All language subtitles for Episode 502

This programme contains some scenes of a
sexual nature and some strong language

The famous Mrs Sweeney. There's
the girl I'm going to marry.

Everything is about sex.

That's Margaret.

Canapes and cock.
Is there anything else?

Well, hopefully a dessert.

I do like it, and I'm extremely good at it.

Captain Ian Campbell.

I liked him.
I liked his castle.

Shipwreck full of jewels.

I inherited it all from a distant, distant cousin.

Ian always get what he bloody wants.

Be my Duchess.
Yes?

Then yes.

Divorce him.
Best thing I ever did.

Perhaps if I didn't love my son

so much I would deprive you
of your gloating triumph. You win.

It's been one of the greatest privileges of my life

to restore Inveraray Castle.

Pay the b-bills.
It's what you're for.

Every morning I wonder which
Ian I'm going to wake up to.

An enduring legacy
for my husband the Duke of Argyll.

What happens to me when you die?
The home that I've built.

My son will be duke,
and he's very fond of his mother.

Don't push her in the lake or anything.

Of course I won't.
Promise.

No peeking.
It's a surprise.

I'm not peeking.
Turn right. You are peeking.

I can feel the eyelashes moving.

All right, a little further.

Oh, you're getting there.

Stop... stop.

Ready?
Look.

A cannon ball?

A Spanish Armada cannon ball.

Four centuries that's been buried under the seabed,

and now it's your paper weight.

We're getting there.

All my treasure will be somewhere safe.

Probably two decks down.

I'm in the right place.

Didn't I tell you do it?

Didn't I promise you you would be
the one to do it?

Father?

Christ, I'd forgotten, sorry.

Ahem.
Yep, got to get you back to school.

Margaret, you remember Mrs MacPherson?

Yes, of course.

I've asked her to do some
secretarial work for you,

she's excellent, nothing gets by her.

Her husband died.

I promised him I'd look after her.

Well, I could certainly use the help.

Marvellous.
Come along first-born.

My apologies.
Bit of a surprise for you.

No, not at all.

Such good news. A great family's
fortune is soon to be restored.

Wonderful for the duke.

Wonderful for us both, Mrs MacPherson.

Will you come and wave me off?

Of course I will.

Then we'll discuss my duties.

And please, call me Yvonne.

Goodbye, Ian.

Good morning.
Morning.

Thank you.

The car is being packed.

We'll need to leave in half an hour.

Thank you, Yvonne.

What is it?

I don't know.

Oh.
It's a crank.

It's Louise's handwriting.

You're not to brood on it.

It belongs in the fire.

Not a word about this.

What on earth do you take me for?

Are you telling me you actually believe this?

It's your handwriting.

I write hundreds of letters.

I've never written this.

You spend an awful lot of time in Paris.

Everyone spends a lot of time in Paris.

I've never stayed at L'Hotel St Mariette.

I've never even heard of it.

I wish I had been unfaithful,

it would've given me some happy
memories of our marriage.

Are the boys my boys?

I swear on the lives
of my sons who I would die

for that you are their father.
You don't deserve them,

but you are their father,
you piece of absolute shit.

You're brooding.

Why would someone send me that letter?

Because people are very strange.

You should see some of
the things that I get sent.

Don't think about it
because that's what these peculiar,

nasty little people want.

Oh...

Of course the boys are yours.

Of course they are.

Don't get along with their mother
but I can't imagine for a second

that she'd do something like that.

She's far too boring.

Don't leave me tonight.

Stay by my side.

Of course.

It's your daughter's birthday.
It'll be fun.

Papa.
Jeanne. Darling girl.

Happy birthday, Jeanne darling.
You look wonderful.

Margaret.
Well? Let's go get a drink.

Oh, good idea.
I'm spitting feathers.

Oh, dear, have you lost Ian, darling?

He's over there with, er, wife number one.

Yes, of course.

Thank you Maureen, darling.
Enjoy the party.

I will.

Jeanne, go back to your friends.

Oh, but mummy, this is much more interesting.

Jeanne!

I paid for this party.

I know.

The least you could do is not humiliate me.

This isn't about humiliating you, Margaret.

This is about doing what Ian wants

because not doing what Ian wants is a scene.

You must have realised that by now.
A scene.

Right here in public.

I don't want that.

Do you know,

I think you can't bear it that I've
succeeded where you've failed?

You think I want him back?

On the first night of our honeymoon,

Ian took me to a brothel because, according to him,

I had a lot to learn.

I was 17.

Ian took everything I had,

and then he moved on to Oui Oui
and took everything she had,

and when the money runs out, because it will,

the campaign to remove you will begin in earnest,

and if you're not very careful,
you, too, will be left with nothing.

You and Oui Oui may be snivelling little girls,

but I'm not,

and I don't need or want your advice.

He just left and you didn't try and stop him?

I did look for you.

Well, not very hard.

He took my car, Yvonne,
my car and my driver.

I have a car.

Well, it's a Volvo, no frills,
covered in dog hair.

Dog hair? For a duchess?
I'll arrange a taxi.

No, I love dogs.
And you are?

Peter Combe.

Shall we?

Yes, we shall.

Thank you, Yvonne.
Goodnight Janet.

I hate this bathroom.

Why would anyone sane want to watch
themselves as they strain

for stool from every possible angle?

There are other bathrooms for you to strain in.

I hate those, too.

In fact, I hate this whole house.

Well, I love it.

You didn't mind passing out in there last night.

Ow, Margaret.
That's a low blow.

You do like to kick
a man when he's down, don't you?

If I liked kicking a man when he was

down I would've stamped you to
pieces on that bath-mat.

You took my car, Ian.

My car and my chauffeur.

Look at you, you're fine.

You're all hung over and vulnerable and delicious.

Just don't treat me like your other wives.

Oh, God. Don't tell me you've been
speaking to Janet.

No.

You should give it up.
Give what up?

This house. This cold, sterile hole of a house.

Don't be ridiculous.

We'd have more money.

You're always complaining about money.

Give it up, you won't have to
complain, will you?

Get that shipwreck off the sea floor,

and we can have as many houses as we want.

You don't think I can do it, do you?

You think I'm going to cock it up.
Can't raise a shipwreck.

Can't fight a war without getting
captured. Can't father his own sons.

Oh, for God's sake Ian, I told you
to ignore that bloody letter,

and who is it who's always telling

you you can achieve whatever you want?
Me.

Yes. You do a lot of telling.
You're like Nanny.

The last thing I am is your nanny.

If I didn't think you could raise that hulk,

I wouldn't have invested so much money in it.

Here we go again. Money.

I'm being a horrible bastard.

Yes, you are.
Why do you put up with me?

No idea.

I'm going to take you out to dinner tonight,

make up for being such an incorrigible,

selfish prick last night.

Have a think about the house, though.

No.
Yes.

No.
Just think about it.

That's new since I last saw you.

Pain?

No.

It's just a twinge.

Numbness?
Pins and needles?

No. Insomnia?
Blurred vision? Headaches?

No, no, er, sometimes.

Anything else?

I want to have a baby.

You were lucky to have two children
all things considered,

and that was before your fall.

But my accident was years ago.

If you manage to carry the child to
term, and that is a big if,

I am not certain you'd survive the labour.

There's been so many advances in medicine.

It could kill you.

No, leave it.

Diana, darling.

You're answering your own door.

Have the ravens left the tower?

Where's Il Duce?

Oh, he's at the House of Lords all
day, something about...

Oh, I don't know and I don't care.

Go away.

Now I'm swearing you to absolute secrecy, Diana.

All right, fine, yes.
What's the urgency?

Well?

I need you to buy me a baby boy.

What?

A newborn baby boy.

I'll pay. I'll pay very well.

You're married to a Pole.
You must have lots of contacts,

and there must be some poor girl
somewhere who wants

to give her baby the best of everything,

you know, a wonderful life.

The baby does need to grow up tall
like Ian, though,

so it's probably best that you know the parents.

Oh, Jesus.

You're serious.

Margaret, either you're having a
nervous breakdown, or I am.

Oh, Diana.

No, it's too awful.

No, it's too shocking.

Ian's sons aren't his.

They're illegitimate.

Both of them.
Heir and spare.

How do you know?

Ian got a letter, anonymous.

They say they've got proof.

Well, that's just standard extortion.

No, they don't want money.

They want to right a great wrong,
set matters straight.

They're some other man's sons,

passed off as sons by bloody
Oui Oui this entire time.

Oui Oui?

She doesn't seem the type.

Oh, she's the type.
She's completely vindictive.

So, Ian needs an heir because he
can't possibly leave anything

to them now, can he?

Have you met the British aristocracy?

It's rammed with bastard Earls
and by-blow Barons.

Everyone turns a blind eye.

I've thought it all through.
I start to pad my waist,

let people whisper about it.

Start the rumours,

and then I go to a clinic in Switzerland,

and then you bring me a beautiful baby boy,

and I give you a lot of money.

I thought you were my friend.
I am, and as your friend

I'm telling you, just don't get involved.

Ian's sons are nothing to do with you.

Well, Inveraray wouldn't exist if it
wasn't for me and Daddy.

It would be a ruin and those boys
would have nothing to inherit,

so yes, it has everything to do
with me.

Margaret, go on holiday before you
get yourself in trouble.

Diana, I swore you to secrecy

so if you tell anyone I'll know that
you can't keep a promise.

A long holiday. Somewhere sunny.

Oh, hello, darling.

You said you'd take me out for dinner.

Do you know, the House sat late?

Yes, it did.

But you weren't there.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was at the club.

No.

You weren't there, either.

Oh. Your legion of spies,
duh, duh, duh, duh.

Drunk. You were drunk last night
and you're drunk now.

Fish-face is being a little nag tonight.

You reek of other women.

Do I? You've been with some other
woman, then you come back to me in

this state? Oh, my God, this
relentless bourgeois whine.

It's so fucking boring!

Your grace.

Oh, dear.

Now look what you've made me do.

I've gone and woken the servants.

Why are you being like this?

I had such a lovely day and then
you've gone and spoilt it.

I'm going to sleep at the club,

and tomorrow morning we go back
to Inveraray first train.

I won't be.

You'll do what I tell you to do,
and when I tell you to do it.

You must be confusing me
with one of your other wives.

Oh, I'm so glad you were free.

Darling, for you, I'm always free.

So, what's the menu tonight?
Drinking or dancing?

Both.
Right answer.

Two martinis please.

I loved your mother so much.

You've got me, Daddy.

You've always got me.

You shouldn't have let Yvonne go
without discussing it with me first.

We can't afford her, Ian.
We have to save money.

Besides, I didn't have enough work for her.

She can't just stand around doing nothing.
Well, why not? You do.

Look, I got her another job,

and I'm giving her lunch to make up for it.

Ooh.
Lunch with you. What a treat.

That's terrifying.

You think I want to do this?

Do you think I want to debase myself
advertising Argyll socks?

You'll have me selling

surgical trusses with the family
crest on it next.

If it pays well, why not?

Or you could give up this house?

Or you could give up your treasure hunt?

We're ready, Your Grace.

Oh.
You done?

Oh, it's just like being there.

So, where do you want me?

I'm out for dinner tonight.

Smile.

Super.

I was very sorry to hear about your mother.

Thank you.

And are you enjoying your new job?

They're a very generous employer.

I'm very glad.
It was difficult to let you go,

I hope you understand that.

Yvonne, can I ask you?

You've known Ian longer than I have,
and he and your husband

were such good friends,

has he always been so impossible?

The drinking.

He can be so changeable, I can
barely keep track of his moods.

Well, the Duke has a lot on his mind at the moment,

although I don't see how you can
tell that he's impossible.

You're never with him.

I...

..beg your pardon?

You keep talking about how much you
love Inveraray.

I do.
It's my home.

But you're always here, going about with men,

men half your age.
If you spent more time with Ian,

supporting him as a proper wife
should then maybe he wouldn't

be so impossible.

Oh, I see.
So, it's my fault.

I don't think you try hard enough.
No, I try.

Do you?

And as for that advertisement, how could you?

Debasing and humiliating a man like that,

your own husband forced to shill
for mass produced socks.

Yvonne, I've invited you here as a friend,

and you choose to speak to me like this.

You invited me to lunch because you
want me to agree with you.

Perhaps because you thought I'd drop some hints,

some gossip about poor Margaret,

and how she suffers with the Duke,

what a saint that woman is.
Well, you're no saint.

I feel sorry for Ian.
He deserves better.

Well...

..Ian always thought you were
terrible at your job.

If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't
have lasted two months.

If you're going to tell lies,
do try and make them plausible.

Do you know, Yvonne, I think you've just remembered

a very important engagement.

Do you know, I think you're right.
I have.

Make sure Ian packs everything he
needs for Scotland.

He needs a wife.

That's it.
We're shutting it down.

The exploration is over, Your Grace.

Come on, please. I beg you, we're nearly there.

Don't stop now.
I'm working out with the admiralty,

you can stay in the boat.
You can... you can get back to it.

We're so close.

It's over, Your Grace.

Dr John Petro for the Duke.
He is expecting me.

I've failed.

Ian?

What is it?
I've failed.

No. No, of course you haven't.
We tried everything.

We both did.
It's just it's not possible.

I wanted it for my boys.

They're my boys.

They're mine.

Of course they are.

Your Grace?
Dr Petro.

Dear me, old boy.

You are a mess.

He's got a raging temperature
and he's not making any sense.

I beg your pardon, Your Grace,
but I need privacy.

I'll be just outside, darling.

I saw that you prescribed
amphetamines for the Duke.

Yes, to boost his system.

I would've thought that an iron tablet,

cod liver oil would've been better treatment.

Not amphetamines.

His behaviour...

..can be very volatile.

Have you given my husband this boost before?

I'm here to treat your husband's pneumonia.

What sort of doctor are you?

The Duke's.

Which one of your lovers are you
seeing this time?

Is it Peter Combe?

God's sake. Peter escorts me.

He's got so many girlfriends,
I'd have to book him in advance.

I've got a meeting with the bank,

and if I thought it would help
Our situation, I'd ride the manager,

and all the clerks like the Cheltenham winners.

No, you like it like this.

You're glad that shipwreck's buried under the mud.

Am I really? Mm.

It means you can still control me, prancing around

calling yourself a Duchess with
my balls in your fucking handbag.

Well, it's not as if they take up much room.

Oh, dear.

Now you've lost your place.

You take too many of those.
They're not doing you any good.

They stop me from shooting myself in the face.

How many men have you got?

Oh, at least 80. Probably more.
How about you?

How many women have you got?

Of course, I could just shoot You in the face.

You could...

..but then you'd be hanged
for murder and I'd win,

and think how much you'd hate that.

You see, this is why we're a match.

Oui Oui and Janet would've burst into tears,

but not you.

You're a little streetfighter.

Lipstick.

Now that you've mentioned her,

have you decided what you're going to do

about Oui Oui and the letter?

Well...

..after taking professional
advice, I've decided to do nothing.

Professional advice?

I went to Scotland Yard, spoke to a Detective.

He said this sort of thing happens all the time.

Plus they found nothing at L'Hotel St Mariette.

They said do nothing.

They'll trip themselves up in the end.

Well, I'm glad that you've spoken to someone,

though you never mentioned it to me.

Well, why, would I?
They're not your children.

Are you going to talk
to your father about money?

Ian, I don't want to ask him for
money while he's still grieving.

I do love you, you know?

In spite of it all.

I do love you.

And don't worry about your balls.
I'll keep them safe.

Don't tell me you didn't know, dear.

No, of course I did.

They just wanted to keep it, er, secret,

you know, private, being so soon after Mummy,

and there's photographers everywhere I go, so.

You didn't want to steal the bride's light.

You are so selfless.

Utterly angelic.

The couple departed immediately for
a honeymoon in Barbados. Adorable.

Your new stepmother's younger than you.

Your daddy is a sly old dog.

You're sure you're OK?

I'll be fine.

I feel silly telephoning you.
I don't know what I was thinking.

No, it's OK.

I was just worried about you, that's all.

Oh, God, here he is.

Oh, I look a fright.

Margaret?

Why don't you just tell him another night, mm?

We could just have a quiet little
dinner, just you and me.

No, darling.

No.

Sorry for ruining your evening.

No...
No you didn't.

No plans, as per.

Er, call me.

No.

Please.

Be nice.

I know how to b-behave.

Salutations and congratulations, George.

Thank you.
Hello, hello, hello.

Jane.
Lovely to see you. Hello.

Enchanted to meet you at last.
Oh, thank you.

My darling daughter.

Come in and sit down.
Thank you.

So, how was the journey up?

Oh! Oh, very long.
Long. Yes.

Oh, it's nice to be here.

Well, let's have a spot of restorative lunch,

and then I'll take Jane for
a tour of the garden.

Gosh, it's, erm...

It's beautiful.

Of course I should've told you

but I was swept off my feet.
I've been so lonely,

you know, since mother.

I would've kept you company.

Ian was drunk at lunch.

We were all having champagne.

He was drunk when we arrived,

and I see the way he drinks in the club.

Everybody drinks, Daddy.

He drinks for oblivion, and you know it.

Daddy?

Please don't ask me to bail Ian out again.

I'll not throw good money after bad.

I see.

You understand about the money?

Of course.

And about Jane?

I just want you to be happy.

I am.
So very happy.

Did you talk to him?

Yes.

And?

No.

There's no more money.

How long am I going to get
the silent treatment for?

Pathetic.

It's especially sickening

to watch you be completely charming
to Jane and then foul to me.

Mm. Well it's easy to be lovely to Jane.

She's delicious and sexy.

Your old man's going to need Spanish
Fly to keep up with her.

She's wasted on him.

What are you for?

What is the point of you?

What are you for?

I'm coming in.

I'm-I'm coming in right now.

Your Grace.

Do you need a doctor?

Dr Petro.

How did you find me?

Well, I'm sure the police would be
very interested in a doctor whose

consulting rooms is this sordid hole,

and whose patients queue up outside.

What can I do for you?

You are going to stop giving my
husband amphetamines.

You'll cease all contact with him.

His health is no longer your concern.

Do we understand one another?

Good.

Your Grace, any comment on the Duke
taking a suite at Claridge's?

I'm sorry, but you're wrong.
My husband's in Scotland.

If he was in London, he'd be with me.

No, he's he in Claridge's.

We've been told your marriage
is over. Any comment?

Come on, you must know something, Duchess?

Duchess?
Duchess, a quick word?

Oh, hello, here we go.
Duchess?

Oh, of course it would be you.
Where is he?

He doesn't want to see you, Your Grace.

What have you told him?

I haven't told him anything.
I haven't told ANYONE anything.

I want to see my husband.

Please, don't make a scene.
He doesn't want to see you.

I wouldn't believe
a word she's saying. She's a liar.

That's why I don't want her working
for me any more. Duchess?

She's a deeply troubled woman.
Duchess?

You try and help people,

and they just throw it back in your face.

Why's he leaving you, Your Grace?

Where is he?

Hello?

Come back, please.

Ian?

Please come.

I can't bear it, please come.

Where are you?

Oh, Ian.

Bonne nuit.
Merci.

I don't know why I went to Claridge's.

I don't know why I say
and I do the things I do. I don't.

You frighten me sometimes, Ian,

and you hurt me.

You wouldn't give me money.

I kept thinking that you were lying,

and you were going behind my back
and you were lying.

I think we can make it work between us,

I really do.

But we have to be kinder,

stop doing terrible things to each other.

What terrible things have you done?

Nothing, just...

..being in London too much.

It's not quite the same as
humiliating me in public, but still.

I'm so sorry.

Yes, you should be.

I'm sorry.

The pills and the drinking have got to stop, Ian.

Yes.

For good. Yes.

We'll be all right.

Piss off.