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1
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Reese, I just bought that for you. Will you look at..
2
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Give it to me. Let me see what I can do with it.
3
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I sneezed in Chem lab and spilled acid on it.
4
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I'm not wearing these stupid shorts anymore.
5
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Everyone's making fun of me.
6
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A denim tie. How cool is that?
7
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No way!
8
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No way! That's awesome.
9
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Okay. I can't wait to see you.
10
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No, I can't wait to see you more.
11
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No, I can't wait to see you more.
12
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Okay, you win.
13
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All right, Cindy's only a few blocks away
14
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so everybody calm down.
15
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When she gets here, just try to be cool.
16
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I want to make a good impression.
17
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Do I have a bat in the hanger?
18
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You've asked me five times. The answer's still yes.
19
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So, this is pretty exciting, Reese.
20
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- When did you meet this girl?
- I haven't actually met her.
21
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Her cousin goes to school with me
22
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and Cindy saw me at the dance last week and thought I was hot.
23
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Oh, well, I don't blame her.
24
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I mean, forgetting I'm your mother for a minute
25
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if I saw you walking down the street
26
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I would think, "There is one hot guy.
27
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Cindy and I talked on the phone almost every night last week
28
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and we totally have the same sense of humor.
29
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She said she saw me put the plastic dog
30
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poop in the punch bowl at the school dance
31
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and we both agreed that the real stuff
32
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would have been funnier.
33
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You put plastic poop in the punch bowl?
34
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Once again, you completely miss the point.
35
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So, what kind of loser would want to go out with you?
36
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- This kind of loser.
- Wow.
37
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And if she kisses half as good as her picture does
38
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this is going to be sweet.
39
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Okay, there she is. Everybody, get outta here.
40
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No, wait. She'll probably want to meet you.
41
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Okay, you can stay, just don't say anything stupid.
42
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How's my hair? Can you smell my pits?
43
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Why'd you let me put on this stupid shirt?
44
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Reese, relax. All you have to do is just be yourself.
45
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You're right, Mom.
46
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Thanks.
47
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Enjoy your date, Reese!
48
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Bye, Reese!
49
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And the pig was actually wearing lipstick?
50
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Reese was devastated.
51
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I can just imagine. And-And I don't like it.
52
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No, no, no, not one little bit.
53
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Now, what is it that you want me to do?
54
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Look, I know that Reese has not been a model student
55
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and once again, I want to apologize for your tires.
56
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And your mailbox. And your lawn fountain.
57
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But, what those girls did is just cruel
58
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and I need to see them punished.
59
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All right, you let me see what I can find out.
60
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Now, these girls are obviously quite clever.
61
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I mean, where do you even find a pig?
62
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And then we have to get it over to your house, and
63
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put makeup on it.
64
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Reese was completely blindsided, huh?
65
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You know what? I have had it.
66
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How would you like it if I called the Superintendent
67
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and told him all about this?
68
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Great. I'll put him on the speaker phone.
69
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Unbelievable.
70
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I've never witnessed anything like that in my entire life.
71
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Well, there's no excuse for it.
72
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How did an immature jerk like that
73
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get to be principal of a high school, Hal? How?
74
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- Well, with what they..
- He actually laughed.
75
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He couldn't care less that our son is curled up
76
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on his bed and completely devastated by this.
77
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Honey, I think you actually got chunks of
78
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cutting board in the salad.
79
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Well, I happen to be very upset, Hal.
80
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I'm-I'm upset, too.
81
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And this principal sounds like a real idiot
82
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but you-you've talked to him
83
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and if he's not going to do anything about it
84
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I don't see what else we can do.
85
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Well, you know what, Hal?
86
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That's just unacceptable to me.
87
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It's just the way it is.
88
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Kids do cruel things to each other.
89
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But, you know, they bounce back when you're young.
90
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,960
And I actually think that Reese is coming around a little bit.
91
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,480
Well, I brought him soup yesterday,
and he couldn't even make a sound.
92
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Now, I really..
93
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,760
I really think things are going to turn out okay.
94
00:04:56,520 --> 00:05:00,560
Are you trying to calm me down?
95
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No.
96
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I just don't think
97
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it leads anywhere good when you get like this.
98
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:11,400
Get like what?
99
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:16,280
- Well, you know.
- No, I don't know.
100
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:18,680
How is it I get?
101
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:23,000
- Well..
- If I have a problem
102
00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,680
I would love for you to explain it to me.
103
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:36,000
You know what, honey? This seems like a, a longer conversation
104
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and it just so happens
105
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that I am right in the middle of a project in the garage.
106
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I'm fixing that drawer from our bathroom cabinet.
107
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You know how you've always had to keep your makeup brushes
108
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in the pockets of your robe?
109
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,520
Well, I finally got around to it, and wouldn't you know
110
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it's time for that second gluing.
111
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:51,680
But if you let it dry too much
112
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you might as well make a bird's nest out of it.
113
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But then I'd have to sand it and paint it
114
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and that's a whole different megillah.
115
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But when I'm done, we will roll up our sleeves
116
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and we will get through this.
117
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I mean, if you have to vent, go ahead.
118
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I am your sounding board.
119
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I don't care if you have to bite my head off.
120
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It's okay, it's what I'm here for.
121
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I am your rock.
122
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You've always been there for me, and I'll be there for you
123
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even though physically, I may be in the garage
124
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and you in the kitchen.
125
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No matter where I am, I am there.
126
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I want names.
127
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How many were there?
128
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Good. At least you can hear me now.
129
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Just nod when you see one.
130
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Kristin? It's okay.
131
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She can't hurt you now.
132
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You just love that beautiful hair
133
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don't you, sweetie?
134
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Damn this drawer!
135
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What do you want from me?
136
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,480
And you can kiss that baby goodbye.
137
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:45,240
Another walk-off home run for Hal, and the crowd is on its feet.
138
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Hal! Hal!
139
00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:06,600
I can't take this anymore, Reese.
140
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You have to stop this and get on with your life.
141
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Did I remind you of your life?
142
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Look, Reese. It's my ant farm.
143
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I've been raising them for months.
144
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I know all their names and love each and every one of them.
145
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Here, have fun.
146
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,320
Why does everything I love always turn into a pig?
147
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Hey, I've got it. You'll love this.
148
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Today at lunch, Rick Jensen sat in beef stew.
149
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And then spilled lemonade on his crotch.
150
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It was a perfect storm.
151
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Kids were coming from other schools to laugh at him.
152
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Was he able to get his pants clean?
153
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Come on, Reese.
154
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You should get back to bed.
155
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I'll bet his mom wasn't able to get his pants clean.
156
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,680
Hi, Malcolm. How was school?
157
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Okay, I guess.
158
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Well, there was this one weird thing.
159
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This girl named Kristin
160
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she's one of the girls that picked on Reese.
161
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You're not going to believe what happened to her.
162
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Oh, my gosh!
163
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Oh, my God!
164
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My hair! Oh, my God.
165
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Oh, my God!
166
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Who did this?! Who did this?!
167
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They tried to get it all out, but I heard the janitor ended up
168
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having to cut off all her hair with a hedge trimmer. - Really?
169
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That's terrible.
170
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People can be so cruel.
171
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Oh, absolutely.
172
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I know, exactly.
173
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No, Kristin could not stop sobbing.
174
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I'm IM'ing her right now. She's a complete wreck.
175
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I know. Did you see her without her hair?
176
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You know, I never realized she had such a tiny head.
177
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Oh, but you know what the best part is?
178
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Now Dylan's available.
179
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Does he?
180
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No. Get out!
181
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Okay, rookie, show me what you got.
182
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Okay, at least we know you're not on steroids.
183
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:35,880
Mom, what are you doing here?
184
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I'm here to pick up some things for Reese.
185
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You know, so he can catch up on his schoolwork.
186
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,960
- I hope you rented a truck.
- You know what?
187
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:44,600
Everyone seems very amused by your brother's pain.
188
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Well, I think people better start thinking twice.
189
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Oh, my God!
190
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,280
Who did this?
191
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:00,840
Moppet?
192
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,240
Baby?
193
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No! God!
194
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It's you!
195
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There you are.
196
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:19,920
You took off so fast from school
197
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:22,000
we didn't get a chance to talk about what happened to Diane.
198
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:23,520
I'm a very busy woman, Malcolm.
199
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:25,040
It isn't easy running this household.
200
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,800
I can imagine, cooking, shopping
201
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,480
cutting the heads off of dolls.
202
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:30,800
I have no idea what you're talking about.
203
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,600
Come on, Mom, it's pretty obvious what's going on here
204
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:34,880
and I think it's sick!
205
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:38,000
- Did you see Diane's reaction?
- No, I didn't. Was she crying?
206
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:39,200
She had to be wrapped in a blanket
207
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,120
and carried to the school nurse's office.
208
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Terrible, just terrible.
209
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:44,480
There's a salad in the fridge
210
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and you boys can make yourselves sloppy Joe's
211
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,040
whenever you're hungry.
212
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,480
I've got some errands to run. Oh, "errands," right?
213
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:50,640
I know what you're up to, Mom.
214
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,240
Oh, yes, Malcolm, you've caught me.
215
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:53,720
I've got to return an overdue video
216
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:56,120
go to the cleaners, and pick up milk and cereal for the morning.
217
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,160
- Guilty as charged.
- Oh, nice try.
218
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,080
Now, I want you to look me in the eye and..
219
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:02,480
Mom, I know you're behind all this, and sooner or later
220
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you're going to have to talk to me.
221
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,120
Oh, for God's sake, Malcolm, can't I have a moment's rest?
222
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:07,320
No, you can't!
223
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:11,440
Tell me, did it feel good to cut through Elmo's neck? Did it!
224
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:12,720
Mom?
225
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:14,480
Mom?
226
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,480
Runners on second and third, with two out.
227
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:23,560
Here's the wind-up, and the pitch.
228
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,920
You know, it's a shame to see some of these veterans
229
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,240
hang on a little too long.
230
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,760
Oh, sure, they were great once, but there comes a point
231
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:35,120
when you just have to say "I'm done," and hang them up.
232
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Dad, you've got to do something.
233
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:38,440
Mom has been stalking those girls
234
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,640
who humiliated Reese like some kind of vigilante.
235
00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:42,160
What? Are you sure about this?
236
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,040
Yes. She's nailed two of them so far
237
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and she just climbed out of the bathroom window
238
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to go get the third.
239
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:51,480
This sounds like a lot of supposition, Malcolm.
240
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,000
I mean, it would be a different story
241
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:56,720
i-if you had hard evidence or a-an eyewitness.
242
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:58,280
I saw her at school today.
243
00:12:58,320 --> 00:12:59,920
She was there when these butchered dolls' heads
244
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,920
rolled outta one of the girls' lockers.
245
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,640
And what exactly do you mean when you say you were "there?
246
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:07,720
- Dad, stop it, don't you care?
- Of course, I care
247
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:12,080
but I think what we need right now is caution and prudence.
248
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A proactive wait-and-see, if you will.
249
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So, you're not gonna do anything?
250
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,520
Listen, when your mother gets like this
251
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we need to vigilantly keep abreast
252
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,240
of all the developments in a fully-engaged
253
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:22,720
yet cautiously detached..
254
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:24,360
Oh, forget it, if you're not going to help me
255
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,040
then I'll just stop her myself, and you can stay here
256
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,280
and play your ridiculous little game.
257
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Good.
258
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Sorry for the delay, folks. There was a fan on the field.
259
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:34,640
Now let's see if this bonus baby
260
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,200
is really worth all the money that they paid for him.
261
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,520
Oh, my God, that could've killed..
262
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:48,880
You wouldn't believe the homework
263
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,960
Mr. Hendricks has been dumping on us lately.
264
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,120
Lift your arm.
265
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,480
I mean, okay, your wife moved out.
266
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:55,920
Don't take it out on us.
267
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,320
If his behavior with her is anything
268
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,520
like it is in math class, I totally get it.
269
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,920
Hey, how is he doing?
270
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,120
He's having a very good day.
271
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,560
- Hello?
- Hello.
272
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:36,000
This is the Edgewood Hotel.
273
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:39,840
I'm calling to verify a room with a queen-sized bed for tonight.
274
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,880
I'm sorry, there must be some mistake.
275
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:45,840
Oh? The reservation was made by Heidi Kaczenski.
276
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,560
She also requested a bottle of
champagne and the romance package.
277
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,680
I think you'd better cancel that reservation.
278
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,400
Heidi! Get in here this minute!
279
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,280
Dad, what is so important? I..
280
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,720
You and Scott got a hotel room for tonight?
281
00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,360
- What?!
- That was the hotel calling.
282
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,280
- How could you do this to us?
- I didn't do anything.
283
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,000
I was in my room getting ready for the dance.
284
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:06,400
You really don't know anything about this? - No!
285
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:08,200
What's this?
286
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:13,640
- Oh, my God!
- That is not mine!
287
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,240
I don't know what the hell you were thinking
288
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,640
but as of right now, you and Scott are through!
289
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:20,600
I hate you! I hate both of you!
290
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:28,800
I saw something move.
291
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,000
There's somebody out there.
292
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,160
What's going on out here?
293
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:45,680
I'll tell you what's going on.
294
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:48,640
I saw this punk peeking in your window. - What?
295
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,120
I can't believe this! Jordan, I thought you were a good kid!
296
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:52,160
But I was..
297
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:53,920
You picked the wrong night to mess with me
298
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:54,880
you little perv!
299
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,160
Let's see what the police have to say about this.
300
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:10,920
I need to talk to you.
301
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:14,520
Not now. - Please, I-I need to tell you something.
302
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:18,640
I've been a terrible mother.
303
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,000
It's okay, Mom.
304
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,080
- I've known that for a long time.
- No, you don't understand.
305
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,680
When those girls humiliated you
306
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:29,640
instead of trying to comfort you
307
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:31,040
and help you deal with your feelings
308
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,440
I just got caught up in my own anger and
309
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,200
went on a rampage.
310
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,520
What? - All I was worried about was making them pay
311
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:41,560
and they did.
312
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,640
But what disturbs me is
313
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,200
how much I enjoyed crushing those three girls
314
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:47,680
and watching them suffer.
315
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:51,240
I tapped into some dark, ugly place inside of me.
316
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:52,400
I was acting like..
317
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:56,320
You.
318
00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,320
Oh, God, who am I kidding? I wasn't acting like you.
319
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,160
I am you.
320
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:10,640
There's this horrible thing that's part of us
321
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,800
that makes it seem okay to do really scary stuff.
322
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:18,360
I must have gotten it from Grandma,
and I passed it on to you, sweetie.
323
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:20,040
And all I can say is
324
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,200
I'm sorry.
325
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:27,880
I'm deeply, deeply sorry.
326
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:31,360
There's one left?
327
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,640
No, Reese
328
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:37,240
that doesn't matter.
329
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,160
Yeah, yeah, I know that, Mom.
330
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,240
I'm just trying to let it sink in.
331
00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,520
You know, that girl will be getting away with it.
332
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,000
She doesn't matter.
333
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:52,720
What matters is us.
334
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:54,440
I-I get that stuff about us, Mom.
335
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:55,880
That was amazing.
336
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,360
I was just thinking about what must be going through her head.
337
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,880
But you're right, it's not about her. - Exactly.
338
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,120
What do you mean what's going on inside of her head?
339
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:11,480
You know, how she thinks she beat you.
340
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,080
I'm perfect, and I got away with it
341
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,720
and that tired, frumpy housewife
342
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,680
just didn't have what it took to finish the job.
343
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,520
If you think you're manipulating me, you're wrong.
344
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,280
That girl just needs to know she can't go around
345
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,040
hurting people without there being consequences.
346
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,680
And that way, she'll grow up to be a very nice young lady.
347
00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:30,080
- Got it.
- And I want to make it clear
348
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:33,080
that this is a one-time thing due to very special circumstances.
349
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,440
- Understood.
- Now get back there
350
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:36,160
and fill up those balloons with paint.
351
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,200
I'll tell you what, Joe.
352
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:41,080
The idea that man came from an ape still rankles me.
353
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:42,360
I say prove it.
354
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,440
Point well taken, Skip, but the good news
355
00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:45,960
here at the ballpark is that the rain delay
356
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,960
is finally over, and we can get back to playing America's..
357
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,200
I think we have enough.
358
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:56,240
Let's move.
359
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,920
I knew I'd find you here!
360
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,560
Well, congratulations, Columbo.
361
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:01,760
Now, move, we're in a hurry.
362
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:04,320
Mom, no! What you're doing is crazy.
363
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,160
It goes against everything you've ever taught us.
364
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:07,440
You don't get it, Malcolm.
365
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:10,400
This is a one-time thing, due to very special circumstances.
366
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:13,640
- Tell him, Mom.
- Get out of our way!
367
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:16,360
This is not going to happen.
368
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,640
- You look gorgeous.
- They're moving, adjust left.
369
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:22,840
Adjusting left.
370
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,000
- Direct hit.
- Oh, my dress!
371
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:33,680
Stop it!
372
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,600
Make them stop!
373
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:43,280
What are you doing! Let go of me you coward!
374
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,560
Stop it!
375
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,120
This is nice. Just the two of us.
376
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,920
I was just thinking the same thing.
377
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,880
Stop it!
378
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:00,640
Stop!
379
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,320
It's a shame it was over so quickly. - I know.
380
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,640
Maybe we can go bowling together some time.
381
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:06,960
I'd like that.
382
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:08,920
Unbelievable.
383
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,400
So as long as you can rationalize your behavior
384
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:12,840
I guess you can do whatever you want.
385
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,080
There are no rules", huh, Mom? Is that what you're saying?
386
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:18,000
Oh, Malcolm, for Pete's sake. Don't be so upset.
387
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,200
I'll do something with you next week.
29033
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