All language subtitles for Miracle.Workers.2019.S03E02.ording-The-River.WEB_.H264-1821-HI

America.

God took extra care
when he made

this country,
didn't he, Benny?

You're talking about
the endless expanse of dirt

in front of us?

Ah, it's not just dirt.

Look, there's a big rock.

And a medium-sized rock.
That's fun.

Okay, Rev, this might be
a good time to remind you

that the only reason
I'm taking you

and your friends
to Oregon

is to avoid
swinging from a noose.

And I'm definitely
not here to have fun. Got it?

Got it. No fun
for the scary outlaw man.

[eagle screeches] Oh, my
gosh, Benny, a bald eagle!

Wow! No wonder it became
the symbol of America.

I mean,
look at its strength,

its majesty.
Ah, certainly this

is an auspicious sign
for our...

- [gunshot]
- Oh!

Why?

- [weak eagle squawk]
- You just killed America.

[cow moos]

[theme music playing]

[groans] Another long day
on the trail.

You thought today was tough,

tomorrow we're gonna be
fording our first river,

and it ain't
gonna be pretty.

Aside from
the natural beauty,

which will be stunning.

Wait, bup-bup-bup!

Let's not forget
about grace, though.

- Yep.
- [all groan]

Bless us, oh Lord,
and these thy gifts

which we are about
to receive

- through thy bounty.
- Am...

You've given us
so many gifts,

oh Lord,
too numerous to count.

But I'll try.

One, the rolling hills.

Two, the beautiful sky.

Three, trees.

Just trees, in general,
are fantastic.

Boo!
I'll take it from here.

Cram it in, shit it out.

That's what food
is all about. Amen.

[laughter]

That was really not
a proper grace.

Hey, Rev.
Here's a grace for you.

- [farts]
- Oh!

[laughter]

Unbelievable.

Benny, can I have a word?

- [crunches loudly]
- Oh, wow.

Is that the bald eagle
you shot? You bet.

Nothing hits the spot after
a hard day on the trail

like a roasted baldie.
You want some?

- No, no thank you.
- Your loss.

Face is the best part.

[loud crunch]
Look, Benny, I know

you come from
a bandit background,

and therefore have
different values

from the rest of us.
[coughs, spits]

[metallic clang]

A bullet was lodged
in my windpipe.

These people
look up to you,

for reasons I do not
completely understand.

I think if you
were to exhibit

just the smallest fraction
of moral leadership,

they would all follow suit.

Yeah, I'm not gonna
do that.

[scoffs] Why?

Because there is no morality
on the trail.

You think we're gonna
cross that river tomorrow

by minding our Ps and Qs?

The only morality out here

is either kill or be killed.

[drunkenly]
You said it, Benny.

It's either kill
or be killed.

Levi, are you drunk?

Maybe I am,
maybe I ain't.

Who are you, my sponsor?
[glass shatters]

He's a good kid.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

All right, folks.

Looks like the river's
deeper than we expected,

so we're gonna float
the wagons across.

So let's caulk 'em tight.

Oh, that's
a fine-looking caulk

you got there, William.

- [chuckles]
- Ooh, John.

You've got a big,
beautiful caulk, too.

Your wife's a lucky woman.

[both chuckle]

Oh, no.

Looks like the reverend
has a little baby caulk.

[laughter]

Ha, ha, ha.
Such a clever wordsmith,

making a pun involving
the word "caulk."

Somebody's got
tiny caulk energy.

[laughter]

I'm getting so sick
of Benny.

He's turning everyone
into a bunch

of nasty brutes,
just like him.

Oh, relax.
They're just having fun.

I mean, come on! We're about
to ford a frickin' river.

How cool is that?

Yeah, I would say less cool
and more terrifying,

given the high percentage
chance that we die.

You're looking at it
all wrong.

This is classic Oregon Trail.
Get hyped.

No. No, no, no, no, no.
Excuse me?

Mr. Teen?
Does fording the river

involve me getting wet?

- Uh, probably.
- No.

There's gotta be another way
to get across.

Well, there's a ferry boat
a few miles down the road,

but that's just for suckers
willing to pay a fortune.

Perhaps you haven't
heard, then... I'm rich.

I like that it's expensive.
I get off on that.

Are you sure, dear? 'Cause
I was really looking forward

to fording the river
with everyone.

Don't be silly.
You want to go on the ferry

with the rich,
better people.

Guess I'll see you on
the other side. Right.

They have
a nice relationship.

Benny,
we got a problem.

Can't get
the wagons to float.

We moved some things around,
but we're still too heavy.

I knew you would.

Just gotta leave
somebody behind.

Leave somebody behind?

No, we can't do that.
That's a death sentence.

Well, yeah, it'd be a bummer
for the one guy,

but the rest of us get
to float across, no problem.

Yeah, sure, of course
you would think of it

like that,
but the rest of us

will never
go along with that.

I'll take it from here, Rev.

I believe I can speak
for everybody here

when I say, uh...

not it!

ALL: Not it!

- Seriously?
- MAN: Not it!

Rev, you didn't say
"not it."

[scoffs]

Too late.

All right, the best way
to handle this

is to leave
the weakest link behind.

So all we gotta do
is figure out

which one of you brings
the least to the table.

Are you out of your mind?

You can't put a value
on human life.

Sure you can.
I'm a 10, you're a 6,

John's a 6,
George is a 6.

Honestly, I'm seeing
a lot of 6s.

I can't believe you all
are even considering this.

We are talking about leaving
one of our own

to die alone
in the wilderness.

Look, if each one of us
sacrifices

something small and personal,

we can cut the weight
that way.

[laughs] Yeah.

Like anybody's
gonna go for that.

They will, because they are
not heartless monsters,

like you.
Ah, perfect.

John, perhaps you
would consider

sacrificing
your rocking chair.

It's a family heirloom!

My grandaddy died
on that rocking chair.

And three of my kids
were born on it.

What about
those pots and pans?

Surely you can lose
a couple of them

if it means saving a life.

What am I supposed to do,

make beans in a stew pot?

Make stew in a bean pot?
What about the piano?

Surely we can do without
Martha's piano.

What? And no tunes
for the road?

[plays ending flourish]

[cheers and applause]

Here are
your boarding passes,

and please enjoy
a complimentary glass

of sparkling corn water.

- Happy trails.
- This is more like it.

Is this heaven
or is this heaven?

[chuckles] Prudence.

Sorry. I was just thinking
about our friends.

I feel bad for not
fording the river with them.

Are you joking?
This is way better.

Now we're going to Oregon
in style.

[glasses clink]

Wait, hold on,
did you just say Oregon?

We're actually going
to Oregon, too.

I'm Kya, and this is
my partner, Purple. Hi.

You have weird
and crazy names.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Yeah. They were
bequeathed to us by a shaman,

in the
"Ethspanish" territory.

Wow. I'm so jealous.

It was super meaningful,

You know,
living that #WagonLife.

What's WagonLife?

- Oh, it's a lifestyle.
- Lifestyle.

Yeah, we travel around
the country

in a refurbished wagon

going wherever
the good wind takes us.

Yeah, we kind
of believe that

if you're not living
every single second

as an adventure,
it's like,

what are you doing with
your life? What are you doing?

Like, what are you doing?

Maybe it sounds stupid,
but not everyone gets it.

I totally get it.

I... I feel like that all
the time. You do?

It's... [clears throat]
just I thought you were

perfectly happy being
my meek and servile wife.

It's just, you know, I...
I could understand

how someone else
could feel that way.

Smoke a lot of opium.
That's the deal.

That's what we're doing,
drugs.

And we just kinda
wanted to know

if you wanted
to come vibe with us.

See what happens.
Yes, we'd love to.

Oh, beauty.

Yay! #NewFriends.

Why does she
keep saying "hashtag"?

Oh, yeah, Purple
was kicked in the head

by a beautiful horse,

so now she just
says things at random.

Ah, got it.

Yas, queen.
That's bae.

It's cute, right?
That is bae, darling.

All right, folks,
it's time to play

ALL, CHANTING:
Who! Will! Die!

I just want to say
I am sickened

and appalled by all of this.

Have we forsaken
our humanity?

[all booing]

When do you have time
to make that?

All right, let's meet
our contestants.

First up, she's got
the face of an angel,

and the mouth of a sailor,

it's Granny McGill!

Kiss my pruny ass.

[laughter] Next up,
he's the little stinker

with a host of chronic
health problems,

it's Young Levi!

[coughing]

Oh, no. There's blood.

[applause] Last but not
least, she's fun-loving

with a bun in the oven,

it's Pregnant Ruth!

Please let me out of this!

Think of my baby!

[laughter]
This is a tough one, huh?

I think we're gonna have
to have a bonus round.

A fight to the death!

[cheers and applause]
No, no, no, no, no!

This is grotesque.

All right, if we have
to leave somebody behind,

let it be me.

[all gasp]

Uh, Rev, I don't think

you understand
how the rules work.

You're off the hook.

It's one of these losers
has to die.

No, no, I understand
the rules, Benny.

Just because everybody else
has abandoned

their basic moral principles

doesn't mean
I have to as well.

All right, it's settled.
I'm... I'm staying.

Hmm.

- Thank you.
- Oh, of course.

Thanks, Reverend.

No problem, Levi.

What the hell
is going on here?

KYA:
Hit it. Hit it.

Hit it. Hit it.

- [coughs]
- [all chuckle]

- Smooth, right?
- Okay.

- It's good stuff.
- I like that.

You guys are officially
my role models.

You live in this cute wagon

and go on
these fun adventures.

How are you able
to live like this?

We get paid to take pictures
of our travels.

I mean, our fans love
to see the world

through our unique lens.

Let's show them pictures.

Ah, this is us
with Lewis and Clark.

PRU: What? You went on the
Lewis and Clark expedition?

Mm-hmm. We know them.

Tell me everything!

Is Sacagawea just, like,
so beautiful in real life?

We didn't go on the trip.

We just happened
to be staying

at the same hunting lodge.

- Oh.
- Get this. This is crazy.

Clark actually
thinks he's hot shit,

and in reality,

he's not.
He's not.

- TODD: That is crazy.
- He's just, like, a guy.

[gasps] Oh, this is us
at the White House.

- KYA: Oh, my gosh.
- Babe, you are so hot in that.

- And spiritual.
- Uh-huh.

That is a picture
of me being spiritual.

Okay. So what was
the White House like?

We didn't go inside.

It's actually
my personal belief

that politics is fake.

Huh.

True.

Hey, what's going on
over here?

What are you doing
with all this river trash?

I am building myself a raft

made of discarded wagon parts

tied together
with horse flesh.

It's not much, I know,
but I am hoping

the good Lord will have
mercy on my soul.

- Whoa!
- All right, wise guy.

The jig is up.
Tell me what's going on here

or I'm gonna pump you
full of lead!

There's nothing going on,
I swear.

Oh, come on! No one willingly
dies for no reason!

What are you getting
out of it?

Nothing! I just...
It's being selfless.

Self what?

Selfless.
Like, when you do something

for someone else with
no personal gain for yourself?

Just out of the goodness
of your heart?

You know, I did save a guy
from a fire once. Yeah.

But I mean,
that was just to rob him.

I shot him right after.

Oh, no.
That's not it, then.

I don't know how else
to put it, Benny.

I just... I'm doing it because

I think it's
the moral thing to do.

No.
Nah, I'm not buying it.

You're up to something.

I'm really not.
I swear.

Hey, watch out for this one,
folks. He's good.

Very good.

Wait, wait, wait.
I don't understand.

So, you guys are just

taking photos and not actually
doing these things?

What's your point?
What about living your life

like it's an adventure?

I thought that
was your whole thing.

It is, but it's also
just like,

you know,
an inspirational quote

for, like, basic farm girls
to stitch on a pillow.

It's our brand.

Oh, my God.

I shouldn't be here.
I should be fording the river.

Ew. Why would you be
fording the river?

Sweetheart, never ford a
river. Oh, that's so gross.

[scoffs] No, my friends
are out there

having a real adventure,
unlike you guys

who are just #fake.
Hey! Excuse me.

Do not make fun of
my wife's condition.

It took hours to get
that horseshoe out of her head.

Wait, Prudence!
What are you doing?

The ferry's
about to take off.

Prudence!

I...

[groans] I'm so sorry.

Yeah, it's a bummer.

I really thought
we were all gonna swing.

[sighs]

Well, I am still down.
PURPLE: No.

It was you watching,
at best.

- I liked her.
- At best.

Hnaah... KYA: You
should probably head out.

- I'm gonna go.
- KYA: Yeah, head out.

- I'm gonna go.
- KYA: Goodbye.

- Thank you for the drugs.
- Yes.

All right, folks,
it's fording time!

- Yeah!
- Ha ha! Come on, now.

- Yeah!
- Move 'em out.

Come on,
put some muscle into it!

Well, God,

wish me luck.

Benny? We making a mistake
leaving the rev behind?

This don't feel right.

Nah, don't fall for it.

This is some kind
of a trick.

Oh, no!
I'm sinking instantly!

This was a terrible plan!

It's a classic
Dead Man Shuffle.

Keep an eye on your wallets,
folks.

I'm not a swimmer!

I didn't grow up
around water!

Huh. Not familiar
with this trick.

Goodbye, world!

[gurgling]

Oh, I see.
He's just fully dying.

Okay. Interesting.

Help! Help!

We have to do something!

Are you crazy?
And risk our necks?

- Help!
- PRU: Zeke!

I'm coming for ya!
Hold on!

Oh, yes! Yes!

Now she's doing it?

Come on, girl.
You got this.

Oh, my God!

- I got you.
- Oh, wow. You are very strong!

- Swim, Prudence! Come on, girl!
- You can do it!

Hey, hey, don't let them on!

They're too heavy!
We'll sink!

You shut your yap, Benny.
We're done listening to you.

Everybody, start throwing
your stuff overboard!

[grunting]

Here we go.

Craziest damn thing
I've ever seen!

MARTHA:
Keep swimming!

JOHN: Rev, hold on!

GRANNY: You can do it!

All right.

Let's see what this morality
thing is all about.

Hey! That was mine!

Yeah, well,
that was pretty big for me.

We all saw
where I was at earlier.

JOHN: All right, let's get
these wagons on shore!

Pru, you saved my life.

- Are you okay?
- Am I okay?

Did you see me out there?
I was all like,

whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!
"I got you, Zeke,"

and then everyone was like,
"She's a hero! Oh, my God,

I want to marry you, Prudence!
I worship you."

For a near-death experience,

there were a lot
of nice moments.

- [chuckles]
- TODD: Prudence!

Oh, shit.

What the hell was that
back there?

You embarrassed me in front
of our attractive new friends.

I'm sorry, dear,
but I really just needed

to do this for myself.
Okay?

Hey, no.

What has gotten into you?

This is not the woman
I married.

You're wrong, dear.

This is the woman
you married.

Get used to it.

[yells]

[laughter]

[spluttering]
I'm wet!

Oh, my beautiful dry skin
is ruined!

It's ruined!

[laughter continues]

- Let me help you.
- No!

[laughs]

Well, Rev, I gotta say,
you were right.

I think there is room
for morality

out on the trail,
once in a while.

I'm glad
you see it that way.

- Good.
- I'm sorry, I'm very wet.

Hey guys. Do you mind
if we just take a quick pic?

Just a quick little snap
of the whole fam?

KYA:
Everyone gather round.

All right, ready, fit fam?

Let's take it.
Three, two, one.

ALL: Sex!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

- [harmonica plays]
- [laughter]

All right. [sighs]

Hey, ho, ho, ho, ho!

We gotta do grace.

GRANNY: Oh, shucks!

Come on,
quit your griping.

Let's keep it classy,
people.

Rev, if you please.

Bless us, oh, Lord,
and these, thy gifts

which we are about
to receive

from thy bounty.

Forget about that.

Cram it in, shit it out.

That's what food
is all about.

- Amen.
- ALL: Amen!

There you go.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]