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♪ ♪
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(wind hissing)
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(indistinct chatter)
4
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Shut up!
It's starting!
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The Springfield Atoms have earned
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the number-one pick
in this year's draft,
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after intentionally losing
every game last season.
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Nobody tanks like Springfield--
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City of Intentional Losers.
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(chanting):
Tank! Tank! Tank!
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-And with the first pick
-(crowd booing)
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00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:41,114
of the draft,
the Springfield Atoms select...
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00:00:41,267 --> 00:00:42,966
Grayson Mathers.
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(cheering)
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All right!
16
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HOMER: Yeah! All right!
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(whoops)
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We have witnessed the most
beautiful birth in the world--
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00:00:54,113 --> 00:00:56,296
that of a football dynasty.
20
00:00:56,390 --> 00:01:00,392
Let's show Philadelphia what
a real victory riot looks like!
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(clamoring)
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(grunts)
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(clamoring continues)
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What a needless tragedy.
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You say our corporate revenue
is down?
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Well, the losses are
all coming from one division--
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00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:18,911
your liquor company.
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Sales of Mr. Gentleman Brandy
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have reached zero and
are only projected to go down.
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Impossible.
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Mr. Gentleman is sipped
by every trustee
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of the Narragansett
Whale Oil Concern.
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Well, maybe the problem
is the ad campaign.
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It's encouraging consuming
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as little of the liquor
as possible.
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Ah. That'll hold me
for quite a while.
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So, I brought
in a branding expert
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to reimagine Mr. Gentleman.
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These days,
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which in the branding business
is called "the present,"
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the only liquor brands
people care about
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are endorsed by big celebrities.
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People think,
"If I buy this tequila,
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then I'm as fun
as George Clooney."
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Or, "I need to be more smug
and unbearable.
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(gasps) Hey,
Ryan Reynolds has a gin."
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So we find the perfect celebrity
to represent my brandy.
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But who?
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00:02:04,183 --> 00:02:05,773
What about Harrison Ford?
50
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-Too Hollywood.
-Dolly Parton?
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Too Dollywood.
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With that, we end the list
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of every celebrity
who does not already have
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00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:13,540
an existing liquor company.
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So what we need
is a brand-new celebrity,
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00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:18,971
one adored by the common man.
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CROWD:
(chanting): Grayson Mathers!
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Grayson Mathers!
Grayson Mathers!
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-(snaps fingers)
-REPORTER: Grayson!
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Grayson, some have dubbed you
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00:02:27,297 --> 00:02:29,389
"The Savior of Springfield Football".
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Isn't that a lot of pressure
for a rookie?
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I do me.
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If you don't like it,
that's on you.
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Mm-hmm.
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REPORTER 2:
Grayson, some people are put off
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by your tell-it-like-it-is
attitude.
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What do you say to them?
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I'm an open book,
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but the media and haters
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and people who have
never played the game,
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I carry myself
with a certain confidence,
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and I don't apologize
for your perception
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of statements I did not make,
but stand by.
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Truth bomb.
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I sleep at night.
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REPORTER 2:
What did you just say?
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I do me.
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(reporters clamoring)
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Man, that dude
keeps it so real.
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He's all, "This is me.
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I don't apologize.
What up, haters?"
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He does him.
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I wish I was
half as myself as he is.
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00:03:14,844 --> 00:03:17,921
They adore this pigskin-tossing
football thrower.
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00:03:17,923 --> 00:03:19,606
He's brash, outspoken,
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willfully uninformed.
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He has no filter.
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In our sanitized,
clickbait-ready,
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media-driven world,
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what people crave
is authenticity.
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If you don't believe me,
look at the metrics.
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Now you believe me.
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00:03:33,272 --> 00:03:35,772
Why didn't you mention
any of this before?
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I don't know.
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This bad boy must be the new
face of my brandy company.
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Smithers, hire him at once.
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And get rid of this.
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But my metrics!
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(thud)
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GRAYSON: I got no problem being me.
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Opinions exist.
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Think about it.
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Do you seriously doubt I know what I'm like?
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And when it comes to brandy,
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go ahead and sip.
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Me?
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I'll chug.
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I do me.
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You do you...
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my way.
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Congratulations, my boy.
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You are the face of America's
most marked-up trash liquor.
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00:04:22,654 --> 00:04:24,671
There's one thing
that's unique about me--
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I've always admired rich people.
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And now I'm getting paid by one.
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That's on you.
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Aw, come on, Burnsy.
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Bring it in.
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Yeah. I got you, bro.
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♪ ♪
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So this is what it feels like
to be brought in.
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Cheers!
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To the money
that comes from business.
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To friendship hugs.
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(sighs)
Well,
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first game
of the season tomorrow,
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so I'd better hit the Hay.
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That's the name of the club
I'm going to.
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00:05:01,226 --> 00:05:02,283
Then I'm gonna hit the Sack.
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00:05:02,377 --> 00:05:04,428
That's where the after-party is.
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There he is, kids.
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The QB who will one day
take us to the Super Bowl,
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own several
local car dealerships
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and host a middling
Saturday Night Live.
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MARGE:
Oh, look at that baby face.
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I hope
there's no tackling today.
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BART:
Babyface looks
a little hungover, Mom.
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LISA:
Geez. He's kind of got
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00:05:30,313 --> 00:05:33,815
that "Dad asleep in his car
outside Moe's" look going.
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The icy stare of a born winner?
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Yes. That one.
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And so begins a new era
in Atoms football.
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The golden child's mighty arm
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shall spiral a grim warning
to all who would oppose him.
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Hut, hut! Hike!
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(grunts)
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00:05:51,167 --> 00:05:52,909
(grunting, panting)
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(groaning)
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Oh, God.
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(booing)
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-Get off the field!
-Boo!
-You suck!
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Oh, my God.
154
00:06:03,179 --> 00:06:06,681
The 22-year-old
I bet all my happiness on
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00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,259
is nothing but a bust!
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Bust! Bust! Bust! Bust!
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But you were just
cheering for him.
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You've been talking
about how great he is
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every day for months.
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But he's sucking.
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It's the second-best thing
he could do
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next to playing great.
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(booing)
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How dare they jeer that boy?
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He's like the arrogant,
out-of-control son
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I never sent to boarding school
and forgot about.
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ANNOUNCER: And Grayson Mathers has just been benched.
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And here comes the Haterade.
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Aah!
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(booing)
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Boo an angel, why don't you?
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Thunder-stick him!
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(grunting)
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(booing)
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There are far worse things
to be buried under.
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Launch the souvenir
loaded nachos!
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Ah. Nothing like
a nice body-temperature bath.
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I've never been booed before.
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Not even when I trolled
the Florida State fans
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by dancing on their coach.
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Am I, like, a loser now?
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If I am a loser,
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then maybe I shouldn't be...
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doing me.
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Pish posh.
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Doing you is what you do best.
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And I'll prove it,
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by putting you
in front of an adoring crowd.
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00:07:33,195 --> 00:07:34,936
Captain Underpants here!
190
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,103
Wimpy Kid!
191
00:07:36,198 --> 00:07:37,789
I got Narnia!
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Goosebumps here!
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Our guest has achieved great
things in life by hard work
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and being six-foot-four.
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Please welcome Grayson Mathers.
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00:07:47,042 --> 00:07:49,217
(cheering)
197
00:07:50,696 --> 00:07:52,862
Your principal
brought me here to tell you
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00:07:52,956 --> 00:07:54,714
that school is important.
199
00:07:54,866 --> 00:07:56,216
But I got to keep it real.
200
00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:59,385
This is the first time
I've ever been in a school,
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00:07:59,538 --> 00:08:02,872
and I own
three identical Ferraris!
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00:08:02,966 --> 00:08:04,708
That's wassup!
203
00:08:04,726 --> 00:08:06,693
(cheering)
204
00:08:07,971 --> 00:08:09,321
I have a question.
205
00:08:09,472 --> 00:08:10,714
You suck!
206
00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:13,975
You're garbage
outside the pocket!
207
00:08:14,069 --> 00:08:16,161
Your average depth of target
is a joke.
208
00:08:16,312 --> 00:08:17,737
(chanting): Bust! Bust! Bust!
209
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:20,557
The children are destroying him
with their hot takes!
210
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Bust! Bust! Bust!
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00:08:22,819 --> 00:08:24,002
Shut up, you stupid kids!
212
00:08:24,153 --> 00:08:26,171
I'm a man! A football man!
213
00:08:26,398 --> 00:08:28,006
All I throw is dimes!
214
00:08:28,233 --> 00:08:29,249
Here's a dime for you!
215
00:08:29,401 --> 00:08:31,176
-A dime for you!
-(kids exclaiming)
216
00:08:31,327 --> 00:08:32,569
Nothin' but dimes!
217
00:08:32,662 --> 00:08:33,637
Boom! Dime!
218
00:08:34,740 --> 00:08:35,847
Boom! Dime!
219
00:08:35,999 --> 00:08:37,423
-Oh!
-(hissing)
220
00:08:37,576 --> 00:08:40,760
The Madagascar
hissing cockroaches are loose!
221
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,746
(kids screaming)
222
00:08:42,764 --> 00:08:45,431
♪ ♪
223
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(groans)
224
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,676
All I drink is brandy!
225
00:08:48,770 --> 00:08:52,346
My urethra is on fire!
226
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:53,940
(groans)
227
00:08:54,943 --> 00:08:57,443
I heard what you said
about your urethra.
228
00:08:57,596 --> 00:08:59,262
Are you feeling okay?
229
00:08:59,264 --> 00:09:00,930
I'm fine. Beat it, media.
230
00:09:00,949 --> 00:09:02,207
You listen here, young man.
231
00:09:02,358 --> 00:09:04,525
Just because you're embarrassed
by your own behavior
232
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,360
is no reason to lash out at me.
233
00:09:06,529 --> 00:09:09,105
I'm the one person in town
who feels sorry for you,
234
00:09:09,198 --> 00:09:10,865
and even I've about had it.
235
00:09:10,959 --> 00:09:12,700
Now apologize.
236
00:09:12,794 --> 00:09:13,868
I'm sorry.
237
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,703
Um... ma'am.
238
00:09:15,797 --> 00:09:18,372
Good. Now, tell me what's wrong.
239
00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:19,558
I mean, it doesn't make sense.
240
00:09:19,634 --> 00:09:21,709
I can't stop partying.
I barely sleep.
241
00:09:21,803 --> 00:09:23,787
I called Peyton Manning
a chicken-fried Frankenstein
242
00:09:23,805 --> 00:09:24,954
on Twitter.
243
00:09:24,973 --> 00:09:26,639
I-I'm doing me more than ever.
244
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,507
So why don't I play good?
245
00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:29,717
Oh, sweetie.
246
00:09:29,811 --> 00:09:32,720
It sounds like you just need
to slow down.
247
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:34,147
(sighs)
248
00:09:34,299 --> 00:09:37,058
I actually have
six identical Ferraris.
249
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,652
I want to own
all the blue ones.
250
00:09:39,821 --> 00:09:41,496
(crying)
251
00:09:42,398 --> 00:09:43,990
I know what's wrong with you.
252
00:09:44,142 --> 00:09:45,992
Not enough Ferraris.
253
00:09:46,144 --> 00:09:48,812
What this boy needs
is a home-cooked meal
254
00:09:48,830 --> 00:09:50,814
and a good night's sleep.
255
00:09:50,832 --> 00:09:52,073
At my house.
256
00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:54,909
A partnership
betwixt a man and a woman
257
00:09:54,986 --> 00:09:57,411
to provide for the care
of a young person.
258
00:09:57,505 --> 00:09:59,505
You supply
the nurturing home life,
259
00:09:59,658 --> 00:10:01,433
and I'll be
the emotionally-withholding
260
00:10:01,584 --> 00:10:03,660
yet somehow worshipped
father figure.
261
00:10:03,678 --> 00:10:05,829
It's a deal.
262
00:10:05,847 --> 00:10:07,664
You're coming home with me.
263
00:10:07,757 --> 00:10:08,681
I really want to,
264
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,108
but I'm kind of supposed
to get into it
265
00:10:10,259 --> 00:10:12,518
with some hockey players
outside a strip club later.
266
00:10:12,671 --> 00:10:15,447
I'll call them
and tell them you're sick.
267
00:10:17,843 --> 00:10:20,026
Yo. Two parents and some kids?
268
00:10:20,178 --> 00:10:22,287
This is a straight-up family.
269
00:10:22,364 --> 00:10:23,529
For real.
270
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,457
I guess we are.
271
00:10:25,684 --> 00:10:28,943
So, Grayson, you just graduated
from college, right?
272
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,629
What did you major in?
273
00:10:30,780 --> 00:10:32,038
Oh, they never told me.
274
00:10:32,190 --> 00:10:35,041
(sighs)
That means communications.
275
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,543
You see, I grew up
on the Florida-Texas border,
276
00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:39,379
where football is king.
277
00:10:39,531 --> 00:10:42,289
One day, I saw this other baby crawling a post pattern,
278
00:10:42,384 --> 00:10:43,883
and I hit him with my pacifier.
279
00:10:44,035 --> 00:10:46,293
Perfect spiral. 20 yards.
280
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:48,554
My folks did what any loving parents would do--
281
00:10:48,707 --> 00:10:50,815
they packed me off to football academy.
282
00:10:50,967 --> 00:10:52,375
I'm real grateful.
283
00:10:52,394 --> 00:10:54,727
If you keep a kid at home till he's two,
284
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:56,379
it can screw up his development.
285
00:10:57,382 --> 00:10:59,140
Growing up in an all-football environment
286
00:10:59,217 --> 00:11:02,385
helped me avoid the distractions that come with being a kid--
287
00:11:02,478 --> 00:11:04,979
friends, laughing, that junk.
288
00:11:05,073 --> 00:11:07,999
For college, Alabama Tech was an easy choice.
289
00:11:08,076 --> 00:11:10,059
Coach is an amazing recruiter.
290
00:11:10,078 --> 00:11:11,986
You really feel his passion.
291
00:11:12,063 --> 00:11:15,156
Wait, so you never
see your parents?
292
00:11:15,250 --> 00:11:16,916
Oh, I see them all the time!
293
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:17,917
I see them at games,
294
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,585
in documentaries about me,
295
00:11:19,738 --> 00:11:20,753
in the Campbell's Soup commercial
296
00:11:20,830 --> 00:11:22,922
my mom did without my knowledge.
297
00:11:23,074 --> 00:11:24,498
Oh, Grayson,
298
00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:26,500
growing up with nothing
but football
299
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,244
can't have been healthy.
300
00:11:28,263 --> 00:11:30,430
(chuckles)
No, no, I'm good.
301
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,190
Gimme that back!
302
00:11:32,417 --> 00:11:33,933
Starters eat before scrubs!
303
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,843
Everybody knows that!
304
00:11:35,937 --> 00:11:38,679
(grunting)
305
00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:39,605
(yells)
306
00:11:39,758 --> 00:11:41,282
(panting)
307
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:45,945
You know, I'm beginning to see
the appeal of football.
308
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,097
(chuckles)
Hit him again!
309
00:11:48,191 --> 00:11:49,624
Kids, behave!
310
00:11:51,861 --> 00:11:54,771
In a family,
we do not steal food.
311
00:11:54,864 --> 00:11:56,105
-But...
-No buts.
312
00:11:56,124 --> 00:11:57,623
Just because there aren't
coaches and minders
313
00:11:57,776 --> 00:12:01,202
watching your every move doesn't
mean you can act selfishly.
314
00:12:01,296 --> 00:12:04,447
In a family, you don't do you.
315
00:12:04,466 --> 00:12:05,539
You do...
316
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:06,540
others?
317
00:12:06,634 --> 00:12:07,967
And don't you forget it.
318
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,395
Now, boys, clear the table.
319
00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:13,306
Bust. Bust. Bust.
320
00:12:14,309 --> 00:12:16,568
You sure the rookie
doesn't mind sharing?
321
00:12:16,795 --> 00:12:18,644
Maggie loves company.
322
00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:20,387
Um, Mrs. Marge,
323
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:21,981
do-do you think
it'd be all right
324
00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:23,649
if I stayed here for a while?
325
00:12:23,802 --> 00:12:26,636
I've never been around
a real family before.
326
00:12:26,729 --> 00:12:28,896
Of course you can.
327
00:12:28,990 --> 00:12:30,248
You sure? I'm a lot of work.
328
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,809
I need 9,000 calories a day
or I'll die.
329
00:12:32,827 --> 00:12:35,462
So does my husband, silly.
330
00:12:44,322 --> 00:12:46,264
♪ ♪
331
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:09,454
Wow!
332
00:13:09,681 --> 00:13:11,939
I've never seen such
a tiny megachurch.
333
00:13:12,017 --> 00:13:14,626
It's a normal-sized
regular church, Grayson.
334
00:13:15,687 --> 00:13:18,855
Hey, here's a little fuel
for your private jet, Reverend.
335
00:13:19,782 --> 00:13:23,635
When did the faces
on the paper money get so big?
336
00:13:23,711 --> 00:13:26,954
♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
337
00:13:27,123 --> 00:13:28,122
(chuckles)
Wow.
338
00:13:28,216 --> 00:13:29,882
My first birthday party.
339
00:13:30,093 --> 00:13:32,035
I made you a card.
340
00:13:32,128 --> 00:13:35,054
HOMER:
We're all playing catch.
341
00:13:35,206 --> 00:13:36,706
You've all given me so much.
342
00:13:36,799 --> 00:13:37,982
I have a family now.
343
00:13:38,134 --> 00:13:40,543
A family that's shown me
I don't have to be selfish
344
00:13:40,562 --> 00:13:41,377
to be a success.
345
00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:42,353
Huddle up, team.
346
00:13:42,505 --> 00:13:44,213
Feelings on three!
One, two, three!
347
00:13:44,232 --> 00:13:45,156
ALL:
Feelings!
348
00:13:45,383 --> 00:13:47,233
(singsongy):
Who wants presents?
349
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:48,568
-I do! I do!
-GRAYSON: Ooh, ooh, I do!
350
00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:49,810
-I do! I do!
-Merch!
351
00:13:49,904 --> 00:13:51,812
(chuckles)
Try this on, big fella.
352
00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:53,723
(slurping)
353
00:13:53,741 --> 00:13:55,500
Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns!
354
00:13:55,651 --> 00:13:57,076
I'm so glad you came!
355
00:13:57,228 --> 00:13:59,412
Now it's a party, huh, guys?
356
00:13:59,564 --> 00:14:00,988
Oh, I would never miss
the birthday
357
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,066
of football's brashest bad boy.
358
00:14:03,084 --> 00:14:04,250
Now let's head out.
359
00:14:04,402 --> 00:14:07,328
You and I are having
a night on the town.
360
00:14:07,422 --> 00:14:10,014
It's time to party
with Brandyman!
361
00:14:10,166 --> 00:14:13,409
Or Do-You-Man? I'm...
Can we decide on a catchphrase?
362
00:14:13,428 --> 00:14:15,520
Catchphrase TBD!
363
00:14:15,597 --> 00:14:16,688
Are you nuts?
364
00:14:16,839 --> 00:14:18,264
You do realize that Grayson has
365
00:14:18,416 --> 00:14:21,192
a career-defining
football game tomorrow.
366
00:14:21,344 --> 00:14:24,362
He's gonna go to bed early
after a nice hot bath.
367
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:27,848
You can try out
the Silly Soap I bought. Huh?
368
00:14:27,942 --> 00:14:29,092
All right!
369
00:14:29,110 --> 00:14:30,851
This man plays a game
for a living
370
00:14:30,945 --> 00:14:33,262
and you infantilize him?
371
00:14:33,431 --> 00:14:37,450
Fine, but your mollycoddling
will have dire consequences.
372
00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:39,452
Mark my words.
373
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:43,214
-ANNOUNCER: Mathers withhis fourth touchdown of the day!
-(cheering)
374
00:14:43,366 --> 00:14:45,532
And in a never-before-seen move,
375
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:48,127
the opposing defense is resigning en masse
376
00:14:48,279 --> 00:14:50,780
to try their luckin the Canadian Football League.
377
00:14:50,798 --> 00:14:52,223
Good luck, fellas.
378
00:14:52,450 --> 00:14:56,060
There he is! The man I never
thought was a bust for a second!
379
00:14:56,246 --> 00:14:58,121
A 53-point win.
380
00:14:58,139 --> 00:15:00,456
Bet you can't wait to say
something really arrogant.
381
00:15:00,475 --> 00:15:02,458
Just lucky
to have great teammates,
382
00:15:02,551 --> 00:15:03,793
what a game plan,
383
00:15:03,811 --> 00:15:06,387
keep my head down and work.
384
00:15:06,481 --> 00:15:10,617
But also the greats who paved
the way in this league.
385
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:13,970
Where's my bad boy?
386
00:15:13,988 --> 00:15:16,155
Come on, son. Be a sore winner.
387
00:15:16,307 --> 00:15:17,974
Make Daddy proud.
388
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:20,084
Maybe you could call
the other team soft?
389
00:15:20,311 --> 00:15:22,569
I mean, it's just us reporters
here. No one will know.
390
00:15:22,664 --> 00:15:25,148
No, sir. I'm just trying
to be the kind of guy
391
00:15:25,316 --> 00:15:27,074
who makes a mother proud.
392
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,876
Are you saying...
393
00:15:28,987 --> 00:15:30,486
you're a mama's boy?
394
00:15:30,579 --> 00:15:33,389
I'm the biggest mama's boy
on the planet!
395
00:15:35,084 --> 00:15:36,917
Mmm. Tastes good.
396
00:15:37,053 --> 00:15:39,562
Marge Simpson,
what have you done?
397
00:15:46,187 --> 00:15:48,112
You've ruined
our beautiful, arrogant boy!
398
00:15:48,339 --> 00:15:51,098
Ruined? He's happy now.
399
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,766
What's wrong, guys?
Why are you fighting?
400
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:55,845
Oh, this woman's got you as
twisted as a Cossack's mustache.
401
00:15:55,863 --> 00:15:59,348
What happened to the bad boy I
raised up from recent adulthood?
402
00:15:59,367 --> 00:16:01,275
Don't listen to him, Grayson.
403
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:04,963
I'm so sorry
I ruined your spokesperson.
404
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,023
He's not just my spokesperson.
405
00:16:07,041 --> 00:16:08,357
He's my spokes-son.
406
00:16:08,376 --> 00:16:10,376
And you stole him from me.
407
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,196
You're so merged
with your own selfishness,
408
00:16:13,214 --> 00:16:16,623
you don't even identify it
as selfishness anymore.
409
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:17,791
You're a monster!
410
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,310
And you're winning!
411
00:16:19,462 --> 00:16:20,720
(grunts)
412
00:16:20,888 --> 00:16:22,963
You've got to choose, my boy.
413
00:16:23,057 --> 00:16:24,707
Me or her.
414
00:16:24,726 --> 00:16:27,986
Can't you see
you're tearing me apart?! (sobs)
415
00:16:28,137 --> 00:16:30,062
I need to grind tape
of blitz protections
416
00:16:30,215 --> 00:16:32,657
against an eight-man box!
417
00:16:32,808 --> 00:16:35,660
(crying)
418
00:16:47,490 --> 00:16:51,009
(sighs) I haven't heard
from Grayson in days.
419
00:16:51,236 --> 00:16:54,512
Neither has the NFL Network,
ESPN or Adam Schefter.
420
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:56,572
The football world hangs in the balance,
421
00:16:56,591 --> 00:16:58,182
waiting for this rookie phenom quarterback
422
00:16:58,334 --> 00:17:00,667
to choose between his surrogate parents.
423
00:17:00,762 --> 00:17:04,747
My sources tell me that Mathers hasn't gone back to Mr. Burns
424
00:17:04,766 --> 00:17:07,250
and that Marge has just this second finished folding
425
00:17:07,268 --> 00:17:09,935
the sheets Grayson may never sleep on again.
426
00:17:10,088 --> 00:17:11,738
What sources?
427
00:17:13,849 --> 00:17:17,851
What if I never see my special
big football boy again?
428
00:17:17,929 --> 00:17:21,706
Mom, a fancy invitation
came for you.
429
00:17:21,933 --> 00:17:23,449
(gasps)
Grayson sent me a ticket
430
00:17:23,601 --> 00:17:26,711
for the Sports Channel's
annual awards show.
431
00:17:26,862 --> 00:17:28,954
You're going
to the Sportswardsies?
432
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,107
That's the one night
when pro athletes
433
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,459
finally get to thank
their agents.
434
00:17:33,611 --> 00:17:36,036
And Grayson picked me
as his plus-one,
435
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,630
not Mr. Burns.
436
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:38,948
You won!
437
00:17:39,041 --> 00:17:40,892
Motherhood won!
438
00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:42,894
Yippee!
439
00:17:43,121 --> 00:17:44,228
-(wheezes)
-(gasps)
440
00:17:44,455 --> 00:17:46,305
LISA (wheezing):
All good, all good.
441
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,025
♪ ♪
442
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:54,814
-You!
-You!
443
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:58,301
Wait, I'm supposed
to be sitting next to Grayson.
444
00:17:58,394 --> 00:18:01,061
So am I. (scoffs)
I know what's happening here.
445
00:18:01,155 --> 00:18:03,322
Obviously, our boy
sat us together thinking
446
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,917
we would reach
some sort of rapprochement.
447
00:18:06,144 --> 00:18:07,977
He Parent Trapped us!
448
00:18:07,995 --> 00:18:09,087
Too bad for him--
449
00:18:09,238 --> 00:18:11,405
we're never gonna
see eye to eye.
450
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:12,423
Amen, sister.
451
00:18:12,575 --> 00:18:16,094
A toast
to never-ending animosity.
452
00:18:16,988 --> 00:18:18,579
I'll drink to that.
453
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,414
Enemies forever.
454
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,266
Mm. Ah.
455
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:24,918
The Sportswardsies are starting.
456
00:18:25,012 --> 00:18:27,012
Kids, have you filled out
your betting sheets?
457
00:18:27,165 --> 00:18:29,273
Look at these categories.
458
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:30,516
Worst Contract?
459
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,834
Best World Series?
460
00:18:31,927 --> 00:18:33,836
The Donald Sterling
Appalling Owner
461
00:18:33,929 --> 00:18:36,005
Lifetime Achievement Award?
462
00:18:36,023 --> 00:18:38,174
James Dolan,
James Dolan, James Dolan.
463
00:18:38,343 --> 00:18:41,268
For me, it's all about
Best Stretcher Ride Thumbs-Up.
464
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,679
Most of all,
I'd like to thank Gordo,
465
00:18:43,698 --> 00:18:46,198
who I pay six figures
to carry my trophies.
466
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,459
Gordo, this is for you, buddy.
467
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:52,355
ANNOUNCER: When we come back, the Sportswardsy
468
00:18:52,373 --> 00:18:54,465
for Most Inspiring Athlete.
469
00:18:54,617 --> 00:18:57,042
MARGE:
Oh, he's looking
at the wrong camera.
470
00:18:57,195 --> 00:18:59,378
He's such a cutie.
471
00:18:59,530 --> 00:19:02,623
How could two people like us,
with all our flaws,
472
00:19:02,833 --> 00:19:04,791
make this perfect creature?
473
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,552
(sighs)
I'm a terrible father.
474
00:19:06,704 --> 00:19:09,814
I should have raised him
to be a man, not a brand.
475
00:19:09,965 --> 00:19:13,042
Ah. Let's promise
we'll do better, Monty.
476
00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:14,468
Together.
477
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:18,322
The winner
for Most Inspiring Athlete is...
478
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:19,973
Grayson Mathers.
479
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,066
-♪ ♪
-(cheering, applause)
480
00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:24,978
You all know I've had
some personal struggles lately.
481
00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:28,482
I was losing
the football game of emotions.
482
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:31,002
But there's one person
who got me through it.
483
00:19:31,153 --> 00:19:32,503
He's talking about you.
484
00:19:32,655 --> 00:19:33,896
You're the nurturer.
485
00:19:34,065 --> 00:19:36,007
But you're his inspiration.
486
00:19:36,158 --> 00:19:37,758
It's got to be you.
487
00:19:38,753 --> 00:19:39,752
(groans)
488
00:19:39,921 --> 00:19:41,070
And that person is...
489
00:19:41,088 --> 00:19:44,924
-my fiancée Kaitlyn!
-(all gasp)
490
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:47,410
The three days I've known her
have seemed like a lifetime.
491
00:19:47,428 --> 00:19:50,079
An Instagram model,
a YouTube reactor
492
00:19:50,172 --> 00:19:52,172
and the creator of Yoga Yogurt,
493
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,433
the faith-based yogurt
you eat while yoga-ing.
494
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:57,344
Kaitlyn is so much more
than a business manager to me.
495
00:19:57,438 --> 00:20:00,089
Though she's that, too!
As of this morning!
496
00:20:00,182 --> 00:20:02,867
Hope you can handle
total financial control, baby!
497
00:20:03,094 --> 00:20:04,260
Good news, babe!
498
00:20:04,353 --> 00:20:05,778
You're fighting Floyd Mayweather
499
00:20:05,930 --> 00:20:07,930
on a Valentine's Day
pay-per-view!
500
00:20:07,949 --> 00:20:09,432
(whoops)
501
00:20:09,450 --> 00:20:11,100
She's getting me out
of the brandy business,
502
00:20:11,118 --> 00:20:13,285
into something
more wholesome, y'all:
503
00:20:13,438 --> 00:20:16,380
our new line
of all-ages hard seltzers.
504
00:20:16,499 --> 00:20:18,216
@Katilicious_97,
505
00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:20,033
I can't wait to marry you.
506
00:20:20,127 --> 00:20:21,610
Tell me there's a prenup.
507
00:20:21,629 --> 00:20:22,611
No prenup!
508
00:20:22,630 --> 00:20:24,280
That's how I roll!
509
00:20:24,298 --> 00:20:26,206
Who wants some seltzers?
510
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:27,374
Dime for you!
511
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:29,969
And just like that,
we've been replaced.
512
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:32,921
One day, they're these sweet,
innocent creatures
513
00:20:32,923 --> 00:20:34,974
who are totally reliant on you.
514
00:20:35,126 --> 00:20:37,476
Then, suddenly,
it's two weeks later
515
00:20:37,628 --> 00:20:39,612
and they're gone.
516
00:20:51,734 --> 00:20:54,252
ANNOUNCER: When we return, find outwho takes home the Sportswardsy
517
00:20:54,328 --> 00:20:55,978
for Best Press Conference Meltdown
518
00:20:55,997 --> 00:20:57,162
and Most Valuable MVP.
519
00:20:57,315 --> 00:20:59,239
Plus, Cirque du Soleil will reimagine
520
00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:01,241
this year's Most Flagrant Fouls.
521
00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:03,502
Later, it's Least Racist Team Name
522
00:21:03,654 --> 00:21:05,671
and Coldest Bud Light,
523
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,172
brought to you by Bud Light.
524
00:21:07,325 --> 00:21:09,100
And don't miss Kenny Chesney and his musical tribute
525
00:21:09,251 --> 00:21:12,436
to the 100 all-time worst-run vanity charities.
526
00:21:12,663 --> 00:21:15,106
Then, find out which baseball player will take home
527
00:21:15,257 --> 00:21:17,090
Highest Batting Average.
528
00:21:17,184 --> 00:21:19,168
And five living legends battle it out
529
00:21:19,261 --> 00:21:21,353
for the Most Tone-Deaf Hall of Fame Speech.
530
00:21:21,447 --> 00:21:22,688
And lots more.
531
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:26,191
All that when the Sportswardsies continue.
532
00:21:26,344 --> 00:21:29,178
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
533
00:21:29,196 --> 00:21:32,181
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
534
00:21:32,199 --> 00:21:35,126
And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
535
00:21:35,277 --> 00:21:38,379
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
536
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,492
Shh!
39707
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