Original subtitles

(eerie ambient tones)

(eerie music)

- Baby, when did you get here?

(dramatic music) (gasping)

(upbeat rock music)

♫ I've got my eye on you

♫ I've got my eye on you

♫ And I'm up to here, too

♫ You're foolin' around, gettin' blood on my shoes

♫ I've set my sights on you

♫ I've set my sights on you

♫ Gotten out of my tomb

♫ So don't look around, I've got nothing to lose ♫

(gunshot)

- Aloha.

I see you've met Rachel Worth, poor thing.

Can you believe it's her wedding day?

Certainly not a very auspicious start.

A bride needs something borrowed, something blue,

but certainly not something dead.

I guess the silver lining in all of this

is the corpse is not the man she's planning to marry.

But with her ceremony on a private beach

near Waikiki looming in six hours,

she best fix this little hiccup that's

threatening her big day.

Otherwise it could very well be a whole new

meaning to the phrase 'til death do us part.

(water splashing)

- Okay, phone, phone.

Where's my fucking phone?!

(mumbling)

(phone dialing)

(sobbing) Cam!

Cam, it's me!

- Babe, are you okay?

I can't hear you, there's no reception,

and the music's too loud!

Listen, my bachelor party's still goin' on,

but I promise, don't worry, I'll be sober by the morning.

- Cam, Cam!

- Really? That's funny?

You made out with a tranny last night.

(sobbing)

(upbeat flamenco music)

(groaning and sighing)

(heavy breathing)

Please tell me we still get to have sex like

that after we're married?

- (chuckling) We better.

It's a husband's duty to please his woman.

- Oh, really?

I can't believe by this time tomorrow

we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Cam Englehart.

- Finally, I thought we were gonna have to

get you new business cards made up.

Cam Englehart, Corporate Attorney, Commitmentphobe.

- Well, after tonight, I'm all yours.

- Ah, just remember, we agreed.

One lap dance.

- Yeah, about that, how 'bout

one lap dance and a BJ?

I'm a lawyer, I negotiate!

It's what I do!

- It's also tacky.

Oh, I hope they don't get a stripper.

I just wanna sit by the pool and relax.

And miss you.

Do I really have to go do this whole

bachelorette party thing?

- Yes, my sister's gone all out, you have to go.

(knocking on door)

Which is why I told 'em where to find you.

- [Sharon] You're not even dressed yet!

What is this?

Party time!

- Check-in is at 3 and I want maximum pool time,

but you, just, stop molesting my bro, okay?

- Okay, coming!

- [Daphne] Happy birthday, Cam!

- [Cam] I'll see you later. - [Rachel] Okay!

Hi, this is Rachel Worth, I'm one of the women

staying at your vacation rental, there's a problem

that I really need to talk to you about,

so if you get this message, please call me back.

Here, at the house.

Um, thank you.

Okay, call me back. Okay, bye.

(waves crashing) (women cheering)

- This is the entertainment area.

Fire pit over there.

- Trampoline, we get to use that, right?

- Yeah, yeah!

You got a famous trampoline, if that trampoline could talk.

The jacuzzi and the pool's temperature

you can adjust inside.

- Daphne pees in the pool, just to let you know,

is that gonna be a problem?

- I do not!

- Is there a pool boy?

- There is a pool boy.

- Is he hot?

- He is really good-looking.

- Women only?

- The beach is a quarter mile that way,

and the bar's fully stocked with all the best liquor.

I myself don't drink, but I hear it's really good.

- This is a great porn house.

- Oh, you've shot here? (laughter)

- Anyway, that's about it, so if you need anything else,

call me on this number.

- Thank you so much.

- I'm gonna get out of your hair now.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

- Now, exactly what might that be?

- (chuckling) Oh my God, I love her.

- Congratulations on your nuptials.

- Thank you so much.

- Enjoy, ladies!

- Cheers, to Rachel's marriage to Cam!

- Woo, good times!

- Good times.

- Rachel! Kim, Daphne, come here!

- What the fuck is it with her and trampolines?

- Tramps love tramps, honey.

- That's good.

- [Rachel] Right? - [Kim] Yeah, score.

- [Rachel] Thank you.

- So, are you nervous?

- About tomorrow?

No, are you kiddin', I love that man.

- I still don't understand why, of all the women in

the world, he chose me to settle down with.

Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

- That was so much fun.

- Jesus.

- Well...

I, for one, will never allow myself to get tied down.

- We all know you're the one that loves to do

the tying down, sweetie.

I've seen your collection of whips and ball gags.

- Bunnies and rabbits, and stripper heels, and tutus.

- Tutus?

It's not like I was in a rush to get married,

but when I met Cam, I just knew.

- I'm sorry.

I'll get something for that.

- Is she gonna be okay?

- Yeah, she'll be fine.

It's ancient history.

(waves crashing)

(eerie music)

(groaning) (gasping)

- [Rachel] Daphne? - [Daphne] Yeah?

- Daphne, come on, honey, wake up!

- Where's my hat?

- You must've fallen asleep out here.

Daphne, come on, honey, wake up!

- What, Rachel?

- Daphne, what happened last night?

I remember having drinks by the pool,

and then everything after that is a complete blank.

- Well, we had a pretty good time, that's what happened!

- Do you know where Sharon and Kim are?

- They're not in their rooms?

- No.

Okay, um, I need you to get up and come with me, okay?

Daphne, Daphne! Daphne!

- Okay, I'm coming, okay, I'm coming.

(groaning)

- Come on, I have to show you something.

- Oh Jesus, what is he doing here?

- Who is he?

- The stripper.

Don't you remember?

I think he's dead.

- Yes!

- Uh...

What did you do?

Did you two--

- [Rachel] No! - [Daphne] Rachel.

- I don't think so.

- Gosh, oh boy, this is bad.

- Look at the mark on his neck.

It looks like he was strangled.

- Strangled?

Somebody came in here and killed him?

- So you remember him showing up last night?

- Of course I remember him.

He was a surprise, but you were already

pretty wasted by then.

(waves crashing)

- Hey, where are you going so fast?

Come on!

What's with the outfit?

I thought you were coming dressed as a policeman.

- Yeah, the girls at the last party got a little

too excited, and by too excited I meant

they ripped my uniform 'cause they couldn't

wait to suck my dick, but, uh,

I had to improvise.

- I wonder kinda damage we're gonna do to this uniform.

- Yeah, we should get started, I'm hourly.

- I like the suspenders.

- Yeah, they're stretchy.

- Hey, girls!

(laughter)

You smell somethin' burnin'?

- [Daphne] The party's over here baby!

- Who's that? (cheering)

Who is that?

- [Sharon] Who is this?

- [Stripper] There's a spot for you right here!

It's on the rocks!

- I don't have to.

- [Stripper] Oh girls, take my clothes off,

loosen up my buttons, baby!

- That's what I'm talking about.

- [Stripper] Oh, there goes the suspenders!

What's under here, I don't know,

it might be a dick, oh,

it's a dick, behind door one!

- Oh my...

(cheering and shouting)

It's a teabag robot!

From the future, oh, I'm from the future to

teabag the bachelorette!

(Rachel screams) (stripper cheers)

It's the teabag robot!

Bite it!

- Okay, okay, okay!

The fire is out, the fire is out!

(laughing) (waves crashing)

- I can't recall any of it!

What happened after we finished?

- I thought he left.

After the fight with Sharon...

(waves crashing)

- [Daphne] All right, Rachel, come on now, honey.

It's time for bed, you can do it.

- Have you seen my hat? It's a rental.

- No, but I see a really hot ass I'd

love to be my patient.

Hey, you ever done it on a trampoline?

It's really awesome.

- No thanks, I'm not into cougars.

- Well, what good are you, too?

- Yeah, but from here, looks like it's time to

learn the word botox.

- You're a fucking asshole! (glass breaks)

- One dance.

- I like a dance.

- Come on, get up here, get that hot ass up here.

You're a saucy one!

Yeah!

Let me see that ass, let me see that cute ass.

Yeah, oh, grind on it.

You feel that?

Wakin' the monster, I wanna have your mixed race baby.

(screaming) (water splashing)

- Shit!

I'd watch out for Sharon, she caught her last

boyfriend cheating, took a crowbar to his head.

He's just now starting to remember his name.

- If the dude's got no memory of datin' that bitch,

he's a lucky man.

- I'm gonna fucking kill you!

- You don't think Sharon...

- We all know what she's capable of,

remember what she did to poor Jason?

- Hey hey hey, back with the coffee and scones,

hangover cures for all.

(laughing)

Is that who I think it is?

- He's dead, Kim.

- What?

How?

- We don't know.

- Well, did you call the police?

- No.

Not yet.

- Well why, we have to call them right now!

- No, wait, let's just take a beat.

What if they arrest us?

- Nobody's gonna get arrested!

I mean, look at him!

He probably pumped himself full of so many steroids,

his heart finally gave out!

- I don't think this is drug related.

Whoever killed him could've used this.

- Jesus Christ.

I mean, how did he get here?

- I don't know!

- She can't remember if she had sex with him or not.

- You had sex with this slimebag?

- No, no, I...

Would you stop saying that?

- I can't believe this, we really have to call the police.

- Please just wait!

Just give me a second to think!

Oh God, it's my wedding day, what if Cam finds out?

- It's not a question of if he finds out,

darling, he's going to find out.

- Whose phone is this?

- Mine, I've been looking for it everywhere.

(moaning)

What?

Oh God!

- Yep. You fucked him.

(comedic music) - What the fuck?

Where the hell is the coffee maker?

I feel like I'm doing that show Stomp inside my head.

- Hey! Sharon!

Did you do it?

- Do what?

- The stripper!

- No, I didn't do him.

Not for lack of trying.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Did you kill him?

Yeah, he's here.

He's pretty stiff, and I'm not talkin'

about his cock, either.

- What?

You think I did this?

- Given your history, is it any surprise

our minds went there?

- Daphne heard you threaten to kill him last night.

- I wasn't serious!

Jesus, guys, how could you think that I

would do something like this?

- Somebody strangled him and put him in Rachel's bed.

- And you are the only one that had a problem with him.

- So you found him here?

In Rachel's bed?

And obviously Rachel was the last one to see him alive.

- I don't remember having sex with him and

maybe I don't remember killing him, either.

- That's ridiculous, you couldn't hurt anyone.

- But I could?

My own BFFs, thanks for the support!

What about Daphne?

- Me?

- We all know that you're still in love with Cam,

ever since you two hooked up at Burning Man!

I bet you would just love to spoil Rachel's big day!

- By killing some innocent guy, get real!

- Daphne and I worked that out ages ago,

which is why she's one of my bridesmaids,

the past is the past.

- Okay, we really should call the cops.

The longer that we wait, the worse that this is

gonna look for us!

I mean, they can determine the time of death!

They're gonna wonder why did we wait so long!

- I think we should get rid of the body!

- Of course you do.

- We could put it behind some bushes at

a deserted park, or in a dumpster in an alley.

We'll just say that he came, he did his thing, and he left.

He could've been killed on his way

home by a mugger or something.

- No, we'll get caught.

Do you not watch CSI?

- [Sharon] Which one?

- Look, people that do stupid things,

they always get caught.

- So first I was a killer, and now I'm stupid?

- Okay, it's my wedding day!

I don't wanna go to jail!

- Maybe we should consider it.

- You are all not thinking clearly.

(doorbell rings)

- [Owner] Hello?

- The owner.

- Is anyone home?

- [Kim] She's coming in.

- Stall her!

We'll hide the body.

- Ladies, are you in there?

- [Sharon] Grab him in front!

- [Daphne] God, I'm not touching him.

- Is everything all right in there?

- Oh, yeah!

We're just helping Rachel get ready.

You know how hard it is to squeeze

a porker into her wedding dress.

She's a stress eater, she put on a few

pounds in the last couple of days,

but anyways, we couldn't get the garbage

disposal to work, but we fixed it!

- [Rachel] What, what? Come on, what?

- [Daphne] I'm sorry, he has a boner or something!

- So everything is fine, so I'm so sorry that

you came over here all the way for nothing.

- Is Rachel inside?

- [Sharon] A boner?

Oh, are you okay?

Let's cover things up.

- [Rachel] My veil.

- Yes, but I...

- I hope he doesn't see someone he shouldn't.

- Cam! What are you doing here?

- You sounded worried earlier, I wanted to

make sure you weren't having pre-wedding jitters.

Took me six shots of espresso to sober up before I got...

I'm gonna throw up.

- No!

(vomiting and coughing)

- What the fuck is that?

- I know.

I know.

We have to postpone the wedding.

- No.

- Cam, we have no choice.

- We're doing it, just as we planned, today.

- Why?

- Because I have to be married by the time I'm 30!

- Sweetie, no you don't.

- When my grandmother died, she left me a 10 million

dollar trust fund, but there was a catch.

She stipulated that I have to be married by

my 30th birthday, or I don't get the money.

- Why would she do something like that?

- Gram was around long enough to see me

go through my wild period.

Let's just say she didn't exactly approve.

She wanted me to settle down, make something of myself,

which I did, just after she was gone.

But there's still that clause in the will

that I need to adhere to.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- I was going to, I just...

I didn't want you to think that I was

marrying you just so I could get my hands on the money.

I'm marrying you because I love you, Rachel.

- Okay, that's really sweet, but what I want to

know is what happens to the money if you don't get married?

- Kim...

- Oh my God, it was you.

You hired the stripper.

And you made my first drink.

You spiked it, which is why I was so out of it,

and can't remember anything!

And someone would've had to record it.

You actually made moans to make it look like

it was actually happening, like I was awake

and I was enjoying it?!

And you were gonna email it to Cam.

So he'd call off the wedding.

And you would be next in line for the trust fund.

- Kim.

Did you really murder this poor guy?

- Poor guy.

Poor guy, oh come on, Cam, get off your

high fucking horse, poor guy,

he was just some sleazy stripper.

Anyways, it was his own fault.

No one was supposed to get hurt.

But the bastard got greedy.

That was shit.

- This is grade-A cock right here.

I'm a fuckin' pro, baby.

- He demanded half of the money.

Threatened to expose me to you and Rachel.

Five million dollars, and then that was it.

- I think I deserve a little tip on top of that.

- I don't think you do at all.

- Sometimes it's nice to tip a nice performance.

- We're talkin' five million dollars here.

- I'm talkin' one million dollars more on top of that.

- So I just agreed to shut him up.

But come on, I wasn't just gonna

hand over five million dollars to some

lameass cock jock fireman, so I made him

the same special cocktail that I made Rachel.

And I kept him busy until it took effect.

(moaning and grunting)

- Fuck yeah!

(dramatic music)

- [Voiceover] And I could handle this

problem once and for all.

But it turned out to be a much better plan

than I anticipated.

Because cheating is one thing.

But accidentally killing a trick during a sex

game gone wrong the night before your wedding, well...

There's just no way that Cam

was ever gonna say I do.

Not to her.

- No wonder you wanted to call the cops!

You knew it looked bad for me.

- I did what I had to do.

I mean, we're talking 10 million dollars here.

It's not fair.

Okay, I was the good girl.

I went to Nana's house every Sunday.

I remembered her birthdays, he didn't.

I was the one that got straight A's, I was the good girl.

But the bitch left it all to him.

Thought he could change.

But it wasn't the money that changed him, Rachel.

It was you.

- Your little Fredericks of Hollywood number,

is it pre-shrunk?

- No.

- Worst maid of honor ever!

(radio chatter) (somber music)

- So I guess I won't be giving you my toast.

- Kim, this is serious.

You killed someone.

- I know.

But I also know what kind of man you are, Cam.

And you'll spend most of that 10 million dollars

on the best doctors and lawyers to get me off.

I'll see you again.

Soon.

Oh, and will you save me some cake?

You know how I love baking some cake.

- I'll come visit you, okay,

and I'll get you the cake.

- No, no.

(radio chatter)

- It's been said it's bad luck for a bride

and groom to see each other before the wedding.

Although, after the day they've had,

I don't blame Rachel or Cam for throwing

caution to the wind.

As for lessons learned, it's an age old question for woman:

Do you marry for love or for money?

(laughing)

Lucky, though, for Rachel Worth,

today she doesn't have to choose.

Mahalo!

♫ You said you want to marry me

♫ It's dark in here, I cannot find the light

♫ You said why don't we go outside

♫ We can wander round, we can stay up all night

♫ I know I have to come along

♫ If I want to find it

♫ If I want to make it real

♫ Oh, I might like that

♫ Everything has lost its impact

♫ Oh, I might like that

♫ Everything has lost its impact

♫ Oh, I might like that

♫ Everything has lost, it gets away from me ♫

(upbeat flamenco guitar)

(electric buzzing) - [Voiceover] Kill, Ubu, kill!

Good fish.