wee
as much as the next man...
659
00:36:49,629 --> 00:36:52,757
but there is a place and a time for it.
660
00:36:52,841 --> 00:36:55,719
These are the only times
you should do sit-down wees.
661
00:36:55,802 --> 00:36:57,679
You always have to be at your house.
662
00:36:57,762 --> 00:37:01,558
You can't do it in other people's houses.
It's weird.
663
00:37:01,641 --> 00:37:03,643
You have to be at your house
664
00:37:03,727 --> 00:37:05,019
and drunk.
665
00:37:07,439 --> 00:37:09,607
And then you'll be like,
666
00:37:09,691 --> 00:37:12,068
"Oh, I'm gonna have a lovely sit-down wee.
667
00:37:12,152 --> 00:37:15,947
Oh, yeah, I'll...
I'll treat meself. Whoa."
668
00:37:18,366 --> 00:37:19,868
[chuckles]
669
00:37:21,161 --> 00:37:24,539
"I'll go back downstairs in a second.
I won't fall asleep. Stay awake.
670
00:37:24,622 --> 00:37:27,417
Come on, have a little sit-down wee."
671
00:37:27,500 --> 00:37:30,086
And the other time
you can have a sit-down wee
672
00:37:30,170 --> 00:37:32,005
is if you wake up
in the middle of the night
673
00:37:32,088 --> 00:37:34,674
and you wanna go to the toilet,
but you don't wanna turn the light on
674
00:37:34,758 --> 00:37:37,719
because it'll hurt your eyes
and you'll wake up too much.
675
00:37:37,802 --> 00:37:39,512
[audience applauding]
676
00:37:41,014 --> 00:37:42,640
So, what you do is,
677
00:37:42,724 --> 00:37:44,976
out of respect,
so you don't piss everywhere,
678
00:37:45,059 --> 00:37:46,227
you have a sit-down wee.
679
00:37:46,311 --> 00:37:49,773
And that's always a sleepy...
"All right, you lovely wee."
680
00:37:50,690 --> 00:37:53,401
And because you're sitting,
sometimes your asshole goes,
681
00:37:53,485 --> 00:37:56,237
- "Are we pooing?"
- [audience laughing]
682
00:37:56,321 --> 00:37:58,490
And you're like, "No, we're not pooing.
683
00:37:58,573 --> 00:38:01,534
We're just having a sit-down wee.
I'm sorry."
684
00:38:02,744 --> 00:38:05,246
"Oh, I thought we were pooing."
685
00:38:05,330 --> 00:38:09,751
"No, no, no.
We'll see you in the morning, asshole."
686
00:38:12,796 --> 00:38:16,049
[chuckling] And I want him to be good
at the sit-down wee.
687
00:38:16,132 --> 00:38:18,551
It's important to me.
688
00:38:18,635 --> 00:38:22,555
Because... Do you remember
when you were about seven?
689
00:38:22,639 --> 00:38:25,934
A weirdly sort-of-old-age like seven,
690
00:38:26,017 --> 00:38:28,478
and all the boys at school
would go to have a piss.
691
00:38:28,561 --> 00:38:30,647
They'd walk up, and undo their belt,
692
00:38:30,730 --> 00:38:32,607
undo their fly, pull out their dick,
693
00:38:32,690 --> 00:38:33,733
and have a piss.
694
00:38:33,817 --> 00:38:37,737
And then there was that one kid,
for whatever reason,
695
00:38:37,821 --> 00:38:41,491
had to have his pants and his underwear
down by his ankles.
696
00:38:41,574 --> 00:38:43,493
[audience laughing and applauding]
697
00:38:45,161 --> 00:38:49,874
And he'd stand there with his asshole
hanging out of the bottom of his shirt.
698
00:38:52,961 --> 00:38:55,797
"This is how I've always done it."
699
00:38:55,880 --> 00:38:57,340
[chuckles]
700
00:38:59,175 --> 00:39:02,846
Yeah, Hank, he got toilet-trained
just under the wire,
701
00:39:02,929 --> 00:39:04,055
'cause he's three now,
702
00:39:04,138 --> 00:39:06,766
and he got toilet-trained
just before his birthday.
703
00:39:06,850 --> 00:39:09,310
You wanna be toilet-trained
before you turn three.
704
00:39:09,435 --> 00:39:10,812
After that, it gets weird.
705
00:39:10,895 --> 00:39:14,440
There's people in the crowd who have
a 4-year-old who isn't toilet-trained.
706
00:39:14,524 --> 00:39:16,901
And you're feeling shame
right now, I know,
707
00:39:16,985 --> 00:39:18,736
'cause I have friends with 4-year-olds...
708
00:39:18,820 --> 00:39:20,238
See, this is the rule in life.
709
00:39:20,321 --> 00:39:21,739
You're allowed to shit your pants
710
00:39:21,823 --> 00:39:25,702
in the first and the last three years
of your life.
711
00:39:25,785 --> 00:39:28,329
Everything else gets odd, right?
712
00:39:29,581 --> 00:39:33,668
Now, a 4-year-old
shouldn't be shitting their pants
713
00:39:33,751 --> 00:39:36,796
'cause you can have a conversation
with a 4-year-old.
714
00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:39,299
And you should never be able
to have a conversation
715
00:39:39,382 --> 00:39:42,135
with someone who's shitting their pants.
716
00:39:43,386 --> 00:39:46,389
So my mates are over my house.
I've got pinball machines.
717
00:39:46,472 --> 00:39:48,808
We're playing pinball,
and his son walks up,
718
00:39:48,892 --> 00:39:52,729
and, dead set, this was the conversation.
His son walks up like this.
719
00:39:54,105 --> 00:39:55,440
"Hey, Dad.
720
00:39:56,107 --> 00:39:58,902
You're gonna have to change me, mate.
I just shit my pants."
721
00:39:58,985 --> 00:40:00,737
[audience laughing]
722
00:40:03,072 --> 00:40:07,744
And the dad was so embarrassed,
he was like, "Don't! Stop that! Oh!
723
00:40:08,870 --> 00:40:11,706
Can you please stop shitting your pants?"
724
00:40:11,789 --> 00:40:14,375
And the son responded like this...
725
00:40:17,128 --> 00:40:20,089
"Are we gonna
have this argument every time?"
726
00:40:20,173 --> 00:40:21,591
[audience laughing]
727
00:40:24,636 --> 00:40:27,138
So I went to Kate,
'cause he was about to turn three,
728
00:40:27,221 --> 00:40:30,516
and I said, "Kate,
Hank's gotta stop shitting his pants."
729
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:33,561
So, she read a book, and
comes to me with this information.
730
00:40:33,645 --> 00:40:37,815
"You have to start
shitting in front of Hank."
731
00:40:41,444 --> 00:40:44,656
And I went,
"I don't wanna shit in front of Hank.
732
00:40:44,739 --> 00:40:46,741
What have I gotta
shit in front of Hank for?"
733
00:40:46,824 --> 00:40:49,202
She goes, "It says in the book
that he's a caveman,
734
00:40:49,285 --> 00:40:50,453
if he's left to his own devices,
735
00:40:50,536 --> 00:40:52,789
he'll shit in his hand
and chuck it at us."
736
00:40:52,872 --> 00:40:54,832
[audience laughing]
737
00:41:01,714 --> 00:41:05,385
And she goes, "He's like,
'Monkey see, monkey do.'
738
00:41:05,468 --> 00:41:06,886
He's gotta see someone using the seat.
739
00:41:06,970 --> 00:41:09,514
He's gotta see someone
using the toilet paper..."
740
00:41:09,597 --> 00:41:10,640
You know, that type of stuff.
741
00:41:10,723 --> 00:41:14,018
And I said,
"Why don't you shit in front of Hank?"
742
00:41:14,102 --> 00:41:17,855
She goes, "He has to see the cock
and balls, or he'll get confused."
743
00:41:20,191 --> 00:41:22,902
For a while there,
I was shitting in front of Hank.
744
00:41:26,114 --> 00:41:28,408
Man, it was a big adjustment for me.
745
00:41:30,118 --> 00:41:34,539
'Cause my shits used to be
these quiet, dignified affairs.
746
00:41:34,622 --> 00:41:38,501
I'd be watching the TV,
I'd feel a shit come on...
747
00:41:40,962 --> 00:41:42,880
[audience laughing]
748
00:41:45,591 --> 00:41:47,719
I'd leave to the bathroom...
749
00:41:51,681 --> 00:41:53,224
I'd have my shit,
750
00:41:53,307 --> 00:41:55,685
I'd come back into the living room,
751
00:41:55,768 --> 00:41:57,687
and nine times out of ten,
752
00:41:57,770 --> 00:42:00,648
I wouldn't even tell anyone
where I'd been.
753
00:42:00,732 --> 00:42:02,525
[audience laughing]
754
00:42:04,944 --> 00:42:07,905
But then, my shits
became like family events.
755
00:42:12,035 --> 00:42:13,995
I'd feel a shit come on...
756
00:42:16,664 --> 00:42:18,458
"All right, everyone!
757
00:42:20,793 --> 00:42:23,212
Daddy's got a shit in the chamber!
758
00:42:24,797 --> 00:42:28,134
Who wants to come
and see a professional at work?"
759
00:42:31,179 --> 00:42:34,098
Anyway, I chickened out of it
for like two weeks.
760
00:42:34,182 --> 00:42:36,934
I wouldn't shit in front of Hank.
Then, I got the guts.
761
00:42:37,018 --> 00:42:39,562
So me and Kate are watching TV.
The TV is there. We're on the couch.
762
00:42:39,645 --> 00:42:41,689
Hank's over there playing with his toys.
763
00:42:41,773 --> 00:42:43,024
And I feel a shit come on.
764
00:42:44,150 --> 00:42:45,860
[audience chuckling]
765
00:42:49,030 --> 00:42:50,490
"I've got one."
766
00:42:52,575 --> 00:42:56,204
And she said, "I think it's time."
767
00:42:56,287 --> 00:42:57,580
[whispers] "Okay."
768
00:43:08,883 --> 00:43:10,301
[normal voice] "G'day, mate.
769
00:43:12,470 --> 00:43:14,388
You're coming with me."
770
00:43:23,898 --> 00:43:27,360
And we went into the toilet,
and I shut the door,
771
00:43:27,443 --> 00:43:29,946
and I pulled me pants
and me underwear down.
772
00:43:30,029 --> 00:43:32,198
Now, he knew it wasn't a normal day.
773
00:43:32,281 --> 00:43:33,866
[audience laughing]
774
00:43:37,203 --> 00:43:39,831
He looked very upset.
775
00:43:39,914 --> 00:43:41,749
And I'm fucking autistic.
776
00:43:42,667 --> 00:43:45,503
[scattered applause]
777
00:43:46,212 --> 00:43:49,006
Neither of us were making eye contact.
We were both...
778
00:43:56,013 --> 00:43:58,057
So I thought,
"I better get down to business."
779
00:43:58,141 --> 00:44:01,102
And I looked at him, I said,
"Oh, all right, son...
780
00:44:02,687 --> 00:44:04,480
first things first.
781
00:44:04,564 --> 00:44:07,650
You gotta tuck your cock and balls
between your legs
782
00:44:07,733 --> 00:44:10,570
so that your penis is facing downwards.
783
00:44:10,653 --> 00:44:14,407
Because where there is poo,
there will always be wee.
784
00:44:17,618 --> 00:44:20,621
Now, because you're a Jefferies,
785
00:44:20,705 --> 00:44:24,458
we don't have
what they call 'big penises.'
786
00:44:24,542 --> 00:44:26,210
[audience laughing]
787
00:44:28,754 --> 00:44:32,675
So, what you do is, you put your legs
a little bit together like that...
788
00:44:34,218 --> 00:44:36,971
to stop your penis from popping back up.
789
00:44:39,140 --> 00:44:41,851
[chuckles] You're seeing it, aren't you?
Yeah.
790
00:44:41,934 --> 00:44:44,520
You see how I look like Mummy now?
Yeah, yeah."
791
00:44:44,604 --> 00:44:46,063
[audience laughing]
792
00:44:46,147 --> 00:44:48,941
Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? It's funny.
Yeah, yeah.
793
00:44:49,025 --> 00:44:51,193
You don't know
what I do for a living, son.
794
00:44:51,277 --> 00:44:54,488
You don't know, but I tell jokes.
I write jokes, you know.
795
00:44:54,572 --> 00:44:57,783
It's always upset me that
no matter how hard I try,
796
00:44:57,867 --> 00:44:59,785
I'll never write anything as funny
797
00:44:59,869 --> 00:45:03,748
as a man putting his cock and balls
between his legs...
798
00:45:03,831 --> 00:45:07,084
and saying, 'I'm a lady, I'm a lady.'
799
00:45:09,921 --> 00:45:12,840
In fact, if you're ever at a party
800
00:45:12,924 --> 00:45:15,384
and you feel like
things aren't going your way...
801
00:45:17,303 --> 00:45:20,264
get behind a tree
and take your pants and underwear off,
802
00:45:20,348 --> 00:45:22,183
tuck your cock and balls
between your legs,
803
00:45:22,266 --> 00:45:24,852
and jump out at a woman and go,
'I'm a lady!' Like that."
804
00:45:24,936 --> 00:45:27,063
[laughing]
805
00:45:27,146 --> 00:45:28,981
Yeah, yeah, it's good. See?
806
00:45:29,065 --> 00:45:33,152
Well, you know, you'll make more friends
than you'll lose."
807
00:45:33,235 --> 00:45:35,154
[audience laughing]
808
00:45:37,657 --> 00:45:39,283
Now...
809
00:45:39,367 --> 00:45:43,496
over the course
of the last six to eight months,
810
00:45:43,579 --> 00:45:46,749
[stammers] my career
has changed somewhat.
811
00:45:46,832 --> 00:45:49,460
Audiences have definitely changed.
812
00:45:49,543 --> 00:45:52,505
It used to just be white guys
the same age as me.
813
00:45:52,588 --> 00:45:55,633
Now, if you look around,
it's pretty 50-50, men and women.
814
00:45:55,716 --> 00:45:58,594
Age groups, races... It's all changed.
815
00:45:58,678 --> 00:46:02,890
And all because
of the gun control routine.
816
00:46:02,974 --> 00:46:04,642
So the gun control routine...
817
00:46:04,725 --> 00:46:06,519
[audience cheering]
818
00:46:08,688 --> 00:46:09,897
got...
819
00:46:09,981 --> 00:46:12,400
got seen on so many different platforms,
820
00:46:12,483 --> 00:46:15,236
and all this stuff,
put up and taken down...
821
00:46:15,319 --> 00:46:17,321
that it's actually been seen
five times more
822
00:46:17,405 --> 00:46:19,448
than anything else I've done in my career.
823
00:46:19,532 --> 00:46:21,909
So I'm mostly known for that now.
824
00:46:21,993 --> 00:46:24,704
Which is strange,
'cause people are coming onto the shows
825
00:46:24,787 --> 00:46:27,832
'cause you're hoping
that I'll do some political satire,
826
00:46:27,915 --> 00:46:32,128
or some social commentary
or something Carlinesque...
827
00:46:32,211 --> 00:46:37,466
and how disappointing
this evening's performance must be.
828
00:46:39,385 --> 00:46:42,304
I just did 25 minutes on pooing.
829
00:46:42,388 --> 00:46:43,931
[audience laughing]
830
00:46:45,683 --> 00:46:50,604
Now, the gun control routine
has been shown in most news outlets.
831
00:46:50,730 --> 00:46:53,441
It was shown in the New Yorker
as an article.
832
00:46:53,524 --> 00:46:56,527
It was shown in the Washington Post
as an article.
833
00:46:56,610 --> 00:46:59,739
It was shown on CNN as news.
834
00:47:01,741 --> 00:47:05,536
And it was shown on Fox
for different reasons.
835
00:47:05,619 --> 00:47:07,455
[audience laughing]
836
00:47:10,374 --> 00:47:16,130
It's also been... it's also now shown to
the law students in Yale.
837
00:47:16,213 --> 00:47:19,967
Like they're meant to learn something
or some shit.
838
00:47:20,051 --> 00:47:23,137
Now, I appreciate all these things.
It's very nice.
839
00:47:23,220 --> 00:47:26,766
I don't know if I deserve these accolades,
or whatever the fuck they're called,
840
00:47:26,849 --> 00:47:29,560
because, I'm gonna be honest with you...
841
00:47:29,643 --> 00:47:30,686
Um...
842
00:47:31,645 --> 00:47:33,814
I made some of the statistics up.
843
00:47:33,898 --> 00:47:35,232
All right!
844
00:47:41,072 --> 00:47:43,699
[stammering] This isn't real.
845
00:47:44,742 --> 00:47:46,368
Now, I made two things up.
846
00:47:46,452 --> 00:47:49,455
Now, I stand by everything I said
in the gun control routine,
847
00:47:49,538 --> 00:47:51,624
because most of the things I said
were common sense
848
00:47:51,707 --> 00:47:53,584
about safes and the guns in Australia,
849
00:47:53,667 --> 00:47:54,668
and that was correct.
850
00:47:54,752 --> 00:47:56,921
I made two statistics up. Two little ones.
851
00:47:57,004 --> 00:47:58,798
So, I'm gonna fess up right now.
852
00:47:58,881 --> 00:48:01,008
The first one is this.
853
00:48:01,092 --> 00:48:06,472
"If you have a gun, you're 80% more likely
to be shot by a gun."
854
00:48:06,555 --> 00:48:08,307
I don't know, maybe.
855
00:48:08,390 --> 00:48:10,184
[audience laughing]
856
00:48:12,645 --> 00:48:15,272
That sounds like a thing, doesn't it?
857
00:48:16,565 --> 00:48:19,944
And the other one was, uh...
858
00:48:20,027 --> 00:48:23,030
"The average security guard
in America earns $16 an hour.
859
00:48:23,114 --> 00:48:26,826
Not a lot of wiggle room
to be a fucking hero."
860
00:48:26,909 --> 00:48:29,703
It turns out that
the average security guard in America
861
00:48:29,787 --> 00:48:31,914
earns $14 an hour.
862
00:48:32,832 --> 00:48:36,168
I'd like to apologize for those extra $2.
863
00:48:39,547 --> 00:48:43,676
Now, it's very weird 'cause,
over the course of my 15-year career,
864
00:48:43,759 --> 00:48:45,970
I've said horrible things about religion.
865
00:48:46,053 --> 00:48:48,139
That if you are religious,
you believe in God,
866
00:48:48,222 --> 00:48:50,224
that you've wasted your life.
867
00:48:50,307 --> 00:48:56,355
And over the course of 15 years,
from religious groups,
868
00:48:56,438 --> 00:49:00,276
I have received seven pieces of hate mail.
869
00:49:01,944 --> 00:49:04,196
Seven.
870
00:49:04,280 --> 00:49:05,865
Very manageable.
871
00:49:05,948 --> 00:49:07,825
[audience laughing]
872
00:49:08,909 --> 00:49:10,995
I write back.
873
00:49:16,959 --> 00:49:20,796
And I thought that religious people
were the nuttiest cunts on the planet.
874
00:49:20,880 --> 00:49:26,385
And that was until I gave my opinion
on the Second Amendment.
875
00:49:26,468 --> 00:49:28,262
Fuck me.
876
00:49:28,345 --> 00:49:30,055
[audience laughing]
877
00:49:31,682 --> 00:49:33,559
I had no idea what crazy was
878
00:49:33,642 --> 00:49:38,022
[chuckling] until I fucking just poked
that hornet's nest with a stick.
879
00:49:38,105 --> 00:49:40,274
[grunts] "I got something to say."
880
00:49:43,360 --> 00:49:46,363
Because on a quiet day,
881
00:49:46,447 --> 00:49:50,701
I receive 20 to 40 pieces of hate mail
from gun people.
882
00:49:50,784 --> 00:49:53,579
On a quiet day. Keep up.
883
00:49:53,662 --> 00:49:55,998
- I, uh...
- [audience laughing]
884
00:49:57,333 --> 00:49:58,375
[scoffs]
885
00:49:59,293 --> 00:50:02,254
Twenty to forty pieces of hate mail,
and it's always the same.
886
00:50:02,338 --> 00:50:05,257
They always read exactly the same way,
etcetera.
887
00:50:05,341 --> 00:50:07,927
Now, I'm in a unique position.
888
00:50:08,010 --> 00:50:10,804
Because of the hate mail
that I receive on a daily basis,
889
00:50:10,888 --> 00:50:14,058
because I've become
the pinup boy for gun control...
890
00:50:14,141 --> 00:50:17,186
I can tell you, down to the hour,
891
00:50:17,269 --> 00:50:21,649
when an American gun owner is happy
and when they're sad.
892
00:50:22,650 --> 00:50:25,319
'Cause they don't send me hate mail
when they're sad.
893
00:50:25,402 --> 00:50:27,655
Like, when there's a massacre
in a school,
894
00:50:27,738 --> 00:50:30,449
it's a very quiet day for me.
895
00:50:30,532 --> 00:50:33,035
Or some 4-year-old
shoots their mum in the head,
896
00:50:33,118 --> 00:50:36,372
they're like, [mumbling]
"I'm not gonna write anything today."
897
00:50:37,539 --> 00:50:40,876
But the day that I received
the most amount of hate mail,
898
00:50:40,960 --> 00:50:44,838
when I received 782 pieces of hate mail,
899
00:50:44,922 --> 00:50:47,758
and it kind of sickened me a bit
when it happened,
900
00:50:47,841 --> 00:50:53,305
was the day of the Paris shootings,
where 128 people died.
901
00:50:53,389 --> 00:50:57,935
And that,
to a real fanatical gun person in America,
902
00:50:58,018 --> 00:51:00,145
that was the best day ever.
903
00:51:00,229 --> 00:51:05,818
They were so happy because
the French have extremely strict gun laws,
904
00:51:05,901 --> 00:51:07,820
and then people went and shot everyone.
905
00:51:07,903 --> 00:51:09,989
And so, I got letters that read like porn,
906
00:51:10,072 --> 00:51:13,117
like they were from Penthouse Forum.
907
00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:17,830
And every letter read the same way.
Like, "See? It happens in every country.
908
00:51:17,913 --> 00:51:19,623
[audience laughing]
909
00:51:21,834 --> 00:51:24,628
It's not just us.
It's not just us.
910
00:51:25,546 --> 00:51:28,632
If they had more guns,
maybe they could've protected themselves."
911
00:51:30,426 --> 00:51:31,969
[audience cheering]
912
00:51:34,847 --> 00:51:37,725
Now, I'm not going
to get into another debate
913
00:51:37,808 --> 00:51:40,102
about whether they had guns
or don't have guns,
914
00:51:40,185 --> 00:51:44,231
'cause this is all... No one knows.
No one was in that situation.
915
00:51:44,315 --> 00:51:49,570
And then, some people went as far to say
that I was a supporter of ISIS.
916
00:51:50,404 --> 00:51:52,406
- Now...
- [audience laughing]
917
00:51:54,533 --> 00:51:56,201
I don't like ISIS.
918
00:51:57,786 --> 00:52:00,539
I hate ISIS as much as the next man.
919
00:52:00,622 --> 00:52:02,374
[loud cheering]
920
00:52:02,458 --> 00:52:03,876
Now...
921
00:52:05,711 --> 00:52:08,255
I'll tell you the problem with ISIS.
922
00:52:10,007 --> 00:52:12,092
The problem with ISIS is...
923
00:52:12,176 --> 00:52:13,510
[audience laughing]
924
00:52:15,429 --> 00:52:16,555
is...
925
00:52:20,684 --> 00:52:23,103
you never see them laughing.
926
00:52:23,187 --> 00:52:26,231
They're not a jovial bunch.
That's what religion does.
927
00:52:26,315 --> 00:52:29,151
Religious people are always miserable.
[groaning]
928
00:52:29,234 --> 00:52:32,112
They're just such miserable cunts,
the ISIS.
929
00:52:33,155 --> 00:52:34,531
You never one of them...
930
00:52:34,615 --> 00:52:37,951
When they do the videos
before a beheading, and the guy is like,
931
00:52:38,035 --> 00:52:41,497
[mock Arabic accent] "Before I behead
this man, a little bit about me...
932
00:52:41,580 --> 00:52:42,998
[audience laughing]
933
00:52:44,041 --> 00:52:45,834
I, well, I like Muhammad.
934
00:52:45,918 --> 00:52:47,503
Oh, shit, fuck!
935
00:52:47,586 --> 00:52:50,756
I love Muhammad.
I love...
936
00:52:52,049 --> 00:52:55,761
I enjoy beheading people, of course.
I like beheading people.
937
00:52:55,844 --> 00:52:59,765
And, uh, I like the comedy of Aziz Ansari.
I like it.
938
00:52:59,848 --> 00:53:01,058
[audience laughing]
939
00:53:01,141 --> 00:53:02,893
I like Aziz.
940
00:53:02,976 --> 00:53:05,813
He's a crazy guy
with modern-day problems."
941
00:53:09,691 --> 00:53:12,945
[normal voice]
Thank fuck the ISIS don't drink!
942
00:53:13,028 --> 00:53:14,738
You don't want drunk ISIS.
943
00:53:16,115 --> 00:53:19,326
You don't want some cunt
waking up with seven heads in his bed,
944
00:53:19,410 --> 00:53:22,162
like, "What the fuck did I do last night?"
945
00:53:22,246 --> 00:53:23,539
[audience laughing]
946
00:53:25,040 --> 00:53:26,500
His friend comes in and goes,
947
00:53:26,583 --> 00:53:30,379
[mock Arabic accent]
"You were so fucked up last night!
948
00:53:31,380 --> 00:53:35,551
We were out drinking,
and by the way, I was joking...
949
00:53:35,634 --> 00:53:37,719
There was some guy doodling on a napkin,
950
00:53:37,803 --> 00:53:40,639
and I was like, 'Hey,
he's drawing Muhammad,'
951
00:53:40,722 --> 00:53:43,308
and you fucking lost your shit, man!"
952
00:53:50,482 --> 00:53:54,027
[normal voice] So... politically,
953
00:53:54,111 --> 00:53:59,283
this country is in a very delicate
situation at the moment.
954
00:53:59,366 --> 00:54:02,161
[chuckling]
It could go either fucking way.
955
00:54:02,244 --> 00:54:04,163
You got... you got two parties.
956
00:54:04,246 --> 00:54:05,873
You got the Democrats and Republicans.
957
00:54:05,956 --> 00:54:09,168
And all they do is talk about
two subjects over and over again.
958
00:54:09,251 --> 00:54:10,752
As long as they
talk about these two subjects,
959
00:54:10,836 --> 00:54:14,756
they're fucking you up the ass with
other things that you don't notice
960
00:54:14,840 --> 00:54:16,592
because you're so fucking...
961
00:54:16,675 --> 00:54:18,719
And the rest of the world
isn't as fixated...
962
00:54:18,802 --> 00:54:23,265
Okay, two subjects.
Abortion, guns. Abortion, guns. Right?
963
00:54:23,348 --> 00:54:25,058
And so, the Democrats,
964
00:54:25,142 --> 00:54:29,354
they wanna have gun restrictions,
and they don't care about abortion.
965
00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:33,192
And the Republicans,
they hate abortion, and they love guns.
966
00:54:33,275 --> 00:54:36,320
And so, we've got a problem here, right?
967
00:54:36,403 --> 00:54:37,779
Because the Democrats are like,
968
00:54:37,863 --> 00:54:42,451
"Come on, you don't need a machine gun,
and you know you don't.
969
00:54:42,534 --> 00:54:46,788
And if your dad fucks you,
you don't have to keep that. That's cool."
970
00:54:50,876 --> 00:54:52,753
[audience cheering]
971
00:54:56,298 --> 00:54:57,925
And the Republicans are like,
972
00:54:58,008 --> 00:55:01,845
"All life is precious,
unless it steps on my property."
973
00:55:01,929 --> 00:55:03,597
[audience laughing]
974
00:55:05,390 --> 00:55:07,184
[audience cheering]
975
00:55:12,481 --> 00:55:14,316
And then...
976
00:55:15,526 --> 00:55:17,319
you got Donald Trump.
977
00:55:21,532 --> 00:55:24,785
Now... every time
I've recorded a special...
978
00:55:24,868 --> 00:55:26,495
The other specials
I've recorded in America
979
00:55:26,578 --> 00:55:29,122
have been in New York,
San Francisco and Boston.
980
00:55:29,206 --> 00:55:32,334
And everyone's called me
a fucking pussy...
981
00:55:32,417 --> 00:55:34,336
with my liberal agenda.
982
00:55:35,754 --> 00:55:38,090
Well, I'm in fucking Nashville right now.
983
00:55:38,173 --> 00:55:39,925
[audience cheering]
984
00:55:49,142 --> 00:55:53,564
And if you wanna shoot me,
now is the perfect time.
985
00:55:54,773 --> 00:55:57,150
[chuckling] There's eight cameras on me.
986
00:55:58,402 --> 00:56:00,153
[audience laughing]
987
00:56:00,237 --> 00:56:01,530
[man whoops]
988
00:56:01,613 --> 00:56:03,907
I think we're good.
I think we're good.
989
00:56:03,991 --> 00:56:06,577
Isn't it sad that the country
has gotten to the stage
990
00:56:06,660 --> 00:56:11,707
that when you buy theater tickets, you go,
"Get ones in the aisle, so we can run"?
991
00:56:11,790 --> 00:56:13,083
Everyone wanted to get the middle.
992
00:56:13,166 --> 00:56:16,295
We're like, "No, you're sitting ducks
in the middle..."
993
00:56:19,047 --> 00:56:20,924
So anyway, Donald Trump.
994
00:56:21,008 --> 00:56:23,093
Now, don't get me wrong.
995
00:56:23,176 --> 00:56:24,845
He's a lot of fun.
996
00:56:24,928 --> 00:56:26,555
[audience laughing]
997
00:56:26,638 --> 00:56:28,932
And there's a little bit of me...
998
00:56:29,016 --> 00:56:33,687
[stuttering]
There's a little bit of me that thinks...
999
00:56:33,770 --> 00:56:35,647
"Fuck it, let's do it.
1000
00:56:35,731 --> 00:56:37,441
[audience laughing]
1001
00:56:40,235 --> 00:56:43,697
Let's do it and see
how fucking crazy shit can get."
1002
00:56:43,780 --> 00:56:45,490
[audience laughing]
1003
00:56:51,830 --> 00:56:55,083
Because he's just...
because what happens is,
1004
00:56:55,167 --> 00:56:58,170
he says really simple shit
that means nothing,
1005
00:56:58,253 --> 00:57:00,797
and then, fucking dummies... right?
1006
00:57:00,881 --> 00:57:02,799
If you've ever said this sentence,
1007
00:57:02,883 --> 00:57:04,968
"I like him
because he's a straight talker,"
1008
00:57:05,052 --> 00:57:06,970
you're as dumb as shit.
1009
00:57:07,054 --> 00:57:08,305
[audience laughing]
1010
00:57:08,388 --> 00:57:09,723
[audience cheering and applauding]
1011
00:57:12,601 --> 00:57:13,810
This...
1012
00:57:18,857 --> 00:57:24,738
Just because someone says
something simple that you understand...
1013
00:57:26,490 --> 00:57:28,200
doesn't mean they're a straight talker.
1014
00:57:28,283 --> 00:57:30,827
You can say a complex thing
and be telling the truth.
1015
00:57:31,662 --> 00:57:34,456
But, because he goes,
"I'm gonna make America great again."
1016
00:57:34,539 --> 00:57:37,918
And you're like,
"I got every word in that sentence."
1017
00:57:38,001 --> 00:57:39,795
[audience laughing]
1018
00:57:42,089 --> 00:57:44,424
He's like, "I'm gonna build a wall."
1019
00:57:44,508 --> 00:57:46,426
"I have a wall at home.
1020
00:57:51,139 --> 00:57:53,183
You're a straight talker."
1021
00:57:55,185 --> 00:57:58,313
And then he just says shit...
1022
00:57:58,397 --> 00:58:01,191
that... it won't happen.
1023
00:58:01,274 --> 00:58:04,361
"Gonna build a wall
and Mexico's gonna pay for it."
1024
00:58:06,989 --> 00:58:10,450
Who... I haven't heard a Mexican yet go,
"Ah, yeah, we got this."
1025
00:58:10,534 --> 00:58:12,911
What are you talking about?
1026
00:58:12,995 --> 00:58:16,665
What the fuck are you talking about?
That's just saying shit.
1027
00:58:16,748 --> 00:58:19,835
He's like a kid running
for class president,
1028
00:58:19,918 --> 00:58:24,047
who's just walking around, going,
"And we're gonna have two lunches.
1029
00:58:25,215 --> 00:58:27,426
- And...
- [audience cheering]
1030
00:58:31,138 --> 00:58:35,434
there's gonna be a soda machine
in every classroom.
1031
00:58:35,517 --> 00:58:37,686
Nashville football rules!"
1032
00:58:43,275 --> 00:58:45,527
But here's where it doesn't get fun.
1033
00:58:46,445 --> 00:58:48,155
And that's all. It's good fun.
1034
00:58:48,238 --> 00:58:50,949
But here's where it's not fun, right?
1035
00:58:51,033 --> 00:58:54,911
What he does is, he preys on fear.
As soon as he...
1036
00:58:54,995 --> 00:58:58,665
In the beginning, it was, "Oh, Mexicans,
they're coming over and raping."
1037
00:58:58,749 --> 00:59:01,501
And then there was a terrorist attack,
and he went,
1038
00:59:01,585 --> 00:59:02,836
"Oh, fuck, I'll go after the Muslims.
1039
00:59:02,919 --> 00:59:04,796
We should kill the families of Muslims."
1040
00:59:04,880 --> 00:59:07,716
Which, by the way,
you're not allowed to do.
1041
00:59:08,633 --> 00:59:11,970
And then he started saying,
after the Paris attacks,
1042
00:59:12,054 --> 00:59:15,265
"We should put every Muslim on a register,
1043
00:59:15,348 --> 00:59:17,809
and we shouldn't let more refugees
come from Syria,
1044
00:59:17,893 --> 00:59:21,438
and the Muslims that live here
on a register..."
1045
00:59:21,521 --> 00:59:25,358
[stutters] That means ISIS win.
1046
00:59:25,442 --> 00:59:29,821
As soon as he says that,
ISIS have fucking won.
1047
00:59:29,905 --> 00:59:33,241
Right? Because their plan
to shoot people in Paris,
1048
00:59:33,325 --> 00:59:35,077
that's not their end plan.
1049
00:59:35,160 --> 00:59:38,413
They didn't kill 128 people and go,
"Ah, well, that's done."
1050
00:59:38,497 --> 00:59:39,623
You know what I mean?
1051
00:59:39,706 --> 00:59:41,958
It's a recruitment tool.
1052
00:59:42,042 --> 00:59:47,589
And the recruitment tool
can only work if hate is bred.
1053
00:59:47,672 --> 00:59:50,634
Right? What he does is, he says,
"Oh, we're gonna ban them.
1054
00:59:50,717 --> 00:59:51,885
We're not gonna let more in the country.
1055
00:59:51,968 --> 00:59:53,303
The ones here have to be on a register."
1056
00:59:53,386 --> 00:59:57,099
Now, you're a 16-year-old boy or girl
that's a Muslim living in this country.
1057
00:59:57,182 --> 00:59:59,684
You've lived your entire life
in this country.
1058
00:59:59,768 --> 01:00:02,104
You've always
considered yourself American.
1059
01:00:02,187 --> 01:00:05,524
Then all of a sudden,
someone who could be your president says
1060
01:00:05,607 --> 01:00:10,237
you are not welcome here
and that you should be put on a register.
1061
01:00:10,320 --> 01:00:11,363
Now, that kid...
1062
01:00:11,446 --> 01:00:15,075
How fucking quickly do you think
that kid could be radicalized now?
1063
01:00:15,158 --> 01:00:17,494
Before, he wasn't gonna be
radicalized at all.
1064
01:00:17,577 --> 01:00:19,412
[audience cheering and applauding]
1065
01:00:24,709 --> 01:00:27,087
So what he's trying to do is,
1066
01:00:27,170 --> 01:00:31,174
he's trying to defeat hate with hate.
1067
01:00:31,258 --> 01:00:32,968
And hate doesn't beat hate.
1068
01:00:33,051 --> 01:00:36,096
It's never fucking beaten hate.
It just makes more hate.
1069
01:00:36,179 --> 01:00:40,392
Now, this might be the most hippie thing
that ever comes out of my mouth...
1070
01:00:42,269 --> 01:00:45,355
but it's true.
The only thing that can beat hate is love.
1071
01:00:45,438 --> 01:00:49,776
- Now, love doesn't always beat hate, eh?
- [audience cheering]
1072
01:00:50,861 --> 01:00:54,614
It doesn't always beat hate,
but it does do something. Right?
1073
01:00:54,698 --> 01:00:57,200
Now, think about your own personal life.
1074
01:00:57,284 --> 01:01:00,203
Think about a person who hates you
and you hate them.
1075
01:01:00,287 --> 01:01:02,873
From now on,
just show that person nothing but love.
1076
01:01:02,956 --> 01:01:05,709
I'm not saying that
that person will start loving you.
1077
01:01:05,792 --> 01:01:08,128
They'll probably still fucking hate you.
1078
01:01:09,045 --> 01:01:10,463
But one thing will happen.
1079
01:01:10,547 --> 01:01:13,800
Eventually, everyone will see them
as the asshole.
1080
01:01:15,218 --> 01:01:18,346
Don't be the asshole, America.
Don't be the asshole.
1081
01:01:18,430 --> 01:01:20,140
[audience cheering and applauding]
1082
01:01:24,853 --> 01:01:30,775
So... to summarize,
you can only beat hate with love.
1083
01:01:30,859 --> 01:01:33,904
Now, in saying that, I hate Muslims.
1084
01:01:33,987 --> 01:01:35,614
[audience laughing]
1085
01:01:37,199 --> 01:01:39,868
Hang on, hang on.
I didn't finish me sentence.
1086
01:01:40,869 --> 01:01:42,621
I hate Muslims, Christians,
1087
01:01:42,704 --> 01:01:46,583
I hate the Amish, Buddhists,
the snake people, Jews.
1088
01:01:46,666 --> 01:01:50,545
I don't know who I've missed here.
Sikhs. I hate all.
1089
01:01:52,672 --> 01:01:55,884
Our fight in this world
is not against Islam,
1090
01:01:55,967 --> 01:01:57,469
it's against religion.
1091
01:01:57,552 --> 01:02:00,430
- Be very clear about this.
- [audience cheering]
1092
01:02:04,059 --> 01:02:06,895
'Cause I can tell you this for sure.
1093
01:02:06,978 --> 01:02:11,942
No one's head has ever been cut off
in the name of atheism.
1094
01:02:12,025 --> 01:02:15,820
No one has ever cut into human flesh,
1095
01:02:15,904 --> 01:02:20,450
and looked on camera and gone,
"In the name of nothing!"
1096
01:02:20,533 --> 01:02:22,410
[audience laughing]
1097
01:02:24,371 --> 01:02:26,248
[audience cheering]
1098
01:02:31,127 --> 01:02:34,589
Now, let me be clear about this.
If you're religious...
1099
01:02:34,673 --> 01:02:37,926
Some of you might be very nice,
but you're slowing us down.
1100
01:02:38,009 --> 01:02:39,928
[audience laughing]
1101
01:02:40,011 --> 01:02:44,266
We're trying to move forward,
and you're in the fucking way. I'm sorry.
1102
01:02:44,349 --> 01:02:48,561
See, there's a lie that you'll be told
throughout your life
1103
01:02:48,645 --> 01:02:50,647
that will go along
the lines of this...
1104
01:02:50,730 --> 01:02:51,982
"We have to save the planet."
1105
01:02:52,065 --> 01:02:54,359
There's no bigger lie than
"we have to save the planet."
1106
01:02:54,442 --> 01:02:58,655
We don't have to save the planet.
We have to save us, the human race.
1107
01:02:58,738 --> 01:03:01,992
The planet does not give a fuck about us,
1108
01:03:02,075 --> 01:03:04,661
and it will be happy when we're gone.
1109
01:03:04,744 --> 01:03:06,121
[audience laughing]
1110
01:03:06,204 --> 01:03:08,206
We are in the planet's way.
1111
01:03:08,290 --> 01:03:10,083
Have you seen those documentaries
where they go,
1112
01:03:10,166 --> 01:03:12,919
"This is what New York will look like
one year after the human race dies,"
1113
01:03:13,003 --> 01:03:15,088
and it's all covered in vines and shit?
1114
01:03:15,171 --> 01:03:16,423
The planet wants us gone.
1115
01:03:16,506 --> 01:03:20,593
As soon as we're gone, the planet will go,
"I'm gonna do dinosaurs again."
1116
01:03:20,677 --> 01:03:22,178
Right? Like...
1117
01:03:27,934 --> 01:03:29,561
So we have to save ourselves
1118
01:03:29,644 --> 01:03:32,689
in spite of the planet
trying to kick us the fuck off.
1119
01:03:32,772 --> 01:03:33,815
Right?
1120
01:03:33,898 --> 01:03:35,650
Now, imagine that...
1121
01:03:37,444 --> 01:03:40,905
the world is a train track
and society is a train.
1122
01:03:40,989 --> 01:03:44,367
As society has always had to do,
the train has to move forward.
1123
01:03:44,451 --> 01:03:46,119
'Cause if it stops moving forward,
1124
01:03:46,202 --> 01:03:48,538
we'll run out of resources
around the train
1125
01:03:48,621 --> 01:03:50,040
'cause we'll be stationary.
1126
01:03:50,123 --> 01:03:54,002
And the gears will lock up,
and the vines will take over.
1127
01:03:54,085 --> 01:03:55,628
So it has to keep going forward.
1128
01:03:55,712 --> 01:03:56,963
Now, in this train,
1129
01:03:57,047 --> 01:04:00,675
we have the people in the engine room,
who are running the show.
1130
01:04:00,759 --> 01:04:04,471
And those people in our society
who run the show are scientists.
1131
01:04:04,554 --> 01:04:06,139
These are the people inventing
1132
01:04:06,222 --> 01:04:10,018
medicines for you to live longer,
and surgeries for you to live longer
1133
01:04:10,101 --> 01:04:13,480
and finding alternative fuel sources.
1134
01:04:13,563 --> 01:04:17,108
And engineers that are making machines
that run more efficiently.
1135
01:04:17,192 --> 01:04:19,152
Right? Now,
all those people are scientists.
1136
01:04:19,235 --> 01:04:24,866
Now, whether you like it or not,
scientists are primarily atheists.
1137
01:04:24,949 --> 01:04:27,786
And they're in the front carriage,
dragging us along.
1138
01:04:27,869 --> 01:04:30,121
Now, in the second carriage,
1139
01:04:30,205 --> 01:04:34,501
we have a bunch of cunts that
I don't think get fucking enough flak.
1140
01:04:36,086 --> 01:04:37,420
Agnostics.
1141
01:04:38,546 --> 01:04:40,882
These fucking wishy-washy fucks.
1142
01:04:40,965 --> 01:04:42,842
[audience laughing]
1143
01:04:45,595 --> 01:04:49,808
They're all standing around
in the second carriage, going, "Who knows?
1144
01:04:51,267 --> 01:04:53,770
Maybe there is a god.
Maybe there isn't a god.
1145
01:04:53,853 --> 01:04:56,898
Maybe your god and your god
are the same god, but...
1146
01:04:56,981 --> 01:05:00,235
I know there was a Big Bang,
but who made the Big Bang?
1147
01:05:00,318 --> 01:05:04,656
I wouldn't consider myself, you know,
religious, but I am spiritual."
1148
01:05:04,739 --> 01:05:05,907
And...
1149
01:05:07,534 --> 01:05:09,327
then there's this last carriage,
1150
01:05:09,411 --> 01:05:13,748
and the last carriage is 50 times bigger
than the other two carriages combined.
1151
01:05:13,832 --> 01:05:18,336
And it's carrying the rest
of the population of the human race.
1152
01:05:18,420 --> 01:05:22,048
And it's filled with cunts
wearing hats for reasons they don't know
1153
01:05:22,132 --> 01:05:25,427
and growing beards
because they think they have to.
1154
01:05:25,510 --> 01:05:28,388
Some of the women are covering their faces
and cowering.
1155
01:05:28,471 --> 01:05:31,933
Everyone's dancing around going,
"Man on a cloud. Man on a cloud."
1156
01:05:32,016 --> 01:05:38,398
And there are so many of these cunts
that the train is hardly fucking moving!
1157
01:05:40,233 --> 01:05:43,153
And the people in the engine room
are like this...
1158
01:05:43,903 --> 01:05:47,615
[sighing]
"If I just pull this peg here...
1159
01:05:47,699 --> 01:05:48,783
[audience laughing]
1160
01:05:48,867 --> 01:05:50,410
[inaudible]
1161
01:05:55,707 --> 01:05:59,169
do you know how fast we'd be moving?"
[chuckles]
1162
01:06:01,171 --> 01:06:05,216
Oh, well... I'm not gonna change
people's opinions, I guess.
1163
01:06:05,300 --> 01:06:06,968
I don't fucking...
1164
01:06:10,513 --> 01:06:12,599
Now...
1165
01:06:12,682 --> 01:06:14,893
with the hate mail
that I get from the guns,
1166
01:06:14,976 --> 01:06:16,686
they always start the same way.
1167
01:06:16,769 --> 01:06:18,188
It always makes me laugh.
1168
01:06:18,271 --> 01:06:22,609
Every letter starts with, "Hey, buddy,
you shouldn't even say anything.
1169
01:06:22,692 --> 01:06:24,527
You're not from here."
1170
01:06:24,611 --> 01:06:25,778
[audience laughing]
1171
01:06:28,490 --> 01:06:30,200
That is the weakest argument ever.
1172
01:06:30,283 --> 01:06:35,205
Okay, as Americans, from now on,
don't use that argument. All right?
1173
01:06:35,288 --> 01:06:37,332
Because you're Americans.
1174
01:06:37,415 --> 01:06:41,544
It's not like, historically,
you've kept your opinions to yourself.
1175
01:06:43,588 --> 01:06:46,508
It's not like I've ever been
in a party in the UK
1176
01:06:46,591 --> 01:06:48,593
and there's an American guy there,
and I've heard this sentence,
1177
01:06:48,676 --> 01:06:49,928
"Jeez, he's a quiet chap."
1178
01:06:50,011 --> 01:06:51,721
[audience laughing]
1179
01:06:53,306 --> 01:06:56,142
[chuckling]
You're the loudest people on Earth, so...
1180
01:06:58,186 --> 01:07:03,024
And then they always say this,
and this fucking spins me out.
1181
01:07:03,107 --> 01:07:06,778
"Well, I don't expect an Australian
to understand freedom."
1182
01:07:06,861 --> 01:07:08,696
[audience laughing]
1183
01:07:11,533 --> 01:07:14,327
What are you talking about?
1184
01:07:14,410 --> 01:07:17,455
You constantly say "freedom" all the time,
like you're...
1185
01:07:17,539 --> 01:07:20,542
"Oh, we're so free. We fight for freedom.
Freedom.
1186
01:07:20,625 --> 01:07:24,003
Come to the freedom lounge
at the airport." Like, fucking what?
1187
01:07:24,087 --> 01:07:27,257
You know when you're singing
the national anthem at the baseball
1188
01:07:27,340 --> 01:07:31,302
and the person holds the note "free"
a little bit longer than they should,
1189
01:07:31,386 --> 01:07:35,139
until all you Americans
fucking come in your pants?
1190
01:07:38,643 --> 01:07:42,814
♪ For the land of the free ♪
1191
01:07:42,897 --> 01:07:44,232
[grunting]
1192
01:07:44,315 --> 01:07:46,109
[audience laughing]
1193
01:07:47,652 --> 01:07:49,195
"We're so free."
1194
01:07:54,075 --> 01:07:56,411
Freedom this, freedom that,
free, free, free.
1195
01:07:56,494 --> 01:08:01,416
Now, I hate to break it to you,
'cause I don't think you know this.
1196
01:08:03,251 --> 01:08:04,794
[sighing]
1197
01:08:04,877 --> 01:08:08,506
There are 92 free countries on the planet.
1198
01:08:08,590 --> 01:08:10,466
Democratic, free countries.
1199
01:08:10,550 --> 01:08:13,344
You are one of them.
1200
01:08:13,428 --> 01:08:18,016
Every single English-speaking country
on Earth is free,
1201
01:08:18,099 --> 01:08:21,686
and most of the [clicks tongue]
countries are also free.
1202
01:08:21,769 --> 01:08:23,479
[audience laughing and applauding]
1203
01:08:27,025 --> 01:08:29,402
Now, you're very free.
1204
01:08:30,194 --> 01:08:31,779
Don't get upset.
1205
01:08:33,615 --> 01:08:36,242
And I have a wonderful...
I love America. I truly do.
1206
01:08:36,326 --> 01:08:38,828
I live here and love it.
I have nothing against...
1207
01:08:38,911 --> 01:08:42,123
And none of the things
I'm about to mention affect you...
1208
01:08:42,206 --> 01:08:45,460
affect me in any way, right?
1209
01:08:45,543 --> 01:08:48,171
You may not be the freest place on Earth.
1210
01:08:49,172 --> 01:08:51,090
[audience laughing]
1211
01:08:53,343 --> 01:08:55,094
Just a quick example,
1212
01:08:55,178 --> 01:08:58,806
out of the 92 free countries
on the planet,
1213
01:08:58,890 --> 01:09:01,976
you have the highest rate
of incarceration.
1214
01:09:02,060 --> 01:09:04,896
One percent of your adult population
is in prison.
1215
01:09:04,979 --> 01:09:09,484
That's double that of the country that
comes in second, which is South Africa.
1216
01:09:09,567 --> 01:09:13,279
If you've ever been to South Africa,
South Africa is fucked.
1217
01:09:13,363 --> 01:09:15,323
[audience laughing]
1218
01:09:15,406 --> 01:09:18,701
So you're double that of South Africa.
1219
01:09:18,785 --> 01:09:23,122
[chuckling] So, statistically,
in the land of the free,
1220
01:09:23,206 --> 01:09:26,000
you have the least amount of free people.
1221
01:09:26,084 --> 01:09:27,877
[audience laughing]
1222
01:09:34,759 --> 01:09:39,806
Now, this is a super simple one.
Super simple argument.
1223
01:09:39,889 --> 01:09:42,016
In Holland,
1224
01:09:42,100 --> 01:09:46,437
you can smoke weed whilst fucking a hooker
1225
01:09:46,521 --> 01:09:48,231
in front of a cop.
1226
01:09:48,314 --> 01:09:50,316
[audience laughing]
1227
01:09:51,693 --> 01:09:55,196
How dare Holland not be called
the land of the free?
1228
01:09:56,864 --> 01:10:00,201
Do you honestly think
you're competing with Holland?
1229
01:10:03,496 --> 01:10:05,039
In Canada,
1230
01:10:05,123 --> 01:10:09,419
just last year, they legalized
assisted suicide for the sick,
1231
01:10:09,502 --> 01:10:12,213
which, I believe,
is the biggest freedom of them all.
1232
01:10:12,296 --> 01:10:13,423
It's your life.
1233
01:10:13,506 --> 01:10:17,093
No government, no religious group
should ever tell you...
1234
01:10:17,176 --> 01:10:18,803
[audience cheering and applauding]
1235
01:10:20,138 --> 01:10:22,265
when you get to check out.
1236
01:10:23,433 --> 01:10:26,352
If you're a pro-life person, good.
1237
01:10:26,436 --> 01:10:30,148
Do it with your life, not mine. Right?
1238
01:10:30,231 --> 01:10:32,692
- Now...
- [audience cheering and applauding]
1239
01:10:32,775 --> 01:10:33,818
'Cause...
1240
01:10:33,901 --> 01:10:35,570
Also, I don't think
they've thought about it.
1241
01:10:35,653 --> 01:10:39,449
I don't think there's even
the most evangelical Christian,
1242
01:10:39,532 --> 01:10:43,327
who's a burn victim, just hanging
on to life support in a hospital, just...
1243
01:10:43,411 --> 01:10:44,662
[gasping]
1244
01:10:44,746 --> 01:10:45,830
"I feel so free."
1245
01:10:48,249 --> 01:10:50,418
And I'm so glad
they're doing it in Canada,
1246
01:10:50,501 --> 01:10:55,173
because if I ever had an assisted suicide,
I'd want it to be a Canadian doctor.
1247
01:10:56,674 --> 01:10:58,760
I want some guy
rocking up to my house like,
1248
01:10:58,843 --> 01:11:01,304
[mock Canadian accent]
"Okay. All righty, then...
1249
01:11:03,014 --> 01:11:06,225
So I hear that someone's
given up on life, eh?
1250
01:11:07,977 --> 01:11:11,481
All right, let me set up my little
death machine here, and I'll...
1251
01:11:11,564 --> 01:11:15,026
I'm gonna put this in your vein,
and you're gonna be so sleepy so soon.
1252
01:11:15,109 --> 01:11:16,194
I tell you what, there."
1253
01:11:16,277 --> 01:11:17,862
[audience laughing]
1254
01:11:22,366 --> 01:11:27,872
In Australia, maybe 20 years ago,
they legalized prostitution.
1255
01:11:27,955 --> 01:11:31,375
They thought it'd be the downfall
of our society, but it wasn't.
1256
01:11:31,459 --> 01:11:33,252
It was a great thing.
In Sydney, where I grew up,
1257
01:11:33,336 --> 01:11:36,005
the streets always had hookers
walking around,
1258
01:11:36,088 --> 01:11:39,300
there was needles, and it was
a very seedy city in some parts.
1259
01:11:39,383 --> 01:11:41,594
And then they legalized prostitution.
1260
01:11:41,677 --> 01:11:43,805
They moved all the hookers into brothels.
1261
01:11:43,888 --> 01:11:47,934
And because they moved into brothels,
all the girls had to be tested for STDs.
1262
01:11:48,017 --> 01:11:51,312
And then, the guys,
they could see the tests as they go in,
1263
01:11:51,395 --> 01:11:52,730
so it was safer for the men.
1264
01:11:52,814 --> 01:11:54,273
But it was also safer for the women
1265
01:11:54,357 --> 01:11:56,484
'cause they put security
in these brothels.
1266
01:11:56,567 --> 01:11:58,861
So if you showed up like a drunk idiot,
they wouldn't let you in.
1267
01:11:58,945 --> 01:12:01,113
Or if you got aggro,
they'd kick you the fuck out.
1268
01:12:01,197 --> 01:12:03,282
So the girls were safer,
the men were safer.
1269
01:12:03,366 --> 01:12:06,953
Human trafficking was all but eliminated.
1270
01:12:07,036 --> 01:12:10,414
And tax revenue went up.
1271
01:12:10,498 --> 01:12:13,376
And the divorce rate dropped by 8%.
1272
01:12:13,459 --> 01:12:15,211
[audience laughing]
1273
01:12:16,879 --> 01:12:20,633
There is no downside
to legalized prostitution.
1274
01:12:20,716 --> 01:12:24,762
Now, in America,
prostitution is illegal...
1275
01:12:24,846 --> 01:12:26,514
unless you film it.
1276
01:12:28,349 --> 01:12:32,228
How is that possible?
How the fuck is that possible?
1277
01:12:32,311 --> 01:12:35,523
How do you have
the biggest porn industry in the world,
1278
01:12:35,606 --> 01:12:37,567
and you still have illegal prostitution?
1279
01:12:37,650 --> 01:12:40,319
Because it is legal
to pay a woman for sex,
1280
01:12:40,403 --> 01:12:43,155
but your friend Dave
has to be in the corner with a camera.
1281
01:12:43,239 --> 01:12:44,198
[audience laughing]
1282
01:12:44,282 --> 01:12:46,117
And Dave has to film it.
1283
01:12:46,200 --> 01:12:48,578
And Dave has to promise
to put it on the Internet,
1284
01:12:48,661 --> 01:12:50,496
'cause if Dave doesn't,
1285
01:12:50,580 --> 01:12:52,999
then a crime has been committed.
1286
01:12:53,082 --> 01:12:56,335
And that girl can be 18 years old.
1287
01:12:56,419 --> 01:13:00,131
And then, she can be surrounded
by ten men that she barely knows,
1288
01:13:00,214 --> 01:13:02,884
and they can all jack off onto her face
1289
01:13:02,967 --> 01:13:05,261
until she's glazed with come.
1290
01:13:05,344 --> 01:13:07,305
[audience laughing]
1291
01:13:07,388 --> 01:13:10,308
And no crime has been committed.
1292
01:13:11,642 --> 01:13:16,314
But in America, and only in America,
1293
01:13:16,397 --> 01:13:18,691
she's too young to have a beer.
1294
01:13:20,735 --> 01:13:23,613
If anyone deserves a beer...
1295
01:13:23,696 --> 01:13:25,197
[audience cheering and applauding]
1296
01:13:25,281 --> 01:13:29,702
in the land of the free,
the home of the brave...
1297
01:13:30,703 --> 01:13:33,789
it's the girl
with ten loads of come on her face.
1298
01:13:34,832 --> 01:13:37,293
In fact, if you have
ten loads of come on your face,
1299
01:13:37,376 --> 01:13:39,629
you should get free drinks
wherever you go.
1300
01:13:39,712 --> 01:13:41,297
[audience laughing]
1301
01:13:41,380 --> 01:13:43,466
You seem like a fun girl...
1302
01:13:44,675 --> 01:13:46,802
or a heavy sleeper.
1303
01:13:46,886 --> 01:13:48,638
[audience laughing]
1304
01:13:55,186 --> 01:13:56,938
Now...
1305
01:13:57,063 --> 01:13:58,606
before I go...
1306
01:14:00,066 --> 01:14:01,651
[sniffs] Um...
1307
01:14:03,235 --> 01:14:05,780
My son turned three,
1308
01:14:05,863 --> 01:14:09,659
and my girlfriend made me
write him a letter on his third birthday
1309
01:14:09,742 --> 01:14:11,535
for him to open when he was 18.
1310
01:14:11,619 --> 01:14:13,871
I don't know fucking why.
1311
01:14:13,955 --> 01:14:16,624
You know when chicks go,
"You need to do this thing"?
1312
01:14:16,707 --> 01:14:19,627
I'm like, "Why?
1313
01:14:19,710 --> 01:14:22,421
I have 15 years. Why?"
1314
01:14:22,505 --> 01:14:24,840
But I did it, you know.
So I wrote the letter.
1315
01:14:24,924 --> 01:14:28,010
And I'm really bad
at writing things on paper.
1316
01:14:28,094 --> 01:14:31,764
I've got terrible handwriting.
I'm basically illiterate and a fucking...
1317
01:14:32,848 --> 01:14:34,225
And so, I'm like,
1318
01:14:34,308 --> 01:14:38,354
"Dear Hank, so you're a man now.
1319
01:14:38,437 --> 01:14:41,399
I'm sure you've made me very proud.
1320
01:14:41,482 --> 01:14:44,860
Unless, of course,
you're a drug addict or something.
1321
01:14:45,861 --> 01:14:49,490
Come to think of it,
there are many ways to disappoint me.
1322
01:14:52,952 --> 01:14:56,539
Who knows?
I might be dead by now.
1323
01:14:56,622 --> 01:15:00,251
Or you might be dead,
and I'm reading this whilst crying."
1324
01:15:00,334 --> 01:15:02,128
[audience laughing]
1325
01:15:06,048 --> 01:15:07,216
I, um...
1326
01:15:08,217 --> 01:15:10,761
So, I'm writing the letter,
I just... I thought,
1327
01:15:10,845 --> 01:15:14,348
"Little life tips,
things that you should do in life."
1328
01:15:14,432 --> 01:15:16,600
So the next thing I wrote was this.
1329
01:15:16,684 --> 01:15:19,520
"A wise man once said,
1330
01:15:19,603 --> 01:15:21,605
'Try not to be a cunt.'"
1331
01:15:25,109 --> 01:15:26,610
[audience cheering]
1332
01:15:31,365 --> 01:15:34,618
And then, I just gave him
little bits of advice like,
1333
01:15:34,702 --> 01:15:37,079
"If you get a parking ticket,
pay it right away.
1334
01:15:37,163 --> 01:15:39,665
Don't leave it.
It's a pain in the ass.
1335
01:15:39,749 --> 01:15:42,710
And always love your mum."
And I mean this.
1336
01:15:42,793 --> 01:15:47,214
If my son's watching this at 18 right now,
watching me perform...
1337
01:15:47,298 --> 01:15:52,470
No person has ever loved you
more than your mother loves you,
1338
01:15:52,553 --> 01:15:54,972
so you always be good to that woman.
1339
01:15:55,056 --> 01:15:56,807
- And then...
- [audience cheering and applauding]
1340
01:15:59,727 --> 01:16:01,562
And then, I wrote about...
1341
01:16:01,645 --> 01:16:03,272
I just thought I'd tell him about
1342
01:16:03,355 --> 01:16:05,357
the good and bad things in my life,
1343
01:16:05,441 --> 01:16:08,027
and the things I did well
and didn't do well.
1344
01:16:08,110 --> 01:16:10,237
And I've been very open about this,
1345
01:16:10,321 --> 01:16:12,990
and I feel like by being open about this,
it helps others.
1346
01:16:13,074 --> 01:16:16,202
I don't know, but I've always...
1347
01:16:16,285 --> 01:16:20,247
Fairly severe depression my whole life.
Suicidal at times.
1348
01:16:20,331 --> 01:16:23,501
And, it's a very selfish thing,
depression,
1349
01:16:23,584 --> 01:16:26,879
because I know my life's good
and I can't wrap my brain around it.
1350
01:16:26,962 --> 01:16:29,381
I just... I don't...
1351
01:16:29,465 --> 01:16:31,342
Right now, my brain's going,
1352
01:16:31,425 --> 01:16:34,220
"Maybe this special
isn't as good as the last one."
1353
01:16:35,554 --> 01:16:37,973
And so, I've never really enjoyed success.
1354
01:16:38,057 --> 01:16:41,102
I've never really had pure happiness
like some people do.
1355
01:16:41,185 --> 01:16:43,938
[stutters] I'm such a pessimist.
1356
01:16:44,021 --> 01:16:45,731
When you meet these people who go,
1357
01:16:45,815 --> 01:16:50,152
"You're such a glass-half-empty
sort of guy."
1358
01:16:50,236 --> 01:16:53,364
I'm like,
"These glass-half-full cunts, fuck them."
1359
01:16:53,447 --> 01:16:55,366
[audience laughing]
1360
01:16:55,449 --> 01:16:56,659
You know what I mean?
1361
01:16:56,742 --> 01:16:59,912
I've never met
a successful glass-half-full cunt.
1362
01:16:59,995 --> 01:17:03,249
You'll never be anything
if you think the glass is half full.
1363
01:17:03,332 --> 01:17:04,834
If you want to get ahead,
1364
01:17:04,917 --> 01:17:08,212
walk in the room and go,
"Why isn't that fucking glass full?"
1365
01:17:11,882 --> 01:17:15,219
Anyway, so I thought about
what would make me happy,
1366
01:17:15,302 --> 01:17:18,347
what would've made me happy,
what makes other people happy.
1367
01:17:18,430 --> 01:17:22,768
And so I wrote to him, I said,
"I think the secret to happiness is this.
1368
01:17:25,187 --> 01:17:27,982
The secret to happiness...
1369
01:17:28,065 --> 01:17:29,900
is being good-looking.
1370
01:17:29,984 --> 01:17:31,569
[audience laughing]
1371
01:17:32,736 --> 01:17:36,198
Now, throughout your life,
people will lie to you and say things like
1372
01:17:36,282 --> 01:17:40,035
'kindness,' or 'being good to others,'
or 'family' or some shit."
1373
01:17:41,620 --> 01:17:43,747
[audience laughing]
1374
01:17:43,831 --> 01:17:47,418
The only way to truly be happy
in this world is to be good-looking.
1375
01:17:47,501 --> 01:17:49,587
Now, in this world, we have everything
1376
01:17:49,670 --> 01:17:51,672
from one,
being the ugliest person on Earth,
1377
01:17:51,755 --> 01:17:53,716
to ten,
being the best-looking person on Earth,
1378
01:17:53,799 --> 01:17:56,093
and we have everything in between.
1379
01:17:56,177 --> 01:17:57,261
And there's very few ones,
1380
01:17:57,344 --> 01:17:59,096
very few twos,
and very few threes.
1381
01:17:59,180 --> 01:18:03,267
And four, five, six
is the meat of the bell curve.
1382
01:18:03,350 --> 01:18:06,270
That's where 95% of the population
is average-looking.
1383
01:18:06,353 --> 01:18:08,689
Four, five, six,
and seven, eight, nine, ten.
1384
01:18:08,772 --> 01:18:13,277
Now... I've been looking out
at the audience here.
1385
01:18:13,360 --> 01:18:15,196
[audience laughing]
1386
01:18:15,279 --> 01:18:16,655
Uh...
1387
01:18:16,739 --> 01:18:19,241
Pretty good. Like...
I've spotted an eight.
1388
01:18:20,284 --> 01:18:22,995
Or what they call an LA six.
1389
01:18:23,078 --> 01:18:24,997
- I...
- [audience laughing]
1390
01:18:26,832 --> 01:18:28,542
But, uh...
1391
01:18:28,626 --> 01:18:31,420
I spotted an eight.
That's pretty good in Nashville, man.
1392
01:18:31,503 --> 01:18:33,047
Don't be offended.
1393
01:18:33,130 --> 01:18:35,966
Tens are super rare.
1394
01:18:36,050 --> 01:18:38,719
There's never been a ten
in my audience, ever.
1395
01:18:38,802 --> 01:18:40,804
I don't think tens
come to things like this.
1396
01:18:40,888 --> 01:18:45,184
I think tens are sitting at home
with other tens going, "I'm so happy."
1397
01:18:45,267 --> 01:18:46,936
- Eh?
- [audience laughing]
1398
01:18:51,273 --> 01:18:53,734
And nines are as rare as tens, almost.
1399
01:18:53,817 --> 01:18:55,694
A nine is just an imperfect ten.
1400
01:18:55,778 --> 01:18:58,197
A nine is like a ten with a fucked-up toe.
1401
01:18:58,280 --> 01:19:00,157
[audience laughing]
1402
01:19:02,743 --> 01:19:04,286
So, an eight's pretty good.
1403
01:19:04,370 --> 01:19:07,081
Now, regrettably...
1404
01:19:08,582 --> 01:19:11,710
- there is a two in the audience.
- [audience laughing]
1405
01:19:12,670 --> 01:19:15,089
Now, I'm not gonna point you out.
1406
01:19:15,172 --> 01:19:17,549
- You know who you are.
- [audience laughing]
1407
01:19:21,887 --> 01:19:25,516
There are no ones.
Ones are as rare as tens.
1408
01:19:25,599 --> 01:19:28,686
I've seen about five ones in my life.
1409
01:19:30,145 --> 01:19:33,357
They... Ones don't really leave the house.
They...
1410
01:19:34,775 --> 01:19:37,987
- they know they upset the rest of us.
- [audience laughing]
1411
01:19:39,655 --> 01:19:41,240
The only time you catch a one
1412
01:19:41,323 --> 01:19:44,868
is they're going to
a doctor's appointment or something.
1413
01:19:44,952 --> 01:19:46,662
And it really is upsetting.
1414
01:19:46,745 --> 01:19:50,082
You walk by, they're normally
being lifted out of a minivan
1415
01:19:50,165 --> 01:19:53,002
with a special crane onto a special chair.
1416
01:19:53,085 --> 01:19:58,090
And when you see a one,
it does ruin your day, doesn't it?
1417
01:19:59,133 --> 01:20:02,678
You walk by the one
and you're like, "Oh, fuck me.
1418
01:20:05,431 --> 01:20:08,684
Oh, that's a fucking one
if ever I've seen one."
1419
01:20:10,060 --> 01:20:12,688
You get to work and you can't focus,
1420
01:20:12,771 --> 01:20:14,023
and your boss is like, "What's wrong?"
1421
01:20:14,106 --> 01:20:17,568
And you're like,
"I saw a fucking one, didn't I?"
1422
01:20:17,651 --> 01:20:19,903
And they're like,
"Oh, it couldn't have been that..."
1423
01:20:19,987 --> 01:20:22,573
"It was that bad!
1424
01:20:22,656 --> 01:20:24,241
You weren't there!
1425
01:20:24,325 --> 01:20:27,119
This is bullshit!
I was gonna eat today."
1426
01:20:30,414 --> 01:20:32,624
Now, in case anyone's wondering...
1427
01:20:33,709 --> 01:20:35,669
and I know you're not...
1428
01:20:36,795 --> 01:20:38,547
I'm a five.
1429
01:20:39,465 --> 01:20:41,717
The reason I know I'm a five
is 'cause, as I said,
1430
01:20:41,800 --> 01:20:44,887
95% of the population is four, five, six,
1431
01:20:44,970 --> 01:20:46,555
an average-looking human being.
1432
01:20:46,638 --> 01:20:48,599
Now, the reason I know I'm a five is this.
1433
01:20:48,682 --> 01:20:52,269
When I walk past people, nothing happens.
1434
01:20:52,353 --> 01:20:54,063
[audience laughing]
1435
01:20:56,774 --> 01:20:59,651
People don't get upset,
nor do they get disappointed.
1436
01:20:59,735 --> 01:21:02,363
We all move on with our lives.
1437
01:21:02,446 --> 01:21:04,365
I have hair.
1438
01:21:04,448 --> 01:21:06,825
But it's shit hair.
1439
01:21:06,909 --> 01:21:08,911
Five!
1440
01:21:08,994 --> 01:21:10,329
I have teeth.
1441
01:21:10,412 --> 01:21:13,332
They're a little yellow.
They're a little crooked.
1442
01:21:13,415 --> 01:21:15,250
But they're all there!
1443
01:21:16,251 --> 01:21:18,212
- Five!
- [audience laughing]
1444
01:21:19,963 --> 01:21:22,841
I have eyes.
They do not sparkle.
1445
01:21:22,925 --> 01:21:27,429
- But they do face in the same direction.
- [audience laughing]
1446
01:21:29,807 --> 01:21:31,975
Five!
1447
01:21:32,559 --> 01:21:36,355
And because I'm a five,
that means society has deemed it okay
1448
01:21:36,438 --> 01:21:39,483
for me and other fives
to get into dimly-lit rooms...
1449
01:21:39,566 --> 01:21:41,693
and we can fuck each other.
1450
01:21:41,777 --> 01:21:43,320
And no one gets upset.
They're like,
1451
01:21:43,404 --> 01:21:47,449
"Oh, it's a couple of fives fucking.
Let them have their fun."
1452
01:21:47,533 --> 01:21:50,911
And we get in there
with our average five bodies, like just...
1453
01:21:50,994 --> 01:21:54,915
My little gut resting
on her fucking imperfect floppy ass,
1454
01:21:54,998 --> 01:21:57,000
and we're just fucking.
1455
01:21:57,084 --> 01:22:01,130
We're sweating on each other
'cause neither of us work out.
1456
01:22:01,839 --> 01:22:04,633
Just grabbing onto an average tit, like...
[groaning]
1457
01:22:06,718 --> 01:22:08,679
And the two of us are thinking about,
1458
01:22:08,762 --> 01:22:11,932
a seven that we know
that we actually want to fuck.
1459
01:22:12,891 --> 01:22:15,644
I'm like, "Maybe if she
gets depressed or something,
1460
01:22:15,727 --> 01:22:17,354
I could swoop in there. That would be..."
1461
01:22:18,313 --> 01:22:22,568
'Cause us fives, we do not
think about the nines and the tens
1462
01:22:22,651 --> 01:22:25,529
- because we dare not touch the sun.
- [audience laughing]
1463
01:22:28,949 --> 01:22:30,117
Now...
1464
01:22:31,243 --> 01:22:34,037
I'm a minor celebrity,
1465
01:22:34,121 --> 01:22:37,332
so that means I get to fuck sixes.
1466
01:22:41,879 --> 01:22:43,672
I fuck the shit out of sixes.
1467
01:22:43,755 --> 01:22:46,425
People go, "He's off the telly.
He can fuck a six."
1468
01:22:49,511 --> 01:22:52,306
Fucked some sevens?
Yeah, I fucked some sevens.
1469
01:22:52,389 --> 01:22:54,183
Couple of eights.
1470
01:22:54,266 --> 01:22:55,726
One nine!
1471
01:22:56,643 --> 01:22:59,730
Best day ever. I fucked a nine.
1472
01:22:59,813 --> 01:23:00,814
Now...
1473
01:23:05,569 --> 01:23:07,488
I'm also a drinker.
1474
01:23:07,571 --> 01:23:09,281
So...
1475
01:23:09,364 --> 01:23:11,867
I have fucked some fours...
1476
01:23:11,950 --> 01:23:13,535
[audience laughing]
1477
01:23:15,621 --> 01:23:17,539
a shitload of threes...
1478
01:23:20,375 --> 01:23:21,793
and one two.
1479
01:23:24,630 --> 01:23:27,758
And when I fucked the two,
that was the lowest point in my life.
1480
01:23:27,841 --> 01:23:32,846
[chuckling] I gave up drinking
for 18 months after I fucked the two.
1481
01:23:32,930 --> 01:23:34,890
That's how important it is
to be good-looking.
1482
01:23:34,973 --> 01:23:37,559
I fucked a two
and my whole self-esteem was ruined...
1483
01:23:38,769 --> 01:23:41,063
Oh, wait, I remember
when I fucked the two,
1484
01:23:41,146 --> 01:23:42,731
I woke up in the... Hey, hang on.
1485
01:23:42,814 --> 01:23:45,859
I'm still writing the letter
to my son, by the way.
1486
01:23:45,943 --> 01:23:47,319
[audience laughing]
1487
01:23:54,701 --> 01:23:58,455
So, I remember when I fucked the two,
Hank. And I woke up...
1488
01:24:00,040 --> 01:24:01,083
next to her.
1489
01:24:01,166 --> 01:24:04,336
And I rolled over...
I was hungover, like, "Oh, what happened?"
1490
01:24:04,419 --> 01:24:07,339
And then I saw her and went,
"Oh, no! Fuck this!" And then...
1491
01:24:08,757 --> 01:24:11,468
And I went into the fetal position.
I started... [groaning]
1492
01:24:11,552 --> 01:24:14,721
"It's a fucking two.
That's a two. That's a two."
1493
01:24:15,973 --> 01:24:19,059
Everybody in this world
likes to think they're a good person.
1494
01:24:19,142 --> 01:24:22,563
Not all of us are good people.
We all think we're a good person.
1495
01:24:22,688 --> 01:24:24,147
And so my brain did this.
1496
01:24:24,231 --> 01:24:26,900
"Come on, Jim. You're better than this.
1497
01:24:28,485 --> 01:24:30,445
Maybe if you talk to it.
1498
01:24:30,529 --> 01:24:32,197
[audience laughing]
1499
01:24:33,949 --> 01:24:37,411
Maybe you'll find out
the thing has dreams or feelings.
1500
01:24:39,538 --> 01:24:41,832
Give that a go."
1501
01:24:41,915 --> 01:24:45,127
So I rolled over
with the best of intentions, like,
1502
01:24:45,210 --> 01:24:48,046
"Hey, do you...
Oh, no! Fuck off! No way, man."
1503
01:24:51,592 --> 01:24:54,970
And she tried to comfort me
with her claw, just...
1504
01:24:55,053 --> 01:24:56,763
[audience laughing]
1505
01:25:04,855 --> 01:25:06,690
I'll never forget the two.
1506
01:25:07,858 --> 01:25:11,653
But it's been so long now
that I can laugh about it.
1507
01:25:11,737 --> 01:25:14,072
I do laugh about it. I was in my car,
1508
01:25:14,156 --> 01:25:17,743
remembering how the two was
the worst thing that happened to me.
1509
01:25:17,826 --> 01:25:20,370
And I was like this... [laughs]
1510
01:25:20,454 --> 01:25:22,623
"Oh, you fucked a two.
1511
01:25:24,791 --> 01:25:26,376
Classic Jim Jefferies.
1512
01:25:28,920 --> 01:25:30,964
When will you ever learn?"
1513
01:25:32,341 --> 01:25:34,593
And I was sitting in the car...
1514
01:25:34,676 --> 01:25:37,721
and I was thinking
about how fucking the two...
1515
01:25:39,264 --> 01:25:42,392
was the worst thing
I've ever done in my life.
1516
01:25:42,976 --> 01:25:45,812
And then my brain did a horrible thing.
1517
01:25:45,896 --> 01:25:48,148
My brain went...
1518
01:25:49,358 --> 01:25:52,235
"That's how the nine felt
when she woke up next to you."
1519
01:25:52,319 --> 01:25:53,820
[audience laughing]
1520
01:25:54,738 --> 01:25:56,823
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.
1521
01:25:56,907 --> 01:25:58,742
- [audience cheering]
- Appreciate it.
1522
01:25:58,825 --> 01:26:00,577
[chuckling] We'll see you later.
1523
01:26:01,745 --> 01:26:04,539
[rock music playing]
1524
01:26:04,622 --> 01:26:09,622
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
123061
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