All language subtitles for The.Seance.2021.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-EVO

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Are we ready to begin?

Okay, so I always begin
the evening with this caveat

that you are all here
for your own personal reasons.

I've never spoken with any
of you before other than to get

your names for the waiver

and obviously
just schedule tonight.

So, I have no idea what it is
that your personal intentions

are for being here.
I don't know who you came to

communicate
with or what you hope to gain

out of this evening.
That being said, I can't

promise you that you will get
what you came here for.

But I can promise
you one thing:

we will make contact
with something.

So, if that in any way does
not satisfy your expectations

for the evening, I do invite
you politely to leave now

and I will refund you in full.

Okay. Looks like we're all in,
so let's join hands.

You promise
contact every time?

Yeah, every time.
Whether I like it or not.

Hey, what do you think his
budget's like for the candles?

Stop it!

It's okay, Mary.
I respect skeptics.

Oh, usually,
a skeptic at a séance will

keep the ghost from appearing.

Not mine.

Look, Robert,
would you mind if I...

What the hell
kind of show is this?

Your form said
that no one was gonna get hurt.

No. No. It said that
no one has gotten hurt.

And Robert, it's not a show,
okay? You're not dealing

with me, you're dealing with
elements outside of my control.

They have their own voice
and volition

and I'm not
telling you to be submissive,

but it would help if you
approach the evening and try to

be a little bit more...

Subservient.

Deferential.

And to whatever spirit
just threw that cup,

please just... chill.

Chill?

Also, I have to remind
everyone that once we begin,

do not let go of each
other's hands, okay?

It is imperative
that no matter what happens

in this room,
we do not break the circle.

Throw another cup
at me, I'll break more

than just the circle.

You're free to leave
whenever you like, Mr. Morton.

Please.

It's gonna
be a lively evening.

- Unintended?
- Shh.

If there is a spirit here,

please ring this bell.

If there
is a spirit in this room,

please make yourself
known by ringing the bell.

And don't throw any more cups.

Have you ever had to give
anyone their money back?

Yes, once, a long time ago.

But that was just
because a Confederate ghost

soldier said some really
inappropriate things.

Confederate
ghost soldiers ever not PC?

It's why we stopped
using the Ouija board.

Can we? Thank you.

Okay. If the spirit
is still present,

I ask that you...

- Okay, Robert... you ask.
- You broke the circle.

I'm not
inviting anyone in tonight.

Robert, please ask.

Ask what?

If there's
a spirit in this room,

please ring the bell.

If there is a spirit
in this room, please...

My water.

Everyone,
without breaking the circle,

just move
your knees out of the way.

- The table's on wheels.
- Yes. Yes it is.

Because it used to scratch
the shit out of my hardwood

floor when this would happen.

Okay.

Looks like it's to you, Amanda.

Um, what do I... what do I do?

Just ask it what's up.

If there is a...

To the spirit in this room,

I ask you please ring
this bell.

Is that normal?

It happens, I mean,
some of the spirits use

the instruments to communicate.

I have the piano and these
other instruments.

Amanda.

Are you... are you trying
to communicate

with someone specific?

Go ahead, ask.

Um...

Eric, is that you?

Eric, if that's you,
please just give me a sign.

It's him.

"Raindrops."

You recognize this?

Chopin.

"Raindrops Prelude Op. 28."

Eric hated to play it, but...
but it's one of my favorites.

It's a little grim.

I know. It picks up, this
is the middle, just listen.

Chopin's lover, George Sand,
named it because she said

it reminded her
of the raindrops on Majorca.

Who's Eric?

Oh. He's, um... was...

He is my husband.

He drowned
in our lake last January.

No. No, Eric, wait,
no, come back, please.

Are you okay?

Where did he go? Is he gone?

Okay. This happens sometimes.
Ask him for a yes.

Say, "Eric, give me a yes."

E... Eric, give me a yes.

Okay, now, "Give me a no."

Eric, give me a no.

Okay. So, high note is yes,
low note is no.

Are you okay?

Was it me?

Our dog, Samson?

Samson?

Oh, my God, thank you.

Thank you.

See, the police said that Eric
drowned himself in the lake,

but our... our dog, he went
missing on the same day.

The police said that Samson
run away because Eric

left the door open, but he...
but he didn't run way,

because he wouldn't run away.

Samson fell in.

And you were trying
to save him.

I'm sorry

that they said that about you.

But I... I never believed it.

Not once.

Bach... it was his favorite.

Invite me in.

Break.

I told you
not to break the circle.

You broke it first.

What are you, five years old?

You're five years old.

Okay. I don't ask that
every participant

- believe in exactly what I do.
- I do believe...

I just ask, could you
at least show some respect

to the process and if you can't
do that, show some respect to

these people who came here,
genuinely open with a purpose.

- You're right, I'm... I'm sorry.
- It's fine. Everyone's fine.

All right, let's see who else

we can get
to play us some tunes.

Thanks for coming by.

I'm, uh,
sorry for how I acted earlier.

No, it's fine.

That was a... neat show.

Ow.

It wasn't a damn show, Bob.

- I was being nice.
- It's fine.

I'm glad you had a good time.

I did. See? He gets me.

It was incredible.
Shelly was right about you.

- Well, thank you.
- Can I tell all my friends?

Thank you very much.

Oh, have a good night.

Hi.

Um... uh, thank you.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting
your jacket all wet.

It's fine, hey.

You okay?
Yeah.

- Oh.
- No, no.

- Hey, I can't.
- Oh, no, please.

It's not necessary.

That was worth every penny.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

Okay, good night.

Drive safe.

My mum used to have
a figurine just like this.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Where is she now?

- Denver.
- Cool.

CIA Illuminati doomsday bunker.

Huh?

Never mind.

- I'm sorry.
- For?

Breaking the circle.

It's fine.

It didn't seem fine.

Well, you know,
you could have allowed

an ancient, malevolent,
gatekeeping entity to wreak

havoc as it sees fit,
but hindsight is 20/20.

Well, I'm very
sorry for the inconvenience.

What did you think?

Of the ancient, malevolent,
gatekeeping entity?

The séance?

Oh, well, I thought it was
real entertaining.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Are they
always that lively?

Oh, I mean,
we get the occasional

banging on an instrument,
you know, some music,

but Chopin...
it's a whole new level.

I think
Eric really knew his stuff.

- May I?
- Yeah.

Do you play?

Nothing outside
of "Chopsticks."

So, how's it look?

- Clean.
- Yeah, I dust.

Are you... are you looking for
something in particular, or...

No. Just looking.
Does that offend you?

No, no. No, I think a healthy
amount of skepticism

is a good thing.

You know, healthy amount.

By the way,
I didn't get your last name.

- It's Andrea... Andrea, what?
- Uh, you can call me Andy.

- Okay.
- I'd love to come back.

- To?
- Here. Another séance.

Okay. Yeah.

Would it be possible
to bring my camera?

- No.
- Why not?

I don't allow people to
take pictures inside the house.

This would be video.

It's funny, I found out that,
uh, moving pictures

are still pictures.
Did you know that?

You afraid of something?

Yes.

You afraid that people will...

see the strings, so to speak?

How did you hear about
me in the first place?

A friend at a party.

Okay. And what about
you made them think

you'd be interested
in a séance?

He knows that I'm interested
in these types of things.

- Spiritualism?
- Ghosts and the like.

Hmm. Did you Google me?

- I did.
- What'd you find?

- Not much.
- Oh, what'd you search?

"Nathan Greene medium."
"Nathaniel Greene psychic."

"Nate Greene séance." Greene
with an E. Green without an E.

"Spooky ookie scary
house Greene."

And all of that came up dry?

Indeed it did.

Huh.

But, you know,
I'm not a psychic.

I don't do tarot
or palm readings and...

I'm not a medium, so.

- No?
- No. No, no.

A medium's like
a conduit to the spirit world.

That's not what I am.

So, what are you?

I'm just a dude who holds
séances at his house.

- But you charge for them.
- Yeah, I do.

Well, I only bring it up
because if I was to film one

of your séances,
it could help get the word out,

drum up business.

Are you offering to
make me a commercial?

A viral video could be
just as good as a commercial.

Wait. You can
guarantee that, going viral?

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay, listen, Andrea,
I gotta ta...

- Andy.
- Yeah, sure.

Andy, you didn't find
anything about me because

I don't really advertise, okay?
I don't do interviews,

and I don't promote
on social media, so...

I don't know if you noticed,
though, in spite of that fact,

the entire table was full
tonight, and it will be full

tomorrow night and probably
every night hereafter,

so I really do
appreciate the attention,

but just... I think I'm doing
fine by word of mouth alone.

Speakeasy spiritualist.

What will
the hipsters think of next?

I don't know.

May I?

Sure.

You know, I cannot believe that

you put wheels on this thing.
I mean, you had to know

that people
would call you a fraud.

Yeah, I don't really care
if people think I'm a fraud.

- Yeah, well, I would.
- Yeah, I know you would.

You know, I thought
you were into it.

Into what?

You know,

ghosts and the like.

I am, but as you said,
a healthy amount

of skepticism is a good thing.

Just, you know, you don't
really seem to be that into it,

any of the stuff you've
seen here tonight.

Yeah, well, that way if I
ever am completely convinced,

I'll know that I've
done my due diligence.

Hmm. So, you were
not completely convinced

of anything you witnessed?

- Truth?
- Yeah.

I was not.

The banging could be rigged
floorboards, the pendulum

- could be on a string.
- Hmm.

The candles are strategically
placed for well-hidden fans.

- And the knocking?
- At the front door?

- Yeah.
- Well, that's easy.

Probably still here.

Who is still here?

Your cohorts.

- I'm sorry, my cohorts?
- Your posse.

My posse?
I have a posse now?

- You do.
- Cool.

- It's news to me.
- Yeah.

I mean, it's all
pretty explainable,

except for the piano.

Well, I mean,
could be a player piano.

Let's see.

All right.

Ye... Uh...

You're... Okay.

You're just gonna stand? Okay.

- Okay. Well, it definitely was.
- Hmm.

But not like any that I've ever
seen. I mean, old school

players, they're pneumatic
and they have tubes and rigging

and stuff.
The new ones are digital,

but it would still need
a mechanism

- to make the keys move.
- Hmm.

And now that I think of it,
it should have a power code.

But I checked while
you were at the door

and I didn't find anything.

Huh, you know a shitload
about player pianos.

I've watched
an unhealthy amount

of American Pickers.

Well, you know, it could
be battery-operated somehow.

Could be, but how would you
have gotten rid

of the device
and the battery so fast?

Oh, I mean, the posse.

Yeah, could have been.

But I didn't
see anyone grab anything,

and believe me, I was looking.

Oh, I believe you.

And the notes were so perfect.
Well done on that, by the way.

I mean, to play
that piece that solidly

would have
taken a sizable device.

Unless... you invented
a new type of player piano.

Uh, my garbage disposal hasn't
been working since, like, June.

Huh?

I just... I mean, it goes
like.

Turns on, it just doesn't
really dispose of garbage.

So...

What's your point?

Just that I'm not very handy,
so I'm probably not the best

candidate for somebody who,
you know, invented some

new technology
for player pianos.

- Fair enough.
- Yeah.

- How did I know the song?
- What song?

The rainbow drops.

It's a very famous song.

- It's not that famous.
- It's Chopin.

Yeah, but it's classical music,
so, like, who really

listens to classical
music these days?

Eric did.

Okay, how
did I know about him?

- Google.
- Right, Google.

Best friend to all you
skeptics and conspiracists.

I guess you could find anything
that you want on there.

So, you actually think that I...
I what... I Googled Amanda

before she came here,
and I just stumbled across some

Facebook post mentioning her
deceased Chopin-loving husband?

- You've got it.
- Well, shit.

- Yep.
- Yeah, you got me.

Sorry.

I think maybe you should
go and tell everyone how

you humiliated the charlatan.

- Let me film you.
- Like one of your French girls?

I want to film a séance.

No one takes pictures
inside this house.

Please.

No one takes pictures
inside this house.

Come on, people
should see this show.

- People do.
- More people.

You know, a couple years ago,
some friends of friends

brought some people from LA,
these big producer types.

They sat through the séance,
they loved it and they offered

me a network deal
that night for a show.

It was going to be like
Queer Eye meets Crossing Over.

The... S... You're gay?

Wh... No, that's... The point is,
is I turned them down.

Oh, you're saying
that you can't be bought.

No. I'm saying
that these execs,

they could have made millions
of dollars off of that deal

and they didn't even try
as hard as you are right now,

so I'm
wondering why you care so much.

I'm a generous soul who likes
to see good artists succeed.

So, you're offering
me your patronage?

By way of YouTube hits, yeah.

Huh. It's a pretty sweet plan.

- Right?
- Yeah, yeah.

There's
just one problem with it.

No one takes pictures
inside this house.

You got it. Good job.

Ta-da!

Delete that photo.

Whoa, butterfingers.
It's broken glass...

Delete the photo
right now, please.

What, are you in witness
protection or something?

No, it's for your own safety.
Just delete the photo.

- Are you threatening me?
- No, listen to me.

It's... it's a warning.
Please delete the photo.

- Warning about what?
- Andrea, delete the photo.

All right, ca... calm down.
And it's Andy.

Here.

Oh, you guys are good.

What?

You guys are fucking good.

What are you talking about?

Right, what am I talking about?

You know, the longer
you guys mess with me,

the longer I'm gonna linger.

Andy, did you delete the photo?

No, I will not delete
this photo until you tell

- me how you're doing it.
- Doing what?

Your friend with the white
contacts skulking

in the background
of the picture?

I mean, I swear to God,
I won't tell anyone,

but I mean, what does he,
just, like, hang around

- and wait for someone to... Hey!
- Okay, listen to me.

Does your phone
back up to the cloud?

If the cloud buys it a drink.

- Does it or not?
- No, it doesn't.

Fine. No.

- That's theft.
- Yeah.

Coming from the person
who won't leave my property.

It's only trespassing
if there's a sign.

You know, this is exactly
why I don't let the press

into my freaking séances.

- Press, who's press?
- You tell me.

Does it actually count
as journalism if you're just,

you know, debunking
the occult for YouTube shows?

If you ask my father, he would
say no, that's not journalism.

You know who I am?

Yeah.
I know who you are.

You are Andy don't-call-me
Andrea Myers,

number one paranormal
investigator and Australian

host of Fact,
Fiction, or Folklore.

Do you actually meet
people who don't recognize

you in this industry anymore?

Shockingly, I have.

YouTube-famous isn't
the same as real-world famous.

I'm really sorry that
you have to deal with that.

That sounds very hard.

I can't
imagine what that's like.

You think I'm number one?

I assume that you came
here to... humiliate me

and show the world what
a fraud I am.

No, I came here to scope
things out because you've got

two people
whose opinions I really value,

who are convinced
that you're the real deal.

Huh.

And they insisted
that I check you out.

Hmm. Remind me to thank
whoever they are.

When did you spot me?

Soon as you walked
through the Goddamn door.

- What, so you lied then?
- What do you mean?

You just said that you won't
allow press into your séance,

and apparently you clocked
me from the get-go.

- So, why was I allowed to stay?
- I don't know, sadomasochism.

Seriously?

- You wanna know?
- Yeah.

You actually
really want to know?

Sliding off my seat
in anticipation.

Russel Beetz.

Who's that?

You YouTubers
don't know anything

outside of your own use.

Russel Beetz, like yourself,
was an occult debunker

who was a writer, and he was
very popular in the '90s

and early aughts.

He fell out of fashion
when people stopped

reading
and started watching more...

- YouTube.
- Yeah.

Video killed
the occult book star.

Russel Beetz was a pretty
well-known skeptic,

and three years ago,
he came to one of my séances.

He didn't give me his real
name, so I didn't even know

he was there,
but something else sure knew.

So, we go into the ritual
like normal,

and halfway through,
we make contact with this

participant's deceased wife.

I don't know why. Maybe it's
just a... a lifetime of busting

charlatans like me
or something, but Beetz

really got pissed off
and started screaming at me.

Pulled up to his feet
and started tearing me

a new one in front
of everybody, saying that,

"There's strings over here,
there's a remote for the bell,

and he's not
talking to your wife.

She's dead and gone
and never coming back."

He got pissed, grabbed
the metronome, and smashed it

on the ground.

Had that thing
since I was a kid.

Couple of years back,
I debunked a guy

on my show and he punched
me square in the face.

Yeah, Stanley Hanson.
I love that episode.

- It's my favorite.
- Rude.

So, what?
Beetz just stormed out?

No. No, hell no,
I kicked his ass out.

Literally.

Remind me to stay away
from your metronome.

Listen, it gets worse.

People, when they come to these
things, they... they bring

something with them. Even
the nonbelievers, something

accompanies them. When we form
the circle, we open a doorway,

and we only let through
the things we want,

but when the circle is broken...

Yeah, okay. I get it.
I broke the circle.

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.

So was Russel Beetz.

What'd he see?

I don't know.

I never spoke to him
again after the séance.

Well, then,
how did you hear that story?

Because the police told me.

Right after Russel
killed himself.

Get the fuck out.

Google it.

Your favorite, right?

One week to the minute after
he interrupted that séance,

Russel was dead.

And naturally, because of our
little fight at the table,

the police thought
I was a suspect,

so they came to question me.

But thankfully,
I was out shopping, so there

was ample surveillance
footage to act as an alibi.

- Convenient.
- Yeah.

Anyway, after they cleared me,
I started talking to one

of the police officers about
how they found this book

that Russel
had started working on.

Recanting all of his former
work. And apparently,

the first chapter in that book
was the story I just told you.

Well, sure, but he could have
made all of that up.

Yeah, he could have.

That wouldn't really
explain why he killed himself.

Also wouldn't explain
the photo.

What photo?

After they searched his house,
they looked at his computer

and they found an email
from the night of the séance

and there was a photo
of Russel sitting at his desk,

and behind him, there was
a dark figure with white eyes.

- No shit.
- Yeah.

Can I see it?

I don't have the photo.

What do you mean
you don't have the photo?

I mean, it was police evidence.

I'm just telling
you what the cop told me.

Of course
you don't have the photo.

I mean, that photo
would be indisputable proof

- of life after death.
- Are you serious?

Come on, nothing
is indisputable to you

skeptic vultures.

I'm gonna take
that as a compliment.

I'm just saying, you know,
shows like yours would be

the first to try to
refute it and say something

like the picture was obviously
photoshopped or the cops

were in on the prank.
You'd say whatever you have to.

Yeah, well, you really can
Photoshop anything these days.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

That story was all
to explain why you don't

allow press into your séances?

- Yeah.
- Well, not to harp on about it,

but you allowed me
to stay tonight.

Yeah, I did.

Were you hoping
that I would piss off a ghost

and then it would follow
me home and one week later,

I would seppuku myself,
Ringu style?

I guess I was just hoping
I could convince you.

But you know,
now that you mentioned it,

spiritualists really
do hate your show.

Apparently so do the spirits.

Pick up the...

Pick up the knife. Pick up
the knife. Pick up the knife.

Shit.

Okay,
that wasn't fucking funny.

- What?
- That door could have hit me.

No, it couldn't have.

What do you mean couldn't have?

I don't have
that kinda luck.

You know, I don't mind being
mocked in some bullshit séance.

But the moment it gets
physical,

that is crossing the line.

Yeah, well, you know,
if you really don't feel safe

in my house,
you do have the right to leave

anytime you want.

Hey!

Just verifying
that it's broken.

Yeah, and if I was
the liar you think I am,

you could have
taken my hand off.

I don't have that kind of luck.

You know,
you are extremely annoying.

Oh, quit flirting with me.

I'm not flirting with you.

You skeptics,
you drive me freaking crazy.

Well, comes
with the territory, chief.

Yeah. Well, you know,
I never really wanted

to be in this territory, pal.

- But you did.
- No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

The moment that you started
accepting money for duping

people in mourning and became
a professional spiritualist,

you entered
the realm of the skeptic.

Yeah, but I never
really wanted to be

a professional
spiritualist, so...

- Occultist.
- That neither.

So, what did you want to be?

A botanist.

You wanted
to become a botanist?

Yeah, I was a botanist.

I got a degree at Berkeley,
and then I worked at UC Davis,

and then I got a job at
UC Riverside, and then I moved

back to Pennsylvania, and got
a job at Carnegie Mellon.

So, you... you were really
a botanist?

Yes. What is... Is that, like,
hard to imagine?

Prove it.

W... What?

Okay. Okay.

Come on.

Mm-hmm.

Boom. Botanist.

Huh.

Whoa.

Got any weed in here?

No.

Yeah, okay.

But you could just be
a nerd who likes plants?

Yeah, it's kinda
the definition of a botanist.

So, yeah.

- Say something smart.
- Like what?

Like something only
a botanist would know.

What would that prove?

- Just do it.
- Okay.

Um, plants utilize an enzyme
called rubisco to fix carbon

dioxide from the air,
which is pretty much

- responsible for the...
- You are a botanist.

I... yeah.

Yeah.

I hope you approach
your occult debugging

with a little bit
more rigor than that.

You're a scientist.

Was.

Okay, I'm going to need
to hear the whole story.

Yeah, I don't think so.

You know, you're my
occupational nemesis,

so why would I share that
personal information with you?

If you tell me, I'll leave.

If I call the cops,
you'll leave.

That's true. But then
there's paperwork. So, come on.

Regale me with the tale
of how one goes from being

in the field of science
to one of science fiction,

and I'll bugger off.

Look, séances
are not science fiction.

- Okay?
- No, they're séance fiction.

Okay, that was good.

So, you get one story and then
you have to leave, okay?

Deal.
Can I have a glass of that?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Okay.

So, up until 2012,
I was living the super boring

botanist life and pretty
much loving every minute of it.

What happened in 2012?

It's when I moved
into this house.

And pretty much right away,
I started to feel

things were a bit askew.

- Were you scared?
- No.

I mean, it's an old house,
you know,

wood expands and contracts,
wind blows

in strange ways. Kinda...
It's par for the course.

Plus, I was an atheist,
so I wasn't really

thinking about ghosts,
but then...

Okay, yeah, no.

- Now I know this is horseshit.
- What do you mean?

You can't honestly expect me
to believe that this

is a haunted house and
you're this atheist

turned spiritualist character,
come on.

Yeah, I feel like I've made
it abundantly clear

that I really don't care what
you think because this house

is haunted and you can't
believe...

What the fuck?

Don't worry.
That was not ghosts.

It's just a wonky floorboard.

- Yeah, none of it's ghosts.
- Well, some of it's ghosts.

Sorry, are my
scary stories getting to you?

No.

You fucking rigged that.

No, the universe just loves me.

Uh, where was I? Um...

- Your house sucks?
- Yes, yes, it does.

So, my buddy Sean
was over watching TV

with me when
I first moved in and...

Welcome,
welcome, welcome. Well, ladies

and gents, this is the one we
have been waiting for...

You embarrass me, man.

... go head to
head. They've been at each

other all year, there's been
a bit of trash talk between

them also, some of the big
players...

- Is that you?
- No, you?

No.

But now,
the time for talking is done.

It is time for them
to come out on the pitch.

We're gonna see who
is the best team today.

What the fuck?!

So, the ghost used
that same low piano note?

- Yeah.
- Just like Eric?

Yeah.

So, even if all this were true,

- which it's not...
- Which it is.

...how do you know that Eric
was the one playing the piano

tonight and not whatever
is haunting this house?

Well, okay.
I guess I don't know for sure.

So, even if it were all true,

- which it's not...
- Which it is.

...you, sir,
could still be a fraud,

because you have no
way of knowing whether

entities
are who they say they are.

Okay.
Yeah, that's a fair point.

Would it make you feel
better if I add that

to the whole pre-séance
disclaimer portion?

- No.
- Okay.

Continue.

So, this all happened
about a week before

Halloween and my buddy
Sean thought it'd be

a fun idea
to hold a séance and...

Are we ready to begin?

Are there
any spirits present tonight?

Were you the one messing
with the TV earli...

Don't break the circle.

The website said not
to break the circle.

Can you please tell me that one
of you rigged the table?

Uh, okay.
What is it you want?

I... I think it has to be
a yes or no question.

Okay.

Is that a yes?

And a no?

What the fuck? Please
tell me that you are knocking.

I read about these
two sisters that fake

séances by
knocking with their toes.

Are you knocking
with your toes?

- Okay, very cute.
- I did... did you knock?

Negative.

All right,
everyone scoot your chairs in.

- Don't break the circle.
- Without breaking the circle,

move you're chairs in,
spread your legs...

Said your mom.

...and touch the feet
of the person next to you.

Okay.

So, whoever's foot
is on top, press down. Ow!

Oh, it wasn't that hard.

Okay.
So, we're all feeling secure?

Eh.

- Spirit.
- Spirit?

What?

Isn't that a little impersonal?

Oh, I'm sorry, do they
have preferred pronouns?

Spirit.

Did you used
to live in this house?

Did you die in this house?

Are you the lease
holder of this house?

I think it likes Nate.

Yeah, it does.

Spirit... did you used
to live in this house?

Did anyone's foot move?

Did you die in this house?

Is that something different?

Maybe someone different?

Are there more than
one of you present?

More than two of you?

Nate.

Are there
more than three of you?

Are there more than ten of you?

Okay, Nate, please stop.

- Don't break the circle.
- Fuck the circle.

More than 20?

I don't want
to do this anymore.

More than 30?

Whoa, Nate, dude,
let's give this a rest.

- Are there more than 40 of you?
- Nate!

Seriously.

- So, what did she do?
- Oh, she broke up with me.

- That's harsh.
- Yeah. I mean,

I can't really say
I blame her, though.

- Why not?
- Because she asked me to stop

and I felt like I needed to
figure out what was going on.

I, uh, live here,
so I kind of need to know.

I had another séance
and that's when I realized

why the pendulum had
pointed to Meredith.

Why did it point at her?

Because someone in her family
was trying to make contact.

So, I delivered the message.

- Mm. She shot the messenger.
- Yeah.

And if that is true,
that is super messed up.

I guess it's a good thing
that it's not true then, huh?

Hmm. Just saying.

- So, I hate to be a pest.
- Oh, do you?

But that still doesn't

explain why you're
not a botanist.

Oh, I was fired.

- Inappropriate plant touching?
- No.

Well, yeah, but they
didn't know about that.

No, my friend Sean told people

about the séance and then
word traveled pretty fast.

Next thing you know,
a bunch of people are coming

up to me, asking me to
talk to their dead loved ones,

and once they started
coming to my place of work,

my boss didn't like
that very much, so he fired me.

Mm. Occupational hazard.

Yeah. Obviously, I needed to
find some other source

of income, so that's when I
opened the doors to Hell House

to the public
and started charging.

And you never
thought about leaving?

I sunk all my money into
this place when I moved here,

and it is kind of hard
to sell a house that people

know is haunted, so...

But I did eventually
fall in love with it.

Yeah, okay, but if you sunk
all your money into this

- place...
- Mm-hmm.

...and you have no
other source of income,

then why wouldn't
you want free advertising?

Oh. Nice. Good segue.

No, but really.

Nate, I get it, okay.

You don't want to
admit that it's a show.

I understand.
I was part of the club, too,

- Magician's Code and all that.
- Hmm.

But with the show that you've
created here and my platform

from which to advertise,
I mean, you could kick off

a whole new renaissance
of classic parlour shows.

I just... I don't really
understand your angle

'cause earlier you were
super worried about

duping the emotionally
vulnerable and now

you're trying to help
me drum up business, so...

Duping, no. We'd... we'd
tell them that it's not real.

They'd know that it was a show.

Nate, look,
I'm talking human-to-human.

You've got
to make a living, right?

So, why not do it honestly?

I mean, we'll both have
fun and...

What is that light?

Is that another room?

Oh, come on.

- Does this open like a door?
- Here, watch out.

Is this your bedroom?

Yes. I'll thank you not
to go snooping around.

This is a stupid spot
for a master bedroom, it's

- right near the front door.
- No offense taken.

Why wouldn't you just
shack up on the second floor?

Oh, I don't suppose the fact
that it's haunted would

be a sufficient answer for you?

No, it wouldn't.

Although I guess
you do probably have

your little muppets
living up... puppets.

Mm...

Andy. What...
what are you doing?

Hey, stop!

It's a marionette show,
isn't it?

You have drilled holes
in your second floor

and that is how
you manipulate your séances.

That is the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

- No, please come down.
- Oh, I can top that.

No, please, come down now!

Ooh, you really don't want me
to see what's upstairs, do you?

What is it?
Magician's assistant?

Oh, I know,
it's probably your buddy, Sean.

Okay. I'll play.

It's okay.
Look, this happens sometimes.

- Where are they?
- Where's who?

Come on, Andy, what's it gonna
take to make you believe?

Oh, come on,
Nate, what, spirits?

Spirits did this?

Okay. As a man of science,
explain to me

how a non-physical entity
is lighting all these

candles and building
pyramids out of chairs.

Best answer I can give
you is quantum mechanics.

It's well established that
at the subatomic level,

particles cease to obey
classical physics

and they even behave
differently depending

on whether or not they're
observed, so...

W... I'm sorry, particles know
when they're being observed?

Yes.

Okay, well, don't just say yes

like it's common knowledge.

Well, double-slit experiment,
you can look it up.

It's pretty cool. But the point
is, is what it shows is that

all matter behaves both
as a particle and a wave.

So, at that point, you kind
of have to acknowledge...

Okay, sorry.

You said all matter
behaves as both a particle

and a wave, so I'm...
Give me a second.

So, w... Okay, what exactly is
it that you're trying to say?

Basically,
I believe that ghosts

are the waveform
versions of people.

Ghosts are wave people!

That's your big theory,
ghosts are wave people?

It's the really
simplified version, yeah.

I mean,
I have a much more complex

explanation involving
electromagnetism

and conservation of energy
that describes how they

actually move objects and
conjure things out of thin air.

But for your sake,
I'll keep it simple.

Okay.
Offense taken.

But if all this is true,

then it should be repeatable in
an experimental setting, right?

I can get ghosts
to do this kind of stuff any

night of the week, Andy.

Ah, right there.
Any night of the week.

Why do ghosts only
come out at night?

I can get them to do
it during the day, too,

but that doesn't matter,
does it?

Because you're not
interested in anything

besides disproving something.

That's not true. I'm
interested, it's just that...

I know a good trick when I see
it and... and this was

one of the best tricks
that I've ever seen.

And how is it that you know
so much about tricks?

Huh?

I mean,
you mentioned being in some

kind of club and you mentioned
Magician's Code earlier.

- Would you look at the time?
- So, are you a magician?

I didn't think that we really
need to go into-

Nope, come on,
you just put me through

like an hour-long
cavity search,

the least you can do is just
answer some personal questions.

Are you?

Okay.

It is possible that I was
Magician of the Year at age 12.

- What? In your hometown?
- No, in the country.

Australia?

No. We were
in the States by then.

What is that, like 80, 90
magicians?

- 7,358.
- All 12-year-olds?

No, I was best
of all the magicians.

Come on, Andy.

At 12 years old, you were
the best magician in the world?

Country.

Google it.

Okay.

Type
"The Mysterious Ms. Myers."

Oh, no way, this is
am... That's you? Look at that!

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, this is amazing.

This totally makes up for
the whole cavity search thing.

Does it?

Is that you shaking
hands with Magic Johnson?

- Mm-hmm.
- Geez.

Okay. Okay, so I don't get it.

If you were so successful,
why aren't you doing

a show in Vegas or something?

I quit.

I don't know, I was a teenager
and magic was like,

so lame and... I don't know,
I... I guess I... I kind

of gave up my
passion for popularity.

- I just got it.
- What?

The Magic Johnson giving
you a magic award thing,

that's... that's pretty clever.
Wait, so I don't understand,

that doesn't explain
how you got into debunking.

My mom died.

I'm... I'm sorry...

It's... it's fine. I... I was 20.
I was away at college

and she slipped on some ice.

Yeah, I was pretty
messed up for a while and went

to see bunch of therapists,
but when I didn't get what

I needed there,
I... I went to a...

Okay, I went into a psychic.

Okay.
All... all makes sense now.

We did a séance
and I could see all the 101

magician bullshit that she was
pulling and it made me super

mad and here I am.

So, one fake convinced you to
just establish your entire

life around proving
that all mediums are fake?

My entire life?
What do you mean?

Exactly
what do you think YouTube

spiritualists debunkers make?

- Oh...
- I'm a financial planner.

I just do this shit
on the side for fun.

For fun.

Okay.

In that case, I feel
extra guilty that you weren't

able to figure out how
I was tricking you.

- Marionettes.
- Mm-mm.

Okay. Well,

seeing as we know each
other a little better now...

let me film a séance...

I'm not going to let you film
one of your séances, no.

I'm not going
to give up, you know.

Yeah, I can see that.

In that case,
nature nerd, walk a girl out.

- Sure you're good to drive?
- Yeah.

I actually only live, like,
ten minutes away, so...

- Wow.
- Oh, my God, we should, like,

totally hang out sometime.

We should
totally, like, not do that.

My charm will win
you over, Nate Greene.

Mm. Mysterious Ms. Myers.

- Eat shit, plant-fucker.
- Ooh.

You know, that would actually
be really good for plants,

if they were to eat shit.

Shut up.

Since feces
is literal plant food.

That's why they
use it as fertilizer.

I'm going to turn around
and if I see something,

I'm going to be very upset and
I will cancel tomorrow séance.

Turning around in three, two...

Thank you.

- Hey.
- Jesus, Myers.

- What are you-
- You know, there was a second...

a second where I thought
that you might not

be some slimy piece
of shit con artist.

- Whoa. Whoa.
- When did you do this?

- What?
- Where did you and your friends

- even get my number?
- I don't have any partners.

I don't know what
you're talking...

I am not being cute anymore.
Where are they?

- Wait.
- Hey, fuck sticks, I know

- there's someone else here.
- Andy!

Come out now and I'll only kick
his ass for real.

Andy, do not go up there,
please.

Fuck you.

Andy.

Andy.

Andy, come down.

Come down.

Andrea.

Andrea.

Andy, come down now!

Andy, come down now!

Andrea, I'm with you.

Behind you.

You have to go.

I don't know what
the hell kinda show this is,

but... what
are you doing with that?

Andy, you have to go.

I'm not going anywhere
until I see who's helping

you terrorize your guest.

I don't
understand what happened.

I got a call
from my mother.

You know, the one that's been
dead for ten years?

Okay, I can explain
but not here...

And I found this little trinket
that you planted for me.

You know,
I get that you figured out

who I was and thought it would
be fun to dupe the skeptic,

and I don't care if you're
a foot fucking taller than me...

bringing my mother into this...
that shit is not funny, Nate.

And if I can't beat
the shit out of you right now,

and believe me,
I'm going to try,

I will devote every show
of mine from now until

the motherfucking rapture
to tearing this house

of horrors to the ground.

Andy.

Listen to me, you were right.

I faked all of this tonight
and I planted that message on

your phone and I planted
the necklace and it was wrong.

I'm sorry.
Now please leave.

I thought
you said it was broken.

Andy.

Why do you have
the knife again?

Fuck, I think it wants me...

Nate, Nate cut it out.

Nate.

Nate, come on.

I'll leave, I promise,
just... just open the door.

I'm scared, okay?
You scared me.

I hope the cameras are rolling.

I'm Andy Myers
of Fact, Fiction, or Folklore,

and I'm fucking scared.

Now just open the door.

Nate! It's just
a YouTube show.

It's just
a fucking YouTube show.

We had an understanding.

Please.

Goddamn it,
Nate, open the door

or I'm gonna
break the fucking thing down!

Oh, sh...

Where's the knife?

It's on the ground,
I put it down.

Just back off,
away from the knife.

Okay, I just...
I'm trying to help you.

Screw...

- Oh, come on.
- What?

That, who the fuck
is that behind you?

Nate.

Nate. Nate.

Please be corn syrup.

Fuck YouTube.

Fuck!

You're nuts.

Let's get nuts.

Andrea.

Andy.

It's going to be tough.

I need you to listen.

I found you.

Ow, ow!

Nate,
thank God you're alive.

- You okay?
- Andy?

- Yeah.
- Did you just kick me?

I... I did, I'm sorry.

I kick when I get scared
and you scared me.

- My head hurts.
- That wasn't me.

What's happening?

Uh, your house
is trying to kill me.

Why would it attack me?

I don't know,
but it's definitely haunted.

Wouldn't it be great if my
posse came out right now?

It would. It really would.
How do we get out of here?

Do you think they'd
let you open the door?

I don't know.
There's one way to find...

I'll take that as a no.

Have you seen that one before?

No!

Down there, go.

Down the steps, come on.

Get in.

- Okay.
- Go.

- Ramming speed, motherfucker.
- Yeah, um, I can't.

Can't what?
I'll do it. I'll drive.

No. I...

I sorta don't...
I don't have the keys.

What do you mean
you don't have the keys?

I mean the keys are upstairs
and I kind of got distracted

when that thing threw me
against the wall,

so I don't have the keys.

How do we get
out of this fucking house?

I don't know,
maybe we can pray...

Fifty bucks
says that will not work.

I'll Venmo you.

I'm going to die tonight...

with a former botanist
and his stupid shaggin' wagon.

Okay, there is a good
chance that we might die

tonight,
but probably not in this car.

- How do you know?
- I had it blessed.

- What?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I thought it would
be a good idea to have

a, you know, portable
poltergeist panic room.

Couldn't really have a priest
over to the house

without the house knowing,
so I drove over to a church

and had it blessed.

Right, so you thought
ahead to get a portable

- poltergeist panic room...
- Yeah.

...but not to hide a spare key?

I'm sorry, Nate, what
is the point in a portable

poltergeist panic room
if it's not portable?

Well, I don't know,
maybe moments like this

it's pretty useful, huh?

I didn't say it was
a foolproof plan.

So, what now?

I don't know, I guess we just
play games on our pho...

Yours too?

It seems even
Victorian-Era ghosts know

how to block cell
and Wi-Fi signal.

And if they did work,
then trust me, I would totally

be live-streaming this shit.

Yeah, you'd
be a shoe-in for a Webby.

- And posthumously, of course.
- Yeah.

Fact, Fiction, and Folklore's
final episode:

number one skeptic dies
in a portable poltergeist panic

room with a plant nerd.

Perfect.

I did tell
you not to break the circle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone said
I was gonna die in this house.

- What?
- Yeah.

It's not very supportive.

Yeah, I know, but I guess
a lot of them were right.

Ugh...

You know... you know
what the stupidest part is?

No, but I'd like to know.

I think I only stayed because
I knew I wouldn't be alone.

Okay, thank you.

I think I'd rather be alone.

What about you?

What about me?

I mean, you're always such
an angry skeptic.

- Thank you.
- No, I'm serious.

When I would watch your videos,
you... you just seemed... mad.

I am mad.

I mean, it... it didn't
start out that way, but...

It started out with me
just wanting to know,

but the more I learned,
the more frauds I uncovered,

and the angrier I got.

I guess
it's kind of a vicious cycle.

Well, in your defense,
you did expose a lot of frauds.

Hmm. All but one.

You know,
I think really, though, I...

I just wanted to know.

Know what?

That she was there.

So, I could...
Uh, I just wanted to know.

She is.

Thanks.

No, Andy, she is.

Yeah, I know.

No, Andy,
I'm not being metaphorical,

your mom is literally
here with us tonight.

I... I told you spirits
can make objects appear,

and I never went out and bought
some bumblebee necklace,

and yet all that bumblebee
stuff was all over

my house tonight.
Your mom is clearly here trying

to communicate with you.

She's here?

Why didn't you tell me?

Wha... just what? Tell the super
angry skeptic that her dead mom

is trying
to communicate with her?

I would have listened.

I wouldn't have interrupted.

I would have
called you an asshole.

A hundred percent you would
have called me an asshole.

But if she's here
and she's trying to

communicate with me...
then maybe she's the answer.

What do you mean?

She planted
all of that stuff,

the... the necklace
and the figurine and the lamp.

She's... she's trying to let us
know that she's gonna help us.

We've got to go back upstairs.

Wait, whoa, hey, Andy,
we don't know for cer...

Do not leave the portable
poltergeist panic room.

Wait.

Mum, open the door.
Mum, come on.

Mum, open...
No, she can do it.

- Come on.
- No.

Why isn't she helping us?

I don't know, maybe there's
just too many of them.

- Hey.
- Nate.

- Give me your hands.
- What are you doing?

- What's your mum's name?
- Patricia. Patty.

Okay. Okay, Patty Meyers,
I don't know if you're here

tonight to help us,
but if you are, please,

because if you don't,
I'm afraid that your wonderful

innocent daughter and her new
friend are gonna get

killed tonight. I'm pretty sure
I speak for both of us

when I say I don't want to die,
so please.

You try. Go.

Mum.
Mum, are you there?

I don't need proof,
we just need your help.

Mum, please help us.

No one will save you.

Mum, help us now.

Mum.

You can thank her later,
come on.

Okay.
Women and children first.

Just go.

Ow. Fuck. I'm all right.

- Suck it, Hell House.
- Yeah, look what...

Oh my God.

What the fuck?

Your mom couldn't keep it open
for three more seconds?

I'm sorry. I don't know, I
just... I celebrated too early.

- Yeah.
- My bad.

Yeah, your bad!

Why does all the bad
shit happen to me?

I won't post.

I won't post!

You guys have got a nice
place here and he's... can speak

to your living loved
ones and you don't want some

YouTuber coming in
and blowing up your spot.

I get it.

If I had a gateway
between spirit realms

I'd want to
keep that on lockdown, too.

What are you talking about?

I will never post a video
about this house, I promise.

Hell, I'll never even talk
to another living soul

about this place.
Your secret dies with me.

God, I won't post!

Is everything okay?

Yes.

We're just practicing
a fire drill.

We were?

Yeah, my husband and I were
practicing a fire drill

and the window fell on his leg,
but we're fine.

He's fine, we're fine.

We are?

Fucking fine.

Pretty stupid time
for a fire drill.

Yeah.

You, uh, want me to
call an ambulance?

No. And every minute
that I waste gabbing

to the noisy neighbor
is another minute we're...

I'm not taking him
to the hospital. So, go on.

Well, keep it down!
It's 1:00 AM.

Yeah. I'm sorry.
That's... that's my bad.

It's just the window
fell on my leg.

We will. Thank you.
Sweet dreams. Goodnight.

Don't touch.

- Hey, Andy.
- Yeah.

I'd really like
go the hospital now.

Sure thing, Nate.

You sure?

Yeah. I'm sure.

- I could help...
- No, it's okay.

Have a nice life, Myers.

You too, Greene.

Hi, this Andy,
leave me a message.

A million times
I've asked myself what I would

say if could give you
a message.

The standards are all here.
I'm proud.

I love you,
and I will always be with you.

But the one thing I must
tell you is, be tenacious.

Because you deserve
everything you want in life.

A million times I've
asked myself what I would

say if I could
give you a message.

A million times I've asked

myself what I would say
if I could give you a message.

I love you.
And I will always be with you.

But the one thing I must
tell you is, be tenacious.

The standards are all here.

I'm proud. I love you.

And I will always be with you.

But the one thing I must
tell you is, be tenacious.

Because you deserve
everything you want in life.

Hey, guys. Um...

I know I've been offline
for a little bit.

Um...

It's because...

It's because I was wrong.

Uh, and I've been
wrong for a really long time.

You see,
I started this show...

because I was heartbroken.

It felt like a piece
of me was missing and...

I really, really
wanted that piece back.

Um, when you hear all these
stories about spirits,

the afterlife, and...

thought that
just one of those was true,

just one...

that it might all be okay...

And that I might be okay.

Somewhere along the way,
I, um...

stopped believing
in that one thing.

I know that most
of you found my show

because you probably
felt exactly the same.

It's like me... angry,
and... I don't know,

maybe watching me be
angry helped you stay angry.

And it's no way to live.

And I'm not angry anymore.

And if me
explaining this to you

helps you stop being angry,
then... you deserve to know.

I found the one.

It exists.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull