All language subtitles for Bridget And Eamon s04e06 The Imposter.eng

(grunting)

(upbeat music)

- Yoohoo!

- Oh for...

- Oh thank God, I've been to every

badminton center in a 50 mile radius.

I'm so glad I found you.

- So, myself and Noreen are team captains

for doubles badminton.

- I'll pick first.

(grunting excitedly)

I pick Concepta.

And now it's your pick Father.

- Pick me, pick me.

- Oh, well there's no one else.

- Here I am, I'm here.

- We need two players on each team

for doubles badminton.

- Ha, I'm here, Bridget, here I am.

Let's go, let's go.

- You can't really play as a threesome,

well not badminton anyway.

- You don't have to, you don't have to,

I've got my own racket and everything.

(singing in excitement)

- Where is Frank?

I thought Frank was going to be here.

- Oh, I've been told I'm quite good

and I'm fairly handy with the shuttlecock.

(rapid breathing)

- We'll just have to call the game off.

- Oh that's a shame because I've been

told I'm very handy with a shuttlecock.

(laughing)

- I just said that, do I
not exist or something?

- Alright, alright,
let's forget badminton,

let's do some track and field.

- Pole vault, Father?

- Hmm.

(gasping)

- Oh, I'd be very good at that

because I've been up the volt

six, eight times already.

- I, I don't think we have one of those

in the parish sports hall.

What about javelin?

- Oh, that's a shame because I've been

up the pole 10 to 12 times already.

(laughing)

- Oh come on!

(upbeat music)

- [Eamon] Get out of the
way, I can't see the telly.

- Eamon, I don't feel the best.

Look.

- Oh my God, is that a new dress?

You spending money again?

- I've been wearing this dress

for 15 years, look at my shoulder.

- Painful.

- It is, very.

- RTE is painful to watch.

- Eamon, do you not notice
anything different about me?

- Since when did you
start wearing glasses?

- Always!

- You're smoking.

- Eamon, I have a javelin sticking

out of my shoulder.

I said to Noreen, don't throw it,

I was waving and shouting
but she didn't see me

and I think I need to go
to the hospital, Eamon.

You need to take me this time

because if I die, you'll be
left all alone with the kids.

- Can you not drive yourself?

- No!

(Eamon screaming)

- Ah, Bridget, you nearly stabbed me!

You nearly stabbed me!

- Will you take me to the hospital please?

- Why do I have to do
everything around here?

There's never anywhere
to park around here.

- [Bridget] No, no, no!

- [Eamon] Tuck and roll
Bridget, tuck and roll.

- No, no, no, no, no, no!

(Bridget screaming)

(tires screeching)

(thudding)

(groaning)

(door slamming)

(clinking)

(doorbell ringing)

- Bridget!

Bridget, the door!

Bridget, answer the door!

(door bell ringing)

Bridget, will you answer the door?

Bridget!

Bridget!

(groaning)

There you are, get in and answer the door.

(door slamming)

Answer the door, Bridget.

Have you done something with your hair?

Doesn't matter.

Bridget, even though I'm looking

at your face for the last 15 years

day in, day out, it's actually good

to see you, and do you know why?

Because the toilet
upstairs is blocked again

and we've no toilet brush, so roll up

your sleeves and get going before dinner.

- No, I'm not Bridget, I'm Betty,

would you like to sponsor
me for a sponsored walk?

10p a line.

- The shite is not going to unblock

itself Bridget, go on!

Go on!

Wait, you're not...

Going quick enough, go on!

(upbeat music)

- Doctor.

Oh, nurse, nurse, anyone?

I'm still here bleeding
out, probably dying.

Oh thank God.

What the, no, she can't go before.

What the?

I'll do it myself.

(screaming)

- You see I didn't do too great

on the last sponsored walk and so

would you like to sponsor me?

It's only 10p a line.

- Will you stop going
on about mash potatoes?

Mash potatoes, mash potatoes,

you're obsessed with mash potatoes,

I've never eaten them.

I've never eaten them, the last 15 years.

Boiled potatoes, I want boiled potatoes.

- Okay, but about the walk, will I put

you down for a line?

Or two?

- Wait, is that a new dress?

Are you spending money again, Bridget?

- No.

I'm Betty.

- Stop going on about mash potatoes!

Stick it on two there.

(sighing)

- So, just going to wait here for

my husband Eamon to come pick me up,

any minute now.

Any minute now.

(crickets chirping)

Any minute now.

(church bell ringing)

Any minute.

Oh I'm just going to go myself.

(upbeat music)

(screaming)

(panting)

- I was only in visiting my mother.

He told me he'd be back in an hour.

He told me he'd be back.

- Please.

Come on, I'm so hungry!

(crying)

(tapping)

Oh shite.

I'm so cold, I'm going to have to

cut open a sheep and
take out all it's insides

and get inside it, just to keep warm.

I could use my lighter but no, no,

I need it for my cigarettes!

There's a bus.

(upbeat music)

- Oh, I can't wait to project myself

all over the town.

- What're you talking about?

- Father here is doing a bungee jump.

- No, there's no gee Concepta, it's a G.

- But Father, isn't that dangerous?

I mean, we lost the last curate in the

charity rock climbing thingy-bob.

- For the last time, we
didn't lose him, he's dead!

Anyway, Bridget did that rigging course

in England last year.

- That's right, Bridget is the only person

in Ireland with a full qualification

in rigging a bungee chord.

- I've never complimented you in front

of another person my entire life but

you look nearly as good as the women

in the knitting patterns that come free

with Woman's Way magazine.

The ones that I use up
in the bathroom for,

well, you know what I use them for.

- Oh, Bridget, you must feel amazing,

your husband complimenting you

in front of other people.

- I need to go to the toilet.

- Oh.
- Perfect.

(upbeat music)

- Stop the bus!

- Welcome to the Express
replacement bus service.

(sighing)

Calling at Kill, Sallins, New Bridge,

Mountrath, Clonmel,
Borris-in-Ossory, Roscrea,

Horse and Jockey,
Castledaly, Castlepollard.

Tuam Vareh, Nenagh, Borde Hill.

And then there'll be a six minute,

that's a six minute toilet break

at Fagans petroleum
station, then it's onto

Ballynacargy, Trim, no wait a minute,

I think I've got that wrong.

(coughing)

I'll have to start again.

Welcome to the Express
replacement bus service.

(dog barking)

- I'm Betty.

That's Bridget, I'm Betty,
she's Bridget, look.

- I have no idea what you're trying

to say but I've had about eight pints

of Guinness and four whiskeys, so do you

want to throw the leg over, yes or no?

- Er.

(upbeat music)

(gasping)

- Jesus, wow!

Wow!

Oh my God.

I thought you smoked.

Wow, wow!

(panting)

One of us should really
go down and feed the kids.

(groaning)

Wow.

You can have the sponsorship money, Betty.

You can have whatever you want.

- Who's Betty?

I'm Bridget.

- Oh Jesus!

I'll have to retread this baby.

(Eamon groaning)

(dog barking)

Put on one.

- [Television Presenter]
Next week at Festival Focus.

- Put it on two.

- [Television Presenter]
That's next Wednesday at 8:30.

- [Television Presenter]
Gordon Later, a very

special escort indeed.

If there's any other car on
the road that offers the same.

(groaning)

- I'm back!

- Who are you?

- Sorry, what?

- Who are you?

- It's me, Bridget, your wife!

- That's me wife.

- What?

(upbeat music)

I'm your wife, Eamon.

- No, this is my wife.

- That mad old woman
on her sponsored walks,

she's only after your money, 10p a line.

10p a line.

- Do you know what, it's nearly impossible

to make out the difference between you,

except for one tiny little detail.

That's my wife, and we have never met

this mental case woman before

with her loud shrill
annoying voice, have we Be...

Bridget.

- No.

- Stop it now Eamon.

This reminds me of the time you told me

nobody could see or hear
me except on holidays.

- I'm Betty, I mean, Bridget!

(coughing)

- See, see, see Bridget,
it's Bridget, see.

- Concepta, I'm God mother
to two of your children

and God Father to four
more because you're so

stupid, you filled the form out wrong.

- Yes but who are you?

- Grainne, remember I won the two pounds

on the GEA raffle and I was going to

run away to Niece but then I looked

at your misery guts face and I just

lost the will to live again.

- Niece isn't actually
that great a place to shop,

my second cousin died in a shoe shop

up there because there
was too much choice,

and we've never met before.

- Noreen, we were in
junior infants together,

you bullied me all through school.

Remember last Christmas, we were about

to die and you said you were secretly

in love with me all along.

- You must have be confused with somebody

who cares, is what I would say

if you were Bridget, but seeing as

you're just poor simpleton
with bad taste, I won't.

(groaning in frustration)

- Frank!

Your name is Frank and I call you Frank.

- Yeah but on my long birth cert

I'm actually called Francis.

(Bridget squeaking)

- Father Gabriel, you must remember me,

come on, we had a little kiss when we were

teenagers around the
back of Golio's chipper,

remember in the town, and the next day

you joined the priesthood.

- No.

- We did that two week rigging course

for the bungee jump in
London and we shared

a room and I said I'd sleep on the floor

and instead of you saying no, no Bridget,

take the bed, you said okay.

- Hmm.

- I ran guns for you in
the Ereton Rebel Army

and I was arrested and caught

and they tortured me and I never caved.

Oh I never revealed my
connection to you Father.

Surely you'd remember that,
you would, wouldn't you?

- Wait, before you answer
that question Father,

let me hold up this gas light.

Okay, go ahead.

- I do recall something about that,

but I thought that was Concepta.

- No!

It was me, Bridget, Bridget!

With the choppy changey
hair, it's literally

all I ever talk about.

- Real Bridget's hair
is quite choppy changey.

- Yes, yes!

- No, no, no, real Bridget who also

goes by the name Betty over there.

- Her hair's not even
that choppy or changey.

(gasping)

- Mammy!

Mammy!

Tell them, tell them.

- I've never seen you before, and I swear

that on my youngest daughter's life.

(Bridget squeaking)

- I'm your youngest daughter.

- She's not.

I just popped in to get that gas light,

is it working?

- Yes, it is, Bridget's mammy.

- I can prove I'm Bridget.

- How?

- Oh, I don't know.

- Wait!

I know, there is only one
way we can solve this.

Well, there's probably several ways

we can solve this but let's go

with the way I'm thinking.

- Okay, okay.

- [Betty] Eamon, upstairs.

- Not now, not in front of strangers.

Okay, come on.

Just going up to ride her, by the way.

- Yeah, we got that.

- Well when I return, I will tell you

the one way that we can solve this,

after I ride her.

(upbeat music)

Wow, well that was both side of the album.

Wow, wow, wow, wow!

Okay, I will now tell you the only way

we can solve this.

- Yes, bring in the kids.

- No, we are going to reenact
the popular RTE game show.

- Quicksilver.

- Where In The World.

- That'll work.

(upbeat music)

(cheering and applauding)

- Welcome everybody to the game show

that almost will certainly prove

who the real Bridget is.

- Eamon, where's all my ornaments?

Where's my 3D Pope John Paul?

Where's my--
- Shh!

Shut up fake Bridget.

I sold them all so I could turn

our good room into a
fake TV game show studio,

just in case a situation
like this ever arose.

- Well that certainly
explains all of that.

Good idea Eamon.

- Why do we have to wear these, Eamon?

- Did you just forget to get me one Eamon?

Is it?

- Yeah.

Now, round one.

Question one goes to
Betty, I mean real Bridget.

Now, Betty, do you speak almost

imperceptibly quiet and
almost have no confidence?

(ping)

- Erm, I think so.

- Correct!

- Eamon!

- Shut up Bridget.

Fake disgusting Bridget.

Now it's your turn.

Stick this fork in your leg.

- That's not a question.

- Yes it is.

- Not.

- This is nothing like Where In The World.

- Okay, relax.

Okay, here's your question Bridget,

here's your question, fake Bridget,

here you go, here you go, okay.

Would you be able to stand the pain

of sticking this fork into your leg?

(pinging)

- Yes, 'cause I had a javelin in my.

(gasping)

I would, yeah.

- [Eamon] Do it.

(crunching)

(upbeat music)

(groaning)

- Oh my gosh!
(applauding)

Totally fine.

- Now, next question and that is for

the real Bridget.

Now, real Bridget, how much is it

for a line on a five mile sponsored walk?

(tense music)

There you go, now you
definitely know this one.

Here you go.

(ping)

- 2p?

- No, no, no, how much...

During the sponsored walk you were doing,

the card you had, and at the end of it

people were putting down the amount.

Do you remember that?

You had it yesterday.

How much were people putting...

How much, press the button there, go on.

(ping)

- 5p?

- No.

What does it say there?

What does it say?

Here, press the button and say that.

(ping)

- 10p.

- 10p, well done, correct.

Now, fake disgusting Bridget,

if you pass these series of challenges

you could catch Betty, sorry, real Bridget

and win the game.

That or you'll die.

- Huh?

- Let's go.

(upbeat music)

(applauding)

(electricity sparking)

- I did it.

(applauding)

I did it.

- Peas should be on that side,

carrots should be on that side.

(applauding)

- There's really no attempt to be anything

like Where In The World here at all.

(dog barking)

- Well, we have no choice, we know now

who the real Bridget is.

- Who?

Betty?

- No, not Betty, the
other one who's identical.

- Come on Eamon, announce it.

(Eamon groaning)

- Thank you, thank you.

After all the tests and quizzes

we have finally proven
who the real Bridget is

and that woman is Betty.

- But Eamon, I passed, I did everything

you asked of me.

I'm the winner, I'm
clearly the real Bridget.

You telling me after all these years

of marriage, living
together all these years

under the same roof that
you can't recognize me,

that I mean that little to you?

- Yeah, Betty's the winner.

- Bridget and Eamon go upstairs now?

- No, not now Betty, actually yeah,

go get a hot water bottle.

(gasping)

- Hot water bottle Eamon,
how could you do this to me?

- Bridget, we've all agreed scientifically

beyond all reasonable
doubt that you're not

the real Bridget, Bridget.

Isn't that right, Father?

- Well.

- And we have no idea who this sick old

twisted imposter is right now in me house,

so why don't you piss off Bridget?

Or whatever your name is.

- I don't care.

I'm done with being Bridget, I'm going

to change my name to something
really exotic like Suellen.

I'm going to move to
Niece and start my single,

childless, single life as an independent

woman of the 80s, and I'm not going

to wait another minute!

I'm not going to wait
another second, starting now!

(upbeat music)

- Welcome to the Express
replacement service Niece,

calling at Kill, Sallins, New Bridge,

Clonmel, Borris-in-Ossory, Roscrea,

Horse and Jockey, Dunkerrin, Letterkenny,

Morse, New Ross.

- That's a bit more like
Where In The World now, huh?

- [Bus Driver] Ballyhaunis,
Ennis, Tuam Vareh.

- [Eamon] Jesus Christ, will you jump?

- Wait, I'm pretty sure it was the fake

Bridget and not this new Bridget

that did the bungee rigging course.

- Jesus, we don't have
all day, will you jump?

- I think we should get
the other Bridget back.

- She left two days ago, jump!

- No, the bus is still
there, I can see her on it.

- Nenagh, Borde Hill.

- Stop the bus!

- You sure, we haven't got anywhere yet.

- I know how to prove in Bridget.

I need to get off!

(upbeat music)

- Betty here, I mean, Bridget, is just

as good at rigging up
bungee chords, aren't you?

- What's a bungee?

- You see!

Go on, jump.

- It's just my head will hit the tarmac

and smash open like a rotten turnip

if she gets the length of the bungee

just even a wee bit wrong.

- Eamon, Eamon!

Eamon, Eamon!

Eamon?

Yoohoo!

Eamon!
- Do you hear a?

- No I hear nothing.
- Eamon!

- Go on, jump!
- Eamon!

- Go on, go on, jump.
- I'm here, look.

Woo, I'm right behind you.
- We'll have to give back

the money if you don't.

- Hello?
- Jesus Christ,

just jump off, will you?

- Eamon, Eamon!

- Go on, go on, quickly.

- Eamon!

Eamon.

I'm not going down without a fight,

if you ignore the fight that I just lost

and came up after.

(laughing)

- I told you, I don't
know who you are Bridget.

- I can prove you know who I am.

Why don't you do the bungee jump

and get your wife, the one you know

exists to rig you up?

The only person in Ireland qualified

to rig a bungee chord.

- Yeah, I will.

Come on erm, Bridget, rig me up

there for the bungee.

- I don't know how to.

- Just do it, look,
you're embarrassing me now

in front of other people, come on.

- Okay.

- Come on, get the rope.

See, that looks safe.

- So you're going to jump like that

and risk certain death, rather than

acknowledge my existence or that

I'm the real Bridget.

- Yeah.

- So you're going to face death, Eamon,

face death rather than spend the rest

with your life with me, the real Bridget,

and your six to eight kids.

- Now that you put it like that.

(car revving)

- [Bridget] Oh, Eamon, there's
never any parking here.

- No Bridget, no, Bridget no, no!

- Tuck and roll Eamon, tuck and roll.

(car tire screeching)

(groaning)

(gentle piano music)

- Bridget.

Bridget.

Bridget.

Bridget.

Oh.

Oh.

Bridget.

(groaning)

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