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1
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- "Will and Grace is recorded
2
00:00:05,396 --> 00:00:07,268
in front of
a live studio audience.
3
00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:10,619
- Hi, thank you for coming.
4
00:00:10,662 --> 00:00:12,795
I'm Grace Adler...
I live in the building...
5
00:00:12,838 --> 00:00:14,362
and I'm running for President
6
00:00:14,405 --> 00:00:16,233
of the New York Society
for Interior Designers.
7
00:00:16,277 --> 00:00:18,627
I actually just redecorated
this lobby.
8
00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:21,064
What's your name, again?
- Sharon Timmer.
9
00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:24,763
I've lived directly below you
for 19 years.
10
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,679
I took you to Urgent Care
11
00:00:27,723 --> 00:00:29,812
that time a spider bit
your neck.
12
00:00:34,556 --> 00:00:37,080
Could you move?
I want to get my mail.
13
00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:39,648
- Why'd you let me talk
for so long?
14
00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:41,084
- Hi, Mrs. Timmer.
15
00:00:41,128 --> 00:00:43,043
- Your wife is yappy and rude.
16
00:00:43,086 --> 00:00:45,784
- That's why we never have sex.
17
00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:51,138
- Where is Jack?
18
00:00:51,181 --> 00:00:53,096
I bribed him
with five yoga classes
19
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:56,186
to get him to subtly blend in
and drum up votes.
20
00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:08,546
- Wow!
21
00:01:08,590 --> 00:01:10,766
Who redesigned the lobby
of this building
22
00:01:10,809 --> 00:01:12,637
I don't live in?
23
00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:14,248
Grace Adler, you say?
24
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:17,425
She sounds single and ready
to try too hard.
25
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,733
- I told you to dress like
a serious interior designer.
26
00:01:21,777 --> 00:01:24,432
I can see the outline
of your lulu-lemons.
27
00:01:25,607 --> 00:01:27,217
- You know what, Grace?
28
00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:30,742
I fulfilled my rear-end
of this bargain, okay?
29
00:01:30,786 --> 00:01:32,744
So I'm going to yoga class...
30
00:01:32,788 --> 00:01:35,225
where they encourage us
to hold in our farts
31
00:01:35,269 --> 00:01:38,663
and steer clear away
from toxic people, okay?
32
00:01:38,707 --> 00:01:41,101
So nama-stay away from me.
33
00:01:41,144 --> 00:01:43,146
Hi, Mrs. Timmer!
34
00:01:56,290 --> 00:01:57,769
- Here you go.
35
00:01:57,813 --> 00:02:00,250
You're welcome.
36
00:02:00,294 --> 00:02:02,339
Yeah. Yeah, you.
I held the door for you.
37
00:02:02,383 --> 00:02:03,732
You're supposed
to say "thank you."
38
00:02:03,775 --> 00:02:05,690
It's called a social contract
when someone...
39
00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:08,171
don't walk away!
Don't walk away!
40
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:11,522
I'm teaching you manners,
you frickin' Neanderthal!
41
00:02:11,566 --> 00:02:13,437
- Will, Will, Will.
- Hmm?
42
00:02:13,481 --> 00:02:14,873
- Twitter celebrity sighting.
43
00:02:14,917 --> 00:02:17,137
The West Side Curmudgeon
is here.
44
00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:18,616
- I love him!
45
00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:20,662
He hates the things we hate
and Tweets about it!
46
00:02:20,705 --> 00:02:23,360
- Should I go over
and fan-girl out on him?
47
00:02:23,404 --> 00:02:25,406
- Oh, I wouldn't.
- Okay, well, we're different.
48
00:02:28,409 --> 00:02:30,454
I know who you are.
49
00:02:30,498 --> 00:02:31,629
- Okay.
50
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:33,457
- You're the
West Side Curmudgeon.
51
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:35,633
- It's not a secret,
so you can stop talking
52
00:02:35,677 --> 00:02:37,766
like a drug dealer
on a kids' show.
53
00:02:37,809 --> 00:02:40,943
Genius!
54
00:02:40,986 --> 00:02:43,293
You're delivering!
55
00:02:43,337 --> 00:02:46,296
Oh, I... I read your feed
every day.
56
00:02:46,340 --> 00:02:48,342
I mean, we hate
all the same things.
57
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:50,648
TV and taxis and...
- Chatty redheads?
58
00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,302
- Yeah, the worst.
59
00:02:52,346 --> 00:02:54,304
I'm Grace.
60
00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:55,479
- Noah.
61
00:02:55,523 --> 00:02:57,481
So, uh, what is this?
- Oh, oh.
62
00:02:57,525 --> 00:02:59,744
Well, I, um... over here.
63
00:03:01,224 --> 00:03:02,660
I am running for President
64
00:03:02,704 --> 00:03:05,794
of the New York Society
of Interior Designers.
65
00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:08,231
And you have a ton
of followers,
66
00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:10,929
and I would love a shout-out.
67
00:03:10,973 --> 00:03:12,496
- What?
No, I'm not here for the...
68
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:14,933
I saw a crowd and thought
there'd be appetizers.
69
00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:16,457
- I so get that.
70
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:18,372
I was technically
a Scientologist
71
00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:20,678
for, like, a minute
because their welcome center
72
00:03:20,722 --> 00:03:22,550
had great chicken salad.
73
00:03:22,593 --> 00:03:25,205
- I... I was in AA for the donuts
74
00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:27,772
but left
because of the camaraderie.
75
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,907
- Are we the same person?
76
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:34,562
- I don't know, did you ex-wife
pound on your door this morning
77
00:03:34,605 --> 00:03:36,303
looking for money?
78
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:39,349
That's who that was!
79
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:45,703
Just kidding.
Um, my ex is a man.
80
00:03:45,747 --> 00:03:47,705
I like men.
Oh, not plural.
81
00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:49,316
One at a time.
82
00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:51,883
And... and with a reasonable
amount of time
83
00:03:51,927 --> 00:03:53,711
between them.
84
00:03:53,755 --> 00:03:56,236
But what is reasonable, really?
85
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:57,889
Oh, chatty redhead.
86
00:03:57,933 --> 00:03:59,891
Just got that.
87
00:03:59,935 --> 00:04:02,981
- Well, uh, see you around
the neighborhood.
88
00:04:04,983 --> 00:04:06,724
Do you mind
if I keep a pamphlet?
89
00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:08,378
- Of course.
90
00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:09,901
Um, spoiler alert, there are
a lot of pictures inside
91
00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:12,556
of me making this face.
92
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,950
- Can't wait.
93
00:04:14,993 --> 00:04:17,605
Bye, Grace.
- Bye, Noah.
94
00:04:17,648 --> 00:04:20,738
- Hey, can you hold it...
hold the door!
95
00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:22,697
How'd it go?
96
00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:24,394
- Oh, so good.
97
00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:26,440
You know when someone has
a dog who hates everyone
98
00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:28,311
but it just comes right up
and licks you?
99
00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:30,705
It's like that, but human.
100
00:04:30,748 --> 00:04:32,663
And he asked if he could keep
101
00:04:32,707 --> 00:04:33,969
my pamphlet.
102
00:04:34,012 --> 00:04:35,884
- Maybe he wanted
to keep your pamphlet
103
00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:37,407
to mock you on Twitter.
104
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:38,843
He is
the West Side Curmudgeon.
105
00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:40,758
- No, Will.
We hit it off.
106
00:04:40,802 --> 00:04:43,587
He took the pamphlet
because my contact information
107
00:04:43,631 --> 00:04:46,286
is on there and he probably
wants to ask me out or...
108
00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:48,070
he's already mocked me
on Twitter, hasn't he?
109
00:04:48,113 --> 00:04:49,898
- It's a picture
of your pamphlet that says,
110
00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:52,553
"Hi, I'm Grace Adler,
and I'm running for President
111
00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:54,337
of the Dumbest Thing
in New York."
112
00:04:54,381 --> 00:04:55,556
- What?
113
00:04:55,599 --> 00:04:57,471
No!
Let me see!
114
00:05:05,696 --> 00:05:08,133
- Grace, is Will here?
115
00:05:16,707 --> 00:05:18,753
- I'll get him.
116
00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:24,367
- Hey, what's up?
117
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:26,848
- You are not going
118
00:05:26,891 --> 00:05:27,979
to believe this.
119
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:30,852
I just saw my boobs
120
00:05:30,895 --> 00:05:34,377
walking down Madison Avenue.
121
00:05:34,421 --> 00:05:36,161
That's why the little label
122
00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:38,903
on the pill bottle says,
"Do not mix with alcohol."
123
00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:43,038
- Hey, I'm serious!
I was on my way to Bergdorf
124
00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:44,909
and I saw a woman coming up
125
00:05:44,953 --> 00:05:47,390
out of a hole in the ground.
126
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:50,045
- The subway.
Continue.
127
00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:53,396
- And I looked right
at her chest and I said,
128
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,920
"Hey.
129
00:05:55,964 --> 00:05:58,836
Haven't I seen you
somewhere before?"
130
00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:01,926
And she said,
"I don't think so."
131
00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:04,407
And I said,
"I'm not talking to you.
132
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:06,931
I'm talking to yous."
133
00:06:08,933 --> 00:06:10,500
And she said, "Oh, yeah.
134
00:06:10,544 --> 00:06:12,067
"I just got 'em done.
135
00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:16,158
They're called
'Karen Walkers.'"
136
00:06:22,817 --> 00:06:24,079
- Wow.
137
00:06:24,122 --> 00:06:26,908
I... I got a million questions
and I...
138
00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:29,737
I don't want
to ask any of them.
139
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:31,129
- And then...
140
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:33,131
and then she said,
"Oh, oh,
141
00:06:33,175 --> 00:06:35,482
"you look like you got
a pair of Walkers yourself.
142
00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:37,092
"Have you been to see
143
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:40,051
Doctor DiLorenzo too?"
144
00:06:40,095 --> 00:06:41,444
And I said,
145
00:06:41,488 --> 00:06:45,056
"How dare you insinuate
146
00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:47,145
"that I would go
147
00:06:47,189 --> 00:06:50,148
to an Italian doctor."
148
00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:59,288
- I don't know
what you want from me.
149
00:06:59,331 --> 00:07:02,465
- You're my lawyer!
Stop this guy!
150
00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:04,162
- I don't practice law
anymore.
151
00:07:04,206 --> 00:07:06,164
- Potato, potata.
152
00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:08,993
Start focusing
on my tomatoes.
153
00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:15,217
You told me that
you would have my back,
154
00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:19,090
and I just assumed that that
would include my front, too.
155
00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,962
- Okay, okay.
I'll call his office
156
00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:23,094
and see if I can get him
to knock off
157
00:07:23,138 --> 00:07:25,967
knocking off your knockers.
158
00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:32,234
That is such clever wordplay,
she said out of pity
159
00:07:32,277 --> 00:07:35,324
as she tried
to get out of the room.
160
00:07:38,632 --> 00:07:40,982
- Will!
161
00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:44,289
I need to go with you and Karen
162
00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:45,943
to that plastic surgeon's
office.
163
00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:47,510
- How do you even know?
- I bumped into her
164
00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:49,338
in the hallway and she told me
the whole story,
165
00:07:49,381 --> 00:07:51,340
including your attempt
at clever wordplay.
166
00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:53,473
Bless your heart.
167
00:07:54,561 --> 00:07:57,259
And while we were waiting
for a tray of brownies to cool,
168
00:07:57,302 --> 00:07:59,566
I told her I'm meeting
Estefan's family from Spain
169
00:07:59,609 --> 00:08:01,829
in a video conference
tomorrow night.
170
00:08:01,872 --> 00:08:03,918
And then we found a box
full of pictures
171
00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:07,095
of Estefan's ex-boyfriends
and they're all gorgeous!
172
00:08:07,138 --> 00:08:10,402
And Karen was like,
"Honey, you got a problem."
173
00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:14,537
- Seriously,
she left one minute ago.
174
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,974
- Will, focus!
I'm in a crisis!
175
00:08:21,239 --> 00:08:23,981
I can't FaceTime
with this face.
176
00:08:27,158 --> 00:08:29,204
- Jack, you don't need
plastic surgery
177
00:08:29,247 --> 00:08:32,207
to have a video conference
with your fiancé's family.
178
00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:34,165
- I am not talking
new cheeks and chin!
179
00:08:34,209 --> 00:08:35,515
Just shave off a couple layers.
180
00:08:35,558 --> 00:08:38,082
Get a little closer
to my skull.
181
00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:42,043
- I thought "knock off
knocking off your knockers"
182
00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:44,262
deserved more love.
183
00:08:44,306 --> 00:08:47,396
Now I'm the guy
who talks to himself.
184
00:08:47,439 --> 00:08:49,441
Eh, it's okay.
185
00:08:57,449 --> 00:08:59,974
- Ha!
186
00:09:00,017 --> 00:09:02,106
I found you, Noah Broader.
187
00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:04,892
That's right.
I know your last name.
188
00:09:04,935 --> 00:09:07,329
And I also know that
you wrote one big novel
189
00:09:07,372 --> 00:09:09,984
15 years ago
that I pretended to read
190
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:11,376
because the print
was much smaller
191
00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:13,204
than the cover suggested.
192
00:09:13,248 --> 00:09:16,381
- Congrats on your five second
Google search.
193
00:09:17,513 --> 00:09:18,949
Betty, can I get
a rice pudding?
194
00:09:18,993 --> 00:09:20,560
This crazy woman is paying.
195
00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:22,605
- Not crazy,
totally sane,
196
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:26,130
light stalking,
not paying.
197
00:09:26,174 --> 00:09:27,697
- If you're sitting here,
you're paying.
198
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,481
And a coffee.
Do you want a coffee?
199
00:09:29,525 --> 00:09:31,353
It's on you.
200
00:09:31,396 --> 00:09:33,398
- I'm not drinking coffee
with you.
201
00:09:33,442 --> 00:09:35,444
That Tweet was very mean,
202
00:09:35,487 --> 00:09:37,359
especially after the way
you flirted with me.
203
00:09:37,402 --> 00:09:39,317
- Flirted?
You mean when you talked
204
00:09:39,361 --> 00:09:41,145
and I didn't stop you?
205
00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:44,061
- And you happened to mention
your angry ex?
206
00:09:44,105 --> 00:09:46,237
Okay, I get it.
You're single.
207
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:51,678
That's flirting.
- You don't date much, do you?
208
00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:53,593
- And I made you smile.
- No way.
209
00:09:53,636 --> 00:09:56,683
I only smile when old people
and nuns fall.
210
00:09:58,075 --> 00:10:00,077
- I made a joke about my pose
211
00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:02,210
in the pamphlet, remember?
212
00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:04,734
- Yeah, and my face looked
like this.
213
00:10:06,649 --> 00:10:08,172
- Just...
214
00:10:08,216 --> 00:10:09,652
take down the Tweet, okay?
215
00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:11,654
- Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
- Seriously?
216
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:13,351
- Seriously.
217
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:14,962
- Great.
218
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:16,528
Have a miserable life.
219
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:18,269
I'm done with you.
- You're going...
220
00:10:18,313 --> 00:10:20,184
- I said I'm done!
221
00:10:21,055 --> 00:10:22,709
Front door is this way.
- That's what I was trying to...
222
00:10:22,752 --> 00:10:25,102
- Done!
223
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,455
- Where have you been?
224
00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:32,283
We gotta meet Karen
at that doctor's office
225
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:34,634
- Keep your girdle on, Doreen.
226
00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:37,071
I had to pick up
my numbing cream.
227
00:10:37,114 --> 00:10:39,073
I'm supposed to put this on
an hour before
228
00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:42,293
they laser-blast my face back
to 1990-sexy.
229
00:10:58,614 --> 00:11:01,182
- Jack, don't become
one of those gay guys
230
00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:02,705
that start getting
everything done
231
00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:05,665
as soon as he turns 40.
- "One of those guys"?
232
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,623
We are the only gay guys
over 40
233
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,625
who haven't at least
gotten our eyes done.
234
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,366
We're about to lose
our membership to the gym
235
00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:13,716
in William-Sonoma.
236
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,587
- Larry hasn't gotten
his eyes done.
237
00:11:15,631 --> 00:11:17,285
He still looks great.
238
00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:19,635
- Larry absolutely
did his eyes.
239
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,203
Joe did his eyes and neck.
240
00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:24,161
Rory's done eyes, neck, ears,
241
00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:26,207
nose, head, shoulders,
knees and toes,
242
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:28,252
knees and toes.
243
00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:31,734
- You're using way too much
of that.
244
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:33,475
Ooh, it tingles.
245
00:11:33,518 --> 00:11:35,390
- God, will you please...
246
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:37,697
be careful,
you're getting it on your lips.
247
00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:39,829
Don't lick it off.
248
00:11:39,873 --> 00:11:41,396
- Would you relax?
249
00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:43,485
It's fine.
250
00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:47,794
That's so... that's so weird!
251
00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:49,404
It's like...
252
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:53,713
- "Overuse may cause
extreme facial numbness."
253
00:11:53,756 --> 00:11:56,759
How long does it last?
254
00:11:56,803 --> 00:12:00,545
- What?
- How long does it last?
255
00:12:00,589 --> 00:12:03,592
- Oh, "how long does it last."
256
00:12:03,635 --> 00:12:05,855
Uh, four hours.
Why?
257
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:07,335
I have to call Estefan
258
00:12:07,378 --> 00:12:09,511
at 7:00 tonight.
259
00:12:09,554 --> 00:12:11,252
- What?
260
00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:14,124
- I have to call Estefan
at 7:00 tonight.
261
00:12:15,212 --> 00:12:16,779
- What?
262
00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:19,651
- I have to call...
- Oh, you have to call Estefan
263
00:12:19,695 --> 00:12:20,870
at 7:00 tonight.
264
00:12:20,914 --> 00:12:23,655
Well, that's 1:00 AM in Spain.
265
00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:25,440
You're sure he didn't mean
7:00 his time?
266
00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:27,442
'Cause that's right now.
267
00:12:27,485 --> 00:12:29,531
- Oh, thi.
268
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,450
Ah!
My fingers don't work!
269
00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:37,495
My fingers don't work!
270
00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:42,239
- "Contact with fingers
and other sensitive areas
271
00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:44,328
may cause
an unwanted reaction."
272
00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:46,461
That's good advice
for your love life, too.
273
00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:48,245
- Will, help me!
I gotta make the call!
274
00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:49,812
- Wait, it goes on.
275
00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:52,293
"In case of contact
with tongue,
276
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:55,426
eating a banana may reverse
the effects."
277
00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:57,733
- Really?
278
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,475
Holy crap!
I'll just eat a banana!
279
00:13:39,557 --> 00:13:41,864
You thon of a bith.
280
00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:52,266
- Seriously,
it's just one Tweet.
281
00:13:52,309 --> 00:13:55,312
- Oh, good, you're back.
You forgot to pay.
282
00:13:55,356 --> 00:13:58,054
- Seriously, it could
really hurt my campaign.
283
00:13:58,098 --> 00:13:59,273
- Then you'd never get
to be President
284
00:13:59,316 --> 00:14:01,101
of the made-up thing.
285
00:14:01,144 --> 00:14:03,233
- It is not a made-up thing.
286
00:14:03,277 --> 00:14:05,932
It is a society dedicated
to the advancement
287
00:14:05,975 --> 00:14:07,977
of design and beautification
of New York.
288
00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:09,936
- Don't take it personally,
okay?
289
00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:12,895
I just think people like you
are ruining the city.
290
00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:15,419
Did you know there are
now more cupcake shops
291
00:14:15,463 --> 00:14:17,334
than porno theaters
in my neighborhood?
292
00:14:17,378 --> 00:14:20,250
Who wants to live
in that world?
293
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:21,730
- I do!
294
00:14:21,773 --> 00:14:23,253
Porn is gross,
and we are living
295
00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:26,822
in the golden age of cupcakes.
296
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,390
- New York doesn't need
"beautification," okay?
297
00:14:29,433 --> 00:14:30,826
It needs uglification.
298
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:33,002
Bring back
Lincoln Plaza Cinemas and...
299
00:14:33,046 --> 00:14:34,743
and Little Mike's.
300
00:14:34,786 --> 00:14:37,267
- I found a mouse in my soda
at Little Mike's once.
301
00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:39,879
It hadn't finished
drowning yet.
302
00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:47,930
- So you drink around it!
It's New York!
303
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:51,847
- You know what I think?
304
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,980
I think you are a miserable,
cynical person
305
00:14:54,023 --> 00:14:55,938
who finds fault with everything
306
00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:58,767
because you're alone in your
sad apartment on Amsterdam,
307
00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:01,291
and your life didn't turn out
the way you wanted it to.
308
00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:03,815
- It's almost as if
I'm a curmudgeon
309
00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:06,209
who lives on the West Side.
310
00:15:07,471 --> 00:15:10,039
And you follow me
because you're also angry
311
00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:11,867
that life didn't turn out
the way you wanted.
312
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,477
- My life is terrific.
- Oh, really?
313
00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:16,132
You wanted to be divorced
and alone in your late 40s?
314
00:15:16,176 --> 00:15:20,093
- Hey!
I am in my late-mid 40s.
315
00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:25,011
And I am not alone.
316
00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:26,969
I live with my gay best friend.
317
00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:30,016
- So you have realized
your dream.
318
00:15:30,059 --> 00:15:31,756
- You know what?
You don't know
319
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,236
anything about me,
320
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,369
and if I was better at thinking
321
00:15:35,412 --> 00:15:37,327
of devastating things
in the moment,
322
00:15:37,371 --> 00:15:39,939
I would so destroy you
right now.
323
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:42,028
But they always come to me
ten minutes too late,
324
00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:44,378
so I am done with you.
325
00:15:44,421 --> 00:15:46,032
I know!
326
00:15:48,251 --> 00:15:51,211
There really should be
an exit right there.
327
00:16:11,274 --> 00:16:13,494
Hello!
328
00:16:13,537 --> 00:16:17,193
- Why are you wearing
so much sun block inside?
329
00:16:17,237 --> 00:16:19,326
- No, no, wait, wait, wait!
330
00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:21,502
- You are nervous,
but they will love you
331
00:16:21,545 --> 00:16:23,112
because I love you.
332
00:16:23,156 --> 00:16:24,505
Oh, one tiny thing.
333
00:16:24,548 --> 00:16:26,855
My father has very recently
334
00:16:26,898 --> 00:16:29,075
suffered a stroke.
335
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:34,210
So, please,
do not call attention to it.
336
00:16:36,430 --> 00:16:38,432
Papa, Jack.
337
00:16:42,827 --> 00:16:44,525
- Jack, what are you doing?
338
00:16:44,568 --> 00:16:46,222
I can't feel my face!
339
00:16:46,266 --> 00:16:48,181
I can't feel my face.
- Oh, yes,
340
00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:51,010
keep mocking my poor papa,
mister funny man.
341
00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:53,186
You think you are some kind
of a John Mulaney,
342
00:16:53,229 --> 00:16:56,972
but your humor is cruel
like Daniel Tosh.
343
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,365
- No, no!
344
00:16:58,408 --> 00:17:00,106
My face is numb
345
00:17:00,149 --> 00:17:01,890
because I used too much
prescription medicine
346
00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:03,413
because I was gonna get
a cosmetic procedure
347
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,111
so I can be as gorgeous
as your other boyfriend.
348
00:17:05,154 --> 00:17:06,547
- Oh!
349
00:17:06,590 --> 00:17:08,331
You can't feel your face
because you used too much
350
00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:09,985
prescription medicine
because you were going to have
351
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,117
a cosmetic procedure
so you can be as gorgeous
352
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,901
as my other boyfriends?
353
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,990
I'm so sorry, Estefan.
354
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,383
- Don't you know?
355
00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:18,080
You are beautiful.
356
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:19,821
An eternal boy.
357
00:17:19,864 --> 00:17:21,127
You're like Peter Pan,
358
00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:24,173
but you look even better
in tights.
359
00:17:24,217 --> 00:17:26,436
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
360
00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:34,227
- That was Dr. DiLorenzo's
office.
361
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:36,229
They will no longer be
using your name
362
00:17:36,272 --> 00:17:37,752
for his implants.
363
00:17:37,795 --> 00:17:39,797
They'll now be called
"Ah-oogahs."
364
00:17:39,841 --> 00:17:41,060
- Mm.
365
00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:46,326
- So I guess we won.
- Huh.
366
00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:48,632
Normally, ruining
an Italian's business
367
00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:51,418
would make my day.
368
00:17:54,986 --> 00:17:57,598
But there are still
younger women out there
369
00:17:57,641 --> 00:17:59,774
wearing my best asset.
370
00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:01,297
- Oh, come on, Karen.
371
00:18:01,341 --> 00:18:03,560
You're a gorgeous woman
and as... as long
372
00:18:03,604 --> 00:18:05,606
as that contract you signed
in blood holds up
373
00:18:05,649 --> 00:18:07,999
you'll be gorgeous
for eternity.
374
00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:11,307
- If you can't trust Satan,
who can you trust?
375
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:16,921
- Eh, getting older sucks.
376
00:18:16,965 --> 00:18:19,446
- And we're only getting older.
- Mm.
377
00:18:19,489 --> 00:18:21,883
- Every second,
closer to death.
378
00:18:21,926 --> 00:18:24,320
And now we're closer.
379
00:18:24,364 --> 00:18:26,496
And now we're closer.
380
00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:28,063
And now...
- Okay, another... another way
381
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,760
to look at it is...
382
00:18:29,804 --> 00:18:31,806
is right now,
we're the youngest
383
00:18:31,849 --> 00:18:34,722
we'll ever be,
so we might as well enjoy it.
384
00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:36,637
- Oh, that's true, honey.
385
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,769
Plus, who cares
if we're getting older?
386
00:18:38,813 --> 00:18:40,467
We're both filthy ri...
387
00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:43,383
I mean, age is only a number.
388
00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:51,652
- You're an awful human being,
389
00:18:51,695 --> 00:18:53,654
and I'll always
be here for you.
390
00:18:53,697 --> 00:18:55,830
- I know that about you.
391
00:19:00,487 --> 00:19:03,620
- Okay, I thought of exactly
what I want to say to you.
392
00:19:04,752 --> 00:19:06,797
- Is it nice?
I bet it's nice.
393
00:19:06,841 --> 00:19:08,669
- You're a coward.
394
00:19:08,712 --> 00:19:10,061
You're afraid of failure,
395
00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:12,151
so you never wrote
another book again.
396
00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:13,761
You flirt with me
but then you deny it
397
00:19:13,804 --> 00:19:15,371
so you don't have
to be exposed.
398
00:19:15,415 --> 00:19:17,765
You lob little insults
at the world
399
00:19:17,808 --> 00:19:20,855
and it's all so safe.
400
00:19:20,898 --> 00:19:22,944
Look, I know you think
what I do is lame,
401
00:19:22,987 --> 00:19:24,728
but at least I try.
402
00:19:24,772 --> 00:19:26,121
I take something bad
403
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:29,124
and I try to make it better.
404
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:32,127
Without that...
without the possibility
405
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:35,435
for a little joy or beauty
in your life...
406
00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:37,567
what's the point?
407
00:19:38,438 --> 00:19:39,700
- Nice monologue.
408
00:19:39,743 --> 00:19:40,962
You must have majored
in theater
409
00:19:41,005 --> 00:19:43,443
when you were at NYU.
410
00:19:44,095 --> 00:19:45,662
- Just because I memorized it
411
00:19:45,706 --> 00:19:47,925
and wrote it down
on this napkin...
412
00:19:49,449 --> 00:19:52,191
- That's toilet paper.
Where did you write this?
413
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:01,417
- Where I find inspiration
is none of your business.
414
00:20:02,636 --> 00:20:04,942
Wait, how did you know
I went to NYU?
415
00:20:04,986 --> 00:20:06,596
- What?
You told me.
416
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,903
- No, I didn't.
417
00:20:08,946 --> 00:20:11,601
You Googled me.
418
00:20:11,645 --> 00:20:15,083
I did not.
- Oh, but you did.
419
00:20:16,171 --> 00:20:18,695
Let me see your search history.
420
00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:21,481
- You do not want to see
my search history.
421
00:20:23,787 --> 00:20:25,485
Fine.
Fine.
422
00:20:25,528 --> 00:20:27,095
I Googled you, all right?
423
00:20:27,138 --> 00:20:30,098
But that... that doesn't mean...
it's not because... that...
424
00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:31,578
listen.
425
00:20:31,621 --> 00:20:34,145
I had no... this...
426
00:20:39,716 --> 00:20:40,935
Wow.
427
00:20:40,978 --> 00:20:42,458
Do you need to storm out
428
00:20:42,502 --> 00:20:44,460
and gather your thoughts?
429
00:20:44,504 --> 00:20:46,680
The exit's that way.
430
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:50,249
- Huh.
431
00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:52,207
- "Huh" what?
432
00:20:53,208 --> 00:20:54,775
- Just "huh."
433
00:20:57,081 --> 00:20:59,170
I'll take down the Tweet.
434
00:20:59,214 --> 00:21:00,955
- Thank you.
435
00:21:02,826 --> 00:21:04,524
- You want a rice pudding?
436
00:21:10,138 --> 00:21:11,835
- Sure.
437
00:21:13,315 --> 00:21:15,970
- Might be a while.
The service is terrible.
438
00:21:17,188 --> 00:21:19,539
- I'm not in a hurry.
31074