Original subtitles

- What?! No! - No, no, no! No, come on!

They didn't even tell us who murdered the queen!

Ugh.

You know what? It's all good.

The next episode starts in ten seconds.

Yes.

You know, should we watch this next episode,

or should we do what we normally do on Saturday nights?

Unload the dishwasher?

Why would I use my sexy voice for that?

I'm talking about, you know...

Oh. Ooh.

Yeah, let's do that.

All right.

Or we could just watch one more episode.

Ah. God, I love you.

I love you, too.

Nope. We should just do it now,

- or it's never gonna happen. - Totally agree. Totally agree.

You know what? I'm gonna go, uh, wolf down

a piece of that garlic bread so it's not just on your breath.

Maybe take a bite of a deviled egg, too.

...is calling it quits...

Wait, Jake, look, they're talking about your client on TV.

Big news today, multi-platinum Australian singer Cooper James

has split with his movie star flame Sierra Quinn.

I know. It's such a shame

because we all thought that relationship

could have lasted well into next week.

Is this gonna affect you?

No, I'm just Cooper's accountant.

You know what we need is some tunes.

Alexa! Play "Jake's New Sex Mix."

Playing BBC News at Six.

Every day, 12-year-old Ekemma

must walk through her violence-soaked village,

avoiding the same rebels who raped and murdered her mother.

Shut up, Alexa!

Who could that be?

Hi. Is this Jake's house?

Ooh.

That's Cooper James.

Why-why is, why is Cooper James at our door?

Um... uh...

Cooper James, hi. It is so nice to meet you.

- You must be Claire. - Hi.

- Ooh, another one. - Oh. A third.

I should've taken a Dramamine.

Sorry. Sorry to barge in on you like this, Jake,

but I'm having a bit of an emergency.

Ooh, an accounting emergency.

I've been waiting my whole life for this.

No, the, uh... the paparazzi are after me since this breakup,

and I need a safe place to hide, so I thought,

who is an ordinary guy

living an ordinary life in a totally ordinary place...

Feel free to stop saying "ordinary."

I, uh... Is it at all possible that I crash here

till this all dies down?

- Oh, uh... - Oh. Uh...

Wait, I wasn't interrupting anything, was I?

- No. - No.

No, we were just sitting watching TV.

- Yeah, just TV and... - And eating Chex Mix.

Playing "Jake's Sex Mix."

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

So, I talked to Cooper's manager, and, uh,

Wayne thinks this will all blow over in a couple of weeks.

Jake, we're not cool enough

to host a guy like Cooper for that long.

Look at the reminders popping up on his phone.

Okay?

"Studio session with Rihanna."

"Dinner at The Met.

Get fitted for a wax sculpture."

We have scented candles, and this kid is becoming a candle.

Claire-bear.

My nickname in college was "Dr. Dunk." Okay?

You once got pulled up on stage by Sir Dave Matthews.

It's not like we're new to the game.

I don't think anyone calls it "the game" anymore.

Trust me, babe, the key to handling famous people

is just to not try that hard.

Coop-burger!

How'd you schnooze?

Great. Hey, I hope you don't mind,

but I didn't bring any, uh, clothes,

so I just grabbed a couple things from your closet.

Those are from my closet.

And they look amazing on you.

They do.

So, uh, do you guys mind if I hang out with you today?

Aren't you going fly-fishing with Jaden Smith?

I'm just loving how simple things are here.

Life with Sierra was always so fancy, but...

you guys literally put an "eat" sign on the wall

'cause that's what you do in a kitchen.

Yeah, picked that bad boy up from Costco.

It's a private store, but, uh, I can get you on the list.

Yeah. Yeah, being here is reminding me so much of my life

before all this craziness.

You know, when I was in Australia,

living with my parents.

Parents.

- Oh. - Oh.

You're not kidding.

Um, we're only, like, ten years older than you.

Don't mind her, dude.

She's new to the game.

What game?

Hey, man, you want to goose some 'stree with me?

Some 'stree. You want to goose it?

He's-he's offering you a pastry in a very weird voice.

You are so lucky you get to eat whatever you want.

- Oh, my God. - Right?

- Oh, my God. - Yup.

Claire!

This is the best thing ever.

What would someone call this?

Someone would call that a Toaster Strudel.

- You've got to give me the recipe. - Oh.

Oh, it's easy: you just put it in a toaster, and you hit down.

Amazing. So, uh, what are you up to?

Oh, I'm just syncing up Jake and my work calendars for the week.

I, uh, design restaurants and bars.

That's so cool. Any places I would know?

Oh, uh, well, the last place was this French restaurant

called Le Jardin Bleu.

Are you serious?

That is literally my favorite restaurant.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, I eat there every time I'm in Morocco.

Oh.

Um, well, I designed the one that is in the Best Buy Mall,

um, just north of Oxnard.

Well, I can't wait to try it someday.

What's "Saturday night course work"?

- What? - What's "Saturday night course work"?

What's what-what-what-what?

"Saturday night course work."

All right, look, man.

So, my assistant has access to our calendar, right?

Mm-hmm.

So "course" is short for "intercourse."

What?

- Intercourse. - What?

Making sex!

Yeah, we put it in the calendar so we don't go

more than a week without having it.

- Ah. - Yeah.

Well, I guess I can relate.

Yeah, with Sierra, we often had to schedule breaks

- in our sex life... - Right.

...because we were having so much of it.

Right, right.

And, um, I developed a condition

my doctors identified as "stud pole."

Mm. "Stud pole."

Or, as I like to call it, "college."

Okay. He dated one girl the whole time,

and you're looking at her.

Hey, I was, uh, actually gonna sneak away

to a private club tonight if you guys wanted to join?

- Oh. - Ooh.

But I... ooh, no, I see you've got a couples massage booked today.

Oh, no. That's, uh... I think you misread that.

That's "couples message."

Yeah, um...

Jake and I are kind of famous with our friends for recording

silly outgoing messages on our landline.

Yeah, we absolutely crushed our last one.

- Hit him with a taste, C-Train. - No, I don't think...

- Come on, girl. - ♪ Hey, when you get ♪

♪ To the end of the tone ♪

♪ Please leave a message ♪

♪ We'll get back to you, we'll get back to you ♪

♪ Hey, girl ♪

♪ I'm so sad to miss your sweet, sweet voice, but, uh ♪

♪ Why don't you lay down a smooth track with your deets ♪

♪ And, uh, I'll get back ♪

♪ A'ight? ♪

It's so g... It's so great.

I can't...

- Ah... - Ah...

Cooper, we would love to come out with you tonight.

Whoa.

Oh, my God.

This place is incredible.

Guys, this is my security guard, Nightmare.

Ha-ha! Nightmare.

What up, player?

Yeah.

Okay, Jake, are we too lame to be here?

No.

Yes!

How am I doing?

Uh, maybe try using your upper body, too.

It's lovely you're having fun.

Shots!

Ooh.

Yeah! Yeah!

Best Sunday night ever!

Yeah! Yeah!

Nightmare!

Next time.

Jake?

Jake!

Yeah, I'll slam another Bud Light Lime.

What happened last night?

Well, I know we came home to get it on...

...uh, but you wanted to grab a quick snack,

and I went upstairs to change into a sexier outfit.

And then did we get it on?

- I don't think so. - Oh.

Ugh, I am so hungover.

There is no way that I could go to work today.

And I am so sore from all that dancing.

Holy crap, it's Rylie Connors.

Ugh, yeah, it's just some fluff piece.

But man, look at her butt. I just want to bite it.

Hi. This is my friend Rylie.

Rylie, this is, uh, Jake and Claire Davis.

You have a very nice home, Mr. and Mrs. Davis.

"Mrs. Davis"?

What do you think...

Rylie! Rylie, I mean, come on. Girl child.

Jake and I are just like you guys.

We're young and fun and... full of beans.

"Mr. Davis" makes me sound like some sort of

old man, which I am not.

Oh, I got it. I got it.

Last night was so crazy.

Um, are you... are you not hungover?

Oh, I just decided years ago

to never let alcohol make me hungover.

Dude, same.

Uh, Claire-bear, could you do me a quick slice

and tilt this baby back up?

Thank you.

Anyway, we've been out all night,

so, uh, we're gonna go to bed.

Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Davis.

Okay.

We're barely older than you.

Baby, you passed out in your cereal.

Look, someone secretly took photos of me

dancing with Cooper at that nightclub.

"Cooper James seems to have traded in

"his 19-year-old Lamborghini Sierra

for what appears to be a 40-year-old cargo van."

What the hell? They cropped me out of the picture.

Our phones are blowing up.

Everyone we know thinks I'm having an affair with Cooper.

Oh, here's one from my dad.

"I told you, if you stopped working out, you'd lose her."

Jake, this is so embarrassing.

Now my boss knows that I lied about being sick,

and everyone else thinks that I'm an adulterer.

Do you think you're overreacting just a little?

I don't think so.

Look at this e-mail I just got from our pastor.

"Can you get me concert tickets,

or was this a 'hit it and quit it' situation?"

Aw, look.

Us Weekly is calling Cooper's mystery girl

"an inspiration to bland women everywhere."

Claire! Claire! Claire!

- Jake! Jake! - Jake!

Mom, Dad, what-what are you doing here?

I was making smoothies for us this morning,

and I realized I didn't have enough vodka, so...

so I ran out to the store

to get another case, and I see this.

My daughter cheating on her husband

with the singer of my favorite workout music.

How could you do this?

Claire, you've ruined Zumba for me.

Jake, I hate that this has happened to you.

Look, you're a good guy, and I think

I speak for both Bonnie and me when I say

take care and good luck.

Thanks for everything.

Okay, guys, stop.

I am not having an affair with Cooper.

He is Jake's client, and he is just staying with us.

- Morning, guys. - Oh!

Hey. H-Hey. Whoa.

Okay.

Cooper, I'm sorry. These are my parents.

Okay. It's so lovely to meet you.

Oh. Oh, that's... oh. Ha! Ho, ho!

How about one in the middle? Balance it out.

Hey, why don't we park ourselves in the living room

and get to know each other over a glass of lemonade?

No. This our home. You can't just loiter here all day.

Ooh!

Now, who has a lemon?

All right, I know you guys are doctors and everything,

but is it possible that you're drinking too much?

Jake, everyone knows that you can't be an alcoholic

if you're retired.

Oh.

Oh. Jake.

I am tired and hungover,

and I am currently the most famous cougar on the planet.

And now my parents are going to never stop coming over.

Yeah, you're right. This is too much.

We have to find a way to get Cooper out of our house.

Hey, congratulations, Jake.

If you're gonna get cheated on, at least it's with

a celebrity you can brag about.

How may I help you, Wayne?

I booked Cooper and Sierra a lucrative photo spread

in Liquid Magazine.

Sierra loves the idea, but Cooper's not answering my calls.

I'm his manager, Jake. He should be taking my calls.

Well, yeah, but I think he's trying to, you know,

take a break from all that craziness, you know?

Sure. But I'm just gonna text you Sierra's number

while you think about this.

As soon as he moves back in with her,

you'll get your house back to start repairing things

with the lady Us Weekly is calling

"the hottest regular woman in greater Encino."

Oh, who could that be?

Sierra Quinn. What a surprise.

You must be Jake and Chloe.

Well, uh, my name's Claire.

Pass.

Sierra, what-what are you doing here?

I just came to say

that I'm willing to let pylons be pylons.

We're too big a brand to let some old lady

with her original teeth come between us.

No offense, Corky.

That's not even close to "Claire."

I don't know, every time we have the smallest argument,

you get so dramatic.

You saying that makes me want to kill myself.

Jake, are we sure that this is a good idea?

'Cause this girl seems pretty... horrendous.

No...

It's just that these two have taught me that passion

doesn't have to be the driving force in a relationship.

Sometimes it's better to have a pal that you can sleep next to,

like two old friends sharing a hotel room

that accidentally came with one bed.

- Nah. - Okay!

Obviously,

you two have some stuff to figure out,

but it would be a shame to give up on something this good.

That old lady does have a point.

That's nice, but...

I'm kind of enjoying my life here.

Yeah, I-I'm sure, but obviously this can't be permanent.

You know, I mean, you're way too young and cool

to be sitting around on a couch eating popcorn

with some lame married couple.

- That's us. - Yeah.

Yeah, y-you're probably right.

Um, I guess we can give it another try.

Oh, my God! I am over the moose with excitement.

I guess I'll see you next tax season, then.

Hey, you can account on that.

Bye, Cooper. You know, it's been fun.

Oh, you know what,

you take these Toaster Strudel for the road, okay?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Cool. All right.

Uh, hey, uh, thanks for everything.

It was so nice to meet you, Jake.

Bye, Clug.

Clug? That's not even a name!

Cheers. To having our house back.

It's been a week since Cooper left.

Do you think our boy's doing okay?

Cooper is a human dolphin.

He's happy everywhere.

That's true. It was pretty fun having him here, though.

And it had been forever since we'd gone out dancing.

Oh, what is going on in here?

Jake, Claire!

Oh, damn, Jake!

How could you two be getting it on

at a time like this?

You two, you kicked that sweet boy out of your home,

and I want you to see just how sad you've made him.

Cooper, Sierra.

Are you excited to be back together?

Well, we...

I'll tell you what I told Cooper earlier.

He's very happy.

Wow, I don't think I've ever seen Cooper not smiling.

He's miserable.

And do you see what restaurant he's coming out of?

Oh, my God.

Is that Le Jardin Bleu?

No way. He told me he was gonna go,

but I thought he was just saying that.

Turns out he's just a sweet guy.

I mean, it's nice and all, but this is the life

- he's supposed to be leading. - Ugh.

We never should have sent him back to her.

Yeah, right, but...

what's the alternative, have him come live with us?

I don't know, I mean, he needs someone looking out for him,

and he sure as heck isn't getting it

from anyone else in his life.

You're right.

Come on, Claire, let's go get our boy.

- Oh, yay. - Yes.

Oh, man, this is so good, man.

Ouais. Ouais.

C'est très magnifique.

C'est très magnifique, Cooper.

How much longer are we thinking?

I can feel my heartbeat in my face.

What on earth is going on in here?

Hey, guys.

Uh, hey, uh, Cooper.

We need... we need to talk to you.

Ugh. Clug.

Let's take a five.

Let's go.

So good to see you guys.

Wait, it is you guys, right? I-I'm starting to hallucinate.

Uh, can somebody get him down from there, please?

Um, so, Cooper,

we've been thinking that... that maybe you were

a little too hasty in leaving our house.

And I know we just started getting to know you,

but I feel like it's long enough

to know that all th... all this

just, uh... just isn't you, man.

Yeah, and-and even though we said it would be weird

for you to live with a lame married couple like us...

We do think you belong in a place

where you could be an ordinary guy

living an ordinary life with two ordinary people

that really care about you.

Um, who unhooked you?

We're not done here.

Yeah, I-I think we are.

Look, Sierra, you're incredible, but...

being around Jake and Claire this week,

it's made me want something different.

So does that mean you're gonna come live with us for a bit?

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

All right!

I can't believe you're doing this to me.

Alexa, play breakup mix.

Is there anything else I can...

That'll be all, Alexa.

Let's get you home, buddy.

You want to grab some clothes?

- Ah, I look better in your stuff anyway. - Oh.

Oh. Okay, bye, Alexa.

My name is Suzanne.

All right. Saturday night.

- Should we do this? - Yes.

Okay, so I was thinking we'd try a little

Garth Brooks country.

Okay. Easy.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Okay.

♪ Oh, we get calls from all kinds of places ♪

♪ Keep your message short ♪

♪ We'll get back to you ♪

♪ Oh, we get calls ♪

♪ From all kinds of places. ♪

Hey, girl.

Sorry I missed the buttery tones of your sweet, sweet voice,

but, uh, please leave a message, and we'll get back.

A'ight?

Bye!

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.