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(Snoring)

Congressmen, we're now
flying over the heart of Berlin.

Berlin.

Over 75,000 tons of explosives
were dropped here.

British Lancasters by night,
American Fortresses by day.

I heard Russian artillery
had a little part in it too, if you don't mind.

Sure they did and I wish
they'd pay us for all those cannons.

Hey, quit juggling. Film like this
is good stuff around election time.

The incumbent overseas.

Pennecot, don't you want to see it?
Look at it.

Like pack rats been gnawing at a hunk
of old mouldy Roquefort cheese.

(Gags)

Miss Frost? Congresswoman Frost?

- Present.
- We're flying over Berlin.

15 minutes ahead of schedule.

Well, don't you want to see it?

One thing at a time.

You got quite a sight coming.
Looks like chicken innards at frying time.

Considering the taxpayers' money
poured on it,

I don't expect it to look like a lace Valentine.

Golly.

(Man) Well, that's rough doing.
That sure is rough doing.

(2nd man) They ought to put in grass
and move in a herd of longhorn.

Build up their industries.
Get those smokestacks belching again.

- Not without organised labour.
- We got to feed the people.

You can't keep a country
eating scraps out of garbage pails.

I'm all for sending food,
only let 'em know where it's from.

I object to dollar diplomacy.

- But you don't mind sending food.
- There's a difference.

If you give a hungry man bread,
that's democracy.

If you leave the wrapper on, it's imperialism.

Gentlemen, these are
very grave problems indeed

but they don't happen to be
the problems of this committee.

Perhaps I should remind you
why we were sent to Berlin,

since our chairman,
Mr Pennecot of New Hampshire,

has been indisposed ever since
we took off from Washington.

We're here to investigate the morale
of American occupation troops,

nothing else.

12,000 of our boys are policing
that pest hole down below

and according to reports, they are being
infected by a kind of moral malaria.

It is our duty to their wives, their mothers,
their sisters, to find the facts.

And if these reports are true,

to fumigate that place with
all the insecticides at our disposal.

If you'll pardon me,
we're approaching Tempelhof Airfield.

(Man) Oh, God, if they haven't got
a reception out for us.

(2nd man) A band and everything.

(3rd man) They'll be glad to see home folks.

Men, once more it is our honour and
privilege to welcome a visiting committee.

Lately they seem to be coming
as regularly as the electric bill.

This time it's not just VIPs.

This time we're getting VIPIs.

Very Important Persons Indeed.

Some Congressional committee
to investigate our morale.

Seems back home, they've got an idea
this here is one great big picnic,

that all we do is swing in hammocks
with blonde Fr�uleins,

swap cigarettes for castles on the Rhine

and soak our feet in sparkling Mosel.

Well, let's not kid ourselves.

Some of you do go
overboard once in a while.

Maybe some of you are working too hard
to enlighten the civilian population

and maybe some of you
PX millionaires have found out

you can parlay a pack of cigarettes
into something more than 20 smokes.

After all, this isn't a Boy Scout camp.

We've got a tough job on our hands

and, by and large,
I think we're handling it darn well.

For my dough, we're on the ball.

Most of us, anyway... most of the time.

What they've got to realise is you can't pin
sergeant's stripes on an archangel.

Now, this committee
is going to be here for five days.

Let's give them as good
an impression as possible.

Not pussyfooting
around with a phoney attitude.

That's not fair to them or us.

I'm counting on you men to behave, period.

Morale. Maybe some day we can send
a little committee of our own

to investigate morale in Washington, DC.

Hey, look what I picked up
at the Brandenburg Gate.

- How much?
- A dozen candy bars.

They've still got some nine and a halfs.

- I got no one to give them to.
- How about Trudy?

I lost her. Russian sergeant came along
with a pound of rancid butter.

- Those German dames are all alike.
- Speak for yourself.

I wouldn't be afraid
of a Russian general with a ton of caviar.

Nice toe.

The best.

We're here, Congressman.
Ready to unload?

([Music:] Upbeat march)

(Drill sergeant) Present... arms!

- Hello, Colonel.
- Nice to see you, General.

Mr Giffin from Texas, General Finney,
General McAndrew, Colonel Plummer.

- My pleasure.
- Mr Salvatore, from New York.

- The Bronx.
- Nobody's going to think you're Wall Street.

Mr Yandell, Congressman from Virginia.
Mr Kraus, Congressman from Illinois.

Hold it, everybody.
Want to get some of this brass.

Snappy little outfit you have.

Thank you. I have to apologise for the band.

- You should indeed.
- We're half strength today.

- We generally have 40 pieces.
- That's terrible.

We sent the others to the British sector
for a parade. It's Empire Day.

What's terrible is I came hoping to find
an army taking its task with seriousness.

Instead I find you have a 40-piece band.

Perhaps you also have
some drum majorettes.

- May I introduce...
- I know.

General Finney, General McAndrew
and Colonel Plummer.

It's in my data. I am Miss Frost,
Congresswoman from Iowa, 9th district.

Delightful of Congress to send us
a lady representative for a change.

Delightful.

May I suggest here and now that
we dispense with all the soft soap.

As committee chairman,
permit me to bring you greetings

from the people
of the United States of America.

This genial reception augurs well
for the success of our mission.

I sincerely hope so. And now let us proceed
to a luncheon we have prepared for you.

A very simple luncheon. Powdered egg
omelette, probably, and a little Spam.

- Can I carry that for you?
- No, thank you.

I undertook to deliver it in person
to a Captain John Pringle,

stationed somewhere in Berlin, G2 Section.

- Could you tell me how to go about it?
- I could try.

Through army channels?
All I have is five days.

Captain Pringle!

Captain Pringle!

Captain Pringle reporting, sir.

Congresswoman Frost,
this is Captain Pringle.

Thank you. This is for you,
Captain Pringle. Happy birthday.

Or happy birthday yesterday.
I thought I could deliver it on time

but we were held up
in Newfoundland for 16 hours - fog.

- You brought this from America?
- Murdoch, Iowa.

Well, how is good old Iowa?

62�% Republican, thank you.

I was entrusted with this by a constituent,
or rather, his daughter.

I hope it's still in one piece. Open it.

Be glad.

Well, what do you know? Little Dusty.

It's a beauty.

I didn't know it was so personal.

Her name is really Pauline Rose
but we call her Dusty. Some joke.

- How long since you've seen her?
- Dusty? Four years.

Don't these boys ever get home?
Can't they be given a short leave?

- Certainly, if it's accrued.
- I don't want any leave.

- You don't?
- Oh, of course I do. Dying to.

We're all homesick
but personal feelings don't matter.

There's unfinished business here.

Now that we've won the war,
we mustn't lose the peace.

I hate to think of anybody
sitting in his lonely barracks

with a birthday cake on his knees.

I won't have the cake on my knees.
I won't be alone.

There'll be my buddies. I'll call them in.

We'll open up a case of root beer,
light the candles,

then Frankovitch and his ukulele.

Some old songs.
Why, it'll be like back home... almost.

Good to hear you talk like that.

General Finney wants you to go in his car.

I'll be right with you.

If you're a sample of the spirit
prevailing in Berlin, I feel better already.

- I'm a sample, all right.
- Goodbye.

You're losing something, Captain Pringle.

My handkerchief.

You blow your nose in nylon nowadays?

What do you know? There must have
been a mistake at the laundry.

We got a crazy old laundress.
You know what happened to Frankovitch?

He sent out his shorts and got back a girdle.
(Laughs)

(Groans)

Ask her how much.

(Speaking German)

800 cigarettes, or coffee.

(Speaking German)

No. This watch gold. Gold for teeth.

- A watch from steel.
- How's this?

No, this silver. Want steel.

You want steel.

No, want round watch, very big, nice face.

You're tough. All right,
let's look in the other drawer.

(Cackles) Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!

- How much?
- $700.

- You got three like this watch, maybe?
- We'll see.

Herr Captain, buy porcelain?
Little Cupid to take for wife?

Never mind the knick-knacks.
How much for the mattress?

- Why you want the mattress?
- I'm sleepy.

- How much for the mattress?
- (Speaking German)

What do you mean, "nein, nein, no"?

Look what you can get for it.

(Speaking German)

12 eggs in it and look at
the writing on it and the candles.

The candles alone are worth the mattress.
Get lost.

(All speaking German)

(Brakes squeal)

(Honks horn)

Yoo-hoo!

Erika! Erika!

(Whistling cheerfully)

(Speaks German)

Sit down, Johnny.

Go away, Johnny, sit down.

Johnny.

Johnny, what are you doing?

- I'm wiping my face.
- You're hurting me, Johnny.

You're always hurting me.
Why are you so mean to me?

I worry about you. I scrounge around,
I bring you presents

and you tell me I'm mean to you.

You brought me a present? Where is it?
Where have you got it?

Ohh...

Johnny, they're so sheer. So beautiful.

52 gauge. So I'm mean to you?

- No, you're good to me.
- You bet I am.

You don't know how good. I bought
you another present. You're not gonna get it.

Another one? Where have you got it?
Where is it, Johnny?

- Keep away.
- Is it here? Tell me...

Johnny... (Speaks German)

- Where did you get it?
- A friend of mine baked it.

Only you're not going to get it. Why
should I care whether you sleep or not?

Johnny, for 15 years
we haven't slept in Germany.

First it was Hitler screaming on the radio,
then the war of nerves,

then the victory celebrations,

then the bombing.

All the furniture burnt.

See?

(Springs crash and boing)

That one I hate worst.
Give me that mattress, Johnny.

No mattress will help you sleep.

What you Germans need
is a better conscience.

I have a good conscience.

I have a new F�hrer now... you.

Heil, Johnny.

You heil me once more
and I'll knock your teeth in.

You'll bruise your lips.

Why don't I choke you a little?
Break you in two?

Build a fire under you, you blonde witch.

(Knock at door)

Who's that?

With my luck, it's Eisenhower.

- Yes.
- Your name Schl�tow?

- I beg your pardon.
- Is your name Erika Schl�tow?

- No.
- You live here, don't you?

Yes, I live here.

You the dame that sings
at the Lorelei nightclub?

- Yes, I sing there.
- And your name's not Erika Schl�tow?

My name is Erika von Schl�tow.

- A von?
- She's a von.

Nobility. We beg your highness's pardon.

- What do you want?
- A little information.

It says here that a certain Erika Schl�tow...
von Schl�tow, pardon I...

has been an active von Nazi
ever since 19 - von - 35.

Go on, gentlemen.

It says that Miss von Schl�tow
was ordered over a month ago

to a von labour camp
to pick up some von bricks.

- What else does it say?
- You're working at a night joint.

According to this report,
what you're moving there ain't bricks.

I'm an artist, gentlemen, not a street
cleaner, and I've been completely cleared.

Yeah? Tell us all about it.

My case has been reviewed
and the decision reversed.

I'm on the white list now.

With that record? If you make the white list,
we'll make the hit parade.

- OK, von sister, get your things on.
- What for?

We're taking you to
the von denazification office.

Now, Abbot and Costello,
show me your orders.

- Yes, sir.
- Who gave you these?

- Lieutenant Clark, sir.
- Four weeks old.

We've had a lot of people to check.

Paperwork, that's why we're always
fouled up when a war starts.

Takes us six months to clear up
the paperwork from the last one.

I'll talk to Clark.
This case is straightened out.

- Sorry, sir.
- OK. That's all. Take off.

- May I have that, please?
- Sorry.

Take an ordinary guy, make him an MP,
suddenly he gets to be eight feet tall.

- If they look into the files for my papers.
- Stop worrying. They're OK.

- Goodbye. I got a desk full of work.
- Did the Colonel sign my papers?

Not exactly. He was out of the office
having his tonsils swabbed.

- The duty officer signed them.
- Who was the duty officer?

I was.

Johnny, if they find out you know me,
that's very dangerous.

Everything is dangerous.

I know an old lady back home,
broke her leg stepping into a church pew.

See you, baby.

Johnny! When you come back,
bring me some sugar.

- Yeah, sure.
- And some soap.

And hairpins.

- Anything else?
- A pillow to go with that mattress.

Ah, you gorgeous booby trap.

Yahoo!

(Siren wailing)

On your left is the Russian war memorial,

built in honour of their soldiers
killed in the battle of Berlin.

Those tanks on the side
were the first to enter Berlin.

Beyond it, the Reichstag,
the German house of representatives.

That's the building set on fire in 1933
and blamed on a poor Dutchman.

The word got out it was Hitler
who threw the match.

They used to say it's the first time in history
a man gave himself the hotfoot.

(Siren wailing)

The Brandenburg Gate, an arch of triumph
until they got out of the habit.

That rubble heap over there
was the American embassy.

You can't tell now but this spot
was once the heart of Europe.

The street is the famous Unter den Linden,

named after the linden trees,
which they've replanted now.

That pile of stone over there
was the Adlon Hotel,

just after the 8th Air Force
checked in for the weekend.

Now, let's look at the Wilhelmstra�e.

(Siren wailing)

Here's the Reich Chancellery where
the F�hrer fixed himself up a duplex.

As it turned out, one part got to be a big
padded cell and the other a mortuary.

Underneath is a concrete basement,

where he married Eva Braun
and where they killed themselves.

A lot of people say it was
the perfect honeymoon.

Over there is the balcony where he bet
his Reich would last a thousand years.

That's the one that broke
the bookies' hearts.

This is the Tiergarten,
used to be the Central Park of Berlin.

Those two big cement things are
the zoo bunkers, enormous pillboxes.

They were the last two buildings
in Berlin to surrender.

I thought you'd be interested
in a typical Berlin residential area.

If you look hard,
you'll see the houses are empty shells,

completely burned out by incendiaries.

Life goes on in those ruins, though.

That used to be
the largest department store in Berlin.

It was 12 storeys high. Later on it became
headquarters for the storm troopers.

They blew it up themselves.
The idea was to destroy all their records.

They overlooked the fact that most
of them were in fireproof vaults.

Excuse me.

Well.

This is one of our youth clubs. We've
got a lot of them in the American zone.

We had quite a problem. Those weren't
ordinary youngsters when we came in.

They were mean old men. Now we're
trying to make kids of them again.

We had to kick the goose step out of them
and cure them of blind obedience

and teach them to beep at the referee.

If they want to steal,
make sure it's second base.

(Cheering)

One thing they don't have to worry about
round here, breaking windows.

One family has already
christened a kid DiMaggio Schultz.

That's when I started believing
we'd won the war.

- (Shouts in German)
- (All yelling)

(Man) Hey, Fr�ulein! Hey, Fr�ulein!

(Whistling)

Hey, Fr�ulein! Hey, Fr�ulein!

(Laughing) No, no, no.

Come on. What's the matter with you two?
Just a little Spazierfahren in the park.

Nein, we don't bicycle. We automobile.
(Both laugh)

Automobile? You got yourselves officers?

- (Speaking German)
- French officers.

OK. So they got an automobile
but we got the candy bar.

(Speaking German)

Ah, your F�hrer's moustache.

Hey, Doctor, I got a lady on the balcony.

Size 14.

Hey, Fr�ulein! Hey, Fr�ulein!

Hey, Fr�ulein! Stop, Fr�ulein!

- Guten afternoon, Fr�ulein.
- Hello, Fr�ulein.

(Giggles)

Das is my friend Brigadier General Mike.

And das is mein Freund,
Lieutenant General Joe.

Jawohl.

You know, you're a nice little strudel.

Hey, hands off. I saw her first.

(Giggles)

Fr�ulein, would you like
a little Spa�machen,

- Biertrinken and Tanzen making?
- Jawohl.

She must be tetched in the wool.
All she can say is, "Jawohl".

(All laugh)

[Music:] Fr�ulein, Fr�ulein, willst du ein candy bar

[Music:] Sch�n, fein Fr�ulein,
you like Gls, nicht wahr?

[Music:] At home though you won't believe us

[Music:] The girls could take or leave us

[Music:] But here we squares is millionaires,
ach, du wunderbar candy bar [Music:]

Don't give her that candy bar yet.
Are you crazy?

- I ain't giving. I'm just showing.
- Say, was ist your name?

(Speaking German)

- Er, Gretchen.
- Gretchen what?

(Giggles)

- Gesundheit. Gretchen Gesundheit.
- Gesundheit!

How do you like that?
We're fraternising with a sneeze.

[Music:] Gretchen, Gretchen... [Music:]

([Music:] Men singing in Russian)

(Song continues, hummed,
with percussion)

- I'm sorry. It's five packs now.
- Four packs.

Five packs for champagne,
three for wine, one for beer.

This is eine kleine clip joint. Here's your tip.

How do you like these prices? We got
to write Congress to boost our PX ration.

Fat chance. All them schmoes think about
is coal strikes, flood control, United Nations.

What's Congress? A bunch of salesmen
with their foot in the right door.

For my dough, you can have
Congress and the Senate.

- I'll take it.
- You got it.

(Speaking German)

Hey!

(All cheering)

What a bunch of cut-ups.

Hey, Gretchen, you live with your mother?
(Speaking German)

What business is it of yours?

Look, what do you want, the whole family?

You pulling a trick like the one
with the Schultz sisters?

Nein, nein, you Soldaten, United States.

Fry the uniformen.

([Music:] Dramatic piano)

(Cheering and applause)

Shh!

(Silence)

- ([Music:] Piano)
- [Music:] Black market

[Music:] Sneak around the corner,
Budapesterstra�e

[Music:] Black market

[Music:] Peek around the corner

([Music:] Sings in French)

[Music:] Come, I'll show you things
you cannot get elsewhere

[Music:] Come, make with the offers
and you'll get your share

[Music:] Black market

[Music:] Eggs for statuettes

[Music:] Smiles for cigarettes

[Music:] Got some broken-down ideals?

[Music:] Like wedding rings?

Shh.

[Music:] Tiptoe

[Music:] Trade your things

[Music:] I'll trade you for your candy

[Music:] Some gorgeous merchandise

[Music:] My camera, it's a dandy

[Music:] Six by nine

[Music:] Just your size

[Music:] You want my porcelain figure?

[Music:] A watch? A submarine?

[Music:] A Rembrandt? Salami?
Black lingerie from Wien?

[Music:] I sell my goods behind the screen

[Music:] No ceiling, no feeling

[Music:] A very smooth routine

[Music:] You buy these goods

[Music:] And, boy, these goods are keen

[Music:] Black market

[Music:] Laces for the missus,
chewing gum for kisses

[Music:] Black market

[Music:] Cuckoo clocks and bangles

[Music:] Thousand little angles

[Music:] Come and see my little music box today

[Music:] Price?

[Music:] Only six cartons

[Music:] Want to hear it play?

[Music:] Black market

[Music:] Mink and microscope
for liverwurst and soap

[Music:] Browse around

[Music:] I've got so many toys

[Music:] Don't be bashful

[Music:] Step up, boys

[Music:] You'll like my first edition

[Music:] It's yours

[Music:] That's how I am

[Music:] A simple definition

[Music:] You take art

[Music:] I take Spam

[Music:] To you for your K ration

[Music:] Compassion

[Music:] And maybe an inkling

[Music:] A twinkling of real sympathy

[Music:] I'm selling out

[Music:] Take all I've got

[Music:] Ambitions, conviction, the works

[Music:] Why not?

[Music:] Enjoy these goods

[Music:] For, boy, these goods... are hot [Music:]

(Applause and cheering)

(Yelling in German)

(Drum flourish with each throw)

Boy, that's strudel. That's the kind of pastry
makes you drool on your bib.

You know what they say?
She was up there with them big Nazis.

Right in the major league.
She was Goebbels' girl or G�ring's.

- How did she get away with it?
- Just look at her.

- She's hooked herself some big brass.
- Who?

All I know is, some big shot's
running interference for her.

- ([Music:] Jaunty tune)
- (Speaks German)

Jawohl.

Listen, if anybody's dancing...
Come on, Gesundheit.

- What's the matter?
- Let go of me, you ape.

- What kind of language...
- I said ape and I meant ape.

Hey! Hey!

- Where did you get that cake?
- (Joe) Hey, Mike.

I demand to know where you got that cake.

(Man) What you want?

Where'd this restaurant get food?
Our business, not yours.

I'm making it my business.

I happen to know all about that cake

and I am a Congresswoman
of the United States of America.

- Some strudel you picked.
- Yeah, let's go.

Put back that slice of the cake.

Take out the knife.
I want to know what it is doing here.

- It is being eaten.
- That's enough.

- This cake is confiscated.
- Hello.

- How do you do? So that's where it is.
- What do you know about this?

Very little. It was stolen out of my Jeep.

- It was?
- Stolen and sold on the black market.

They'll steal anything around here.

- When I think of that girl back in Iowa...
- Yeah.

I'll take care of this. Don't trouble yourself.

Thank you. Will you also take care
of a pair of disgusting soldiers

who should be stood up against a wall and...

Oh.

I want you to find them.
They're medium height. One is a little taller.

Their names are Mike and Joe and
they're in uniforms with US on the collar.

Perfect sense, ma'am.

Now, what exactly is
the name of this sewer?

- The Lorelei.
- Address?

- Number 15, Hagenbachstra�e.
- Are there other sewers like this?

- Three or four but this is the best.
- What is the name of that woman?

- What woman?
- The singer here.

Oh, the singer. I think it's Erika.

- Erika what?
- Erika von Schl�tow.

Why do you ask about her?

Because there's something funny going on
here and I'm not in the mood for laughs.

Schl�tow? How do you spell it?

Schl�tow, with an umlaut.

I thought so.

I want you to remember
that when we moved into Germany,

we found a country of
open graves and closed hearts.

We've tried to turn it into a civilised state.

We had to eliminate things
that breed unrest and aggression.

We've tried to make them free men
and give them some dignity.

We had to return four million
displaced persons to their homes.

That's hard if you don't have
a home to start with.

We had to repair hospitals
and public utilities.

I remember the first day the gasworks
started operating again.

There were 160 suicides in Berlin alone.

That was ten months ago.

Today, they take a match and light
the gas and boil some potatoes.

Not many potatoes, mind you.
There is still a lot of hunger.

But there is a new will to live.

We had to build schools and find teachers
and then teach the teachers.

We helped them start a free press
and institute a parliamentary government.

They had their first free election in 14 years.

It had been so long
they didn't know what to do.

It was like handing
the village drunk a glass of water.

What I want to point out is that
it's a tough, thankless, lonely job.

We're trying to lick it as well as we can.

You might as well know,
some of us get out of line occasionally.

But remember this.
For the first time in history,

you are asking the same generation of
soldiers to be both valorous and wise.

- Mighty fine.
- Well said.

I sure hope our chairman has
made notes of that speech of yours.

I think it should be
incorporated in our report.

Colonel, we buy every word of it, all of us.

I don't.

I wouldn't think of buying it. I'm surprised
at my colleagues' low sales resistance.

Miss Frost, this attitude calls
for some explanation.

Colonel Plummer, in your eloquent speech,

which I'm sure you've made 50 times,

you used the phrase "Some of our boys
may get out of line sometimes."

That is a masterpiece of understatement.

What are you driving at?

In your effort to civilise this country,
our boys are becoming barbarians.

- I explained on that tour...
- I know all about those tours.

You put blinkers on us and make sure
we only see what you want us to see.

Then you give us pamphlets,
statistics, a rousing speech

and ship us back a little more
bamboozled than when we came.

We could have learned
as much from Reader's Digest.

- This is very embarrassing, Colonel.
- Go on, Miss Frost.

Well, I don't like blinkers.
I look in all directions

and when I suspect dirt's been swept
under a carpet, I turn up that carpet.

- What carpet? What dirt?
- What dirt?

- One day and this is filled with it.
- Please particularise.

Gls consorting with German Fr�uleins...

Fraternisation is legal.

...in wide-open, shameless,
black-market nightclubs.

So we close them and our boys sneak off
to places in the Russian sector,

or the British, or in the French,
and there's another thing.

This is off the record.
Those places attract a lot of scum

and we clean it up by cracking down
with a surprise raid once in a while.

Notorious Nazi entertainers parading
themselves before our boys,

- is that off the record too?
- For instance?

I am specifically referring
to one Erika von Schl�tow,

who works at a dive called the Lorelei,
15 Hagenbachstra�e.

How can a creature...

I insist on a satisfactory explanation.

I must ask the Congresswoman
to drop this particular matter.

- Why?
- Some things must be left to our discretion.

Colonel Plummer, I didn't go for
the blinkers. Now, don't try a muzzle.

The last time someone wanted to gag me,
he tried it with a mink coat

but I never let go until the president of that
particular ship company wound up in jail,

even though I did get
pneumonia that winter.

Herr Maier, this is the second time
we've had complaints.

I don't think it's a good idea
that your son... What's his name?

Gerhard.

That Gerhard should draw swastikas
all over the neighbourhood.

(Chastises in German)

- I will break his arm.
- We've dissolved the Gestapo.

No food, B�rschchen.
I will lock him into a dark room.

Why not just shove him in a gas chamber?

Yes, Herr Kapit�n.

Listen, we've done away
with concentration camps.

Take him round to a G YA,
one of our German youth clubs.

Some baseball and a little less
heel-clicking is what he needs.

Here's the address. Ask for Sergeant Breen.

Yes, Herr Kapit�n.

I mean, thank you, Herr Kapit�n.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Come, B�rschchen.

- Captain Pringle is wanted in 112.
- Who's that?

That Congress dame,
whatever her name is.

- Wants to see me?
- You, sir.

- Now?
- Now. She's clucking like a hen.

You'd better get there
before she lays an egg.

- Captain Pringle reporting.
- Hello.

- Lorelei, how do you spell it?
- Lorelei?

l-E or E-I at the end?

E-I.

Thank you.

Captain Pringle, my belief in the army
has been shaken to the core.

- Really?
- I can't trust anybody in uniform.

Now, please...

With one single exception, you.

Thank you, ma'am.

I trust you because we're both Iowans.

- Right back at you, Miss Frost.
- Moreover, you're a hard worker.

Perhaps you work too hard. You look tired.

Well, I hoped it didn't show.

That is ink, Captain Pringle.

So it is.

Captain, I need your help.

I want some additional data
on Fr�ulein von Schl�tow.

The one with the umlaut.

- Oh, her.
- There must be a file on that woman.

- Of course there is. Only it's not here.
- It isn't?

I asked for it
and I was told it's gone to N�rnberg.

On account of the trials,
a lot of files have been sent there.

- I see.
- I asked around, though.

- Did you find anything?
- Nothing important. Gossip.

Are you sure? No fire with all that smoke?

She may have known
a couple of minor party members.

Nothing worth your attention.
Small fry, I'd say.

- All right, ma'am, we're ready to go.
- Thank you.

A warrant officer said he'd seen her
in an old newsreel,

so I sent for the film from the Signal Corp.

(Pringle) The Week In Pictures.

This is a little Nazi get-together in Breslau.

That's Goebbels telling them
how they're winning the war.

Opening of the opera with Lohengrin
and famous guests.

(Frost) They fiddled big while Berlin burned.

Lohengrin, you know, swan song.

(Frost) Now we're getting someplace.
I wonder what holds up that dress.

(Pringle) Must be that German willpower.

(Frost) Who's that man?
(Pringle) I think it's Birgel.

(Frost) Who?
(Pringle) Hans Otto Birgel.

(Frost) Who is Hans Otto Birgel?

(Pringle) He had something to do
with the Gestapo. He's dead.

- Killed himself when the Russians came.
- (Frost) An important party member?

(Pringle) So-so.

(Frost) Well, she must be his girlfriend.

Maybe she doesn't know him.
Maybe she had a dizzy spell

and the first thing she could catch
was his... elbow.

(Frost) That's enough. Thank you.

Well, we've learned one thing.
No small fry is she.

- I guess not.
- That a Nazi woman like that should...

I'll see she discontinues
her appearances as an entertainer.

- Will that be satisfactory?
- It will not.

What would you suggest, shave her head?

- I'm not after her head.
- Well?

It's common talk that an officer
in the army is protecting her.

- It's his head I'm after.
- You really think an officer?

Incredible as it may seem.

Now, let's use some common sense.

That man is not giving her
his protection for platonic reasons.

- Granted?
- Granted.

Of course the association is undercover.

He's not stupid enough
to entertain her at his billet.

- I guess that's right.
- We can therefore assume he visits her.

Very logical.

Therefore, to catch him,
we must watch her place.

Smart idea.

- You know where she lives?
- I can find out.

And I shall watch it
day and night... personally.

No, we'll watch it together, the two of us.

- We will?
- Yes. I want to be an eyewitness.

I want to see that man myself
and face him down.

Can you afford the time, Miss Frost?

Any time it requires.
This I intend to make my case in point.

You'll go to the General?

I will, and to the War Department
and to the President.

And if that doesn't do it,
I'll see Gabriel Heatter.

It's well after curfew.
I wonder if he's coming tonight.

- He'll be here.
- Yeah?

I don't think you understand
about arrangements like this.

They work 24 hours a day,
seven days a week.

Does the CIO know about this?

Are you sure there aren't
any back stairs to that apartment?

There isn't even any back wall.

She must be waiting for somebody.
Why leave the lights on?

Maybe she's knitting
or putting up pickled peaches.

Only we know better.

Pickled peaches.

I bet you miss Iowa. I do already.

- It's changed since you've been there.
- Yeah?

A lot has happened, especially in Murdoch.

- Do you remember Union Street?
- Mm-hm.

Well, they've changed the name.
Now it's called Iwo Jima Boulevard.

- That's news.
- And there was a post office scandal.

- Yeah?
- About the new mural in the post office.

The town collected $2,000 to hire a painter.

The mayor got his cousin
from Chicago to do it.

- That's nice.
- It was 80 feet long.

Supposed to be Custer's last stand.

After the cousin left town,
they found out it wasn't an original.

He copied the whole thing from a beer ad.

(Pringle) Hm.

- There was an awful lot of trouble.
- You take Iowa seriously, don't you?

Yes, I guess I do. I like it. Don't you?

Mm-hm.

We won a lot of honours last year,
all the 4H prizes.

It's getting a little chilly.

We had the lowest juvenile delinquency rate
until two months ago.

What happened?

A boy in Des Moines took
a blowtorch to his grandmother.

We fell clear down to 16th place.
It was humiliating.

(Horn honks)

(Key clinks)

What's that?

- Crickets.
- Something dropped.

- How's that?
- Something metallic.

Metallic?

Look, it's a key.

A key? Whatever for?

Evidently the man honks the horn
and that's the signal.

You know more about
these things than I do.

(Erika) Johnny? Johnny?

Where are you, Johnny?

Johnny?

- Johnny.
- There are a lot of Johnnys in the army.

- Now we're getting someplace.
- Where?

This eliminates all the Jims,
the Bobs and the Georges.

Too bad his name isn't Zachary.

Yes, that would simplify it.

(Door opening)

Johnny.

I... don't know who you refer to.

I am Captain Pringle

and I have with me a member
of the Congress of the United States.

Good evening.

- You are Erika von Schl�tow?
- I am.

We have reason to believe you're
consorting with a member of our army.

- You have?
- We think you're expecting him now.

- What gives you that idea?
- The key you dropped.

- Maybe I dropped it for the milkman.
- Oh.

She dropped it for the milkman.

Fr�ulein, if that's supposed to be a joke,
you're joking up the wrong tree.

Let me assure you,
we are in no mood for flippancy.

- Facts, if you please.
- Yes, facts.

- You are an American woman?
- We'll ask the questions.

- What is the name of the man?
- Yes.

- Johnny.
- Johnny what?

I see you do not believe in lipstick.

And what a curious way to do your hair,
or rather not to do it.

Wait a minute.
Do you know who you're taking to?

An American woman, and I'm a little
disappointed, to tell you the truth.

We apparently have a false idea
about the chic American woman.

- I suppose it's publicity from Hollywood.
- You're being impertinent.

Well, I must go back now. There's
a curfew for German civilians, you know.

There sure is.

Fr�ulein von Schl�tow,
we increased our national debt

by some $350 billion to win this war.
I would regard it as a waste

- if we didn't eliminate types like you.
- Like you.

Perhaps if you would change
the line of your eyebrows a little.

Gute Nacht.

Gute Nacht,
Captain... whatever your name is.

What nerve. What colossal nerve.

We have to remember what
they've been through.

All those bombings left them
kind of wobbly up here.

- I do look awful without make-up.
- You don't.

We were only allowed 60lbs of luggage.
No nonessentials.

Never listen to another woman if you want
to know how you look. Ask a man.

- Come on, ask me.
- I know how I look.

You look charming, positively,
definitely, absolutely charming...

in a... refreshing sort of way.

- Are you being polite?
- Who wants perfume?

Give me the fresh wet smell
of Iowa corn right after it rains.

We had little rain this year,
wonderful corn weather.

I'm sure glad to hear that.

- Now to get back to that woman.
- Must we?

To be as insulting as that,
she must feel awfully safe.

Or just bluffing.

The man behind her
must be really important.

A general or a colonel.

A colonel at least.

What's the full name of that colonel?

- Colonel?
- That Colonel Plummer.

- Rufus J Plummer.
- J for what?

J for John.

Do you think?

No, not him. It couldn't be him.
He's a married man. A West Pointer.

I've heard of married men,
of West Pointers, even.

- But not Plummer, ma'am, I swear.
- There was a look in his eye.

If we could only get our hands on her file.
Who told you it was sent to N�rnberg?

- Second Lieutenant Cook, in charge of files.
- Maybe he's covering up for his colonel.

- I'll ask him tomorrow morning.
- No. We'll go there now.

- Where?
- To the files.

In the middle of the night?
Shouldn't we get permission?

Did we get permission
to land in Normandy? Let's go.

Schl�tow, Schl�tow.

S... SA...

SCH to ST. This is where it would be.

If it is at all, but I don't think it is.

- Well, let's make good and sure.
- Sure.

Come on, open it.

Schlage, Schlangenberg,
Schlagenspitz, Schlitz...

Seems that some of them
never got to Milwaukee.

Schliemann, Schl�ssel, Schl�tow...

- There.
- Here's the Schl�tows.

Anton, Emil, Fritz, Gottfried, Waldemar...

- No Erika.
- No Erika.

Told you so. Gone to N�rnberg.
Gone to N�rnberg.

I'll take you back to your billet.

Erika von Schl�tow.

- Yes?
- It's under von.

Oh, no.

Like O'Brien. You wouldn't
look under B, you'd look under O.

- All right, let's look under O.
- Under V.

- V as in vindictive.
- What was that, Captain?

I pity anybody who has you on his trail.

You pity a man who's consorting
with a notorious Nazi?

Von Resnicek, von Reudesheim...

Did it occur to you there might be
extenuating circumstances?

I expect any man in his country's uniform...

Oh, that one.
You expect him to be an ambassador.

A salesman of goodwill. You want him
to stand on the blackened rubble

of what used to be the corner of a street

with a sample case of assorted freedoms,

waving the flag and the Bill of Rights.

That's not the way it works.

Suppose you stop and ask yourself
how come he skidded of the road?

- I'll tell you how. No moral brakes.
- That's it, going too fast.

During the war, he couldn't go fast enough.

"Get on that beachhead, through the
tank traps, across the Rhine. Step on it."

Faster, 100 miles an hour,
24 hours a day through burning towns.

Then one day the war is over.

You expect him to jam on those brakes
and stop like that.

Everybody can't stop like that!

Sometimes you skid, sometimes you go
into a spin and smash into a tree

and bash your fenders and scrape those
fine ideals you brought from home.

It's time such wrecks
were hauled into a garage.

- Anyone who forgets he's American...
- Don't forget he's also human.

What would you know about that?

Von Schlegel, von Schlittenheim...

The loneliness is stored up right down
to his boots and it's driving him crazy.

One day a pair of
open-toed shoes come along.

You want him to ask questions?
Party affiliation? Social Security number?

Yes, I want him to make sure
he's not doing something subversive.

Are you qualified to call the pitch on this?
What's your life, anyway?

Committees and sessions
and adjournments

and budget cuts and appropriations.

What do you do for laughs? What do you
do for tears for that matter?

For tears... for tears I cry, Captain Pringle.

It may interest you to know
I once cried for a man

till my eyes were
half washed out of my head.

Not really.

I was on an important subcommittee.
One was a Southern Democrat.

His convictions
were utterly different from mine.

I hated everything he stood for.
I despised his politics.

But I loved him... insanely.

I loved the Southern syrup in his voice.

His mint julep manners.

The way he'd look at me
through his long thick eyelashes

when I was vetoing an amendment.

He'd put his arm around me,
just kind of lazy, like.

Lean his head against my cheek.

His hair had a deep wave in it.

- You know what he was trying to do?
- What?

He was trying to sway my vote.

Once he drove me home
from an all-night meeting,

stopped his car on Earl Street.

For no reason at all, he said,
except he was yearning for my lips.

To tell you the truth, I was yearning for his.

But it would have meant betraying
my platform and my constituents.

- What did you do?
- I filibustered.

- You what?
- I just kept on talking.

The constitution, the Bill of Rights, poems,
Longfellow, anything I could think of.

Von Schloss, von Schlotzing,
von Schlumann, von Schl�rmann,

von...

- No other man since the mint julep guy?
- No.

- No more what you call yearning?
- No.

- Sure?
- None of your business.

I've been doing a little yearning
ever since you stepped off that plane.

Captain Pringle!

- Don't!
- Why not? You're not a Nazi.

Don't tell me it's subversive
to kiss a Republican.

I am a Congresswoman.

Yeah. Now I know how I'll cast
my absentee ballot come re-election.

- I'm here on official business.
- This is official.

Oh! Now, listen.

Listen.

"Listen, my children, and you shall hear
of the midnight ride of Paul Revere

"On the 18th of April in '75,
hardly a man is now alive

"Who remembers that famous day and year

"He said to his friend, 'lf the British march
by land or sea from the town tonight

"'Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry arch
of the North Church tower as a signal light

"'One if by land and two if by sea

"'And I on the opposite shore shall be
ready to ride and spread the alarm

"'Through every Middlesex village and farm

"'For the country folk to be up and to arm... '

"Then he said 'Good night! '
and, with muffled oar, silent..." Oh!

(Moans)

Now, Congresswoman,
may I have the floor?

You are entirely out of order.

Objection overruled.

Ooh. Oh.

Just, er, checking up on Paul Revere.

Oh, sure.

This is where you live, Congresswoman.
This is your billet.

I said we're here. What's the matter?

- I just want to die.
- You what?

It's awful. It never should have happened.

Listen, you didn't burn down an orphanage.

You got kissed in a file room. That's all.

- I'm a thief.
- Thief?

The lowest kind of a thief,
stealing another woman's man.

Yeah?

The cake I brought. The girl you left behind.

She sent a love letter and you fell in love
with the postman.

Those things happen, like electrons,
positive and negative.

- One day they get together and wham!
- No!

No wham.

- We've got to get control of ourselves.
- Can we?

It would be wiser
not to see each other again.

- I suppose it would.
- We can't go on with our investigation.

- So we drop it.
- No. No, I'll go on alone.

- I could enlist the help of the general.
- No.

Why not?

Miss Frost, Congresswoman,
Postman, darling,

to know that you're here and around
and I couldn't see you, I'd go crazy.

We've got to be strong.

This business about Dusty, it's not serious.
It's just a college crush.

- I have a dreadful sense of guilt.
- We're not engaged.

I'm not committed in any way.

It would break her heart, the daughter of
the man who swung the 4th Precinct.

No, it won't.
She's a kind of a flighty kid, you know.

She's been engaged to four guys
since I've been gone,

one of them a feed and grain merchant.

Think what a good provider he'd make.

Oh, John...

I don't even know your first name,
Congresswoman darling.

- Phoebe.
- Phoebe.

Isn't that ridiculous?

Not a bit ridiculous.

How about a good-night kiss, Phoebe?

Good night.

Good morning.

Good evening.

Good gracious.

(Man) The problem is how to stop
all this physical human contact...

We just ought to put our foot down
and put it down hard.

- Why, Miss Frost.
- Where have you been?

- We've been worried.
- Won't you join us?

- Miss Frost?
- Miss Frost?

Anything I can do for you?

Not a thing.

Hah... (Wails)

- Hans Otto Birgel.
- That's the best we could find, Colonel.

The others without uniform
don't show his face so plainly.

Lovely master race type.
I bet he never tortured anybody.

Not until he made sure
his dachshund had had his dinner.

I want every MP to memorise this puss.

Have 100 copies printed. Send it around
with a detailed description.

Will do.

We've got the trap baited
with the right cheese.

He'll snap at it, sure as shooting.

- I hope.
- (Knock at door)

Come in.

- You wanted to see me, Colonel?
- Yes, Miss Frost.

- That'll be all, Major.
- Yes, sir.

- How is the investigation going?
- The what?

- The investigation.
- Oh, fine.

- Making any progress?
- Slowly. Why?

It seems, in the course of it,
you lost something.

- I have?
- This is yours, isn't it?

Yes, thank you very much.
Well, I guess I'd better get some hatpins.

It is pretty windy in Berlin,
especially at night.

Well, the whole thing
can be easily explained.

But I hardly think you're in a position
to cast a stone, Colonel Plummer.

- I'm very sorry.
- I think you're brazen.

Am I?

- Having that on your desk.
- Having what on my desk?

I know all about that going
100 miles an hour, then the war is over

but you can't stop like that.

But there is such a thing as discretion.

- What discretion?
- Is this your family?

Yes, and this is our house in Indiana.

- How long have you been married?
- 22 years.

Oh, no. Perhaps it would be a good idea
if you sent for your wife.

She can't come now.
We're expecting a baby.

- A baby?
- I mean, our older daughter is.

I can understand the temptation of
a young man over here but a grandfather...

Really, Colonel Plummer,
you should have your brakes relined.

John. John, now I know.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- I found out. There can't be any doubt.
- What?

- He even has her picture.
- Who?

- Colonel Plummer.
- Whose?

- That woman's.
- How come?

I mean, what for?

To look at. He can't keep his eyes off her.

It must be a mistake.
Maybe it's somebody who looks like her.

Should I talk it over with the general?

- I wouldn't. Not the general.
- (Buzzer)

Excuse me. Denazification office,
Captain Pringle speaking.

- Who?
- Johnny, what has happened?

Why didn't you come last night?
I waited for you.

Johnny, are you listening?

Of course I am, Lieutenant... Forrestal.

Lieutenant Forrestal, quartermasters.

Well, Lieutenant, I'm sorry I couldn't
make it. I'm pretty busy these days.

Johnny, what's the matter?
This is Erika. How you talk to me!

Lieutenant, it should not be
too difficult to grasp the situation.

I wonder how he got through officers school.

Oh, someone is with you, is that it?

That is correct, Lieutenant Forrestal.

Is this the son of the secretary of the Navy?
Let me speak with him.

No, this is the army Forrestal,
absolutely no relation.

Lieutenant, I assure you
I'll see you as soon as it's practical.

It may be late,
possibly after your office hours.

- I miss you so, Johnny. I love you.
- I'll make a note of that.

Goodbye, Lieutenant.

Nice kid. We went through
basic training together.

Now, what am I to do about the Colonel?

- I don't know.
- Could he be transferred to Japan?

I don't think so, not Japan.
Not with Tokyo Rose around.

- What do you suggest?
- What do I suggest?

- What do I suggest? Come on!
- Where are you taking me?

Brent, take over for me.
I won't be back today.

Where are you taking me?
We have a meeting with the general.

You don't want to see the general,
you want to see me. I want to see you.

So little time, so much to say.
Don't let's waste a minute.

- My investigation...
- I'll handle it after you go.

Send you a full report to Washington.

These few days are ours.
They're all we've got.

You dreadful man.

Come on. Let's get the Jeep
and drive out to Wannsee.

It's wide and green and I know a spot
that looks like a bend in the Mississippi.

Let's.

(Brakes screech, horn honks)

Johnny, come on.

- Faster. Faster.
- Hi.

Two days and two nights, what has
mein kleiner Liebling being doing?

He's been making charm
with the bloodhounds.

How are things going
with the Congresswoman?

- All right. We're engaged.
- You're what?

Better than having my head chopped off.

- I didn't know you were that deep in.
- What deep? How deep?

Why didn't you tell me
you and Birgel were like that?

- He's dead.
- Having your hand kissed by Hitler.

I hope you had it sterilised.

Looked as if he had rat poison
in that moustache.

Don't talk like that.

Why not?
How much of a Nazi were you, anyway?

Johnny, what does it matter,
a woman's politics?

Women pick out whatever's in fashion
and change it like a spring hat.

Yeah. Last year it was
a little number with a swastika on it.

This year it's ostrich feathers,
red, white and blue.

Next year a hammer, maybe, and a sickle.

Oh, Johnny, we must not say
mean words to each other.

When you say you are engaged,
that is only until her plane leaves, huh?

What else?

- I love you so very much.
- You do?

You're the only man I ever wanted to marry.

That's mighty white of you.

I want to go with you to America.
I want to climb up the Statue of Liberty.

You want to get down
that basement at Fort Knox.

I want to be where you are.

Yeah, I can just imagine you
in Iowa in blue jeans,

going on a hay ride to the old mill.

I would love that.

Mmm, gently, baby, it's Mother's Day.

Cut it out, you blonde flamethrower.

Cut it out, I said.

Did you ever kiss the Congresswoman?

Sure I did.

- Did she kiss you?
- What kind of a question is that?

It's a very important question. What
do you do when you're alone together?

Oh... we sit, hold hands...

- whistle Shine On Harvest Moon.
- (Laughs)

- What's so funny?
- You hold hands?

Sure. Nice people do, you know.

You're so naive, you Americans.

So we are. So what of it?

That funny little woman with a face
like a scrubbed kitchen floor.

Yeah?

I have some vodka from the Russian sector
and I had the phonograph fixed.

- Would you like to hear some music?
- No thanks.

- Thanks a lot but no thanks.
- You're going?

- I got an early formation.
- You'll come back tomorrow night?

I imagine so, sterling character that I am.

So long.

([Music:] Pringle whistling
Shine On Harvest Moon)

- Miss Frost?
- Miss Frost?

- We're waiting for you.
- Dinner, Miss Frost.

- Did you call me?
- It's a quarter of eight.

We're going to the officers' mess for dinner.

I was sort of planning on a quiet evening.

Don't you feel well, Miss Frost?

I feel fine.
I have a kind of a headache, that's all.

Would you make
my excuses to the colonel?

- Sure will.
- Shall we bring you a sandwich maybe?

Cheese? Chicken? Ham?

Anything. Thank you very much.
Good evening, gentlemen.

Maybe we shouldn't leave her alone.

Maybe we should take her temperature.
Quite a lot of typhoid fever in Berlin.

Oh, good evening. I came to see Miss Frost.

Go on in. We're going out.

One might suspect
Cupid had a hand in this.

If we didn't know Miss Frost.
You can't shoot an arrow through steel.

Phoebe... Phoebe!

([Music:] Whistling Shine On Harvest Moon)

Coming, John.

(Whistles appreciatively)

Well!

- Do I look all right?
- Where did you get it?

- At the Brandenburg Gate.
- The black market? You didn't.

Well, I did. All I wanted was a lipstick
and something for my eyebrows

but a woman had this over
the handlebars of her bicycle

and I gave her my typewriter for it.

The shoes were six extra typewriter ribbons.

- Phoebe, for the love of Mike.
- Don't scold me.

I know I shouldn't have but I simply had to.

This is our last evening and I wanted
to look so pretty and I look just awful.

It's like a circus tent in mourning
for an elephant that died.

- It's no such thing.
- I'm not blind.

I tried to fix it but maybe
I'd better go up and put my suit on.

It is kind of high. What is it,
a turtleneck evening gown?

Well, it was a little lower but I fixed it.

You sure did.

Now, we takes this pin from here,
where it's just in the way,

and put it back here
where it can earn its pay.

It looked so lovely on the bicycle.

Now, stop it. You dressed for me
and to me you look good.

John, where did you learn
so much about women's clothes?

My mother wore women's clothes.

Oh, John, you're simply adorable.
Do you know it?

Who am I to argue with a Congresswoman?

You've got too much junk on your mouth.

- Have I?
- Now, hold still.

Now... we're in business.

We forgot your sable.

Oh...

You'll be quite a thing at that officers' mess.

- I don't want to go there.
- Where do you want to eat?

I thought some civilian place.

In Berlin?

The place where that singer...
You know, that place.

- You don't want to go to that sewer.
- Yes, I do.

I want it dark and gay and with music.

[Music:] Want to buy some illusions slightly used?

[Music:] Second-hand

[Music:] They were lovely illusions, reaching high

[Music:] Built on sand

[Music:] They had a touch of paradise

[Music:] A spell you can't explain

[Music:] For in this crazy paradise

[Music:] You are in love with pain

[Music:] Want to buy some illusions slightly used?

[Music:] Just like new

[Music:] Such romantic illusions

[Music:] And they're all about you

[Music:] I'd sell them all for a penny

[Music:] They make pretty souvenirs

[Music:] Take my lovely illusions

[Music:] Some for laughs

[Music:] Some for tears [Music:]

- Look, it's a hollow bottle.
- That's where the profit is.

There should be
a Congressional investigation.

- Second the motion.
- Let's investigate another bottle first.

- More champagne.
- Jawohl.

Hold my hand, John.

Sure.

Oh, John...

I'm so happy, I'm in heaven.

Not that I was unhappy before.

I was just drifting.

That's it. Drifting on a grey sea all alone.

It's not bad but suddenly you get scared.

You need another voice,
so you hoist up your heart and you wait

and nobody passes by, just grey waves.

Your heart gets frayed,
lashed by the night winds and rain.

So you haul it down, what's left of it,
and you resign yourself...

Then suddenly out of nowhere
comes a boat so unexpected,

all white sails on the horizon.

To you, my beautiful boat.

Phoebe, you make me feel awful.

Well, you are beautiful and you're fun
and you're good to me.

Stop it. I'm not that good.
Some day you may find...

You talk an awful lot for a boat.

To us.

([Music:] Vocalising)

[Music:] Want to buy some illusions slightly used?

[Music:] Just like new

[Music:] Such romantic illusions

[Music:] And they're all about you

[Music:] I'd sell them all for a penny

[Music:] They make pretty souvenirs

[Music:] Take my lovely illusions

[Music:] Some for love

[Music:] Some for tears [Music:]

(Cheering and applause)

- Good evening.
- May I?

- Get another glass, John.
- No thank you.

My, look at the kitchen floor.

- Look at what?
- Such a change.

This dress. This dress is from Iowa?

Oh, no, Berlin. Do you like it?

It's stunning but haven't you
got it on backwards? And the hair.

What did you put in
those pigtails, shoelaces?

- I like it.
- He likes it.

I shouldn't have mentioned the eyebrows.
Now her face looks bow-legged.

Miss von Schl�tow, I think
the pianist is looking for you.

Have you ever made any progress
hunting down that man?

- What man?
- My man.

Oh.

Oh, a little progress, only that's all been
postponed on account of another man.

Look at him. Isn't he beautiful?

Phoebe, please.
She always kids me like that.

- I know he's not pretty but he's beautiful.
- When are you leaving Berlin?

- Tomorrow. It's our last night together.
- Too bad.

What he doesn't know is he's going too.

- I am?
- I talked it over with the general.

- It was to be a surprise.
- It is.

- I can't go.
- Yes, you can.

He hasn't had a furlough in four years.

This is a bolt from the blue.
I didn't have the slightest, faintest...

Miss von Schl�tow,
isn't it time for your next number?

There'll be no next number tonight.

May I steal
one of your American cigarettes?

Hey, Pringle.
John, the Colonel's looking for you.

- Colonel?
- Yelling his head off.

He's got enough blood
in his eye to sell by the pint.

- What does he want?
- I don't know. Get down to his office.

Check! Check! Er... (Speaks German)

Go on. I'll take care of the check. Hurry.

- I'll drop you on the way.
- I'll take Miss Frost home. Get going.

Why are you going? It's so nice here.

- I got to go. Didn't you hear?
- I forbid you.

- Phoebe, this is the army.
- I don't want you to go.

I got to go.

All right. You're in contempt of Congress.

Take care of our friend. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Fr�ulein von Schl�tow.

- How much?
- No, this is on the house.

- Thank you. Ready, Miss Frost?
- Sit down. Have some champagne.

Another bottle. (Speaking German)

Sit down.

No, I really shouldn't be in a place like this.

(Hiccups)

(All yelling "Hey" in time
with Russian Cossack music)

- Ha!
- (All cheer)

[Music:] The stars at night are big and bright

[Music:] Deep in the heart of Texas

[Music:] The prairie sky is wide and high

- [Music:] Deep in the heart of Texas
- (Man) Yahoo!

[Music:] The sage in bloom is like perfume

[Music:] Deep in the heart of Texas

[Music:] Reminds me of the one I love

[Music:] Deep in the heart of Texas [Music:]

(All cheering)

Don't suppose you boys
know the Iowa song?

- Iowa, where's that?
- In the United States, silly.

- Since when?
- 1846.

No kidding. (Hums)

(Frost hums, off-key)

- Would you like to play it?
- We'll play it but we don't like it.

- My old campaign song.
- Sing it.

- No.
- You must. You asked for it.

Maybe there's some boats around.
Who knows? Go on.

[Music:] Ioway, Ioway

[Music:] State of all the land, joy on every hand

[Music:] We are from Ioway, Ioway

[Music:] That's where the tall corn grows

[Music:] Fly away, Ioway

[Music:] State of all the land, joy on every hand

- [Music:] We are from Ioway... [Music:]
- (Speaking German)

[Music:] We are from Ioway, Ioway

[Music:] That's where the tall corn grows [Music:]

- Everybody, sing!
- (Cheering)

[Music:] We are from Ioway, Ioway

[Music:] State of all the land, joy on every hand

[Music:] We are from Ioway, Ioway

[Music:] That's where the tall corn grows [Music:]

(Yelling in Russian)

(Sirens outside)

This is a raid. All military personnel,
get out their papers.

(Official speaking German)

(Frost) Whoo-hoo!

Hey. Hey, you.

Who-hoo.

- Hey.
- (Speaking German)

Jawohl!

(Laughs)

- Oh, will you...
- (Speaking German)

Where are we going?

Pretty hat. Let me try it on.

What's this? What's happening?
Where are we going?

- To the police station. This is a raid.
- A what?

- A raid. We have one every other week.
- That's ridiculous.

They want to check up on our papers.

We Germans have to have
our papers in order.

But I'm not a German. They have no right...

Of course they haven't. There's
no reason why you should submit to it.

You just tell them who you are and
they'll apologise and let you go home.

Only on second thoughts, is it a good idea?

What kind of an impression
will it make on us Germans?

A Congresswoman of the United States
of America caught at the Lorelei.

And where did the Honourable
Miss Frost get that dress?

The black market, maybe?

- Want some coffee, Captain?
- No thanks, sir.

- Just as well. This is the only cup.
- Yes, sir.

How about a jigger of poison
with a hemlock chaser?

More like it, sir.

Captain, I think you have as good
a war record as any man in this town.

You were on the first team since Normandy
and you sure carried the ball.

I know you were among the first ten men
to cross the Remagen Bridge.

I also know why you were in such a hurry.

Did you know what a hot potato
you had on your hands?

Well, not quite, sir.
I... had a hunch it was warm, all right.

Sometimes I wonder
if it isn't a waste of money

to import 11,000 ping-pong tables
for the recreation of you young men.

Captain, you might as well realise

we've been wise to you
and the von Schl�tow woman all along.

I kind of figured you were peeking.

The army has been counting on you
for a certain pattern of behaviour.

- You let us down but good.
- Sorry, sir.

Since that committee arrived,
you've been playing a double bill

with the lady from Iowa in the upper half.

I'd appreciate it
if you leave her out of this, sir.

You would?

Pressure has been exerted to have you
go back to the United States for a while.

- So I've heard.
- You're not going of course.

Of course. When do proceedings start, sir?

Captain Pringle, you're to stay away
from that certain party, off limits.

Suits me fine. It was all washed up
anyway as far as I'm concerned.

Let's get this straight. You're to stay
away from the Congresswoman.

Oh?

Pick up that torch for
Fr�ulein von Schl�tow,

light it again and carry it in public,
that's an order.

- Well, how do you do.
- You've heard of Hans Otto Birgel?

- That was her guy.
- He's hiding out in the American zone.

- He's dead.
- He's very much alive.

And thanks to you, he's kicking.

We had a hunch about him
so we watched Miss von Schl�tow.

Here are three letters we intercepted.

Someone tipped him off that his girl
has been seeing an American officer.

He's a jealous rat. He says he's going
to come out and kill you both.

- That's cute.
- Now, go on back and fan those flames.

Stick around the Fr�ulein until he shows.

I wish I'd never crossed
the Remagen Bridge.

Sorry, son, that's the way it reads.

OK, I'm going.
Only I think I'll have that coffee first.

Never mind the cup.
Just give me a spoonful of the powder.

(Speaking German)

- Do you have your passport with you?
- No.

You just tell them who you are
and they check with the army officials.

- I can't do that.
- Why?

What if the German papers pick it up
and there are some ugly references?

May never reach Washington.

Of course there's one person who could
get you out of all this nastiness.

Me. I could do it.

No names mentioned. No aftereffects.

Just as if it never happened.

Why should you? You don't like me.

It's not generosity. We Germans
can't afford to be generous.

We're very poor.

It's give and take if we are to survive.

What have I to give?

- What do you want to take?
- (Officer yelling in German)

(Speaking German)

(Speaking German)

You know what I told him?
That you were a country cousin of mine.

Perfectly easy if you have a safe conduct

with the signature of
a kind American officer on it.

And you wanted to chop his head off.

Exactly what is it you want from me,
Fr�ulein von Schl�tow?

Let's go up to my apartment.
It's only a few ruins away from here.

- No, I'd rather not.
- You'd better.

You may need a handkerchief.

This is a beastly thing to do but you must
understand what happened to us here.

We all become animals
with exactly one instinct left.

Self-preservation.

Take me, Miss Frost.
Bombed out a dozen times.

Everything caved in
and pulled out from under me.

My country, my possessions, my beliefs.

Yet somehow I kept going.

Months in air-raid shelters
crammed in with 5,000 other people.

I kept going.

What do you think it was like to be a woman
here when the Russians swept in?

I kept going.

It was a living hell... and then I found a man.

And through that man,
a roof and a job and food and...

And I'm not going to lose him.

What has all this to do with me?

A little. You see, you want the same man.

Come on. I told you
you'd need a handkerchief.

([Music:] Whistling Shine On Harvest Moon)

This is how he looked when I met him first.
He was a lieutenant.

He sat at his desk interrogating me.

He had such a grim, businesslike face,

but fortunately I was wearing
my last pair of silk stockings.

He's really a nice boy.

You mustn't judge him
by what he did to you.

He hated it. I know.

Of course, he would come here
and feel so miserable and sorry for you.

Your plane is leaving tomorrow, isn't it?

Don't sit there as if it was the end
of the world. Nothing happened.

He played a dirty trick on you, that's all.

So you fly off back home,
wash your hands, wash your lips...

They've got so much soap
in the United States.

Sorry. You know this game of love.

If you want to take
the advice of an old gambler,

some people are lucky at it,
some people are jinxed.

They shouldn't even sit down at the table.

(Car horn honks)

I do not imagine you care to see him again.

Why not go up the stairs where it's dark
until he comes in and then leave?

(Car horn honks)

Go on, leave. Haven't you had enough?

What is this, a big scene?

We can't keep a gentleman
in the dark, can we?

Four hours ago you could
have had him court-martialled

and sent me to a labour camp, not now.

Not any more. Now you're one of us.

Hi.

What's the matter?
No kiss for your little Schweinehund?

I'm sorry I had to show up with that
Congress dame. She's gone dappy.

Doesn't mean a thing.
Leaving tomorrow anyway.

Come on.

Sorry.

I guess this is where the funny man says,
"Shall we dance?"

You are not a funny man, Captain Pringle.

But you are quite a dancer.

What a waltz we had.

Good night.

([Music:] Man whistling Daisy, Daisy)

(Man) Shh! Hey, Fr�ulein!
(2nd man) Hey, Fr�ulein!

(Both yelling in German)

(Man) Hey, Fr�ulein!
(2nd man) Hey, Fr�ulein!

Ein moment, Fr�ulein!

Holy mackerel!

The last time we had
one of these, it lasted 11 days.

You're a great comfort.

You can't get to Washington soon enough,
can you, to dash off that black Berlin report?

No report at all, Colonel Plummer.

- No?
- I came here as an objective observer.

Some things have happened
which automatically disqualify me.

Aren't you taking it a little big?

- You know nothing whatever about it.
- I got a hunch.

In a way, I'm glad you took off the blinkers
and wandered away on your own.

It's a big mess we're trying to clean up.
There's a lot of rubble.

Rubble of all kinds,
vegetable, mineral and animal.

You walk around on it, you're apt to get
conked on the head by a loose brick.

Stop it, please.
I've had about all I can stand.

(Plummer) I'm sorry but I feel a little
responsible about that loose brick, Pringle.

- Colonel, please.
- I'm not trying to whitewash him.

There isn't enough paint in Germany for that

but let me scrape together
something in his defence.

- I'm not listening.
- Take it from me.

He won't get off scot-free.

As a matter of fact,
he's started to pay already.

It's no fun to walk around
with a target pinned on your chest.

I'd appreciate it if you'd leave me alone.

How's about some reading matter
for the plane?

Those aren't teardrops. I was washing my
hands when he asked me to give it to you.

All right, I'll put it right there.

Colonel Plummer, it's clearing. We should
be taking off in about 20 minutes.

- Thank you.
- Yes, sir.

Gentlemen, I was just informed there will
be no flights until tomorrow morning.

Now, we might as well
get ourselves back into town.

Sorry, Miss Frost. We're going
to wait for the fog to lift a little.

[Music:] Amidst the ruins of Berlin

[Music:] Trees are in bloom
as they have never been

[Music:] Sometimes at night
you feel in all your sorrow

[Music:] Her perfume as of a sweet tomorrow

[Music:] That's when you realise at last

[Music:] They won't return
the phantoms of the past

[Music:] A brand new spring is to begin

[Music:] Out of the ruins of Berlin

[Music:] Amidst the ruins of Berlin

[Music:] Trees are in bloom
as they have never been... [Music:]

(Speaking in German)

Hans Otto Birgel.

[Music:] Amidst the ruins of Berlin

[Music:] Trees are in bloom
as they have never been

[Music:] Sometimes at night
you feel in all your sorrow

[Music:] Her perfume as of a sweet tomorrow

[Music:] That's when you realise at last

[Music:] They won't return
the phantoms of the past

[Music:] A brand new spring is to begin

[Music:] Out of the ruins of Berlin [Music:]

([Music:] Singing in German)

([Music:] Singing in French)

([Music:] Singing in Russian)

([Music:] Singing in German)

([Music:] Singing in French)

([Music:] Singing in Russian)

(Cheering and applause)

(Gunshots, screaming)

So we followed her all day
until the five o'clock shadow showed.

- Sure enough, she was Hermann.
- Well, doggone.

You sure spin some tall tales.

Yeah, well, how about this?
Hans Otto Birgel.

Big Gestapo man hiding out underground.

The only lead we have is that
he's still crazy about a former lady friend,

a nightclub singer
somewhere in the American sector.

Herr Birgel suspects she's two-timing him
so he crawls out of his hole.

Only he doesn't crawl fast enough.

So we play it up a little
with the help of an American officer.

A captain, to be exact.

Make a fancy story in
a Sunday supplement someday.

- The Love Commando.
- (Woman) Ha.

Here's their angle. The Captain
isn't very keen for the assignment,

having fallen for
somebody else in the meantime.

You know how they cook it up
with a lot of marshmallow on top.

Then the story of how
they got the poison into G�ring's cell.

- (Whistles blowing)
- There were two scrub women...

Sorry, sir. The car has to pull in.
Keeping the street open for the ambulance.

- What's up?
- Trouble at the Lorelei.

- Birgel showed up. There was shooting.
- (Plummer) Who got it?

- I don't know, sir.
- Excuse me, gentlemen.

Perhaps you'd want
to come along, Miss Frost.

Hey!

([Music:] Singing drunkenly in Russian)

Mm-hm. Two plugs right through the kisser.

No.

- It was an ugly kisser anyway.
- It was not.

He was no good
and he's dead and it's OK by me.

Ohh...

No sense of humour.

Take care of her, lover boy.

(Humming mournfully)

- All right, clean up the mess.
- Yes, sir.

Find him a slab before the Russkies
start tossing him up to the ceiling.

Go on home!

Come on, break it up, let's go. All right.

(Humming stops)

Where are you taking me?

Looks like you've got a date
with five million von bricks.

I have a paper saying I'm on the white list.

We know how you got it and it wasn't,

if you'll pardon
the non-Aryan expression, kosher.

You do not understand. There's a mix-up.

Yeah. We just sent part of it
off to the morgue.

- Just ask Captain Pringle.
- Forget Captain Pringle.

How could I ever forget him?
He's so nice. I will miss him terribly.

- Please tell him.
- No soap.

And no chocolate, no cigarettes.

Tough.

Tell me, Colonel, are you
that wonderful Colonel Plummer?

That's me,
only most of the time they call me delicious.

Colonel, if I could come to your office
tomorrow sometime,

when you're not too busy.

Miss von Schl�tow,
I've become a grandfather today.

Let's not be silly.

She's all yours.

Can they take me
by my apartment so I can change?

- I guess so.
- Come on, boys.

Has it stopped raining?

If there are any puddles,
you'll carry me, won't you, boys?

You two, watch out for those two.

(Both) Yes, sir.

- And you watch out for them.
- That ought to do it.

He said there were two plugs in your kisser.

There ought to be.
I'm sorry about everything.

- Except the time with you.
- Take that away.

It's true. With all the headaches ahead,
you'll be my aspirin.

That's nice, but what about my headache?

You're on your way back home.

You'll be all right by the time
you fasten your seat belt.

I love you, John.

No, you don't. I'm just a hit-and-run boy.

The kind of guy you need
is somebody to marry.

Well?

Oh, no. I'm not somebody anybody marries.

You need somebody respectable,
a senator, a Supreme Court judge,

maybe... somebody from
the Smithsonian Institute.

I know who I want.

Not me, I'm a heel, a certified heel.

I got documents to prove it.

Listen...

"Listen, my children, and you shall hear
of the midnight ride of Paul Revere

"On the 18th of April in '75, hardly a man
is now alive who remembers..."

(Glass smashing)

Oh...

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