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1
00:00:00,368 --> 00:00:01,902
Only on Fox.
2
00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:07,308
-Morning.
-(Margaret sighs)
3
00:00:07,342 --> 00:00:09,710
-Morning.
-Good morning. (laughs)
4
00:00:09,744 --> 00:00:13,548
It is a great morning, isn't it?
(chuckles)
5
00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:19,254
Any reason why you're
pouring rum on your pancakes?
6
00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:21,689
Any reason why your breath
smells like
7
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,224
a graveyard port-o-potty?
8
00:00:23,258 --> 00:00:26,026
-Oh.
-Oh.
9
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:28,062
It's the morning, Margaret.
10
00:00:28,095 --> 00:00:30,398
Yeah, he's a post-breakfast
brusher.
11
00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:33,368
Oh, why does his breath smell
like that at dinner, too?
12
00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,836
-Whoa.
-Whoa.
13
00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:39,507
Margaret, you're pouring rum
on your pancakes.
14
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,376
You're lashing out at Hank,
15
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:44,445
for what is admittedly
a problem.
16
00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:46,247
What's going on with you?
17
00:00:46,281 --> 00:00:48,883
Nothing. I'm great.
18
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:52,420
Oh, well, that's really a relief
to hear. Good for you.
19
00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:55,022
You weren't very good as a
parent, were you, Charlie?
20
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:58,793
I think I was; I mean, they all
sued me, but none of them won.
21
00:01:00,495 --> 00:01:03,163
No, seriously, Margaret,
what is going on with you?
22
00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:06,567
There's the birthday girl.
23
00:01:06,601 --> 00:01:08,135
Happy 65th.
24
00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:10,438
-Oh. (chuckles)
-Oh.
25
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:14,108
Okay, let's just don't make
a big deal of this.
26
00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:15,276
Of course not.
27
00:01:15,310 --> 00:01:19,246
We got a dusty crusty
right here!
28
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,881
All right, gang.
We're gonna sing
29
00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:23,284
my favorite song ever written.
"Happy Birthday."
30
00:01:23,318 --> 00:01:24,452
* Happy...
31
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:26,754
You really need to go.
32
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:31,125
Okay, please, just nobody say
another word about my birthday.
33
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,930
* 65! 65!
34
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:41,302
* Our favorite girl
is still alive. *
35
00:01:45,940 --> 00:01:47,642
Bad time?
36
00:01:49,644 --> 00:01:51,546
*
37
00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:14,502
Ma'am, you are being
unreasonable.
38
00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:16,704
No, you're being unreasonable,
ma'am. Ma'am?
39
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:18,939
Get this,
they won't take the cake back
40
00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:21,476
once you've been inside of it.
41
00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:24,812
So I guess I'm out $400 because
somebody doesn't like birthdays.
42
00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:28,315
Well, I'm sorry. I'm just not
excited about being a senior.
43
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,317
There's something about
that word.
44
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:33,287
For the first time in my life,
I feel... old.
45
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:34,555
Well, too bad
there isn't something
46
00:02:34,589 --> 00:02:36,290
to make you feel childlike
and young like,
47
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:37,692
oh, I don't know, a cake!
48
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:42,397
Who says being a senior means
you're old? We're seniors.
49
00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:44,532
And we're in the primes
of our lives.
50
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:48,903
And I tell you som... (coughs)
51
00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:50,204
(continues coughing)
52
00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:51,539
(clears throat)
53
00:02:52,907 --> 00:02:55,042
I happen to like being a senior.
54
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:58,513
Nobody liked this sweater
when I was a teenager.
55
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:01,348
I don't consider myself
a senior at all.
56
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:04,318
I count my age from when
I came out to my wife
57
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,253
and my new life began.
58
00:03:06,286 --> 00:03:09,156
New Year's Eve 1999.
59
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:15,095
I was so scared about that Y2K,
I just... blurted it out.
60
00:03:15,129 --> 00:03:17,331
Far as I'm concerned, I'm 18.
61
00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:20,768
Barely legal.
62
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,903
Is that when you started
dressing like
63
00:03:22,937 --> 00:03:25,573
an ice cream cone
with extra sprinkles?
64
00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:27,775
Ooh.
65
00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:30,277
Ooh-ooh.
I know what this is about.
66
00:03:30,310 --> 00:03:32,680
Hank, it's 'cause she's a woman.
67
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:33,881
Excuse me?
68
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:36,417
Shh. Margaret,
I'm talking to Hank.
69
00:03:36,451 --> 00:03:38,953
You see, men age gracefully.
70
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:43,190
As we get older we become either
distinguished fancy men
71
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,892
or grizzled cowboys.
72
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:49,597
Or in my case,
a grizzled fancy man.
73
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:52,867
Whereas with women,
it's either invisible
74
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,135
or scary forest witch.
75
00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:57,371
Oh, screw you.
76
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,973
What? I didn't say it.
77
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:02,577
I'm just repeating what society
told me, Margaret.
78
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:04,712
My boy is right.
You're not old.
79
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,647
You're just upset
because society
80
00:04:06,681 --> 00:04:08,583
has tricked you
into thinking you're old.
81
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:11,619
Did you just mansplain
gender politics to me?
82
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:13,621
Baby. Baby, baby, listen.
83
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:16,090
I don't think you're using the
term, "mansplaining" properly.
84
00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:18,793
Are you mansplaining
"mansplaining" to me?
85
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:21,095
Don't answer.
It's a trick.
86
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:25,132
Well, I am certainly excited to
become a scary forest witch.
87
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:27,668
I'm just sorry you guys won't
be around to see it
88
00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:30,270
with your short little
male life spans.
89
00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:31,772
But here's a preview for you.
90
00:04:31,806 --> 00:04:33,974
(witchy voice):
You're old, Hank!
91
00:04:34,008 --> 00:04:36,443
You're all old!
92
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:38,245
(normal voice):
And now, if you'll excuse me,
93
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,948
I'm gonna go whip up some
Long Island Iced Teas
94
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,883
in my cauldron!
95
00:04:48,355 --> 00:04:49,857
You know what we need to do?
96
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:53,994
Yep, grab a couple flasks
and go hit that cauldron.
97
00:04:54,028 --> 00:04:56,797
We need to take her out for
a night on the town
98
00:04:56,831 --> 00:04:58,799
and convince her
that she is wrong,
99
00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:02,002
that we are not old
and that my breath smells good.
100
00:05:02,036 --> 00:05:06,607
I'm in. I mean, you would think
that a $400 cake
101
00:05:06,641 --> 00:05:09,944
would have cheered her up,
but I'm over it.
102
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,445
I am over it.
103
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,147
You know, it's about respect.
104
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,816
It's just...
105
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,292
(knocking on door)
106
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,994
* Her name is Margaret
107
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:28,529
* She's 65
108
00:05:28,563 --> 00:05:30,197
* She likes to party
109
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:32,066
* She don't take no jive
110
00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:33,467
* Go, Margaret
111
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,002
* Go, Margaret, go, Margaret
112
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:37,838
* Go, Margaret, go, Margaret,
go, Margaret *
113
00:05:37,872 --> 00:05:39,574
(breathless):
* Go, Margaret, go, Margaret.
114
00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:41,308
-Are you all right?
-(Margaret laughs)
115
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,343
What the hell is this?
116
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:44,979
Margaret, put the liquor down.
117
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,681
We're taking you out
to get drunk.
118
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:49,984
No, you guys, I am fine
with my P-booze-and-J.
119
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:53,520
And what the hell
are you guys wearing?
120
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:56,023
You look like extras
in the "Beat It" video.
121
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,391
This is Ver-sace.
122
00:05:57,424 --> 00:05:58,893
You mean Versace?
123
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:02,529
No, I mean Ver-sace,
I couldn't afford the "ace."
124
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:04,198
We're taking you out
for a good old-fashioned
125
00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:05,399
young person's night.
126
00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:08,936
I don't think young people
call it "young person's night."
127
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:12,006
And I know they don't wear
fanny packs.
128
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,074
Well, they should, 'cause
there's everything in here
129
00:06:14,108 --> 00:06:15,542
a young person could want.
130
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,511
There's reading glasses,
comfort insoles,
131
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,913
rolling papers,
132
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:21,749
calcium toffee chews
for strong bones.
133
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:23,550
You got my breath mints, right?
134
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:25,485
Ooh, I hope so.
135
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,956
Guys, let me hide
from my birthday
136
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,625
the way I want to, okay?
137
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:33,093
I'm gonna finish my little
P-booze-and-J.
138
00:06:33,127 --> 00:06:35,730
I'm gonna make a little
beer-rito for dinner.
139
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:38,065
I'm gonna pound five or six
cocktails for dessert.
140
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:40,567
Make a little nightcap
and I'm off to bed.
141
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,436
You can eat all that crap
tomorrow.
142
00:06:42,469 --> 00:06:44,071
Hell, we'll even eat it
with you.
143
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,941
But tonight, you're gonna have
the best birthday of your life.
144
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:50,010
Put. This. On.
145
00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:55,716
Welcome to the coolest jazz club
in all of suburban Tucson:
146
00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:58,285
Ronnie's Swing Time Cafe.
147
00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:00,655
I'm gonna make sure we all
get taken care of
148
00:07:00,688 --> 00:07:03,824
'cause, you know, I know Ronnie.
149
00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:06,627
Wow, Hank, I had no idea
you were such a big shot
150
00:07:06,661 --> 00:07:09,664
in the outer metropolitan
nightlife world.
151
00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:12,099
You know, uh, Prince came up
in here one night.
152
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:13,901
And I, myself,
gave him directions
153
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,637
to the club
he was trying to get to.
154
00:07:16,671 --> 00:07:18,072
Can you hold this ChapStick?
155
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,575
'Cause it's standing room only
in these pants.
156
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:24,645
Well, let me see.
No room in the front.
157
00:07:24,679 --> 00:07:26,346
Let me check around back.
158
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:27,782
Okay.
159
00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:29,116
You're wearing two fanny packs?
160
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:33,087
No, I'm wearing one because
I only want half my stuff.
161
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,090
Uh, listen,
we're almost to the bouncer.
162
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:38,959
Can you guys be cool for ten
seconds? Let me handle this.
163
00:07:38,993 --> 00:07:40,861
What's up, my man? (laughs)
164
00:07:40,895 --> 00:07:44,298
My man, my man, my man, my man,
my man, my man, my man.
165
00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:49,036
How you living? Large? Listen,
uh, I'm a friend of Ronnie's.
166
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:51,806
-I don't know any Ronnie.
-Well, sure you do.
167
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,540
Isn't this Ronnie's
Swing Time Cafe?
168
00:07:53,573 --> 00:07:55,843
No, this is Twerk Lab.
169
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:59,814
If only there was a way
we could've known.
170
00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:02,316
Well, what happened
to Ronnie's Swing Time Cafe?
171
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:05,152
-It became Twerk Lab.
-Well, that was fun.
172
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,487
Time to go? I want to get home
and journal about this
173
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:09,156
while it's still fresh
in my mind.
174
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:12,159
Going home is what
four old people would do,
175
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:13,828
and we are not old.
176
00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:15,629
Uh, my good man. (chuckles)
177
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,832
I got four dance scientists
178
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:21,335
who are prepared
to enter the Twerk Lab.
179
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:25,706
None of you are coming inside.
I would immediately be fired.
180
00:08:25,740 --> 00:08:31,378
(clears throat) How about
for three calcium chews?
181
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,580
Guys, it's a no.
182
00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:35,415
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
183
00:08:35,449 --> 00:08:37,584
Four calcium chews.
184
00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:39,653
-Did you say four calcium chews?
-Uh-huh.
185
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,255
Okay, all right, you got it.
Come on in.
186
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:44,224
-You serious?
-No, I'm not. Back up, please.
187
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,697
Joke's on that hater
'cause I know another way in.
188
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:53,200
So, y'all can just thank me now
189
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,202
after I open this...
190
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,204
Damn.
191
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,907
Ronnie never locked that door
back when I used to come here.
192
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:03,043
Maybe that's why
Ronnie went out of business.
193
00:09:03,077 --> 00:09:06,013
You know, I bet someone could
crawl through there
194
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,882
and open the door for us.
195
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:10,818
If only one of us
was little enough.
196
00:09:11,886 --> 00:09:14,388
Uh-uh. No, no, no, no, no.
197
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:16,456
I know what y'all are thinking.
198
00:09:16,490 --> 00:09:19,693
Everybody loves
to hoist the little guy.
199
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,561
We're a team, Sid.
200
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:23,263
We all have a special skill.
201
00:09:23,297 --> 00:09:26,967
Mine is my big-ass brain
that works good, and yours is...
202
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:29,303
Well, I lost
my train of thought.
203
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:34,074
Here we go again.
I have heard it all before.
204
00:09:34,108 --> 00:09:36,210
"Sid, climb under that fence."
205
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:39,579
"Sid, squeeze through that
doggy door and grab my keys."
206
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:42,582
"Sid, hop on the conveyor belt
and go around baggage claim
207
00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:44,751
and see what the holdup is."
208
00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:47,654
Well, I'm not doing it anymore.
209
00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:49,456
Fine. Doesn't matter anyway.
210
00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:52,426
Hell, I don't think you would
fit with those extra pounds.
211
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:54,294
Oh, yeah? Watch me.
212
00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:56,630
Here it comes.
213
00:10:05,439 --> 00:10:07,741
(guttural grunt)
214
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,944
Uh, unisex bathroom.
215
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:12,947
Ooh, tres chic. (groans)
216
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,850
Oh! Freakin' gross!
217
00:10:15,883 --> 00:10:18,953
My pashmina's
in the pee-pee!
218
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,754
-Oh! Oh. Oh, I flushed it.
-(toilet flushing)
219
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,990
I flushed it. I...
Can I get some help?
220
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:26,460
Help! Help me! I'm going down.
221
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:29,129
Oh!
222
00:10:29,163 --> 00:10:31,131
*
223
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:37,171
God, I hope those gunshots
are part of the song.
224
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:38,973
What are you talking about,
Margaret?
225
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,507
This place is over the chain.
226
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:43,543
Really? You into this sick beat?
227
00:10:43,577 --> 00:10:45,045
Why, yes, I am.
228
00:10:45,079 --> 00:10:47,447
This is probably one
of my favorite current tracks.
229
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:50,050
Who is this artist?
230
00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:51,318
This artist performing
right here?
231
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:54,321
-Yeah.
-Uh, this is probably, uh...
232
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:57,824
Lil... (sighs)
233
00:10:57,858 --> 00:11:00,694
DJ... You Betcha.
(clears throat)
234
00:11:00,727 --> 00:11:02,462
Lil DJ You Betcha?
235
00:11:02,496 --> 00:11:05,332
-You betcha! Mm-hmm.
-Uh-huh.
236
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:07,301
And singing this hook
right here?
237
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:11,005
That's, um... I-I believe
that's my girl, uh, Shadoinka.
238
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:14,008
Shadoinka? You know,
I don't think I've heard
239
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:15,675
of either one of those artists.
240
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:18,712
Well, that's 'cause you don't
follow the charts like I do.
241
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,650
-Let's hit that dance floor,
birthday girl.
-Ugh.
242
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,220
I'm feeling the beat in my seat.
243
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:27,587
Just follow me.
244
00:11:27,621 --> 00:11:31,191
-I'm your wingman.
We're in this together.
-Okay.
245
00:11:31,225 --> 00:11:34,161
Whoo! Uh...
246
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:38,365
-Sid!
-Damn it, Margaret, I'm busy!
247
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:41,268
Read the room!
248
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:51,778
Hi, sweetie. Are you lost?
249
00:11:51,811 --> 00:11:53,380
Is it that obvious?
250
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,515
I have no idea
what I'm doing here. (chuckles)
251
00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:58,218
Well, maybe we can
figure it out together.
252
00:11:58,252 --> 00:12:00,720
This isn't real.
253
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,756
This can't be real.
254
00:12:02,789 --> 00:12:05,725
Oh, it's real.
I promise it's real.
255
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:08,362
Oh, my damn.
256
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,297
(purring)
257
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,369
Man, it's loud in here.
258
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,271
You ever gonna
answer your phone?
259
00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:18,872
(loudly):
My phone's not ringing.
260
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,108
That's not good.
261
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:24,578
Can I have a Harvey Wallbanger,
please?
262
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,313
He doesn't know what that is.
263
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:28,582
That's why
I brought along a recipe.
264
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,617
See?
265
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:33,820
If you accept that you're old,
you can be prepared.
266
00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:36,556
I'm not old,
and I'll prove it to you.
267
00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:39,293
I hope you got binoculars
in your little, uh, belt purse,
268
00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:40,760
'cause you're gonna want
to see these moves.
269
00:12:40,794 --> 00:12:43,097
(chuckles)
Do I have binoculars?
270
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:45,932
I do.
271
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,567
Where do you live?
I'll take you home.
272
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:51,438
Oh, you move fast, Lucas,
and I like it.
273
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:54,108
I just don't want the people
who take care of you to worry.
274
00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:55,509
I know what it's like.
275
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,844
My nana was always
wandering off, too.
276
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:04,985
Wait a minute. So you mean
you're not trying to sleep me?
277
00:13:05,019 --> 00:13:08,555
You creep! You should
be ashamed of yourself!
278
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:13,960
Your loss, buddy,
'cause this body knows things.
279
00:13:16,863 --> 00:13:19,033
*
280
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:25,539
Evening, ladies.
281
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:27,141
You gals like fresh trout?
282
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:29,576
'Cause the moves I'm about
to show you are off the hook.
283
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,313
He-he-he.
284
00:13:33,347 --> 00:13:36,483
-(pants ripping)
-Ow! Ooh.
285
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:39,386
I tried to bust a move,
but the move busted me.
286
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:42,122
Yeah, you ripped your pants
and your underpants.
287
00:13:42,156 --> 00:13:44,191
You got a lot going on
back there, pal.
288
00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:46,293
Listen, cover for me, Charlie.
289
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:49,029
Let's make it to the bathroom.
290
00:13:49,063 --> 00:13:53,400
I truly am having the time
of my life.
291
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:04,511
You know, earlier,
a young man called me Mr. T.
292
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:08,615
Now the fool I'm pitying most
is myself.
293
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,419
How's it coming
with my pants, Charlie?
294
00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:15,922
Uh, good. Almost done
sewing up your butthole here.
295
00:14:18,592 --> 00:14:20,660
Well, we're old.
296
00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:22,429
Happy birthday, Margaret.
297
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:25,199
Would've been much happier
if I was in bed
298
00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,867
eating a booze-nana split
right now.
299
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,569
But you two
dragged me down here,
300
00:14:29,603 --> 00:14:33,006
and I got blue-balled
by some jailbait hottie
301
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:36,042
who mistook me
for his lost granny.
302
00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:39,846
Well, I got nothing
in my pack for that.
303
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:43,117
But if it would help,
I'd be happy to hit on you.
304
00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:45,885
Aw, thanks, Charlie. (chuckles)
305
00:14:45,919 --> 00:14:48,054
Hello, gorgeous.
306
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:53,927
What do you say you and I find
a mossy clearing in the woods
307
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,062
and do what nature...
308
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:58,965
Charlie, I meant "thanks"
like "I'm good."
309
00:14:58,998 --> 00:15:01,768
Whoo! I need a break.
310
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:04,804
I keep telling these boys
not to fall in love,
311
00:15:04,838 --> 00:15:07,774
but they will not listen.
312
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:11,077
You know what the worst part
about getting old is?
313
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,413
Oh, this sounds like fun.
314
00:15:13,447 --> 00:15:17,083
I used to be excited
to do so many big things.
315
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:19,719
Live in Paris.
Be a famous folk singer.
316
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:22,122
Learn how to make a frittata.
And now...
317
00:15:22,156 --> 00:15:23,590
(scoffs) Not gonna happen.
318
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:25,659
Honey, you can still make
that frittata.
319
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:27,461
It's just eggs.
320
00:15:28,462 --> 00:15:29,763
You wanted to be a folk singer?
321
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:34,168
I almost was. I recorded
a folk album back in 1971.
322
00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:36,336
Yeah, she played me
a couple cuts. It's pretty good.
323
00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:38,338
A minor record label
picked me up.
324
00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:40,440
I wrote it about
this relationship that I was in
325
00:15:40,474 --> 00:15:41,908
where I was stepped on
and ignored
326
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,911
and taken for granted.
It was called Carpet.
327
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,012
Wow, that's awful.
328
00:15:46,045 --> 00:15:47,781
Hmm. It was a tough time for me.
329
00:15:47,814 --> 00:15:49,983
No, I meant the album title.
330
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:51,518
The worst part is
331
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,187
the day before Carpet came out,
332
00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:56,122
Carole King released Tapestry.
333
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:58,592
Now, that's
a professional title.
334
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,360
Anyway,
335
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:02,996
Tapestry blew Carpet
right out of the water.
336
00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:04,631
(chuckles)
I thought you were gonna say
337
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:08,802
that Tapestry swept Carpet
under the rug.
338
00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:12,539
You missed an opportunity.
339
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:15,542
Okay! Maybe that joke
will up the mood in here.
340
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:17,844
I used to care
about so many things.
341
00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:19,446
Well, crud.
342
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,148
-Now I don't really give a crap
about anything.
-(chuckles)
343
00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:23,550
But, Margaret,
you're missing the point.
344
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:25,685
Not giving a crap
is the greatest thing
345
00:16:25,719 --> 00:16:26,886
about growing old.
346
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,688
I mean, look at these two, okay?
347
00:16:28,722 --> 00:16:31,625
(crying): She's wearing
the same dress as me.
348
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,693
I am an idiot!
349
00:16:35,729 --> 00:16:37,497
Ah.
350
00:16:37,531 --> 00:16:41,535
Remember how it felt to care
about everything all the time?
351
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:43,036
-It was terrible.
-Yeah.
352
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:46,039
And getting old,
you can just be yourself.
353
00:16:46,072 --> 00:16:48,508
Oh, I wish I could have
been myself earlier.
354
00:16:48,542 --> 00:16:50,210
I should have come out
of the closet
355
00:16:50,244 --> 00:16:52,879
the minute I knew I was gay
at age...
356
00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:54,314
uh, well, five.
357
00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:58,051
Well, no, four or five.
Whenever I saw Ben-Hur.
358
00:16:58,084 --> 00:17:00,354
You guys are right.
You know what?
359
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:01,721
Being young sucks ass.
360
00:17:01,755 --> 00:17:04,190
And not giving a crap,
that's kind of my thing.
361
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:05,525
I just, I let a number
362
00:17:05,559 --> 00:17:07,827
on the calendar
make me forget that.
363
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:08,895
Yeah, I mean, so what?
364
00:17:08,928 --> 00:17:12,098
I took a chance, I danced,
I ripped my pants.
365
00:17:12,131 --> 00:17:13,833
(laughs)
366
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:14,868
No, I know you were trying
367
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:18,104
to be serious,
but that rhyming made me giggle.
368
00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:21,040
Hey, I have got ten minutes left
in my birthday,
369
00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:23,042
and I am not drunk enough.
370
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:25,044
Oh, I can remedy that.
It's your 65th,
371
00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:27,781
so we're gonna do 65 shots each.
372
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,215
Hank, I'll die.
373
00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:32,118
Okay, then. Uh, combined.
374
00:17:32,151 --> 00:17:34,020
-Party time!
-(all laugh)
375
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,556
Ain't nothing
gonna slow us down now.
376
00:17:36,590 --> 00:17:38,492
(grunts)
377
00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:47,467
Yes, let's go! Whoo!
378
00:17:47,501 --> 00:17:49,603
(laughs)
379
00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:52,806
Okay, 65 shots
of premium tequila.
380
00:17:52,839 --> 00:17:54,441
That'll be $900.
381
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,876
Here's 50 bucks.
Keep the change, brother.
382
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,313
Um, I said $900.
383
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:00,780
I can't hear you.
We're very old.
384
00:18:00,814 --> 00:18:02,115
Start drinking, Margaret.
385
00:18:02,148 --> 00:18:05,619
CHARLIE:
Excuse me.
386
00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:07,587
Um, it's my friend Margaret's
birthday,
387
00:18:07,621 --> 00:18:09,889
and she would like
to sing a song
388
00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:13,560
from her 1971
poorly titled album, Carpet.
389
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,095
Oh, no, what is that
banana head doing?
390
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:19,065
Come on, Margaret. You don't
give a crap what people think.
391
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,434
Remember? In the bathroom?
392
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,402
After I said we should have sex
in the forest?
393
00:18:22,436 --> 00:18:26,139
Stop talking, Charlie.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
394
00:18:29,343 --> 00:18:31,945
Hey, uh, sir, this-this isn't
a credit card, man.
395
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:33,347
This is a room key.
396
00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:35,349
So what's the holdup?
Charge it to my room.
397
00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:39,353
Put a couple of burgers
on there, too.
398
00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:41,455
(clears throat)
Hi, uh, I'm Margaret.
399
00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:43,022
This one is called
"A Fresh Shag,
400
00:18:43,056 --> 00:18:46,793
"Parenthesis, Can't Cover
an Untreatable Stain,
401
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:48,127
Close Parenthesis."
402
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:51,898
My girl needs
some mad title help.
403
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:57,437
* After all the years
404
00:18:57,471 --> 00:19:01,508
* We've spent together
405
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:07,213
* So many stains
you've left on me *
406
00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:09,683
* Well, I've tried
407
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:13,353
* And I've tried
to scrub them out *
408
00:19:13,387 --> 00:19:15,855
* But I can't
409
00:19:15,889 --> 00:19:21,194
* Bleach out
our messed-up history *
410
00:19:21,227 --> 00:19:25,899
Did I just drink 15 shots,
or does this sound kind of good?
411
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:27,867
* But a fresh shag
412
00:19:27,901 --> 00:19:32,338
* Can't cover
an untreatable stain *
413
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,708
* Because the stain
is the pain *
414
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,643
* And the pain, it remains
415
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:39,646
* And it won't go away.
416
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,048
To Margaret!
417
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:43,683
(whooping)
418
00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:45,752
It's time for you guys to go.
419
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,522
All right, we're going.
Um, Sid, grab the bottle.
420
00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:50,924
Come on, guys. We got to go now.
421
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:53,693
Thank you, Tucson. Good night!
422
00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:56,996
Hey.
423
00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:59,198
Your song was pretty cool.
424
00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:00,366
Oh, thanks, I...
425
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,236
I didn't do it for you, loser.
I did it for me.
426
00:20:10,744 --> 00:20:14,280
Hey, thanks, you guys,
for last night.
427
00:20:14,313 --> 00:20:17,851
Screw you guys
for this hangover.
428
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:20,186
I really should be dead.
429
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,389
I'm not certain I'm not.
430
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,459
Why are you all screaming?
431
00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:30,630
I can't reach my juice.
432
00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:36,102
Pancake party.
433
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:38,204
Wow, you guys smell.
434
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,440
I'm a post-breakfast brusher.
435
00:20:40,474 --> 00:20:42,041
No, I meant you smell
like alcohol.
436
00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:44,811
I guess somebody
had a good time last night.
437
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:48,147
(groans) Miss Jennifer!
438
00:20:48,181 --> 00:20:50,316
When I get my strength back,
439
00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:54,353
I'm gonna hunt you down,
and I'm gonna kill you.
440
00:20:56,790 --> 00:20:58,792
What? No syrup?
441
00:20:58,825 --> 00:21:01,094
Okay, I gotcha.
442
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:04,063
Little hair of the dog, boys?
443
00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:08,434
(all groan)
444
00:21:08,468 --> 00:21:11,971
Well, we did promise
to give these a shot.
445
00:21:12,005 --> 00:21:13,840
(clears throat)
446
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:18,111
-Oh, hell, yeah.
-Yeah.
447
00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:22,549
Why didn't we just stay home
last night and eat these?
448
00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:25,318
That's pretty good.
449
00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:32,759
You've made the cut
with The Cool Kids.
450
00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:35,194
Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.
33046
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