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♪ Chappelle's ShowChappelle's Show ♪
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00:00:04,333 --> 00:00:06,543
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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00:00:06,625 --> 00:00:08,125
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Ow ♪
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00:00:09,333 --> 00:00:10,753
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
5
00:00:11,333 --> 00:00:12,423
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
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00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:13,580
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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00:00:16,292 --> 00:00:17,672
Let's start the show.
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[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
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[cheering and applauding]
10
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Damn, that was nice.
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Thanks, y'all.
12
00:00:34,750 --> 00:00:36,630
Oh, be comfortable,
relax, everyone.
13
00:00:36,708 --> 00:00:37,958
Thanks for coming out, man.
14
00:00:38,042 --> 00:00:39,332
You guys are so nice.
15
00:00:39,917 --> 00:00:42,167
Make ya feel good having
your own T.V. show.
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00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:44,457
That's a good thing, man,
you have your own show,
17
00:00:44,542 --> 00:00:46,082
all these opportunities
just open up.
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Like, recently,
I'm not bragging--
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00:00:48,583 --> 00:00:50,673
Q.V.C., I don't know if
you watch it.
20
00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:53,000
They offered me
my own line of clothing.
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Now, I almost did it.
22
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The only reason I didn't do it
23
00:00:57,333 --> 00:00:58,883
was not because
I don't like their products,
24
00:00:58,958 --> 00:01:00,208
as much as I just don't
like the way
25
00:01:00,292 --> 00:01:02,212
they conduct
themselves on the network.
26
00:01:02,042 --> 00:01:03,422
They're just gross, man.
27
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They just nasty people.
28
00:01:05,458 --> 00:01:07,748
I don't know if you watch it.
This was on just last night.
29
00:01:07,833 --> 00:01:09,133
We taped it just for the show.
30
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Look at this, it's disgusting.
31
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Okay!
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I am being told our
napkin ring bonanza is over,
33
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we are totally sold out!
34
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Now, Ron, you are actually
wearing our next product,
35
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a beautiful
Timeco gold wristwatch.
36
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:24,460
I am, Jessica!
37
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Now, not only is this watch
attractive,
38
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it keeps incredible time!
39
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Uh, Ron, uh, I think you
have a booger on your hand.
40
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You're right, Jessica, I do!
41
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Ha, ha, ha!
42
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Better get rid of it,
before one of our customers
43
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Bids on it!
44
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I'll start the bidding at $9.95.
45
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Sold!
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You dick.
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Pretty damn bad, huh?
48
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It gets worse.
49
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Look at this one.
50
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Okay, now, I'm hearing
we've gotta move on
51
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to our next product.
52
00:02:00,208 --> 00:02:03,378
Now, we have a beautiful
set of cubic zirconia earrings
53
00:02:03,458 --> 00:02:05,788
that one of our models,
Tammy, is modeling.
54
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-Oh, very nice.
-Nice, huh?
55
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Oh, Tammy.
56
00:02:11,083 --> 00:02:13,133
Looks like someone's having
a herpes outbreak.
57
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It's not genital herpes,
it's just a cold sore!
58
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No, that's genital herpes.
59
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Believe me, I should know,
I've had it since 1979.
60
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Remember that place in--
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I don't know where they
get them models from.
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Now, this next one--
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This one made me
actually wanna spit up.
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Observe.
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Okay, our sportswear tsunami
continues to gather strength.
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We have more ladies'
bathing suits.
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This is a beautiful
Bikini on Bonnie.
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Whoa!
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It's a jungle down there.
70
00:02:49,083 --> 00:02:50,833
[Tarzan yell]
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Me Jane.
She hairy.
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00:02:54,250 --> 00:02:55,670
The rugs don't quite
match the drapes,
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have you noticed that?
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[applauding]
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That was fuckin'
gross and hairy, man.
76
00:03:03,042 --> 00:03:05,002
That just looks so nasty,
doesn't it?
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00:03:06,208 --> 00:03:07,878
What would you do
if you seen that lady?
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Would you run?
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Most niggas would be like--
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00:03:16,708 --> 00:03:18,038
Gotta do what I gotta do, son.
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We all have our faults,
you know.
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Now, you guys, I don't know if
you guys are big movie buffs,
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00:03:26,417 --> 00:03:27,497
but I collect DVDs.
84
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For God's sakes,
pick this one up.
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[narrator] 25 years ago,
86
00:03:35,125 --> 00:03:38,375
an epic motion picture was
unleashed on America,
87
00:03:38,833 --> 00:03:42,173
considered one of the most
important films in history.
88
00:03:42,708 --> 00:03:46,168
We are now proud to release
this masterpiece on DVD
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00:03:46,250 --> 00:03:48,040
for the very first time.
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00:03:48,125 --> 00:03:49,415
This one-of-a-kind,
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00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:52,000
25th anniversary
commemorative edition
92
00:03:52,125 --> 00:03:54,825
features extras including
cast interviews,
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00:03:54,917 --> 00:03:59,077
director commentary,
and never-before-seen outtakes.
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00:03:59,167 --> 00:04:04,077
Kizzie, behold, the only thing
greater than yourself.
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00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:06,287
Oh, oh!
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00:04:07,250 --> 00:04:09,170
Oh, I'm--
Hey, I'm sorry.
97
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,330
I told y'all not to
give me a real baby.
98
00:04:13,042 --> 00:04:15,172
Pissin' all over me and [beep].
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00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:19,420
Catch all the gags, spills,
and hilarious practical jokes.
100
00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:22,290
♪ Coming forthto carry me home ♪
101
00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:28,127
Your name is Toby!
102
00:04:29,042 --> 00:04:31,132
Kunta Kinte!
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00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:33,880
Oh!
104
00:04:35,083 --> 00:04:38,333
I said, your name is Toby!
105
00:04:38,917 --> 00:04:40,127
Kunta Kinte!
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00:04:42,250 --> 00:04:43,460
Damn!
107
00:04:43,542 --> 00:04:46,042
Steve, what'd I say about
hitting so hard, man?
108
00:04:46,667 --> 00:04:47,997
I'm sorry, are you all right?
109
00:04:48,083 --> 00:04:49,043
You sorry?
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00:04:49,125 --> 00:04:50,535
I'm gonna show
you sorry, man!
111
00:04:50,625 --> 00:04:52,165
I'm gonna show you sorry!
112
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:54,830
[laughing]
113
00:04:56,167 --> 00:04:57,707
I told y'all he's scared of me!
114
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,750
Hold on, let me get up there.
115
00:05:07,833 --> 00:05:12,963
The Roots 25th anniversary
commemorative edition on DVD.
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00:05:13,042 --> 00:05:14,752
[man] Including all Walbog's !
117
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We'll be right back, with more
Chappelle's Show.
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Don't go anywhere.
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♪ Chappelle's Show,
Ow ♪
120
00:05:22,667 --> 00:05:24,327
[applause]
121
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Hey, hey, welcome back!
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You all know this is not
my first show?
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Did you know that?
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No, I've had several attempts,
man.
125
00:05:34,875 --> 00:05:36,535
Uh, I actually, my first--
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00:05:36,625 --> 00:05:38,165
My first show
that ever got on the air
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00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:41,250
was the ill-fated buddies,
on A.B.C.
128
00:05:42,083 --> 00:05:43,503
The thing that was wrong
with that show
129
00:05:43,583 --> 00:05:46,043
was it was just
irrelevant and not funny
130
00:05:47,250 --> 00:05:49,830
by me having a white friend,
like, "how incredible,
131
00:05:50,583 --> 00:05:52,713
look at 'em, talking
and laughing together."
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00:05:53,792 --> 00:05:55,002
And then, I did a show
after that
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00:05:55,083 --> 00:05:57,423
that almost got to the air,
but then I got sued
134
00:05:58,083 --> 00:05:59,923
'cause it was a reality show.
135
00:06:00,208 --> 00:06:01,708
it was raw and gritty.
136
00:06:02,083 --> 00:06:05,043
You know, one of
them hidden camera shows,
137
00:06:05,125 --> 00:06:07,415
like totally hidden video
or something like this.
138
00:06:07,833 --> 00:06:10,043
Mine was like that,
but it was raw!
139
00:06:10,458 --> 00:06:11,628
Like life!
140
00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:13,710
I didn't wanna hit 'em soft.
141
00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:15,833
Mine was supposed
to be hard and real!
142
00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:19,423
I got some clips
I'll show you.
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00:06:20,708 --> 00:06:22,498
[announcer] Coming this fall,
on The W.B.:
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00:06:22,917 --> 00:06:24,247
Look out, Jamie Kennedy!
145
00:06:24,333 --> 00:06:26,333
There's a new video prankster
in town,
146
00:06:26,417 --> 00:06:29,247
and he goes by
the name, Dave Chappelle!
147
00:06:29,333 --> 00:06:30,173
Zapped !
148
00:06:31,250 --> 00:06:33,080
Watch the look
on these kids' faces
149
00:06:33,167 --> 00:06:35,577
when Dave tells them their
parents are dead.
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00:06:35,958 --> 00:06:36,878
How're you kids doing?
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00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:41,710
Well, kids, a doctor's job
is hard,
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00:06:42,167 --> 00:06:43,537
and it never gets harder
than telling you guys
153
00:06:43,625 --> 00:06:45,075
that your parents are dead.
154
00:06:45,167 --> 00:06:48,537
[children crying]
155
00:06:52,750 --> 00:06:55,040
[laughing]
156
00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:58,457
Foster care is
coming to pick you guys up,
157
00:06:58,542 --> 00:07:00,632
and somebody's gonna adopt you,
right like this!
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00:07:00,708 --> 00:07:01,628
I would.
159
00:07:01,708 --> 00:07:03,128
All right, guys, be good.
160
00:07:03,625 --> 00:07:04,625
Be good to each other.
161
00:07:04,708 --> 00:07:06,128
Hopefully, they don't
split you up.
162
00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:07,078
All right, take care.
163
00:07:08,042 --> 00:07:09,502
Oh, by the way,
I forgot to tell you...
164
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Psych!
165
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I'm just kidding,
come on out, mom and dad,
166
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come on out.
167
00:07:15,083 --> 00:07:16,833
Why did you do this to us?
168
00:07:18,958 --> 00:07:20,168
Y'all been zapped!
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00:07:21,583 --> 00:07:23,133
Look out, America,
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00:07:23,208 --> 00:07:26,328
'cause when Dave Chappelle's
around, you might get zapped!
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00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:32,043
Julie!
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What up, playboy?
173
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:35,040
Damn it, how could
you do this to me?
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00:07:36,250 --> 00:07:38,170
You've wasted eight years
of my life!
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00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,210
Oh, come on, man,
with all that shouting.
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00:07:41,208 --> 00:07:42,628
Dave Chappelle?
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00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:46,035
Jeez, Julie,
why don't you just fuck J.J.?
178
00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:48,382
J.J.?
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00:07:48,458 --> 00:07:52,208
I ain't J.J.,
but it was dyn-o-mite!
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00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:55,075
While we're on the subject,
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00:07:55,167 --> 00:07:56,917
I've been sleeping with
my secretary
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for the last
three and a half years.
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00:07:59,042 --> 00:08:00,172
What?
184
00:08:00,625 --> 00:08:02,875
This wasn't real,
this was fake!
185
00:08:02,958 --> 00:08:04,248
Well, what's that in his pants?
186
00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:05,633
It's a dildo, dawg!
187
00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:09,880
You have been zapped!
188
00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:14,037
Dave Chappelle,
you have ruined my life!
189
00:08:14,208 --> 00:08:15,788
[laughing]
190
00:08:16,792 --> 00:08:19,132
[cheering and applauding]
191
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:23,880
Now, the next one is
the one that really
192
00:08:23,958 --> 00:08:25,378
got me in a lot more trouble.
193
00:08:25,458 --> 00:08:26,998
This is when the heat
got turned up.
194
00:08:27,417 --> 00:08:28,287
Observe.
195
00:08:31,083 --> 00:08:32,423
Zapped!
196
00:08:32,500 --> 00:08:34,750
All right, everybody,
get on the fucking floor!
197
00:08:34,833 --> 00:08:35,923
This is a robbery!
198
00:08:36,208 --> 00:08:37,788
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey!
199
00:08:37,875 --> 00:08:39,415
Stay cool, big time, stay cool!
200
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:41,290
Don't you move, baby!
201
00:08:41,375 --> 00:08:44,125
You've got 20 seconds to
fill this bag with cash.
202
00:08:44,208 --> 00:08:45,748
I don't wanna
see a peep outta you.
203
00:08:45,833 --> 00:08:48,333
Hey, big time, what you looking
at my face for?
204
00:08:48,417 --> 00:08:50,167
That's against
the protocol of robbery!
205
00:08:50,250 --> 00:08:51,540
You think it's a fuckin' game?
206
00:08:51,625 --> 00:08:53,075
Shoot this motherfucka.
207
00:08:53,167 --> 00:08:54,627
[shooting]
208
00:08:57,792 --> 00:08:59,042
[barking]
209
00:09:03,208 --> 00:09:04,708
Please, I have a family.
210
00:09:04,792 --> 00:09:06,292
Oh, you got a family?
211
00:09:06,375 --> 00:09:07,535
Well, guess what?
212
00:09:07,625 --> 00:09:09,245
I eat cottage cheese
for dinner, all right?
213
00:09:09,625 --> 00:09:11,035
With salt and pepper.
214
00:09:11,125 --> 00:09:12,165
You understand?
215
00:09:12,250 --> 00:09:13,420
Now, I'm getting outta here.
216
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:14,880
I wanna tell y'all something...
217
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,000
You've been zapped!
218
00:09:18,750 --> 00:09:20,460
[laughing]
219
00:09:22,750 --> 00:09:24,210
Freeze, right there!
220
00:09:24,042 --> 00:09:25,962
-Look, we just doing a show--
-[gunshot]
221
00:09:26,083 --> 00:09:27,083
Ow!
222
00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:30,543
Damn, I got hit!
223
00:09:32,208 --> 00:09:33,788
I didn't have
nothing to do with that.
224
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:36,165
Sorry.
225
00:09:36,583 --> 00:09:38,043
Be prepared to get zapped
226
00:09:38,125 --> 00:09:39,575
Thursdays at 8:30.
227
00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:41,167
This fall, on the W.B. !
228
00:09:41,583 --> 00:09:43,503
♪ Mammy ♪
229
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,077
[moaning]
230
00:09:48,875 --> 00:09:51,625
What, I can't make fun of
that fucking frog?
231
00:09:52,458 --> 00:09:53,628
Fuck that frog.
232
00:09:54,333 --> 00:09:55,753
They don't be doing
that on white networks.
233
00:09:55,833 --> 00:09:57,083
As soon as a black network--
234
00:09:57,167 --> 00:09:58,537
♪ At the Dubba W.B. ♪
235
00:10:00,042 --> 00:10:02,212
♪ I like chicken... ♪
236
00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:06,000
That's the most racist shit
ever.
237
00:10:07,583 --> 00:10:11,423
♪ Welcome back, niggers,
to the W.B. ♪
238
00:10:13,417 --> 00:10:14,997
Hey, don't go anywhere,
we'll be right back,
239
00:10:15,083 --> 00:10:17,133
with more of this
Chappelle's Show.
240
00:10:17,208 --> 00:10:19,578
Yes, yes, we will!
241
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:26,000
Go ahead!
242
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,712
[applauding]
243
00:10:29,875 --> 00:10:31,205
Welcome back.
244
00:10:34,708 --> 00:10:38,378
This next piece is, uh, from my
Masterpiece Theater archives.
245
00:10:38,833 --> 00:10:42,173
It's actually dedicated
to women who don't appreciate
246
00:10:42,667 --> 00:10:44,417
Their God-given assets.
247
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:47,747
I tell you ladies, especially
y'all at home watchin',
248
00:10:47,833 --> 00:10:49,923
appreciate your
bodies for what they are
249
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,330
'cause you never know who
might be likin' 'em.
250
00:10:59,125 --> 00:11:00,665
What's with all the stretching?
251
00:11:00,750 --> 00:11:04,250
Oh, you know the old adage:
big boobs, bad back.
252
00:11:05,042 --> 00:11:06,292
Yeah, all set?
253
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,040
I'm a little worried, I didn't
have a clean sports bra
254
00:11:09,125 --> 00:11:10,075
so I had to
wear a regular one.
255
00:11:10,167 --> 00:11:11,787
You'll be fine, let's go.
256
00:11:13,458 --> 00:11:16,038
[beating drums]
257
00:11:16,542 --> 00:11:18,922
Oh, don't worry, Sheila,
I'm sure nobody notices.
258
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:19,880
Really?
259
00:11:19,958 --> 00:11:20,748
Yeah.
260
00:11:20,833 --> 00:11:21,963
[man] Look at that lady.
261
00:11:22,083 --> 00:11:24,083
Yeah, her bosoms are, like,
bouncin' around and everything.
262
00:11:24,625 --> 00:11:26,205
They're not talking about you.
263
00:11:26,042 --> 00:11:28,632
Sweet Jesus, did you see
the jugs on that brunette?
264
00:11:28,708 --> 00:11:29,628
[man] Yeah!
265
00:11:30,042 --> 00:11:31,502
I'm gonna go in.
266
00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:32,793
Sheila, it's okay.
267
00:11:32,875 --> 00:11:33,955
It's not okay!
268
00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:35,463
Ow!
269
00:11:35,542 --> 00:11:37,132
It's not okay!
270
00:11:39,042 --> 00:11:40,172
Stupid boobs.
271
00:11:41,208 --> 00:11:42,788
Nothing but an inconvenience.
272
00:11:43,625 --> 00:11:44,915
I wish I didn't have 'em!
273
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,170
Ow.
274
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:50,247
Agh!
275
00:11:51,083 --> 00:11:52,463
Careful what you wish for.
276
00:11:52,542 --> 00:11:54,332
What?
Who are you?
277
00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:56,497
Who I am is not important,
278
00:11:57,333 --> 00:11:59,923
but what you said about
those titties is.
279
00:12:01,167 --> 00:12:02,577
Follow me.
280
00:12:04,042 --> 00:12:05,582
[bells ringing]
281
00:12:05,667 --> 00:12:07,167
[Dave] It's easy, try it.
282
00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:09,382
[Sheila] Hey, that's me
283
00:12:09,833 --> 00:12:12,503
and that's Frank, the human
resources man at my office.
284
00:12:12,583 --> 00:12:14,003
He's always slobbering over me.
285
00:12:14,417 --> 00:12:15,417
Not today.
286
00:12:16,208 --> 00:12:19,038
So that's why I think
I'm qualified for the promotion.
287
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:23,080
Yeah, well, um...
we'll see.
288
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,630
Why is he being so dismissive?
289
00:12:27,917 --> 00:12:29,207
What happened to my boobs?
290
00:12:32,042 --> 00:12:34,212
Oh, you just answered
your own question.
291
00:12:35,125 --> 00:12:37,575
Them boobies is gone,
girl, just like you wished for.
292
00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:39,377
How did it go?
293
00:12:39,458 --> 00:12:40,458
Not well.
294
00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:42,962
That woman was
a flat-chested bore.
295
00:12:43,042 --> 00:12:44,752
Our clients will never respond
to her.
296
00:12:45,292 --> 00:12:47,252
For Pete's sake,
she's got no melons.
297
00:12:48,458 --> 00:12:51,128
So, should I tell her she's not
getting the promotion?
298
00:12:51,208 --> 00:12:52,418
Yes.
299
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,380
In fact, tell that
titless freak she's fired.
300
00:12:55,458 --> 00:12:56,748
Oh, I'm on it.
301
00:12:56,833 --> 00:12:58,633
Oh, are guys really like that?
302
00:12:59,625 --> 00:13:00,625
No.
303
00:13:00,708 --> 00:13:02,128
My guy friends aren't
like that.
304
00:13:02,917 --> 00:13:04,327
[laughing]
305
00:13:06,125 --> 00:13:08,575
-Boo-yah!
-[Sheila] Hey, look, it's Paul.
306
00:13:08,917 --> 00:13:11,917
He's always been so helpful
to me, such a loyal friend.
307
00:13:14,083 --> 00:13:17,423
Hey, buddy, I have a painting
I need to hang up in my bedroom,
308
00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:18,330
Do you think you could help?
309
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,380
Wow, I didn't even know
we were buddies.
310
00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:23,205
I always thought
I was your personal handyman
311
00:13:23,042 --> 00:13:25,462
'cause you're constantly
asking me for favors
312
00:13:25,542 --> 00:13:26,462
that I don't want to do.
313
00:13:26,958 --> 00:13:27,878
You know what you need?
314
00:13:27,958 --> 00:13:29,668
A new set of titties
and a boyfriend,
315
00:13:30,417 --> 00:13:31,827
then you'll be all set,
alright?
316
00:13:34,917 --> 00:13:36,127
What's gotten into him?
317
00:13:36,833 --> 00:13:38,713
Well, it's not
what's gotten into him
318
00:13:39,208 --> 00:13:41,128
as much as it is what's
gotten out of you.
319
00:13:41,625 --> 00:13:44,035
By that, of course, I mean
your massive milk bladders.
320
00:13:44,625 --> 00:13:45,705
Paul, wait!
321
00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:47,042
I still have big boobs!
322
00:13:47,958 --> 00:13:48,918
He can't see you.
323
00:13:49,167 --> 00:13:50,077
We'll see about that!
324
00:13:50,833 --> 00:13:51,963
[jingling]
325
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:55,538
He can't see you,
326
00:13:55,625 --> 00:13:57,995
but my black ass
got 20/20 vision.
327
00:13:58,083 --> 00:13:59,583
God damn, Sheila!
328
00:13:59,667 --> 00:14:00,707
You men are the worst.
329
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,000
You're right.
330
00:14:03,083 --> 00:14:04,963
Oh, my gosh,
Sheila, you are right.
331
00:14:05,458 --> 00:14:06,878
Women, the fairer sex,
332
00:14:06,958 --> 00:14:09,078
they would never ever
judge another woman
333
00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:11,077
by the size of her boobies,
now would they?
334
00:14:13,125 --> 00:14:13,995
Mazel Tov!
335
00:14:16,375 --> 00:14:17,955
Hey, wait,
those are my friends.
336
00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:19,960
Oh, word?
337
00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,290
Where's Sheila?
338
00:14:21,375 --> 00:14:23,075
Wasn't she supposed
to be a bridesmaid?
339
00:14:23,292 --> 00:14:24,672
Oh, I was gonna
have her be one,
340
00:14:25,042 --> 00:14:27,502
then I thought,
"Am I getting bridesmaids,
341
00:14:28,292 --> 00:14:30,212
or starting an itty-bitty
titty committee?"
342
00:14:30,458 --> 00:14:32,078
-Oh!
-[laughing]
343
00:14:34,042 --> 00:14:35,462
I didn't even invite her
to my wedding.
344
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,422
Oh, snap!
345
00:14:40,167 --> 00:14:41,287
How could she do that?
346
00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:44,083
'Cause your friends are bitches!
347
00:14:44,833 --> 00:14:49,003
Besides, Sheila, even girls
love girls with huge tits,
348
00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:50,750
especially at a wedding.
349
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,080
The groom's friends gotta have
somebody to sleep with.
350
00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:56,042
I had no idea these
things were so important.
351
00:14:56,292 --> 00:14:59,252
Oh, keep it real, girl,
them things are lifesavers.
352
00:14:59,917 --> 00:15:01,957
Listen, I didn't want to
put this on you,
353
00:15:02,042 --> 00:15:03,082
but the fate of the world--
354
00:15:03,792 --> 00:15:07,002
You hear me, the world rests
on them chesticles!
355
00:15:10,167 --> 00:15:12,167
-Shazam!
-[ringing alarm]
356
00:15:12,250 --> 00:15:15,170
Hey, where do I know
that crazy guy from?
357
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,713
He used to live
next door to you.
358
00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:21,132
You know, masturbating to you
and those giant cans of yours
359
00:15:21,208 --> 00:15:22,708
was all he had to live for.
360
00:15:23,583 --> 00:15:24,583
Once you took that away,
361
00:15:24,667 --> 00:15:27,127
he lost his mind
and blew up the world!
362
00:15:27,417 --> 00:15:28,747
Thanks a lot, Sheila.
363
00:15:28,833 --> 00:15:31,003
No, no, no!
364
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,080
I don't want the world to end
365
00:15:33,167 --> 00:15:35,167
just because of my
sweater puppets!
366
00:15:35,792 --> 00:15:37,212
Oh, that's a beautiful thought.
367
00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:39,210
You should've thought about that
368
00:15:39,042 --> 00:15:40,922
before you wished
them sweet tits away.
369
00:15:41,458 --> 00:15:43,578
World's going to end in
about 10 seconds...
370
00:15:44,208 --> 00:15:47,128
which is just enough
time to suck a titty,
371
00:15:47,208 --> 00:15:49,208
but where would I find
a titty from?
372
00:15:49,042 --> 00:15:52,332
I don't--
Well, hey, it's Sheila!
373
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,500
-[screaming]
-[explosion]
374
00:16:04,750 --> 00:16:07,460
You've taught me
a valuable lesson today.
375
00:16:09,083 --> 00:16:12,173
I'm never going to curse
my fun bags again.
376
00:16:13,917 --> 00:16:15,877
In fact, I might even
get implants.
377
00:16:17,250 --> 00:16:18,290
All right.
378
00:16:19,292 --> 00:16:20,422
You listen, world,
379
00:16:21,042 --> 00:16:25,172
I've got humongoid knockers,
and I'm proud of them.
380
00:16:27,083 --> 00:16:28,133
[jingle]
381
00:16:29,792 --> 00:16:31,082
Thanks, mister.
382
00:16:32,083 --> 00:16:33,423
You must be an angel
or something.
383
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,170
Angel?
384
00:16:35,250 --> 00:16:37,040
I ain't no angel, I'm a janitor.
385
00:16:39,917 --> 00:16:42,167
Then how did you show me
all those places?
386
00:16:42,625 --> 00:16:45,205
Girl, I am high on PCP.
387
00:16:45,833 --> 00:16:47,583
I was gonna ask you
how you was following me.
388
00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:50,327
You smoke Sherm--
a little Sherman?
389
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,880
No...uh,
who are you?
390
00:16:54,167 --> 00:16:56,077
I'm just a nigga
that love titties.
391
00:16:56,458 --> 00:16:57,578
Have a good day, miss.
392
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:01,170
[whistling]
393
00:17:04,458 --> 00:17:06,958
All right, everybody, we'll
take a quick commercial break
394
00:17:07,042 --> 00:17:09,172
so you guys can throw up or do
whatever you have to do,
395
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,580
and then we'll be back
with more Chappelle's Show.
396
00:17:11,667 --> 00:17:13,207
Hooray!
397
00:17:13,042 --> 00:17:15,292
[cheering]
398
00:17:17,125 --> 00:17:18,325
Man, I'm bored.
399
00:17:18,417 --> 00:17:20,167
I gotta go
to the Chappelle's Show.
400
00:17:21,125 --> 00:17:23,165
To my audience here
and my audience at home,
401
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:24,422
God bless you all, man.
402
00:17:24,833 --> 00:17:26,793
God bless America.
I'm out!
403
00:17:26,875 --> 00:17:28,165
[applause]
404
00:17:28,708 --> 00:17:30,418
I'm rich, biatch!
405
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:31,420
[horn honks]
406
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:32,540
Hi, thank you.
407
00:17:38,208 --> 00:17:40,208
Now I gotta get up,
wash all this blood off me,
408
00:17:40,042 --> 00:17:42,582
and still get to
the club before last call
409
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,630
'cause it's Friday night!
410
00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:48,710
[laughing]
411
00:17:48,792 --> 00:17:49,542
The W.B. !
412
00:17:50,250 --> 00:17:52,000
W.B. ?
413
00:17:52,083 --> 00:17:54,383
Man, you told me this [bleep]
was for HBO., man.
414
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:56,955
Ain't dying for no damn W.B.
415
00:17:57,292 --> 00:17:58,542
Look, it's Paul.
416
00:17:59,167 --> 00:18:01,577
He's always been so helpful
to me, such a loyal friend.
417
00:18:02,375 --> 00:18:03,325
Word?
418
00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:05,707
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening,
what did you say?
419
00:18:05,792 --> 00:18:06,882
I had some
titties on my neck.
420
00:18:06,932 --> 00:18:11,482
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