All language subtitles for Into.The.Lions.Den.2011.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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* Music

[Voiceover:]
We go through life

self-absorbed,

childish,

oblivious to how
deadly the world can be.

* Music

[gasps]

[Ted:]
Come on, Johnny!

[Johnny:]
I'm thinking!

This game isn't as
easy for some of us.

[Ted:] Oh my God,
just say anything.

Never have I ever...

[Johnny:] Okay, uh...

Never have I ever slept
with a homeless man.

[Michael:] [laughs] We
both know that's not true.

[Johnny:] Aw, Mikey.
Sleeping beauty awake.

[Ted:] Don't
change the subject.

Do tell.

[Michael:] Remember
two summers ago,

you picked up that homeless
guy on Santa Monica,

like 3 A.M.

[Johnny:] He
was not homeless.

[Michael:] He was
carrying around bags

of bottles and cans!

[Johnny:] So?

He was an
environmentalist.

[Ted:] And I guess that
makes you recycled goods.

[laughter]

Thank you!

[Michael:] That was
Johnny's summer of love.

[Ted:]
Oh.

[Michael:] You know,
it was his goal

to sleep with every man
in West Hollywood.

[Johnny:]
Mission accomplished.

[chuckles] And the
wank bank is still full.

[laughter]

What are you
laughing about?

You made a couple
deposits that summer.

[Michael:] All right,
Ted. Your turn.

[Ted:]
Oh, okay, um...

Never have I
ever done...

Oh...

Anything daring.
At all.

[Johnny:]
Wonk, wonk.

That's why you're
coming with us.

We're gonna make a
man out of you yet.

[Ted:] Okay.
[Johnny:] Here we go.

[Michael:]
Do we need gas?

[Johnny:]
Cigarettes.

[Ted:] Oh, you know
smoking causes cancer.

[Johnny:] Uh, not as much
as the second-hand smoke

you're about to inhale.

[Ted:] Rude.
Have we met?

* Music

[Johnny:] Phew, what
do we have here?

[Michael:] Don't start.

They probably hang
our kind out here.

[Johnny:] Oh,
consider me hung.

[Ted:] Oh, I'd let him
fill me up with premium.

[Johnny:] If there's
any room left.

[Michael:] Johnny?

Johnny?

[Johnny:]
What?

[Michael:] Don't you
have cigarettes to buy?

[Johnny:] Oh, I'm gonna
need a cigarette after this.

[Michael:]
And hurry up.

* Music

[Man:] Hey boss,
I gotta ring you up.

[Johnny:] Thought
you'd never ask.

[Ted:]
Oh, I see.

His new goal is every man
east of the Mississippi.

[scoffs]

* Music

Oh, he didn't even take
his wallet or phone.

* Music

No way.
No way.

They are going to
the bathroom together.

He didn't even finish
pumping this guy's gas!

How does he do it?

[Michael:]
Do what?

[Ted:]
Get so many guys.

It's like he puts a spell
on them or something.

[Michael:]
Please!

They can just smell
the desperation.

* Music

[Ted:] Well, all I'm
saying is that sometimes

I wish I had a little bit
of his skill, all right?

[Michael:] Skill?
Let me see this.

* Music

That's what I thought.

[Ted:]
That little slut!

* Music

[moaning]

* Music

[Man:]
Shit!

* Music

[Ted:] Oh my God!
[Johnny:] Time to go.

[Ted:] Shit.
[Michael:] What did you do?

[tires screeching]

[Man:]
Oh, fuck!

* Music

[Michael:] You're gonna
fuck up my transmission.

[Johnny:]
Don't I always?

[laughter]

[Michael:] You're
gonna pay for that.

* Music

[Johnny:]
Pull over here.

[Michael:]
Come on, Johnny!

At this point we're never
gonna make it to New york.

[Johnny:] The railroad track.
Pull ahead.

[Michael:] No, I can't.
[Johnny:] Pull over!

[Michael:] Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine.

[Johnny:] Now, you're
not gonna believe this.

Live a little!

[Ted:] Yay!

[laughter]

[Johnny:] All right, I'm not
sure if it's coming that way.

I think it's coming
from that way.

[car door opens]

[Michael:] And how are
these train tracks different

than any of the other
ones we've passed

in the last week
and a half?

[Johnny:] [groans] Mikey!
Mikey, Mikey.

Why are you being
such a buzz kill?

[Michael:]
Look, I get it.

You wanna see every
little ant hill and asshole,

but I was hoping we'd be
in Manhattan tonight.

[Johnny:]
What is the rush?

Manhattan is going
nowhere, okay?

And maybe you don't wanna see
these beautiful Amish women,

but Ted and I do.
Okay?

So, it's not
all about you.

[Michael:]
About me?

[Johnny:] Yeah, I get it.
You got your heart broken.

You got screwed over.
We're doing a fresh start.

So fucking lighten up.
Have a little fun.

[Ted:] Yeah, and besides my
dad gave me the credit card

so we have tons of money
for gas and hotels and food.

So we might as well
see as much as we can.

[sighs]

[Johnny:]
Get into it!

[Ted laughs]

* Music

[train horn sounds]

[shouting indistinctly]

[laughter]

[camera shutter clicks]

[Ted:]
So worth it.

[Michael:] Great,
we'll make postcards.

[laughter]

* Music

[Johnny:] Oh look,
another strip mall.

[Ted:] Manhattan looked
different in the brochure.

[Johnny:] [making
singing sounds].

[Michael:] We're
running a little bit

behind schedule, guys.

[Johnny:]
Ugh.

[Michael:] Thanks
to all the pit stops.

According to
my calculations

we've got another five hours
to go till we hit Manhattan.

[Johnny:] [groans]
If you had driven

like a [indistinct]
we'd be closer.

[Ted:] Ooh, do you think
there are any gay bars here?

[Johnny:] Hello,
rule of fives.

[Ted:] What the hell
is the rule of five?

[Michael:] Ugh, Johnny
has this saying

that every fifth
man is gay.

[Johnny:] Yep, whether
they know it or not.

[Michael:] Well, since we're
only sleeping here tonight

we don't have to
test your theory.

[Johnny:] Uh, grandma,
you can stay in.

I'm gonna
find the rodeo.

[Ted:] Ooh,
yeah, yeah, yeah!

And besides, maybe we
can see Johnny get hogtied.

[Michael:] Won't
be the first time.

[laughter]

[Johnny:] I can last
longer than eight seconds.

* Music

[rap music playing]

[Receptionist:] Shit!
Why the fuck--

[Michael:] Uh, excuse me?
[Receptionist:] What?

[Michael:]
I just need a room.

[Receptionist:] In this dump?
Are you serious?

[Michael:]
Just for one night.

[Receptionist:] Is it
ever anything else?

[Michael:]
Um...

[Receptionist:]
All right, sign here.

* Music

[Johnny:]
Come on, come on.

Yes!

* Music

Jackpot!

[phone beeps]

* Music

[sighs]

* Music

[music parodying shower
scene from "Psycho"]

[Ted:]
Eek, eek, eek!

[Michael:] Oh God!
Get that away from me.

[laughter]

[Johnny:] Stop going
through my suitcase.

[Ted:] You don't wanna know
what else I found in there.

[thud]
[Michael:]
Come on.

[laughter]

[music playing
from headphones]

[Michael:]
Don't read that,

you're gonna give
yourself nightmares.

[Johnny:] I'm just
trying to find the part

that says
gays are evil.

But all I can find

are complaints about
uncircumcised men.

God, it's like some
bitchy queen wrote this.

[thud]

Looking tasty, Mikey.

You're gonna fit right in
with us Chelsea queens.

[Michael:]
Why is he so happy?

[Johnny:] Ah, he was
annoying me so I gave him

a couple bumps
to keep him occupied.

[Michael:] I hope
you're kidding.

[Ted:] Oh, T minus 24 hours
till we're in New York City.

Broadway.
VIP tours.

Penthouses.
And East Coast boys.

Mmm.

[Johnny:] I just want
a hedge fund manager.

Someone who can afford
to put me in one of those

high-end rehab clinics
in a couple of years.

[Michael:]
You're so delusional.

[Ted:] And when
you've recovered?

[Johnny:] When I
recover, he can die,

leave me all his money,

and then I can start the
downward spiral all over again.

[Ted:] Mmh-hm.
[laughter]

[Michael:] Well, girls. Hate
to break up the slumber party

but I'm about
to hit the hay.

[Ted:]
Oh, no, no, no!

We actually have an idea.

[Michael:] Well,
Johnny, you can tell me

when we wake
up at 6 A.M.

[Johnny:] Well, this being the
last night of our road trip.

[Michael:]
Oh, God willing.

[Johnny:] It's kind of
like an end of a chapter.

[Michael:] Yep.
Roll credits.

[Johnny:]
No, no, no.

[Michael:] I knew
this was coming.

[Johnny:] Just a
couple of drinks.

[Michael:] No!
Absolutely not.

[Johnny:] What,
absolutely not? Just once.

[Michael:]
Just once, Johnny?

All we've been doing is
partying across the country.

If it weren't for
your little ideas

we'd be in
Manhattan by now.

I only have one week
left of vacation,

and unlike some of
us, I have a job.

I have bills to pay.
And you know what?

I need my insurance.

[Ted:] Well, we just wanted to
take you out to say thank you.

I know that Johnny and
I, well mostly Johnny,

have kind of been
assholes this trip.

Then you've picked
up the slack. So--

[Michael:]
Save it, Ted.

[Ted:] Well-- And Johnny
and I are going to split

the rest of the driving
to New York City.

[Michael:] You really
expect me to believe that?

[Ted:] Please?

[Michael:] [groans]
All right!

Only if you guys
drive me home.

And before 1 A.M.

[Ted:] Yes!
[laughter]

[Johnny:]
Let's get laid!

[Michael:] Looks like someone
got a cell phone reception.

[Johnny:] It's called
the Lion's Den.

[growls]

[Michael:]
God, help me.

* Music

[Michael:] You've
got to be kidding me.

[Ted:] What? You were
expecting bottle service?

[Michael:] I was
expecting a jukebox

and maybe a
couple truckers.

[Johnny:] You always
were a lot lizard.

[car door opens]

* Music

[Michael:] We're not really
going in there are we?

[Ted:] Oh, come on.
Just for a few drinks.

Think of it as an
ethnic experience...

[car door opens]

* Music

[Ted:] Oh, we just entered
the seventh circle of hell.

[Johnny:] It's cute.
[Michael:] I need a drink.

[Johnny:]
That's the spirit.

[Betty:]
$5 cover.

And I need to
see your IDs.

Oh, not you, sweetie,
you can go on in.

[Michael and Ted laughs]

[Frank:] What
can I get for you?

[Johnny:] Two whiskey
cokes and one just coke.

You bottom or top?

[Frank:]
What was that?

[Johnny:] I said,
fill 'em to the top.

And put it on my tab.

[Frank:]
Michael, huh?

[Johnny:] You can
call me Mikey.

[Frank:]
Right.

* Music

[Ted:] Phew,
you smell that?

That's testosterone.

[Michael:]
I smell something.

[Frank:]
Two whiskey cokes.

One just coke.

[Michael:]
Just coke?

[Johnny:] I have a long
drive ahead of me tomorrow.

You underestimate
me, Mikey.

To enjoying the ride.

[Man over speaker:]
Ladies and gents,

we ask that you please clear
the dance floor at this time.

The Lion's Den is
proud to present

the lioness that roars
louder than the rest,

the best of the west,
the mouth of the south,

hotter than an jalapeno,
Darla St. James.

[cheering and applause]

[Darla:] All this
for little old me?

[cheering and applause]

* He don't have a fancy
apartment in the sky *

* He don't have a shiny
car to take a ride *

* He don't have a
401K stashed away *

* But he's got something
better than that I must say *

* He's got his hands,
hands, hands *

* all over me,
all over me *

* He's got his hands,
hands, hands *

* all over me,
all over me *

* Got his hands,
hands, hands *

* all over me,
all over me *

* And baby that's the only
thing a woman really needs *

[Johnny:] Oh, you know
she just made his year.

[Darla sings:]
* He don't need no boat

* no plane, or even a cigar

* A [indistinct] paycheck
wouldn't get him very far *

* He knows a little trick that
always make the ladies smile *

[Darla continues to
sing indistinctly]

[mouths words]

[singing continues]

[laughter]

* all over me,
all over me *

* Baby that's the only thing
a woman really needs *

* He's got his hands,
hands, hands *

* all over me
all over me. *

* He's got his hands,
hands, hands *

* all over me,
all over me *

* He's got his hands,
hands, hands *

* all over me,
all over me *

[Johnny:] That is some kind
of pussy in the lion's den.

[music stops]
[cheering and applause]

[music starts
playing again]

[Johnny:] You could at least
have pretended to like it.

[Michael:] What was I
supposed to do with a woman?

[Johnny:]
You're asking me?

[Ted:] You were like
a deer in headlights.

[Darla:] He's not the first man
to be stunned by my headlights.

The name's Darla, and I
believe I owe you a drink.

[Michael:] Uh, Michael.
Don't worry about it.

[Darla:]
In that case,

I'm gonna need another
drink of my own.

It's getting late
and I'm far too sober.

Ah.

[laughter]

What are three handsome
men like you doing

without a trio of pretty
ladies to match?

[chuckles]

Ah, I thought you three
looked out of place.

[Johnny:] Yeah,
what gave us away?

[Darla:] Well, the
shirt's a starter.

[Michael:] I told you
not to wear that.

[Darla:] [laughs] So what brings
three fancy boys like you

out to this dump?

[Ted:] We're traveling
across the country

from L.A. to New York.

[Darla:]
Well, well, well.

You just got sick of
all that sunshine

and handsome men out
on the West Coast?

[Johnny:] No, the handsome
men just got sick of me.

[Ted:] We thought it
was time to explore

our opportunities
on the East Coast.

[Darla:]
Oh.

What about you,
you're awfully quiet.

[Man:] Hey Darla,
get on over here.

Let's get a
shot of whiskey.

[Darla:] Oh Bob,
just a second.

[Michael:] Guys, I think
I need a bathroom break.

It's been really great
talking with you, Darla.

[Darla:] He's a
mysterious one, isn't he?

[Ted:] Yeah, he's
had a long day.

[Darla:] [chuckles] Well, to
long days and longer nights.

Woop!
[laughs]

Now, if you
boys don't mind,

I think I'll go thank that
gentleman for the drink.

You boys be careful
in a place like this.

[Johnny:] Don't worry, Darla,
I always carry protection.

[chuckles]

[Ted:] So do you think
he's coming back.

[Johnny:]
Let's hope not.
Boring.

[Ted:] No, he just
needs to get laid.

[Johnny:] Or we could
always perk him up.
Tina's here!

[Ted:] Oh my God,
Johnny, put that away.

[Johnny:] [scoffs]
More for me.

[farting sounds]

[applause]

[Ted:] Maybe we
should call it a night?

[Johnny:]
It's him.

[Ted:]
It's who?

No way.

[Johnny:]
It has to be.

[Ted:] Wait, is that why
you were so eager

to come
out tonight?

[Johnny:] Look, look!
He's looking.

[Ted:] And you're
looking for a hate crime.

There's no way you're
going home with him tonight.

[Johnny:]
Watch me.

[Ted:]
Johnny...

Johnny, no!

Shit.

[Johnny:] You know,
you look better in person.

[Bruno:] What
did you say to me?

[Johnny:] I said, haven't we
met at a glory hall before?

[band members gasp]

[Ted:]
Hey, hey, hey.

[smack]
[crowd gasps]

[Betty:]
Bruno!

I made it perfectly
clear to you,

no more fighting
in my bar.

[Bruno:] Well, I was just
minding my own business 'til

Tinkerbell and his bodyguard
started fucking with me.

[Betty:] Yeah, well, you
have until I count to three

to get the hell outta here,

or I'm gonna put you up there
next to my 8-point buck!

[Bruno:]
They started it!

[Betty:] Do you need
help with this, Bruno?

One...

[Bruno:]
Fucking piss hole!

[Betty:]
Two..

[Bruno:]
[indistinct] bitch!

[Betty:] Yeah?
Get to stuff it.

Show's over, everyone.

[crowd murmurs]

[Michael:] Aw, shit,
you're bleeding.

[Ted:] I think
I'll be all right.

[Johnny:] Just put
some whiskey on it.

[Michael:] No more whiskey.
We're leaving.

[Johnny:] He's fine.
[Michael:] He's not fine!

He just got punched
in the face.

[Johnny:] He's not
a baby, loosen up.

[Michael:] That's
really easy to say

when everyone else
takes the fall for you.

We're going
back to the motel.

[Johnny:] [sighs]
Fuck off, Michael.

You know, don't blame
me for all your problems.

Some of us wanna live.

Not like you who get
your heart broken

and thinks
it's all over.

[Michael:] [scoffs]
Heartbreak? Fuck you!

[Johnny:]
I'm not going.

[Michael:] This would've been
cute about 15 years ago.

[Johnny:] Yeah, well, you're
not gonna ruin my night.

[Michael:] Just get
in, you old hag.

[Johnny:]
Old hag? Really?

Is that all you got in
your arsenal? Old hag?

[Ted:]
Just get in, Johnny.

[Michael:] [chuckles]
You know,

I got a theory about why you
keep stalling us on this trip.

[Johnny:]
Enlighten me.

[Michael:] You're
afraid to go back to L.A.

[Johnny:]
[scoffs] Why?

[Michael:] You keep saying
that this trip is about me.

That poor little Michael needs a
break from his pathetic life,

but we both know this is just
as much an escape for you.

[Johnny:] What the fuck
are you talking about?

[Michael:] What am
I talking about?

You are a 36 year old
man running around

like you're an 18
year old party boy!

Look at yourself!

[Johnny:] Last I looked,
I was doing just fine!

[Michael:] If you consider
being a slutty, drugged out

party boy, doing just
fine, then yeah...

But face it, you're
all washed up, Johnny.

* Music

Get in, Ted.

[Johnny:] You know,
I got my own theory.

You think it should
have been me and not you.

And you look down on me from
your pristine little pedestal.

Watch me party, think I should
be the one to pay the price.

[mockingly]
Poor, little Michael.

Life's not fair.

Cope!

[car door slams shut]

[tires screeching]

* Music

[Johnny:]
My tab still open?

Give it to me. Something
strong, anything.

Double, triple,
12 times.

Bucket loads. I want
the best you've got.

Give it to me good.

* Music

[Michael:]
All right...

[Ted:] Ow!
[Michael:] Sorry.

[Ted:] Oh God.
[Michael:] Sorry.

[Ted:] Well, I guess I won't
be making out with any boys

my first night in
New York City, huh?

First time I've ever been
punched in the face.

[Michael:] How did it feel?
[Ted:] It hurt!

A lot. Like, losing
my virginity a lot.

[Michael:] See, we are
making a man out of you.

[Ted:]
Ow, jeez.

[Michael sighs]

Hey, Michael?

[Michael:]
Yeah?

What did Johnny
mean when he said

you'd be the one to
pay the price for it?

[Michael:] [scoffs] It's just
Johnny running his mouth.

[Ted:]
And...

What are all those pills
you keep in your bag?

[Michael:]
[sighs]

I'm positive.

[Ted:] How long
have you known?

[Michael:]
Two months.

It's what happened.

My ex, he cheated on me
and he also got me infected.

[Ted:] Holy shit.
Why didn't you tell me?

[Michael:] I don't know,
maybe I'm in denial,

or maybe the way Johnny
reacted made it worse--

[Ted:] Oh come-- I mean,
I'm your friend.

[Michael:]
Oh, Teddy, I know,

but Johnny and I
we go way back.

Back when we
were goth, not gay.

He was...

He was my first.

[Ted:] Mine, too.
[Michael:] Son of a bitch!

[Ted laughs]

Really?

[Ted:] Just
fucking with you.

[laughter]

But you should have seen
the look on your face.

Just like my mom.

[Michael:] Look,
we worry about you.

I know Johnny and I
joke a lot with you

but you really do live
in an ivory tower.

Well, an ebony
one, anyway.

[Ted:]
Oh ho ho!

Well, I mean,
that's why

I wanted to come with
you guys on this trip.

I know I'm sheltered but I
don't wanna be some diva.

I want real
life experience.

Even if that means

I have to pay for it
with my trust fund.

[Michael:] [chuckles]
Well, you got it.

Right in the mouth.

[Ted:] Yeah, I guess
I was wondering

what it was like to get
punched in the face.

[Michael:]
Congratulations.

[speaking indistinctly]

[Frank:] Time to
close out, son.

[Johnny:] Yeah, but it
should be time to put out.

[Frank:]
I beg your pardon?

[Johnny:] [mockingly]
I beg your pardon.

[Betty:] Is this going
to be a problem?

[Frank:]
It's all right, Betty.

I'll close
this guy's tab.

Why don't you head out
and I'll take the bike home.

[Betty:]
Are you sure?

[Frank:]
Yeah.

[Betty:] All right.
I'll see you at home.

[Frank:]
All right, bye.

[Betty:]
See you.

* Music

[gasps for air]

[coughs]

[exhales]

[rap music playing]

[bell dings]
[Michael:]
Hello?

[Receptionist:]
Uh, yeah.

[Michael:]
Oh. I...

I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to wake you.

[Receptionist:]
Don't worry about it.

Do you always wake up
strangers for entertainment?

[Michael:] [chuckles]
No, of course not.

I was just hoping you
could tell me what time

bars close in
these parts?

[Receptionist:]
Uh, about now.

[Michael:] Oh.

[Receptionist:] I mean, I've
got some whiskey in the back

if you need a
drink that bad.

[Michael:]
No, I was--

I left some friends
back at the Lion's Den

and I was thinking about
going to pick them up.

[Receptionist:]
The Lion's Den?

That...

It's kind of a dangerous
place for your kind.

[Michael:]
My kind?

[Johnny:] Let me
ask you a question.

What kind of person drives me
here to this godforsaken bar,

and then just lets me
come here and miss me,

doesn't even show up,
abandons me, like...

[Frank:] I'm sure
I don't know.

I appreciate your
business, Michael.

[Johnny:] [scoffs] You know,
being easy was always easy.

I guess I thought it
would last forever.

I don't have a
plan for the future.

[chuckles]

But everybody just
keeps getting younger

and I'm starting
to feel invisible.

[Frank:] How do you
intend to get home? Hm?

I'm I gonna have to
call the sheriff?

[Johnny:]
Oh, that depends.

Is he gonna
take me in cuffs?

[Frank snickers]

* Music

[Johnny:] I'm gonna
give this motherfucker

a piece of my mind.

I am.

Fuck you.

[cell phone dings]

[Frank:] Now, now, that isn't
very polite, Mr. Ass Clown.

[Johnny:]
Ah.

* Music

This isn't real.

[Frank:] Seems
pretty real to me.

[Johnny:]
The whole time?

[Frank:]
From the beginning.

[Johnny:]
For real?

[Frank:] Didn't we
already go over this?

[Johnny:] And you were
gonna let me get [indistinct]

by that knuckle dragging
caveman asshole?

[Frank:]
Who? Bruno?

He's all talk.
Kind of like you.

[Johnny:] Trust, this mouth
could do a lot more than talk.

[laughter]

[Receptionist:]
Just one more.

[Michael:]
Really, I shouldn't.

[Receptionist:]
Nonsense, come on.

[Michael:] Really, I have
to go pick up my friend.

[Receptionist:] Oh, you
said yourself you wanted

to have a good time.

Let him swing.

[Michael:]
You're right.

To enjoying the ride.

That's good.

So, is it really
that obvious?

[Receptionist:]
Is what obvious?

[Michael:] You know, that
me and my friends were...

[Receptionist:]
Californians?

[Michael:]
[laughs] Right.

[Receptionist:] Please.
I'm straight, not blind.

[laughter]

We welcome all kinds
here at the Red Coyote Inn.

As long as you
have a credit card.

[Michael:] [laughs]
You know,

you're not like the
other townsfolk.

[Receptionist:] I'll take
that as a compliment.

* Music

[Johnny:] So, your
wife doesn't mind

that you lure innocent
boys to your bar?

[Frank:] Firstly, I wouldn't
call you innocent.

Secondly, I love
Betty very much.

She knows that.

[Johnny:] I didn't
ask if you loved her.

[Frank:] You may not
understand this,

but when you've loved
someone a long time

you learn to accept
little detours.

[Johnny:] So in other words,
she turns a blind eye

as long as you
play your part?

[Frank:] [chuckles] You
could put it that way.

[Johnny:] So what
are you into?

[Frank:] Well, I like mixing
drinks, shooting pool,

and late night
conversation.

[Johnny:] That's
not what I meant.

[Frank:] [sighs] Is that
all you came here for?

[Johnny:] I don't sign on to
Bender looking for a husband.

[Frank:]
Touché.

[Johnny:]
So?

[Frank:]
So.

Let's just say I'm into
some pretty heavy stuff.

[Johnny:] Oh yeah?
[Frank:] Yeah.

[Johnny:] Well, I've been
around the block a little bit.

Not much surprises me.

[Frank:] I think I can
teach you a thing or two.

[Johnny:]
Oh really?

[Frank:]
Mmh-hm.

[Johnny:] Class is in session,
and i'm an apt--

or rapt pupil.

[Frank:] Uh-uh.

First tell me what
you are into.

[Johnny:] I've never
done it on a straight bar.

[laughter]

[Frank:] But I just
wiped her down.

[Johnny:]
Yeah, well, uh.

Not much time left,

and I think you've tortured
me enough for one night.

[Frank:] We'll
see about that.

You know what's wrong
with you city guys?

[Johnny:]
What?

[Frank:] You're so focused
on the destination.

[Johnny:] And what
is wrong with that?

[Frank:]
For one,

the destination rarely
lives up to expectations.

[Johnny:]
Aw...

Are you setting me up
for disappointment?

[Frank:] Secondly, if
you'd stop and think,

you'd notice you're losing
the feeling in your legs.

[Johnny:] What
did you just say?

[Frank:] There was just a
little special ingredient

in that cocktail
of yours.

[clattering]

Where you going, Johnny?

The party is just
getting started.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[Receptionist:] So the
sheriff comes in, right,

with his girlfriend.

[Michael:] No?
[Receptionist:] Oh yeah.

I give him his
regular room, okay?

Ten minutes later,
his wife shows up.

[Michael:]
What did you do?

[Receptionist:] She had
a boyfriend with her.

[Michael:] Shut up!
You're kidding?

[Receptionist:] [laughs]
No. So I gave her a room.

[Michael:]
You did not.

[Receptionist:] Right
next to the sheriff.

[laughter]

[Michael:]
Oh god.

* Music

[Johnny:]
[coughs]

Where am I?

Michael?

Michael?

Help!

[Betty:]
You're awake.

Sorry, to catch
you off guard.

[Johnny:] What are
you doing to me?

[Betty:] I'm sure
I'm not the hookup

you were hoping
for tonight.

But don't you worry,

I'm gonna let you and Frank
finish up in just a little bit.

Oh, I hope
you don't mind.

I helped myself to a bit
of your party favors.

[Johnny groans]

[sniffs]

I'm sure you're wondering
why on Earth you're here.

Or what I'm doing here.

Let's just say you
shouldn't trust everyone

you meet on
the internet.

It's a dangerous
world out there.

I'm also in here because
of a little dilemma

that Frank and I have.

Mmh-hm.

You see, a
few years back

Frank and I started
to have problems.

I found out...

And I won't say how...

But I found out that
Frank here likes men.

Men like you.

At first I didn't
understand it,

but then I realized

every relationship
has its speed bumps.

Right?

But I know
Frank loves me.

And I love Frank.

[Frank moans]

So we learnt to make
some compromises.

And that's where
you come in.

[Frank moans]

Oh, I almost forgot.
Honey...

[Johnny:]
No, I don't wanna--

[Betty:] Oh yes,
you do. Trust me.

It's for your own good.

The last boy managed to bite
right through his own tongue.

Oh, don't worry, we got a
roofie cocktail so strong

you won't
remember a thing.

See, at first I
would just watch.

But then I decided to
get a little creative.

Now I control you.
This is our favorite part.

[Johnny groans]

[Frank groans]

[Betty:] [laughs]
You see?

Now, I get to have
a little fun, too.

And Frank just loves the
way you clench up like that,

don't you Frank?

[electric buzzing]
[Johnny groaning]

[Betty:]
Oh come on, baby.

Yeah.

That's it.
Yeah.

I love you, Frank.

[Frank:] I love
you too, Betty.

[groans]

[Johnny laughs]

[Betty:]
Something funny?

[Johnny:] You
two are pathetic!

You can't even
fuck each other.

[laughter]

[Betty:] Shut up!
Learn to trust true love.

It's something
you'll never have!

[Johnny choking]

[Frank groans]

Fuck him, Frank!
Fuck him!

Teach this little
faggot a lesson!

Rip him apart, baby!

Fuck him, Frank.

Get him.
Hurt him, baby.

Hurt him!
No more games.

Rip him with your cock!
Hurt him!

You're not laughing now,
are you, you little shit?

Come, baby, come!

Hurt him!

[electric buzzing]

* Music

Yeah, that's my man.
Oh yeah, I like that.

Come on, baby, come!

[Frank:]
[panting heavily]

Oh shit!
We killed him, baby.

We don't
wanna kill him.

[Betty:] He's fine.
[Frank:] No, he's not.

Get him up.

[Betty:] It's just the drugs.
He's passed out, Frank.

[Frank:] What the fuck?
[Betty:] Wait a second.

Just let him
catch his breath.

[Frank:] Fuck!
I'll get him up.

[Betty:] Fine.
Turn him on his side.

[Frank:] He's choking.
[Betty:] Frank, he's fine.

Stop being a fucking baby.
Just roll him on his side.

[Frank:]
Get him up!

[Betty:] Frank, you're
being dramatic. He's fine.

[smack]

[Betty:]
Frank!

* Music

Frank!

Are you okay?
Are you sure?

[Frank:] He's not
going anywhere.

* Music

[laughter]

[Michael:]
Oh fuck, hold on.

[Receptionist:]
Is that your buddy?

[Michael:] Yeah.
I'm just gonna ignore him.

I'm having a
good time for once.

Fill 'er up!

[Receptionist:] All right!
[Michael:] A little bit more.

Oh, I like you.

* Music

[Frank:] Nowhere
to run, Ass Clown.

Get back
in the hole.

Oh yeah, come on!

You wanna play?
All right, motherfucker.

[crossbow shot]

[Betty:]
Oh.

[cue falls to the floor]

[Frank:] What
the fuck, Betty?

You shot him?

[Betty:] What was
I supposed to do?

[Frank:] He's supposed to wake
up on the side of the road

with a sore ass and one
hell of a hangover.

Not with an arrow
through his chest!

[Betty:]
Hell, Frank!

That fuck got what
he's been asking for.

[Frank:] What the fuck are
we supposed to do now?

[Betty:] Uh, I don't know.
Get rid of him.

Take his body and
get the fuck rid of it.

[Frank:] And what
about his friends?

[Betty:]
Fuck!

[Frank:]
Yeah.

So what the fuck
are we gonna do now?

* Music

[Johnny gasps for air]

* Music

[Michael groans]

[phone rings]

[Michael:]
Son of a bitch!

Really?

I'm not getting
out of bed.

[Betty:]
Hello?

[Michael:]
Who is this?

[Betty:] I'm calling
from the Lion's Den.

I'm the bartender.

Were you one of the guys
that were over here tonight?

[Michael:]
Uh, yeah.

Where's Johnny?

[Betty:] Passed out on the
bar, and going nowhere fast.

And I have half a mind to call
the cops to come pick him up.

[Michael:] No, no, no, no.
Please, don't do that.

Um...

[Betty:] Well, hurry
up and get over here

or that's exactly what
I'm going to do.

[Michael:]
Of course.

[Betty:] And one
other thing sweetheart...

[Michael:]
Uh, yeah?

[Betty:] You had another friend
with you here tonight, right?

[Michael:] Uh, yeah.
He's here with me now.

[Betty:] Well, you both
better come over here

to pick up your friend.

See, I'm a little lady and
your friend right now

looks like he weighs
a ton of bricks,

you know what
I'm saying?

[Michael:]
Ugh. Right.

We're on our way. Just
please, don't call the police.

Thank you.

* Music

Wake up!

Get up!

[Ted:] No!
[Michael:] Get up!

Johnny got himself plastered
and we need to go pick him up.

[Ted:] Oh,
surprise, surprise.

[Michael:] And I'm
pretty fucked up myself,

so you're gonna
have to drive.

[Ted:] Oh god.
[Michael:] Come on!

You wanted that whole,
you know, that life thing.

[groans]

* Music

[Ted:] Are we at
the same place?

[Michael:]
This is weird.

[Ted:] It was scary enough
with all those townspeople.

[Michael sighs]

Wait, wait
where you going?

[Michael:] [sighs]
To collect the queen.

[Ted:]
Okay.

* Music

[Michael:] We're her to
get our friend over there.

[Ted:]
Oh my god.

[Betty:] Yeah,
your poor friend.

He didn't get like
that for free, you guys.

I'm sorry, but we have a
tab we have to settle up.

[Michael:]
Of course we do.

[laughter]

You see, our friend is not the
most responsible drinker.

What's the tab?

[Betty:]
$18.

[Michael:]
$18? [laughs]

Is that all it costs to get
plastered in this town?

Here you go.

[Betty:] Well, yeah,
but your friend started

this tab with
a credit card.

[Ted:] Johnny doesn't
own a credit card.

[Betty:] Oh, yes.
Says his name is Michael.

[Michael:]
That's my card.

[Betty:]
Oh, I'm sorry.

We have a $40 minimum on
credit card transactions,

and I already closed up
the drawer for the night.

[Michael:] Oh,
I'm gonna kill him.

[Betty:] Look, I don't see a
problem to serve you guys

a few drinks to make
up the difference.

[Ted:] No--
[Michael:] Oh, that'd be great.

Stop! I like
her idea better.

[Ted:] He's not
looking too good.

I really think we need
to get him to the motel.

[Michael:] That bitch
has never looked better.

[Betty:]
Anything you want.

[Michael:] We're gonna
have two shots of whiskey.

Straight.

[Betty:] You know boys,

I don't normally pry into my
customers personal lives,

I leave that sort of
thing up to Darla.

[Michael chuckles]

But, I have to say you
three are a little different.

[Michael:] [chuckles]
That's not exactly prying.

We stick out like a
[indistinct] thumb

in this town.

[Betty:] Nah.

But let me give
you some advice.

Getting drunk and starting
fights in a place like this

is not a bright idea
for out-of-towners.

Especially if
you're eccentric.

But Frank and I, we
believe in hospitality.

[Michael:]
[laughs]

Trust me, it's not
this town at all.

You see our friend
over there? [laughs]

He's got kicked out of
some of the gayest places

on the fucking
West Coast.

To ending the ride!

[Ted:] I'm driving.
[Michael:] Suit yourself.

What does that bring us to?

[Betty:] Only
$10 more to go.

[Michael:] Two more
shots of whiskey!

[Ted:] No, I think
we've had enough.

[Michael:]
Two more shots!

[Ted:] What the hell
are you trying to prove?

[Michael:] I'm just
trying to live a little.

You know,
while I'm alive.

[Betty:]
There you go.

[broom crashes
to the floor]

[Frank:]
Going somewhere?

[Ted:] Yeah, to put
my friend in the car.

[Frank:] No, no, no.
Fuck that.

Have a seat and
finish your drinks.

[Betty:] Yeah.
[smack]

[Ted:] Ow.
What the hell?

Excuse you?

God, I can't believe I'm
the responsible one now.

[Michael:] I don't
feel so well...

[crashes to the floor]

[Ted:]
Johnny, Johnny.

[Ted screams]

[glass breaking]

[Betty:] What
did you that for?

That's a freaking $60
bottle of scotch, Frank!

[Frank:] My scotch!
My 60!

* Music

[Michael coughing]

[Michael:]
Oh fuck.

Where am I?

[Betty:] Oh, you're in
the Lion's Den, baby.

[Michael:] What
did you do to me?

[Betty:] Oh, I gave you a
cocktail for special guests.

An adrenaline shot.

[Michael:] Are you
gonna kill me?

[Betty:] Oh, no, no, no.
We're gonna have fun first.

[Michael:]
[groans] No.

No!

No. No.
[groans]

[Betty:]
[indistinct] works wonders.

[Michael:]
No, no.

[screams]

* Music

[Ted gasps]

[whimpers]

* Music

[whimpers]

* Music

[whimpers]

* Music

[Frank groans]

* Music

[Michael screams]

[coughs]

[sobs]

[Betty:] Oh, just relax.
Let it take effect.

This is what I like to call a
frustrated wife's best friend.

It'll even cure
homosexuality.

Ha, temporarily,
at least.

I tried it on my Frank but
needles make him squeamish.

[sniffs]

Oh, you know, in spite of
all of tonight's disaster,

I'm feeling pretty good.

[Michael:] You're a
fucking crazy bitch!

[Betty:]
Oh no.

You don't understand,
you see.

My relationship with Frank,
it's made me numb for years.

[Michael:] What the
fuck are you doing?

[Betty laughs]

Oh God.

[Betty:] [laughs] But tonight
I'm feeling really alive,

like I woke up
from a dream.

[Michael:]
Oh, oh my God.

[Betty:]
Oh, that's my boy.

[laughs]

[Michael:] Oh my God,
this is so embarrassing.

[Betty:]
Oh, trust me,

this is nothing to be
embarrassed about.

[Michael:]
What are you doing?

[Betty:]
Shhh...

[Michael:] I wouldn't do
this if I were you. Wait...

Get off of me.

Get off of me!

[Betty:] Shut up!
[Michael:] Get off!

[Betty:] Shut up, or I will
put this fucking needle

in your fucking eye.

[sobs]

You fucking baby!
Quit your fucking crying!

Shut up and just relax.
I need this.

[sobbing]

[Betty:]
[moans] Oh God.

Oh, oh, oh.

I forgot what
this felt like.

Oh, come on,
you like it.

Yeah, oh.

Oh, fuck me, baby.

Oh.

[Michael moans]

Oh, your big cock
feels so good.

[Betty moans]

[both moaning]

Come on, make
mama happy.

I need this, baby.

[Betty moans]

[Michael:]
[moans] Oh God.

[both moaning]

[Betty:] You pretty gay boys
really know how to fuck.

[sobs]

* Music

[whimpers]

[breathing heavily]

* Music

[whimpers]

* Music

[Michael coughs]

[Betty:] What kind of
goodies did you bring me?

Oh, a key.

[laughter]

You out-of-towners.

Oh, isn't that cute?

Oh, what do
we have here?

Your other friend had
things in his pockets, too.

Look, more
party favors.

[laughter]

[Michael:] That's
my HIV medicine.

[Betty:] You have AIDS?
[Michael:] Yep.

It's the gift that keeps
on giving, you cunt.

[Betty:] You
fucking piece of shit.

How could you
let me do that?

Oh, fucking
piece of shit!

Fucking son
of a bitch.

How are you
fucking [indistinct],

you piece of shit.

[groans]

Fucking faggot!

[whimpers]

[Frank groans]

* Music

[Frank:]
Right there.

* Music

[whimpers]

[Betty shouting indistinctly
from the other room]

[Michael:]
Come on, come on...

[Betty:]
You son of a bitch!

Goddammit, you
piece of shit!

Goddamn faggot!
I'm gonna kill you!

* Music

Fuck!
Fuck!

[Michael panting]

* Music

[Betty shouting indistinctly
from the other room]

* Music

[Betty:] I'm gonna
fucking kill you!

You took, you
took my Frank!

I was happy until you
cunts started coming around.

I'm gonna fucking
kill you, you faggot.

* Music

[groans]

[whimpers]

* Music

[thud]

[Frank groans]

[Ted whimpers]

[Frank:]
Just fucking do it!

* Music

[groans]

* Music

[Betty:]
Run, faggot, run.

[crossbow shot]

[Michael screams]

* Music

[groans]

[screams]

* Music

[screams]

* Music

[screams]

[sobs]

* Music

[Betty:] Oh, come on,
you fucking faggot.

You're a dead
man already.

[Michael screams]

[Michael:] Neither
you or your husband

or HIV or anything
else is gonna kill me.

[Betty groans]

I may be a faggot
but I'm a fighter.

[whimpers]

* Music

[thud]

[Michael:]
Ow.

[Frank:]
Betty?

Betty!

* Music

You motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

[gunshot]

* Music

[gunshot]

* Music

* Music

[Ted v/o:] Killing a
man is something

you can never
take back.

My lawyer claimed
it was self defense

and I was just
protecting Michael.

The jury agreed.

But deep down
there's a part of me,

an inner rage that was
released that night.

I believe Michael had
vengeance in his heart too,

but we've never
talked about it.

Partly due to our
lawyers' advice

but mostly because if we were
ever to face each other again,

we'd see the guilt
in each other's eyes.

Not for killing two people,
but for abandoning Johnny.

And for that I'll
never forgive myself.

So I come here
every year,

not only to mourn the
passing of Johnny,

but the loss of
Michael's friendship,

and the death
of my innocence.

I vow to never forget
that life is fragile.

Every moment,
a precious gift.

And that it can all be
destroyed in an instant.

* Music