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1
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,519
‐ Son, this is the story of the time
2
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:22,147
I tried to help someone else
fix all their dating problems
3
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:24,066
through the magic of photography.
4
00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:25,692
SOPHIE'S SON :
I feel like we've derailed.
5
00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:29,446
‐ I gave you life.
You give me one night.
6
00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:33,116
Now, back in 2022,
7
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:36,662
having the perfect profile photo
was a very big deal.
8
00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:39,248
‐ Ugh. All my photos are terrible.
9
00:00:39,248 --> 00:00:41,208
Forget it! I'm not joining Tinder.
10
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,585
I'll just die alone or with Sid.
11
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:46,964
‐ What? No, dude. Hannah and I plan on
dying at the exact same time at 98...
12
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,675
mid‐penetrayshe.
13
00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:52,594
And you were not invited to that party.
‐ That's fine!
14
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,596
Alone it is. Anything's better
15
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,057
than joining these ridiculous apps.
Why?
16
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,226
You'd do great on the apps.
17
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,144
You're a cool, handsome musician.
18
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:03,772
‐ Well, thank you, but no.
19
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:07,401
Actually, what I am is a part‐time
music teacher who drives Uber
20
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,445
and is internet famous for
his rejected marriage proposal.
21
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,906
‐ Look, if I join Tinder,
I'm just going to get a bunch
22
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:16,034
of mean messages from people that
recognize me as the Proposal Fail Guy.
23
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:19,705
I mean, l‐l‐let's just take a glimpse
at my Instagram DMs, shall we?
24
00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:22,249
Uh... "You don't deserve to have balls."
25
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,586
Uh, "LOL, you suck."
26
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,921
But "suck" is spelled with five k's.
27
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,382
Uh, "You have kind eyes."
28
00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:32,718
Okay, well, that one doesn't count
'cause it's from our Aunt Karen.
29
00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:37,055
‐ You know, who cares about
random internet trolls?
30
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:40,684
Jesse, I've been out with
87 app guys this year.
31
00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:41,643
‐ 88.
32
00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:44,730
Oh, it was 87 before
you struck out with Ian,
33
00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:47,149
so now, technically, it's 88.
34
00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,775
‐ Oh, got it. Thanks.
35
00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:51,570
88 guys, okay,
36
00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:53,697
and I haven't given up on finding someone.
37
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:56,200
I refuse to let you quit before
you've even gotten started.
38
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,993
‐ I don't know...
‐ I say
39
00:01:57,993 --> 00:02:00,120
if you don't want to join Tinder,
don't join.
40
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:00,871
‐ Thank you!
41
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:03,624
‐ You can always spend
your Saturday nights with...
42
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,584
Postmates and Pornhub.
43
00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:06,668
‐ Ugh, stop.
44
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,879
‐ Your Kung Pao shrimp in one hand,
45
00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:09,963
your man shrimp in the other...
46
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,550
‐ Soy sauce dripping on
your downtown dumpling‐‐
47
00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:16,428
‐ Okay! Fine! I'll join!
48
00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:19,348
‐ You know what? I'm going
to help you crush on Tinder.
49
00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:21,975
If there's one thing I know from my 87‐‐
‐ 88.
50
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,435
‐ We get it! You can count!
51
00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,480
88 app guys,
52
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,483
it's how to create a profile
that makes a girl swipe right.
53
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,276
Let me do this for you, Jesse.
54
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,402
Repeat after me.
55
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:36,365
"Today is the first chapter
of my next great love story."
56
00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:38,534
‐ Okay. I'm never going to say that,
57
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:40,702
but I will accept your weird offer.
58
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:42,246
‐ Great! Okay, first,
59
00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:45,207
I have to take the greatest photo
of you ever for your profile.
60
00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:46,333
‐ Mm‐hmm.
61
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,960
‐ You're gonna be drowning
in internet honeys.
62
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,587
You're going to be like, "I can't breathe!
There's too many honeys!"
63
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:51,922
‐ Okay.
64
00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,340
Uh, well, I teach music classes tomorrow,
65
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,883
but maybe we could do it
during my lunch break?
66
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,552
‐ Perfect. I'll meet you there.
67
00:02:57,261 --> 00:03:00,305
Jesse, life's gonna be alright.
‐ Mm‐hmm.
68
00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,057
‐ Life's a nightmare.
69
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,810
‐ Aw, babe. No luck apartment hunting?
70
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,396
‐ No. Turns out, searching
for apartments in this city
71
00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,523
without access to your
trust fund's impossible.
72
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:12,025
I have no idea how you poors did it.
73
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,862
‐ Charlie! We've talked about
using "poor" as a noun.
74
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,572
ELLEN:
Charlie's right.
75
00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:18,240
I'm looking for a place, too.
76
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,410
I just got my harvest check from
the farm I share with my ex.
77
00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:24,288
Our love may have wilted,
but our butter lettuce is poppin'.
78
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,915
‐ Wait, you still get farm money?
79
00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,292
Why aren't you paying us rent?
80
00:03:28,292 --> 00:03:30,502
‐ Because I'm on my way out.
81
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:31,503
I gotta be.
82
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,838
‐ Mikey!
83
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:35,215
You tell your mom
your bedtime is bullshit, okay?
84
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,093
‐ Stop crying, Mikey!
85
00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:40,012
‐ Why don't you and Charlie shack up?
86
00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:42,181
Because you can afford a way
better place with a roommate.
87
00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:44,474
‐ Oh my god, let's do it! Alright.
88
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:47,477
Should we get a grand piano
or a normal piano? Hm? Who am I kidding?
89
00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,354
If you're going to get a piano,
you might as well go big.
90
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,898
Alright, grand it is.
Sorry.
91
00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:54,109
‐ I'm not really a... roommate person.
92
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,237
‐ All good, you know.
93
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,615
Because I very much see myself
as a lone wolf anyway.
94
00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,868
Solitary and... and serious.
95
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,328
Often nude...
96
00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:06,747
‐ I'm sure you can find someone
else to be your roommate‐‐
97
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,248
‐ I did say, "all good."
98
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:13,754
‐ Let's do this!
99
00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:16,381
Okay, repeat after me.
"Today is the first chapter"‐‐
100
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:17,841
‐ Never gonna say it.
101
00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:20,928
‐ Well, relax your body.
102
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,055
Shake it out a little.
103
00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:25,724
Angle towards me.
‐ Alright, ready? How's this?
104
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,564
‐ Um, why are you looking up?
105
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,107
‐ It's my go‐to look.
106
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,526
I have a really prominent Adam's apple,
107
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,194
which I have heard on good authority women
108
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,862
find irresistible.
109
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,072
‐ What women?
110
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,116
‐ Not my mom,
if that's what you're thinking.
111
00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:46,078
‐ Okay. Maybe posing is not our friend.
112
00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,455
Let's‐let's do something,
like, a little more natural.
113
00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:50,666
We could, um...
114
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,794
And you're unpacking hummus.
115
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,921
‐ Yeah. Let's get some
of me snacking, right?
116
00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:57,214
And make sure you get the backpack,
117
00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,132
so it's clear that I packed
this hummus myself
118
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,802
because backpack hummus
says that I'm prepared,
119
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,096
frugal, and health conscious.
120
00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:06,014
‐ Your mom tell you that, too?
121
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,017
‐ Fine. No hummus.
122
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,395
But just make sure to get my teeth, okay?
123
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:13,689
I didn't do two rounds
of Invisalign for nothing.
124
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,490
‐ What's that?
‐ Package from Hannah.
125
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:24,950
Probably our HelloFresh meal for tonight.
126
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:28,370
We do weekly FaceTime
cooking dates to stay connected.
127
00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:29,788
I think tonight we're making baked cod.
128
00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:32,791
‐ That's your secret to
a happy long‐distance relationship?
129
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,751
Watching each other eat fish?
130
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:37,754
‐ "Thought we could
spice things up tonight."
131
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,840
Hm, spice things up? What is this?
132
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,425
A last‐minute switch to Thai?
133
00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,594
She is so bad.
134
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:48,724
The Vyper Ace Interactive Male... Stroker?
135
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:50,767
What is this?
136
00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:54,229
‐ She sent you a sex toy.
And not just any sex toy.
137
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:57,191
That is the Birkin bag
of sex toys. It has...
138
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:58,692
three motors.
139
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,611
‐ So fire.
‐ What?
140
00:06:00,611 --> 00:06:02,237
‐ Hey, I gotta record my podcast.
141
00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:04,239
I'll be back in, like, three hours.
Okay...
142
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:08,202
‐ This thing? Game changer.
143
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:09,578
So, there's a separate toy for her,
144
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,164
and you can control each
other's devices with an app.
145
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:15,125
‐ I don't know.
I'm not really a sex toy guy.
146
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,002
I'm not even a toy guy.
147
00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:20,297
I had a bad experience with
a Lego astronaut as a kid.
148
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:23,091
He got lost... inside me.
149
00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,385
‐ Look... I don't care
150
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,888
if you stuffed a Lego astronaut
up your butt when you were little.
151
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:30,557
‐ What? I didn't do that.
I swallowed it.
152
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:31,600
‐ With your butt?
153
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,271
‐ I'm just gonna text Hannah
and tell her I can't do this.
154
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:37,689
‐ Uh‐uh‐uh! Sid,
155
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:41,026
Hannah is trying to keep things
fresh and fun and hot
156
00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:42,444
from 3,000 miles away!
157
00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:45,447
She is putting herself out there,
so you need to put yourself in there.
158
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,910
‐ Yeah, you're right, you're right. Okay.
159
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,954
Okay. Okay!
160
00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:54,081
So, what? Li'l Sid just...
161
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,707
goes into the black tube?
162
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:58,293
‐ Your nickname for your penis
has the word "li'l" in it?
163
00:06:58,293 --> 00:07:01,338
‐ Yeah. It's ironic
'cause he's comically large.
164
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,761
‐ Ellen?
165
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,848
‐ Oh... Hey.
166
00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:12,683
‐ I guess we have the same taste
in apartments, huh?
167
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,770
‐ Hey. Maybe we should
be roommates, after all.
168
00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:19,773
Just kidding. I know that
roommates aren't your thing.
169
00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:23,193
‐ Hi. I'm Ralph, Ellen's new roommate.
170
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,864
‐ See, I thought that I... I get it.
171
00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:29,825
Well, Ralph must be, like, your best
childhood pal or something.
172
00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:31,368
‐ I met him on Craigslist an hour ago.
173
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,954
‐ Wow. Okay, well, that is hurtful.
174
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,956
And also dangerous.
That man could be a...
175
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,625
:
pervert.
176
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:40,627
‐ Hey, I'm a good guy.
177
00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:42,880
I'm going to go test out the bathtub.
178
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,301
‐ Look, Charlie, the truth is
179
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,219
I just don't think we'd be
a good fit to live together.
180
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,721
I'm brand new to New York.
181
00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:53,223
I need to live with
someone who isn't so...
182
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:55,684
‐ clueless.
‐ Clueless?
183
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:58,812
I know my way around this city.
184
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,231
I even learned to keep my mouth
closed on the subway.
185
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,609
‐ Open your mouth for a treat.
186
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:06,904
‐ Ah!
187
00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:09,281
That was not a treat!
188
00:08:09,281 --> 00:08:12,784
Yes, I got very drunk trying to
disinfect my tongue, but I learned!
189
00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:18,332
‐ I'm sorry, what is this now?
190
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,501
‐ It's the Karate Kid.
191
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,461
Alright, break's over.
You think we got it?
192
00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,254
‐ Do you think we got it?
193
00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,381
‐ Jesse!
‐ Yeah?
194
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:29,635
‐ I've practicing my Twinkle Twinkle,
and it's getting really good!
195
00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:32,554
‐ Great! I know you've been working
really hard, and it's a complicated song.
196
00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,473
Some might say poetic.
197
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,393
‐ Hey, kid. Do me a favor.
198
00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,812
Hold this light reflector up for me?
199
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:43,315
Come on, I'll give you an Altoid.
200
00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:44,733
Here we go. Quick.
I don't wanna miss this shot.
201
00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:48,570
‐ Uh, uh, Sophie, please stop
photographing me and this child.
202
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,614
‐ Okay, but this could actually work.
203
00:08:50,614 --> 00:08:53,367
Okay, you, this cute kid? This is money!
204
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:54,826
MAN:
Jesse!
205
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,662
‐ Drew.
206
00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:58,413
Hi. Sophie,
207
00:08:58,413 --> 00:09:00,165
this is Drew.
208
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:01,875
The vice principal.
209
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,378
‐ What's going on here?
‐ Oh...
210
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:07,172
Jesse needs a date, real bad,
211
00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,675
and this little boy's
the only hope we've got.
212
00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,179
‐ Where's my Altoid?
213
00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:21,979
‐ Drew, listen‐‐
‐ Let me explain.
214
00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:23,897
We're taking these photos for Tinder.
215
00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:26,692
No, no, no, no, no.
216
00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,735
For Jesse's Tinder!
217
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,655
To get him dates!
We are not trying to get children dates.
218
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,282
I am very much against children dating.
219
00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:36,785
‐ So, this was all just to get
Jesse a new Tinder profile pic?
220
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,621
‐ Yes.
‐ Good luck with that.
221
00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:43,083
Jesse's signature looking‐up face
ruined the faculty photo this year.
222
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:46,086
It‐it was like he was seeing an airplane
for the very first time.
223
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,629
‐ I know, right?
224
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,882
"My god, a flying machine.
225
00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:51,925
Whatever will they think of next?"
226
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:56,930
‐ Hey, have we met before?
You‐you look familiar.
227
00:09:57,806 --> 00:10:00,601
‐ I don't think so.
I have one of those faces.
228
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:03,478
‐ Oh, I‐I don't think you have
one of those faces. I...
229
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,147
I think you have
a singularly great face.
230
00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:09,818
Uh, I should go.
231
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,570
Sophie, it's very nice to meet you.
232
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:15,824
I do need to ask you to leave
the premises immediately.
233
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:17,326
But it was very nice meeting you.
234
00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:20,996
‐ You, too. I understand.
235
00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,876
‐ Wow. He was super into you,
236
00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:28,712
even though you were giving off
strong Amber Alert vibes.
237
00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:30,506
‐ Really? You think so?
238
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,468
‐ Doesn't matter.
Today is "help Jesse find love" day.
239
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,470
‐ Yeah, Jesse's done, okay?
240
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:39,598
‐ Stop. Okay, okay,
maybe the apps aren't your vibe.
241
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,726
Legend has it, occasionally,
242
00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:44,353
people still meet in real life.
243
00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:47,064
Come on. Let's go to a bar.
I'll be your wingman.
244
00:10:47,064 --> 00:10:47,981
‐ I can't.
245
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,150
‐ Stop making excuses,
and let me help you.
246
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,151
‐ I'm not making excuses.
247
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:54,071
It's 1:30 PM on a Tuesday.
I'm at work.
248
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,572
‐ Right.
249
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:57,991
Okay. We'll go later.
250
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:03,080
Normal work hours are so random.
251
00:11:05,541 --> 00:11:08,126
Remember, the camera adds 10 pounds,
252
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,838
so your best angle naked
is from high up.
253
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:14,341
But, not too high!
You don't want Li'l Sid to get too li'l.
254
00:11:15,259 --> 00:11:16,885
‐ Okay. Wow.
255
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:19,263
I mean, you could give a TED Talk
on cross‐country coitus.
256
00:11:19,263 --> 00:11:20,973
‐ Aw, you're sweet.
257
00:11:20,973 --> 00:11:22,933
I've been in a ton of LDRs.
258
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,893
I was in a pretty serious one
with the ambassador to Peru.
259
00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:28,272
And then, I had a very hot thing
with a Polish pilot.
260
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,941
It is true what they say
about the Polish.
261
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:34,444
‐ No idea what they say, but wow.
You have lived a life.
262
00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:36,613
‐ Alright!
263
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:39,449
I think my work here is done.
264
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,288
‐ Ah!
‐ Get it!
265
00:11:44,288 --> 00:11:45,664
- I'm trying!
- Well, try harder!
266
00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:48,125
‐ Well, I didn't think
it'd play hard to get!
267
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:51,879
‐ Good day.
268
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:56,008
‐ I know that you have many
interested parties, such as her,
269
00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:58,177
but I want this apartment so much,
270
00:11:58,177 --> 00:12:00,679
I'm prepared to pay a year's cash upfront
271
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,890
and five percent over the asking.
272
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,726
‐ Let me think about that‐‐
Okay, yes, deal.
273
00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:11,398
‐ I thought you said
you didn't have any money.
274
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:14,610
‐ Well, I realized that
I can pawn my gold spoon.
275
00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:16,653
‐ This is exactly
what I was talking about.
276
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,947
I don't want to live
with some clueless rich guy
277
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:22,868
who was born with a literal
gold spoon in his mouth! Come on, Ralph!
278
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,912
‐ Not cool.
279
00:12:26,038 --> 00:12:27,581
‐ I wasn't born with it in my mouth.
280
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:30,876
It was gently placed in my hand
while I napped in my diamond crib.
281
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,923
You can't put a gold spoon
in a baby's mouth.
282
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,717
Choking hazard.
283
00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:47,434
‐ It's Drew. He's asking
for your phone number.
284
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,270
‐ Really?
‐ Yeah, should I give it to him?
285
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:54,691
‐ Nah, no. He's not really my type.
‐ Really?
286
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,652
You guys were all giggling and smiling
287
00:12:56,652 --> 00:12:58,570
and talking about
how singular your face is.
288
00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:02,199
‐ I said I'm good. Now, stop trying
to change the subject, okay?
289
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,201
Go talk to her.
290
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:06,995
‐ And say what?
291
00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:09,915
‐ How about, uh... "Hey!
292
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,960
I think you're gonna like me."
‐ So, lie to her?
293
00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:15,546
Fine.
294
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:21,760
‐ Hey!
‐ Hey.
295
00:13:23,387 --> 00:13:25,305
‐ I think you're gonna like me.
296
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,557
‐ Oh, am I?
297
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,476
‐ Honestly, it could go either way.
298
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,144
I mean, some people think
that I'm charming,
299
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,647
but other people
kind of find me, like, to be a lot.
300
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,023
Uh...
301
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,733
I could buy you a drink
if you're interested
302
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:38,819
in figuring out
which category you fit into.
303
00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:41,822
‐ Sure. I'll have a margarita.
304
00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:42,948
‐ Okay.
305
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,496
‐ She will have a margarita.
306
00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:59,923
‐ Hey, babe.
Hey. Whoa,
307
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:02,634
you look amazing! Great angle.
308
00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:05,888
‐ Really? 'Cause I didn't
even think about my setup.
309
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:08,807
‐ Okay, I'm turning mine...
310
00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,225
on.
311
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,227
‐ Okay, well, watch out 'cause soon
I'll be turning you on.
312
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:17,107
Uh... Wait, something's wrong with mine.
313
00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:20,611
God, the WiFi in here is so bad.
314
00:14:23,322 --> 00:14:24,364
Come with me.
315
00:14:27,743 --> 00:14:29,244
Anyone home?
316
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,623
Alright.
317
00:14:33,332 --> 00:14:35,417
Yeah, the signal's way better in here
318
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,586
Okay.
319
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:43,967
Let me just open the app
that controls your toy...
320
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:46,303
MICHAEL BARBARO :
Today on The Daily...
321
00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,096
- This thing has a speaker!
- ...the survivor
322
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,681
of a rare bacterial infection...
323
00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:52,142
‐ Is that... The Daily?
...talks to us about losing
324
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,478
all his limbs...
‐ Yeah, I'm trying to turn it off.
325
00:14:54,478 --> 00:14:56,271
BARBARO:
...and most of his lower face.
326
00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:57,814
I'm Michael Barbaro.
327
00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:00,859
‐ Okay.
328
00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,152
‐ Okay.
329
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:04,404
‐ Where were we?
330
00:15:08,534 --> 00:15:10,369
Yeah. Hannah, I can't do this.
331
00:15:11,370 --> 00:15:14,122
Alright, Li'l Sid's stuck
in a Chinese finger trap.
332
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,416
Big Sid can't stop thinking about
flesh‐eating bacteria. I mean,
333
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,336
this sucks even more than
cooking FaceTime fish!
334
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:21,421
Which I have to pretend
to be psyched about once a week.
335
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:24,049
‐ I know it sucks.
336
00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:26,802
Long‐distance relationships suck,
337
00:15:26,802 --> 00:15:29,221
but at least I'm trying!
338
00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,769
BARBARO:
Here's what else you need to know today.
339
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:38,814
‐ No! There's nothing else I need
340
00:15:38,814 --> 00:15:40,190
:
to know today!
341
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,400
Michael!
342
00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:44,611
‐ Uh, another drink?
343
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,405
‐ I'd love that!
‐ Okay, great.
344
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:54,705
‐ Siri. Text Fort Greene Girls.
345
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:58,500
"OMG. You will not believe
was hitting on me right now!"
346
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:00,878
All caps. "Proposal Fail Guy.
347
00:16:00,878 --> 00:16:03,505
"I literally cannot!
I'm dying!
348
00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:06,717
I'm gonna try to get him
to sing me his sad proposal song."
349
00:16:06,717 --> 00:16:07,843
L‐O‐L, exclamation,
350
00:16:07,843 --> 00:16:10,679
skull face, exclamation,
L‐O‐L, exclamation, skull face,
351
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,389
exclamation, L‐O‐‐
‐ Excuse me.
352
00:16:13,098 --> 00:16:16,560
‐ We're getting drinks from the bar, but
I'll have a water and fries. Thank you!
353
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,895
‐ I'm not your waitress.
354
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,649
Okay, I get the confusion.
355
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,652
But, this is about my friend Jesse, okay?
356
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,030
And he is not some
punchline for you to tell
357
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,032
your dumb friends about at boozy brunch.
358
00:16:30,032 --> 00:16:32,784
He's an incredible guy,
and I am killing myself
359
00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:34,786
to make him believe
that he will find love.
360
00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:38,248
Do you know how hard
it is to believe that?
361
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:42,044
Do you know what it's like
to go on 87 first dates?
362
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:43,462
No, 88.
363
00:16:43,462 --> 00:16:45,839
88 first dates and have none of them lead
364
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:48,342
to anything even close
to a real relationship?
365
00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:51,220
Have you ever met a totally cute,
366
00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:52,930
nice vice principal
who wants to take you out,
367
00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,640
and all you can think about is why?
368
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:55,933
What's the point?
369
00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:58,268
If I say yes, he's inevitably
just going to turn into
370
00:16:58,268 --> 00:16:59,770
failed date number 89!
371
00:17:00,646 --> 00:17:03,524
‐ Yes. Actually, I know
exactly what you mean.
372
00:17:03,524 --> 00:17:05,609
Dating in this city is killing me
and seriously‐‐
373
00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:08,695
‐ No! No, no, you do not get
to be relatable right now.
374
00:17:09,655 --> 00:17:12,241
‐ Okay, look.
Yes, I was texting my friends
375
00:17:12,241 --> 00:17:14,535
about meeting Proposal Fail Guy,
376
00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:16,453
but I still wanted to sleep with him.
377
00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:18,914
Uh, is the "sleeping with me" thing
378
00:17:18,914 --> 00:17:20,624
still on the table or...
379
00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:23,418
‐ No. Your mean waitress friend ruined it!
380
00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:25,462
‐ Waitress?
381
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,344
‐ I think you're gonna like me.
382
00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,938
‐ Hey. Thanks for
letting me borrow all this.
383
00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:45,691
‐ How'd it go?
‐ Very, very poorly.
384
00:17:45,691 --> 00:17:48,485
‐ I can tell. If you'd used
the Vyper Ace correctly,
385
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,487
you wouldn't be walking right now.
386
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,906
Talk to me.
387
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:54,157
‐ Um...
388
00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:56,076
When Hannah took the residency in LA,
389
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,829
we promised each other we wouldn't be
like other long‐distance couples.
390
00:17:58,829 --> 00:18:01,456
Like, we'd make time for
our relationship, but...
391
00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:05,085
between her surgery rotations and me
trying to keep this bar afloat,
392
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:06,545
it's just harder than
I thought it would be.
393
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:08,547
To feel close to her.
394
00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:11,425
And I hate it. I just miss her.
395
00:18:12,718 --> 00:18:14,803
I just want to cook dinner in
the same room as Hannah.
396
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:17,431
Or, like, read the newspaper
with her on a Sunday.
397
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,893
Have sex with her human vagina.
398
00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:22,895
‐ That is so romantic.
399
00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:25,898
I have an idea.
‐ Yeah?
400
00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:28,025
‐ God, you are lucky you met me!
401
00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:35,282
‐ I'm sorry about tonight.
‐ That's okay.
402
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:38,493
Camilla didn't look like
she was very good at sex anyway.
403
00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:41,830
‐ Yeah, she did.
‐ Yeah, she did.
404
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:47,753
All that stuff you said to her,
that was, uh...
405
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:49,713
kind of intense, huh?
406
00:18:50,631 --> 00:18:53,175
‐ You remember that night
when we met at the bar,
407
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:56,512
and you guessed that my parents
had a really happy marriage?
408
00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:59,515
‐ I'm so sorry about that.
Valentina told me I was way off.
409
00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:01,558
‐ Yeah.
410
00:19:02,476 --> 00:19:03,477
You were.
411
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:05,312
Hm.
412
00:19:08,065 --> 00:19:10,567
My childhood was kind of a mess.
413
00:19:11,443 --> 00:19:15,239
It was just my mom and I bouncing around
from one boyfriend's house to the next.
414
00:19:16,532 --> 00:19:19,826
We were more like, you know,
sisters than mother‐daughter.
415
00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:23,247
And I was the big sister.
‐ Oof.
416
00:19:23,247 --> 00:19:24,498
‐ Always...
417
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:27,417
picking up the pieces after every breakup.
418
00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:31,380
And I got really good at fixing her.
419
00:19:33,465 --> 00:19:36,844
So, fixer became my go‐to mode.
420
00:19:38,512 --> 00:19:41,014
Especially when I can't figure out
how to fix things for myself.
421
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:46,436
‐ Uh, fix things for yourself, you mean...
422
00:19:46,937 --> 00:19:49,940
‐ You know, like, find my person.
423
00:19:51,692 --> 00:19:53,735
I want to so bad,
424
00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:57,030
and it just... keeps not happening.
425
00:19:58,657 --> 00:20:00,033
‐ Okay. Sophie...
426
00:20:00,701 --> 00:20:04,246
Repeat after me.
"Today is the first chapter
427
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:07,416
of my next great love story." Come on.
428
00:20:09,877 --> 00:20:12,838
‐ Today is the first chapter of my...
429
00:20:12,838 --> 00:20:15,841
next great love story.
‐ Next... Love story. Hell yeah.
430
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,762
‐ Alright, this is me.
431
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:22,973
Good night, Sophie.
‐ Good night, Jesse.
432
00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:33,400
‐ Open your mouth for a treat.
433
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,902
‐ Not tonight, Frank.
434
00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:42,326
‐ Hi.
435
00:20:44,578 --> 00:20:46,079
‐ Hi.
436
00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:48,916
‐ How how's your amazing new apartment?
437
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:52,002
‐ Didn't exactly work out.
438
00:20:52,461 --> 00:20:54,922
Smile and say, "new apartment"!
439
00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:58,717
‐ Alright, that was fun.
440
00:20:58,717 --> 00:21:00,385
How about that year of rent
you promised?
441
00:21:00,886 --> 00:21:02,137
‐ On it.
442
00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:05,807
Ah!
443
00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:06,934
‐ Ugh.
444
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:09,895
Well, if makes you feel any better,
my day wasn't great, either.
445
00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:12,814
‐ Hi. I'd like to open a line of credit.
446
00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:16,360
My name's Ellen,
and my social security number is...
447
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,613
‐ He bought a camcorder, a bra,
and three jars of honey
448
00:21:19,613 --> 00:21:21,323
before I could cancel the credit card.
449
00:21:21,782 --> 00:21:23,534
He was definitely a pervert.
450
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:27,496
‐ Look, Ellen, I'm really sorry
I tried to steal the apartment.
451
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:31,250
‐ I'm sorry for lying to you
about wanting a roommate.
452
00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:34,294
Maybe I don't need a grizzled
New Yorker to show me the ropes.
453
00:21:34,294 --> 00:21:36,713
Maybe I just need a good person
454
00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:38,465
who won't steal my identity,
455
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:41,260
and we can figure out
how to crush the city together.
456
00:21:42,386 --> 00:21:44,638
I mean, if you'd still have me?
457
00:21:44,638 --> 00:21:47,891
‐ Absolutely. Together,
we will take this city by storm.
458
00:21:47,891 --> 00:21:50,352
We are not afraid of you, New York.
459
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:52,271
‐ We're the bravest people in the city!
460
00:22:01,238 --> 00:22:02,948
‐ Hey.
‐ Hi!
461
00:22:03,615 --> 00:22:05,325
What are you doing here?
462
00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:07,828
‐ This is me, uh, trying.
463
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,712
‐ That is so sweet.
464
00:22:16,712 --> 00:22:19,756
But, that last‐minute flight
must have cost you a fortune.
465
00:22:19,756 --> 00:22:23,093
‐ Not really. I mean, it's a long story,
but I got hooked up.
466
00:22:23,093 --> 00:22:25,304
I have this friend who was
in a long‐distance relationship
467
00:22:25,304 --> 00:22:27,306
with a Polish pilot. Yeah.
‐ Huh...
468
00:22:28,265 --> 00:22:30,934
‐ Like I said, back in 2022,
469
00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:34,354
having a great profile photo
was essential,
470
00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:37,399
but it wasn't everything.
You also had to be willing
471
00:22:37,399 --> 00:22:39,026
to put yourself out there,
472
00:22:39,026 --> 00:22:41,320
time and time again,
473
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,615
even when you just wanted
to curl up under a blanket
474
00:22:44,615 --> 00:22:46,575
with a box of Froot Loops,
475
00:22:46,575 --> 00:22:48,452
a box of wine,
476
00:22:48,452 --> 00:22:51,288
and some unboxing videos.
477
00:22:51,288 --> 00:22:53,290
SOPHIE'S SON:
What the hell is an unboxing video?
478
00:22:55,209 --> 00:22:56,752
‐ For a brief time, when I was younger,
479
00:22:56,752 --> 00:22:58,795
everyone was very into watching
480
00:22:58,795 --> 00:23:01,006
other people open stuff on camera.
481
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,051
SOPHIE'S SON: Sounds dark.
‐ Mm, it was.
482
00:23:05,928 --> 00:23:07,471
But, anyway...
483
00:23:48,303 --> 00:23:49,304
‐ Hello?
484
00:23:49,304 --> 00:23:52,474
‐ Hi, Drew. It's Sophie,
485
00:23:52,474 --> 00:23:54,101
Jesse's photographer friend.
486
00:23:54,101 --> 00:23:55,853
‐ Oh. Hi.
487
00:23:56,937 --> 00:24:00,315
‐ Jesse said that you
asked for my number, so...
488
00:24:00,315 --> 00:24:02,568
well, I thought I'd beat you to the punch.
489
00:24:02,568 --> 00:24:05,279
‐ Oh, amazing.
You know, I was going crazy
490
00:24:05,279 --> 00:24:06,864
trying to figure out
where I know you from,
491
00:24:06,864 --> 00:24:08,740
and then I realized that we met
492
00:24:08,740 --> 00:24:10,701
at Sid and Hannah's engagement party.
493
00:24:10,701 --> 00:24:12,202
‐ We did?
494
00:24:14,580 --> 00:24:16,164
Excuse me!
You wouldn't happen to have
495
00:24:16,164 --> 00:24:17,916
a cell phone charger handy, would you?
496
00:24:17,916 --> 00:24:21,044
‐ Oh, uh, yeah.
Never leave home without it.
497
00:24:21,587 --> 00:24:22,838
‐ Thanks!
498
00:24:22,838 --> 00:24:25,007
‐ Yeah. Yeah, Hannah's a college friend.
499
00:24:27,009 --> 00:24:29,219
So, uh, what are you doing Friday night?
500
00:24:29,928 --> 00:24:31,513
‐ Having dinner with you.
36506
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