All language subtitles for Sheer.Pandemic.2021.WEBRip.x264-YTS.MX-YIFY-English

I think it's time

we all recognize what this is
and stop ignoring the facts.

Wherever this thing came from,

it's the end of the
world as we know it.

There was before COVID-19
and there was after.

COVID-19 is simply
devastating our world.

We weren't prepared.

We aren't prepared.

The CDC is
expecting the death toll

to be two to five
million people,

and you still have
people out at the stores,

and they are still out
acting like they don't care

that this virus is
right on their doorstep.

Our national food
system is falling apart.

The truck drivers can't get in.

We are going to have rioting
in the streets soon enough.

Experts say
a third of the population

on this planet will be infected,

and of that, 10%
to 20% will die.

We're talking an estimate
of two to three million

dead in this country
by Christmas.

They played you all the same,

the virus has all of
our services disrupted,

and it is just as bad
all because those people-

- I would struggle to the ground

trying to grab the
last gallons of milk.

It's bad, people,
it's really bad.

Some of them are
not even wearing masks.

I think more of them
would care but they don't.

This isn't
doom and gloom fake news.

Unemployment is skyrocketing.

The healthcare system is broken.

This might be the end.

The dead are piling
up in the hospitals.

We're gonna
run out of ventilators.

We are
looking at a pandemic here

that will likely
stretch to years.

Bodies in the streets,

because we do not
know the severity.

If there was ever
a time to panic, this is it.

Welcome, America,
to the new normal.

Picture this, two young
heroes down on their luck,

COVID hits them and mm,
they lose everything.

They're destitute,
they're unemployed.

Audiences at home, they're
sitting there thinking,

"I get this, I'm
feeling this, yo,

they're sympathetic."

So our two young heroes
go out and do something

they would normally never do.

They become pandemic
journalists,

only they're paid per click.

So they start generating
ridiculous statistics and stories

and peddle fear to the
masses and it works so well,

that they make a fortune
and buy an island.

The problem is the world
is so caked in fear,

that it goes Lord of the Flies.

But our two young
guys, you know,

they're on the
beach in flip flops

drinking umbrella drinks, right?

One of them starts coughing, and

oh man, he's got the 'rona!

Turns out the whole thing

was a cautionary
tale the whole time!

They should have just stayed
home with their families,

you know, and
enjoyed the time off.

They both die.

Now, you give me
four to five weeks,

micro budget, ample
crew members and cast,

you know, we can turn this
around for AVOD, SVOD,

whatever you need.

The unions would
never go for it.

I'm sorry, Jack,

but the entire film
industry is dead for now.

It's just the way it is.

For how long, Steve?

Projections say it's
gonna take about six months

for this to blow through.

Do you think I should
bring my dogs this time

and keep them away from people?

- Do they need a mask?
- Starting production

may be 2021.

Steve, I can't
wait that long, man.

The world may be closed down,

but no one told my
mortgage company.

Look, do you think
your call is the only one

that I'm gonna have to
make like this today?

Howdy, neighbor.

Hey, Nerman.

What's up?

Just being non-essential.

Hey man, you got
toilet paper issues?

What?

We're collecting it
down at the mission

for the needy people,

what with the pandemic
and everything.

I don't know.

Me personally, I
always use baby wipes.

You're not supposed
to do that, of course,

it screws up the
pipes, but you know.

No, I don't.

Yeah, you do.

Anyways, I asked Miss
Carter up the street,

I asked Willie,
they were both out.

Nerman, this is an
office parking lot, man.

Yeah.

Your house is over there.

Yeah.

You wanna go get
set up over there?

No, man, there's
no sun over there.

Nerman, there's no sun here.

There will be.

Hey, you like my new cooler?

Got it with my stimulus check.

Also got a new gecko.

Named him Mr. Gecko.

You're not essential.

Ouch.

The governor's office says
you've gotta close down.

Your business is basically
a giant Petri dish.

In order to hashtag
flatten the curve,

businesses like
yours, cess pools,

are going to have to close

until we can get this
pandemic under control.

Nobody is more of a
germaphobe than I am.

I was wearing PPEs before
all of this even happened.

I've created a chart on how
to stay away from the virus

and get the body that
you've always wanted.

Step one, we're gonna
wear trash bags!

We can throw them
away afterwards,

and they're good
for water weight.

Step two-

- I'm sorry.

You have to close.

It's for your safety.

But shouldn't I get a chance
to decide what's safe for me?

Oh please.

You have to think about others.

It's not about you, you know.

Only essentials
are staying open.

But I am essential.

When people don't work out,
the muscle turns into fat.

And when people get
fat, they get diabetes,

and when they get diabetes,

they flood the hospital systems.

Think about it.

Fitness instructors, we're
really in the line of fire here.

I'm sorry, hashtag stay at home.

We can beat this.

But we all have to do our part.

We're all in this together.

Are we?

Hey.

How'd you go?

Well, closed me down,
for my own safety.

Oh, I'm sorry Dad.

Well, at least I
won't get the virus.

We can bring back Funday Monday.

And, I've got something for us.

Really?

What?

Marbles!

They came in the mail today.

Marbles?

Like the little kids' toy?

Yeah, like a marble race.

I saw it on YouTube,
it's awesome.

So you just watch the marbles.

Like, a marble race, you
watch 'em go down the hill.

Dad, I can't.

I'm doing a watch party
tonight with my friends.

But, but you're not
supposed to go anywhere.

Everything is shut down.

It's online, we're doing
it through a group meeting.

That sounds like the worst.

It's being alone together.

It's part of the fun.

We can do your marble
thing another day.

Marble race.

Right.

All right, well,

see you when I get home.

Oh no!

Netflix isn't working.

I know.

My students are gonna be
logging in in 10 minutes.

Okay.

Did you find my...

We're not gonna
survive being locked up

in here with these animals.

I found these.

Also, I told Uncle Bernie

that you'd bring
him some groceries.

Why?

'Cause he's in the
vulnerable age group.

I did make you some hand
sanitizer to take with you.

It's wonderful.

So, Netflix.

I canceled it.

I'm canceling
anything, everything.

We're being hashtag
poor together.

What are you doing?

What?

Let's go!

Invade Poland?

It's a precaution.

Is that what you're calling it?

That's not what I'm calling it.

What are you calling it?

I don't wanna say, don't
wanna hurt your feelings.

Now Punch,

you're in a car, man, and
I'm not a getaway driver.

Sure.

They say that the virus is more
attracted to people like me.

Big people?

People born in July.

They're saying, like, something
about summer month babies,

and we have more pores,
and because of the heat.

Okay, you know what?

You see this?

This is the problem right here.

Dude, you don't
have any gloves on?

- What is wrong with you?
- You know what?

Look at you.

- Stop it, stop it, stop it!
- Oh, you got the corona now?

- You got the 'rona now!
- It's transmitted by touch,

stop it, if it gets
into your orifices!

Look at you!

If anybody saw you like this-

- You're crazy, you gotta
take the virus seriously, man!

Katie made this from a
concoction of essential oils

she got from that time she got
scammed by the church women.

Kills everything,
viruses, bacteria, weeds.

Put a little on my chest,
all the hair, gone.

Want a feel?

No, I'm good.

She doesn't like it either.

Now please, get
in the front seat.

Mask.

There you go, not
about to go rob a bank.

What's up, dude?

Really?

If you're my getaway driver,

what the heck are you
getting away from?

Just give it a minute.

Just gotta be finessed.

Ah!

There we go, told you.

Mom, you can't be serious.

It's Tuesday.

It's the day I play bones,
and bones I shall play.

But you're supposed
to stay at home.

Everybody's supposed
to stay at home.

You're supposed to
shelter in place.

I'll be fine.

Plus, I lost last
week to Queenie,

and you know I'm not gonna
let that happen again.

Mom, you're at the
death age, you're over 60.

They're saying that they won't
even treat you at hospitals.

I'm going on my run,
then I'm gonna play bones,

'cause it's Tuesday, and
that's what I do on Tuesdays,

and I'm not going to
live my life in fear.

It's a pandemic, Mom.

You should have
fear, it's healthy.

I'm not afraid, I'm not.

And you boys know why.

- Don't say it.
- Because God

says not to fear.

I'm trying to protect you.

God is protecting me
right now, can't you see?

Look what he's doing
already for me.

I bought those!

I helped.

You're not supposed
to be outside,

there's a pandemic,
and you might die.

To live in fear is a choice.

Now, I'm gonna put
this things up,

and then I'm heading
out to Queens,

and that's the end of it.

I have spoken.

She's spoken.

I'm going to Cabo.

Uncle Bernie, you do know
that the world is closed.

The tickets cost $98.

Because the world is closed.

I'm retiring.

I bought six months of Cabo.

After that, who
knows, maybe Florence.

Italy?

You do know about Italy, right?

I heard it's just beautiful.

I'm gonna leave in four
weeks, which brings me to you.

Katie said that
your job is caput.

That's a harsh word for it.

Thing is, my business,
it's not the kinda thing

I can just walk away from.

I got a lot of balls in the air.

I want you to take over.

You can use Punch here
until he gets a real job.

I do have a job, I'm
a fitness instructor.

What happened to
the doctor thing?

Physical therapy, and,

I didn't make it.

Punchy can't do blood.

Well, okay.

You can sell, Punch'll
be the muscle.

What exactly is it that you do?

He's a hit man, Uncle
Bernie's a hit man.

Boys, I'm an arms dealer.

So, illegal?

Privatized gun
shows, it's a service.

Take this gun right here.

It's a Cobalt, nine millimeter.

6.1 inch barrel, five and
a half pound trigger pull.

That'll run you up $600
at a typical gun show.

Why?

Clean, off the books,
not captured on any cameras anywhere.

To the right buyer, that thing
is worth a couple of grand.

So that's what I do.

I host gun shows
for those people.

Just privately, to order,

out of the back of my car.

And it's not illegal,
I'm registered.

I got it from the same
site I was ordained

as a minister so I
could do weddings.

So, are all these
boxes filled with guns?

No, don't be silly,
I'm an entrepreneur.

First sign of trouble over
in Wuhan, I bought up.

Boys, you got toilet
paper, masks, gloves,

hand sanitizer, PPE,
the whole shebang.

The street market
value of this stuff

is 400% to 800% above market.

He's one of the crazy people

that bought up all
the toilet paper.

Uncle Bernie, are you
scalping toilet paper

on the internet?

No, of course not,
don't be ridiculous.

That's good.

I sell to the dealers,

they scalp the stuff
on the internet.

That's not better.

They're getting $5 a roll,

and that's after shipping.

Between what I've got
here and my storage unit,

I've got 18,000 rolls,
you do the math.

Six feet, six feet,
that's not six feet.

I've got somebody else
I can go to with this,

but things being what they are,

you might not work for months,

and you've got all those
kids to think about.

You're my nephew, I wanna
keep it in the family.

And these guns here, well,
they'll never go out of business.

You should think about it.

All these boxes are from China,

where the virus came from.

Daddy, I have some bad news.

The zombie ducks are coming

and I don't think
you will make it.

Where do you see yourself
in the next five years?

I don't care if you feel good,

you cannot get, you cannot
be without your pants.

- Sorry.
- I'm sorry,

I didn't hear you,
can you redo that?

It's not right.

Excuse me, how do I
get my email address?

Yeah, guys, I'm
getting a really bad connection.

I'm sorry, I didn't get that,

can you mute the other people?

So, mute everyone else, I-

- I think you
muted yourself, Cady.

Your mouth is moving, but-

Hiya, so sorry people,

I think I did the wrong-

- You're the admin, so you
have to mute the people.

Hiya, hi there.

Hi, hey.

Go get your pants on, Constance.

You can mute the other people

in the group, all of them.

I'm new to this
whole online thing.

Do not grab yourself like that!

So, is this
the jiu jitsu meeting?

So, like, how are we
supposed to run around?

They'll get hot and
stuff with the masks on,

it's like, super hot in there-

- Okay, I'm not-

Goodbye.

Howdy, neighbor.

Wondered if you
would like to support

your healthcare workers.

Yeah, why not, why not?

Just stick it over there.

That looks pretty
good now, don't it?

It looks wonderful.

It looks amazing.

That'll be 30 bucks.

30 bucks?

I don't care about the
nurses that much, man.

Don't say that.

It might come down to
you, one other patient,

and one ventilator,

and who do you think's
gonna make that call?

They ain't gonna
choose you, man.

They're gonna let you die.

30 bucks looks pretty good now.

Okay.

Daddy, why are
you wearing a mask?

Well buddy, because I have to.

Because they make
me, but don't worry,

we're flattening
the curve together,

it'll only take
a few more weeks.

Daddy, can we please
do zombie ducks now?

Buddy, now is not the best time.

Zombie ducks never
come at a good time.

That's what makes them scary.

Pete, I thought you
said you had a gym.

I do.

This is it, I bought
it off the internet.

Dave, what are you doing?

Thrust squats.

That's not a thing.

Oh yeah it is.

It burns, it burns really good.

Billy, what?

Why aren't you dressed?

I haven't seen
anybody in 10 days.

I'm stuck in this house.

I thought maybe you could hang
out for a while, you know?

I mean, we could
sit on the couch,

watch a movie or something.

I feel really lonely, you know?

10 feet times 100
pounds every 10 seconds?

That is not making any sense.

So how long's the
virus gonna go on?

That's the million
dollar question, buddy.

PTUs?

If it goes on for a long
time, will you run outta money?

No buddy, we're gonna be fine.

We're gonna be fine, I promise.

I think that you're gonna
have to just read this

and try to figure it out.

I'm thinking about it.

I don't know, man.

I can make it six weeks
before I'm outta cash.

I think it's time for
extraordinary options.

The whole point is
to stay in the house

and don't get sick.

Are you seriously worried
about the virus right now?

Yeah!

Are you not watching the news?

No, I'm not watching the news,

they're making a
killing off this.

Never trust anybody
peddling fear

if they're making
money off of it.

Man, they say it can
last in the air for like,

two hours, or four
hours, or even days.

That it likes moisture,

but thrives off of
dry environments.

Okay, forget about
the virus, man!

I'm gonna be broke and
destitute with five kids to feed

before this things
works itself out.

Dude, what could
possibly go wrong?

We could die, we
could go to jail,

we could get arrested,
we could lose everything,

and we could die.

But seriously.

We could die, we
could go to jail,

we could get arrested,
we could lose everything,

and we could die.

Yeah, but come on.

Hey, um, I'm
really gonna have to cancel

the marble race tonight.

Oh, okay, that's no big deal.

But hey, me and you,
tomorrow though, I promise.

Mm hmm.

It's a date, and
I won't be late.

Okay.

Okay boys, rule number one.

Don't get shot.

This applies to guns
and hand sanitizers.

Oh, and by the way, side
rule, always wear gloves.

You don't wanna get your
skin oils on the merchandise.

I can see Punch is already
good with this one.

It's for the virus.

We don't wanna catch a cold.

COVID.

Bless you.

Rule number two, always
meet in a public place.

Now, this may seem
counterintuitive,

but you're a lot less likely
to break rule number one

when there's people around.

Rule number three, you walk
at the first sign of trouble.

The hair stands up on
the back of your neck,

you leave, no sale.

And the most important rule,
don't forget rule number one.

How do we know that this
guy's not some crazy person?

I only deal with
people that I know,

and referrals that
have the password.

If they don't know
it, I don't deal,

which now means you don't deal.

I cannot believe
we are doing this

in a church parking lot.

It's a Thursday.

Wait, this is a church?

I think I'm gonna spray him.

No.

I think I'm gonna do it, yeah.

Good evening, welcome
to the gun show.

Please note my license,
it's a legal thing,

so forth, so such.

We've got some state guidelines
for social gathering,

the old section 418.

He could have been anywhere.

Okay.

Uncle Bernie's is officially
open for business.

For the next 20 minutes.

Fine.

I need to sanitize you.

Jasmine?

No, it's actually
cherry blossom.

Nice.

So, what are we
looking for today?

Something for my wife.

Is it her birthday?

No.

This is the Colt 1911,
.45, semi automatic,

single stack, six
rounds in the magazine,

and, well, one in the hole

if your gut tells you
that you're gonna need it.

If you can't get the
job done with this,

probably shouldn't
be doing the job.

Is it loud?

Well, loud, how do you mean?

I don't want the
people calling the cops,

I don't want the neighbors
hearing and asking questions.

My wife has sensitive ears.

Well, this one
won't go unnoticed.

If you're looking
for something quiet,

I've got this nine millimeter,
it attaches to this.

Now, it's only good
for a couple of rounds,

it's nothing longterm.

That's gonna cost
you a little extra.

What the...

Yeah.

How many rounds do I have?

Standard mag, one in
the chamber, 17 rounds.

Ah, no, so close!

It was almost enough.

So why do you wanna buy a gun?

Coyotes.

Coyotes?

Yeah, coyotes, sometimes
they come into the yard

and mess up the
vegetable garden.

I wasn't really aware that
we had a coyote problem.

All right, I'll take it.

Great.

Oh, oh, you also get this.

It's a free gift.

You have a tarp
and shovel in your trunk.

And tape.

And tape.

And a rope.

Yep, I see that.

Yeah, and they had
me standing in line

for over an hour just to get in.

All these people
hacking everywhere,

then they put these
six foot markers down,

I'm like, "This
is a free country."

I can stand where I wanna stand.

"Try to stop me."

Then, they only let me
buy one of everything.

I'm like, "What?"

Like I'm hording
shovels or something.

How many,

how many tarps do you need?

As many as it takes.

Pleasure doing
business with you.

You two don't go losing it now.

You don't know what
that guy's gonna do,

and most likely, he's
gonna do nothing.

Did you not just
see him acting out?

Shooting everything, all of it!

What, the coyotes?

There are no coyotes!

Not in this area!

And he bought a silencer.

We're gonna end up
on Dateline, man.

Boys, look, it's a part
of the business, okay?

You don't assume anything,
and don't ask any questions.

If he doesn't buy
the gun from us,

he'll just buy it
from somebody else.

We just provide a service.

Legal or not, I just
don't feel comfortable

selling guns like this.

Well, if you guys feel a
little softy about the guns,

just focus on the
PPE and the lotions,

and then if you need the money,

well, the guns will
always be there.

That's all there is
to it, gentlemen.

Quick and easy, no mess.

Oh, I think there's
gonna be a mess somewhere.

Look at it this way, you
both made a G, didn't ya?

Here's the phone.

If somebody calls, make sure
they have the password, Chambo.

You just follow the
rules, you'll be fine.

First time
jitters, I remember them.

Never eat tuna before a deal.

Oh man.

What are you doing?

I'm marking the floor, you know,

how they do at
the grocery store.

Are you gonna turn
my garage one way

and put up a bunch of signs?

'Cause the virus, it can read

and runs around
carrying a tape measure.

I am being a responsible adult.

Is that what you're calling it?

It's not what I'm calling it.

Okay.

Now, I calculated I
need at least 50 grand

to make it through a year.

What do you need?

About the same, I gotta
pay Aaliyah's tuition.

That's 100, say 50
grand for contingencies,

so we're looking at 150 grand.

We get 1150 grand,
and we're out.

Yes.

Why'd you draw it like that?

It's a thermometer.

For sick people.

You need to change it,
it looks like an omen.

Okay.

Feel better?

Not at all!

Now it just looks like
a demon thermometer.

It's a rocket ship, man.

Is it crashing?

It's the phone.

Hello?

Chambo.

Esse, what you got for me, man?

It has begun.

It's so hot.

I can't see
anything outta these.

Oh yeah.

You ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Are you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready, why
would I not be ready?

Are you not ready?

No, I'm ready.

It was just courtesy, I
was just checking with you.

I mean, when you
say it like that...

Like what?

Doubtful.

What?

Yeah, you had
doubt in your voice.

No.

Yeah, like the
doubt in your voice,

the tone went down
just a little bit.

No, there's no doubt,

that's just how my
voice sounds sometimes.

See?

Your voice is just,
like, fluctuating.

There's no fluctuating.

Just sounds
doubtful, that's all.

There's no doubt.

I am cool, I am
super cool, okay?

Nothing to worry about
here, are you cool?

Yeah, I'm cool.

- Yeah, I'm cool.
- Okay.

Well then, I think we're go.

I agree.

I also agree with that
as well, so let's go.

You know, Uncle Bernie said

to meet in a public place.

This is a public place.

Dude, there is nobody out here.

The world's quarantined,
man, there's nobody anywhere.

This is the type of
place you get killed

and thrown in a dumpster.

Don't be ridiculous, man,
that would never happen.

We're way too heavy.

What do you see?

Dude, put your glasses on.

I can't, man, they
look ridiculous,

he'd never take me seriously.

You be my eyes.

That's insane.

Punch, please.

Okay.

All right, it's a
guy, Latino looking.

Yeah, that sounds like him.

Okay, so what is the
plan if things go south?

Run fast I guess.

Your plan is run?

No, run fast.

I'm a lot faster
than you, so keep up.

Er, you Hector?

Where's the old man?

He retired.

So like, how does this work?

You show me what you got.

If I like what
you got, I buy it.

That seems pretty straight up.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Dude, he's got backup.

A little kid just came out,
hairs on my neck just went up.

Dude, chill, it's
okay, we got backup too.

We do?

Who?

You.

So, hey, what's with the kid?

Yeah, sorry about that.

Kid's with me for a night.

He was at home all day
playing video games,

so I told him, "There's no way"

you're gonna stay there
playing video games!"

I told him he needed
to come spend some time

with his dad, some bonding time.

Si, Papa.

Anyway, are we gonna
do this thing or what?

Did you get any of that?

It's single ply, amigo.

I can do $20 a roll.

30.

It's single ply, amigo,
and it's really rough.

Some people are sensitive.

But it's industrial grade.

It's three times longer
than your normal roll.

Plus, just think,

you could make an extra four
or five bucks as shipping.

All right.

Okay.

Gimme 200 rolls of
the toilet paper.

I want 100 boxes of masks,

and 20 of those
wipies over there.

All in all, it's $4,200.

Yeah, deal.

The plague!

You guys can air high five,
or even head nod, like this.

Woo!

$4,200!

- Oh hoo hoo, mamma!
- Yes!

Oh my god.

If you had ever
told me that the world

would go this crazy
over toilet paper,

I would have said you were nuts.

Cuckoo, you know?

Oh my god, we gotta celebrate.

Heck yeah, man, where we going?

Guess!

Where we going?

Ha ha! Um...

Um, huh.

Er...

Er...

The world's closed, man.

Hey, do you think
Walmart's open?

$4,200.

Let's do the marble race
later this afternoon.

I can't, I've got to do these
online lectures for school.

Why not tonight?

Well, I can't, I gotta work.

Your work is closed.

Everyone's work is closed.

Well, I got a new gig,
it's time sensitive.

Okay.

You know, I really wanna
do this with you, all right?

So we'll do it later.

Okay, I gotta go, I love you.

I can't find any.

What?

I can't find any,
I think we're out.

Are you sure?

Nope, we're out.

What am I supposed to do?

You're gonna have to
get creative, Steve.

What does that mean?

Do I have to spell
it out for you, Steve?

Or do you wanna experiment?

Buy now.

Yes.

Hectorzita!

Yes!

It's a waste of a
perfectly good pandemic

if you aren't around for it!

Schools are closed right now.

Do you know what
they have me doing?

Huh?

Math.

Math!

Do you know what the
problem with that is?

Do you know how many
changes they've made?

It makes me wanna go right
back across the border.

Do you know why?

Because over there, they
don't change anything.

It is consistent, like
us, consistent and proud!

Okay, it's this one
right here, think fast.

Okay, get this, this and
this is both toilet paper.

And this is what 10,000
rolls looks like.

Why's everyone going
nuts for toilet paper?

I thought the virus
was respiratory.

It's a pandemic, man, people
wanna go crazy about stuff,

makes it feel like
they're in control.

That doesn't make any sense.

That's the whole point.

It's panic, people do crazy
stuff when they panic.

Now look, we're not even
halfway to our goal.

Hector's only moving
200 to 300 rolls a day,

which means with all this,

there is no way we're
gonna make it in time.

So you know what I'm thinking?

Yeah?

I'm thinking we
add another dealer.

This guy is ex-KGB,

so don't ask any
unnecessary questions.

Man's paranoid, pretty sure
he's killed a few people.

He's going to have
his daughters with him

because he's home schooling,
Sasha and Natasha,

so whatever you do,
don't get 'em confused,

'cause they'll get
super bent over it.

So which one is which?

That's easy, Sasha's the
one with the longer hair.

Okay, I see it.

Do you see any
difference between...

What is this?

That, my friend, is
American-made single ply.

What is it for, Jolly
Green Giant?

This will fit on no one's spool.

In a time of crisis,
nobody cares about spools.

Ah, it's rough Bernie.

It's like sandpaper.

It's not that bad.

It's awful, it's like,
it's like the stuff they have

in peurda-podies.

Port-a-potties.

That's what I
said, peurda-podies.

I cannot sell this, this,
no one wants that torture.

Dmitry, on the way over here,

I saw an article about how

when people are running
out of toilet paper,

they're using socks.

Socks.

You can't flush a sock,

you gotta carry it
through the house,

through the kitchen.

Put it in a bag,
put it in a can,

you gotta set it outside.

Now, the people that
are using socks, Dmitry,

they'll pay top dollar for that.

What do you think, daughters?

You think Americans
stupid enough to buy this?

Da.

Hmm, you're probably right.

I mean, look at him.

He's wearing a mask like
a lemming.

It's for the virus.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, sure it is.

You're so smart,
you know, yeah, yeah.

You probably buy all this.

I'll give you eight per roll.

What? No.

No, no.

20.

Toilet paper in gulags
was softer than this!

Eight or I walk.

And you can sell this
travesty yourself.

Okay, deal.

Perfect, so, your girls,
what are they working on?

Math, reading?

They're working on the election.

Mm hmm, they're
gonna do it again.

They did it last
time, now this time,

this time, you know, last
time I helped a little bit.

You know, 2016, they were
like, "Daddy, help me",

I forgot, er, what
Pentagon password?"

I was like, "Yes, here you go,"

and they're like,
"What is nuclear code?"

I'm like, "You got to
write down on your hand."

You know, they were
little things, but now,

now they grow up so
fast, and I am so proud,

but they are doing this
one all by themselves,

they're like, "Daddy,
don't look at my shoulder",

you embarrass me."

Now back then, they still
laugh at everything I say,

you know, and they still
want to be around me,

they still think, you know,

they thought I was
so cool back then.

But they, er, they
toppled Ukraine.

Woo hoo hoo hoo!

Yes!

It is my day!

Woo, yeah!

Okay, we have the standard
equation of a circle.

The center points
are represented

by the coordinate pair h, k.

It has a vertical
axis of symmetry,

the equation of
the circle is x-h.

Mommy, where'd this
toilet paper come from?

It's back.

It's all back.

Two options, option A.

Okay, no, no, no.

That is not gonna happen here.

American-made on enough
done rocket launcher.

That's got to be illegal.

It is, I'm just kidding.

Now, let's say you meet a guy

that wants to trade
you for a car.

Loopholes, boys, loopholes.

I thought you were
supposed to be in Cabo.

Oh, those commies
at the airport.

They were taking
everybody's temperature.

They wouldn't let
me on the plane.

You have a fever?

Well, I naturally run hot.

99.1 degrees, I always have.

And besides, I just moved
my flight to tomorrow.

How are you going to go
flying if you have a fever?

I'm just gonna put
ice on my forehead

until I get through security.

Well, what about
the other option

for people not wanting
to overthrow a country?

That's option B, but
it's not nearly as fun.

Hand sanitizer gel.

This morning, three
ounces of this sold

for $12 on an auction site.

Now, this barrel has
over 7,000 ounces,

which means this 55 gallon
drum is worth over $28,000.

And I've got six barrels of it.

It's way too much, Jack,

Oh Hector, this
is all we have left.

We have to sell this.

You can put it into bottles?

What?

You know, little
bottles, lots of them.

Then you sell
thousands for cheap,

make a killing on the postage.

This is ridiculous.

It beats doing nothing.

No, that's, no, that's not true.

And I'm gonna tell a story.

No, no.

Once there was two grown
men who became so scared,

that they were acting
like little boys,

because all the people
that they were around

were crazy and panicking,

who refused to use common sense.

Your story's about us, isn't it?

So these two grown
men started scalping

smelly lotion to fearful people

until their hands
became so soft,

they couldn't find not one
woman in the whole side world

who would marry them
because their hands

were soft like
little girls' hands,

and women found that
to be disturbing.

Mom, that's ridiculous.

Have you felt these hands?

Have you smelt them?

You're a man, a grown man.

I'm already married.

One of the men was married too.

But he didn't stay that way.

Dud, we gotta get more help.

I will not fear,
for you are with me.

And we pray that you will fix
my son's giant, girly hands.

Yes, lord.

Amen.

Today for school,
we are gonna learn

about supply and demand.

And to do it, we're gonna start
by making an assembly line

and filling up a few
thousand of these bottles

with lotion from that blue
barrel right over there.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

- Yes!
- Yes.

Yes!

Now, we are not gonna tell
Mommy about it, are we?

But what if we do?

What's with the barrel?

We are adapting to the times.

And these are really
strange times.

I feel ya.

Nerman, is that a
koozie on your face?

Yeah.

And you think it works?

People are staying away from me.

What's wrong?

Sorry Jack, they
shut me down, man.

I'm out of business.

How did they just shut you down?

Blocked the prices,
they blocked my ID,

they just shut us out.

I have 7,000 bottles
of lotion to move.

I understand, Jack, I really do.

I mean, look, I want
Hectorzita to go to university,

I want him to play
for the Cruz Azul,

but his school isn't that good!

Can't you make some new
accounts or something?

No, no, no, and it
wouldn't do any good

even if I did, 'cause they
would just shut us down anyway.

These guys are fast,
they take us out.

Bad news, brothers,
the gig is up.

Thank you for playing.

What?

They shut off the auctions.

Locked my computers,
they came down hard.

Like, like hammer
and sickle hard.

You too?

They've locked the
prices for everything.

And you call this
a free country.

Welcome to Russia, my friends.

Stalin welcomes you!

You know, now we can drink
like proper Russians.

I must admit, I had
another bottle before this,

but sh, do not tell anyone,

because it is a secret.

What are we gonna do?

Whoa, whoa, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait,

come here, come here,
come into my secret.

Six feet.

Let me give you some advice.

If you find yourself in gulag,

when they first shove you in,

right there in front of
all the other prisoners,

you find the biggest
one you can find

and you walk right
directly to him,

and you llck him.

Like a lizard.

The big guy's
confused, you know,

they'll all leave
you alone after that.

Saved my butt more than
one times.

Right?

Two times.

You know, maybe, maybe
there is someone I can call.

I'll call him for
you, but no problem.

It's all good, it's okay.

How is it okay?

Dmitry's gonna call his guy.

So we just gotta
have a little faith.

Have faith?

In the crazy Russian guy's
friend that we don't know?

Governor announced this morning

- a shelter-in-place order...
- Yeah.

For the entire state,

including mandatory
curfew within city limits

starting at eight PM for
everyone not considered

essential to critical
infrastructure.

Police will be out
enforcing curfew,

so if you go out on the road...

That's gonna make it easier.

Moe after the break.

Hello, beautiful.

You're kidding me.

There's no temperature checks,

there's no awkward TSA screens.

There's no metal detectors.

Just pure, American
capitalism at its finest.

God bless America.

Can this even get you to Cabo?

It'll take you to Tahiti
if you pay 'em enough.

There still gonna
screen you at the airport.

But who says I'm
landing at an airport?

Hello, hey?

Hello?

Did he use the codeword?

I don't know.

What?

I don't remember.

How don't you remember?

I was half asleep.

That was one of the rules.

They have to use the codeword
or we don't do a deal.

Look, we need this to happen.

And we're nowhere
near a public place.

Another rule.

We're selling hand sanitizer,

what's the worst
that can happen?

They'll clean us to death?

Punch,

what are you doing?

We're not even supposed
to be out here, man!

Curfew!

Well, I hate to tell you this,

but squishing down like that
doesn't make you inconspicuous.

Dude, it's our guy.

Just be cool.

I think I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do the spray.

Okay sure, fine, whatever
makes you feel good.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll do it.

Oh dude, they brought,
they brought backup.

That's okay, we
brought backup too.

We did?

What did we bring?

Again, you!

I make the deal, you
stand there being big.

Oh dude, you're not
nearly big enough.

They bring a giant?

You only had one job to do, man!

They brought a giant!

It's okay, what's the
worst that can happen?

The giant could eat us.

Now is not the time to panic.

Everything about this makes
it the perfect time to panic.

How's it going?

You Primo?

All right, I'm Jack,
this here is Punch.

Do you want some spray?

For what?

For your hands.

Sanitizing spray.

It's oatmeal.

Oatmeal cookies.

It's really, really good.

Okay, sure.

Oh wow, that's delightful.

Now what did you bring?

Please, have a seat.

Why did you bring
such cheap chairs?

I'm sorry, I, I wasn't expecting
a man of your, um, heft.

Okay.

I've got 7,000 of these bad boys

ready to go in the
truck right now.

Top grade hand sanitizer
guaranteed to kill COVID,

and 99.9% of all germs.

They were selling online this
morning for 12 bucks a pop.

I'll give 'em to you for four.

Four?

Each.

Skinny, what are you doing?

He's smelling the trees.

It's a weird smell, man, I,

I can't figure out
what's happening here.

You're supposed to
be watching the car.

I'll get him.

What am I supposed to do
with a bunch of girly lotions?

Sell it.

Now this is what-

This is funny, that's good.

That's good, okay, now,

now, now, seriously, boys.

Where are the guns?

We've made a horrible error.

Guns?

Yeah.

My friend gave me this number,

I called this number,

someone brings guns, I buy guns.

That's how this works.

Okay, see, we thought
that you were a friend

of our friend Dmitry.

Who's Dmitry?

Yeah, um, I can see why you're,

okay, so you called,
but we thought you were

a friend of our
friend, but you're not,

so what we have here is just a,

it's a classic misunderstanding.

Right, right, right, right,
so you don't have guns.

No.

Right, my uncle Bernie
sold the guns, right?

But then he retired,
and then we took over,

but we've been selling,
you know, just soaps.

Okay, so you do have guns?

Right, we're just not selling.

So you're not
selling guns to me?

I wouldn't put it like that.

So how would you put it?

Like that, just not with
the derogatory bent at all.

You see, I have a problem.

- I have a gun.
- Whoa!

And sometimes, it just
doesn't do me right, you know?

Sometimes, I pull the
trigger, nothing happens.

You know, like
it's broke, right?

And then the other times, I
don't pull the trigger at all,

and it just goes off.

That's what I'm talking about.

It's just unpredictable,

and that's what I mean, I mean,

how can I manage my business

with a gun that just goes off
at random shooting people?

You know what I'm saying?

Like, it's just unprofessional.

You feel me?

- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's, that's no
good way to run a business.

That's good, I like that,

I'm glad, I'm glad you
guys feel me, all right?

Now.

Oops.

So here's what we're gonna do.

Tomorrow, I'm
gonna be back here.

You two boys better bring
me my guns, you feel me?

- Mm hmm.
- Mm.

You good?

Cool.

'Cause if you don't,

I'm gonna have my boys
run you guys down.

And let's just say you
really don't want that.

You know, he's right though,

the trees do got a smell
to 'em, it's weird.

It's like they have a plan.

Let's go!

Dude, he shot you!

Yeah, I know that man!

Like, you got shot shot!

Yeah, I know
that, I can feel it!

I can't see, how bad is it?

Oh man, they're pretty bad.

They're shattered.

Not the glasses, man!

Oh, um, yeah, I don't
do so good with blood.

Would you just get over
here and check it out, please?

How bad is it?

Okay, I feel really
weird about this.

Just do it.

Okay, okay.

Um, there's two, oh.

Two what?

Are you kidding me?

You are the worst backup
of all the backup.

Get up, man, get up!

Come on, have a
little bit of dignity.

Okay, sorry.

I'm okay.

How bad is it?

Man, look yourself.

I can't see, man,
I'm flying blind here.

Okay, your gluteus is bad.

But I'm just, I'm just
gonna stay right here.

Is there a lot of blood?

Oh yeah.

Keep it together, man.

It went in your,

and then it came out the other,

it came out the other side.

But I think you're
gonna be okay.

It just, it just
hit the chunky part.

It didn't hit the bone at all.

I can't believe
you let me get shot.

What?

How's this my fault?

You were the backup,

you're supposed to be
big and intimidating,

and do something heroic.

I wanted to start a marble race.

No, you wanted to start
a toilet paper empire.

Okay, we gotta
go to the hospital.

No, we can't do that.

Punch, I've been shot.

We gotta go to the hospital.

One, I don't really
like your tone.

Two, we can't go
to the hospital,

it's full of the death virus.

Three, you've got
a gunshot wound!

They'll ask questions!

And it's after curfew.

Curfew?

That's what you're thinking
about right now is the curfew?

You'll probably be fine,

it's just a flesh wound, we
can put some Neosporin on it,

and I can teach you
some therapy squats.

Can you just please, just
help me get to the car?

What's wrong with your car?

It's fine.

It's not though.

The last thing this
car is is fine.

You gotta just give it a minute.

Why can't you just get
a regular human being car?

What the what?

Dude, why'd you
bring your kid along?

That's not my kid.

What do you mean,
that's not your kid?

I have five kids, Punch,
that isn't one of 'em.

Are you sure?

I mean, your eyes are
all messed up and all.

Yep, it's not my kid.

Well, whose kid is it?

I don't know.

Do you think it
could be his kid?

No, it can't be his kid.

Where do you
think she came from?

Why are you looking up?

I don't know.

Hi, kiddo, I'm
Jack, this is Punch.

Were you in those people's car?

Was that huge guy your dad?

Were any of those guys your dad?

Uncles?

Family friends?

Neighbors?

Pen pals?

Dude, I don't think
she's their kid.

It's absolutely not their kid.

I think you have a
kidnapped kid in your car.

Your observational skills
are killing it tonight, man.

Primo's gonna notice
that she's not in his car.

And he's gonna think
that we took her.

He's gonna come back
here and kill us.

It has to have a home, right?

So let's just take
it home, okay?

Problem solved.

In what car?

Your car won't start because
you got a defective car!

What is it?

It's an amber alert.

Hi, um, is your
name Maddy Holmes?

Is your daddy Barker Holmes?

As in the mayor,
Mayor Barker Holmes?

There's a kidnapped
kid in our car.

We are dead.

The mayor's kidnapped
daughter is in our car.

God, I'm not ready for jail.

I mean, they don't have
six feet requirements,

and once one gets the
'rona, they all get it.

There's so much DNA in our car.

She's definitely seen our faces,

I mean, my hair's a mess

because all the barber
shops are closed,

but I'm definitely identifiable.

Yes, your hair's very unruly,

that's what we should be
focusing on right now.

Hey, you have a beard.

Before quarantine,
you looked 12.

You're gonna have
to go get help.

What?

Yeah, you're gonna
have to go find somebody

to come and, you
know, jump our car.

Where?

I don't know man, out there
in the big ball of space!

Why me?

Because I got shot
in the a, behind of me.

And you failed to protect me,
and now I can't see, okay?

So you gotta go before
Primo comes back.

There's nobody out
there because of the curfew!

Well, you'd better
hope somebody's out there

because the mayor's
kidnapped kid is in my car!

Just for a moment,
I want you to imagine

driving down a road and
a big, muscular man,

kind of a magnificent
specimen like myself,

is flagging you down for help.

Would you stop?

If I was in a better mood.

Hey, kiddo, so here's the thing.

Punch is gonna go
and get us some help,

and then we are gonna
take you home, okay?

You aren't supposed
to be out this late.

Yeah, I know.

The city has a bedtime.

The curfew?

Yeah.

Neither of you look essential.

Okay, that is an opinion.

When we drop you off at home,

there's gonna be
a lot of police,

and they're gonna have
a lot of questions.

So you can talk all you
want about those guys, okay,

but just don't talk about us.

You mean Jack and Punch?

You know our names?

You told me before.

I did.

You got shot in a bad place

'cause you're selling
guns and lotion.

Oh look at you knowing so much.

Okay, but listen,
we're the good guys,

we're gonna take
you home, right?

So you can just
leave the out, right?

Mommy says we
shouldn't keep secrets.

Oh, your mommy sounds
like a wonderful woman.

Er, excuse me.

Hello?

Hi.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm having car trouble.

Wondered if you could help me.

Ho, ho, oh, the blood.

No, no, no, it's not
mine, it's someone else's.

Um, I'm having car
trouble, I was wondering

if you could give me a jump.

No, a jump.

Oh my god!

Hey sir, sir.

Think about the virus, man!

No, that's cinco feet, no,
that's seis, seis, seis feet!

Oh.

Do you like bunnies?

Yeah, sure.

I like bunnies too.

Yeah, bunnies are the bomb.

Nobody uses the bomb
anymore, it's lame.

Why are you looking like that?

I broke my glasses
and I can't see.

Oh.

Bunnies can see really
well, it's the carrots.

Hey, what do you see up there?

A car.

I think it's the bad people.

Okay.

I asked them if they liked
bunnies, and they said no,

that's how I know
they're the bad people.

Okay, we're gonna have
to get out of the car.

This'll be fine.

Okay.

Get him, get him, get him!

Over there, over there!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

It's dark in here.

Sh.

Bunnies like the dark,

that's why they live
underground in burrows.

You know what bunnies don't do?

Talk.

In fact, they make
practically no noise at all,

and I will give you two
whole dollars right now

if you will be quiet
and act like a bunny.

You're super cheap.

Who was it?

I don't know, I
couldn't really see him,

and the girl had
her eyes closed.

I don't know, maybe
they just left you.

No man, it was a miracle, okay?

The guy looked right
in the car at us,

and he didn't see us.

Or maybe he did
and just left you.

Hey, the radio's working.

Look, you can argue and
deny it all you want, okay,

but it was a miracle.

My eyes are open.

You're eyes don't work
literally open or not.

Punch, I've had a revelation.

Can you have your
revelation in the car?

It's this pandemic, okay?

We're doing the same thing
as everybody else is doing,

but maybe we're going
about it all wrong,

and the miracle, it's a sign.

That was the sign?

Hey, the radio's
talking about me,

they say I'm missing,
but I'm not missing,

I'm right here, it's so silly!

The sign isn't you getting shot,

or a kidnapped girl
getting in the car,

that could get us in
jail for 20 years?

I'm just saying,
I've had an epiphany.

And I wanna hear all
about it in the car.

How close you wanna get?

What do you mean?

I mean we can't
just drive up to her house,

cops will be all over the place.

You think so?

Yeah, I think so.

Okay, just park
down the street then.

Well, how's
the girl gonna get home?

She's gonna walk.

Walk?

Yes walk, how
else would she get home?

I mean, it's dark out, man.

There's crazy people out.

What if she gets kidnapped?

I want you to think
about that for just a minute.

I'm just gonna
say for the record,

I don't really agree
with this plan.

I'm just gonna park here.

This is as close as we can get.

Hi.

You think you can
walk back from here?

Okay, great, well, it's
been great meeting you.

And please don't tell
the cops about us, okay?

Jack and Punch.

Oh, yeah, we're
not going to jail.

Okay, out you go, bye bye.

Thank goodness that
that's over with.

You know, all I'm saying is,

is that people panic
when they lose control,

but the mistake is to ever think

that you had control to
begin with, you know?

Like, none of this has
been in our control.

She's back in the car,
why is she back in the car?

This isn't my neighborhood.

But you said this
was your neighborhood.

It's not.

Then why did you say it was?

Dude, your voice.

Why did you say it was?

It's near a red gas station.

A red gas station.

What are you looking at me for?

Take 20.

This is the ride pool, right?

What?

No!

Get out of the car.

You're not even
supposed to be out!

There's a death virus, man!

Pay attention to the
world around you!

He didn't even have a mask on.

I thought you said
that you recognized

the gas station back there.

It was red, I live
near a red gas station

and a coffee shop
and a grocery store

and it takes two to 200
minutes to get there.

So what do you wanna do now?

Okay.

Isn't there, like, a box
that you can put kids in

at like, the fire
station or something?

A box?

Yeah.

To put kids in?

Yeah you know, like,
okay, you find a kid,

and then you just drop
'em off at this box.

And like, there's
no questions asked.

How often are you
finding stray kids?

I just, I think this is a thing.

We ain't putting that
kid in no box, man!

We're going to jail, dude.

And I'm not even gonna be
able to do my marble race.

This is not a ride share!

Are you sure?

Looks like we're going
somewhere together.

Sounds like a
ride pool to me, Skinny.

It sure does, Tebo.

It sure does.

He was the one who said
he doesn't like bunnies.

They've got shifty eyes.

Red eyes, you ever seen 'em?

Stare at you, and

they know.

So, you wanna keep
talking about your miracles?

It was a miracle.

Obviously not,
because we're here.

It was a miracle.

You weren't there,
you didn't see it.

And neither did
you, 'cause your eyes,

like your car, don't work.

And what kind of god miracles
get you out of trouble

only to get you back
into the same trouble?

Look, I don't know
how they found us, okay?

We put a tracker on your car.

They put a tracker on your
piece of junk defective car!

So, you gonna kill us or what?

You're looking the wrong way.

What?

He's over there.

Oh.

Same question.

When Primo's
mad, things tend to die.

We used to have
goldfish in here,

but they're gone now.

Oh man.

Where's the girl?

She's in the back.

Primo'll be here any minute.

We gotta think of something.

We gotta come up with a plan.

I think we need
to talk about Jesus.

What?

We might be meeting
him here any minute.

It's just a really
confusing day,

it's put me into a very
contemplative state.

We need a real plan.

What do you want from me?

Are you wanting to shimmy?

We can shimmy.

I can't see where
the heck I'm going,

but if that's what you
wanna do, I'll give it a go.

Maybe they won't notice us as
we just shimmy on out of here.

But we, we can't just sit here.

That is literally all we can do.

Now just calm down.

What?

What do you mean, calm down?

I don't know, man,
just all the miracles.

It's very confusing, I just,

I think things
are gonna be okay.

You have lost your mind.

Read my lips.

There was no miracle tonight.

I can't see your lips, man,

I can't see, you're
a giant blob.

Okay, so let's
get this straight.

I kidnapped the girl,

you two tried to sell me
lotions instead of guns,

I shoot you,

and you figure your best play
is to re-kidnap this girl?

I really think we're just
having a misunderstanding.

What did you think
was gonna happen?

I really don't know.

Okay.

Which one of you
wants to die first?

It was an accident!

Please don't! Don't!

She just climbed
in the car, man!

- Eeny.
- Oh my god.

You can't control kids,

- they're crazy.
- Your miracles are the worst!

- Meeny.
- We're sorry,

we're sorry about the lotion.

I was supposed to be a doctor,

but I was scared of the bodies.

We're sorry!

Miny.

But I think I can.

I've got five kids at home, man!

I just wanna try.

- Katie's gonna be so mad!
- Mo.

- Please don't, don't.
- We didn't even finish

the documentary
she was watching.

You are getting me killed!

Don't do it, no, no!

This is why I need a new gun!

We're alive!

Tebo!

Yeah, see, see!

This is what I'm talking about.

Nice handle, smooth grip,

heavy so you know
it means business.

Also, made in
America, just like me.

And you know what else?

Like me, this dog has to bark.

No, no, no, please!

What?

Miracle!

Well, this is worse.

Yo, this 5G thing is a joke.

I'm paying 15 extra
bucks a month for it,

and I ain't got
nothing out here.

Who looks at a bat, and thinks,

"Yeah, I'll eat that."

Ain't no bat start this virus.

It's just a story, mind control.

You mean telepathy.

There's no bats in
telepathy, it's a gift.

You're born with it.

Dude, I'm saying
it's a narrative.

They want people to look one way

just so that they can create

some crazy stuff
to put out there,

just like that street magician
that stole your wallet.

But that is just a distraction.

You need to wise up, my man.

Well, if it's a distraction,

what is it they
don't want us to see?

And who is they?

That's the entire
thing, that's the point.

So how you wanna do it?

You know, I'm gonna
find a stick or something.

This is all your fault.

Ow!

How is it my fault?

I told you to
leave, but you didn't.

I told you the hairs
were going up on my neck,

and you told me I
had a condition.

- It was rule number three!
- Ow, ow, ow, dude!

I don't think it was
rule number three, man.

I don't remember the order!

We're gonna be okay.

No it's not.

It will!

I'm gonna die out here.

I am gonna die

from selling toilet
paper and lotions.

All because of a stupid
virus that I never had.

I just wanted to marble
race with my daughter.

But no.

No, you had to
talk me into this!

Isn't Aaliyah like 17?

That's not the point.

It's gonna be
okay, you gotta chill out.

We've had two miracles.

Miracles come in
threes, we got one more.

It is bad things!

Bad things that come in threes.

What if we use the van?

It's a bit morbid, you know?

Well, we don't have a
lot of options here, do we?

It just seems a little dark,

maybe we could dial
it back a little.

As if there's a
feel-good way to do this?

Do you really
think it was a miracle?

I think so.

Right.

Maybe the guns were broken.

Maybe.

But it is unlikely
for two guns to be broken.

It does seem very improbable.

I don't know, there's...

Look, we could just
leave them here.

It's a hot day, there's
no one around for miles.

I saw a pack of
vultures flying in.

Maybe the vultures
will eat them.

And you didn't want
this to go too dark?

Is that a bullet hole?

That sure looks
like a bullet hole.

I didn't hear a gun.

Maybe it's been there
from the beginning.

What?

Yeah, like, it was
there from the beginning,

we just never noticed it.

I think you would have
remembered that, Skinny.

I think we're being shot at.

Yeah, we're being shot
at, genius, what do we do?

It doesn't make any sense.

They're still back there.

What is your point, Skinny?

Well, if they're
still tied back there,

how could they shoot at us,

I mean, it doesn't make sense,

the trajectory would be all off.

Maybe they have telepathy.

Get in the car, let's leave 'em.

What?

What if that's what
they want us to do?

Get in the car, man!

Now, these don't look
like no Jehovah's Witnesses

I've ever seen!

It's a really interesting
tactic that you've chosen.

- Tactic?
- Sh!

Sh, sh, sh.

Listen, this'd be a lot easier

if you just let
it run its course.

I'm not falling for
this Trojan horse thing

you got going on.

My, my, my,

looks like you got
yourself a bleeding bum.

Yeah, his bum is
bleeding really good.

I could use a doctor.

It could be fake.

Maybe it's real.

Yes it's real!

Well, you could
be yelling like that

if you were acting the part.

Government would
have trained ya.

I'm not-

- You should check it again.

I don't know.

What are you doing, man?

Bum bleeds for real.

We're just in need
of a little help.

Like everybody.

Well, if you're not government,
you must be Big Pharma.

Big Pharma?

Pharm, pharmec,

pharmecutic,

you know, medicine!

I got it.

They inject you with something?

You know, they're pushing
this whole vaccine

for this virus and
everybody knows

this virus is just a hoax.

It's 5G that's
killing everybody!

Hell, we blew up the tower on
our own property, just pew!

That sounds very responsible.

You look like government,
especially the big fella.

We ain't got no love
for government here.

Well Felicity,

those don't look like any
coyotes I've ever seen.

No, they do not.

Come on!

Honey pie, I believe
I know these guys.

What are you doing here?

We've had a really long day.

But you're gonna
be playing around

on the ground like this.

We have a coyote infestation.

So you did buy the
gun for your wife.

Yeah, coyotes.

I got sensitive ears.

Hey, you boys wanna come
up to the house for tea.

Not in a million years.

We've got plans, we have
somewhere we gotta be.

We do?

Yes we do.

Where are we supposed to be?

We gotta go save
that little girl.

We just got out of trouble

and you wanna go back there?

You want to leave that
girl there with Primo?

What is this, some rescue
operation or something?

Yes.

No.

He's crazy.

Do you need help?

'Cause I've got that RPG that
I've been just dying to use.

Oh yeah, he traded
our car for it.

Almost blew up our house.

You know what?

We've got a plan, I think
we'll give it a shot first.

Don't say it like that.

Now buddy, that's three.

Three?

Three what?

Miracles.

I've had an epiphany.

I thought there were only two.

No, I'm counting the
crazy coyote people.

They can say it's a coincidence,

but I don't think we can
say that now, can we?

We're outside in the
middle of nowhere, buddy.

Man, this virus, it just,

you know, I just, I
don't know what's safe

and what's not safe.

That's the epiphany.

There's nothing
safe in this world.

You can wear a mask
and get hit by a bus.

And you can not wear a mask

and also get hit by a bus.

Sounds like you got
a problem with buses.

Look, I saw all
the people panicking,

crippled by their fear,
putting their faith

in little itchy pieces of paper.

And I thought, "Look at
'em, they're all scared."

I'm not like that."

I guess it turns out
I'm no different at all.

Yeah, but you aren't
really afraid of the virus.

I was scared.

Not of the 'rona, but
of everything else.

Losing my job,
becoming destitute,

and trying to
provide for a family.

I started a company
scalping toilet paper!

Selling little itty
bottles of lotion!

Getting shot in
the behind of me!

Because I was scared.

So do you want the mask
or do you not want the mask?

Mask, no mask, the
masks aren't the point.

There's always gonna be
another reason to be afraid.

But we get to choose how
we deal with the fear.

You know, a virus comes to town,

we choose how we're
gonna respond.

Bad things happen in our world,

and we choose how
we're gonna behave

and what we're gonna do.

You know, a bad guy
points a gun to our heads

and takes that little
girl, and we choose.

Are we gonna run, or
are we gonna fight?

To live in fear, it's a choice,

so I think it's time
we stopped doing it.

Do you have to be so close.

I can't see you unless
you're right there.

Oh.

You're a blob.

Hey, Barker.

Hey, I heard about
what happened,

you missing your
daughter the other day.

Ooh, yeah, that was horrible.

Hey, listen though, I can
help you out with that.

I could grease some
gears, you know?

Maybe find out what
happened to her.

But listen,

as soon as that paycheck
protection program money comes in,

I'm gonna need you to
send some of that my way.

Consider it my finder's fee.

Why you looking like that?

Like what?

Like that.

Like what?

Like that.

This is the
face I make at meanos.

Are you sure we
don't need protection?

No guns.

What do I do if they see me?

Your name is Punch.

But I've never
really punched anybody.

Then why do they call you Punch?

Punch, like the juice.

The fruity kind.

I had a little addiction when
I was in elementary school,

and I was a little overweight,

and I had a great mustache,

and I just, I really
never got over it.

What is the point of
having all these muscles

if you can't even hit a guy?

Look, I could do
it, but theoretically,

I don't understand
the mechanics.

Oh my gosh, you just
swing your arms, man.

Really?

She was saying mean things.

Your momma says mean things.

I don't know if that's
really necessary, I mean,

the whole point is to
not let the virus get in.

But it doesn't come in
through the eye holes, man.

Don't worry about it,
I'll go check it out.

Okay, I'm gonna
take your mask off,

just don't scream, okay?

Your face looks funny.

Okay, I'm gonna have to go
get some scissors, all right?

You're not really
good at rescues.

Well, it's an A for
effort though, right?

You aren't really
trying that hard.

You!

I did it!

What?

I punched him!

He is out cold!

That's great!

Help me find some scissors.

Oh man, I'm like, er, I'm
like a one punch machine!

I'm like Mike Tyson, but you
know, with a deeper voice.

Oh, I popped
him square in the nose.

But there's blood.

Don't you dare.

Oh, you've gotta
be kidding me, man!

Hey!

You just won't die.

Here I have a job,
I have a plan,

and you just keep
getting in the way.

Have I given you the tour yet?

Oh, well how rude of me.

This is the factory floor.

Over there, we have an office.

Over there, we've
got a bathroom,

but the piece de resistance is,

let me show you, the freezer.

It's minus 30 degrees in there.

We use it to instantly
freeze the pies.

Good for the pies, bad
for the human body.

Oh yeah, it's chilly.

Slippery too.

Gotta watch yourself.

So there you go, this
concludes our little tour.

Thank you for your
participation.

Safe travels.

Is this really all
you got, little man?

Hey man, you dead?

Okay.

You chill out.

What took you so long?

I was taking a tour.

It's time to go.

What happened to you?

You failed me, man.

I had to take on Primo alone.

Where is he?

Oh, I whipped him.

What?

Yeah, I'm super strong.

What's that?

That's Primo, I locked
him in the freezer.

He needed to chill out.

Hi there.

The missing girl is here.

Also, illegal weapons
too, lots of 'em.

The serial numbers
are filed off,

and probably murder weapons
and, you know, everything.

Um, you better send
SWAT and the DEA

and just send all the
police and everybody.

Okay kiddo, this is it.

Police are on their way,
they'll be here any minute,

so go and have a good life.

I changed my mind.

You did? About what?

You two look
essential after all.

Well, that's very nice.

The juries are still out.

I love these little
chats that we have.

Here, talk to the police lady.

Hello.

Hi.

Do you like bunnies.

Well man.

Let's go home.

Man, I'm gonna build,
like, the best marble race.

Yes you are, it's gonna be
the greatest marble race ever.

And Aaliyah will love
it even though she's 17.

She probably loves
marbles, I mean,

what 17 year old
doesn't love marbles?

I mean, they're so fun.

And I will go home
and play zombie ducks,

and I will explain
everything to Katie,

she will still love me
and I'm gonna stay married

because we cannot
let your mother

be right now, can we Punch?

We cannot.

Nope, we will win best father
awards together, you and me.

You with your marbles,
and me with my-

- Dude!

What is wrong with your car?

Daddy.

Do we have time to play?

Buddy, I've got some bad news.

The zombie ducks
are already coming,

look, they nearly got
me on my way home!

Ooh, does that hurt?

Yeah, it hurts a lot.

So you know what I
think we should do?

What?

We should get everybody
downstairs to the table right now.

- Yes!
- To deal with them.

I'm really glad
you're home, Daddy.

I'm glad to be home, buddy.

You know what?

What?

I'm gonna stay
home, for a long time.

All right, here we go,

the moment that you guys
have been waiting for.

Look at this amazing track.

Aaliyah babe, are you ready?

Coming.

All right!

The famous marble
race, and the star,

yep, and myself!

All right, what do we have here?

Oh yeah.

It's going down!

It is going down.

What do we have here?

Oh yeah, look at those.

All right!

Which one do you
think's gonna win, babe?

Silver.

Okay, yes, silver bullet.

All right, here we go.

Here we get ready to start.

Look at this thing here,
this is so creative.

Look at this.

Me and my babe did that.

All right.

And...

Wait, yep, um, um...

Um...

That was fun.

Um...

Yeah.

What's up, man?

What's up man?

- Cheers.
- How are you?

Cheers.

Man, it's really awesome

that Uncle Bernie let
you borrow the place.

Yeah, I don't think
we'll ever go back.

Yeah.

So, did you do the marble race?

Was it awesome?

Awesome!

It was great, and
I had so much run,

I had forgot to push record,

but yeah, you
know, it was great.

Lame.

That's kind of a
bummer after all that.

Yeah.

So what are you gonna do now?

You know, we got all this time.

You know, I've actually
been thinking about that,

you know, I've got
all these people

that are wanting to train
at the track, and...

I feel hot, come here,
come here, feel me.

- I feel hot.
- I can't feel you, man!

Gotcha!

That's so funny.

Oh, you should've seen
your face.

That's not cool, man.

That was mean, that
was really mean man.

I was having genuine
feelings about you just then,

genuine concern welling up.

Dude, I had to man, I
just, like, really, I had to.

My kids could
have been out here.

They could have been out
here, if they had seen that,

they would be crying right now,

there'd be sobbing everywhere.

"Daddy, Punch is gonna die,"
it'd just be really bad.

You gotta think
about that kind stuff

- before you pull stunts, man.
- Dude, it was a joke.

How's that for a punchline?