All language subtitles for Episode 08 Politics Aside

My first announcement is one

I think you've all been waiting for.

Politicians have been
lying and bullshitting

and flip-flopping
since the beginning of time.

I am the president.

Only I need to understand.

I am mostly pissed off

that not enough people are pissed off.

That's...

Politicians are very visible
and they tend to be liars,

which is great,
so you can really go after them.

I fucking hate those assholes.

It's making me angry
and I feel like screaming.

But I'm unsure about how far my neck veins

can safely bulge out of my neck.

Political humor, now that
it's become such a farce,

it's hard to outdo it.

Yes, this is real life.

This is really happening.

I cannot believe the men and women

that we have chosen to be our leaders.

You watch the in-house footage
of these congressional hearings,

and I think, "What sort of empty-headed

Pez-dispenser séance am I watching here?"

Politics is one of the most egregiously

hypocritical areas of society

and thus great fodder for comedy.

In the White House, in the Oval Office,

on the wall,

Obama has the original copy

of the Emancipation Proclamation.

Well, yeah, which I'm
pretty sure is just there

in case the Tea Party is like,
"We don't think you're free."

"All right, look at the wall."

Politicians are so loathsome,
but we're stuck with them.

We can't prosecute all of them,

so let's at least mock them.

I believe, if you can't say
something nice about somebody,

you must be talking about Hillary Clinton.

Donald Trump, oh, my God.

Donald Trump is like the nagging cough

that has turned into full-blown AIDS.

You know what I'm saying?

I think every political comedian
feels their role is different.

It's very clear now
that we have political comedians

who are actually acting as advocates

and also really feel like it's important

to speak truth to power.

I ended up doing political comedy,

because when I'm angry, I'm -- I'm funny.

That just seems to be the deal.

And politicians make me really angry.

Democrats and Republicans believe

that what they tell you about the fact

is actually the fact itself.

And it isn't a fucking fact!

We don't have anything to lose.

We don't have to worry that the White House

isn't going to give us access.

We already don'thave access,

so we can say whatever we want.

The reason that comedians pick on politics,

it's almost like a prayer.

"Hey, could you maybe
not steer us off of a cliff,

but the only way that I can
maybe keep you on it

is to make you look ridiculous

so you'll stop what you're doing."

I feel like George Bush

can bring about the biblical apocalypse.

Because here's the thing --

I don't think Bush wants to be president.

I think he wants to be the lastpresident!

Entering that realm puts you

into a battleground situation also,

with those who find what you're saying funny

and relate to it 'cause they agree with you,

and those that disagree with you,

who don't find it funny or find it offensive.

Well, until Jon Stewart
and Colbert and Bill Maher,

the best political satire
was basically cartoonists.

Just simply drawing someone in a ludicrous way,

in and of itself, brings them down.

Of course those things influence people,

because most of us aren't good readers.

We like a little grab.

It's the pin in the balloon.

It's puncturing pomposity
and showing that the emperor

has no clothes, things of that sort.

Herblock did much more
than just puncture pomposity,

he illuminated hypocrisy.

During the Watergate years,

they were very incisive,
very intelligent cartoons

that Herblock wrote.

And being from D.C.,

and running from "The Washington Post"

that broke that story,
made it even more important,

because it's one of
the few places in a newspaper

where you can tell it like it is.

So, in the end, Herblock had a great deal

to do with Nixon coming down.

He had a lot of people
who would complain to him,

"That was outrageous!"

He had one answer every time.
He'd say, "But it's true."

Franklin --
I can call you "Franklin"?

Years ago, it was frowned upon then,

to make fun of the people running the country.

They won't let anyone talk politics in here,

because this stadium
was dedicated to art, sports,

and, uh, any, uh, useful enterprises.

And that's...

Now, Mr. Nixon won easily,
and he wasn't even campaigning,

which shows you how well a politician can do

if he keeps his mouth shut.

Here we are.

Reagan and Carter, huh?

Mark Russell would get up at his piano

and make gentle fun at politicians,

but so gentle that he could

then go hang out with them afterwards.

I would get criticized more often

for being too gentle
than for being too harsh.

I was not a bomb-thrower.
I was not an anarchist.

I was too safe.

I kept seeing pictures

of Kennedy and Khrushchev together,

which they looked like
they needed a new caption.

The pictures were funny.

It looked like, "Dad,
may I have keys to the car?

I..."

Mort Sahl was overtly political and partisan.

The idea of a comedian really taking a stand,

having a point of view,
this was something new.

When John Kennedy became president,

Mort Sahl was doing bits about Kennedy,

many of them very hard-hitting,
and people were surprised.

He just saw himself as the guy whose job it was

to go after whoever was in power,

be they Republican, Democrat.

Do you have an agent now?

No, and I can't get one.

No one will --
No one will handle you?

The last agent I had was Freddie Fields,

who was, you know, a very able
fellow, creative management.

He said to me, "No agent can help you

in the position you're in."

I like a comedian who I'm truly not sure

what side he's going to be on an issue.

I'm not a fan of the stand-up comedian

that just reaffirms the status quo.

Do you believe entertainers
should have opinions

and should express them?
Oh, yeah.

Well, definitely, they got to have opinions,

I mean, like everybody else.

Do you think entertainers should
exert political influence?

If they want to.

"The Smothers Brothers,"

you know, this was during the '60s,

and to be on television at that time

and to talk about the Vietnam War,

the censors were after them all the time.

Gee, Sarge, I understand now.

I'm not afraid anymore.

I can kill!

But I still can't vote.

"The Smothers Brothers" was a great show,

but it was taken off the air.

If CBS has its way, when we
don't go on the air anymore

and there's nothing said about it,

nobody else will come forward.

There's no one in the business
trying to do anything

that steps out or say anything.

When the government starts censoring us,

that's a real, genuine problem.

Censoring an artist is the ultimate obscenity.

With his good-natured ribbing
of the First Family,

Mr. Vaughn Meader.

Well,

I think Senator Goldwater is a fine man.

I think he'd make a fine candidate in '64 --

1864.
I don't...

Vaughn Meader had come out
with a record called

"The First Family," in which parodied JFK,

but it was still a new thing

to make fun of the president at all.

He's doing my gestures,

and he's using my lines.

"Do not ask what this country
can do for you" --

That's one of my original lines.

Yeah, I listened to Mr. Meader's record,

but I thought it sounded more like Teddy

than it did me, but...

There's something very charmingly American

about this idea that we really respect

our political figures, but at the same time,

we also kind of like to take them down a peg.

Gerald Ford was like a football player.

Like, he's like a really great athlete.

But in the public's mind,

once Chevy started doing Gerald Ford,

I mean, try getting that
toothpaste back in the tube.

I do have two major announcements to make.

Whoop! Uh-oh!

No problem, no problem, nope.

As a kid, I didn't know anything
about President Ford,

I thought, "Oh, he's a clumsy idiot."

No problem.

Chevy's Ford,

there was no attempt to make him look like Ford.

He just played sort of
a fatuous stumblebum.

Chevy's portrayal may
have made a difference.

Will President Ford win again in '76?

I don't think so. Do you?

My name is Jimmy Carter...

and I'm running for president.

"Saturday Night Live,"
for a lot of its existence,

has defined the comedic take on the president.

Well, I personally try to be a --

a lusty, zesty kind of president.

And further --

Hi, baby, how are you?

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Come on, Lisa, come on.

Bye-bye.
Lisa: Bye.

Back to work!

Whoever is doing an impression of the president

on "Saturday Night Live,"

that becomes everybody's
impression of the president.

Lobster Boy, I feel your pain.

Ah!
Man, it's cool!

I'm going to be president.
That's wicked.

Will Ferrell's depiction of George W. Bush,

in my opinion, made him seem cooler,

made him seem a lot more relatable

and, you know, maybe a little silly,

but, you know, warm-hearted.

Well, we got to get ready to debate Al Gore.

Polls say you're neck-and-neck.

I'm a uniter, not a divider.

I'm a uniter, not a divider.

I'm a uniter, not a divider.

Snap out of it!

Everybody knew that Bush was sort of challenged

when it came to the English language.

"Strategery."

But Darrell's Gore said something

that was not helpful to Gore.

Rather than squander the surplus

on a risky tax cut for the wealthy,

I would put it in what I call a lockbox.

A sort of slightly superior
repetition of "lockbox"

sort of said something
to Americans about Gore

that is responsible
for the 500 votes in Florida.

I love those hockey moms.

You know, they say the difference

between a hockey mom and a pit bull?

Lipstick.

Democrats were petrified of Sarah Palin.

She had a rousing speech
at the Republican Convention,

and it took Tina Fey putting on a wig.

She was really the takedown of Sarah Palin.

It was Tiny Fey that took her down.

Oh, are we not doing the talent portion?

How will you solve

the financial crisis, being a maverick?

You know, we're gonna take

every aspect of the crisis and look at it,

and then we're gonna ask ourselves,

"What would a maverick do in this situation?"

One study just out

showed Sarah Palin's favorability rating

dropped a few points after viewers watched

an "SNL" spoof of the governor.

I think that Tina Fey destroyed
that woman's political career.

Destroyed it.

God bless her.

We're doomed!

We need a revolution!

Millions of people on the streets!

And we got to do something!

And we got to do it now!

Aw!

After the first debate,

my agent called me on the phone

and I started talking like Bernie.

And he said, "Oh, my God, that's so funny."

He said, "You should make
a video, put it on the Internet,

blah, blah, hits," and all this.

I said, "Nah, it's not that kind of --

I don't want to do that."

I said, "You know, it's more of an 'SN--'"

Before I even got the "L" out of my mouth,

he -- he hung up the phone.

And 10 minutes later, Lorne Michaels called,

so that -- that was it.

Oh, my God, Mr. Bernie Sanders!

Oh, I'm your biggest fan!

And I'm telling you, I'm feeling the Bern.

Eh.
That -- That's okay.

Caricatures are fun,

because you don't have to give the backstory.

You can get right to the punch line.

You know what Donald Trump is.

I'm going to start this debate

in the quietest voice possible.

In the past, I have been big and loud,

but tonight, I am a sweet, little Baby Trump.

I think, when it's done well, it's just --

it's just funny, it's entertaining.

"SNL" is a topical show,

where they deal
with what people are looking at.

And in an election cycle, that's
what people are looking at.

Just seems to make sense.

Our first question is for you,

and it is about reproductive rights.

They're ripping babies out of vaginas!

Oh, my God!

Trump is fun, 'cause
Trump's just saying rubbish.

And Hillary's a little shifty.

It's not just the person
doing a great impersonation,

it's got to be a great person
to impersonate.

That's the power of "SNL."

It's been a de facto branding
of political candidates.

Has "SNL" ever really
changed somebody's vote?

That's a question that
I think about all the time.

Got it!

Good morning.

And we still don't have a winner.

Cable news turned politics into sport.

They became so predictable and partisan

that it left this vacuum of like,

"Is anyone going to talk about
what's actuallygoing on?"

The president boasted,

at the top of his
press conference last night

that we had the support
now of Britain and Spain

for our attack on Iraq, because, you know,

when you want to make it
perfectly clear to the world

that you're not an imperialist,

the people you want in your corner

are Britain and Spain.

He was before Jon Stewart,

and he was the young, hip, hot,
"telling it like it is" guy.

Did you see that press conference?

I don't want to say
there was nothing new there,

but at one point, the closed captioning

actually said, "Blah, blah, blah, blah."

That is really a political show.

He doesn't even make
any bones about the fact

that he's going right into the teeth of it.

Please?
Please, Ralph!

Don't run for president.
Please, Ralph!

Because you're a great American!

Please!
Don't do this to the country!

Don't run!
Please!

Bill Maher takes the "Meet the Press,"

"talking heads around a table" format,

and he turns it on its head.

He says the shit
that no one else is gonna say,

and he does it in an entertaining way.

Over the next month, let us know

which of these bloated ticks
on America's hide

needs to be burnt off

with the mighty cigarette of democracy.

Mostly, comedians try to stay in the middle

so they can appeal to both sides,

but Bill is fearless.

I think Colin Powell could be the guy,

if he wanted to, to run against Obama.

Boy, that would make Russia's head explode.

Two black...

He's got a point of view,
It's not a straight line.

He's not just a straight-up lefty.

He does criticize both sides.

Sweet Grandma Hillary?

She'd have done fine in 2008,

but this year, the voters
are not in the mood

for "Steady as she goes."

They're pitchfork angry,

and they don't want America's Nicest Grandma.

You've been pretty tough
on President Obama, too.

Yeah, I mean, that's my job,

is to hold their feet to the fire,

no matter what party and who's in power.

He's as loved as he is hated,
so he's doing it right.

Jon Stewart changed the face

of late-night comedy in America,

and he altered the trajectory
of political humor.

You wonder sometimes how our government

puts on its pants in the morning.

The value of satire and comedy,

when it regards the government,

is important in the sense of,
by finding the funny of --

of the situation that is happening,

we find the truth.

I was not elected to serve one party.

You were not elected.

That was a turning point.

The elections?

Not for the country,

for "Comedy Central."

For us, it was a turning point, yeah.

Saddam Hussein has gone to elaborate lengths

to build and keep weapons of mass destruction.

It was the first George W. Bush term.

The Iraq War was just starting.

There was the sense of everybody

kind of blindly going toward this thing

and nobody really being willing to criticize.

And Jon Stewart, he was willing
to call it like he saw it.

Osama bin Laden declared war on America,

and then came the attacks.

How I wish the administration,

at that time, in those years,
had done something.

Yes.

Although I think there were
other warnings, too,

that came later.

I believe the title was,

"Bin Laden determined to attack
inside the United States."

Oh, that was it.

I think that was the one.

I think that was the name of it.

He was really adept at serving it up

to show either hypocrisy, abuse of power,

and it connected for people.

Is tonight the night
that they exploit 9/11,

or is tonight

inspired, empty promises for the future?

I love to have a story broken down for me

in a different way.

The news can get really dark,
the deeper you go.

That's why I loved Jon so much.

That's why I loved
"The Daily Show" so much.

You're doing theater

when you should be doing debate,

which would be great.

What you do is not honest.
What you do is partisan hackery.

You have got to be kidding me!

You're on CNN!
The show that leads into me

is "Puppets Making Crank Phone Calls."

What is wrong with you?

All the comedians that
came out of Stewart's shop --

the Larry Wilmores, the John Olivers,

the Samantha Bees --
they're saying what they feel,

they're very passionate, they're very pointed,

and often very partisan,

and I think they make no bones about it.

On this show, your voice will be heard

in the form of myvoice.

'Cause you're looking at
a straight shooter, America.

I tell it like it is,
I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

I will speak to you in plain, simple English.

And that's brings us to tonight's word --

"truthiness."

What Colbert did was remarkable,

because he was playing a very arch character

that was obviously based
on Fox News personalities.

Caution -- You are about to
enter the "No Spin Zone."

This is all an act.

You're breaking my heart, Bill.

I'm sensitive, I'm --
You know, I'm a good citizen --

If you're an act, then what am I?

Ooh.

But with this character,

he was improvising everything in real time

from an inverse point of view.

A lot of right wingers
thought that Colbert actually

is a Republican and he's just cheeky.

They didn't know that it was a joke.

I mean, come on.

President Bush --

great president or the greatest president?

He did that classic satire thing.

"I'm going to make my points
through the other side."

Are you familiar with what we do here?

I am.
Okay.

There are comedians who have the credibility

and have the ability to tap into things

that are happening right this second, you know?

It couldn't be more urgent,

it couldn't be more on people's minds.

They want somebody to say something about it.

So we turn to them,
and we're so desperate for it

that it then spills out
into the society also.

Do you think it's fair to say
that the majority of lobbyists

are like, good, average people and moms?

Yes.
What?

What are you talking about?

I feel like you're living
in a fantasy world.

Do birds dress you every morning?

You can say the things that journalists

literally can't say on camera.

They do have to be professional about it.

I do not have to be professional about it.

I am making a comedy show.

My job is much easier.

Political comedy has become

a part of the mainstream discussion.

I've called you Dick, and I've called you

Mr. Vice President and Mr. Nixon.

And I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be so informal on the air.

What should I --
What would be proper --

What should I call you?

Well, Jack, I wouldn't
really worry about that.

I've been called everything, so...

The intersection of politics and comedy,

especially on late night, is a two-way street.

On the one hand, the audience

and the shows themselves are interested

to get to know politicians,

but I think that there's a pull

for politicians to use that vehicle

as a way of humanizing themselves.

The first job of the candidate is get elected,

and sometimes you'll see
the most dignified men

do some of the craziest things.

Good evening.
I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.

Good evening.
I'm Gerald Ford, and you're not.

The public likes to feel

that that individual who holds the office,

or that individual who's hoping
to achieve the office,

is kind of one of them.

When Bill Clinton played
the saxophone on "Arsenio,"

he doesn't look like a presidential candidate.

He looks like the guy

that would be a guest on that show.

One of the reasons Clinton was successful was

he had some ability
to connect with popular culture.

The big man.

Since we have a deficit that's enormous

and that needs to be brought down,

I think we have to raise some more money.

You can't raise money on the middle class,

'cause their taxes went up
and their incomes went down

in the '80s.

It's definitely part of the campaign trail

for a politician to be on late night,

to be on "SNL."

It's just become part of the job.

Are you tired of this campaign at this point?

I know Iam.

A lot of what has happened is

we're just more familiar
with our public figures

in all sorts of ways.

The 44th president of the United States.

Please welcome President Barack Obama.

President Obama was
the first sitting president

to go on a late-night talk show.

Now it's inconceivable
that a presidential candidate

wouldn'tgo on a late-night talk show.

When is the dog coming?
I keep hearing about the dog.

Listen, this is Washington...

...that was a campaign promise.

Oh, wow! Wow! Man!

No, no, no, no, no.

Politics is, and always has been,

a performing art.

And it is ego-dominated,

it is needy, it is narcissistic.

All the going on shows, this is nothing new.

This is just a form of baby kissing,

loosening your tie, rolling up your sleeves

to show you're a regular guy.

I host a talk show,

and I love having politicians on,

because you can ask them personal questions.

These are things that
you don't typically see

when they're on "60 Minutes"
or a show like that.

I know you support states' rights

and legalized marijuana.

You'll also said you've
smoked it a couple times,

and it's not your thing.

What is your thing?
Do you have a thing?

Yeah, my thing is my grandchildren.

Your grandchildren, yeah.
I have --

You smoke your grandchildren?!

They want to see that you have
a sense of humor about yourself

and that you're human.

That's all they want to see.

They don't want you to be
a master of dialects.

That's not their idea of the president.

Comedy shows -- I just don't
see the president

going on one of those.

They're beneath his dignity.

When President Obama took office,

the general plan,

if you had a piece of policy
you wanted to pass,

an agenda item, was either do

a straight news interview
or do a big speech

or some combination of those things.

And those are still valuable,
but the difference now

is there are just more tools in the toolbox.

You can create your own content.

You want to reach audiences

where they're consuming

their information and
their news and entertainment.

Sorry I had to cancel a few times.
I just...

A president is president

in a completely new media landscape

where you have kids who don't
even watch television anymore.

They're watching stuff
on their mobile devices.

Good to be with you, Zach.

Obamacare was already sort of vilified

by half the country.

We needed a watercooler
moment to say, "Yes,

we know the website didn't work,

but it works now."

The president realized
that in order to communicate,

you have to do it
in the venues where people are.

And with "Between Two Ferns,"

you had a program that, you know,

tens of millions of people watched.

What is it like to be
the last black president?

Seriously?

What's it like for this

to be the last time
you ever talkto a president?

It must kind of stink, though,

that you can't run, you know, three times?

No, actually, I think it's a good idea.

You know, if I ran a third time,

it would be sort of like doing
a third "Hangover" movie.

Didn't really work out very well, did it?

The big thing with it was,

it was actually funny,

and I couldn't believe
that I was actually laughing.

How long has you had that?
Oh, just four months.

Zach, you -- you need to get
that checked right away.

You need to get on healthcare.gov,

because that --
that's one of

the most disgusting things I've ever seen.

Is your plug finally over?

We need to have separation from these people.

And I think, whenever they come on,

it sort of says like,

"Hey, I'm in on the joke, I'm okay."

And some of these people aren't okay.

Trump returns to NBC this weekend

to host "Saturday Night Live,"

in spite of growing protests.

When public figures cross certain lines,

they should lose their privileges

to host TV shows.

Yes!
Donald Trump, everybody!

Yes, it can humanize people

that some people say shouldn't be humanized.

Of course, always half of the people

say that person shouldn't be humanized.

Aww! Trump can be a total sweetheart

with someone who has no reason
to be terrified of him.

Huh.

I notice there were
no cutaway shots to The Roots.

I wonder why.

Network execs...

Yeah.

Especially now, comedians
have more of a responsibility

because they have more power than before.

You can reach people with comedy,

and you know, it all goes back to "Spider-Man."

Right?

You know, with great power
comes great responsibility.

And so I think more and more comedians

are asking themselves,
"How do I want to use my comedy

for something beyond just getting a laugh?"

Is there anything to
people giving you a hard time

for being too soft on Trump
with your questions?

Yeah, um, never.

I mean, have you seen my show?

No, I --
I'm never --

I'm never too hard on anyone, yeah.

Stay tuned to "The 1/2 Hour News Hour,"

coming up next, right here
on the Fox News Channel.

And if you don't, we'll invade your countries,

kill your leaders, and
convert you to Christianity.

Why camp conservatives
make a funny comedy show,

I don't know.

I do not know.

I'm sure they're just hilarious
in their own way.

"The 1/2 Hour News Hour,"

may offend the following:
the left; the far left;

in fact, anyone standing to the left...

Whether you're a Tea Party guy

or an Occupy Wall Street guy,

I think that there's
opportunities to find humor.

There's a lot of comedians
on the right side of the aisle

that do a really great job at it, as well.

Do you think our Founding Fathers

would have put up with any of this shit?

They were blowing people's heads off

because they put a tax
on their breakfast beverage.

You can be on the right and just be talking

and not have to identify
yourselves as the right.

What is the Blue Collar Comedy Tour,

other than Right-Wing Comedy Tour?

"We need to do something
about the way we live

and we heating up the Earth."
Oh, shut up.

"Well, you seen what happened
in Washington, D.C. --

27 inches of snow.
Explain that."

All right, February.
How's that?

Entertainers tend to be
left-wing in their politics.

And the reason for that is
it's a happier message.

They are audience pleasers,

even those who make a point
of "upsetting" the audience.

As a right-wing hatemonger,

it's fantastic to be
at a big Hollywood shindig

with all these glittering celebrities

that isn't a fundraiser for Obama.

Historically, what we would call
right-wing politics

tends to be more about
protecting the status quo.

And I think good comedy is about
attacking the status quo,

questioning it, challenging it, satirizing it.

And in just eight years,

I've given you enough material for 20years.

The president does this speech every year

at the White House Correspondents' dinner.

Historically speaking,
this is the most, like,

disgusting display of elites in a room together.

Right?

It's journalists, members of Congress,

cabinet members.

And the president typically does this speech

that makes them all laugh.
So it's all inside jokes.

And they're all kind of
toasting to their power.

It's kind of the worst
of Washington, is this speech.

How about another hand for the president?

You have this mix of reporters

who know all the ins and outs
of every political story.

Then you have all these celebrity guests,

and they're coming in
with a totally different sense.

And so figuring out

what's going to appeal to everyone

is definitely tricky.

Ladies and gentlemen,
here with a special edition

of "The Colbert Report," Stephen Colbert.

I think if you show up

at the press correspondents' dinner,

you better go for the throat
and you better risk being booed.

And that's what I loved
about what Colbert did.

I believe the government that governs best

is the government that governs least.

And by these standards,

we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

Stephen Colbert

at that White House Correspondents' dinner,

I watched with deep jealousy.

Here he was, doing
subversive, brilliant humor,

not just about, but to,
a sitting commander in chief.

It's not easy to stand up

in front of a roomful of people

who you know you're going to
say crazy things about.

It's very difficult.

He delivered it, and it was fantastic

and we all appreciated it.

I certainly did.

This administration is not sinking.

This administration is soaring.

If anything, they are rearranging

the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.

I watched it at home,

and they cut away to the audience,

and they're just...

"Huh? What, what?"

They didn't get the joke.

So you're screwed from jump street.

But it was his character.

That's what the character does.

What -- Who did you buy?

Thank you very much.
Good night.

I don't know if it's a good thing

that comedians and politicians
get together in that room,

because I think it definitely makes you

pull your punches a little bit.

It was Bush's last one.

I was sitting on the dais

and I was going to open with this joke,

and I got talked out of it
by a lot of people.

"It's so great to be here
with Bush and Cheney,

and all this, 'cause this lineup

won't be seen again until the trial."

And -- And they said,
"No, don't do that joke."

And I wish I'd done that fucking joke.

I can't tell you how excited
I am to be here tonight.

Now, I realize many of you
may not share that excitement,

given that you have no idea who I am.

That's a very odd night,

because I've done it a couple times.

You know, that's kind of a tough room.

Even though his poll numbers
are at an historic low,

the speaker is writing another book.

Once again, he's taking a $1 advance,

um, not voluntarily.

That's the most he could get.

They're as uptight as a group can be.

You could do whatever you want
to open a sphincter --

all right? --
and it's not gonna happen.

In Washington, there are people
who live to be offended.

Comedians don't live to be offended.

They live to offend.

Hosting the White House
Correspondents' dinner

was the most scared
I've ever been as a performer,

with the exception of my first appearance

on the "Letterman Show."

Mr. President, you remember --

Remember when the country
rallied around you

in hopes of a better tomorrow?

That was hilarious.

That was your best one yet.

Jordan and I were just
like, "This is not fair.

Obama should be able to say what he wants,

but because of the climate of the world

and the racial spectrum

that we live in, in the United States,

he can't, so we'll do it for him."

I invited Luther, my anger translator,

to join me here tonight.

We knew that this was something

President Obama was really going to enjoy.

He may have felt that he could
use an anger translator,

for real, a few times,
and now he actually had one.

We count on the press

to shed light on the most
important issues of the day.

And we can count on Fox News

to terrify old white people with some nonsense!

It was amazing, it was earth-shattering.

The best way to describe
the feeling is "satisfaction."

The nonstop focus on billionaire donors

creates real problems for our democracy.

And that's why we running for a third term!

No, no, no, we're not.
W-We're not?

No.
Who the hell said that?!

Donald Trump is here tonight.

I had just started at the White House,

and I got the final draft.

And it had all this new stuff
about Donald Trump

that Judd Apatow and Jon Lovett
had written together.

I just remember thinking like, "Whoa,

this is going to be a lot different

than the draft I saw before that."

Just recently,

in a episode of "Celebrity Apprentice,"

you, Mr. Trump, fired Gary Busey.

And these are the kind of decisions

that would keep me up at night.

You do find the correspondents' dinner

where the president goes up to that line

and doesn't cross it.

And you have folks who go to that line

and absolutely do cross it.

Donald Trump has been saying
that he will run for president

as a Republican, which is surprising,

since I just assumed
he was running as a joke.

Comedians can say things
that other people can't say.

They're allowed to be furious

in a way that politicians are not.

At the correspondents' dinner
that Seth Meyers hosted,

I wrote with him on it.

And I thought that we
sort of hobbled Trump,

but it turns out that's his origin story.

It was that night he apparently
decided to run for president.

So I'm sorry.

I humbly and gratefully accept

your nomination

for the presidency of the United States.

Well, here we are, ladies and gentlemen --

the end of the election.

Can you believe it?

What a year tonight has been.

Right now --

I know you guys don't have your
phones or anything in here --

but right now, the election
is too close to call

and too terrifying to contemplate.

The huge story is that Trump

has outperformed expectations in early results.

The -- Nay, this one is a nail-biter

and a passport-grabber.

It's nice to be able to laugh
in the face of something

that you think is really serious.

You can go down
a crazy rabbit hole of feelings

about certain issues or people.

You need levity.

6 more electoral votes
for Donald Trump this evening.

228-209.

He's now on the doorstep of 270 electoral votes.

Wow. Wow.

That's a horrifying prospect.

I can't put a --
I cannot put a -- a --

I can't put a happy face on that,

and -- and that's my job.

CNN can report that Hillary Clinton

has called Donald Trump to concede the race.

I don't necessarily think
that comedy can change minds,

but I do believe that if
you're on a tipping point,

then you can give someone ammunition,

and that ammunition is conversation.

In general, I am hopeful for President Trump,

because hope is always
the best possible path to take.

And one thing that makes me hopeful is.

we know from interviews
he's given over the years,

that he has, at any given point,

held every position on every issue.

He's been pro-choice, pro-life,

for the Iraq War, against the Iraq War.

Pretty much his only consistent position

has been anti-Rosie O'Donnell.

If it makes people see things
through a different lens,

that's great.
It's beneficial.

I don't want to say it's not beneficial.

But if I thought that
that was our main goal,

we would just stop doing jokes
and collapse inwardly.

And please don't even think of
writing something stupid like,

"What a lucky break a Trump
presidency is for comedians.

The jokes just write themselves."

No, no, no, shut up.

Jokes don't write themselves.

Jews write jokes, and
they are scared shitless.

The only responsibility
is to tell the story correctly,

to get your facts straight,

so that you have that credibility.

The show is not intended to make change.

And you know, it's not.

That's not my intention.
That's not my job.

Our job is to do a comedy show
that's interesting.

I think, if a man gets up
and says he's going to lead,

you know, the greatest country in the world,

180 million people,

he is subject to analysis
and sometimes criticism.

I think that's fair.
After all, he has

the compensation of the country to play with,

for between four and eight years.

The goal of comedy is
to entertain and be funny,

to tap in to commentary
about what's going on,

either politicians specifically
or media coverage.

That's where it starts to resonate for people

on a deeper level.

And we're angry and we're crazy
for exactly the same reason,

because the Democrats make us angry

and the Republicans make us crazy.

Or switch it around, if you wish.

Whatever makes you fucking laugh.

You know, the power of comedy,

when it comes to politics, in my opinion,

is just getting people to pay attention.

Young people generally
don't care about politics,

so when you get them laughing,

hopefully, you're getting them to the polls,

getting them caring about issues

that they can actually have an impact on.

But, look, you know what?

I do understand that any country
that lets me run my mouth

the way I do in public deserves to be saved.

I'm trying.

If you're good, you are a truth-sayer.

And even though you're doing it with humor,

you're going right up to the line,

so it's a very, very courageous thing to do.

Comedy and politics --
we're married.

It shows the true spirit
of what our democracy is.

You know, we're not afraid

to make fun of the people that are in power.

I think that's beautiful.

What are your impressions of the night

that is the White House Correspondents' --

Do you think that Donald Trump

will invite me to be his comedian?

Oh!
I can't wait to find out.

You go to the Democratic Convention,

you got Sarah Silverman
up there being real funny.

And then you go to the Republican one,

and you're getting Chachi.

Is it Chachi?
I think it was Chachi.

The transition from comedian to senator

made sense to me.

Not so much right away

to voters in Minnesota.

I won the first one by 312 votes,

which, that's funny.