Original subtitles

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[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGING] Everybody tells me That it's so hard to make it

It's so hard to break in

There's no way to fake it

Everybody tells me That it's wrong what I'm feeling

I shouldn't believe in The dreams that I'm dreaming

I hear it every day

I hear it all the time

I'm never gonna amount to much But they're never gonna change my mind

Tell me, tell me Tell me somethin' I don't know

Somethin' I don't know

Somethin' I don't know

How many inches in a mile? What it takes to make you smile?

Get you not to treat me like A child, baby

DOMINIQUE: Mary!

How can I be an artist when you can't be bothered to do your job?

Which, by the way, is fetching me bubbly water.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

- Are you trying to ruin me? - I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

There are people who would just kill for this job.

Important people.

Bubble me now or you're grounded. Stay out of my dressing room.

I hate your energy. It's ugly and sad and lonely.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much, Mary. That was the last bottle of bubbly.

No, thank you, Britt. Your mom's gonna kill me.

- Not my problem. - So true.

Um, they told me to tell you you're holding the whole shoot up.

And you work for us, in case you forgot.

Oh, how could I ever forget?

Oh, it's a tragic story. Her mother was one of my dancers.

Truth to tell, probably the weak link.

But then she died.

And I needed some help around the house, so I took her little brat in.

I'm really a saint, you know?

Dominique, turtledove. Listen, we're a bit behind schedule.

What I need from you is I need you to be a little cuddle...

...and shake that moneymaker before I'm brown bread.

I have no idea what you are saying.

What's with the attitude?

We are so good to you.

You may live in the 90210, but you're still just a zero.

We live in the 90211, genius.

DOMINIQUE: Mary, bubbles! Now!

Coming, Dominique.

Is that true?

MAN: 3C, take one. Mark.

[SINGING] I'm on hold for you

I keep pushing number one and two

DOMINIQUE: That's me, Dominique.

I'm singing my number-one hit, "On Hold 4 You."

[SINGING] For an hour or two On hold for you

DOMINIQUE: You know, I'm not just a pop star, I'm also a human being.

And I've suffered from embarrassing back acne for years.

When they used to shoot my music videos...

...they had to digitally remove my entire back...

...and my arms...

...and my legs.

I looked terrible and I sued everyone. It was embarrassing.

Not since I've been using Baby Got Bacne Vanishing Cream.

MAN: Baby Got Bacne works by destroying blemishes...

... pores and all surrounding skin.

[SINGING] I like clear skin and that's the truth

All you sisters just look uncouth

You give your man a heart attack

'Cause you got acne on your back

Baby Got Bacne

MAN: Live bacne-free.

I'm not gonna do that old lizard's talk show again.

He's got a serious case of the grab-hands.

Not that I mind that sort of thing from someone under 90.

This semester is so gonna rock.

Oh, tell me something I don't know.

Because I know that and I know everything.

- There's laundry to do. MARY: Okay.

He's coming back for the rest of the year.

I mean, how hot is that?

Like surface-of-the-sun hot.

- Don't you dare turn on that TV set. - Okay.

- Yeah. - Turn it, turn it, turn it.

I'm here at Beverly Glen High School, where there's nothing but buzz, buzz, buzz.

Fresh from his fourth world tour...

... teen heartthrob Joey Parker has decided to bring his triple threat of singing...

... dancing and breaking hearts back home to the Hills.

[SINGING] That girl, baby

Oh...

She knew she's just that girl She knew she's just that girl

[CHATTERING]

WOMAN: Joey, can you give me any information...

... about what you're doing in the future?

Just get back to my roots, take my senior year off, go back to school.

I'm just trying to keep it real.

How does JP plan to keep it real?

Joey and his record label are sponsoring a huge dance competition...

... where one lucky student will win the opportunity...

... to dance with JP in his next video.

So all you dancers in waiting, it's time to get your freak on.

DOMINIQUE: Mary, I need you pronto, now. You forgot to TiVo my soaps.

Oh...

Sorry, Dominique, I'll be right there.

Can you feel that?

- What? - I'm choking you from a distance.

Choking you!

- Hey. TAMI: Hey. What up?

Tami, you should really get this thing fixed.

Thing? Don't hurt her feelings or she'll break down for good.

We have to respect the Great Pumpkin.

[TRANSMISSION GRINDING]

You're so weird, Tami.

Hey, you think my leather goes with my tutu?

You look amazing, as always.

It's a Tami original.

I figured I should dress in style for our last semester together, ever.

Aw... Do you think you could survive senior year without me?

I'm gonna start my own clothing line and become a billionaire.

And you'll be a superstar in dance school...

...and on weekends, I'll pick you up in my private jet and we'll go shopping in Paris.

- Wow. - Embrace your awesomeness.

Tami, I have to get into dance school before I embrace my awesomeness.

Shut up, you're gonna get in.

Don't even pretend to think otherwise.

Yeah, I'm telling you. Seriously, it's better for your skin.

It's called the one-sip diet.

[GIGGLES]

I am so sorry, Mary. I didn't even see you standing there.

It's like you were totally invisible.

Check out my totally invisible finger.

- Halloween was in October, tutu. - Then why are you dressed like a tool?

That was code for "Your butt rules." Which it totally does.

Tell me something I don't know.

Oh, my God. It's Joey Parker!

[SCREAMING]

I love drama. It's so dramatic.

- Let's go before we get trampled. - Okay.

Hey.

What's up, everybody?

GIRL: Oh, my God. - Oh.

Make way, people. No touching.

God, all right, JP's here.

Hey, Joey, party at my house on Friday, dude.

I'm gonna be in your contest, Joey. You wanna practice in private?

Maybe. Ha-ha.

- Oh, my God. I love you so much. - Hey, thanks.

That's nasty. JP, step over that.

[LAUGHING]

I don't want you to feel like a prepackaged piece of meat.

Your words, not mine.

I just want you to chillax. And remember, I got your bacne.

- I got bacne, you got bacne, we got bacne... - Don't even get started with her.

MARY: Ow! Oh...

Sorry. Sorry, I wasn't looking, I just...

NATALIA: Hey, Joey, long time no kiss.

TAMI: A