All language subtitles for Assisted Living s02e15 Ark Tank.eng

- ANASTASIA: Alright,
let me blow them!

- Okay blow them, go on.
- Okay, here we go.

- REGINALD: Ha! Pay up!

Your house is now foreclosed,

my block is now
fully gentrified.

- No it ain't.

- Now it is,
you owe me $500,

and here is your eviction
notice.

- Alright.

I would ask you to blow
on them,

but I don't want bad luck so
here we go...

- [everyone "ooh"s]

- There you go.
Well, Reggie,

you owe me a permit fee
to build on my property.

- I'm gonna build a library.

- You gonna build a library?

Passing out free books?

Oh, that's gonna make a lot of
money.

- Shh.
I need silence before I blow.

- That's what she said.

- MR. BROWN: Come on, let's roll
it, whatever that meant.

- Ah!
I now own a baseball team!

- And I own the stadium.
Pay up.

- Reggie, why you always think
you better than everybody?

- I am.

And it's Mr. Junie to you as
I just acquired

the company you work for,
I am now your boss.

- You know one day
you gonna regret

just talking to me like that
when I'm independently wealthy.

- Play! Just Play.
- Roll the dice!

- Just give me my money.

- MR. BROWN: Here,
I'ma pay you in ones.

- No, no, no, no,
give me the real money--

- No, you gotta take it
in ones!

If you want to take it,
you gotta take it--

- No, I want the real money!
- No, take it in ones!

- Hey, hey guys!
Well, what's going on in here?

- A game of Hoodopoly
gone bad.

- You know what? Since you all
talking about money,

let's talk about real money.

There's a new community
initiative called Ark Tank.

- Oh, Ark Tank?
- CORA: Yeah, yeah.

- The show that come on TV?
- CORA: Mm-hmm.

- What? That's my show!

- Ark Tank, see the pamphlet.

Right here, it says,

"Ark Tank is a community
initiative to help seniors

"use their imagination
to invent something

to improve their community."

Now wait, this the good part,
this the good part.

"The winner receives
$10,000!"

- MR. BROWN: What? $10,000?
- CORA: Yes.

- MR. BROWN: I'm rich,
I'm winning it. I'm rich!

- CORA: You know what, I think
we should do it as a team

and we just split the money.

- That's if old greedy here
wanna share.

Ah, take the ones like
I told you. Take the ones.

- EFE: You still want us to
do it as a team?

- Nah, you gonna play it,

I'm gonna play it the way
I want to.

- ♪

♪ No matter what you do,
I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go,
I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember,
blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we
stay together ♪

- ♪

- What time you'd get
in last night?

- Man time.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- It means I got home
when I got home.

- Yeah right, we both have
a curfew and you know it.

- Good morning.

One of you have my
cell phone charger?

I couldn't charge my phone
last night.

- Uh, I have it.

Sorry Mom, you were asleep
when I got in last night,

and I didn't want to wake
you up.

Then me and Dad started watching
Dumbest Criminals.

- Wait, you watched TV
with Dad?

- Yeah.

- Do you know what time
he got home?

- Yeah.

- [door slams]

- Kids,
am I right?

- Boy, watch yourself.
Make your bed up.

Grown man.

- Dad?

Dad?

- Hey.

- Is it just me or did I wake up
in The Twilight Zone?

- What's up?

- Did you watch a show
with Philip last night?

- Yeah, it was funny as hell.
Oh my god.

Yo, this dude tried to rob a
store

with a brown bag over his head,
with no eye holes.

Then he ran into the chip rack
and then the clerk

came out of nowhere and drop
kicked him.

It was hilarious!

- Right. Do you know what
time he got home?

- Uh, he brought me a salted
caramel funnel cake

when he got home,
I remember that.

- Okay, so you do know he was
late coming home, right?

- Yeah.
- SANDRA: Did he call first?

- Mm-mm.

- What?

When I came home late last
month, I was grounded for weeks.

- Yeah, that's different.

- Okay, how so?

- Because you're a girl.

- And?
I'm older.

- Look, it don't matter,
alright?

- So you let Philip stay out
later than me

because he's a boy?

- Yes, you are a girl,
and you are more fragile

and vulnerable.
You are my daughter,

and I'm not letting anything
happen to you out there.

I don't want you to get hurt.

- That is so unfair.
- ANASTASIA: It is.

- I'm responsible.
- Independent.

- Wise.
- Mature.

- So why is this happening
to me?

- Something called chauvinism.

But your dad loves you, darling.

- Yeah, well, he obviously
loves Philip more.

- Look, no, sometimes when
things are unfair,

you have to make them so.

- Well, how am I supposed
to do that?

- I think I might have something
in mind that can work.

Have you ever heard of
Ida B. Wells?

- Isn't she that reality star
on How to Box a Kangaroo?

- No, darling.
We have much to talk about.

- ♪

- Okay, I'ma let all y'all
have the shine,

I'm not gonna participate.
- Good idea.

- Yeah, I'm a coach.
- Bad idea.

- I have you to know I've
been coaching for years,

and I'm undefeated.

- Like what, fool?

- My female chess team,
they won the triple-D cup.

- Let us get started.

- Okay, okay--
- CORA: Thank you.

- What we gonna do is,
y'all throw out ideas,

and then I'ma vote them
up or down.

I'm the coach, okay?
Thank you.

- CORA: And I'ma
write 'em down.

- MR. BROWN: Yeah, you Cora,
you write them down.

Okay--
- I'll go first.

- You go first, yeah.

- Wrinkle water.

With each drop,
the wrinkles stop.

- That would have to be
lab tested,

no time for that.
Next.

- MR. BROWN: Wrinkle water.
Reggie, let me,

I vote stuff up or down,
I'm the coach.

I vote up or down.

Anastasia, that was such a ...

Oh, that idea, girl,
however stupid it was!

Have a seat.
Next!

- I have an idea.
- MR. BROWN: Mm-hmm.

- Pan-African Eats.

It is a drone service that
takes hot meals

from local restaurants to
Africa in 24 hours.

- MR. BROWN: Hey!

Okay, so food from Africa?
- Mm-hmm

- MR. BROWN: To America?
- Yes.

- MR. BROWN: Over the water?
- Uh-huh.

- It's gonna be hot
and it's gonna get colder?

- Ah, yes now.

- Boy, don't nobody want no
order of salmonella, sit down.

You'll kill somebody!
- VINNY: It's kinda stupid.

I've got a great idea.
- MR. BROWN: Okay.

- How about this?
Love lotion!

You put it all over your body
when you making love.

Get this.
Smell like collard greens.

- I am not writing that down,
Mr. Vinny.

- You always hungry when
you finish making love.

- Vinny stop being nasty,
what kind of lotion

gonna do that?

- This is ridiculous.

- Reginald, what did you have in
mind?

- Well, it has to be something
practical,

like The Clapper.
- [claps hands]

- That's already been invented.

- Well, wait a minute now,

depends on what you wanna
be clapping.

- What about a 24-hour
burial service?

We bury your dead
by the time you get to bed.

- How do we make money from
that?

- Well, people dying as
they ain't never died before.

- That's true.

Oh! I say we charge a
subscription fee.

- That's a good idea.

- We charge them $12 a month,
on a thirty-year contract.

- Bad idea.
Who's gonna pay?

The people are already dead.

- What about a $20
visitor's fee?

- Hmm.

- That's stupid,

don't nobody visit you when you
done dead. That's just...

- And it takes a week
to embalm you.

- Not at our funeral service,

where we put some, some,
flat fixer in you,

boom, hit it,
swell you right on up.

- Were you born with fool genes?

- Okay, you're not gonna talk to
your coach like,

'cause I can vote your idea
up or down.

Which one you want it?
Up or down?

- I will not be part
of a half-baked idea,

I think it's best that I
go this alone.

- Well go, fine.
Do what you're gonna do.

May the best man win.

- Good luck coaching the
Bad News Bears.

- My people come up with
anything

you can come up with,
Mr. Smarts.

- The table is set?
- Yep, I got it Cora, check.

- Okay, the community judge
should be here any minute.

- Okay, who judging?

- Don't worry about it,
Mr. Brown.

- Oh.

You look excited to be here.

- What is this? Jury duty.

Couldn't come up with a good
enough excuse to decline,

so now you're gonna shove this
down my throat?

- Well, it's always good
to see you, too.

Have a seat.
This won't take long at all.

- And we're gonna have each
contestant

come in one at a time, okay?

- Sure.

- Alright, contestant number
one!

- MR. BROWN: Number one!

- Good day.

My name is Anastasia.

You may be wondering why I
don't have anything in my hands.

- No I'm not, I'm just wondering
how long this is gonna take,

because I got a TV dinner
cooking at home.

- Because they're on my feet.

- What, bunions?

- Hope you don't have foot
fungus.

- Introducing Moonwalkers.

It's like having a personal
masseuse to work your dogs.

Cushy, gel bubbles help with
back pain--

- EVERYONE: MM-hmm.

- Arch fatigue--
- CORA: Preach, sister.

- Leg cramps--
- MR. BROWN: Yeah.

- Fasciitis, gingivitis,
and hair loss.

In days, you will feel like
you're walking on the moon.

Moonwalkers for you!

Moonwalkers for you!

And if I had enough,

there'd be a Moonwalker for
you too, dear.

- CORA: Oh.

- If you had a third foot,
you'd be an alien.

- INSPECTOR: Next!

- Contestant number two!

- [Mr. Brown
starts beat boxing]

- That's the music.
- [continues beat boxing]

- I am Efedotore Omowale.

- Say what?

Sounds like an element from
the periodic table.

- Imagine you're all alone,
and you cannot go somewhere

because you have misplaced your
cane.

My friends, introducing
Boomerang Cane!

- CORA: What?

- Boomerang Cane.

- Okay, say it slow,
say it slow.

- Boomerang.
Cane.

- Boomerang Cane! Oh!

- If you lose this cane,
one click of a remote,

it'll come flying
back to you.

Let me demonstrate.

- [cane hits something]
- JEREMY: Ow!

- It definitely not
coming back.

- Nope. Next!

- Contestant number three!

- [Mr. Brown starts scatting]

- Silence, Buckwheat's daddy.

Who says old people can't
have a pimped-out ride?

Who said it? Somebody said it?

They shouldn't say it, because
check this out.

- Okay.

- Introducing wheelchair
spinners, baby.

And every one is programmed
with old school music.

They'll be grinning,
while they're spinning.

Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
You hear that?

- What the what?

- Are you for real, Vinny?

- For real as I can get--
- Next!

- This thing gone from
bad to worse.

They can kiss their money
goodbye.

- Contestant number four!

- [Mr. Brown starts making
various sound effects]

- Hello, sir.
I'm Judge Reginald Junie.

You've heard your teacher say,
"Put on your thinking cap."

Well, now you can.
Introducing

the first artificially
intelligent

thinking cap.

You place it on your cranium,

calibrates your brain cells
to read brain waves,

and reveal what others
are thinking.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Mr. Brown is thinking...

- MR. BROWN:
[makes eerie nosies]

- "Why did I not come up with
such a brilliant idea?"

- Mr. Brown is thinking,
"My, he looks stupid in that."

Under breath.

- Oh yeah?
And what am I thinking?

- See? I knew you were
going to ask me that.

- ♪

- Did y'all select a winner?

Okay, well I'll...

- CORA: Thank you.

Alright, so the inspector
has selected a winner.

- He cannot deny my
Boomerang Cane.

- His feet must be
on cloud nine.

- Wheelchair spinners, baby.

- Mine was made with superior
intelligence.

- Alright, it seems like we
had a last-minute submission

that swept it.

With the Get Smart Mood
Monitor Wristband,

"Wear your feelings
on your sleeve,"

I like that.

Okay, and the Ark Tank
winner is,

Leroy Brown?

- EVERYONE: What?

- Ah, bam! Look at that!
Read it and weep, suckas!

Yes, I know what Reggie
thinking,

"I wish I had the brains
of a scarecrow."

Gotcha.

Wait a minute, hold on,
it's telling me,

"You're a winner."
I hear it.

My mood monitor.
- This is bull!

Okay, I'm not gonna say it,
but it is.

- That scallywag!

This is truly unacceptable!
Mendacious! A pure outrage!

- Mr. Reginald, Mr. Brown
won fair and square.

- Oh, I beg to differ,
Ms. Cora.

- CORA: Why?
- In the law,

we call this deceptive
behavior, "fraudulent."

And there's the fraudster!

- No, no, re-address me,

say, "And there's
the champion!"

- You're a scoundrel, Brown!

I will get to the bottom of
this.

- Okay guys, okay.
Now we're all God's children,

you know, whatever it is y'all
have going on

between you two, I think y'all
should just take a break

from breathing the same air.

- Because he's polluting it!
- Nope, I'm winning it.

My wristwatch said that maybe I
may need to do something to you,

like put these things on it.

- Mr. Brown, don't do that.

- Hold on, it senses something
with you.

It says, "Cora is too sad."

- Girl, you need to get sad.

- "Cora is just too, too much."

You need to get into something,
Cora.

What you gonna do, lie, cuss,
smoke, and drink?

- When the zombie came out,
out the gate,

and he started pop-locking baby,
what'd he do?

- [Jeremy moans]

- You crazy, boy.

What are you wearing?

- Yeah, why are you dressed like
Handmaiden's Tale, Sandra?

- Oh, I'm not Sandra. I'm Miss
Ida B. Wells, the founder

of the National Association of
Colored Women's Clubs,

and the NAACP.

I'm an activist for equal
rights.

Stand up for your rights.

- So this is about your brother
coming home later than you?

- Yep.

You guys are treating me like
it's the eighteen hundreds.

This is the 21st century,
why should I get punished

for the same thing that
Philip is doing?

- Baby, she got a point.

- Yeah, look sweetie,
we love you, alright?

We're not trying to treat
you like a kid--

- Mm-hmm. I mean, when we
watch the news,

it gets scary baby,
especially for women.

- Mm-hmm.

- Uh, Mom, Dad,

I'm going out with the boys,
so I'll be back near midnight.

Who are you supposed to be,
Harriet Tubman?

- Ida B. Wells,
dumb-dumb.

- Be back by midnight, Son.

- Good one, I'll just bring
you back some more funnel cake.

- You be back by curfew,
or you'll be on restriction.

- Just like I was last week.

- That's called torture.
- It's called equality.

- Why, because Ida B.?

- Do you even know
who that is?

- Of course. She an
old school rapper,

Ida B. on the beat.

- Wait, go back to your room.

You won't be going
anywhere tonight.

And stop by those encyclopedias,
pick up the "W."

Wells is her last name.

- A pair of brand new
white boots.

Buy me a fur suit,
the whole suit, fur.

- Hey, what you doing?

- Hey Cora, I'll have you know,
you will be proud of me.

- What? What is, what you doing?

- Okay, I'm in the giving mood,
I'm making a list,

so when I get my fortune,
I'm making a gift list,

and I'm gonna put all the
people I love on there,

and I'ma buy gifts for them.

- REGINALD: Hear ye! Hear ye!
All gather round.

- I'm not putting him on the
list.

Who you think you are,
Shakespeare or somebody?

- I've just returned from
the community center,

and the judge sent me back
with this notice

that they have rescinded
their decision,

and you are disqualified, Brown.

- Wait a minute, what?
What? Why?

- Well, it seems you submitted
your contraption

point-zero seven seconds
after the deadline.

- [all groan]
- CORA: Mr. Reggie...

- I bet you feel real good
about yourself,

just crushing somebody's heart

just so you can get
a little win, huh?

Well, if y'all would excuse me,
I'm gonna leave.

'Cause my mood wristband is
telling me that I'm mad.

And you wouldn't like me
when I'm angry.

- Hey look, don't make me
throw these hands on you!

- No, I don't want you to.

I've always been an
overachiever. Overly...

- Ignorant, arrogant?
- Yeah, I get it,

those were some of the
complaints that my ex-wife had,

and that's why she went off
with that rodeo star

named Bucking Benji.
- MR. BROWN: What?

Bucking Benji?

- Anyway, I, I apologize
for insulting you, Brown.

And I guess competition
awakens the raging lion in me.

- Yeah, me too.

I accept your apology.

- Ah, and what do you say

we split the prize? Hm?

- Like split it?
- Yep.

- What?

Reginald Junie,
you a good man after all!

- Thank you.
- Alright, yeah,

we gonna split that thing good.

Ha! I'm rich!

- ♪

- ♪

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