Original subtitles

FROM HERE ON OUT - Kill or be Kilt (103)

Call sheet says you're the director.

Wut?

Hola, Mr. TV Man.

There might be a part for you in my TV show.

I'm very, very shy.

- Rico! - Sean!

Should I tell you that I can't swim?

Definitely good to know

Oh, no!!! Don't worry! I'll save you!

He's dead.

The impact of the fall must have knocked off his swimsuit.

No tongue in the sex scenes.

He said, no tongue!

Stop being straight!

What!

Gay actor, or no Gay Spy Show.

We have got to make a pact.

You are gay!

(sexy music)

Stop it! Ooh oh!

Yeah! Spank me!

Yeah.

Yeah, spank me sweetie *slap*

♪slap♪ Sam, are you ready?

Rico!

Hola, Mr. Jimmy!

What are you doing?

What's your name? – Patric.

I'm doing Patric.

Okay, and who's Patric?

- Cousin. – Friend.

We are a very friendly family.

I see that.

You wanna join us in? You can be our uncle.

We're being very bad.

- Ooh. – Rico, you know you shouldn't be in here!

Out! This is Sam's dressing room!

Oh! It's a dressing room!

I thought Devina said it was an UNdressing room!

My boo-boo! Let's go, cousin!

♪knocking♪ Sam, you in there?

- They gone? - Ugh, sorry about that.

Lemme see!

Who's gonna believe I'm a serious spy in this?

I have belts wider than this.

This episode's called Kill or be Kilt,

nor Kill or be Mini-Kilt.

Well, you make it look, uh, masculine ish

Why aren't we shooting?

The crew is having a "Non-Union Meeting"

either about money or, if we're lucky, yesterday's

tuna salad sandwiches. Dude, that tuna did taste funky.

This is so hard! How am I supposed to shoot

a second episode season on no money?

I mean, we blew the budget on the first

episode. Well here's some good news.

Everyone's buying that you and I are a couple. – Oh.

This morning I updated my facebook status to

in a relationship. – Ugh! Already?

We just started fake

hooking up! Don't get all lesbian

on me and rush into things.

At least accept my damn request! It's awkward

dating someone that's not even on my friends list.

I've sorta been busy.

You know, Jimmy, maybe, uh, you

should take our relationship a little more seriously.

I just fake came out to everyone I know

this morning and got 216 likes!

It's been a very accepting experience!

I'm sorry. That's sweet.

Thanks! That's all I wanted.

I've been a bad boy! – Why, what did you do?

Just spank me, Uncle Jimmy! – Ah, oh.

Oh yeah. Spank.

Spank me hard! I've been very bad!

♪slap♪ Yes, yes.

(door closes) All right.

♪slap, slap, slap, slap♪

From here on out

There is no more second best

Erase all doubt

I'm better than the rest!

I used to stand aside,

While others plowed ahead,

But now I'm taking charge

My wings are gonna spread.

Don't underestimate me

So listen, here's the deal.

To those who think I'm broken

Look out! I'm at the wheel

From here on out

Everybody cheer! scream and shout!

Get used to it. I'm here!

(busy office music)

Morning, Dotty.

Hold it right there, Randell!

Where do you think you're going? – I need to see Taylor!

Are you an employee?

Did you have a stroke?

You know who I am.

I do. And you need an appointment.

And I'm not seeing one here!

Mr Nukem does have an opening

a week on Tuesday, shall I pensil you in?

Dotty, I am in a hurry!

We need to start shooting soon.

Well, I shall notify Mr Nukem of your

time constraints when he comes out

of a very important meeting.

Or when I feel like it!

Would you like a juice box

while you're waiting? In silence?

Thank you.

But, as you know, time is money.

The company that Taylor

is president of's money.

Don't put that down there!

Were you raised by Neanderthal gypsies?

Or what? USE THE COASTER!

Oh

Sorry!

Sorry isn't going to cut it,

that table costs 12 thousand dollars!

WHAT! gah! ah!

Who's gonna pay 12 thousand dollars for

an okay ish coffee table! That's insane!

I looked it up, it's an original Luigi!

It's a piece of art!

It's an Ampersand!

Randell,

did Taylor eat anything at that

TV Show yesterday that I didn't pack for him?

I I think he had a tuna salad sandwich.

Then that's why he threw up on Brad!

Unbelievable! Ugh!

I told him never to eat anything

you filthy show-people touch!

(stomach gurgling)

Taylor?

You got a minute? - Wuddup Dawg?

I was gonna come watch filming

today, but I have to stay

near the office dealing with a few unexpected

emergencies (stomach gurgling)

Well, I just wanted to let you know

that money came very tight.

Hold that thought. BRAD, get in here and take notes!

Just one minute, I gotta fini - NOW!

So, what is up with this whole, uh

s-e-x thing with you and Guy Dubai?

Oh well, uh, uh.

Sam and I just have this instant

chemistry together . – Oh, chemistry!

Good, good. - I sure don't it

Did I say that out loud? – Little bit.

And what about, uh, everything else?

Like you being way older

than him and stuff?

Oh, well, I'm probably not THAT

much older than Sam. - And, uh, what

about him being, like, way hotter

than you and stuff? – Wow.

Aheh well, we're just attracted

to eachothers minds.

Ahahahahahah!

That's priceless.

Priceless, Brad, are you getting this?

Uh, why are we taking notes?

No reason! Well, there is a reason,

but I'm not going to tell you until next episode!

Next episode!

New York saw an early cut of season one

of Guy Dubai International Gay Spy,

you know, the Hawaiian episode and

they have decided to expand season two!

It is now a full two episodes!

That is TERRIFIC!

Yay! A two Episode season two!

Wow! Well now

we can put more money in the show,

because the crew - Brad, listen

I promised New York that if we

bundled season two

into a full two episodes,

costs would go down, so I am

cutting your budget by 10%.

That's not possible!

We're barely paying people as it is.

Calm down! Calm down! Once the show

starts airing and my new promotion plan

kicks in, advertizers will be begging

for ad time. We'll get a green light

for an unprecedented third season!

Which means we're a hit. And we start

crankin' out episode after episode.

There's no stopping us!

Box DVD sets!

Syndication! The crowd roars!

Roar. – Roar.

Taylor! If you could just

get us two thousand dollars more,

I could make this work.

I double your season

and you nag about money?

Where is the love?

It's there. It's

it's buried under a thin layer of reality,

but it's there!

That's the spirit (stomach gurgling). Now, out

both of you. I need to lay

my head on my desk until

my tummy feels better (continued stomach gurgling)

(farts and groans)

By the way,

congratulations on dating Sam. It's

unbelievable. – Thanks.

And while we're alone, I was wondering

if I could talk to you a minute, uh

about the show.

Are you gonna ask me for a roll?

Heh heh! No, of course not.

I'd be happy with a small one.

Brad!

You're just an office worker

at Here TV. Guy Dubai is

a professional cable television show

with real actors.

You gave that maid a part.

Yes, but she's a talented actress

and she brings something else to

the table as well. A free location.

Well, then, Jimmy,

I can bring

something to the table, too.

I'm listening.

Free office supplies.

Oh!

Brad! Ooh!

Poor, naive Brad! – What!

I'm a producer now!

I've known where the supply room was my first day of auditions.

You're gonna have to do much better

than that. Excuse me.

I have a crew to bribe with

free pink highlighters and toilet seat covers.

♪fart, fart♪ Brad! Potty emergency!

Man your stations, this is not a drill!

♪fart♪

Okay, you just might need one of these

I took the last box.

(spy music)

(squirt sounds)

♪plane flying noise, interrupted by geese♪

(bagpipe music) Fiona! Fiona!

Enough with the Bleedin' Bagpipes!

(bagpipes fade off sadly) What's so important that you be shouting

clear across Locknee Village Tavern about, Haggis?

I was just wondering what

you might be recommending for dinner?

Me specials today are me rumbledethumps

with a side of me Tattles and neeps.

I am not a hottie tottie!

No one touches my Tatties and Neeps!

Cut!

Devina, uh, tatties is

Scottish for potatoes, and Neeps

are turnips. He is just ordering food!

Ohhh! Good. Okay. Okay.

From Fiona's tatties and neeps line

and ACTION!

I'm sure you'd enjoy me

rumbledethumps with a side of me Tatties

and neeps. They are delicious

Scottish food and not dirty at all!

I'll take a wee platefull!

We don't get many visitors

in this village, stranger!

Who are ye?

I'm Dubai. Guy Dubai. I'm here on

International business.

Take a load off

and I'll be right with ye!

Popular place!

Every seat taken but this one.

Mind if I join you?

Tis a free country,

laddie! Or it used to be.

What's your name?

Haggis. – Haggis.

Can't help but notice

that your penis has been circumcised.

You're not from around these parts, are you?

Not originally. But you'll learn

that once folks find their way to Locknee Village,

they hardly find their way out.

Name yer poison.

I'd prefer to use cyanide, but sometimes

I use oh! There's a word

that catches my eye.

I'll take a big serving of that.

One cock-a-leekie soup, coming up!

You're not wearing a kilt!

Kilts be the law in Locknee or else!

Peter, Paul, and Mary!

The Kilt Inspector coming straight for us!

Take off your clothes.

I thought I'd have my Cock-a-leekie first,

but if you insist!

Perfect!

(door opening)

Well, well, well.

(suspenseful music)

Let's see who we've got

in Locknee Village tavern tonight, shall we?

Course, we have

our dear Fiona.

Evening, Mr. Kilt Inspector sir!

Let's have a wee peak, shall we?

There's a good lassie. Carry on.

Haggis!

This must be the Kilt inspector's lucky day!

Excellent.

Very patriotic.

I, uh wouldn't mind

playing a tune on those bags and that pipe, eh?

And who do we have here?

Someone who doesn't let the likes of you

look up his kilt.

Is that so? (dramatic music)

He's wearing knickers!

He's wearing knickers!

And me forgetting to bring my handcuffs!

I'll cuff him with me spare pair!

And I thought you were helping me.

I was.

But this

is more interesting

Wearing knickers under a kilt.

What are you a spy? – If I was,

I wouldn't tell you!

Ohh not saying if you're a spy or not, eh?

I'll just have to collect me some evidence.

Cut!

Devina!

I only had to stop for your ONCE!

Very good!

Okay, well, you know let's just take

a 30 minute lunch break, because that little

meeting this morning cut into our time.

Jimmy, we're leaving.

What? – We're getting paid half of what we deserve,

so we're working half days.

What, I'm uh, guys! no no!

I'm working on getting us more money!

I promise I am!

Oh, hey, hey, guess what, guess what,

uh, we just got picked up for a third episode!

So are you two a couple? – Aha.

But you just met and you never

kiss and touch, and touch, and kiss

We touch and kiss all the time when we're alone.

Why don't you kiss for us!

Ohhh! Kiss, kiss!

Don't you disapprove of gay sex?

No, only slutty whore sex like this one do!

That's why I pray, devil come out! - Heh heh!

But it's love, it's good!

You two kiss! Kiss kiss kiss kiss!

Okay. Come on, hunny.

Well Only if you're in the mood.

Alright.

Do this all the time

Uh no (dorky music playing)

Okay

Hehehehe.

Eyyy, that was terrible!

My pee pee just fell off!

Mine, too!

Let's go, so they can practice!

They kiss like sick birds that

are about to die soon.

We may have to work on our public affection. I don't want people thinking

I can't please my man!

Dude! You friended me!

Of course.

Holy shit! 384 likes

on my relationship status update.

I cannot believe the frikkin crew walked out!

THIS SUCKS.

But the great news is we already got the go-ahead

for the third episode! I bet in the history

of television a few series lasted less than

that. Make us legit.

It's gonna look so cool on my

IMDB page. – Well, don't get your hopes up yet.

If we can't get this episode

done on budget, it's over, we're sunk!

Come on, it's only money! We'll think of something!

- Any ideas? – I got nothing.

Well,

not unless we want to risk getting arrested.

I'm listening.

(mischievous music)

(elevator ding)

(elevator dings to close)

Okay.

Okay, it's gonna be a snap!

It's right there.

That's worth 12 thousand dollars?

I know, it's zaney!

(crash sound)

Just grab one end!

Just what do you think you're doing?

Dotty!

(dorky music)

We're

What are we doing? – Um

We were just

saving the show, that's what we were doing.

By stealing?! – NO!

Let's say

reinvesting assets!

That's good! Let's call it that!

Oh this is getting interesting.

Maybe we should savor the moment

and have ourselves a snort.

Okay

Could use one of those.

Never seen that cot before.

What, do you sleep here?

I don't think this is really about me

right now, is it?

Cheers.

♪glasses clinking♪

Ooh, hoo!

So, you were explaining

why, uh, stealing is reinvesting.

So I don't report you for robbery, right?

Hm.

Bottoms up.

♪glasses clinking♪

Well, as you know,

Taylor's hands are tied,

regarding the budget, but

yet, here's this

12 thousand dollars coffee table.

Oh God this is boring, this is so boring!

Let's hit it again.

Mud in your eye!

♪glasses clinking♪

So, tell me why I shouldn't have you two boys arrested?

For peeping at a lady in her nightie.

Hahahaha.

Gotcha!

Oh, please, I don't even think

about sex anymore. Aheh.

But I would love somebody to rub my little corns.

♪clears throat♪

Let's have another shot.

Here, have another one.

Just a little quick one.

(glasses clinking)

Has anybody got a camera?

Oh, I do!

Ahah, yes.

You two boys get up there with the table,

stand up, hold the table up

pick it up!

Now, put your... put your faces through those holes.

It's gonna be a good shot, hehe.

Ahahaha.

That's a good one.