All language subtitles for Girl Fever

Hello, ladies.

This is all kind of funny,
really.

Actually this whole thing started
because of laughter, you know.

Laughter, when the smile
has an orgasm?

And out of 100% of you women...

I can bring 99% of you
to this climax chuckle.

I can.

But I can't make the one girl I love
smile like she made me smile...

on the worst day of my already
terrible laughable life.

Which is quite a fee considering
I've been having horrible days...

ever since I was a kid.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Don't move! Your tongue
has stuck to my clit ring! God!

Don't move! Don't!
Don't move!

This drawing is... appalling!

You show absolutely no understanding
of this woman or any woman!

In the future the only drawing you'll
be doing is drawing unemployment.

You have to listen to me! We are over,
we are completely and totally over!

You break up with me, you wanna
do it before I give you a ride home.

- Sorry, we are over.
- No! You can't do this to me now!

Please, Gretchen, not now! Today
is already the worst day of my life!

I believe you lost your smile?

You lost your smile.

her name was Hope.

She had this winning smile
that could take Olympic gold.

I've had a lot of bad days
in my life.

Today definitely qualifies
as the worst.

Things could be worse.

At least Gretchen broke up with you
before you got your penis pierced.

You see? Your funny ha- ha
is just sort of accidentally funny.

Accidentally funny?

See, I'm always doing weird
stuff and I don't even know it.

Just happens. And thus,
I'm accidentally funny.

Sam, nobody is normal all the time.

Look at me. Ijust noticed I've had
my shirt on inside out all day.

Yeah, but you know, I'm not
even normal some of the time.

You see? Would you look at this?
Case in point, right?

I have a fake wallet to keep in my
pants pocket in case I get mugged.

I keep my real money
crumpled up inside my sock.

This is odd? You know anyone else
in the entire world that does this?

- One other.
- Who?

Me. That's a really good idea.

Great. Now I'm contagious.

Sam, what made you enroll
in an Art School?

I sort of determined that all artists
are weird, so if I became one...

that I'd have an excuse
for my chronic strangeness.

You can see now why today
is my personal Waterloo.

In less than an hour I've not only
found out I have no talent...

no future, no girl friend...

but now I also have absolutely
no excuses for my eccentricities.

- What can I do to cheer you up?
- Nothing. There's nothing you can do.

Maybe I could start by cleaning
this "snew" off your shirt.

"Snew"? What's "snew"?

I don't now. What's new with you?

What did Snow White say to Pinocchio
when she was sitting on his face?

"Lie to me! Lie to me!"

Hey, let's make like a baby
and head out.

Let's go.

- You know what I think we should do?
- No.

Which window did you say
was your ex-girlfriend's?

I think it was that one.

You bastard! I'm gonna come down
there and cut your balls off!

Then I'm gonna shove them in your
mouth and make you eat them!

If laughter is a smiling orgasm,
let me tell you...

we had a laughter that was multiple,
simultaneous and wet.

- My number is 555...
- Okay.

...6344.
- 6344.

Okay, great.

Don't forget this. Your smile.

And thank you
for giving it back to me.

- That's my ride.
- Okay.

- Call me.
- Yeah, I will.

I had to find Hope.
So I took a job as a delivery guy.

Here's your order.

Hope probably would've called me
a cuisine career.

Here's your...

It's lame, I know...

but at least the job allowed me
to search for Hope one very corner...

in every building, in every run
I made throughout the city.

Oh my God! I'm so sorry!
I'm gonna pull out. I mean, back out.

Women? Please follow me this way.

The Women's Residence and Club
has been in existence since 1923.

We have women from all 50 States
as well as Puerto Rico and Guam...

and 20 other countries.

We have two Olympic size swimming
pools as well as four tennis courts.

Excuse me?

Hi. Do you know where 6D is?

Thanks.

Delivery!

Hope! Hey!

Hello, Sam.

Oh my God! I've been looking for you
everywhere. You have no idea.

I'm so, so sorry I never called you.

Because you wrote your number
down on my palm...

and there was pouring rain
that night and it washed up.

It's okay.

How are you?

You look like someone dropped
an ACME safe on your head.

Fine.

Me too. I'm fine too.

This is awkward.

Times like this I think about dogs.

Dogs?

I like the way they lick your face
and let you pet them all over.

It'd be nice if women could
let you know you're liked...

the way that a dog lets you know.

Nice ice-breaker.

Maybe.

- You ordered this?
- Thanks. They sent the extra sauce.

- I think all I have is a $50.
- Yeah, that's okay.

I think I can break that.

I think I'm making a habit
out of this.

Are you sure you're alright?

- Yeah, never better.
- Cause you don't look never better.

- You're wrong. I'm fine.
- I thought I was wrong once...

but I was mistaken.
And I'm not wrong here.

Come on, what's the matter?

Nothing that a nice meal
couldn't take care of.

Goodbye, Sam.

- Where's Holden?
- He's in the back.

I'll butter up your sweat, baby!

You got such a tight ass!
What's that?

Squeeze it harder, huh?

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, man!

What's going on?

I was rearranging my collection.

It was totally inefficient.

I had "double penetration"
filed under "double dildo".

I don't care about
your Smithsonian smut.

Why was your hand on your ass?

Sometimes I gotta get a little kinky
to... jack up the old winky.

See? Here. If I stare
at this centerfold here...

and concentrate real hard
while grabbing my own butt...

it feels like I'm feeling up
Miss September's ass!

You know, uncle Bart
would be really pissed...

if he came in and caught you
flicking your grunge.

I haven't seen you this cracky since
I gave you that Montezuma swindley.

Come on.

- Spill your guts.
- No, I can't.

Why? Why can't you tell me
what's going on?

Holden, how can I talk to you?

You're one of those guys who have
a tray that makes boob-shaped Jell-O.

You once bought those underwear
to lift and separate your butt.

You've got arthritis
from jerking off too many times.

I did not get arthritis!

It's "carpotonal syndrome".

Holden! This gelatin boobs
are fantastic!

They're sensitive, aren't they?

You're so tense!

What you need is a day with my
two-dimensional lady friend here.

She not only pulls out...

but she puts out.

What do you think, Sam?

Isn't the mass of the ass directly
proportional to the beauty of the cutie?

- What?
- That is the spirit!

Man, when you're down in the dump
you just gotta laugh it off!

You know what?

That's actually a good idea.

How many surrealists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?

A fish.

Look at this article. It explains
how a few good endorphins...

can make you smile.

Conversely, alright, it says that
if you force a smile on your face...

you can trick your body into releasing
the same feel-good endorphins...

which make you happy.

Did you know that if you change
the"i's" in Mississippi to"o's"...

you get Mossossoppo?

Come on, are those
endorphins pumping?

Come on, that's great!

Look at that face!

- Come on, look at that...
- Stop, Sam.

I appreciate the effort...

and your comedy act
is a great success.

It's your audience
that's a total failure.

I gotta get some new material.

Oh my God!

I think I broke it.

I think "busted" is a more
appropriate phrase.

- Does it hurt?
- No, you didn't pop my boob...

you just poked a hole in my aqua bra.
I'm Flat Chasted. I mean I'm Annie.

Hi, I'm Sam.

What's in an aqua bra?

It's a brassiere that supplements
the figure with water implants.

See?

There it is!

God!

Okay. Okay.

It's funny. I gotta remember
to tell my friend Hope about this.

Hope on the top floor?

She doesn't think
anything's funny.

What gave her such a mood dunk?
I mean is she always like this?

No, at first she was pretty happy.

I catch you later.

One day Hope came home
and something happened.

I haven't seen her
out of her room since...

but I work really weird hours at
the hospital, so I don't see anyone.

- It was nice meeting you.
- Yeah, you too.

Do you know Hope in 6D?

My acting coach told me not to talk to
anyone while I'm doing my exercises.

Excuse me, miss, do you know...?

What did he instruct you to do?
Act like a coffee table?

I'm the wind blowing in the desert.

Hello! Delivery.

Door's open.

Wow! What a great place
you got here.

I just delivered
to that girl Hope up in 6D.

Man, her place was a wreck!
Do you know her?

Hi! I'm Sam.
I'm your coffee delivery guy.

I said do you know Hope in 6D?

Hey, I'm speaking to you, Tanya.
Can you hear me say this?

You look like a man-eating
Amazon princess...

doing her war painting in preparation
for a battle in the corporate jungle.

Delivery boy, could you
bring me my expresso?

Oh, I take it that's an order
from Tanya Amazon Princess!

Her Majesty commends me to bow
down before her and fetch her coffee!

Well I refuse! I won't be your slave
no matter what you throw in me.

I'm not turned on by your
executrix power suit, your war armor!

Your mini-skirt loin cloth
displays a powerful weapon!

Your thigh swhich make me
tremble with lust!

And your brassiere is like
a protective brass plate...

you can tear away to unsheathe
your most powerful weapon:

your hypnotic breasts!

Here's your coffee, Tanya.

Oh, and by the way,
I'm not the Amazon princess.

I'm the Amazon queen.

- What are all these balloons for?
- Some kid's birthday party.

- So, how's your probe going?
- Probe?

Oh, the investigation. It's terrible.
Some of these girls can be really mean.

There's this one girl, Tanya,
she treats me like a total pee-on.

Pee-on? I didn't know
you're into watching.

No, not like that.

God, Holden! Do you ever think
about anything other than sex?

I said forget about Hope and move on
to someone who's more probable!

No, it's not gonna happen.
I'm not giving up on her.

Come on, man!
Wake up and smell the pussy!

You are totally in love with her.
You think that if you find her smile...

that she'll end up falling in love
with like some fairy tale!

But more likely she'll end up
screwing you over...

and you'll end up taking it
in the tail!

Okay, alright. I do love her.
But I'm also her friend.

Look man, something terrible
happened to her in that building.

I'm gonna find out what that was and
maybe I can make things right again.

Easy on those balloons, you don't want
to disappoint the birthday... boy.

Damn it! Today is your birthday!

Now that...

is what I call a blow job.

Hey chap, check this out.

Kaboom Monthly?

The definitive guide
for popping a boner.

When you're done can I look at that?

Hello! Delivery!

Delivery here!

Stop trying to find out
what happened to Hope!

Who are you? Come back here!
I need to speak to you, please!

Where did you go?

Please tell me why don't you want me
to find out what's wrong with Hope!

Where are you?

- Not so fast!
- You know...

they say that toe nails
are the teeth of the foot.

If that's true, I'd say you got
a pretty nice set of fangs here.

You think you're funny?
Pretty cheese ball if you ask me.

Yeah, the same thing could be said
about your recordsetting toe-jam.

You're that delivery boy for Bart's on
the other side of the park, aren't you?

- Why, thank you, Captain Obvious.
- That's not my name.

It's Willens. And I manage this place.
And I don't like you snooping around.

If I see you around here again,
I'm gonna make sure I call the...

Hey! You almost hit me with that.

How would you like it
if I loaded one up?

Go ahead. Make my day.

You gotta be joking.

I was just clearing my nasal passages.
You were the one making a thing of it.

Alright. Now don't go doing
anything rash.

Take your fingers off the nostril.

You first.

Same time.

Eat it, Willens.

Go ahead, pull the trigger.

- Pull on this.
- Get lost, ass!

The only thing I'd figured out is why
detective is sometimes called a "dick".

Cause that's exactly what I'd found out.

I wasn't good investigating
the mystery of Hope.

I had to find a new strategy.

Sam! The rent is due.

Hope! Look at this!

Hope! Come to the window!

See this!

Come on, Hope! Look at this!
This is funny!

Hi.

Look, I have to ask you something
and you have to promise not to laugh.

I promise.

Ever since I met you I wanted
to take you to dinner and the movies.

Okay. Just this once.

- Give me a sec, okay?
- Yeah, sure.

So, do you think that Hope is cute?

Yes, she's such a fox.

I think so too.
And get your hands off of her.

Come on in.

Wow, I love what you've
done to the place...

it's got a real sort of post-modern
Miss Havishing look to it.

Yeah, don't mind the mess.

It's okay.

So I hear you used to be a model?

If we're gonna talk about me
you're gonna have to leave.

Sorry.

It's just that the other day
when you found me, you know...

I sort of feel like you...
like you saved me and I...

and I just wanted to say thank you...

I was gonna make some coffee,
do you want any?

Yeah, sure.

So you know, like you said,
the other day when I saw you...

Actually you don't owe me anything,
you know? It's...

I know I don't owe you anything.
I'm just trying to be your friend.

Do you want any cream or sugar?

I'll get some sugar.

You know, I'm just trying
to be your friend.

That's what friends do, right?
They help each other out.

I'm gonna ask you to leave, actually.

- What?
- I shouldn't have done this and...

I just said I was trying
to be your friend.

I'm gonna give you money
for the meal.

- No, the meal's on me.
- Will you please? Yes, Sam.

Please, will you just go?
And take the money?

No, I'm not gonna take money
for the meal, forget it!

- I'm not gonna take the money.
- Just take the money, Sam.

- No, the meal...
- Please.

The meal's on me.

Please will you at least
go Dutch with me?

Okay.

Don't you be so difficult.

Relax, Sam, it's Annie.

I just couldn't hear over the washers,
I forgot I had that thing on.

It's a facial massager, it tightens the
muscles on my face so I look thinner.

Of course it is.

I think this piece goes there
and this piece goes here...

You're still missing some pieces.

Why don't you draw the missing parts?
You went to the Art Institute, right?

I never finished. I was so bad
they made me turn in my beret.

The Royal Academy of Velvet Painters
won't accept me.

I can't even get my work shown
in the Museum of Stick Figure Art.

Who cares? The curators of that
Museum have sticks up their butt.

Velvet painting died with Elvis.
Berets? They 're not even real hats.

You know, I've always thought that.
I mean it's got no brim.

Doesn't cover your ears.

It's not a hat, it's a goddamn cap!
That's what it is.

Why do you have a pen
attached to your hip?

Because I am the fastest draw
on the West.

Really?

I had a bit of a mishap in my prom. I
don't put pens in my pockets anymore.

It's a bit of a long story.

You ever think how far
an artist hand has traveled?

Look at yourself sketching.
Your fingers are in constant motion.

Every time you shade the pen moves
a couple inches a second...

that's gotta add up.

This hand has traveled long distances.
Specially in the shower.

Seriously. Do you know what my
favorite part of being an artist is?

It's the most honest profession
in the world.

How's that?

You can pretty much fake being good
in any other profession.

but, as an artist, either your
drawing is good or it's bad.

Artists just have to lay
everything on the line.

Literally.

Wait a second.
I've seen this somewhere before.

Here's the album
you wanted to borrow.

It took me along time to find it,
I never listen to them anymore.

Welcome. How to see your ex-girlfriend
and live to tell about it.

That is the subject of today's class.

Sam, you didn't have to concoct some
story about wanting to borrow music...

just to have an excuse to see me.

First the guy must act nice to prove
he can handle the breakup entirely.

No, I really wanted
to borrow the album.

But it is great to see you. You finally
got your forehead pierced. Looks good.

Being nice only makes the ex think
he wants to get back together...

so she with undisguised pleasure
reminds him...

that she is the dumper
and he is the dumpee.

I'm flattered you called,
but I broke up with you, remember?

This doesn't mean that I want
to hook up with you again.

This unwarranted rejection hurts
like a kick to the sheens.

Really, Sam!

The second punishment
sneaks upon you like a snake.

Come on! Go!

I'm hot, I'm thirsty.
I'm hot, I'm thirsty!

Hey, what ever happened
to those size 14 guys?

They got on album, then disappeared.

The evil she-dumper tortures
the poor dumpee with flirtations...

he tries to avoid.

- Did your tongue healed up some?
- Yes, it's never better.

Really? It was pretty good before.

The she-dumper is a big prick-tease.

Does the scar tickle
the roof of your mouth some?

Yeah, it does. You should feel it.

When the dumps chump flirts back,
she stops flirting.

Sam, I told you!
We are definitely over!

Giving him a bad case...
of blue balls.

I think I should be a lawyer.
But then again I want to be a vet.

The final torment is the worst.

What are you talking about?
I can't do any of those things, I suck.

No, you're really smart. You can
do anything you set your mind to.

By the way, where am I taking you?

We're going to meet Carl.
Be nice to him, he's my new boyfriend.

It's a ball-buster!

Sam, this is Carl.

- Hi.
- Hi.

This album cover.

how did ripping it up connect
to what was ripping up Hope's heart?

I played this album
until my ears bled.

I hoped the lyrics might provide
some insight to me or to anyone else.

Hey butthead, turn that music!

Please listen!

Thanks for listening.
By the way, what are you today?

A Vietnam war memorial.

Do you like music?

What are you doing back there?

Getting ready to battle
in the corporate jungle?

Is that your war paint?

God. I don't know why I even try.

Do you mind if I call China?

Hey, why do you have your
pager number in speed dial?

Oh my God!

- What are you doing?
- Nothing. I mean...

I was just trying
to make conversation.

How come you won't
give me the time of day?

Just give me my coffee.

No, not until you give me
some answers.

- Give it to me.
- No.

Give me some straight answers
or the expresso gets it.

Look, I got alot on my mind today...

and I don't have time to deal
with somebody like you.

Someone like me? Are you saying
I'm a lowly delivery guy?

I don't get it. You women
have always been treated like crap...

by your boys club bosses and now
that you career girls are on top...

why do you treat people
the same way?

Maybe I wouldn't have to act
like such a bitch on wheels...

if you guys weren't so angry
that I made more money than you.

- Now give it to me!
- Pretty cranky in the morning.

Need your caffeine fix, huh?

You know what makes me angry
with women sometimes?

I am a gentleman, I always
open doors for women.

But when a woman is in front of me
in an entrance...

9 times out of 10 she doesn't
hold the door open for me.

You want men to treat you as equals
but you won't give us equal treatment!

- What do you want?
- Respect!

A "hello, how are you?"
would be great for starters.

Okay, how about a
"goodbye, and to hell with you"?

Stay.

The plumber will pay me!

Stop trying to find out
what happened to Hope!

See, all I have to do is to find the
girl who has this scar on her behind...

And boom! You can crack the case.

What are you doing?

I hope the water isn't too cold!

Rose, petal rose, petal beauty.

Today I'm my vagina.

To really complete that assignment
you should add an orgasm to it.

Harder!

Deeper!

You know that phrase "behind every
great man there's a great woman"?

I'm afraid that I'll never be a great
man cause I can't get my great woman.

I prefer the corollary.

Behind every great woman
there's a great man.

Look, I'm serious here, man.
I mean is it impossible...

to become a great man
without a great woman?

What is this? We don't stock these!

Those are for me!

"Older & Bolder Magazine"?
"Grannies & Fannies Illustrated"?

"Wide Load Review"?

- "Stomp Monthly"?
- Shut up!

I'm tired of you acting like I'm from
the bottom of the Bible belt.

- At least I have faced the awful truth.
- What awful truth?

I am gross.

All men are. And every day
we face the endless nightmare that...

love handle by love handle,
nose hair by nose hair...

we're becoming more grotesque
versions of the cute boys we were.

It is impossible to stop
the hordes of time...

from destroying our muscle tone
and leaving us with these...

defeated saggy male boobies!

But I am at peace. I have come to grips
with the whore that has become me.

So how does "Moist & Midget"
magazine improve your image?

Because men are gross
on the inside too.

That's why these magazines sell.

A woman's pussy mount
is a slippery slope.

Sex is a narcotic and you, my friend,
are addicted just like me.

Only you're at the smoking
marijuana stage...

...I'm at the heroin stage.
- More like the speed balling stage.

Good one. Now, my point is...

an addict needs a bigger and bigger fix
each time just to get the same high!

That's why they move on
to the hard stuff.

Now sex is the same way.

You need something kinkier and kinkier
to get the same thrill in your drill!

Okay, so hence
"America's Harriest" magazine?

No, I don't know if "America's
Harriest" is gonna get me donkey dick.

But, almost doner for aboner, and
these magazines are somebody's fix.

They might give me a pecker high,
they might not.

You are so far off
you're not even wrong!

- It's so much better with a woman.
- Don't fool yourself.

The straight screw
is the methadone of sex.

It'll keep you from the hard stuff
for a while, but sooner or later...

you will roll off your old lady...

just like an addict
falls off the wagon.

Accept it, Sam. You and I are alike.

Your weirdness is one step away
from my grossness.

And look, you enrolled on an Art School
so you could see naked women.

That is no different than me
looking at dirty pictures.

It's completely different.

One is art, the other is pornography!

Yes, but once you start
down the dark path...

forever will it dominatrix
your destiny!

Join me.

I'll never join you!

It's in your blood, Sam.
I am your cousin.

Now Holden and I did have
some of the same DNA...

and this meant that I could have
the same genetic inclination as him...

towards becoming a Grand Master
of perversion. Got me spooked.

Trick or treat!

I should've guessed.

Who are you supposed to be?

I'm Popeye.

And what am I supposed to be?

You, my dear, are a Freudian slip.

- You know what I can't stand?
- Trick or treat!

People who aren't
who they say they are.

Like... take, for instance,
wise old Mahatma Gandhi.

Did you know that in a speech
advocating non-violent protest...

he once said that Mussolini
wasn't a bad man?

You know I had the same feeling when
I saw a comic book about the Pope.

I mean, what does the Pope
need a comic book for?

Yeah, and the idiots that wanna
read a comic book on the Pope!

Yeah, exactly. Like "What do I want?
Batman or the Pope?"

Like the Popemobile is as cool
as the Batmobile. Come on!

- We need to get some more candy.
- Okay. I mean, don't get me wrong...

I'm not a Bible basher.

And for the matter I also hate the
jerks on the other end of the spectrum.

You know the ones?

Got those old beat up cars
and a bumper sticker that says like...

"Don't laugh, your daughter
might be in the trunk. "

His name is Richard Blaine.

I think he's the pecker
that broke Hope's heart.

This party's the perfect place for us to
get the girls give us a scheme on him.

Gotcha. Let's probe.

My friend Richard Blaine used to do
an acting exercise exactly like that.

This isn't an exercise.

This is how I dance.

So, do you know a guy
named Richard Blaine?

Carl!

Has anyone ever told you
you got a rack that should be bronzed?

Beat it.

You know my friend Richard Blaine
loves puzzles like this.

Do you know him?

Did you get it done?

Wait! How do I get out of this thing?

What're you doing?
Finger fucking?

No. It's a Chinese finger puzzle.

See, the harder I pull
the more stuck I become.

It happened to me once.

Except that wasn't in a puzzle,
it was in an Asian chick.

What was her name?

Chew Me Wang.

You know, this thing
has got me thinking.

Hope is a lot like this puzzle.

The harder I try the further
I get away from solving it.

If you wanna find out what happened
to Hope, do exactly as I say...

and keep absolutely quiet.

Now wait here.

If you wanna have the greatest sex
of your life, do exactly as I say.

Kinky.

Do you know it gets me hot?
Doing it in complete silence.

What are you doing?

Sam?

Holden?

I told you to stop trying
to find out what happened to Hope!

But you wouldn't listen!

You know that Chinese finger puzzle?

It doesn't just work on fingers!

Oh God! Holden, low your puppy!
Low your puppy!

It's the wise guy!

This way. Come on, this way!

This way!

Oh my God!

Now cough.

My heart's beating so fast I can't
reduce the blood flow, you know?

You guys have been in the bathroom
a long time. What's the holdup?

- How are you doing, Holden?
- No luck.

I need inspiration, I need...
impotence inspiring imagery.

What is this?

Check out this fat chick.
She's a real Bahamamama!

She is fatty fatty fat fat!

- I think it's working.
- Is it?

- Really?
- Yes. It... is.

Nothing like something saggy
to make you go soggy.

Here. Try it, Sam.

It's you, isn't it?

What do you say I take you out
for a cup of coffee?

I can't. My mascara is all smeared.

And I smeared my eyebrows too!

It's okay.
It's okay, just wipe it off.

I can't, Ijust spilled the remover.
I'm a freak.

Come on, Annie.
Let me take you out.

See? We'll be freaks together.

People back then used
to call me a Gargantuan.

Now I'm what they call
nothing special, nothing scary.

I think you're very cute.

Thanks.

Let me see.

It's very good.

When I was a little kid...

they used to say that I looked like one
of those strange Dr. Seuss creatures.

They called me Sam I Am. You know,
from "Green Eggs and Ham"?

When they teased me, do you know
what I used to do to cheer myself up?

"I like to eat them when they 're hot
I'd also eat them mixed with snot"

"I'd eat them in the morning dew
I'll eat them 'til I have to spew"

"I like to eat green eggs and ham
Yes, I do - Sam I Am!"

Well... good night, Sam I Am.

Good night, Annie.

Tanya, are you okay?

Tanya, are you home?
It's Peggy, open up!

Tanya!

- Oh my God!
- I was calling!

- My phone is off the hook.
- This is your big break.

There's a breaking story
on Spring Street. You gotta run.

- Now?
- They'll put you on camera.

- My god!
- Now!

I'm serious, man.
Her pager is her vibrator.

I was wondering why she set
her pager number on speed dial.

It's a new speed dial aid service!

Come.

God!

Man, we gotta stop laughing.

I'm still recovering from
that Chinese puzzle!

It hurts, doesn't it?

...high School, where Mr. Delgado...
- Do you know her pager number?

I think it was like 555-0068
or something. Why?

- Testing out your theory.
- No, Holden. Don't!

Give me that!
You know what your problem is, Sam?

You're pussy-whipped.
And you're not even getting any pussy.

This Tanya is treating you like scum
and you stand up for her...

because she makes your pecker
stand up. Give me the phone!

- No! Go screw yourself, man!
- Precisely.

That is the only way to stop a woman
from using your dick as a stickshift...

and driving you around town
on a full tank of your hormones!

Take it from me, Sam.

I cannot tell you the number of times
a girl has got me to fix her car...

or paint her house or
take her husband to the airport!

Show them damn farmers market and
sit through the pain-in-the-ass opera.

- Shut up, Jason! Shut up!
- No, Jason's right.

Jason's a meat head, but he's right.

Now listen, Sam. I did all kinds of
these things because a guy's balls...

are the biggest reservoir of hope
this world has ever seen!

You know, trying to get laid by fixing
her fan belt is your fault, Holden, yours!

Sam, you're so full of man gravy!

Listen, you need to be more like me
and take matters into your own hands.

Why do you think
they call it "masturbate"?

Because it allows you to be
the master of your own fate.

And it's not just a physical release.

It's a release of women's
control over you! Jason!

You don't need them,
they can't manipulate you.

I'm doing this for your own good.
Today is your independence day, Sam!

...watching some amazing story...

that... if... anyone...

deserves a...

Miracles can happenl

You're such a...

a dick!

And so are you.

After standing up for Tanya,
I decided I should stand up for myself.

Specially with the evil
she dumper, Gretchen.

You know what, Gretchen?
It just occurred to me.

You're just like this bike.

I'm cool, I'm thirsty.
I'm cool, I'm thirsty.

- You're so directionless.
- I don't know what I want to do.

On one hand I could be a graphic
designer, or I could be a singer...

or I could be a doctor, or I could be
a pet detective, or I could...

And I'm always pumping up your ego
like "you're very creative"...

- I'm creative.
- ... "You're very smart"...

- I'm smart.
- ... "You're very sexy"...

I'm sexy. I am sexy.

You're really on maintenance.

- Come on, let's go.
- But Carl is the other way.

Yeah, but I gotta go now.

But you wouldn't even have this bike
if I hadn't given you mine.

You know what?
It's your bike and you can keep it.

Because it's a real piece of work.

Alright!

I'll give it to Carl.
I don't need you to ride my bike!

What happened to the breaks?
Sam, help!

- Sugar with the coffee, right?
- Yeah, please.

You know what I saw on the
shopping tent the other day?

They're selling action figures
of the Pope.

Really?

What are you doing with my box?

That we can play checkers.

So what do you do when there's
something you really want...

but you know you can never have it?

You become a delivery guy
for your uncle.

But becoming an artist... is that
what you always wanted to do?

So then why did you quit?

'Cause my favorite teacher
told me I couldn't draw.

People are wrong all the time.

Why don't you draw me?

Forget it.

I used to pose for art classes
all the time.

I could never do you justice.

If you draw me,
I'll show you my etchings.

Well, I'm sure your etchings
are a masterpiece.

You really need to see the
cross-etching to appreciate it.

- Let's see.
- No, it's terrible.

Come on. Let me see.
I let you see.

That's not terrible.
Why do you think it's bad?

Look at the spatial relationships.

That's too exaggerated.
Barely looks like you.

I made you funny-looking.
It's like a 5-year-old did this.

I was just watching a special
on Picasso.

You know what he said
about his own drawings?

That he strived
to draw like a child.

Because he said that a child's
drawings are unaffected by rules...

and they are extremely expressive.

They truthfully show
what's inside the child.

Yeah, but I wasn't striving to draw
like a child. Just happened by mistake.

Maybe your mistakes
are really your style.

Maybe we make
mistakes because...

deep down we really
want to make them.

I lost my job thanks to you!

I didn't make those calls, alright?
It was my cousin Holden.

His dad own this place.
It's true, I tried to stop him.

You're lying.

No, really. Holden and I got
into a big fight about it.

- Yeah, right.
- Just because I'm a guy...

doesn't mean I'm out to screw you.
Why do you hate men so much?

Women are just superior to men.

- Like how?
- Like you can't have babies.

- You can't open jars of peanut butter.
- Women mature faster than men.

- Men are faster in the bathroom.
- All serial killers are men.

- Almost all cereal box mascot are men.
- Women can have multiple orgasms.

- We don't have to fake them.
- Women live longer than men.

- It's a way we can get away from you.
- You can't take anything seriously.

- You can't take a joke.
- I don't need a man for a thing.

You just set your beepers on vibrate.

Okay! So put your hands up here, pal!

That is real good, pretty lady.

That's... Okay, here it is.
Here's the deal.

I said put your hands up!

I don't want any funny business! There
are 20,000 comedians out of work.

And I don't need you to act funny
like a bump in a log!

Now, let me tell you
what this is all about.

Everyday I come in here
and I say "Hey pal...

can you spare a cup of coffee?
Cream? A little sugar?"

And everyday, every day and day
you give me a rag time! Guess what?

Today you're on the rag!
You understand what I'm saying?

It's your turn! So I want you
to open that cash register...

take out all of the cash and
while you're at it, let's see...

Give me a pack of smokes,
Ultra Light 100...

a pack of your breath mints,
and... a wet lubricant stuff!

I'm gonna party tonight! I am!

And you know what?
I'm gonna party on your dime!

You don't wanna get me pissed off!

Do it now! Open that cash register,
boy! And give me...!

God!

I thought you said you didn't
need a man for anything.

Please! You couldn't
have done it without me.

Hope!

Come on, Hope! Open up!

- Sam!
- They're evicting you.

Yeah. That's what happens, okay...

when you don't go to work,
get a paycheck and pay your rent!

- Would you please just leave?
- I won't leave 'til I get some answers.

Sam, you're not helping.

Then at least tell me
when this is gonna be over.

I don't know!

- I keep looking for proof.
- Proof of what?

Sam, you've been really sweet.

I think it's best we say goodbye now.

I'm not gonna leave.

I'll stay out here forever
if I have to.

I heard you and Hope before.

I baked you this.
It's chocolate, my favorite.

- No, thanks.
- It'll make you feel better.

Really. Every time I was sad
I had one of these.

- Does it work?
- Worked for me hundreds of times.

You should keep it then.

Hello, my name is Annie,
I'm a chocoholic.

I've been cocoa free for
1 year, 3 months and 6 days.

I have a bite of this
and I'm an addict again!

Okay, I'm sorry. I forgot.
Let me get a taste here.

That's good.

Did you know that chocolate
has the same chemical in it...

that your body produces
when you're in love?

- Is that true?
- I don't know for sure, I've...

never been in love before,
but that's what they say.

- You have nice legs.
- No.

Please just stop looking at them.

Let me see your butt.

No, I don't want you to see my legs,
I'm not gonna let you see my butt!

No, it just occurred to me I never
checked out your butt for the scar.

- I don't have a scar.
- Come on, let me see your butt.

- It's not a big deal.
- Just stop it!

Don't worry, Annie.
No one is to look at your behind.

You can just let big strong guy like me
get in touch with Miss Sweet Cheeks.

That's not fair, Mr. Hand
is to have all the fun!

That's not true, Signor Chin.
Johnny One-Eye is to have all the fun.

Correction, Sir Belly!

Johnny One-Eye is a lot uptight,
he never gets to see the light of day.

You can't keep me in here forever!
I will rise again!

Johnny! I hate it when we're apart.

You are the Shakespeare
of Body Part Theater.

Well...

if this is the theater, then I think
you're missing something.

A woman so beautiful...

needs a diamond necklace
when she goes to a show.

You like that?

Well, if you're my date...

then you are a little
underdressed, I think.

Please, give me a kiss!

No! No, a real kiss!

Please give me a real kiss!

How about giving some tongue?

You know what?

- Hey, Annie.
- Hey, Sam I Am.

Does this building
have a storage place?

Yeah, in the basement. Why?

I thought maybe Hope
have stored something there.

Maybe we can find something out.

What?

Nothing, I just...
kind of figured we're together.

We are together.
I'm so happy right now.

Why are you still trying to find out
what's wrong with Hope?

- Because she's my friend.
- Don't go down there.

Hey, look.

- Nothing's wrong, okay? It's okay.
- Please, Sam.

Why? Are you jealous?

Oh, no.

I'm new at this. I told you it's the
first time I get a real boyfriend.

- Just makes me feel funny.
- It's okay.

- Just do one thing for me.
- What?

Just stop trying to help Hope.

No, I can't. I'm sorry.

She's my friend,
I'm not gonna abandon her.

Right, motherfucker! That's right!

- That's it, Peeping Tom!
- He's in the wall! He's in the wall!

He's in the wall, girls! Help me!

Get him, girls! Get him!

Get him!

- Get him!
- Annie!

Annie, come on.
Open the door, please!

I don't wanna see you anymore.
You made your choice.

- Come on, please, Annie! Open the door!
- Go away.

I should have figured it was you.
Hold him still.

Wait! I can explain!

How is that portable
pocket pussy going?

- That's not what it is.
- Yeah, sure it is. Look at that thing.

Got a little nickname for it?
Cock-Sucky Sue?

I know you just can't wait to get
your tongue in there and lub it up.

Shut up! It's my turn to talk.

This device is for my...

por... problem. I can't even
say the word, but...

let's just say that's how it spells,
like a port.

You know how addicts use so many
drugs they can't get high anymore?

That's what happened to me, man.
I overdosed on hardcore and now...

I can't get a hard-on.

While Holden was telling me
about his important problem...

that's when I heard it.

What was Humphrey Bogart's
character's name...

in the classic film "Casablanca"?

Richard Blaine!

Richard Blaine! That was the name
of Bogart's character in "Casablanca".

- Here, I'll shut off.
You won 500 dollars, Dan!

Congratulations.

Ishouldn't have got that used.

Richard Blaine,
as in "Play it again, Sam".

Might as well been
"You've been played, Sam. "

But I wasn't gonna be played
any longer.

I now had a hunch.
I just needed to test it.

Mr. Willens, please let me by
this one last time.

You take one more step forward,
you're gonna find yourself in chunks.

In my stool.

And no one's gonna care.

I'm just protecting the girls
from the likes of you.

You're the one they need
protection from!

- Who's gonna believe you?
- They will.

When they find that
you're the grossest man alive.

- Suck and grossest! Let my friend go!
- How are you gonna make me do that?

Ho-Chi mama!

Come on, girls!

That's all you got?

Hello, ladies.

So that's my story.

And I can tell by the looks
on your faces...

there's gonna be only one way
of convincing you to let me go.

Will you let me show you?

You see, this is irrefutable proof
that men are gross.

Maybe I should be more precise: men
without women are absolutely gross.

I did all of this, everything,
for a woman.

Men need you.

Men need women to save us
from ourselves.

Alright, let him go.

I brought you down, you circus freak!

So you're the one who paged me?

- How did you find out?
- Sam.

He told me you guys
had a fight over it.

- He was right. Men are gross.
- And I'm the perfect example.

But he forgot to mention one thing:
that men can also be heroic.

I think it's a pretty noble thing
you did, coming to his rescue.

Why did you do it?

I didn't want him to end up like me.

Hi. I just wanted to make sure
that after the other night...

that we're still good, still friends.

Of course.

How did you know?

All the clues, they were red herrings.

What's going on?

Please don't be mad.

I don't even know where to start.

Why not by telling me if you've really
been sad for all these months?

Yes. The whole time.
Will you please sit?

I lost someone really close to me.
Jesse.

He was my best friend in the whole
world ever since I can remember.

Let's do some hairdo.

Six months ago,
everything changed.

Jesse!

- What?
- What are you doing?

I don't know. We started being
friends, Hope. You know...

I wanna be your boyfriend.

Haven't you ever
thought of me that way before?

Not really. I mean you've
always been a true friend.

Someone that I can trust.

Like a brother.

And you've always been this guy that
has never failed to make me smile.

That's so nice! You know,
but... I want more than this.

Okay? If I wanted a friend
I'd go hang out with the guys.

Men don't want female friends.
All men want are girlfriends.

So why don't we kiss and see if
there's any spark between us, okay?

- Jesse, please! Don't!
- I don't get this!

Last week I saw you make out with
some guy you'd known for an hour...

but you won't kiss me?
Hope, I've known you all my life!

Let's just kiss and see how it feels,
alright? Let's just kiss.

- Just give me a...
- Please! Stop!

Get off!

You owe me this, Hope, okay?
Give me a fucking kiss!

- Get off! Stop it!
- Shut up!

- Jesse, don't...!
- Give me a kiss!

Stop it! Get off!

Get off of me!

That's when I came to believe that I
could never trust a man's friendship.

Because a man was only doing it
because he wanted more.

And if I couldn't trust men as a friend
how could I ever trust men as a lover?

Then I met you again.

- Hope!
- Hello, Sam.

I told Annie about everything because
she and I had became really close.

He's out there again.

If Sam could prove that
he was your true friend...

would you let him be your true love?

And would Santa Claus bring him
here for Christmas, Annie?

Couldn't hurt to see how far he'd go.

Ever since I met you I wanted
to take you to dinner and the movies.

He's out there. What do I do?

He just wants to know
why you're so sad.

Let's give him some clues.

- An album cover? That's not a clue.
- But Sam doesn't know that.

We should just stop, okay?

I'm gonna be even more depressed
if Sam turns out to be just like Jesse.

We can't, we're in too deep.

Here he comes! Here he comes!

"I cried my eyes out... "

And then write: "... that Richard Blaine
knows nothing about love. "

Finally something presented itself.

I think Sam likes me.

Just do one thing for me.

Stop trying to help Hope.

I didn't plan for this final test.

No, she's my friend.
I can't abandon her.

But it all seemed worth it.

You still wanted to be my friend
even after you had a girlfriend...

and at the risk of losing
the girlfriend.

That's when I had proof
that you are for real.

You were a true friend.

And now I've fallen
completely in love with you.

And why aren't you smiling now?

- Because you're not smiling.
- What did you expect?

I knew I was weird,
but I didn't know I was stupid.

Sam, you're not stupid.

And what you think is weird
I find charming.

And what you call
accidentally funny...

I call plainly funny.

It's the way to a woman's heart,
Sam. By making her smile.

And you've made me smile.

Yeah, but all of this...
none of this is real.

This is real.

Carl! Come on! It hurts!

God! Hurry up, you idiot!
What's wrong with you?

This painkiller sucks! You suck!

Think off!

Where'd everything go?

Dumpster.

That Willens guy gave me the willies.

That could've been me in a year.

Months maybe.

Yeah. I know the feeling.

Aren't you gonna need
some of this stuff?

Not since Tanya and I hooked up.

Right. I'm happy for you, my friend.

Sam?

Check this out.

Come on! That's funny.

Talk to me.

What?

I'm not blind.

Something's wrong if the cartoon
on my ass isn't making you smile.

No, I'm okay.

You've got a problem.

You love me but you think
you might also love Annie.

No, I don't.

Well, she loves you.

She didn't plan it, but it happened.

And I know you care for her too.

And I love you, Sam.

And I want you so bad...

there's a million smiles
I have for us to share.

And I can make you love me more.

But it's... time for me
to be a friend to you.

What are you talking about?

I'm not letting you go,
but I'm setting you free.

You have to decide for yourself.

Annie, look, I need to talk to you.

What do you want?

You know what is worse than not
being able to find someone's smile?

Making someone lose theirs.

- I wanna help you get yours back.
- I'll find it myself.

When I get to the bottom of this
chocolate-chocolate chip.

Look, Annie, I love you.

That's kind of hard for me to believe
after everything you've done for her.

Look, it's true. Remember all those
drawings I did the other night...

when I was camped
outside of Hope's door?

They weren't of her.
They were of you, they 're all of you.

- That means something, right?
- You're confused.

You've hurt Gargantuan, the girl
who's fat but has a great personality.

Now you feel guilty. You think
you care about me but it's just pity.

Goodbye, Sam.

No, Annie, don't. I'm not leaving
here until you look at this.

Annie, please!

What's in the case?

- Got any dirty pictures in here?
- Give it back!

You know, the cops came by
to talk to me the other day.

Now I gotta take this cab down to the
station and answer more questions.

These drawings are irreplaceable,
will you just please give them back?

These are all of the same girl!
That bitch, Annie!

- Give it back.
- Why should I?

Look, if you do, I won't tell the cops
that you were on those passageways.

I need those drawings to show Annie
how much I care for her.

If I lose the drawings I'm gonna
lose Annie. Now give them back!

You know, I may be the pervert
the cops are looking for...

but I'm not going down for it.

No, I think I'm gonna keep these.

The cops may be curious about these.
All of the same girl?

Looks to me like
you got an obsession.

The cops are gonna perk up when
I tell them you've been stalking her.

See you in court, sport!

Let him go, Willens!

Undercover detective!
You're under arrest.

- What? I didn't do nothing!
- Oh yeah.

I wasn't on my knees
praying all those times...

I was on my knees
planting listening devices!

We know all about you.

Get in.

11th Precinct, please.

I think somebody's lost their smile.

Come on, girls, we can't lose
one single paper! Go, go!

- Here you go, Sam.
- Thank you.

- Here you go, Sam.
- Here.

- This is for you.
- Found this.

- Here's one.
- Good luck!

Annie!

Annie, come to the window!

Please!

Annie!

Come on! Come to the window!

Please, Annie!

Annie, look at it! Come on,
please, will you look at it!

Annie! Are you crazy?

Can't you see how much
Sam cares about you?

Annie, I love you!

This is the only way
I can get you to see how I feel!