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1
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www.tvsubtitles.net
2
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I am gonna love this.
3
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- Hey.
- Hey, Alex.
4
00:00:10,593 --> 00:00:13,255
So are we all ready to pick names
for Secret Santa?
5
00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:15,864
- Yeah. We're just waiting for Howard.
- Okay.
6
00:00:16,032 --> 00:00:17,659
Hey, listen.
7
00:00:17,834 --> 00:00:21,065
Promise if you get Joey's name for
Secret Santa, you'll give it to me?
8
00:00:21,237 --> 00:00:23,797
What? You'll get him the perfect gift
and he'll realize:
9
00:00:23,973 --> 00:00:27,306
"Oh, my God, I was supposed to be
with Alex all along"?
10
00:00:27,977 --> 00:00:31,606
There would also be a makeover montage,
but that's the basic idea.
11
00:00:32,549 --> 00:00:34,414
- Hey.
- All right, Howard.
12
00:00:34,584 --> 00:00:37,314
Okay, the names are all ready
for the Secret Santa.
13
00:00:37,487 --> 00:00:40,684
And since I did all the preparation,
I'll just go first.
14
00:00:40,857 --> 00:00:44,691
Oh, okay. This looks like somebody
it might be fun to get a present for.
15
00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:51,298
Well, what I want more than anything
is a white Christmas.
16
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:55,029
Just a blanket of snow on the ground,
you know. And you can go bobsledding...
17
00:00:55,205 --> 00:00:59,005
...have snowball fights...
- Joey, we're in L.A.
18
00:00:59,909 --> 00:01:03,208
Are we just saying obvious things now?
It's Wednesday.
19
00:01:03,379 --> 00:01:05,040
No, it's not.
20
00:01:07,383 --> 00:01:08,475
Hey, give me that.
21
00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:11,745
Cheater. I wonder whose name
you put on the red piece of paper?
22
00:01:11,921 --> 00:01:13,684
Damn it. It was the perfect crime.
23
00:01:13,857 --> 00:01:16,087
I should have never left you alive.
24
00:01:16,259 --> 00:01:17,453
What?
25
00:01:17,627 --> 00:01:20,095
I get Joey. You take mine.
26
00:01:20,263 --> 00:01:24,791
No, not him. He doesn't deserve a gift.
I hate him.
27
00:01:26,903 --> 00:01:28,768
Jeez. Did you have Michael or Zach?
28
00:01:28,938 --> 00:01:31,406
I had Howard.
29
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:07,066
This is the life, huh?
30
00:02:07,243 --> 00:02:09,803
When you move next door to me,
we can do this every day.
31
00:02:09,979 --> 00:02:14,541
Hang out, smoke cigars, drink beers.
Just be guys, huh?
32
00:02:14,717 --> 00:02:16,810
Can you open this for me?
33
00:02:17,754 --> 00:02:20,086
I just moisturized.
34
00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:23,817
Alex, we need another one opened up.
35
00:02:23,993 --> 00:02:27,451
For God's sake. Jeez.
36
00:02:27,697 --> 00:02:29,221
Thank you.
37
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:34,962
I hope this isn't too forward,
but it just got a lot prettier out here.
38
00:02:35,672 --> 00:02:38,539
I'm not making you any more sandwiches.
39
00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:40,842
We'll see.
40
00:02:42,045 --> 00:02:43,740
- Hey, guys.
- What are you doing here?
41
00:02:43,913 --> 00:02:46,973
- I thought you were with Abby?
- Yeah, we got into this big talk...
42
00:02:47,150 --> 00:02:50,517
...about where our relationship is going.
- Oh, the talk.
43
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:53,385
- What'd you tell her?
- Well, I said I didn't know.
44
00:02:53,556 --> 00:02:56,548
And now we're taking time off
until I can figure out what I want.
45
00:02:56,726 --> 00:02:58,523
We broke up, I guess.
46
00:02:58,695 --> 00:03:01,664
You know what? You did the right thing.
What are you gonna do?
47
00:03:01,831 --> 00:03:04,425
Move in together? Get engaged?
You don't want that.
48
00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:09,300
Oh, really? Why? Because then he might
be in a committed relationship?
49
00:03:09,472 --> 00:03:12,498
Well, don't say it in that scary voice.
50
00:03:14,510 --> 00:03:17,843
I'm just saying you don't wanna jump
into anything you'll regret, okay?
51
00:03:18,014 --> 00:03:20,710
Abby was, like,
your first real girlfriend, ever.
52
00:03:20,884 --> 00:03:23,546
Yeah, but I also hated being single.
I was terrible at it.
53
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:25,711
Yeah, but you're a changed man now,
Michael.
54
00:03:25,889 --> 00:03:29,985
Once one girl gives you the stamp
of approval, other girls can sense it.
55
00:03:30,159 --> 00:03:32,320
Women have a part of the brain
that we don't.
56
00:03:32,495 --> 00:03:34,690
It's called the fibullon.
57
00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:37,896
That is very not true.
58
00:03:38,067 --> 00:03:41,230
Michael, being single is great, okay?
You can say:
59
00:03:41,404 --> 00:03:44,498
"Tonight, I'm gonna pick up
and go to Tijuana. " And you just do it.
60
00:03:44,674 --> 00:03:47,199
- I never did that when I was single.
- That is my fault.
61
00:03:47,377 --> 00:03:50,471
I am your uncle. It is my job
to teach you about life, huh?
62
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,241
Okay, so tonight, we're gonna go
to Tijuana.
63
00:03:53,416 --> 00:03:58,285
Guys' road trip. The men are going
to Mexico.
64
00:03:58,454 --> 00:04:00,684
- Alex.
- Alex.
65
00:04:03,927 --> 00:04:06,452
- Michael, come on, let's go.
- This is gonna be awesome.
66
00:04:06,629 --> 00:04:08,062
México, baby.
67
00:04:08,231 --> 00:04:09,960
- All right, let's go.
- All right, huh?
68
00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:14,331
Zach knows all the cool hot spots to hit.
We are gonna get so many women.
69
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:18,668
Alex, you speak Spanish.
How do you say, "How you doing?"
70
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,473
Yo tengo herpes.
71
00:04:23,146 --> 00:04:25,205
Yo tengo herpes. Got it.
72
00:04:26,983 --> 00:04:29,975
Hey, guys, listen, I'm sorry.
I forgot I have plans tonight.
73
00:04:30,153 --> 00:04:32,280
But I wanted to drop off this map
of Tijuana...
74
00:04:32,455 --> 00:04:34,719
...with some of my favorite
entertainment venues.
75
00:04:34,891 --> 00:04:37,792
Like, right here, this is a great
family-owned restaurant...
76
00:04:37,961 --> 00:04:41,260
...where they hand-make
the most delicious tamales.
77
00:04:41,431 --> 00:04:43,524
It's also a whorehouse.
78
00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:45,261
Have fun.
79
00:04:45,435 --> 00:04:47,403
Michael, I wanna make sure
you have money.
80
00:04:47,570 --> 00:04:49,697
You want me to bring back
Mexican diet pills.
81
00:04:49,872 --> 00:04:52,807
Yeah, the big yellow ones.
They make me feel crazy.
82
00:04:54,477 --> 00:04:58,277
You know, I'm one of the investors
in this new club, Axis.
83
00:04:58,448 --> 00:05:01,884
We're having a party and I thought
you'd like to bring that body of yours.
84
00:05:02,051 --> 00:05:06,488
Oh, God. I'm sorry, but why
are you always hitting on me?
85
00:05:06,656 --> 00:05:08,988
And why do you think I would like that?
86
00:05:09,692 --> 00:05:12,354
I'm Dean. I'm awesome.
87
00:05:13,463 --> 00:05:14,657
How old are you?
88
00:05:14,831 --> 00:05:17,197
I'm 51. How much do you weigh?
89
00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:21,269
Hey, you asked me a personal question.
What are you, like a buck-15?
90
00:05:21,437 --> 00:05:22,870
That is none of your business.
91
00:05:23,039 --> 00:05:27,533
And I will have you know that after a bout
with the flu last week I was 108.
92
00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:30,311
Guys like you make me sick.
93
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,675
Oh, really? What kind of guy am I?
94
00:05:32,849 --> 00:05:36,842
You're the kind that thinks that never
growing up is cute instead of just pathetic.
95
00:05:37,020 --> 00:05:39,352
You're the kind who thinks
every guy around him...
96
00:05:39,522 --> 00:05:42,582
...has to act like a childish jackass
so you can make yourself...
97
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:46,627
...feel better about your own selfish,
pointless, ridi...
98
00:05:46,796 --> 00:05:49,526
Oh, my God. What are you doing?
99
00:05:49,699 --> 00:05:53,760
I don't know. That's the way I usually deal
with pretty girls who got the yaps.
100
00:05:54,704 --> 00:05:58,367
- Unbelievable.
- Wait, wait, look, look.
101
00:05:59,509 --> 00:06:02,637
You're just this beautiful young woman.
You should be out there...
102
00:06:02,812 --> 00:06:05,610
...breaking hearts, acting crazy,
having fun.
103
00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:08,546
Instead of being so uptight...
104
00:06:08,718 --> 00:06:11,118
...and attacking me and Joey
for living a little.
105
00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:14,620
I have fun.
106
00:06:15,425 --> 00:06:17,950
I power walk.
107
00:06:18,361 --> 00:06:21,888
I'm just saying, you're so sure
you're right and we're pathetic.
108
00:06:22,065 --> 00:06:25,296
But maybe, maybe,
it's the other way around.
109
00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:28,062
Well, maybe, maybe...
110
00:06:28,504 --> 00:06:30,301
...you're a jerk.
111
00:06:35,178 --> 00:06:38,614
I got a better comeback for...
Okay, he left. That's good.
112
00:06:47,557 --> 00:06:48,581
Yeah.
113
00:06:48,758 --> 00:06:50,089
That place was interesting.
114
00:06:50,259 --> 00:06:53,854
That was the first strip club I've been to
where you had to pay to get out.
115
00:06:54,030 --> 00:06:57,295
Here's an idea.
Why don't you two just shut up?
116
00:06:57,867 --> 00:06:59,095
What is wrong with you?
117
00:06:59,268 --> 00:07:01,862
Oh, when I first start drinking,
I get belligerent.
118
00:07:02,038 --> 00:07:05,599
But around my seventh drink, it's all
"I love you, man" and bear hugs.
119
00:07:05,775 --> 00:07:09,267
Then I black out, enter what I like to call
The Mystery Zone.
120
00:07:09,445 --> 00:07:10,605
The Mystery Zone.
121
00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:15,945
Very dangerous place, Michael, filled
with ugly women and delicious hot dogs.
122
00:07:16,119 --> 00:07:17,518
Come on, guys, I need a drink.
123
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,848
- Okay.
- Must be brave.
124
00:07:20,389 --> 00:07:21,754
Three drinks.
125
00:07:21,924 --> 00:07:24,154
Yeah. Isn't this great, Michael?
126
00:07:24,327 --> 00:07:27,194
- Look at all these girls, huh?
- Yeah.
127
00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:31,231
- I really shouldn't drink because if I...
- In you go.
128
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,368
- Okay.
- All right. Hey, hey.
129
00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:35,800
Nice. There's your first victim.
Go hit on her.
130
00:07:35,972 --> 00:07:38,304
Look, Joe, I'm never gonna pick up a girl
at a bar.
131
00:07:38,474 --> 00:07:40,203
You know, I was better off with Abby.
132
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:43,573
The only reason you're thinking about Abby
is because you're afraid.
133
00:07:43,746 --> 00:07:47,648
You know what you should be afraid of?
Committing to someone too soon.
134
00:07:47,817 --> 00:07:51,412
Next thing you know, you're on
a one-way train to Marriageville, huh?
135
00:07:51,587 --> 00:07:54,784
And the train is dropping off
so many miserable husbands and wives...
136
00:07:54,957 --> 00:07:58,017
...before you know it,
there's so many people in Marriageville...
137
00:07:58,194 --> 00:08:00,219
...they have to build an airport.
138
00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:05,993
Then no one's taking the train anymore
and the train station becomes defunct.
139
00:08:06,169 --> 00:08:08,729
What the hell is in this?
140
00:08:09,105 --> 00:08:11,972
You know what?
Okay, I'm gonna try it just once...
141
00:08:12,141 --> 00:08:15,508
...just to shut you guys up, okay?
- Go do it, go guy.
142
00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:26,249
Hi. Hey, I'm Michael.
143
00:08:26,422 --> 00:08:28,686
- Elisa.
- Elisa.
144
00:08:28,858 --> 00:08:30,553
You're very pretty.
145
00:08:30,726 --> 00:08:33,854
Yeah, your body looks just like my mom's.
146
00:08:34,630 --> 00:08:38,293
Wait, that's a compliment.
Because my mom has an amazing body.
147
00:08:39,068 --> 00:08:42,629
Looks like he's doing well. I think
he just said something about her body.
148
00:08:42,805 --> 00:08:45,740
This one time I saw her from behind,
I didn't know it was her...
149
00:08:45,908 --> 00:08:48,103
...I had some thoughts.
150
00:08:48,644 --> 00:08:52,045
But that's for me and Dr. Porter
to work out so:
151
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:55,641
What am I talking about?
Why haven't you stopped me yet?
152
00:08:57,353 --> 00:08:59,218
You don't speak English?
153
00:08:59,388 --> 00:09:01,481
She doesn't speak English.
154
00:09:01,657 --> 00:09:03,352
She doesn't speak English.
155
00:09:03,526 --> 00:09:06,154
Michael might actually have a chance.
156
00:09:06,429 --> 00:09:10,195
There'll be no flights into Marriageville
this evening due to heavy weather.
157
00:09:10,366 --> 00:09:14,063
Please be patient, you will receive
a meal voucher. I love this stuff.
158
00:09:20,443 --> 00:09:22,673
Hey, you know Joey's neighbor Dean...
159
00:09:22,845 --> 00:09:25,541
...and his whole lame, oversexed
Peter Pan act?
160
00:09:25,715 --> 00:09:29,617
This afternoon, he had the nerve to tell me
that I'm the one with the problem.
161
00:09:29,785 --> 00:09:33,812
That I don't know how to have fun.
I mean, that's crazy.
162
00:09:34,257 --> 00:09:38,125
Would someone who doesn't know
how to have fun be able to do this?
163
00:09:43,432 --> 00:09:44,558
Dean may have a point.
164
00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:46,224
Oh, God.
165
00:09:46,535 --> 00:09:48,628
I know. He's right.
166
00:09:48,804 --> 00:09:50,965
I don't know what happened to me.
167
00:09:51,140 --> 00:09:55,201
I used to be fun in college.
I used to go out every night, partying.
168
00:09:55,378 --> 00:09:59,815
I was in a less-successful precursor
to Girls Gone Wild.
169
00:09:59,982 --> 00:10:02,348
What's stopping you now?
You're a sexy, single gal.
170
00:10:02,518 --> 00:10:04,748
You should be out having fun,
meeting guys.
171
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:07,616
Yeah, I guess it's just because
I'm so hung up on Joey.
172
00:10:07,790 --> 00:10:09,849
Oh, enough of that.
173
00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:13,689
Come on. They get to go off to Tijuana,
we are going out tonight.
174
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,353
And I know what we're gonna do.
175
00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:18,329
Have you ever wrestled
another woman for prizes?
176
00:10:18,968 --> 00:10:23,871
Okay, I do want to go out tonight.
And that sounds neat.
177
00:10:24,373 --> 00:10:27,171
- But Dean mentioned a party, so...
- Okay, we'll go there then.
178
00:10:27,343 --> 00:10:30,938
And we are going nuts tonight.
It's gonna be better than any Tijuana trip.
179
00:10:31,113 --> 00:10:34,344
Yeah, those guys are probably
just sitting around the hotel right now.
180
00:10:34,517 --> 00:10:36,314
Joey, Joey, Joey!
181
00:10:36,485 --> 00:10:40,182
Joey, Joey, Joey!
182
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,017
Joey, Joey, Joey!
183
00:10:43,192 --> 00:10:45,319
Joey!
184
00:10:50,866 --> 00:10:52,857
Yeah!
185
00:11:03,179 --> 00:11:05,010
- Hey, Alex.
- Hey.
186
00:11:05,181 --> 00:11:06,910
I'm really glad you came.
187
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:09,142
You look amazing.
188
00:11:09,318 --> 00:11:11,286
Drop by my table later.
189
00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:13,053
I think he's into you.
190
00:11:13,222 --> 00:11:15,850
That guy doesn't know how
to be into someone. He's a pig.
191
00:11:16,025 --> 00:11:18,152
All I know is he didn't even look at me.
192
00:11:18,327 --> 00:11:20,989
- Nice.
- Thank you.
193
00:11:21,497 --> 00:11:24,057
Okay, so should we find a place to sit
and people watch?
194
00:11:24,233 --> 00:11:26,667
What? I thought you were gonna
cut loose tonight.
195
00:11:26,836 --> 00:11:28,360
Oh, yeah.
196
00:11:28,537 --> 00:11:30,437
What would college Alex do right now?
197
00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:32,130
Champagne?
198
00:11:32,842 --> 00:11:36,778
Actually, I think I'll take a beer...
from your six-pack.
199
00:11:40,216 --> 00:11:41,843
And recycle that.
200
00:11:42,017 --> 00:11:43,848
Now dance for me, you dirty whore.
201
00:11:44,019 --> 00:11:45,543
Yeah.
202
00:11:47,656 --> 00:11:48,680
Was that too far?
203
00:11:48,858 --> 00:11:51,292
- No.
- Okay.
204
00:11:57,266 --> 00:11:59,166
Joey, wake up. Joey, Joey.
205
00:11:59,335 --> 00:12:02,031
Hands off me, I'm an American.
206
00:12:02,605 --> 00:12:05,472
Oh, it's you.
207
00:12:05,875 --> 00:12:08,139
Are we still in Mexico?
I don't remember a thing.
208
00:12:08,577 --> 00:12:12,411
Well, well, well. Good morning.
209
00:12:13,282 --> 00:12:15,716
Whoa, hey, what's the matter with you?
210
00:12:15,885 --> 00:12:18,581
I don't get hangovers.
It's my most irritating quality.
211
00:12:18,754 --> 00:12:21,985
Who's in the mood
for scrambled egg and fish?
212
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:24,820
No, no, Zach, please.
213
00:12:25,261 --> 00:12:26,888
- Did you have a good time?
- Yes.
214
00:12:27,062 --> 00:12:29,860
I don't remember very much
but Elisa's in my bed right now.
215
00:12:30,032 --> 00:12:34,025
And you know what? In the light of day,
she's still cute. Yeah.
216
00:12:37,206 --> 00:12:38,969
Different.
217
00:12:42,745 --> 00:12:45,942
You know, I don't remember a thing
after we left that bar last night.
218
00:12:46,115 --> 00:12:48,083
I know.
219
00:12:49,452 --> 00:12:51,079
What is this?
220
00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:56,013
"Our... " something. I don't know.
Why would we have made a videotape?
221
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,155
Hey, what does that mean?
222
00:13:07,570 --> 00:13:08,594
Yeah.
223
00:13:08,771 --> 00:13:11,331
I think it means "our wedding. "
224
00:13:11,507 --> 00:13:13,771
Oh, my God. You got married?
225
00:13:13,943 --> 00:13:16,503
- How could you let this happen to me?
- Don't blame us.
226
00:13:16,679 --> 00:13:20,308
You did this on your own.
If I had been there, I would never have let...
227
00:13:25,020 --> 00:13:27,614
Well, whoever that is,
he's very handsome.
228
00:13:27,790 --> 00:13:31,521
This is how you show me how great
single life can be? You get me married?
229
00:13:31,694 --> 00:13:33,719
Yeah.
230
00:13:33,996 --> 00:13:35,657
Why am I going up to the altar?
231
00:13:35,831 --> 00:13:37,924
And what is Zach doing?
232
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:47,042
This is a weird party.
233
00:13:56,051 --> 00:13:59,316
Wait, he said "Zach. "
What does "Zach" mean in Spanish?
234
00:13:59,488 --> 00:14:02,889
You know, I'm starting to think,
I'm not the one who got married.
235
00:14:13,903 --> 00:14:16,895
Alex is a lawyer. We'll talk to her
about how to get out of this.
236
00:14:17,072 --> 00:14:20,667
Until then, no one has to hear
about this stupid marriage.
237
00:14:20,843 --> 00:14:24,142
Wait, wait, wait. Aren't you gonna
carry Zach over the threshold?
238
00:14:28,183 --> 00:14:29,980
Hey, how are you?
239
00:14:30,152 --> 00:14:32,848
So, Michael, did you enjoy
the single life in Mexico?
240
00:14:33,022 --> 00:14:36,617
Well, Alex, yes, I did.
I did enjoy the single life in Mexico.
241
00:14:37,526 --> 00:14:38,925
Mom, here are your diet pills.
242
00:14:39,929 --> 00:14:42,921
Full of FDA-unapproved goodness.
243
00:14:44,833 --> 00:14:48,166
Alex, we need your help. You know
any lawyers familiar with Mexican law?
244
00:14:48,337 --> 00:14:51,397
Well, my law firm does a lot of work
with Mexico and Latin America.
245
00:14:51,574 --> 00:14:53,337
What did you guys do down there?
246
00:14:53,509 --> 00:14:55,670
- Okay, last night we got drunk.
- Really drunk.
247
00:14:55,844 --> 00:14:58,039
Yeah. And woke up this morning
and found out...
248
00:14:58,213 --> 00:15:00,511
...Zach and I got married to each other.
249
00:15:00,683 --> 00:15:02,674
You did what?
250
00:15:03,786 --> 00:15:05,048
How did you even hear that?
251
00:15:05,220 --> 00:15:08,712
What do you think Grandma will notice
first? That he's a dude or he's black?
252
00:15:09,458 --> 00:15:12,018
You think my family's gonna be happy
I married a actor?
253
00:15:12,194 --> 00:15:14,685
Okay, no one's telling anybody's families.
254
00:15:14,863 --> 00:15:18,697
This is what they gave us. Can you see if
there's a way you can make this go away?
255
00:15:18,867 --> 00:15:21,802
It's in Spanish. We couldn't find the chapel
in the morning.
256
00:15:21,971 --> 00:15:24,405
- Okay, I'll look into it.
- Okay, thanks.
257
00:15:24,573 --> 00:15:26,507
Don't... Don't.
258
00:15:27,142 --> 00:15:29,167
Hey, look, Joe. Joe, hey.
259
00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:32,974
I know last night didn't turn out great
for you but it was awesome for me.
260
00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:35,005
Yeah? Well...
261
00:15:35,651 --> 00:15:36,913
...good. I'm glad.
- Yeah.
262
00:15:37,086 --> 00:15:40,578
When it comes to a big commitment,
I'm gonna wait until I have something...
263
00:15:40,756 --> 00:15:43,554
...as special as what you and Zach have.
264
00:15:44,893 --> 00:15:49,057
All right, I'm not taking any crap from a guy
who was talking about his mother's body.
265
00:15:49,231 --> 00:15:51,495
- He was?
- Okay, you know what? No, no, no.
266
00:15:51,667 --> 00:15:55,763
We're not talking about this anymore
until Zach and I are no longer married.
267
00:15:55,938 --> 00:15:57,530
Married?
268
00:15:58,207 --> 00:15:59,868
Joey, you're...
269
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:01,737
- Well, whatever makes you happy.
- No.
270
00:16:01,910 --> 00:16:04,242
- Howard...
- No, no. And you know what?
271
00:16:04,413 --> 00:16:07,814
If my hero Joey's gay, then so am I.
272
00:16:07,983 --> 00:16:11,077
Look out, boys. All right!
273
00:16:17,493 --> 00:16:18,653
Hey.
274
00:16:18,827 --> 00:16:20,419
Hey, what's going on?
275
00:16:20,596 --> 00:16:22,621
I checked. Joey's marriage
is meaningless.
276
00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:24,425
There is no gay marriage in Mexico.
277
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:29,594
And besides, Joey signed this document,
"Sombrero Pete, Lord of the Bullwhips. "
278
00:16:30,472 --> 00:16:34,067
- Joey's gonna be relieved.
- Yeah, but not quite yet.
279
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,302
First, we're gonna have a little fun.
280
00:16:36,478 --> 00:16:40,938
- I like the fun Alex.
- Yeah, just follow my lead.
281
00:16:41,617 --> 00:16:45,610
Hey. This wedding ring is the best thing
that has ever happened to my sex life.
282
00:16:45,788 --> 00:16:49,349
I don't know who got more
girls' phone numbers, me or my wife.
283
00:16:49,558 --> 00:16:52,789
Alex, did you do some research?
Did you figure a way out of this mess?
284
00:16:52,961 --> 00:16:55,794
I did make some calls.
I think you guys better sit down.
285
00:16:55,964 --> 00:16:57,295
What? What's going on?
286
00:16:57,466 --> 00:17:01,129
Apparently this document is rock-solid.
287
00:17:01,303 --> 00:17:02,327
You guys are married.
288
00:17:02,504 --> 00:17:03,664
- What?
- No.
289
00:17:03,839 --> 00:17:06,501
We have to file a request
with the Mexican government.
290
00:17:06,675 --> 00:17:11,078
They require that you videotape
the proceedings. Gina, let's begin.
291
00:17:12,581 --> 00:17:17,143
Commencing video request for dissolution
of gay marriage in the country of Mexico.
292
00:17:24,626 --> 00:17:28,426
Let the record show that the petitioners
have wished the president a good morning.
293
00:17:28,597 --> 00:17:31,430
They are Joseph and Zach Tribbiani.
294
00:17:31,767 --> 00:17:35,168
Actually, I've chosen to hyphenate
my last name.
295
00:17:35,904 --> 00:17:37,303
Did you?
296
00:17:38,006 --> 00:17:40,702
There you go, belittling me
in front of your friends again.
297
00:17:40,876 --> 00:17:43,811
Does it make you feel like a big man?
298
00:17:45,514 --> 00:17:46,947
Can we talk about this later?
299
00:17:47,116 --> 00:17:49,277
When? After you've had drinks
and passed out?
300
00:17:49,451 --> 00:17:54,013
Maybe I wouldn't drink so much if I didn't
have to come home every day to this.
301
00:17:55,591 --> 00:17:57,786
What are we talking about?
302
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:01,760
Now under Mexican law,
the only grounds for a male-male divorce...
303
00:18:01,930 --> 00:18:04,831
...is irreconcilable sexual differences.
304
00:18:05,267 --> 00:18:08,065
- What does that mean?
- It means you would have to describe...
305
00:18:08,237 --> 00:18:10,364
...in detail, the point during lovemaking...
306
00:18:10,539 --> 00:18:14,031
...where your lover became inadequate
or disappointing.
307
00:18:16,545 --> 00:18:18,706
What? This is crazy.
308
00:18:18,881 --> 00:18:22,408
Well, I'm sorry, but if you wanna get
a divorce, you have no choice.
309
00:18:23,719 --> 00:18:26,483
Sometimes when he holds me,
it's like he's not really there.
310
00:18:26,655 --> 00:18:29,681
What the hell is wrong with you?
311
00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:33,658
Joey, now it's your turn.
What is your sexual problem with Zach?
312
00:18:34,229 --> 00:18:35,355
I don't have one.
313
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:39,433
- Zach satisfies Joey completely.
- No. Don't write that.
314
00:18:39,601 --> 00:18:43,901
Now the next thing we need
is el beso final. The kiss goodbye.
315
00:18:44,072 --> 00:18:46,336
- What?
- What? No, I can't. I'm not doing that.
316
00:18:46,508 --> 00:18:49,136
If you guys want to get divorced:
317
00:18:49,311 --> 00:18:50,608
- No, I can't.
- Hell, no.
318
00:18:50,779 --> 00:18:54,772
Look, Mr. El Presidente, please,
no el beso final, okay?
319
00:18:54,950 --> 00:18:57,111
Look, you're a worldly man.
320
00:18:57,286 --> 00:19:02,280
You understand what it's like to get
fall-down drunk and marry a dude, right?
321
00:19:02,457 --> 00:19:05,824
What's so funny?
Why are you guys laughing?
322
00:19:06,261 --> 00:19:08,627
Oh, my God. You're messing with us.
323
00:19:08,797 --> 00:19:10,287
Yes, I am.
324
00:19:10,465 --> 00:19:12,626
Not cool, Alex. Not cool.
325
00:19:12,801 --> 00:19:15,395
Yeah, you tell them, baby.
326
00:19:15,938 --> 00:19:17,963
We're done with that.
327
00:19:18,140 --> 00:19:22,804
Look, I don't mind a harmless prank,
but wasting el presidente's time?
328
00:19:23,645 --> 00:19:26,944
Look, Joey, I went to one of those bars...
329
00:19:27,115 --> 00:19:32,348
...and I tried, I really tried,
but I can't gay.
330
00:19:32,821 --> 00:19:37,281
- I'm sorry I let you down.
- Howard, I was never gay.
331
00:19:39,494 --> 00:19:42,327
I really wish I'd known that six hours ago.
332
00:19:52,007 --> 00:19:53,304
- Hey.
- Hey.
333
00:19:53,809 --> 00:19:56,471
- Are you still mad at me?
- No, no, I'm okay.
334
00:19:56,645 --> 00:19:59,409
Because I'm gonna get you back
when you least expect it.
335
00:19:59,581 --> 00:20:04,450
Oh, by the way, I have this peanut brittle.
Would you like some? It is delicious.
336
00:20:06,255 --> 00:20:08,621
- I think I'll have it later.
- Yeah, later.
337
00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:11,782
When you least expect it.
338
00:20:13,729 --> 00:20:17,790
What, you're leaving? No beso final?
339
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:21,197
I gotta hand it to you. You really
got me before. That was a good one.
340
00:20:21,370 --> 00:20:24,396
Well, there's more where that came from.
341
00:20:24,573 --> 00:20:26,666
What has gotten into you?
342
00:20:26,875 --> 00:20:30,367
Well, I decided to make a change.
343
00:20:30,545 --> 00:20:33,605
I think I need to have a little bit more fun.
344
00:20:33,849 --> 00:20:35,282
What brought that on?
345
00:20:36,518 --> 00:20:39,976
No, no, no. Come on, tell me, what?
346
00:20:41,189 --> 00:20:44,556
Well, I've just been kind of hung up
on this guy.
347
00:20:44,726 --> 00:20:46,751
Really? Who?
348
00:20:47,195 --> 00:20:50,062
It doesn't matter.
The point is that I'm moving on.
349
00:20:50,232 --> 00:20:52,632
- Well, good. You should.
- Yeah, I'm going to.
350
00:20:52,801 --> 00:20:54,325
- Forget that guy.
- I already have.
351
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:55,527
Attagirl.
352
00:20:55,704 --> 00:20:58,639
In fact, last night I got numbers
from three different guys.
353
00:20:58,807 --> 00:21:02,743
Of course you did.
You're cool, you're smart, you're beautiful.
354
00:21:02,911 --> 00:21:05,505
Girl like you can have any guy you want.
355
00:21:06,815 --> 00:21:09,045
- You think so?
- I know so.
356
00:21:09,217 --> 00:21:13,813
And I'll tell you another thing. Whoever that
guy is, he doesn't know what he's missing.
357
00:21:19,928 --> 00:21:21,555
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
358
00:21:21,730 --> 00:21:22,856
What are you doing?
359
00:21:23,031 --> 00:21:26,865
This is how I deal with a guy
who's got the yaps.
29831
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