All language subtitles for I.Hate.Kids.2019 Eng WEBRip x264-ION10

- In the West,

the Royals can
clinch that division

with a win over the Angels.

Last night's one-nothing
squeaker gave the Royals...

- And once you get
a good rub on that loin,

it's all about smokin' it.

And how long do you
normally smoke it?

- Well, I smoke it
till it can't smoke no more.

One, nothing lead.

- Good morning, Los Angeles

and welcome to the
Mystic Morning Show.

As always on Saturday mornings,

we have The Amazing
Fabular in studios

taking your calls and
enlightening us all

with his psychic powers.

First up, we have
Chaz from Mar Vista.

Good morning, Chaz.

- Mornin'.

- What can
Fabular do for you?

- Well, I'd just like to
know where my dog Petey is.

He went missin' about three
weeks ago and I really miss him.

- I'm seeing a dog.

A medium-sized dog.

- Oh, he was
pretty big, actually.

- Yes, a medium large dog.

Who's the B?

I'm getting a strong sense of B.

Who's the B?

- My wife!

My wife's name is Barbara!

- Yes.

She is upset that
the dog is lost.

- Oh, no, she
didn't like the dog at all.

- And by that, I
mean she is upset

with you that the dog is lost.

- Yep, she wants me
to give up on him.

But you mustn't.

- No, no, that's right.

- I've got great news
for you, Charles.

- Chaz.

- Charles, Petey is on his
way home to you right now.

- Really?

That's great.

Thank you, thank you, Fabular!

- I don't create what I see.

I am merely the messenger.

- I'm comin', Petey!

- Thanks for the call, Chaz,
and good luck with Petey.

Next up we have Jim McElroy
from Monterey Park.

What can Fabular do for you?

- Who?

I want to know why Fabular told
my wife, Mildred,

I was sleeping with her
sister...she's dead.

- The truth is liberating
but also very painful.

- Painful?

I'm 95, I can't even
take a piss.

How the F...
am I going to?...

- Let it out.

Let the pain out.
- ...Oh dear lord.

- All right, next
up on line three,

we have Josephine
from Rancho Cucamonga!

- Good
morning, Fabular.

Fabular?

- Fabular?

- Hello?

- Maybe now might be a good time

to take a short commercial break

while Fabular
takes a meditation.

You okay, buddy?

You okay?

- Mason.

- She's all yours, Jimmy.

- Sure thing, Mr. Pearson.

And thanks for
that tip last week.

- Did I give you a
big tip last week?

Oh, the advice.

How'd that go?

- She broke up with me.

- I see.

Keep the change.

- Thanks.

- Hey, it's the I Hate Kids guy!

- My god.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, that's me.

- This is so cool!

I have been waiting
here all day.

Will you sign this for me?

- Yeah, of course.

- Man, you are a total genius.

- Oh!

- It's like you're
inside my head.

When I found out I was
gonna have that one,

I sat in my garage and tried
to think of ways to end it all.

- Well, the book's really
more tongue in cheek

for those who choose
not to have kids.

- Exactly!

You totally blew my mind!

I was like, if I
ever meet this guy,

we are gonna be best friends

'cause having kids is
beyond life ruining

and you get it, bro.

You get it!

- Here ya go.

- Oh, yeah!

- Wow.

That's enough.

Thanks, buddy, that's enough.

Okay, I gotta.

Great meeting you.

Take care, kids.

- Hey!

You know who that is?

You know who that is?

- A little late,
aren't we, Nick?

- Yeah, I'm a
little late, Walter.

I'm a little late.

I'm gonna need a shot
of liquid courage.

What do you suggest?

- Well, if you were 15
minutes late, I'd say wine

but since you've crossed
over the lateness equator,

I think we're
looking at bourbon.

- It's your professionalism
I admire, Walter.

Bourbon, it is.

Perfect.

- You know, I finally
finished your book

and I caught you on Kelly
and Ryan the other day.

You're making quite a
stir with this whole

I Hate Kids thing.

- Mm-hmm.

- Kelly wasn't having any of it.

- No, she certainly was not.

- No, she wasn't.

- Luckily I have
a woman back here

who is more than okay with it.

Better not keep her waiting.

Wish me luck.

- Good luck.

- Sorry I'm late, folks.

You know how these book
tour press junkets go.

Hey, Mom, hey, Dad.

Hey, bro.

Hi, Kelly.

- Oh.

- You're lucky I love you.

You do know what will happen

if you're late to the
actual wedding, right?

- Of course.

That's why I had my lawyer
make you executor of the will.

Well, I know that we
just wanna thank you all

for being here with us
on this special occasion.

I wanna make a toast to the
bravest woman I have ever met.

Anyone who can get hitched

to such a humongous bag of hot
air is truly one of a kind.

So here's to Sydney's mom.

Sorry, Phil, I couldn't resist.

Jeez!

Reverend!

- And Nick does not consider
the evening a success

unless bourbon comes out of
Reverend McGooley's nose.

- Sorry, reverend,
it's the good stuff.

- We're off to a great start.

- Here we go, folks.

Hang in there.
- Are you okay?

All right.

He's good.

Okay, my turn.

When I first met Nick last year,
I was moderately impressed.

He is clever, he is
devilishly handsome

and handsomely devilish.

He keeps me laughing and
he is smart enough to know

when he has lost an argument.

But I knew that he was
the man of my dreams

when he spoke these three
precious words to me.

I hate kids.

- What?

- Well, we're having a baby, so.

- And since my brave and
very beautiful sister Kelly

is handling the creation
of grandchildren,

it frees Nick and I up to pursue

a much less complicated
life together.

Besides, over the years I've
managed to kill a hamster,

a gerbil, two
turtles and a horse.

- A horse?

- That was a joke, the horse.

I didn't kill a horse.

But my record as a care
provider is less than stellar

so here's to a
lifetime of adventures.

Just the two of us.

- Cheers!

Cheers!

- Can I help you, sir?

- I think I need a drink.

- What'll it be?

- Something sweet with bubbles
and a splash of grenadine.

- Sounds serious.

- It's very serious.

- Do you wanna talk about it?

- It's family stuff.

- Here ya go.

- Thanks.

- It's okay.

It's on the house.

- Thanks.

Do you know where
the Pearson party is?

- Yeah, it's down the hall,

first set of double
doors on the left.

- Wish me luck.

- Good luck.

- Okay, I will
start the ceremony

with a little introduction like,

dearly beloved, we are
gathered here today

in the presence of God to
join Nicholas Buchanan Pearson

- That's me.

and Sydney Dell Bartlett
in holy matrimony.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Di da di da, et cetera,
et cetera, et cetera.

And then I'm required
by the collar to ask

be there anyone here today
who knows of any reason

why these two should not be
joined in holy matrimony?

Speak now or forever
hold your peace.

- Excuse me.

- Can I help you, young man?

- I do.

- You do what?

- Well, I mean, this seemed like

the perfect moment to say it

since you asked the
question, right?

- What's goin' on, buddy?

What are you talkin' about?

- You're my father.

- It was just one night.

- Not you, sir.

No, him.

He's my father.

- I'm your dad?

- Yes, you're my father.

- Who is this, Nick?

Who is this?

- Oh, ha, ha, ha.

Very funny, hilarious!

Whose inappropriate little
caper is this, Larry?

Brian, you do this?

No.

Simon?

No.
- Not me.

- Was it any of
these guys 'cause--

- I don't know who
these people are.

Ooh, is that cake?

I love cake.

- All right, son.

You've had your little joke.

Now just move along.

- It's not a joke, ma'am.

He's my dad.

- All right, well,
in typical fashion,

my ingenious friends
at The Jonathan Club

just don't know when
to end the sketch.

I'm just gonna take a moment

to tip this little thespian
for his stirring performance

and I'll be back before
you finish your cake.

All right, I'm afraid I'm
unaware of the protocols

when it comes to gratuities
for embarrassment

so bear with me.

50 gonna do it?

- What are you talking about?

- I am talking about your tip.

Just take it and
tell whoever sent you

that you did an
absolutely smashing job

of disrupting my evening.

- I don't want your money.

- Look, kid, take it.

I'm not usually this generous.

- Listen, I need
you to find my mom.

- Buddy, I don't know you

so I wouldn't know
who your mother is.

- Well, you must have known
her, at least a little bit.

- Why?

- Because you're my dad.

- Look, stop saying that.

I'm not your dad.

- But you are.
- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.
- I'm not!

- Yes, you are!
- Stop contradicting me.

- See?

You sound like a father.

- I do not.

- Yes, you do.
- I do not.

- But really, you do.

- Look, this is ridiculous.

No, thank you, we're all set.

- What does he want?

- He wants to give us a towel.

- Why?

- 'Cause it's his job.

- Well, why don't you take a
towel and let him do his job?

- 'Cause I don't want a towel!

I wanna get rid of
you and get back

to my wedding rehearsal.
- Thanks.

Can I keep this?

- No, yes, whatever,
I don't care.

I don't care at all.

Just take the money,
kid, and get outta here.

- Nick?

What's going on?

- Is she supposed to be in here?

- No.

- Don't worry, Syd,
I'm handling it.

- Everyone's waiting for you.

- Did you know this man
gives free towels to people?

- Oh, hi, thank you.

Nick, do you have a...?

- Yes, here, thank you so much.

- Gotta go, coming through.
- That's for the towels.

Look, Syd, I'll be
right there, okay?

I'm just wrapping things up

with our wonderful
performer there.

- Okay, please hurry.

- Yeah, two minutes, love.

I promise.

- So what's the plan, Dad?

- Stop calling me
that, all right?

I'm not your dad.

Where'd you get that stupid
idea from anyway, huh?

- From him.

- How do you do?

I am The Amazing Fabular.

- What is that, a service rat?

- Mr. Sparkles is a dog.

He is my portal to
other dimensions

of sight and sound
that provide me

with the gift of clairvoyance.

- Oh, you're a fortune teller?

- I am a world-class
psychic, sir.

I have clients among persons

of the most well-known
celebrity and high society.

- Yeah, and here you
are in the men's room.

- Hmm, as unaccustomed as I am

to having to avouch
my credentials

within earshot of
a public commode,

I can tell you that
unequivocally, this
boy tells the truth.

You are his father.

- Oh, yeah?

What makes you so sure?

- Mr. Sparkles told me.

- Oh, excuse me, let
me get this straight.

You want me to believe
that this man-child here

is the fruit of my loins

because you received
a cosmic message

through the strange
little rodent

that's tucked in your armpit?

Is that it?

- Precisely, ruff!

- Excuse me, I'm due
back on planet Earth.

- Uh-uh, perhaps, these DNA
results will convince you.

- DNA what?

- Nicholas, Nicholas!

What is this crap about
me gettin' cut off, huh?

It's humiliating.

- Nicholas, what
has gotten into you?

I mean, what in the
world is going on?

I am very disappointed in you.

- Tell Syd

that I will be right in.
- And by the way,

who the, is that kid?

- I will be right back.
- Money into this--

- Take the reverend with you.

Get him a drink,
get me one, too.

All right, I don't know
what to make of this.

And you've kind of caught me
at an awkward moment so just

meet me at this address
at 11 p.m. tonight.

Can you do that?

- Sure.

- All right.

Why don't you take that towel
and get rid of that thing

that's hanging from
your nostril, kid?

- Thanks, Dad.

- See you tonight.

- I see good things
in your future.

- Bye, Mom, bye, Dad.

- Goodbye, cake eater.
- I love you so, so much.

Thank you for everything.

I'll see you Sunday

at the wedding.
- Love you, honey.

- I love you, Dad.
- Bye, dear.

- Oh, bye, bye, guys.

- Hey.

- Sorry.

- What was that all about?

- What?

- The whole kid prank thing?

Who would do that?

That's not cool.

- I know, it was so
tasteless, right?

And that kid wouldn't
tell me who hired him.

He must have been
paid a lot of money.

He's a good actor.

- Yeah.

- Anyway, it's an
awkward memory now.

Hey, this book publicity
has just got me exhausted.

My bed is calling me.

- Oh, yeah, honey, I understand.

Why don't you go get some sleep?

- Okay.
- I'm gonna stay

and have a drink with Kelly.

I'm gonna drink,
she's gonna eat cake.

- Okay.

Hey, Syd?

- Yes?

- I love you.

- You'd better, there's
no going back now.

But I will see you tomorrow.

We've gotta go over
music for the band

and seating arrangements.

- Can't wait.

- Mwah, 10:15!

- With bells on!

Okay.

- He seems in a hurry.

- He's
dead tired, Kelly.

- Uh-huh.

- What's
that supposed to mean?

- Uh-huh, from the Latin.

Uh meaning he's acting fishy,

and huh meaning he's
up to something.

- Okay, spare me your
paranoid fantasies.

I know you don't like Nick
but you gotta get used to him.

As of Sunday, he's family.

- I like him fine.

He's just, you
know, he's a little,

a little too perfect.

- You talking about in bed?

- What?

- Don't hit my belly!
- I didn't mean to!

- Can I have your wine?

- No, you can't have wine.

- Can I have a sip?

- No wine, no sips.

- First of all,
absolutely no one

can know about this meeting.

Is that clear?

- Perhaps we should talk in code

in case your house
has been bugged

by the secret paternity police?

- I'm so glad you're
amused by this.

You have no idea what
this could do to me.

- Oh, yes, I do.

Scandal!

Man who makes fun of people
who have children for a living

doesn't know he
has one of his own.

Tabloids love that
kind of stuff.

- It's not just that.

It's Sydney.

- Who's he?

- She is my fiancee and we're
getting married on Sunday.

- What's wrong?

You don't think she'll like me?

- Well, children aren't
part of our plan.

- Well, you should have made
that plan before you made me.

- Preach the gospel.

- That's insane.

How do I even know
that this is my DNA?

- Well, about six months ago,

I was listening to
Fabular's radio show.

- Saturday mornings,
we have The Amazing Fabular.

- Which I really like to
listen to every Saturday.

I like the extra sensory
perception and stuff.

And all of a sudden, The
Amazing Fabular says--

- Mason?

I know who your father is.

- So of course I'm
like, wait a second.

My name is Mason so maybe I'm
the Mason he's talking about.

So I call up the show and
Fabular tells me it's me

and that my dad's a famous
writer named Nick Pearson.

That's you.

- Yes, I know that that's me.

- I mean, what are the odds?

Crazy ones, if you think about
it because when I was born,

Mason was a super popular name,

so there are like
a kajillion Masons.

- Sure, okay.

- So then I went on the internet

and I Googled Nick Pearson.

And a lot of stuff came up
about how you write books,

about how you hate
kids and little dogs.

- Yeah, and I hate psychics.

- Where are your manners?

- Go on, come on.

Get to the DNA bit.

- Right, well, I needed
some part of your body.

So I went on eBay
and I found somebody

selling a lock of your hair.

- What?

- Yeah, it's your barber.

He collects the hair
of his famous clients

and sells it on eBay.

- That could be anybody's hair.

- Is your barber named
Nino Spaghettios?

- Nino Spanetti.

Oh, my god.

- So then I bid on
the auction and I won.

Then I found a place on the
internet that does DNA testing.

So I cut off a piece of my
hair and sent in those samples.

A few weeks later,
the results came back.

It was a match!

Yes!

Yes, yes!

So then I called The
Amazing Fabular to tell him

and he said he wanted
see the look on your face

when I told you.

- There's nothing
like live theater.

- I know what I'm gonna
title my next book.

I Hate the Internet
and Hairstylists.

- Don't forget psychics.

- All right.

What do you want, kid?

- I just wanna find my mom.

- Your mom?

Who's been taking care
of you all these years?

- I have a foster mother.

Annie Gordon.

This is really good, Annie.

But she's getting really old.

And she has narcolepsy.

Annie?

She can't take care
of herself anymore

so she's being moved into a home

which means I'll end
up back in foster care.

That's why she let me come here
with Fabular to find my mom.

- A wise, wise woman, with
an acute sense of character.

I imagine she wouldn't
like you very much.

- Look, I know you
don't want me, Nick

because you're famous
for hating kids and all.

- No, I don't exactly hate kids.

- You're the only one
who knows who my mom is.

- Okay, how old are you?

- 13.

- 13 plus nine.

Where was I 14 years ago?

Oh, my god.

All right, this is gonna be
more difficult than I thought.

Let's say I was acquainted
with a lotta different ladies

at that time of my life.

- How quaint.

- And that's the other issue.

I don't want my fiancee or
my in-laws to know about this

bountiful romantic
history of mine.

- You have such
a way with words.

You really should be
writing cards for Hallmark.

- Hey, if you're
such a good psychic,

how come you can't
see who his mother is?

- Because this journey was meant

for the both of you
to take together.

Isn't that right, Mr. Sparkles?

- All right.

Despite the chorus
of voices in my head

that are screaming like banshees

to run like hell
from you two weirdos,

I'll help you.

- Really?

- But the deal is I will
give you two days of my time

and if we don't discover
who your mom is by then,

you move on, I move on

and we close this
chapter of our lives.

Is that clear?

- Deal.

- All right, meet me back
here tomorrow morning.

I'll research the possibilities.

And with any luck, I'll wake up

and this will be a
bourbon-induced nightmare.

- Let us take leave
of this Lothario

and investigate the
many places this man

may have planted his seed.

We'll see ourselves out.

- Night, Dad.

- Good night, kid.

- It's Mason.

- Good night, Mason.

- Thank you.

- Thanks, come again.

- Hey, sweetheart,
where are you?

Don't say late.

- Where is he?

- Hey, look, Syd, a
little situation came up.

- A situation?

- Oh, really?

- I said, shush!

- What'd you say?

- Not you, hon.

What's going on?

- Oh, well, so I got a call
from Albert this morning.

It turns out one of their
college circuit lecturers

dropped out.

I gotta pop up to Santa
Barbara and fill in.

- And you agreed?

You've gotta be
kidding me, Nick!

- What is it?

What is he doing?
- Stop!

- I know that the timing is
inconvenient but it's Albert.

It's not like I
can say no to him.

He's my publisher, babe.

- A little inconvenient?

The wedding is this Sunday!

I mean, can't they
find somebody else?

Maybe somebody who
isn't about to celebrate

the most important day
of their entire life?

- I'll only be gone a day.

Maybe two.

- Two?

I don't know what to say.

- I'll be back
before you know it.

Besides, don't they
say it's bad luck

for the groom to see the
bride before the wedding?

- But they don't mean
the whole weekend!

- And I love how understanding
you're being, honey.

- No, I'm actually not
being understanding.

This is not the sound of
someone being understanding.

Oh, my gosh.

- Okay, so now you
suddenly have to disappear

for a few days right
before your own wedding?

That sounds pretty
suspicious to me, Nick.

- Hey, Kelly, my
favorite sister.

- In-law.

- All right, look,
I gotta get going

so tell Syd I'll ring her
when I get there, bye.

- I'm telling you,
he's up to something.

- Maybe it is something good.

Did you ever think of that?

- No, Sydney, there is
something he's not telling you.

And I think it has
something to do

with that kid from last night.

- Nick just explained
the situation

and I have no reason
not to trust him.

- I'm just saying.

I have to pee.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

The baby's kicking!

You wanna feel it?

- No, I'm okay.

- No, no, come on,
feel it, feel it.

- No, I actually
don't wanna feel it.

- Just feel it for a second.

Just for a second.
- Actually, I don't really

want to.
- No, come here.

Say hello to your Aunt Sydney!

- Ooh, it's just so weird!

It's so strange!

Why can't human
beings just lay eggs

like more sensible species
of the animal kingdom?

Like peacocks and platypuses.

It's just so much easier.

- Ow!

Whoa, what the?

- Surprise.

- How'd you get in here?

- You said to come
back in the morning.

The door was unlocked.

- What are you doing
to my furniture?

- The feng shui was off.

It simply had to be done.

- Fabular needs room
to have a clean aura

to receive messages.

- Yeah?

Is he receiving the message
I'm sending him right now?

- Do you loofah?

- Do I what?

- Loofah, I mean, do you loofah?

- I don't loofah.

- You should loofah.

- I don't wanna loofah.

- It removes the dead cells

and helps add a delightful
luster to your skin.

- I got a book on the New
York Times Best Seller list.

I don't need a
delightful luster.

Your rat took a
dump on my carpet.

- Oh, Mr. Sparkles!

Why didn't you tell me you
needed to make a stinky?

- Santa Barbara, huh?

Ooh, maybe you should pop
by for a surprise visit.

- Ha, ha, that's funny

but we still have to hit the
bridal shop and nail salon.

- Okay, I was just saying, I
thought it'd be a nice gesture.

- That would be a sneaky
and suspicious gesture.

- Only if he's actually there.

- Of course he's there!

Just stop it, Kelly.

There's no way you're
getting into my head on this.

- I'm pretty sure I will.

- Just drink your juice.

- Last night, I sorted
through all these letters

and address books and I came
up with a few possibilities.

- Mmm, I'm sensing
something here.

- Oh, I'm so glad you're here

to substantiate all my research.

- I'm getting an A.

A really big A.

- Well, that makes two of us.

- Such darkness!

- Well, I'm filled with darkness
before my morning coffee.

- You can make fun
of me all you wish

but I'm still the one
who identified you

as the boy's father.

- Yep, you keep telling me that.

But I'm the one who
had to figure out

which of three Christines
might be his mother.

- Three Christine's?

- Yeah, three Christine's,
two Jennifer's,

two Barbara's, four Patty's--

- Please don't sing ever again.

All right, the point is anyway
that I managed to pinpoint

the ones who mathematically
fit the chronology.

And none of them begin with A.

- So then, how do we figure
out which one's my mother?

- We're gonna take a
little road trip.

I contacted the ladies,
they know we're coming,

they just don't know why yet.

- Why wouldn't
you just ask them?

- Because I think
something as delicate

as one's potential maternity

is probably best
discussed face to face.

- Got ya.

- All right, let's get goin'.

We have a large amount of people

to cover in a small
amount of time.

- Not unlike your
illustrious past.

- Does he really need to come?

- Definitely.

- Let it be known that I require

this safari of
yours to end early

as I'm supposed to be at the
Holiday Inn Burbank on Friday

to deliver a keynote speech
to a symposium of my peers.

And my peers tend to be snippy.

- If we're not done by then,
I'll have a lot more to answer

to than a bunch of
phony soothsayers.

- Guys, this car
only has two seats.

- Right.

- I guess we'll have
to take the Fab-Mobile.

- The Fab-Mobile?

- The Fab-Mobile.

- Perfect.

- So, what's the name of
this first member of your

countless sexual conquests?

- Carla Intintoli.

- I like the name Carla.

- Carla Intintoli.

She is from Italy.

- No, her dad's Brazilian.

- Yes, he is.

He was a farmer and
he used his hand

to make money for the family.

- What are you doing?

Are you doing psychic
stuff right now?

Don't do that right now, okay?

- I can't help my blessings.

They just come to me, Nick.

- Really?

I thought Mr. Sparkles
here was the gifted one.

- Well, it goes to
Sparkles, then to Fabular.

- All right, okay.

Just don't say anything

'cause I don't wanna
freak Carla out.

- It'll be my pleasure.

- You think she'll remember you?

- They never forget.

- Nick?

- Hi, Carla.

- Is that really you?

- It's me.

- Wow.

I never thought I'd have
this opportunity again.

- Opportunity?

- I think it's great
that she remembers you.

- Why was she so mad?

- Well, Mason, when
relationships end,

people get emotional
because they gotta justify

why they were with that
person in the first place

which can manifest itself
in bitterness, resentment,

hatred or violence.

- Okay, we have a triple patty
burger with fries, well done

and a strawberry shake
with extra cherries.

One small dinner salad,
hold the croutons

add extra garbanzo beans
and dressing on the side.

And one frozen bag of peas.

- Thank you.

- I have to pee.

I'll be right back.

- Why do I get the feeling
that every woman you ever dated

has a bone to pick with you?

I bet you racked up
quite the bag of karma.

- Why don't you stop your
yammering and tell me the truth?

- I beg your pardon?

- What's really goin' on here?

How much money are
they giving you?

Or are you looking to fleece

this kid's foster mom
out of her life savings?

- How dare you.

- What's goin' on?

What's in it for you?

- That boy needed my help.

Isn't that enough?

- For the record,
if I do find out

that you're using that
kid for any reason,

any reason at all, I'm gonna
beat the crap out of you.

- Aw, you're gonna give
me a knuckle sandwich?

- Whatever it takes.

- You call that a threat?

- Yeah.

- I am The Amazing Fabular.

I've invoked the wrath

of several hundred
loyal radio listeners.

I've been threatened
by men the likes

of which would leave you in
need of reconstructive surgery.

- What's amazing is
that reasonable people

would actually take advice
from someone like you.

- Sorry to bother
you, but my father,

he's a huge fan of your work

and he said the
check's on the house

if we could get your
autograph for the wall.

- Sure.

- I'd be delighted.

What's your name?

I'm sensing a D?

Daisy.

- Wow!

You're really good!

Your show is huge in Australia!

I don't know if you
remember a guy named Mickey

calling in about five years ago?

Yeah, well, anyway, that
was my little brother

and he had lost his
baby kangaroo, Skippy.

- Skippy!

- Yeah!

So anyway, you said that he
missed his mum and hopped away

and guess what?

Five years later,
my brother called me

and said that he found Skippy

hopping in a field with his mum!

- Skippy, he's safe!

- Thank you!

- How's your nose?

- Let's keep moving down
the list, okay, Mason?

- All right, yeah.

Well, Janice Bodicker?

- It's Bodicker.

- Bodicker?

Kinda rolls off the tongue.

Bodicker.

Bodicker!

Bodicker.

- Nick.

- Janice.
- This is so exciting!

The girls and I started
baking you a cake

right after you called.

- That's so sweet.

You didn't need to
go to the trouble.

- Oh, no trouble at all.

The girls just love
when we have company.

Come on in.

- Okay!

Why don't you all just
get yourselves acquainted?

Be nice, Donna.

And I'll be right back.

- I think I wanna
wait in the car.

- Me too, it's so
stuffy in here.

- And creepy.

- You boys must be thirsty.

The one with the strawberry
in it is yours, Nick.

To true love.

Cheers!

Bottoms up!

- Well, okay, so I'm just
gonna get right to it.

We came here to ask you
something really important.

- Nick!

I knew that you were here
for more than just a... visit.

- Did you and I have--

- Say it, say it,
say it, say it!

Just ask, ask, ask, ask, ask--

- Did you?

A child together?

- Of course we did, Nick.

- We did?

- That's why I've kept
up on all your success.

I wanted him to be
proud of his daddy.

I knew we'd all be
together again someday.

Oh, god, this is the moment!

Okay, whoo!

Nicky, say hi to your daddy!

We all think he
looks just like you.

It's like, is it
big Nick or little?

Well, go on, just aren't you
gonna say hi to your son, Nick?

- Hi?

- Okay, I'll just
be a moment, okay!

I'll let you guys talk.

He's gonna cheer you up.

Okay, just let him get settled.

One second, one second.

- I'm gonna go
out on a limb here

and say that she
is batshit crazy.

- We gotta get
out of this place.

She is not the one you seek.

- What about the cake?

- Are you kidding me?

- I'm starving.

- I'm just
adding the nuts!

- Mr. Sparkles!

- Oh!

- You are in trouble, young man.

You scared the living
daylights outta me!

Oh no!

This is bad.

- Oh, shoot!

- What did you do to my girls?

Oh, god!

Bonnie, are you okay?

- I'm terribly sorry

about this, ma'am.
- I'm calling the police!

You assaulted my girls!

- Is there any way I could take

a piece of that for the road?

- Get out, get out, get out!

- That's okay.
- Get out!

Sorry, Amanda!
- Thank you!

Good to see ya, take care!

- Hey, no!

- That went horribly wrong.

- Does this make
Nicky my stepbrother?

- Oh, that's very
funny, cake face.

Get in the car.

- I told you she wasn't
the one you seek.

Perhaps now you won't
be so quick to dismiss

the gifts of others?

- Gift, my ass!

That falls under the
category of obvious.

Gimme the keys.

You drive like an old lady.

- Very well.

The gift needs to power down.

- Can you power down that shirt?

It's giving me a headache.

Two down, a few more to go.

- Are you really gonna
leave without saying goodbye

again, Nick?

- Is that a flame thrower?

- Where'd she get
a flame thrower?

- Drive!

- I'm not ready to die!

I don't wanna die!

- Hey,
what do you think?

- It's great.

- What's that look all about?

- All right, I hate to be the
one to say, I told you so.

- I think you love being the
one to say I told you so.

- Okay, yeah.

Fine, that's true but I
only do this to protect you.

- I don't need to be
protected from Nick.

- Really?

Well, I just got off
the phone with Albert.

- Albert, Nick's publisher?

- It had to be done.

And when I mentioned him
booking Nick last minute,

he had no idea what
I was talking about.

- Kelly, can't you just
be, wait, what, what?

- There is no Santa Barbara
speaking engagement.

- But why would he tell me that?

- Exactly.

- Oh, wait.

- What are
you looking for?

- I lost my phone.

- I think you left it
on the coffee table

of the house of your true
love, Janice Bodicker.

Shall we go back and get her?

- Never mind, I got insurance.

- Did you say this one
is called Winifred?

- Yeah, Winny for short.

- I'm sensing a
very peculiar aura.

- No, that's your rat.

Ever since you fed him that
chimichanga from the Gas 'N Go.

- No, this is
something different.

- Wait right here.

Is Winifred Cartwright here?

- Nick?

Nick Pearson, come here!

- Whoa, do I know you, buddy?

- Yes, it's me, it's Winny!

Of course, I go by Freddy now.

It's less confusing.

- How long you
been Freddy, Winny?

- Well, you know, you and
I had that night together

and then the next day
I went and had surgery.

- I don't blame you.

- I cannot believe I let you
get into my head like this.

- Then just call him, Syd.

- I don't need to--

- That way you'll
know what's going on.

And you're right,
maybe it's nothing.

- It's probably nothing.

- I mean, I bet it is,
it's something but.

What, it could be nothing.

- Okay.

- Hello?

- I'm sorry, who
am I speaking to?

- None of your
business, that's who!

- Well, can I speak to Nick?

- No, you may not!

He's gone again with no regards

for my feelings or his child!

- His child?

- What?

I'm sorry.

Are you saying that
you and Nick Pearson

had a child together?

- Yes, we did.

A beautiful baby boy.

I now regret ever having
laid eyes on that man!

- When he wrote that book,
that hating kids book,

I thought he was
just being funny

but I now know that every
word of it was the truth.

- Where is Nick right now?

- Hopefully lying
dead in a ditch

with his two friends while
that little dog of theirs

just eats their remains!

- He hates dogs.

- What?

- My advice to you is to
stay as far away as possible

from that deadbeat!

- Okay, what is going on?

- I think it's pretty clear.

- I mean, that woman, she does
not sound normal, and a dog?

- Syd, first some kid shows
up claiming he's Nick's son

then Nick lies about
where he is going

and now, this weird woman
admits they had a kid together.

What more do you need?

It's case closed.

- I don't think so, Kelly.

I need proof.

- Wow, okay.

Somebody's in denial.

Fine, we'll get proof.

- I don't understand.

If Winny is Freddy,
why were you asking him

if he had your child?

- Because he used to be a woman.

- Wow, how do you do that?

- You have any hobbies?

You like reading
books or anything?

- Sometimes, I read your book.

- Really, what'd you think?

- It made me wanna write a book.

- No way!

That is so cool.

I'm so thrilled I could
inspire a young writer.

- I wanted to write a book
called I Hate Parents.

- Oh.

So, what is that thing anyway?

- It's a fidget spinner.

It helps keep me calm.

- Oh, yeah?

I could use one of those.

- Look, you don't
have to do this.

- What?

- Pretend like you like me.

Just help me find my mom.

That's the deal, right?

So why do you hate kids?

- I don't hate kids.

I just don't see eye
to eye with them.

It's not so much that I
hate them, they hate me.

- I don't hate you.

Does your fiancee
hate kids, too?

- No, she just likes
things uncomplicated.

- Why are there spoons
in my comforter?

All the butter's gone.

What am I gonna
dip my shrimp in?

- What's he dreaming about?

- Sounds like he's
channeling Gordon Ramsay.

Oh, great.

- License and registration.

- Yes, certainly, officer.

- You know why I
pulled you over?

- Was I going too fast?

- The speed limit is 45.

You were doing 50.

- This is not my car

so I'm not really used
to how it handles.

It pulls.

- Well, that doesn't
change the fact

that you were breaking
the law, now does it?

- No, no, no, it doesn't.

- Excuse me, officer.

When was the last time
you had your radar gun

calibrated for accuracy?

- Excuse me?

- Well, you see, many speeding
violations are dismissed

because the citing officer

failed to have regular
maintenance checks

on their equipment.

- Don't move, I'll
be right back.

- What are you doing?

- Helping.

My foster mother used
to be a paralegal

for the law firm of
Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.

- No, Mason, that law
firm doesn't exist.

It's an old joke.

- I know, I was making a joke.

- Oh.

I don't know about the
timing but pretty funny.

- All right, Mr. Pearson,

I'm gonna let you go
with a warning this time.

Watch your speed.

- Thank you.

- And one more thing.

- Mm-hmm?

- Hey, brother,
can I have your autograph?

- I'd be happy to, always.

- Man, my wife and I,

we listen to you on
the radio all the time.

- You have admirable
qualities, officer.

I'm sensing a promotion
in your future.

- Well, actually, I'm puttin' in

for early retirement
in three months.

- Yes, which will promote
healthy relaxation

in your previously hectic life.

- You can say that
again, Mr. Fabular.

All right, man.

Hey, you drive safely now.

All right.
- Of course, of course.

- You watch your speed.

- No need to thank me.

- Thank you?

For what?

- For extruding us
from that awkward

and embarrassing confrontation.

- You had nothing to do with it.

- I most certainly had
everything to do with it.

I was manipulating and
deflecting his negative energy.

- Thank you, Fabular.

- Yeah, thank you, Master Yoda.

Now shut up, please.

Who's next on the list?

- Christine Hurley.

- Do you see anything?

Get in there, go!

- Oh, I just, I
don't feel good about this.

I think we should go back home.

- What?

He gave you a key, didn't he?

By giving you a
key it is implied

that you have
permission to gain entry

at any time to the
domicile said key unlocks.

- I'm pretty
certain that implication

doesn't mean scavenging
said domicile

for dirty little secrets.

- Okay, you know what?

I take no pleasure in this.

- Yes, you do.

- Okay, I do.

Okay, yes, I do, a little bit.

But again, it's all for you.

- I'm pretty certain you
missed your true calling

as a criminal mastermind but
let's just get this over with

and we'll get out of here.

- Patience, Syd.

This might take a while.

Even Nick wouldn't
be foolish enough

to just leave a big box of
evidence out in the open.

- You
never mentioned you dated Oprah.

- I always
figured Christine

would land in the lap of luxury.

Face first, from
the looks of it.

- Wow, I would
totally live here.

- Maybe you two should
hang back for the moment.

I don't wanna just
thrust this in her face.

- Seems like that's
how you got yourself

in this situation to begin with.

- Hilarious.

Wait here.

- Don't just stand there.

- Wow.

- I have to be at
UCLA in one hour

to give my speech on
women's empowerment

in the social media arena.

The helicopter will be
here in five minutes.

How fast can you tweet?

- Huh, I don't know.

- Strike two.

If you want this job, you'd
better pick up the pace.

- Job?
- I require someone

who can manage my schedule,

count my calories feed my geckos

and make sure I don't
wear the same dress twice.

If you last two weeks, I'll
double your salary, okay?

- I'm not here for
the job, Christine.

- Who are you?

- It's me, Nick, Nick Pearson.

- Nick, Nick!

Oh!

I didn't recognize you, Nick.

Oh, you didn't age well.

You're not on my schedule.

- I know, I called you
an hour ago, remember?

- This is why I
need an assistant.

I think I can fit
you in on Thursday.

- No, I gotta talk
to you right now.

It's important.

- Okay, you have 35 seconds, go.

- Okay.

Did you and I have a child

that you secretly gave up
for adoption, by any chance?

- Why would you ask me that?

- Because this kid out here

deserves to know
who his mother is.

- Well, he's awfully big.

Does baldness run
in your family?

- Not him!

The other one!

- Nick, for someone
who writes comedy,

you really can't
take a joke, can you?

- I'm a little off my game.

- Sorry, Nick, I can't help you.

It wasn't me.

Tell the kid I'm sorry.

- Sorry to bother you.

- Hey, Nick?

For whatever it's worth,
I can't have kids.

You would have found that
out if you'd stuck around.

I built my empire instead.

Everything happens for a reason.

Bye, good luck.

- Another dead end?

- Yup.

- You really flushed that
golden ticket down the commode.

- There are more women here

than in my entire
graduating class.

My class was huge, remember?

Want chips?

- No, Kelly.

I still have to fit into
my wedding dress, remember?

- Seriously, Nick should be
bronzed and put on exhibit

at the Alfred Kinsey museum.

Oh, there's another one.

That makes three
Christines at last count.

- Oh, my God.

Nick is a gigolo.

- What?

No, I don't think it says
anything about him getting paid.

He's just a slut.

- You're right!

He's a slut!

And all this time,
he's been lying to me

and keeping secrets from
me and I've been an idiot!

- All signs do point
to yes on that one.

- So what do I do?

I don't know what to do!

I just need, I need
a little more time.

- Sydney.

- Just a little more time.

- Nope, time is now.

- What?

- It's time.

- Oh, my god!
- We gotta go.

Wait, no.

Cover that, put something
on that chair on the mark.

- Do you
want the chips?

- Okay, yeah, bring the chips.

I gotta call Richard.

- How're you doing?

- Fine.

I wish I had some ice cream.

- Oh, well, maybe later
we'll get you some.

- That'd be great.

- What's your favorite flavor?

- Strawberry.

- No way, that's
my favorite flavor.

What are the odds?

- I mean, a lot of people like
strawberry, so not that high.

- Ooh, ooh, Richard, Richard!

Answer your stupid phone!

Okay, okay, okay.

Ow, they're really
coming fast now!

- Just try to stay calm, Kelly.

- Why did you let me
eat all the chips?

I'm gonna be gassy
in the delivery room!

- Do not worry about
that right now!

I would just relax and try to
concentrate on whatever it is

they tell you to concentrate on

in those La Paz
classes you took!

- I wasn't listening!

It's Lamaze!

And how am I supposed to
relax when my Lamaze partner

won't even answer
his phone, god!

Richard, hi, it's your wife.

I'm gonna kill you!

- Just breathe with me.

- I don't
know what to do!

Sorry, that's just chips.

I'm having a baby!

How can he be stuck in traffic?

- There's always
traffic on the 405.

He'll be here.

- Oh, my god, he's not
gonna be here in time!

No, no, no, no, I
can't do this alone!

Syd, Syd, you have to
come in there with me!

- Oh, no, no, I can't do that.

- Yes, yes, you can!

I am your sister and
I say you have to!

- Don't they have,
like, stand-by people,

like rent-a-coaches
or something?

- Syd, Sydney!

You have to do this or I
will tell everyone in here

how you shit your pants at
Neil Greenblatt's bar mitzvah

and then you flushed your
underpants down the toilet

and flooded the entire
basement of the synagogue.

- That was like 20 years ago.

- I don't care!

I'm about to launch a
watermelon out of my punani!

Do not test me, Sydney!

- Here we are.

947 Main Street.

Cross Hakido.

- Wow, this place looks amazing.

- I'm gonna sit this one
out and take Mr. Sparkles

on a much needed stroll.

- We'll see you back here.

- Okay.

- Let's step that punch!

Single punch!

Two!

Three!

Four!

Attention.

Hey, Nick!

- Hi, Schyler.

You look great.

This place is fantastic.

- Yeah, and after two
years, I'm the owner.

- Are you like a ninja?

- Almost.

What's your name?

- Mason.

- Yeah, would you like
to join my class today?

- Sure!

- Okay, there's
extra gis over there

in the changing room.

Just put one on and
then come out to the mat

and join the class.

- Okay, thanks!

- He's a sweet kid.

- Mm-hmm.

- What's he doing
with a nut like you

and what do you want from me?

- Well, it's a bit of
a delicate situation.

I need to talk about us.

- Us?

As in you and me?

- Yeah, it could also
involve other parties.

- Interesting.

Okay, five-minute water break!

I'll tell you what, Nick.

I'm a little short-handed today.

Why don't you help me out
for the next 30 minutes

and maybe I'll answer
your questions.

- Help you out?

Doing what?

Is this completely necessary?

- You want your questions
answered or not?

- Yeah.

- Line up!

- Yes, ma'am!

- On your knees.

- Oh, I'm so glad
you're so amused.

- Side kicks!

Little lower next time, sweetie.

- Could we take this seriously?

I need to find
this kid's mother.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Nick,

but talk about a
needle in the haystack.

- Well, I'll take
that to be a no?

- Front kick!

Believe me, Nick,
if we had a baby,

you would have known
about it from day one.

Why don't you ask Tonya Wesson?

- Tonya Wesson?

Who's Tonya Wesson?

- Oh, now don't tell me
you don't remember Tonya.

Remember, my friend Tonya?

The one I caught you with

when you and I were
supposedly dating?

- Oh, Tonya Wesson, yeah.

Well, I mean, that's
hardly my fault.

It takes two to tango, you know?

- Yeah, but it only
takes one to say no.

Crotch kick!

- What's wrong with you?

Move!

- You don't let everybody
in front of you!

- Come on, drive!

- Hey, baby!

How's it going, huh?

- How far away are you?

- I don't know,
maybe 20, 30 minutes?

- I'm gonna kill you!

- I'm on my way!

I am coming, don't worry!

- You're gonna
stay on this phone

until you get here or this
baby does, do you hear me?

- Yup, yup.

- Come on, I
gotta get to work!

- I'm stayin' on the phone.

- Thanks for your help, Nick.

- Oh, sure, anytime.

- Hey, Fabular, check it out!

- Oh, that's impressive.

The next time I need
a bodyguard, I'm
gonna give you a call.

- Well, it is a small
world after all.

Hello, Ernie, long time no see.

- I beg your pardon?

- I think you made a mistake.

This is The Amazing Fabular.

- Oh, yes, yes it is.

Also known as Ernie Swanson.

Cerritos Clown
University, class of 1994.

- You went to Clown College?

- You bet he did.

Only unlike the rest of our
class who dedicated our talents

to the entertaining of children,

Ernie here parlayed his skills
into bilking aging actresses

and rich widows out of
their bank accounts.

- How dare you!

- Is that true?

- Of course not!

I've never laid eyes on
this wannabe Jackie Chan!

- Oh, yeah, yeah, all right.

Well, maybe this
will jog your memory?

I was there the night Ernie
here got so loaded on grog

at the Renaissance fair,

he got a drawing of Justin
Timberlake tattooed on his butt!

- I will not stand here

and listen to any more of
this psychotic slander!

- Look, Nick, I meant
what I said before.

I wish you luck.

But if you're receiving
messages from this con artist,

then you're gonna need a
whole lot more than luck.

Mason, you're a good kid.

I hope you find your mom.

- Thanks.

- Goodness, this
creature has taken leave!

It's no wonder Mr. Sparkles

didn't leap to my defense
and rip out her jugular!

- Mason, will you just
hang out here for a second?

I'm gonna talk to
Fabbie for a minute.

- Okay.
- What are you doing?

- Oh, come on.

- Okay, unhand me!

- Show me your ass.

- What are you,

You let me go right now!

- Show me your ass right now!
- Let me go right now!

- Look, I'm gonna ask
you one last time,

do you or do you not have
Justin Timberlake on your ass?

- So that's it?

That's how you treat a friend?

- We are not friends.

- So you'd just take the
word of a total stranger?

- You're the total stranger.

And this hereby terminates
our association.

I don't wanna see you.

I don't wanna hear from you.

You get back into your
Fab-Mobile, get outta here.

- Nicholas, wait.

Don't speak bad of me in
front of the boy, okay?

You don't know what
he means to me.

That woman was right.

I'm a fake, a
fraud, a charlatan.

I've spent most of my life
duping people out of money

by pretending to offer
them hope, faith, closure.

- Why are you
telling me this now?

- Because

when that boy popped in my head,

I instantly knew
things about him.

I could feel his confusion,
I could feel his pain,

I could feel his loneliness.

And I knew I had to help him.

You accused me of stealing
money from his foster mother.

I have not taken a single penny.

'Cause that boy offers
something far more valuable.

He makes me believe I can be
a better version of myself.

And I know if, given
the opportunity,

he can do the same
thing for you.

- I really wanna
believe you right now.

- Well, believe this.

If you cut me out
of that boy's life,

I will never help you again.

And mark my words, you're
gonna need my help.

- Well, I guess
we'll never know.

- Up, up.

Good luck, Mason.

Sorry I can't finish our quest.

I have a speech to deliver.

- Okay, everything's
looking great, Kelly.

- Good.
- Just keep

doing your breathing.

- Great, Richard, breathing.

I wasn't listening, I'm sorry!

- Okay, breathe, baby.

One, two, three, breathe.

- Very good.

- Doing great?
- Great, you're doing great!

- Now we're gonna
to start to push, okay?

- Okay, yeah, okay, okay, okay.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait, wait!

You have to sing the song!

- What song?

- Richard, tell her!

- Deep Inside of You
by Third Eye Blind.

- Why do I have
to sing that song?

- 'Cause that was
the song that was playing

when Kelly and I
were making our baby.

- Didn't need to know that.

- No, no, but wait, wait,
we promised each other

that we'd sing this
song during the birth.

So just sing it!

- I don't know the words!

- It's okay, you
guys sing the chorus

and I'll help you
get through it.

♪ My friends say I've changed

♪ Deep inside of you

♪ Slide up her dress

♪ Shouts in darkness

♪ I'm so alive

♪ And I'm deep inside of you

♪ But still, deep inside

♪ Still

- Okay, Kelly,

just one good, strong push.

- Right, okay, okay.

I'm gonna push now.

Ready?
- Push, push!

♪ When we met light was shed

- Richard!

♪ Something deep inside of you

♪ A wind chime voice sound
- Hi!

- Aw, Kelly, you did it!
♪ Sway of your hips

♪ Round rings true

♪ It goes deep inside of you

♪ Deep inside of you

- Hi, Joanna, it's Nick.

Yeah, we had some
unexpected diversions

but we're on our way now.

Who's we?

That's why I'm
calling you again.

I have to ask you something

before we waste
each other's time.

And forgive me for
being blunt about this.

Did you and I have a kid
together that I'm unaware of

that you gave up for adoption?

- So what are we doing now?

- We're gonna go
meet your mother.

- Are you sleepy?

Look at the little hands.

Thank you for
being here with me.

And thank you for singing.

- I'm very sorry I did
not know the words.

Was I horrible?

- No, you were perfect.

- She's so beautiful.

- Yeah, this may prevent me

from being your maid
of honor on Sunday.

- I'm not so sure
there's gonna be a need

for a maid of honor Sunday.

- What?

Why, you're still gonna
marry Nick, aren't you?

So he has a lot of exes.

And he lied.

And he may have some
illegitimate children

you don't know about but
still, you two belong together.

- Wait, what are
you talking about?

You just spent the last 48
hours trying to convince me

Nick is a monster.

What about protecting me?

- Yeah.

I'm all done protecting you.

I have someone else
to protect now.

- I did it, baby!

I made it to the
hospital, I'm here!

I'm coming!

- Okay, love you.

- I know!

I love you, too!

- So Nick may have
sowed more seed

than John Deere in the past.

You are the one he chose to
spend the rest of his life with.

He loves you.

And I know that you are gonna
make the right decision.

Oh!

- Sorry, I'm late.

Did I miss something?

- You're so stupid.

Meet your daughter.

- It's a girl?

- Stephanie Jenkins Kowalski.

- Oh!

- She's totally asleep.

- This is it, 305.

You ready?

- I think so.

- Come on then.

It's gonna be okay.

This is what you've
been waiting for.

- Yeah, I'm just
a little nervous.

- Me too.

Stand up straight.

First impressions are
essential to new relationships,

don't you think?

- Well, it took you long enough.

Look at you, Nick.

You look like the
same self-centered ass

I fell for all those years ago.

You haven't changed
a bit, have you?

This him?

What is his name again?

- My name's Mason.

It's nice to meet you.

- Mason?

Did I name you that?

What kind of name is Mason?

Like a cartoon
moose or something.

You know what I mean?

I'm kidding, it's cute.

Come on in, meet your
brothers and sisters.

Hey!

Mason, I don't know
if you ate, hon.

We have Easy Mac or
Cap'n Crunch if you want.

- I'm okay, thanks.

- Okay.

Hey, listen up.

This is Mason, he's
your new brother.

This is Frankie,
Lenny, Johnny and,

Todd.

I was going to meetings
when I had him, so.

So this little cutie is Rachel.

Can you say hello?

Yeah.

- Where's their dad?

Lock-up, rehab, shacked up
with a pole dancer in Barstow

and buried in Texas.

But we don't talk about that.

Frankie, here, take your sister.

Get that crap out of your hair.

Get her a toy.

Mason, why don't you sit
with the boys and watch TV

while your daddy and I
have a little talk, okay?

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

Hey, guys.

- All right, I'll take him.

- You'll take him?

- Yeah, that's why you came
all the way here, isn't it?

Obviously you don't want him.

- Well, it's not that I
don't want him, I just

have my reasons.

- Oh, yeah, sure.

You boys always
have your reasons.

- Why didn't you ever tell me?

- You were gone, Nick.

You disappeared on me.

No goodbye, no good luck,
not even a good riddance.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, no.

I'm sure you had your reasons.

I had mine.

I was young, scared, alone.

I couldn't even afford a phone.

So, you know, I gave him up.

I felt so damned
guilty about it,

I vowed never to
give up a baby again.

You can see how well
that turned out.

- I'm sorry, I can't imagine
how hard it would be to

raise all those kids alone.

- Oh, well, at least he's old
enough to get a work permit.

If nothing else, he'll be
another source of income.

- Listen, I fully intend to
contribute to his well-being so.

- Yeah, oh, yeah, you
will be doing that, too.

I'm sure you can afford it

being you're the famous
kid-hater and all that.

You should follow
me around for a day.

You'd get some great material.

Seriously.

All right, I'm curious.

What are your reasons
this time around?

- Well, for one thing, I'm
getting married on Sunday.

- Congratulations.

Let me guess.

She's a total peach
with a rocking body

and a personality so
sunny she blooms daffodils

right outta her ass.

- Hey.

- She doesn't know
about him, does she?

That's rich, man.

Nothing like starting
a lifelong commitment

with a big fat secret.

Good luck with that, Nick.

- Mom, Lenny and Johnny are
tattooing the baby again!

- Oh, for Christ sake!

You little monsters!

What have I told you about
drawing on the baby, huh?

This is permanent marker!

What is wrong with you two?

Everybody go to bed right now!

Well, that's another two weeks

I can't take her out in public.

I know, I know, honey.

Frankie, go get the air
mattress out of the shed.

I'm putting Mason
in with you three.

- Oh, come on!

There no room in there as it--

- Hey, do not back talk me.

- It's fine, I'll just
sleep on the couch.

- Well, thank you, Mason.

That's very helpful.

I gotta go clean her up.

Say goodbye to your father.

- I'd just
like to say thank you.

- For what?

- For keeping your promise
and helping me find my mother.

- You're welcome.

Listen.

Is there anything you need or,

anything I can--

- No, I'll be fine.

I told you, all I wanted
from you was this one thing

and you did it.

Now you can go off
and get married.

- Yeah, well, that seems kinda
questionable at this point.

- Why?

I thought once I
was out of the way,

you'd be free to get married.

- Well, it seemed
that way last night

but this has been a very,
very, very long day.

Are you all right?

What are you doing?

- I'm calling on my
own psychic powers

to see how things turn out.

- Well?

- Well what?

- Well, aren't you gonna
tell me what's in store?

- Heck, no.

That'd be cheating.

- What a rip-off.

- Well, I mean, this seemed like

the perfect moment to say it.

You're my father.

Is there any way I could take
a piece of that for the road?

When was the last time
you had your radar gun

calibrated for accuracy?

Are you a ninja?

- I knew I had met the man
of my dreams when he spoke

these three precious
words to me, I hate kids.

- So, what is that thing anyway?

- It's a fidget spinner.

It helps keep me calm.

- Oh, yeah?

I could use one of those.

Hi.

- Hi.

- Thanks for coming by.

- It was at the top of
my to-do list today.

How was the lecture
in Santa Barbara?

- There was no lecture.

- I know.

- We need to have a serious--

- I'm calling off
the wedding, Nick.

- That's what I was gonna do.

- Well, it's too
late, I just did it.

- Yeah, I heard that.

- Why were you
gonna call it off?

- Oh, no, you called it off
first, you gotta say why first.

- Well, I first considered it

when I found out
there wasn't a lecture

in Santa Barbara or wherever.

- That's what did it?

- No.

And then I found this
giant box of girlfriends

which was horrifying.

How did you ever find
time to write a book?

- So that's why
you're calling it off?

- No.

- No?

- It wasn't your
lying in the present

and it wasn't my
trolling around the past.

It's about the future.

- You don't want to marry me

because of something
I haven't done yet?

- It's not about you, Nick.

It's about me.

- You don't want to marry me

because of something
you haven't done yet?

- I've changed my mind.

I wanna have a family.

I want kids.

Nick.

- You need to trust me, Sydney.

I've loved you since the
first time I saw you.

I love you with every
molecule of my being.

I don't wanna be
without you, ever.

You believe that, right?

- Yes.

- Then come with me.

- Where are we going?

- I can't undo
everything in my past

but there is one thing
that I can change.

Come on.

- I'm gonna
get you, Johnny!

- Hey, hey!

Hello, Nick.

This must be daffodil.

- Hi, I'm Sydney.

- Please.

You forget something?

- I want Mason back.

- Really, what happened?

You feel guilty for a change?

What's it like for you?

- Just get him.

- Oh, I would love
to but he's gone.

- Gone?

What do you mean he's gone?

- He snuck out in the
middle of the night.

Just up and left.

Not a goodbye, not a good
luck, not even a good riddance.

Congratulations, Nick,

he turned out to be
just like you after all.

- Well, don't you have
any idea where he is?

- What do I look
like a mind reader?

I'm getting an A.

A really big A.

- Nick?

- I know how to find him.

- We, the gifted, face
insurmountable odds

in a world that continues
to lean in favor

of dark skepticism
and disbelief.

For centuries, we were
heralded and praised,

even worshipped
for our abilities.

But in these troubled
times, when what we provide

comfort and hope
are needed the most,

we are shunned,
vilified, even hunted

by those who cannot see
past their own fears.

We all know that when
things become their worst,

when what is desperately
sought cannot be found

by traditional means, that is
when skeptics bow their heads

and concede to
their lack of sight.

How delightful!

I just love the smell of
humble pie, don't you?

At this time, Mr. Sparkles and I

will be entertaining
your questions.

Just step right up to
the mic and ask away.

Go on, don't be skittish.

Anyone?

No one have, of course.

If you are as gifted as I am,

you already know the
answers, don't you?

Well, let's saunter
over to the pool

for the pyrokinetic
meet and greet.

In response to last
year's faux pas,

I'm told there's much
more fire extinguishers

this time around.

- I have a question.

Isn't it true that
you're a fraud?

- I beg your pardon?

- Didn't you admit
to me just yesterday

that your entire career was
forged from being an imposter?

- Guards, will you
escort this barbarian

off the premises, please?

- What are you doing?

- All right then--

- Sir, you need to come with us.

- All right, I challenge you
in front of all your peers

to prove that you
are not a fake!

- How do you suppose I do that?

- Find my son.

Right now.

You found me for him,
now find him for me.

I want him in my life.

- Just do it.

Do it, Fabular, come on.

- I got $500 here
for the first psychic

that can find my son.

- He's on a train to Istanbul!

- He's at Delray
Beach, tower 22!

- He's fishing in Lake
Charles, Louisiana!

- He is in San Francisco at
the opening of the opera.

- Wait!

He's in Pismo Beach
at Melvin's house!

- Do you actually need to be
a psychic to take a guess?

- He's here.

- Hi, Nick.

- Hi, son.

- Aw.

- Hey, Mason, why
would you run away?

- I came to ask Fabular
if I could live with him.

I don't wanna live
with my mother.

She isn't very nice.

- No, I think she's
just not happy right now

but I think there's
something we can do

to maybe change that.

- Hi, I'm Sydney.

It's nice to
officially meet you.

- It's nice to meet you, Sydney.

Nick talks about
you all the time.

- He is definitely yours.

- Hey, Fabular!

You said on the radio that
Petey was on his way home to me!

But he was already dead!

You lied, you bastard!

This is for Petey!

- Whoa!

- Damn it!

- Whoa, are you okay?

- Scarecrow!

Tin Man!

My lion!

- Thank you, Ernie.

- I'll take my.

- Is there anyone here
today who knows of a reason

why these two should not be
joined in holy matrimony?

Good, ladies and gentlemen,

it gives me great pleasure
to introduce to you

Mr. and Mrs. Nicholas Pearson.

Kiss the bride.

- Party people!

Yeah, Tag Team music
in full effect!

That's me, DC the Brain Supreme
and my man Steve Roll'n!

♪ We're kickin' the flow

♪ We're kickin' the flow

♪ Tag Team, back again

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Hit me, whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

- Hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

- Excuse me.

Is this one of yours?

- Yep, afraid so.

Here you go.

Wow, your husband's a lucky man.

- I want that one.

- I love kids.

- Oh, there is no husband.

It's just me.

- My name is Walter.

- Joanna.

- Joanna?

- Yeah.

- That's a beautiful name.

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ That B-double-O-T-Y, oh my

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Come on, y'all

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ A little louder

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Come on, y'all

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Louder

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Come on, y'all

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ A little louder

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Come on y'all

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Louder

♪ Can ya feel it

♪ We can feel it

♪ Can ya feel it

♪ We can feel it

♪ Can ya feel it

♪ We can feel it

♪ Can ya feel it

♪ We can feel it

♪ Can ya feel it

♪ We can feel it

♪ Can ya feel it

♪ We can feel it

♪ Can ya feel it

♪ We can feel it

♪ Can ya feel it

♪ We can feel it

♪ Can you dig it

♪ We can dig it

♪ Can y'all dig it

♪ We can dig it

♪ Can you dig it

♪ We can dig it

♪ Can y'all dig it

♪ We can dig it

♪ Can you dig it

♪ We can dig it

♪ Can y'all dig it

♪ We can dig it

♪ Can you dig it

♪ We can dig it

♪ Can y'all dig it

♪ We can dig it

♪ W-H-double O-M-P as I flow

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

Yeah, Tag Team music

comin' straight at 'cha!

That's me, DC the Brain Supreme,
and my man Steve Roll'n!

Bring it back y'all,

bring it back y'all
and here we go!

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

♪ Whoomp, there it is

- Whoomp, there it is

♪ They say you know

♪ So long

♪ So long

♪ And ride into ourselves

♪ Enough

♪ Enough

♪ With how it was back then

♪ I think we were

♪ But if you want it all

♪ I'll send you far

♪ And when you walk away

♪ Don't look down

♪ We got scared and we got old

♪ 85 miles an hour ago

♪ So long

♪ So long

♪ We're missing mystic smiles

♪ We sink into ourselves

♪ Enough

♪ Enough

♪ With how it was back then

♪ I think we were

♪ If you want it all

♪ I'll send you far

♪ And when you walk away

♪ Don't look down

♪ So long

♪ So long

♪ We'll ride into ourselves

♪ Enough

♪ Enough

♪ How it was back then

♪ The things we were

♪ The things we were