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♪ ♪
[military music]

[footsteps]

[room chatter]

Gentlemen. Major Rav.

First contact has been made and
it isn't pretty.

Now we've got a sweet young
couple locked up down the hall.

Totally normal except they're playing
host to a couple mean sonsabitches.

Now, that is a photo of the
creature in it's natural state.

It's blurry but you can make out
the general shape of it.

I can make out that it's ugly,
that's for damn sure.

This the best your boys could
come up with?

My boys captured them alive while yours
were out shooting civilians, Sir.

Now that we have them under observation,
there'll be a complete biological

and intellectual profile within
the next twenty four hours.

This is not a scientific
project here Mallory.

This thing has killed
ten people already.

Now you should be concentrating
on one thing...

what makes them die?

What about lack of oxygen
to the brain?

Speaking of which I'd like to
introduce my two associates,

Lieutenant LeBeau
and Lieutenant Vint.

Fine men I'm proud to be
associated with both of 'em.

Lt. Vint do you have
anything to add?

[Lt. Vint] No, it's all
in my report.

We followed a trail of possible sightings
to the Haight Ashbury District.

While identifying abnormal behavior is,
particularly difficult in this area,

we ID'd the perps when a uniform witnessed
them overtaking the couple in Golden Gate Park.

Backup was called in and we took
them out with tasers.

I got one of 'em.

Thank you Lieutenant.

Alright. Once the
medical teams arrive,

we'll dope 'em up, give 'em what ever medical
tests they need and hand 'em over to the military.

Now very important, we have
three levels of security...

Now yawl can have as many levels
of security as you want.

But you better hold on
to those two.

Now they should be in military quarantine
not some jerry rig chicken coup.

As of Sunday they will be.

That comes from the President.

[footsteps]

♪ ♪
[ominous music]

What's the matter?

Gotta piss big time.

Make it quick.

All the posts are on alert
until Colonel's gone

♪ ♪
[ominous music]

[heartbeat]

[breathing]

Sometimes a good piss is better
than gettin laid.

It sounded enjoyable.

Are you hungry?

Yeah!

Have that babe with the nice cones whip me
up a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

I'll be right back.

Yeah and hurry up.

These two wackos give
me the creeps.

[footsteps]

What do you want pretty boy?

Peanut butter
and banana sandwich.

Forget about it,
I just punched out.

Please?

I am very hungry.

Fuck off!

[heart beat]

[slithering sound]

[sloshing sound]

Goodnight Connie.

Fuck off!

♪ ♪
[dramatic music]

[car alarm chirps]

[security guard] Dammit!
Connie, slow down!

[alarm plays army jingle]

[alarm] Good morning.

♪ ♪
[Jane Wiedlin "Hey Girl"]

♪ Hey girl crashing through
life, you're a runaway car ♪

♪ Hey girl blinding the boys,
you're a shinning star ♪

♪ Hey girl turn up the heat,
a little bit higher ♪

♪ Hey girl burn up the night,
you're a house on fire ♪

♪ I'm still the same ♪

♪ Been seeming strange ♪

♪ So all alone ♪

♪ No one to call your own ♪

♪ Hey girl ♪

♪ Hey girl painting the sky,
you're a red tail hawk ♪

♪ Hey girl you always flew,
why rather walk ♪

♪ I'm still the same ♪

♪ Been screaming strange ♪

♪ So all alone ♪

♪ No one to call your own ♪

♪ I'm still the same ♪

♪ Been seeming strange ♪

♪ So all alone, no one to call your own ♪

♪ Hey girl I'm still the same ♪

♪ Hey girl, been screaming strange ♪

♪ Hey girl so all alone, ♪

♪ no one to call your own ♪

♪ Hey girl ♪

♪ ♪
[upbeat music]

[store chatter]

[customer] What do you think
of this one?

Looks great.

[sighs] Uh, awe, maybe it's a little
too tight. What do you think?

Long as you're comfortable.

Excuse me? I didn't ask if
I was comfortable.

I asked how it looked.

You know what? It looks like your
daughter should be wearing it.

[shoppers gasp]

Can you say rude,
beyond recognition?

Definitely due for
an attitude check.

[Employee] Amanda, your numbers
are never going to go up

if you keep blowing off
the big spenders.

Aren't you already on probation?

[Amanda] Ugh, who cares? I'm only gonna
work here for a few more weeks anyways.

You're not gonna work throughout
the fall quarter?

What? Do you want to live with
your parents the rest of your life?

Well, I mean they barely
even live there.

[Shonda] Alright
girls, weekend update?

Okay! Tonight taking Dave to BB's party.
Rave with Jason tomorrow night.

Is Jason the one you're doing?

No, that's Dave. Jason's cut off due
to his being a flagrant asshole.

- You?
- BB's party tonight with Sam and
poetry slam with Tony tomorrow.

Ahhh! [giggles]

[Shonda] And the shy
and retiring Amanda?

Are you going to BB's party too?

- Shonda?
- [Shonda] Oh. Sorry.

[Amanda] Hey don't feel sorry for me.
I wouldn't be caught dead at BB's bullshit party.

Besides, Charlie said he was
gonna call me tonight,

we'll probably just go see
a movie or something.

Charlie?

- I thought you dumped him?
- Again?

Well, we kinda
got back together.

[Employee] Ugh, geez Amanda,
the guy's a swinging dick.

He treats you like shit.

Honey, if you're that desperate why
don't I set you up with somebody...

It's not your problem alright,
so just back off.

[mom over answering machine]
Hi sweetie, your dad and I will
be in Napa for the weekend.

Hope to see you one
of these days.

Try to be in by 2:00 and
no parties at the house.

Kiss, kiss!

[phone rings]

Yeah?

Hey, hey now baby doll.
What's the haps?

Hi!

What time are you gonna come
pick me up tonight?

Ah, no can do babe. My cousins
in town from Alabama and uh,

she wants me to take her to
Tahoe for the weekend.

We're leaving tonight.

And that cousin wouldn't be the same hillbilly
tramp that you spent my birthday with would it?

Hey now, come on. She's family,
how could I say no huh?

Easy, you say fuck off
you little tramp.

Hey hey hey, come on,
chill out alright.

I'll be home Sunday night and uh, if I get
home early enough maybe we can get together.

No thanks babe, I'm not in
to sloppy seconds.

[car engine starts up]

[T.V. program]
Whatever creature engulfed
those people is still in that lake.

And it's gonna take more then
dynamite to get it out.

[woman on T.V. screams]

[monster sounds]

- [remote clicks]
- [reporter on T.V.]
Spearheading the search for the missing alien

is Colonel Evan Rosencrans of
the United States Air Force.

Who says that catching the creature
dead or alive is his highest priority.

For all we know, this might
only be the beginning.

To be able to
defeat this menace,

we must get a specimen into the hands
of our weapons design specialists.

They will take
the creature apart,

little by little,

bit by bit,

until we understand every teeny
little bit of the anatomy.

Then we will be able to find
a weakness in which...

[T.V. zaps off]

♪ ♪
[Over The Rhine "Happy With Myself"]

♪ I'm happy with myself ♪

♪ I'm happy with myself ♪

♪ And I don't have what it
takes to please you ♪

♪ I've been trying to
write you a letter ♪

♪ I've been trying for two
or three years ♪

♪ Maybe I could just
say it better ♪

♪ Practice some in front of
a mirror here oh ♪

♪ I'm happy with myself ♪

♪ I'm happy with myself ♪

♪ And I don't have what it takes ♪

- [man on street] Hi Amanda.
- [Amanda] Hi.

[upright bass playing]

[Amanda] Hey, JoJo.

The night howls.

[indistinguishable]

Like you and I lost
in some deep...

interpersonal, interstellar
imitation of intimacy...

Thanks!

[coffee machine buzzes]

What does this song say to you?

Touch me and you'll pull
back a stump.

♪ ♪
[alien space music]

♪ ♪
[upright bass plays in background]

[sizzling sound]

What does this song say to you?

Touch me and you'll pull
back a stump.

Anyone sitting here?

What does it look like?

So, do you come here often?

Sure.

Everyday.

I've never seen you here before.

Isn't that hot?

Yes.

Ow!

You're doing it all wrong.

What?

The human thing,
you've got it all wrong.

Fuck off!

See, that's better but you're
still in real trouble.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Hey look, I'm just
trying to help okay?

I mean I feel sorry for you.
I think you got a raw deal.

Do you even know what
that means, raw deal?

Of course.

You know, I could teach you a few things
about passing for human, if I wanted to.

I think you have me confused
for someone else.

Suit yourself oh thing from
beyond the stars.

Let 'em lock you up again.

Yeah, let 'em stick
electrodes up your ass.

Can't say that I didn't
try to help you.

[clock ticking]

[bang]

[woosh]

[whirring sound]

[Alien girl] Hello.

Hi.

How could you tell?

Easy.

Too many clothes for September.

We have indian
summer around here.

And your hair and makeup, they're a
total disaster, even for this place.

And the sounds coming from that guy over there,
it's the latest thing, it's called music.

Do you want me to go on.

That's impossible.

- I probe this human's data banks extensively, I...
- You probed dick okay.

I mean it looks as though you've
heard a description of a human being

but you've never
actually seen one.

I could destroy you.

Oh please, go right ahead.

Engulf me right here in the middle of Cafe
Retro and walk away as the new Amanda.

Come on, what good is
that gonna do you?

And you know, the next person that notices you,
they probably won't be as understanding as me.

So, basically there's really no point in
destroying me unless you're a total idiot.

And you're not a
total idiot, are you?

Do you know that half of
California is out looking for you?

Look at this.

This is not good.

They are out there with stun
guns and flame throwers

and tactical nuclear
weapons looking for you.

And you, you're going around leaving
flesh marks on coffee cups.

Come on where are you going?

I must get to the
rendezvous point.

Yeah well you're not even gonna
get outta town looking like that.

So where is this rendezvous?

Why should I tell you?
You think I'm stupid?

Like I care?

You know if I was gonna turn you
in I woulda already done it.

Okay, but if you're trying to
trick me, I will consume you.

Beautiful. My car's
just right outside.

Some people are so hard to help.

[deep boom]

[Mallory] Mm hmm.

Is that ham and cheese?

What the fuck is it to you?

Well, all the staff is accounted
for except for these two.

There's Clark the guard
and Flores the cook.

[Mallory] So he used the
guard to get to the cook?

- [Vint] Mm hmm.
- What's her twenty?

Unknown. She never went home.

She drives a gold, 1978 Trans Am.
I mean it's fuckin hard to miss.

A friend of hers says he spotted
it in the mission.

- Is he reliable?
- No.

Doesn't matter.

Call the plates on what ever station
you can find within a hundred miles.

If we don't find her by morning,
she could be anywhere or anyone.

[car keys jingle]

Well, this is the place.

[cat hisses]

[Amanda] Hey take it easy.

She's just a cat. a normal
everyday, household, pet okay?

She's completely harmless, she's just
a little suspicious of strangers.

[cat meows]

[Amanda] Don't you guys have
anything like cats on your planet?

We had small animals once.

They were unnecessary.

[Amanda] Well, excuse me.

[whirring sound]

[Amanda] Where is your
stupid planet anyways?

Is this a typical earthian home?

[Amanda] Yeah for
around here, I guess.

See this is like a neighborhood
where families live.

But if you go over the
hill, that's downtown

and then more people live
there closer together.

I'll take you there if you want.

Phew. You need a shower.

You mean rain?

[Amanda] No, I mean like
body cleaning activities.

See, we earthlings we like to wash a lot.
It's really considered bad form to stink.

Come on I'll show you.

Well, come on.

Look, if you don't want to get caught
you're gonna have to do what I say.

So, whose body is this anyways?

She worked in the kitchen.

Well do you know her name?

Flores, Connie.

Oh, it's probably the other way
around, Connie Flores.

So, I'll just call you Connie unless
you wanna tell me your real name?

Connie will do.

[Amanda] Get in.

And must pull the knob right
there to turn it on.

[Connie squeals]

It's okay, it's supposed
to feel like that.

Now, Connie listen up okay?

You gotta get your body all wet and then
just soap it up all over and then rinse off.

And then you're gonna get out and dry
yourself off and put clean clothes on.

Well go ahead, get started.

I, I don't understand.

Well it's not rocket science.
Just pick up the soap. Do you see the soap?

Show me.

Oh, I don't think so.

Why not?

Well because I mean it's weird for me to
get into the shower with another girl.

I don't understand?

♪ ♪
[bubbly music]

[shower door opens]

[shower door slams]

Okay, now the first thing we're gonna
have to do is get you a new body.

Now lift up your arm and
wash under there.

[Connie] No problem

Oh no, it is a problem because
killing humans is bad.

Well most humans but that's what
got you into trouble.

Okay, now take the soap
and lather up all over.

Like this? Yeah.

Now, wash down there.

Here?

No, down there
between your legs.

[Connie] Why?

Because it will keep you feeling
fresh and free all day.

Now you finish up and I'm gonna
go get you some clothes.

You can get out now.

I want to feel fresh and free.

Well you can take another shower later
but it's time to put your clothes on now.

Well see, I washed it and I tried
to dry it in the microwave.

So I think it shrunk
a little bit.

Is this necessary?

With tits like yours,
are you kidding me?

You should be happy. Compared to you, I
have the body of a twelve year old boy.

Forget it it's not gonna work.

[Amanda] Here put this on.

Want one?

I don't eat that.

What kind of things do you eat?

We never eat dead things.

Only things with life.

Anything with life?

Human life is perfect.

We can consume animal life but
it's far less satisfying.

And when exactly are you gonna
be hungry again?

[Connie] Maybe
tonight, maybe tomorrow.

The hunger comes very
suddenly when it comes.

Okay, well there's not much around
here that you can eat that's living

but I guess I'll try to
come up with something.

- The small fury animal?
- [Amanda] No!

No no no no no! My cat is not
available for dinner, okay?

So just get that thought right
outta your head.

Or me.

Look, I am the only person you can trust so It
would absolutely be stupid of you to eat me okay?

Do you understand?

Like I said, I'm not hungry yet.

Okay, well you just let me know when those
pains kick in and I'll try to find you something.

[Amanda] Why did your people
come here anyway?

It was our mission.

[Amanda] Yeah yeah yeah, I mean
but what are you after?

I mean, you know, you guys like
tryna take over our planet?

Or like try to seal some
scientific secrets or something?

Or is it that you guys are trying to
keep us from going in to outer space?

Come on, you can tell me. I'm not
like some government spy or anything.

[Connie moans]

Hey, are you alright?

Yes!

But I'd like to
take another shower.

What are these?

Those are spices and why do they
make you wanna take another shower?

Mmm, this one is
very interesting.

[Amanda] Paprika.

Yeah that'll make you fly.

[Connie moans]

Hey, look, take it easy alright.

I don't know if your metabolism
can handle this stuff.

- I wan't some more.
- No! I don't want you to O.D.

- More!
- Look! Knock it off.

Ya know, touching yourself in public
is not proper human behavior.

Now, maybe you can have some
paprika later okay? Come on.

Oh now, you're shaking. Come on.

Okay just sit down and try to
relax for a while okay?

More please?

I appreciate your
politeness, that's good.

But seriously, we've got some
important things to discuss here.

Go ahead.

[Amanda] Okay, well first of all we're
gonna have to find you a new body.

I mean obviously the police out
searching for that girl you absorbed.

Besides, girls get hassled way
more than guys.

Hassled?

Yeah, it's so much
easier being a guy.

I mean the just go around, keep
to themselves, act all tough

and everybody basically
leaves them alone.

[Connie] I understand.

Let's find a new body, I'm
starting to get hungry now.

Okay, we can go clubbing?

Oh, there's plenty of guys out
looking for a good time.

We'll find you a
real stud muffin.

Yes! A stud muffin.

Okay, so that takes care of your body
problem and your hunger problem.

Then we can just have
some fun right?

Right!

Now I'd like some
more paprika please.

Later. I mean I don't know, if you eat too much
of this stuff you might go nuts or something.

Do you understand?

There's much to understand.

Yeah, well you're on
a strange planet.

I mean what did you think
it was just gonna be like...
[phone rings]

What was that?

That's a communications device. God,
don't be so jumpy. You're safe here.

But I'll be right back.

Yeah?

Hey baby, hows the
weekend so far?

Oh just raging,
thanks to you Chucky.

Come on, don't call me that.

Listen, doll, I uh, left a box
of CD's to your place

and I thought I could get 'em
in about thirty?

Oh and could I get
you anything else?

Ah! That all depends, what'd you
have in mind?

You know Charlie, it just so happens that
I'm going away for the weekend myself.

But I have a friend who's cat sitting for me
and I'll just leave the CD's with her, okay?

Her name's Connie.

Is she a babe?

[Amanda over phone]
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

You know one day that one track mind of
yours is really gonna get you into trouble.

Yeah right. Hey, come here.

I've arranged for the
delivery of your next body.

That's good, I'm very hungry.

Well he's a large, healthy,
adolescent male. He's perfect.

So how long is this
engulfing thing gonna take?

Oh it's very fast.

Does it hurt?

We cut off the nervous system
to avoid any unpleasantness.

- Then we take over the brain...
- Thanks, Connie I'm sure it's a beautiful thing.

Frankly, it makes me sick.

He's gonna come over to pick up
these music storage devices okay?

So when the doorbell rings, just
open it and introduce yourself.

I mean you're on your own from there.
Do you think you can handle it?

Yes. Okay.

Here.

Okay, fix your top. Ya know,
make your boobs stick out more.

Yeah, that'll
totally distract him.

Now he might try to make a pass at you okay,
which could make things easier. I don't know.

Oh, one more thing...

what happens to this body after
you engulf him?

Oh it won't be here anymore.

How convenient.

You are a real nightmare.
You know that?

A walking horror show.

Here, have some paprika before I go.
You know to get your juices flowing.

Now I'll be back in
half an hour.

Where you going?

Honey, I puke when I give blood.
This isn't something I wanna watch.

♪ ♪
[Dada "Posters"]

Hi!

[doorbell rings]

Hello, uh, you would be Connie.

[Connie] Come in.

I've been expecting you.

♪ She was seventeen goin' on fifty ♪

Here are the music storage
devices you were looking for.

What's the hurry? Come on we got
the rest of our lives ahead of us.

No, we only have half an hour.

Well, a lot can happen in
a half an hour.

How much did Amanda
tell you about me?

She told me that you were
a healthy, adolescent male.

And are you uh, disappointed?

[Connie] Not at all.

You're exactly what I need.

Hmm...

Um, does this feel good to you?

Touch me down here.

♪ I'll show you I'm a lover ♪

♪ She locked the door behind me,
she lit a candle ♪

♪ Then blew it out, said,
the moon would do just fine ♪

♪ The Lizard King and
T. Rex for wallpaper ♪

♪ Above her bed hung
a no parking sign ♪

♪ She asked me if I liked her decorator ♪

♪ As she stripped behind
a wall of raining beads ♪

♪ I woke up with a pillow and her diary ♪

♪ She took a bath as I began to read ♪

♪ And she said, Let's go to my
room, I'll show you my posters ♪

♪ Let's go to my room, baby,
I'll show you I'm a lover ♪

[moaning]

♪ Let's go to my room, I'll show
you my posters ♪

♪ Let's go to my room, baby,
I'll show you I'm a lover ♪

Do it some more.

Oh, baby you're incredible but
that's gonna have to do.

But I'm not finished yet.

[laughs] Well, I am.

[heart beat]

[slithering sound]

Sorry JoJo but I gotta go.

♪ ♪
[dramatic music]

Connie?

Charlie?

Charlie's not here.

Here are your clothes.

Thanks.

So how'd it go?

It was easy, I didn't like him.

Was it quick at least?

Uh, which part? The engulfing or
the other part?

Did he fuck you?

Yes! But not very well.

What like three minutes of action
and then snoring like a moose?

Two minutes and
twenty two seconds.

Yup, that's Charlie.

Ya know, not a woman on this
planet is gonna miss him.

[Charlie] It feels good not to
be hungry anymore.

You can't imagine how hard it was
to resist engulfing you, Amanda.

For the past hour I've thought
about nothing but eating.

Well, that was very kind
of you to resist.

It's not logical to
engulf ones allies.

Good, good I'm glad you
finally understand that.

So you're all well fed right?

Well, shit, I mean did he taste
any better than he fucked?

Yes.

Healthy and
nourishing and robust.

I feel fresh and free.

So how long is it until
you're hungry again?

One or two days.

Give me some
more paprika Amanda.

Sure you earned it.

Okay. Eh, eh, eh.

I would like to engage in
earth experiences now.

Okay, but if you do anything alien
like, we are coming straight home.

♪ ♪
[guitar music]

[JoJo] Low-fat cap... and?

A regular cap. Better
make it decaf.

Chocolate or cinnamon?

Do you have paprika?

No, just
cinnamon's fine. Thanks.

We do something like
this at home.

Oh, so you do, do
things for pleasure.

I thought you said you only
do things when it's useful?

It's apart of our mating ritual.

Oh, well maybe we're not as
different as you think we are.

What?

You seem different to me
in this new body.

Oh my god, Charlie lives.

When you guys mate, do you do it
because it's fun or because it's useful?

It's a part of sharing life
for one you care for.

- [door opens]
- [Jessica] Hey Amanda.

I knew you'd be here.

Oh, hi, Charlie.

Hi, Jessica.

Hi, Dave.

[Dave] Hi, Amanda.

Hey, Charlie I didn't know you were
apart of the comedy coffee set?

Yes, I enjoy
comedy coffee, Dave.

[clank]

[Jessica] Well, we don't want to
get to the party too early

because then we'll look like it's
the only party we're going to.

And if we get there too late,
everybody'll be plastered.

[Dave] Hey what's the difference
between a porsche and a porcupine?

With porcupine, the pricks
are on the outside.

Pricks are on the
outside, get it?

♪ ♪
[trancing music]

[Amanda] Ugh, just get in.

No more spices for you.

[officer] Uh, vehicle found registered
to a Connie Flores of San Francisco.

Stay here.

If anyone touches this
car, shoot 'em.

What if it's a cop?

Especially if it's a cop.

♪ ♪
[guitar music]

Sunshine.

I want a cup of coffee.

Take your pick.

Coffee, just-just coffee.

[Vint] She come through here?

A lot of people
come through here.

That'll be a buck.

Coffee's free for cops.

[Vint] Anyone seen her?

Anyone know her?

Anyone done her?

Don't all rush me at
the same time.

Is that a D-28?

Yeah.

- [smash]
- [Patron] Hey!

- I'm waiting.
- [JoJo] Okay, okay.

She was in here earlier.

- When?
- A couple hours ago.

She left with a regular.

Patterson, Amanda Patterson.

But I don't think she's
with her anymore.

You a cop?

- No.
- Then leave the detective work to the experts.

Don't hurt her, she's
a good kid.

Hurt her?

We're here to protect and serve.

Thank you for your corporation.

[crickets chirping]

I cannot believe you did that weird
alien dance in front of all my friends.

I'm sorry, Amanda. I did not
mean to cause you any distress.

It's not your fault.

It's just that, people who do dances
like that, they usually end up in detox.

So, does your planet
look like this one?

[Charlie] It's different.

[Amanda] Different how?

It's mostly liquid
and plasma tubes.

That sounds very beautiful in
an alien sorta way.

It's an appropriate surrounding
when I'm in my natural state.

What is the purpose
of this place?

Well it's a place where people
take other people that they like.

[man in car] I gotta go home.

[Charlie] I see. That
looks very stimulating.

Yeah, but I don't know if
I should teach you that.

Oh it's alright, I understand.

Where did that come from?

I learn very quickly.

We're going home.

♪ ♪
[Jacksie "Over The Rhine"]

♪ Her hair, her face,
her figure in your window ♪

♪ Her hands unlace your innermost ♪

♪ As you retrace your
steps of her familiar ♪

♪ Her ghost appears with raven eyes ♪

♪ To dance ♪

[wrapper crinkles]

♪ A love that never dies
takes you by surprise ♪

[moaning]

That's my favorite one that I've done
so far but I know it's pretty lame.

No, I find it quite interesting.

Well, the arts institute didn't.

They said I had no vision.

What kind of vision do a bunch of
old farts with tenure have anyway?

I find the picture very
beautiful to look at.

And I find you very
beautiful to look at.

Well, finally somebody
likes my work.

And he's from outer space.

[kissing sounds]

[doorbell rings]

[Vint] Morning, sweetheart.

We're the Feds, can we come in?

[Amanda] Sure, make
yourself at home.

Sit!

You seen this girl?

Maybe, I see a lot of girls.

Well you left Cafe Retro last
night with that one.

We really wanna find her.

[Amanda] Well, I gave a girl a ride
home yesterday from Cafe Retro

but I'd never seen
her before that.

Yeah, I guess this could be a
really shitty picture of her.

You don't say?

Well, we'll have to get on
our photographic unit

and let them know that their work doesn't
match up to the standards of one,

Amanda Patterson.

Where did you take
her after that?

Uh, I brought her here and then
someone else picked her up.

You took a
perfect stranger home.

Amanda, do you watch the news?

People that do that usually get,
um, decapitated.

Well, maybe I like
to live dangerously.

[Vint] Maybe you do.

So, this girl, who came
to pick her up?

I didn't see.

[Vint] You didn't see?

You weren't the least bit curious
who came to pick this girl up?

Look, she was a total loser
okay, a real closet case.

I really didn't care who
picked her up.

She needed a favor and I felt
sorry for her.

Well aren't you the
angel of mercy.

Do you dish out food in
soup kitchens also?

What about the boyfriend?

Of course I was gonna ask her
about the boyfriend.

Idiot!

So, puddle kitten,

you and this Charlie Nobles, are
you two boyfriend and girlfriend?

I really don't see how that's
any of your business.

Well, we've got this little
southern bell named Tina

who showed up last night and said that her
cousin Charlie went to visit you last night

and disappeared.

Perhaps you could tell Tina,
the little tramp,

that cousins aren't supposed to
fuck west of the Mississippi.

Such foul language.

So, I don't suppose you know where
we might find this, Charlie Nobles?

Right here.

What's the trouble?

[Vint] No trouble, uh,

no problem, we're just checking
up on a missing persons report.

Well as you can see he's
not missing so uh...

Charlie, these two gentlemen are
uh, federal officers.

Hi there, Charlie Nobles.

Please to meet you.

Well um, I guess that
about covers it.

Thank you for your corporation.

- Oh are you sure you wouldn't
like to join us for some coffee?
- No, no.

If we have any further questions
I'm sure we'll contact you.

[Vint] Gotta wash my hands.

[LeBeau] Well, at least
they were cooperative.

- [Vint] Shut up!
- [LeBeau] Ouch!

Obviously there's a few more
things I still need to teach you.

Like what?

Well, like human men don't walk
around naked in front of strangers.

Sorry.

It's alright, at least you got rid
of 'em, in your own special way.

But you know they are gonna find
out about this.

So you better get
to your rendezvous.

Either go there by yourself or tell
me so I can help you get there.

I would like you to go with me.

When do you have to be there?

Noon, tomorrow.

Okay, do I get to know
where we're going?

To the city of Los Angeles.

To the sign that
says, Hollywood.

[Amanda] We can take the backroads
instead of the main highway.

It takes longer gut there's less traffic
and less chance they'll spot us.

♪ ♪
[rock music]

[Amanda] Well it looks like we should
get to Bakersfield by tonight.

We could just sleep there and
head for L.A. in the morning.

I think you're gonna get
there in plenty of time.

Are you even listening to me?

I'm sorry.

I was thinking of someone.

Who?

Someone like me.

Do you have like a girlfriend or
something you didn't tell me about?

I have no one like you.

So what do you
look like anyways?

In your alien body?

It might surprise you.

Okay, then forget it.
I don't want to know.

I mean you know, you hear all this stuff
about if you really love someone you know,

you don't care if they're like
a hunchback or something but

I don't think I could handle sleeping
with something that's non human.

The concept of love is not
something that we have.

But if I understand it, I
believe I love you Amanda.

Oh god, it's not supposed to
happen like this.

What do you mean?

I don't know I mean,

you know, I just thought when I fell
in love it was gonna be ya know,

with like a musician or an artist or someone
really politically active or something.

Not an alien who lives off
of human flesh.

[Charlie] I like
your human flesh.

[cars screeching]

Wait wait, let me get
something straight...

You two men are two of
the top agents

in one of the most important
intelligence operations on this planet.

Didn't you find it somewhat odd that
the individual you were questioning

was stark fucking naked?

I would say yes. We found
it very odd.

Well that's very
promising Lieutenant.

Now did you recall the briefing
in which you were told

that the key in spotting the
alien was A typical behavior?

Sir, I don't think that was
on our mind at the time.

And just what was on
your mind Lieutenant?

Sir, when a man's johnson is
staring you right in the face,

it's hard to think
of anything else.

His johnson?

Yes, Sir, his johnson.

[officers] Move it, move it!

[Mallory] Ya!

Take it up. Take it up,
take it up.

[Man over phone]
This is backtrace.

Yeah, give me that last call from
this unit uh, four, O, two, five.

[Man over phone]
Eight, O, five.
Five, five, five. O, six, seven, eight.

[phone buttons beeping]

[Woman over phone]
Howdy, thanks for calling the
Bakersfield Bovine Hotel Resort,

may I help ya?

Ya just did.

Place is clean.

Alright good. Get me Edwards
Air Force Base in Mojave.

Tell 'em to set up a command center for
us and chopper as soon as possible.

- Yo!
- Yo!

♪ ♪
[western music]

[ding]

Howdy.

Hi, you have a reservation for
a Mr. and Mrs. James T. Kirk.

Uh, here you are city slickers.

The Gary Cooper room.

Look, there's only one
way outta her okay?

So if they catch us in here
tonight we're dead meat.

So you have got to keep
your ears peeled.

How do I peel my ears?

It means you have
to listen silly.

Eh hem, look what I found.

Yes, please.

Amanda I would really like
some paprika right now.

Open wide.

That was only a little, I would
like some more please?

[giggling]

- ETA on SWAT unit deployment?
- [Vint] Less than an hour.

Local law enforcement contained?

They're cooperating but they
want to know more.

Fuck 'em, it's none
of their business.

That's what I told 'em sir.

You did.

I'm impressed.

[Rosencrans] Well, Mallory,

it looks like those three levels of security
were about affective as a one legged man

in an ass kicking contest.

[Mallory] Don't you have to be
in a parade or something?

[Rosencrans] You justice wonder
boys just love to freelance.

But when the shit hits the fan yawl can
just disappear, we gotta clean up the mess.

Hey. Don't complain, it'll give you something to
do when you're not on a peace keeping mission.

[Rosencrans] Oh you're swimming
in it now boy.

Tomorrow this is gonna be
a military operation.

And you can watch the rest
of it on T.V.

Yeah, well a lot can happen
between now and tomorrow.

Major Rav will have her troops
ready just in case.

Carry on.

Alright,

All of our units have received
their positioning orders.

We have a hundred percent
containment in one mile radius.

Now in the unlikely event
the containment fails,

additional posts have been established
here by Colonel Gildenstern.

[Vint] Rosencrans

[Mallory] Doesn't matter we're
not going to need him.

What's the status of the target.

Target arrived more
than one hour ago.

All indications are that they
are in for the night.

[giggling]
♪ ♪
[Western music]

[knock at the door]

Would you relax. I just ordered
us a little dinner.

[Charlie] I'm not hungry.

Good, then don't eat the waiter.

And would yo get back in bed.

You know I keep telling you it is not
acceptable for human males to go around

swinging there thing in
front of everybody.

[Attendant] Let's see, one bottle
of champagne, one order of caviar.

I had to go to the store to get
that, I hope you appreciate it.

One order of strawberries and you wanted
the whole can of whipped cream right?

That's right.

Okay, well there it is.

And finally one order
of chicken paprika.

That'll be $86.50.

Shall I put it on the room?

Yeah.

And while you're at it why don't
you go ahead and um,

add an extra twenty bucks on
there for yourself okay?

Yes Mam.

[Amanda] Oh and, wanna put that do not
disturb sign on the door on our way out?

Yes mam.

Thank you.

[laughs]

[door closes]

May I swing my thing now?

Yeah go ahead.

Okay okay, slow down okay?

God we don't want you to
O.D. on this.

♪ ♪
[rock music]

[guns cocking]

[giggling]

[pop]

[giggling]

[giggling]

[ding]

-Howdy. -[Mallory] Howdy.

You happen to see this charming
young couple recently?

Well now we see a lot of
couples in here.

Just checked in tonight.

Room number?

What'd they do?

If I tell ya, I'm gonna have
to kill ya.

So I strongly suggest you just
give me the room number.

Two, twenty two.

Put that away.

[phone rings]

Hello?

You're gonna have a whole lotta
company in about two minutes.

What police?

Police, SWAT, FBI, CIA,
the national guard.

I think there's a couple of
Boy Scouts out there too.

Wow thanks for the tip.

Just to ease my conscience, you two aren't
like, mass murderers or anything are you?

No, not exactly.

There is only one thing
we can do.

♪ ♪
[dramatic music]

[crash]

Where is he?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

He has killed over a dozen men and
you are an accessory to murder.

That's what I'm talking about,
now stop screwing around.

Drop your weapons or I will be
forced to engulf this man.

Okay.

Okay, easy now.

[officer outside] Everyone,
hold your positions.

We're all just gonna back outta
here nice and slow.

Bullshit!

Sir?

Shoot her.

Shoot her.

And if she starts to
take me, shoot me too.

- Sir?
- That's an order!

Okay.

Good shot.

Alright now we gotta move. That
tranquilizer will wear off in a few minutes.

Get her over to the quarantine
truck and seal her up tight.

Look around the place, make sure there's
no traces of the boyfriend left

and the two of you drive
her back to the base.

I'll meet you after I personally tell
Rosencrans to call off his men, you got it?

- Got it.
- Yes, Sir.

[police radio chatter]

Get back to the base. Mallory's waiting.
We'll be right behind you.

Got it.

[truck engine starts]

[yawns] I'm sure
glad that's over.

Yup, me too.

Too bad about that Amanda.

She was cute.

Yeah, very cute.

That's funny.

What?

Why are we on a dirt road?

Shortcut.

Why'd you stop?

I think one of the
tires is flat.

Will you go have a look?

[thump]

- Is that you?
- [Vint] Yes.

This is the road to Los Angeles.

Yeah but we gotta
lose this truck.

[Man voice over scanner] Uh this
is an update.

Target is no
longer in containment.

Quarantine vehicle,
location unknown.

All units return to Edwards
for further instructions.

What the fuck!

[car screeches off]

Oh, okay pull in right there,
right there and kill the lights.

Perfect.

So, how do you feel?

A human male feels very
different from a human female.

But this male feels the
same as Charlie.

Well almost the same.

[laughs] Come on.

Hopefully this is where
we could get a ride.

Now, this place is very different
from any other place you've been

- so just let me do the talking okay?
- [Vint] Okay.

Coffee?

Do you guys have apple pie?

Made it myself this morning.

Well I'll take some of that
apple pie with ice cream, okay?

Hi.

Hi.

Where you from?

Abilene.

- That in Florida?
- No. Texas.

Oh. I'm a
California girl myself.

You don't say.

Yeah, actually I'm from San
Francisco but I'm heading to L.A.

- That right?
- Yeah.

- I-I'm gonna be in pictures.
- Hhmm. [clears throat]

I'm headed for L.A. myself.

I was hoping to get there in
the morning ya know

but when you're hitchin, you just
gotta go with the flow right?

So I figured I would just
hang out here and

eat pie and drink coffee until
the morning traffic picks up.

Uh huh.

Well, I can give ya a lift.

To L.A.?

Oh you don't think that
I was trying to...

Oh no. Don't worry.
No trouble at all.

Oh that'll be perfect.

And we can get there bright and
early in the morning?

Yeah!

Honey!

Hey, Honey we got a ride.

[animal howling]

I don't think I wanna know how
you ended up out here.

- Well it's kind of a long...
- Shut up!

Where's the other idiot?

- Who?
- Vint?

In the truck.

What about her?

She's in the truck too.

Is she still in containment?

Well, ya see, she's not it.

What do you mean?

He's it.

- Who's it?
- Vint's it.

Vint's what?

You know, it.

You mean, she's inside his body?

No, she was never it.

What do you mean she
was never it?

- Now I'm confused.
- Where's the truck now?

They went that way.

Okay Haas, I'll go
get the posse.

Edwards this is Mallory.

- [man over scanner] Rodger.
- Yeah signal the quarantine vehicle.

Track the signal and get
me the coordinates.

[man over scanner] Stand by for
coordinates and we'll call you back.

[howling]

♪ ♪
[country music]

Where y'all stay in L.A.?

At the sign that says Hollywood.

[laughs] Actually we're uh, that's
the first place we wanna visit

but we're gonna be staying
with some friends.

You two just get married?

Yeah!

You gotta get her a ring son.

That's a good idea.

You uh, you ever been married Bubba?

Mmm hmm,

Four times.

Four times?

What happened?

[sighs] Looking for love in
all the wrong places I guess.

[footsteps]

[guns clicking]

Aren't you gonna look inside?

There's not in there.
They dumped it.

Come on.

♪ ♪
[western music]

[Patron chatter]

Coffee?

No, no. I don't think so.

You happen to see these
two pass through here?

[exhales] A lot of people
pass through here.

Yeah, well they aren't
wanted for murder.

They all look the same to me.

Thelma, I've had a very long night
and I'm not in a very good mood.

Now unless I get just a little
bit of help,

I'm gonna mess up your pitiful
little grease pit.

We don't like to hear people
talk to Thelma like that.

Maybe you owe her an apology.

Yeah, well maybe you and Jethro
better mind your own business.

[click]

This here road goes
north and south.

If the party you lookin for came
from the north...

they went south.

On the other hand, if the
party came from the south...

then they be headin north.

Frankly, I'm disappointed.

I'da thought you college educated types
coulda figured that out for yourselves.

- [officer] Uh, Sir, Sir.
- What?

We just got word from Edwards.

This better be good, what is it?

NASA just locate an unidentified radio signal
being transmitted to coordinates about 75 miles

due south of here.

Alright, you get those
coordinates to the chopper.

And you have as many units as you can
meet us there by day break you got it?

Yeah, got it.

Get in the car.

♪ ♪
[country music]

So are there more of you here?

One.

That one is no longer living.

Oh how do you know?

I can feel it.

That one was my mate.

Oh, how long were you guys
you know, together?

Two hundred and
seventy five years.

And was he your only mate?

We mate only one time.

Forever.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Those who embark on these missions
know they may be dangerous.

But it is very important
that I get back.

Okay, so you know,
what is your mission?

Our planet is small
and cannot support us.

We must seek out other planets
which we can use for food.

What you came to earth to
set up like a food farm?

Don't you guys have like a prime
directive or something?

We came to earth to see if we could
use it as a suitable source.

We do not wish to destroy
intelligent life forms.

I must let my people know that earth
is not a proper source for us.

What? So you'll just go to some other planet and
start eating their people because they're not

as intelligent as you are?

What? Like that's any better?

We must eat to survive
just like you.

I've seen farms where they
raise animals for food.

You people are no different.

I think I'm gonna
become a vegetarian.

Well I guess I better
get you home right?

- [Bubba] By y'all.
- Bye.

♪ ♪
[intense music]

[cars screech]

[officer chatter]

Hit the pavement, both of you.

Okay, eat the road!

[gunshots]

No!

Uugh!

Take me.

Take me.

Come on do it quickly and you can get to
the park before they even realize it.

Come on this is
your only chance.

I can't.

I love you.

But I don't care.

Don't you know the need of the many
outweigh the needs of the few?

Come on, I saw this
on Star Trek.

Star Trek?

Never mind, just do it.

[Mallory] Okay party's over.

Let the slice and dice guys in
here to take him apart.

You bastard!

He was gonna help us
you stupid idiot.

Oh!

[slithering sound]

[groans]

[Mallory screams]

[officer] Hold your fire.

It's got Mallory.

[truck horn blares]

Get in. [Indistinguishable]

Not you bozo.

- Oh no, he's okay.
- He is?

Trust me, he's okay.

[truck horn blares]

Back! Back! Back!

[cars screech]

I best be on my way.

Thanks a lot Bubba.
You're really wonderful.

- You two take care now yeah?
- Okay!

So what happens now?

They're coming.

Goodbye, Amanda.

Wh-where's your ship?

Isn't some flying saucer gonna come land and
make a big crater in the middle of the road?

Sorry nothing that dramatic.

Come here, we don't have much time.

You were a good teacher for me.

I would like to give you a gift in return.

[seering noise]

I'll always
remember you, Amanda.

And there will always be a
part of me with you.

So I guess me going with you is
a really stupid idea huh?

It's not stupid,
it's just impossible.

Maybe we'll see each
other again someday.

Yeah right.

Why do guys always have to say that?

I love you, Amanda

[heart beat]

[whoosh]

[jet blast]

♪ ♪
[light rock music]

[TV Host] Our final guest on
this alien invasion special

is Amanda Patterson
of San Francisco.

Amanda, you're the only one here who has
actually been in contact with one of these aliens

and lived to tell about it.
What's your story?

Well, we fell in love so
I tried to help him.

Now let me get this straight, you fell in
love with an extraterrestrial jelly fish,

who gets his jollies by sucking
the life out of humans?

Well if someone can love Jeffrey
Dahmer or Charles Manson.

No no no no, you don't understand.
I mean he had to eat to survive.

Once he determined that we were
an intelligent life form...

Oh, Amanda come on?
I have to eat to survive too

but I don't go around sucking
people's skulls to do it.

[audience laughs]

No, you don't understand
I mean how else...

Ladies and gentlemen,
you be the judge.

Has Amanda found true love or is she just
another candidate for the looney bin?

[punch]

Way to go girl, I've been wanting
to do that to her for years.

I don't know, I think
I like Donahue better.

Well are you through getting grilled here
or do you get to go back down to Edwards

and get on that helicopter with
that really cute marine?
[girls swoon]

Yeah, I have to go back next
week for more questioning.

But, hey at least
I'm not in jail.

A few of us are meeting at my place later
for a girls night out, wanna come?

Can't got plans.

A new guy, tell me about him.
I wanna know everything.

Jessica, you're drooling.

Oh, well maybe next week.

Yeah, maybe.

♪ ♪
[Over The Rhine "Circle Of Quiet"]

♪ Here I am standing in a circle of quiet ♪

♪ Where a truce is tacitly observed ♪

♪ Standing in a circle of quiet ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ Maybe you can tell me why I'm prone
to wander like a gypsy to a bone ♪

♪ Every time I hear the rain amid the thunder
I want to run outside and shed my clothes ♪

♪ But I want to stay with you
long enough to love you right ♪

♪ And I want to say to you I
love the patience in your eyes ♪

♪ I love the patience in your eyes ♪

♪ Here I am standing in a circle of quiet ♪

♪ Where a truce is tacitly observed ♪

♪ Standing in a circle of quiet ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ Waiting ♪

♪ And a hundred days and nights
could find me scattered ♪

♪ All around the world without a name ♪

♪ But you're more than just a feather in my
hat more than just a fetter on my frame ♪

♪ When I look up in the sky at night
I want to go chase the stars ♪

♪ But like the catcher in the rye
I want to stay where you are ♪

♪ I want to stay where you are ♪

♪ I want to stay ♪

♪ Here I am standing in a circle of quiet ♪

♪ Where a truce is tacitly observed ♪

♪ Standing in a circle of quiet ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ ♪
[Jane Wiedlin "Hey Girl"]

♪ Hey girl crashing through
life, you're a runaway car ♪

♪ Hey girl blinding the boys,
you're a shining star ♪

♪ Hey girl turn up the heat,
a little bit higher ♪

♪ Hey girl burn up the night,
you're a house on fire ♪

♪ I'm still the same ♪

♪ Been seeming strange ♪

♪ So all alone ♪

♪ No one to call your own ♪

♪ Hey girl ♪

♪ Hey girl painting the sky,
you're a red tail hawk ♪

♪ Hey girl you always
flew, why rather walk ♪

♪ I'm still the same ♪

♪ Been seeming strange ♪

♪ So all alone ♪

♪ No one to call your own ♪

♪ I'm still the same ♪

♪ Been seeming strange ♪

♪ So all alone, no one to call your own ♪

♪ Hey girl, I'm still the same ♪

♪ Hey girl, been seeming strange ♪

♪ Hey girl, so all alone ♪

♪ No one to call your own ♪

♪ Hey girl ♪