All language subtitles for A Bit of Fry & Laurie s04e03

I love to dunk. I'm a great dunker.
Anything. I just dunk anything.

My husband says I'd dunk my own name
if it wasn't stitched on.

-You know, in tea, or in coffee, or in...
-(MUTTERING)

-Hmm?
-(STAMMERING) You're...

doing one of those repeats, I suppose, are you?
Filming more of those repeats.

You know...

I suppose this is what I pay my licence fee for,
is it?

To keep you lot in jeans and heroin.

LAURIE: Hmm.

-And then I...
-It's rather irritating, you know.

I'm trying to get through here, and you're...

There's no room.

No, there's no room. I want to walk through here...

I might... Look, you see?

Oh, but that doesn't matter, does it?

No, because you're all...
You're all right, aren't you?

In your jeans and your leather jackets,
and your...opinions.

When I said... I like to dunk a lot of things,

just dunk, anything, really. And, um... Oh.

I'm going to write a very stiff letter.
A very stiff letter...

on cardboard.

-I expect you get a lot of this, do you?
-And I shall post it, too.

(SINGING)

FRY: (WHISPERING) Between desire and reality.

LAURIE: A bit.

FRY: Between fact and breakfast,

madness lies, lies, lies...

LAURIE: A bit.

FRY: I hate you, I hate you and yet...

I hate you...

(FRY SOBBING)

As love, rage and aches of the ear.

Pretension by Fry and Laurie.

FRY: Ladies and...

Ladies, uh...

Oh, yes. Ladies and gentleman,
welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

Mesdames et messieurs, bienvenue â
Un Morceau de Fry et Laurie.

Stoat messy bim, goat yenda fent stootka

Fry stink Laurie.

Lars pebble finger hat, ply bo hen Fry shat Laurie.

Thar mattadatta, polipwippip nipsip,

Fry hidden Laurie.

-That's a lovely accent.
-Thank you. Thank you.

Is that from a tape or...

No, no, I used to live there in the '70s.

-I thought so, I thought so.
-Mmm, mmm.

Well, anyway, that's enough verbal frotting
for the time being.

It's easy to say, you know, that the next half hour

will soon be filled
with the sound of good fellowship,

the laughter of friends,
and the sobbing of children.

That's right. But what is hard, however what
is painfully, grindingly, thigh-suckingly hard

is to find the words that can adequately
describe our first guest this evening.

Well, the easiest bit first. She's a man.

A man of real distinction, born
within moaning distance of Sevenoaks in Kent,

our first guest has variously been described

as the finest classical murderer of his generation,

and also as the Jilly Cooper of anal love.

He's the captain of his soul
and the chief petty officer of his destiny,

and he brings to A Bit of Fry and Laurie
a much-needed injection of heroin.

-He is, of course, Clive Mantle.
-Oh, excellent, I had no idea.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hello, Clive.

Now, Clive, this is very exciting for me.

In fact, this is something of a realisation
of a lifelong ambition, as far as I'm concerned.

My colleague wasn't all that keen
on having you on, but I insisted.

Really?

(UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGHTER)

My colleague will have his little joke.
No, sincerely, a great pleasure, Clive.

-Thank you.
-Now, Clive, tell us what you've been up to.

You had a bit of a hard night last night,
I understand.

-Not really. No.
-No?

Well, there was something
about you and, you know...

-What?
-You and a certain actor from EastEnders.

-Oh, that, well...
-(LAUGHING LOUDLY) Yeah?

A certain amount of hell was raised, I understand?

Uh, you know what the press are like, they'd
like to blow everything out of all proportion.

I think in your case,
nature's already done that, Clive.

But, Clive, tell me.
Um, I've met a number of reformed hell-raisers,

but I think I'm right in saying

you're the first hell-raiser proper
I've ever actually met.

Tell us about this business of hell-raising,
what's it all about?

Well, I think it's specifically
a reference to drinking.

Oh, I see. So, when they say hell-raiser,
they really mean ''drunk.''

-Correct?
-No, I think there's a bit more to it than that.

-Such as?
-Well,

being rude to waiters, you know,
upsetting the odd table, that sort of thing.

(LAUGHING IN AMAZEMENT)

Well, something learnt there already,
so when they say hell-raiser,

they mean, ''Old drunk who is rude to waiters
and upsets tables.''

-I think the idea is that it's quite stylish...
-Stylish!

Well, you know, amusing.

Really? Amusing, really?
Well, Stephen, your witness.

No further questions.

Relax, Clive, the rapier is back in its scabbard.

Well, from sad old drunks who are rude to waiters
and upset tables...

-Stylishly.
-Always stylishly.

We move on to our second studio visitor.

You know, ladies and gentleman,
when Shakespeare wrote the words,

''Time cannot wither her,
nor custom stale her infinite variety,''

it's possible he was thinking of Cleopatra.

But it's also just possible too
that he was thinking of our next studio guest.

She's been described as the doyenne of...

-It's very unlikely.
-Highly unlikely.

-Why?
-Well, she was born centuries after Shakespeare.

He couldn't possibly be talking about her,
they never met, he'd never heard of her...

Yeah, all right, all right, all right.

Ladies and gentleman,
when Jeffrey Archer wrote the words,

''The expanding bullet mushroomed
inside Ullman's thigh,

''splintering bone and tissue,
as if it had been cheap crockery,''

it's just possible
he was thinking of our next guest.

-Better. Much better.
-Much better.

Her friends call her Snutty, but
to millions of fans of the Littlewoods Catalogue,

she is adoringly and affectionately known
as the Cardigan Lady.

Ladies and gentleman, please welcome,
please ingest, please assimilate gently,

the manifold delights of Imelda Staunton.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda,

Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda.

Imelda, Snutty, Snutty.

-Um, tell us all about your week.
-Oh, well, it's been frantic, Stephen.

-Mmm. Supermarket openings?
-How did you guess?

-I didn't.
-Well, you're wrong anyway.

'Cause I've never opened a supermarket in my life.

Fascinating. Really?

-You never opened a supermarket?
-No.

I never knew that. But you do make a number
of personal appearances during the course

-of your weekly week, don't you?
-Yes, yes, that's right.

I did make a personal appearance yesterday,

at the hairdresser's,
to get my hair, um, you know...

-Dressed?
-Dressed, yeah.

And I also made an appearance
at the bus stop to catch a bus.

(EXCLAIMING)

They must take an enormous
amount out of you, these personal appearances.

Well, yeah. I've just gotta grin and bear it, though,
you know...

Yes, well, I'd rather you didn't.

My colleague, would you care to cross-examine?

-Well, now, Imelda...
-Oh, oh, oh...

-Snutty, please.
-Snutty, I'm so sorry.

Snutty, um, when you agreed
to come on the show,

you said that you'd be prepared to undergo
a bit of a challenge.

-No, no, don't say that, now.
-Oh, no...

You can't back out of it now,
because if you do, we'll hit you.

What we want you to do, is to look at this
photograph and provide an amusing caption.

Photograph is right over there.
So look at it now. Look at it. Look at it!

-Ooh, uh...
-LAURIE: I'll have to hurry you?

So it's ''Ooh, uh.'' Clive, can you do any better
than ''Ooh, uh,'' do you think?

Uh, well...

FRY: Hmm.

So, we've got to choose between ''Ooh, uh''
and ''Well.''

-Tricky.
-Very tricky, indeed.

What do you think, my colleague?

-I think we'll have to call it a draw.
-I think you're right.

Imelda, could you accept this old-fashioned
English-assortment cigar tin from us

as our... As your prize?

And, Clive. Please accept this small kiss
on the brow from my colleague.

Good night.

Strange man.

And talking of strange men...

Oh, well, what I always say is,

if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, shoot it.

I was christened Gay, you see.

Um, it was a perfectly common name
in the 1 950s,

but today, well, it has connotations, doesn't it?

You know, if you go around saying,
''Hello, I'm Gay.''

So I went to the Deed Poll place

and I changed it to ''Rampantly Homosexual.''

-Another one please, barman.
-You sure?

-What?
-No offence, but this will be your seventh.

-You just keep 'em coming.
-Righto. Your funeral.

-Bitch.
-Come again?

-My wife.
-Oh, right, right.

She doesn't understand me.
She's never understood me.

What, Polish or something, is she?

You ever been...

You ever been trapped in a loveless marriage
with a woman you despise?

Not since I was nine.

Do you like it straight up?

-What?
-Or with ice?

-Ice.
-Righto.

-Cocktail onion?
-No, thanks.

She takes no interest in my friends, you know.
She laughs at my...

-Peanuts?
-...hobbies.

-She doesn't even value my...
-Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsits?

...career.

You know, it's just so depressing.

-All right, so other men have got larger...
-Plums?

...salaries, and better prospects,

-and other men can boast a healthier-looking...
-Stool?

...lifestyle.

All right, you know,
so I haven't got loads of cash hanging around.

You know, but why complain?
Other people are worse off. I've got a job.

-I've got two sweet, rosy...
-Nibbles?

...children.

And she's always going on and on and on
about my appearance.

I mean, it's not as if she's an oil painting.

-You know, I mean frankly she's...
-Plain and prawn-flavoured.

She's not as young as she used to be herself.

I don't know why I bother with women.
I'd be better off being a...

-Fruit?
-Well...

Monk or a hermit or something.

-At least if I was a...
-Fag?

At least if I was a monk, you know,
I wouldn't have to put up with women,

you know... Women going on and on,
who can talk the hind leg off a...

-Camel?
-...donkey, you know.

The trouble is, I couldn't live without women.

You know, in a monastery
the best you can hope for is a bit of...

Chocolate Hobnob?

...peace and spirituality.

I mean, let's face it,
we haven't slept together for years.

-You know, the best I can hope for is a bit of...
-Savoury finger?

...a bit of a...

Bit of a cuddle at Christmas.

And, naturally, she won't let me give her
so much as a...

Good juicy tongue in the back passage.

...as a peck on the cheek.

I tell you... I tell you, the trouble with that woman,
is that she's just a...

Rather disgusting-looking tart
that should have been disposed of ages ago?

She...

I tell you what it is, she's a complainer.
That's what she is, a complainer.

-Well, one more for the road I think, barman.
-Certainly. Anything to go with it?

Bag of oral sex, if you've got one.

...and pants first. Always pants first. Then socks.

Then shoes, trousers, shirt, tie,

possibly a hat,

but only if I'm really hungry.

It's funny, we had this thrush
outside our bedroom window,

and it kept us awake for weeks.

So, in the end, I got up
and poured natural yoghurt all over it.

-Hello, Julie.
-Oh, hello, Frank. Kettle's on.

Uh, no, ta.
Um, Julie, there's something I wanted to tell you.

Oh, well, can't it wait?
Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.

-Oh, not really, no.
-Oh, well, make it quick then.

-Yeah, well, I'm trying.
-Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.

Yeah, but it's not easy.

Oh, blimey. Look, it's nearly 4:00 now.
I've got to pick Rebecca up in a minute.

No, look, hold on, love. This is important.

-Important?
-Yeah.

-You see, the thing is this. I've...
-Bill!

-Sorry, am I...
-No, no, it's all right.

No, Frank was going to tell me
something important

but I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00. So...

Well, I'll pick Rebecca up if you like.

-You sure?
-Yeah.

-Yeah, no problem. What time?
-Uh, 4:00.

-Oh, blimey, it's nearly 4:00 now.
-I know.

-Well, I'll go and pick her up, then.
-Well, kettle's on.

No thanks, treacle.

Look, I better get a move on
so I'll make it by 4:00.

Oh, thanks.

-All right, see you, sis.
-See ya.

-Now then, what's so important?
-Well...

-Kettle's on, by the way.
-No, thanks, no.

-You sure? Won't take a minute.
-No, no, you see, the thing is this, Julie...

-Sorry, am I...?
-What's wrong? What's wrong? Rebecca all right?

-Oh, fine...
-No, tell me, what's happened?

Nothing's happened.

-It's just...
-What?

Well, where am I going to pick her up from?

-Oh, Rebecca?
-Yeah.

-Tony's.
-Oh, Tony's. Great, yeah.

-What time?
-I said 4:00.

Oh, blimey.

I'd better make a move
or I might not make it by 4:00.

Now then...

-Let's have that tea.
-Uh, no, not for me.

-You sure? Kettle's on.
-No, really...

-Two seconds. Warm the pot...
-No...

-...couple of tea bags...
-Julie.

What?

-Yeah, ta. I'd love a cup of tea.
-Ooh.

Now, this big important thing that can't wait...

Well, it's not very easy, love, 'cause the thing is...

-Sugar?
-Uh, yeah, two. Thanks.

Look, we've known each other
for some time, haven't we?

Yeah.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is this,
I've been...

Either of you two seen Bill?

-Bill?
-Yeah, he's supposed to be giving me a lift.

No, he's gone to fetch Rebecca.

-What time?
-9:00.

-9:00?
-Oh, no, wait a minute, 4:00.

-4:00?
-4:00.

-Sure?
-Sure. He'll be back in a minute.

Oh, I'll hang on then. Kettle on, is it?

(VAUDEVILLE-STYLE MUSIC PLAYING)

# Oh, little girl

# Would you like a sweetie?
Would you put your hand in mine?

# I promise not to hurt you
Or impinge upon your virtue

# All I want is half a second of your time

# Oh, little girl

# Won't you smile into the camera?

# This time I know we'll get the perfect shot

# Now do you think that it would hurt
If you just undid your shirt

# And showed the readers everything you've got?

# Little girl

# You really mustn't worry
No one will respect you any less

# When all is said and done
You know, it's just a bit of fun

# Now be a sport, take off that pretty dress

# Little girl

# Can't you see now you are famous?

# Your name is on the nation's lips

# Over breakfast they'll admire you
In their lunch hour they'll desire you

# And by tea time
you'll be wrapping up their chips

# Little girl

# Congratulations on your record

# They played it on the wireless just today

# It was fast and rather naughty
Went straight in at number 40

# Though the DJ said that's where it ought to stay

# Little girl

# So you got married to a pop star

# I can hardly work my camera for the tears

# But as you said your fond goodbyes
I got a great one of your thighs

# What a shame you were divorced within a year

# Little girl

# You're not a girl and you're not little

# But there's still one thing I'd love it if you'd do

# Although she's slightly shorter

# I would love to meet your daughter

# Do you think that she would like to follow you?

# Do you think that she would like
to follow you? #

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Conservative. Sorry. There it is.

Yes?

Ah, well, now... I'm...

I'm a lifelong, dyed-in-the-wool don't-know, really.

(STAMMERING)
Well, yeah, you see I got this system.

I mean, I know people say there's no such thing
as a perfect system,

but, yeah, mine's pretty good.

What happens is, I vote Conservative in elections,

and if there isn't an election, I vote Labour.
And that seems to work.

I'm one of those, um... One of those ones that...

Oh, what are they called?
The people who change their minds all the time.

An archetypal...

Oh, what's the phrase? Someone who
votes first this way and then that way...

''Something'' voter. That's what I am.

You know, with the pace of modern life
being what it is,

it's sometimes hard, isn't it,
to make time for the simple things,

like masturbation,
and brewing a really good pot of tea,

because we're besieged on all sides, aren't we,
by the ''instant'' merchants:

instant coffee, instant traffic, instant hair,

instant devolution of power to local government

through the channels of tariff reform and
the implementation of local weighting measures.

Well, to help you slow down and make time,
I'm going to get Snutty here

to take us through the traditional way to make

a pot of hot-strong, hot-strong-good-strong,
hot-warming, but not hotting,

good-fresh, fresh-good tea. Good. Snuts.

Well, the first step is to warm the pot.

Well, priceless piece of advice right there,
ladies and gentleman.

Next, find yourself an area of soil,

not less than two metres square,
preferably south-facing,

where you can plant a tea plant.

And that's where we get tea from, is it?

Sorry?

From the tea plant,
that's where we get tea from, is it?

No, that's where we get cups and saucers.

Having...

Having planted a tea plant, you're looking
at a number of years, perhaps three,

before the bush is strong enough to yield
a reasonable amount of what we call tea leaves.

Mmm! Can hardly wait.

-Hugh?
-Yes?

Would you be a love and fetch my secateurs?

-Secateurs, right. Where are they?
-At my uncle's house in Carlisle.

-Okay.
-Thank you.

So, luckily, three years ago, Hugh mentioned
they might be featuring the tea plant.

So I went ahead and planted one, and here it is.

-So I think it would...
-Carlisle?

Yeah.

But that's miles away.

No, no, no, no. Intercity, no time.

Right.

So if I tear off a couple of these leaves,
they give off,

-mmm, a fabulous aroma.
-You were absolutely right, no time at all.

Oh, well done. Well done, well done.

Very good, actually. They're very good, these.

-So was there a buffet car?
-Yes, there was, actually. Yes.

And how was their tea?

Not bad at all. It was instant, but you know...

-It's not the same, really, is it?
-As what?

Same as this good old-fashioned, proper, British,
good-hot, fresh, hot-fresh, good-fresh-good,

warming-but-not-hotting,
good-fresh, fresh-good tea. British.

(SIGHING)

-Right. So, Snutty...
-Yeah.

-...you've planted your tea plant, all right.
-Mmm-hmm.

You've waited for three years,
and you've warmed the pot already...

Yes, now you can see why
you warm the pot first, can't you?

To save time, of course. So what's the next stage?

Well, now we go to a restaurant or cafe

where they have a reputation for serving
an excellent cup of tea.

Let's do that now.

You know, we're not really very interested
in politics, not very adventurous, you know...

Missionary position's always been all right for us.
So why change?

People always mock things
that they can't understand.

That's why they mock
John Major being Prime Minister.

Nobody can understand how it happened.

Went to the theatre the other night,
the National... Our National Theatre...

Our Royal National Theatre.

Saw a play. Yes, all right, it was only a play.

Oh, brilliant! So now I'm to be judged and mocked

and whipped and scorned
because it was only a play, am I?

It's all right! It was only a sod-buggering play!

No, Eric Cantona wasn't in it.

Nor was Linford Christie or Stephen Hendry
or any of the big stars.

Jesus Christ! What do you want from me, huh?

Hmm? Hmm?

I mean, Christ, at least I bother
to get off my fat, wobbling, festering,

lardy carpet and actually go to the theatre!

Suddenly, I'm Adolf Eichmann!

Well, I mean you just don't...
Oh, why won't this frigging tomato behave?

God! I mean, what is the earthly point
of trying, just for once in your life,

just trying to make an honest, decent salad
for no other motive other than love,

and a decent desire,

without the crudging, arsing thing
coming apart in your hand?

Anyway, I saw a play there
by Shakespeare, as it happens.

And so I started thinking. Thinking about...

Oh, damn and blast! This cocking cucumber!

Why does it have to be like this?

I watched television last night.
It was like... It was like staring into a sewer.

I counted 2 3 tits, 1 4 arses, and a thigh.

Hmm?
(STAMMERING) Well, I mean, why can't they

show something on television
that shows you don't have to be dirty?

Hmm? You don't have to be dirty.

(GAME SHOW MUSIC)

(IN HEAVY NORTHERN ACCENT)
Hello, and welcome to Don't Be Dirty.

The show that shows you don't have to be dirty.

With us is Tony, three-times semi-finalist,

and John, keen to be clean,

who came through unexpectedly when last week's
finalist, Mr Nottingham, died in a canoe.

Tony, I'd like you to start first.

Would you describe for us, Tony, please,

the act of fellatio,
that's the act, Tony, of fellatio, without, Tony,

and I'm sure you must know the rules by now,
without being dirty.

And your time starts five seconds ago.

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) This is an act
that takes place between two people,

uh, possibly of opposite sexes, but possibly not...

Careful, Tony.

...whereby, one of the participants takes
a part of the other participant's person

into the place where they might
more commonly keep bubblegum, say,

and proceeds to masticate...

Oh, Tony, I thought you were
a goner there. You're playing with fire, mind.

...until the other participant arrives
at a state of pleasurable relaxation.

The second participant then gives
the first participant ten quid and goes home.

(GONG SOUNDS)

Oh, unbelievable!
Can no one beat this big man from Hunstanton?

Well, John, it's up to you. Now...

Your topic is the preservation of hardwoods.

Your time starts...then!

Well, this is a very necessary business operation...

(BUZZER)

-Tony's challenged.
-He said ''business.''

You did say ''business,'' John, you did.

Little bit dirty there.
Minute away but plenty of time to go.

Operation that has to be carried out if developers
are not to rase our hardwood forests...

(BUZZER)

Another challenge from our reigning champion.

-The nature of your challenge, Tony, please.
-He said... He said ''rase.''

-He did say ''rase,'' Tony.
-''Rase'' is an anagram of ''arse.''

Rase is an anagram of arse, John, it is, it is, it is.

So sorry. I'm afraid we have to lose you.
You were keen to be clean

but you came up against a man
very much at the top of his form.

-So sorry to say goodbye.
-Oh, piss!

Tony, you've been in this position before.

You keep the £800 anyway.
They're yours to keep, as of right.

No one can take them away from you,
but I'm offering you now

another £600, plus an opportunity

to go into our Don't Be Dirty
daily double with a chance to win £1 0.

-I'll go for the daily double.
-I knew you'd say that, Tony.

You're a sport, quite a sport.

But do remember that the prizes that you've won
are yours to keep.

-They're yours, yours alone. You're clear on that?
-I am clear on that, Bradley, yes.

All right. So long as you're clear on that.
They're yours, no one else's, just yours.

All right. Can we have the Don't Be Dirty
daily double categories on the board, please?

Your categories are: rimming,

genital torture, and David Vine.

Now remember, this is a daily double,
so two subjects, Tony.

I have to hurry you as you take your time.
Just take your time, very quickly.

Uh, genital torture
and David Vine, please, Bradley.

Tony...

(DRUM ROLL)

You have 30 earth seconds in which to talk

about genital torture and David Vine.

And those 30 seconds, Tony, start...

Oh, damn, just missed that one.

Coming up.

Now!

Uh, nipple clamps and scrotal compressors

are frequently deployed,
as well as a variety of serrated needles

which are inserted into parts of the body

normally kept inside pants and vests.

Presenting various sporting events,
most notably the World Snooker finals

from the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield,
David Vine combines

an easy, relaxed presentational style,
with a clear expertise on the game. He...

(ALARM SOUNDING)

Oh, Tony, Tony! You said ''on the game''!

Oh, you're dirty, Tony, and that's a pity.

I was. I was dirty. Shite, arse, damn.

Only four seconds to go, and you were dirty.

Tony, I'm so sorry. It means you lose
all the prizes you won last week

and the prizes you won tonight. They're gone.

They're not yours, they're lost.
As of right, they're not yours any more.

I'm afraid you have to repay to us
your travel expenses

and you leave us empty-handed.

-But, Tony, you knew the risks.
-I did, Bradley, yes, I knew the risks, yes.

But tell me this thing, Tony.
Have you had a good time on Don't Be Dirty?

Have you enjoyed yourself?
Has it been a pleasure?

It's been a big one, Bradley.

It's been a really, really big one.
I've pleasured myself hugely.

Oh, well, that's good to hear.

Until next time, ladies and gentlemen,
we say goodbye. But do remember this.

-Don't be dirty.
-Don't be dirty.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, that bitch, whore, strumpet time

has dealt us another deadly dog turd, I'm afraid.

And I look up at the space on the wall
that's covered by the Fry and Laurie clock

and I see that in one-and-a-half minutes' time,
I will no longer be able to say,

''Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching
A Bit of Fry and Laurie. ''

I can say it now, however.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching
A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

But not for long.

-Hugh.
-What?

I'd be interested to see the memo

from the Director General
that gives you permission to butt in like that.

I'm so very sorry.

I can certainly show you the memo
that tells you to butt out.

He's quite right.

Well, now it comes to that time
where I ask our guests

to tell me the kind, sort, or kind of cocktail
that they would like served to them this evening.

Lady guest and gentle guest,
faites vos choix, s'il vous plaît.

Well, I want one of each.

No, no, no. No, I think we'll plump for
the South Seas Vulvic Wart.

Mmm!

The South Seas Vulvic Wart.

Well, for this you will need
two scooped-out melons,

plenty of ice, some dry London gin,

check, that should be wet London gin.

You will need the opening paragraph
of George Eliot's Silas Marner.

You will need a wedge of toast for decoration,

a lump of Cinzano Bianco,
of course, some Cointreau,

and some photographs of Lech Walesa
attached to cocktail sticks.

And as I prepare a South Seas Genital Wart, I say,

as I like to on these occasions,

those six refreshing words that unlock the door

to sophisticated evening happiness.

I say,

please, Mr Music, will you play?

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING)

ALL: Soupy twist.