All language subtitles for Kidding S01E05 MultiSubs 720p x264-StB

Previously on Kidding...

Bought the house
next to Jill's.

And why would you
do that?

They need me.

Did Will do that?

When I told him to stop
stealing my debit card.

I'm sick, Dee Dee.

I don't know
what's wrong with me.

Name one happy child
of divorce.

Have you ever seen
the movie Robocop?

We need versions of him
we can control.

In six weeks,
I'm gonna be dead.

Then why are you getting
a pedicure?

Get me Tara Lipinski.

Tear that little shit apart,
Jeffrey!

Tear that little shit apart,
Jeffrey!

Yeah, that's it!

He's coming back for you!
Come on!

Don't take
that shit, Jeff!

Get him!

Come on!
Get him!

Knock his teeth
down his throat!

Derrell...

Check out
the new you.

My wife's always saying
I should indulge,

but they're expensive,
aren't they?

My manager likes me
to close a sale

by bending down in front of you
to check the toe,

and so you can see my chest.

That's when I'm really
supposed to say,

"Check out the new you."

But it feels weird
to give Mr. Pickles

the hard sell.

No, no, I like the line.
You can say it again.

But I'll check the toe.

So...how's your
treatment been coming along?

Uh, can you...
ask me something else?

Mm-hmm... Ooh!
The table keeps wobbling.

Yeah, your elbows.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Excuse me. Are you our...
Waiter. Great.

Can I have
the porterhouse, please?

Rare, like a good vet
can save it?

I don't need a vegetable.

Also, a basket
of truffle cornbread.

Also, a plastic bear of honey.
Thank you.

Oh, you're hungry.

No, I-I...

I mean, I haven't been hungry
in, like, six months.

Of course.
Sorry.

C-can you come back?
I-I don't know what I want yet.

Then why did you call
the waiter over?

- Good God.
- Watch your elbows.

- Elbows, I know.
- Yes.

Those pills
are just keeping me alive.

Don't worry. Dinner's on me.

No, no, no,
you don't have to...

...do that.

No, really.

The fine folks at Discover
haven't seen my X-rays.

They don't know
I'm not paying

another bill for the rest
of my life.

Fat fucking table!

What did you just say?

I don't know.

I have a tremendous amount
of pent-up anger,

and I don't know where it's
coming from or how to stop it.

And every day
it grows and grows,

and I know I dress
like a Mormon

and I talk like a monk,

but inside,
I'm Mount St. Helens,

and it's 1980, and I am magma
from the neck down.

You're so handsome.

You're so beautiful.

From now on, when I text you
the letter V,

it means I came
thinking about you.

I like...

your knobby knees.

I like the bend
in your shoulder.

I like the space
under your chin.

I like the way that...

your feet touch the carpet.

It's definitely working now.

That's ASMR...

Autonomous sensory
meridian response.

Whispering triggers it.

It relaxes you.

Oh.

Let the machine get it.

More head tingles, please.

Okay.

History's mysteries...

...include the Tunguska event

- in Russia...
- Mm-hmm.

You've reached

- Jeff...
- - Jill...

- Will...
- And Phil.

We're the Pickles!

Leave a message,
pickle pals.

You've reached Jeff...

- Jill...
- Will...

I need you
to right-hand Soap Scum.

Why?

But it's... it's not
on the schedule.

I wrote a song about clouds.

What kind of clouds?

Clouds made of tears?

What are you trying to say
with this song?

It's just a normal song
about normal clouds.

Huh.

I think Vivian's
my girlfriend.

I like saying that.

It's not appropriate right now,
but down the line,

you should probably
both meet her.

Wow.
Congratulations.

Yeah, congratulations.

- That would be great, yeah.
- Wonderful news.

It's a big step.

Oh, he hates me.

Oh, he doesn't do that.

Don't be scared, Hopscotch!

They're just clouds!

They're rain clouds.

Rain clouds thunder
and crash.

I like when clouds are shaped
like turtles and bunnies.

But clouds are all made
of the same thing... water.

Come on, big toes!

If I ain't afraid of water,
how can you be?

I'm closer to the clouds
than you.

Not anymore!

Maybe this woman

with the broken phone
and the Hodgkin's lymphoma

is really helping him
turn the corner.

- Maybe this is all he needed.
- Maybe.

Now he wrote
a song about clouds,

and it's really just
about clouds.

Listen.

We're gonna have
to reshoot this, Dee.

Why?

He's not wearing
a wedding ring.

- Mr. Pickles is married.
- To whom?

It doesn't matter.

Mrs. Pickles.

He's got to put
the ring back on.

Please don't
ask him to do that.

I have to.

But what if this is
the start of his upswing?

It's not.

Whoo!

Or maybe we hold off...

on Other Jeff,
just for the week,

see where we are.

She's already
in my office, Dee.

I'm sorry.

I don't have to tell you
what happens

to a generation of children

breast-fed on the electric
nipple of technology.

Lack of empathy,

inability to create
meaningful human connections,

war.

It's like someone dropped
a toaster in the gene pool.

Every day a child
stares at a screen

catapults us closer
to societal collapse.

Unless...

Pickles on Ice.

Nothing would make me happier
than spreading cheer to...

A marriage born out of
the Puppet Time universe,

a story told
in the real world

with your characters
come to life,

starring Mr. Pickles himself,

in person,

as played by your ideal
brand ambassador...

Olympic gold medalist,
Miss Tara Lipinski.

If anyone was born
to represent

that which you hold
most dear,

it's this athletic,
wholesome young woman.

Yes.
I'm also a spokesperson

for the Campaign
for Tobacco-Free Kids

and the Childhood Leukemia
Foundation.

Oh...

So, um...

she, uh, would play me?

We, uh, pre-record
all dialogue,

so it's your voice
and her graceful body

melting hearts,
freezing ice.

Yeah, well...

...I'd like a day
to think about it.

No.

Why not?

Because it's my face
on another body.

Well, it's all happening.

I hope you'll get on board.

But I said no.

It was 1987.

You told me
about this school project,

this puppet show
you were working on

for the OSU TV station.

I said,
"Let me build on this."

You said, "Dad,

I don't want a contract.

I want a rule,
one rule...

We give it away."

That was the Jeff rule, Jeff.

If we gave most
of our salaries to charity,

I could make
all the decisions.

You didn't even want
an office.

I said I didn't want a desk.

I have saved the whales.

I have saved the children.

Your sister
started a school in Belize

for girls
with Belizean problems.

All that extra cash goes

exactly where
you want it to go.

We have abided. All I'm asking
is just this one thing.

Am I right, Dee Dee?

Jeff...

What's one more Jeff?

The world needs more Jeffs.

You're not just copying me

onto the body
of a 30-year-old woman.

You're imbuing her
with my full authority.

Her actions
become my actions,

her mistakes, my mistakes,

her mammaries,
my mammaries.

W-when you think about it,

what's the difference
between that

and the already internationally
licensed versions of the show?

In a way, there's already

a copy of you
in over 20 countries.

There's a difference between
Mr. Pickles-san of Japan

or Monsieur Cornichon
du France

or Herr Gherkin
von Deutschland.

I don't speak
those languages.

They wear
different-colored ties.

No child is gonna think
they're me and I'm them.

But Tara Lipinski
would be wearing my skin.

Eh, you're splitting hairs.

No, I'm not.

It's a slippery slope.

What's next, you make
a doll of me

that'll say
whatever you want?

Or a cartoon...
that's even worse.

Soon you won't need me
anymore.

What are you talking about,
Jeff?

Sometimes I think
that's what you want.

Sometimes I know
that's what you want.

A talking doll
is just commerce,

and animating you...
I hope we don't need to,

but that's all gonna depend
on your behavior.

Why do you want
to replace me?

No one is replacing you.

Come on, Jeff.
Come on.

Let's go,
and let's meet...

the writers I hired.

What writers?

Rabbi Michael Epstein

holds a PhD
in child development.

Yeah, I'm a man of God,
but I'm also funny.

Grace Kasaki,

a graduate researcher
from OSU.

She just published
an article

in the Journal
of Pediatric Sciences...

The One Thing You Should
Never Feed a Child.

It's wheat.

And Shelly Pinsker

runs a popular Columbus-area
mommy blog.

I'm new to dialogue,
but I'm exc...

Whew.

We've never had writers before.

I'm setting it up
in case one day

you don't want
to do this anymore.

I'm giving you
the peace of mind

to know all this will continue,
regardless.

Regardless of what?

How is Will's drug problem?
Better?

Worse.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Don't you wish you could
spend more time with him?

Well, now you can.

Jeff?

What?

We also need you

to reshoot your cloud song.

Why?

Your wedding ring.

I'm sorry, kiddo.

I know we're piling
it on today.

I was thinking,

with the show

going through all this
healthy upheaval,

what harm could it do
to introduce...

m-m-me?

Roly Polly,

the fearful pill bug.

I love you, honey.

You're not a performer.

Bye-bye.

I want to voice a puppet.

You said
when Jeff leaves the show,

I become the heart
of the operation.

No, no. You're not the heart
of anything.

You become the brains,
not the heart.

Why can't I be the heart?

Oh, yes,
now I see.

We're back in our living room.
He's seven, you're eight.

He's belting Streisand
in perfect pitch,

and you're in the kitchen

accidentally dropping
frying pans.

You're good
at building corpses, Dee Dee.

You're not so great
at bringing things to life.

That is Jeff's territory.

- That is not true!
- Oh, yes.

It was true when you were
a girl and you had Barbie

read Emily Dickinson
to an empty room,

and it was true
when you got older,

what with the in vitro.

Wow.

I'm not inventing a theme here.
I'm exposing one.

You're good at the quiet arts,
like conveying disdain.

See?

Please, can I puppet
the pill bug?

I need it.

I need it.
I need something for myself.

My marriage is falling apart.

It just feels that way
because you dislike each other.

I think Scott might be gay.

Oh, no, he's not.
Trust me.

I'm a Navy man.
You're fine, Dee Dee.

Jeff's breaking down,
but you're doing great.

Okay?

Okay.

My name is Roly Polly.

Whoo.

Mickey Foyerstein.

Who?

Oh, t-this kid who got
kidnapped by an ice cream man.

At first, I heard he got to eat
any ice cream bar for free,

so I was jealous.

Then I heard
he got molested,

and I was like, "Ah, sucks."

Did you know him?

Nah, but I've been trying
to think of his name

ever since I learned that
that old dude's

been creeping on us
in his creep coupe.

You, kid.

Get in the car.

Okay.

Don't do it, man!
Think of Mickey.

Or else he would have lost
his innocence for nothing!

- Okay, look me in the eye.
- Hello! Help!

Where's the weed?

- I, uh, don't have any.
- Somebody! Help!

You don't have any?

What the hell
are we gonna smoke?

He's gonna touch
your genitals!

Listen!

I'm so glad
you're here with me tonight.

I really missed you.

I saw my mom and Peter
watching this earlier.

Here.

There was
some stuff going on.

I hate this.

Do you want me
to turn it off?

No.

I just
want to cook you some pasta,

then twirl it around
on the plate.

Boy, this is some
dank ganj, huh?

What?

You like it?

- Yeah.
- Good.

'Cause that's the last time

you're ever
gonna smoke weed, kid.

You are breaking
your father's heart

with this shit,
you understand me?

You're breaking his heart.

What about
behind the school?

Nah, man.

That's a total no-go.

Special Ed is practicing
archery in the woods.

Want to come get blazed?

We don't know where yet.

Archery day, huh?

Yeah, all week.

The woods are not safe.

No, man,
I'm actually, you know,

trying to eat healthier,
smoke less.

Oh.
Same.

Whatever, lesbians.

There you go.

Ah, dope kicks.

I like the way
I feel in them.

They're dope kicks.

When I want
to let it out...

...sometimes I go swimming,

see how long
I can hold my breath.

One time, I blacked out.

Good thing there was
a lifeguard on duty.

Or sometimes, I'll, uh,

blow really hard
into a harmonica.

That's really good.

When I was Will's age,
I'd go skating.

Skate it off.

Well, you're pretty good
at it.

Yeah.

I'm no Olympian... yet.

Oh.
Well, I don't think...

you want to tour meth country
in an ice show.

No, but I don't like
that he can make another me.

I like to feel necessary.

There's a really great quote

from the Y-Yajurveda.

It's a Hindu text.
It'll solve all your problems.

It says...

"Punch your fucking father
in the face."

Do you know how many people
I've punched in the face

ever since I stopped caring
about going to jail?

Three, including
my oncologist.

- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.

Six dollars
for a slice of pizza?

That's, like, a $30 meal.

Who comes in here
that can afford that?

My boss says global warming

iced out the tomato crops
this year, so...

- Can you hang on a sec?
- Can you just please

stop yelling at me?

Excuse me.

Whatever anybody wants

for the rest of the day
is free.

Like, start a tab?

I don't... don't think
I'm allowed to do that.

Sure you can.

Give this to yourself.

It feels wonderful.

Thank you, Mr. Pickles.

- Thanks, dude.
- Thanks, Mr. Pickles.

Saving the world.

Nah...

feeding it.

I asked my parents to come up
for a week after my next round.

They said it was too cold.

They live in Jersey.

Well...

this is a difficult time
for them, too.

They're afraid to know
a world without you.

No, they're upset
that I went

with the recommendations
of my doctors

and not something that my dad
found on WebMD.

Sorry, your card's
been declined.

I-it keeps giving me
the code you get

when they place a hold on it
due to suspicious activity.

Will.

Do you take Discover?

May I enter the residence?

Yeah, just wipe your feet.

Hi.
You've reached Jill and Will.

And sometimes Peter.

Please leave a message
after the tone.

Have you been using
my debit card?

I don't think so.

You haven't used it
to buy anything online

or anything like that?

No.

I promise.

A plumber was applying
for a job in a building.

The building manager said,
"Are you a good plumber?"

And the plumber said,
"Yes, I'm the best plumber."

The building manager asked...

"Have you ever made
a mistake?"

And the plumber said, "Never."

"Then how can I hire you?"...

...the manager replied.

"If you make a mistake,
you won't know how to fix it."

That doesn't make
any sense.

Why would the plumber need
to know how to fix a mistake

if his whole thing
is that he never makes them?

- Everybody makes mistakes.
- Oh, so the plumber was lying?

That's not what I'm saying.

Well, if he isn't lying,
then it seems pretty unfair

that he's getting passed up
for a worse plumber

just because the manager
has a fetish for fuckups.

- Will!
- I didn't use your debit card.

Our words have power.

- If you're not careful...
- Shut up!

Stop talking!
Stop with the lessons!

We get it!
You always know what to say!

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I don't want you
to talk.

I want you to listen.

I'm your dad.

I'm always listening.

Doesn't matter.

Poppy already sat me down

and told me everything you're
probably gonna say any...

He what?
When?

Yesterday, and it took him
about five words

to say what takes you 100.

He's not me.

Peter's not me.

Tara Lipinski's not me.

Whatever.

Please don't send Poppy
to kidnap me.

He's old,
and he scares my friends.

I need to talk to him.

God damn it.

Hey, did you accidentally

text me a bunch
of Js this morning?

You know, I'm always
on your side,

no matter what,
and I just...

I can't wait to meet Vivian.
She seems really cool.

And, you know, they're always
curing new stuff.

Do you think
I have a heart?

Tear that little shit apart,
Jeffrey!

Tear that little shit apart,
Jeffrey!

Hi, I'm Jeff.

Hello, this is Citibank,

early fraud
detection department.

A suspicious transaction
in the amount

of $678.43

was charged
to Bartleby's Shoes

on Sunday, October 14th.

Please press one to confirm
you made this transaction.

On your way
to archery, retard?

I know a place
where we can light up.

- I thought you quit.
- Whatever.

- Whose house is this?
- Yeah.

My new invisible neighbor.

- It's empty?
- Yeah.

No one moved in.
It's just sitting here.

Et voilà.