All language subtitles for Frasier - 03x19 - Crane vs Crane.DVDRip.English.orig.Addic7ed.com

Oh, how does he always hear me?

He doesn't.

He just swings through every twenty minutes.

He knows you'll be eating some kind of junk.

Well, I don't want him eating these.

Well, then do what I do when
I want Eddie away from me.

I make a sound like

La la la la la la la la la la la!

That's mean!

Why? It doesn't really hurt his ears.

He just finds certain noises irritating.

That was the most riveting production
of Wagner I have seen this season.

I still have goose bumps from when Klingsor
summoned Kundry with

a terrible cry and ordered her
to seduce Parsifal:

"Ha! Er Ist Shun Der Knabe!"

Well, I had a pretty good night too.

Took myself a nice, hot bath.

And, remember that corn I had on my toe?

Well, it got so soft I was just
able to peel it right off.

Um... it's going to be difficult
for me to top that,

but I have some rather exciting news myself.

I'm sure you're all familiar with
the Safford case that's been in the papers recently?

Oh, you mean that scum-sucking jerk
who's trying to get his father committed?

Yes. Well, guess who's been retained
by that scum-sucking jerk!

I'm going to be testifying as an expert
witness at Mr. Safford's capacity hearing.

Wait a minute.

You're gonna help sell that poor
old guy down the river?

Not at all.

Mr. Safford is unbalanced.

His son is worried sick about him.

Oh, his son's worried he's not gonna
get his hands on his father's fortune.

Boy, the minute a man starts getting
up there his kids start making plans to

divvy up his stuff.

Dad, you'll be pleased to know that Niles
and I have decided to give

all your things to charity.

We're donating your clothes to the blind.

Well, it's just not right.

A bunch of moneygrubbers behind closed
doors trying to declare this poor old guy insane.

For starters, it's not behind closed doors.

The entire proceeding will be broadcast on Court TV.

Oh, great.

What father doesn't look forward to
the day he gathers his friends around the TV and says,

"Hey, that's my boy. The one making
the old man cry."

Dad, I'm sure Niles is only doing
this to protect Mr. Safford from himself.

Old age doesn't have to be that way, you know.

My great-aunt Beryl lived well into her nineties,

and her mind never failed her.

Of course, she lost her eyesight in her seventies,

and her balance in her eighties.

By the end we spent most of our
time propping her up or

putting another bandage on her forehead.

Oh, but bless her heart, she could
always tell you just how it happened.

Well, Safford is clearly irrational.

Recently, he wandered off.

They found him two days later riding
across Wyoming in a boxcar full of bums;

he's taken to selling off property
for half its worth;

and most damning of all, when I went
over to evaluate him,

he continually referred to me as "Sparky."

I don't know, Niles, you always wanted
to have a nickname.

You remember your campaign to have
the string section

of the youth orchestra call you "Rocky?"

It would have worked, too, if Tilly
Farraday hadn't pinned me

to the ground with her trombone when
I rebuked her for neglecting to clean her spit valve.

Well, I still think picking on
the old man stinks.

God help you if you're over fifty
and you do anything that

seems the least bit odd to your family.

And I'm pretty sure he's having an
affair with his secretary.

Well, have you talked to your husband
and heard his side of the story?

No.

Well, Beth, it does seem that your
fears may be well-founded,

but I still think you should talk
to your husband before

you come to any final conclusions.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing
you good day, and good mental health.

Here are those PSAs, we'll do them
tomorrow before the show.

Thank you, Roz.

Roz, why is that light still on?

Is that Beth who I was talking to?

No!

Yes, it is!

No, it isn't!

Yes, it is!

It is not!

Have you been talking to Beth?

Of course not!

What do you think - I'm giving
advice to your callers?

Oh, Frasier, you are so paranoid.

The world is full of enemies.

Everybody's plotting against you.

There's a man in a dark trench coat
right behind you.

Ho-ho, very droll.

Dr. Crane?

I'm John Giroux.

I work for Harlow Safford.

Oh, Mr. Giroux, I'm afraid there's
been some mistake.

It's my brother who's connected with the case.

Oh, we're quite aware of that,
but Mr. Safford feels

he's the victim of a grave injustice.

He's an ardent fan of your show and
feels you're the only man who can help him.

Well, that's very flattering, but
given my brother's connection with the case,

it wouldn't be very prudent
for me to get involved.

Won't you at least talk to my client?
Judge him by his words and his actions,

not by how old he is?

You sound like my father - a man who
believes that burial is a form of age discrimination.

If you stop by this evening,

I'm convinced you'll find Mr. Safford
is completely competent.

Even if you won't testify on his behalf,
perhaps you could at least get your brother

to reconsider his testimony.

It's highly unlikely that I would
disagree with my brother's opinion.

I really admired your advice to that
last caller - you know,

about not judging someone until you've
heard his side of the story?

You're a good lawyer, Mr. Giroux.

Mr. Safford only seeks out the very best.

I'll see you at seven?

The address is on the back of my card.

I don't care what Dr. Crane said.

You start talking to your husband
and he'll start covering his tracks.

Get a detective now.

You were talking to my last caller.

I swear; it's the first and last time.

I will never do it again.

I hope not.

Thanks for holding, Bill. I'm listening.

Enjoy your tour?

Uh... yes, yes.

That's quite a model railroad Mr. Safford
has running through the grounds.

I've never seen one on quite that scale.

Impressive, isn't it?

Oh, yes. Yes,

especially when it's bearing down on you.

I got my heels stuck in the soft grass.

I barely made the crossing.

Tell me, how often does
Mr. Safford... play with his train?

Just the weekends, when he gives rides
to underprivileged children.

Very admirable.

There's a lot you don't know about him, Dr. Crane.

That's why you're here.

Yes, well, I promise to consider
all the evidence before I arrive at a conclusion.

I think I've arrived.

Hiya, Sparky.

I'm Harlow Safford.

Dr. Frasier Crane.

I don't believe I've ever seen
a fire pole in a home before.

Oh, it saves a lot of time.

Except for going up, of course.

And, uh, the hat?

Oh, it's just for laughs.

Oh, try it on.

Well, no, I don't think I should.

Oh, come on!

I guess it is sort of fun, isn't it?

Not on you.

So, do you think you can convince
my self-righteous son that I'm not nuts?

Oh, I think "nuts" is a little strong.

He must have meant that your behavior might seem to

most people to be a little unconventional.

Well, good.

I've spent my whole life being conventional.

Then one day I said to myself,
"Harlow, you're not having any fun."

Do you... speak to yourself often?

Don't try to trip me up, Sparky.

Oh, no, thank you.

Thank you, I'm trying to cut down on...

lollipops. Thank you.

But tell me, why do you call people "Sparky"?

It makes them smile. Right, Sparky?

You ought to try it with your patients.

Oh, I'm not too sure how warmly
that would be embraced by those
undergoing electroshock.

Um, anyway, your son tells me that
you recently sold some property at a
fraction of its value.

That's right.

Terrific young married couple had
their hearts set on it, but couldn't afford it.

So, I helped them out.

There's nothing wrong with helping people.

Well, he also informed me that you
recently indulged in an unorthodox,

not to mention hazardous mode of travel.

That pompous weenie.

That's exactly how he would put it.

Well, actually, that was my wording.

Well, I hopped a freight.

Rode the rails.

Well, why not just purchase a ticket
and ride in a club car?

Where's the adventure in that?

I'm 78.

Someday I'll be too old to jump off
a moving train!

No, you gotta live out your fantasies
while you can.

Can you understand that?

I think I can.

Mr. Safford, what you've said makes
a great deal of sense.

Before we go on, there's something
I have to ask you.

Shoot.

It's a little embarrassing.

I can take it.

Okay. Can I slide down that pole?

Follow me, Sparky!

Dad, are you going to watch something now?

Yeah, the championship fight.

But don't worry, I'm using my earphones,
I won't bother anyone.

Oh, you've already been a bother
- making me hide the sports section
so he won't see it.

Making me turn the news off because
they might say who won.

I don't understand.

Well, the fight was last night.

It was on Pay TV.

But one of my police buddies has
a pirate antenna.

So, he taped it and they messengered
one to me in an envelope marked "Official Business."

Another inspiring tale of our men
in law enforcement.

Why are you walking funny?

Well, suffice it to say I learned today
it is unwise to slide repeatedly down

a fire pole wearing woolen trousers.

Daphne, would you...?

Oh, I'll get it.

Evening, Daphne.

Oh, Dr. Crane, don't say anything
about last night's boxing match.

Your dad hasn't seen it yet.

Oh, I didn't even know it was boxing season.

Well, did everyone see my mention
in this morning's paper?

No, I'm afraid I missed that.

Well, small wonder.

They buried it all the way back on page 32.

It's here, it's next to the sports section.

Hey, get that out of here!

Let me see.

It's right there.

Oh.

"Court TV this week will feature
the capacity hearing of noted

timber baron Harlow Safford. [

Testifying on behalf of the family
will be Dr. Niles Crane,

eminent psychiatrist, author and
leading authority on clinical psychosis.

Dr. Crane is also the brother of..."

Yadda-yadda, the rest is filler.

Niles, I have to talk to you about something.

Just after the show today I was
visited by a man named Mr. Giroux.

He asked me to represent Mr. Safford.

What?!

Shh!

I'm sorry.

Given your involvement with the case,
I naturally declined.

Oh, thank God.

But, I did agree to see if I concurred
with your analysis and speak to Mr. Safford.

What?!

Hey, keep it down!

I just have to tell you that I found
Harlow Safford to be of completely sound mind -

and don't say "What?!"

Why?!

Quiet!!

Perhaps it'd be better if we spoke
somewhere else.

You couldn't stand that I had a
high-profile case, could you?

So you had to butt into it!

I just don't want you to make a fool of yourself.

These people came to me, they
asked for my expertise.

Oh, ha! They were undoubtedly
exploiting your dubious celebrity.

Of which you are jealous and, I fear,
the reason you took this case!

That is flatly untrue!

I took the case to help the family!

And to be on television!

I don't give a hoot about television!

Well, some of us do!!

Niles, you made a hasty judgment
and I am sorry, but you were wrong.

Ah, now we see why you got involved in the case -

so big brother could be right and
little Niles could be wrong, which I'm not!

Oh, your pathetic childhood issues
have nothing to do with it.

Face it, you were wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Oh, oh, oh-!

This from Mr. Quick-Fix, the master
of the in-depth, one-minute phone call diagnosis!

I spent several hours with Mr. Safford
and I found his behavior to be...

Wildly irrational.

He's a lip-diddling loon!

You think anything that's even slightly
spontaneous is aberrant.

That's ridiculous!

The man's incompetent!

Niles, I'm warning you.

If you get up in that courtroom and
say that, you will damage yourself professionally!

I'm testifying, and you're not going to stop me!

Fine, then you leave me no choice
but to testify against you!

Well, in that case, I'll see you in court!

Good, I look forward to it!

So do I!

Good!

Good!

HEY!!

Daphne, please. Turn down that radio.

Dad is trying to watch a fight!

So, how are you holding up?

Oh, I'm fine. Now look, Sparky.

I know you don't want to take any
money for helping me.

But at least let me make a donation
to your favorite charity.

Well... it was my duty, not to
mention a pleasure, to help you.

But if you'd like to donate something,
why don't youselect a charity of your own choosing?

Fair enough.

Good. Excuse me.

Hello, Niles.

You know, it's not to late to ask
them to put a big blue ball in front of

your face during the broadcast.

Perhaps spare you some shred of your reputation.

I'd laugh in your face but I'm saving my voice.

Oh my God! You're wearing makeup!

I am not!

This is... medication.

Something my dermatologist recommended.

Dr. Revlon?

These feeble attempts to undermine
my confidence are futile.

The testimony I've prepared is
nothing short of brilliant.

I cite half a dozen studies of gerontology.

I quote everything from the Bible to Herodotus.

I deftly interweave humor with pathos.

You may want to take notes.

And if you had an ounce of self-awareness
you would realize

that your diagnosis was colored by
your zeal to put your face in front of that camera.

Oh, by the way,

your medication is rubbing off on your collar.

All rise.

Court is in session.

Judge Richard McCarron presiding.

Hello, your honor.

Be seated.

Good morning.

Has everyone been sworn in?

Yes, your honor.

Well, I see we have two Dr. Cranes testifying today.

Mr. Giroux, I think we'll hear from
your authority first.

I assume the other Dr. Crane has no
objection to that arrangement?

None whatsoever, your honor.

I'm over here, Dr. Crane.

Your honor, I would not presume to bore the court with a

recitation of dry statistics,
gerontology studies, obscure literary references.

Instead, I intend to speak from the heart.

I worry about a society that has
chosen to define normalcy in such narrow

terms that if someone's behavior
deviates ever so slightly,

we question his capacity to function.

Mr. Safford's seeming eccentricities -
his love of trains, his generosity -

they can all be readily explained.

Diabetes!

Mr. Safford?

I was talking to Sparky.

Uh... Did you say diabetes?

Yes. We'll donate the money to diabetes.

Those poor people can't eat sugar!

Fine.. fine.

Uh... we'll, uh... we'll talk
about it afterwards.

May we continue, Dr. Crane?

My apologies, your honor.

Mr. Safford and I were discussing
a very sizable donation he intends

to make later today to a very worthy cause.

I guess his enthusiasm just got the best of him.

But, it is this very generosity that
his son finds so objectionable.

That, and the fact that he did hop
a freight train across the country.

But, you see, what he sees as unstable,
I see as... romantic.

I... I don't suppose there's a railroad
track outside the courtroom?

Uh... doesn't Mr. Safford deserve to be
a bit of a free spirit

after the years of his demanding career?

A career in which he wore...

many hats.

Um... the hat of a father,
a philanthropist, a C.E.O...

All aboard! All aboard!

Get your tickets ready.

Have your tickets ready, please.

Have your tickets ready.

In the end, it all comes down to this:

can we really condemn a man for maintaining a childlike

joie de vivre even in his twilight years?

All aboard for the Coast Express.

Yes, making stops in Tacoma, Olympia,
Portland and Salem.

And the next stop is...

I think I know where your next stop is going to be.

Now, look, Niles. Before you start
gloating, let me just say this.

You were right, I was wrong.

Big deal.

The world never got a chance to hear me be right.

I suppose by now it's obvious that
what you were saying all along was true.

I do... envy your fame.

Well, perhaps this public humiliation
will cure me of my damned competitiveness.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I humiliated myself far more than you did today.

Obviously, you didn't see the way
I was whoring after that TV camera.

Obviously, you didn't see how I was
tap dancing up there like an organ grinder's monkey.

Yes, well, I might as well have been
tarred and feathered.

I might as well have been pilloried
in the town square.

I might as well have been stripped
naked and forced to...

Oh, stop it, Niles! We're doing it again!

Niles, you have no reason to feel badly.

Everyone wants to be recognized for
something they're good at.

And you are a good psychiatrist.

Thank you, Frasier.

Something I can't really lay claim
to after today.

How could I have so misjudged that man?

Well, he's undeniably charming for one thing.

And he can be lucid for long stretches of time.

Yes, but you weren't fooled.

Somehow, you picked up on some tiny
clue that I missed.

You remember what it was?

Yes. Midway through our interview
he took off his trousers

and tried to put them on the cat.

Well, I'd like to think that I might
have picked up on that one too. Still...

Frasier, you've always approached
life with a positive attitude.

It's a quality I admire of yours.

Perhaps your judgment was clouded
by your desire to see old age not as a

time of inevitable decline, but as
a time when one's childhood passions

and fantasies can be reborn.

Thank you, Niles.

You know what would cheer me up right now?

What?

I would like to hear that summation
you never got a chance to give.

Really?

Yes.

You're not just saying that?

Do you care?

No!

Well, all right then.

I'm the judge! I'm the judge!

Okay, you be the judge.

All rise.

Yes, here we are.

Have we been sworn in?

Yes we have, your honor.

Dr. Crane, proceed.

Your honor, I believe it was Herodotus who said:

"Circumstances rule men.
Men do not rule circumstances."