All language subtitles for The.Starter.Marriage.2021.2160p.4K.WEB.x265.10bit.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]-En

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Trijah.

My heaven-sent princess.

Would you make me

the happiest man in the world

by marrying me?

Oh, Trenton.

I declare, I don't
know what to say!

Did you hear what I said?

Trijah.

Trijah!

Cut!

Trijah, darling.

You still don't know your lines.

Opening night is
three days away.

I know, I'm sorry.

Whenever Trenton
looks up to my eyes

I just get all flustery.

That's because he's
giving his all to the role.

Just like Brando
did when I worked

with him on
Broadway.

You worked with Marlon Brando?

Ew, heavens no,
that charlatan.

Brando Horowitz, at the On
Broadway Truck Stop Cafe

in the Appallachian
Mountains.

Mmm.

Everyone, take five.

I'm sorry.

Visiting Trijah world again?

Hey, I likr Trijah world.

We're both married and our
kids were the president

and vice president.

Yeah?

No?

Hey, Pete-o!

You're late, Marko, again.

Work?

Hard work never
killed anybody,

but I'm not taking any chances.

Sorry, sorry, I...

Had to work late.

Even on Saturday.

What did I miss?

Well, his divorce
is final today.

And his philosophy
on how marriage

was invented by a mad
scientist in a government lab

whose sole purpose is
to drive men insane.

Sounds like a classic.

Mark, Mark, meet
my friend over there.

Hi.

Anything else?

Well, my husband hasn't said
anything stupid enough yet

to get him a room at
Hotel Le Couch, so...

Stay tuned.

We haven't reached halftime yet.

So how you doing, buddy?

I still love Vicky.

Mm-mm.

You were too good for her.

Yes, man.

No, no, I wasn't.

I'm a fricking douche rod.

She was an angel, man.

No.

She burned your car.

- Mm.
- Right.

And slept with your
business partner.

Yeah.

She did that so she could
become a better lover for me.

He does not believe it.

She told you that?

Yeah, every time I
caught them together.

Dude, didn't she get you fired

from your own business?

Hey Mark.

Hmm?

Where's Amanda?

I think she was
trying to kill me.

Hi, Amanda.

Hey, I forgot to
tell you earlier

that I won't be able to
make our date tonight.

What, are you afraid?

No, no, not afraid.

Bungee spelunking could be fun.

But you
missed our last date.

Yes, yes, I remember, I
missed our last date too, but...

You're just scared.

No, no, not scared.

But seriously, what kind
of a zoo allows people

to do yoga with bears?

Modern
progressive zoos do.

Well, I'm sorry
to hear that, Mark.

How many times did y'all go out?

Four times, including
the blind date

- that I wasn't able to make.
- Mmm, that's too bad 'cause

date four, that's the sex date.

Oh!

No, no, no, I'm pretty
sure it's the fifth.

Oh, he's cute.

Key of E flat.

♪ Happy divorcio to you ♪

♪ Happy divorcio to you ♪

♪ Happy divorcio, stupido ♪

♪ Happy divorcio to you ♪

Yay!
That was so good!

It's okay.

Sometimes you kiss a lot
of frogs to find a prince.

That is the stupidest
thing I have ever heard.

You don't go to a toad ranch
searching for a hippo, jeez.

Go back to your book, okay?

Tara, there are other
eels in the sea.

You're taking
this awfully well.

Wait, did you win this time?

I guessed six weeks
on the money, uh huh.

Yes, but I won the last
three times before that.

This is my life.

Hey.

You'll find the right
person someday, okay?

And you'll be happily
married just like us.

And your sister, your brother,
Aunt Breezsha, Cousin Mokita.

Cousin Mokita.

And then you can
move out of my house

so I can turn the
basement into my man cave.

We don't even have a basement.

Oh, hush father.

Pay him no mind, okay?

You can stay here as long
as you pay your share

of the rent on time.

Every time I think
about getting married,

a picture of your wedding
day pops in my head.

Yeah, and?

And then I think, I'm
never getting married.

Whatever.

If I was in charge of the
department of getting married,

I would make everyone have
to get a marriage permit

in order to get a
marriage license.

Like a permit to drive a car?

Exactly.

Everyone would have to do

like 8700 hours worth of
practicing to be married

in order to take
the marriage test

and then get your
marriage license.

Yeah, there you go.

Come on buddy.

Yeah, yeah, go
straight, go straight.

And I'll back you in,
go straight, yeah.

Yeah don't forget the shoes.

That way.

Ooh!

So how's he doing?

Passed out like a baby

in Vicky's laced panties.

She
told me he did that.

Wish someone
would have told me.

Well, if you need
anything, call Luke.

I'm going to bed.

See you Friday
night for charades?

I don't know if I'll
be able to make it.

I'll see you Friday night,
seven sharp for charades.

- I'll try to-
- I'll see you

Friday night, seven
p.m. sharp for charades.

Friday, seven
sharp, I'll be there.

Good.

Kay, bye.

Say bye, Luke.

Bye, Luke.

I didn't say "say 'Bye Luke'",

I said "say 'Bye', Luke".

Bye, Mark.

It's baloney.

I fried it.

Thank you.

Bye, comma, Erika.

We'll cut our
rates by 40 percent

if you buy advertising with us.

Well, just give
us a chance to...

Hello?

Hello?

Dammit.

They went with
Kong Radio over us.

I should have stuck
with the Hawaiian

country folk format.

It's lit.

I was sure Gavin Beers
would buy advertising with us.

It makes sense, we
have more listeners.

Water under the
toaster, we can't run

unless we make horrific
mistakes like you just did.

You know what we should do?

Put ecoli in the Gavin Beers

and when K.O.N.G. drops them,

charge advertising
at triple the price?

No.

We should go after their
number one competitor.

Logan Microbrews.

Oh, my Steely Dan,
you're so right.

Make the call.

Two steps ahead of you, boss.

No, you're not,
you're sitting down.

Hey, Patricia.

Is my dad here?

You know my name is Eileen.

Why do you keep doing this?

I'm sorry, it's
just that your name

is so similar to my
dad's fifth wife.

Patricia, Patricia, Eileen.

So close.

I'll wake him.

Jose.

Marky Mark.

What are you doing
here so early?

Coffee, latte, Bloody Mary?

All of the above?

I'll just take a water, dad.

Look, you have got
to stop calling me dad.

I am hardly the father
figure these days.

Look at me as one
of your lit homies.

So what's the hap,
the biz, the 311?

Don't you usually
come by for dinner

instead of breakfast?

I noticed Ma's
picture was no longer

on the wall of fame.

Makes Eileen uncomfortable.

That's why you stopped
talking about Ma?

It makes her uncomfortable?

It's complicated.

You two were happy, right?

Absolutely.

You think you'd still be
together if she was still alive?

What's going on?

You are way too young for the

"Why am I here, where did
I come from" phase of life.

I'm thinking of
getting married.

Hey!

Mark's getting hitched!

Break out the expensively
cheap champagne!

Get it yourself.

So who is she?

I don't know yet.

You remember Keith?

Your old college roommate?

Mhmm.

- You're marrying him?
- Hmm.

I thought there was
something about him.

What, no.

Hey, whatever
floats your yacht.

It's not him.

His divorce is final.

You're a rebound?

No.

Booty call?

Dad, stop.

As I was saying,

Keith had this brilliant idea

that everyone should
have a starter marriage.

To make all the
mistakes the first time

so they can have a successful
marriage the second time.

I'm thinking of doing that.

Why?

I have this master
plan for my 20s.

Got my college degree at 21,

become the marketing executive

for a kick ass
radio station by 26,

buy a home at 27.

By 28-

- So would this be
an actual marriage?

Of course.

With all the benefits
and struggles.

That's why I wanted
to pass it by you,

a marriage expert.

More of a divorce expert
than a marriage expert.

Know more about what makes
them fail than succeed.

That's the 311
I'm looking for.

Okay.

I'll have my secretary send
over a list of mistakes

my wives made first
thing tomorrow.

How long you plan this
experimentation going?

One year, like an internship,

so I can gain the
necessary experience

for the real full-time marriage.

Okay.

When you find your
future ex-wife,

stop by the office and
we'll draw up the paperwork.

Great.

When I get married for real,

I wanna have a happy union

just like you and mom did.

I hope you do too, son.

Man,
what is so urgent

that you interrupted
my Cake Wars marathon?

Through dogged research,

I have compiled a list of
the most common problems

that lead to divorce.

During the year's time,

said participants will
do every wrong thing

to ensure that this starter
marriage will not work.

Upon completion, the
participants will have gotten

every wrong action
out of the way

and will be prepared
for the second marriage.

And now, for the objectives.

Fight over money,

sex, not enough sex,
poor communication,

lack of trust,
lying, dishonesty,

coming home late, being distant,

forgetting birthdays
and anniversaries,

the silent treatment, don't
get along with family,

don't like friends, jealousy,
holding on to grudges,

liking Instagram pics,
commenting on Instagram pics,

- following Instagram pics.
- Whoa, whoah.

Where did you get this list?

Mostly the internet.

Oh, and my dad's six marriages.

And Luke and Erika.

And of course, you.

Well you forgot one.

What?

Not caring about the
other person's feelings.

Oh, that's a good one.

I'll add that later.

You think it's karma?

I think men are idiots.

And eventually he'll get
what's coming to him.

I can actually speed that up

if you'd like me to.

No, no thank you.

I'm just gonna go home

and watch The Real
Housewives and

dream of something
I'll never be.

A skank?

No!

A real housewife, ugh.

Well, my friends and I are
playing charades tonight.

You wanna come?

It'll take your mind
off being dumped.

I do crush at charades.

Come on, we need
another woman.

I can't.

I have to go home and
listen to my parents argue

over who's gonna be
the next bachelorette.

Tara.

We're playing men versus women.

Come on.

You know you wanna go, come on.

Fine, I'll come, I'll come.

Okay, first word.

Is it taking a pill?

Vicodin, Zoloft.

Organic spirulina?

What?

Gingko biloba?

Female Viagra!

Okay.

Aspirin.

Okay.

Second word.

Gas?

Gas?

Aspirin gas?

As gas, asparagus?

- Okay, asparagus.
- Asparagus, Asparagus.

Stalking the Wild Asparagus!

Yes, ladies win again!

Suck on it, boys.

Fellas gotta
make dinner next week, yes!

Haha, and no corndogs
on paper plates this time.

Guys!

Guys.

I have
an announcement to make.

I've been thinking all week

about Keith's theory
on first marriages.

Oh no.

In preparing for a marriage
that will last a lifetime,

I have decided to get
married for one year,

make all the mistakes
that destroy marriages,

just to get them out of the
way and learn from them.

Okay, did you
put him up to this?

Absolutely not.

I even created a business plan

with goals, market
analysis, and timelines.

Come on guys, I
know this can work.

It sounds romantic.

Why not just live together?

No, have to be married,
no easy escape clause.

Hmm, people do act differently

once they get that
ring on your finger.

Okay, okay.

Look, Erika and I lived
together at first.

And then afterwards, everything
changed after the I dos.

I went from being Mr. Wonderful

to being Mr. Work In Progress.

Okay, stop while
you're still married,

- all right?
- Hey, I'm just saying.

- I'm just saying.
- Look,

I agree with you.

If you want to
experience married life,

you need to actually be married.

Have you found
the lucky lady yet?

Not yet.

FYI, you can't
return a mail order bride.

I'm just saying.

That's a good one.

Well, who the hell else is
gonna want a starter marriage

for a year and then
a starter divorce

on their permanent record?

Good point, good point.

A prostitute.

- Yeah.
- I'm just saying.

Someone who's strapped for cash

and still lives at home
with their parents.

- Are you paying, that's...
- Uh huh.

No.

The only incentive is
that they will be prepared

for the perfect marriage

after the divorce, of course.

Definitely someone who
has given up all hope

on ever getting married.

Well what do you think, Tara?

What you say?

What type of
person do you think

could help Mark out with
this starter marriage thing?

A fool.

Oh.

Aha!

- Here here.
- She just got here.

You know, I like her.

I told you you would.

Welcome.

There walks a fool.

- You move like I said.
- Absolutely, absolutely.

I mean, it's gonna be good.

- I'll take care of it.
- Get a different turtleneck.

- I thought you loved this.
- Just go before you miss her and have an accident

- or something.
- Come on our show's

- coming up, bye y'all.
- All right.

I have your cell phone,

your work phone, your
junk email, work email,

LinkedIn, Twitter,
Facebook and Myspace.

Myspace?

It could make a comeback.

And I have your
cellphone number.

Perfect.

I'll give you a call if
I can think of anyone.

Thank you.

Oh, and by the way, what
was your name again?

It's Trijah, but you can
call me Tara, T, Tisha, Tri,

Tameka, Tina.

Okay, goodnight.

Tri?

Goodnight, Mark.

So, man.

You got any prospects
to be your wife?

Not yet.

Every person I meet online

is either a nanny or a
Nigerian exchange student.

Oh.

You can ask my cousin.

That's okay.

Why not?

'Cause.

'Cause what?

'Cause I don't wanna
marry your cousin.

But dude, then we
could be cousins.

Don't wanna be your cousin.

Why not?

'Cause.

'Cause what?

Oops.

'Cause I just wanna
be your friend.

You think my cousin's
ugly, don't you?

Man...

What are you talking about?

I know you think she's ugly.

Because you have dated
everyone but my cousin.

And every time I bring her up

you always say no.

Well that's only
because I'm...

I'm looking out for...

I'm looking out for
our friendship, bro.

Yeah, you and me.

We become family, then
we have family problems.

See what I'm saying?

Ah.

That's love, dog.

Come here.

Bring it in here.

Oh, no, nice.

Come on.

Will you give me the honor,

then...

Air dry?

Air dry.

Yes, very good.

Oh, goodness, oh look look look.

There he goes again.

What's wrong with her?

I don't know.

Trijah, Trijah, honey?

Eh?

Hey, what's wrong?

What happened?

I went to go watch the play.

It was that bad?

No.

It was good!

So why are you crying, hmm?

Because Trenton
and that she-witch,

they're dating now.

First she takes my part

then she takes my boyfriend

and now she has my fantasy!

Well.

Trijah.

You can't remember your lines.

I'm dyslexic!

Oh, honey.

You're not very good.

Okay, acting was just something
to get you out of the house

so your father and me
could play Gray's Anatomy.

You told me that I would
win an Oscar someday.

Ah, I said you could win
a man named Oscar someday.

Why does
my life suck so bad?

Honey, face it.

You are meant to
stay here with us

until we die.

I'm just kidding.

Hey, you hungry?

I made your favorite.

Lentil soup served
over brown rice,

and some curried
vegetables, hmm?

Oh, and Adam, he brought
your favorite bean pie

from the neighbors.

Thank you, Mom.

Okay, I'll be
right back, okay?

Oh.

Can I also have two
slices of that bean pie?

Okay.

Here you go, sweety.

Ah!

We're not dead yet.

Adam is close, so be nice.

Hey, Mark.

This is Trijah, the one
you met at the charades

last night, yeah.

Yeah, I was just wondering.

Did you find anybody

to do the whole
marriage thing with you?

Sorry I'm late, Ricky.

Thought you changed your mind.

Of course not.

Wait, you call your dad Ricky?

Huh?

Should I
call you Ricky or dad?

Dollface, you can call
me whatever you want.

Now, I took the liberty of
drafting up some paperwork.

I have your prenup, I
have your wedding license

and a post-nup,
AKA divorce papers.

Now your prenup is dated today

your wedding license
for tomorrow,

and your post-nup, a year
and a day from today.

I just need some
signatures on those.

So, what time is the wedding?

- In the morning.
- In the afternoon.

Miscommunication.

Your marriage is off
to a blissful start.

I'll make some copies.

Did my
text wake you up?

I was watching TV.

I hope you don't
mind me calling you.

I text really slow.

Are we crazy?

Probably, but who cares?

I haven't told anyone yet.

I'm gonna tell my parents
after we get married.

I think I'll save all my
telling for after the divorce.

I don't know,
maybe you're right.

It's just always been so
difficult for me, you know,

I'm just a hopeless single.

And my parents and
siblings are the fricking

poster children of
happily ever married.com.

After this year, you'll
never have that problem again.

We will never have
that problem again.

Mmm, my dad's been
married so many times

I really have no problem
living up to marriage pressure.

I just don't want to compete
with him on the divorce side.

Well, let's show them

that we can ruin the marriage
with the best of them.

I'm in.

I do have to
tell you something

before we get married.

I snore obnoxiously loud.

Okay.

I'm always late.

I spend a lot of
time in the bathroom

and I've seen every
episode of every series

of Star Trek that's
ever been on television.

Uh-uh, the marriage is off

if you own a pair of Spock ears.

My turn.

I eat the toast inside out.

I love peanut butter and
Worcestershire sauce on my popcorn.

And every time I watch
an emotional Disney movie

it kind of turns me on.

I sing and dance in the shower

while listening to
Yanni's greatest hits.

And then I put soap on
the bottom of my feet

so I can dry off
like a speedskater.

Gotta go.

Oh.

Another minute, I would
have had myself another wife.

Pops, you're already married.

I said another.

And yeah, she's Muslim,
she's from India.

You do not wanna say that.

And plus I'm actually
practicing Hinduism

and I'm from Nepal so
that makes me Nepali.

But I thought that-

- Please.

I need to get this over
with and get back to work.

Not the one that showed
up late, wet britches.

Ha, made you look!

Where's the judge?

You sure you wanna do this?

I do.

And do you, tshh....

I do.

And for you.

Excuse me?

She does.

Okay.

For better or for worse,

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

till death do you part.

Wait, do you mean
like physical death

or could it be a
spiritual thing?

Or even a karmic
death, you know?

Something like
thou end in a soul-

- Do you or don't you?

And whatever kind
of death you prefer.

I do.

Good.

You may kiss your
whatever she is.

Thanks, your honor.

Oh, thank you.

See you at the club Saturday.

All right.

I gotta get back to work.

Oh.

So you're trying
to get me to spend

$100,000 to advertise
on your radio station

and your pitching me with a
$10 flip chart from Staples?

It was actually $13.99.

Sir, sir, sir.

I promise that we can reach
your primary target audience

and offer programming benefits

that fit your brand better
than any radio station

in this market.

Continue.

You don't need a fancy
expensive presentation

to get your point across.

You need effective,
strategic marketing

to grow your customer base.

That is what we offer

here at King.

Trained him myself.

But we want him
on our account.

So, have you
thought about tonight?

Tonight?

The honeymoon.

Oh, no, I do
not know we had to do that.

Got your file over here.

Plus it'll feel like
having a one night stand

with a guy I just
met at a night club.

Excuse me, what's
wrong with that?

Sorry, had a off-site
appearance with the new jock.

Well, your timing is perfect.

Everything's moved in.

Oh.

How about pizza for everyone?

I already got that.

Is there anything I could do?

You could say bye
'cause we're done.

Time to let you two lovebirds

spank the old cowhide, baby.

All right, okay, let's go

before I spank your cowhide.

Promises, promises.

Say bye bye.

Well I love you both.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

But if you do, you
should record it

and then send it to me HD.

'Cause you know I
got that new 4K TV.

And my Pornhub subscription
is canceled now.

So I need something.

Again, I'm sorry.

No problem, I've got a
lot of unpacking to do.

Wait, hold on.

There's something
I want to show you.

Please have a seat.

You are kidding me.

This has got to
be a joke, right?

Tri, thank you
for coming today.

The purpose of this
meeting is to strategize-

- Question,
should I be taking notes?

Thank you, Mr. Reardon.

So, I have put together a list

of all the wrong actions
that we need to do this year

to make sure this
marriage will not work.

Where'd you get this list?

It's just a start.

We can add stuff later.

Yeah, I can definitely think
of a few right about now.

Yeah, that's great.

Look, I'll just start
from the beginning.

These are the goals,

and here, all right, we have
the objective mission statement

and we-

Too soon?

Too much.

Can we finish this tomorrow?

I have an early morning.

I have to give a new
client a station tour.

I thought we were gonna
take the rest of the week off?

I never agreed to that.

It's our honeymoon.

So?

So?

So I took the rest
of the two days off.

Mhmm.

You know what?

I'm fine, I don't
even care, whatever.

No, no.

That's my side.

Your half's over there.

I already cleaned
it out for you.

Why can't we put
the dishes together?

It'll make it easier
when you move out later.

And since you're left handed,

I gave you the left
half of everything.

The cabinets, bathroom,
sink, the bedroom drawers

and the left side
of the bed too.

You can sleep on the left
or right side of the couch

for all I care.

We just had our first fight.

We did.

How'd that feel for you?

Like you were
really pissed at me.

I was.

I just felt you
dismissed my feelings.

I did, yeah.

Huh, this actually
might work out.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

Up top?

Ah, okay.

Mahalo, punk rocker.

Before you rock
out, let Logan know

we're changing our format
to 24 hours Cash Money rap.

You heard?

Heard what?

We're changing our
format to Cash Money rap.

Why are we changing
formats again?

Times are changing,
ti's all about that cream.

Cream?

Cash, moolah, gouda.

Right.

How long have you been married?

Going on 22 years.

And me and my old
lady rarely talk.

Is that why you work late?

I work late in order to
save our marriage, for rizzle.

I don't know.

I think this whole marriage
thing was a mistake.

Have you talked to
your parents about it?

Are you serious, hm?

What is this?

It's a wedding.

I mean, I got married.

You had a wedding?

Without us?

Really?

It's not a real marriage.

- What?
- What's, what?

Well it's real, but we're

- only gonna be-
- Is it a real boy?

I signed a contract.

- You signed a prenup, is this like a trick, is he rich?
- No.

- It's called starter marriage.
- What are you talking about?

You're married or you're
not married. This makes no sense.

I'm married for a year.

Do you need medication?

What is going on with you?

We need to talk to the doctor.

I don't know what
is going on with her.

Let me explain it to you.
Let me explain it to you, okay?

I get married for a year

and get all the
mistakes out the way

so the next marriage, I
can have the happy one

like you and dad.

I'm very disappointed.

Nobody gets married
for one year, really?

That
makes no sense at-

- You get
married for life,

till death do us part.

Yes, but this is
until a year is up.

This doesn't make any sense.

Because this is what
you guys wanted, right?

You wanted me out of the house

so you can have your
man cave, right?

And you wanted me to get married

like Cousin Mokita, remember?

I do want my man cave.

Shut up about
your man cave, okay?

How could you,

You should be ashamed
of yourself, huh?

What kind of daughter
are you, huh?

You don't even tell
your father or me

that you are getting married?

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

This is not how you do things.

She is not my
daughter, she is your daughter.

- Oh, now it's my daughter.
- No, it's not mine.

- No.
- Oh really?

Now it's my daughter.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- This is millennial stuff.
- This is what happens.

- This millennial stuff
- These millennials.

- They talk about.
- Yes yeah.

You're
one of them now.

They think I'm going through
an early midlife crisis.

You're just 26.

Exactly.

My mom says that it
could be bad karma

for my ancestors.

Well my ancestors must
have really tripped out,

all the shit I've been through.

And even I wouldn't do
this stupid experiment, so.

Sorry, T.

No, it's
okay, you're right.

Well, just get a divorce
like everybody else.

I mean, you've lasted
longer than Kim Kardashian

and that basketball player
dude that she married.

Nope.

We both signed a contract and

either one of us can sue if
the other breaks the deal.

How exciting.

You know what, maybe they
just forgot about tonight.

- Let's just go.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

- Hey!
- Hi, Tri.

Javier.

Constance, always
good to see you.

Hey, you have a
wonderful bar montage.

- I love your hair.
- Thank you.

Right baby, that's fine.

Did you do something
different with you hair?

I combed it.

Ah.

Love that perfume.

Is it called Tarzan, 'cause
it's driving me jungle wild.

How's the marriage going?

You'd be proud of us.

Be proud of her, not you.

Sorry I forgot to call
you back last night,

I was busy.

Ah, totally understand.

I'd be busy too
if I had this hot

tigress at home.

Dad!

More wine, anyone?

Here.

Well I thought the
evening went well.

Oh, really?

You do know that
is my dad, right?

Like your father-in-law?

Yeah, I mean, he was just
making me feel at home.

He practically
offered you his home.

I don't appreciate
you flirting with him.

I wasn't.

Are you jealous?

Pssh, I've never been jealous

a day in my whole entire life.

First time for everything.

You should be jealous.

Why is that?

It's on your list.

Plus it's one of
the top four reasons

marriages end in divorce,
a jealous spouse.

Good.

We can cross it off the list.

How often do
the squirrels come

for you to feed them anyway?

Sometimes they do,
sometimes they don't.

Well today must
be a don't day.

Kind of like love.

Ooh, speaking of,
how's the marriage going?

It's an experiment.

But you know, I've
been thinking.

An experiment, it should
be accurate and unbiased

so it doesn't create
a false positive

or false negative.

Impressive.

I know, I watched the talk
show of couples therapy.

And if I am going to sacrifice
a whole year of my life,

we're gonna do
this the right way.

Ooh, just remember, HD.

Mark, I'm home.

Where have you been?

We've already done
the coming home late.

I was having sex
with another man

doing the adultery
part of the list.

Adultery's not on the list.

You want me to add it?

Come on, sit, sit.

What is this?

This is the addendum to
our starter marriage contract

titled "The For
Better Articles."

That whole point
is so much better.

I know.

Okay so just in case you've
never heard these words before,

they are part of
the wedding vows.

Titled "For Better or Worse."

Okay, so to have a
proper experiment

you need to have
the controlled group

and an experimental group

to have a more accurate
and truthful determination

of your hypothesis, right?

What in the name of Bill
Nye are you talking about?

Just like you left
adultery off your list,

you also left off
in times of sorrow

and in times of joy.

In times of failure,
and in times of triumph.

Okay, I get the idea.

But for the record,
in my research

I found that a lot of
that stuff on my list

preceded adultery
and abuse, so maybe

- it could have weighed-
- Okay, to broaden the scope

of our experiment, I have added

the for better objectives.

Honesty, date nights,

being romantic,
being affectionate,

communication, sharing the past,

doing something
special for the other.

There's more.

Making the other
feel extraordinary,

passion, doing things
we have in common

and unbridled passion.

Passion is on your list twice.

Passion and unbridled passion

are two very different things.

How so?

You'll learn.

Anyway, so you see
what I mean, right?

We need to do both lists.

Let's make the mistakes
on your list, but

let's also practice what makes
a marriage work on mine too?

This is a great idea.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Ooh, okay!

Here is the table
you requested.

Thank you.

Please.

Oh, lah dee dah, look at this.

I emailed the chef and
I already ordered for us.

Your flowers.

Are these for me?

Thank you.

I was hoping that this would

make you feel special.

It does.

Thank you.

Another thing off the list.

What just happened?

I just took care of
two things on your list.

Date night and doing
something special

for the other.

So you're
telling me all of this

was just to check
things off my list?

Exactly.

I thought we were
just on a normal date.

Why would we do that?

Just because.

Hmm.

So what kind of marriage do you
want your second marriage to be?

Like my mom's and my sister,

and my cousin and brother,

and everybody else in my family.

You know there's this interview

with Anne Bancroft and
her husband Mel Brooks.

They suddenly drive
into the driveway

and she looks at the
reporter, smiles, and she says

"Now the fun begins."

What about you?

My parents were very happy

before my mom died.

How old were you?

Seven.

I wish I remember
more about her, but...

You know what kind of
wedding you wanna have?

Yeah.

It's gonna be somewhere
deep in the forest.

And you know how I love animals

so I'm gonna put some food out

hoping they're gonna join us.

And maybe the
squirrels and the mice

will help me make my dress.

That's a Disney thing.

- Oh.
- Disney, cartoon.

Disney.

I had a really good night.

You should text me,
fax me, email me

or DM me on Facebook.

We should do this
again sometime.

Good night.

Oh, oh.

Thank you
for going out with me tonight

and I too hope we can
do this again soon.

Kiss me or shake my hand.

Was this on the list?

Good night.

Hey, wait wait wait.

I thought we were spending
the rest of the day together.

After gym with the guys.

Was that on the list?

If not, I apologize.

I meant to put it on there.

Wait, what time
will you be back?

When we're done.

Okay, hey, hey, hey.

How about I plan something

nice and special for us tonight?

What was wrong with
what we did last night?

Nothing.

Last night was great.

Then why do we
need to do it again?

We had a romantic
dinner waiting,

wine, flowers, and she
still wasn't thrilled.

Dude, she wasn't thrilled
because you took them all back.

Well it's just an
experiment, right?

Bro, never just experiment

where a female is concerned.

Right.

Look, man, they take this
relationship stuff serious

and you should too.

If you really want this
stupid experiment of yours

of having any chance
of really working,

which I seriously doubt.

Yeah I told you
this was stupid.

I'm taking it serious.

That's why we did
all that stuff.

That was on her list.

Yeah, but then you
took it back, man.

Right, so it never
really happened.

Look, man.

If you really want this
experiment of yours to work,

you're gonna have to get dirty.

Dirty?

Yeah, look.

Brother you're gonna have
to immerse yourself in it.

Like for real?

For real, for real.

Look, me and Erika had our
problems, and we ain't perfect,

but we both get immersed.

Immersed?

Immersed.

You just learn that
word or something?

No, why?

- Why in the hell do you keep saying it like that?
- Look, man.

All I'm saying

is that you got
to get, you know,

you gotta get into it.

Immersed?

Yeah, immersed.

Hey, fellas.

Look, check it out.

Do something from her For
Better list, have sex,

and then do something from
your For Worse list, and?

Have sex.

Yes, exactly.

So make love and
war simultaneously.

Absolutely.

Help.

How did you
get tickets to this?

It's not what you
know, it's who you know.

That's what's up.

You know, it's so cool
that we both love movies.

Something we have in common,

and that's on the list.

Check.

Hi,
may I help you?

Trijah Reardon plus one.

Wanna go get some
popcorn and a drink?

There's only one
ticket in here.

How can that be?

There should be two.

Sorry, there's only one.

You go ahead,
you love Star Trek.

Only the person who's name
is on the ticket can go in.

You go.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

Excuse me, sir.

Next?

Excuse me.

They say it was
like the best movie ever.

Hey.

You okay?

You evil person.

You did that on purpose.

I did no such thing, okay?

You wanna see?

Here.

You happy?

You know what,
just take me home.

Tri.

I'm sorry for
thinking you did that.

I never had any woman do
thoughtful things for me,

just because, I mean,

they always had an agenda.

But not you.

I'm really sorry.

K.I.N.G. is 100% king now.

All Elvis, all the time.

This station's got a
whole lotta lovin going on

except for Logan who
canceled his contract.

It's time to short-rate
that teddy bear

for breaking our contract.

That'll just anger him.

Don't care.

A deal's a deal.

What happened?

He loved his commercials.

It shook me up too.

When's the last time you talked

to that hound dog in disguise?

Recently.

He tells me that he
hasn't heard from you.

He feels he's been ignored

ever since he
agreed to advertise.

I've been busy.

Hello?

My blue suede shoe tells me

that you've been too busy in
this make believe marriage.

You're caught in a trap and
can't wiggle your way out.

You're right.

I'll go get Logan back.

You better.

He's staying at the
Heartbreak Hotel

down at Graceland
Boulevard till Friday.

Congratulations.

'Cause I heard you got married.

Mark has left the building.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Tara, you are not
keeping me updated.

What's the card say?

Let's see.

It says thank you.

Things
must be going well.

They are, they are.

Ooh, is there any video?

No.

This is a lot better.

Whatever.

Just don't get caught up.

No, you...

I see, got your little
glow glow going there.

Mm-mm.

We're staying focused at

the task at hand.

It's going good.

I like the For Better
stuff on her list

more than the For
Worse stuff on mine.

- Which one do you like better?
- Put your hand up, let me see.

Oh, you would show the ring,

- how cute.
- You see it?

Yeah, whatever.

I just can't believe you got him

to go grocery shopping,

- What?
- And buy tampons.

- Like that is so cute.
- Let me tell you.

Yeah he was calling me
from the tampon aisle.

He was like, hey, do
you want curved, winged

or quilt size?

What is a quilt size?

Really, even after that
whole Star Trek snafu?

Right.

I told y'all, that
wasn't her fault.

She showed me the
email for the RSVP.

Let me know if you
need a second dose of

"Oh, there's only one
ticket."

Wait, I meant to
ask you about that.

Wasn't there supposed to be two?

Uh huh, there was.

Erika.

Girl's crazy.

So that was you?

You were the one
that was telling me

about the whole "Immerse
yourself in it."

That was before I found
out that Erika was involved.

Now I'm telling you that
you need to get out.

Get out, bro.

I felt so bad.

He thinks I did that on purpose.

Why you didn't
give me the ticket?

- I would have took the ticket.
- Honey,

it's a casualty of war.

That's true.

I don't believe it.

Look, she told me herself.

She's wrong.

She said that they
set that whole thing up

in order to gain control
of your good times

and bad times over
your marriage, bro.

And Erika is never wrong.

Turn this way.

Can you believe that?

Yeah, I can, it's Erika.

You wanna win, right?

We do want the dub.

- Yup.
- Mhmm.

Try these.

You'll be okay.

Much better, those are loud.

She told you this?

As sure as I'm dead if she
finds out I told you, yeah.

Oh boys, ready to
get your butts kicked again?

Coming, dear.

Ah, shoot.

Well that was fun tonight.

Yup.

I have no idea how Erika
guesses those crazy answers.

She's an evil genius.

Is something wrong?

Nope.

What's this?

It's my way of
saying I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

I don't know.

I must have done something

for you to not talk
to me all night.

I'm fine.

Coffee?

Ooh, gotta go.

And he didn't say anything?

Not a word.

He's just giving you
the silent treatment

until he can come up with
something cunning or deceitful

so that he can take back
control of the marriage.

No, I think the silent treatment
is actually on his list,

which he put right back up.

He took it down?

Yes.

But when I left this
morning it was back up.

Not good.

Start stacking up
on your rations

'cause it's about to be a war.

Um, what do I do?

It's him.

Answer it, but
be chill, 'cause...

Chill, okay.

Hello.

Chill.

Hey babe.

There you go.

Yeah, I'm free.

Okay, I'll see you tonight.

So?

So, he wants to
take me out tonight.

Yes,
that is my boy!

Pete-o!

Hey, Marko!

Ah, Pete-o, this
is my wife Tri.

Tri, this is Pete.

Careful, he bites.

I heard
you tied the knot,

but I didn't believe it.

Nice to meet you, Tri.

Nice to meet you too.

Now this is a
very special night.

He's never brought a woman here.

And I was beginning
to worry about him

just a little.

You know it means a lot,

you bringing me here tonight.

I thought you were mad at me.

Mad at you about what?

I don't know.

You've been giving me
the silent treatment

since last night.

Thank you.

I said either
you're a sore loser

or it's your time of the month.

What, men have them
too, don't trip.

Oh, I never trip.

Ever.

Mmm, but then I
remembered your list.

Silent treatment is on there.

Huh.

Actually, I wasn't even
thinking about that.

At all.

Just us.

You sure?

I saw it was back up
when I left this morning.

I wanted to share
something with you.

Sharing a personal story.

I'll make sure to check
that off the list.

I miss my mom every day.

I have learned to accept
that feeling of missing her.

That's good, I guess.

I just hope she's proud
of how I turned out.

She is.

What happened to her?

Heart disease.

She died three weeks after
doctors diagnosed her.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Okay, my turn.

I...

You do honesty.

That is at the top
of your list, right?

Okay.

Mark.

I'm in love with you.

That's not on the list.

I thought you
felt the same way.

This isn't about feelings.

This is about-

- Your theory.

Your experiment, yeah, I get it.

Our experiment.

I understand.

Oh, god.

Okay, you said be
honest, and I am.

I'm sorry if this messes up
your boneheaded plan of yours.

I thought you were gonna be
honest about leaving me outside

while you watch
my favorite movie!

I'm sorry.

I didn't have anything
to do with that, okay?

That was all Erika's idea.

I was gonna tell you

- right after-
- Yeah, right.

I'm serious, okay?

I literally just-

- Wanted to gain back
control of the relationship.

Yeah, I know.

I have no reason
to lie to you.

And even if I did,

I'm sure it was a part
of your stupid list.

It's all an
experiment, remember?

Trying
to watch TV here.

I'm such a foolish dreamer.

This whole marriage
thing was stupid.

Honey, you were just
following your heart.

You didn't do this to marry him.

You did it to divorce us.

If you get divorced, you're
not moving back in here.

Why is he always
so mean to me?

Because he really
loves you, okay?

Don't take this out on him.

What, you thought you
were gonna live it up

in a fake marriage, huh?

And then you end up
falling in real love.

I do love him.

Well, somewhat.

Then love him, Tara, hmm?

What's the worst
that can happen?

Your marriage ends, he
throws you out on the street

with no money,

and you wind up
living under a bridge.

Any place but here.

Father.

Maybe if you put on more clothes

you could keep a man.

I don't know what to say.

I can't fall in love.

It'll ruin everything.

Dude, you're already in love.

I'm not.

That explains a lot.

Hey, you know, don't
feel so bad.

I left Erika.

You what?

Well, kinda.

She put me out for telling you

about the whole ticket thing.

Sorry, dude.

Ah, probably for
the better, right?

Thanks a lot.

Not for you, for me.

If we stay married,

then all of this would
have been for nothing.

It won't work and it
won't support the theory.

We have a mission and a goal.

Your mission will be
complete in about three weeks.

What then?

So, in conclusion,

I need everyone out there
to be a KING team player!

That is all.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Stop.

Close the door.

I don't know you, but
you sure look like

this All-Star slugger
that used to work here.

I'm back, sir,
and ready to work.

Swing and a miss.

Go straight to the
unemployment dugout.

You're firing me?

Yes, for not being a
dedicated KING team player.

There is no I in king.

I've worked 70 hours
a week for six years

for this company!

I'm the strongest
salesperson you got!

That was last season!

What have you done
for me lately?

Nothing!

'Cause my marriage
is falling apart.

That fake marriage
is taking your focus

off the box score, ace.

Box score?

The cash, the
moolah, the green.

You need to focus
your priorities, ace.

You're absolutely right.

I am?

Mhmm.

I quit!

You can't quit,
I fired you first!

Three strikes and you're out!

I'm red-flagging you!

That's soccer, not baseball!

Get your sports and
your branding straight!

Oh, and there is an I in KING!

You wrote it!

You're outta here!

Going, going, going, gone!

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Trying to get Mr. Weaver
to stop harassing his ex.

What's wrong?

She left me.

Thought it was
supposed to last a year.

I can't even last
in a fake marriage.

How can I ever
last in a real one?

Not like this.

It's just an option, Mark.

Mmm, you must be Mark.

Yes.

I'm Kyrah, your mother-in-law.

Oh, come in, come.

Hmm, hmm.

Hey, take your shoes off.

You know how to
marry my daughter

but you don't know to
take off your shoes.

I'm sorry.

That's Adam.

Don't want to meet him.

Very well.

Do you need any help, sir?

- Yes.
- No.

Mom, this pin just will not...

What are you doing here?

Hi.

Tri, I just wanna talk!

- Go do something.
- You see?

- You see? - You go do something.
- You brought him.

You go save her.

What
do you want, huh?

For our families
to come together?

Spend Christmas with my wife?

We don't celebrate Christmas.

They're decorating
a Christmas tree.

They do that
for the neighbors.

And I'm not your wife anyway.

You are.

At least until the year is up.

You're suing me?

A deal's a deal.

You're a real piece
of work, you know that?

You know what, you're right.

A deal's a deal.

I'll see it through till
the end of the year.

But not for you.

For myself.

Oh.

And I really hope
your second marriage

is just as bad as the first one.

Well, Tri.

This meal was off
the chizzle, my-

- Dad.

I think someone
spiked that eggnog.

They spike their
own eggnog, dear.

Next year, we do this
all again at our place.

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

There won't be a next
year, this is it.

The last supper.

The end.

Who gets married for
one year on purpose?

Millennials.

Ricky did.

Marriage is a
covenant with God

and you mocketh him.

Like father, like son.

Do you want me to help you
with the dishes before I go?

Oh, no thank you.

It all belongs to Mark anyway,

I'm sure he'll be okay.

Just drive safe, okay?

Well, that went exactly
as I thought it would.

Yeah.

Thanks for doing this.

Thanks for meeting
with me today.

Yeah, that's what
friends are for.

I need to speak
to my dad right now.

Not my homie or cool dude slim.

Okay.

Well, I'm here.

The year's over tomorrow.

You gonna end it?

Deal's a deal, right?

Is that what you want?

I mean, life is short.

You gotta live each
day as though it's your

Last.

Yeah, I know.

I want a great marriage.

Am I asking for too much?

Marriage takes a lot
of work and sacrifice.

I mean, happily ever
after doesn't just happen.

You gotta decide and commit.

You gotta make happily
ever after happen.

I just want what
you and mom had.

Yeah.

About that.

Your mom made me promise

never to tell you
about this, but,

about three months
before we found out

about her heart condition,

we had separated.

She wanted a divorce.

What?

When I found
out about her heart,

we agreed to stay
together until...

And she did it for you.

And for me.

Why didn't you
tell me this before?

'Cause we wanted you
to believe in love.

Now you're about to
do the exact opposite

by leaving a woman who
makes you truly happy

because of some
stupid theory you had.

I don't know anyone
that is happily married.

What's the point if it just
ends in divorce anyway?

I mean, love.

Man, it's worth it all,

I mean even the losses.

Trust me, I know.

Spoken by a man who has
been married six times.

Thanks for lying to me
my entire life, Rick.

I gotta go, Mark's here.

Love you too.

Mom said hi.

Well, I guess this is the end.

Look.

I wanna apologize
for taking it so far.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry for even
coming up with this,

well, I didn't come
up with it but,

I'm sorry for getting you
involved in this stupid idea.

I mean I still think
it's a good idea.

Nah.

Your dad, he was right.

Marriage is sacred.

A covenant with God

and I should have
never tampered with it.

I mean, you had good
intentions, right?

It's all that counts.

I'm the one who got caught up.

You know, ever
since I was little

I dreamed of getting proposed to

and getting married, and...

I don't know, when
we got married...

sorry, when the
experiment started,

I stopped dreaming.

I don't know, like,

I guess I wanted it so bad.

I wanted to make the trial
run my final analysis.

It doesn't have to end.

What?

Sure, we reached
out goal, but,

we can keep it going.

We can add stuff to the list.

We can take stuff off the list.

We can extend the contract.

We can do whatever we want!

What do you say?

I think we should
stick to the agreement.

A deal's a deal, right?

Do you think Mark's
really gonna get a divorce?

Do what?

I don't know.

I mean he seems like
he really loves her,

- or he might.
- He does.

It's final tomorrow
anyhow though, so.

Why are you acting
like it's not a big deal?

Hey, hey, hey Mark,
it's good to see you.

- Just a minute.
- Mhmm.

Hey, you don't
have to do that.

Vicky's engaged
to a worm farmer.

I'm sorry.

A worm farmer?

Man, this
better be good, dude.

Vicky's engaged
to a worm farmer.

I thought we'd
get back together.

You sign the papers?

As of tomorrow,

I am officially divorced.

Now, everything I worked for
belongs to the worm farmer.

Hey, man, don't feel so bad.

At least you're not married
to Erika Vader.

I think I'm gonna
get her a wedding gift.

A toast.

If it was meant to be, it'll be.

Erika wants a divorce too.

Oh, no.

All because of me?

No, man.

Says I'm not man enough for her.

Oh.

At least we'll have each other.

The three divorciados.

What are you gonna do now?

About?

Tri.

What can I do?

You can go get her.

Look man, you love that girl.

And he loves you.

And you don't let
some stupid experiment

keep you from the
love of your life.

Go get her.

It's over.

It was just an experiment.

No, no, it's not over
until one of you dies.

Look man, all I know

is that you have a
chance for real love.

Don't let that pass
you by, like we did.

Man, I've known you
your whole life.

And I've never seen
you this happy before.

Keep experimenting
with her, bro.

Experimenting.

You have him?

Yeah, go.

Hey, if it doesn't
work out with Erika,

I can hook you up
with my cousin.

Man, your cousin
is ugly, dude.

Like for real.

Tri.

You seen Tri?

It's a little too late for
that, Mr. A Deal's A Deal.

She quit yesterday.

You know where I can find her?

I don't know.

Probably somewhere
feeding squirrels.

Hold your horses, Ben Hur.

Jeez.

You.

Is she here?

Please.

I need to talk to her.

She's not here.

She went to live with
her sister in Kansas.

Bus leaves in 10 minutes.

Thank you, thank
you, thank you!

Thank you, thank you.

Tri?

I have been looking
all over for you.

What are you doing here?

This is the first place
you called me your wife.

I'm a fool, okay?

I have been miserable
without you.

I keep thinking about what
great times we've had,

and what great
times we could lose.

I don't want any
could have moments.

I would give everything

to extend our one
year into a lifetime.

I was so focused on preparing
for the right marriage,

I didn't realize I had it.

Tri.

Will you marry me?

Again?

Please?

You don't get it, do you?

I don't want a second
marriage with you.

I want to keep the first.

I wanna see you do your
shower dance anyway.

Mark, Trijah.

By the way, it's Try-jah.

Aaah.

I now really pronounce
you husband and wife.

You may kiss your bride.

Congratulations, Mark.

Thank you, Eileen.

Mom.

Take care.

- Of course.
- Of my mom.

Oh!

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull