All language subtitles for The Inbetweeners s01e05 Caravan Club.eng

[theme music playing]

Hi, I'm Will,
and as a special treat

I now get to finish my A-Levels
at a State comprehensive.

Posh twat.

Everyone's made me feel
very welcome.

Briefcase wanker.

-I have made some friends.
-Oh, friend!

Unfortunately,
they're bigger losers than me.

[gags]

Which means, while other people
get to play pool and hang out,

I spend my free periods tied
to a chair

with a rubbish bin on my head.

What happened to you?

-I tripped.
-Really?

No, not really, Neil.
Donovan's tied me to a chair.

He says no-one's allowed to
touch me. The prick.

Just so you know,
he's stood ten foot away.

Shit. He didn't hear that,
did he?

Yep, he's heard that.

-Come on, we'll get you out.
-Uh, better not, Neil.

Sorry, we're not allowed
to untie you.

Fair enough.

So what are we up to
this weekend?

We could go to Bluewater.

A shopping center? Great.
You know how much I love chavs.

Bluewater's not chavvy.
It's quality.

I go there all the time.

-I rest my case.
-To be fair,

they've now got a Nando's.

-The hallmark of quality!
-I actually like Nando's.

Well, whatever you sad acts get
up to this weekend,

I won't be there.

Oh, no! Who will supply the
witticisms?

I'll be up to my nuts in some
guts,

shagging those sisters
from Caravan Club.

Camber Sands meeting this
weekend,

which is always like
a massive orgy.

Except it's not, though, is it?
It's holidays for old people.

I'm sorry, did someone say
something?

Was Bin Boy giving it
the big 'un?

It's funny how you never
get any girls around here,

yet away on Caravan Club

you're like some sort of
gypsy Russell Brand.

I wouldn't shag any of the
skanky girls around here, mate.

-Except for your mum.
-Get in the queue!

-Brilliant.
-If you don't believe me,

you should come to Camber Sands.
Even Bin Boy might get some sex!

All right. I'm definitely up for
that.

Yeah, love to.

You don't have to.

No, if I have to sleep in a
caravan to prove you're lying,

then I'm willing to make that
sacrifice.

Fine. Good.

Come down.
Then we'll see who's lying.

Yes, you. You're lying.

[bell rings]

-Mark, can we untie him now?
-No.

Sorry, mate. See you at lunch.

-See you then.
-Oh, shit, it's Gilbert.

Good, now Donovan's in trouble.

-Don't grass.
-Cooper, Sutherland, Cartwright,

-and who have we under here?
-McKenzie, sir.

Let me guess,
no one saw how this happened.

I suppose you tripped.

-No, sir, what happened was--
-You're about to grass, are you?

Sir?

If there's one thing no one
likes, it's a grass.

So I will ask you how this
happened and you will reply,

"I tripped."

But, sir, if no one
reported crimes,

the justice system
would collapse and--

I'll ask you again.
How did this happen?

-I tripped.
-[tsks] Clumsy.

[Will] Thanks to Gilbert's
disdain for informers,

I was left tied to the chair
for the rest of the day.

Guys?

The one good thing is
we called Jay's bluff.

This was the classic win-win
situation.

If by some miracle,
Caravan Club was full of girls,

then we might get laid,

but if it was full of weird
old people and chavs,

which it would be, then Jay
would never live it down,

so with high hopes,

we hit the open road in Simon's
shitty little yellow car.

How fast can this thing go,
then, do you reckon?

It's the special edition,

so I reckon it could
probably top a ton.

-Bollocks.
-Easily could.

It's a pretty good car.

I thought your dad had forbidden
you from going over 50.

He's not here, is he?

-And it couldn't do it anyway.
-Right, we'll see.

80's pretty good.
We could leave it there.

-Go on, Si!
-Oh, my God, we're going to die!

Simon, if you survive and I
don't,

give this message to my mum.

"Simon killed me."

-My arms are hurting a bit now.
-98.

99.

-100 miles an hour!
-[laughing]

-Thank Christ.
-[Simon] Told you.

Yeah, not too bad.

[mobile phone plays tune]

Can you get that?

It's from Jay.
No idea what it says,

but I'm pretty sure
it's not English.

There's an I, then an H,
then a V.

Oh, give it here.

He says he wants us
to pick him up

at the garage just outside
Camber Sands

and he'll show us
how to get to the caravan park.

Thank you, Dr Doolittle.

What?

-'Cause he talks to the animals.
-I'm not following you.

[mobile phone plays tune]

Oh, and he's also buying
a jumbo pack of ribbed johnnies.

Does anyone else need some?

[Will] Despite Simon's
best efforts,

we made it
to Camber Sands alive.

We'd arranged to meet Jay
at the service station,

and though Simon
could just about drive a car,

getting petrol into it
still remained a mystery.

[grunts in frustration]

Christ, I forgot about
this shit heap.

I don't think even I could
help you get laid in that.

Have you ever used one of these
before?

It's broken. This should reach.

-You sure you passed your test?
-Yes.

How many times did you have
to suck off the instructor?

-You want to park it closer.
-Thanks, Neil.

Pump number six,
please park closer.

Told you.

This is embarrassing.

I'm going to go check out the
clunge mags.

Wait for me.

[attendant] Pump number six,
do you need assistance?

I think I might go
and stretch my legs a bit, too.

[snickering]

-What's so funny, then?
-It's your mum in this mag.

Yes, very droll, well done.

No, look, it really
looks like your mum's face.

[chuckles nervously] Yes.

Um... No!

Oh, that is definitely
your mum's snatch.

I just got a text from this girl
at the Caravan Club.

-Oh, yeah, is it Becky?
-Yeah.

I texted your photo.
What's she say?

"Hi, Simon, my name's Becky.
Liked your photo."

Jay says you've got a cool car
as well.

See you later." Smiley face.

She's seen a picture of you.
Let's get back one of her.

With her tits out.

-Might be a bit soon for that.
-She is filthy.

-Still a bit early, I reckon.
-What shall I write?

"Spread them.
I'll be there in half an hour."

Or, "So lovely to hear from you,

it would be a pleasure
to meet up."

-"PS, I'm a poofter."
-Don't put the PS.

I've put,
"Can't wait to meet up.

How will I know
what you look like?"

-Smiley face at the end?
-With a wink. It's cheeky.

No, the winky face
is the mark of a moron.

I've sent it.

-[mobile phone plays a tune]
-Is that Leona Lewis?

It's a picture of her
with her sister Suzanne.

-Are they kissing?
-Let me see.

-Oh, please be lesbo.
-Oh. Fit enough.

I told you there was fit birds,

and there's plenty more
where they came from.

I think I'm actually going to
get laid.

Oh, my God, sisters!
That's so horny!

First rule of Caravan Club
is that everyone gets some.

Second rule is, don't tell
anyone about the first rule,

as it's a massive lie.

-We'll see about that, won't we?
-Yes, we will.

Pump number six, please,
and these.

And them.

Do you want a bag for these?

[Will] Okay, admittedly
Jay knew some girls,

but driving into
the caravan park,

it didn't look like
the kind of place

you'd have an orgy.

It looked like a field
with some old tents in it.

-Welcome to my world.
-Where are all these women?

-There's loads. Look around you.
-Where?

Everywhere. What about her?

[Simon] She's about 12, Jay.

She's older than that.
Believe me.

Christ! What sort of camp have
we come to?

-Here they come. Becky, Suzanne.
-Hi, Jay.

This is Simon
I was telling you about.

Hello.

Hello. Thanks for your text.
Nice car.

Thanks. It's not actually
from Hawaii,

it just says it on the back.

I like it. Are you guys coming
to the party later?

-Yeah, definitely.
-Great, I'll see you later.

That one has fucked everyone.

I've slung one up her
a few times myself.

And who exactly is everyone,
Jay?

That old man over there?
Has he had a go on her?

I promise you that when you
go back from this place

you beg your parents to buy a
caravan.

I'm not sure Neil's dad
could afford a caravan.

If he thought of it as a mobile
closet, he'd find the money.

-My dad's not bent.
-We only have your word.

-My dad's not bent.
-You would say that, though.

-Jay. Dinner's ready.
-All right then, dickheads,

Mum's made you tea,

so park up and I'll meet you
in the caravan.

Tea in a caravan.
I've finally hit rock bottom.

There you go, boys.

Some lovely salad
to go with your sausages.

-Thanks, Mrs. Cartwright.
-It's my pleasure.

[farting sounds emanating
from the toilet]

[farting sounds continue]

[poo splashes]

This is really delicious,
Mrs. Cartwright.

[toilet sounds continue]

Cool, crisps.
Have you got any ketchup?

[toilet splashes]

-Jesus Christ.
-My eyes are burning.

All right, boys? Are you coming
to the dance tonight, then?

Yes, Mr. Cartwright.

I've lined Simon up
with a girl, Dad.

Finally someone's going
to take advantage

of all the birds down here!

Jay's about as much use as a
nun's tits.

Leave him alone, Terry,
you're embarrassing him.

Delicious crisps,
Mrs. Cartwright.

Thanks, Will.

Yeah, she opened
the packet herself!

[laughs] Don't you boys
just love it out here?

Sense of freedom you don't get
with other holidays.

Right, we'd best be getting
ready, Dad. Maybe see you later.

Yeah, I'll be there.

Fighting the girls off
with a shitty stick! [laughs]

I don't think he'll need
that stick.

[Will] Looking back,
I should have realized

that Mr. Cartwright's
explosive bowels

were a sign of things to come.

So the big night was finally
here.

The Caravan Club disco
and all its delights

of the flesh

lay just inside a giant
garden shed.

As predicted, this is shit.

I drove all the way here
for this?

It's just getting started.
Give it a minute.

Aw! Tune!

[dance music playing]

He's actually quite good.

I'm going to get some hummus.

Your ride for the evening
is here.

Do you really think
she'll shag me?

Why do you think
they come here?

Fresh air?

That text was her way
of telling you it is on.

Shit, amazing.
I feel a bit weird, though,

because I always thought
I'd lose it with Carli.

Listen to me,
that bird Becky's an animal.

She'll fuck you till you're
blind and teach you all sorts.

When Carli finds out,
she's going to be two things:

jealous and wet, because
now she'll know you're a stud.

-You really think so?
-'Course.

Carli doesn't really fancy you,

so if you're waiting
to lose it with her,

you'll be waiting
until you're dead.

I think she likes me a bit.

No, she doesn't.
She thinks you're a twat.

Becky likes you,

and she likes sex.
It's the perfect combination.

Just don't go
for anal straightaway.

Okay. Thanks, man.

No problem. Look, here they
come. Don't worry,

I'll distract Fatty Boom Boom
with the buffet.

[Will] So, amazingly,

it looked like Simon
might actually pull.

If he could bring
himself to speak to her.

As for the rest of us,
I wasn't holding my breath.

I'd imagine
it's a sense of freedom

you don't get
with other holidays.

-Can I get you some more hummus?
-Delicious, thank you.

Why are you talking
to the pensioners?

Oh, just taking the piss.

-What, by eating hummus?
-Yeah.

Would you rather eat hummus
or take me somewhere quiet?

I think I'd rather take you
somewhere quiet.

Come over here then.

Sorry, I didn't catch your name.

I'm Will and I like hummus.
There, I've said it.

Will, two things.
For the next few hours,

I don't need you to be charming
or sophisticated

or even interesting.

Just be willing.

-Can you handle that?
-I think so.

Good. And second, kiss me.

Right, okay.

-What are you doing?
-I just need a moment.

I'm going to take you outside
and I want you to fuck me.

-Really?
-Yes, really.

Hang on,
we barely know each other.

We should get to know
each other first, shouldn't we?

I mean, come on, we're young,

let's have some fun

and then fall exhausted
into each other's arms.

I've got an idea. Did you ever
used to skid as a child?

I used to love it. Come on!
Let's skid!

Whoo!

Get your shoes off!
It's liberating!

Where are you going?

-Don't you want to skid?
-No.

What about our lovemaking?

Lovemaking?
Gone off it, sorry.

Oh.

Oi! My shoes!
Give me back my shoes!

[children giggling]

[Will] Somehow,
in three minutes

I'd gone
from guaranteed sex

to being bullied by
eight-year-olds,

and I'm still not entirely sure
how that happened.

All right, Dad? Thought you was
coming to the party?

-Yeah, I was.
-I popped my head in the door

and saw you chatting up
some fat bird,

so I didn't want
to cramp your style.

I was keeping her busy while
Simon was talking to her mate.

Don't be embarrassed, son.

If I was as bad
with the ladies as you,

I'd have moved
on to the fatties months ago.

Hello, Mr. Cartwright. Jay.

All right, Will?
You got any action?

Yeah, I pulled a girl, actually.

Fuck off. No way.

Where is she now, then?
Cleaning up her beaver for you?

Uh, no. She went off.

Plenty more fish in the sea.
Jay's harpooned himself a whale.

Give it a rest, Dad. I already
told you, it's not like that.

Yeah, and I told you not to be
so fussy and to get stuck in.

You're more likely to get
somewhere with a fatso,

because they're grateful
for the attention.

-Even from a loser like you.
-Dad.

They say any port in a storm,

and she was the size
of a fucking port!

I know what you're up to.

You think,
because she's so massive,

she'll count as two shags.

Well, she doesn't!
[chuckles]

-I get plenty of girls.
-No, you bloody don't.

And even if you did, what could
you do with that thing?

-It's like a McDonald's chip!
-Dad.

You take after your mum
in the cock-size department.

She ain't got one either!

Can you just leave me alone
for once?

Ohh!

All right, all right. Bloody
hell, he's just like his mum.

Make one little joke
and he has a shit fit!

Fuck this.

Are these the only toilets,
then?

Oh, God.

I'd give trap number two
a couple of minutes.

I had eggs for lunch.

-Shall we go outside, then?
-Yeah, all right.

Fucking hell!
Is this really happening?

I'm going to have sex, aren't I?

At last. Thanks for sorting
this, Jay.

Fill this up for me.

Thanks so much, mate.
Nice one.

Gotcha! [laughs obnoxiously]

Mr. Cartwright, you seem to be
splashing me a bit.

-Who stole your shoes?
-Just some kids.

Kids? You let them
get away with that?

Laughing at you while
you're standing in your piss?

I think it's mostly your piss.

Go and get them.
Show them who's boss.

Yeah, okay, I will.

[Terry farts]

Better out than in.

I'm going to go now, then.

[continues farting]

[music playing]

I'm curious, are you
subversively mocking this place

or are you actually enjoying
this hell?

I'm sorry, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

I've ripped my top!

Oh, God, sorry,
you just turn me on so much.

My parents will see this.

What the hell are you doing?

It's a condom.
I thought we should be safe.

Why have you got a condom on?

I'm not going
to have sex with you!

-You're not? But Jay said--
-Jay said what?

-He said...
-What? What did Jay say?

How's it feel to be a man, then?

You fucking liar. Shagged her
and her sister, have you?

-Loads of times, yeah?
-Untold.

Really?
She didn't seem that keen,

and her sister's 13 years old.

Well, I haven't actually shagged
her and her sister exactly,

but other similar girls.

Thanks for the condom.
I'll be lucky if I'm not on some

sort of pedophile register
by the end of the night.

Fuck, she's talking to her
parents. We'd better go.

-Where's Neil?
-Don't know and don't care.

Let's get out of here.
Will, we're off.

Will, come on.

Prick.

[Will] And just when
I thought things

couldn't get any worse,

I then had to spend a night
in a caravan

with Jay's dad and his
irritable bowel.

Thanks for your hospitality,
Mrs. Cartwright.

See you soon, Mr. Cartwright.

Cheers, lads. And Simon, don't
worry about that Becky business.

Her dad's calmed down now.
We were all your age once.

At least you had a pop,
unlike soppy bollocks here.

Um, thanks.

Don't mention it.

Just try not to rape anyone
on the way out!

I don't see why
I should ever talk to you again,

let alone give you a lift home.

You're just angry
because you didn't get laid.

Yeah, that's it.

Let's just get out of this dump.

Please, God, don't let me ever

have to come back
to a caravan park.

-All right?
-Where have you been?

I slept in the car.
Shall we go then?

Shotgun.

-My seat's a bit wet.
-Mine is, too.

Yeah, it's wet here as well.

Neil, did you wet yourself
in my new car?

-It's not really new.
-Did you wet yourself?

No. But I did have a bird back
in here.

-You fucked a girl in my car?
-No, it's too small.

Did a lot of fingering, though.
She wanked me off a few times.

[all exclaim in disgust]

-God!
-Get me out of here!

Neil!

-Bloody hell!
-Disgusting.

-[Simon] Thanks, Neil!
-Who was she, then?

Some sort of punky redhead.
She was nice.

She was mine!
Oh, God.

We can't stay here.

I'm not getting
in the spunkmobile.

-Clean it up, Neil.
-Why?

Because you have
spunked on my seats!

Oh, God, this weekend
has been a disaster.

One good thing is we've learned
the Caravan Club is shit

and that Jay is a liar.

I'm such a liar?
That Neil got some?

-No...
-Neil got some.

-You lied.
-Clean it up, Neil.

-It's your car.
-It's your spunk!

Some of it could be her juice.

-Did Neil get any?
-That's not the point.

-Yes or no, did Neil get some?
-You lie.

And I want petrol money.

-For what?
-For petrol! Money for petrol.

[Will] I'm not sure
what we learned

from this sorry episode,

apart from never take advice
from Jay...

-But Jay said--
-Jay said what?

...when you are offered sex,
don't skid...

Whoo!

...and never, never follow
Mr. Cartwright into the toilet.

My eyes are burning!

But as we stood arguing on
the side of the A2,

one thing was for sure.

Neil can produce
an unholy amount of spunk.

And I want this cleaned now.

No, it's in your car,
so it's yours.

So if I spunk on you,
that's yours, is it?

-No.
-You are fucking disgusting.

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