All language subtitles for 2The Hauntikkeed Hotel - 2021.eng

[MUSIC - "POMP
AND CIRCUMSTANCE"]

-Thank you very much.

-Are you ready, sir?

-My dear, have you decided
what you'll have for dinner?

-Yes, I have.

I'll start off with escargot
Marseilles with Chablis, 1964.

Then cracked crab with mustard
sauce, Manhattan clam chowder,

Caesar salad for two,
don't forget the anchovies,

Chateau Briand, blood rare, with
Escala potatoes a la Pierre,

vegetables en garni, of course
with that a bottle of Margot

'57, asparagus tips,
hollandaise sauce supreme,

fettuccine Alfredo, a magnum
of Piper Heidsieck champagne,

five star, 1961--

--61.

-And of course don't
forget the caviar.

For dessert, I want baked
Alaska, cherries jubilee,

chocolate mousse,
strawberries teddy,

and a demitasse of Irish coffee.

-My dear, tell me, do you
eat this well at home.

-Well, no.

But then again, at home,
nobody wants to fuck me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Good morning, Mr. Perkins.

-Morning, Mr. Winton.

Good morning, Mr. Sullivan.

-Jerry, how are you?

-Ah, Dr. Coswell.

-Good morning.

-That hat becomes you.

-Oh, thank you.

-It's a pleasure having
you on the committee again.

-The pleasure is mine, Jerome.

-I'm sure I don't
have to remind you

of the importance
of our being here.

We must go over thoroughly
each and every file

submitted by our investigators.

Then when we have
cast our ballots,

the world will soon know the
winners of the World Sex Award.

-Here, here.

-And now if we're
ready to begin--

we have 10 areas for
our consideration.

Preliminary approach,
truth, consistency, emotion,

appearance, timing,
interplay-- as opposed

to foreplay-- pace, commitment,
and overall performance.

Observe the following
representative scenes

very closely.

The dignity of the
World Sex Awards

depend on your judgement.

FEMALE SPEAKER
(OFFSCREEN): Help!

Oh, honey, come help me.

I'm stuck.

Oh, it's no use.

I'm stuck.

-Dummy, I told you not
to use the bathroom.

I just got through
shellacking the toilet seat.

-Oh, well, it's too late now.

I'm stuck.

Do something.

-All right, I'm going
to run upstairs,

and I'm going to call
the rescue squad.

Now, they'll be here
in a few minutes,

and they'll get you out.

-OK.

-Now, don't panic.

I'll be right back.

-All right.

-Operator, give me
the rescue squad.

And for god's sakes, hurry.

[SIRENS]

-Thank God you're here.

-Don't worry about
a thing, buddy.

Everything's gonna be OK.

Now, where's the wife?

-She's right down here.

Come on.

Wait a minute.

OK, the rescue guys are here.

They'll get you off in a minute.

Now, I'll go get them.

-Wait, wait.

Give me something
to cover up with.

-Something to-- here.

OK, come on.

Well?

Come on, come on.

-We can save your wife, mister,
but the cowboy's a goner.

-I just don't believe it.

That Nurse Soames has
got to be the most

incompetent nurse
I have ever seen.

Just look at how she
screwed up these reports.

How in the hell did she
ever get to be a nurse?

-Simple.

Her father is chief of staff of
surgery at the hospital here.

[SCREAMING]

-Damn it, Nurse Soames.

I told you to prick his boil.

FEMALE SPEAKER
(OFFSCREEN): Help!

Help!

Help!

-Hey, hey, hey--
what's going on here?

Hey lady, what the--

-Oh my god.

Thank heavens you're here.

I thought no one
would ever come--

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, you're gonna
be OK now, lady.

You're gonna be OK.

Tell me what happened.

-Well, this morning, my husband
came home from work early,

and he caught me
with my boyfriend.

And he shot him.

Then he beat me up, ripped off
my clothes, and threw me out.

Oh, and then this
motorcycle gang came along.

And one of them had a sidecar.

And they forced me in it
and dragged me way out here

and tied me up like this.

All 17 of them raped me and left
me out here all alone to die.

-Aw, gee, lady.

This looks like it just
ain't gonna your day.

-Three, please.

-Ball room, please.

-Sorry.

Didn't realize I
was crowding you.

-Dolores, now that
we're married,

I think it's time to get
to know each other directly

and without shame.

Now, do you know what this is?

-Well, that's a wee-wee.

-No, no, my dear, sweet Dolores.

That is not a wee-wee.

From now on, we shall
call this a prick.

-Oh, come on, Arnold.

I've seen lots of pricks, and
that is definitely a wee-wee.

-What the hell do you
think you're doing?

-I'm sleeping on the couch.

-Are you kidding?

This is our wedding night,
and there are certain duties

that a husband must perform.

-Oh no, not me.

My mother told me that you
women have teeth down there.

So I'm sleeping on the couch
to avoid pain and injury.

-Teeth?

Why, that's the most
ridiculous and asinine thing

I've ever heard.

Now, you listen to me.

I've been waiting 27
years for this night,

and I'm not going
to let you spoil it.

So you get in that
bedroom right now.

You've got work to do.

-Oh no, I'm not.

I know you've got
teeth down there,

and you're not going to
convince me otherwise.

So there.

-OK, stupid.

Take a look at that.

Now, do you see any
teeth down there?

-Are you kidding?

With gums like that?

[COUGHING]

-What is it, my son?

Tell me.

Here, my son.

Write don't your last
words to your beloved wife.

Go ahead, write them for her.

She's hurrying here now,
but I'm afraid-- I'll

make sure that she gets it.

-Oh, no.

Father, is he--

-Yes, my child.

He's at peace now.

But his last
thoughts were of you.

Here, my darling.

-Oh!

-Get your fucking foot
off the oxygen hose?

-And so, ladies and
gentlemen, I hope that

here in this sex clinic,
ladies and gentlemen,

you will learn the solution
to your particular problem.

Now, you should feel free to
ask any question on any subject,

whether it concerns
impotence or penis envy

complex or nymphomania
or fellatio compulsion,

or any of those good things.

-(LISPING) Doctor, I
really have a problem.

For me, sex is just
a pain in the ass.

-And you, sir, do
you talk to your wife

while you're having sex?

-Yes, if I happen to
be near the phone.

-Tomorrow's your
birthday, my sweet,

and I don't know
what to get you.

You've got
everything, of course.

-Well, surely there
must be something.

-By Jove, I think I've got it.

I'll get you a monkey.

-A monkey?

What on earth am I going
to do with a monkey?

-Well, you don't
own one, do you?

-No, I don't.

But where will the
poor beast eat?

-Why, in the dining
room with us, of course.

-What about its quarters?

Where will the beast sleep?

-Why, in the bed.

It could sleep with us.

-Really?

In the same bed?

Think of that terrible,
obnoxious odor.

The stench.

The smell will be awful.

--I got used to it.

The monkey will get used to it.

-Now, how can you tell
her that your best man

went and slammed your
shlong in a door?

And then-- well, then I
had to go to a hospital,

put the thing in a sling.

Oh, it was-- no,
how can I tell her?

She's waited her whole
life for this night.

All right.

Thanks.

Thanks, doctor.

Bye bye.

-Darling?

I'm ready.

No man has ever
touched these before.

And no man has ever
seen this jewel.

It's all yours.

-Well, that ain't
nothing, honey.

Look at this.

It's still in the
original crate.

FEMALE SPEAKER
(OFFSCREEN): Stop.

Please, mister.

Please, stop.

-Yes, ma'am.

Can I help you?

-Yes.

There's something
you could do for me.

-Now, wait a minute.

Now, don't get excited
with that thing.

I'll give you all my money.

-Don't want your money, sonny.

-Well, what is it you do want?

I'll do anything you say.

Just don't shoot.

-I want you to jack off.

-Jack off?

In the middle of Interstate 39?

-Got it right, sport.

Now, get going.

-OK, lady.

I hope you're satisfied.

Can I get out of here now?

-Nope, sonny.

Beat it again.

-Oh lady, have a heart.

OK, you're the boss.

-Whip it again, buster, or
I'll blow your brains out.

Sonny, that was a
pretty good one.

Now, let's whip it again.

-Lady, I don't care
if you shoot me.

I don't care if you kill me.

I couldn't raise another hard
on no matter what you do.

-That's just what
I wanted to hear.

You could come
out now, Mary Lou.

This nice man's gonna
give you a ride to Fresno.

-Thank you.

-You know, I've noticed
you in here before

and I-- I really think
you're beautiful.

-Thank you.

-You know, I've been
noticing you quite a bit.

I was just wondering
if-- well, maybe you'd

like to come home
and meet my parents.

-How dare you?

You beast!

-I guess a blowjob would
be out of the question.

-You know, my wife's
acting weird again--

jumpy and twitchy, nervous all
the time, a real mental case.

-It sounds like she
just needs a rest.

Are you gonna send her to
Palm Springs this year?

-No.

I think I'll just
fuck her myself.

-Oh.

-Yes, brothers and
sisters, I have sinned.

I have lain in the
arms of many men.

I've drunk gin.

I've smoked.

Night after night, I've
caroused and gambled

on our youth and
future happiness.

Entire weekends I
would spend at drunken

orgies and wild parties.

But I've changed.

Look at me now!

Converted!

[CHEERING]

-Now you see how I
spend my weekends.

I spend my weekends standing
on this corner just beating

this motherfucking drum!

-All right, now let's
great our next contestant

on "The Amateur Hour."

From Hannah, Missouri,
Mr. Lionel Schlemmer.

[APPLAUSE]

-Welcome to the show, Lionel.

-Thank you.

Thank-- thank you
very much, Mr. um--

-Tack.

Mr. Tack.

-Tack.

-Just a little nervous,
aren't you, Lionel?

Well, tell me,
Lionel, what do you

plan to do with the
prize money if you happen

to win our talent
contest tonight?

-Well, I plan to use it to
have a hernia operation.

HOST (OFFSCREEN):
A hernia operation?

All right now, Lionel, you
just take your place, OK,

and we'll be with you
in just a moment, OK?

Now, ladies and
gentlemen, stepping

into "The Amateur Hour"
spotlight, from Hannah,

Missouri, Mr. Lionel Schlemmer
singing and dancing to "Dixie."

[PIANO PLAYING]

-(GROANING) I wish I
was-- oh god-- oh--

-Boy, 25 years in prison.

That's a long time.

I'll bet you it
was rough on you.

-Yeah.

It taught me a lesson.

Believe me, I'm never going
back to that hellhole again.

-I don't blame you.

-Hey, what the hell's
your problem, man?

I mean, since I
walked in this place,

you've been eyeballing me.

Like, what's your problem?

-I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to stare
at you like that.

You see, I just
got out of prison.

I did 25 years for
raping a buffalo.

I thought for a minute
there you might be my son.

-You know, being
married to Harry

is really rough on a girl.

If his penis was a half an inch
longer, I couldn't stand it.

-Me neither.

-Hey, Patrick.

I haven't seen you
in a long time.

-Yeah.

Let me have a beer
will, will you?

-Hey listen, uh, how's the wife?

-Oh, you didn't hear?

She died last week.

Gonorrhea.

Strangled to death.

-Gee, that's too bad.

Hey, wait a minute, people
don't strangle to death

when they have gonorrhea.

-Oh, they do when
they give it to me.

-Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is Hilton Bank,
your "WWA" emcee.

I'd like to welcome
you this afternoon

to "Wide World of Athletics."

This afternoon, we
have the privilege

of interviewing the lovely wife
of all-star pro golfer Mike

Birdie.

How are you today, Mrs. Birdie?

-I'm fin, Hilton.

It's-- it's a great and sacred
pleasure to be on your show.

-Well, thank you, Mrs. Birdie.

Let me ask you a question.

Before a big
tournament, is there

some special thing that
you do for your husband?

-Oh, I usually rub his balls.

-How, uh-- how, uh--
does this seem to help?

-Oh, it straightens
out his putts.

-You see, we talked
about various techniques,

but today I should like
to take a survey, on how

many different
positions you folks know

for sexual intercourse.

-Two.

-Two, yes.

-Seven.

-76.

-76?

We get all the nuts in here.

-11.

-11?

-Three.

-Doctor, I only know just one.

DOCTOR (OFFSCREEN): And
which one is that, my dear?

-Oh, that's, um--
that's when the man gets

on top of the woman and
he sticks his thing in.

-77!

-Let me see, three
children and you've

been married 6 and 1/2
years, is that correct?

-That's right, doctor.

-Do you ever use Vaseline
for sexual purposes?

-Oh, very often.

Doesn't everyone?

-Very good.

And, uh, where do you apply it?

-On the bedroom
doorknob, of course.

-Bedroom doorknob?

Why there?

-It keeps the kids from
coming into the room

while we're screwing.

[LAUGHTER]

-And you, sir, do you
cheat on your wife?

-Who else?

-Doctor, my husband
thinks I'm frigid

just because I detest sex.

Isn't that ridiculous?

-See what I mean?

This broad's driving me nuts.

-What do you mean
I'm driving you nuts?

Why, you're the most
despicable bastard--

-Please, let's not
have any arguments.

We're only here to help.

-Sorry, doc.

-All right, now let's
get on with this.

How many children do you have?

-We have three children.

-All by rape.

-Why don't you go fuck yourself?

-78!

[COCKTAIL PIANO]

-Kid, you're sensational.

Baby, Lou Lassfinger,
talent agent.

That's the greatest
melody I've ever heard.

-Thank you.

It's an original.

I write all my own tunes.

-You write all your own stuff?

Just what I'm looking for.

With songs like that, I can
get you booked at the Palace.

Who's your publisher?

-I don't have any.

-Publishers want
nothing to do with me.

-You're putting me on, kid.

You're talking to
Lou baby now, huh?

Your songs are great.

You could sell millions.

Why won't the
publishers talk to you?

-I don't know.

They say it's my titles.

-Titles?

Well, what's the name of
the song you're playing now?

-Well, this happens to
be one of my favorites.

It's called, "I Love You So
Fucking Much, I Could Shit."

-Peaches, pears, peaches,
pears, peaches, pears.

-Hey, peddler.

Have you got a minute?

Come on, I want to talk to you.

I'd like to buy some peaches.

-Oh, surely, dear.

I got plenty, nice,
fresh peaches.

-But tell me, are they
nice and big, like these?

-Yes.

-And are they nice
and round, like these?

And are they nice
and firm, like these?

[SOBBING]

-What's wrong?

-Lady, I'll tell
you what's wrong.

Today my house burned down.

I lost all my money
at the racetrack.

My wife ran away
with my best friend.

My car was repossessed.

And now I'm going to get
fucked out of my peaches.

-Wow.

-What a shame.

-Serves him right.

-People, a little less
noise and more work.

-Sorry, Jerry.

JERRY (OFFSCREEN): This is one
of our local sporting houses

that has been having some
financial difficulties lately.

-And don't come back till your
mother gives you some Money,

degenerate.

Oh.

(SINGING) Bills, bills, bills!

[PIANO ARPEGGIO]

-I haven't seen a ceiling
since last winter.

-It's been so long I
can't remember when.

-If business doesn't
pick up very shortly--

-I'm afraid we'll all
be virgins once again.

-Oh, God forbid!

-Now, it's time we must
examine all our methods.

Now it's time we must
adapt to something new.

In order to get back
our former patrons,

it's obvious there's
one thing we must do.

-We've got to get
back on our backs.

We've got to get out of the red.

-Instead of enjoyment--

-We face unemployment.

-We've got to get back into bed.

We've got to get
back on our backs.

And get those men on the street.

-On Carte Blanche or Diner's--

-We don't need cosigners.

-We've got to get
back in the sheets.

We've got to get
back on our backs.

Our beauty is starting to wilt.

-We can be passionate.

-If there's any cash in it.

-We've got to get
back in the quilt.

-My creditors are tired
of all my begging.

My girls are ready
for the auction block.

The Welfare office turns
me down each Wednesday.

Heh.

Last week, I put my
diaphragm in hock.

-We've got to get
back on our backs

and get all that
business we lack.

-We're sad and forlorn-y.

-Guys, we're so horny.

-We gotta get back in the sack.

We've got to get
back on our backs

and strike while
the iron is hot.

-Come on, you big kippers.

-Unzip those zippers.

-We gotta get back in the cot.

We've got to get
back on our backs.

We're not here to
strengthen our minds.

-If you're looking
for virginity--

-You're in the wrong vicinity.

-We've got to get
on our behinds.

-So in order to solve
all our problems,

a franchise that we knew
would be just right,

we started our own
take-out service,

and we called it,
yes, Quickie Delight.

-Quickie Delight, Quickie
Delight, all the kids

are looking for sex tonight.

Give us a ring.

We promise to bring
all the love you want,

and your libido will swing.

[RINGING]

-Good evening, Quickie Delight.

Yes, sir.

Two blondes and a
re-head, coming right up.

[RINGING]

-Good evening, Quickie Delight.

No, sir.

It doesn't matter how
far away you live,

it'll be hot when it gets there.

[RINGING]

-Good evening, Quickie Delight.

Yes, sir.

Oh, is that to go?

Or will you eat it here?

-Now, no more credit
are we going to extend.

Pay later has come to an end.

All you chicks, if
they want their kicks,

money has to be our only friend.

We're gonna get lots of new
johns and turn them all on

and make ourselves bread.

In God we trust,
all others pay cash.

Let's get back in that bed.

-And there's no waiting.

-Get back in that bed.

-Nothing but feeling.

-You know you belong in bed!

-Well, things are looking up
for those lovely young ladies.

-Oh, but with this
inflation, I don't

know how they'll make ends meet.

-Virtue's its own reward.

-Virtue?

[CHUCKLING]

-Malcolm, look at this next one.

It's up your alley.

-Up yours.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Gee,
you're a little dry tonight.

-Well, move up a
little, schmuck.

You're eating the sheet.

-You know, this
wife-swapping business

wasn't such a bad idea.

-I only hope our wives are
hitting it off this well.

-Welcome to that famous
TV show, the show that

loves to give away
money, "TV Jackpot!"

[APPLAUSE]

-Thank you, thank you.

All right, now, let's
meet our next contestant,

from Wedlock, Oklahoma,
Miss Marion Cleavage.

[APPLAUSE]

-Welcome.

Welcome to the show, Marion.

-Thank you, thank you.

-You don't mind if
I call you Marion?

-Oh no, not at all.

-Cleavage sounds so
formal, don't you think?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

-Now, that's a very interesting
town you've come from.

Tell me, were you
born in Wedlock?

-Oh no, I was born
outside of wedlock.

-Ah!

Oh, that's very good, Marion.

Now, you know how to
play the game, don't you?

-Oh, yes.

-All right, well, then
let's play TV Jackpot.

OK, for $50, Marion,
who was the first man?

-Um-- Adam?

-Right, for $50!

All right!

OK, now you have $50.

Do you want to keep that, or do
you want to try and double up?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

-I'll go!

-She wants to go,
ladies and gentlemen.

She wants to double up.

All right.

All right Marion, for $100,
who was the first woman?

-Um, Eve?

-Right, for $100!

All right, Marion.

You're doing very
good, very good.

OK, now, you have $100.

Do you want to quit, or
do you want to double up?

CROWD (OFFSCREEN): Go, Marion.

Go!

-Remember, if you
answer incorrectly,

you lose everything
you have so far.

-Mm, I'll go!

-She wants to go,
ladies and gentlemen.

She wants to double up.

Congratulations.

That's lovely, Marion.

[GIGGLING]

-OK, now for $200,
listen carefully,

what were Eve's
first words to Adam?

-Oh, gosh.

That's a hard one.

-Right, for $200!

-Will the lady for just boarded
the bus, please step forward?

Will the lady who's
reading the Bible

with the flowers on her
hat and the white blouse,

please step forward?

You forgot to pay your fare.

-Lady, pardon me, but I
think he's talking to you.

-Fuck him.

-Is it drafty in here?

-Uh-uh.

Why?

-I think I'm getting
a chest cold.

-Jordan, would you
like a cigarette?

-No, sir.

No, sir.

-Well, give me a light, then.

-Yes, sir.

Sir.

-Thank you, Jordan.

That's fine.

I'll just light it myself.

You know, Jordan, I made
my way up on my own.

My old daddy never
gave me nothing.

But I fought my
way for everything,

and I made my way to the top.

-Yes, sir.

You did.

-It's going to be different
with my daughter, Jordan.

You know, she's my darling,
my angel, my apple of my eye.

She's going to have
the finest, and I

mean the finest,
including college.

-College?

What-- what college you
gonna send her to, boss?

-Why, good old Georgia Tech,
that's what college, boy.

-Georgia Tech?

You must be kidding.

-Huh?

-No one goes there but
football players and whores.

-Well, Jordan,
I'll have you know

that my dear wife
went to Georgia Tech.

-Oh, really?

What position did she play?

-Hey bartender, this guy's
playing with himself.

-Oh, just ignore him.

-I can't.

He's using my hand.

-Oh, man.

Did I tie one on last night.

I went to a wild party,
and I go so smashed

I left my wallet
in the bathroom.

-Do you think you're gonna
go back and look for it?

-Well, I'd like to,
but I was so drunk,

I can't remember
where the house was.

-Oh, come on, you've
got some important IDs

in there and some credit cards.

You're got to
remember something.

Think.

Well, let's see, it was a
house in the neighborhood.

It had a green door with
two bullhorns on it.

And there were red drapes
in the living room.

Oh yeah, in the bedroom
was the wildest thing

you ever saw-- a
gold, metal toilet.

-Well, look, that's
not going to be

too hard to find-- a
green door with bullhorns

and a gold, metal toilet.

Come on, hurry up
and get dressed

and I'll help you find it.

-What the hell do you want?

-Come on, go ahead.

Ask her.

-Uh, did you have a
party here last night?

-Yeah, we did.

What's it to you?

-Do you have a red drape
in your living room?

-Yeah, we do.

So what?

-This might be a
strange question to ask,

but do you have a
gold metal toilet?

-Hey Harry, I just
found the idiot

that crapped in your tuba.

[GAVEL]

-First case, Anabel Carson,
accused of prostitution.

-Your honor, this is a disgrace.

Why, my mother would
turn over in her grave

if she could see her
poor, innocent baby being

accused of prostitution.

-Young lady, you have
seven prior convictions

of prostitution, and that's
just in the last three months.

30 days.

Bailiff, take her away.

[GROANING]

-Next case, Darlene Dorsey,
accused of prostitution.

-What kind of a world
are we living in anyway?

Can't a girl ask a
sailor for a cigarette

without the police
thinking she's a hooker?

Well, I've never
been so embarrassed

or humiliated in all my life.

-Miss Dorsey, you've
had 15 convictions

in the last two months.

-Oh, but your honor,
It's a mistake.

I'm-- I'm the victim of--

[GAVEL]

-60 days.

Bailiff, take her away.

[GROANING]

[GAVEL]

-Next case, Marjorie Pittance,
accused of prostitution.

-Your honor, I am a whore.

I know it's a
lousy thing to say,

but it's the only way I
know to make a living.

Do with me as you want.

My life is worthless.

I have no reason
to go on living.

-My dear, in the 20 years
I've sat on this bench,

you're the first honest
woman to come before me.

And your honesty shall
not go unrewarded.

Case dismissed.

Uh, bailiff, have
a check made out

for $500 from the
policeman's welfare fund,

and give it to this young lady.

Miss Pittance, we
hope that this money

can start you on a new life.

-Next case, Morris
Goldberg, accused

of selling fruit
without a license.

[VIOLINS]

-Your honor, what's
the use of trying

to lie to a learned
man like yourself?

I, too, am a whore.

-Good afternoon, ladies
and gentlemen, this

is Hilton Banks,
your "WWA" announcer.

This afternoon, we are
interviewing former ace Air

Force pilot during
the Second World War

with the RAF, Mr. Sven Svenson.

Now tell me, Mr. Svenson, during
your experiences in the Second

World War with the RAF, what was
the most frightening experience

that you had?

-Well-- well, I was flying
over Germany, all by myself.

Then all of a
sudden, to my right,

there was this German fucker.

And then to my left was
another German fucker.

And then I was
completely surrounded

by all these German fuckers.

-Um, let me explain to
our viewing audience that

the German Fokker,
spelled F-O-K-K-E-R,

was a German plane
flown during the Second

World War by the Luftwaffe.

Now, isn't that
correct, Mr. Svenson?

-Ja.

Ja, but these fuckers
were Messerschmidts.

-Uh, let's go back to
our main studio now.

-OK, Mac.

What'll it be?

-(LISPING) Oh, dear me.

I'd like a glass of milk.

Well, how sweet.

Thank you very much.

My, that was delicious.

Could I trouble you for
another glass of fresh dairy?

Say listen, there aren't
many people in here.

Where is everybody?

-Bunch of guys out back
lynching some queer.

-(GRUFF) No shit!

-Man, things are really tough.

On top of everything
else, my wife's

cut me down to once a week now.

-Oh, man.

That's too bad.

Things could be worse.

-What do you mean?

-I know two guys she
cut off altogether.

-Hey Lou, I saw some
guy trying to screw

your wife the other night.

-Did he succeed?

-No.

-Then it wasn't my wife.

-Two vodka martis.

-Say, honey, I sure would
love to get into your pants.

-Sorry baby, one asshole
in there is enough.

-I'm as amazed as you
are, Mrs. Koufax, but I

sent these tests to
the lab four times,

and each time they come
back positive-- pregnant.

-Are you sure?

But I'm 79, and Morris, my
husband, is 84 years old.

-I'm sorry, but there
can be no doubt about it.

You're pregnant.

-Oh, that lousy bastard.

That no-good son of a bitch.

Oh, wait till I
get-- I'll kill him.

[RINGING]

-Hello?

-Morris, you lousy
sex maniac, you

know you got me pregnant,
you son of a bitch, you?

-Who is this?

-Oh!

-And then you can imagine
my embarrassment, doctor,

when on the night of
our 25th anniversary,

my husband told me I was
really big down there.

DOCTOR (OFFSCREEN): My
goodness, what a large vagina.

My goodness, what
a large vagina.

-Well, that may be
true, doctor, but you

didn't have to say it twice.

-I didn't.

-Well, you're in excellent
shape, Mr. Goldberg.

And I have some very
good news for you.

-Huh?

-I was just talking to the lab.

It's definite.

You do not have VD.

-Oh, thank God.

I was so worried.

I mean, what's it
look like, a man of 74

with a social disease?

Tell me doc, I still
have a drip down there.

If it's not VD, what is it?

-Well, let me ask
you a question.

When were you last with a woman?

-Well, I'm still pretty active,
you know, for a man my age.

-Yes, yes, yes, I'm sure.

But when were you
last with a woman?

-About six weeks ago.

-Well, you better get
right back to her.

You're just now coming.

-Let's see now.

[POUNDING]

-Can't a guy get a
breather around here?

Jesus Christ.

Come on in already.

Come in.

-Hi, Mr. Lassfinger, could
I talk to you for a minute?

-Kid, everybody
wants to talk to me.

I really can't be bothered.

Can't you see I'm busy, huh?

The accountants are coming
first thing in the morning.

I gotta get these
books doctored up.

Beat it, will ya?

-Wait a minute.

I want to break
into show business.

-All right, sit down, kid, huh?

-Thank you.

-Look, everybody
wants the business.

They all want it-- the
lights, the glamour,

the roar of the crowd.

Look kid, showbiz is a jungle.

It's a jungle out there.

They'll tear you apart.

-I want to stay right here
until I get to show you my act.

-You want to show me the act?

OK, show it to me.

Don't take up too
much of my time.

Just show it to
me, then get out.

[MUSIC_-_"SWANEE_RIVER"]

-Wow.

Kid, if that sound's coming
where I think it's coming from,

that's the greatest new act I've
ever seen in my entire life.

It'll make you-- us-- a fortune.

Stay right where you are.

Don't move a muscle.

This is Lou Lassfinger.

Get me the head of the
Morris Agency, and hurry.

[RINGING]

-Yeah, hello?

-Joe?

Lou Lassfinger.

I hate to wake you
up at this time,

but you're just not
going to believe it.

I found the greatest new
act in show business.

It'll make millions.

It's a class act.

I can't believe it.

It's coast-to-coast television.

Performances in England,
London-- it's unbelievable,

all over the world.

-Well, it sounds great.

Was is it?

-Well, it's hard
to explain to you.

You'll have to hear it.

Come on over, kid.

This could be your big chance.

Just give me about
eight bars, baby.

[MUSIC_-_"SWANEE_RIVER"]

-Joe, how'd you like it?

Great, wasn't it?

-Why, you dumb son of a bitch.

You mean, you wake me up in
the middle of the morning just

to hear some asshole
play "Swanee River?"

-Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the Libido
Theatre where tonight,

Omar the Magnificent, one
of the world's great lovers,

will fuck 100
girls consecutively

for your thrilling enjoyment.

-Hey, listen to that crowd.

Just listen to them, kid.

This is the big time, and
it's all for you, Omar-baby.

Do you realize there's
5,000 screaming women

out there that paid $10 apiece.

Do you know how much
money that is, kid?

50,000 clams, and it all
belongs to you and me.

I told you I'd put you on top,
kid, you know what I mean?

Just remember,
watch your timing,

don't knock yourself out
during the preliminaries.

It's in, out, and ADO--
short, quick strokes.

You got it, baby?

Good.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN):
Well, fuck fans,

this is the evening
we've all waited for.

The judges are carefully going
over tonight's ground rules

as the officials
arrive onto our stage.

At bedside, the
referee, Skip Lattimar.

Standing by at all times
will be Dr. Maurice

Golden of the Mayo Clinic.

Official scorekeeper for this
evening's screw-fest, Mr. Harry

Finey.

[BUZZER]

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): There's
the signal from the judges.

And I see that
tonight's challengers

are being led onto the stage.

The referee has removed
the challenger's numbers

as the first competitor
takes her place

on the field of action, anxious
awaiting her crack at Omar,

that master of
penile manipulation.

The Libido Theater proudly
presents the Great Omar.

[BELL RINGING]

-There it is.

Now, get out there and fuck.

-I see Omar is about to
begin, using his famous,

end of the bed mount.

And let the action start.

[SCREAMING]

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): You'll
notice that Omar is now

using the Peruvian warm-up
position, first introduced

by Bartholio Sanchez
at the Barcelona Open.

Ole, Omar.

Ole.

-Put your weight on
your elbows, Omar.

[WHISTLING]

-Watch the knee.

Watch the knee, kicking on two.

-Another pelvic thrust.

Another pelvic thrust.

Omar's going in for the kill.

Contestant number
one is in trouble.

I think he's got her.

The quiet is deafening
as the doctor

examines the first challenger.

It looks like there
might be a decision.

-Orgasm.

-Score!

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN):
The fans are going crazy.

They're going wild at
the Libido Theatre.

-Orgasm.

-Score.

-Orgasm.

-Score.

-Orgasm.

-Score.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN):
And another one.

I've never seen fucking
like this in my life.

-Poking the eye on three.

That's two strokes.

Two strokes.

Two penalty strokes.

Here we go.

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Sock it to her, Omar.

Sock it to her.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): Harder!

Harder!

Harder!

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Keep it up, Omar.

Keep it up.

-And another one.

That Omar is a
one-man gang bang.

REFEREE (OFFSCREEN):
Pumping the organ.

Pumping the organ.

Five strokes.

Five strokes.

LASSFINGER (OFFSCREEN):
Watch out for those tits.

There's too much for you.

Keep it moving.

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):
Do it for me, Omar.

Do it for me.

-Orgasm.

-Score.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN):
It looks like he got her

with the old pelvic thrust,
Montana bounce combo.

Great work, Omar.

Great work.

LASSFINGER (OFFSCREEN):
Come on, Omar.

Give her one for the Gipper.

REFEREE (OFFSCREEN):
Illegal entry, four strokes.

Illegal entry, four strokes.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): It's
a hole in one for Omar.

A hole in one.

Unbelievable.

-Orgasm.

-Score.

Uh-oh, something's wrong,
ladies and gentlemen.

Omar is wobbly.

He's getting weak.

I don't believe it.

Omar's gone limp.

[BELL RINGING]

-Come on, get him up.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): Ladies
and gentlemen, I'm stunned.

I don't believe it.

The Great Omar has petered out.

[BOOING]

-All right, everybody.

Get out of here.

Come on, move it.

Come on, kid.

Come on.

Who am I, kid?

-Mister--

-What's my name, kid?

What's my name?

--Lassfinger.

What happened?

-What happened?

What do you mean, what
happened, you big, dumb faggot?

You passed out, dead away.

That's what happened.

You blew $50,000, you creep.

Those dames out
there paid $10 a pop

to watch you blow 100
broads, and what do you do?

You screw 64 of them,
and then you pass out.

What the hell's wrong with you?

-I don't understand how
this could have happened.

I did all right this
afternoon in rehearsal.

-Thank you.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

Your applause is
deeply appreciated.

Now, as you know,
any ventriloquist

can make a dummy talk,
but believe it or not,

the star of this
here county fair, me,

will make these animals talk
on my next show, one by one.

Believe it or not,
these animals will talk.

So you all come back in a half
an hour for the next show,

and I promise you that you will
hear these animals say things

that you only want
to hear them say.

So you all come
back now and have

a good time around the fair.

[APPLAUSE]

-Thank you.

Thank you very much.

-Say, Mr. Ventriloquist.

-Yes, my good man.

What can I do for you?

-Can you really make
all them animals talk?

-Absolutely and most definitely.

-If that sheep on the end
say anything about me,

it's a damn lie.

-Honey, I was at
the doctor today,

and he said I had
a beautiful body.

-Yeah?

Well, did he say anything
about your fat ass?

-No.

Your name was never mentioned.

-Darling, look what I got
you for your birthday.

OK, where is he?

-Please, I haven't
finished voting yet.

[BELCH]

-Cleanliness is
next to godliness.

William Shakespeare.

-Fuck you.

Lenny Bruce.

-Hey Joe, you like the women
with the big breasts, huh?

-No, no.

-You like the women
with the big ass?

-Nah.

-You like the women
with the big opening?

-Nah.

Nah.

-Then how come you've
been screwing my wife?

-You ready?

We don't have much time.

We got a big party coming
here in 15 minutes,

and my wife's going
to be here at 3:30.

For god's sake, hurry up.

-My girdle?

When did you start
wearing my girdle?

-Since my wife found it in the
glove compartment of my car.

[SIRENS]

[FIRE ALARM]

-Say, say-- say, fellow,
did you see a blonde

running down the hall
all completely naked?

-No, we haven't, pops.

-Well, if you do,
you might as well

bang her because
she's all paid for.

[HONKING]

-Totally sorry, old man, but
I shall insist that you--

you back up.

You see-- you see, the
occupant of this limousine

is none other than Lady
Edward Targington Price,

the Duchess of Kenworth, sister
to the Baroness du Marco,

a member of Her Royal Majesty,
the Queen's, first privvy

council, third cousin to
Sir Archibald Fansworth,

the Duke of Tuscany,
and sixth in succession

to the crown of Edward IV.

-What do you think I have
in here, a bag of shit?

-Peaches, pears.

Peaches, pears.

-Hey, Mr. Peddlar,
come up here a minute.

I've got some business I
want to discuss with you.

I've been watching you push
your cart down the street,

and I must say, you
arouse a desire in me.

I'll tell you what, if you
can take me into the bedroom

and sexually satisfy
me, I'll give you

this brand new, $5 bill.

What do you say?

-Why not?

Business is business.

Peaches, pears, porking.

Peaches, pears, porking.

BIG AL (ON RADIO): Hey, cats
and kitties, it's Big Al.

That's right, Big Al,
right here on groovy radio,

KCOK, K-cock, on
far out channel 69.

And right now, let's get it
on with that new superstar

dynamite Hebrew
band, The Foreskins.

Rock and roll!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-I don't know about
you, but I'm getting

tired of waiting
around for Big Al.

That creep'll never show.

-Don't call Big Al a creep.

He's my most favorite disc
jockey in the whole world.

I love Big Al, and I'll
wait here for him forever.

-Well, not me.

I'm leaving.

Call me tomorrow.

-Oh, Big Al!

Big Al!

I love you, Big Al.

I love you.

You're my most favorite
DJ in the whole world.

I love you, Big Al.

I love you.

-Of course you do, sweetheart.

-I listen to your
show every day.

I've never missed it.

Oh-- oh, Big Al, I love you.

I love you.

-That's right, darling.

-I'll do anything in the
world for you, Big Al.

Anything.

-Of course you will.

Anything?

-Anything.

Anything, Big Al.

You name it.

I just can't believe
that I'm really here.

I-- I can't believe that I'm
really sitting next to Big Al.

-You want to make Big Al
happy, don't you, dear?

-Oh yes, Big Al.

Anything.

Anything.

-Now, you know what to do
with this, don't you, dear?

-Oh, you bet I do, Big Al.

Hi, my name's
Cindy, and I'd like

to dedicate this next
record to all friends down

at Chris' Malt Shop.

And Jamie and Suzy and
my boyfriend, Jon--

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN):
And now, ladies

and gentlemen, the
star of tonight's show,

Mr. Pat McCormick.

[APPLAUSE]

-On behalf of the World Society
of Sexual Arts and Science,

I would like to welcome you
on this momentous occasion.

As you know, these
coveted awards

are presented in recognition of
those outstanding individuals

who throughout the past year
have brought honor, dignity,

and respectability to the
wonderful world of sex.

[APPLAUSE]

-Just think, before
this night is over,

each one of these
gold Dildies will

rest in the hands of those
few, deserving people who

were carefully selected by our
distinguished board of judges.

[APPLAUSE]

-Thank you.

Now, the Watergate
Security Systems

have tabulated the ballots
and sealed the results

in special envelopes.

And here to represent that firm
tonight is Mr. Lionel Travers.

[APPLAUSE]

-The first award of
the evening is probably

one of the most important
and sought after honors

of the night, mainly because
of the high standards required

in the areas of stamina,
enthusiasm, courage,

and of course attitude.

The nominees for Best
Lay of the Year are--

[DRUM ROLL]

-Faith Carruthers,
Tucson, Arizona.

Margaret Miller,
Twentynine Palms.

Irene Randall, Baton
Rouge, Louisiana.

Helen Duvall, Skokie, Illinois.

Sheila Kramer,
Racine, Wisconsin.

The envelope, please.

And the winner is Irene Randall.

[APPLAUSE]

-Oh, thank you.

Thank you, everybody, so much.

This is the happiest
night of my whole life.

[GIGGLING] I mean,
it's so hard to believe

that I'm even here
at all tonight.

Two years ago,
after my accident,

they said I'd never fuck again.

But with the help of so many
generous and wonderful people,

I was able to get
back on my back.

I'd like to thank them--
my mom and my dad.

I also want to thank
the Flying Zambini

Brothers and the 23rd Army
Division of Fort Knox,

Kentucky, the Michigan
State Marching Band, and all

those wonderful, wonderful
guys who never left their name.

Thank you.

Love you.

[APPLAUSE]

-The winner of the
Best Solo Performance

of the Year, a man who
personally will attend the John

Wayne vasectomy next
month, Mr. Junior Loman.

[APPLAUSE]

-Great job.

I know it must have
been hard for you.

There you are, Junior.

[APPLAUSE]

-Well, the moment
we've all waited for

is now at hand, the
Interspecies Award.

It is given to the
deserving couple

who have shown the
most compatibility

and responsiveness to each
other during the past year.

Now please watch the monitors.

The nominees are--

[DRUM ROLL]

-Elmer Brown and Clara
Bell, New York City.

Linda Wayne and Rex,
Encino, California.

Gordon Lamont and Morningstar,
Key Biscayne, Florida.

And the winner-- the winner
is Elmer and Clara Bell.

[APPLAUSE]

-Elmer, congratulation.

Clara Bell, congratulations.

Wonderful couple.

Let's hear it for
this wonderful couple.

I think the cow is from Ohio.

It's got a little
O under its tail.

Uh, I also have another
surprise for you, Elmer.

The mayor of the city has
given your wife permission

to shit in the street.

[LAUGHTER]

-And now, the award
for the Best Dramatic

Performance for Male or
Female in a Bedroom Situation.

And the nominees are
Miss Roberta Kenyon,

I'm saving it for my wedding
night, Denver, Colorado.

Mr. Harrison Marks,
do it to me, and I

promise I'll do it to you,
Beverly Hills, California.

Mrs. Marcia Kaplan, not tonight,
Harry, I've got a headache,

Oak Park, Michigan.

Mr. Mark Sterling, all I want to
do is touch it, Eugene, Oregon.

Miss Charity LaRue, I'm
not that kind of a girl,

Lake Placid, New York.

And Montague Corrigan,
I'll only put it

in a little bit, Palm
Springs, California.

Envelope, please.

The winner is Montague
Corrigan, I'll

only put it in a little bit.

[APPLAUSE]

-And now, as we come to
the climax of tonight's

festivities, it gives me
intense pride and pleasure

to introduce the star of stage,
screen, radio, and television,

a man who will sing the Song of
the Year, Mr. Keith Brizelle.

[APPLAUSE]

-Maestro, if you please.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-(SINGING) In all of life,
there are some fleeting moments.

Love is one of those
that we can share.

Banish all your woes
and all your heartaches.

Be happy with the ones
for whom you care.

Money will never answer
all your problems.

Happiness is just
a state of mind.

Only friends will stick
when there are troubles.

When they need help,
try only to be kind.

So don't fuck around
with love, baby.

Don't fuck around with love.

Even Adam had him from
the start a good time.

The apple was delicious,
but it tasted like lime.

Remember, don't fuck
around with love, baby.

Don't fuck around with love.

Noah had a ball just
sailing his ark,

Cupid was known for
never missing his mark,

Matthew had a lover,
and his name was Clark.

Don't fuck around with love.

-Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

-Don't fuck around
with love, baby.

Don't fuck around with love.

Samson and Delilah
had a great affair.

Once he did her wrong,
she cut off his hair.

So don't fuck around
with love, baby.

Don't fuck around with love.

Birds and bees and flowers
bloom in the spring.

And everyone swing.

Do it more than twice, and
baby, you are the king.

Don't fuck around with love.

-Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

-Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

-Don't fuck around
with love, baby.

Don't fuck around with love.

The moral of the story
is be true to your own.

Always remember your
fathers themselves.

So don't fuck around
with love, baby.

Don't fuck around with love.

Fish in the water,
they'll always be caught.

A bird in the bush
is better than not.

Happiness is something
that cannot be bought.

Don't fuck around
with, don't fuck around

with don't fuck
around with love!