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Our next guest, dubbed
"The Rocky Mountain Rambo,"
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got tired of waiting himself,
so he traveled to Pakistan.
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How close did you
actually get to bin Laden?
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Tonight with Gary Faulkner.
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This is
Gary Faulkner. Good luck.
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Gary is an adventurer
who set his sites
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- on hunting Osama bin Laden.
- Gary Faulkner
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made headlines for traveling
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to Pakistan
to capture Osama bin Laden.
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Dateline 2004.
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Land... the lawless,
tribal region of Pakistan.
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Our story concerns
Gary Faulkner,
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a part-time construction worker
with bad kidneys
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and a full-time
American patriot,
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who, after years of watching
the United States
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00:01:05,980 --> 00:01:08,175
fruitlessly hunt
for Osama bin Laden,
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claimed he was visited by God
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and accepted a mission to find
and capture bin Laden himself.
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Armed with only a sword
and knife,
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Mr. Faulkner traveled to one
of the most dangerous places
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on the planet
to bring bin Laden to justice.
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Here I come!
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As strange as it is compelling,
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this is a true story,
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or a story that has truth in it,
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or maybe... elements of truth.
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Gee, pretty boy,
your time has come.
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The G has arrived.
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Like most stories,
ours began long ago,
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when the hero was but a boy.
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Take that, twerp.
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Don't come around here anymore.
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Hello, Gary.
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What ails you, my child?
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Did those heathen brutes
just burst your balloon?
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Children can be
real pricks sometimes.
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Gary, see that kid there?
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In a few years time,
the guilt he accumulates
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from committing this kind
of bullying will lead
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to him becoming a horrible
crystal meth addict,
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and he's gonna die
in a meth deal gone bad.
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Shit happens, Gary.
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Crying about it
don't do any good.
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But this, Gary...
this is your sword that
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I give onto thee,
and as long as you behold it,
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you need never fear any man.
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You are special.
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I choose you
to wield this sword,
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and as long as
it's in your possession,
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you need never know fear again.
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Hello?
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Hey, Gary, it's Pickles.
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Pickles, wow!
What's up, man?
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Glad you called,
I need a place to crash.
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I've been crashing
at the job site.
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Gary has been
described as everything
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from a hero to a crackpot.
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Dr. Jonathan Boudin
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of the Denver Clinic
for Psychiatric Care
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told us that Gary, quote,
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"does not suffer
from psychosis, paranoia,
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or schizophrenia."
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Clinically speaking,
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he's as sane as you or me.
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But you be the judge.
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Worst part of having this
bad kidney,
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getting dialysis
three times a week
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is they won't let me
eat chicken wings.
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Man, this country makes
the best goddamn chicken wings
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in the world.
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Now, I haven't seen
the whole world,
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I haven't tasted chicken wings
in Africa,
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but I'd be willing to bet the
right ball on a broke-dick dog
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that no place makes better wings
than they do here.
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Some other reasons America's
the best country ever,
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fastest cars.
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Now, some douche nugget
pointed out
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that the ltalians
and the Germans
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make faster rides on account
of their Ferraris,
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and their Mercedes.
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Well, I'm talking about
non-fascist automobiles.
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Also, I'm pretty sure
more people kick ass here
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than in any other country.
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I mean, some people claim
that you can't quantify
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kick-assedness.
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Those are usually people who's
asses have been recently kicked.
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What is crazy?
I mean, is crazy bad?
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Wasn't it crazy to believe
all men were created equal?
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Wasn't it crazy to
believe in life, liberty...
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From the first moment,
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Gary made clear
that he would not fit
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with anyone's expectations.
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And refused to believe
he was destined
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for anything other
than greatness.
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As he continually told those
around him,
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"You have to think crazy,
to accomplish crazy things."
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I don't know, but I once got
a fortune cookie that said,
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" In boldness,
there is greatness,"
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and I believe that fortune
cookie was correct.
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I can't stand foreign beer.
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Anybody that drinks foreign beer
or foreign whiskey
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should be shot as a traitor.
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- Come on.
- That's what we love about you, Gary, man.
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It's hard to be down around you.
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- I got to piss.
- Idiots!
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Reports that U.S. forces
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have been very close
to capturing bin Laden,
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but that was about
three years ago.
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We intend, fully intend,
to-to find him.
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We don't know
where Osama bin Laden, um, is.
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Government clowns.
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The hunt for bin Laden
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has been a cold well
for a long time.
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They're botching up the plan
to get bin Laden!
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Look, I know I'm a Leo,
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but it's easier for a mouse
to get into a castle
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than it is for a lion.
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I'd go in there,
and I'd boost that fucker
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right out from underneath their noses.
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Hey, buddy.
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You think you could do
a better job over there?
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Is that what you're saying?
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Oh, you're a Marine.
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- I am a Marine.
- Well, that's awesome.
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Listen, I really appreciate what
you boys are doing over there,
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and I understand
the price of freedom,
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the sacrifice, but look,
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you've got your program,
and I got mine, that's all.
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But l-let me buy you a drink.
What do you have?
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What are you gonna pay
for that with?
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Your unemployment check?
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Oh.
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Gary... Gary...
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Just let it go.
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Quick contest, Semper fi.
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Let's throw this knife
across the room
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over to that dart board.
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You get closest
to the bull's-eye,
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I'll buy everyone
in this bar a drink, okay?
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I get closest, you buy me
a drink and you apologize
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for being a dick.
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Yeah, you're on.
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Pretty good.
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Sometimes when people get close
to the bull's-eye,
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they get a little cocky.
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Sure hope that isn't gonna be
your problem.
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Yeah.
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Knight the kings.
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Oh!
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Goddamn it, Gary, not again!
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The blade missed
most of Roy's tendons.
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And, like the previous
three times,
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he was soon back at the bar
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with little more
than a bruised ego.
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Why would you buy a showerhead
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from a country
that doesn't take showers?
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Don't buy that toilet,
that toilet was made in Africa.
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Pygmies made that toilet
and they take small shits.
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Your turd, your potty,
your poo, as it were,
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won't make it past the flusher.
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Yoo-hoo.
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No, seriously,
why would you buy a faucet
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from a country in the midst
of a drought?
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I don't know what
you're putting up,
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but that ain't gonna hold it.
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I want you to trust me
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because I'm probably the only
person in this whole store
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that'll tell you the truth.
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Now, if you need anything at
all, you call me.
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I'm Gary Faulkner,
your go-to handyman.
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Oh, what...
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Gary Faulkner.
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Marci Mitchell.
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Oh, my God!
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I cannot believe it!
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You look great.
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You look great.
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I had so many fantasies
about you in high school.
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I must've gone through
about 100 boxes of Kleenex.
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That is disgusting,
but I'll take it.
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- Why would you...
- Because I always had a crush on you.
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What've you been doing
all these years?
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Oh, my life is boring.
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Uh, you know...
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- went in and out of community college,
- Uh-huh.
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And then, you know, now I work
at The Olive Garden.
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Olive Garden, that's a great
restaurant. Well, good.
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- I answer phones at a dentist office.
- Uh-huh.
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- Calligraphy on the side.
- Calligraphy?
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For wedding invitations,
stuff like that.
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Dating only idiots.
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Uh, 'cause that...
those are the kinds of people
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- that can spend time with me, with my schedule.
- Uh-huh.
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- You know, losers that have nothing else to do.
- Yeah.
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Um...
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You remember my sister Carrie?
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Sure, yeah, she made you look
like a girl scout.
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Uh... well, she,
she passed away.
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And, uh, she OD'd
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00:09:19,260 --> 00:09:21,694
in Colorado Springs,
like, eight years ago.
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Wow, that's...
I'm-I'm sorry, that's...
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- She got really bad into drugs and, uh..
- I'm sorry.
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Yeah.
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Had a kid with her dealer 'cause
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that's a... kind of stupid
decision you make, but, um...
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And what happened to the kid?
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I adopted her.
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00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:38,572
- Oh.
- Lizzie, she's my little princess.
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00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:41,612
She's, like... all I have
in the world, so...
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- Oh, that's awesome!
- Yeah.
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00:09:43,380 --> 00:09:45,340
- I got to keep it together because of her.
- Wow.
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00:09:45,380 --> 00:09:47,556
- And, uh, it's why I'm working three jobs, that I...
- Yeah.
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00:09:47,580 --> 00:09:48,729
Hate.
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00:09:48,860 --> 00:09:50,213
Well, I'll drink to that.
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00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:51,740
Well, I don't
do that anymore, so...
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00:09:51,860 --> 00:09:53,339
- No. Shit!
- I don't do that.
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00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:56,054
Only making good decisions.
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00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:58,250
Hey, listen, do you want
to get an ice cream sundae
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00:09:58,420 --> 00:09:59,535
with me tonight?
220
00:09:59,660 --> 00:10:01,218
Let's have ice cream.
221
00:10:01,380 --> 00:10:02,495
- Great.
- Not tonight.
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00:10:02,620 --> 00:10:04,292
- Okay.
- I can't do it tonight.
223
00:10:04,420 --> 00:10:06,456
- But tomorrow night?
- Great.
224
00:10:06,580 --> 00:10:09,219
We're gonna have ice cream,
but you have to find me.
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00:10:09,340 --> 00:10:11,695
Listen, you still got
that awesome tattoo?
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00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:18,979
Yes!
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00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:20,328
I'll find you.
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00:10:23,020 --> 00:10:26,933
They don't call me
the psychic wizard for nothing.
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00:10:29,260 --> 00:10:30,860
In the past five years,
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00:10:30,940 --> 00:10:32,612
it appears that Osama bin Laden
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00:10:32,740 --> 00:10:34,253
and billions of American dollars
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00:10:34,380 --> 00:10:35,813
have all but disappeared
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00:10:35,940 --> 00:10:38,090
into the mountains
of western Pakistan.
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00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:40,660
I'm serious, Pickles, we
got to get on this immediately!
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00:10:40,780 --> 00:10:42,850
No waiting, no hesitating!
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00:10:42,980 --> 00:10:44,652
Got to get on this
right fucking now!
237
00:10:44,780 --> 00:10:46,338
What the fuck is going on, man?
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00:10:46,460 --> 00:10:47,939
Did you see that shit?
239
00:10:48,060 --> 00:10:49,996
No, I didn't see... Gary, look,
listen to me, -What?
240
00:10:50,020 --> 00:10:51,976
You got to stop with
the noise, okay?
241
00:10:52,140 --> 00:10:53,368
We can't deal with it anymore,
242
00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:55,092
we can't sleep back there.
243
00:10:55,220 --> 00:10:56,016
You've been here
for three months.
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00:10:56,140 --> 00:10:57,016
You got to get a job,
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00:10:57,140 --> 00:10:58,356
you got to get out of here, man.
246
00:10:58,380 --> 00:10:59,580
W-What... so? I'm sorry, okay?
247
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:00,820
I'll quiet down. What is it?
248
00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,695
I love you, but you got to
get out of here, man.
249
00:11:04,860 --> 00:11:07,454
- Oh!
- You got to go.
250
00:11:07,580 --> 00:11:09,620
You got to find a different
couch to sleep on, okay?
251
00:11:09,780 --> 00:11:12,248
- Come on.
- I'm sorry, I'll, uh...
252
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,495
Well, look, I'll...
253
00:11:13,660 --> 00:11:14,775
let me just, uh...
254
00:11:14,900 --> 00:11:16,333
if I can just finish tonight...
255
00:11:16,460 --> 00:11:17,860
- Yeah, just...
- and I'll clean up.
256
00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:19,572
Yeah, just stay here tonight,
it's fine.
257
00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:21,596
Thank you, buddy. Okay. -She's
trying to sleep, all right?
258
00:11:21,620 --> 00:11:22,756
Hey, you remember what
tomorrow is, right?
259
00:11:22,780 --> 00:11:24,850
- What?
- Dialysis.
260
00:11:24,980 --> 00:11:25,776
- Oh, right, yeah.
- Dialysis, all right.
261
00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:27,777
Yeah, I remember now.
Thanks, Pickles.
262
00:11:27,900 --> 00:11:29,652
So, tomorrow you're out.
263
00:11:29,780 --> 00:11:32,089
It is said that on a cold day
264
00:11:32,260 --> 00:11:33,534
in Valley Forge,
265
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,651
George Washington talked to God
266
00:11:35,780 --> 00:11:38,419
as young Americans died
on the battlefield.
267
00:11:38,540 --> 00:11:40,531
Abraham Lincoln
talked to God daily.
268
00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:43,811
But Gary did them one better.
269
00:11:45,220 --> 00:11:47,370
Hello, Gary.
270
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:50,537
Holy shit.
271
00:11:50,660 --> 00:11:53,094
Yes, I take a holy shit
every day.
272
00:11:53,220 --> 00:11:54,414
God?
273
00:11:54,540 --> 00:11:56,098
Well, Gary, I have many names.
274
00:11:56,220 --> 00:11:58,654
But God's kind of catchy,
don't you think?
275
00:11:58,780 --> 00:12:01,692
But you're the one true God?
Who created the universe?
276
00:12:01,820 --> 00:12:03,299
Yeah, more or less,
277
00:12:03,460 --> 00:12:05,276
but let's not dwell on that
cosmic shit right now.
278
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:06,858
I've got a favor
to ask you, Gary.
279
00:12:06,980 --> 00:12:08,698
A favor?
280
00:12:08,820 --> 00:12:10,676
A tiny, little favor that
I'd like you, Gary Faulkner,
281
00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:11,815
to do for me.
282
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:13,055
Of course.
283
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:17,533
I'm calling it a favor
to be compassionate,
284
00:12:17,660 --> 00:12:19,059
and kind, and nice.
285
00:12:19,180 --> 00:12:23,253
It's more like a command really.
286
00:12:23,380 --> 00:12:24,495
You understand?
287
00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:25,655
I do.
288
00:12:25,780 --> 00:12:27,008
Okay, cool.
289
00:12:27,140 --> 00:12:29,449
I need you to go over
to Pakistan
290
00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:32,697
and capture that son of a bitch
Osama bin Laden for me.
291
00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:34,014
OBL?
292
00:12:34,140 --> 00:12:35,539
He's got to be taken down.
293
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:38,009
He pulled that 9/11 shit
and fucked me right over.
294
00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:40,290
Now he's got to pay the price.
295
00:12:40,420 --> 00:12:42,615
No one else seems
to be able to do it, Gary.
296
00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:44,332
And my patience
is getting wafer thin.
297
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:47,253
Capture bin Laden?
298
00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:49,331
Capture him,
bring him back alive though.
299
00:12:49,460 --> 00:12:52,020
Remember, thou shall not kill.
300
00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:53,539
So we're good?
301
00:12:53,660 --> 00:12:55,836
You'll go to Pakistan and
capture Osama bin Laden for me.
302
00:12:55,860 --> 00:12:57,339
Perfect.
303
00:12:57,460 --> 00:12:59,530
Oh, just so you know, Gary,
this is probably it.
304
00:12:59,660 --> 00:13:01,810
I've got no plans
to ever speak to you again,
305
00:13:01,940 --> 00:13:03,612
but I am everywhere, you know?
306
00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:05,810
All knowing, all seeing.
307
00:13:05,980 --> 00:13:07,493
Which, by the way,
isn't as much fun
308
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,292
as it's cracked up to be.
309
00:13:12,460 --> 00:13:14,849
Wait. What do you mean?
310
00:13:16,740 --> 00:13:18,253
Dr. Jones to ER.
311
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,496
Dr. Jones to ER.
312
00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:34,494
Oh, my God.
313
00:13:34,620 --> 00:13:36,019
How did you find me?
314
00:13:36,180 --> 00:13:37,898
I don't want to say I'm psychic,
315
00:13:38,020 --> 00:13:39,294
but if the shoe fits.
316
00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:42,493
Well, get in here.
317
00:13:42,620 --> 00:13:44,116
Oh, I want
to introduce you to Lizzie.
318
00:13:44,140 --> 00:13:45,860
She's got some challenges.
She doesn't talk.
319
00:13:45,980 --> 00:13:47,333
Oh, yeah.
320
00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:49,156
Well, you know, everybody talks,
321
00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:51,196
but only the real smart ones
don't use their mouths,
322
00:13:51,220 --> 00:13:52,335
right, Lizzie?
323
00:13:52,460 --> 00:13:53,876
Oh, and you have got
324
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:55,219
a killer smile.
325
00:13:55,340 --> 00:13:56,956
Which can be used both
as a friendly thing
326
00:13:56,980 --> 00:13:59,236
and also as a weapon, which I'm
sure you're already aware of.
327
00:13:59,260 --> 00:14:01,171
Nonetheless, it's great to
finally meet you.
328
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:02,653
Lizzie...
329
00:14:02,780 --> 00:14:04,930
have you got a power animal?
330
00:14:05,060 --> 00:14:06,778
Like a spirit animal?
331
00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:08,094
Like a guide?
I'll bet you do.
332
00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:09,858
See, mine's the donkey.
333
00:14:09,980 --> 00:14:13,529
Now, my dad used to call me
a jackass when I was a kid.
334
00:14:13,660 --> 00:14:15,298
And at first I thought
it was an insult,
335
00:14:15,420 --> 00:14:16,899
and then I realized
it's a compliment
336
00:14:17,020 --> 00:14:18,851
because jackasses are true,
hardworking
337
00:14:18,980 --> 00:14:20,538
and loyal.
338
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,013
Now, what's your power animal?
339
00:14:23,460 --> 00:14:24,495
Oh!
340
00:14:24,620 --> 00:14:25,973
The seagull, good choice!
341
00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:27,516
Butterscotch or chocolate?
342
00:14:27,540 --> 00:14:29,815
I'm a butterscotch man myself,
343
00:14:29,980 --> 00:14:31,538
but I can go either way.
344
00:14:31,660 --> 00:14:32,916
Just like to make sure
everybody's happy
345
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:34,419
with the sundaes and stuff.
346
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,770
Butterscotch, goddamn it!
347
00:14:36,900 --> 00:14:39,095
Looks like I'm having
chocolate again.
348
00:14:39,220 --> 00:14:42,610
And I think I remember you like
the mint chocolate chip.
349
00:14:42,740 --> 00:14:44,219
How the hell
did you remember that?
350
00:14:44,340 --> 00:14:45,898
Mind like a steel trap.
351
00:14:47,260 --> 00:14:49,899
You and Osama bin Laden?
352
00:14:50,020 --> 00:14:52,090
How does that work?
What-what's your plan?
353
00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:53,676
Well, okay, you see,
that right off the bat
354
00:14:53,700 --> 00:14:55,611
is a bit of a misnomer
'cause it's not my plan,
355
00:14:55,740 --> 00:14:56,934
it's God's plan.
356
00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:59,335
I didn't make the rules,
God did.
357
00:14:59,460 --> 00:15:00,939
But the plan is
358
00:15:01,060 --> 00:15:03,779
I'm thinking about buying a boat
and sailing to Pakistan...
359
00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:06,414
- "Sailing to Pakistan?"
- Yeah, I was gonna...
360
00:15:06,540 --> 00:15:08,236
go to San Diego, buy a boat,
sail to Pakistan,
361
00:15:08,260 --> 00:15:09,693
capture Osama bin Laden,
362
00:15:09,820 --> 00:15:11,596
bring him back to America
for justice and stuff.
363
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:13,716
That's the plan... it's pretty
simple when you think about it.
364
00:15:13,740 --> 00:15:16,095
That's crazy.
365
00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:19,338
Sometimes,
366
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,451
things are so sane
367
00:15:21,580 --> 00:15:24,572
they are beyond
our comprehension...
368
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:26,213
Do you know anything
about sailing?
369
00:15:26,340 --> 00:15:27,898
Marci!
370
00:15:28,020 --> 00:15:29,373
You're so funny!
371
00:15:29,540 --> 00:15:32,213
The pirates did it,
the Pilgrims did it,
372
00:15:32,340 --> 00:15:34,376
and they weren't even
21 st century guys.
373
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,456
I'm a 21 st century guy!
374
00:15:36,580 --> 00:15:39,811
Gary, boats are
very expensive, right?
375
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:41,419
Do you have that kind of money?
376
00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:42,893
I got a little tucked away.
377
00:15:43,020 --> 00:15:44,738
You'd be surprised
how much you can save
378
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:46,556
when you don't pay your bills
and you live on job sites.
379
00:15:46,580 --> 00:15:49,731
Uh, things get
particularly "traumaticals,"
380
00:15:49,860 --> 00:15:51,657
I can ask Dr. Ross,
who's my kidney doctor,
381
00:15:51,780 --> 00:15:53,036
and he always has
some money around
382
00:15:53,060 --> 00:15:54,778
to give to a worthy cause.
383
00:15:54,940 --> 00:15:57,500
And I'm thinking about taking
Roy and Pickles with me to Vegas
384
00:15:57,620 --> 00:15:59,451
to make a little
extra cash for my trip.
385
00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:03,376
You see, I'm doing this
386
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:04,899
for people like you and Lizzie,
387
00:16:05,020 --> 00:16:07,739
to bring the fight
into his backyard,
388
00:16:07,860 --> 00:16:09,134
to bring the fight to him,
389
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,933
so he doesn't come
into our backyard.
390
00:16:12,060 --> 00:16:13,573
Well, walk me through it.
391
00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:15,516
What are you gonna do,
just fight him and kill him?
392
00:16:15,540 --> 00:16:17,178
No, no, that would be too easy.
393
00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:18,819
And I was told to capture him.
394
00:16:18,940 --> 00:16:21,295
And I-I don't want
to kill anyone, anyway.
395
00:16:21,420 --> 00:16:23,615
I think I would just...
kill him,
396
00:16:23,740 --> 00:16:24,855
on the spot, you know?
397
00:16:24,980 --> 00:16:26,254
I mean, not face-to-face,
398
00:16:26,380 --> 00:16:27,796
I don't want to see him
face-to-face,
399
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,253
but from far away, definitely.
400
00:16:29,380 --> 00:16:30,820
Yeah, well,
if it comes down to that,
401
00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:32,618
then I'll drop a gun
in front of him
402
00:16:32,740 --> 00:16:34,492
I'll drop a gun in front of me,
403
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:36,451
and we'll draw, fair and square,
404
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:37,979
Old West style.
405
00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:47,316
Your ramp is a piece of shit.
406
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,058
I know.
407
00:16:49,180 --> 00:16:51,535
I-I can't afford to have it
fixed right now, so...
408
00:16:51,660 --> 00:16:54,299
You and Lizzie...
409
00:16:54,460 --> 00:16:57,099
you deserve better.
410
00:17:00,740 --> 00:17:02,537
Good night, Gary.
411
00:17:02,660 --> 00:17:04,013
Night.
412
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:13,495
Yah! Eh-yah-eh!
413
00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:16,180
Cha! Eh-yah-eh!
414
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:17,653
Yah!
415
00:17:17,780 --> 00:17:18,929
What the fuck?
416
00:17:19,060 --> 00:17:20,175
You're awful pretty
417
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,415
first thing in the morning.
418
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:24,134
I consider that a positive sign!
419
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:26,490
Well, you look like shit.
420
00:17:26,660 --> 00:17:28,013
And you got a sense of humor,
421
00:17:28,140 --> 00:17:30,096
'cause I know that's not true.
422
00:17:30,220 --> 00:17:31,573
Hey, listen.
These are my buddies,
423
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:33,497
Roy...
424
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,133
- Good morning.
- Pickles...
425
00:17:35,260 --> 00:17:36,956
- How are you?
- Two of the nicest dudes you'll ever meet.
426
00:17:36,980 --> 00:17:38,891
I... thank you
427
00:17:39,020 --> 00:17:40,135
for what you're doing,
428
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:41,516
but, you know, it's really early
429
00:17:41,540 --> 00:17:42,820
and Lizzie's still asleep, so...
430
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:44,116
Now, listen,
when we're finished,
431
00:17:44,140 --> 00:17:45,396
you're gonna have
a brand-new ramp
432
00:17:45,420 --> 00:17:46,739
and it's gonna be the envy
433
00:17:46,860 --> 00:17:48,436
of every crippled kid
in the neighborhood.
434
00:17:48,460 --> 00:17:49,916
We don't say "cripple."
She's challenged.
435
00:17:49,940 --> 00:17:51,817
Oh. You mean like us guys.
436
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:53,771
Yeah.
437
00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:55,049
Um...
438
00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:56,499
Thank you.
439
00:17:56,620 --> 00:17:57,876
How much... how much
do I owe you for this?
440
00:17:57,900 --> 00:17:59,856
Marci Mitchell, not a dime.
441
00:17:59,980 --> 00:18:01,459
That little girl
deserves the best.
442
00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:04,253
But it might just cost you
a whole lot of love.
443
00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:07,732
Well, um...
444
00:18:07,860 --> 00:18:10,818
- I might be a little short this month.
- Ooh.
445
00:18:10,940 --> 00:18:12,578
See, now there's
that smile again.
446
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,850
That smile is something
447
00:18:14,980 --> 00:18:16,260
I'm gonna be thinking
a lot about
448
00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:17,540
while I'm sailing to Pakistan.
449
00:18:17,620 --> 00:18:19,053
You are glowing,
450
00:18:19,180 --> 00:18:20,295
Marci Mitchell.
451
00:18:20,460 --> 00:18:22,132
You are radioactive.
452
00:18:22,260 --> 00:18:24,899
You are my lucky charm.
453
00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:30,376
I'm telling you, it was God.
454
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:32,809
Like, Old Testament,
New Testament Lord on high.
455
00:18:32,940 --> 00:18:34,500
He came to my bedside
in the free clinic
456
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:35,774
and he told me to do this.
457
00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:37,180
And I know you guys
are skeptics.
458
00:18:37,220 --> 00:18:38,414
Pickles, I know you're, like,
459
00:18:38,540 --> 00:18:40,576
quasi-Buddhist backslash
Senecan stoic,
460
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,196
but I'm telling you it was God,
he spoke to me,
461
00:18:42,220 --> 00:18:43,812
and I gotta do this!
462
00:18:43,940 --> 00:18:45,168
Hey, man, we're not arguing.
463
00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:47,450
We love Vegas.
464
00:18:47,580 --> 00:18:49,156
Hey, Gary, we were wondering:
what did God look like?
465
00:18:49,180 --> 00:18:51,330
About how you'd imagine.
Maybe a little younger.
466
00:18:51,460 --> 00:18:53,196
That's weird, I always thought
he would've looked like
467
00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:54,653
Phil Donahue
or someone like that.
468
00:18:54,780 --> 00:18:56,116
I always thought
he'd be, like, a lion
469
00:18:56,140 --> 00:18:57,476
with, like,
James Earl Jones' voice.
470
00:18:57,500 --> 00:18:58,649
Mm, that's cool.
471
00:18:58,780 --> 00:19:00,293
Hey, what did God say
we should play?
472
00:19:00,460 --> 00:19:01,734
You play whatever you want.
473
00:19:01,860 --> 00:19:03,420
This is God's house,
it's like a church.
474
00:19:03,460 --> 00:19:04,575
We can't lose.
475
00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:07,818
Come on, red!
476
00:19:07,940 --> 00:19:09,976
Oh!
477
00:19:13,980 --> 00:19:15,413
- Go.
- Let 'em come.
478
00:19:18,260 --> 00:19:20,216
Oh!
479
00:19:23,540 --> 00:19:25,337
Uh...
480
00:19:25,460 --> 00:19:26,939
I don't know, I think...
481
00:19:27,060 --> 00:19:28,660
I'm all right.
I'm all right right there.
482
00:19:28,740 --> 00:19:30,556
- No. Gary, come on.
- No, no, no. No, no. Don't do it.
483
00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:32,775
Oh! Oh!
484
00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:34,413
You did it!
485
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:36,690
He's my friend.
He is my friend.
486
00:19:36,820 --> 00:19:37,935
- And he is lucky.
- Hey.
487
00:19:38,060 --> 00:19:39,379
Are you smoking marijuana?
488
00:19:39,540 --> 00:19:41,132
No shit, Einstein.
489
00:19:41,260 --> 00:19:42,780
You think I might be
smoking some weed?
490
00:19:42,860 --> 00:19:44,076
Uh, you need to put
that out right now
491
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:45,533
or we're gonna call the cops.
492
00:19:45,660 --> 00:19:48,697
Oh, you're gonna call the cops
on The G.
493
00:19:51,340 --> 00:19:53,410
All right.
Don't be a buzzkill.
494
00:19:53,540 --> 00:19:54,655
Get out of my sight.
495
00:20:13,180 --> 00:20:17,139
Man, I been seeing
you shitheads all night.
496
00:20:17,260 --> 00:20:18,659
What the holy hell do you want?
497
00:20:21,740 --> 00:20:24,095
What do a bunch of
Columbian drug lords
498
00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:26,131
care about Al-Qaeda anyway?
499
00:20:32,900 --> 00:20:34,094
Yeah, right.
500
00:20:34,260 --> 00:20:37,172
This ain't my first rodeo,
hombre.
501
00:20:47,740 --> 00:20:49,617
And what if I don't?
502
00:20:58,740 --> 00:21:00,093
Ow!
503
00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:01,699
Hey, man...
504
00:21:03,460 --> 00:21:04,939
Ow!
505
00:21:27,220 --> 00:21:30,212
Those Columbians stole
all my money!
506
00:21:30,340 --> 00:21:31,773
Wait, wait, wait.
What Columbians?
507
00:21:31,900 --> 00:21:33,572
The drug ones!
508
00:21:33,740 --> 00:21:35,139
What are you talking about, man?
509
00:21:35,260 --> 00:21:37,020
You lost your money
at the tables last night.
510
00:21:37,140 --> 00:21:38,396
Yeah, man, you should've quit
while were you ahead.
511
00:21:38,420 --> 00:21:40,695
- You fucked up.
- No!
512
00:21:40,820 --> 00:21:42,276
You guys want to hit
the breakfast buffet?
513
00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:44,370
Ah!
514
00:21:45,580 --> 00:21:46,854
Nurse Taylor,
515
00:21:46,980 --> 00:21:48,572
how is Dr. Ross today?
516
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:51,055
Is he feeling in a good mood?
He's happy?
517
00:21:51,180 --> 00:21:52,374
- Chipper?
- Oh, yeah.
518
00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:53,933
- Oh, good.
- It's a golf day.
519
00:21:54,060 --> 00:21:55,209
Yes. Golf day, yes.
520
00:21:56,740 --> 00:21:57,956
Everything's looking good, Gary.
521
00:21:57,980 --> 00:21:59,129
Excellent.
522
00:21:59,260 --> 00:22:00,534
- Gary!
- Dr. Ross, hi.
523
00:22:00,660 --> 00:22:01,940
How you feeling?
Good to see you.
524
00:22:02,100 --> 00:22:03,156
- Yeah, you, too.
- How have you been feeling?
525
00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:04,454
Uh, yeah, good.
526
00:22:04,580 --> 00:22:06,616
Good. Listen, uh...
Nurse Taylor, is...
527
00:22:06,740 --> 00:22:08,298
Dr. Ross, is it okay
if I just, uh,
528
00:22:08,420 --> 00:22:09,956
- talk with you in private for a minute?
- Absolutely.
529
00:22:09,980 --> 00:22:11,095
Oh, thank you.
530
00:22:11,220 --> 00:22:12,539
- Excuse me.
- Thank you.
531
00:22:12,660 --> 00:22:13,996
I can't believe
you're still alive.
532
00:22:14,020 --> 00:22:15,373
Your blood work is amazing.
533
00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:17,536
Thank you so...
Well, it's because of you.
534
00:22:17,700 --> 00:22:19,179
You and your care for me.
535
00:22:19,300 --> 00:22:21,256
You've kept me afloat
with my kidney problem,
536
00:22:21,380 --> 00:22:23,530
you helped me with my
pre-dialysis hallucinations...
537
00:22:23,660 --> 00:22:25,116
The other thing I want to say
to you, Dr. Ross...
538
00:22:25,140 --> 00:22:27,256
in many ways, I feel like
you're a brother to me.
539
00:22:27,380 --> 00:22:29,220
- Thank you.
- I really care so much about you.
540
00:22:29,260 --> 00:22:31,535
Because you care.
You're a good man.
541
00:22:31,660 --> 00:22:33,890
You're a charitable man.
And you care about
542
00:22:34,020 --> 00:22:35,738
what's going on in our country.
543
00:22:35,860 --> 00:22:37,498
I've got a charity
544
00:22:37,620 --> 00:22:40,180
- that I would like to maybe ask you to invest in.
- Okay.
545
00:22:40,300 --> 00:22:42,476
- All right.
- 'Cause I know you take that stuff seriously.
546
00:22:42,500 --> 00:22:45,333
I'm going to sail to Pakistan.
547
00:22:45,460 --> 00:22:47,371
I'm gonna capture
Osama bin Laden
548
00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,076
and bring him back to America
for justice and stuff,
549
00:22:49,100 --> 00:22:50,316
- 'cause I think...
- I'm sorry,
550
00:22:50,340 --> 00:22:51,455
say that again?
551
00:22:51,580 --> 00:22:53,059
I'm gonna go get Osama bin Laden
552
00:22:53,180 --> 00:22:54,579
out of Pakistan and I want
553
00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:56,531
to keep you safe, I want to keep
554
00:22:56,660 --> 00:22:58,855
America safe and, frankly,
I want to keep me safe.
555
00:22:58,980 --> 00:23:00,916
- What are you talking about?
- What I'm talking about
556
00:23:00,940 --> 00:23:02,692
is that I-I-I-I'm gonna
buy a sailboat
557
00:23:02,820 --> 00:23:05,340
and I thought maybe... 'cause my
dance card is a little light...
558
00:23:05,460 --> 00:23:07,690
that maybe you could
loan me a thousand bucks,
559
00:23:07,820 --> 00:23:09,458
because I-I don't,
it's a little light,
560
00:23:09,580 --> 00:23:11,218
and I'll pay you back,
$250 a week,
561
00:23:11,340 --> 00:23:14,537
and then we can take care of
this Al-Qaeda issue together.
562
00:23:14,660 --> 00:23:16,730
- A sailboat.
- Yeah, to go to Pakistan
563
00:23:16,860 --> 00:23:18,816
to capture, uh, bin Laden.
564
00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:21,500
What do you really
want the money for?
565
00:23:22,900 --> 00:23:24,299
Are you in some kind of trouble?
566
00:23:24,420 --> 00:23:25,614
Oh...
567
00:23:25,740 --> 00:23:26,855
I lied.
568
00:23:27,020 --> 00:23:28,692
- Yes.
- I'm sorry.
569
00:23:28,820 --> 00:23:30,139
That's a crazy story.
570
00:23:30,260 --> 00:23:31,476
I mean, how can you sail
a boat to Pakistan?
571
00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:33,013
I mean, if you stop dialysis,
572
00:23:33,140 --> 00:23:34,396
you're gonna start
hallucinating.
573
00:23:34,420 --> 00:23:35,535
No, uh...
574
00:23:35,660 --> 00:23:37,332
Uh, I...
575
00:23:37,460 --> 00:23:38,575
Oh, it's humiliating.
576
00:23:38,740 --> 00:23:40,810
Dr. Ross...
577
00:23:40,940 --> 00:23:43,090
there's a girl I-I really love.
578
00:23:43,220 --> 00:23:46,098
And, uh, I can't afford
the engagement ring.
579
00:23:46,220 --> 00:23:47,619
There's one
for a thousand bucks,
580
00:23:47,740 --> 00:23:49,220
and I wanted to get her
a diamond ring
581
00:23:49,340 --> 00:23:51,490
so that I could get engaged.
582
00:23:55,620 --> 00:23:56,735
Okay.
583
00:23:56,860 --> 00:23:58,771
Oh, bless your heart, Dr. Ross.
584
00:23:58,900 --> 00:24:01,130
- Y-You're telling me the truth now?
- Absolutely.
585
00:24:01,300 --> 00:24:02,876
You're not gonna get on a boat
and sail to Pakistan?
586
00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:04,333
No.
587
00:24:04,460 --> 00:24:05,529
Osama bin Laden.
588
00:24:05,660 --> 00:24:07,491
Me? Look at me. Wrong.
589
00:24:07,620 --> 00:24:09,815
- I got dialysis problems.
- Yeah, that's why
590
00:24:09,980 --> 00:24:11,436
I was wondering,
how would you do dialysis
591
00:24:11,460 --> 00:24:13,178
if you were on a boat
sailing to Pakistan?
592
00:24:13,300 --> 00:24:14,516
- I couldn't do it.
- You couldn't do it.
593
00:24:14,540 --> 00:24:15,939
I wouldn't be able do it, man.
594
00:24:16,060 --> 00:24:17,379
I'll go get my checkbook.
595
00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:20,139
- I'll be right back.
- Yeah!
596
00:24:20,260 --> 00:24:21,375
Yeah!
597
00:24:31,500 --> 00:24:33,775
Hey, man, I don't want to...
I don't want to be that guy,
598
00:24:33,900 --> 00:24:35,618
but, um...
599
00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:37,776
I'm pretty sure
you can't sail to Pakistan.
600
00:24:37,900 --> 00:24:41,051
Yeah, well, they told George
Washington the same thing.
601
00:24:41,180 --> 00:24:42,738
They told
George Washington he...
602
00:24:42,860 --> 00:24:44,620
I-I'm pretty sure
they told George Washington
603
00:24:44,700 --> 00:24:46,276
he couldn't cut down
a tree or something.
604
00:24:46,300 --> 00:24:48,860
It's just a figure of speech.
605
00:24:48,980 --> 00:24:50,698
Look, I'm just saying,
dude, like,
606
00:24:50,820 --> 00:24:52,173
have you looked at a globe?
607
00:24:52,300 --> 00:24:54,416
- It's kind of a long way to go...
- Ah.
608
00:24:54,540 --> 00:24:56,132
- In a boat.
- Ah. Ah.
609
00:24:56,260 --> 00:24:57,916
You know, you can do it, too,
that-that's...
610
00:24:57,940 --> 00:24:59,532
you can...
you can do a lot of stuff
611
00:24:59,660 --> 00:25:00,809
if you just kind of...
612
00:25:00,940 --> 00:25:02,259
Hey, you know, can I...?
613
00:25:02,380 --> 00:25:03,796
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
hey, hey, hey, thanks.
614
00:25:03,820 --> 00:25:05,697
- So are these mussels?
- Yeah, man.
615
00:25:05,820 --> 00:25:08,129
So, I... they're not eating
fish poo on the ground, right?
616
00:25:08,260 --> 00:25:10,774
- No.
- Like the crabs and the oysters eat the fish shit?
617
00:25:10,900 --> 00:25:12,716
- Yeah, yeah.
- So these are eating, what, krill? Kelp? What?
618
00:25:12,740 --> 00:25:15,652
Yeah. Like, fallity
of the ocean stuff.
619
00:25:15,780 --> 00:25:17,396
- Ah, so fresh stuff, live stuff. So...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
620
00:25:17,420 --> 00:25:19,411
- Like, healthy stuff.
- I could eat that, right?
621
00:25:19,540 --> 00:25:21,292
You could do, like,
a soup or something?
622
00:25:21,420 --> 00:25:22,756
- A broth, a bouillabaisse?
- Yeah.
623
00:25:22,780 --> 00:25:24,418
- Good eatin'.
- So do I need to get...
624
00:25:24,540 --> 00:25:25,916
Maybe do you have,
like, some scuba gear...
625
00:25:25,940 --> 00:25:27,476
or, like, a snorkel and shit
626
00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:28,956
so I can get off the boat
and scrape those off
627
00:25:28,980 --> 00:25:30,777
and then eat 'em
while I'm sailing?
628
00:25:30,900 --> 00:25:33,036
- 'Cause it's a long trip.
- Just grab some, like, goggles
629
00:25:33,060 --> 00:25:34,820
- and a snorkel and you're good, man.
- Okay.
630
00:25:40,100 --> 00:25:42,216
Yeah, I got him. Yeah.
631
00:25:45,300 --> 00:25:46,653
Morning, sir!
632
00:25:46,780 --> 00:25:47,895
- Hi.
- How you doing today?
633
00:25:48,020 --> 00:25:49,692
- Good.
- Good!
634
00:25:49,820 --> 00:25:52,653
You know, you're parked in,
uh, someone else's slip.
635
00:25:52,780 --> 00:25:53,895
What do you mean by "slip"?
636
00:25:54,020 --> 00:25:55,499
- Slip.
- A slip.
637
00:25:55,620 --> 00:25:57,850
Yeah, I saw an empty
parking space and I took it.
638
00:25:57,980 --> 00:25:59,811
Last time I checked,
this was still America.
639
00:25:59,940 --> 00:26:01,419
Yeah, it's not a parking lot.
640
00:26:01,540 --> 00:26:02,655
It's a harbor.
641
00:26:02,780 --> 00:26:04,736
- Uh-huh.
- All of these boats you see,
642
00:26:04,860 --> 00:26:07,374
they're all registered to people
who own these slips.
643
00:26:07,500 --> 00:26:09,934
Okay, officer...
madam... Super Cop,
644
00:26:10,100 --> 00:26:11,977
whatever your name is,
do you know who I am?
645
00:26:12,140 --> 00:26:14,415
Yeah. I'm Gary Faulkner,
646
00:26:14,540 --> 00:26:15,956
and I'm trying to do something
very important here, okay?
647
00:26:15,980 --> 00:26:17,095
I'm trying to protect you.
648
00:26:17,220 --> 00:26:19,176
I'm trying to go to Pakistan
649
00:26:19,300 --> 00:26:20,356
so I can capture
Osama bin Laden.
650
00:26:20,380 --> 00:26:21,893
I'm gonna bring him to justice.
651
00:26:22,020 --> 00:26:23,636
And I think you're...
you're kind of impinging
652
00:26:23,660 --> 00:26:25,537
on important duty right now.
653
00:26:25,660 --> 00:26:27,252
Pakistan's a long way away, sir.
654
00:26:27,380 --> 00:26:29,257
I am fully aware of it, so if...
655
00:26:29,380 --> 00:26:30,972
The sooner you let me
do my business,
656
00:26:31,100 --> 00:26:32,328
the sooner I can protect you.
657
00:26:32,460 --> 00:26:34,098
You prepared for this trip?
658
00:26:34,220 --> 00:26:35,876
- You got a life preserver?
- No, I do not have
659
00:26:35,900 --> 00:26:37,300
- a life preserver.
- Safety flares.
660
00:26:37,340 --> 00:26:38,773
I do not have safety flares.
661
00:26:38,900 --> 00:26:40,436
- First aid kit?
- I do not have a first aid kit.
662
00:26:40,460 --> 00:26:41,575
In fact, I've never...
663
00:26:41,700 --> 00:26:42,815
Any working knowledge
664
00:26:42,940 --> 00:26:44,134
of how to operate a sailboat?
665
00:26:44,300 --> 00:26:45,699
I have never sailed before.
666
00:26:45,820 --> 00:26:47,139
Which is why I broke my arm,
667
00:26:47,300 --> 00:26:49,291
because I was trying
to higher up the sail.
668
00:26:49,420 --> 00:26:50,614
I was trying to higher it up.
669
00:26:50,740 --> 00:26:53,379
I was trying to raise it.
Hoist it.
670
00:26:53,500 --> 00:26:55,570
Okay.
671
00:26:55,700 --> 00:26:57,133
Um...
672
00:26:57,260 --> 00:26:59,490
- gonna get you to hang tight.
- Very good.
673
00:26:59,620 --> 00:27:01,020
- I'm gonna be right back.
- Dig it!
674
00:27:01,140 --> 00:27:02,778
- Okay.
- All right.
675
00:27:02,940 --> 00:27:05,116
I need... I need you
to come down here right now.
676
00:27:19,740 --> 00:27:22,732
Okay, clowns!
677
00:27:22,860 --> 00:27:24,896
Doubters, doubters!
678
00:27:25,020 --> 00:27:26,453
Debbie Doubters!
679
00:27:26,580 --> 00:27:28,616
Looks like I'm still sailing!
680
00:27:28,740 --> 00:27:31,208
And you know why
I'm still sailing?
681
00:27:31,340 --> 00:27:34,173
Because it is not my will,
682
00:27:34,300 --> 00:27:35,779
it's God's will.
683
00:27:35,900 --> 00:27:37,538
Shit!
684
00:27:47,180 --> 00:27:49,535
Is this Pakistan?
685
00:27:49,660 --> 00:27:50,854
No, señor.
686
00:27:52,780 --> 00:27:54,850
Not knowing how to sail
turned out to be
687
00:27:54,980 --> 00:27:57,016
a bigger liability
than I originally thought,
688
00:27:57,140 --> 00:27:59,973
but boy,
Mexico sure is beautiful.
689
00:28:00,100 --> 00:28:02,216
And... to that effect,
690
00:28:02,340 --> 00:28:04,808
on the beach of Mexico,
691
00:28:04,940 --> 00:28:07,170
I found this for you.
692
00:28:07,340 --> 00:28:10,059
I thought you might like
to use it as a hairbrush.
693
00:28:10,220 --> 00:28:11,494
And then, this shell...
694
00:28:11,620 --> 00:28:12,735
Isn't that something?
695
00:28:12,860 --> 00:28:15,215
It looks like a pyramid.
696
00:28:15,340 --> 00:28:18,650
And then this is
the venomous cone shell.
697
00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:20,691
Now, this animal
is very powerful.
698
00:28:20,820 --> 00:28:22,333
It shoots a poison dart out...
699
00:28:22,460 --> 00:28:24,337
Bam! Right there,
you're dead in two seconds.
700
00:28:24,460 --> 00:28:26,337
Glad I didn't get hit with that.
701
00:28:26,460 --> 00:28:28,610
And this one looks like
a spiral staircase.
702
00:28:28,780 --> 00:28:31,294
Now, I want to make a spiral
staircase for you one day.
703
00:28:31,420 --> 00:28:33,036
You can have it and
it'll be made out of oak.
704
00:28:33,060 --> 00:28:34,891
Oh.
705
00:28:35,020 --> 00:28:36,931
Yeah. And I got
something for you.
706
00:28:37,060 --> 00:28:38,254
♪ Dah-dah-dah-dah! ♪
707
00:28:40,140 --> 00:28:41,892
San Diego, huh?
708
00:28:43,820 --> 00:28:46,812
- Oh, well, thank you for thinking of me.
- You're welcome.
709
00:28:46,940 --> 00:28:49,090
- I'm glad you're okay.
- I'm always okay.
710
00:28:49,220 --> 00:28:51,415
Well, you know, I'm just
thinking about the dialysis.
711
00:28:51,540 --> 00:28:52,636
Don't you have to go
in for dialysis on your kidney
712
00:28:52,660 --> 00:28:54,696
a couple times a week?
713
00:28:54,820 --> 00:28:57,573
First of all,
the good Lord protects his
714
00:28:57,700 --> 00:29:00,339
sacred warriors,
that's first of all.
715
00:29:00,460 --> 00:29:02,690
I forget second of all.
716
00:29:02,820 --> 00:29:05,778
Well, you had us worried,
you asshole.
717
00:29:07,220 --> 00:29:09,097
I'm sorry.
718
00:29:09,220 --> 00:29:10,778
I'll put a quarter in the jar.
719
00:29:10,900 --> 00:29:12,460
Well, thank you, ladies,
thank you both.
720
00:29:12,580 --> 00:29:14,855
I'm so glad to be back home
with you two.
721
00:29:22,940 --> 00:29:24,498
I really love that little girl.
722
00:29:24,620 --> 00:29:26,497
That-that child is amazing.
723
00:29:26,620 --> 00:29:28,019
And she just took to you.
724
00:29:28,140 --> 00:29:30,813
I've never seen her do that
with somebody.
725
00:29:30,940 --> 00:29:33,579
I don't usually let people
get close to her so quickly.
726
00:29:33,700 --> 00:29:35,476
I mean, you're the first guy
I've had in the house
727
00:29:35,500 --> 00:29:37,013
since I broke up with my ex.
728
00:29:37,180 --> 00:29:38,613
I appreciate that.
729
00:29:38,740 --> 00:29:40,537
I'd do anything for her.
730
00:29:40,660 --> 00:29:41,775
I'd do anything for you.
731
00:29:41,900 --> 00:29:44,334
You can count on me.
732
00:29:44,460 --> 00:29:46,018
I'm not just saying that.
733
00:29:46,140 --> 00:29:48,779
Well, I-I am just saying that,
but I-I mean it.
734
00:29:48,940 --> 00:29:50,737
I'm glad you're here.
735
00:29:50,900 --> 00:29:52,652
I like being here.
736
00:29:52,820 --> 00:29:54,856
Are you seeing anyone right now?
737
00:29:56,260 --> 00:29:57,488
No.
738
00:29:59,300 --> 00:30:03,293
I... broke up with someone
a year ago and... eh.
739
00:30:03,420 --> 00:30:05,980
It's-it's been almost
three years for me.
740
00:30:08,260 --> 00:30:10,171
Huh.
741
00:30:10,340 --> 00:30:11,819
You're-you're such a stud.
742
00:30:11,940 --> 00:30:13,373
I figured you'd have, like,
743
00:30:13,500 --> 00:30:15,775
girls all over the place,
hidden around and...
744
00:30:15,900 --> 00:30:17,572
No, see that-that's just hype.
745
00:30:17,700 --> 00:30:19,452
See, the thing is...
746
00:30:19,580 --> 00:30:22,140
I'm-I'm picky.
747
00:30:22,260 --> 00:30:23,659
No, well, I...
748
00:30:23,780 --> 00:30:25,293
I'm overcompensating, see?
749
00:30:25,420 --> 00:30:28,651
'Cause I-I-I don't feel
like that, all that, you know?
750
00:30:28,780 --> 00:30:30,213
And I've-I've had some issues
751
00:30:30,340 --> 00:30:31,614
'cause of the way I talk.
752
00:30:31,740 --> 00:30:33,810
And sometimes the way
I-I look you know?
753
00:30:33,940 --> 00:30:35,658
I... so I haven't felt
very confident,
754
00:30:35,820 --> 00:30:37,856
but-but I am feeling
something with you.
755
00:30:37,980 --> 00:30:39,811
I'm feeling some
connection with you
756
00:30:39,940 --> 00:30:41,532
and I really...
757
00:30:41,700 --> 00:30:43,099
I really like you, Marci.
758
00:30:48,380 --> 00:30:49,699
Oh, I'm blushing.
759
00:30:49,820 --> 00:30:52,095
I feel like I'm in high school.
760
00:30:52,220 --> 00:30:53,938
Me too.
761
00:30:54,060 --> 00:30:55,379
Can I kiss you?
762
00:30:55,500 --> 00:30:56,899
You...
763
00:30:57,020 --> 00:30:58,817
What a gentleman.
764
00:30:58,940 --> 00:31:00,339
Yeah.
765
00:31:07,540 --> 00:31:10,612
I barely even remember
how to do this.
766
00:31:10,740 --> 00:31:13,891
You want to go upstairs
and try and remember?
767
00:31:19,060 --> 00:31:20,732
Remember Osama bin Laden?
768
00:31:20,860 --> 00:31:23,020
Public enemy number one,
we got to get Osama bin Laden.
769
00:31:23,140 --> 00:31:25,660
The fact that we can't find him
is a big deal, folks, all right?
770
00:31:25,700 --> 00:31:27,179
He's tethered
to a dialysis machine
771
00:31:27,300 --> 00:31:29,036
that he somehow drags around
from recording session
772
00:31:29,060 --> 00:31:30,636
to recording session.
773
00:31:30,660 --> 00:31:32,076
You know, that-that's
got to leave some sort of
774
00:31:32,100 --> 00:31:33,852
trail in sand,
can't we track that down?
775
00:31:33,980 --> 00:31:35,460
Osama bin Laden.
776
00:31:35,580 --> 00:31:37,650
- You know where he is.
- Definitely.
777
00:31:37,780 --> 00:31:38,836
Because he dumped some woman.
778
00:31:38,860 --> 00:31:40,452
Welcome to Books 'n Shit.
779
00:31:40,580 --> 00:31:41,660
So you have a new book out.
780
00:31:41,780 --> 00:31:43,156
- Congratulations by the way.
- Thank you.
781
00:31:43,180 --> 00:31:44,613
Um, it's called
The New Testament.
782
00:31:44,740 --> 00:31:46,236
- The New Testament.
- The New Testament.
783
00:31:46,260 --> 00:31:47,295
It's a sequel of sorts
784
00:31:47,420 --> 00:31:48,614
to the original, um...
785
00:31:48,740 --> 00:31:50,492
- The Old Testament.
- The Old Testament.
786
00:31:50,620 --> 00:31:52,053
Um, is there a movie
in the works?
787
00:31:52,180 --> 00:31:56,412
We are working on a movie,
uh, with James Cameron.
788
00:31:56,540 --> 00:31:57,689
He's great.
789
00:31:57,860 --> 00:31:59,373
Yeah, I mean,
the guy's confident.
790
00:32:02,220 --> 00:32:04,300
You can't buy it in a store,
you can't buy it online,
791
00:32:04,380 --> 00:32:06,132
you can't buy it tomorrow.
792
00:32:06,260 --> 00:32:07,836
This sweet little thing
is limited to one.
793
00:32:07,860 --> 00:32:09,532
This one, the only one.
794
00:32:09,660 --> 00:32:10,934
Are you listening to me, Gary?
795
00:32:11,060 --> 00:32:12,539
This is Excalibur
796
00:32:12,660 --> 00:32:14,776
brought back to life,
this is Damocles fallen.
797
00:32:14,900 --> 00:32:16,891
This item is available
for a penny.
798
00:32:17,020 --> 00:32:19,898
A tiny, brown, copper sphincter
of nothingness.
799
00:32:20,020 --> 00:32:21,339
Gary? Focus.
800
00:32:21,460 --> 00:32:23,260
We're talking about destiny, Gary.
801
00:32:23,340 --> 00:32:24,455
Carpe diem,
802
00:32:24,580 --> 00:32:26,536
seize the day, seize the moment,
803
00:32:26,660 --> 00:32:27,775
take the blade.
804
00:32:32,140 --> 00:32:34,096
Hi-yah!
805
00:32:34,220 --> 00:32:36,654
Marci, I've been going
about this all wrong.
806
00:32:36,780 --> 00:32:38,975
You know what I'm gonna do now?
I'm gonna change it up.
807
00:32:39,100 --> 00:32:40,579
I'm gonna hang glide
into Pakistan.
808
00:32:40,740 --> 00:32:42,253
Well, that sounds dangerous.
809
00:32:42,380 --> 00:32:44,336
Huy-des!
810
00:32:44,460 --> 00:32:46,735
That's okay, everything about
this mission is dangerous.
811
00:32:46,860 --> 00:32:48,076
Do you even know
how to hang glide?
812
00:32:48,100 --> 00:32:50,170
- No, but I got a plan.
- What plan?
813
00:32:50,300 --> 00:32:52,495
Israel.
814
00:32:52,620 --> 00:32:54,556
I'm gonna go to a mountain in
lsrael and I'm gonna jump off.
815
00:32:54,580 --> 00:32:55,854
If I fly, I fly into Pakistan.
816
00:32:55,980 --> 00:32:57,572
If I crash, I crash
into the Dead Sea,
817
00:32:57,700 --> 00:32:59,676
which is the deepest
hypersaline lake in the world.
818
00:32:59,700 --> 00:33:02,658
Yeah, they about 34% salinity
over there and stuff.
819
00:33:02,780 --> 00:33:04,900
Just about the saltiest
body of water you'll ever see.
820
00:33:04,980 --> 00:33:06,836
So everything, no matter
how heavy, floats on it.
821
00:33:06,860 --> 00:33:08,276
So, if I crash, I'll float,
which is good
822
00:33:08,300 --> 00:33:10,052
because I-I don't know
how to swim.
823
00:33:10,180 --> 00:33:12,614
- No, that's a terrible idea.
- Marci,
824
00:33:12,740 --> 00:33:15,891
every good idea sounded terrible
at first. Think about it.
825
00:33:16,020 --> 00:33:18,534
Binny boy won't be expecting it,
that's the main thing.
826
00:33:18,660 --> 00:33:20,220
You got to have
the element of surprise.
827
00:33:20,300 --> 00:33:23,417
And the other thing
you got to add is... a sword!
828
00:33:23,540 --> 00:33:25,258
Chi-yas!
829
00:33:25,380 --> 00:33:26,495
You know what?
830
00:33:26,660 --> 00:33:27,775
I'm rude, look at me.
831
00:33:27,900 --> 00:33:29,094
Hogging all the fun.
832
00:33:29,220 --> 00:33:30,580
Come on, let me
show you something.
833
00:33:30,660 --> 00:33:33,094
- Oh...
- Marci, come on. Look at this.
834
00:33:33,220 --> 00:33:34,369
- Okay, turn around.
- Okay.
835
00:33:34,540 --> 00:33:36,292
- Now, hold it in your hand.
- Okay.
836
00:33:36,460 --> 00:33:38,371
Feel the weight,
respect it, respect it.
837
00:33:38,500 --> 00:33:41,173
Now, I want you to just go down
like that, okay?
838
00:33:41,340 --> 00:33:42,614
Mm-hmm. Right.
839
00:33:42,740 --> 00:33:44,696
Okay, now, when I toss it,
840
00:33:44,820 --> 00:33:46,333
you slice it, slice and dice it.
841
00:33:46,460 --> 00:33:47,620
All right, so, let's do this.
842
00:33:47,700 --> 00:33:48,928
Okay, here we go.
843
00:33:49,100 --> 00:33:50,100
And...
844
00:33:50,180 --> 00:33:52,648
A five, six, seven, eight.
845
00:33:52,780 --> 00:33:55,931
Ah-ha, you did it! Yay!
846
00:33:56,060 --> 00:33:57,460
I see why you like this.
847
00:34:29,820 --> 00:34:31,651
- You work here?
- Yeah.
848
00:34:31,780 --> 00:34:34,169
Okay, listen, I'm looking
to buy a hang glider.
849
00:34:34,300 --> 00:34:35,892
- Okay.
- 'Cause I'm gonna hang glide
850
00:34:36,060 --> 00:34:37,698
- from a mountain in lsrael
- Okay.
851
00:34:37,820 --> 00:34:39,860
To Pakistan, 'cause I got to
capture Osama bin Laden
852
00:34:39,940 --> 00:34:41,453
and pull him right out
of his cave.
853
00:34:41,580 --> 00:34:43,411
- That's quite the adventure.
- That's right.
854
00:34:43,540 --> 00:34:46,213
- But I need a hang glider.
- Well, the North Wing, uh,
855
00:34:46,340 --> 00:34:48,820
- she is a sweet, sweet bird, yeah.
- I like that. Sounds good.
856
00:34:48,860 --> 00:34:50,418
"Sweet bird's" what I like.
857
00:34:50,540 --> 00:34:52,735
- Now, I was gonna take a boom box,
- Okay.
858
00:34:52,860 --> 00:34:55,613
Hang it, dangle it,
from the hang glider.
859
00:34:55,740 --> 00:34:59,813
Listen to music to inspire me,
to motivate me for my mission.
860
00:34:59,940 --> 00:35:02,932
What sort of music
would you suggest
861
00:35:03,060 --> 00:35:05,051
would be the best music
to hang glide to?
862
00:35:05,180 --> 00:35:07,614
Okay, well, I wouldn't hang
a boom box from the wing
863
00:35:07,740 --> 00:35:09,420
'cause you're gonna throw off
your balance.
864
00:35:09,540 --> 00:35:11,531
You got to spare me
the physics lesson
865
00:35:11,660 --> 00:35:13,139
and just answer the question.
866
00:35:13,260 --> 00:35:16,377
Okay, uh, so you're looking
for some, like, pump-up,
867
00:35:16,500 --> 00:35:18,775
- inspirational, kind of...
- That's right.
868
00:35:18,940 --> 00:35:20,055
Tom Petty?
869
00:35:20,180 --> 00:35:21,533
Stupidest thing I've ever heard.
870
00:35:21,660 --> 00:35:23,093
- Okay.
- Okay?
871
00:35:23,220 --> 00:35:25,893
Now, listen, if I was gonna
cut that up into pieces,
872
00:35:26,020 --> 00:35:27,772
'cause I got to get it
into my luggage
873
00:35:27,900 --> 00:35:29,333
to get it over to lsrael.
874
00:35:29,460 --> 00:35:32,372
How many pieces would I
cut it into? Three? Four? Five?
875
00:35:32,500 --> 00:35:34,855
Well, the-the thing about
a hang glider
876
00:35:34,980 --> 00:35:37,096
is it-it's all, uh,
one piece.
877
00:35:37,220 --> 00:35:38,369
You can't cut it up.
878
00:35:38,540 --> 00:35:40,735
Son...
879
00:35:40,860 --> 00:35:41,975
I can do anything.
880
00:35:42,100 --> 00:35:43,897
I am Gary Faulkner.
881
00:35:44,020 --> 00:35:46,090
I am the Donkey King.
882
00:35:47,700 --> 00:35:49,531
Wow.
883
00:35:58,220 --> 00:36:00,780
Sir, that is a samurai sword.
884
00:36:00,940 --> 00:36:02,453
Uh, you cannot take that
on the plane.
885
00:36:02,580 --> 00:36:04,457
No, listen, you don't
understand,
886
00:36:04,580 --> 00:36:07,299
I need this sword
to do what I have to do.
887
00:36:07,420 --> 00:36:09,536
You trying to get my killed
by Al-Qaeda?
888
00:36:09,660 --> 00:36:11,252
Is that, is that what you want?
889
00:36:11,380 --> 00:36:13,894
No, I want you to realize
that you cannot take a sword
890
00:36:14,020 --> 00:36:15,169
onto an airplane.
891
00:36:15,300 --> 00:36:16,972
Can't.
If there weren't people like me
892
00:36:17,100 --> 00:36:18,380
doing things that
people like you
893
00:36:18,540 --> 00:36:19,939
told us that we couldn't do,
894
00:36:20,060 --> 00:36:21,516
then nothing great
would ever get done
895
00:36:21,540 --> 00:36:23,178
and America wouldn't be awesome.
896
00:36:23,300 --> 00:36:25,018
And let me tell you
something, lady,
897
00:36:25,140 --> 00:36:29,372
we may have our flaws,
but America is awesome!
898
00:36:29,500 --> 00:36:31,650
You cannot carry the sword
onto the plane.
899
00:36:31,780 --> 00:36:34,658
Tell that to George Washington!
900
00:36:34,780 --> 00:36:35,929
Gary!
901
00:36:36,100 --> 00:36:37,738
Pack the sword.
902
00:36:37,860 --> 00:36:40,090
Yes, my Lord.
903
00:36:55,180 --> 00:36:58,172
You guys seem like
a couple of nice kids.
904
00:36:58,300 --> 00:37:00,177
Where you from?
Are you from lsrael?
905
00:37:01,540 --> 00:37:03,815
You're from one of
the other, uh,
906
00:37:03,940 --> 00:37:06,579
Middle Eastern, uh, countries,
or Pakistan,
907
00:37:06,700 --> 00:37:08,770
or, uh, Tunisia?
908
00:37:10,500 --> 00:37:12,092
All right, well, I'm gonna...
909
00:37:12,260 --> 00:37:14,057
I'm gonna start running now.
910
00:37:14,220 --> 00:37:16,211
I'm gonna pick it up,
and I'm gonna run.
911
00:37:16,340 --> 00:37:18,808
Okay?
You got to get out so I can run.
912
00:37:27,580 --> 00:37:29,969
Let's go.
Go, go, go!
913
00:37:30,100 --> 00:37:32,739
Ha-ha!
Success!
914
00:37:34,700 --> 00:37:37,089
Look at me now!
915
00:37:37,220 --> 00:37:38,778
No!
916
00:37:38,900 --> 00:37:41,972
Shit! Fuck! Goddamn it! You fucker!
917
00:37:42,100 --> 00:37:44,853
As Gary lay broken on
the rocky terrain of Israel...
918
00:37:44,980 --> 00:37:46,095
Fuck it!
919
00:37:46,220 --> 00:37:47,812
Doubt crept in.
920
00:37:47,940 --> 00:37:51,091
And perhaps a small voice asked,
921
00:37:51,220 --> 00:37:52,972
"I wonder if Marci is serving
922
00:37:53,100 --> 00:37:55,250
her guacamole
and chips tonight."
923
00:37:55,380 --> 00:37:56,608
Gare-bear.
924
00:37:56,740 --> 00:37:58,219
Hey, babe.
925
00:37:58,340 --> 00:38:01,252
Look at you,
having a little spa day, huh?
926
00:38:01,380 --> 00:38:04,452
Thanks. Thank you so much for
letting me crash here again.
927
00:38:04,580 --> 00:38:06,491
Oh, no problem.
Lizzie, uh...
928
00:38:06,620 --> 00:38:08,451
Well, you know,
929
00:38:08,580 --> 00:38:11,811
Lizzie and I love
having you here, so...
930
00:38:11,940 --> 00:38:14,056
Would you look at me?
I'm as crippled as Lizzie is.
931
00:38:14,180 --> 00:38:18,139
Well, I mean, she's a...
932
00:38:18,260 --> 00:38:20,694
ten-year-old girl
with cerebral palsy,
933
00:38:20,820 --> 00:38:23,812
and you are a grown man who
jumped off a cliff on purpose.
934
00:38:23,940 --> 00:38:26,374
- I retract my previous statement.
- Yeah.
935
00:38:26,540 --> 00:38:29,054
Where is she anyway? You know,
I got a present for her.
936
00:38:29,180 --> 00:38:30,380
Oh, she's at physical therapy.
937
00:38:30,460 --> 00:38:31,740
I'm gonna go get her in an hour.
938
00:38:31,860 --> 00:38:34,055
Okay, well, listen,
check this out.
939
00:38:34,180 --> 00:38:37,138
You can buy the shit
out of these things in lsrael.
940
00:38:37,300 --> 00:38:39,052
That's water
from the fucking Jordan river.
941
00:38:39,220 --> 00:38:41,529
That's the fucking river where
fucking Jesus was baptized.
942
00:38:41,660 --> 00:38:42,695
She's gonna love this.
943
00:38:42,820 --> 00:38:43,935
Yeah.
944
00:38:44,100 --> 00:38:45,692
That was so thoughtful.
945
00:38:45,820 --> 00:38:46,969
Thank you.
946
00:38:47,100 --> 00:38:49,330
I got you something too.
947
00:38:49,460 --> 00:38:51,610
Yeah, look how beautiful
that is.
948
00:38:55,700 --> 00:38:57,452
- "Israel rocks."
- Yeah.
949
00:38:57,580 --> 00:38:59,536
Yeah, it does.
950
00:38:59,700 --> 00:39:02,134
God, Gary, thanks.
951
00:39:02,260 --> 00:39:05,536
Why did I sit there and let you
take that glider apart?
952
00:39:05,660 --> 00:39:06,934
- The hang glider?
- Yeah.
953
00:39:07,060 --> 00:39:08,175
That was a lemon.
954
00:39:08,300 --> 00:39:10,336
Hey.
955
00:39:10,500 --> 00:39:14,175
Do you want to get behind
some hedges and, uh, you know,
956
00:39:14,340 --> 00:39:15,455
show me your tattoo again?
957
00:39:15,580 --> 00:39:16,808
Uh-huh?
958
00:39:16,940 --> 00:39:17,975
Uh-huh?
959
00:39:18,100 --> 00:39:19,328
You are a little horn dog.
960
00:39:19,460 --> 00:39:22,532
- Even all banged up like this.
- Yeah.
961
00:39:22,660 --> 00:39:24,220
I don't know, it ain't just
animal lust,
962
00:39:24,340 --> 00:39:27,218
of which I have plenty,
as you can well attest.
963
00:39:27,340 --> 00:39:29,649
Sometimes I think I need a vet.
964
00:39:29,780 --> 00:39:33,056
No, I find that, uh...
965
00:39:33,180 --> 00:39:34,613
I actually love you quite a bit.
966
00:39:37,460 --> 00:39:39,815
I love you too, Gary.
967
00:39:41,900 --> 00:39:43,811
But you're on
a mission from God.
968
00:39:43,940 --> 00:39:45,578
So where does that leave me?
969
00:39:45,700 --> 00:39:48,294
Well, you'll have to take that
up with him directly.
970
00:39:48,420 --> 00:39:49,978
I haven't even made it
to Pakistan yet,
971
00:39:50,100 --> 00:39:52,330
I got to get over there
as soon as I'm healed.
972
00:39:54,340 --> 00:39:56,456
I'm gonna go in. Do you want
a water or something?
973
00:39:56,580 --> 00:39:58,810
No, I'm all right.
974
00:39:58,940 --> 00:40:00,956
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
come on, hold-hold on a second,
975
00:40:00,980 --> 00:40:02,208
hold on a second.
976
00:40:03,700 --> 00:40:04,894
What if I didn't go?
977
00:40:06,180 --> 00:40:07,408
What if I just...
978
00:40:07,540 --> 00:40:09,212
stuck around here
979
00:40:09,340 --> 00:40:10,819
and helped out, you know?
980
00:40:10,980 --> 00:40:12,095
I'm a pretty good handyman.
981
00:40:12,220 --> 00:40:14,051
I could help out
around the house.
982
00:40:14,180 --> 00:40:16,011
Yeah.
983
00:40:17,820 --> 00:40:18,935
I'd love that,
984
00:40:19,060 --> 00:40:20,573
you know?
985
00:40:20,740 --> 00:40:24,096
But if you really feel
like you're on a mission,
986
00:40:24,220 --> 00:40:27,451
and I tell you to stay here,
you're gonna hate me.
987
00:40:27,620 --> 00:40:30,930
I... I couldn't handle that,
so...
988
00:40:32,180 --> 00:40:35,172
You think about it, and, um...
989
00:40:35,300 --> 00:40:37,655
and, uh, we'll talk later.
990
00:40:45,420 --> 00:40:47,934
I just want to enjoy
my life a little bit.
991
00:40:48,100 --> 00:40:52,776
I want to spend some time, a
domestic kind of, uh, lifestyle,
992
00:40:52,940 --> 00:40:54,453
with Marci and Lizzie, you know.
993
00:40:54,580 --> 00:40:56,138
- Good for you, Gary.
- Yeah.
994
00:40:56,260 --> 00:40:58,300
Yeah, that-that Pakistan shit,
the whole Osama thing
995
00:40:58,380 --> 00:40:59,699
is pretty crazy.
996
00:40:59,860 --> 00:41:02,579
Maybe so, but crazy is
my last name.
997
00:41:02,740 --> 00:41:05,698
- Isn't it crazy is my middle name?
- Yeah.
998
00:41:05,820 --> 00:41:07,617
My middle name is Brooks.
999
00:41:07,740 --> 00:41:08,900
It's that old Gary.
1000
00:41:08,980 --> 00:41:11,210
- All right.
- Well, that's the truth.
1001
00:41:11,340 --> 00:41:12,819
Okay, we got to jet,
we got a movie.
1002
00:41:12,940 --> 00:41:14,836
- Yeah, you should come with us.
- Yeah, no, I'm gonna stay here
1003
00:41:14,860 --> 00:41:17,294
and, uh, finish my beer,
and then, uh,
1004
00:41:17,460 --> 00:41:19,496
maybe just go back
to Marci's house
1005
00:41:19,620 --> 00:41:22,009
and enjoy my, uh, my humble
little domestic lifestyle.
1006
00:41:22,140 --> 00:41:23,820
- All right.
- I'll take care of this guys.
1007
00:41:23,860 --> 00:41:25,556
- Don't worry about that. Yeah.
- Really? -Really?
1008
00:41:25,580 --> 00:41:27,116
- All right, see you later.
- All right, bye.
1009
00:41:27,140 --> 00:41:28,573
All right, see you later.
1010
00:41:28,700 --> 00:41:30,100
In Afghaninstan
1011
00:41:30,140 --> 00:41:31,460
- with his latest findings.
- Bye.
1012
00:41:31,580 --> 00:41:33,172
Since the battle of Tora Bora
1013
00:41:33,300 --> 00:41:34,972
in December of 2001,
1014
00:41:35,100 --> 00:41:37,216
there has been
no actionable intelligence
1015
00:41:37,340 --> 00:41:39,331
about where bin Laden is.
1016
00:41:39,460 --> 00:41:41,178
There are informed hypotheses
1017
00:41:41,300 --> 00:41:42,956
that he's in the northwest
frontier provinces
1018
00:41:42,980 --> 00:41:44,971
- of Pakistan...
- I hate this show.
1019
00:41:45,100 --> 00:41:47,011
Somewhere in the tribal areas.
1020
00:41:48,620 --> 00:41:51,339
W-Were you going to be doing
something for me?
1021
00:41:51,460 --> 00:41:52,813
I was... I am.
1022
00:41:54,620 --> 00:41:55,996
'Cause it looks to me
like you're quitting.
1023
00:41:56,020 --> 00:41:57,339
I ain't no quitter.
1024
00:41:57,500 --> 00:41:58,596
'Cause what would you think
would happen
1025
00:41:58,620 --> 00:42:00,212
if I, God, just quit?
1026
00:42:00,380 --> 00:42:02,052
- Chaos!
- Chaos.
1027
00:42:02,180 --> 00:42:03,772
I mean, we've got chaos already,
1028
00:42:03,900 --> 00:42:06,698
but we'd be talking about
a much worse form of chaos.
1029
00:42:06,820 --> 00:42:07,889
Godless chaos.
1030
00:42:08,020 --> 00:42:09,851
Who said anything
about quitting?
1031
00:42:09,980 --> 00:42:12,699
What you don't seem
to appreciate Gary,
1032
00:42:12,820 --> 00:42:16,176
is the notion of omniscience.
1033
00:42:16,300 --> 00:42:17,779
That means I know everything,
1034
00:42:17,940 --> 00:42:19,420
so I know you're thinking
about Marci.
1035
00:42:19,540 --> 00:42:21,258
I know you're thinking
about domesticity
1036
00:42:21,380 --> 00:42:23,100
and settling down
and how cute that will be.
1037
00:42:23,180 --> 00:42:26,377
And it really bugs me
when men let woman-shit
1038
00:42:26,500 --> 00:42:28,570
get in the way of man-business.
1039
00:42:28,740 --> 00:42:32,255
There's two words
you need to consider:
1040
00:42:32,380 --> 00:42:34,575
"God" and "America."
1041
00:42:34,700 --> 00:42:35,849
That's what this is about.
1042
00:42:35,980 --> 00:42:37,379
Okay?
1043
00:42:37,540 --> 00:42:40,612
So what part of
"I am everything,"
1044
00:42:40,740 --> 00:42:43,891
"I know everything,"
do you not understand?
1045
00:42:44,020 --> 00:42:45,453
Uh, uh, if you know everything,
1046
00:42:45,580 --> 00:42:47,855
then why don't you tell me
where to find Binny boy?
1047
00:42:47,980 --> 00:42:49,971
I can tell you Pakistan,
1048
00:42:50,140 --> 00:42:51,858
and you can't even get there.
1049
00:42:51,980 --> 00:42:54,540
Now you're thinking
about quitting.
1050
00:42:54,660 --> 00:42:56,457
You're a disappointment
to me, Gary.
1051
00:42:56,580 --> 00:42:58,420
I've been waiting
for you to help me.
1052
00:42:58,500 --> 00:43:01,970
Gary, shut the fuck up.
This is a holy quest.
1053
00:43:02,100 --> 00:43:05,376
Holy quests are challenging.
1054
00:43:05,500 --> 00:43:08,537
When I asked Abraham
to slaughter Isaac,
1055
00:43:08,700 --> 00:43:10,372
that was challenging.
1056
00:43:10,500 --> 00:43:12,076
He didn't just say, "Oh, he's
my son. What am I gonna do?"
1057
00:43:12,100 --> 00:43:13,897
I love him.
What am I gonna tell his mum?"
1058
00:43:14,020 --> 00:43:16,534
When I said to David,
you've gotta kill Goliath,
1059
00:43:16,660 --> 00:43:18,093
it was challenging.
1060
00:43:18,220 --> 00:43:19,316
He didn't say,
"Look at the size of him.
1061
00:43:19,340 --> 00:43:20,659
I can't do anything about it."
1062
00:43:20,780 --> 00:43:22,736
It's a challenging situation
that you're in.
1063
00:43:22,860 --> 00:43:25,772
I plucked you from obscurity.
1064
00:43:25,900 --> 00:43:27,572
You're a lucky fuck.
1065
00:43:27,700 --> 00:43:30,419
You should feel blessed,
1066
00:43:30,540 --> 00:43:32,417
not burdened.
1067
00:43:32,540 --> 00:43:34,019
So, Gary,
1068
00:43:34,180 --> 00:43:36,819
I don't want to hear
any more talk about quitting
1069
00:43:36,940 --> 00:43:38,692
or Marci, or TVs,
1070
00:43:38,820 --> 00:43:42,176
or sitting and relaxing,
having a beer.
1071
00:43:42,300 --> 00:43:43,449
Otherwise,
1072
00:43:43,580 --> 00:43:45,411
I'm gonna smite you.
1073
00:43:45,540 --> 00:43:47,098
I'm gonna smite you,
1074
00:43:47,220 --> 00:43:49,575
and any memory
or remnant of you.
1075
00:43:49,740 --> 00:43:51,856
Your dad, Gary Faulkner...
"l didn't have a son."
1076
00:43:51,980 --> 00:43:55,495
Marci... "I don't remember
meeting some twinkle-eyed",
1077
00:43:55,660 --> 00:43:56,888
goofy, cute guy."
1078
00:43:57,020 --> 00:43:58,692
I will eliminate you
1079
00:43:58,820 --> 00:44:00,538
from history, all traces of you.
1080
00:44:00,660 --> 00:44:02,412
Okay?
1081
00:44:02,540 --> 00:44:04,610
So have a little think
about that,
1082
00:44:04,740 --> 00:44:06,093
and then make the decision
1083
00:44:06,220 --> 00:44:08,176
that will make us both proud.
1084
00:44:17,700 --> 00:44:19,099
Oh, great. You're drunk.
1085
00:44:19,220 --> 00:44:21,097
I blew it.
1086
00:44:21,220 --> 00:44:23,211
I was weak.
1087
00:44:23,340 --> 00:44:26,093
I took my eyes off the prize,
1088
00:44:26,220 --> 00:44:27,539
and he saw it.
1089
00:44:27,660 --> 00:44:28,695
What prize?
1090
00:44:28,860 --> 00:44:30,612
Who are you talking about?
1091
00:44:30,780 --> 00:44:33,135
I gotta... I gotta...
get to Pakistan.
1092
00:44:33,260 --> 00:44:34,932
Pakistan?
1093
00:44:35,060 --> 00:44:37,335
What... what are you
talking about... Pakistan?
1094
00:44:37,460 --> 00:44:39,576
I thought you were done
with all that nonsense.
1095
00:44:39,700 --> 00:44:41,133
What about moving in here
with me?
1096
00:44:41,260 --> 00:44:43,410
What about fixing the ramp?
1097
00:44:43,540 --> 00:44:47,977
I have a more important job
to do.
1098
00:44:48,100 --> 00:44:51,536
You know what? I need my
four hours of sleep tonight.
1099
00:44:51,660 --> 00:44:54,049
I've got to work two
of my three jobs tomorrow,
1100
00:44:54,220 --> 00:44:56,176
so I'm going to bed alone.
1101
00:45:12,020 --> 00:45:13,931
What do you think?
1102
00:45:15,460 --> 00:45:16,460
It's great.
1103
00:45:16,540 --> 00:45:18,098
I told you I'd finish it.
1104
00:45:18,220 --> 00:45:21,178
I'm sorry I slammed the door
in your face
1105
00:45:21,300 --> 00:45:23,220
and yelled at you,
but, you know, you were really
1106
00:45:23,260 --> 00:45:25,057
being crazy,
and I don't need that shit.
1107
00:45:25,180 --> 00:45:27,250
Marci Mitchell, don't you ever
1108
00:45:27,420 --> 00:45:29,138
apologize to me for anything.
1109
00:45:29,260 --> 00:45:30,488
You are perfect.
1110
00:45:30,620 --> 00:45:31,620
You are
1111
00:45:31,660 --> 00:45:33,332
an angel, and I'll see you
1112
00:45:33,460 --> 00:45:35,098
when I get back from Pakistan.
1113
00:45:37,540 --> 00:45:40,259
Sir, we have been through this.
1114
00:45:40,380 --> 00:45:41,860
I do not care
about George Washington.
1115
00:45:41,900 --> 00:45:42,900
You cannot
1116
00:45:42,980 --> 00:45:43,810
go to Pakistan
1117
00:45:43,980 --> 00:45:45,254
without an entry visa.
1118
00:45:45,380 --> 00:45:46,996
This is bureaucratic morass
is what this is.
1119
00:45:47,020 --> 00:45:48,020
Gary.
1120
00:45:49,540 --> 00:45:51,610
Yes, my Lord.
1121
00:45:58,780 --> 00:46:00,213
And God just...
1122
00:46:00,340 --> 00:46:01,659
gave you a sign.
1123
00:46:01,780 --> 00:46:03,179
That's right.
1124
00:46:03,300 --> 00:46:04,699
And now you want to go
1125
00:46:04,820 --> 00:46:05,820
to Pakistan...
1126
00:46:07,180 --> 00:46:08,215
Why?
1127
00:46:08,380 --> 00:46:10,257
To get bin Laden.
1128
00:46:10,420 --> 00:46:11,739
Osama bin Laden.
1129
00:46:11,860 --> 00:46:14,135
No, Harold bin Laden.
1130
00:46:14,300 --> 00:46:15,972
Yes, Osama bin Laden.
1131
00:46:16,100 --> 00:46:17,579
The terrorist.
1132
00:46:17,700 --> 00:46:19,292
Is this some kind of joke?
1133
00:46:19,420 --> 00:46:21,076
No, this couldn't be
any less of a joke, sir.
1134
00:46:21,100 --> 00:46:23,455
This is as serious
as a thing can get.
1135
00:46:23,580 --> 00:46:26,538
Okay, you give me one good
reason why I should stamp this
1136
00:46:26,660 --> 00:46:29,652
and the United States of America
should let
1137
00:46:29,780 --> 00:46:31,338
Gary Brooks Faulkner into
1138
00:46:31,460 --> 00:46:34,452
one of the hairiest places
on Earth.
1139
00:46:34,580 --> 00:46:36,218
Well, do you believe in God?
1140
00:46:36,340 --> 00:46:37,340
And America?
1141
00:46:37,460 --> 00:46:38,734
And justice?
1142
00:46:38,860 --> 00:46:40,054
And freedom?!
1143
00:46:40,180 --> 00:46:43,297
And just doing what's right?!
1144
00:46:46,380 --> 00:46:47,380
Hmm.
1145
00:46:49,700 --> 00:46:51,418
Thank you.
1146
00:46:51,540 --> 00:46:53,019
Go get him.
1147
00:46:58,300 --> 00:47:01,531
So, I'm going to Pakistan
to capture Osama bin Laden.
1148
00:47:01,660 --> 00:47:03,093
Bring him to justice.
1149
00:47:03,220 --> 00:47:04,653
God told me to do it.
1150
00:47:04,780 --> 00:47:07,010
He didn't think I was being
urgent enough about it.
1151
00:47:07,140 --> 00:47:09,256
Thought I was giving in
to temptation again,
1152
00:47:09,380 --> 00:47:11,132
which has been
one of my problems.
1153
00:47:11,260 --> 00:47:13,140
Kept me from achieving
certain things and stuff,
1154
00:47:13,260 --> 00:47:14,579
but I'm gonna tell you what.
1155
00:47:14,700 --> 00:47:16,975
God kicked the ever-loving
shit out of me.
1156
00:47:17,100 --> 00:47:20,137
So, now here I am,
back on mission.
1157
00:47:20,260 --> 00:47:23,058
I shouldn't be telling you this,
but I already got a lead.
1158
00:47:23,180 --> 00:47:26,570
You see, it turns out over here,
people call Binny boy
1159
00:47:26,700 --> 00:47:28,019
The Bearded One.
1160
00:47:28,140 --> 00:47:30,734
So, there,
that could be helpful.
1161
00:47:41,340 --> 00:47:44,138
Gary arrived
in Pakistan a stranger
1162
00:47:44,260 --> 00:47:45,579
in a strange land.
1163
00:47:47,420 --> 00:47:49,695
He was determined
1164
00:47:49,820 --> 00:47:52,254
to observe the customs
of the local people
1165
00:47:52,380 --> 00:47:53,699
and perhaps glean clues
1166
00:47:53,860 --> 00:47:55,737
that would lead him
to bin Laden.
1167
00:48:01,060 --> 00:48:02,891
Reason for visit?
1168
00:48:04,940 --> 00:48:06,931
Taking care of business.
1169
00:48:12,420 --> 00:48:13,933
Once through Customs,
1170
00:48:14,060 --> 00:48:18,133
Gary saw a world both
familiar and foreign.
1171
00:48:19,820 --> 00:48:21,299
In his personal diary,
1172
00:48:21,420 --> 00:48:23,934
Gary wrote of his first day
in Pakistan...
1173
00:48:25,580 --> 00:48:28,014
"Got to Islamabad.
1174
00:48:28,140 --> 00:48:30,415
"Interesting people.
1175
00:48:30,540 --> 00:48:32,849
Hot as balls."
1176
00:48:33,020 --> 00:48:35,488
So, anyways, so,
how do you like it here
1177
00:48:35,620 --> 00:48:37,212
in Pakistan, my brother?
1178
00:48:37,340 --> 00:48:38,978
Pakistan is very, very,
very beautiful.
1179
00:48:39,100 --> 00:48:40,613
Pakistan is beautiful.
1180
00:48:40,780 --> 00:48:42,156
Yeah, well, I figured
you'd say something like that
1181
00:48:42,180 --> 00:48:43,738
on account of national pride.
1182
00:48:43,860 --> 00:48:45,896
Well, I love America,
so we're even.
1183
00:48:46,020 --> 00:48:47,578
I love America, too.
1184
00:48:47,700 --> 00:48:49,133
Yeah? Well, America's very good.
1185
00:48:49,260 --> 00:48:51,455
America's the best goddamn
country in the world.
1186
00:48:51,580 --> 00:48:53,218
And I say that putting
my personal bias
1187
00:48:53,340 --> 00:48:54,853
and national pride aside because
1188
00:48:54,980 --> 00:48:57,016
we don't have no Al-Qaeda
holing up in the States.
1189
00:48:57,140 --> 00:48:59,449
Al-Qaeda here in Pakistan,
very bad.
1190
00:48:59,580 --> 00:49:00,979
Yeah, very bad.
1191
00:49:01,100 --> 00:49:02,516
- Well, see, I like you...
- Very bad.
1192
00:49:02,540 --> 00:49:03,596
Because we got
a cultural connection.
1193
00:49:03,620 --> 00:49:05,133
But what I need to do is I need
1194
00:49:05,260 --> 00:49:06,356
to get to the Hotel AIBaraka.
1195
00:49:06,380 --> 00:49:08,291
I'm on a very important mission.
1196
00:49:08,420 --> 00:49:09,676
I'm looking for The Bearded One.
1197
00:49:09,700 --> 00:49:11,133
Uh, do you know where
1198
00:49:11,260 --> 00:49:12,436
- I can find The Bearded One?
- The Bearded One?
1199
00:49:12,460 --> 00:49:13,575
The Bearded One.
1200
00:49:13,700 --> 00:49:15,292
I am... I have got beard.
1201
00:49:15,420 --> 00:49:17,058
Yeah, no,
I know you got a beard,
1202
00:49:17,180 --> 00:49:19,116
but I'm talking about
The Bearded One.
1203
00:49:19,140 --> 00:49:21,176
Do you have Denny's in Pakistan?
1204
00:49:21,300 --> 00:49:23,256
Does The Bearded One
go to Denny's?
1205
00:49:33,020 --> 00:49:35,215
Gary Faulkner, U.S.A.
1206
00:49:35,340 --> 00:49:37,217
Gary Faulkner,
U.S.A.
1207
00:49:37,380 --> 00:49:38,176
Fuckner?
1208
00:49:38,340 --> 00:49:39,340
Fuckner?!
1209
00:49:39,460 --> 00:49:40,654
No, not Fuckner, man.
1210
00:49:40,780 --> 00:49:42,259
It's Faulkner, man. Faulkner.
1211
00:49:42,380 --> 00:49:43,130
Fuck-ner.
1212
00:49:43,300 --> 00:49:45,416
No, uh, it's Faulkner, man.
1213
00:49:45,540 --> 00:49:46,768
Fuckner, that's what you said.
1214
00:49:46,900 --> 00:49:47,916
Not Fuckner, Faulkner, man.
1215
00:49:47,940 --> 00:49:49,658
Just call me The G.
1216
00:49:49,780 --> 00:49:51,099
Uh, you got a bellhop
1217
00:49:51,220 --> 00:49:52,619
that can help me with my bags?
1218
00:49:52,740 --> 00:49:54,696
No, h-h-he's... he's dead.
1219
00:49:54,820 --> 00:49:55,696
Dead?
1220
00:49:55,820 --> 00:49:57,139
Did Al-Qaeda shoot the bellhop?
1221
00:49:57,260 --> 00:49:58,090
No!
1222
00:49:58,220 --> 00:49:59,220
Not at all, sir.
1223
00:49:59,260 --> 00:50:00,454
Gangsters, sir.
1224
00:50:00,580 --> 00:50:02,276
- He was killed for...
- Gangsters? Not Al-Qaeda?
1225
00:50:02,300 --> 00:50:03,813
We have no Al-Qaeda here.
1226
00:50:03,940 --> 00:50:05,373
I got an AK-47
shoved up my ass.
1227
00:50:06,540 --> 00:50:08,019
He-he want... he want to s...
1228
00:50:08,140 --> 00:50:09,493
to-to-to know about America.
1229
00:50:09,660 --> 00:50:11,252
Man, America's good!
1230
00:50:11,380 --> 00:50:13,211
- Hamburger.
- We got... we got hamburgers.
1231
00:50:13,340 --> 00:50:14,614
We got Dairy Queen.
1232
00:50:14,740 --> 00:50:16,420
We got the best chicken wings
in the world.
1233
00:50:16,460 --> 00:50:18,576
- Woman, woman, woman.
- Fuck, man, but
1234
00:50:18,700 --> 00:50:20,420
- we got the California girls, man.
- Woman.
1235
00:50:21,820 --> 00:50:23,378
Fuckner good, Fuckner good.
1236
00:50:24,980 --> 00:50:26,857
I told you, just call me The G.
1237
00:50:26,980 --> 00:50:28,356
You are so funny.
1238
00:50:28,380 --> 00:50:30,735
- I like it.
- Oh, yeah.
1239
00:50:30,860 --> 00:50:32,756
All right, look, can somebody
show me where my room is?
1240
00:50:32,780 --> 00:50:34,816
I got to get, uh, I have
a very important mission.
1241
00:50:45,260 --> 00:50:48,969
Try it, motherfucker!
1242
00:51:00,500 --> 00:51:02,968
Like all men on covert ops,
1243
00:51:03,100 --> 00:51:06,012
Gary's first day was spent
doing reconnaissance.
1244
00:51:08,820 --> 00:51:12,699
Scouring the streets,
looking for clues.
1245
00:51:12,820 --> 00:51:16,256
A motivated Gary Faulkner
was a dangerous Gary Faulkner.
1246
00:51:18,180 --> 00:51:21,377
Nothing could stop him
when he was on a mission.
1247
00:51:21,500 --> 00:51:24,060
Nothing could make
him lose focus
1248
00:51:24,180 --> 00:51:27,252
when he had a plan.
1249
00:51:27,380 --> 00:51:30,372
These are all things
Gary Faulkner told me.
1250
00:51:30,500 --> 00:51:33,697
You have many diverse
kind of sundry spices here.
1251
00:51:33,820 --> 00:51:35,617
I think I can use
some of these spices
1252
00:51:35,740 --> 00:51:37,298
in my chicken wing hot sauce,
1253
00:51:37,420 --> 00:51:39,156
but I need molasses, too.
1254
00:51:39,180 --> 00:51:41,171
Molasses. Do you have molasses?
1255
00:51:42,980 --> 00:51:45,210
No, molasses, not jackasses.
1256
00:51:45,380 --> 00:51:46,608
I didn't call you jackasses.
1257
00:51:46,740 --> 00:51:48,651
I said molasses.
1258
00:51:48,780 --> 00:51:50,500
Not calling you a jack...
1259
00:51:50,540 --> 00:51:52,690
Here you go.
1260
00:51:52,820 --> 00:51:55,254
Thank you.
1261
00:52:07,980 --> 00:52:09,652
I'm looking for something pretty
1262
00:52:09,820 --> 00:52:11,219
for a young lady.
1263
00:52:11,340 --> 00:52:12,620
- Yes, yes.
- She's not even ten.
1264
00:52:12,700 --> 00:52:13,716
Okay? Something exotic,
something...
1265
00:52:13,740 --> 00:52:14,889
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1266
00:52:15,020 --> 00:52:16,020
Something that has
1267
00:52:16,060 --> 00:52:17,573
some flavor to it.
1268
00:52:17,700 --> 00:52:19,019
Now, wait, this could work.
1269
00:52:19,140 --> 00:52:20,289
- This is good.
- Yeah.
1270
00:52:20,460 --> 00:52:21,290
This could work.
1271
00:52:21,460 --> 00:52:22,575
Come on, here take this.
1272
00:52:22,700 --> 00:52:23,700
I'm gonna take that.
1273
00:52:31,620 --> 00:52:33,178
Good.
1274
00:52:33,300 --> 00:52:35,097
Good, you got the...
you got the long knives.
1275
00:52:35,220 --> 00:52:36,414
You got the short knives.
1276
00:52:36,540 --> 00:52:38,815
You got the...
you got the Damascus.
1277
00:52:38,940 --> 00:52:40,896
Check this out.
1278
00:52:42,460 --> 00:52:44,052
Nothing?
1279
00:52:44,180 --> 00:52:45,180
All right.
1280
00:52:45,220 --> 00:52:47,211
Well, you have a blessed day.
1281
00:52:52,780 --> 00:52:54,179
No, man.
1282
00:52:54,300 --> 00:52:56,020
You're do... you're doing
it all wrong, man.
1283
00:52:56,140 --> 00:52:57,493
You're not talking to the meat.
1284
00:52:57,660 --> 00:52:59,220
That's how come
you've got no customers.
1285
00:52:59,260 --> 00:53:01,569
You got to... you got to talk
to the meat.
1286
00:53:04,540 --> 00:53:05,540
Goat meat, like all meat,
1287
00:53:05,620 --> 00:53:06,848
has a vertical line
1288
00:53:06,980 --> 00:53:09,699
and it has a horizontal line,
1289
00:53:09,820 --> 00:53:12,698
and at the epicenter
of where those two lines cross
1290
00:53:12,820 --> 00:53:13,956
is where the spirit
of the meat comes out.
1291
00:53:13,980 --> 00:53:14,856
You say,
1292
00:53:14,980 --> 00:53:16,413
"Thank you, baby goat."
1293
00:53:16,540 --> 00:53:17,689
"Thank you, baby goat."
1294
00:53:17,820 --> 00:53:19,276
"Thank you, baby goat."
1295
00:53:19,300 --> 00:53:22,576
At the end of the first day,
1296
00:53:22,700 --> 00:53:24,850
Gary realized this might be
1297
00:53:25,020 --> 00:53:27,170
harder than he thought.
1298
00:53:27,300 --> 00:53:29,860
If only God
could give him a sign.
1299
00:53:44,700 --> 00:53:48,136
Looks like my brother Gary
cooked up a storm.
1300
00:53:48,260 --> 00:53:49,739
I couldn't get the molasses,
1301
00:53:49,860 --> 00:53:51,009
but if these aren't the best
1302
00:53:51,140 --> 00:53:52,653
chicken wings
you've ever tasted,
1303
00:53:52,780 --> 00:53:54,372
then I'm not the Donkey King.
1304
00:53:54,500 --> 00:53:56,809
Thank you, sir, you are so kind.
1305
00:53:56,940 --> 00:53:58,055
Oh.
1306
00:53:58,220 --> 00:54:00,211
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
1307
00:54:05,100 --> 00:54:06,294
Don't worry, sir!
1308
00:54:06,420 --> 00:54:07,899
I-I know a dentist.
1309
00:54:08,020 --> 00:54:09,020
He's very good.
1310
00:54:33,460 --> 00:54:34,654
Okay.
1311
00:54:34,780 --> 00:54:36,611
Pass that around.
1312
00:54:40,180 --> 00:54:42,489
That's nice.
1313
00:55:02,420 --> 00:55:07,289
I fucking love Pakistan.
1314
00:55:42,820 --> 00:55:44,492
Ride it, cowboy.
1315
00:55:44,660 --> 00:55:45,536
Ride.
1316
00:55:45,660 --> 00:55:46,888
Yeah.
1317
00:55:51,140 --> 00:55:52,653
The G...
1318
00:55:52,780 --> 00:55:55,897
wants to get his pinball on.
1319
00:55:56,020 --> 00:55:58,170
No worky?
1320
00:56:04,460 --> 00:56:05,336
There you go.
1321
00:56:05,460 --> 00:56:06,575
Come on, come on, yeah.
1322
00:56:06,700 --> 00:56:09,089
Do you want to play some more?
1323
00:56:09,220 --> 00:56:11,097
Ah, you fucking...!
1324
00:56:16,540 --> 00:56:18,337
Thief!
1325
00:56:18,460 --> 00:56:19,973
Hey! Hey!
1326
00:56:20,100 --> 00:56:21,294
Stop! Hey!
1327
00:56:21,420 --> 00:56:23,695
You stop it!
1328
00:56:23,820 --> 00:56:25,856
Hey!
1329
00:56:29,820 --> 00:56:31,811
You fucking fuck!
1330
00:56:41,780 --> 00:56:43,008
Hey!
1331
00:56:47,500 --> 00:56:50,060
Shit!
1332
00:57:12,500 --> 00:57:13,569
Whoa!
1333
00:57:14,940 --> 00:57:16,771
You know, I'm here
to capture The Bearded One,
1334
00:57:16,900 --> 00:57:19,653
so if you have any info on him,
please let me know, but really?
1335
00:57:19,780 --> 00:57:21,293
I don't see why you,
1336
00:57:21,420 --> 00:57:23,854
sir, are messing
with this young lady.
1337
00:57:28,140 --> 00:57:29,858
All right.
1338
00:57:29,980 --> 00:57:31,493
So, we're gonna do this.
1339
00:57:31,620 --> 00:57:34,771
Step aside, motherfuckers.
1340
00:57:34,940 --> 00:57:38,455
100% pure
Japanese Damascus steel.
1341
00:57:38,580 --> 00:57:39,620
Hey, hey, calm down, wait!
1342
00:57:50,900 --> 00:57:53,778
Ah, smell that, sir?
1343
00:57:54,940 --> 00:57:56,419
What's up?
1344
00:57:56,540 --> 00:57:59,452
Smell of a people and a culture
clamoring for democracy.
1345
00:58:02,780 --> 00:58:04,577
And aloo paratha.
1346
00:58:05,900 --> 00:58:07,253
That the bread thing?
1347
00:58:07,380 --> 00:58:09,211
- Yeah, with the potato inside.
- Yeah, yeah.
1348
00:58:09,340 --> 00:58:10,956
- I like that, I like that.
- It's delicious.
1349
00:58:10,980 --> 00:58:12,538
I mean, they make some
good stuff here.
1350
00:58:12,660 --> 00:58:13,660
Bread was invented here
1351
00:58:13,780 --> 00:58:14,656
in the lndus river valley.
1352
00:58:14,780 --> 00:58:15,780
- Really?
- Yeah.
1353
00:58:15,860 --> 00:58:17,134
That's great. Fascinating.
1354
00:58:17,260 --> 00:58:18,136
What's this?
1355
00:58:18,260 --> 00:58:19,260
This...
1356
00:58:19,300 --> 00:58:21,450
regards an American samurai
1357
00:58:21,580 --> 00:58:23,536
who is at loose
in the slums of lslamabad.
1358
00:58:23,660 --> 00:58:25,076
- What does that mean?
- He appeared out of nowhere
1359
00:58:25,100 --> 00:58:28,137
and he botched
an ongoing investigation.
1360
00:58:47,500 --> 00:58:48,615
An American ninja.
1361
00:58:48,740 --> 00:58:50,617
- Samurai.
- An American samurai.
1362
00:58:50,740 --> 00:58:52,935
American Ninja was a movie,
1985, Michael Dudikoff.
1363
00:59:03,180 --> 00:59:04,180
So, who is the guy?
1364
00:59:04,260 --> 00:59:05,260
We have no idea.
1365
00:59:05,300 --> 00:59:06,300
Well, let's find out.
1366
00:59:06,380 --> 00:59:07,859
I will.
1367
00:59:57,540 --> 00:59:58,655
- Gorgeous sunset.
- Oh!
1368
00:59:58,780 --> 00:59:59,780
- Jesus.
- Sorry.
1369
00:59:59,900 --> 01:00:01,128
Don't do that.
1370
01:00:01,260 --> 01:00:02,852
- I wasn't trying to scare you.
- God.
1371
01:00:04,740 --> 01:00:05,855
What do you think?
1372
01:00:05,980 --> 01:00:08,096
Why you have a thobe?
1373
01:00:08,260 --> 01:00:10,216
You still want to go undercover,
don't you?
1374
01:00:10,340 --> 01:00:12,217
Please?
1375
01:00:12,340 --> 01:00:13,773
Look, you're too tall.
1376
01:00:13,900 --> 01:00:15,652
You're going to stick out
like a sore thumb.
1377
01:00:15,780 --> 01:00:17,076
I'm not pretending
to be Pakistani.
1378
01:00:17,100 --> 01:00:18,579
What are you going to be?
1379
01:00:18,700 --> 01:00:20,691
I'm going to be a, uh,
a national living abroad.
1380
01:00:20,820 --> 01:00:22,731
A South African, a Dutchman.
1381
01:00:22,900 --> 01:00:24,777
A Norwegian, perhaps...
a farmer.
1382
01:00:24,940 --> 01:00:26,453
- W... you have this...
- A mercenary.
1383
01:00:26,580 --> 01:00:28,571
Bizarre fantasy that somehow
1384
01:00:28,740 --> 01:00:31,857
you're the Dutch James Bond
or something.
1385
01:00:31,980 --> 01:00:33,379
I love James Bond.
1386
01:00:33,500 --> 01:00:34,796
The Living Daylights
was on last night.
1387
01:00:34,820 --> 01:00:36,048
Timothy Dalton...
1388
01:00:36,180 --> 01:00:38,011
- greatest Bond of all time.
- No.
1389
01:00:38,140 --> 01:00:39,334
- No?
- No, no, no.
1390
01:00:39,500 --> 01:00:40,676
Who do you like...
oh, Sean Connery?
1391
01:00:40,700 --> 01:00:41,815
No.
1392
01:00:41,940 --> 01:00:43,817
- Roger Moore?
- No.
1393
01:00:43,940 --> 01:00:45,612
The-the new guy with the...
1394
01:00:45,740 --> 01:00:47,776
- The m... the Russian thug? No.
- Muscles?
1395
01:00:49,660 --> 01:00:51,730
What's happening
with our American samurai?
1396
01:00:51,860 --> 01:00:55,853
American samurai,
actual name, Gary Faulkner.
1397
01:00:55,980 --> 01:00:57,936
He's been indicted
several times,
1398
01:00:58,100 --> 01:00:59,692
minor, uh, misdemeanors.
1399
01:01:01,140 --> 01:01:03,654
Works as a handyman.
1400
01:01:03,780 --> 01:01:05,691
He's searching
for Osama bin Laden.
1401
01:01:05,860 --> 01:01:07,876
What do you mean, "he's
searching for Osama bin Laden?"
1402
01:01:07,900 --> 01:01:08,900
He's obsessed.
1403
01:01:08,980 --> 01:01:10,049
If this fucking lunatic's
1404
01:01:10,180 --> 01:01:11,295
anywhere near him,
1405
01:01:11,420 --> 01:01:12,614
I'm truly fucked.
1406
01:01:12,780 --> 01:01:14,036
- Do you understand me?
- That's true.
1407
01:01:14,060 --> 01:01:15,236
So this cannot happen,
all right?
1408
01:01:15,260 --> 01:01:16,516
- This is worse...
- This is on you.
1409
01:01:16,540 --> 01:01:18,098
This is worse
than the $5 million.
1410
01:01:18,220 --> 01:01:19,938
It's wo... it's worse
than the $5 million,
1411
01:01:20,060 --> 01:01:22,130
so you know what?
Do your job.
1412
01:01:22,260 --> 01:01:24,137
Find this guy.
Bring him in.
1413
01:01:24,260 --> 01:01:26,455
And we're going
to neutralize him.
1414
01:01:32,460 --> 01:01:34,530
Welcome Al-Qaeda crips
to my cave.
1415
01:01:34,660 --> 01:01:35,940
My name is OBL, Osama bin Laden.
1416
01:01:36,060 --> 01:01:37,812
But this is my homies
on the left here.
1417
01:01:37,940 --> 01:01:39,756
This guy here, he make them
white boys tremble,
1418
01:01:39,780 --> 01:01:41,236
so we just call him Milkshake,
you know.
1419
01:01:41,260 --> 01:01:42,978
We got one DVD box set,
1420
01:01:43,100 --> 01:01:44,249
Seinfeld, man.
1421
01:01:44,380 --> 01:01:45,756
D-don't know...
Jews are funny, man.
1422
01:01:45,780 --> 01:01:47,236
- Like Kramer.
- Jerry!
1423
01:01:47,260 --> 01:01:49,854
Osama, Osama Jr., Osama III,
1424
01:01:49,980 --> 01:01:51,740
'cause Osama Junior Junior
Junior was stupid.
1425
01:01:51,820 --> 01:01:53,620
Yo, Muhammad, third
from the right, who's she?
1426
01:01:53,660 --> 01:01:54,809
My main man, ldi Amin.
1427
01:01:54,940 --> 01:01:56,156
Pulled some tight shit
in Uganda.
1428
01:01:56,180 --> 01:01:57,180
You know what I'm saying?
1429
01:01:57,300 --> 01:01:58,449
Ayatollah Khomeini.
1430
01:01:58,620 --> 01:02:00,178
This guy got
mad beard skills, man.
1431
01:02:00,300 --> 01:02:01,938
Got the baddest
motherfucker alive,
1432
01:02:02,060 --> 01:02:03,129
George W. Bush.
1433
01:02:03,260 --> 01:02:05,854
Oh, God!
1434
01:02:41,780 --> 01:02:42,780
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
1435
01:02:42,820 --> 01:02:44,572
Oh, my God!
1436
01:02:44,700 --> 01:02:47,612
- Get in the truck, Gary.
- Yes, my...
1437
01:02:52,420 --> 01:02:56,254
I'm sorry.
1438
01:02:58,620 --> 01:03:00,338
Where are you going, Gary?
1439
01:03:00,460 --> 01:03:01,893
I don't know.
1440
01:03:02,020 --> 01:03:04,011
You don't even know
where you're going, do you?
1441
01:03:04,140 --> 01:03:06,176
You're just wandering around
aimlessly.
1442
01:03:06,300 --> 01:03:08,018
No particular direction.
1443
01:03:08,140 --> 01:03:10,290
No better than a paramecium.
1444
01:03:10,420 --> 01:03:11,296
A what?
1445
01:03:11,420 --> 01:03:13,297
A paramecium, Gary.
1446
01:03:13,420 --> 01:03:14,700
It's a single cellular life form
1447
01:03:14,860 --> 01:03:16,088
I created some time ago.
1448
01:03:16,220 --> 01:03:17,778
I was pretty proud of it
back then.
1449
01:03:17,900 --> 01:03:19,420
Still around to this day,
because Noah,
1450
01:03:19,500 --> 01:03:21,476
in his infinite wisdom,
chose to put it on the Ark,
1451
01:03:21,500 --> 01:03:22,820
along with syphilis
and gonorrhea.
1452
01:03:22,940 --> 01:03:25,659
Y-you're all-knowing, right?
1453
01:03:25,780 --> 01:03:27,076
Yeah, yeah, I am,
all-knowing. Yeah.
1454
01:03:27,100 --> 01:03:28,356
Well, then,
why don't you help me?
1455
01:03:28,380 --> 01:03:29,396
I mean, just like a-a drop.
1456
01:03:29,420 --> 01:03:30,250
Helping hint.
1457
01:03:30,420 --> 01:03:31,694
There's no hints, Gary.
1458
01:03:31,820 --> 01:03:34,209
This is not a treasure hunt,
or a quiz show.
1459
01:03:34,380 --> 01:03:36,098
You got freedom of choice.
1460
01:03:36,260 --> 01:03:37,613
Freedom of thought.
1461
01:03:37,740 --> 01:03:39,316
Do you know how beautiful
that is? I mean,
1462
01:03:39,340 --> 01:03:40,756
I know every thought
before you think it,
1463
01:03:40,780 --> 01:03:41,956
and let me tell you,
a lot of the thoughts
1464
01:03:41,980 --> 01:03:43,208
you got coming up
1465
01:03:43,340 --> 01:03:44,853
are pretty fucking stupid.
I am God.
1466
01:03:44,980 --> 01:03:46,857
I am the question
and the answer.
1467
01:03:47,020 --> 01:03:49,090
- Yes, my Lord!
- What's this now?
1468
01:03:49,220 --> 01:03:50,276
What's this?
It's not Aladdin.
1469
01:03:50,300 --> 01:03:51,528
I'm not a genie.
1470
01:03:51,660 --> 01:03:53,173
You are genuflecting
too aggressively.
1471
01:03:53,300 --> 01:03:54,813
You're gonna set off the airbag.
1472
01:03:54,940 --> 01:03:56,636
Well, uh, of course,
I could be wrong, my Lord.
1473
01:03:56,660 --> 01:03:58,537
My Sweet Lord,
but I-I think this model
1474
01:03:58,660 --> 01:04:00,093
doesn't come with airbags.
1475
01:04:00,220 --> 01:04:01,653
Shut up, Gary!
1476
01:04:01,780 --> 01:04:02,815
Shut up!
1477
01:04:02,940 --> 01:04:04,293
Sorry. Lord, I'm sorry.
1478
01:04:04,420 --> 01:04:06,297
I'm just... I'm just lost.
1479
01:04:06,420 --> 01:04:09,218
You got any idea how many times
I hear that every day?
1480
01:04:09,340 --> 01:04:10,693
"I'm lost, then I was found.
1481
01:04:10,820 --> 01:04:12,139
I'm blind, now I can see."
1482
01:04:12,260 --> 01:04:14,076
I'm tired of that lost shepherd,
lost sheep shit.
1483
01:04:14,100 --> 01:04:15,453
Yes, Lord.
1484
01:04:15,580 --> 01:04:17,457
- Don't fucking "Yes, Lord" me.
- Yes, Lord.
1485
01:04:17,580 --> 01:04:18,956
- I said don't say that.
- Yes, Lord.
1486
01:04:18,980 --> 01:04:20,777
- Gary! -Yes, Lord.
- What? -No, Lord.
1487
01:04:20,900 --> 01:04:23,733
- Are you saying no to me, Gary?
- No!
1488
01:04:23,860 --> 01:04:26,215
I'm doing too much shit
to worry about this.
1489
01:04:26,340 --> 01:04:28,729
I've got 14 trillion
things to deal with right now.
1490
01:04:28,860 --> 01:04:31,738
I'm doing a million things
in this moment.
1491
01:04:31,860 --> 01:04:34,010
I'm dealing
with Hezbollah, Ebola,
1492
01:04:34,140 --> 01:04:35,858
some guy called Obama,
Coca-Cola.
1493
01:04:35,980 --> 01:04:37,299
I got a lot of shit
to deal with.
1494
01:04:37,420 --> 01:04:38,420
Do you understand me?
1495
01:04:38,540 --> 01:04:40,019
But I just want you to be happy.
1496
01:04:40,140 --> 01:04:42,529
Well, then, Gary, try this.
1497
01:04:42,700 --> 01:04:46,375
I help those
that help themselves.
1498
01:04:52,140 --> 01:04:54,051
Gary began to battle episodes
1499
01:04:54,180 --> 01:04:57,217
of paranoid hallucinations.
1500
01:04:57,380 --> 01:05:00,770
Maybe it was because he had
gone weeks without dialysis.
1501
01:05:00,900 --> 01:05:04,256
Maybe it was because
he had smoked, in his words,
1502
01:05:04,380 --> 01:05:07,736
"A shit-ton of hash."
1503
01:05:24,060 --> 01:05:26,893
He sensed eyes on him,
1504
01:05:27,020 --> 01:05:30,410
and saw danger in every corner.
1505
01:05:32,580 --> 01:05:34,059
Hey!
1506
01:05:35,140 --> 01:05:36,209
Give me that moped.
1507
01:05:36,380 --> 01:05:37,529
Give me that thing.
1508
01:05:37,660 --> 01:05:39,457
Give it up.
1509
01:05:41,140 --> 01:05:42,698
Get out of my way!
1510
01:06:04,900 --> 01:06:06,020
You're letting him get away.
1511
01:06:06,060 --> 01:06:07,209
My handle was bad.
1512
01:06:07,340 --> 01:06:09,456
You're letting him get away!
1513
01:06:13,260 --> 01:06:15,057
Technically, a yacht is, uh,
1514
01:06:15,180 --> 01:06:16,408
anything over 30 feet.
1515
01:06:16,540 --> 01:06:17,836
This was just below,
it was about 26,
1516
01:06:17,860 --> 01:06:19,076
so I wouldn't say it
was a yacht.
1517
01:06:19,100 --> 01:06:20,196
What was the yacht for?
1518
01:06:20,220 --> 01:06:21,699
Uh, sailing in San Diego.
1519
01:06:21,820 --> 01:06:23,412
- Business?
- Uh, yeah. Sure, business.
1520
01:06:23,540 --> 01:06:25,276
Wh... no. I was trying
to get Osama bin Laden.
1521
01:06:25,300 --> 01:06:27,036
That's what I'm here for.
We've already been over this.
1522
01:06:27,060 --> 01:06:28,716
Uh-huh. And-and so what were
you doing in the yacht?
1523
01:06:28,740 --> 01:06:30,580
- Were you smuggling?
- No, I wasn't smuggling.
1524
01:06:30,660 --> 01:06:31,809
I was trying to get here.
1525
01:06:31,940 --> 01:06:34,693
- Who are you working with?
- Uh...
1526
01:06:34,820 --> 01:06:36,436
I'd tell you,
but you wouldn't believe me.
1527
01:06:36,460 --> 01:06:37,893
- MI-5.
- No.
1528
01:06:38,020 --> 01:06:39,135
- SAVAC?
- No.
1529
01:06:39,260 --> 01:06:40,613
- Mossad.
- No.
1530
01:06:40,740 --> 01:06:41,490
- It was...
- No, no.
1531
01:06:41,620 --> 01:06:42,848
I'm a lone wolf.
1532
01:06:42,980 --> 01:06:44,811
- Is that your handler?
- My handler?
1533
01:06:44,940 --> 01:06:46,500
- I don't have a handler.
- You and who?
1534
01:06:46,580 --> 01:06:48,138
- No, it's just me. You know,
- And?
1535
01:06:48,260 --> 01:06:49,396
I-I don't expect
someone like you
1536
01:06:49,420 --> 01:06:50,740
- would understand that.
- Try me.
1537
01:06:50,860 --> 01:06:52,976
- Just give me a name.
Any name. Any contact.
1538
01:06:53,100 --> 01:06:56,172
All right, well, we can talk
about that one right now.
1539
01:06:56,300 --> 01:06:57,858
I-I... it's just me and God.
1540
01:06:57,980 --> 01:06:59,174
Is-is he your handler, God?
1541
01:06:59,300 --> 01:07:00,653
You don't know who God is?
1542
01:07:02,020 --> 01:07:03,772
- He's God!
- Where is he currently?
1543
01:07:03,900 --> 01:07:05,299
- Can we talk to him?
- God?
1544
01:07:05,420 --> 01:07:07,180
- Yeah, can I talk to him?
- He's everywhere.
1545
01:07:07,300 --> 01:07:08,476
- Do you have an email address?
- He's everywhere.
1546
01:07:08,500 --> 01:07:09,700
Just one place.
Name one place.
1547
01:07:09,780 --> 01:07:11,020
Uh, he's right here, right now.
1548
01:07:11,100 --> 01:07:13,056
- You know what I'm going to do?
- What?
1549
01:07:13,180 --> 01:07:14,476
I'm going to make your life
a living hell.
1550
01:07:14,500 --> 01:07:15,596
'Cause I can do that.
1551
01:07:15,620 --> 01:07:16,700
- 'Cause I have power.
- Oh!
1552
01:07:16,820 --> 01:07:18,856
- Is that a threat?
- Yeah. Yeah.
1553
01:07:19,020 --> 01:07:20,533
All right, this is it.
1554
01:07:20,660 --> 01:07:21,979
You know what?
1555
01:07:22,100 --> 01:07:23,836
You'll never even travel again.
You're grounded.
1556
01:07:23,860 --> 01:07:26,818
I am going to send you
out of here right now
1557
01:07:26,940 --> 01:07:28,896
to pack up your shit,
and we're going to
1558
01:07:29,020 --> 01:07:30,476
- put you on a plane,
- Deporting you.
1559
01:07:30,500 --> 01:07:32,196
- And send you back to America.
- I love this.
1560
01:07:32,220 --> 01:07:33,580
- Thank you.
- Where you will stay.
1561
01:07:33,620 --> 01:07:34,940
- Okay.
- You will never come back
1562
01:07:34,980 --> 01:07:36,208
- to Pakistan again.
- Okay.
1563
01:07:36,340 --> 01:07:37,659
- Buh-bye.
- All right. Bye-bye.
1564
01:07:37,780 --> 01:07:38,895
Bye-bye.
1565
01:07:40,420 --> 01:07:42,012
Maybe we should turn him.
1566
01:07:42,140 --> 01:07:43,493
Make him one of ours.
1567
01:07:43,620 --> 01:07:46,339
He's got the goods.
1568
01:07:46,460 --> 01:07:48,337
I just want to say thank you.
1569
01:07:48,460 --> 01:07:51,293
It was good and it was cheap,
1570
01:07:51,420 --> 01:07:52,420
and-and you're my friend,
1571
01:07:52,540 --> 01:07:53,836
- and I love you.
- Thank you, sir.
1572
01:07:53,860 --> 01:07:55,213
You're so kind.
1573
01:07:55,340 --> 01:07:56,568
You'll be always welcome.
1574
01:07:56,700 --> 01:07:59,089
Thank you, sir.
1575
01:07:59,220 --> 01:08:00,414
Shareef Hahsid,
1576
01:08:00,540 --> 01:08:02,053
thank you for keeping me safe.
1577
01:08:06,020 --> 01:08:07,533
Thank you.
1578
01:08:07,660 --> 01:08:08,660
- Bye, sir.
- Bye.
1579
01:08:08,780 --> 01:08:10,008
Have a nice trip.
1580
01:08:10,140 --> 01:08:11,740
- We will miss you.
- I'll miss you, too.
1581
01:08:11,820 --> 01:08:14,698
- Maybe I like to visit America one time.
- Oh, man.
1582
01:08:14,820 --> 01:08:18,096
- You gotta come with me to America, dude.
- Yeah, yeah.
1583
01:08:18,220 --> 01:08:19,892
- If you come back another time,
- Abso...
1584
01:08:20,020 --> 01:08:21,756
- I want to visit your mother place.
- Absolutely, Shareef.
1585
01:08:21,780 --> 01:08:22,996
- Yeah, take care.
- Absolutely.
1586
01:08:23,020 --> 01:08:24,578
Get down!
1587
01:08:26,500 --> 01:08:28,934
It was later learned
that the shots fired
1588
01:08:29,060 --> 01:08:31,654
from the rooftop were not
from an Al-Qaeda sniper,
1589
01:08:31,780 --> 01:08:33,338
but the result of a dispute
1590
01:08:33,460 --> 01:08:35,769
between the shooter
1591
01:08:35,900 --> 01:08:38,095
and the hotel's security guard,
1592
01:08:38,220 --> 01:08:41,257
concerning one of the man 's
two wives and a goat.
1593
01:08:41,380 --> 01:08:42,733
Sorry.
1594
01:08:42,900 --> 01:08:44,219
Sorry, sorry, comi ng through.
1595
01:08:44,340 --> 01:08:45,340
Sorry, coming through.
1596
01:09:02,340 --> 01:09:05,730
Goddamn it!
Fucking scaffolding?!
1597
01:09:07,020 --> 01:09:09,580
Next time use a backup line.
1598
01:09:27,940 --> 01:09:29,817
Taxi! Taxi!
1599
01:09:29,940 --> 01:09:31,658
My friend! My friend!
1600
01:09:31,820 --> 01:09:34,254
- Taxi!
- I will give you a ride. Come.
1601
01:09:35,300 --> 01:09:37,018
Do you see that motorcycle?
1602
01:09:37,140 --> 01:09:38,289
- Follow him.
- Like movie.
1603
01:09:38,420 --> 01:09:40,092
Yeah. Like movie,
1604
01:09:40,220 --> 01:09:41,220
although real.
1605
01:09:41,300 --> 01:09:43,211
Go, Havidee, go!
1606
01:09:45,740 --> 01:09:47,093
Ah! Fuck!
1607
01:09:51,420 --> 01:09:53,411
We have been driving
for two hours.
1608
01:09:53,540 --> 01:09:55,690
I'm running out of gas.
1609
01:09:55,820 --> 01:09:59,335
That son-of-a-bitch
is Al-Qaeda.
1610
01:09:59,460 --> 01:10:01,132
That is his name, Al-Qaeda?
1611
01:10:01,260 --> 01:10:03,060
- No, he's in Al-Qaeda.
- He is?
1612
01:10:03,140 --> 01:10:04,698
That's right.
And he's going to lead us
1613
01:10:04,820 --> 01:10:06,412
- to Osama bin Laden.
- Us?
1614
01:10:06,540 --> 01:10:08,610
- Are you serious?
- I'm damn serious.
1615
01:10:08,740 --> 01:10:10,253
There he is.
He's going up the hill.
1616
01:10:10,380 --> 01:10:11,608
Follow him.
1617
01:10:11,780 --> 01:10:13,116
I'm telling you,
we're gonna lose this guy.
1618
01:10:13,140 --> 01:10:14,209
I cannot, my friend.
1619
01:10:14,340 --> 01:10:16,649
This old thing will not make it
up the road.
1620
01:10:16,780 --> 01:10:18,372
All right. Look, I understand.
1621
01:10:18,500 --> 01:10:20,730
Are you sure
you won't come back with me?
1622
01:10:20,860 --> 01:10:23,055
We could have tea and talk
about football and women.
1623
01:10:23,180 --> 01:10:25,171
Maybe some day, my friend.
Maybe some day,
1624
01:10:25,300 --> 01:10:28,258
but right now,
I've got a job to do.
1625
01:10:39,060 --> 01:10:41,210
After all the hardships,
1626
01:10:41,340 --> 01:10:42,693
the struggles,
1627
01:10:42,820 --> 01:10:44,219
the wrong turns,
1628
01:10:44,340 --> 01:10:46,854
Gary had caught the scent
of his quarry.
1629
01:10:47,020 --> 01:10:52,014
Osama bin Laden was just
over this hill.
1630
01:10:53,580 --> 01:10:55,252
Hello.
1631
01:10:55,380 --> 01:10:57,336
Shit.
1632
01:11:00,340 --> 01:11:04,856
♪ Everybody really wants
to know ♪
1633
01:11:04,980 --> 01:11:09,178
♪ How it is
that I love you so. ♪
1634
01:11:11,780 --> 01:11:13,293
Hi, God.
1635
01:11:13,420 --> 01:11:15,331
Hey, Gary.
1636
01:11:15,460 --> 01:11:17,337
Here you are,
1637
01:11:17,460 --> 01:11:19,530
closer to him
1638
01:11:19,660 --> 01:11:20,775
than ever.
1639
01:11:20,900 --> 01:11:22,811
And he's out here, isn't he?
1640
01:11:22,940 --> 01:11:24,896
You feel him, Gary.
1641
01:11:25,060 --> 01:11:27,096
He's out here.
1642
01:11:35,500 --> 01:11:39,891
I was irresponsible
in making your species.
1643
01:11:40,020 --> 01:11:42,773
Cursing you with consciousness.
1644
01:11:47,540 --> 01:11:49,656
Gary.
1645
01:11:49,780 --> 01:11:51,930
I'm just like you.
1646
01:11:52,060 --> 01:11:55,211
A handyman trying to fix up
a cosmic shack
1647
01:11:55,380 --> 01:11:58,770
with a nail here
and a lick of paint there.
1648
01:11:58,900 --> 01:12:03,291
Knowing that the building
really needs to be condemned.
1649
01:12:03,420 --> 01:12:07,208
People say that I made you
in my image,
1650
01:12:07,340 --> 01:12:10,377
but the truth is,
1651
01:12:10,500 --> 01:12:12,252
you made me in yours.
1652
01:12:15,340 --> 01:12:17,490
That's why we're in trouble.
1653
01:12:31,900 --> 01:12:33,015
The G is in the air.
1654
01:12:34,460 --> 01:12:36,496
King Donkey's in the sky.
1655
01:12:38,340 --> 01:12:39,489
Hey, there.
1656
01:12:39,620 --> 01:12:40,769
It's me.
1657
01:12:40,900 --> 01:12:41,969
It's the G.
1658
01:12:42,100 --> 01:12:44,455
What the hell?
1659
01:12:45,580 --> 01:12:47,935
Oh, shit.
1660
01:12:49,740 --> 01:12:52,334
I see you, Binny boy.
1661
01:12:52,460 --> 01:12:53,973
The time has come.
1662
01:12:54,100 --> 01:12:55,897
The G has arrived.
1663
01:13:17,100 --> 01:13:18,818
Yeah, yeah, y-y-yeah.
1664
01:13:18,940 --> 01:13:21,693
Y-y-yeah, y-y-y-yeah!
1665
01:13:21,820 --> 01:13:24,175
Bin salam alaikum Binny boy.
1666
01:13:24,300 --> 01:13:26,530
Alaikum salaam, Gary Fuckner.
1667
01:13:26,660 --> 01:13:28,298
This is where you live?
1668
01:13:28,420 --> 01:13:29,899
This shit hole?
1669
01:13:30,060 --> 01:13:32,369
What happened to the place
I saw on TV?
1670
01:13:32,500 --> 01:13:33,728
W-What place was that, Gary?
1671
01:13:33,860 --> 01:13:35,088
Your crib, man.
1672
01:13:35,220 --> 01:13:36,619
Don't you watch TV?
1673
01:13:36,740 --> 01:13:38,856
You had all those photos
with the terrorists.
1674
01:13:38,980 --> 01:13:40,698
Your own customized
pinball machine.
1675
01:13:40,860 --> 01:13:43,977
- Pin... what is pinball?
- Don't fuck with me.
1676
01:13:44,100 --> 01:13:45,836
Gary, I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
1677
01:13:45,860 --> 01:13:47,213
You know it's really
very simple.
1678
01:13:47,340 --> 01:13:48,756
Let me see if I can explain
it to you
1679
01:13:48,780 --> 01:13:52,534
in words you might be able
to understand.
1680
01:13:52,660 --> 01:13:54,036
America's the greatest country
on Earth.
1681
01:13:54,060 --> 01:13:55,396
I'm not talking
about the government.
1682
01:13:55,420 --> 01:13:56,516
I might even agree
with you there,
1683
01:13:56,540 --> 01:13:57,734
a bunch of crooks and liars.
1684
01:13:57,860 --> 01:13:59,737
I'm talking
about the people, Osama.
1685
01:13:59,860 --> 01:14:00,860
They're good people.
1686
01:14:00,900 --> 01:14:02,333
Gary, stop it. Stop talking.
1687
01:14:02,460 --> 01:14:03,859
- Uh, oh.
- Shut up.
1688
01:14:03,980 --> 01:14:05,811
- Shut up, is that what you're saying?
- Yes.
1689
01:14:05,940 --> 01:14:07,658
I don't really know
how you got in here,
1690
01:14:07,780 --> 01:14:09,532
or what you're even doing here,
1691
01:14:09,660 --> 01:14:11,252
but I'm going to give you
one chance
1692
01:14:11,380 --> 01:14:12,859
to turn around and leave.
1693
01:14:13,020 --> 01:14:14,156
Oh, you're going
to give me a chance.
1694
01:14:14,180 --> 01:14:15,180
Yes.
1695
01:14:15,260 --> 01:14:17,012
See, I'm Osama bin Lad...
1696
01:14:17,140 --> 01:14:18,476
Don't laugh. I'm Osa...
1697
01:14:18,500 --> 01:14:19,853
Hey.
1698
01:14:19,980 --> 01:14:21,777
- No, I'm Osama bin Laden.
- Okay.
1699
01:14:21,900 --> 01:14:23,196
Yeah, and I'm the head of the Al-Qaeda.
1700
01:14:23,220 --> 01:14:25,529
And I will not rest
until my mission
1701
01:14:25,700 --> 01:14:28,055
is accomplished, or at least
until I die a glorious
1702
01:14:28,180 --> 01:14:29,852
fiery death trying.
Stop laughing.
1703
01:14:29,980 --> 01:14:32,813
I had a feeling you were going
to say something like that.
1704
01:14:32,940 --> 01:14:34,692
In that case...
1705
01:14:34,820 --> 01:14:37,175
looks like I've got a job to do.
1706
01:14:38,300 --> 01:14:39,300
Un-fucking-believable.
1707
01:14:43,780 --> 01:14:44,815
Ooh!
1708
01:14:47,620 --> 01:14:49,053
No! No!
1709
01:14:50,780 --> 01:14:51,849
No!
1710
01:14:51,980 --> 01:14:53,459
Aha!
1711
01:15:00,900 --> 01:15:01,969
Shit!
1712
01:15:12,380 --> 01:15:14,132
My fingers are tingling!
1713
01:15:14,260 --> 01:15:16,140
It's not my fucking fault.
I didn't expect that.
1714
01:15:33,500 --> 01:15:34,933
Stop that.
1715
01:15:35,100 --> 01:15:36,499
♪ How it is that ♪
1716
01:15:36,620 --> 01:15:38,076
- ♪ I love you so ♪
- What are you doing?
1717
01:15:38,100 --> 01:15:39,249
- ♪ My Money ♪
- Lunatic.
1718
01:15:39,380 --> 01:15:40,495
♪ Call me honey ♪
1719
01:15:40,620 --> 01:15:41,636
Just fucking fight
normally, guy.
1720
01:15:41,660 --> 01:15:42,888
♪ Let me say how ♪
1721
01:15:43,020 --> 01:15:44,076
- ♪ There's just a ♪
- We brawl.
1722
01:15:44,100 --> 01:15:45,658
♪ Wave of his hand. ♪
Shut up!
1723
01:15:45,820 --> 01:15:48,459
Let it kill.
1724
01:15:48,580 --> 01:15:50,298
I won! I won!
1725
01:15:56,820 --> 01:15:58,617
Mr. Faulkner.
1726
01:16:00,580 --> 01:16:01,729
- Good morning.
- Hi.
1727
01:16:01,860 --> 01:16:03,134
How are you feeling?
1728
01:16:03,260 --> 01:16:04,836
- Can I get you anything? A Pepsi?
- Stop, stop it.
1729
01:16:04,860 --> 01:16:06,156
He's a diabetic;
don't give him a Pepsi.
1730
01:16:06,180 --> 01:16:07,436
You're gonna throw
him into shock.
1731
01:16:07,460 --> 01:16:09,052
- Where am I? Where am I?
- Diet Pepsi?
1732
01:16:09,220 --> 01:16:10,476
- You are in a hospital
- A U.S. hospital.
1733
01:16:10,500 --> 01:16:11,636
- In Islamabad.
- You were found
1734
01:16:11,660 --> 01:16:13,252
in a field unconscious.
1735
01:16:13,380 --> 01:16:14,449
Where's Osama?
1736
01:16:15,580 --> 01:16:16,615
Osama?!
1737
01:16:17,820 --> 01:16:19,333
Gosh, he's not here.
1738
01:16:19,460 --> 01:16:21,556
- What about the cave?
- Mr. Faulkner, there are millions
1739
01:16:21,580 --> 01:16:22,729
of caves in Pakistan.
1740
01:16:22,900 --> 01:16:24,180
I don't think
you were in a cave.
1741
01:16:24,300 --> 01:16:25,733
Even if you were in a cave,
1742
01:16:25,900 --> 01:16:27,436
we wouldn't be able to identify
which cave you were in.
1743
01:16:27,460 --> 01:16:29,815
- You let him go!
- You know what, you're frustrated.
1744
01:16:29,940 --> 01:16:31,396
- Calm down, your heart.
- We're all frustrated,
1745
01:16:31,420 --> 01:16:32,535
Mr. Faulkner.
1746
01:16:32,700 --> 01:16:34,580
- I had Osama bin Laden!
- You did not have him!
1747
01:16:34,700 --> 01:16:36,340
- And you let him go!
- You never had him!
1748
01:16:36,460 --> 01:16:37,176
- Don't you bother me.
- You never had...
1749
01:16:37,300 --> 01:16:38,380
You let Osama bin Laden go.
1750
01:16:38,500 --> 01:16:40,013
- Stay, please.
- You never had
1751
01:16:40,140 --> 01:16:41,334
- OBL!
- I had him!
1752
01:16:41,500 --> 01:16:43,172
You let him go!
1753
01:17:08,660 --> 01:17:09,660
- Hey.
- Oh, oh!
1754
01:17:11,300 --> 01:17:12,716
- I'm back.
- Oh, my God, get in here.
1755
01:17:12,740 --> 01:17:14,412
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
1756
01:17:14,540 --> 01:17:16,053
Lizzie!
1757
01:17:16,180 --> 01:17:17,180
Guess who it is?
1758
01:17:17,260 --> 01:17:18,534
There she is!
1759
01:17:18,660 --> 01:17:19,775
Oh, I've got surprises.
1760
01:17:19,900 --> 01:17:21,572
I've got goodies.
1761
01:17:21,700 --> 01:17:23,338
Oh, look at this.
1762
01:17:23,500 --> 01:17:24,899
You know what this is?
1763
01:17:25,020 --> 01:17:26,169
Look.
1764
01:17:26,300 --> 01:17:28,860
This is an exotic dress
from Pakistan.
1765
01:17:29,980 --> 01:17:31,049
Isn't that nice?
1766
01:17:31,180 --> 01:17:32,898
- That is gorgeous.
- Yeah, well,
1767
01:17:33,020 --> 01:17:34,460
they were very nice there.
They were.
1768
01:17:34,500 --> 01:17:35,899
They were very welcoming,
1769
01:17:36,020 --> 01:17:37,316
and one day I'd like
to take both of you there.
1770
01:17:37,340 --> 01:17:38,216
It'd be an adventure.
1771
01:17:38,340 --> 01:17:39,340
We'd love to go.
1772
01:17:39,460 --> 01:17:40,336
- Yeah.
- Right?
1773
01:17:40,460 --> 01:17:41,460
Yeah.
1774
01:17:41,580 --> 01:17:42,649
I hope you don't mind.
1775
01:17:42,780 --> 01:17:44,338
I called a radio station,
1776
01:17:44,460 --> 01:17:45,860
and-and I told them
all about you...
1777
01:17:45,940 --> 01:17:46,996
- Radio station?
- And I think they want
1778
01:17:47,020 --> 01:17:48,169
- to interview you...
- Oh.
1779
01:17:48,300 --> 01:17:49,436
Later on this week,
if that's okay.
1780
01:17:49,460 --> 01:17:50,336
An interview?
1781
01:17:50,460 --> 01:17:52,018
Well, I'd have
to check my schedule.
1782
01:17:52,140 --> 01:17:53,368
You know, I have a lot to do.
1783
01:17:53,500 --> 01:17:55,695
I'm-I'm planning
and training and...
1784
01:17:55,820 --> 01:17:57,731
but, uh, well,
we'll see, we'll see.
1785
01:17:57,860 --> 01:17:59,179
- Yeah.
- Oh.
1786
01:17:59,300 --> 01:18:00,636
- I'm glad you're home.
- I'm glad to be back.
1787
01:18:00,660 --> 01:18:01,916
- I am.
- I'm so glad you're home.
1788
01:18:01,940 --> 01:18:03,036
- I'm so glad I'm home.
- Thank you.
1789
01:18:03,060 --> 01:18:04,209
I'm so glad I'm home.
1790
01:18:04,340 --> 01:18:05,676
- Okay, you want to try this on?
- Yeah.
1791
01:18:05,700 --> 01:18:08,692
Duh-duh-duh-duh!
1792
01:18:08,820 --> 01:18:09,696
- Huh?
- Oh!
1793
01:18:09,820 --> 01:18:10,889
Yeah!
1794
01:18:11,020 --> 01:18:12,020
You look great.
1795
01:18:13,300 --> 01:18:14,733
I'll get it!
1796
01:18:18,540 --> 01:18:20,292
- Gary! Gary! Gary!
- The fuck!
1797
01:18:20,420 --> 01:18:22,536
Oh, shit!
1798
01:18:22,660 --> 01:18:24,218
Oh, my God.
1799
01:18:24,340 --> 01:18:25,636
Tell us about your experiences.
1800
01:18:25,660 --> 01:18:27,332
Yeah, yeah, with bin Laden,
yeah.
1801
01:18:27,460 --> 01:18:28,956
Dr. Ross, it's-it's Gary.
1802
01:18:28,980 --> 01:18:30,652
He's on the radio.
1803
01:18:30,820 --> 01:18:32,636
Uh, tell us, Gary,
how did you finance the trip?
1804
01:18:32,660 --> 01:18:34,616
Yeah, I lied
to my kidney doctor.
1805
01:18:34,780 --> 01:18:36,372
I told him I bought
an engagement ring,
1806
01:18:36,500 --> 01:18:39,378
but really I bought a boat
and sailed to Pakistan.
1807
01:18:41,820 --> 01:18:43,196
Most people thought I was crazy,
1808
01:18:43,220 --> 01:18:44,820
but I guess to my friends,
I seem normal.
1809
01:18:44,940 --> 01:18:46,214
Yeah.
1810
01:18:46,340 --> 01:18:47,596
You know, I really could not
1811
01:18:47,620 --> 01:18:48,876
have done anything
without Marci,
1812
01:18:48,900 --> 01:18:49,980
and you know what they say.
1813
01:18:50,100 --> 01:18:51,692
It's easier to beg
for forgiveness
1814
01:18:51,820 --> 01:18:53,697
than to ask for permission.
1815
01:18:53,820 --> 01:18:57,574
Hollywood called, and they want
to make a movie about The G,
1816
01:18:57,700 --> 01:18:59,497
and they said,
"Who do you want to play you?
1817
01:18:59,620 --> 01:19:01,736
Clint Eastwood or Dan Aykroyd?"
1818
01:19:01,860 --> 01:19:03,088
I thought,
"I don't know."
1819
01:19:03,220 --> 01:19:04,699
And then they
brought up Nic Cage.
1820
01:19:04,820 --> 01:19:06,697
I said,
"Nic Cage did Con Air."
1821
01:19:06,820 --> 01:19:09,857
Don't you think I look a little
like Nic Cage in Con Air?
1822
01:19:13,820 --> 01:19:15,572
Let me help you
with the groceries.
1823
01:19:15,740 --> 01:19:17,298
- I can get that.
- Thanks.
1824
01:19:17,420 --> 01:19:19,775
Yeah.
1825
01:19:21,620 --> 01:19:22,689
Lettuce.
1826
01:19:22,820 --> 01:19:23,820
Oh, thanks.
1827
01:19:23,940 --> 01:19:25,089
Oh, wow.
1828
01:19:25,220 --> 01:19:26,858
Roasted marshmallows
are the best.
1829
01:19:26,980 --> 01:19:28,129
These are the best.
1830
01:19:29,940 --> 01:19:33,376
Um... you know, I was going
to make veggie lasagna tonight.
1831
01:19:33,500 --> 01:19:35,491
I'd love to but...
1832
01:19:35,620 --> 01:19:36,900
I-I-I got to be straight
with you
1833
01:19:37,020 --> 01:19:38,658
because I know it's important,
you know.
1834
01:19:38,780 --> 01:19:41,453
I-I'm going back to Pakistan.
1835
01:19:45,300 --> 01:19:46,733
You're going back to Pakistan.
1836
01:19:46,860 --> 01:19:48,737
Well, yeah, I got
to get the job done.
1837
01:19:48,860 --> 01:19:50,293
Are you afraid of anything?
1838
01:19:50,420 --> 01:19:51,489
Does anything scare you?
1839
01:19:51,620 --> 01:19:53,338
Islands.
1840
01:19:53,460 --> 01:19:54,734
Islands? What do you mean?
1841
01:19:54,900 --> 01:19:56,436
- Like... island-islands?
- Yeah... yeah.
1842
01:19:56,460 --> 01:19:57,779
Like Hawaii?
1843
01:19:57,900 --> 01:19:59,236
Yeah, most people
are afraid of islands.
1844
01:19:59,260 --> 01:20:00,900
They just don't know it,
but it's natural.
1845
01:20:00,980 --> 01:20:02,956
It's natural to fear them
because when you're on an island
1846
01:20:02,980 --> 01:20:04,413
you're surrounded and stuff,
1847
01:20:04,580 --> 01:20:05,636
and, anyway, I'm more inclined
1848
01:20:05,660 --> 01:20:06,860
'cause I'm a Leo, and lions...
1849
01:20:06,940 --> 01:20:08,156
they just have no place
on an island.
1850
01:20:08,180 --> 01:20:09,180
I mean, that's a fact.
1851
01:20:09,220 --> 01:20:10,220
That's a fact.
1852
01:20:13,980 --> 01:20:16,210
Do you want to know
what I'm afraid of?
1853
01:20:16,380 --> 01:20:17,495
Bats.
1854
01:20:17,620 --> 01:20:18,769
No.
1855
01:20:19,860 --> 01:20:21,657
That's all I got.
1856
01:20:21,780 --> 01:20:24,453
It's a long list.
1857
01:20:24,580 --> 01:20:26,491
Well, hey, listen...
1858
01:20:26,620 --> 01:20:28,417
as long as I'm around,
1859
01:20:28,540 --> 01:20:31,691
if you need any help
slaying any demons,
1860
01:20:31,820 --> 01:20:33,299
I'm your man.
1861
01:20:33,420 --> 01:20:35,570
And what about
when you're not here?
1862
01:20:44,860 --> 01:20:46,373
- Come on.
- Where's Lizzie?
1863
01:20:46,500 --> 01:20:48,013
School.
1864
01:20:54,060 --> 01:20:55,937
Come on.
1865
01:21:04,700 --> 01:21:07,533
Tonight, I can report
to the American people
1866
01:21:07,660 --> 01:21:10,413
that the United States has
conducted an operation
1867
01:21:10,540 --> 01:21:13,008
that killed Osama bin Laden,
1868
01:21:13,140 --> 01:21:14,255
the leader of Al-Qaeda.
1869
01:21:14,380 --> 01:21:16,610
The images of 9/11 are seared
1870
01:21:16,740 --> 01:21:18,059
into our national memory.
1871
01:21:18,180 --> 01:21:19,408
And a terrorist
1872
01:21:19,540 --> 01:21:21,496
responsible for the murder
of thousands
1873
01:21:21,620 --> 01:21:23,133
of innocent men,
1874
01:21:23,260 --> 01:21:24,375
women, and children.
1875
01:21:24,500 --> 01:21:26,456
Jet planes... cutting through...
1876
01:21:26,620 --> 01:21:28,611
a cloudless September sky.
1877
01:21:28,740 --> 01:21:31,652
The Twin Towers collapsing to the ground.
1878
01:21:31,780 --> 01:21:33,316
I determined
that we had enough...
1879
01:21:33,340 --> 01:21:35,535
Oh, my God, this is a big day
for America, okay.
1880
01:21:35,660 --> 01:21:37,218
Those guys are heroes.
1881
01:21:37,380 --> 01:21:39,735
To get Osama bin Laden
1882
01:21:39,860 --> 01:21:41,373
and bring him to justice.
1883
01:21:41,500 --> 01:21:43,730
The United States launched
a targeted operation
1884
01:21:43,860 --> 01:21:45,612
against that compound...
1885
01:21:45,740 --> 01:21:47,014
Gary, are you okay?
1886
01:21:47,180 --> 01:21:49,136
Oh, yeah.
1887
01:21:50,220 --> 01:21:51,778
That crazy God of mine.
1888
01:21:51,900 --> 01:21:54,937
He sure works
in mysterious ways.
1889
01:21:55,060 --> 01:21:57,335
It's a sign.
1890
01:21:57,460 --> 01:22:00,020
I'd be foolish not to heed it.
1891
01:22:00,140 --> 01:22:03,815
You know, that last construction
company offered me a job.
1892
01:22:05,500 --> 01:22:07,377
Maybe it's time we take this
to the next level.
1893
01:22:08,020 --> 01:22:09,756
There's no doubt that
Al-Qaeda will continue
1894
01:22:09,780 --> 01:22:11,372
to persue attacks against us.
1895
01:22:11,540 --> 01:22:12,996
Traditional procedures
1896
01:22:13,020 --> 01:22:14,851
for lslamic burial
were followed.
1897
01:22:14,980 --> 01:22:18,211
The deceased's body was washed,
then placed in a white sheet.
1898
01:22:18,380 --> 01:22:21,577
After, the body was placed
on a prepared flat board,
1899
01:22:21,700 --> 01:22:23,975
tipped up, whereupon
the deceased's body
1900
01:22:24,100 --> 01:22:25,931
slipped into the sea.
1901
01:22:26,060 --> 01:22:28,494
Well...
1902
01:22:28,620 --> 01:22:30,656
what do you think?
1903
01:22:30,780 --> 01:22:32,771
They buried him at sea.
1904
01:22:32,900 --> 01:22:36,813
Really?
1905
01:22:36,980 --> 01:22:38,891
No pictures yet released,
1906
01:22:39,020 --> 01:22:40,738
but there's still
a lot more information...
1907
01:22:42,820 --> 01:22:46,699
The U.S. government
is embarrassed,
1908
01:22:46,820 --> 01:22:50,210
because they have not caught him
yet, so they want to make us
1909
01:22:50,340 --> 01:22:52,251
believe that he's dead.
1910
01:22:52,380 --> 01:22:55,497
Otherwise,
why not show us his face?
1911
01:22:55,620 --> 01:22:56,939
Show us his body.
1912
01:22:57,060 --> 01:22:58,732
Why-why the burial at sea?
1913
01:22:58,860 --> 01:23:02,739
He's alive and I'm the only one
1914
01:23:02,860 --> 01:23:04,737
who can capture him.
1915
01:23:04,860 --> 01:23:07,055
I am Gary Faulkner.
1916
01:23:07,220 --> 01:23:09,495
I'm the Donkey King.
1917
01:23:09,620 --> 01:23:12,896
It's a lie!
1918
01:23:13,060 --> 01:23:14,459
I'm going back!
1919
01:23:14,580 --> 01:23:16,013
That's right, Lizzie.
1920
01:23:16,140 --> 01:23:17,940
When you find your purpose,
you have to do it.
1921
01:23:18,020 --> 01:23:20,011
You have to do it,
no matter what.
1922
01:23:20,140 --> 01:23:22,176
Lizzie! Lizzie!
1923
01:23:22,300 --> 01:23:23,972
This is my sword.
1924
01:23:24,100 --> 01:23:25,100
Well, it was my sword.
1925
01:23:25,220 --> 01:23:26,220
Now it's your sword.
1926
01:23:26,340 --> 01:23:28,331
Wait a minute.
1927
01:23:28,460 --> 01:23:29,734
You don't need a sword.
1928
01:23:29,860 --> 01:23:31,930
This is just a stick
to hold a balloon.
1929
01:23:33,180 --> 01:23:34,374
Just a handle for joy
1930
01:23:34,540 --> 01:23:36,371
as far as I'm concerned.
1931
01:23:36,540 --> 01:23:38,496
So, you hold on tight,
sweetheart,
1932
01:23:38,620 --> 01:23:40,531
because joy comes forever.
1933
01:23:40,660 --> 01:23:43,857
Joy comes forever.
1934
01:23:43,980 --> 01:23:47,609
Aw, I love you, too, sweetheart.
1935
01:23:47,740 --> 01:23:50,538
Don't wait up, babe.
1936
01:23:56,260 --> 01:23:58,091
Gary!
1937
01:23:58,220 --> 01:24:00,609
Come back.
1938
01:24:02,140 --> 01:24:04,813
Don't worry, I will.
1939
01:24:58,700 --> 01:25:00,292
So, why don't you use
your free will
1940
01:25:00,460 --> 01:25:02,052
and freedom of choice,
1941
01:25:02,180 --> 01:25:04,410
and then make the decision
1942
01:25:04,540 --> 01:25:07,816
that'll make us both proud.
1943
01:25:19,380 --> 01:25:20,574
What?
1944
01:25:22,740 --> 01:25:24,810
What if I just gave up?
1945
01:25:24,980 --> 01:25:27,289
You, me, and...
1946
01:25:27,420 --> 01:25:31,652
Lizzie, we could just
spend some time together.
1947
01:25:37,300 --> 01:25:39,973
I love you, Marci Mitchell.
1948
01:25:42,100 --> 01:25:43,692
I don't know.
1949
01:25:45,980 --> 01:25:47,936
Come on.
1950
01:25:56,780 --> 01:25:58,736
Gary.
1951
01:25:59,780 --> 01:26:01,736
Gary!
1952
01:26:02,980 --> 01:26:04,049
Gary!
1953
01:26:06,140 --> 01:26:08,256
All's I want to go do
is take a nap
1954
01:26:08,380 --> 01:26:10,655
for about two days.
1955
01:26:17,980 --> 01:26:20,892
Gary Faulkner
from Greeley, Colorado,
1956
01:26:21,020 --> 01:26:23,978
was found alone in a forest
in northern Pakistan.
1957
01:26:28,900 --> 01:26:30,396
Well, I was thinking that
someone's got to get him.
1958
01:26:30,420 --> 01:26:31,535
Why not me?
1959
01:26:42,580 --> 01:26:43,716
And joining us now exclusively
1960
01:26:43,740 --> 01:26:45,776
this morning is Gary Faulkner.
1961
01:26:45,940 --> 01:26:47,532
- Good morning.
- Well, good morning.
1962
01:26:47,660 --> 01:26:49,059
Did you find out where he was?
1963
01:26:49,180 --> 01:26:51,140
Yeah, he's waiting in a cave
for me to go get him.
1964
01:27:09,700 --> 01:27:11,196
But because
he had broken no laws,
1965
01:27:11,220 --> 01:27:13,575
Pakistan didn't charge
him with any crime.
1966
01:27:13,700 --> 01:27:16,533
All of this right here,
I didn't even want any of it.
1967
01:27:26,380 --> 01:27:27,972
You were in Pakistan
for ten days.
1968
01:27:28,100 --> 01:27:29,897
You were captured
by the Pakistani officials.
1969
01:27:34,780 --> 01:27:36,196
His trips cost a lot of money,
1970
01:27:36,220 --> 01:27:37,778
but they were not about him.
1971
01:27:37,900 --> 01:27:39,620
He said they were
about the American people.
1972
01:27:44,420 --> 01:27:48,698
I have never met more humble
and open people than that.
1973
01:27:56,340 --> 01:27:58,516
Well, how do you go about
trying to find Osama bin Laden?
1974
01:27:58,540 --> 01:27:59,734
You don't.
1975
01:27:59,860 --> 01:28:01,930
You let the spirit guide you.
140273
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