All language subtitles for Theatre Macabre. s01e10.The.Nose.eng

(suspenseful music)

- How do you do?

I'm Christopher Lee.

A man may lose many things--

money, time, patience,
hope, career, a woman,

even his head,
and often his temper.

But what man would cut off
his nose to spite his face?

Certainly not
Commander Kovalyov

in Nikolai Gogol's story,
"The Nose,"

not if he could help it.

And if one were careless
enough to misplace one's nose

as a result of, let us say,
an accident,

who knows what trouble
it might get into,

sticking itself into
other people's affairs.

Such a condition could well
drive one to

drink or to the razor's edge.

(upbeat music)

(indistinct boisterous chatter)

(steam hissing)

(water splashing)

(he breathes in deeply)

- Have you washed your hands?

- Certainly I have, sir.

- You're a liar.

- I swear to you, I
always wash my hands, sir.

- I should hope so.

- Well, Kovalyov, have you decided
who you're going to marry,

the daughter or
the mother, eh?

I've heard rumors that
they're quite a handful,

the two of them.

- The mother must be
getting on for 50, at least.

- Marry one, make love
to the other, I say.

And after all, a dowry of
50,000 rubles is worth it.

(men laughing)

- Don't count your
chickens too early, huh?

- Don't worry.

I find that it always pays

to stick to the rules
of the game.

I'll make sure of the settlement.

"And now, as far as the question
of marriage is concerned,

my dear madam, I have a
pedigree of good standing.

I'm a young man, and
need five years at least."

"Go on, sir,
your proposal."

(men laughing raucously)

(woman simpering)

I thought that you'd forgotten.

(moans)

(guitar strumming)

(hums)

(roar5)

(both laughing)

G011 yQu!

- Aw, get off.

(laughs)

- I beg your pardon, madame.

I completely forgot,
I'm expecting a guest.

(bell ringing)

Ivan!

Order a carriage for the
lady right away.

(suspenseful music)

' It's gone!

Gone.

- Now then,

what's that you're hiding
there, you scoundrel?

Well, what is it?

There've been some very
strange rumors

about you in recent weeks.

They say, when you begin
to shave the client,

you play with your razor, thus,

and pull his nose so furiously

that he's afraid it might come off.

- That is a lie.

- Get rid of it now.

- It isn't time, Praskovya,
let it stay a bit.

Tomorrow will be soon enough.

I'll get rid of it then.

- No, now.

You have to be strong, my love.

You're such a weakling.

You mustn't ever forget what
I expect from my husband.

I've heard you sharpening
your razor,

your beautiful razor.

It's music to my ears.

- (sobbing)
No, Praskovya!

(church bells chiming)

(lJaCkage splashes)

- Excuse me, constable,
only,

I swear that I'm innocent.

I was taking a walk down
here by the river

to see which way the
water flows.

(suspenseful music)

- This was the work of the devil.

It is diabolical.

A man's dignity is lost completely

without a nose.

(footsteps echoing)

- Have you found the nose?

Have you found the nose?

One minute it was there,
then, poof!

Is the police superintendent in?

- Eh, no, he has just gone out.

- That's a pity.

- A few minutes ago.
You just missed him.

- Where to?
Did he say?

It's most important that
I see him.

- My husband is out.

If you're interested,

perhaps I might be of
help to you yet.

You're welcome.

- Mm-hmm.

(church bell chiming)

(horses' hooves clattering)

- All right.

(lively music)

- Excuse me.

Who is that man?

- I couldn't be sure,
but by his hat

I would say he was a minister
of state, wouldn't you?

- Yes, yes, but who is
he then?

- I can't say. I've never
seen him in here before.

(footsteps approaching)

- Excuse me, sir.

- Well now, what can I do
for you, sir?

- Is it coincidence that we should meet?

Maybe you would have preferred
to keep out of my way.

No one could mistake your
profile, you must admit that.

- Oh, my profile, I see.

I haven't the vaguest idea
what you're talking about.

Speak clearly, man, clearly.

- But of course, sir.

I am, you see, a major
by profession

and have lost my nose.

You must see how
precarious the position is.

I was standing for governor
in a few weeks from now,

an honor which by my faith,

I would have been proud to accept.

- As a minister of state,
you would like my help,

is that it?

You must reflect on it well,
sir, understand?

- Only imagine my disgrace
to be elected governor

under such circumstances,
no nose!

You must understand me.

- How can you expect me to
understand this nonsense?

I do not understand any of it.

Will you please express yourself
in a more precise fashion?

- How could you be so cruel?

Such a mean trick to
play on anyone!

Please believe me,
you're wearing my nose!

- You are quite wrong.

You are lying.

Dare you speak to me in
such a manner?

A man sufficient unto himself,
I am.

No need to take the
belongings of another.

And besides, looking at
those buttons,

I see we're of a different
order altogether.

I'd never stoop so low.

(dramatic music)

(whimpers lustfully)

- Where's he gone to?

(horse hooves clattering)

Where is the editor?

- And what might we do
for you, my good sir?

- I have a request to make.
It's most urgent.

- Yes, sir.
What is your name?

- That is private.

I wish to place an advertisement

for the return of stolen property.

Say there will be a
substantial reward.

It is essential my nose
should be returned right away.

Perhaps this will do the trick.

- A peculiar name, "Nose."
Sounds improper.

We are now most careful
about what we advertise.

- What may I ask is
improper about my nose?

- We had a similar
advertisement last week.

Someone advertised for the return

of a missing French poodle.

Simple enough.

It was libel as it turned out.

The poodle happened to be

an honorable member of
the state council.

Sorry I can't be of help.

- Who's looking for a poodle?

I lost my nose and I've got to
get it back, you understand?

- I don't find it amusing.

Your jokes are offensive, sir.

- But it's the truth, I swear it is.

I can show you, if you like.

- Never!

Then, on the other hand,

I might as well see for myself.
Nothing to lose.

(laughing) This spot is as
smooth as a new-baked roll.

It's unbelievable, my good sir.

Bad luck altogether.

Now, what's this,
my dear?

- Then you will publish
the advertisement for me?

Believe me,
I'll be eternally grateful.

- I'm really sorry this
catastrophe should happen to you.

But to advertise would be
such bad taste.

Yes, bad taste.

I find that when I'm a
little depressed,

a pinch of snuff is soothing.

- Such impudence to my face!

You'll drive me mad with
talk of snuff.

(melancholy music)

Ivan!

(roar5)

And whatever do you
think you're up to,

you impudent peasant?

- I was cleaning the samovar, sir.

The young maid brought this,
it's from her mistress.

- Please tell your mistress,

I will be unable to visit
her tomorrow, or ever again.

(melancholy music)

Poodle, indeed!

(doorbell ringing)

Ivan!

(doorbell ringing)

- My master's at home to
no one today,

not even to his friends.

- Ah, but I don't happen to
be a friend.

- Wait there.

The constable is here.

I've told him you're
not at home to anyone.

- Was it his lordship who
lost his nose?

- It was.

- It has been found, sir.

- My beautiful nose...
It's been lost forever.

- It was quite a coincidence.

I was going on a journey.

I'm rather short-sighted
and I was wearing my glasses,

and suddenly there it was.

Hearing how much you missed it,

I brought it to you immediately.

Your lordship must check

that it has not been damaged
in any way.

(suspenseful music)

- That's it!

My beautiful nose!

Even the pimple is there.

That only appeared on Thursday.

Ivan!

(both laughing raucously)

Why don't you answer,
Ivan, whenever you hear me?

- I didn't recognize your voice.

I thought it was the laundry maid.

- And make tea at once,
imbecile.

And what's your name,
pretty little girl?

- Dascha.

- Will you bring the
tea to my room for me?

- Mm-hmm.

- Dascha.

(both chuckling)

(suspenseful music)

What if it doesn't stick to my face?

(Dascha giggling)

(suspenseful music)

Stick, will you?

(screen crashes)

(both chuckling)

(suspenseful music)

(screaming)

- In my opinion,
best leave it alone.

- But why, why should I?

- Speaking as an old friend,

strange things can happen
in this world of ours.

Could be witchcraft.

It's mostly connected
with the opposite sex,

you understand me?

- Hmm.

- I advise you to wash the
spot daily with cold water.

You will soon get
accustomed to it,

and it won't affect
your health in any way.

You best keep it in a jar
filled with spirits--

Wait, or better still,
I suggest cover it

in two spoonfuls of hot vodka
and a little vinegar.

That way, you can preserve it.

Might even get good money for it.

I'd consider buying it myself

as long as the price isn't too high?

- Never! I wouldn't dream of
selling it, not at any price.

My dear Madam Alexandra
Grigorievna, I really must insist.

I've come here on a
most serious mission.

I'm surprised and disappointed

that you don't appear to
understand my position.

- It is a misfortune for you
to lose your precious nose,

but after all, you
mustn't break your word.

I'm afraid it's very little
to do with your marriage.

- Nothing can change my mind.

Marriage is out of the question.

I have to inform you that this marriage

to your daughter will
not be at all possible

at the moment because
of the inconvenience.

I have to find my nose.

- Are you saying you would
dare to insult my family

like this by breaking your
promise to marry my daughter?

Take heed of my revenge, sir.

I'll see you pay for this affront.

- You seem to forget,
as I've already said,

you brought this terrible
misfortune on me.

I still feel convinced
you put a spell on me.

I'm haunted by this really
preposterous councillor

wearing my nose.

A man who has been here,

entertained in your house
on several occasions.

- If you are talking of
Philip Ivanovich,

he did occasionally pay us a visit.

And he did court my daughter,

but without success, I'm afraid.

- That's of no concern to me.

Obviously you were both
involved in it.

That is to say, the theft of my nose.

Should the said article not
be returned to me by tonight,

I'll be forced to bring the matter

to the notice of the police.

You may take my word for it.

- So, someone has stolen your nose.

Well... and you say you
might never recover it?

Well, let me advise you,
without a beak, dear sir,

marriage to a daughter of mine

is completely out of the
question, whatever you offer her.

Have you heard the news?

Major Kovalyov has gone
completely mad, poor thing.

(lively chamber music)

- Marriage of Kovalyov is off

'cause she says his nose
has been stolen.

- No!
- Yes.

- Did you hear about
Major Kovalyov?

It was because of his nose!

(lively chamber music)

- I say, did you hear
Kovalyov lost his nose?

(both laughing)

- Kovalyov is searching
for his nose, Your Majesty.

(laughs)

(pistol firing)

- Little Dascha is terrified.

She says she heard
someone shooting.

Did you hear it?

- [Kovalyov] Bring me in
some tea, you peasant.

Major Kovalyov is talking to you!

But first, do you see this pistol?

Clean it.

You shall wake me at dawn.

Meanwhile, I will finish
writing my will.

I have decided this is the
only honorable way left to me.

I will take the pistol and
blow my brains out at dawn.

A drink, to death!

Dismissed.

(suspenseful music)

What time is it?

- It's early yet, sir.

And Ivan has been your
most faithful servant,

until you decide to stop
breathing, one might say.

- Forgive us our sins.

It's such a mean trick to
play on anyone!

Please believe me,
you're wearing my nose.

(laughing)

- Ivan has been so trustworthy
and loyal to his master.

He always sympathized
with his lordship,

whenever you felt depressed.

- Tell him he can have
the new spare room carpet.

(melancholy music)

- It will be such a pity.

Ivan will be without a friend.

He has to be so brave,
doesn't he?

With winter coming,
he'll need warm clothes.

When you think of it,
it isn't fair.

All those beautiful clothes,

the moths will eat them.

Its sad, sir, to think
you've so many

and you will never
wear them again.

- No, I never will.

- (sighs)
You have so many.

- Yes, so many.

What time is it?

- It's early yet, sir.

Your fur coat will fit Ivan.

- My nose...
Where is it?

- Where's your nose?

- Can you see my nose?

- I see a little birdy there.
(chuckling)

(laughs maniacally)

(ca ndlesticks clattering)

(dramatic music)

- [Kovalyov]
Hey!

(glass shattering)

(blowing)

(dramatic music)

The commander never let
anyone else shave him again.

One close shave was enough.

(suspenseful music)