Original subtitles

MEXICO, TIJUANA

We arranged an interview.

You have sixty seconds.

I need more time…

Fifty seconds.

Our readers would like to know how you earned your first money.

I could account for every billion I made…

But for the first…

My eagle, my one-eyed hawk…

There…

Could we continue our interview at your villa?

We could talk about…

Juan Crivejos…

Do you know why I prefer animals to people?

Because they don't talk.

Sorry, bro.

And they don't want to arrange interviews…

at my villa.

My time's up, right?

No.

My time is up.

Hello, everyone! I'm mighty Goshik and this is my travel blog.

This year my friends and I decided to fly to Mexico.

We'll pick up hot girls, surf, ride the waves.

By the way, meet Phil, but we call him Flirt,

because he's a self-obsessed, egocentric narcissist.

And this is Seal. Yeah, right, he is Seal.

We will ride the wave while Seal creates it.

That's it!

-Come on, subscribe, like, tap the bell… -Hey, Mighty!

Mighty, come on.

Hello. Excuse me.

Sir, filming is prohibited here.

Thank you.

Purpose of your visit?

Well, I've surfed in Sri-Lanka and Spain, now it's time to conquer Mexican waves.

I would recommend you read our rules on sexual harassment.

Okay.

Do you have any illicit substances with you?

Plenty. Testosterone.

All right. Please proceed to the inspection room.

Welcome to Mexico.

Hi. Can I help you?

Saw a blonde girl and thought you might get some?

No, I just…

Everything is simple for men… I can do it!

If your girlfriend is lecturing you, don't be a bore and get into a fight.

Just shut her mouth with a hot kiss.

This was Mighty Goshik. Make love, not war!

Now that's what I call "all inclusive"!

Sorry, I'm leaving already.

I wouldn't mind if you decided to stay.

Sorry, I'm working.

She speaks Russian.

I speak Russian very well.

It's almost the official language during the peak season.

What's that smell?

What is it?

No idea.

It's the smell of a real man.

Dear girl, what's your name?

Elliza.

Elliza.

Will you make me some… borscht?

I'm not like that.

All right, Seal, leave the girl alone.

Please, don't mind him.

You just saved the girl from a night of love and passion.

Right, but a night's longer than three seconds.

Everybody knows that alcoholic beverages in minibars

are sold with a 300 to 400 percent mark-up.

If you don't want to get fleeced by the hotel,

forget this Pandora's box!

They host the annual windsurfing challenge.

And the prize is a hundred thousand dollars.

-How's that? -Holy crap!

What about a naked photoshoot?

It is illegal to shoot underage boys.

Wow… That was harsh.

You should have agreed.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

our sponsor, Juan Crivejos!

Thank you, thank you.

I used to work as a surgeon for a long time.

Surfing is similar to surgery.

The surfboard cuts the wave just like a scalpel cuts the skin.

One cut, and it takes time to heal.

Sometimes it never heals.

Well, my friend, did she turn you down?

-She was just flirting with me. -Ah, she totally was.

Flirt, the Turks are serving.

-They're Mexicans. -Does it matter? Come on, guys!

Look at him. A tiniest failure and he's drinking. You are too soft.

-I love my softness. -Let's drink to it.

-You are pathetic. -Let's drink to that too!

-Let's drink to Goshik! -To you, my friends.

According to our great tradition, after the competition,

señor Crivejos will host a big party at his villa.

And the competition winner will be invited to be the queen of the ball.

And I declare our competition open!

Not much of a prize, huh? To be Juan's personal escort for a day.

I saw you drive that guy off, well done.

Sorry, but I really have to go.

-Diana. -Rita.

It's fine! I guess we are not surfing tomorrow.

Wait!

-I'm Russian. -That's cool! Is this free?

-Yeah, free. -Cool!

This is very strong alcohol. Don't mix it.

It can blow your head off.

Then I'll take two to avoid mixing it.

A rooster!

What's up, cock!

What's up, cock!

Hey, guys! It's Mighty Goshik,

and we are having fun in Mexico with my squad.

One thing is very important in this life - don't piss.

Sir, can I see your papers?

Fuck the police!

-Here's to the Russian military! -The hell did you do?

Hi, everyone! Mighty Goshik here.

And tonight we are going to sacrifice this cock to the gods.

You wanna come back here, huh?

Yeah, I do.

Damn.

Are you crazy?

Why did you do that?

To be sure!

Right, let's do it.

Are you ready?

Let's do this!

Mexico!

This chicken soup is thick.

Where did it come from?

-What happened yesterday? -I'm not feeling well…

How much is it to get to the city?..

On the golden porch they sat:

a tsar and a tsarevich, a king and a prince,

Sorry…

A shoemaker and a tailor.

Which one are you?

Where's Guapo?

Who is Guapo?

The cock.

A cock?

He's a cock and you're a cock.

But I need him, not you. So where's Guapo?

Are you gonna ask all of us?

I don't know anything, no…

I haven't met these people before.

So… what you mean to say is…

you don't know… where my dear Guapo is.

Huh?

We're gonna make a chicken burger.

It's not me.

And you didn't kill him?

Of course, we didn't.

We didn't. I couldn't have done it.

I am, like, a pacifist.

You couldn't? What about this?

And tonight we are going to sacrifice this cock to the gods.

Well? What?

Well…

You are a bunch of morons.

Do you have the slightest idea what you've done?

It was a rooster of gold.

He laid golden eggs.

Listen, it's just a bird, we could buy you a new one…

You are just a bird!

Guapo was indispensable!

I'm getting tired so fast.

Gotta start taking some vitamins, huh?

So where was I? Ah, golden eggs.

Cut their balls off.

Chop them right off.

Turn these boys into girls.

Stop that! Don't do it! What's wrong with you? What girls?

I know a girl. Her breast is completely flat. She really needs an operation.

But what do I need it for?

Stop! Stop.

What are you doing?

I'm preparing for a sex-change operation.

No need for that.

-We won't cut anything off. -Thank you.

Just cut them open.

And take something.

Cut out the organs. And put them carefully into some containers,

into boxes.

Stop this, guys.

Violence is not a solution.

Listen, man…

Homie, please, don't do this, huh.

Are you for real?

Don't do it! Don't cut us!

You can have our balls!

Come on, man!

Man!

Guys, I have a plan.

Speaks Spanish.

Continues speaking Spanish.

Thank you, very good selfie.

Thank you.

Tasty.

Speaks Armenian.

Can you sail a yacht, bro?

Yeah, sure, I spent my whole life at sea.

What's the problem? It's like a car. You get in, start the engine and you're off.

Right, we gotta start it.

The key!

My dad used to keep his car key under the visor.

There's no visor!

I found it!

I told you to look under the visor.

Where are we going?

Well…

We can't get out of the country without passports, wearing just pants.

Holy crap! I have 25 new subscribers!

Have you seen it! I'm gonna post one hell of a picture!

Captain,

I guess we are screwed.

He's gonna see us. Hurry, get down into the cabin.

My balls…

Damn it, we're…

Don't panic!

May I ask where you, ladies, are going with those small feet?

Why do you care?

This is… my beach.

My water.

-Water? -Water.

Don't mind her.

She just broke up with her boyfriend.

Boyfriend? What the hell?

You have five seconds…

-One… two… -But we…

We want to take part in the competition.

Ah, right, the competition.

The windsurfing challenge.

Me too.

Sign them up. This might be interesting. Especially…

The blonde.

WANTED

We are totally screwed. Thank you.

We warned you that we can't drink on an empty stomach.

-It wasn't like I made you drink… -Girls, don't fight.

We have to take part in this female competition. They won't find us here.

A murderer is looking for us. We gotta get out of here as fast as we can.

Listen up. We can win a hundred thousand dollars in this challenge.

With this much money we could buy passports and an airplane. Do you get it?

No, I don't. A plane would cost millions of dollars.

Don't start splitting hairs.

Okay. Fine. Maybe you're right.

But how are you going to compete?

Well, I have surfed quite a bit.

Right, we were in an amateur competition. But this one is for pros.

-I have an advantage. -Let me guess.

I'm a man in a woman's clothes.

I'm not gonna shave my legs, guys.

-Guys, here's the plan… -Hi!

Girls, have you seen three guys here?

Fine, I'll go on looking then.

What a savage!

Margarita Nichayeva.

Margarita.

Dear me! Are you taking part too?

I thought it was once in a lifetime chance.

Right… I need this hundred thousand badly.

That too. Good luck.

Thank you.

Hello. I'm Diana Ugarova.

What are you waiting for? Stick it on!

Yeah.

Look at this.

Couldn't we just shave?

So, another qualification race is over.

And number seventeen wins.

For the next race I'm calling numbers 22 and 32.

Guys, let's see how these ladies cut the waves!

Go!

Number 32 is riding the wave.

Number 22 is up to something odd.

Amazing!

And I think we have a winner!

Next are number 15 and number 18.

Go!

Number 15 is taking the lead from the beginning.

But number 18 is not giving in.

She's following close behind.

The finish line is approaching, but nothing has changed!

This is an exceptionally rare situation! It's a draw!

She even managed a trick or two!

We have a tie!

The jury has made a decision!

Both athletes will make it to the next stage!

Let me remind you that our sponsor is señor Juan Crivejos!

Do you know why I like wine?

To make good wine,

the winemaker must wake up very early every morning.

He keeps an eye on his grapes.

Then he must…

hand-pick them.

I'm essentially paying money for time.

His time.

Time is the most valuable thing on Earth.

When you drink wine,

you buy the time

someone spent

to bring you pleasure.

You will receive your prize.

And a cup… which contains a flash-drive.

You will give the cup to the person

who meets you.

Where are they?

Ivan Fyodorovich.

They… escaped.

What's wrong with you, huh?

You don't value my time.

Be good.

Yeah.

Hey, guys! Welcome to our new section: Leo's advice.

If you don't want to freeze to death

in the woods in winter, sleep inside a horse.

Don't you get it? Your videos will get us busted.

Damn, why do you have to ruin all the fun?

I'm not posting anything. I'm just storing stuff.

Guys, I don't know about you, but I have to finish what I started with that maid.

Don't you get it, guys?

We are women now! You are a woman, and you are a woman.

And a woman can't hit on a woman!

Come on, the web is brimming with this stuff.

I said, no maids. No borscht, no shchi, no other kinds of soup.

No travel blogs, you got it?

Fine, I'll go watch TV.

Thank you, Goshik.

And I'll go for a walk.

-You have to dress like a woman. -Yeah, sure.

I like it when my private parts get some air. I'll go spend to the beach.

Reprimanding in Spanish.

Listen up, you eagle.

Spread your wings and fly back to your room before I break your beak.

-What an ass… -…hole!

Your Russian is very good.

Thank you.

Two years as an exchange student in Moscow paid off.

Are you serious?

We are practically compatriots.

You can count on me anytime, sister.

-Ok? -Okay.

Thank you.

Yeah, come on, come on, come on.

Get out of the bush, baby,

come on, get out.

Come on, come on, come on…

Come on. Like this.

Just like this…

Lure him. There's another tank up the hill, it'll damage him.

So you're on point… You're on point.

What is your ride?

The Swedish tank Strv.

A Swede… I prefer the Soviet military.

Then can you help me win over one Russian man?

The way to any man's heart is through borscht.

Borscht?

Of course.

I saw the way you fly.

You know why you can't catch the wind?

Why?

I think you are too tense.

-Let me show you something. -Go on.

Stand on it.

Hey!

I won't bite.

Okay.

Look.

When you are catching the wind,

try bending the rear leg,

and relaxing the front one.

Can you feel it?

In short, heed the wind, not your muscles.

Are you a psychologist or a coach?

I am your rival.

I knew you would say something stupid.

Sorry.

That one was too much.

Dear me!

Would you mind showing me a couple of tricks?

Just a second.

-What the hell? -What's the matter?

Who just said that we have to dress like women?

Let's be clear - are we picking up chicks,

or are we hiding from a murderer?

-Hi! -Hi!

Here, meet my long-time acquaintance.

I'll be damned!

Are you saying I am just an acquaintance to you?

After everything we've had?

Well, she is certainly cute.

I don't understand what she's saying.

Ah, so now you don't understand, huh?

We had it right here. Right on this beach.

The champagne, the candles, the fruit, the starry sky!

You took me!

Go on and hit me!

Come on, hit me!

Did he hurt you?

He's her ex. He broke up with her.

Let me see you back.

Let's go.

-My shoes! -There, now.

Asshole!

Let's go.

Now, sister.

To cook borscht we are gonna need…

We are gonna need beet root,

vegetables, meat and tomatoes.

Beet root?

Beet root, right. Red beet.

Beet root is a red, juicy and tasty vegetable.

Where's the meat?

Let's pretend this is beet root, and this is meat.

Fine. Put it here.

Now the tomatoes.

These?

Yeah, right.

These tomatoes will do. We have to chop them.

Like this?

Cut some more.

And some carrots.

Do I chop them add them like this?

Only whole carrots.

Now should I stir?

Right, stir.

And that's it?

Will you try it?

No, thank you…

Come on, have some.

It's heavenly.

No, seriously, it's very good.

You will make some man very happy with this borscht.

Is he from Russia?

Yeah.

Is he tough?

Pretty much so.

Plenty of flesh, right?

Well, he's buff.

Buff.

Like me?

No, he is muscular.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I just gotta go.

I'm… sorry.

Listen up!

No man in this world is worth a woman's tears.

Be stronger

and be ready to face the fact that any man can betray you

any time, got it?

You are so wise.

Sweetheart!

What happened?

Her boyfriend broke up with her.

Ah, again?

You know, she changes them all the time.

New day, new boyfriend.

She's such an airhead.

You are just a bi… So heartless.

You are wrong.

She just needs to talk to someone.

Does it hurt?

My soul… My soul hurts.

Whore!

Have a nice day.

Sir!

Hello, sir!

Sir, I need your help.

My name is Jojo.

What's yours?

It doesn't matter.

Fine, then Jojo will call you… Teddy-bear.

Teddy-bear, I really need your help.

Let's hibernate together.

One moment.

I don't think Don Juan will be pleased to know

you want to disappoint his old friend.

Just one glass, please?

Fine, one single glass.

I really need a drink.

I remember everything.

Kindergarten, school,

the army, criminal gangs…

The nineties were the golden age for Russia.

Some don't like those years, many people died then.

But I love the nineties.

because the guys used to keep their word.

-Every word. -They were good, right.

-Here, you see? -What's that?

What's that? It's a saber! Like that: bam!

-Cossack saber, huh? -I don't know who owned it.

People used to take these to the meetings.

That's nothing! The bullet hit right below the heart.

That's terrible, but the heart is on the other side.

Mine is here.

And this here.

-Huh? -What's that?

That's an exit wound.

-Remarkable. And what is this? -Ah, this…

I scratched a mosquito bite.

You scared me, silly.

Why? You work…

You're always busy, go there, bring that here…

And the boss doesn't respect you.

You do everything for him, and he doesn't respect you.

He is never content, and why? He's always…

You know, you could just quit.

Quit? Jojo, who will hire me? Quit…

Easier said than done.

I'll go.

Sit!

I mean, let's have some more.

Let's have one glass.

-Just one glass. -Okay!

-One glass per person. -Okay!

You know, I have a toast.

Let's drink… to the guys!

Okay?

Wow, you are a wholesome chick, Jojo. A real treasure.

Don't say anything. Come on, bottoms up.

Well, Jojo, you are a perfect woman.

You are incredible. Where are you from?

Let's dance? Vertically…

Visario, I can't, seriously. You know, girls and their special days…

Come here.

Don't call me Visario.

Look at me, I'm Vasya.

I'm Vaska Khitrov, from Taganrog.

The boss invented Visario.

He says that "Vasya" sounds too provincial.

Jojo, where were you before having kids?

Wait.

No, no.

Play something Russian.

Don't you "que" at me!

The next song is dedicated to my friend Jojo,

who opened the door to my soul today.

She went right in. And filled it.

Be a healthy girl.

I hope you will always be happy. So…

Come on. Blast it! Come on!

Azure color has spilled

Over our vests, over our caps…

I want… our life…

Please, dance with me.

You are such an amazing woman, Jojo!

If only you were seventeen years younger…

-Less than that. Much less. -We could have…

Now, listen up.

I live here.

Just in case.

What case?

Visario never calls first, got it?

I don't give in on the first date either.

Azure color has spilled…

Hush, hush…

Before going in for sports, I used to work at a casino.

-And I know what men are really like. -It's terrible.

Men tend to think that we are weak,

and that we constantly need help.

Do you know this one: "You won't survive without a man?"

But it's them who need help.

-To strong women. -You are so right, my dear.

You have to stop being so silly.

Let's go to sleep.

I don't think you should be left alone tonight.

Let's sleep together.

I think I might stay for fifteen minutes.

What will you do with the prize money

if you win the competition?

I'll spend them on my mother's treatment.

Can't your dad help?

Dad left us long ago.

You heart is beating so fast.

Yeah…

The weather is changing,

must be high blood pressure.

There…

I'm sorry, I gotta go.

-Why did you do that? -Because you are an egoistic narcissist.

Have you forgotten we are in hiding?

If you hadn't posted your videos, we wouldn't have had to hide?

Ah, another one. What's the news?

I danced with Visario.

With whom?

With the killer who hunts us. Who wants to kill us.

And you're angry with me!

Are you fucking kidding me?

You both are doing everything to get us killed as soon as possible.

Don't you get it, guys?

He was running down the hall. Right to our room.

-I saved your lives! -Yeah, you could have saved the effort!

because Goshik wasn't there.

He was flirting with some crazy feminist.

-Don't call her that. -No? Or else what?

Guys, listen! Do you realize what I had to go through?

He's an animal.

Oh, my poor dear, please tell us what he's like.

You must be so unhappy.

You know.

Go to hell, both of you.

And I don't care what you wear on the way.

I need a couple more days, I almost found them.

This bastard over here…

He came to me and told me…

that you were at the restaurant yesterday evening.

With some woman…

I know you.

You'd never do such thing at work.

I wanted to kill him on the spot,

but then I thought - why me?

You do it.

I see

you're having trouble finding words to express your gratitude.

Don't shoot him in the head.

Mexican décor and stuff.

You are dead.

How do you say it?

Corre.

Comprende?

-Hi! -Hi!

So? Did you manage to pick someone up?

-Someone you'd like? -Not yet.

What about that guy on the beach yesterday?

You know, at first I liked him.

He was so polite, he was his true self.

But he turned out to be a womanizer.

I think

you'll meet him again.

Sometimes we are not what we seem.

I think I'm the problem.

So, what's wrong with me?

You are an incredible girl.

Don't ever doubt yourself.

Sorry.

What for?

I hope that one day I will be able to explain it to you.

Check, please.

Just a moment.

It's time for another race.

But only one participant showed up.

If any of the athletes are absent, they are considered losers by default.

Following close behind, we are watching the next race

between numbers 17 and 32.

Number 32 is closing the distance. She has gained speed really fast.

And she falls!

Number 32 is in the water!

Number 32 has been under water for too long!

What happened to her?

I can't see from here!

Number 17 was also unable to stay on the board and fell.

Unfortunately, both athletes are forced to give up our challenge.

You!

-I lost because of you! -You…

You know how badly I needed that money.

You…

-I am sorry. -Damn you!

I got you.

Hey, champ, get up!

They caught Goshik.

I think Rita put something in my juice.

Are you high?

Hey, they got Goshik!

How do you know?

I've got his phone. I've had it all day.

He never goes anywhere without it.

So, what do we do?

Eat a lemon! Wake up! I'm saying, they got Goshik. What do we do?

Well… We've got to use your relationship.

Relationship?

Sexual relationship.

Go to Visario.

He knows where Goshik is.

-No… no. Are you crazy? -Listen!

He might get killed.

I might get screwed.

I know.

Fine…

Sexy?

So, where are your friends?

Huh?

Do you even know who I am?

I'm not telling you anything!

My lips are sealed. Got it?

-Hey, listen… -I endured epilation!

What do you want?

Hello, Teddy-bear.

I remembered our evening and…

I got so thirsty as I drove here.

-Let's have a drink. -Hey! Wait.

I wasn't expecting you. What are you doing here?

So strange…

-Yesterday you were more compliant. -Yesterday I was drunk.

I was drunk and I don't remember anything.

And listen, our conversation…

Yeah, right. Drunk.

Do you find me unattractive?

Unattractive?

Have you seen yourself in the mirror? Unattractive!

You are ugly, you look like a man.

Get out of here.

Now!

-Well, it's the 21st century now… -21st century what? Get out!

21st century!

You've no idea how flattered I am now.

So, where were we?

Listen up. I am going to cut off one of your ears

and you will tell me where one of your friends is.

Then I'm cutting off your other ear

and you will tell me where your other friend is.

And if you behave, I'll let you take your ears with you.

I'm gonna kill them!

Hi!

What do you want?

My name is Elliza.

So?

I work as a maid at Juan's villa.

You visit frequently,

so I thought we could… be friends.

What is this?

This is borscht.

What?

Borscht.

Borscht?

Borscht.

Borscht?

It's really borscht.

Okay!

Thank you.

Now go, OK?

Hi. May I come in?

I have no time.

Listen…

I have to tell you something.

-I really have no time. -Fine, I won't bother you.

And this is for adding something to my juice.

Wait!

Put your hands together, because the super finale is starting right now!

The two contenders for the cup are number 43, Peggy Williams from Australia,

and number 15, Margarita Nichaeva from Russia.

Number 43 is trying to catch the wind, number 15 is following close behind.

Margarita is closing the distance very fast.

She is trying to overhaul the Australian via the outer curve.

The Australian doesn't budge. She doesn't let her pass.

My friends! Please cheer our winner from Australia!

So who won?

That Australian.

Wait, you were supposed to be there.

Who was there instead?

You have no idea what you did.

You have no idea how much I needed to win.

I could have saved my friends and myself.

What's going on?

It's a long story.

In short,

someone is trying to hunt us down and kill us.

That's why we had to dress like women.

But that time on the beach I was my true self.

I…

The girl who interrupted us was my… well.

-My loser of a friend. -Man.

Sorry.

You are a bunch of idiots.

You have three seconds.

The medallion?

Here's the thing.

It's just a syringe, and it contains nothing but normal saline.

And some air in the end.

As soon as the air gets into your veins,

nothing can save you from death.

You will be killed by the air, by nothing, by emptiness.

So do breathe carefully, remember the smell of the air,

otherwise it will kill you sooner or later. Got me?

Kite six-six-six,

Leshka Smoler zero-one,

Nagiyev Universal,

shoe shop

and my other one hundred and thirty-three subscribers!

My dearest friends,

have a good time,

watch my old videos again and remember that it's…

To hell with that! It's Gosha Vetrov.

Bye!

Guys, I've come to realize just now that you were good friends.

You too, dude.

If you are my friend, kill me.

What?

Come on. Just take the knife,

drive it through my heart and it's over.

Man, I hate to break it to you, but we only have a butter knife,

and it's short and dull.

It won't reach your heart.

Use your imagination.

I'd rather have a real friend kill me than those thugs.

Fine, I'll die first.

I know a way to save you,

but I need help.

Messieurs special agents.

SPECIAL OPERATIONS AGENCY

Secret blueprints for the Axle Jack ballistic missile were stolen.

We suspect the theft was organized by a certain Juan Crivejos.

Also known as Vanka the Doctor.

We know that he is going to sell the blueprints to one of the superstates.

This is why one of our agents needs to infiltrate the villa

and make sure the blueprints are there.

We always see Juan surrounded by women,

so the best decision would probably be to send a female agent.

Juan is obsessed with cockfighting.

If we steal his champion and then return it,

that could be the perfect way to get on his good side.

The key point is to gain access to his villa.

And the competition winner will be invited to be the queen of the ball.

You have to win.

I order you to neutralize your competitors.

You have no idea what you did.

You failed your mission.

Return home.

Now you know who I am and who my employer is.

If we make it to the villa

and find the safe containing the classified blueprints,

the villa will be taken by assault. We'll get Juan.

And we'll help you get back home.

Awesome, we have two options, one worse than the other.

We either stay here to be killed,

or we go to Juan's villa where we'll be killed too.

You know, guys.

I think we've spent enough time being women,

now it's time to be real men.

Spot on.

Let's go, musketeers!

-Athos. -Aramis.

Constance, then.

But there's one problem.

I have no idea how to get there.

Hi.

What's up?

Are you feeling sick, girl?

Yeah, I'm sick.

But not a girl.

Sorry, I heard you talk to Visario,

and I know you work as a maid for Juan.

We need your help. I'll explain later, let's go!

This is Juan's villa.

This is parking, the security house and his personal brothel.

The illegal casino is on the first floor, the office is on the second.

The door is red.

The safe is in the office.

Illegal casino.

Does anyone play poker?

I admit, it's rather dangerous,

but I think I know how to get the money you need.

Juan is a keen gambler, and he's a sore loser.

And if we manage to outplay him, he'll spend his whole night at the table.

Hold up, how do we get in without an invitation?

Wait…

They have male names on them…

Fine, we got the girls sorted.

But how do we get in?

Good evening!

We're looking for a job here.

Sugarpie, it's not a taxi in Moscow.

I don't hire everyone.

Listen, this job has been our joint dream since the ninth grade.

Yeah, we moved to Moscow for this.

What can you do?

Me? Well…

-Borscht. -Borscht.

If you know what I mean.

Boob job?

Cake job.

What about your lips?

I'm a former athlete, I have strong legs.

I'm sure no one will be running out without paying.

Thank you.

And speaking of me, I…

That will do.

Tomorrow is your first day.

Well, gentlemen, would you mind keeping us company?

Do we have a choice?

Just so you know, we are former athletes.

Especially one of us.

All of the security is around Juan,

and while you are playing, we can look for the blueprints.

What's that smell?

The smell of a man?

No, there's definitely no smell of a man.

Off you go.

It's strange…

Twenty-one.

What about another round?

-What color is the door? -Blue.

Something cracked!

-Why do I even go to gym? -What are you doing?

Trying to open the door to the blueprints.

It's not Juan's office.

What do you mean? You just said the door is blue!

He came up here and asked me what color the door is. And I said "blue"…

What's the color of the door to Juan's office?

Red.

-Ram this door, Phil, come on! -Once more.

-You do it, you are heavier. -I can't, I have sensitive skin.

-Okay! -Wait.

Oh! Ouch!

Let's use a life hack.

Done.

-No way! -The pin is stuck.

Gentlemen, I raise.

I call.

I fold. I have to powder…

My hands.

We need to take a break.

Break the door?

No, I mean a snack break. I'm exhausted.

Guys, what about this?

Are you gonna dig through marble? Are you crazy?

What the hell, you idiots?

The door is armored, I just…

Right, after we did all the work.

Ladies first.

Funny.

You do realize he is insane.

Look in the least obvious place.

We need the code.

I know, try the maiden name of Juan's mother.

Why?

Yeah.

Where's my Guapo?

Try Guapo.

So, where are the blueprints?

I don't know, they could have fallen…

Guys.

We gotta go! Use the back door, I'll go find the girls.

What? Come on! Let's go.

We have to go right now.

Fine, it's the last round.

So, gentlemen,

what do you say…

if we finish this game somewhere else.

Hello, Jojo.

God!

How pathetic!

I feel sorry for you. You look like clowns.

Did you really think I'd fall for it?

Did you think I'd believe you are a blonde girl?

With those feet and facial hair.

Wake up!

Hello, piglet. Welcome to the plate.

I solemnly swear

that you, fat ass, will be the last to die.

In your own fat.

Please forgive me.

I don't get enough sleep with this chasing business.

-How do you keep going? -Where is… the cock?

They cooked the cock!

Juan, where are the blueprints?

The blueprints are stored on a flash drive,

the flash drive is inside a locket,

the locket is on the cock

that you cooked!

Listen, I still don't understand, to be frank.

Even if you had a plan, it is weird to say the least.

It's even worse than ours!

Now I understand why he got so angry about the cock!

We sneaked into your villa,

we opened your safe.

So, kill us, but let the girls go.

You're a girl too, right?

Well… yeah…

A girl.

All right.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom.

-What? -Boom!

That's right.

Boom.

Boom.

Elliza, this is exactly what I thought our first date would look like.

Except for the murders, of course.

It's very sweet, but the timing is wrong.

Cut out their livers

and put the organs into containers.

I will save us.

I guess I won't.

Forgive me.

Azure color has spilled

It spilled over our vests

Over our caps

I want our lives

He won't do it.

He won't!

He did it! He did it!

So, what are we going to do now?

We only need to find the flash drive.

So, where is it?

No… no, what the hell?

It won't work.

After the chicken soup, I haven't yet been to the…

You have to.

The Motherland will be forever grateful.

Well, as long as the Motherland is involved…

Listen, you could ask me out and pay for the dinner, if you'd like.

You're an idiot!

You were so vocal about equality… I don't mind.

Not as bad as this.

Okay, fine, I can pay for the dinner,

but you have to ask me out.

First I have to subscribe to your Instagram.

Ah, I see.

Relax! Let's create a joint account.

Okay!

So…

Can I hope to get more practice with you?

Yes, you can.

But it won't necessarily happen.

Keep it for now.

I washed it.

You know, I don't want to lose a friend who taught me to cook borscht.

Wait, how are we gonna get back home?

We don't have passports.

I know a way.

Excuse me, sir, five vodkas, please.

-We don't have vodka. -Boy.

Don't you get it? Get us some vodka.

We are going home.

Yes, sure.

This blonde chick…

It's your fault!

On the count of three. One…

I haven't done anything, why are you screaming?

-I'm a pro, I haven't taken a sip. -A little more?

I moved my Adam's apple and didn't swallow.

It's not a movie about a wedding.

-Technical stop. -Let's do it again…

No, no. Please, tell me I didn't!

I'm gonna ace this scene.

What a bitch!