All language subtitles for Ghosts S01E13

Wow, we really
pulled this place together.

Do you think Kenny and Liz will like it?

I hope so. And I hope Liz Grams
the hell out of this wedding

for her 300,000 followers.

Oh, I know I've made
fun of her social media,

but now that it could help us
launch our bed-and-breakfast,

- we are the ones who are #Blessed.

Oh, this is lovely!

I hope these nuptials
go better than mine.

Elias arrived late, drunk,

and smelling of the maid's perfume.

Hetty, why would you marry that guy?

My father needed to close a land deal,

and I was deemed his
most comely daughter.

Damn Margaret and her
mustache. She dodged a bullet.

Hey, you got a minute?

Something I need you to see.

Those are always
expensive words to hear.

Oh, Mark, is it bad news?

This could actually be good news.

Well, I'll bring a check
for five grand just in case.

No need. I have your card on file now.

Great.

MARK: So, I was doing some rewiring,

and when I turned this sconce,
I heard a click from that wall.

Check this out.

And that's when I discovered
something behind this paneling.

Is it a secret passageway?

Don't toy with my emotions, Mark.

It's never a secret passageway.

But in this case, it is.

- How about that mislead, babe?
- Mark's having fun.

Oh! Oh!

- Did you know about this, Hetty?
- I did not!

What is down the passageway?

Oh, it's good.

I don't understand.

So, we just have a bank
vault under our house?

Well, you said a robber
baron lived here, right?

What? Babe, we might be rich.

Unless, of course, this
is a Geraldo situation.

What is Geraldo?

He was this news anchor
who did this live TV special

where he opened up Al Capone's vault.

And inside? Bubkes.

Don't get me started on Al Capone.

That man was clingy.
- Can you open it?

Think so.

Course, it'll take a while.

- Won't be cheap.
- Mark.

Say the word. Card's on file.

My crooked husband must have
built this to embezzle my riches.

Hetty thinks there
might be riches inside.

If this thing is filled with gold coins,

I am definitely gonna
Scrooge McDuck in 'em.

Can one of you walk through the
door and see what's in there?

I'll do it. A Pinecone Trooper's
always up for an adventure.

- Oh! Peter!

I've never seen that happen before.

Pete bounced off the vault door.

A surface that's
impenetrable to ghosts?

I love it when the
mythology gets expanded.

Puny Pete must not be strong enough.

Stand back.

Well, this is mysterious.

♪

Hetty, do you have any idea

what combination Elias could have used?

Oh, that's a good idea.

Try 0603.

Try 0603.

- It was our anniversary.
- JAY:0603.

- Oh, nope.
- Okay.

Fine. Uh, try 1101.

1101?

- The maid's birthday.

- Yes!
- Oh!

Ah, that is heavy!

Okay.

Damn it!

There's nothing in here.

Aw. No riches.

See, now picture this

but with Geraldo having
to vamp for two hours.

- Sweet Lord, I'm finally free.

Who are all you people? Hetty!

Elias. How are you not rotting in hell?

Good to see you, too.

The ghost of a robber baron
just popped out of our safe.

Hey, where's all your gold, man?

Hi! I'm Pete. Nice to meet you.

Welcome.

Back, I guess. Welcome back.

Oh, my God.

- Is that... ?!
- My corpse?

It is. The only thing
that kept me company

when I was locked in there
for the last 130 years.

Not much of a talker, though.

That must be Kenny and Liz. I'll get it.

Okay. I'll just stay in here

with the corpse and all the ghosts.

I was kidding. Sam, please slow down!

Sam!

So, this is where you've
been all this time?

Yes. What did you think
when I just disappeared?

Didn't you search for me?

You didn't tell anyone about the vault.

I assumed that you ran off
with one of your many floozies.

No. The vault maker locked me in here.

- He left me to suffocate.
- Oh.

His wife and I had grown close.

Oh, God.
- And when he finished the vault,

there was a debate over payment

- and the paternity of his son, but...
- Oh.

Wait, all of you are ghosts?

Yeah, bro. We've all died on
the property over the years.

PETE: Most people go up,

- but we just stick around for some reason.
- THORFINN: Hi.

I am Thorfinn.

I like herring and...

Wonderful. Now, how do-eth you, madam?

Really?

Mm-mm. Not happening.

- Hi! Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!
- Hi!

Oh, I am so excited to be here.

I can't believe we're
getting married tomorrow.

Kenny, did you get that?

Oh! Sorry, the phone wasn't ready.

Uh... Okay, this
is gonna be a big weekend

for us, so I'm gonna need
you to have your phone

- in your hand at all times, okay?
- Yeah.

These two seem like a lot.

Oh, so, who's this little guy?

Oh, this is Rooney,

our rescue that we rescued.

Oh, my God, Rooney. I follow him.

Uh, Rooney's got,
like, 30,000 followers.

What's a follower?

Well, in the cult, it referred to anyone

who'd gotten the tattoo
and slept with Bruce.

Are you guys gonna post any
pictures while you're here?

Feel free to tag us. #WoodstoneB&B.

I absolutely will,

just after the wedding.

Actually on a short social
media vacay right now.

- It's part of a brand strategy

to make sure that Liz

seems more present
for life's big moments.

LIZ: Exactly.

Because life is about what happens

when the cameras aren't rolling.

- Kenny, did you get that?
- Oh, sorry.

- Damn it. Okay, we'll roll it back.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I still can't believe
I didn't ascend into heaven.

I paid the church. There was a contract!

Did you pay for me, too,
or was it just a solo trip?

I was a little pinched at the time.

The mill workers had unionized,

which I put down violently,

but somebody had to pay for that mob.

That is not a great story.

TREVOR: So, you're an
actual robber baron.

I mean, you're, like,
really rich, right?

Let me put it to you this way:
I ate meat several times a week.

Well, it's not a Lamborghini,
but that's very cool.

So, did anyone else from our
day stick around as a ghost?

He's gonna ask about the maid.

Like, oh, I don't know, say, the maid?

Just to name someone randomly.

No, she's no longer here,

you syphilitic reprobate.

First off, everybody fun had syphilis.

And I don't appreciate that tone.

HETTY: Well, then
maybe you should go back

down to your vault and talk
to your withered corpse.

There it is again.

What happened to my obedient wife?

Well, modern women don't
just defer to their husbands,

Elias, and I have learned from
the living lady of the house

that when she doesn't like
something, she says so.

Like when Jay spent $500 on action doll.

Big mistake.

That living lady is a
dangerous influence on you

with her newfangled notions.

HETTY: She and Jay have
simply opened my eyes.

They have a respectful marriage,

and you were a terrible husband, Elias.

And my least favorite cousin.

I don't have to stand here and
listen to another word of this!

Look, it's not important,
but how hot was this maid?

What kind of servant
doesn't move out of the way?

You want to go into that
room and have sex right now?

I... What?

- I want you like I've never wanted anyone.
- Uh,

sorry, I'm married. But that was
a much-needed confidence boost.

What are you talking about?

About you hitting on me just now?

You wish.

Wow.

And this is where it all happens.

Wow. The wedding planner was raving

about the heritage menu you're doing.

Now, I've never had squab.

What's that like?

I'd say it's like pigeon.
It's a lot like pigeon.

Well, I'm really
looking forward to seeing

- what you come up with.

Oh! Blast it, that hurt.

Uh...

are you okay?

Yeah.

I feel real good.

Oh, great.

Well, I-I'll just show you the sauces.

All I can think about
is grabbing your butt.

- What? What is it? What's going on, Jay?
- Okay.

I don't know how to tell you this.

Liz hit on me.

- What? The bride?
- Oh, okay.

Wait, what does that mean?

- You don't believe me?
- No, it's just, are you sure

this isn't, like, an
Olive Garden situation?

Okay, that waitress
definitely hit on me.

- What is the Olive Garden?
- SAMANTHA: It's a restaurant

known for its endless
breadstick baskets.

- Alberta and Sass are here.
- Oh, hey.

Endless? How is that even possible?

Jay and I ate there a couple months ago,

and our waitress was
refilling our bread basket...

Yeah, and then I said,
"No, thank you, or I'll eat

'olive' them." Olive.

Tonya laughed for six straight minutes.

Yeah, she works for tips, Jay.

Hey, this is a victory for you.

You have me. You're
living Tonya's dream.

Okay, so, what exactly did Liz say?

She said all she could think
about was grabbing my butt.

Mm. That little thing?

Wait, seriously? She did hit on you.

- That's insane.
- JAY: Do we tell Kenny?

Because if we tell Kenny,

then this wedding probably
gets called off, right?

Liz was gonna post about it.

This was gonna put us on the map.

But we got to tell him, right?

Yes.

Ugh, why do you have to
be so damn irresistible?

Sorry. It's a curse.

Hey, guys.

What's wrong, Samantha?

It has been a day.

Tell me about it.

I cannot believe Elias is back.

Till death do us part.
It's right in the vows.

So, why'd you have a bad day, Samantha?

Well, the bride hit on Jay,

and now Kenny's probably
gonna call the whole thing off.

- What?
- Wait, seriously?

Now she's not gonna post
pictures of the mansion,

and we're not even gonna
get paid for the wedding.

We're, like, this close
to defaulting on our loan.

HETTY: Samantha, what are you saying?

Okay, I hadn't told you guys,

but if we don't start making money soon,

we could lose the house.

No, you cannot leave us!

Just when I finally learned to
look beyond the hideous pants

and see the wonderful person
inside the hideous pants.

You think I want to leave?
I don't know what to do.

I have it. Solution.

You and small man kill yourselves.

Become ghosts. And then
we are friends forever.

But they might not
actually become ghosts.

Right, that's the
problem with that plan.

Hello, all. Get your
spatter dashes off my table.

I had it upholstered with the hide

of a white rhinoceros I shot in Kenya.

Oh, my God. Those are extinct now.

Really? We got 'em all? Bully for us.

Man, he is evil.

And I used to pillage for a living.

- Oh! That thing ran through my leg.

Skin that beast and
turn it into a table.

Must everything be a table?

TREVOR: Well, he's really
interested in that teddy bear.

THORFINN: Ah! Look at the little guy go.

Good boy. Yes, use your hips.

One walk through you and the
dog becomes a sex pervert.

Can't say I'm surprised.

Wait, Elias, did you walk
through any Livings today?

Like the bride, to be specific?

Yes, in fact, I did accidentally
happen through her. Why?

That's it. That's why Liz hit on Jay.

Your ghost power is that when people...

or animals, apparently...

walk through you, they get horny.

Really?

Okay, I know he's controversial,

- but that's pretty cool.
- Yeah.

It wasn't Liz's fault at all.

She didn't mean to hit on Jay.

I've got to stop Jay telling Kenny.

HETTY: Well, I hope you're happy.

You nearly ruined this wedding.

Those two are hemorrhaging cash.

They need this to be a success.

You're saying those
Livings need this wedding

to go off without a hitch,

otherwise they'll be leaving?

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Hmm.

Why is he literally
twirling his mustache?

It can't be good.

Kenny, hey.

- I've been looking all over for you.
- What's up, buddy?

I don't know how to say this. Um...

Okay, y-you know how I'm always
getting hit on by random women?

Is this about the
Cheesecake Factory waitress?

There's an entire factory
dedicated to cheesecake?

- It's as amazing as it sounds.
- Wow.

- No, it's not about her.
- You know, she probably writes

"thank you" with the
little heart-shaped Os

on every receipt. She works for tips.

Uh, Jay, can I just,
uh, grab you for a sec?

Actually, Kenny and I
were just about to have

- a difficult conversation.
- We were?

Well, no difficult
conversations are needed,

because everything is actually okay.

Oh, hey, it's the Monopoly guy.

What are you talking about, Sam?

I'm talking about the fact that...

Criminy.

ISAAC: Oh, what are you doing, man?

Just spreading a little love.

Aw, that's sweet.

You two are looking good.

Very good.

Jay? What's going on?

I haven't seen Sam this worked up

since she saw that
movie The Holiday on TV.

- Sam?
- Damnation!

You can't just walk through people.

- It's the greatest pain there is.
- Well, actually...

- Yes, yes, we know.
- Okay.

Well, hello, you two.

Did you leave the oven on?
Or is it just getting...

hot in here?

Well, enjoy the show.

JAY: Hey, Kenny,

didn't you say you didn't
have a bachelor party?

Well, how about we have
a little party right here?

- What?
- I could be Cameron Diaz,

and you two could be
a couple of Jude Laws.

Okay, that was not in the movie.

- What is that?

Did you just meow at me?

What are you doing? What's going on?

I don't think I'm tall
enough to be Jude Law.

Liz. Liz. Liz!

Oh.

What happened? I feel
like I just blacked out.

Me, too. I-I have the strangest urge

to watch a Nancy Meyers movie.

Kenny? What's happening?

These two just propositioned
me for a threesome.

They what?

We what?

It was Elias.

Oh, God.

Uh, there's got to be some
kind of misunderstanding.

No. No. Uh, we did
proposition Kenny, actually.

- What?
- JAY: Babe.

As a test of your faithfulness.

And guess what. You passed.

- Yep, you passed. Flying colors.
- LIZ: I'm sorry,

you two tried to have sex with my Kenny

the day before my wedding?

No. No, God, no.

Oh, my God, no, I would
not have sex with Kenny.

But you guys should definitely
have sex with each other.

Okay, this is too weird.

Uh, disgusting. We will not
be having our wedding here.

No, no, no, don't leave.
What about the squab?

- The squab!

You know, a bake sale's a
quick way to earn some cash.

O... our troop once
raised $78 in one week.

- Thanks, Pete.
- What's happening?

The ghosts are pitching
ways for us to make money.

That's sweet.

- Any viable ideas?
- ALBERTA: I have a plan.

But it only works if
you have a tommy gun.

Not really.

TREVOR: Here's what you
do. You go to New York.

You look up this guy I know.
He's gonna double your money.

His name, Bernie Madoff.

Miracle worker.

I robbed a bank once, if that helps.

- Did I ever tell you guys about that?

I don't think we're gonna
get out of this mess, Sam.

We're up to our ears in debt.

This house is our only asset.

I think we're gonna have to sell.

Aw, are the poors gonna have to leave?

That didn't take long.

I'd tell you exactly how long,

but unfortunately this
thing doesn't work anymore.

You'd think, for $5,000,

it would last into the afterlife.

You spent $5,000 on a watch?!

Wait a minute.

If Elias has that valuable
timepiece on his ghostly person,

- that must mean...
- The real watch must be on his corpse.

What about a corpse?

Babe, I need you to do me a quick favor.

Yeah, I don't think I can do this.

It's looking right at me.

Babe, he's not looking at you.

His eyes are little, withered husks.

That is not having the calming
effect that you want it to.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh.

I know what pocket he kept it in,

- but I confess, I'm enjoying this.

SAMANTHA: Guys?

- We got it.
- THORFINN: Yes!

- All right!
- I bet that's worth

a pretty penny in today's dollars.

Definitely enough to keep the bank

off our backs for a few months.

- Take that, bank.
- Yes, I'm sure the bank

will be very hurt that
you're making timely payments.

- So, this means you're not selling the house?
- SAMANTHA: No, Sass,

we're staying. We have a few more months

to get the business up and running.

Well, I am very happy about that.

Oh, look, Elias, another opinion.

And nothing you can do about it.

You think this is over? That
I'm just going to give up?

As long as I'm here,

they will never host a wedding

that I don't turn into an all-out orgy.

So just normal wedding?

And I won't stop there.
Whatever they host,

I'll make it horny.

Funeral? Horny.

High tea? Horny.

Baptism? Ravenous thrust-fest.

Is this starting to sound
good to anybody else?

Why are you doing this?

Because I want you Livings out of here.

You have corrupted my Hetty.

No! I haven't been corrupted.

I have changed. A little.

For the better, I
think. Let's be honest.

Elias, you and I were not good people.

We stole. We exploited.

We profited off of others' misery.

We did have fun.

But while you were
trapped in that vault,

I have been out here.

Learning from these people.

Learning from Alberta to speak my mind

and learning from Sam

that the Irish are
people, too, apparently.

- She says it, but I don't think she believes it.
- HETTY: Yes,

I complain about being here.

And yes, I do want to be
sucked off more than anything.

But these people have taught
me how to be a better Hetty.

And I say there's hope for you, too,

Elias.

You're here for eternity.

Why not use it to change?

I don't need to be a better person.

There is no good or evil.

That's just a story we tell ourselves.

And I know better.

So, Hetty, get this through your tiny,

inferior female brain.

I will never change.

Well, then, you can go to hell.

Whoa!

Oh, my God!

He just went down on us.

I didn't know that could happen.

Yeah, I don't love having
to worry about that.

Did I... Did I just... ?

Is that my power, we think?
Banishing people to Hades?

Or it was him just yelling
he was never gonna change

and basically thumbing
his nose at the universe.

That's another possibility.

Well, we should try it out.

Trevor, go to hell.

- Why?! Why?! Why?!

Why?! Why would you pick
me?! What is wrong with you?!

Guess not.

- That was so scary.
- Oh, calm down.

I mean, this is just a big
day in terms of ghost rules.

So, the floor opens up,

and this guy falls through
right in front of you?

That's incredible.

Well, Jay seems awfully
gleeful about this new horror

we all have hanging over our heads.

You got to tell me how
it happened. I mean,

was it hot? Was there screaming?

Was country music playing?

Well, there was screaming,

but I'm pretty sure that
was just from our ghosts.

Thor not scream. Thor not scared

of some silly hole in
the ground.

Because Thor working
towards being better person.

Very open to change.

It all happened so fast. It was,
like, this red light, suddenly,

and then whoosh.

Mm! He went down on us.

Alberta, I'm not sure
that's the best term...

What? If that's
the term that she wants to use,

then she can do it.

Hello, all.

I'm feeling in a good mood,

so you may all remain on
this earthly plane tonight.

So funny.

Hetty just came in, joking about
trying to send Trevor to hell.

Aw, too soon, Hetty.

Trevor, I told you, I knew
it wasn't going to work.

I don't actually have that power.

Or do I?

Thorfinn, you're in my seat.

Moving! Yes.

Wasn't comfortable there, anyways.