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BIRDSONG
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GEESE HONK
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♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly
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♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la...
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♪ Alec Norman is a... ♪
GEESE SCREECH
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Girls... Sing it!
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♪ Six geese a'laying...
Five gold... ♪
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Decorations on the tree, twins.
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Oh, look at that!
All right, elves?
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Mm. Eh.
ALL: Mm...
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Right, let's phone Mariette.
Yes.
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BOTH: Mm!
Exciting!
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Primrose, stand by with your
"aw-ee-aw-ee aw-ee-aw". No, no.
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No, I'm not speaking French
until I've mastered it.
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That's how you learn,
by getting things wrong, innit?!
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Look at the wheel -
they tried all shapes and sizes.
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Erm, oh... er, bonjour.
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Mademoiselle Larkin?
INDISTINCT
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Larkan?
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Leu-keeng-sound?
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WOMAN SPEAKS FRENCH
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Parlez-vous Anglais?
That'll do it.
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No, Pop...
CALL ENDS
24
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They put the phone down.
Huh?
25
00:01:08,952 --> 00:01:11,151
Oh, well...
You know Mariette, she'll ring us.
26
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Yeah, but I want her here.
Our first Christmas without her.
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Bloody France.
28
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No excuse for language, apologies.
29
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Where's the bleeding swear box?
HE CHUCKLES
30
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Charley may have run off
with a Parisian hussy
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and Mariette's started drinking
inordinately from a chagrin.
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Primrose, can you cut down
on your novel-reading, please?!
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Look, are we downhearted?!
THEY MUTTER
34
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Well, we are a bit, but...
Come on, Oscar, eh...
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Give us a smile.
OSCAR BELCHES
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There you go.
LAUGHTER
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Oscar...
38
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♪ I saw three ships come sailing in
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♪ On Christmas Day
On Christmas Day
40
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♪ I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day in the morning
41
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♪ And what was
In those ships all three... ♪
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Oh, hello, you Fothergills!
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Seasonal whatsits,
Mr and Mrs Larkin!
44
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Bet that makes a nice change.
Riding a couple of woolly mammoths.
45
00:02:03,952 --> 00:02:07,951
Have you Larkins been burgled?
They've struck again.
46
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What, another burglary in our
dear little village? How dare he!
47
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When we catch him, we should be
allowed to punch him repeatedly.
48
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Or you could pray for him.
49
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He got Edith Pilchester last night.
No!
50
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Oh... Edith!
A moment of your precious, darling.
51
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Come on, spill the sad beans.
Yes, it's, well...
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Is it absolutely ghastly?
53
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That's exactly what it is.
54
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What did they get away with?
Nothing of value.
55
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Well, I have nothing of value.
56
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But the picture frame
given to me by my fiance Piers
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before he was, you know...
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No, what?
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Alec!
Ignore him.
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Killed in the war!
Oh.
61
00:02:44,952 --> 00:02:47,951
Still, no time for ennui,
it's all go in the village hall.
62
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How's the panto going?
63
00:02:48,953 --> 00:02:51,791
Very well.
Oh, no, it isn't!
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SHE SCOFFS,
ALEC LAUGHS
65
00:02:52,952 --> 00:02:56,951
It's no secret that Norma is livid
at being ousted as director.
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Aren't you, dear?
Well, it's about time.
67
00:02:58,952 --> 00:03:01,151
Edith's been waiting for years
for her chance.
68
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I just fear for the village.
69
00:03:03,952 --> 00:03:06,951
♪ Christmas Day in the morning
70
00:03:06,952 --> 00:03:08,951
♪ I saw three ships come sailing in
71
00:03:08,952 --> 00:03:11,791
♪ On Christmas Day
On Christmas Day... ♪
72
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We all know who did the burglary.
We mustn't jump to conclusions.
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Yeah.
Innocent until proven giggly.
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Ambrose Nunn did it.
You don't have to be Hercule Poirot.
75
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Or the other one, Marple.
76
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He's done time for burglary.
Sits in his weird house
77
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on the edge of the village,
hating decent people.
78
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Probably hiding
from people like you, Alec.
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You divide people, Alec -
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00:03:30,952 --> 00:03:32,951
some dislike you,
others sort of hate you.
81
00:03:32,952 --> 00:03:37,952
♪ Here we come
A-wassailing among the leaves...
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♪ Here I come a-wassailing
Among the leaves of green... ♪
83
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Mrs Batty, stop now,
you're embarrassing yourself.
84
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Well done, that songbird.
SHE CHUCKLES
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POP WHISTLES
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Hello Mr Larkin.
PC Harness. Is your Sarge in?
87
00:03:59,952 --> 00:04:01,631
Lord love you but, you know,
88
00:04:01,632 --> 00:04:03,951
I prefer a copper who's
started shaving, know what I mean?
89
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:06,951
He's gone down with the dropsy
again, so I'm in charge. Right.
90
00:04:06,952 --> 00:04:08,951
So, what shall we do about these
burglaries?
91
00:04:08,952 --> 00:04:10,951
Yes, I'm investigating.
92
00:04:10,952 --> 00:04:12,951
And what have you got so far?
93
00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:15,951
A number of items seem to have been
removed from a number of houses.
94
00:04:15,952 --> 00:04:18,951
Well, I can see
I'm in capable hands (!) Yes.
95
00:04:18,952 --> 00:04:22,151
Listen, I'm not one to judge
but are aware that Ambrose Nunn
96
00:04:22,152 --> 00:04:24,951
has got a police record
as long as Southend Pier.
97
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Yes. I-I'm... going to see him now,
on my bicycle.
98
00:04:28,952 --> 00:04:32,951
Right... Maybe you should wait for
Sergeant Plummer to come back. Why?
99
00:04:32,952 --> 00:04:34,951
Well, I like Ambrose,
we go way back,
100
00:04:34,952 --> 00:04:36,791
but he's had a tough old life
101
00:04:36,792 --> 00:04:38,951
and he's not averse
to thumping folk.
102
00:04:38,952 --> 00:04:41,951
I'm not scared of anyone.
Well, that's good,
103
00:04:41,952 --> 00:04:44,631
but you were beaten up
by the Froggatts' 12-year-old.
104
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She had a stick.
Even so, you may want help
105
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if you're gonna accuse Nunnsy
or try and bring him in.
106
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,951
I might wait, then.
Yeah. Good.
107
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Erm, Pop...
Yes?
108
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Could you put it about the village
that I'm really brave?
109
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Any particular reason?
110
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I'm in love with Pauline Molloy
and I really need to impress her.
111
00:05:04,952 --> 00:05:06,792
Oh, yeah.
112
00:05:08,952 --> 00:05:10,952
Someone's nicked your bike,
haven't they?
113
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Yes.
You wanna get the police onto that.
114
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POP CHUCKLES
115
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Merry Christmas, everyone.
Merry Christmas.
116
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EDITH: 'Try to have
a bit more fun with it.'
117
00:05:25,952 --> 00:05:27,992
MISS CHAND: 'I'm more interested
in Cinderella's struggle
118
00:05:27,992 --> 00:05:29,311
'for domestic justice.'
119
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Well... don't be.
Let's move on.
120
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I'm not querying the virgin birth
121
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but may I explore my feelings
with a short monologue?
122
00:05:40,952 --> 00:05:44,792
No, dear, it's a simple Nativity,
albeit swaddled in a pantomime.
123
00:05:45,792 --> 00:05:48,951
Twins, where's your fellow shepherd?
He's not coming any more.
124
00:05:48,952 --> 00:05:50,951
He said his costume
made him look silly.
125
00:05:50,952 --> 00:05:51,953
It did actually.
He's right.
126
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Really silly.
And we've lost a king. Ringworm.
127
00:05:54,952 --> 00:05:56,471
What?!
128
00:05:56,472 --> 00:05:58,951
Well, er,
let's run through the scene
129
00:05:58,952 --> 00:06:01,951
of Mary and Joseph
knocking on the door of Hardup Hall.
130
00:06:01,952 --> 00:06:04,951
My time is nearly come. Please, do
you have a spare room in your b...
131
00:06:04,952 --> 00:06:06,951
Sorry, can I get
a less bulky foetus?
132
00:06:06,952 --> 00:06:10,952
Greetings.
Mr Delamere. We're honoured.
133
00:06:11,952 --> 00:06:12,952
Why are you here?
134
00:06:12,953 --> 00:06:15,951
Well, you know, I thought
I'd drop in to offer my expertise
135
00:06:15,952 --> 00:06:18,951
as what's laughingly known as
"a professional actor".
136
00:06:18,952 --> 00:06:20,951
Are you not working at the moment?
137
00:06:20,952 --> 00:06:23,951
Well, as you know,
I wouldn't normally touch am-dram
138
00:06:23,952 --> 00:06:26,951
but I'm happy to help
with a small role, at Yule...
139
00:06:26,952 --> 00:06:28,951
to spread the joy.
Oh, that would be lovely.
140
00:06:28,952 --> 00:06:31,952
Twins, we've found you
a replacement shepherd.
141
00:06:34,952 --> 00:06:38,951
No... I was thinking
more of a cameo, as, perhaps...
142
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God?
143
00:06:41,952 --> 00:06:43,951
King?
144
00:06:43,952 --> 00:06:45,791
Yes, I think I can make king work.
145
00:06:45,792 --> 00:06:47,951
Forgive me if I appear
rather woebegone...
146
00:06:47,952 --> 00:06:50,951
I-I was burgled today...
Oh, I'm sorry. Me too.
147
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:53,951
It's upsetting.
I lost a very precious...
148
00:06:53,952 --> 00:06:55,951
Fortunately,
they missed all my awards.
149
00:06:55,952 --> 00:06:58,951
Miss Pilchester...
are there other kings?
150
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:02,952
Yes. Three in all.
It's a Nativity.
151
00:07:04,952 --> 00:07:09,952
Don't mind me.
I'm just seeing how it's all going.
152
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Let's carry on.
KNOCKING
153
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Beard, Joseph.
You two have been busy.
154
00:07:19,952 --> 00:07:21,951
Yes, and no...
155
00:07:21,952 --> 00:07:23,791
Oh, oh!
Oh.
156
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Ooh!
Oops!
157
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Oh, dear.
158
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PRIMROSE: 'I feel sorry
for Miss Pilchester.
159
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,951
'I think it'll be
a theatrical fiasco.'
160
00:07:33,952 --> 00:07:37,951
Mm... and it's taken so long for her
to get her go from Norma.
161
00:07:37,952 --> 00:07:40,951
I hate to pigeonhole,
but it's like...
162
00:07:40,952 --> 00:07:44,951
the Good Fairy taking on
the Wicked Old Bag of the East!
163
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THEY LAUGH
164
00:07:46,792 --> 00:07:47,951
Shh. Shh-shh.
165
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HE WHISPERS: Ma. Ma. Noises.
There's been burglaries.
166
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Shh.
167
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DOOR CREAKS
168
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Mariette!
MA GASPS
169
00:08:02,952 --> 00:08:05,631
Oh!
170
00:08:05,632 --> 00:08:07,951
Mariette!
LAUGHTER
171
00:08:07,952 --> 00:08:10,951
Oh, my, my! Oh-ho-ho-ho!
172
00:08:10,952 --> 00:08:12,951
Mariette!
MARIETTE SQUEALS
173
00:08:12,952 --> 00:08:15,631
THEY LAUGH
174
00:08:15,632 --> 00:08:19,952
Wait, wait, wait... no Charley?
Oh, no.
175
00:08:20,952 --> 00:08:23,632
Ah, Charley!
THEY CHEER AND LAUGH
176
00:08:24,952 --> 00:08:27,791
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Charley.
177
00:08:27,792 --> 00:08:30,311
He wanted you to see me first.
Hello, Ma.
178
00:08:30,312 --> 00:08:33,951
Merry Christmas!
Oh, it's so good to see you all.
179
00:08:33,952 --> 00:08:35,951
Monty, you've grown
at least a foot in six months.
180
00:08:35,952 --> 00:08:37,951
Why didn't you tell us
you were coming?
181
00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:39,951
Didn't you get our postcard?
182
00:08:39,952 --> 00:08:42,951
Brigitte Bardot in a bikini,
holding a snake? No.
183
00:08:42,952 --> 00:08:45,951
We've had the most fantastic time.
Paris is...
184
00:08:45,952 --> 00:08:49,951
Oh! How do you say it in English?
Oh, here we go.
185
00:08:49,952 --> 00:08:52,951
Ajoutez deux lettres a Paris,
et c'est le paradis.
186
00:08:52,952 --> 00:08:54,951
You can't argue with that.
187
00:08:54,952 --> 00:08:56,952
How long are you back for?
188
00:08:59,632 --> 00:09:02,951
We're back for good!
THEY CLAP AND LAUGH
189
00:09:02,952 --> 00:09:04,951
That is great news.
190
00:09:04,952 --> 00:09:07,951
Well, don't just stand there, kids,
come and get these suitcases.
191
00:09:07,952 --> 00:09:09,951
That's it. There you go. Go on.
192
00:09:09,952 --> 00:09:12,951
Come here! Come here!
That's it, girls, well done.
193
00:09:12,952 --> 00:09:15,952
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
194
00:09:22,472 --> 00:09:23,951
That's what I like to hear,
195
00:09:23,952 --> 00:09:26,951
mindless tittering
from the young lovers.
196
00:09:26,952 --> 00:09:29,951
We parents could be on fire
and they'd never notice.
197
00:09:29,952 --> 00:09:32,951
I was actually just saying I want
to meet Charley's mum and dad.
198
00:09:32,952 --> 00:09:34,952
Oh... we all do.
199
00:09:36,952 --> 00:09:38,951
Oh, we could invite them over!
Yeah.
200
00:09:38,952 --> 00:09:40,951
Oh!
Ooh... Erm, erm...
201
00:09:40,952 --> 00:09:41,953
There's no rush, really...
202
00:09:41,953 --> 00:09:45,791
No. No. No. Ma's right,
get 'em up here tomorrow.
203
00:09:45,792 --> 00:09:48,951
Christmas Eve, posh lunch!
Yes. Blinding idea.
204
00:09:48,952 --> 00:09:50,951
I'll get Primrose
to strangle a goose. Erm...
205
00:09:50,952 --> 00:09:53,471
Well, just to warn you,
they are still alarmed
206
00:09:53,472 --> 00:09:55,311
that I gave up a career
at the Tax Office
207
00:09:55,312 --> 00:09:58,471
and took off with a girl, so...
Ah, well, that's totally normal.
208
00:09:58,472 --> 00:10:00,951
Bog-standard.
Well, they, erm, they also...
209
00:10:00,952 --> 00:10:03,951
have reservations about me
living in the countryside so...
210
00:10:03,952 --> 00:10:06,952
Charley they'll be fine.
We'll make them so welcome.
211
00:10:08,952 --> 00:10:11,951
My dad said that if we wanted his
only child to waste his education
212
00:10:11,952 --> 00:10:15,952
and live on a farm, that
we would have stayed in Nigeria.
213
00:10:17,312 --> 00:10:20,951
So, maybe we should give them
a bit longer
214
00:10:20,952 --> 00:10:22,951
to get used to the idea.
215
00:10:22,952 --> 00:10:25,311
Sorry it's so last-minute,
but we'd love to invite you over
216
00:10:25,312 --> 00:10:28,951
for a festive Christmas luncheon,
tomorrow.
217
00:10:28,952 --> 00:10:31,951
QUIETLY: He says
it's rather short notice.
218
00:10:31,952 --> 00:10:33,951
It is. Our apologies -
219
00:10:33,952 --> 00:10:36,951
we're as mad as a box of penguins,
we Larkins!
220
00:10:36,952 --> 00:10:38,991
QUIETLY: They should make
some sort of device
221
00:10:38,992 --> 00:10:40,951
so we can all hear
what's bein' said.
222
00:10:40,952 --> 00:10:42,951
He says, nonetheless,
he and Mrs Charlton
223
00:10:42,952 --> 00:10:44,951
would love to see their son
224
00:10:44,952 --> 00:10:48,951
since he's been away so long...
doing Lord knows what.
225
00:10:48,952 --> 00:10:49,952
I bet.
226
00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:52,151
You should stay
for the whole Christmas!
227
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,951
No, they don't wanna do that.
228
00:10:54,952 --> 00:10:56,952
We understand.
229
00:10:59,312 --> 00:11:00,992
Well, how exciting!
230
00:11:05,952 --> 00:11:09,471
So the performance in front
of the whole village is tomorrow.
231
00:11:09,472 --> 00:11:11,951
Don't panic. Even though...
there is cause for panic.
232
00:11:11,952 --> 00:11:14,951
May I have your attention, please?
Of course, you can act it like that,
233
00:11:14,952 --> 00:11:17,951
but... I wouldn't...
Listen to your superior officer!
234
00:11:17,952 --> 00:11:18,991
Thank you, Brigadier.
235
00:11:18,992 --> 00:11:21,951
Prince Charming,
do remember you're a man,
236
00:11:21,952 --> 00:11:23,951
I'm still getting
an overwhelming sense of woman.
237
00:11:23,952 --> 00:11:27,951
I am what I am. That's like...
asking a bell not to ring.
238
00:11:27,952 --> 00:11:29,951
Well, do your best.
Conversely, Ugly Sister,
239
00:11:29,952 --> 00:11:31,951
can you magic up
some more femininity?
240
00:11:31,952 --> 00:11:33,951
No, I-I fear I'm up to my limit.
241
00:11:33,952 --> 00:11:36,951
Although I have been experimenting
at home with this,
242
00:11:36,952 --> 00:11:38,952
which I notice the ladies do...
243
00:11:40,632 --> 00:11:41,952
You need to be
a bit more sensitive...
244
00:11:41,952 --> 00:11:44,951
No, don't do that. Kings...
Nobody asked you to...
245
00:11:44,952 --> 00:11:46,951
Stop, stop. What's happening?
Mr Binns feels
246
00:11:46,952 --> 00:11:50,951
Mr Highwater is upstaging him
by swinging his cup of frankincense.
247
00:11:50,952 --> 00:11:52,952
Why does he think that?
I told him he was being upstaged.
248
00:11:52,952 --> 00:11:54,951
It is a matter of
professional etiquette.
249
00:11:54,952 --> 00:11:56,951
CLATTERING I am
leaving, this is ridiculous.
250
00:11:56,952 --> 00:11:59,951
Did you engineer that argument
so you could be the only king?
251
00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:01,791
Amateurs!
What a monstrous imputation.
252
00:12:01,792 --> 00:12:03,952
Can we have real sheep?
No, I'm struggling with the humans,
253
00:12:03,952 --> 00:12:06,951
I don't need
a pack of defecating animals.
254
00:12:06,952 --> 00:12:08,952
I'm sorry.
255
00:12:09,952 --> 00:12:12,472
Do go now, and let's hope
this comes together tomorrow.
256
00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:17,952
I'm sorry, Miss Pilchester,
we're letting you down.
257
00:12:17,952 --> 00:12:20,951
It's my fault, I've looked forward
to this for too long,
258
00:12:20,952 --> 00:12:22,951
and it's going to be
absolutely ghastly.
259
00:12:22,952 --> 00:12:23,952
Maybe it's not important.
260
00:12:23,953 --> 00:12:25,951
Not to you, perhaps,
but people like me,
261
00:12:25,952 --> 00:12:28,312
who have no family, rely on their
village to give their life meaning.
262
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:30,951
This was my chance
to create something memorable.
263
00:12:30,952 --> 00:12:35,472
A Christmas feast, rather than the
chilly meal for one which is my lot.
264
00:12:37,952 --> 00:12:40,952
CHAIRS CLATTER AND SCRAPE
265
00:12:45,312 --> 00:12:48,952
Good night, Norma.
Good night, Alec.
266
00:13:09,472 --> 00:13:11,791
ENGINE REVS
267
00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:14,791
TYRES SCREECH
268
00:13:14,792 --> 00:13:16,991
CRASHING,
ELECTRICAL FIZZING
269
00:13:16,992 --> 00:13:18,792
ELECTRIC SPARKING
270
00:13:20,792 --> 00:13:22,472
ELECTRIC SPARKING
271
00:13:23,792 --> 00:13:25,792
LAMP FIZZLES OUT
272
00:13:27,312 --> 00:13:30,791
CLICKING,
SHE SIGHS
273
00:13:30,792 --> 00:13:32,791
Oh, no!
274
00:13:32,792 --> 00:13:34,832
Yes, a burglary during the night.
275
00:13:36,312 --> 00:13:40,631
My husband, Mr Norman,
is so furious he's unable to speak.
276
00:13:40,632 --> 00:13:42,792
ELECTRICAL FIZZING
277
00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:48,792
And now they seem to have stolen
the electricity.
278
00:13:50,792 --> 00:13:53,471
ROOSTER CROWS
279
00:13:53,472 --> 00:13:56,791
Power cut!
We love power cuts!
280
00:13:56,792 --> 00:13:58,791
We don't even know
what electricity is!
281
00:13:58,792 --> 00:14:00,791
Well, your show's
not gonna be able to go on
282
00:14:00,792 --> 00:14:02,792
if there's not light or heat
in the village hall.
283
00:14:04,792 --> 00:14:05,793
Maybe it's just as well.
Cor!
284
00:14:05,793 --> 00:14:08,791
Dear-oh, it's a bit dark in here,
innit?
285
00:14:08,792 --> 00:14:11,311
Let's crack open some leccy.
CLICKING
286
00:14:11,312 --> 00:14:12,791
Oh, no.
287
00:14:12,792 --> 00:14:15,791
That'll put a kink in Christmas
if they don't fix it, eh?
288
00:14:15,792 --> 00:14:17,311
Victoria!
Yes, Pop?
289
00:14:17,312 --> 00:14:19,152
Get that genny going,
can you, love, please?
290
00:14:21,792 --> 00:14:25,791
It's a Christmas Eve calamity if
they don't restore the power soon.
291
00:14:25,792 --> 00:14:27,791
It is. The whole village is out.
292
00:14:27,792 --> 00:14:30,991
My stove's electric.
Ever tried eating raw sausages?
293
00:14:30,992 --> 00:14:32,792
No. Sorry.
294
00:14:33,792 --> 00:14:37,791
How are they? I managed it
but they're not a patch on cooked.
295
00:14:37,792 --> 00:14:41,631
We'll have to go and stay in my chum
Jasper's castle for Christmas.
296
00:14:41,632 --> 00:14:45,631
Well, you're annoying.
Oh, isn't that pretty?
297
00:14:45,632 --> 00:14:47,791
Let's not worry about the fire risk.
298
00:14:47,792 --> 00:14:49,791
Right, now, something special
for the Charltons.
299
00:14:49,792 --> 00:14:52,791
Word is they can't repair
the electricity sub-station
300
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:54,791
till after Christmas.
301
00:14:54,792 --> 00:14:56,791
Any news about the power?
The power cut?
302
00:14:56,792 --> 00:14:58,992
The light, the heat, the power,
can they fix it?
303
00:15:00,792 --> 00:15:02,791
Oh, no.
Do the show after Christmas.
304
00:15:02,792 --> 00:15:04,151
It's not like anybody cares.
305
00:15:04,152 --> 00:15:07,791
You can't really do Nativity
after Christmas. Horse has bolted.
306
00:15:07,792 --> 00:15:09,791
Yeah, even better,
don't do it at all.
307
00:15:09,792 --> 00:15:11,791
We've got a generator,
you can do it in our barn.
308
00:15:11,792 --> 00:15:13,791
Oh, could we?
If we move up there now,
309
00:15:13,792 --> 00:15:16,791
we could squeeze in
a dress rehearsal and then the show.
310
00:15:16,792 --> 00:15:18,792
Er...
311
00:15:19,992 --> 00:15:23,791
Do we really want
a pant-ivity on our premises
312
00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:26,792
when we're trying to impress
Charley's parents with a posh lunch?
313
00:15:27,792 --> 00:15:30,791
Yeah, but we can't let Edith
and the village down.
314
00:15:30,792 --> 00:15:31,991
We'd be helping them.
315
00:15:31,992 --> 00:15:34,792
By all accounts
the show is gruesome.
316
00:15:35,792 --> 00:15:38,791
Yeah. Well, it always is beforehand,
and then it turns out brilliant.
317
00:15:38,792 --> 00:15:42,792
If it turns out brilliant,
I'll eat my hat... and my coat.
318
00:15:44,792 --> 00:15:48,791
Of course, we insist that
you put the show on in our barn!
319
00:15:48,792 --> 00:15:51,152
You're both lambs. See you later.
320
00:15:54,792 --> 00:15:56,791
That is quite a face, Alec.
321
00:15:56,792 --> 00:15:59,791
Hope you got a nicer one,
seeing as it's Christmas.
322
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,791
We were burgled last night
by Mr Nunn.
323
00:16:02,792 --> 00:16:04,991
He got away with a host
of treasured knick-knacks.
324
00:16:04,992 --> 00:16:08,791
You're determined that it's Ambrose.
Who did it, then, Santa?
325
00:16:08,792 --> 00:16:10,792
A dissident elf?
Or maybe it was you.
326
00:16:13,792 --> 00:16:15,792
Right, time to sort this out.
327
00:16:27,792 --> 00:16:29,791
So, on an average day
I must risk my life,
328
00:16:29,792 --> 00:16:31,991
what, half a dozen times?
329
00:16:31,992 --> 00:16:33,831
You're full of it.
Full of valour.
330
00:16:33,832 --> 00:16:35,791
See? I'm the perfect boyfriend
331
00:16:35,792 --> 00:16:37,791
because I provide security,
literally.
332
00:16:37,792 --> 00:16:40,991
Yeah, I'm not ruling you out.
I like a uniform.
333
00:16:40,992 --> 00:16:43,791
I prefer firemen, but...
334
00:16:43,792 --> 00:16:45,792
Do you wanna... blow on my whistle?
335
00:16:48,792 --> 00:16:49,792
You never know.
336
00:16:51,312 --> 00:16:53,791
Merry Christmas, trouble.
You too, Pop.
337
00:16:53,792 --> 00:16:56,791
I hear Mariette's back. Yeah,
and I want you two to get along.
338
00:16:56,792 --> 00:16:59,792
You've been butting heads
like angry goats for far too long.
339
00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:08,791
And I'd put that tongue back in
before it freezes hard.
340
00:17:08,792 --> 00:17:10,791
Now, then... got any more clues?
341
00:17:10,792 --> 00:17:14,791
No, I'm clue-less.
HE CHUCKLES
342
00:17:14,792 --> 00:17:16,472
Well, we can't put it off
any longer, can we?
343
00:17:16,472 --> 00:17:18,791
Folk are getting upset.
It'll ruin their Christmas.
344
00:17:18,792 --> 00:17:21,631
Do you wanna start
in the obvious place? Ambrose Nunn?
345
00:17:21,632 --> 00:17:24,632
Uh-huh.
Can you come with me?
346
00:17:25,792 --> 00:17:28,792
ENGINE CLATTERING
347
00:17:33,992 --> 00:17:35,791
Start!
348
00:17:35,792 --> 00:17:37,631
They'll be here soon!
Is it nearly ready?
349
00:17:37,632 --> 00:17:40,472
From the Place Vendome to this.
350
00:17:41,792 --> 00:17:43,792
HE GROANS
351
00:17:45,792 --> 00:17:47,792
Oh!
352
00:17:50,792 --> 00:17:51,792
Monty, napkins.
353
00:17:55,792 --> 00:17:58,472
ENGINE TICKS OVER,
STARTS
354
00:18:09,792 --> 00:18:11,791
It's just that we didn't even know
355
00:18:11,792 --> 00:18:13,791
you were returning from France,
Cedric.
356
00:18:13,792 --> 00:18:18,471
I'm sorry. Life has just been so
overwhelming since I met Mariette.
357
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,791
Mum, she is just so...
358
00:18:20,792 --> 00:18:22,831
WHEELBARROW CLATTERS
359
00:18:22,832 --> 00:18:24,792
WHEELBARROW CLANGS
360
00:18:25,792 --> 00:18:26,792
dirty.
361
00:18:28,992 --> 00:18:32,791
Oh, erm... Mother, Father...
362
00:18:32,792 --> 00:18:34,792
this is Mariette.
Hello.
363
00:18:36,792 --> 00:18:39,791
She scrubs up very attractively.
Oh, but as we Larkins say -
364
00:18:39,792 --> 00:18:42,311
"No point in washing...
only get mucky again!"
365
00:18:42,312 --> 00:18:43,791
HE CHUCKLES
366
00:18:43,792 --> 00:18:46,791
Hello.
Good day to you.
367
00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:50,791
Welcome! I'm Florence,
but everyone calls me Ma.
368
00:18:50,792 --> 00:18:53,791
I'm Ginika...
but everyone calls me Mrs Charlton.
369
00:18:53,792 --> 00:18:57,312
No idea why...
am I that scarifying?!
370
00:18:58,792 --> 00:19:00,831
May I utilise your latrine?
371
00:19:00,832 --> 00:19:05,791
Oh, if needs must and nature calls,
Brigadier.
372
00:19:05,792 --> 00:19:06,792
MA CHUCKLES
373
00:19:07,792 --> 00:19:10,791
There's a power cut in the village
and we have a generator,
374
00:19:10,792 --> 00:19:13,791
so they've relocated the Nativity
to our barn.
375
00:19:13,792 --> 00:19:15,991
How delightful, a Nativity.
376
00:19:15,992 --> 00:19:19,471
Combined with a panto -
more of a nativi-tanto.
377
00:19:19,472 --> 00:19:20,791
Make it more interesting.
378
00:19:20,792 --> 00:19:23,471
More interesting than the story
of the birth of Jesus?
379
00:19:23,472 --> 00:19:26,791
Oh, no, I don't think she means
more interesting. Just, er...
380
00:19:26,792 --> 00:19:29,631
just more, er...
More of an excuse to swap gender
381
00:19:29,632 --> 00:19:31,992
than you'd usually find
in a panto... Nativity.
382
00:19:33,792 --> 00:19:35,792
I'm sure
it'll all be very respectful.
383
00:19:38,792 --> 00:19:40,791
Might I provide you with a snifter?
384
00:19:40,792 --> 00:19:43,791
Oh, no, no, no.
No, they don't drink. No.
385
00:19:43,792 --> 00:19:46,791
We would welcome a cup of tea.
Oh, of course. No, please,
386
00:19:46,792 --> 00:19:51,151
do sit down by the fire and I will
proceed with the luncheon.
387
00:19:51,152 --> 00:19:54,791
I would be very willing to help.
No, no, no, no, please...
388
00:19:54,792 --> 00:19:57,792
No. No.
My family will all entertain you.
389
00:20:00,792 --> 00:20:04,991
My husband appears to be detained...
on important work in the village.
390
00:20:04,992 --> 00:20:07,311
Come on. Come on, hurry.
Can't be late.
391
00:20:07,312 --> 00:20:09,792
Excuse me, Charley, thank you.
392
00:20:15,632 --> 00:20:17,791
Well, the show must go on!
393
00:20:17,792 --> 00:20:20,792
So...
Montgomery will entertain you.
394
00:20:23,792 --> 00:20:25,312
Er...
395
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:29,791
Let's all play poker for money.
No! No. No.
396
00:20:29,792 --> 00:20:32,791
Mother and Father don't gamble.
397
00:20:32,792 --> 00:20:34,792
Nor, nor do we!
Mm.
398
00:20:36,832 --> 00:20:38,792
KNOCKING ON DOOR
399
00:20:44,992 --> 00:20:47,791
Merry Christmas Eve, Ambrose.
Pop.
400
00:20:47,792 --> 00:20:49,792
Good day to you.
401
00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:52,791
What's up?
Oh, this and that.
402
00:20:52,792 --> 00:20:53,793
How's the little 'uns? Eh?
403
00:20:53,793 --> 00:20:57,791
Oh, here they are!
Nelson, how are you doing, son?
404
00:20:57,792 --> 00:21:00,791
Christine, what have I said to you
about being too adorable?
405
00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:01,792
POP CLEARS THROAT
406
00:21:04,792 --> 00:21:07,791
Ambrose, could we have a chin-wag?
Does he have to come in?
407
00:21:07,792 --> 00:21:09,791
Yeah, no, he's a good lad.
408
00:21:09,792 --> 00:21:12,792
He's more likely to get
a bit tearful than to arrest you.
409
00:21:17,792 --> 00:21:20,791
Hello, Mr Larkin.
Oh, Roy! Blimey. Look at you.
410
00:21:20,792 --> 00:21:23,791
All of a sudden I turn round,
you're a bloke.
411
00:21:23,792 --> 00:21:25,791
I brought something for you kids,
as well, look...
412
00:21:25,792 --> 00:21:28,791
Merry Christmas, Christine,
Merry Christmas, Nelson.
413
00:21:28,792 --> 00:21:30,471
Lovely to see you. And...
414
00:21:30,472 --> 00:21:33,791
Ena, come on, crack open a smile,
it's Christmas, darling.
415
00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:37,791
So... a question, Ambrose,
nothing controversial...
416
00:21:37,792 --> 00:21:40,791
we come in peace.
417
00:21:40,792 --> 00:21:43,791
Are you doing the burglaries
in the village?
418
00:21:43,792 --> 00:21:45,791
PC Harness here wants to know.
419
00:21:45,792 --> 00:21:47,991
What burglaries?
420
00:21:47,992 --> 00:21:50,792
Well, do muck in, constable.
Erm...
421
00:21:51,792 --> 00:21:55,791
Yes, there's been a few
around the village.
422
00:21:55,792 --> 00:21:58,791
And, well, you have some form.
So, I thought that maybe...
423
00:21:58,792 --> 00:22:02,791
Don't hit a copper, love.
Ambrose... Hello.
424
00:22:02,792 --> 00:22:05,791
I thought you, of all people,
would be on my side, Pop.
425
00:22:05,792 --> 00:22:07,791
I want to be, Ambrose. I do.
426
00:22:07,792 --> 00:22:09,791
I'm just here
to flush out the truth, is all.
427
00:22:09,792 --> 00:22:11,791
Well, how can I prove
I've done nothing wrong?!
428
00:22:11,792 --> 00:22:13,791
Not easy. But folk are talking.
429
00:22:13,792 --> 00:22:15,152
And if you are doing
the burglarising,
430
00:22:15,152 --> 00:22:17,991
well,
this is me warning you to stop.
431
00:22:17,992 --> 00:22:21,792
Or if you know who's doing it...
get them to stop.
432
00:22:23,792 --> 00:22:24,792
POP GROANS
433
00:22:27,792 --> 00:22:30,792
Look, I'm sorry, Pop,
but I've had it up to here.
434
00:22:33,792 --> 00:22:37,791
Nobody gives my family a break.
I can't find any work.
435
00:22:37,792 --> 00:22:41,471
The whole village hates me...
well, us.
436
00:22:41,472 --> 00:22:42,792
And they always will.
437
00:22:45,792 --> 00:22:48,791
Blimey, do you know what?
I've gotta go.
438
00:22:48,792 --> 00:22:50,792
It's my daughter's boyfriend's
parents are coming over
439
00:22:50,792 --> 00:22:53,791
and animals have laid down
their lives for lunch, so I've...
440
00:22:53,792 --> 00:22:57,792
Please... stay for tea.
No-one ever visits.
441
00:23:00,792 --> 00:23:01,992
Oh...
442
00:23:11,792 --> 00:23:13,792
I'll just see how the show's going.
443
00:23:17,792 --> 00:23:19,791
We missed you so much, Cedric.
444
00:23:19,792 --> 00:23:22,792
We loved your occasional letters,
you write so well.
445
00:23:23,792 --> 00:23:26,791
She's a pretty one, your Mariette.
Where's she gone?
446
00:23:26,792 --> 00:23:30,792
I... I imagine
she's washing the dung off.
447
00:23:31,792 --> 00:23:34,791
Where is everyone?
It's very rude.
448
00:23:34,792 --> 00:23:37,791
Yes, well,
they're usually so friendly.
449
00:23:37,792 --> 00:23:40,791
In fact,
everyone's friendly down here.
450
00:23:40,792 --> 00:23:42,791
DOOR OPENS If you...
451
00:23:42,792 --> 00:23:44,791
Ooh, hello.
452
00:23:44,792 --> 00:23:47,792
Oh, don't mind me,
I'm just a toff in search of a lav.
453
00:23:48,792 --> 00:23:51,791
Welcome back, big boy.
Hi.
454
00:23:51,792 --> 00:23:53,792
Mm... you could have had me.
455
00:23:58,472 --> 00:23:59,792
Er, as...
456
00:24:01,792 --> 00:24:04,791
The next bloke I shared a cell with
457
00:24:04,792 --> 00:24:07,791
used to tear his toenails off
in front of me
458
00:24:07,792 --> 00:24:11,151
just so he could go to the sick bay.
That's terrible.
459
00:24:11,152 --> 00:24:13,791
I tell you,
you've really opened my eyes.
460
00:24:13,792 --> 00:24:15,791
I mean, it's a disgrace,
461
00:24:15,792 --> 00:24:17,832
incarcerating people
just cos they've nicked things.
462
00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:21,791
Well, look, Ambrose, I gotta go.
463
00:24:21,792 --> 00:24:23,791
I'm sorry you've had
a bad few years, mate...
464
00:24:23,792 --> 00:24:27,471
but all the more reason
for you to look to your future.
465
00:24:27,472 --> 00:24:29,151
And thanks, Ena,
really appreciate it,
466
00:24:29,152 --> 00:24:30,791
but you and Ambrose,
467
00:24:30,792 --> 00:24:33,791
you need to stop sitting in here
and feeling put upon, right?
468
00:24:33,792 --> 00:24:35,791
You've got no idea, Pop.
469
00:24:35,792 --> 00:24:38,791
People move towards you,
they move away from us.
470
00:24:38,792 --> 00:24:42,831
Why don't you come to the panto
in our barn today at three o'clock.
471
00:24:42,832 --> 00:24:45,791
What, so the whole village
can sneer at me and my kids?
472
00:24:45,792 --> 00:24:49,791
No! So they can see
that you are good people.
473
00:24:49,792 --> 00:24:51,791
Well, good-ish.
474
00:24:51,792 --> 00:24:54,631
Come on, eh?
It's grim out there, innit?
475
00:24:54,632 --> 00:24:57,791
The shop's gonna be shut, the whole
of village will be at our place.
476
00:24:57,792 --> 00:25:00,791
Could be a new start.
477
00:25:00,792 --> 00:25:01,792
See you.
478
00:25:06,792 --> 00:25:08,632
God bless you.
479
00:25:09,792 --> 00:25:11,791
DOOR CLOSES
480
00:25:11,792 --> 00:25:13,791
Wow, what a super family!
481
00:25:13,792 --> 00:25:15,792
I guess we need to look elsewhere
for our burglar, Pop.
482
00:25:15,792 --> 00:25:17,791
Looks like it.
Any ideas?
483
00:25:17,792 --> 00:25:19,791
I have my theories.
What are they?
484
00:25:19,792 --> 00:25:22,791
Don't you worry your tiny
little pointy head there, constable.
485
00:25:22,792 --> 00:25:25,792
If I play my cards right,
the village...
486
00:25:27,152 --> 00:25:30,791
will have its stolen goods
back in time for Christmas.
487
00:25:30,792 --> 00:25:33,791
POP CHUCKLES
Well, come on, jump in.
488
00:25:33,792 --> 00:25:34,792
CAR DOOR SLAMS
489
00:25:42,552 --> 00:25:44,911
FOOTSTEPS
490
00:25:44,912 --> 00:25:46,712
Ta-da!
491
00:25:50,712 --> 00:25:52,711
You have cooked
for the whole of Kent.
492
00:25:52,712 --> 00:25:54,711
Yes, well, we do overdo it
sometimes.
493
00:25:54,712 --> 00:25:56,711
Sit down, Ma.
494
00:25:56,712 --> 00:25:58,711
She's normally so relaxed.
495
00:25:58,712 --> 00:26:00,711
Yes, well, it's not every day
496
00:26:00,712 --> 00:26:03,711
that you make your daughter's
boyfriend's parents' acquaintance.
497
00:26:03,712 --> 00:26:07,071
I promise you, we're just here to
get to know you, not to find fault.
498
00:26:07,072 --> 00:26:09,711
MOTOR BACKFIRES,
ELECTRICITY FIZZLES
499
00:26:09,712 --> 00:26:12,711
VICTORIA: Oh, come on, you arsy...!
Oh, that's Victoria.
500
00:26:12,712 --> 00:26:14,711
She's working on the generator.
501
00:26:14,712 --> 00:26:17,232
She is a mechanical genius.
CHARLIE CHUCKLES
502
00:26:24,712 --> 00:26:27,711
And Montgomery
is painting the scenery.
503
00:26:27,712 --> 00:26:29,711
Ooh! What an artist!
504
00:26:29,712 --> 00:26:32,712
Stand back, Renoir,
there's a new guy in town.
505
00:26:34,752 --> 00:26:36,711
Sorry everyone's so distracted.
506
00:26:36,712 --> 00:26:38,711
Yes, I don't know
where my husband is.
507
00:26:38,712 --> 00:26:40,751
I do apologise for his absence.
508
00:26:40,752 --> 00:26:44,711
Cedric informs us that
he is a pillar of the community
509
00:26:44,712 --> 00:26:47,711
and also a purveyor of antiquities.
510
00:26:47,712 --> 00:26:48,712
MARIETTE SCOFFS
511
00:26:48,713 --> 00:26:50,911
Well, it's more of a junkyard,
really.
512
00:26:50,912 --> 00:26:52,712
You find me amusing?
513
00:26:55,712 --> 00:26:58,391
Why did you exaggerate the truth,
Cedric?
514
00:26:58,392 --> 00:27:00,711
No, it's not. I...
515
00:27:00,712 --> 00:27:03,711
I just know that you like people
to be respectable.
516
00:27:03,712 --> 00:27:04,911
My husband's respectable.
517
00:27:04,912 --> 00:27:07,391
We all are.
Mm-hm.
518
00:27:07,392 --> 00:27:09,711
POP: ♪ Oh, cockle-doodle-do
519
00:27:09,712 --> 00:27:12,711
♪ Got nuffin to do with you
520
00:27:12,712 --> 00:27:13,712
♪ It's a jolly fine cock
521
00:27:13,713 --> 00:27:16,391
♪ But it's all I've got... ♪
Excuse me.
522
00:27:16,392 --> 00:27:18,711
♪ A cockle-doodle-do
523
00:27:18,712 --> 00:27:22,711
♪ Cockle-doodle-do
It's got nothing to do with you
524
00:27:22,712 --> 00:27:25,391
♪ I put me cock under me arm... ♪
525
00:27:25,392 --> 00:27:26,751
Must you?!
THEY CHUCKLE
526
00:27:26,752 --> 00:27:28,711
♪ Cockle-doodle-do! ♪
527
00:27:28,712 --> 00:27:30,391
Where've you been?!
528
00:27:30,392 --> 00:27:32,551
Been trying to solve
these burglaries, Ma.
529
00:27:32,552 --> 00:27:33,712
Well, don't! Find a policeman.
530
00:27:33,712 --> 00:27:34,713
Yeah, I tried that an' all.
531
00:27:34,713 --> 00:27:36,711
It's ruining folks' Christmas,
you know.
532
00:27:36,712 --> 00:27:38,711
You want to see ruined?!
Huh?
533
00:27:38,712 --> 00:27:40,711
We are re-enacting
the War Of The Roses in there.
534
00:27:40,712 --> 00:27:42,712
HE MOUTHS: Don't worry!
Go in.
535
00:27:44,712 --> 00:27:45,751
A million apologies,
536
00:27:45,752 --> 00:27:48,711
I've been having tea
with a very angry burglar.
537
00:27:48,712 --> 00:27:50,711
Hello, there's lovely, look,
538
00:27:50,712 --> 00:27:52,711
the two very loins
that came together
539
00:27:52,712 --> 00:27:54,711
and created our Charley boy!
540
00:27:54,712 --> 00:27:57,551
Don't say loins.
Imagine you're the Queen.
541
00:27:57,552 --> 00:27:59,711
Shall we lighten the mood?
Sherry? Cocktails? No! No.
542
00:27:59,712 --> 00:28:01,711
Thank you, no.
No, no, don't be shy. Vodka?
543
00:28:01,712 --> 00:28:03,711
Everyone loves a bit of Russian.
544
00:28:03,712 --> 00:28:05,711
No, no, no.
You're right.
545
00:28:05,712 --> 00:28:06,713
Something a bit more sophisticated.
546
00:28:06,713 --> 00:28:09,911
What about a bottle of Burgundy?
Been laying down for years,
547
00:28:09,912 --> 00:28:11,711
needs opening
and giving a good seeing to.
548
00:28:11,712 --> 00:28:13,911
FART AND GURGLE
549
00:28:13,912 --> 00:28:17,231
Pardon! Both ends.
Just to be clear, that was the baby.
550
00:28:17,232 --> 00:28:20,711
I've seen enough.
We should be heading home.
551
00:28:20,712 --> 00:28:23,711
No, Sylvester, loosen your tie,
relax now.
552
00:28:23,712 --> 00:28:24,712
We haven't really talked.
553
00:28:24,713 --> 00:28:27,711
MA: And there's the nativity...
type thing,
554
00:28:27,712 --> 00:28:30,711
in our barn, to see this evening.
555
00:28:30,712 --> 00:28:32,712
Word is, it's gonna be magical.
556
00:28:34,232 --> 00:28:36,391
HE SIGHS
557
00:28:36,392 --> 00:28:37,711
HE GROANS
558
00:28:37,712 --> 00:28:39,711
CHATTER
559
00:28:39,712 --> 00:28:40,713
Performance in half an hour.
560
00:28:40,713 --> 00:28:42,712
Good luck, everybody.
561
00:28:43,712 --> 00:28:47,711
Where was I? Oh, yes, so,
I went to my local amateur troupe
562
00:28:47,712 --> 00:28:52,711
and the leading lady,
Marcia Fulcrum, chiropodist by day,
563
00:28:52,712 --> 00:28:54,712
walked into the scenery
and it promptly fell on her.
564
00:28:54,712 --> 00:28:56,711
Oh, there's danger everywhere.
565
00:28:56,712 --> 00:28:59,711
Another difference between
professional and amateur theatres -
566
00:28:59,712 --> 00:29:02,751
the pros can walk and say
their lines at the same time.
567
00:29:02,752 --> 00:29:05,711
This may be amateur,
you patronising clot,
568
00:29:05,712 --> 00:29:08,272
but there's nothing that a bit
of effort and belief wouldn't fix.
569
00:29:09,752 --> 00:29:13,071
I don't want to care
what Norma Norman thinks,
570
00:29:13,072 --> 00:29:15,712
but if this goes badly, she will
remind me for the rest of my days -
571
00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:18,711
on the street, in church,
at every committee meeting.
572
00:29:18,712 --> 00:29:20,712
Kill me now.
573
00:29:23,712 --> 00:29:25,711
We did take a sharp intake of breath
574
00:29:25,712 --> 00:29:27,711
when Cedric said
he was quitting the tax office.
575
00:29:27,712 --> 00:29:29,711
But, you know, it's just...
576
00:29:29,712 --> 00:29:31,712
Then he's spent six months
in France doing nothing.
577
00:29:31,712 --> 00:29:33,071
Oh, we weren't doing nothing.
578
00:29:33,072 --> 00:29:34,711
MA CHUCKLES Course they weren't!
579
00:29:34,712 --> 00:29:37,391
Young and in love,
in romantic "Paree".
580
00:29:37,392 --> 00:29:39,711
Pop and I never got out of bed
the first few months,
581
00:29:39,712 --> 00:29:42,231
and we were in a caravan in Sheppey.
Not half!
582
00:29:42,232 --> 00:29:45,711
Here, and you loved working
in that bar, you two, didn't you!
583
00:29:45,712 --> 00:29:46,712
CEDRIC SIGHS
584
00:29:46,713 --> 00:29:49,711
Oh, have I blundered in again?
You can't take me anywhere, can you?
585
00:29:49,712 --> 00:29:51,711
It was more of a posh restaurant,
really.
586
00:29:51,712 --> 00:29:53,711
We've never seen
so many fancy omelettes!
587
00:29:53,712 --> 00:29:56,711
Yes! Un oeuf! Enough.
Yeah!
588
00:29:56,712 --> 00:29:58,711
THEY LAUGH
589
00:29:58,712 --> 00:29:59,911
Ah, dear.
590
00:29:59,912 --> 00:30:02,711
So, you swapped your career
in accountancy
591
00:30:02,712 --> 00:30:03,712
in order to carry plates?
592
00:30:03,713 --> 00:30:06,711
I'm afraid my husband
is very much a traditionalist.
593
00:30:06,712 --> 00:30:09,711
No, I'm a realist.
We are a family of good repute.
594
00:30:09,712 --> 00:30:12,711
I want to keep it that way.
595
00:30:12,712 --> 00:30:13,712
Ah!
596
00:30:13,713 --> 00:30:15,711
They'll need food.
More words, Victoria.
597
00:30:15,712 --> 00:30:18,711
Like I say,
she is brilliant with machinery.
598
00:30:18,712 --> 00:30:20,551
But hates a long sentence!
599
00:30:20,552 --> 00:30:21,711
The audience.
600
00:30:21,712 --> 00:30:23,711
Oh.
POP: Good point, Victoria.
601
00:30:23,712 --> 00:30:26,711
Especially as the power cut
has knocked out electric ovens
602
00:30:26,712 --> 00:30:27,712
right across the village.
603
00:30:27,713 --> 00:30:30,711
I'll make refreshments, don't worry.
I'll help you.
604
00:30:30,712 --> 00:30:32,711
Oh, no, I couldn't possibly
ask you to.
605
00:30:32,712 --> 00:30:36,231
Why not?
I'm sorry, but don't be so proud.
606
00:30:36,232 --> 00:30:37,712
It is a deadly sin.
607
00:30:38,712 --> 00:30:41,551
Yeah! I mean, why don't you two
get to know each other,
608
00:30:41,552 --> 00:30:42,711
you know, sharing a kitchen?
609
00:30:42,712 --> 00:30:45,712
I'm sure you've got a lot
to teach Ma, Mrs C.
610
00:30:49,712 --> 00:30:51,711
I knew it was a bad idea,
them coming!
611
00:30:51,712 --> 00:30:54,712
Well, we can't keep our families
apart forever.
612
00:31:00,712 --> 00:31:02,712
Found it!
613
00:31:05,712 --> 00:31:07,711
Primrose...
614
00:31:07,712 --> 00:31:09,712
Now I'm Mary.
615
00:31:11,072 --> 00:31:12,711
Sorry!
616
00:31:12,712 --> 00:31:14,711
If my parents
hadn't got on with you,
617
00:31:14,712 --> 00:31:17,071
I'd have said that's their problem,
cos it's you I love.
618
00:31:17,072 --> 00:31:19,912
Oh! Oh, I love you.
619
00:31:21,712 --> 00:31:22,712
So much.
620
00:31:25,712 --> 00:31:29,391
You seem scared of your dad.
Stand up to him.
621
00:31:29,392 --> 00:31:30,711
Ooh.
You've got strong opinions.
622
00:31:30,712 --> 00:31:33,071
You're the most intelligent person
I know.
623
00:31:33,072 --> 00:31:34,711
Oh, thank you.
624
00:31:34,712 --> 00:31:36,711
Apart from Primrose.
What?!
625
00:31:36,712 --> 00:31:40,711
Speak your mind.
Be honest with him.
626
00:31:40,712 --> 00:31:43,711
I would love to, Mariette, but
it is not that simple with fathers.
627
00:31:43,712 --> 00:31:46,711
He just sees through me.
628
00:31:46,712 --> 00:31:49,712
I... I am a part of him.
629
00:31:51,712 --> 00:31:52,712
I'm not.
630
00:31:52,713 --> 00:31:54,711
And I like a challenge.
631
00:31:54,712 --> 00:31:57,711
I'm gonna make sure
he doesn't leave here
632
00:31:57,712 --> 00:31:58,712
until we've won him over.
633
00:32:12,712 --> 00:32:15,711
Hello and welcome to the Near East.
634
00:32:15,712 --> 00:32:17,711
Please don't smoke,
635
00:32:17,712 --> 00:32:20,712
because this place
could burn down in seconds.
636
00:32:26,712 --> 00:32:30,751
Edith, darling,
your words cut me to the quick.
637
00:32:30,752 --> 00:32:32,711
I've become a monster,
638
00:32:32,712 --> 00:32:36,231
a mountebank
trapped inside a painted doll.
639
00:32:36,232 --> 00:32:38,751
No, I'm sorry.
My mouth ran away with me.
640
00:32:38,752 --> 00:32:42,711
You know, this is now the biggest
challenge of my theatrical life,
641
00:32:42,712 --> 00:32:45,711
bigger even than my Tartuffe,
642
00:32:45,712 --> 00:32:48,392
bigger than my Bottom in Stratford.
643
00:32:51,712 --> 00:32:53,712
Miss Pilchester,
we think we should use real sheep,
644
00:32:53,712 --> 00:32:56,711
especially because, well,
this is their barn.
645
00:32:56,712 --> 00:32:58,711
Ah, no, I fear a calamity.
646
00:32:58,712 --> 00:33:01,192
Besides, the magic of theatre
will make what we have look real.
647
00:33:05,712 --> 00:33:06,712
Glass of mulled wine?
648
00:33:06,713 --> 00:33:09,711
This will help take the edge off
our ordeal.
649
00:33:09,712 --> 00:33:12,711
Oh, yes, your beastly burglary!
650
00:33:12,712 --> 00:33:15,231
No, the production.
Indeed.
651
00:33:15,232 --> 00:33:17,711
They'll have to go some
to match your shows, Norma.
652
00:33:17,712 --> 00:33:20,711
What was it the Mid-Kent Times
called your Mikado?
653
00:33:20,712 --> 00:33:23,551
"Sturdy." Thank you, Alec.
654
00:33:23,552 --> 00:33:24,711
But I'll take no pleasure
655
00:33:24,712 --> 00:33:26,711
in Edith Pilchester's loss of face
656
00:33:26,712 --> 00:33:28,711
and social standing.
657
00:33:28,712 --> 00:33:30,711
Would you like to sit at the back,
658
00:33:30,712 --> 00:33:32,711
so the actors
can't hear you both tutting?
659
00:33:32,712 --> 00:33:34,712
HE TUTS
660
00:33:37,712 --> 00:33:39,751
May I have your ticket, please,
Vicar?
661
00:33:39,752 --> 00:33:41,551
I don't have to pay.
662
00:33:41,552 --> 00:33:43,711
I'm the production's
religious advisor.
663
00:33:43,712 --> 00:33:45,711
Er...
664
00:33:45,712 --> 00:33:47,711
A glass of mulled wine?
Thank you.
665
00:33:47,712 --> 00:33:49,712
Oh.
666
00:34:10,712 --> 00:34:12,392
Oh, please.
667
00:34:18,712 --> 00:34:21,391
I'm not sure the village is ready
for what you're cooking.
668
00:34:21,392 --> 00:34:22,712
Really?
669
00:34:26,712 --> 00:34:28,711
Oh!
670
00:34:28,712 --> 00:34:30,711
I mean, I hope so.
671
00:34:30,712 --> 00:34:33,711
But round here, we're only just
getting used to lettuce.
672
00:34:33,712 --> 00:34:35,712
THEY CHUCKLE
673
00:34:47,712 --> 00:34:50,711
Mr Charlton, can I get you anything?
674
00:34:50,712 --> 00:34:52,711
No, thank you.
675
00:34:52,712 --> 00:34:54,711
Cup of tea? Bible?
676
00:34:54,712 --> 00:34:55,911
Stiff-backed chair?
677
00:34:55,912 --> 00:34:59,711
Some choral music on the gramophone?
678
00:34:59,712 --> 00:35:01,712
No, that will not be necessary.
679
00:35:05,712 --> 00:35:09,711
I'm sorry I gave you the impression
I don't take your views seriously.
680
00:35:09,712 --> 00:35:14,712
Truth is, you and I
believe in the same things.
681
00:35:16,392 --> 00:35:17,711
What do you believe in?
682
00:35:17,712 --> 00:35:22,712
Prudence, justice,
temperance and fortitude.
683
00:35:24,712 --> 00:35:25,712
Me too.
684
00:35:26,712 --> 00:35:30,711
That's my big four. How lovely!
685
00:35:30,712 --> 00:35:33,711
In that case, do you believe in
chastity before marriage?
686
00:35:33,712 --> 00:35:35,391
Very much so.
687
00:35:35,392 --> 00:35:38,751
We Larkins may seem laissez-faire
because it's the country style,
688
00:35:38,752 --> 00:35:40,712
but in fact, we're highly moral.
689
00:35:42,232 --> 00:35:43,711
Shall we join the Nativity?
690
00:35:43,712 --> 00:35:46,712
I hasten to add the Larkins
aren't responsible for the content.
691
00:35:47,712 --> 00:35:49,712
Except for the respectful bits.
692
00:35:54,712 --> 00:35:56,712
Hello, do you have tickets?
693
00:35:57,712 --> 00:35:59,551
Um... no.
694
00:35:59,552 --> 00:36:01,912
So, that will be
one pound, one shilling.
695
00:36:02,752 --> 00:36:04,711
I don't have that much.
696
00:36:04,712 --> 00:36:07,711
Can I pay half now
and the rest another time?
697
00:36:07,712 --> 00:36:10,711
No, that would be massively bonkers.
698
00:36:10,712 --> 00:36:12,711
ALEC NORMAN: Either pay up or leave!
699
00:36:12,712 --> 00:36:13,712
We vote leave!
700
00:36:15,712 --> 00:36:16,712
Please.
701
00:36:16,713 --> 00:36:20,231
I can't deviate from the rules
without authorisation
702
00:36:20,232 --> 00:36:22,552
from the Ticket
and Refreshments Committee.
703
00:36:25,712 --> 00:36:27,711
We'll have to go. Come on.
704
00:36:27,712 --> 00:36:29,711
Hello Ambrose! Ena, wait.
705
00:36:29,712 --> 00:36:31,711
Sorry, Pop said you were coming,
706
00:36:31,712 --> 00:36:33,392
I'm supposed to be
looking after you.
707
00:36:45,712 --> 00:36:47,712
Move up a bit.
708
00:37:08,072 --> 00:37:09,711
Oh!
709
00:37:09,712 --> 00:37:12,711
Long ago, there lived
a young woman named Mary.
710
00:37:12,712 --> 00:37:14,711
Me.
711
00:37:14,712 --> 00:37:16,752
And me, Cinderella.
712
00:37:18,712 --> 00:37:21,711
I am engaged to be married.
713
00:37:21,712 --> 00:37:23,911
And I have a family
I could cheerfully kill.
714
00:37:23,912 --> 00:37:25,711
LAUGHTER
715
00:37:25,712 --> 00:37:29,552
And we are both about to embark
on our greatest adventure.
716
00:37:32,712 --> 00:37:34,712
How lovely to be home.
717
00:37:35,712 --> 00:37:37,712
WIND WHISTLES
718
00:38:10,552 --> 00:38:11,712
Afternoon, Roy.
719
00:38:13,912 --> 00:38:15,711
What are you doing here?
720
00:38:15,712 --> 00:38:17,712
Well, I tipped you off
that this shop was gonna be closed,
721
00:38:17,712 --> 00:38:20,711
because, well,
I had my doubts about you.
722
00:38:20,712 --> 00:38:23,711
And I wanted us to talk about it
before you got in any deeper.
723
00:38:23,712 --> 00:38:26,551
I'm taking what we need,
I don't care what you have to say.
724
00:38:26,552 --> 00:38:29,711
You're a good lad, and you think
your family deserve a Christmas.
725
00:38:29,712 --> 00:38:32,231
Don't you?
Yeah, but not like this.
726
00:38:32,232 --> 00:38:33,712
I mean...
727
00:38:34,712 --> 00:38:36,711
what would your mum and dad say,
728
00:38:36,712 --> 00:38:38,711
hey, if they knew you were here,
729
00:38:38,712 --> 00:38:41,711
about to bugger up your life
before it's even started?
730
00:38:41,712 --> 00:38:44,711
I don't care.
We're all tired of having nothing.
731
00:38:44,712 --> 00:38:46,072
No presents and bad food.
732
00:38:48,752 --> 00:38:52,711
Look, put that stuff back, right,
733
00:38:52,712 --> 00:38:55,712
then what we'll do is return
all the swag that you've got.
734
00:38:57,712 --> 00:39:00,392
And then we'll find a way
to get out of this, eh?
735
00:39:03,712 --> 00:39:05,712
Oh, Roy.
736
00:39:07,552 --> 00:39:08,711
How did you come by that?
737
00:39:08,712 --> 00:39:10,711
Burgled it
off that Indian army bloke.
738
00:39:10,712 --> 00:39:11,751
I'll use it!
739
00:39:11,752 --> 00:39:14,712
Well, you're gonna have to,
in't ya?
740
00:39:15,712 --> 00:39:18,071
Cos I'm going nowhere
until I've talked you out of this.
741
00:39:18,072 --> 00:39:19,711
COCKS GUN
742
00:39:19,712 --> 00:39:23,711
And if that's got bullets in it,
743
00:39:23,712 --> 00:39:25,711
I'm a Dutchman.
744
00:39:25,712 --> 00:39:26,712
BANG Ah!
745
00:39:31,712 --> 00:39:35,712
You ever been to Amsterdam?
Lovely in springtime.
746
00:39:42,712 --> 00:39:44,711
AUDIENCE: Aw!
747
00:39:44,712 --> 00:39:45,712
CEDRIC CHUCKLES
748
00:39:46,712 --> 00:39:49,231
Tonight feels special.
749
00:39:49,232 --> 00:39:51,711
Yeah, there's something in the air.
750
00:39:51,712 --> 00:39:52,712
Where are the sheep?
751
00:39:52,713 --> 00:39:54,711
Oh, no, we had one job to do!
752
00:39:54,712 --> 00:39:57,751
LAUGHTER
753
00:39:57,752 --> 00:40:00,711
As you can see,
it's a very supportive village.
754
00:40:00,712 --> 00:40:04,071
I'd say that's second
only to its... fortitude.
755
00:40:04,072 --> 00:40:05,712
Or its... prudence.
756
00:40:06,752 --> 00:40:10,231
So, this is the charm she used
to conquer my son.
757
00:40:10,232 --> 00:40:11,712
Mm...
758
00:40:12,712 --> 00:40:13,712
'Scuse me.
759
00:40:21,712 --> 00:40:23,711
You probably think
you're the only one
760
00:40:23,712 --> 00:40:25,712
who's a victim of prejudice,
you know, treated badly,
761
00:40:25,712 --> 00:40:28,071
about as welcome as a turd
in a jug of Pimms.
762
00:40:28,072 --> 00:40:30,711
So, tell me I'm wrong.
No, you're not wrong.
763
00:40:30,712 --> 00:40:32,711
But also, you're not alone.
764
00:40:32,712 --> 00:40:35,231
Do you think this village
welcomed me and Ma with a parade?
765
00:40:35,232 --> 00:40:37,711
Dinky little place like this
with its landed gentry
766
00:40:37,712 --> 00:40:40,711
and its Alec Normans and
his judgements and his assumptions?
767
00:40:40,712 --> 00:40:42,711
No. Me and Ma, we had to work hard.
768
00:40:42,712 --> 00:40:44,711
Made some money.
769
00:40:44,712 --> 00:40:46,712
Fell in love with the place,
but loved the people -
770
00:40:46,712 --> 00:40:49,391
the Miss Pilchesters,
the Brigadiers, even the Vicar.
771
00:40:49,392 --> 00:40:52,711
You can talk all you want,
I've got nothing to lose.
772
00:40:52,712 --> 00:40:54,711
Yes, you have, Roy.
773
00:40:54,712 --> 00:40:57,711
You've got a loving family.
774
00:40:57,712 --> 00:41:00,551
Do you know how precious that is,
huh?
775
00:41:00,552 --> 00:41:01,712
You're gonna get caught, son.
776
00:41:05,232 --> 00:41:06,711
You will.
777
00:41:06,712 --> 00:41:09,711
And everyone'll say,
"Told you so! See that Roy Nunn?
778
00:41:09,712 --> 00:41:12,712
"He's just a chip
off his old dad's block."
779
00:41:18,712 --> 00:41:20,712
Come on, Roy, put the gun down, eh?
780
00:41:22,712 --> 00:41:24,711
Before you do yourself a nasty.
781
00:41:24,712 --> 00:41:26,711
Or me, more to the point.
782
00:41:26,712 --> 00:41:30,711
Cos see, I've got seven kids
and a Rolls Royce to support!
783
00:41:30,712 --> 00:41:32,712
BANG No!
784
00:41:43,632 --> 00:41:45,632
MUSIC: 'Beans and Cornbread'
by Louis Jordan
785
00:41:46,672 --> 00:41:53,631
♪ Bean and cornbread... ♪
786
00:41:53,632 --> 00:41:57,631
It's all wrong,
you cooking, a guest.
787
00:41:57,632 --> 00:41:59,631
Don't start that again, Ma.
788
00:41:59,632 --> 00:42:01,631
The least I could do
is make a contribution,
789
00:42:01,632 --> 00:42:03,631
as today's been rather awkward.
790
00:42:03,632 --> 00:42:08,151
Yes, and the truth is,
our men haven't shone.
791
00:42:08,152 --> 00:42:09,631
Pop's normally good at people,
792
00:42:09,632 --> 00:42:11,631
but he's had a tin ear for you two.
793
00:42:11,632 --> 00:42:14,471
No, it's my husband -
he's more fun than he looks,
794
00:42:14,472 --> 00:42:17,631
but he's buried it.
He fears he's losing his son.
795
00:42:17,632 --> 00:42:19,631
I've told him, "Stop sulking!"
796
00:42:19,632 --> 00:42:22,631
Well, it must be harder
when it's an only child.
797
00:42:22,632 --> 00:42:24,631
I recommend having half a dozen.
798
00:42:24,632 --> 00:42:25,632
MA CHUCKLES
799
00:42:25,633 --> 00:42:27,632
We are sad that Cedric
seemed to forget us.
800
00:42:28,632 --> 00:42:30,632
But I forgive him
more easily than his father.
801
00:42:33,632 --> 00:42:35,152
Ooh!
802
00:42:37,632 --> 00:42:38,831
But this looks beautiful.
803
00:42:38,832 --> 00:42:40,631
Well, you understand, like me,
804
00:42:40,632 --> 00:42:43,631
food is the best way
to get people to come together.
805
00:42:43,632 --> 00:42:45,471
So, there's still hope for us all!
806
00:42:45,472 --> 00:42:47,631
THEY CHUCKLE
807
00:42:47,632 --> 00:42:48,633
It's the interval, Mrs Larkin.
808
00:42:48,633 --> 00:42:50,991
Oh, Libby, how is it going?
809
00:42:50,992 --> 00:42:52,631
Oh, passably well,
810
00:42:52,632 --> 00:42:55,472
but it's fair to say refreshments
will help the mood.
811
00:42:58,632 --> 00:43:01,671
Ah.
That's not going to go down well.
812
00:43:01,672 --> 00:43:03,311
Oh, yes it is!
813
00:43:03,312 --> 00:43:05,631
♪ Beans and cornbread. ♪
814
00:43:05,632 --> 00:43:07,632
APPLAUSE
815
00:43:13,632 --> 00:43:16,312
Come on, let's go play outside!
Yeah, let's go play!
816
00:43:18,632 --> 00:43:21,632
You from around these parts?
No.
817
00:43:23,992 --> 00:43:26,632
What do you want to know?
I've got all the gossip.
818
00:43:29,632 --> 00:43:31,831
Tell me about the Larkins.
819
00:43:31,832 --> 00:43:33,631
They eat a couple of geese a day,
820
00:43:33,632 --> 00:43:35,631
Ma and Pop can't keep their hands
off each other.
821
00:43:35,632 --> 00:43:38,311
The kids basically live outdoors.
822
00:43:38,312 --> 00:43:40,631
Pop's so canny, he's literally sold
coals to Newcastle.
823
00:43:40,632 --> 00:43:43,471
They all watch two tellies
every night till closedown.
824
00:43:43,472 --> 00:43:45,632
Pauline, our Prince Charming
and Mariette fight like cats.
825
00:43:45,632 --> 00:43:47,672
It's all "trollop this,
floozie that".
826
00:43:49,632 --> 00:43:54,152
I've got more. Shall I go on?
No. Please don't.
827
00:43:55,632 --> 00:43:58,631
For all you poor people
with no power at home
828
00:43:58,632 --> 00:44:01,631
to cook your Christmas food -
feed your faces.
829
00:44:01,632 --> 00:44:03,631
Look at that! Lovely.
830
00:44:03,632 --> 00:44:06,631
Goodness me, is there gonna be
enough to go round, I wonder?
831
00:44:06,632 --> 00:44:08,632
That's it. Lovely.
832
00:44:10,632 --> 00:44:13,632
That's wonderful, Mrs Charlton.
That's a beautiful thing.
833
00:44:15,632 --> 00:44:18,631
That's it. Lovely, Mrs Charlton.
834
00:44:18,632 --> 00:44:19,632
Thank you.
835
00:44:19,633 --> 00:44:21,632
Right, well, this won't do.
836
00:44:23,632 --> 00:44:26,152
Mrs Fothergill, try this.
Er...
837
00:44:27,152 --> 00:44:28,631
I don't really want to.
838
00:44:28,632 --> 00:44:31,631
Yes, you do! Charley's mum made it.
839
00:44:31,632 --> 00:44:33,632
Get outside it, come on.
840
00:44:34,632 --> 00:44:37,632
Kentish ingredients
with a continental treatment.
841
00:44:40,632 --> 00:44:44,631
Mmm! Actually, that's delicious.
842
00:44:44,632 --> 00:44:45,632
What's that taste?
843
00:44:45,633 --> 00:44:49,311
Minced beef, flour and some spices
from my grandmother's kitchen.
844
00:44:49,312 --> 00:44:50,631
Wonderful!
845
00:44:50,632 --> 00:44:51,632
Mmm!
Mm!
846
00:44:51,633 --> 00:44:54,311
Thank God for that,
something with a bit of flavour.
847
00:44:54,312 --> 00:44:55,632
Careful.
848
00:44:57,632 --> 00:44:59,631
Tuck in!
Your turn.
849
00:44:59,632 --> 00:45:01,631
Form an orderly queue.
850
00:45:01,632 --> 00:45:04,631
Now, we've got
a few new things here...
851
00:45:04,632 --> 00:45:06,631
Father.
852
00:45:06,632 --> 00:45:10,631
Ooh, I am not good
at confronting people,
853
00:45:10,632 --> 00:45:12,471
especially you, but...
854
00:45:12,472 --> 00:45:14,631
Well, no,
let's not call it confrontation,
855
00:45:14,632 --> 00:45:17,632
let's call it... open-but-nice chat.
856
00:45:18,632 --> 00:45:20,991
Oh, are you enjoying the show?
857
00:45:20,992 --> 00:45:24,632
I can take you backstage afterwards
if you'd like, meet the stars.
858
00:45:25,632 --> 00:45:27,631
Terrible out there!
859
00:45:27,632 --> 00:45:29,151
They've shut the railway station.
860
00:45:29,152 --> 00:45:30,631
What?!
861
00:45:30,632 --> 00:45:31,632
The points are frozen.
862
00:45:31,633 --> 00:45:34,831
Cedric?
So, how are we going to get home?
863
00:45:34,832 --> 00:45:37,631
Sylvester, it's an adventure.
864
00:45:37,632 --> 00:45:38,672
I don't want an adventure.
865
00:45:40,472 --> 00:45:44,632
I'd prefer a quiet Christmas
with my loved ones.
866
00:45:46,632 --> 00:45:49,631
Fine, I'll drive you home
in Pop's car after the show.
867
00:45:49,632 --> 00:45:50,671
Thank you.
868
00:45:50,672 --> 00:45:54,632
It will be nice to have you home
for Christmas... on your own.
869
00:46:03,472 --> 00:46:04,992
HE SIGHS
870
00:46:10,632 --> 00:46:14,631
Could your husband not bear
to watch the show, Mrs Larkin?
871
00:46:14,632 --> 00:46:18,151
Fear not, Norma, he's on a mission.
872
00:46:18,152 --> 00:46:20,632
He'll come bouncing home any moment.
873
00:46:24,632 --> 00:46:26,631
Well, that wasn't exactly
a masterclass
874
00:46:26,632 --> 00:46:28,631
in getting your point across.
What about you?!
875
00:46:28,632 --> 00:46:31,631
Goodness, Dad saw your toadying
a mile off.
876
00:46:31,632 --> 00:46:35,151
I mean, you might as well have...
have... have worn a toad costume!
877
00:46:35,152 --> 00:46:36,631
What?!
878
00:46:36,632 --> 00:46:39,631
I'll tell you the worst thing.
I'm worried you'll turn into him.
879
00:46:39,632 --> 00:46:41,631
He's not that bad!
880
00:46:41,632 --> 00:46:45,631
Argh! I mean, maybe we are all
a bit too self-indulgent.
881
00:46:45,632 --> 00:46:48,991
Argh!
Oh, no, it's started!
882
00:46:48,992 --> 00:46:50,632
What?
883
00:46:52,632 --> 00:46:55,632
This is...
This is our first lovers' tiff.
884
00:46:56,632 --> 00:46:59,631
A family row. That's so Christmassy.
885
00:46:59,632 --> 00:47:01,631
I know!
886
00:47:01,632 --> 00:47:03,632
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
887
00:47:08,632 --> 00:47:11,311
Look, he's my dad,
I'll sort it out.
888
00:47:11,312 --> 00:47:12,632
Good.
889
00:47:14,312 --> 00:47:15,632
HE SIGHS
890
00:47:20,632 --> 00:47:22,472
AUDIENCE GASP
891
00:47:26,632 --> 00:47:28,631
Hasten to Bethlehem,
892
00:47:28,632 --> 00:47:32,631
where the son of God
will be born imminently.
893
00:47:32,632 --> 00:47:33,832
What will we do with the sheep?
894
00:47:33,832 --> 00:47:35,631
What sheep?
895
00:47:35,632 --> 00:47:37,631
LAUGHTER
896
00:47:37,632 --> 00:47:38,672
Oh, have they gone again?
897
00:47:40,832 --> 00:47:42,471
Oh, there they are!
898
00:47:42,472 --> 00:47:44,632
SHEEP BLEAT
899
00:47:46,472 --> 00:47:47,831
But we can't just abandon them.
900
00:47:47,832 --> 00:47:51,632
So, come and tend to them.
901
00:47:59,632 --> 00:48:03,631
The night is serene,
as though the world is waiting.
902
00:48:03,632 --> 00:48:06,631
There it is before me,
903
00:48:06,632 --> 00:48:08,312
a magical place.
904
00:48:09,152 --> 00:48:10,991
A moment in time,
905
00:48:10,992 --> 00:48:13,672
a coming-together,
seemingly insignificant...
906
00:48:16,312 --> 00:48:18,631
but not.
907
00:48:18,632 --> 00:48:20,831
Our spark of humanity,
908
00:48:20,832 --> 00:48:22,832
burning brightly.
909
00:48:25,632 --> 00:48:27,631
Hello, kiddies!
910
00:48:27,632 --> 00:48:29,992
I hope you're all having
a lovely time.
911
00:48:31,152 --> 00:48:34,471
There you go, kiddies. Lunch!
912
00:48:34,472 --> 00:48:35,632
The black things
should be liquorice,
913
00:48:35,632 --> 00:48:38,631
but check before you eat -
this is a barn!
914
00:48:38,632 --> 00:48:39,672
VICAR: Over here!
915
00:48:41,632 --> 00:48:43,632
AUDIENCE: Yay!
Lovely kiddies!
916
00:48:47,632 --> 00:48:50,631
♪ Silent Night
917
00:48:50,632 --> 00:48:53,831
♪ Holy Night
918
00:48:53,832 --> 00:48:56,992
♪ All is calm
919
00:48:58,632 --> 00:49:00,991
♪ All is bright... ♪
920
00:49:00,992 --> 00:49:02,632
I'm worried.
921
00:49:04,312 --> 00:49:08,311
Pop wouldn't miss this
if something bad hadn't happened.
922
00:49:08,312 --> 00:49:14,631
♪ Holy infant so tender and mild
923
00:49:14,632 --> 00:49:22,632
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace. ♪
Where is he?!
924
00:49:28,632 --> 00:49:31,311
I'm so tired and so happy,
925
00:49:31,312 --> 00:49:33,631
as though I've given birth
to the whole world.
926
00:49:33,632 --> 00:49:36,152
Maybe there is something
to this religion thing.
927
00:49:38,632 --> 00:49:39,632
Greetings.
928
00:49:39,633 --> 00:49:41,631
I have travelled far,
929
00:49:41,632 --> 00:49:43,631
and come with gifts
for the baby Jesus,
930
00:49:43,632 --> 00:49:46,631
of gold, of frankincense and myrrh.
931
00:49:46,632 --> 00:49:48,632
That'll be useful (!)
932
00:49:49,632 --> 00:49:52,632
LAUGHTER
933
00:49:53,632 --> 00:49:57,471
And the best gift of all
is a new beginning
934
00:49:57,472 --> 00:50:00,631
and the joy of Christmases to come!
935
00:50:00,632 --> 00:50:02,632
APPLAUSE
936
00:50:11,632 --> 00:50:16,632
Bravo!
Bravo!
937
00:50:19,632 --> 00:50:21,631
Thank you. You're so kind.
938
00:50:21,632 --> 00:50:23,831
It looked like
it would be absolutely ghastly.
939
00:50:23,832 --> 00:50:28,631
You see, Norma, that's a show.
I can't see you being asked back.
940
00:50:28,632 --> 00:50:30,631
Good. More time at home with me.
941
00:50:30,632 --> 00:50:33,632
No, not good, Alec!
942
00:50:35,632 --> 00:50:36,632
Bravo!
943
00:50:43,632 --> 00:50:47,632
Oh, sorry I missed the show,
everyone.
944
00:50:48,632 --> 00:50:52,631
Could you do it all again, please?
LAUGHTER
945
00:50:52,632 --> 00:50:53,632
I'm game. Anyone else?
946
00:50:57,552 --> 00:50:59,551
Lovely to see you, Mr and Mrs Nunn.
947
00:50:59,552 --> 00:51:01,551
Now, don't you leave it
so long next time.
948
00:51:01,552 --> 00:51:03,551
Thanks, Pop.
Merry Christmas.
949
00:51:03,552 --> 00:51:05,552
The rest of you, you're all
very welcome to stay over.
950
00:51:05,552 --> 00:51:07,551
You've got no electrics at home.
951
00:51:07,552 --> 00:51:09,072
There's plenty of nosh
and booze and hay.
952
00:51:09,072 --> 00:51:10,231
MA CHUCKLES
953
00:51:10,232 --> 00:51:12,551
Norma and I would rather lose
a nose to frostbite
954
00:51:12,552 --> 00:51:13,553
than stay with the Larkins.
955
00:51:13,553 --> 00:51:16,591
Oh, well, if you're sure.
Yeah, please yourself.
956
00:51:16,592 --> 00:51:18,552
EDITH: You're too kind.
957
00:51:19,752 --> 00:51:22,391
Pop...
What?
958
00:51:22,392 --> 00:51:24,551
Which toe did Roy shoot off?
959
00:51:24,552 --> 00:51:25,552
Oh, the middle.
960
00:51:25,553 --> 00:51:28,551
Hospital reckons that ain't one of
the important ones.
961
00:51:28,552 --> 00:51:30,552
It'll remind him what an idiot
he was. Not half, yeah.
962
00:51:30,552 --> 00:51:34,551
It was so nice to see Ambrose
and his family not hiding away.
963
00:51:34,552 --> 00:51:36,551
Let's hope no-one ever hears
964
00:51:36,552 --> 00:51:39,231
that is was one of them
that did those burglaries.
965
00:51:39,232 --> 00:51:40,551
Ma, it was all Roy.
966
00:51:40,552 --> 00:51:42,551
Even his dad didn't know.
967
00:51:42,552 --> 00:51:44,592
I mean, I've trusted the kid
to return what he stole
968
00:51:44,592 --> 00:51:46,751
by tomorrow, anonymous, like.
969
00:51:46,752 --> 00:51:48,911
He'd better not let me down.
No.
970
00:51:48,912 --> 00:51:51,551
It'll ruin folks' Christmas
if they don't get their things back.
971
00:51:51,552 --> 00:51:53,551
TYRES SCREECH,
CRASH
972
00:51:53,552 --> 00:51:54,912
Oh, goodness, what is that?
973
00:51:56,552 --> 00:51:57,552
Especially Edith.
974
00:51:57,553 --> 00:52:01,551
Oh, yeah.
What a lovely day for her, though.
975
00:52:01,552 --> 00:52:04,551
She's planning to do
Nativity: The Opera next year.
976
00:52:04,552 --> 00:52:06,551
Maybe we should go away.
977
00:52:06,552 --> 00:52:08,551
THEY CHUCKLE
978
00:52:08,552 --> 00:52:11,751
That was the best acting
I've seen in my life.
979
00:52:11,752 --> 00:52:15,551
The things men will say
to get in my... good books.
980
00:52:15,552 --> 00:52:20,551
No, I mean it.
You were... strong but vulnerable.
981
00:52:20,552 --> 00:52:22,232
Really, though?
Yes.
982
00:52:23,552 --> 00:52:25,551
And I can't let you leave, sorry.
983
00:52:25,552 --> 00:52:27,911
Why's that?
Safety grounds.
984
00:52:27,912 --> 00:52:30,591
Looks like
they've just crashed their car.
985
00:52:30,592 --> 00:52:32,552
Change of plan. We will stay.
986
00:52:34,552 --> 00:52:36,551
Easy, Norma.
Small sips, as discussed.
987
00:52:36,552 --> 00:52:39,551
Or what,
you'll drive me into a hedge?
988
00:52:39,552 --> 00:52:41,552
Oh, no, you already have!
989
00:52:57,912 --> 00:53:00,072
SNORING
990
00:53:13,552 --> 00:53:15,551
HE SIGHS
991
00:53:15,552 --> 00:53:19,551
Here, Ma, those Charltons
are good people, in't they?
992
00:53:19,552 --> 00:53:21,551
Mm-hm.
993
00:53:21,552 --> 00:53:23,551
Ginnika's a darlin',
994
00:53:23,552 --> 00:53:25,552
but the old man's
a tougher nut to crack.
995
00:53:29,392 --> 00:53:31,072
Do you think
we should say something?
996
00:53:32,552 --> 00:53:36,551
No, absolutely not.
997
00:53:36,552 --> 00:53:37,553
Tell you what we should do,
998
00:53:37,553 --> 00:53:41,231
just let Mariette and Charley
sort it out.
999
00:53:41,232 --> 00:53:42,752
Come on, come on.
1000
00:54:23,552 --> 00:54:26,551
Oh, I love it when you need me.
1001
00:54:26,552 --> 00:54:28,551
And off you go.
I know it sounded like a good idea
1002
00:54:28,552 --> 00:54:30,552
to get Charley's parents along,
but it's been a disaster!
1003
00:54:30,552 --> 00:54:33,551
I want us to be happy
and obsessed with each other,
1004
00:54:33,552 --> 00:54:34,592
like we were in France
when it was just us,
1005
00:54:34,592 --> 00:54:37,551
but now I've had my first proper row
and I feel all...
1006
00:54:37,552 --> 00:54:39,551
MARIETTE GROANS
1007
00:54:39,552 --> 00:54:41,551
I think you know the answer.
1008
00:54:41,552 --> 00:54:43,591
Being with someone
can't all be wine and roses.
1009
00:54:43,592 --> 00:54:47,552
Sometimes there's nettles
and bladderwort in with the roses.
1010
00:54:50,552 --> 00:54:53,552
Leave Charley to sort out
his own family, trust him.
1011
00:54:55,232 --> 00:54:59,392
You follow your heart, my darling,
and enjoy Christmas Day.
1012
00:55:11,552 --> 00:55:14,551
Shouldn't you be taking
the Christmas Day service, Vicar?
1013
00:55:14,552 --> 00:55:18,551
My chaplain will do it. I can't risk
getting stuck in the snow.
1014
00:55:18,552 --> 00:55:20,552
Or missing a hot breakfast.
1015
00:55:25,552 --> 00:55:27,551
Erm...
Oh, Charley.
1016
00:55:27,552 --> 00:55:30,551
We love you, Charley,
and you're very bright.
1017
00:55:30,552 --> 00:55:32,551
Not as bright as Primrose,
apparently.
1018
00:55:32,552 --> 00:55:34,591
It's not a competition.
So, you'll know the saying
1019
00:55:34,592 --> 00:55:37,551
"Walk a mile
in someone else's shoes."
1020
00:55:37,552 --> 00:55:38,552
Mm-hm.
1021
00:55:38,553 --> 00:55:39,554
Well, I don't think you've tried
1022
00:55:39,554 --> 00:55:41,552
walking in your dad's footwear
recently.
1023
00:55:49,552 --> 00:55:50,552
Thank you, Ma!
1024
00:55:50,552 --> 00:55:51,552
You're welcome.
1025
00:55:56,552 --> 00:55:58,751
So, tell him how you feel.
1026
00:55:58,752 --> 00:56:00,911
I should not need to tell him.
1027
00:56:00,912 --> 00:56:03,232
He's in love. He's not normal.
1028
00:56:04,552 --> 00:56:06,551
KNOCK AT DOOR
1029
00:56:06,552 --> 00:56:08,551
Yes, come in.
1030
00:56:08,552 --> 00:56:09,552
Hi.
1031
00:56:11,552 --> 00:56:13,551
Merry Christmas.
1032
00:56:13,552 --> 00:56:15,552
Merry Christmas!
1033
00:56:20,232 --> 00:56:21,552
Merry Christmas.
1034
00:56:23,552 --> 00:56:26,551
Come on, Dad, enough of this.
1035
00:56:26,552 --> 00:56:29,592
Right, well...
1036
00:56:32,552 --> 00:56:35,551
Well, firstly, forgive me.
1037
00:56:35,552 --> 00:56:37,551
You do everything for me,
1038
00:56:37,552 --> 00:56:39,551
and then out of the blue, I ring you
1039
00:56:39,552 --> 00:56:42,551
to say that I've left my job
and I've moved to the country.
1040
00:56:42,552 --> 00:56:45,551
And then I'm in France,
and I haven't seen you for months.
1041
00:56:45,552 --> 00:56:51,552
So, yes, is it any wonder that you
are feeling sad and aggrieved?
1042
00:56:53,552 --> 00:56:54,591
Especially you, Dad.
1043
00:56:54,592 --> 00:56:56,551
Because, well, like me,
1044
00:56:56,552 --> 00:56:58,551
you aren't very good
at expressing yourself.
1045
00:56:58,552 --> 00:57:01,551
And, incidentally,
we both need to do better,
1046
00:57:01,552 --> 00:57:05,552
because, well,
it's hard work for everyone else.
1047
00:57:06,552 --> 00:57:09,551
But I promise you
I will spend more time with you,
1048
00:57:09,552 --> 00:57:10,552
and we can talk.
1049
00:57:10,553 --> 00:57:13,551
And, yes, I know
I may not be a taxman any more...
1050
00:57:13,552 --> 00:57:14,552
That's really OK.
1051
00:57:14,553 --> 00:57:17,551
No, I...
I will make you proud of me
1052
00:57:17,552 --> 00:57:22,072
for what I achieve
in this lovely, lovely village.
1053
00:57:24,552 --> 00:57:27,752
I'm... I'm sorry.
1054
00:57:29,552 --> 00:57:32,552
You must have felt like
I didn't care about you.
1055
00:57:33,912 --> 00:57:36,551
Well, you're not wrong there.
1056
00:57:36,552 --> 00:57:39,552
Oh, but why do you hate Mariette,
Dad?
1057
00:57:40,552 --> 00:57:42,551
She stole our son from us.
1058
00:57:42,552 --> 00:57:44,551
No! No, she didn't.
1059
00:57:44,552 --> 00:57:46,912
Dad, I threw myself at her,
and she resisted.
1060
00:57:48,232 --> 00:57:51,551
And she's always telling me off
for how much I neglect you.
1061
00:57:51,552 --> 00:57:55,552
Well, if you let her...
1062
00:57:57,552 --> 00:57:59,552
she'll love you too, Dad.
1063
00:58:03,552 --> 00:58:04,552
Please, Dad.
1064
00:58:07,552 --> 00:58:08,552
I'm sorry.
1065
00:58:09,552 --> 00:58:11,552
But we're worried, son.
Yes, we are.
1066
00:58:13,552 --> 00:58:15,551
She's prettier
and quicker-witted than you.
1067
00:58:15,552 --> 00:58:17,552
So you'll need to work hard
to keep her.
1068
00:58:20,552 --> 00:58:22,072
Sorry.
1069
00:58:36,472 --> 00:58:38,472
Shh, shh, shh, it's OK.
1070
00:58:40,992 --> 00:58:44,152
I know. Who's a good boy?
1071
00:58:47,472 --> 00:58:49,472
SHE SQUEALS AND LAUGHS
1072
00:58:53,472 --> 00:58:55,472
Oh, Charley!
1073
00:58:56,672 --> 00:58:59,471
Hello.
Look at you!
1074
00:58:59,472 --> 00:59:01,671
You didn't...
You didn't kill him, did you?
1075
00:59:01,672 --> 00:59:04,472
No, no. I just...
1076
00:59:05,992 --> 00:59:07,472
I walked in his shoes.
1077
00:59:08,672 --> 00:59:10,471
Oh, they love you, by the way.
1078
00:59:10,472 --> 00:59:14,311
Well, Mum does. Dad'll catch up.
1079
00:59:14,312 --> 00:59:15,512
Hello!
SHE GIGGLES
1080
00:59:21,472 --> 00:59:24,471
Ah...
You know what we should do?
1081
00:59:24,472 --> 00:59:26,471
Yes!
1082
00:59:26,472 --> 00:59:28,471
Yeah, this is as good a place
as any.
1083
00:59:28,472 --> 00:59:30,472
No, no!
1084
00:59:32,472 --> 00:59:33,832
Get married.
1085
00:59:46,472 --> 00:59:49,312
Oh, my...
SHE GIGGLES
1086
00:59:50,472 --> 00:59:53,152
Charley, Charley,
I need your answer!
1087
00:59:57,472 --> 00:59:59,471
Yes.
1088
00:59:59,472 --> 01:00:01,472
Yes!
1089
01:00:03,472 --> 01:00:04,472
Yes.
1090
01:00:04,473 --> 01:00:06,472
Yes! Yes!
1091
01:00:14,472 --> 01:00:16,152
Mum, Dad...
1092
01:00:17,472 --> 01:00:19,312
we're getting married!
1093
01:00:20,472 --> 01:00:22,152
What took you so long?
1094
01:00:24,472 --> 01:00:27,472
Oh!
Come here!
1095
01:00:29,472 --> 01:00:31,472
Mum, Dad!
1096
01:00:32,832 --> 01:00:35,472
Charley and me are getting married.
1097
01:00:36,472 --> 01:00:38,471
Fine by us.
Yeah, yeah.
1098
01:00:38,472 --> 01:00:40,472
But I'm not sure
Charley's mum and dad will like it.
1099
01:00:40,472 --> 01:00:42,472
No, they love it.
1100
01:00:43,472 --> 01:00:45,831
Really? Oh!
1101
01:00:45,832 --> 01:00:48,472
Oh, Ma, I'm so happy.
1102
01:00:49,472 --> 01:00:51,471
Can I apologise?
1103
01:00:51,472 --> 01:00:53,471
No, you can't.
1104
01:00:53,472 --> 01:00:55,472
You know why? You're family now.
1105
01:00:56,472 --> 01:00:59,471
And talking of family...
Come here, you!
1106
01:00:59,472 --> 01:01:00,831
Bloody kids.
Yeah!
1107
01:01:00,832 --> 01:01:02,471
Ruin Christmas, don't they?
1108
01:01:02,472 --> 01:01:04,151
Brilliant.
1109
01:01:04,152 --> 01:01:06,312
Welcome to the family.
Thank you.
1110
01:01:08,472 --> 01:01:10,152
Brilliant, eh?
1111
01:01:11,472 --> 01:01:14,472
I'm off to retrieve
young Roy's stolen picking's.
1112
01:01:18,472 --> 01:01:24,472
Norma? We're not leaving
until my face stops throbbing.
1113
01:01:45,472 --> 01:01:46,991
Ginnika, Sylvester,
1114
01:01:46,992 --> 01:01:49,151
something to warm your cockles
of your heart.
1115
01:01:49,152 --> 01:01:51,471
SHE CHUCKLES Thanks, Ma.
1116
01:01:51,472 --> 01:01:53,472
Thank you, Ma.
Yes.
1117
01:01:55,472 --> 01:01:57,471
Your Reverency.
1118
01:01:57,472 --> 01:01:59,151
Biscuit or something?
1119
01:01:59,152 --> 01:02:02,471
You never say no. Alec, Norma?
1120
01:02:02,472 --> 01:02:03,472
Hair of the dog!
1121
01:02:06,472 --> 01:02:09,471
Brigadier? Ah, we could all do with
a little refreshment.
1122
01:02:09,472 --> 01:02:11,472
Pop!
1123
01:02:18,312 --> 01:02:19,992
Merry Christmas, Pop!
1124
01:02:24,472 --> 01:02:26,471
There you go.
1125
01:02:26,472 --> 01:02:28,991
Ho, ho, bloody ho, everyone.
1126
01:02:28,992 --> 01:02:30,472
I bring you gifts.
1127
01:02:32,312 --> 01:02:33,471
It's all your own stuff,
1128
01:02:33,472 --> 01:02:36,831
but you'll be glad
to get it back anyway.
1129
01:02:36,832 --> 01:02:38,471
What? Oh!
1130
01:02:38,472 --> 01:02:39,472
Edith.
1131
01:02:43,472 --> 01:02:46,471
SHE KEEPS KISSING
1132
01:02:46,472 --> 01:02:48,471
You do a lovely pucker, Edith,
you really do.
1133
01:02:48,472 --> 01:02:50,472
Right, let's see what else
I've got in my sack, eh?
1134
01:02:50,472 --> 01:02:53,471
Where did you find the swag,
Mr Larkin?
1135
01:02:53,472 --> 01:02:55,471
The brave and courageous PC Harness
1136
01:02:55,472 --> 01:02:58,671
tracked it down
to Alec Norman's shed.
1137
01:02:58,672 --> 01:03:01,511
I did?
Yes, you did.
1138
01:03:01,512 --> 01:03:03,831
I did! I did.
1139
01:03:03,832 --> 01:03:06,471
All right, I'll keep you on.
1140
01:03:06,472 --> 01:03:08,991
I knew it.
What?! No!
1141
01:03:08,992 --> 01:03:10,471
That makes total sense.
1142
01:03:10,472 --> 01:03:12,471
You do hate most people, Alec.
1143
01:03:12,472 --> 01:03:15,991
No, I love people! They're super.
1144
01:03:15,992 --> 01:03:17,991
Well,
seeing as it's Christmas, Alec,
1145
01:03:17,992 --> 01:03:21,472
if you beg, maybe the law
will let you off with a warning.
1146
01:03:22,472 --> 01:03:24,471
And next,
out of Father Christmas' sack,
1147
01:03:24,472 --> 01:03:27,471
maestro, this must be yours.
1148
01:03:27,472 --> 01:03:28,671
My Hamlet.
1149
01:03:28,672 --> 01:03:32,472
Oh, my darling, here I am again.
A man of infinite jest.
1150
01:03:34,312 --> 01:03:35,471
General.
1151
01:03:35,472 --> 01:03:37,311
My revolver!
1152
01:03:37,312 --> 01:03:40,151
Oh, wow!
We were robbed too?
1153
01:03:40,152 --> 01:03:42,472
We really must keep a tidier house.
1154
01:03:46,472 --> 01:03:51,471
Mariette, congratulations
on your engagement at last!
1155
01:03:51,472 --> 01:03:53,471
Oh, thank you, Pauline.
1156
01:03:53,472 --> 01:03:56,471
And you, on finding yourself
a nice policeman!
1157
01:03:56,472 --> 01:03:57,472
Hm!
1158
01:03:57,473 --> 01:04:00,472
It will never last.
I give it a week.
1159
01:04:03,472 --> 01:04:05,471
Why are you blubbing?
1160
01:04:05,472 --> 01:04:08,471
It's just so romantic.
You know, the love and the snow,
1161
01:04:08,472 --> 01:04:11,471
two very culturally different
families joining as one.
1162
01:04:11,472 --> 01:04:13,471
Have you been drinking, dafty?
1163
01:04:13,472 --> 01:04:15,471
I had a sherry, yes.
1164
01:04:15,472 --> 01:04:17,471
And a baby yesterday.
1165
01:04:17,472 --> 01:04:18,992
MA CHUCKLES
1166
01:04:22,472 --> 01:04:24,472
Thanks, Ma.
1167
01:04:27,472 --> 01:04:28,473
Merry Christmas, everyone.
1168
01:04:28,473 --> 01:04:30,472
ALL: Merry Christmas!
1169
01:04:39,472 --> 01:04:41,472
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1170
01:04:41,522 --> 01:04:46,072
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