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1
00:02:10,048 --> 00:02:11,507
Hi.
2
00:02:11,549 --> 00:02:14,177
Sorry, sir, this is
a private meeting.
3
00:02:14,218 --> 00:02:16,638
Uh, this is SA, right?
4
00:02:16,679 --> 00:02:19,098
Yeah.
5
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:20,350
Can I come in?
6
00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:21,684
It's invitation only.
7
00:02:23,478 --> 00:02:26,939
Let... um, Landis.
8
00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:28,274
What?
9
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:29,734
Landis.
10
00:02:29,776 --> 00:02:31,569
Right? Isn't that the...
the password?
11
00:02:31,611 --> 00:02:32,945
No.
12
00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:34,131
That was last week's
password.
13
00:02:34,155 --> 00:02:35,382
Well, that... that's the
password
14
00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:37,450
that was given to me, so...
15
00:02:37,492 --> 00:02:39,535
- Who told you?
- It's kind of complicated.
16
00:02:39,577 --> 00:02:41,371
Could... could I just come
inside, please?
17
00:02:41,412 --> 00:02:42,789
Sorry, can't let ya in.
18
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,123
Wait, wait, wait.
19
00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:46,834
I've got cookies
and doughnuts.
20
00:02:46,876 --> 00:02:49,128
Thanks.
21
00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:51,381
- Now beat it.
- No!
22
00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:53,466
Listen, listen, listen,
listen, listen, listen!
23
00:02:55,385 --> 00:02:56,761
I'm the Naperville Ripper.
24
00:02:58,554 --> 00:02:59,639
Then go to the cops.
25
00:02:59,681 --> 00:03:01,599
I can't.
I need help.
26
00:03:01,641 --> 00:03:04,602
And you may be the only ones
who know what's going on.
27
00:03:04,644 --> 00:03:07,271
Okay? There's some seriously
weird shit is happening
28
00:03:07,313 --> 00:03:09,190
to me right now.
29
00:03:09,232 --> 00:03:11,609
Please, I have nowhere
else to go.
30
00:03:11,651 --> 00:03:13,486
Listen, when he called
the hotline,
31
00:03:13,528 --> 00:03:16,280
Zella said he was kind of
a douche.
32
00:03:16,322 --> 00:03:17,615
Zella, the woman on the phone?
33
00:03:17,657 --> 00:03:18,676
The one who thinks she's
a squirrel?
34
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:20,159
I mean, uh...
35
00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:21,201
Hey, come on, Scott,
lighten up
36
00:03:21,202 --> 00:03:22,662
and let the poor guy in.
37
00:03:26,165 --> 00:03:27,417
Thank you.
38
00:03:27,458 --> 00:03:31,003
Thank you very much.
39
00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:32,255
Thank you, Scott.
40
00:03:41,931 --> 00:03:44,183
Welcome to
Shapeshifters Anonymous.
41
00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,686
I'm Irena Reed,
chapter president.
42
00:03:46,728 --> 00:03:48,604
- Oh, yeah, hi, I...
- Ooh.
43
00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:07,206
It's a beautiful
basement.
44
00:04:07,248 --> 00:04:09,500
Thank you.
45
00:04:09,542 --> 00:04:11,169
So, uh, what's your name?
46
00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:12,962
Oh, I thought this
was anonymous.
47
00:04:13,004 --> 00:04:14,857
Oh, the founders thought
that Shapeshifters Anonymous
48
00:04:14,881 --> 00:04:16,507
had more gravitas.
49
00:04:16,549 --> 00:04:18,342
- Gravitas?
- Mm-hmm.
50
00:04:18,384 --> 00:04:21,387
You know, depth.
51
00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:23,431
Sorry, I'm a schoolteacher,
and it's one of
52
00:04:23,473 --> 00:04:25,683
our vocab words this week.
53
00:04:25,725 --> 00:04:27,935
When this group was
created, they thought that
54
00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:30,146
Shapeshifters Anonymous
sounded better than any
55
00:04:30,188 --> 00:04:32,440
of the other potential
options.
56
00:04:32,482 --> 00:04:36,944
We were this close to be
called Shapeshifters R Us.
57
00:04:36,986 --> 00:04:38,571
Okay.
58
00:04:39,572 --> 00:04:41,032
My name is Robert Weston,
59
00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:44,452
and I have been having
a very hard time...
60
00:04:44,494 --> 00:04:46,245
- Mm-hmm.
- ...lately and I don't know
61
00:04:46,287 --> 00:04:47,955
where else to turn, so...
62
00:04:47,997 --> 00:04:51,042
Well, we find it best to
start at the beginning.
63
00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:53,002
About three months ago...
64
00:04:53,044 --> 00:04:55,421
this is gonna sound kind
of weird, but I started
65
00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:58,591
finding strange things in
my, uh, toilet.
66
00:04:58,633 --> 00:05:00,277
I've never had any health
problems before, actually,
67
00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:02,929
I think I'm in pretty good
shape, but this threw me.
68
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,597
I couldn't quite figure
out what it was.
69
00:05:04,639 --> 00:05:06,599
I mean, it was sort of like
little white stones
70
00:05:06,641 --> 00:05:08,935
and bits of fabric.
71
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:12,605
The doctor asked me to
bring in a sample of my, um,
72
00:05:12,647 --> 00:05:14,690
my... my stool.
73
00:05:14,732 --> 00:05:16,234
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪
74
00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:17,902
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪
75
00:05:17,944 --> 00:05:20,530
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas,
and a happy ♪
76
00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:22,448
Mr. Weston?
77
00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:24,408
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪
78
00:05:24,450 --> 00:05:27,245
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish a merry Christmas ♪
79
00:05:27,286 --> 00:05:29,455
♪ And a happy new year ♪
80
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:33,125
♪ Good tidings to you,
wherever you are ♪
81
00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:36,838
♪ Good tiding for Christmas
and a happy new year ♪
82
00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:38,965
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪
83
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:43,135
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish you a merry Christmas ♪
84
00:05:47,974 --> 00:05:50,977
Okay, I have to ask
the obvious first,
85
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:54,063
have you been eating little
stones or strips of fabric?
86
00:05:54,105 --> 00:05:55,439
Not that I know of.
87
00:05:55,481 --> 00:05:58,234
Uh, has your diet changed
recently,
88
00:05:58,276 --> 00:05:59,861
eating anything new
or exotic?
89
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:03,072
Says it started three months
ago.
90
00:06:03,114 --> 00:06:04,633
- Intermittent?
- Two or three times a month.
91
00:06:04,657 --> 00:06:06,325
But then everything's fine.
92
00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:10,830
And you're finding unusual
things in your stool.
93
00:06:10,872 --> 00:06:13,374
Every... every time I go to
the bathroom, yeah.
94
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:16,043
Mm, well, let's take
a look.
95
00:06:18,254 --> 00:06:19,672
You... you have a roommate?
96
00:06:19,714 --> 00:06:22,049
Anybody that likes to play
practical jokes?
97
00:06:22,091 --> 00:06:23,676
I, uh... I live alone.
98
00:06:23,718 --> 00:06:25,177
You drink?
99
00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:27,138
- Um...
- Use drugs?
100
00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:28,764
Deep breath.
101
00:06:28,806 --> 00:06:30,600
I have the occasional beer.
102
00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:32,018
Uh-huh.
103
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,686
You ever drink too much,
black out?
104
00:06:33,728 --> 00:06:35,855
There have been a few times
where things have
105
00:06:35,897 --> 00:06:39,358
gotten fuzzy, kind of like...
... sleepwalking, I guess.
106
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:40,443
- Ooh!
- Oh, hang on.
107
00:06:40,484 --> 00:06:41,652
I think I found something.
108
00:06:41,694 --> 00:06:43,696
- Doc.
- Alright, hang on.
109
00:06:43,738 --> 00:06:45,448
Jesus.
110
00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:49,243
And now we are getting
somewhere.
111
00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:50,703
Let's see here.
112
00:06:50,745 --> 00:06:54,624
Looks like we have
a coat button.
113
00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:56,042
A piece of a zipper.
114
00:06:56,083 --> 00:07:00,796
And 20, 40, 63 cents
in change. Uh.
115
00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:08,137
I didn't eat those things.
116
00:07:08,179 --> 00:07:10,973
Well, had to end up
inside you one way or another.
117
00:07:11,015 --> 00:07:12,642
Well, just count yourself
lucky.
118
00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:14,578
I once had a patient who,
while sleepwalking, logged
119
00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:17,980
into an internet casino,
lose $78,000.
120
00:07:18,022 --> 00:07:19,941
And he came to see you
about his sleepwalking?
121
00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:21,692
Oh no, he came to set
his broken nose
122
00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:23,694
after his wife found out.
123
00:07:23,736 --> 00:07:26,697
Look, I... I don't... I don't think
it's anything serious, alright.
124
00:07:26,739 --> 00:07:29,241
I... I'll prescribe
a mild sleep aid to help you
125
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:31,410
with your late-night snacking.
126
00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:33,829
You might just wanna go through
your place and, you know,
127
00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:38,000
get rid of anything
that looks... tasty.
128
00:07:38,042 --> 00:07:39,585
Now, I know, I have
an associate...
129
00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:42,296
Let me guess. They recommended
a shrink.
130
00:07:42,338 --> 00:07:44,090
Yeah, how'd you know?
131
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,275
Because they're fucking
idiots,
132
00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:47,176
and they don't know anything.
133
00:07:47,218 --> 00:07:49,929
So, how did the murders
come into play?
134
00:07:49,971 --> 00:07:54,266
The Ripper has been
a very busy boy these days.
135
00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:55,351
What do you remember?
136
00:07:55,393 --> 00:07:57,144
I don't remember anything.
137
00:07:57,186 --> 00:07:59,331
I just... I... I have these
blackouts, and then I wake up
138
00:07:59,355 --> 00:08:03,150
and things I find are... gross.
139
00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:04,544
I'm actually really
surprised that you didn't
140
00:08:04,568 --> 00:08:05,903
go to the cops.
141
00:08:05,945 --> 00:08:07,530
You seem like a really
straight-up guy.
142
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:09,782
I am.
143
00:08:09,824 --> 00:08:13,119
- I'm not a murderer, I...
- Hey.
144
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,996
Maybe we should just
start the meeting.
145
00:08:16,455 --> 00:08:19,000
Um, everyone,
this is Robert Weston.
146
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:26,632
Sorry, they're not very
social when there's food
147
00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:29,760
in front of them.
148
00:08:29,802 --> 00:08:31,470
Is this for real?
149
00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:34,140
Well, do you believe
that you're a therianthrope?
150
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:37,226
A person who changes into
an animal when the moon is full?
151
00:08:37,268 --> 00:08:38,978
I mean, I don't know.
152
00:08:39,020 --> 00:08:40,622
A couple days ago, I didn't
believe in any of this.
153
00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:42,332
So now I'm at a support group
for werewolves,
154
00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:44,209
- and it's a little...
- Is that what you turn into?
155
00:08:44,233 --> 00:08:46,777
A wolf?
156
00:08:46,819 --> 00:08:48,112
What else is there?
157
00:08:48,154 --> 00:08:51,407
I'm a were-cheetah.
158
00:08:51,449 --> 00:08:52,950
- A were-cheetah?
- Mm-hmm.
159
00:08:52,992 --> 00:08:54,827
Is that why you wore
the blouse?
160
00:08:54,869 --> 00:08:57,913
Oh no, no, I just... I...
I actually turn
161
00:08:57,955 --> 00:09:00,666
into a cheetah. Rrruh.
162
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,170
Okay.
163
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,355
Which is really ironic,
because, you know,
164
00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:08,049
I'm a schoolteacher.
165
00:09:08,090 --> 00:09:11,218
And... we expel
cheetahs.
166
00:09:11,260 --> 00:09:12,678
Get it?
167
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:13,971
Okay, I think I'm
gonna go.
168
00:09:14,013 --> 00:09:16,766
Hey, no, you shouldn't
leave.
169
00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:19,310
Why not?
This is ludicrous.
170
00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:22,646
I mean, have you not heard
what I have been saying to you?
171
00:09:22,688 --> 00:09:24,190
I think I am killing people.
172
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:25,483
Like, innocent people.
173
00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:26,901
Yes, I get it.
174
00:09:26,942 --> 00:09:30,654
But if you are what you
think you are...
175
00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:35,367
then you belong here
with us.
176
00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:36,577
Now, please.
177
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,336
Continue, please.
178
00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:48,047
When I first started
figuring out what was going on,
179
00:09:48,089 --> 00:09:49,840
I started doing some
research,
180
00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:52,760
and I found the hidden URL,
and I called the hotline,
181
00:09:52,802 --> 00:09:55,763
and talked to Zella, and
that's how I found...
182
00:09:55,805 --> 00:09:57,640
- you guys.
- Mm-hmm.
183
00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,034
Those... those people that
I killed...
184
00:09:59,058 --> 00:10:01,685
They were all bad people.
185
00:10:01,727 --> 00:10:03,395
I mean, one was
a mobster.
186
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,147
There was a sex offender.
187
00:10:05,189 --> 00:10:08,275
A thief, another was
a defense attorney that
188
00:10:08,317 --> 00:10:10,569
defended child molesters.
189
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,738
So if you think about it,
you actually made the world
190
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:16,075
a slightly better place.
191
00:10:16,117 --> 00:10:17,993
I mean, given a choice,
therianthropes usually
192
00:10:18,035 --> 00:10:20,746
choose the wicked over
the good.
193
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,706
The creatures inside of us,
we... we just...
194
00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:25,751
we find evil tastier.
195
00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:29,964
Well, that... that is...
196
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:32,091
a big relief.
197
00:10:32,133 --> 00:10:35,427
Wow. god, that's
good to know.
198
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,429
So, um...
199
00:10:37,471 --> 00:10:38,931
who is everybody?
200
00:10:38,973 --> 00:10:40,933
Oh, uh, that's Scott Howard,
ex-Marine.
201
00:10:40,975 --> 00:10:42,643
He's a were-tortoise.
202
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:45,062
- A were-tortoise?
- Mm-hmm.
203
00:10:45,104 --> 00:10:47,606
Like you turn
into a turtle?
204
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:49,316
Yeah.
205
00:10:49,358 --> 00:10:51,360
With the scales and the shell
that is your home?
206
00:10:51,402 --> 00:10:52,945
That's the one.
207
00:10:52,987 --> 00:10:55,614
Do you shrink down,
or are you full size?
208
00:10:55,615 --> 00:10:56,824
Full size.
209
00:10:56,866 --> 00:10:58,784
Do you eat people?
210
00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:00,244
No.
211
00:11:00,286 --> 00:11:02,121
Not all therianthropes
are carnivores,
212
00:11:02,163 --> 00:11:04,915
otherwise, there'd be a lot
more dead bodies lying around.
213
00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:06,643
So then like when you change,
214
00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,878
what do you do?
215
00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:11,630
I eat lettuce.
216
00:11:11,672 --> 00:11:13,507
Is it evil lettuce?
217
00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:15,485
I'm gonna put your sarcasm
down as you being on the edge
218
00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:19,054
of a nervous breakdown, so
I'll ignore that one.
219
00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:21,223
I'm sorry, I was not
being sarcastic, I...
220
00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:23,893
Hey, it's okay.
221
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:25,978
Um, that's Phyllis Allenbee.
222
00:11:26,020 --> 00:11:27,938
She's a furry.
223
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:29,315
You're kidding.
224
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,692
No, she likes to put on
hippo outfit
225
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:34,737
and just dance around.
226
00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:36,530
I'm sorry, I... I don't
really get it.
227
00:11:36,572 --> 00:11:38,091
I've never really understood
the whole like dressing up
228
00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,492
as an animal and doing it
thing, but she never
229
00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,786
misses a meeting, so...
230
00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:44,163
Why do you let her stay?
231
00:11:44,205 --> 00:11:46,832
We just feel sorry for her,
I guess.
232
00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:48,626
Hey! New guy!
233
00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,920
Andy McDermott, were-boar.
234
00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:52,463
You turn into a pig?
235
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,149
Actually, when the full
moon rises, I change
236
00:11:54,173 --> 00:11:56,217
into someone vastly
self-interested, and I talk
237
00:11:56,258 --> 00:12:00,387
incessantly about the worthless
minutia going on in my life.
238
00:12:00,429 --> 00:12:02,181
"A bore."
239
00:12:02,223 --> 00:12:03,849
Get it? A bore.
Were-bore.
240
00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:06,810
Actually,
I'm kidding.
241
00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:08,187
Yeah, I turn into a pig.
242
00:12:08,229 --> 00:12:09,980
You mean, a bigger pig,
right, Andy?
243
00:12:10,022 --> 00:12:12,733
God, you are so fucking
hot, Irena.
244
00:12:12,775 --> 00:12:14,360
When are we gonna get
together?
245
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,213
Have ourselves a litter
of little "kiggens," huh?
246
00:12:16,237 --> 00:12:17,571
Let's make this happen.
247
00:12:17,613 --> 00:12:19,253
Mm, you know, I really
don't know, maybe
248
00:12:19,281 --> 00:12:21,283
on the first of never, Andy,
and they wouldn't be
249
00:12:21,325 --> 00:12:23,244
"kiggens," they would be
"pitties."
250
00:12:23,285 --> 00:12:26,705
Snap. Shoot that pig
down, girl.
251
00:12:26,747 --> 00:12:28,582
Really?
252
00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:32,461
Who's that guy?
253
00:12:32,503 --> 00:12:35,547
That? That's Ryan.
254
00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:37,341
Just Ryan?
255
00:12:37,383 --> 00:12:39,969
That's all he's ever told us.
I mean, doesn't talk.
256
00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:41,387
Never says a word.
257
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,222
But he comes to every meeting,
right?
258
00:12:43,264 --> 00:12:45,057
But look at him, he just
sits there.
259
00:12:45,099 --> 00:12:46,976
Thinks he's the Terminator.
260
00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:48,686
What does he turn
into?
261
00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:51,897
No one really knows but, um,
it's gotta be something,
262
00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:53,315
or he wouldn't be here,
right?
263
00:12:53,357 --> 00:12:56,235
Oh man, I got chocolate
on my face.
264
00:12:56,277 --> 00:12:59,780
Hey, good thing I got
brown pants on, right?
265
00:12:59,822 --> 00:13:02,032
So, uh, I heard at the door...
266
00:13:02,074 --> 00:13:04,910
You're
the Naperville Ripper. Huh?
267
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,179
What kind of therianthrope
you turn into?
268
00:13:06,203 --> 00:13:09,081
What, are you like a were-rat?
269
00:13:09,123 --> 00:13:12,084
I, um, just always assumed
I was a werewolf.
270
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,255
What's so funny?
271
00:13:17,256 --> 00:13:18,817
Everyone assumes
they're a werewolf at first,
272
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,968
because it's the most popular
therianthrope.
273
00:13:21,010 --> 00:13:22,696
Right, I mean, look,
they get all the good press.
274
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,781
Right? They get all the books,
they get all the movies.
275
00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:26,140
Never gonna catch a flick
called
276
00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:27,683
"An American Were-boar
in London."
277
00:13:27,725 --> 00:13:29,435
- Or "The Oinking."
- Right.
278
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:32,313
Because we can't remember
what we do when we've changed,
279
00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:35,357
we all at first just assume
werewolf.
280
00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:37,377
But if you can't figure
out what you do when you change,
281
00:13:37,401 --> 00:13:40,029
how do you figure out
what you've changed into?
282
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,948
Well, me, I... I set up my phone
and I filmed it.
283
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:44,050
You wanna see it?
I have it.
284
00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:45,409
Oh, please, don't say yes.
285
00:13:45,451 --> 00:13:47,286
The last time he showed us
a video
286
00:13:47,328 --> 00:13:49,788
was of some girl and him
doing the nasty.
287
00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:51,373
And it was real nasty.
288
00:13:51,415 --> 00:13:53,876
Okay, honest mistake,
alright?
289
00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:55,627
Bro, she was
a college cheerleader
290
00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:57,254
majoring in massage therapy.
291
00:13:57,296 --> 00:13:59,923
- I was bowlegged for a week.
- That's not how...
292
00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:01,633
bowlegged, that's not
what the term means.
293
00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:03,844
She was an elderly woman,
and she had a walker.
294
00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:05,363
Okay, you know what?
Why don't you mind
295
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:06,823
your own business,
you fur-vert, alright?
296
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:08,474
You are not even a real
therianthrope.
297
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,017
I am in my heart.
298
00:14:10,059 --> 00:14:11,202
You know, Phyllis, when
the full moon rises,
299
00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:13,729
you don't turn into a hippo.
300
00:14:13,771 --> 00:14:17,232
You turn into an idiot
who puts on a hippo outfit, and
301
00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:20,611
you skip around like some
demented children's show host.
302
00:14:20,652 --> 00:14:22,279
- Mm-mm.
- Du-du-du-du-du.
303
00:14:22,321 --> 00:14:23,631
Yeah, keep talking and I'm
gonna turn you into
304
00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,324
the other other white meat,
ham boy.
305
00:14:25,366 --> 00:14:27,177
Okay, alright, whatever
hungry, hungry hippo.
306
00:14:27,201 --> 00:14:29,054
- Yeah, okay, bacon bit.
- Okay. Okay, everybody,
307
00:14:29,078 --> 00:14:32,373
please, stop, we're all adults
here, so let's act like it.
308
00:14:34,750 --> 00:14:39,838
So, is there any other way
I can find out what I am?
309
00:14:42,383 --> 00:14:44,176
Yes, actually, there is.
310
00:14:47,096 --> 00:14:48,514
Testing equipment.
311
00:14:54,770 --> 00:14:56,355
Hold out your hand.
312
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:05,614
- Do you feel anything?
- No.
313
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:14,081
Mm.
314
00:15:14,123 --> 00:15:17,709
It's catnip.
315
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,211
It's a shame.
316
00:15:19,253 --> 00:15:22,923
You would have made
a really cute kitty.
317
00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:24,258
Mm.
318
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,968
Okay, Jesus, give me that,
alright.
319
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,637
Give... give it, give me it.
Give me it. Give me it.
320
00:15:28,679 --> 00:15:31,890
If we let her, she'll play
with this all day. God.
321
00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:34,059
Alright, uh, here we go.
322
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:38,397
Try this.
323
00:15:38,439 --> 00:15:39,731
Just...
324
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,236
- Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
325
00:15:44,278 --> 00:15:45,612
Jesus, what the hell
was that?
326
00:15:45,654 --> 00:15:46,738
Are you okay?
327
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,657
- I'll be damned.
- What?
328
00:15:48,699 --> 00:15:49,908
That was wolfsbane.
329
00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:51,785
You're a lycanthrope.
330
00:15:55,706 --> 00:15:58,000
Okay, so I'm a werewolf.
331
00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,627
Oh my God, we have never had
a werewolf in this group before.
332
00:16:00,669 --> 00:16:02,147
This is so exciting. How did you
become a werewolf?
333
00:16:02,171 --> 00:16:03,589
I don't know.
334
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:04,983
Is your mother or father
a werewolf?
335
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:06,717
It's a recent development,
Scott.
336
00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:08,403
I inherited a recessive
gene from my mother, Shellen.
337
00:16:08,427 --> 00:16:11,013
I've been a theianthrope
since birth.
338
00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:12,347
What about a gypsy?
339
00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:13,389
Were you cursed by a gypsy
recently?
340
00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:15,602
No, of course... wait.
341
00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:26,612
- Merry Chris...
- Yeah, you too, pal.
342
00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:35,954
- Oh, hello.
- You are loud man.
343
00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:37,498
Loud man.
344
00:16:38,957 --> 00:16:41,293
I'm sorry, ooh, excuse me.
345
00:16:41,335 --> 00:16:44,004
Okay, excuse me, I said.
346
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:45,297
I'm sorry.
347
00:16:45,339 --> 00:16:48,967
- You are loud.
- Jesus.
348
00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:53,639
- You keep it down in there.
- Okay, I will keep it down.
349
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,058
You know, there is a thing
called earplugs...
350
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:57,684
...loud man!
...which you can purchase
351
00:16:57,726 --> 00:16:59,454
at any pharmacy, which I'm
sure you know all about.
352
00:16:59,478 --> 00:17:02,773
- I hear it all!
- Thank you. Thank you.
353
00:17:02,814 --> 00:17:04,191
Got it.
354
00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:08,987
Okay, I get it! I know!
355
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:11,073
I curse you!
356
00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:12,741
With
the discovery of
357
00:17:12,783 --> 00:17:14,761
Martin Colive brings the
Ripper's body count to four.
358
00:17:14,785 --> 00:17:17,412
In the last three months, the
remains of Waldemar Daminski,
359
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:20,040
66, a local businessman with
known ties
360
00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:22,376
to Polish organized crime was
found,
361
00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:25,337
along with those
of Tony Rivers, 22,
362
00:17:25,379 --> 00:17:28,006
who was decapitated after
robbing a liquor store
363
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:29,925
and beating the owner
unconscious.
364
00:17:29,967 --> 00:17:32,719
Police recently identified
victim number three,
365
00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:34,846
Ginger Fitzgerald, who
recently lost custody
366
00:17:34,888 --> 00:17:37,099
of her daughter after
locking her in a closet
367
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,685
for a week without food
or water.
368
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:42,563
For JBN Channel 4 News,
I'm Ann Pool.
369
00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:48,944
Thanks, Anne.
370
00:17:48,986 --> 00:17:50,505
In other news, Christmas
is right around the corner,
371
00:17:50,529 --> 00:17:52,531
and Santa's Army Redemption
is being spotted
372
00:17:52,573 --> 00:17:57,494
all over town.
373
00:17:57,536 --> 00:17:59,222
Hi, Mr. Weston.
374
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:00,765
This is Family Medical Center
calling on behalf of
375
00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,624
Dr. Talbot, we received
your test results,
376
00:18:02,666 --> 00:18:04,394
and we need you to come back
for further testing.
377
00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:06,138
Can you please give us
a call back so we can
378
00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:09,881
schedule your next appointment.
379
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:22,894
I curse you.
380
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:25,147
I think I was cursed
from my brushing my teeth
381
00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:28,108
too loud.
382
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:31,069
Well, it... it looks like
you're in luck, because, um...
383
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:32,487
it's the easiest type
to cure.
384
00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:33,631
Oh,
who cares about a cure?
385
00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:35,490
I like being a were-tortoise.
386
00:18:35,532 --> 00:18:37,302
Yeah, Scott, that's
because when you change,
387
00:18:37,326 --> 00:18:39,244
all you do is eat salad
and swim around
388
00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:40,829
in your bathtub, okay?
389
00:18:40,871 --> 00:18:43,540
I root through garbage and
eat aluminum cans.
390
00:18:43,582 --> 00:18:45,422
Alright, I'm all for
recycling, but have any of
391
00:18:45,459 --> 00:18:47,085
you ever tried to shit out
392
00:18:47,127 --> 00:18:50,255
a six-pack of Budweiser
tall boys?
393
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:53,216
Listen, Weston is a carnivore
like Irena.
394
00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:54,801
They eat people.
395
00:18:54,843 --> 00:18:56,595
It's gotta weigh heavy
on his conscience.
396
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:04,311
Do you... do you ever feel
guilty about it?
397
00:19:04,353 --> 00:19:08,440
About eating people?
398
00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:11,276
Honestly, no,
I really don't.
399
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:12,986
It's in our nature.
400
00:19:13,028 --> 00:19:16,073
And, plus, I get to eat
any dipshit faculty member
401
00:19:16,114 --> 00:19:18,325
that pisses me off.
402
00:19:21,870 --> 00:19:24,164
So let's say I wanted to
go back to normal,
403
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:25,749
how would I go about
doing that?
404
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,962
Just go back to the
gypsy that cursed you,
405
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:32,506
and beg her to take
406
00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:33,650
- the curse off, yeah.
- Yeah, that's right.
407
00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:35,467
Yeah.
408
00:19:35,509 --> 00:19:38,095
That might be
a little hard.
409
00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:39,179
Oh fuck.
410
00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:40,179
I ate her.
411
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:43,392
- Oh.
- Oh.
412
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:44,452
And I ate
her dog.
413
00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:46,395
Oh my God. What?
414
00:19:46,436 --> 00:19:47,538
And I peed all over
her hedges.
415
00:19:47,562 --> 00:19:49,314
Why would you do that?
416
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:50,500
I think I was marking
my territory.
417
00:19:50,524 --> 00:19:51,775
I don't know.
418
00:19:51,817 --> 00:19:53,777
- ...zero sense.
- I've done that.
419
00:19:53,819 --> 00:19:56,530
I've done that.
420
00:19:56,571 --> 00:19:59,074
Tough break, man, but,
uh, you'll get used to it,
421
00:19:59,116 --> 00:20:01,427
you know? But in the meantime,
you might wanna get yourself
422
00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:04,162
a nice, sturdy leash, though.
423
00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:05,706
You know what?
424
00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:07,541
I think it's time that we
start this meeting.
425
00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:09,519
Start the meeting? So the
meeting hasn't started yet?
426
00:20:09,543 --> 00:20:12,504
Come on, everybody,
join hands.
427
00:20:12,546 --> 00:20:15,215
And let's recite the
Shapeshifters Anonymous credo.
428
00:20:15,257 --> 00:20:16,466
Repeat after me.
429
00:20:16,508 --> 00:20:18,677
I, state your name.
430
00:20:18,719 --> 00:20:21,388
I, Robert Weston.
431
00:20:21,430 --> 00:20:23,849
Agree to abide by the rules
of ethics.
432
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:27,352
Agree to abide by
the rules of ethics.
433
00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:30,522
As set forth by
Shapeshifters Anonymous.
434
00:20:30,564 --> 00:20:33,316
As set forth by
Shapeshifters Anonymous.
435
00:20:33,358 --> 00:20:36,570
I agree to do my best
to use my abilities.
436
00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:39,823
I agree to do my best
to use my abilities.
437
00:20:39,865 --> 00:20:42,576
For the good of man
and therianthrope kind.
438
00:20:42,617 --> 00:20:45,787
For the good of man
and therianthrope kind.
439
00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:49,040
I agree to do my best
to help any therianthrope
440
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:51,084
who comes to me in need.
441
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:54,212
I agree to do my best
to help any therianthrope
442
00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:56,006
who comes to me in need.
443
00:20:56,047 --> 00:21:01,011
I agree to do my best
not to devour any nice people.
444
00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:05,182
I agree to do my best
not to devour any nice people.
445
00:21:05,223 --> 00:21:07,851
I promise to avoid
Kris Kringle,
446
00:21:07,893 --> 00:21:12,022
the dreaded Santa Claus and
his many evil helpers.
447
00:21:12,063 --> 00:21:16,526
I, um... I think... I didn't
under... what does that mean?
448
00:21:16,568 --> 00:21:18,403
Santa Claus
is a Therianthrope Hunter.
449
00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:20,131
Santa Claus, the mythical,
jolly character
450
00:21:20,155 --> 00:21:21,239
loved by millions?
451
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:23,366
He kills shapeshifters.
452
00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:24,868
You're kidding.
453
00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:27,496
No one's sure how our kind
got started.
454
00:21:27,537 --> 00:21:29,498
Some say black magic.
455
00:21:29,539 --> 00:21:31,458
Some say interspecies breeding,
456
00:21:31,500 --> 00:21:34,586
though I don't buy into
that malarkey.
457
00:21:34,628 --> 00:21:37,756
Some say therianthropes
date back to the very beginning,
458
00:21:37,798 --> 00:21:41,009
to the Garden of Eden, when man
and werebeast lived in harmony.
459
00:21:41,051 --> 00:21:43,887
The Bible doesn't tell
the whole story.
460
00:21:43,929 --> 00:21:46,223
Certain religious leaders
over the years have edited it
461
00:21:46,264 --> 00:21:49,476
as they see fit.
462
00:21:49,518 --> 00:21:53,188
Entire books were taken out.
463
00:21:53,230 --> 00:21:55,899
There... there's no
werewolves in the Bible.
464
00:21:58,610 --> 00:21:59,861
They were edited out.
465
00:22:02,697 --> 00:22:04,157
Pay attention, son.
466
00:22:07,285 --> 00:22:08,829
You'll learn something.
467
00:22:08,870 --> 00:22:11,915
See, the Lord blessed one
of his disciples, Bob,
468
00:22:11,957 --> 00:22:15,001
with the gift of lycanthrophy,
to do his work by
469
00:22:15,043 --> 00:22:17,003
devouring evil.
470
00:22:17,045 --> 00:22:20,048
But Bob became prideful
of his accomplishments.
471
00:22:20,090 --> 00:22:21,800
Oh, that angered God.
472
00:22:24,636 --> 00:22:26,471
So, to put Bob in his place,
473
00:22:26,513 --> 00:22:28,807
God granted one of
Bob's enemies, Kristofer,
474
00:22:28,849 --> 00:22:32,519
a red suit of impenetrable
armor and ordered him
475
00:22:32,561 --> 00:22:34,813
to smite all therianthropes.
476
00:22:34,855 --> 00:22:36,815
God also blessed
domesticated beasts
477
00:22:36,857 --> 00:22:39,025
with the power to fly
through the sky and pull
478
00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:41,194
Kristofer's warship
of destruction
479
00:22:41,236 --> 00:22:42,863
throughout the world.
480
00:22:42,904 --> 00:22:46,449
Let me guess.
Kris, son of Kringle.
481
00:22:46,491 --> 00:22:48,535
Bob and Kristofer
fought.
482
00:22:48,577 --> 00:22:50,829
And Bob proved victorious.
483
00:22:50,871 --> 00:22:53,748
But Kristofer,
God's chosen avenger,
484
00:22:53,790 --> 00:22:56,459
felt betrayed, so he turned
to the other side
485
00:22:56,501 --> 00:22:59,629
for assistance.
486
00:22:59,671 --> 00:23:01,590
- The other side?
- Lucifer!
487
00:23:01,631 --> 00:23:04,843
Beelzebub, the Devil himself.
488
00:23:04,885 --> 00:23:07,971
Lucifer gave Kristofer
a fiercesome weapon shaped
489
00:23:08,013 --> 00:23:11,808
like the talons of an eagle
forged in the fires of hell.
490
00:23:11,850 --> 00:23:14,603
He called the weapon
Satan's Claws.
491
00:23:14,644 --> 00:23:16,897
And Kristofer recruited
an army of helpers
492
00:23:16,938 --> 00:23:19,649
to rid the world of Bob
and his kind.
493
00:23:21,776 --> 00:23:24,696
Oh, they found us.
They're here.
494
00:23:24,738 --> 00:23:26,781
- Who?
- Battle stations.
495
00:23:26,823 --> 00:23:30,201
Battle stations?
What?
496
00:23:30,243 --> 00:23:32,454
I...
497
00:23:39,210 --> 00:23:40,670
Jesus.
498
00:23:40,712 --> 00:23:43,590
Oh, there's gotta be
hundreds of them.
499
00:23:43,632 --> 00:23:45,383
Fuck me.
500
00:23:45,425 --> 00:23:47,636
Those are his little
red helpers?
501
00:23:47,677 --> 00:23:49,054
So you're telling me
Kris Kringle
502
00:23:49,095 --> 00:23:52,098
and his magical red suit
and Satan's Claw,
503
00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:54,809
which I guess over time
has turned into Santa Claus,
504
00:23:54,851 --> 00:23:56,937
is coming here to kill
therianthropes
505
00:23:56,978 --> 00:23:59,272
with a bunch of shopping mall
Santas?
506
00:23:59,314 --> 00:24:02,484
Santa Claus has come to town.
507
00:24:31,137 --> 00:24:32,597
You, come on!
508
00:24:32,639 --> 00:24:34,849
Could someone please
kill that alarm?
509
00:24:34,891 --> 00:24:36,643
Wait, these are the people
we're fighting
510
00:24:36,685 --> 00:24:37,978
for our lives against?
511
00:24:38,019 --> 00:24:39,354
It's the way it's always
been.
512
00:24:39,396 --> 00:24:41,147
What about the toy stuff?
513
00:24:41,189 --> 00:24:42,875
Kringle's killed tens of
thousands of therianthropes
514
00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:45,276
over the centuries, leaving
many children orphans.
515
00:24:45,318 --> 00:24:47,570
He started to feel some
remorse after slaughtering
516
00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:50,824
their parents, he began to leave
toys behind.
517
00:24:50,865 --> 00:24:52,909
- Kringle gave this to me...
- Oh.
518
00:24:52,951 --> 00:24:54,470
- ...when I was seven years old...
- Gross.
519
00:24:54,494 --> 00:24:55,888
...right after murdering
my parents.
520
00:24:55,912 --> 00:24:58,790
- Yikes.
- He also gave me a train set.
521
00:24:58,832 --> 00:25:00,417
Weston,
522
00:25:00,458 --> 00:25:01,477
we don't have time for this.
523
00:25:01,501 --> 00:25:02,961
We need to get ready!
524
00:25:03,003 --> 00:25:04,838
Look, look, look!
525
00:25:04,879 --> 00:25:07,841
Look, look, I can accept
the shapeshifting, okay?
526
00:25:07,882 --> 00:25:10,802
And the wolfsbane, that was
very... that was, like,
527
00:25:10,844 --> 00:25:12,804
a little creepy, but you
want me to believe that
528
00:25:12,846 --> 00:25:15,807
every single volunteer
with a Santa suit
529
00:25:15,849 --> 00:25:17,934
and a bell is out to
murder us?
530
00:25:17,976 --> 00:25:19,977
I mean, I see these people
everywhere.
531
00:25:19,978 --> 00:25:21,813
I... I mean, they're on
every street corner.
532
00:25:21,855 --> 00:25:23,314
They're in the shopping centers.
533
00:25:23,356 --> 00:25:25,316
I saw one by my apartment
just this morning.
534
00:25:25,358 --> 00:25:26,943
You saw one today?
Where?
535
00:25:26,985 --> 00:25:28,778
- Naperville.
- What?
536
00:25:28,820 --> 00:25:30,196
What'd he say to you?
537
00:25:30,238 --> 00:25:31,740
I... you know, Scott,
I don't know.
538
00:25:31,781 --> 00:25:33,175
He was a little bit
out of his mind.
539
00:25:33,199 --> 00:25:34,468
- What?
- He said something about...
540
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:46,296
Merry Christmas.
541
00:25:47,756 --> 00:25:50,508
There's a killer on the loose
in Naperville.
542
00:25:50,550 --> 00:25:53,178
Only comes out when
the moon is full.
543
00:25:53,219 --> 00:25:57,599
Naughty boys, they get
what they deserve.
544
00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:01,561
Their heads severed from
the unholy bodies.
545
00:26:01,603 --> 00:26:04,314
Okay.
Merry Christmas.
546
00:26:04,355 --> 00:26:08,234
Mm.
547
00:26:09,819 --> 00:26:12,197
The only way we die is
old age or beheading.
548
00:26:12,238 --> 00:26:14,699
Son of a bitch.
549
00:26:14,741 --> 00:26:16,034
They must have
followed you.
550
00:26:16,076 --> 00:26:17,535
Look, we need to call
the cops.
551
00:26:17,577 --> 00:26:19,204
And tell them
what?
552
00:26:19,245 --> 00:26:20,723
I thought you said
the police were a waste of time.
553
00:26:20,747 --> 00:26:22,457
Everybody has conflicting
information.
554
00:26:22,499 --> 00:26:24,417
Come on.
555
00:26:24,459 --> 00:26:25,710
Whoa.
556
00:26:27,921 --> 00:26:31,049
- You ever fired a 9mm?
- No.
557
00:26:32,717 --> 00:26:34,928
Turn off the safety
on the side.
558
00:26:34,969 --> 00:26:36,679
Then pull back
the top part.
559
00:26:36,721 --> 00:26:38,765
That's the slide, loads
the bullet into the chamber.
560
00:26:42,435 --> 00:26:45,855
Now all you have to do
is aim, pull the trigger.
561
00:26:45,897 --> 00:26:48,858
Red suits are Kevlar,
so aim for the face.
562
00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:51,611
Yipee-ki-yay, mother...
563
00:26:51,653 --> 00:26:54,489
Sorry. Sorry that... that
won't happen.
564
00:26:55,990 --> 00:26:57,134
Choose your shots
carefully, people.
565
00:26:57,158 --> 00:26:58,576
We don't have a lot
of ammo.
566
00:26:58,618 --> 00:27:00,912
Ryan, can you fire
a weapon?
567
00:27:00,954 --> 00:27:02,872
Damn it, man, we need you.
568
00:27:02,914 --> 00:27:04,749
- Shouldn't we go?
- That's the only door.
569
00:27:04,791 --> 00:27:07,168
What?
570
00:27:07,210 --> 00:27:08,586
If we make it out of
this alive,
571
00:27:08,628 --> 00:27:10,839
would you wanna go out with me?
572
00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:12,924
I'd like that.
573
00:27:12,966 --> 00:27:15,802
Which part? Making it out
alive or going out with me?
574
00:27:15,844 --> 00:27:16,928
Both.
575
00:27:24,144 --> 00:27:29,274
Ho. Ho. Ho.
576
00:27:29,315 --> 00:27:31,734
Don't fire until you see
the whites of the beards.
577
00:27:31,776 --> 00:27:33,695
Ho!
578
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:43,288
Ho! Ho!
579
00:28:19,782 --> 00:28:21,743
Naughty boy.
580
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:27,999
- Naughty boy!
- Hey, Santa!
581
00:28:28,041 --> 00:28:29,542
Got some milk and
cookies for ya.
582
00:28:34,214 --> 00:28:35,649
Where did you learn
to shoot like that?
583
00:28:35,673 --> 00:28:37,675
I teach high school.
584
00:28:37,717 --> 00:28:38,801
Duck!
585
00:28:43,932 --> 00:28:45,183
Nice.
586
00:28:45,225 --> 00:28:46,517
Yeah, well, you know?
587
00:28:46,559 --> 00:28:48,519
Oop. Sorry.
I got it. I got it.
588
00:28:54,275 --> 00:28:56,402
They're retreating.
Hold your fire.
589
00:29:02,033 --> 00:29:04,035
Ooh!
590
00:29:04,077 --> 00:29:05,745
Hold your fire.
591
00:29:05,787 --> 00:29:06,745
Sorry, I couldn't hear ya.
592
00:29:06,746 --> 00:29:07,830
It's a loud gun.
593
00:29:07,872 --> 00:29:09,290
- Jesus.
- Oh my Go...
594
00:29:09,332 --> 00:29:11,417
- Andy, you're bleeding.
- Oh.
595
00:29:11,459 --> 00:29:12,502
Everyone okay?
596
00:29:14,045 --> 00:29:16,756
Well, uh, we sure kicked some
Santa ass.
597
00:29:18,675 --> 00:29:20,194
Let's see you try climbing
down a chimney now, shithead.
598
00:29:20,218 --> 00:29:23,304
Bitch!
599
00:29:23,346 --> 00:29:24,555
It isn't over.
600
00:29:28,184 --> 00:29:29,727
Did you just say something?
601
00:30:08,224 --> 00:30:10,643
Here comes Santa Claus.
602
00:30:10,685 --> 00:30:17,608
Here comes Santa Claus.
603
00:30:17,692 --> 00:30:19,736
Ho, ho, ho.
604
00:30:19,777 --> 00:30:20,987
- My God.
- Alright.
605
00:30:21,029 --> 00:30:22,196
Who still has ammo?
606
00:30:22,238 --> 00:30:23,990
- I'm out.
- Me, too.
607
00:30:24,032 --> 00:30:25,783
I have, uh, two bullets.
608
00:30:25,825 --> 00:30:27,493
Ha!
609
00:30:27,535 --> 00:30:28,661
Okay, okay.
610
00:30:28,703 --> 00:30:30,997
We'll... we'll have to
make do.
611
00:30:31,039 --> 00:30:32,749
Everyone, grab a weapon.
612
00:30:34,334 --> 00:30:36,002
Chris Kringle's a lot
more powerful
613
00:30:36,044 --> 00:30:40,048
than his helpers, but maybe
if we all strike at once,
614
00:30:40,089 --> 00:30:43,134
we'll have a chance.
615
00:30:43,176 --> 00:30:45,970
Weston can't even keep
his clip in his gun, alright?
616
00:30:46,012 --> 00:30:48,097
Ryan is sitting on his ass
like a pud.
617
00:30:48,139 --> 00:30:49,325
Alright, give... give me this.
618
00:30:49,349 --> 00:30:50,516
Alright?
619
00:30:50,558 --> 00:30:52,101
- Where are you?
- Scott,
620
00:30:52,143 --> 00:30:53,662
you really think we can fend
off that thing?
621
00:30:53,686 --> 00:30:55,104
And its Satan's Claws?
622
00:30:55,146 --> 00:30:56,647
It's gonna rip us to pieces.
623
00:30:56,689 --> 00:30:58,417
- We don't have a choice.
- Alright, well, listen,
624
00:30:58,441 --> 00:31:00,336
you know what? I don't wanna
get sliced up, alright?
625
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:03,446
- I'm... I'm too pretty.
- Calm down, son.
626
00:31:03,488 --> 00:31:05,156
You're not helping
the situation.
627
00:31:05,198 --> 00:31:07,575
Fine, you know what?
You guys go ahead and fight,
628
00:31:07,617 --> 00:31:09,994
alright? I'm gonna take
off this red suit
629
00:31:10,036 --> 00:31:10,912
and pretend to be dead.
630
00:31:10,913 --> 00:31:12,455
There's a way.
631
00:31:14,624 --> 00:31:17,418
You actually gonna get
your ass up and help?
632
00:31:17,460 --> 00:31:23,049
Santa's come to town.
Ha-ha-ha!
633
00:31:29,055 --> 00:31:30,848
I've been saving these.
634
00:31:34,060 --> 00:31:35,895
Tell me that's cyanide.
635
00:31:35,937 --> 00:31:38,218
Please tell me that's cyanide,
'cause I am so drinking it.
636
00:31:41,067 --> 00:31:43,027
It's a metamorphosis potion.
637
00:31:43,069 --> 00:31:44,713
Allow you to change into
your therianthrope form
638
00:31:44,737 --> 00:31:47,698
and retain your human intellect.
639
00:31:47,740 --> 00:31:51,035
Where'd you get these?
640
00:31:51,077 --> 00:31:55,123
I've had these
for a long time.
641
00:31:55,164 --> 00:31:57,375
How do you know
they work?
642
00:31:57,417 --> 00:31:58,668
I know.
643
00:31:58,709 --> 00:32:00,503
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
644
00:32:00,545 --> 00:32:03,965
I guess it can't hurt
to try.
645
00:32:04,006 --> 00:32:05,800
I will
find you.
646
00:32:10,555 --> 00:32:12,890
You can't hide
from the Claus!
647
00:32:12,932 --> 00:32:15,810
I'm... I'm just... I'm not
a therianthrope,
648
00:32:15,852 --> 00:32:17,186
I'm just a furry.
649
00:32:17,228 --> 00:32:18,896
You're one of us.
650
00:32:18,938 --> 00:32:21,023
Ho, ho, ho.
651
00:32:21,065 --> 00:32:24,026
How 'bout you?
652
00:32:24,068 --> 00:32:27,113
No.
653
00:32:27,155 --> 00:32:28,573
Ah!
654
00:32:36,998 --> 00:32:38,374
I've
got presents.
655
00:32:39,625 --> 00:32:42,295
Okay, well, here
goes nothing.
656
00:32:46,132 --> 00:32:47,592
Ah!
657
00:32:47,633 --> 00:32:50,011
Ho, ho, ho.
658
00:32:50,052 --> 00:32:51,929
Time to die.
659
00:33:10,740 --> 00:33:13,784
I can still think.
660
00:33:13,826 --> 00:33:17,079
I can even talk.
661
00:33:17,121 --> 00:33:18,498
Here goes nothing.
662
00:33:26,214 --> 00:33:29,091
You look amazing.
663
00:33:35,181 --> 00:33:36,432
What?
664
00:33:36,474 --> 00:33:37,975
There's still some
frosting inside.
665
00:33:39,310 --> 00:33:40,895
I guess it's my turn.
666
00:33:54,492 --> 00:33:58,454
Well, shit, I don't even have
my damn hippo suit here.
667
00:33:58,496 --> 00:34:00,414
Well, at least give me
the damn gun.
668
00:34:04,043 --> 00:34:06,671
Your turn.
669
00:34:10,383 --> 00:34:13,678
You'll be fine.
670
00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:15,054
Drink it.
671
00:34:15,096 --> 00:34:16,722
Hey, guys, hurry up,
alright?
672
00:34:16,764 --> 00:34:17,848
Here comes Santa Claus.
673
00:34:26,649 --> 00:34:29,819
Oh. Ooh.
674
00:35:06,981 --> 00:35:11,527
Hello, sexy.
Rawr.
675
00:35:11,569 --> 00:35:14,655
Kringle is coming! We don't
have time for this.
676
00:35:18,284 --> 00:35:20,369
Alright, let's do this.
677
00:35:38,679 --> 00:35:41,641
You
and Mrs. Santa Claus's too.
678
00:35:47,229 --> 00:35:48,314
Ooh, Scott, incoming!
679
00:35:50,650 --> 00:35:51,524
Scott!
680
00:35:57,239 --> 00:35:59,116
Ahh!
681
00:36:14,882 --> 00:36:16,217
What?
682
00:36:24,141 --> 00:36:27,853
Oh my God.
683
00:36:27,895 --> 00:36:29,313
Look at those claws.
684
00:36:29,355 --> 00:36:31,732
We're... we're not getting
out of here, guys.
685
00:36:44,870 --> 00:36:46,414
Oh shit.
686
00:36:46,455 --> 00:36:49,709
Sa-sa-Santa.
687
00:36:49,750 --> 00:36:51,836
Please, help me.
688
00:36:58,509 --> 00:37:02,513
Oh no.
Oh man.
689
00:37:02,555 --> 00:37:04,348
Oh God, pray for me.
690
00:37:11,939 --> 00:37:13,441
Scott,
what are you doing?
691
00:37:13,482 --> 00:37:15,943
Are you crazy?
692
00:37:15,985 --> 00:37:20,698
Your reign of evil
ends today, Kringle.
693
00:37:20,740 --> 00:37:23,492
Ha-ha-ha.
694
00:37:27,037 --> 00:37:28,706
Holy shit!
695
00:37:34,253 --> 00:37:38,174
Robert Weston,
werewolf.
696
00:37:38,215 --> 00:37:39,884
You're on my list.
697
00:37:41,552 --> 00:37:45,723
Irena Reed,
were-cheetah.
698
00:37:45,765 --> 00:37:48,434
- You're on my list, too.
- Stay behind me.
699
00:37:48,476 --> 00:37:50,436
Wanna sit on Santa's lap,
little girl?
700
00:37:53,689 --> 00:37:56,233
What the hell are you?
701
00:37:56,275 --> 00:37:58,569
You're bacon.
702
00:37:58,611 --> 00:38:00,070
Andy McDermott.
703
00:38:00,112 --> 00:38:01,697
I'm a were-boar.
704
00:38:01,739 --> 00:38:06,243
Yes, you're also
on my list.
705
00:38:06,285 --> 00:38:09,413
Who is this naughty girl?
706
00:38:09,455 --> 00:38:11,749
Phyllis Lawanda Morisha
Talena Allenbee.
707
00:38:11,791 --> 00:38:14,668
Am I on your stupid ass list,
too?
708
00:38:14,710 --> 00:38:16,712
I do not believe so.
709
00:38:16,754 --> 00:38:18,422
No?
710
00:38:18,464 --> 00:38:20,382
Are you sure about that,
fat man?
711
00:38:20,424 --> 00:38:21,967
I'll be happy
to check it twice.
712
00:38:22,009 --> 00:38:23,469
Are you saying I'm not
one of them?
713
00:38:23,511 --> 00:38:24,804
'Cause I am one of them.
714
00:38:24,845 --> 00:38:27,598
I am one of them...
in my heart.
715
00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:30,100
- A giant sack of...
- Enough!
716
00:38:33,729 --> 00:38:36,148
I'm tired, Kristofer.
717
00:38:39,235 --> 00:38:42,655
I've been running
for far too long.
718
00:38:42,696 --> 00:38:46,158
Who are you,
little human?
719
00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:49,119
Here comes Santa Claus.
720
00:38:49,161 --> 00:38:52,122
Here comes Santa Claus.
721
00:38:54,166 --> 00:38:55,960
That voice.
722
00:38:56,001 --> 00:38:58,546
I know that voice.
723
00:38:58,587 --> 00:39:01,966
Yeah. Yeah, you do.
724
00:39:02,007 --> 00:39:05,010
I had a little work
done to my face.
725
00:39:05,052 --> 00:39:07,888
You know, my human face.
726
00:39:11,225 --> 00:39:13,143
Think you're gonna
recognize this one, though.
727
00:39:30,369 --> 00:39:31,495
Ah.
728
00:39:36,917 --> 00:39:39,628
It's gonna be
a merry fucking Christmas.
729
00:39:39,670 --> 00:39:41,463
Bastard. Son of a bitch.
730
00:39:42,965 --> 00:39:45,009
Slice you into ribbons,
you furry fuck!
731
00:39:47,428 --> 00:39:49,638
Motherfucker.
732
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:52,516
Oh, you furry bastard,
I'm gonna kill you.
733
00:39:52,558 --> 00:39:54,184
I'm gonna skin you alive.
734
00:40:00,858 --> 00:40:03,360
Furry fuck!
735
00:40:03,402 --> 00:40:06,572
I'm gonna send you...
736
00:40:06,614 --> 00:40:08,908
Ahhh!
737
00:40:22,004 --> 00:40:25,591
Am I on your list now,
motherfucker?
738
00:40:31,889 --> 00:40:33,599
You killed Kris Kringle.
739
00:40:33,641 --> 00:40:35,059
Damn easy, too.
740
00:40:35,100 --> 00:40:37,853
Why didn't you do that
5,000 years ago?
741
00:40:37,895 --> 00:40:39,122
I didn't know that was
possible.
742
00:40:39,146 --> 00:40:41,231
That was... wow.
743
00:40:47,863 --> 00:40:49,782
Well... what happened?
744
00:40:49,823 --> 00:40:53,410
Phyllis killed Kringle.
745
00:40:53,452 --> 00:40:58,123
You go, girl.
746
00:40:58,165 --> 00:41:01,293
Okay.
747
00:41:01,335 --> 00:41:03,504
You all fought bravely
today.
748
00:41:03,545 --> 00:41:06,006
Even the pig.
749
00:41:06,048 --> 00:41:08,342
For your bravery, you all
have full control
750
00:41:08,384 --> 00:41:10,970
of your therianthrope
powers.
751
00:41:11,011 --> 00:41:12,596
Y'all be able to transform
at will,
752
00:41:12,638 --> 00:41:13,865
and maintain control of
your inner creatures.
753
00:41:13,889 --> 00:41:16,100
- Oh.
- Hold on, wait a minute.
754
00:41:16,141 --> 00:41:17,726
How 'bout me?
755
00:41:17,768 --> 00:41:20,771
I am the one who killed
the jolly ol' bastard.
756
00:41:20,813 --> 00:41:23,273
Right. Um...
757
00:41:23,315 --> 00:41:25,442
I could turn you into
a werewolf if you'd like.
758
00:41:25,484 --> 00:41:27,736
Uh, these guys already
offered me that.
759
00:41:27,778 --> 00:41:29,530
No, I don't wanna be
no turtle or no cheetah
760
00:41:29,571 --> 00:41:31,657
or no dumbass pig.
761
00:41:31,699 --> 00:41:33,283
No offense, Andy.
762
00:41:33,325 --> 00:41:35,119
Uh, none taken.
763
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:38,288
My inner animal is
a hippopotamus.
764
00:41:38,330 --> 00:41:40,124
That's what I wanna be.
765
00:41:41,875 --> 00:41:43,995
I'm sorry, Phyllis, those are
the extent of my powers.
766
00:41:46,547 --> 00:41:49,466
But maybe.
767
00:41:49,508 --> 00:41:51,051
- Just maybe.
- Maybe what?
768
00:41:51,093 --> 00:41:52,594
I don't even know if
this will work.
769
00:41:52,636 --> 00:41:53,887
It's a long shot. It really is.
770
00:41:53,929 --> 00:41:55,556
Spill the beans,
Lon Chaney.
771
00:41:58,517 --> 00:42:00,602
Try sitting
on Santa's lap.
772
00:42:00,644 --> 00:42:01,895
You serious?
773
00:42:01,937 --> 00:42:03,230
What? He has a lot of
magic.
774
00:42:03,272 --> 00:42:04,272
Maybe there's some left.
775
00:42:04,273 --> 00:42:05,649
It's worth a shot, right?
776
00:42:05,691 --> 00:42:08,736
Get... shu...
777
00:42:08,777 --> 00:42:10,154
You wanna be a hippopotamus?
778
00:42:15,409 --> 00:42:19,955
Um, okay, ooh, now what?
779
00:42:19,997 --> 00:42:21,832
Now make a Christmas wish,
Phyllis.
780
00:42:21,874 --> 00:42:24,168
The most earnest and
heartfelt wish you've ever made.
781
00:42:58,619 --> 00:42:59,995
Oooh!
782
00:43:02,873 --> 00:43:04,625
I'm sorry, Phyllis.
I really am.
783
00:43:04,666 --> 00:43:06,144
I wish there was something
else I could do.
784
00:43:06,168 --> 00:43:08,504
- You deserve it.
- It's okay.
785
00:43:11,340 --> 00:43:12,382
Uh.
786
00:43:15,052 --> 00:43:17,721
Holy fuck, Phyllis.
That's Lil Yachty.
787
00:43:25,604 --> 00:43:28,232
Come take you home, make
love to you all night, girl.
788
00:43:28,273 --> 00:43:32,611
But first, let's hit the bank
and get you that $100 million.
789
00:43:32,653 --> 00:43:35,781
Okay.
790
00:43:35,823 --> 00:43:39,743
You know, I killed some
of these motherfuckers.
791
00:43:39,785 --> 00:43:42,412
See ya next week!
792
00:43:49,503 --> 00:43:53,757
Would you... would you, um,
maybe wanna get a cup of coffee?
793
00:43:53,799 --> 00:43:57,469
No, thanks though.
794
00:43:57,511 --> 00:44:01,932
Instead, why don't you
just come to my apartment?
795
00:44:01,974 --> 00:44:06,186
I have a leash and
a king-sized bed.
796
00:44:06,228 --> 00:44:10,482
To be fair, most people
have king-sized beds.
797
00:44:10,524 --> 00:44:14,653
It's a California king.
798
00:44:14,695 --> 00:44:16,947
I don't know the difference.
799
00:44:16,989 --> 00:44:19,825
Let me show you.
800
00:44:19,867 --> 00:44:21,160
Oh man.
56530
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