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1
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♪
2
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Right. This race is to
prove what's faster,
3
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a wagon or Barry.
4
00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:13,807
It's also to prove we should
never get a day off.
5
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Patrick, do you wanna
play it safe all your life,
6
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or do you wanna be a fucking legend?
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[grunts] Whoa...
8
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You're literally going to die.
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First one to the bottom
of the hill wins!
10
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[wagon creaks]
On your marks...
11
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♪ tense music ♪
12
00:00:29,655 --> 00:00:30,525
Get set...
13
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Go!
BROTH: Yah!
14
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[yelling, laughter]
Oh, oh! Whoa!
15
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:39,497
Ah!
16
00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:41,578
You trying to trade paint with me?!
17
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[tires screeching]
[grunting]
18
00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:45,586
Knock it off, you fucking asshole!
[grunts]
19
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Oh! Ah! [yelling]
20
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,513
♪ dramatic music ♪
21
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[smash]
[screaming]
22
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ALL:
No, Barry! Come back!
23
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Turn! Turn! Turn!
24
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[rumble]
25
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[relieved sighs]
He's okay!
26
00:00:58,642 --> 00:00:59,692
[rumbling]
27
00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:01,515
♪ tense music ♪
28
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:02,560
ALL:
No!
29
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[all exclaiming]
30
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[relieved sighs]
Oh my god!
31
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Oh...
[chirping]
32
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ALL: No!
[creaking]
33
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Oh!
Yes!
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[chirping]
[gasps]
35
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♪ tense music ♪
36
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[chirping]
37
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ALL:
No!
38
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♪ medieval theme playing ♪
39
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♪
40
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[waves lapping]
41
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♪ military music ♪
42
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In all my years of
service to this kingdom,
43
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I've never trained a group
of squires this irresponsible!
44
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You lost a member of your
own squadron on a day off?!
45
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Um, Sgt. Meghan,
we technically know where he is.
46
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He's plummeting endlessly
through space... Forever.
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[seagulls cawing]
Fall back, Broth.
48
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Yep.
49
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Farther.
Got it.
50
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For the record, they lost him.
51
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You know, I voted not to ride
our teammate down a hill.
52
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Patrick, keep snitching,
I'll get to stitching.
53
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You idiots are making me look terrible!
54
00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:20,099
That's why we're here on
Cuddly Monkey Island.
55
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Sarge, eexcuse me.
Question about the island.
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Yes, what is it, Griffin?
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It's just that when we trained
on Naked Lady Island,
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we were attacked by reptile women
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with snakes for hair
and Barry got turned to stone!
60
00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:35,105
So, if Cuddly Monkey Island
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is another ironic name,
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could we at least get a heads up?
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I'm your drill instructor,
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not a fucking travel writer!
Fall back with Broth.
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[disappointed sigh]
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[rustling]
[gasps]
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♪ foreboding music ♪
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♪ foreboding music stops ♪
69
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[nervous groaning]
Anyway,
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I pulled some strings and lined up
a special guest speaker.
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Please look towards the water,
as he has requested,
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and welcome the legendary
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Sir Styles!
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[cheering]
[horse neighs]
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♪
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PATRICK:
Oh my god!
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Sir Styles! I wanted to be him
when I was a kid!
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Ooh! Remember when he saved
all those differently abled orphans
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00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:29,168
from that fire started by that
differently abled orphan?
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Oh! Nothing sadder than
81
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differently abled orphan on
differently abled orphan crime.
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00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:35,550
Well, I was into Sir Styles
before he went mainstream.
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His early indie knight work,
his absurdist phase.
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Not me, man. Just gimme those hits.
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[cheering]
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[muttering]
I can't wait until these assholes
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turn into battlefield statistics.
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[cheering]
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♪ tropical music ♪
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Why are we doing this?
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We're doing it because
I threw a beauty pageant
92
00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:06,579
to find a new queen while
you were in a coma last week,
93
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:09,630
and according to the gossip rags,
that means our...
94
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[feminine voice]
quote, "marriage is on the rocks."
95
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:15,050
[normal] So, going to this couples'
retreat will slap a fresh coat of paint
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onto this rusty old wagon
we call matrimony.
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How romantic.
98
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♪
99
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,676
Where is this counselor, uh,
100
00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:26,101
Tumbleweed Scrub Brush?
101
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:29,309
Willow Sage? She's the best!
Oh?
102
00:04:29,311 --> 00:04:32,561
She made you stop hating each other?
Oh, we never hated each other.
103
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,364
We're working through, uh,
104
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a sexual incompatibility issue!
105
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,740
[groans] Anjelica,
let's save that for group!
106
00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:41,407
Willow says it's nothing
to be ashamed of, Urk!
107
00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:45,196
Let me guess. Like trying to thread
a needle with a cannon? Hm?
108
00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:48,752
Yes, but the cannon stays floppy
like a sock full of pudding.
109
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:51,747
Jesus orcmurdering Christ!
110
00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:54,586
Roman, if father won't let us marry,
111
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I'll drink poison and die!
Same, Julie.
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00:04:56,672 --> 00:04:58,882
If my mother tells us to
wait until we're older,
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I'll drink poison and die at once.
114
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:03,054
And if we can't book the church
in May on a Saturday,
115
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buy me a ticket to Poisontown. One way.
116
00:05:05,764 --> 00:05:09,354
Kids, you can't solve all of
life's problems with poison.
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Roman, this man's beard is
hideous and it upsets me.
118
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Shall we drink poison?
119
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Jesus Christ.
Nice to see you both again!
120
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Oh, yes! Yes! You!
121
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,237
[laughing] Oh, yes!
Oh yeah! [laughs] Oh, you!
122
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:25,621
Wouldn't be a party without...
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you two.
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They have no idea who we are.
[scoffs] Rich people are so fake.
125
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,917
Well, look at you! Glenn! Doreen!
126
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:39,126
Oh! Hello! [nervous laugh]
127
00:05:39,131 --> 00:05:41,931
I tell you what,
it is so nice to see you again.
128
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:45,095
Oh yeah! Um, you bet... you...
129
00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:48,349
Who the fuck is that?
I don't know.
130
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He's not a friend of yours?
Yes, I remember every single person
131
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I've ever seen in my life.
He's not one of them.
132
00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:54,904
These are not our people.
Let's get out of here.
133
00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:56,357
Now.
Giddyup.
134
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:59,856
Hello! I'm Willow Sage!
135
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,490
Don't run off! Have a coconut water.
136
00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:04,407
Share what's in your hearts.
137
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:07,616
I will be doing precisely none of
those things, you absurd woman.
138
00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:11,118
We're getting out of here.
Oh! I'm afraid that's impossible!
139
00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:14,581
The ships won't return
until love reigns supreme!
140
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:16,923
[laughs] Or 5:00 PM.
[sips]
141
00:06:16,919 --> 00:06:19,959
In that case, where are
those teenagers with the poison?
142
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:24,587
A knight must instantly
identify an enemy's weakness.
143
00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:26,093
I'll demonstrate.
144
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Flaky.
Um...
145
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,389
Coward.
Oh...
146
00:06:30,766 --> 00:06:32,266
Arrogant.
Thank you.
147
00:06:32,768 --> 00:06:34,268
Fuckboi.
Aw...
148
00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:37,937
Lazy eye.
Uh, correction. Lazy face.
149
00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:41,822
Tryhard.
Me? I'm a tryhard?
150
00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:43,608
No, wewe just met!
151
00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:46,742
Okay, let me go to the end
of the line and try again,
152
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,030
and get some good adjectives ready!
153
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,663
May I use the restroom?
154
00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:54,712
Your weakness is your bladder!
It sure is!
155
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♪
156
00:06:56,375 --> 00:06:58,995
♪ They think I'm gonna pee,but I'm really gonna ♪
157
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:02,592
♪ Take a nap!And say I got lost! ♪
158
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:03,669
Ah!
159
00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:05,384
Sweet dreams, Gary.
160
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:07,394
♪ relaxing music ♪
161
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♪ tense music ♪
162
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[rustling]
163
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[approaching footsteps]
164
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[creature growls]
Ah! Am I being hazed?!
165
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[screaming]
[splatter]
166
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♪ tropical music ♪
167
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Welcome to the firstever
Sandalwood retreat.
168
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:33,408
I'll be your guide on this journey through
169
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consciously connected coupledom!
[applause]
170
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♪ tense music ♪
171
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:44,796
If you feel the need to applaud,
please use your stirring drum.
172
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:47,258
[tinny drumming]
173
00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:50,295
[scoffs] F this in the A.
174
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:52,144
Who are you, and why are you here?
175
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:55,979
Well, this is Glenn.
And she's Doreen.
176
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,976
Like tangerine? [laughs]
177
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[laughter]
[drumming]
178
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[quietly] Come on, for that?
179
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We're happily married.
180
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:07,153
Uh, we're just here to meet other couples.
181
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:09,704
GLENN:
Whoops! I dropped my keys!
182
00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:11,068
You know what would be handy?
183
00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:13,794
A big bowl we could all put our keys in!
184
00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:16,205
But, what if, at the end of the night,
185
00:08:16,205 --> 00:08:17,825
we took the wrong keys?
186
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,791
I guess we'd have to couple up
187
00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:22,791
with whoever those keys belonged to.
[suggestive] Huh?
188
00:08:25,464 --> 00:08:28,434
Well, moving on. Excuse me,
189
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,295
where's your partner?
Well, I tell you what,
190
00:08:30,302 --> 00:08:32,142
that's kinda why I'm here.
191
00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:34,387
I feel like my girlfriend is
always putting her job
192
00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:36,269
over our relationship.
193
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:39,686
Oh. And how does that make you feel?
194
00:08:40,312 --> 00:08:42,732
Insignificant. Full of despair.
195
00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:44,864
[drum rattling]
196
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,778
[laughing]
197
00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:49,148
Love this thing.
198
00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:52,164
♪
199
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,698
There are three rules I live by.
200
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,123
[excited chatter]
One,
201
00:08:58,121 --> 00:08:59,961
the armor makes the man.
202
00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:01,287
[scribbling]
Two,
203
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:04,001
the real fountain of youth
is daily meditation
204
00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:06,422
and a floppy sun hat. Three,
[scribbling]
205
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:08,471
obey your thirst.
206
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:12,085
What am I, a beginner?
I'm way past this superficial bullshit.
207
00:09:12,094 --> 00:09:13,144
[scribbling]
208
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:14,966
Broth, what are you even writing down?
209
00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:16,932
Patrick, it's time I told you something.
210
00:09:16,932 --> 00:09:18,772
Whenever you think I'm taking notes,
211
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,887
I am elbowdeep drawing homemade porno.
212
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,564
♪ sensual music ♪
213
00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:24,984
Ugh...
STYLES: And now,
214
00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:28,032
we're going to be talking
about the best sword positions...
215
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:30,606
Finally!
...to highlight your face in battle!
216
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:31,662
To what?
217
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,565
Like so! Huh?
[squires oohing and aahing]
218
00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:35,454
And, with your back to the sun,
219
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,410
use your weapon as a bounce card
220
00:09:37,411 --> 00:09:39,661
to find your fill light!
221
00:09:39,663 --> 00:09:42,583
[slicing]
[squires oohing and aahing]
222
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:46,383
Oh shit!
Sgt. Meghan, this is pointless.
223
00:09:46,378 --> 00:09:48,668
[laughs] There I go.
224
00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:51,682
♪ tropical music ♪
225
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:57,097
In this teambuilding exercise,
226
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,517
each couple will use their wooden blocks
227
00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:02,386
to build a house. Begin!
228
00:10:02,394 --> 00:10:03,274
♪
229
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:06,730
A solid home, much like
a solid relationship...
230
00:10:06,732 --> 00:10:08,442
[clatters]
Damn it.
231
00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:12,032
...should be built on
a strong foundation.
232
00:10:12,029 --> 00:10:13,859
Support is the key to
233
00:10:13,864 --> 00:10:15,074
KING MERRIMAN:
Done!
234
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,493
[angrily] Well, it wasn't a race.
235
00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:17,741
Come take the tour!
236
00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,293
Here's my room. Hm?
237
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:22,656
This balcony is where I give
my big important speeches about war
238
00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:25,134
and I do my daily sports
talk show with a partner
239
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,705
whose opinions are always
the exact opposite of mine.
240
00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:29,711
And here's my rooftop grotto
241
00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:32,423
where the mint julep
sommelier can oft be found.
242
00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:35,554
And this is the afterhours
mistress entrance.
243
00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:39,472
I noticed that you haven't mentioned
Tulip's place in this house at all.
244
00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:43,353
It feels like you may be putting
your crown before your marriage.
245
00:10:43,352 --> 00:10:45,732
[laughing, slurps]
246
00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:48,359
Whywhy, I, uh, ththat's not
And Tulip,
247
00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:50,977
[sipping, burps]
looks like you've disengaged completely.
248
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,284
Oh, I was never engaged. [laughs]
249
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:54,818
[flames crackling]
250
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:56,911
That's a feature, not a bug.
251
00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:58,487
♪ runway music ♪
252
00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:01,252
Strut! Good, good, strut!
You're a knight!
253
00:11:01,245 --> 00:11:03,205
Come on, show me confidence!
254
00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:05,575
Buttocks high and tight, Tobey!
255
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:08,212
Feeble buttocks game, Tobey!
Fuck off, Broth!
256
00:11:08,210 --> 00:11:09,920
Uh, excuse me, sir,
257
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,010
Gary's not back from
his bathroom break yet.
258
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:15,505
Oh, look out, gang, we've got
the bathroom police over here!
259
00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:17,219
[laughter]
260
00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:19,009
I'm not the bathroom police!
261
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:21,182
Uh, tangosixoneniner,
262
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:24,271
I'm thinking about Gary's dick
and whether enough pee's come out of it!
263
00:11:24,268 --> 00:11:26,938
Over!
[laughter]
264
00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:28,977
♪ tropical music ♪
265
00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:32,481
In this resolution role play scenario,
266
00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:34,194
Anjelica is married
267
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,454
to a mariachi musician.
268
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:39,946
It's their date night,
but he booked a gig.
269
00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:41,870
[knocking]
Even worse,
270
00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:44,289
the plumber is here to fix the sink.
271
00:11:44,288 --> 00:11:47,828
His fee is $1,200!
272
00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:50,883
Now, what are some helpful strategies
273
00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:54,458
Anjelica can use to turn
this relationship speed bump
274
00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:56,474
into a growth moment?
275
00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:59,546
I feel like you're trying to goad me
into saying something racist.
276
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:02,223
Oh! I know this one!
It's a porn. You fuck the plumber.
277
00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:05,142
Uh, maybe the mariachi's
skipping date night
278
00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:07,692
because she cares more about
279
00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:10,226
the plumbing than his plumbing.
280
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,570
Ehh, we already worked
on your thing, Urk.
281
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:15,066
You can't maintain
an erection with Anjelica
282
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,698
because Anjelica was the name
of the secretary
283
00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:19,866
that your father ran away with.
284
00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,775
I hate you, Dad!
285
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,493
Not for nothing, but if I don't get
to be the plumber next time,
286
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:25,624
I'm drinking poison.
287
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:28,923
♪
288
00:12:29,541 --> 00:12:31,591
Our next lesson, hair!
289
00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,085
[squires oohing and aahing]
290
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,506
You could be the greatest
knight in the world,
291
00:12:35,506 --> 00:12:37,466
but if you don't look the part,
292
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:39,426
no one will take you seriously.
293
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,296
Boy! How do you wash your hair?
294
00:12:41,303 --> 00:12:43,813
I take a running start and sprint
through the shower before I can get wet.
295
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:46,135
Incorrect! Now, the next two hours
296
00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:48,271
will be about styling and product.
297
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:51,398
[papers crinkling]
Ugh! Are you kidding me?
298
00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:52,936
We wear helmets all day!
299
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,820
Hairstyles are useless to a knight!
300
00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:57,606
[laughs] I'm sorry, are you a knight?
301
00:12:57,611 --> 00:13:00,411
I'm not a knight,
but I did find all the gems
302
00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:01,775
that pay your salary.
303
00:13:01,782 --> 00:13:04,622
SQUIRES: Ooh!
And I did
304
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:07,498
save the princess from poison tampons,
305
00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:09,826
and I also saved the king and queen
306
00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:12,631
from being kidnapped
and turned into caterwaiters!
307
00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:15,746
Wow! It sounds like
you've had a lot of achievements.
308
00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:19,474
And yet, somehow,
I don't even know your name!
309
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,386
Do you want to know why?
310
00:13:21,385 --> 00:13:24,885
Because of your fucking hair!
311
00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:26,928
SQUIRES:
[gasping] Oh!
312
00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:30,022
You're garbage!
Ha, ha, ha! That's savage.
313
00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:33,109
[muttering]
God damn fucking loser.
314
00:13:33,564 --> 00:13:36,324
How is he a knight?
I should be a fucking knight.
315
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:39,276
He should work for me. Fucking hair.
316
00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:41,698
Shave my head! Hm?
Then they'll be sorry.
317
00:13:41,697 --> 00:13:43,777
[splat]
Ah! What the...
318
00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:47,202
♪ ominous music ♪
319
00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:49,662
Ah! Gary!
320
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,880
Thank you all for participating.
321
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:56,165
And remember, there's only one
secret to a happy relationship,
322
00:13:56,170 --> 00:13:58,510
and that secret is
323
00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:01,005
[gasping]
324
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:03,718
Minchacha!
ALL: Oh!
325
00:14:03,719 --> 00:14:05,719
[growling]
326
00:14:05,721 --> 00:14:07,721
♪
327
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:11,144
Is this part of it?
328
00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:13,811
[drip]
329
00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:16,522
[rattling]
330
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,233
♪
331
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:23,445
♪
332
00:14:23,447 --> 00:14:26,447
[all screaming]
333
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,950
[panting]
334
00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:32,163
There are no boats!
They come back at 5:00
335
00:14:32,164 --> 00:14:34,464
or when love reigns supreme!
336
00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:36,668
My money's on 5:00.
[creature roaring]
337
00:14:37,336 --> 00:14:38,836
Minchacha...
338
00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:39,757
[screaming]
339
00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:42,085
If we distract it,
we can run to the cabins.
340
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,470
We need a volunteer. I vote Mark.
341
00:14:45,219 --> 00:14:48,309
What?
Buddy, come on. There is no girlfriend.
342
00:14:48,305 --> 00:14:50,555
WhaGlenn, Doreen.
343
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,887
[laughs] Tell them who I am.
344
00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:57,564
Yep. Classic Mark.
[nervous laugh] That's our boy. Oh.
345
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:01,068
Okay, well that's the worst
acting I've ever seen.
346
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:04,198
You adorable lovebirds are
always promising to kill yourselves.
347
00:15:04,196 --> 00:15:06,236
Now's your time to shine!
348
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,950
Ooh, I, uh, II don't know
349
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:10,830
Kill yourself! Kill yourself!
350
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:13,827
ALL:
Kill yourself! Kill yourself!
351
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:15,670
Kill yourself!
352
00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:18,416
Should we both...
Oh, I would,
353
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,298
but father says he needs help
with the yard this weekend.
354
00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:24,092
Right. Just me then.
355
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:26,641
Well, I'm off. Farewell.
356
00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:29,295
[creature roaring]
I'm going. I'm doing it.
357
00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:32,314
This is the last time
to see me before I die.
358
00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:33,767
I'm so wet, baby!
359
00:15:34,268 --> 00:15:35,638
[whimpers]
360
00:15:36,562 --> 00:15:38,522
Minchacha.
361
00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:40,442
[roaring]
[screaming]
362
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,530
[growling]
[struggling]
363
00:15:43,527 --> 00:15:45,697
[yelling]
364
00:15:45,696 --> 00:15:46,856
[cheering]
365
00:15:46,864 --> 00:15:49,954
♪
366
00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:52,040
I think we should break up.
What?!
367
00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:55,615
Yeah. Um, you said you'd die for me,
and then you...
368
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:58,542
didn't. The spark is gone.
369
00:15:58,542 --> 00:16:01,632
[quiet growling, rustling]
370
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,718
♪ tense music ♪
371
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:08,090
[roaring]
372
00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:11,473
Sweet Jesus. It has friends!
[all screaming]
373
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:14,311
Were we in love or just
enabling each other?
374
00:16:14,308 --> 00:16:15,728
Because
[both scream]
375
00:16:15,726 --> 00:16:19,306
[monkeys snarling, hooting]
376
00:16:19,313 --> 00:16:21,113
[excited noises]
377
00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:23,566
What are they doing? Oh!
Oh, they're notOh!
378
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:26,527
Are they...
Circle jerking onto the dead bodies?
379
00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:28,158
' Cause I tell you what, it looks like it.
380
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:30,365
Oh! They're aroused by death!
381
00:16:30,365 --> 00:16:32,695
It's a thing.
Who cares if it's a thing?!
382
00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:34,951
Run!
[all screaming]
383
00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:36,583
[grunts, laughs]
[clang]
384
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:39,210
Oh man, this is gonna be the best
385
00:16:39,208 --> 00:16:41,288
"I told you so" of all time
386
00:16:41,293 --> 00:16:43,173
when I show them Gary's severed head.
387
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:46,380
"Ooh, we were wrong, Patrick.
Sorry we tried to teach you
388
00:16:46,381 --> 00:16:48,551
stupid bullshit, Patrick."
389
00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:49,470
[grunts]
390
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,010
[creature growls]
391
00:16:51,637 --> 00:16:54,057
Ah. What am I doing?
392
00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:56,556
Gary is dead,
and I need to warn the others.
393
00:16:58,268 --> 00:17:00,478
On the other hand, I'm 15 rocks deep.
394
00:17:00,479 --> 00:17:02,399
In for a penny
[thud]
395
00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:04,982
[rustling]
396
00:17:05,943 --> 00:17:07,403
[growl] Minchacha!
397
00:17:07,402 --> 00:17:09,242
Ah!
[roaring]
398
00:17:09,238 --> 00:17:12,488
[panting]
399
00:17:12,491 --> 00:17:13,121
[splat]
400
00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:14,786
♪
401
00:17:14,785 --> 00:17:16,245
Ah!
402
00:17:16,245 --> 00:17:18,745
[growling]
403
00:17:20,332 --> 00:17:22,132
We're gonna die out here, Tulip.
404
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,795
Our relationship finally killed us.
405
00:17:24,795 --> 00:17:26,835
Promise me something, baby.
406
00:17:26,839 --> 00:17:29,379
If we make it out of this alive,
407
00:17:29,383 --> 00:17:30,723
let's get divorced.
408
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:33,007
[growl] Minchacha.
409
00:17:33,679 --> 00:17:36,929
If this is the end, I'm sorry
that the last thing I said to you
410
00:17:36,932 --> 00:17:40,272
was that we should get divorced.
As long as we're going to die,
411
00:17:40,269 --> 00:17:42,269
let's be a good couple for once.
412
00:17:42,271 --> 00:17:43,941
[grunting]
413
00:17:43,939 --> 00:17:46,609
I'm done putting my crown first.
414
00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:48,068
[snarling]
415
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,318
Agreed.
416
00:17:49,319 --> 00:17:51,109
[clang]
[grunts]
417
00:17:51,113 --> 00:17:53,493
[groans]
418
00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:55,830
[laughs] We put our marriage first,
419
00:17:55,826 --> 00:17:57,286
and it saved our lives!
420
00:17:57,286 --> 00:18:00,496
Shall we finish the job? [laughs]
421
00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:03,497
♪ operatic music ♪
422
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,790
♪ operatic singing ♪
423
00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:08,804
[crunching, splattering]
424
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:13,215
♪ operatic singing ♪
425
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:16,927
[crunching, splattering]
426
00:18:17,389 --> 00:18:20,389
♪ singing continues ♪
427
00:18:21,518 --> 00:18:23,688
[squishing]
428
00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:33,025
[panting] Oh god...
[snarling]
429
00:18:33,906 --> 00:18:36,736
[creature grunts]
[Patrick screaming]
430
00:18:36,742 --> 00:18:39,582
Minchacha!
[Patrick screaming]
431
00:18:39,578 --> 00:18:41,248
DOREEN:
[gasp] Patrick's here!
432
00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:43,576
Everyone, our son is a squire!
433
00:18:43,582 --> 00:18:45,172
He's here to save us!
GLENN: What?
434
00:18:45,709 --> 00:18:48,709
[screaming]
435
00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:50,712
♪
436
00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:54,221
What a little bitch baby.
The optics are not great.
437
00:18:54,218 --> 00:18:55,548
[Patrick screaming]
438
00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:58,062
♪
439
00:18:58,055 --> 00:19:01,055
It's date night, so I rescheduled
the plumber for next week.
440
00:19:01,058 --> 00:19:02,888
Thank you for being proactive.
441
00:19:02,893 --> 00:19:04,983
I see and appreciate it.
442
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,518
How was mariachi practice?
443
00:19:06,522 --> 00:19:09,482
Muy bueno. Gracias, mi amor.
444
00:19:09,483 --> 00:19:11,243
[Patrick screaming]
445
00:19:11,235 --> 00:19:12,815
What the hell was that?
446
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,699
[banging]
[grunts]
447
00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:18,326
Oh! Oh, thank you!
It's a killing field out there.
448
00:19:18,784 --> 00:19:20,834
Mom? Dad? Mark?
449
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,787
Fucking finally!
450
00:19:22,788 --> 00:19:25,498
Those monkeys are cutting us down
like ripe summer wheat!
451
00:19:25,499 --> 00:19:27,539
Gather the troops and counterattack!
452
00:19:27,543 --> 00:19:29,753
There are no troops. There's just me.
453
00:19:29,753 --> 00:19:33,673
[mocking] The other squires are too
busy braiding each other's hair.
454
00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:36,764
You mean those squires?
455
00:19:37,553 --> 00:19:39,103
Squires ready?
456
00:19:39,096 --> 00:19:41,386
[squires grunting in unison]
457
00:19:41,390 --> 00:19:43,730
♪ runway music ♪
458
00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:45,595
[hooting]
[grunting]
459
00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:47,562
Ha... ha!
[slice]
460
00:19:47,563 --> 00:19:50,443
[grunting, slicing in unison]
461
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,820
Oh... He was going somewhere
462
00:19:52,818 --> 00:19:54,738
with all that surfacelevel shit.
463
00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:57,316
Man, they look awesome! [sighs]
464
00:19:57,322 --> 00:19:59,452
I let my ego get in the way
465
00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,289
like a little knowitall prick.
466
00:20:01,285 --> 00:20:03,365
Now I'm in here, and they're out there.
467
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:05,040
[monkeys chattering]
[screaming]
468
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,668
Oh, hell no!
469
00:20:06,665 --> 00:20:08,705
[hooting]
Time to get on board
470
00:20:08,709 --> 00:20:10,339
with the Styles method.
471
00:20:10,335 --> 00:20:12,455
[growling]
Frame the face!
472
00:20:13,714 --> 00:20:14,764
Minchacha!
473
00:20:14,756 --> 00:20:17,176
Find your fill light!
[snarl]
474
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:21,221
[clang]
Hair is the window to the soul.
475
00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:22,931
♪ runway music ♪
476
00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:26,561
Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!
477
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:27,900
[hooting]
478
00:20:27,895 --> 00:20:29,855
KING MERRIMAN:
Ha ha, the boys in blue are here!
479
00:20:29,855 --> 00:20:32,315
Look! That one's about to get eaten!
480
00:20:32,316 --> 00:20:34,986
Hm... Babe, let me ask you something.
481
00:20:34,985 --> 00:20:36,485
Do you wanna play it safe,
482
00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:38,856
or do you wanna be a fucking legend?
483
00:20:39,573 --> 00:20:40,783
Mm...
484
00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:43,412
Fuck! Do these things
have any weaknesses?
485
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:45,160
Give me some info!
Uh,
486
00:20:45,162 --> 00:20:47,412
ththey're violent! And horny?
487
00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:50,504
In that order!
What do you mean "in that order"?
488
00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:52,631
Well, no one's gonna say it.
Let me be the first.
489
00:20:52,628 --> 00:20:55,168
The monkeys jack off on corpses.
490
00:20:55,172 --> 00:20:56,382
KING MERRIMAN:
Outta the way!
491
00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:59,221
Here comes the minchacha express!
492
00:20:59,218 --> 00:21:01,388
BOTH:
Whoa!
493
00:21:01,386 --> 00:21:03,926
[hooting]
494
00:21:03,931 --> 00:21:05,771
Wait! Look at me!
495
00:21:05,766 --> 00:21:06,886
[hooting, growling]
496
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:09,814
[stilted]
Oh! I'm not feeling so good!
497
00:21:09,811 --> 00:21:10,811
[snarling]
498
00:21:10,812 --> 00:21:14,072
Oh! My heart!
This is the big one! [grunts]
499
00:21:14,733 --> 00:21:15,983
[growling]
500
00:21:17,027 --> 00:21:19,197
[laughing, grunting]
501
00:21:19,196 --> 00:21:21,066
Keep your mouth closed, boy!
502
00:21:21,073 --> 00:21:22,493
QUEEN TULIP:
Oh...
503
00:21:22,491 --> 00:21:25,831
Minchacha! Minchacha! [screeching]
Minchacha!
504
00:21:25,827 --> 00:21:27,957
BOTH: Whoa!
[banging, shrieking]
505
00:21:27,955 --> 00:21:29,825
Ah, yes!
506
00:21:29,831 --> 00:21:31,921
[passionate kissing]
507
00:21:31,917 --> 00:21:33,127
BOTH:
Legends.
508
00:21:33,752 --> 00:21:37,052
Just stay there, son.
I'll see if I can find you a hose.
509
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:39,630
♪
510
00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:41,763
Am I late for couples' counseling?
511
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:45,060
Coral, you do this every time.
512
00:21:45,055 --> 00:21:47,635
BOTH
Oh! That's Mark!
513
00:21:47,641 --> 00:21:49,811
Uh, yeah. I've been dating
your daughter for 18 months.
514
00:21:49,810 --> 00:21:53,190
I played board games at your house.
You missed everything!
515
00:21:53,188 --> 00:21:55,978
Stop trying to pen me up
in your 9to5 world!
516
00:21:55,983 --> 00:21:58,363
I had a whole shark thing
with a treasure chest.
517
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,110
You can't put a clock on that!
518
00:22:00,737 --> 00:22:03,157
Those kids have so much to learn.
519
00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:05,366
[passionate kissing]
520
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:06,617
♪
521
00:22:06,618 --> 00:22:08,448
You remembered the lessons.
522
00:22:08,453 --> 00:22:10,793
And really took one for the team.
523
00:22:10,789 --> 00:22:13,379
Actually, you took several for the team!
524
00:22:13,375 --> 00:22:14,995
Way to carry the load!
525
00:22:15,002 --> 00:22:17,052
Monkeys came on your face. [laughs]
526
00:22:17,045 --> 00:22:19,085
[groans]
527
00:22:19,089 --> 00:22:20,589
You did good, Patrick.
528
00:22:20,591 --> 00:22:22,011
You remembered my name.
529
00:22:22,009 --> 00:22:24,969
It's the hair! I don't know
what kind of essential proteins
530
00:22:24,970 --> 00:22:27,600
those monkeys were
packing in their balls, but...
531
00:22:27,598 --> 00:22:30,388
you're sporting one luscious mane, my boy.
532
00:22:30,809 --> 00:22:32,689
Oh, you know what?
533
00:22:32,686 --> 00:22:34,606
There's a printing error on this map.
534
00:22:34,605 --> 00:22:37,265
Cuddly Monkey Island
is way the hell over there!
535
00:22:37,274 --> 00:22:39,744
This island's got a skull
and crossbones on it.
536
00:22:39,735 --> 00:22:41,195
[squires groaning]
537
00:22:41,195 --> 00:22:44,065
It looks like there's jizz
shooting out of the crossbones.
538
00:22:44,072 --> 00:22:46,742
This is a really graphic drawing.
539
00:22:46,742 --> 00:22:49,872
What commercial mapmaker
would include this on their product?
540
00:22:49,870 --> 00:22:52,660
You should write an angry letter.
Oh, I will!
541
00:22:55,334 --> 00:22:58,344
♪
542
00:23:01,882 --> 00:23:04,892
[wind blowing]
543
00:23:17,731 --> 00:23:20,731
♪
544
00:23:21,652 --> 00:23:24,662
[chirping, squawking]
545
00:23:31,537 --> 00:23:33,157
[creature snarling]
546
00:23:33,163 --> 00:23:34,413
[low growl]
547
00:23:35,749 --> 00:23:38,749
♪
548
00:24:08,782 --> 00:24:11,792
[8bit video game sounds]
549
00:24:11,785 --> 00:24:13,615
CHILD:
That was amazing.
550
00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:15,250
[crinkling, monkey ook, slap]
551
00:24:15,300 --> 00:24:19,850
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