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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Oww ♪
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♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
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♪ Woo-hoo ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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Let's start the show.
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[waiter] What'll it be, guys?
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I'll have a scotch on the rocks.
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I'll have a Samuel Adams.
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I'll have a Samuel Jackson.
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You know something?
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I'll have a Samuel Jackson, too.
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Me three.
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[all laughing]
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[waiter] Three Samuel Jacksons coming right up.
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Good motherfuckin' choice, motherfucker.
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Samuel Jackson, made painstakingly by me,
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Samuel L. Jackson.
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It'll get you drunk!
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You'll be fuckin' fat girls in no time!
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You might even fight a nigga or two!
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Mmm-mmm, bitch!
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How's it taste, motherfucka'?
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Huh?
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Can you stop yelling at me, please?
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No, I can't stop yelling, 'cause that's how I talk!
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You ain't never seen my movies?
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Juice , that was a good one!
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Deep Blue Sea!
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They ate me, a fucking shark ate me!
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Drink, bitch!
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Jurassic Park!
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Samuel Jackson, it's my beer!
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"Yes, they deserved to die
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and I hope they burn in hell!"
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[man] Dave Chappelle... ! [Cheers & applause]
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Oh, that's right!
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That's right!
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That's right!
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Hey!
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That's right.
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What's up, y'all?
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Welcome back-- ohh.
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Come on, now, calm down.
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We don't have that much time.
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Thank you.
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Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
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you are seeing correctly, I am smoking on television.
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I am smoking indoors, you know why?
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Because I didn't vote for Bloomberg.
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Those of you across the nation who don't know who Bloomberg is,
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he is the mayor of this great city of New York.
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I'm fighting!
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Somebody's got to do it.
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You know, this Bloomberg guy has messed everything up!
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Cigarettes are $8 a pack!
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That's crack prices!
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People gonna be sucking dicks for cigarettes soon!
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It's ridiculous.
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And then once you buy a pack,
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you can't even smoke inside.
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I can't stand it anymore.
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I can't stand it, I'm fighting!
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[woman] Whoo!!
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That's right!
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It's in my blood.
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I have no choice but to fight, I'm a genetic dissenter.
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That's right, it's in my genes to dissent.
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I'll show you a tape of my history.
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Damn, Bloomberg is fucking up.
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Man, Carter is fucking up.
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Damn, Truman is fucking up.
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Man, Lincoln is fucking up.
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Son, white folks in general is fucking up.
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Shhh, they coming.
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Man, the chief's fucking up.
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Hey, y'all, look.
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It's a boat with some white people on it.
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Y'all wait here, I'm gonna see what they want.
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Man...
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I fucked up.
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Now, a lot of people say,
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"Dave, if everybody else is messing up so bad,
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what you think, you can do better?"
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Yes, I do.
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That's why I'm gonna run for mayor or something.
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That's right. [applause & cheering]
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Maybe governor or something else,
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you never know.
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I made a campaign ad, too,
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and I'll show it to you right now.
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This is my first campaign ad, it'll be on the air soon.
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Although America is the greatest nation in the world,
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we still face many modern problems.
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And modern problems require modern solutions.
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Health care is in shambles.
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Medicaid doesn't work, and the insurance industry
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has made medicine virtually unaffordable.
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Meanwhile, our neighbors in Canada
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have free health care for all their citizens.
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So what am I suggesting?
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Fake Canadian I.D. cards for all Americans.
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If you get sick,
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run on up to Canada and get yourself checked out.
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I'm Dave Chappelle,
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and I want to represent you.
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We're gonna take a quick commercial break.
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We'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.
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Don't go anywhere.
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Oww! ♪
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Although America is the greatest nation in the world,
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we still face many modern problems.
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And modern problems require modern solutions.
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Teen pregnancy is a huge problem in this country.
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Now, what we need are more programs in place
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that promote abstinence.
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My solution?
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Have every high school principal
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have sex with the oldest teacher in the school
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in front of the students.
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And make sure you rub them both with mayonnaise
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to accentuate the sound
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of their old flesh flapping together.
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This powerful image is sure to be a deterrent
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that the children will never forget.
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Goddamn, that's gross.
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I'm Dave Chappelle, and I want to represent you.
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You know, folks,
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since I've been doing this show
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a lot of rappers have been asking me to be in their videos.
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Which is nice,
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but they always want me to do dumb stuff.
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Like, I'll be like, "what I gotta do, snoop?"
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"Okay, here it is, Dave, it's a club scene
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and like, you was dancing and you slip on a banana peel
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and your face lands in some doo doo-- splat.
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Now, you rolling around, got dookie all over you.
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And then here I come with my gators on.
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My now and later gators step over ya.
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And all you see is me walking off in slow motion."
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It's like-hold up, nigga,
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why can't I be the one in slow motion?
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I'm tired of being the one in the doo-doo.
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Everything looks better in slow motion.
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This is the truth.
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For instance,
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here's a tape of me doing my laundry.
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Hey, how you doing, Mrs. Kim?
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Nothing funny about that.
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[Laughter]
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But why don't we see me do my laundry...
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In slow motion.
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[ Sadeness playing]
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[audience laughing & applauding]
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[audience laughing]
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[audience laughing & applauding]
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[audience laughing]
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[cheers & applause]
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Crazy.
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All right...
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I like it in videos, whenever you see a club scene
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club scene is always in slow motion.
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You know why?
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'Cause it's gotta be.
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'Cause it sucks to be in a club in regular life.
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Check it out, this is what it looks like
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to be at a club normally.
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Hey, come on, man!
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Excuse me, excuse me.
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The robot?
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You make me sick.
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[All gasping]
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Sorry about-- Oh!
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He's so corny!
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Terrible, terrible what they did to me.
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Why don't we take a look at that in slow motion, though.
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[techno music]
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[audience laughing]
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[audience laughing]
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[audience laughing & applauding]
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[Slow motion] I wanna suck your...
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[audience laughing]
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[All gasping]
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[heart beating in slow motion]
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[audience laughing]
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[audience laughing & applauding]
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[Slow motion] Me so horny...
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[man in audience] Yeah!
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[Cheers & applause]
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Much better.
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That was much better.
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Of course, we gotta remember
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this concept is not across the board.
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It doesn't work with everything, just most things.
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Some things look worse in slow motion.
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Like, for instance, here's a tape of me taking a shit.
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It happens.
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[Farts]
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[Dave] Oh, ho ho...
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Pretty disgusting.
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Let's see that same shit in slow motion.
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[Loud gurgle]
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[Explosion]
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[cheers & applause]
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People be mad about it, like, R. Kelly,
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I seen R. Kelly in a Chicago.
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He was mad at me.
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"There ain't no punch line to that,
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that thing is mad.
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How you gonna make a video about peeing on somebody?"
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Nigga, how you gonna make a video about peeing on somebody?
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And on that note,
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take a quick commercial break and we'll be right back
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for some more Chappelle's Show.
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Welcome back to Chappelle's Show.
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America's #1 source for offensive comedy.
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You know what's cool about being an American?
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We're all mixed up.
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I'm talking about genetically.
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We've all got a little something in us, right?
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And in some people, it's more than others.
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And that's when we get to arguing.
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For instance, my wife is Asian.
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I'm Black, and we argue...
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About which half of Tiger Woods is hitting the ball so good.
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Derek Jeter is another guy like that.
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Halle Berry is somebody else.
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We've gotta stop arguing about who was what.
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We need to just settle this once and for all,
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we need to have a draft.
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That's right, I said it.
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Good evening, and welcome to the first
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and maybe only racial draft here in New York City.
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Folks, this is for all the marbles.
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What happens here will state the racial standing
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of these Americans once and for all.
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That's right.
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And the crowd is here to support their races.
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Well, Rob, some of the biggest names in sports
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and in entertainment are on the line tonight.
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And I'm excited to see who's gonna be drafted by which race.
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Seated behind me on the stage there,
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are the various representatives.
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And, believe it or not
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the Blacks have actually won the first pick.
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Wow, that's the first lottery
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a Black person's won in a long time, Billy.
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Yes, and they'll probably still complain.
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[chuckling together]
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Man, fuck you.
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Well, the Black representative
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is heading for the microphone now,
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why don't we take a listen.
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We of the Black delegation...
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Choose Tiger Woods.
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[Cheering]
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[Rob] No surprises there, fellas.
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The richest and most dominant athlete in the world.
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His father Black, his mother Thai.
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Well, that doesn't matter anymore
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because now he is officially Black.
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Dave, the Asians have got to be upset.
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[Dave] There's no question about that, Rob.
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But you gotta think about it.
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He's been discriminated against in his time,
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he's had death threats, and he dates a white woman.
270
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:33,970
Sounds like a Black guy to me.
271
00:14:34,033 --> 00:14:35,833
Tiger's taking the stage now,
272
00:14:35,900 --> 00:14:38,430
and if you ask me, he's looking Blacker already.
273
00:14:38,500 --> 00:14:40,600
Ah, I'd like to say,
274
00:14:40,666 --> 00:14:44,096
a tremendous opportunity for me.
275
00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:47,296
To finally be part of a race and have a home.
276
00:14:48,666 --> 00:14:52,296
I've been so confused if I'm half Asian,
277
00:14:52,366 --> 00:14:53,596
so many things.
278
00:14:56,933 --> 00:14:59,533
So long, fried rice, hello fried chicken.
279
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:00,930
I love you guys!
280
00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:03,903
[Cheers & applause]
281
00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:11,500
Ah, I always wanted to say this...
282
00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:13,530
For shizzle.
283
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:16,570
Ha ha.
284
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,470
Well, it seems as though
285
00:15:21,533 --> 00:15:23,173
Tiger Woods is happy to be Black
286
00:15:23,233 --> 00:15:24,873
and that's a good thing
287
00:15:24,933 --> 00:15:26,333
because I just received word
288
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,130
that he lost all his endorsements.
289
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:29,500
Ooh, that's a tough one.
290
00:15:29,566 --> 00:15:33,796
Oh, Amex, Tag Heuer, Wheaties the whole shebang-a-bang.
291
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:36,196
Tough break, nigga, there's always FUBU.
292
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:40,800
All right, coming up now are the Jews.
293
00:15:40,866 --> 00:15:42,796
Many have speculated about their pick.
294
00:15:42,866 --> 00:15:44,566
But I'm guessing they're gonna pick Madonna
295
00:15:44,633 --> 00:15:47,133
and finish off the job Kabbalah started.
296
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,670
Yes, well, Rob, she was born and raised Catholic
297
00:15:49,733 --> 00:15:51,103
then she became a whore,
298
00:15:51,166 --> 00:15:53,726
but over the last decade she has studied the Kabbalah.
299
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,770
And she even wrote a Kabbalah children's book.
300
00:15:56,833 --> 00:15:58,103
[Dave] Oh, here come the Jews.
301
00:15:58,166 --> 00:15:59,866
Why don't we take a look downstairs.
302
00:16:01,833 --> 00:16:06,273
Today, we, the Jewish people take...
303
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:07,533
Lenny Kravitz.
304
00:16:09,866 --> 00:16:11,326
Wow, in a surprise move
305
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,330
the Jews pick Lenny Kravitz, folks.
306
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,370
He's actually half-Black and half-Jewish.
307
00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:18,103
His mother was on "the Jeffersons",
308
00:16:18,166 --> 00:16:20,526
a pivotal show in Black culture.
309
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,800
And his father, a Jew, was her lawyer.
310
00:16:23,866 --> 00:16:25,596
Heh, couldn't make that up.
311
00:16:25,666 --> 00:16:28,766
Well, Lenny is all Jewish now.
312
00:16:28,833 --> 00:16:31,403
Unfortunately, Lenny can't make it here to accept.
313
00:16:31,466 --> 00:16:33,266
He's in Miami beach.
314
00:16:33,333 --> 00:16:34,703
Miami beach?
315
00:16:34,766 --> 00:16:37,066
Well, he must have gotten that news about being Jewish early.
316
00:16:37,133 --> 00:16:38,603
Ha ha ha...
317
00:16:38,666 --> 00:16:40,326
[Dave] All right, the Latins are up now.
318
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,970
Why don't we all take an Escucha to their pick.
319
00:16:43,033 --> 00:16:46,303
We, the Latinos, choose...
320
00:16:47,733 --> 00:16:49,833
Elian Gonzalez.
321
00:16:52,433 --> 00:16:53,803
I don't understand that one.
322
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,830
We wanted to do this before the white people
323
00:16:56,900 --> 00:16:59,270
try to adopt him as one of their own...
324
00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:00,273
Again.
325
00:17:00,333 --> 00:17:03,173
[Loud cheering]
326
00:17:03,233 --> 00:17:04,573
Okay...
327
00:17:04,633 --> 00:17:06,133
Guess who's turn it is?
328
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,130
White people.
329
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,170
Let's see what direction they go in.
330
00:17:09,233 --> 00:17:10,673
Halle Berry is still available,
331
00:17:10,733 --> 00:17:13,073
as is Mariah Carey's crazy ass.
332
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:15,233
[Coughing] Cracker...
333
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:17,270
That's very mature, Rondell.
334
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,500
Thank you all, good afternoon. [Booing]
335
00:17:21,566 --> 00:17:22,396
Excuse me.
336
00:17:22,466 --> 00:17:24,326
[Clears throat] Pardon me.
337
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,900
Hey, will you cut the malarkey? Okay, I'm talking.
338
00:17:26,966 --> 00:17:29,026
There's a white man talking up here!
339
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:31,370
Silencio ! [Booing continues]
340
00:17:31,433 --> 00:17:32,533
Ungowa!
341
00:17:33,766 --> 00:17:35,226
Thank you-- Damn it.
342
00:17:36,133 --> 00:17:37,303
We, the white delegation,
343
00:17:37,366 --> 00:17:41,196
are very proud to announce our pick this year,
344
00:17:41,266 --> 00:17:42,296
Colin Powell!
345
00:17:43,033 --> 00:17:44,373
What?
346
00:17:44,433 --> 00:17:46,373
Colin Powell is not white.
347
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,333
He's not even an Eighth White.
348
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,700
He's 100% Black.
349
00:17:51,366 --> 00:17:52,296
Last I heard.
350
00:17:52,366 --> 00:17:53,496
Wow, I gotta wonder how the Blacks
351
00:17:53,566 --> 00:17:55,026
are gonna be taking this one.
352
00:17:57,433 --> 00:17:59,573
We, the Black delegation,
353
00:17:59,633 --> 00:18:04,233
accept the white delegation's offer to draft Colin Powell,
354
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:07,530
on the condition that they also accept Condoleezza Rice
355
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,230
as a part of the deal.
356
00:18:14,433 --> 00:18:18,573
By the power invested in me, by white people everywhere
357
00:18:18,633 --> 00:18:21,103
We accept. You got yourself a goddamn deal.
358
00:18:21,166 --> 00:18:23,526
[Cheering]
359
00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:28,466
The Black delegation requests Eminem.
360
00:18:28,533 --> 00:18:30,973
Wait a goddamn minute, Rondell, that's not part of the bargain.
361
00:18:31,033 --> 00:18:32,003
I'm hustling, baby.
362
00:18:32,066 --> 00:18:34,466
All right, well, no hustling me.
363
00:18:34,533 --> 00:18:35,703
You're talking to the ultimate hustler.
364
00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:37,296
I tell you what.
365
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,796
Let's make all things fair, we keep Eminem...
366
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,000
You get O. J. Simpson.
367
00:18:42,066 --> 00:18:42,866
Yeah!
368
00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:46,903
[Dave] Incredible!
369
00:18:46,966 --> 00:18:49,826
A first round absolutely chock full of surprises.
370
00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:52,570
Unbelievable, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice
371
00:18:52,633 --> 00:18:54,173
now officially white.
372
00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:56,233
O. J. Black again.
373
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:58,130
What a day.
374
00:18:58,200 --> 00:18:59,970
You know, if white people knew
375
00:19:00,033 --> 00:19:02,373
they were gonna get away with picking a Black person,
376
00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:04,373
I bet they would have picked Oprah.
377
00:19:04,433 --> 00:19:05,873
Oh, well, absolutely, Rob.
378
00:19:05,933 --> 00:19:07,603
Thick thighs, no felonies,
379
00:19:07,666 --> 00:19:09,226
she definitely would have been a great pickup.
380
00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:12,230
Okay, the Chinese delegation is up next.
381
00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:13,470
Although they're the last,
382
00:19:13,533 --> 00:19:16,233
they've been waiting with zen-like patience.
383
00:19:16,300 --> 00:19:18,130
My guess is Yao Ming.
384
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,000
He's been spending a lot of time with Blacks
385
00:19:20,066 --> 00:19:21,926
learning slang and shit-talking.
386
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,730
If they're not careful, they might lose him.
387
00:19:24,933 --> 00:19:28,033
The Asian delegation chooses...
388
00:19:28,833 --> 00:19:31,633
The RZA, the GZA, U-God
389
00:19:31,700 --> 00:19:33,970
Inspectah Deck, Ghostface Killah,
390
00:19:34,033 --> 00:19:36,873
the Wu-Tang Clan!
391
00:19:36,933 --> 00:19:39,273
[announcer] Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
392
00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:42,133
But I have just heard it with my own two ears.
393
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,270
This is, by far, the biggest upset of the night.
394
00:19:45,333 --> 00:19:48,003
The Chinese delegation pulling a fast one
395
00:19:48,066 --> 00:19:51,096
and choosing the entire Wu-Tang Clan.
396
00:19:51,166 --> 00:19:52,466
Brooklyn!
397
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,070
This is big boss, Yorkers.
398
00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:57,533
We always been a fan of the kung fu
399
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:58,870
and the Chinese culture, and shit.
400
00:19:58,933 --> 00:20:00,503
So, yo, it's like bong-bong, you know.
401
00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:02,126
Yeah, I wanna remind everybody
402
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,230
to, um, diversify your bonds.
403
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:06,300
RZA got an announcement to make.
404
00:20:06,366 --> 00:20:10,366
Oh, yeah, Ol' Dirty has now changed his name
405
00:20:10,433 --> 00:20:11,903
from "Dirt McGirt",
406
00:20:11,966 --> 00:20:14,466
to "The Old Dirty Chinese restaurant".
407
00:20:14,533 --> 00:20:19,503
[Chanting] Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang..
408
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,030
Konichiwa, bitches.
409
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:27,100
Folks, thanks for joining us on this incredible night.
410
00:20:27,166 --> 00:20:28,326
Our coverage ends here,
411
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,870
but be sure to catch the rest on our website.
412
00:20:30,933 --> 00:20:33,503
Congratulations to all the races.
413
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,396
And Konichiwa bitches.
414
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,570
We're gonna take a quick commercial break.
415
00:20:41,633 --> 00:20:42,803
But don't go nowhere,
416
00:20:42,866 --> 00:20:45,096
we'll be right back with more Chappelle Show.
417
00:20:45,166 --> 00:20:45,996
Okay!
418
00:20:48,466 --> 00:20:50,066
I'd like to thank each and every one of you
419
00:20:50,133 --> 00:20:51,503
for being here tonight,
420
00:20:51,566 --> 00:20:53,696
and I'd like to thank everybody at home for watching.
421
00:20:53,766 --> 00:20:55,326
And hopefully I'll see you next week.
422
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,770
I'm out.
423
00:20:56,833 --> 00:20:59,133
[Cheers & applause]
424
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,070
[Chappelle] I'm rich, biatch!
425
00:21:01,133 --> 00:21:01,973
[Horn honks]
426
00:21:02,033 --> 00:21:03,073
Hi, thank you.
427
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:06,100
How's it taste, motherfucker?
428
00:21:06,166 --> 00:21:06,966
Huh?
429
00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:08,403
Will you stop yelling at me?
430
00:21:08,466 --> 00:21:10,526
No I can't stop yelling at you!
431
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,600
This is my acting style!
432
00:21:12,666 --> 00:21:14,926
You haven't seen my movies?
433
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,570
Jackie Brown !
434
00:21:16,633 --> 00:21:18,333
Star Wars !
435
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:21,270
The one where I say, "yes, they deserve to die
436
00:21:21,333 --> 00:21:23,603
and I hope they burn in hell!"
437
00:21:24,666 --> 00:21:26,396
I was in that, too!
438
00:21:26,466 --> 00:21:29,826
I was in Juice , with Tupac Shakur!
439
00:21:31,300 --> 00:21:33,170
Juice , nigga!
440
00:21:33,220 --> 00:21:37,770
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