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00:00:02,042 --> 00:00:04,082
♪ Chappelle's ShowChappelle's Show ♪
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00:00:04,167 --> 00:00:05,127
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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00:00:05,208 --> 00:00:06,458
♪ Chappelle's ShowChappelle's Show ♪
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00:00:06,542 --> 00:00:07,752
♪ Oww ♪
5
00:00:09,042 --> 00:00:11,082
♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
6
00:00:11,167 --> 00:00:12,167
♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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Let's start the show.
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[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
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00:00:23,083 --> 00:00:24,633
Hey, hey!
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Clippity-clappity,
clappity-clap!
12
00:00:31,208 --> 00:00:32,578
I've gotta tell you guys,
13
00:00:32,667 --> 00:00:36,827
when I'm not doing this show,
I play a lot of video games.
14
00:00:36,917 --> 00:00:38,707
I don't know if you guys
are into them a lot,
15
00:00:38,792 --> 00:00:42,132
but I love video games,
anytime, all the time.
16
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:43,668
I make love to my wife:
"Get off me."
17
00:00:43,750 --> 00:00:45,710
Turn on PlayStation.
18
00:00:46,583 --> 00:00:48,043
I just want points, man.
19
00:00:48,125 --> 00:00:50,325
My whole life's like
Vice City, man, look.
20
00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:53,287
It's crazy, man, you'll see.
Look, just look at this.
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00:00:55,917 --> 00:00:57,037
I'll see you, baby.
22
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Bye.
23
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Bye-bye.
24
00:01:10,375 --> 00:01:12,035
[car honks]
25
00:01:13,417 --> 00:01:15,997
[Dave] Sorry, I need this!
26
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[man] What are you doing?
27
00:01:18,500 --> 00:01:20,000
Not if I can help it.
28
00:01:20,083 --> 00:01:21,003
[gunshots]
29
00:01:21,083 --> 00:01:23,173
Ow! Oh!
30
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:32,420
[machine gun firing]
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The name's Chappelle.
32
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Bye, baby, I'll see you later.
I love ya!
33
00:01:54,208 --> 00:01:56,708
[applause]
34
00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:04,460
I was recently overseas
in Japan. I'm not braggin'.
35
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:07,285
I got a lot of respect in Japan.
36
00:02:07,375 --> 00:02:10,165
I've never been treated
so well by people.
37
00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:14,380
I would say that I was loved
and feared at the same time.
38
00:02:14,458 --> 00:02:16,168
I have footage of my vacation,
39
00:02:16,250 --> 00:02:18,630
and I would like to share it
with you right now.
40
00:02:20,625 --> 00:02:23,625
[melodramatic music playing]
41
00:02:27,333 --> 00:02:28,543
[loud rumbling]
42
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[screaming]
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Ahh...
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[Funkier music playing]
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Ohh!
46
00:03:17,083 --> 00:03:20,043
[coughing]
47
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All y'all right here,
I got something for ya.
48
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I got something for all y'all.
49
00:03:31,708 --> 00:03:34,828
Oh, no, he pull his pants down!
50
00:03:34,917 --> 00:03:36,877
♪ Ta-daaa ♪
51
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That's no snake, honey.
52
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♪ It's raining It's pouring... ♪
53
00:03:54,750 --> 00:03:58,130
[siren blaring]
54
00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:02,580
Oh, snap!
55
00:04:02,667 --> 00:04:04,207
I thought you was locked up.
56
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,750
[roaring]
57
00:04:13,833 --> 00:04:15,333
You have a problem, huh?
58
00:04:19,083 --> 00:04:20,213
Ooh!
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Oh, no!
60
00:04:28,625 --> 00:04:31,995
[squish, Godzilla roars]
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Yee!
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[electricity buzzing]
63
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Yah!
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Yeah!
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I'm from the streets, bitch!
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00:05:00,083 --> 00:05:01,383
Oh, no!
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Oh, ooh! Hot, hot!
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00:05:20,917 --> 00:05:23,207
Oh, no, not stick.
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00:05:23,042 --> 00:05:25,962
Ahh! Ahh!
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Ah!
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[romantic piano music playing]
72
00:05:35,500 --> 00:05:37,130
Um...
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I'll call you sometime
or come around or something.
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00:05:41,042 --> 00:05:42,132
I'll be back.
75
00:05:43,583 --> 00:05:46,173
[roar]
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00:05:49,042 --> 00:05:51,502
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
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We'll be right back, folks,
with more Chappelle's Show.
78
00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:55,247
So don't go anywhere.
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00:05:59,875 --> 00:06:01,285
Man, I'm bored.
80
00:06:01,375 --> 00:06:03,285
I gotta go
to the Chappelle show.
81
00:06:05,875 --> 00:06:06,875
You know, folks...
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00:06:08,792 --> 00:06:11,422
Tonight is actually
a very special night.
83
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:13,830
I was in negotiations
with Comedy Central
84
00:06:13,917 --> 00:06:17,037
to do a one-hour special--
much like I did on HBO.
85
00:06:17,125 --> 00:06:18,495
Very excited about it, and then,
86
00:06:18,583 --> 00:06:20,333
suddenly the negotiations
fell apart
87
00:06:20,417 --> 00:06:22,077
'cause they didn't have
the money that I wanted.
88
00:06:22,167 --> 00:06:23,497
They won't budge.
89
00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:26,923
But they did, they did
come up with enough money
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00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,380
for me to do
a two-minute special.
91
00:06:29,917 --> 00:06:31,077
Yes, and tonight,
92
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:32,827
you are the lucky crowd
that gets to see it.
93
00:06:32,917 --> 00:06:34,077
So everyone, just sit tight.
94
00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:35,247
I'm gonna go in the back
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00:06:35,333 --> 00:06:37,173
and we're gonna start
shootin' this puppy.
96
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,500
All right, let's get it goin'.
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00:06:45,083 --> 00:06:49,043
[funky music plays]
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[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
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give it up right nowfor Dave Chappelle!
100
00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:13,790
[cheers and applause]
101
00:08:23,542 --> 00:08:24,332
Whassup?
102
00:08:25,875 --> 00:08:26,915
How y'all feelin'?
103
00:08:27,833 --> 00:08:29,253
I gotta get right into it,
104
00:08:29,333 --> 00:08:32,003
I don't have a lot of time now.
105
00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:34,383
I wanna talk about the war.
106
00:08:34,458 --> 00:08:38,038
I wanna tell y'all how
I really feel about the war.
107
00:08:38,125 --> 00:08:39,125
Y'all ready to hear
108
00:08:39,208 --> 00:08:41,168
how I feel about the war?
109
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,040
Y'all ready to hear
110
00:08:42,125 --> 00:08:43,575
how I feel about Bush?
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00:08:43,667 --> 00:08:46,167
Well, this is how I feel--
[buzzer]
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Thank you very much, good night!
113
00:09:13,958 --> 00:09:15,498
Fuckin' pay me!
114
00:09:26,750 --> 00:09:28,670
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
115
00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:31,130
♪ Better not bring your kids ♪
116
00:09:32,458 --> 00:09:33,458
Hey, guys.
117
00:09:37,875 --> 00:09:41,035
Do any of you guys watch
those documentaries on HBO ?
118
00:09:41,125 --> 00:09:43,245
Those, uh, Hookers and Johns ?
119
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:45,043
[audience] Yeah.
120
00:09:45,125 --> 00:09:47,915
Did anybody see that one,
Pimps Up, Ho's Down ?
121
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,960
[applause]
122
00:09:50,042 --> 00:09:51,002
I just seen their new one,
123
00:09:51,083 --> 00:09:52,923
and I got an advanced copy
on it,
124
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,330
you're gonna love it.
125
00:09:54,417 --> 00:09:55,537
Check it out.
126
00:10:23,875 --> 00:10:25,165
Yeah, you know what I'm sayin'?
127
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,580
Like, real hatin', man,
that's like an art form, man.
128
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:29,037
You know, it's like,
you like a born hater.
129
00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:30,535
You know, like myself,
130
00:10:30,625 --> 00:10:31,705
a lot of cats think they hatin'.
131
00:10:31,792 --> 00:10:34,132
I mean, I'm mad at everything,
man.
132
00:10:34,208 --> 00:10:35,288
Brother got a nice car--
133
00:10:35,375 --> 00:10:37,075
"Man, why you got a car?
I only got one car.
134
00:10:37,167 --> 00:10:39,577
"Why you got three cars
or a wife or all that?
135
00:10:39,667 --> 00:10:41,037
Man, that's played out."
136
00:10:41,125 --> 00:10:43,955
I hate on a nigga
'til he's totally broke,
137
00:10:44,042 --> 00:10:46,252
and ain't got nothin' like me,
you know what I'm sayin'?
138
00:10:46,333 --> 00:10:49,583
'Cause, yeah, that's what
real hatin' is all about, man.
139
00:10:49,667 --> 00:10:50,667
Hey, what's poppin', everybody?
140
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:52,080
The evil star here,
wanna welcome you
141
00:10:52,167 --> 00:10:55,327
to The Fifth Annual Player
Haters Award, uh, ceremony.
142
00:10:55,417 --> 00:10:58,497
This gala affair, we, uh,
we host this once a year.
143
00:10:58,583 --> 00:11:01,633
We honor the most
prestigious verbal abusers,
144
00:11:01,708 --> 00:11:02,578
uh, on the planet.
145
00:11:05,792 --> 00:11:08,132
[heavy Korean accent]
146
00:11:12,125 --> 00:11:13,875
Again, I'm hating
all them Koreans.
147
00:11:13,958 --> 00:11:15,998
[speaking Korean]
148
00:11:22,333 --> 00:11:23,423
Is that a cut on beauty?
149
00:11:26,458 --> 00:11:29,748
The Player Haters ball
gives us an opportunity
150
00:11:29,833 --> 00:11:34,043
to hate on a diverse array
of Mark-ass marks,
151
00:11:34,125 --> 00:11:36,915
trick-ass marks, punk bitches
152
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,880
and skip-scap skanks
and scallywags...
153
00:11:39,958 --> 00:11:43,998
Hos, heifers, hee-haws
and hula hoops.
154
00:11:44,083 --> 00:11:46,133
Man, you oughta take that cane
155
00:11:46,208 --> 00:11:48,078
and beat whoever
made that suit to death.
156
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:50,207
[laughs]
157
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:52,132
Why don't you vacuum that coat,
man?
158
00:11:52,208 --> 00:11:54,038
Well, well, well!
159
00:11:54,125 --> 00:11:59,205
The most diabolical haters
this side of the Mississippi.
160
00:11:59,042 --> 00:12:01,962
Buc nasty, what can I say
about that suit
161
00:12:02,042 --> 00:12:05,042
that hasn't already been
said about Afghanistan?
162
00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:08,035
It looks bombed out
and depleted.
163
00:12:08,125 --> 00:12:11,125
And of course,
the so-called "beautiful."
164
00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:14,538
Why don't you click your heels
together three times
165
00:12:14,625 --> 00:12:16,375
and go back to Africa?
166
00:12:16,458 --> 00:12:19,078
And as for you, Boss Hogg,
167
00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:22,787
very insulting what you said
about my coat.
168
00:12:22,875 --> 00:12:25,125
It's made out of
your mother's pubic hair.
169
00:12:25,208 --> 00:12:26,288
Quite shitty.
170
00:12:26,375 --> 00:12:30,035
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go take my throne
171
00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:31,915
'cause I'm a shoo-in...
172
00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:35,040
For hater of the year.
173
00:12:35,125 --> 00:12:38,285
The Player Haters ball
is not always about
174
00:12:38,375 --> 00:12:40,745
hating on one another.
175
00:12:40,833 --> 00:12:43,043
We play games with each other,
too.
176
00:12:43,125 --> 00:12:45,575
Like our annual photo flip.
177
00:12:45,667 --> 00:12:47,787
-[man] Oh. Damn.
-[man1] Oh, my God.
178
00:12:47,875 --> 00:12:49,825
[man2] Little-ass teeth?
Nigga got dolphin teeth.
179
00:12:49,917 --> 00:12:51,417
Arsenio hall teeth!
180
00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:54,880
He always says he doesn't want
anyone to see him shine,
181
00:12:54,958 --> 00:12:57,248
but the nigga looks shiny to me.
182
00:12:57,333 --> 00:13:01,423
Looks like Malcolm X before
he converted to Islam.
183
00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:02,210
[Effie] Next.
184
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:04,330
[man2] Thank you, Miss Effie.
185
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:07,377
Good lord, almighty,
it's Osama bin Laden.
186
00:13:07,458 --> 00:13:09,748
That motherfucker pumped
my gas in my car
187
00:13:09,833 --> 00:13:11,213
on the way over here.
188
00:13:11,042 --> 00:13:14,212
[man2] That's ironic, because
I take yoga classes from him.
189
00:13:14,292 --> 00:13:16,172
Next picture, please.
190
00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:19,750
I like the song the girl sings,
Papa, Don't Preach.
191
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:21,293
I got a song for you too, bitch.
192
00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:22,995
It's called,
Daughter,Don't Sing.
193
00:13:24,083 --> 00:13:26,083
Next picture, please.
194
00:13:27,042 --> 00:13:28,462
[man] It's boy George!
195
00:13:28,542 --> 00:13:31,082
Now, that man right there
I'd hate to fight.
196
00:13:31,167 --> 00:13:34,327
She wears underwear
with dick holes in 'em.
197
00:13:38,208 --> 00:13:40,078
[man] Now to present the award
198
00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:43,247
for Player Hater of the year--
Ice T.!
199
00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:45,543
[booing]
200
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:48,625
You look like Bill Cosby
on crack!
201
00:13:48,708 --> 00:13:51,498
I'd like to welcome
all you ignorant-ass bitches,
202
00:13:51,583 --> 00:13:54,383
critics, complainers,
disgruntled rappers,
203
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:56,958
ha, and racists especially,
204
00:13:57,042 --> 00:13:58,792
to the Ninth Annual
205
00:13:58,875 --> 00:14:02,125
International Player
Haters Ball!
206
00:14:02,208 --> 00:14:04,078
Oh, man, hate, hate, hate...
207
00:14:04,167 --> 00:14:06,077
[audience chanting]
Hate, hate, hate, hate...
208
00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:09,127
Hate, hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate, hate, hate.
209
00:14:09,208 --> 00:14:10,998
Oh, man, you corny!
210
00:14:11,083 --> 00:14:13,083
Next nigga say somethin'
while I'm talkin'
211
00:14:13,167 --> 00:14:15,207
is gettin' shot,
please believe that.
212
00:14:15,292 --> 00:14:17,792
[audience] Hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate!
213
00:14:17,875 --> 00:14:19,575
So without further ado,
214
00:14:19,667 --> 00:14:23,167
let me give you the nominations
for Player Hater of the year.
215
00:14:23,250 --> 00:14:24,210
Y'all ready?
216
00:14:26,083 --> 00:14:27,003
First up...
217
00:14:28,125 --> 00:14:29,165
Buc Nasty!
218
00:14:29,250 --> 00:14:31,210
[booing]
Clap for me, bitch!
219
00:14:31,042 --> 00:14:33,752
Buc Nasty is nominated for...
220
00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:37,628
Getting his best friend's wife
pregnant,
221
00:14:37,708 --> 00:14:39,378
then tricking
his best friend into
222
00:14:39,458 --> 00:14:41,168
raising the little motherfucker.
223
00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:42,880
Yeah, holla at your boy.
224
00:14:43,625 --> 00:14:45,205
Damn, that's hateful!
225
00:14:46,167 --> 00:14:48,497
The next nominee is Pitbull.
226
00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:50,003
[booing]
227
00:14:50,083 --> 00:14:54,173
Pitbull is nominated
for calling the police
228
00:14:54,250 --> 00:14:57,210
on the drug dealers that moved
next door to his house,
229
00:14:57,042 --> 00:14:59,672
not because it was
the right thing to do,
230
00:14:59,750 --> 00:15:02,750
just because he was jealous of
all the money they was makin'.
231
00:15:02,833 --> 00:15:04,423
Pitbull!
[barks]
232
00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:06,290
Finally, the one and only...
233
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,250
Silky Johnson!
234
00:15:09,333 --> 00:15:11,333
[boos and applause]
235
00:15:11,417 --> 00:15:14,167
Silky Johnson is nominated
236
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:18,710
for calling in a bomb threat
to the special Olympics, man!
237
00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:20,792
[audience] Hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate!
238
00:15:20,875 --> 00:15:23,125
The winner of The Ninth Annual
Player Hater
239
00:15:23,208 --> 00:15:24,248
of the year award is...
240
00:15:24,333 --> 00:15:26,923
[man] Look like a bootleg
Ice T.!
241
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,170
Silky Johnston!
242
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,880
[booing]
243
00:15:32,958 --> 00:15:34,168
Kiss my ass!
244
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,630
I'm the biggest hater!
245
00:15:41,333 --> 00:15:45,213
Silky mink made out of
100% rat ass!
246
00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:47,332
Hit me, baby.
247
00:15:47,417 --> 00:15:50,077
That, of course,
was beautiful talkin'.
248
00:15:50,167 --> 00:15:51,417
Beautiful on the weekends
249
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:54,460
does stunts for little Richard
in gay movies.
250
00:15:54,542 --> 00:15:57,632
[laughter]
251
00:15:57,708 --> 00:16:01,208
First off, I would like
to thank God almighty
252
00:16:01,042 --> 00:16:04,212
for giving everybody so much...
253
00:16:04,292 --> 00:16:06,212
And me so little.
254
00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:10,040
I hate you, I hate you,
255
00:16:10,125 --> 00:16:12,535
I don't even know you,
and I hate your guts.
256
00:16:12,625 --> 00:16:15,535
I hope all the bad things
in life happen to you
257
00:16:15,625 --> 00:16:17,745
and nobody else but you.
258
00:16:17,833 --> 00:16:19,883
[booing]
259
00:16:19,958 --> 00:16:21,748
Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate!
260
00:16:21,833 --> 00:16:25,043
And as I sip my soda
that I'm sure somebody spit in
261
00:16:26,417 --> 00:16:29,247
I just would like to say
to all of you,
262
00:16:29,333 --> 00:16:32,043
kiss my ass,
you rotten motherfuckers.
263
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,750
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go home
264
00:16:36,833 --> 00:16:39,753
and put some water
in Buc Nasty's mama's dish.
265
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,173
Good evening.
266
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:44,127
[laughter]
267
00:16:44,208 --> 00:16:45,998
Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,
268
00:16:46,083 --> 00:16:50,083
hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...
269
00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:54,710
[cheers and applause]
270
00:16:54,792 --> 00:16:57,582
I will be right back,
I will see you shortly.
271
00:16:57,667 --> 00:16:58,957
Come back, don't go anywhere.
272
00:16:59,042 --> 00:17:01,882
You got more Chappelle's Show
after these messages.
273
00:17:03,667 --> 00:17:04,917
♪ Turn on your TV ♪
274
00:17:06,167 --> 00:17:08,127
♪ What you gonna see? ♪
275
00:17:08,208 --> 00:17:11,708
I would like to thank all of you
for being here with me tonight.
276
00:17:11,792 --> 00:17:13,042
You're great.
277
00:17:13,125 --> 00:17:15,325
And I'd like to thank you
at home for watching.
278
00:17:15,417 --> 00:17:16,497
Tune in next week
279
00:17:16,583 --> 00:17:18,383
and we'll see you on
Chappelle's Show.
280
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,920
[Chappelle] I'm rich, biatch!
281
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,790
[horn honks]
Hi, thank you!
282
00:17:31,292 --> 00:17:34,542
Silky mama got one big titty
and one little titty,
283
00:17:34,625 --> 00:17:37,495
and they call that
bitch "biggie smalls"!
284
00:17:37,583 --> 00:17:39,833
Hit me three times, baby.
285
00:17:39,917 --> 00:17:41,707
He looks like a broke-ass...
286
00:17:42,708 --> 00:17:44,828
He looks like a broke-ass...
287
00:17:45,667 --> 00:17:47,537
He looks like a broke-ass...
288
00:17:49,125 --> 00:17:51,125
He looks like a broke-ass...
289
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,920
Sexual, broke, uh,
sexual chocolate.
290
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,540
Is that the word?
291
00:17:57,625 --> 00:18:00,125
I wish you ill, Ice T.
292
00:18:00,208 --> 00:18:01,128
That's right, that's right.
293
00:18:01,178 --> 00:18:05,728
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