All language subtitles for Kenan s02e01 Dating App.eng

[bacon sizzles]

[blender whirrs]

♪

Hey, hey, hey!

Stop that. Stop it!

What are y'all doing, man?
It's 3:00 in the morning!

You can't be fryin'
and blendin' and what-not-in'.

My bad, dog.
We try to keep it down.

This is Lisa.
- Hey.

I'm sorry too
but he just had to try

my famous tequila smoothie.
- Mm-hmm.

And did y'all have to try
my special maple glaze bacon

from the back
of the freezer too?

Kenan, this energy
is not very "impromptu vous."

"Impromptu vous?"

What, are we speaking
French now?

What's French
for stop scratching up

my Teflon pan with that fork?

Nah, man, "Impromptu Vous"
is the app we met on.

I hit her up at 11:00
and went to a Creole spot.

Then a strip escape room.

And we escaped.

Came back here
for some breakfast

and some sex.
Sexfast, if you will.

- Y'all did all that tonight?
- Yeah, it's a Saturday night

on "Impromptu Vous,"

y'know what I mean?
- Hm.

- What'd you get into?
- You don't have to answer that

if you don't want to.
- Who me? Oh, well,

I swept out the garage.
That was a lot of fun.

And then my littlest one,
Birdie, she caught the hiccups

so I tried to scare them
out of her for like four hours.

My goodness.

And then I went to bed

and caught up on my "Datelines"

and "Nightlines"
and "Frontlines."

Pretty much all my lines.
- Please go to bed.

Yeah, you right. Goodnight.

- He looked tired.
- You know what?

I'ma leave y'all some bacon.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to break up your sexfast.

I'm a really nice guy.

It's just that this bacon

is like $50 a strip, you know?

I import it from Canada.

And it's just
a lot of shipping costs

and tariff fees
and stuff like that.

But you know,
I'll put people over money

any day of the week.

- Kenan!
- Goodnight.

Kenan, Kenan!

Da-da-daddy.

- That's me!
- Kenan

Okay!

For tomorrow's school lunch.

Crab legs and olives? Birdie.

Don't judge,
I like what I like.

Yeah, man, she's trying
to get her carne swerve on.

Well, Aubrey, can you please
help me with her?

You know what would help
with all of this?

A shopping list.
- She's not wrong.

[laughing] Kids.

They see something,
they just gotta have it.

Ooh-ah!

Cotton candy grapes.

Mm-mm--

mmm.

Oh, man. That's amazing.

So you're not gonna
wash them off or nothing?

They've been sprayed.

Hey. Can I talk to you
about this morning?

Oh, yeah.
Sorry about that, man.

I didn't mean to leave
that mess.

I feel wrong asking
Lisa to help me clean up.

You know I'm a freak,
but I'm a feminist.

- Not that. Not that.
- Okay.

I was thinking like,
maybe I deserve a little fun.

So, I might be
ready to get on that app

and "Impromptu Vous" too.

Ooh, well, well, well!

Welcome to the booty dome!
- Keep your voice down.

Why would you want
the profile of somebody

that tells you
everything about 'em

before you even
go out with them?

Uh, so you know
what you're getting into,

like a movie trailer?

Where's the fun in that?

You know what I say?
Just enjoy the ride.

Sir, you can't just eat
the produce.

Uh, real life, one.
The ride, zero.

You know now I understand

why those grapes
are so amazing.

They've been
touched by an angel.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

That ain't gonna work.
Ain't gonna work.

Try one, I dare you.

If I'm wrong, I'll buy
every grape in the store.

- He ain't got no job.
- He don't.

What?

- Oh, that's good.
- Right, you see?

Now, listen, I know
of a little Greek place

that serves an even better
grape and feta salad.

And I'd like to take you there.

Uh, Gina.

Okay. Okay, here.

Yeah, just write
your number down here.

- He closed, he closed.
- Get outta--

- Awesome.
- Call me.

- I'll call ya.
- Oh, uh, what is your name?

- Rick.
- Rick, okay.

Gina.

I don't know a thing about her.

But I know it's gonna be
a hell of a ride.

Well, look at you,
the smoothest cat in produce.

- Give it a go Kenan.
- Oh, yeah, you got this.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, kiss that.

I think I shall.
Check this out.

Invite her to
the booty dome, playa.

Sir, you cannot do that.

Oh, yeah? Would it change
your mind

if I offered
to share some with you?

Security!

No, Rick said that I--

where the hell is Rick?

My own brother? I'm sorry.

It's All right security!
You ain't got--

oh, he runnin'.

How about a sports segment

about injuries called
"ATL's Greatest ACLs."

Ooh, even the name
makes me tingle in places.

Okay, Pam,
I keep telling you

that we can't base
our programming decisions

off your lady tingles.

Well, they picked the last
three Super Bowl winners.

Guys.

The worst possible thing

you could ever imagine
happened.

[car alarm blaring]

[camera snaps]
- Got it!

[screams]

Morning, Miss Tami.
Apologies for getting ya.

You have a swell day now.

David! Call my lawyer!

Oh!
I thought you were gonna say

somebody was checking
browser histories.

Oh, my God, you got gotcha-ed
by that tabloid parasite Brett.

Yes, he got a picture
of my face.

My un-made-up face.

People love pictures
of women with no makeup.

And by people, I mean Pam.
I am one of those people.

Pam.

Once he posts those photos
I'll be a joke.

I mean, everything I've worked
so hard for will be gone.

I am so sick
of this double standard

that women live with
every single day.

It's the 21st century
and we still have to cater

to this unrealistic
standard of beauty

that keeps women bound in Spanx

and makeup and six inch heels.

- Yeah!
- Both my baby toes are dead.

And they are not coming back

unless you get one of them
Jesus toes.

So you know
what we gotta do?

Change the system?

Nope, that'll never happen.

We are gonna pay
to get those pictures back.

Oh, thank God.

Yep, it's what
Kenan makes me do

every time Brett
catches him acting sloppy.

Wake up, Kenan!

[camera snaps]

- Ahh.
- Hey, Kenan!

I said I would pay
for the chicken, that's my bad.

And Kenan's weak-ass bladder
cost me double.

That dumpster
was behind a school!

What?

No. No.

- What about this?
- No.

- Okay, how 'bout that one?
- Hell no.

- Aight, check that one out.
- Oh, no.

Come on, man.
People like to see me in suits.

This is about showing people
your fun side, dog.

Like, look at this, man.

Look at this picture
right there.

That says, "Oh, he's fun, sexy

and way too comfortable
with his body."

Okay?

Let's just skip
to the profile, man.

Type this.

"I'm a 38-year-old
single zaddy.

I ain't here for a long time
but I'm here for a good time."

Zaddy.

Z-A-D-D--

why are you not typing?
Are your thumbs broke?

I'm sorry, man.

I don't want that
on my profile.

I don't want
to present myself like that.

Are you sure because
this is how it's done, fam.

You said you wanted this.
- I do.

But I don't want
these women out there

thinking I'm like you.

What up, nerds?

Hey, what's up, Big Rick!
Where you headed to?

Having dinner with Gina.
In the real world.

Okay, you know
these online dates

don't happen in the phone,
right?

- Really?
- Hey, uh...

What you mean
when you said you don't want

people to think you like me?
- Oh, nothing, man.

You know, I'm just, you know,

I'm more like
a responsible father

that people look up to
in the community, you know?

Like a--I'm like a deacon.

Kind of, and you're like a--
- Satan?

No. No, man,

I'm just saying like,
you're free.

That's what it is.
You like wild and reckless,

you don't have
no responsibilities.

So nobody looks up to you
because, you know, you Gary.

Oh.

I'm just gonna get some gum,

condoms. I'm out.

All right, have a good night
Big Rick!

All right, come on, man,
let's get back to my profile.

Oh, you got this, deacon.
You got this.

Y'all go ahead,
wing it from the soul, brother.

Okay.
[clears throat]

Hello, ladies.

38-year-old single girl dad.

Very blessed.

Looking for a night
of fun and respect.

No, no.

Mutual respect.

That is the sexiest thing
I've ever heard in my life.

You know what? Let's go ahead
and search for some matches

around the area,
see what pops up.

Oh. Ooh, matches already.

Come on now.

Here we go, phone.
- It's not an eight ball.

Hey, there you go.

One for your boy, I knew it
was coming through.

Look at--oh.

No, that's just a reminder

to record "Frontline."

Okay.

Okay, this is nice.
This is nice, man.

Thanks for doing this, man,
you know.

A double date kind of makes it
a little easier.

Oh, it's all good, man.
This is my world, you know.

I'm trying not to get too
reckless and ruin it for you.

- Gary.
- Oh, Janay.

Ooh, look at you.

Seems like that algorithm
working well

for your brother, right?

Yep, she looks
like a very nice match.

For you.

Yes.

I'm sure my match
is in here somewhere.

Hey.

Are you Ashley?
- Ashley.

Nice to meet you, I'm Kenan.

R--right.

I love your...smock?

Ah, it's a frock.

I'm glad we matched.

You're the sweetest man
in morning news.

Thank you very much.

So, why don't you
catch me up on Ashley?

Well I'm the principal
at St. John's Elementary.

I take care of my grandmother

and I foster
skittish chihuahuas.

I've got a pic.

Hey, that's a...

that's a lot of teeth.

You know, why don't we just
get y'all some drinks?

Just water for me.

Or as I call it,
Earth's cocktail.

Yeah.
That's a fun way to talk.

- Uh-huh.
- Real fun.

I guess I don't
need a drink either.

Uhh, how's that boring-ass
profile treating you, deacon?

Hey, man, we still trying
to get to know each other.

Okay.

Question.
What the hell is that?

Is she praying
over the peanuts?

Yeah. I like this.

This is going well.
- Yeah?

[snickers]

Hello, Brett.

Well, I'll be!

It's the lovely ladies
of "Wake Up With Kenan."

Okay.

Don't worry, that one's
just for my personals.

Brett. I have a right
to look amazing in my photos.

And to privacy.

- Sure, sure.
- Hand them over

or I'm gonna kick you
in your tingly places.

I'm sure we can settle this
like civilized human beings.

I'll kill the photos
for $20,000

and a shot of some of y'alls
feet meat.

Again, just for my personals.

20 grand? For her?

That's like Kelly Ripa money.

Yeah, I've never paid
2,000 For Kenan.

Well, the market wants
what the market wants

and right now the market wants
white ladies looking terrible.

We'll give you 3,000 but
no meat from any of our feet.

Mm, 15,000 or the photos
will go live tomorrow.

Okay, there's no way--

- I'll pay it.
- What?

Tami, are you sure?

Yeah. I am.

You'll have it tomorrow.

Well, I appreciate all y'all.

You ladies have
a real nice night.

An awful human being.

Great manners though.

I wanna know, what is this?

Mmm.

And you speak Greek.

This night
is full of surprises.

Like that kitchen fire
at the restaurant.

Yeah, I still don't know why
they make

those chef hats so flammable.

Yeah.

But, hey,
you and I are gonna end up

right where
we're supposed to be.

[door creaks]

- Gina?
- Oh.

What the hell is this?

Any chance he's your brother?

Oh, no, it's my husband.

Who's not the only one
who can have meaningless sex

with randos. Sorry.

Hi, I'm Rick.

I'm gonna
knock your teeth in.

Wait, wait, wait.

Uh-oh,
secret shots at the bar.

That's not
the Kenan from the profile.

No, no, no.

They just here to help me
have a great night, you know.

I've never been out
with a principal before.

It's cool.

Oh, yeah?

Are you enjoying how
she's measuring how far

my date's shorts are
from her knees right now?

Yeah.

I love that.

You know, I also loved when
she made me tuck in my shirt.

And I love all 150
creepy-ass photos of her dog.

- Oh, that's fun.
- And you know I loved

when she told the DJ to turn
the music down

so we could all hear
how awful she is.

You might wanna chill, fam.

Your date is great
and mine sucks.

She really, really sucks, man.

At least I am who I say I am.

Hey, girl!

Look at you.

Still loving that
frock by the way.

You are fake.

Your show should be called
"Fake Up with Kenan."

What?
Now, Ashley, don't leave.

I'm sorry. I'm a good guy.

I just maybe had too many
of the Earth's cocktails.

There goes your congregation,
deacon.

Okay, now help me decide
which of my children

gets to go to college.
I'm leaning towards Braden.

Richard's sweet
but he's kind of a dumb-dumb.

Wait a minute.

You're blowing up
your kids' future

for these pictures?

Where'd you think
I was gonna get it?

No offense but I thought

you'd just
drive outside Atlanta

to some rundown plantation.

Great Grammy on the veranda
would be like,

"It's under the floorboards,
Tami."

Yeah, right.

Most of my people's homes
had wheels.

Oh, that's cool.

Well, look, you can't
pay Brett all that money.

You don't understand.
I haven't been seen

without makeup
since I could walk.

I'm a pageant kid.

both: Oh.

You were a little
Tami Boo Boo.

Every day it was
"Don't gain weight, Tami."

"Don't forget to put in
your fake teeth, Tami."

"Don't tell anybody
you have chickenpox, Tami."

To win you have to be pretty
and perfect.

And those photos are not.

I don't have a choice.

Let me tell you
a little story, Tami.

When I hurt my knee
and pro tennis was out,

I said, "Pam,
you're a sparkling personality.

Try broadcasting."

But everyone was like,
"Put on a dress.

You got great legs, get your
wicked boobs out there."

But I wanted the world
to see the real me.

Eventually "Wake Up with Kenan"
happened

and I became
America's sweetheart.

- You did that.
- Yeah.

And if it hadn't happened,
then what?

Well at least I could
live with myself

because I made the right choice
for me, not them.

I'm gonna always choose Pam

'cause Pam is freakin' great!

- Hm.
- Yeah.

You're right,
Pam is freakin' great.

And so is Mika!
Mika's friggin' great too.

And you know what?
- That's right.

- This is happening.
- What?

Bam, bam!

- Damn!
- Oh, dear God.

That's right.
Take it all in, y'all.

This is all Mika, baby!

This is a restaurant.

Please put your shoes back on
or leave.

Well, you know what?

I choose me.

And Tami,
you should choose you too.

Goodnight, ladies.

Do her toes
even touch the ground?

[shudders]

Man, you were wrong.

"Impromptu" does not know
how to match people.

When you put up
that boring-ass profile,

you got a boring-ass principal,
that's the science.

I'ma go get us
some more rounds.

Don't blame "Impromptu Vous."

For this? Ha!

Don't beat yourself up.

You were more than
sweet to her.

I mean, before you
cussed her out at the bar.

Oh, no, no.
I didn't cuss now.

My rants are always clean.

I'm like the Sinbad
of hurting feelings.

[laughs]

Well, I guess all it took
was getting dumped

and a couple of drinks
for someone to loosen up.

I don't know. Maybe.

If we would have matched up,

I definitely
would have swiped right.

[Saweetie's "Tap In" plays]

Oh! Oh, this is my song!

Come dance with me.
- I'm--nah--I'm okay.

Gary'll be right back.

You know you
want to dance with me!

- No, no, no--
- Come dance with me.

All right,
I guess I'm dancing.

Whoa, okay, if you insist.

Oh, I can't fight the music.
- Yes, no one can.

Oh, you son of a bitch!

[grunts]

Oh, I was carrying
all the tension

in my lower back.

Yeah, that's all that guilt

from the way you've been
treating Gina.

You're right.

- And Gina?
- Yes.

You gotta stop playing
games with handsome randos.

We're people too.
- I get that now.

Guys, you're gonna
have some highs,

you're gonna have some lows.

But just be good to each other.

And?
both: Enjoy the ride.

There we go, we got it.

Oh! And to think
I was gonna kick your ass.

And to think I was gonna
make sweet love to your wife.

[cackles]

Whoa!

- Ohh.
- Oh.

♪

Kenan. What the holy hell?

It's not what it looks like.

Yes, it is.
Don't front for him.

You calling me Satan

and you out here
freaking my date.

Well, technically
you called yourself Satan.

- Shut up, Kenan!
- Hey, Gary, man, I'm sorry.

I don't know what happened,

but maybe we can talk
about this at home?

I mean, we don't really want
to make a scene right?

Yes, we do.

You want everybody
to think that you're perfect,

but you're not perfect.

Kenan Williams
ain't perfect, y'all.

As a matter of fact,
when he does laundry,

he mixes his dish towels
with his underwear

so his underwear
smells like wet eggs

and his dish towel
smells like booty.

Gary, man, I'm warning you.

Bring it down.

I ain't bringing down
nothing.

Well, don't make me
make you bring it down.

Oh, come on, fight already.

Oh, no,
I ain't gon' fight my own--

- Ah!
- Oh!

- Let's fight! Let's fight!
- Get off--get off!

No!

- Get off of me!
- No!

You smell like dish towels!

[muffled cries]

Oh, hey, I'm sorry
about the nose blood

I got in your backseat there.

Can you still
give me five stars?

I'm definitely gonna
give you five stars.

Okay, he's leaving, All right.

What you want five stars for?

Ruining everybody's night?

Hey, look, man.

I'm sorry once again
for the disrespectful twerk.

But you ain't have
to call me out in front

of everybody like
that either though.

I'm tired of you acting
like you better than me, man.

You all, "Oh, I'm perfect Kenan
and you, you just Gary."

I'm sorry, man.

Me saying that
and making that profile,

yeah, I was, I was tripping.

About what?

Because I gotta be
Daddy Kenan.

And PTA Kenan,
and "Wake Up with Kenan" Kenan.

I mean, I don't ever
get to be just

"freakin' on the dance floor
Kenan"

or "freakin'
in the bedroom Kenan."

Why not?

Where else would you freak?

Well, I mean.
What will people think?

Who cares
what people think, man.

Like, why you put so much
pressure on yourself?

Dude, all of us who love you

are gonna love you
any which way you are.

Aight?

- Aight.
- Aight.

Sorry again
about that beat down.

Psh! What are you
talking about, man?

I wrestled you sloppily, bro.

I don't know, man,
your boy got 'em hard.

You know, man,
I ain't easy to get down.

[animal shrieking]
- Whoa! Street cat!

Okay!
- What is that--a bat?!

Yeah, my bad again, man.

Me too, man, for real.

Damn, Rick.

Somebody didn't enjoy
the ride tonight, huh?

Well, actually
the ride's not over.

Hi.

Oh, snap.

- Hi.
- You got company.

And a first responder?

Uh, thank you
for your service.

Goodnight, nerds.

- Right away?
- All right, Ricky Boy!

No, really. Goodnight.

Thank you, Charlene.

Surprisingly, your rendition
of "Uptown Funk"

did not cure my hangover.

[bell rings]

Okay, that's enough
of the bells, Charlene!

All right, thank you very much.

Okay, up next,

Tami is doing
a very special thing

that I'm just finding out about
while I'm reading this, now.

Uh, Tami?

So yesterday,
some very unflattering photos

were taken of me and I was
scared of them going public.

But some friends
helped me realize

I don't need to be scared.

Those photos will
be posted later today.

But...

I wanted to give you...

the exclusive first.

I'm tired of pretending to be
perfect all the time.

[exhales]

This is me, Tami.

The real Tami.

- Whoo! We love you, Tami!
- That's it!

I'd still go out with you.
I would.

And if you're tired
of pretending too, join me.

Join me!

- Oh!
- Way to go, Jack, yes!

Okay, who's next?

Hoo-ah! Oh, man.

Whoo, boy, boy, boy,
that feels much better.

- Yeah, Kenan!
- Come on, man.

Let your insecurity fly.

- Hell no, I'm good.
- We love you.

- Y'all tripping.
- Right.

My back doctor suggested this.

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