All language subtitles for Bridget And Eamon s03e06 The Trip to Lourdes.eng

- Peter said to Paul,
we shall go to Galilee.

Paul said, would we not be
better going later in the day

to avoid the traffic and the Romans?

No, said Peter.

We'll take the long way
round via Bethlehem.

I've to pick up some tunics and stuff

that I left in my brother's house.

This is the word of the lord.

Please be seated for the parish notes.

- Eamon, have you change
for the collection?

- I told you to get change
before we left the house.

- You need cash to get
change, I don't have any cash.

- If you didn't keep
spending all the housekeeping

on fags and Valium--

- That's the only little thing I have.

- I've only a tenner.

Ask Noreen has she change.

- Noreen, have you change for a tenner?

- If I did, Bridget, do
you think I'd be here?

I'd be off sunning myself in
Monte Carlo or Wexford or--

- I'm surprised that Eamon
made it to Mass, Bridget.

He was in the pub until six this morning

with Seamus Fennessy.

- Oh, you'd plenty of cash to be drinking

with Seamus Fennessy last night, you big--

- Bollards will be placed
outside the church next weekend

to celebrate the life of Podrick Bollard

whose mother's sister's
husband was from the area.

The Taoiseach and dignitaries
will not be in attendance.

Podrick Bollard of
course, was the inventor

of the red and white tape
that is tied between Bollards.

- If I put this tenner in,
we've nothing for the week.

- Well, you should have
thought of that last night

when you nicking pints you--

- Country music legend
Big Tom and the Mainliners

will be performing in
the hall next weekend

to raise much-needed funds
to continue the search

for the local badminton
club, who went into hiding

following the Iran-Contra affair.

- Frank's doing the collection,
I'll ask him for change.

Frank I'm putting a tenner in

but I'm getting change back out.

- No, no can do.

People are doing that,

but they're takin out more
than they're puttin in.

- Frank, it's a tenner!

- Hands are tied, you know,
strict instructions here, so.

- Frank, it's a tenner.

Frank, Frank, it's a tenner.

Frank!

- Sorry is there an issue down there?

A little help.

(grunting)

- Oh Jesus, I'm having
a mini heart-attack.

- I wish you had a big one you fat--

- Finally, the moment
we've all been waiting for.

It's that time of year
again and we're going

on our annual holiday, I
mean, pilgrimage, to Lourdes.

(congregation squeals)

- Remember that last year, Noreen.

It was mad crack wasn't it.

- You know what they say Grainne,

if you remember Lourdes you weren't there.

- Oh god, the food and
the wine and the crack.

- Did you pray?

Did anyone get healed?

- (sniggering) Jesus, Bridget,

have you never been to Lourdes?

- No, but I really want to go.

How did you all get to go?

- Well we had very sick people
to bring with us Bridget.

- I tried to get my niece to
pretend she had chronic piles

but apparently it's not cool anymore.

- Now there are two new free places

on the mini-bus this year.

(congregation cheers)

Dolores Donaghan is dead, so
she's freed up two new places.

- I'm not dead!

I'm going to Medjugorje instead.

- Well you may as well be dead Dolores.

The Church doesn't recognize Medjugorje.

- Lourdes is for amateurs.

Medjugorje is where the hard-core fans go.

All you do when you're
over there is go to discos.

- How dare you!

It's two weeks of solid devotion.

I mean we might accidentally
end up at a disco,

but I, (stuttering).

Get out Dolores Donaghan, get out!

- Don't mind if I do.

You're a joke.

Call yourself a priest.

You're the worst priest in this county.

I'm going over to Saint
Jude's, they're way better.

- Sorry for that interruption there.

- Don't remember going to a disco.

- Two words for you Grainne, roof-fies.

- Oh god yeah, that was gas.

- I'm getting on that bus
by hell or high-water Eamon.

Eamon?

Eamon? Eamon.

Eamon!

Eamon, get back here! Eamon.

- Sic em boys.

(grunting)

(upbeat music)

- No, no, no!

These are no use.

We need someone that's so hopeless

that Father Gabriel can't refuse.

Somebody who's sick enough
that they need to be cured,

but they're not like that sick

that they're no crack on the bus.

(gasp) I know, your cousin
Dennis, he looks awful!

- For the last time Bridget!

He's not sick, he's from
Longford, they all look like that.

- Oh, you're right Eamon.

Think!

- No.

- You're not helping.

- Bring one of the kids, PJ
or JP or whatever his name is.

- Ooh, the middle one?

Oh no, he gives me the creeps.

- Well he's the thickest one.

So if you're not going to go with him,

I don't know who you're
gonna bring and I don't care.

- Next you'll be saying you
prefer if I was unhappy.

- Bridget, I'm going
to give that statement

the dignity it deserves
by not responding to it.

As a proud Irishman, of course
I want you to be as unhappy

as me, if not even more so.

No, no, what we need here is a miracle.

Somebody who will stay on the
bus all the way to France,

with you!

(laughing)

Remember that time, I accidentally
asked ya, how's it going?

(laughing)

I actually started to
ask you about your life

as if I give a shit. (laughing)

- I have it Eamon.

It's been staring us in
the face this whole time.

How about someone who
looks so incapable of life

you actually feel sorry for them.

- Of course.

- You.
- You.

- Me.

- What!

(pot clanging)

What are you doing you
mad-- (pot clanging).

- (sighing) I love religions.

(knocking on door)

- Is Eamon in?

(Pot clanging to floor)

- What? Who? What?

- Eamon, your husband.

Overweight, ginger hair, not my type.

- Ha, him yeah.

Oh, him.

- Right, well he's just in the kitchen.

I'll just go on through to him.

- Ya can't.

- Why not?

- Because all my dirty knickers

are dryin all over the place.

- Hmmph, nothing I haven't
seen before. (chuckling)

Sure after two midlines coolers,

Aunt Jo was desperate
to show me her knickers.

- He's gone out, yes.

Good one Bridget.

Yes, he said he's gone out

to something extremely treacherous.

So don't be surprised if he
comes back seriously injured.

- Hmm, that doesn't sound
like the Eamon I know.

He's so lazy he refuses to
take the communion in his hand

because he says, why should I have

to raise my arm up to my own face.

I always have to give
it to him in the mouth.

- No, it does, yeah.

He went out with a canoe under one arm.

A loader-all for climbing under the other

and a container of petrol.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

But if he isn't, I wouldn't be surprised

or question it at all, ever.

- Oh, that's a shame.

Because as a result of his
tenner in the collection

I was going to ask him to be on the panel

to judge who's the most
deserving sick person

to go on the annual
holiday, I mean pilgrimage,

to Lourdes.

- Really!

- Yes, in an event inspired
by TV talent shows,

I'm calling, What's Wrong With You.

- I could be a judge on the
panel for What's Wrong With Ya.

- But I thought you always
made tea when the sick people

were on the late lay Bridget.

I thought you couldn't
stand the sight of them.

- No, I love listening to people moaning

about what's wrong with them.

Sure, I got a medal in school

for actually pointing out
what's wrong with people.

For example, Father Gay,

you have a whiff of a yeast infection.

- Alright, you can be on the panel.

God, I hope we find
someone deserving to go.

It's a very important part of the holiday,

I mean, pilgrimage.

- So do I, so do I.
(ominous music)

- You said that a bit weird.

- I did yeah.

- Right, well, okay.

What's Wrong With You
is in three days time.

I've got to hit the sunbeds.

Oh, classic me to say
something dandy like that

as I'm leaving, isn't it.

(chuckling)

(ominous music)

- I'm your number one fan.

Don't worry, you're going to be just fine.

I'm going to take good care of you.

I'm your number one fan.

- How long have I been out for?

- 22 hours.

- Number one fan, what
are you talking like that?

- Oh, did you think I was talking to you?

No, I was talking to my Johnny Logan.

You see I've had the room re-decorated

while you were passed out.

(sighing) What's going
to happen is I'm going

to give you copious amounts of drugs

and bash your face in with this hurhurland

till your mother couldn't even
pick you out in a line-up,

So, I get a seat on that bus.

I figured out with just the right dosage,

I can still have my way with you.

- No, no, no.

- Oh yes Eamon.

One for you.

- No, no, no.

(coughing)

- A few for me.

Now, who's to say before
we get on that bus

we can't have a little fun.

- How is dressing me
up in an exact replica

of Johnny Logan's 1980s
Eurovision suit, fun, Bridget?

Jesus Christ.

- Johnny, your language.

I don't like it.

- That's how people talk.

- They do not.

What do you think I say when
I go an get the messages.

Oh, can I have a slice
pan, you big bastard!

Or when I go to the butchers
and get a pound of mince.

Oh can I have a pound of
mince, you big bollocks!

Or when I go and have my hair done.

Oh, can I get the chop and change you big

(screaming unintelligibly)

Oh I'm so sorry.

I just, I get really worked up sometimes.

Can you ever forgive me?

- No, and when I get out of here

I'm going to fuckin kill you.

- That's nice Johnny.

Now, it's time, go on, don't be shy.

- For the last time,
I am not Johnny Logan.

You've been taking to many
of those pills Bridget.

Now let me go.

- Sing your song Johnny.

Sing your song you've
written for the Eurovision.

- What song?

(yelling)

- ♪ You and me ♪

♪ Walking down the shops ♪

♪ Or other well known European city ♪

♪ Why don't we fly across
the continent of Europe ♪

♪ To Marker, Germany ♪

♪ Where this competition is popular ♪

- You murdered my Johnny Logan's song.

- It needs the full
orchestra Bridget, please.

- I thought you were good Johnny.

But you're just another
dirty bird who can only win

two Eurovision trophies.

I don't think I can be around you anymore.

- Thank God for that.

- Whoops a daisy, forgot the gin.

Eamon, I'm off to the shop to
get more fags for the trip.

I'll be back in a precise amount of time.

I wouldn't think of
trying to ruin my chances

of going on the trip to
Lourdes by trying to escape

in a tension-filled
dramatic way, if I were you.

(door slamming)

(dramatic suspenseful music)

(grunting)

(yelling in pain)

- Yes!

Come on Eamon, you've seen this

a thousand times on MacGyver.

Ah dammit.

Ah yes!

(grunting)

I'm free!

Oh shite, I'm upstairs.

- Are you out of your room Eamon?

- Yeah, you were quick.

- Yeah, I'm going to
get my fags in France.

They're a lot cheaper,
I just realized that.

- Yeah, okay.

- Okay.

- Okay, I'll head back to bed I suppose.

- Do.

- Are you going to punish me
for being out of the room?

- No, you've been through enough.

- You promise?

- Okay.

- You definitely not
going to punish me are ya?

- I promise on my ornaments.

- It's just that it's
kinda not in your character

to say that you wouldn't and then

you kinda go ahead and do it anyway.

- Yeah I know.

- So you definitely won't?

- I don't think so.

- You see, the think there

is kinda making me think you might.

- Is it making you nervous?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

- If you could be a bit more
definitive and say something

like, Eamon, I promise I
won't punish you for this.

Something like that.

- Eamon, I definitely, I
can't remember what you said.

- Just say this, I
definitely won't punish you.

Will you say that?

- Yeah.

- To be honest, Bridget, I'd
prefer if you said yes to yeah

because yeah implies
some kind of flippancy.

- Okay.

- Yeah, you see okay is
kind of worse than yeah.

If you just said, I
promise I won't punish ya.

- Uh huh.

- Well, uh huh is like in a third place

between yeah and okay.

Do you know what I mean?

Like now, it's getting less and less

kind of a more definite statement.

- Right.

- Like if you just went
back and said what you said

at the very start, like, oh I
definitely won't punish you.

That would be great.

- I definitely won't.

- You definitely won't what?

- What are we talking about?

- The punishment that you
said you definitely won't.

- Yes, yes.

- So are you going to punish me?

- Do you want tea?

- Yeah, okay.

- Okay.

You were out of your room.

- Yeah, I know.

You said it was alright.

- I changed my mind,
I'm going to hobble you.

- What! What!

No Bridget, Bridget, come
on now think, think Bridget.

I'll hold your hand in public.

I'll kiss your full bottom for
a prolonged period of time.

I'll murder your mother Bridget.

Bridget please don't! Bridget!

- Shhhh, trust me, it's for the best.

(yelling in pain)

- We're definitely going to Lourdes now.

I'll get you some flat
seven-up for those ankles.

- And dry toast!

It doesn't work without the dry toast, oh.

(upbeat music)

- Hello everyone and welcome
to What's Wrong with You.

The most appropriate
way to select somebody

most worthy of being cured at Lourdes

when we go there on holiday,

I mean pilgrimage, this weekend.

- Now everybody just relax.

You know, be yourself.

Have fun with it, have fun with it.

But if anybody's feeling
unwell, just go home.

- No, don't relax.

Because if I find out
that any of you are faking

your injuries or have self-inflicted them

in order to gain access to
sexually liberated French discos.

There'll be serious hell to pay.

Remember what happened last
year when Peggy Corbett

tried to pretend her husband had AIDS.

- Did we go to her
house and burn them out?

- We did.

And on that cheery note, let's begin.

So what's wrong with you?

- I suffer greatly with
clinical depression.

- De-what? Depression!

(laughing) I've never heard of it.

It's a no from me.

Next!

(sobbing)

(dramatic music)

- Father Gabriel, Bridget,

I need the seat on that bus for my Tommy.

Please, Tommy has gotten so bad

he can't even chew his own food.

He wees himself on a daily basis

and now he dribbles all the time.

- Tommy's four-months old Concepta!

- Exactly, a child.

Oh Father Gabriel, how
could you say no to a child.

- Out!

Some people are so desperate.

- I have to say I agree
with Bridget on this one.

We may have to consider
a slight burning down

of your house for this Concepta.

- Sorry Father, thanks Father.

- Well I have to say it's
going to be a definite--

- No!

We all know she's a bit of a slut.

(dramatic music)

(yelling)

(coughing)

(banging)

- What was that noise?

- Oh, it was probably some of the children

throwing the younger
children down the stairs.

For the laugh.

Next!

Cancer! (laughing)

Will you look at the
state of-- (laughing).

Next!

No!

No! Next.

- No.
- No.

Next!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh it looks like there's
no one sick enough

to go on the holiday, the pilgrimage.

No one that--

Oh no, she looks totally simple.

She'll definitely get the full pass.

- Why Bridget, it's me Grainne.

You said you wanted a
hand with the sandwiches.

But wait, did you think there
was something wrong with me?

Like something seriously wrong with me.

Is that what you thought Bridget?

- No, no, no. (laughing)

You've changed your...

Summin.

Although, if I was just
to set my eyes on you

for the first time and I
didn't know you at all,

I would think there was
something wrong with ya.

- I do get that a lot.

Will I put the sandwiches
into the kitchen?

- That will be great.

- We haven't shortlisted anyone.

God, I was much quicker
doing this myself last year.

I'm beginning to think

this wasn't such a good idea, after all.

- If it wasn't for me you
would have brought Concepta

and her crying baby on the
holiday, I mean pilgrimage.

(dramatic music)

(moaning)

- Eamon, are you okay?

How did this happen?

- Help me.

- He's fine, he's on so much
prescription medication.

Sure he thought he was
Johnny Logan a few hours ago.

- But I only saw you the other
day Eamon and you were fine.

(muttering incoherently)

The Chinese did this to you, but why?

(muttering incoherently)

You were doing a drug deal with the triads

and you tried to rip them
off and they did this to you!

- No, how did you get that
from what I just said?

- Eamon, how many times
do I have to tell you.

Don't mess with the Chinese mafia.

- Oh you always say that.

You did a whole mass on it last August.

- What are you talking
about, just help me.

- I will.

You my child, are going to Lourdes.

(gasping)

And the Virgin Mary and her
miraculous interventions

will cure you.

And if that doesn't work,

the French have a
wonderful medical system.

(upbeat music)

- I just can't wait to go.

- I know but does anyone parley Francaise.

- I did once with Brendan's
friend Francis from Tipperary.

But I got bored after a while

so I just let the two of them go at it.

- No I mean speak French.

- Oh yeah, that's what I meant too.

- I picked up a few phrases.

(speaking French) it
means we are from Ireland.

- No, no, Bridget I think
it means we're from a shit--

- Holy God girls you look fab.

The bus will be here any second.

I've got the collection full
of cash for spending money,

including Eamon's tenner.

Oh this is going to be the
most lesbian holiday ever,

oh I mean pilgrimage.

(groaning)

- What's going on here?

- Help me.

- He's just so excited to go.

- Yes Eamon, about that, I spoke
to my contact in the triads

and it seems there's been
no drug deal, double-cross

or revenge-beating in the past week.

So what's going on Bridget?

You're faking Eamon.

Or you meant the triad musical society

from the next town over, am I right?

- No!

- I thought so.

Carry on.

- (gasping) Oh please, our Lady please.

I don't ask for much but maybe I do.

But please make something
terrible happen to Bridget.

Please, please, please.

(angelic music)

- What is it Eamon, what do you see?

- Oh my God, it's our Lady
and she looks beautiful.

- Where is she?

I don't see her.

- What do you mean you don't see her,

she's over there with the blinding light.

- Oh, Eamon, look it's your
tenner, I'll go get it.

I got it, Eamon, I got it.

Oh I'm okay, I'm okay.

- For fuck's sake.

- Okay let's go.

♪ Everywhere we go ♪

- ♪ Everywhere we go ♪

- ♪ People always ask us ♪

- ♪ People always ask us ♪

- ♪ Who we are ♪

- ♪ Who we are ♪

- ♪ Where do we come from ♪

- ♪ Where do we come from ♪

- ♪ And we always tell them ♪

- ♪ And we always tell them ♪

we're from--

- Wait, wait, wait, we'll
play eye-spy instead okay.

I spy, with my little eye,
something beginning with G.

- God.

- No.

- Gabe, Father Gabe.

- Great pain.

- No.

Do you want me to tell ya?

- Yeah.

- Gin.

(everyone cheering)

- I spy with my little eye
something beginning with G.

- No, Bridget, we've already done G.

- Gun!

- Take this minibus to Medjugorje!

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