All language subtitles for Best Shape of My Life s01e05 I m Sorry Mama.eng

I don't wanna do any of this.

We blew it.
We missed it.

It's over, and we got to stop
and I'm ready to stop.

I'm finished with the
Best Shape of My Life.

In 2017, I was on the jury
at the Cannes Film Festival,

it was day five and we'd
already watched 14 movies.

With one more movie
to watch before dinner,

I needed a beat to be quiet
and reset.

I had 30 minutes to hit the gym
before re-joining the jury.

I had told myself that
this was my time... for me

and I had promised myself
that I would not allow anyone to infringe on it.

Midway through my second set,

a 30-something,
black dude with a British accent

entered and immediately
noticed me.

He whipped out his phone
as he approached.

"Hey, Will," he said.
"Say hi to my cousin."

I reached up, putting my hand
over the lens of his camera and pushed it down.

"Hey, sorry, man," I said.

"I'm training right now."

"Oh, it's just a quick video,
Will," he said.

"My cousin has down syndrome.

He loves you.
I promise it'll be quick.

The Fresh Prince is
the only thing that makes him smile."

"I'm sorry, man," I said,

"but... no."

He looked at me
with such disbelief.

"But why not, Will?"

I paused.

I searched for the deepest,
most honest answer.

"Because I don't want to."

The man shook his head
in disgust.

Turned, and left the gym.

I knew I had done right
by myself,

but I hated that someone else,
an innocent,

had gotten caught in the
crossfire of my internal war.

I went back to my room

and could not stop crying.

-Are you ready, Jas?
-Yeah.

[knocking on door]

Test, test, test. Test.

I'm with it. Let's get it.

So, Dex is here now.

Dex and Jas,

and just so everybody knows,
I'm saying it officially.

I know. I know this one's me.

This is for my book.

I'm at a calorie deficit
and I'm in here crying every day,

writing a book.

Right, so,

um, I might not all the way
be myself right now.

Wha... what is the deal over
the next eight weeks though?

-So, is it shoot and toss out?
-So, this is the...

Yeah. Yeah, no, no.
We're gonna...

Well, no. We're gonna...
We're not gonna worry about that.

I'm gonna put some
regular clothes on.

Just, if you guys...
I'll just put some pants on.

So, uh, Will let us in
and has agreed to shoot but, um,

some executive's here
from the production company.

So, I guess we'll, uh,
see how this plays out.

When you're trying
to drop weight

and you're trying to be
at a deficit

and you're trying to write your
memoir at the same time,

it's everything you have.

Yeah.

Right? And...

And a deadline...

Right? I'm doing something
that's important

to me right now,

leave me alone.

I want to make art
and I want to create.

Like, don't...
tell me about the schedule.

I don't want the... show
or something like...

That mindset is disruptive
to me in the creative process.

The journey itself of...
of my actual transformation and the show

have somehow gotten out of sync.

I think any time
that you're embarking on a journey of this sort,

it's about transformation,
right?

[Will] It's like I lost
my guys a little bit.

And...

they became company men.

I think when we talked,
I feel like we talked on December 26th or whatever,

you thought the show
will keep me accountable for the journey.

Right, yeah, it's like,
I'm not trying to make a show.

I'm trying to do what I'm doing,

shoot it, and you make a show.

-Ri... ri... Right.
-Yeah.

...the budget,
...the deadline.

They'll get what we give them.

[Ramani] Will is really
in a very real way committing to the idea

that he cannot sacrifice
his mental health

in the name of these other
sorts of journeys that he wants to go on

because let me tell you,
in mental health there's not as many second chances.

Six, seven, eight,
nine, ten, eleven,

twelve, thirteen, fourteen,
fifteen, sixteen weeks.

Sixteen weeks. Right, so,
that's supposed to be roughly 205.

-I'm not gonna be 205.
-No, you're not.

And the thing that
I'm trying to do also is

to not tap into my old mindset

'cause I can do anything
when I, you know,

tap into that soldier.

Right. So, it's not about
the harsh energy. It's more about...

[Will] Yeah.
A more sustainable mindset.

-205.4 that one said, right?
-Yeah, it was 2... So...

We gon' take the...
We're going with the...

We'll go with the 205.4.
Give me a little cushion for next week.

Okay.

[line trilling]

[woman #1]
Hey, Will, uh, reminder

we never got those chapters
over to the publishers last week.

Call me back
when you get a sec.

[Will] There's a funny thing
with deadlines, right? So,

artists need deadlines,

and need budgetary confines

to get jammed into the work.

Like... I needed the deadline
to be looming

in order to force me
to dive into

those areas of myself

that I've been avoidin'...
for my whole life basically.

So, in the book,

I have a real button...

on people getting lost
in their emotions.

I hate it.

Like it... it signals
destruction to me.

Right. Somebody is...

you know, freaking out.

And even, Daddy-O would
crack us for that shit growing up.

-"Oh, my God. Dad, there's a..."
-Yeah.

We were raised...

at base survival.

Yeah.

-Even when we weren't.
-Ye... Right.

Even when it wasn't base
survival, that mentality.

That mentality was
base survival.

Um, so this is the...
this is the pivot point.

Right?

And I can't even think about
the damn thing...

without being like...

But... it is the...
it's the center of,

um, every difficulty
of my adult life.

[Will] We all delude
ourselves a little bit

around the things
that scare us.

We invent these stories
to protect ourselves.

Sometimes we'd rather
blindfold ourselves

than take a cold hard look
at the world

exactly as it is.

My first impulse is always to
clean up the truth in my mind.

I redesign it and replace it

with whatever suits me

or really whatever suits you.

I'm a crowd pleaser.

I'm a master storyteller.

I thought about showing you
the flawless diamond.

A swaggy, unbreakable winner.

A fantasy image
of a successful human being.

The truth, is whatever I decide
to make you believe

and I will make you believe it.
That's what I do.

[Will] Of course there's
the red carpet walking, tight fade wearing,

box office record breaking,
I Am Legend, pull up doing jiggy-ass Will Smith.

And then there's me.
This book is about me.

[Will narrating]

Daddy-O was one of
the greatest blessings of my life

and also, one of
my greatest sources of pain.

There were two issues.

First, he had a brutal temper

and second his drinking.

When he was angry or drunk,
he became an idiot.

He would break his own rules,
subvert his own objectives

destroy his own things.

My mom is in many ways
the total opposite of my father.

Whereas Daddy-O was
the boisterous, charismatic center of attention,

my mom carried
a quiet reserved elegance.

She loved words,
and always chose them carefully.

My mother spoke with
an academic sophistication.

As much as we all suffered
under Daddy-O's militaristic views of love and family,

nobody suffered more
than my mother.

Each of my siblings remembers
that night in the bedroom

with me standing there
in the doorway

I watched my father punch
my mother so hard

that she spit up blood.

That moment probably more
than any other moment

in my life has defined
who I am today.

Each of my siblings
responded differently

in ways that would go on
to define who we were for much of our lives.

[Will] If Harry was fight,
Ellen was flight, and I became a pleaser.

I wanted to please
and placate him

because as long as Daddy-O
was laughing and smiling

I believed we would be safe.

I was the entertainer
in the family.

I wanted to keep everything
light and fun and joyful.

And while this
psychological response would

later bear artistic
and financial fruits,

it also meant that
my little nine-year-old brain

processed Daddy-O's
abusive episodes

as somehow being my fault.

I should've been able to
keep my father satisfied.

I should've been able to
protect my mother.

I should've been able to make
the family stable and happy.

I should've been able
to make everything alright.

But that night in the bedroom,
watching my father's fists collide

with the woman I love
most in the world,

watching as she collapsed
on the ground,

helpless, I just stood there.

I was my mom's oldest son.

I was less than ten yards away

and I was the only chance
she had for help,

yet I did nothing.

It was then that my young
identity congealed in my mind.

An unshakeable feeling
that no matter what I have done,

no matter how successful
I've become,

no matter how much money
I've made or how many number one hits I've had,

how many box office records
I've broken,

there's that subtle
and silent feeling

always pulsating in the back
of my mind

that I'm a coward...
that I failed.

That I'm sorry, my mom.
I'm so sorry.

[indistinct chattering]

Okay.

-Okay.
-Sure.

-Oh, thanks.
-Appreciate it.

-Exactly.
-I didn't know what to wear.

Exactly.

[indistinct]

So, every... everyone has...
has met my mom. Um...

Uh, so, my... my mum, uh...
uh... read her... the chapter for the first time.

-Okay.
-Uh...

Yesterday, yeah, so we...
[Will laughing]

And she still agreed
to come sit with us.

No, uh...

-But...
-If I must.

If you, yeah...

Did you feel like you had an
option as to whether to be there

or to choose to... leave?

I said, no I'm not gonna do this
with my children there.

No, this is... you know,
not gonna be...

Make them more upset
with me screaming and hollering.

One of the things you said
that was really strong too, you said,

part of the reason that
you were standing up to daddy

is 'cause you knew
your kids were...

Yeah, yes.

You knew your kids could hear,

and you knew your kids
could see.

-Yes.
-And she wanted...

-Yes.
-She wanted us...

to think he wasn't hurting her.

Maybe had I been more submissive

things may have been different.

[laughs]

Grit my teeth and buckle down.

My children aren't gonna
be more rattled

because I'm rattled.

That's so powerful.
Simultaneously you were teaching him,

that that's not how you
treat a woman.

That... that was
the only time in my life

that I ever considered suicide.

-Mm.
-I see.

-Yes.
-That was the only time... in my life

that I ever
thought about killing myself

'cause it was, it was
all my failure in my mind.

You know, the... the...
the whole idea of...

me... of thinking of myself

as, uh, a coward

was... was new...

for her, you know,
it's like, we've never,

we've never talked about it.
Um...

The idea that I felt like
I should've done something was so...

you know, foreign.

You know, so, she, uh...
uh, reassured,

uh, little Will
that there was nothing that

he could have done.

-I... I never thought
he was a coward. -Of course.

Now, you seem to take on
responsibility for yourself.

-Right.
-Mm-hmm.

Which is a way
of maintaining control,

even if it's a dire,
dark narrative,

and I think that all of that
responsibility taking

is a way of controlling.
Something you do throughout your career.

It was, it was probably like
a trauma reaction.

[Ramani] He watched his mother
be physically abused.

There was this real sense
of fear,

his father held the family
in sort of the throes of fear,

so everybody would sort of
snap to it.

In order for a child
to survive that

they better have a rich
imaginary world.

So, he got to take
his imaginary world,

the place he worked
stuff through,

and turned it into
entertainment.

I was always intrigued
with my mind,

and...

very young, I knew I could feel
how I wanted to feel.

Right?
Uh, like, I've...

I had spent enough time
in my mind,

you know, that I knew
I could ignore things.

I could concentrate
on other things.

I could paint pictures,
like, I knew that...

Um...

[Will] I could get to a smile,

it didn't matter
what was going on.

I could contort my mind
to find a smile.

[Ramani] Will quitting the show

may look like a failure
to a lot to people,

but there's actually
another way to look at it...

as a breakthrough.

Perhaps, for the first time,
Will is choosing himself.

He's not hiding behind humor,

or control,
or the idea of winning,

instead,
he's giving himself space

to process and deal
with his past.

Clear your ears.
No problems?

We'll just swim a nice slow
descent. Is that okay?

[Will] Chapter 16. Purpose.

I ask myself

if you could snap your fingers
and have any life you wanted,

what would it look like?

This question led me
into an area of my inner world

that had danger signs
all over it.

The answer would have
to be extracted

from the murky, swampy,
shadow regions of my psyche.

What if I rip down
all the boards and barriers and barricades

and whatever demon is in there
takes over?

What if I can't put it back?

What if I like it being out?

Would you like to go
a little deeper?

But I approached
the dark place.

I wanted to see
what was in there.

We're about 130 feet.

What are Will's feelings,
Will's opinions,

Will's needs, Will's ideas?

Who are you really?

Okay.

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