Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,929 --> 00:00:03,046
Growing up,
2
00:00:03,131 --> 00:00:05,343
the most popular room
was also the smallest
3
00:00:05,428 --> 00:00:07,880
but it had the best seat
in the house.
4
00:00:07,965 --> 00:00:09,683
Occupied!
5
00:00:09,768 --> 00:00:11,233
Occupied!
6
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,912
Occupied!
7
00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:16,648
Sweet Jesus,
I've seen it all before!
8
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:19,918
The only way to avoid
getting in each other's way
9
00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:21,838
was to gather
in the flickering glow
10
00:00:21,923 --> 00:00:24,524
of the modern fireplace
and ignore each other...
11
00:00:25,218 --> 00:00:26,810
Together as a family.
12
00:00:28,225 --> 00:00:30,310
When kids my age
were watching alf,
13
00:00:30,395 --> 00:00:33,335
I was memorizing
Bob hope routines.
14
00:00:33,459 --> 00:00:36,117
I didn't know why the baseball
was getting bigger and bigger
15
00:00:36,202 --> 00:00:37,920
And bigger;
Then it hit me.
16
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:44,142
Thank you very much.
17
00:00:44,546 --> 00:00:45,640
Thank you very much.
18
00:00:45,724 --> 00:00:47,162
*SON OF A CRITCH*
Season 01 Episode 03
19
00:00:47,246 --> 00:00:49,498
The schoolyard was what
we comedians might call
20
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:50,834
A "tough room".
21
00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:52,436
Hey, fellas.
22
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,038
Man is it cold today,
or what?
23
00:00:54,123 --> 00:00:55,655
You know, it's so cold
the politicians
24
00:00:55,740 --> 00:00:57,858
have their hands
in their own pockets!
25
00:00:59,356 --> 00:01:01,356
Episode Title: "Cello, I Must Be Going"
Aired on: January 18, 2022.
26
00:01:01,515 --> 00:01:02,879
Say, fellas,
27
00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:04,815
Did you catch that
Bob hope birthday tribute
28
00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,108
Last night on TV?
29
00:01:06,193 --> 00:01:07,517
You know you're
getting old
30
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,286
when the candles
cost more than the cake,
31
00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:10,835
Am I right?
32
00:01:11,335 --> 00:01:14,038
This stuff killed at home,
but on the schoolyard
33
00:01:14,123 --> 00:01:16,509
it could very well end up
getting me killed.
34
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,628
You losers want to hear
something really funny?
35
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:19,945
Eddie Murphy!
36
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,513
Whoa, I hear this is filthy!
37
00:01:21,648 --> 00:01:22,833
Where'd you get that?
38
00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,234
It's my dad's.
39
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,652
Mom's gone on vacation
with her dumb-ass new boyfriend
40
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,572
so I have to stay
at his house.
41
00:01:31,208 --> 00:01:32,673
What's so funny?
42
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,729
I had never heard
language like that before.
43
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,750
Not even that time
pop fell asleep
44
00:01:39,834 --> 00:01:41,218
with a lit smoke
in his mouth.
45
00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:43,553
Your father lets you
listen to language like that?
46
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,103
- He doesn't care.
- He's never home.
47
00:01:45,238 --> 00:01:46,572
Give it back.
48
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:52,729
Clearly, it was time
to freshen up my act.
49
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:55,015
Exciting news,
children.
50
00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:57,956
The school will be holding
a public speaking contest
51
00:01:58,530 --> 00:02:01,186
and though the Bible
tells us to judge not,
52
00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:03,889
Sister Rose and I
will be doing just that.
53
00:02:05,093 --> 00:02:07,911
It will be happening
one week from today
54
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:10,747
in the gymnatorium
on the main stage.
55
00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:12,749
- Finally!
- A stage.
56
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:14,418
Comedy in front of nuns?
57
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,186
Now, that
was my crowd.
58
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:18,021
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
59
00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:19,456
How are ya, folks?
60
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,291
Sisters, fathers,
brothers.
61
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:23,293
I guess you could say
the whole family is here!
62
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:25,243
Even the bishop made it.
63
00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:27,796
And he can only move
diagonally.
64
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,566
You're a
great crowd.
65
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,116
I really mean that!
66
00:02:33,353 --> 00:02:34,519
Mark! Mark! Mark!
67
00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:38,208
Mark?
68
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:42,045
As I was saying, if any of you
would like to participate,
69
00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:45,464
please see sister Rose
to register after school
70
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:46,817
in the music room.
71
00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:48,100
After school?
72
00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:50,802
I had put my career
on hold long enough.
73
00:02:51,288 --> 00:02:53,205
Sister, may I
be excused?
74
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,726
I left my inhaler
in my coat.
75
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,428
You can
borrow mine.
76
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,097
shut up.
77
00:03:00,181 --> 00:03:01,398
Be quick about it.
78
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:03,181
He's not quick
about anything.
79
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:08,120
A vow of celibacy
meant the only passion
80
00:03:08,255 --> 00:03:09,955
in sister Rose's life
was music.
81
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,458
Sister Rose.
82
00:03:13,970 --> 00:03:16,295
Mark Critch.
Such a fan of your work.
83
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:19,965
A principal who also volunteers
for music and public speaking?
84
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:22,786
Where do you
find the time?
85
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,136
- Speaking of...
- Hmm?
86
00:03:24,271 --> 00:03:26,838
I would like to register
for the contest!
87
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,706
You're Ritchie Perez's
little friend.
88
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,495
Yes, you'll do nicely.
89
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,645
I guess I do have
a way with words.
90
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:35,098
Oh, no,
not that.
91
00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:38,016
As you know, Mr. Critch,
I conduct the school orchestra.
92
00:03:38,475 --> 00:03:40,319
I need a
second cellist.
93
00:03:40,616 --> 00:03:43,173
And now you show up
out of the blue.
94
00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:46,143
Yes, this is
divine intervention.
95
00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:47,844
Your friend,
Ritchie, plays
96
00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:50,447
And now you will play
the cello as well.
97
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:52,949
- Play cello?
- In my school?
98
00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:54,699
This was
a death sentence.
99
00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:56,618
Sister,
I'm flattered,
100
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:58,188
obviously.
101
00:03:58,272 --> 00:03:59,638
I truly am
102
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:02,325
but I'm really trying to focus
on my comedy right now.
103
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,127
So, about the contest...
104
00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:05,711
Oh, I'm not asking,
Mr. Critch.
105
00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:07,297
Desperate
for warm bodies,
106
00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:09,166
The nuns had turned
to conscription.
107
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,534
I'd been drafted.
108
00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:14,429
Rehearsals are Tuesdays
and Thursdays at lunch.
109
00:04:14,514 --> 00:04:15,832
Do not be late.
110
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:17,155
Uhh...
111
00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:19,142
I'm a big fan of lunch
in general.
112
00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:21,011
It's what I call
'me time'.
113
00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:21,960
Maybe...
114
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,580
if you do not
play the cello,
115
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:26,516
there will be no
speaking contest for you.
116
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,033
Checkmate.
117
00:04:30,004 --> 00:04:31,436
And Mark?
118
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:33,371
Are you
119
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:36,575
any relation
to a Mr. Patrick Crritch?
120
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:38,710
He's my grandfather.
121
00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:40,945
Do say hello for me.
122
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,319
I couldn't sleep.
123
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,773
My dream had become
a nightmare.
124
00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:52,375
Hey!
125
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,859
Let me hear
some noise!
126
00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,948
Aren't nuns stupid?
127
00:04:58,032 --> 00:05:00,183
Nun said she saw me runnin'
in the hall the other day.
128
00:05:00,267 --> 00:05:01,351
Know what
I told her?
129
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,186
I told her
it wasn't me!
130
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:04,087
Look at me.
131
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:05,388
Do I look
like I run?
132
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,057
I'm so lazy,
I sweat gravy!
133
00:05:14,451 --> 00:05:16,136
Now, what's wrong
with you?
134
00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:19,217
You got a face on ya
like a boiled boot.
135
00:05:19,538 --> 00:05:22,620
Our nun principal
is making me play the cello.
136
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:25,045
And she said to say
hello to you.
137
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,958
Sister Rose?
138
00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:30,261
Sister Rose.
139
00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:35,533
Oh, that's a long time
since I've heard that name.
140
00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:38,370
Here.
141
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,038
I want to
be a comedian.
142
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,958
I don't want to be
some dumb cellist.
143
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,159
Mm-hm, here.
144
00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:44,828
Everyone will
laugh at me!
145
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,896
- I'll get you out of it.
- I'll write you a note.
146
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,632
That's awesome!
147
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:51,567
You know, she's not as bad
as she looks.
148
00:05:51,651 --> 00:05:52,902
Thanks, pop.
149
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:54,386
This should do it.
150
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,289
Here you are.
Now...
151
00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:00,125
Don't open it!
152
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,127
It's strongly worded.
153
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,133
What are you
up to?
154
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:11,321
I can't show an interest
in my grandson's well-being
155
00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:14,179
without there being
some ulterior motive?
156
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,260
Not usually, no.
157
00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,816
- You're not even trying.
- I hate this!
158
00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:26,369
It's your fault
that I'm here.
159
00:06:26,453 --> 00:06:28,653
I'm not apologizing
for being your friend.
160
00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:30,807
Besides, I'm glad
you're here.
161
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,091
My parents make me play
and I'm not very good.
162
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,493
But with you
next to me,
163
00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:35,961
I'm going to look
way better.
164
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,547
Nice.
165
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:39,949
Huh, first thing
is how you hold the bow:
166
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,485
Make sure your thumb
and number two finger
167
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:43,820
are across
from each other.
168
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,388
You know what finger
I'm about to use?
169
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:46,605
Mark!
170
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:48,708
It was nice
playing with you.
171
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,274
Good luck with it.
172
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,179
I'm so sorry
to do this
173
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,533
But I have to quit.
174
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,850
I'm afraid my schedule
simply does not allow.
175
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,220
I have a note.
176
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,679
Dear sister Rose,
177
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,329
Or "Rosie"
178
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:14,417
As I knew you then
when life was new
179
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:15,934
and love
was everything.
180
00:07:16,694 --> 00:07:18,579
Do you remember
that first kiss
181
00:07:18,679 --> 00:07:20,478
Beneath the church
bell tower?
182
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:25,350
The orange I gave you
was as stolen as the kiss
183
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:28,598
But it was all I had
to offer you, Rosie.
184
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:30,548
My forbidden fruit!
185
00:07:31,174 --> 00:07:32,726
I can still taste
186
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,335
the sweet citrus
from your lips.
187
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:38,208
I swore I would never
let another orange
188
00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:39,843
Touch them again.
189
00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:41,378
I even got scurvy.
190
00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:43,695
The doctor put me
on vitamin c pills
191
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,715
But they gave me
acid reflux.
192
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,966
Anyway, never mind
about that.
193
00:07:48,909 --> 00:07:51,100
Your eternal flame
194
00:07:51,185 --> 00:07:54,077
Will forever burn
in my broken heart.
195
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,364
Rose!
196
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:58,243
What do you think
you're doing?
197
00:07:58,845 --> 00:08:00,263
Oh!
198
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,698
You come with me.
199
00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:03,266
- Patrick!
- Rose!
200
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,850
- Patrick!
- Rose!
201
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,369
Rose!!
202
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:07,853
May god forgive me.
203
00:08:08,639 --> 00:08:11,307
P.S. Please excuse Mark
from cello.
204
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:13,058
The boy is soft.
205
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:15,171
All the best,
Patrick.
206
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:19,569
I do not accept
your note.
207
00:08:20,220 --> 00:08:22,960
You can't enter
208
00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:24,888
The speaking contest
209
00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:29,274
Until you have mastered
at least one song on the cello.
210
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,076
And you may give
your grandfather
211
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,811
this note
from me.
212
00:08:36,342 --> 00:08:37,593
Do not read it.
213
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:40,470
It's a sin to covet
the written words of others,
214
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:42,889
and it is punishable
by strapping.
215
00:08:45,155 --> 00:08:47,076
I don't remember that
in the Bible.
216
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,678
Must be
post-Vatican 2.
217
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,656
What's in the box,
tool?
218
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,324
Not like you
to lift something heavy.
219
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:02,358
- I'm sorry.
- If I told you
220
00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:03,927
I'd have to explain
what a cello is
221
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:05,929
And then I'd have to explain
what an orchestra is,
222
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:08,131
and I have
a bus to catch.
223
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:10,916
Aw, little wuss
224
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,851
probably got
his mommy in there.
225
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:15,004
Forcing my mother
inside a cello case
226
00:09:15,088 --> 00:09:17,140
and then dragging it
around school all day
227
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,842
Wouldn't make me
a wuss,
228
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,710
it'd make me
a psychopath.
229
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:23,213
I know you are
but what am I?
230
00:09:23,297 --> 00:09:24,981
What?
231
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:28,184
Oh, gee.
232
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,905
Sounds like he got
a cat in there.
233
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,794
See?
234
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:39,362
It's a cello.
235
00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:40,730
It's a
big guitar!
236
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,880
No, idiot,
it's a big fiddle.
237
00:09:50,156 --> 00:09:51,707
Ow!
238
00:09:51,791 --> 00:09:53,243
Give it back!
239
00:09:53,327 --> 00:09:55,912
Hey, look at me;
I'm Eddie Van Halen!
240
00:09:57,598 --> 00:10:01,017
Seriously, how is there never
a nun around when you need one?
241
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,701
Okay, that's enough,
nimrods.
242
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:05,255
- He's gonna miss his bus.
- Oh, you hear that?
243
00:10:05,339 --> 00:10:07,690
Her boyfriend's
gonna miss his bus.
244
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,474
Ooh!
245
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,060
Get in the case.
246
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,889
- Get off me.
- Stop, let go!
247
00:10:13,974 --> 00:10:16,008
Come on, get her in,
get her in.
248
00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:24,898
It was either me or the cello
and I hated the cello
249
00:10:24,983 --> 00:10:26,925
almost as much
as I hated the foxes.
250
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,929
So, I picked me.
251
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:40,405
Did she read
my note?
252
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,640
Yep, she gave me this.
253
00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,242
Hm.
254
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:50,733
My dearest Patrick,
255
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:53,418
Oh, how your words
made me tremble.
256
00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:56,454
I felt as though
I was a young girl again.
257
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,350
Patrick...
258
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:08,833
My heart!
259
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,505
You stay away!
260
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,592
- Rose, don't go!
- Patrick!
261
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,560
Why did you not
fight for me that day?
262
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,110
Stay away!
263
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:23,181
She who would gladly
spend an eternity in hell
264
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:24,634
for just
one night
265
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:27,036
in your
fiery embrace.
266
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,371
P.S.
267
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,840
Mark may not be excused
from playing cello.
268
00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:33,824
While the boy is soft,
I am a cellist short.
269
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:37,529
I'm going to write
you another note.
270
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,600
Who loses a cello?
271
00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:43,935
I didn't lose it.
272
00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:45,455
It was
beaten from me.
273
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:48,658
What the hell, fox?
274
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:51,461
I called you three times
last night - no answer.
275
00:11:51,545 --> 00:11:53,210
I'm staying
at my dad's, dummy.
276
00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,398
Where's my cello?
277
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:57,900
My brother tried to sell it
but nobody wants a stupid cello
278
00:11:57,984 --> 00:11:59,435
so he dumped it
in my dad's backyard.
279
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,804
That's not good, too much
humidity. Varnish wo...
280
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,154
Stay out of this.
281
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:04,741
You have to take me there
at lunch.
282
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:06,309
No!
283
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,311
Dad said I'm not allowed
to have kids over.
284
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:09,579
Well, too bad.
285
00:12:09,663 --> 00:12:11,681
Maybe his kids
shouldn't steal cellos then!
286
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:12,949
You don't understand.
287
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,299
No, you don't
understand.
288
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,285
That nun
is going to kill me.
289
00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:19,170
We're gonna
be late.
290
00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:21,839
I thought
we were friends
291
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,326
but you're no better
than your brothers.
292
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:24,909
You're all
the same.
293
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:27,278
Fine.
294
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:28,765
Lunchtime.
295
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,801
But you do as I say
or so help me...
296
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,790
I asked Ritchie
to cover for me.
297
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:40,777
Perhaps I asked
too much.
298
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,193
He's coming.
299
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:44,447
He just had to go to
the washroom first.
300
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,015
Mm.
301
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,335
I think
he had to poop.
302
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,058
He's been pooping
a lot lately.
303
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:58,209
Eh, um, we shall
begin without him.
304
00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:09,172
Fox was embarrassed
by her father's house
305
00:13:09,256 --> 00:13:10,540
but I envied her.
306
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,175
I longed for neighbours
to play with
307
00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:15,860
and she literally had them
on the other side of her walls.
308
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:18,147
I'm not supposed
to just show up.
309
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:20,683
- That doesn't make any sense.
- It's your house, too.
310
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:23,219
I don't stay here; It's just
'cuz mom is out of town
311
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,836
with her
dumb boyfriend.
312
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,370
You wouldn't
understand.
313
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,546
Hm.
314
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,316
He should be here
by now.
315
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:39,969
It's definitely
a poop.
316
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,419
Stop talking
about poop!
317
00:13:42,109 --> 00:13:43,438
I'm going to
check on him.
318
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:45,608
I have to poop
whenever I eat ice cream.
319
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:46,843
What?
320
00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:48,244
Every ice cream day,
321
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,279
I bring 50 cents
for a fudge stick.
322
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:51,929
But whenever
I eat it,
323
00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:53,449
My stomach hurts.
324
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,585
Why don't you just
stop eating them?
325
00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:57,053
They taste
too good.
326
00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:59,055
One time
I didn't make it.
327
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:01,739
Had to hide my pants
in a snowbank.
328
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,609
Eh, ju-ju-just
play it again.
329
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:16,955
Listen to the roar
330
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:18,474
of this capacity crowd
331
00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,076
Here at
memorial stadium
332
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,811
For the
superstars of wrestling.
333
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:26,215
The air was heavy
with an unfamiliar smell
334
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:28,032
That I now know
as beer.
335
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:29,619
Whipper Billy Watson
336
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,168
Faces off against
337
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,642
Take it and go!
338
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,040
Be quiet.
339
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,796
He's coming up
against the ropes here now and...
340
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,280
ohh!!
341
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:19,016
Whipper is really
going to work!
342
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:22,820
Oh, I mean, how much more
can a man withstand?
343
00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:29,045
This is what you do
when I'm asleep, is it?
344
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:31,663
I had never been
more terrified in my life
345
00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:33,815
and I was taught
by nuns.
346
00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:39,488
Where'd you
steal that?
347
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,490
- It's his.
- He left it here.
348
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:42,992
He's just a friend
from school, dad.
349
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:45,394
This what you do at lunch
times, you bring boys home?
350
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,545
You're just like
your mother, you are.
351
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,113
Just go.
352
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:52,201
Go!
353
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,170
So, who told you
you could come here?
354
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:56,639
You tell your mother
and her friggin' boyfriend
355
00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:59,924
that I ain't running no frigging
daycare centre, ya hear me?
356
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,863
Should I play it
again or...
357
00:16:13,828 --> 00:16:15,312
Sorry I'm late.
358
00:16:15,419 --> 00:16:16,837
I...
359
00:16:31,119 --> 00:16:34,206
Sweet merciful Christ.
360
00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:37,862
Pop gave me this
for you.
361
00:16:39,355 --> 00:16:41,107
My dearest Rosie.
362
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,386
As I watched her
pull you away,
363
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:45,054
I could only
think of two things.
364
00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:47,890
One: That you had
some kind of arse on ya.
365
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:52,628
And two: That a fool like me
could never offer you
366
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,445
Anything but grief.
367
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:58,249
What a fool I was
all those years ago.
368
00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,038
I know that you believe
in a heaven
369
00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:03,855
that I shall never see
370
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,908
but, if god
pities liars
371
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:07,458
and we do
meet again,
372
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:09,378
let us love each other
373
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:12,114
the way we should have done
from the start.
374
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,416
P.S.
375
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,400
Let the boy
off the hook
376
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,653
and I'll come over there
and grab onto you
377
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,871
like you were
the last life jacket
378
00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:21,739
on the bloody Titanic.
379
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:27,778
You don't have to
play the cello anymore.
380
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:29,947
Get out.
381
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:47,416
Look, I didn't see anything
and I was never in your house,
382
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:48,966
Okay?
383
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,655
But he shouldn't
grab you like that.
384
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:55,091
- I knew it.
- I can't trust you.
385
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:56,492
This is all your fault.
386
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,242
You're dead
if you say anything.
387
00:17:58,377 --> 00:18:00,409
- Do you hear me?
- Dead!
388
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,853
And, in conclusion,
389
00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:11,140
that is why I plan
to keep my virginity
390
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,309
until marriage
and save it for Jesus!
391
00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:14,877
Thank you!
392
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:22,533
Our next speaker
is Mark Critch.
393
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:24,068
His topic is...
394
00:18:25,519 --> 00:18:27,037
Jokes.
395
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,672
Mark?
396
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:31,551
Hello?
397
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,711
I mean,
"how are ya?"
398
00:18:36,380 --> 00:18:37,847
Good news!
399
00:18:37,932 --> 00:18:39,665
The principal said
we are only going to have
400
00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:41,268
a half day of school
this morning.
401
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:46,690
And the bad news is
402
00:18:46,775 --> 00:18:49,347
We're going to have the
other half in the afternoon.
403
00:18:52,244 --> 00:18:53,711
Uh...
404
00:18:54,182 --> 00:18:57,035
I told my mother I got
a hundred the other day.
405
00:18:57,166 --> 00:18:59,833
I got a 60 in spelling
and a 40 in math.
406
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,391
The old jokes I'd learned
were bombing.
407
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,894
I put fox through all of that
for nothing.
408
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,262
"Screw it,"
I figured.
409
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:07,696
If I was going to bomb,
410
00:19:07,819 --> 00:19:10,308
at least I'd bomb
with original material.
411
00:19:10,578 --> 00:19:12,729
The other day,
I asked sister Rose
412
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:15,838
if she would give me the strap
for something I didn't do.
413
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:18,574
She said,
"no, of course not!"
414
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:19,862
So I said, "good,"
415
00:19:19,947 --> 00:19:21,798
Because I didn't do
my homework."
416
00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:29,668
I asked sister Margaret
if pets go to heaven.
417
00:19:29,865 --> 00:19:30,965
She wouldn't answer.
418
00:19:31,108 --> 00:19:32,874
I then asked her
if god created everything
419
00:19:32,987 --> 00:19:34,471
then who made god?
420
00:19:34,556 --> 00:19:36,623
She told me to stop
asking questions.
421
00:19:36,889 --> 00:19:38,974
She's not so much
of a catholic nun
422
00:19:39,059 --> 00:19:41,011
and more of a
none-of-your-business.
423
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,606
As sister Margaret dragged me
off the stage by the ear,
424
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:54,258
I realized I didn't need to be
Bob hope or Eddie Murphy.
425
00:19:54,879 --> 00:19:56,945
I just needed
to be myself.
426
00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:23,320
Ho.
427
00:20:24,967 --> 00:20:26,417
Hm.
428
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:29,059
- Hm.
- Hm-hm-hm.
429
00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:31,280
Gross!
430
00:20:33,056 --> 00:20:35,089
What was I thinking?
431
00:20:37,630 --> 00:20:39,029
Hey!
432
00:20:42,734 --> 00:20:44,185
Surprisingly,
433
00:20:44,270 --> 00:20:46,262
Once I no longer
had to play the cello,
434
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:48,998
I actually kind of
wanted to play the cello.
435
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,201
Jesus.
436
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:54,136
I came to realize
that my family
437
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:56,254
would applaud pretty much
everything I did,
438
00:20:56,389 --> 00:20:57,840
no matter how lame.
439
00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:59,842
This was a bit
of a letdown.
440
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:01,692
But it was also
a comfort.
441
00:21:02,824 --> 00:21:04,290
Here, boy.
442
00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:08,598
Good night.
443
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,520
That was really good,
my ducky.
444
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,155
Just play it again.
445
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:15,024
Some people
want the truth
446
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:17,441
but there'd be
lots of time for that.
447
00:21:17,526 --> 00:21:20,640
I was happy to have a family
that loved me enough
448
00:21:20,725 --> 00:21:22,124
To lie to me.31529
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof