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From Nashville, Tennessee,
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it's the final presidential debate.
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I'm Kristen Welker, the latest in
a long line of female journalists
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00:00:46,950 --> 00:00:48,719
the President hates more than ISIS.
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00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:51,099
Tonight, I will be muting
the candidates' mics
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during their opponent's remarks,
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which tells you all you need to know
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about one of these candidates.
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Wow! Isn't this great?
Things are going so well for me!
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I'm down by ten points,
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and my hail Mary's calling
Lesley Stahl the C-word.
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The "C" stands for...
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And Vice President Biden.
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Hey there, America!
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This is the last time
you'll be seeing me
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in public till Election Day,
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so get a good looky-loo!
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Mr. President, as COVID
cases rise nationwide,
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how do you plan to fight the pandemic?
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Kristen, the election's
in like three days.
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I got major senioritis.
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Basically, I'm only thinking
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about the post-election
trip to Six Flags.
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This country is a rabid dog
that ran off with the shotgun
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that's supposed to put
it out of its misery.
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I'm gonna actually listen
to the scientists.
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Especially if there's a real pretty one
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who puts her hair up with a pencil
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then lets it down after
a long night in the lab!
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Look at me! Brains and beauty!
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Yoo-hoo!
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President Trump, do you believe
America has a systemic race problem?
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No one has done more for
Black Americans than I have,
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except for Abe Lincoln,
the only president I know about.
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You're dang right America
has a race problem!
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Which is why I want to
take us back to the days
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when Barack Obama was President
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and white Americans could feel fine
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ignoring the race problem!
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00:02:01,870 --> 00:02:04,519
Mr. President, do you
see Russia as a threat
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to U.S. election integrity?
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For my response, I'd like to rehash
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the latest Hunter Biden revelations
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using keywords that can
be cut into an attack ad.
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Hard drive. Ukraine.
Criminal. Not nice. Bad stuff.
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Hey! I'm proud of my unemployable son!
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Thanks, Dad. You love me so
much, it makes me pissed off!
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I am the least-racist
person in this room.
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Kristen, I'm looking at you!
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I heard you say backstage
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that you think Italians
are a little much.
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When I'm president,
my number-one priority
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will be making windows tiny!
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I knew it! As we all know,
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Barack Obama was about to start
nuclear war with North Korea,
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and I had to run into the Oval Office
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in slow motion and scream...
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N-o-o-o-o!
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Think of the children!
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Of which I have four! Or five!
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Shit. We're almost out of time,
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and we need to cover the
biggest threat to mankind.
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Just some up your climate-change
thing in five words.
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Green New Deal but less!
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74 years old. Don't care.
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By the way, Kristen,
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I respect very much the
way you're handling this.
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Nope. We're not doing that.
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Kristen, you're acting like a
real Lesley Stahl right now.
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Enough! This whole thing is rigged!
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It's completely unfair that
Joe is more likable than me!
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I'm leveling the playing
field with a surprise guest
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who answered the phone
halfway through the first ring.
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Did someone say "likability problem"?
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Listen up, Dangerous Donald.
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Healthy Hillary says you better
kick this Pokémon COVID
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in the Cardi B-hind.
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Oh, that's the stuff.
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She's like a warm,
unbearably itchy blanket.
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Kristen, you couldn't
mute me if you tried.
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Stay strong, Ghislaine!
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That's all the time we have.
Thanks for joining us.
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And don't forget... the
election is in... two weeks?!
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Holy fucking shit!
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Grab anything that's not bolted
to the White House floor!
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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Welcome to Meet the Press.
I'm your host, Chuck Todd.
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And contrary to popular opinion,
I have lost all my baby teeth.
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Today we're discussing Trump's latest
"Work From School" initiative,
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which would turn our
nation's public schools
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into underage workhouses.
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Here to respond are two
Democrats so powerful,
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they don't feel the need to flaunt it
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with a bunch of fancy
legislative accomplishments...
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Senator Schumer and Speaker Pelosi.
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We'd like to go on the record
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disavowing the Work From School program
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as "not nice"!
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Let me be clear... the Democratic Party
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only tolerates child labor abroad.
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If President Trump is not careful,
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we will have no choice but
to strongly denounce him.
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We're not there yet, but
that strong denunciation
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is locked and loaded on
the tips of our tongues.
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Strong language, Chuck.
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Powerful words from a powerful Chuck.
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- Chalk it up to Chuck, Chuck.
- That's enough, Chucks!
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With the President's
popularity sinking faster
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than the tit-titular ship,
uh, in the movie Titanic,
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Democrats seem poised to
control the House and Senate,
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which means a lot of power
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- for the both of you.
- Yes!
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I haven't a... I haven't
asked my question yet.
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- Exactly.
- Look at us.
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Televised as hell!
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We are damn good at our jobs.
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Bust out the Aspercreme!
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'Cause you're getting a workout
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when the Dems win the Senate.
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First? Defund the police.
Then universal healthcare.
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Then we enter Phase Four,
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which I like to call "Guillotine Time"!
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Please. We're the Democratic Party.
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We don't do things.
We let the other guys do things
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then look at what they did and
say, "What are ya gonna do?"
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As famous old guy Peter
Parker once said,
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"With great power comes
great responsibility."
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The left will not squander
a Senate majority.
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Not on my Apple Watch.
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Delicious!
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This is exactly how I like my steak...
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overcooked on the outside
and frozen on the inside.
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That way, I can have all
the temperatures at once
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and don't have to choose.
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Eat up, Susie! You deserve it!
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You never call me out, and you
always defend my behavior!
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You're a true friend
to me and democracy!
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I'm happy to serve a small
minority of my country,
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but I'm worried I might lose re-election
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if I endorse or don't endorse Trump.
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If you want, I can teach you to sob
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until they let you keep your job!
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I just wish reporters
would stop bullying me.
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Whatever happened to the Grand Old Party
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of zero accountability?
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Just say the first thing
that comes to your mind
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then let everyone elevate
you to a station of power.
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Although, results may
vary because you're a...
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- a woman!
- I'll try.
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Senator Collins, will you be voting
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for President Trump's re-election?
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Uh... um... um...
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Ouch! That window was closed!
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However, it was very clean.
Five stars on Yelp!
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Change! Forward! Yes, we can!
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When they go low, we go high hopes!
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Join me in celebrating our tag team
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of legislative responsibility,
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Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi!
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Do you hear this?
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He's selling them hope and change again!
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Don't worry. He'll be a good Democrat
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and keep his promises
frustratingly vague.
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Remember what we did the last time
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Democrats controlled
the House and Senate?
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We passed Obamacare.
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And all we had to do
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was leverage the political power
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of every elected Democrat
in the United States,
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burn all the good will earned
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from electing the nation's first
African-American president,
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and fuel the rise of the
far-right Tea Party movement.
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We gave many, but not all people
moderately expensive healthcare
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for four glorious years of
congressional gridlock.
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And with Pelosi and Schumer,
we can do more.
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Whoo!
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We're setting them up for failure, baby!
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_
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I'm Bolf Witzler,
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and, yes, I just made a mistake.
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Senator Collins suffered
a humiliating gaffe
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when she dodged a reporter's question
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by plunging through a glass window.
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But the public still wants to know...
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will Collins vote for President
Trump's re-election?
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It used to be that a
public official's vote
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was between them, their ballot box,
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and the donors who filled
in the ballot for them.
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What? Yeah! Uh-huh!
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Just tell them to check in
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after Squee's annual
OctSqueeberFest bash!
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If I tell them I'm voting for Trump,
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I'll lose my trademark
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"will she, won't she,
she will" reputation.
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Life was easy back then.
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I just went to the family bar,
shook a few barnacled hands,
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and won my first Senate race.
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If only I could do that now...
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Moose!
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I'm horny!
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We brought you here today
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to discuss the future of
the Democratic Party.
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- Universal Healthcare?!
- Enacting policies that improve
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the American people's
lives for the better?!
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- Amy Klobuchar?!
- No. No. And no way in hell.
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We're announcing an agenda
for the first 100 days of office
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if Democrats take control of the Senate.
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A radical plan that will
change politics as we know it!
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This is the same agenda as always,
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but in a different fuckin' font!
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Yeah! A cool new font.
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Garamond, to be specific. Jinxies!
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I represent the people,
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and the people want
what the people want,
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00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:53,039
and the people, they
don't want that, people!
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Calm down, Bernard.
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This isn't the "Joe Roegman" Radio Hour.
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I came out of super-max
quarantine for this?
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00:08:59,870 --> 00:09:03,100
Shape up, or this party will
be sabotaged by millennials
220
00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:05,919
who have a lot of anger
towards JK Rowling
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00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,950
and nowhere else to channel it!
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You got this, Collins.
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Just say nothing and
everything at the same time.
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You will not jump out of a window again.
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00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:18,890
Senator Collins!
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00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,644
Will you be supporting
Trump's re-election?
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00:09:20,645 --> 00:09:23,359
Um, uh, b... Well... Uh, d-double talk.
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Uh... Aah!
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♪ Uh-oh, oh, no ♪
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♪ Susan Collins has to have an opinion ♪
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What the hell?!
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00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:33,447
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh ♪
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00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,383
♪ Susan Collins has
to make up her mind ♪
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♪ Oh, she's so indecisive! ♪
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♪ Uh-oh, oh, no ♪
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00:09:39,350 --> 00:09:42,374
♪ Susan Collins has to
state a point of view ♪
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Susan is unavailable for comment.
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♪ Uh-oh ♪
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- Brett, is that you?
- Yes.
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00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,359
Oh, thank God you're not
some journalist here
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to ask me personal questions like,
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"Why are you covered in glass?"
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00:09:56,893 --> 00:09:58,722
Anyway, why are you in the wall?
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00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:00,449
Ohh! That's where I am?
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00:10:00,450 --> 00:10:02,640
I just woke up from a two-day bender
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00:10:02,650 --> 00:10:04,849
and assumed I was in my coffin!
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00:10:04,850 --> 00:10:07,119
I can't live like this anymore.
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00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,191
How about we get the heck out of here?
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00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:11,743
- But where will we go?
- Far, far away,
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00:10:11,744 --> 00:10:13,940
to a land where the city seal
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is a reindeer drunk-driving
a snowmobile.
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Caribou, Maine.
253
00:10:18,270 --> 00:10:21,192
Awesome! A place where
no one will call me out!
254
00:10:21,193 --> 00:10:23,513
All my demons live in
the Washington area.
255
00:10:23,514 --> 00:10:25,779
Escape your demons with me!
256
00:10:25,780 --> 00:10:27,722
As long as I can drink in the backseat!
257
00:10:27,723 --> 00:10:29,039
Is that legal?
258
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:30,879
I don't know! Do you know?
259
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,699
I don't know, Supreme Court
Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
260
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,519
- Shouldn't you know?
- I don't know!!
261
00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:36,853
Case closed!
262
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,014
I had the worst dream.
263
00:10:39,015 --> 00:10:40,265
Me too.
264
00:10:40,270 --> 00:10:41,571
I dreamed I was talking like...
265
00:10:41,573 --> 00:10:44,759
- Bernie Sanders!
- Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!
266
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:46,019
Promise me we'll never have to know
267
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:47,790
the chaos of a blank Word document
268
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:49,619
titled "Green New Deal Brainstorm."
269
00:10:49,620 --> 00:10:52,139
Controlling the House
is only symbolic power.
270
00:10:52,140 --> 00:10:55,429
It grants me access to the Speaker
of the House-only bathroom.
271
00:10:55,430 --> 00:10:56,819
There's only one option.
272
00:10:56,820 --> 00:10:59,419
Let's destroy Democrats'
chances of winning the Senate
273
00:10:59,420 --> 00:11:02,119
so we never, ever have to be
accountable for our power.
274
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,679
Let's get our asses kicked!
275
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:06,379
So... what are you wearing?
276
00:11:06,380 --> 00:11:09,100
A type of girdle that was
made illegal in 1982.
277
00:11:09,110 --> 00:11:10,629
Good night, Chuck!
278
00:11:11,580 --> 00:11:13,039
If we're going to lose the Senate,
279
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,139
we must target these three marks.
280
00:11:15,140 --> 00:11:18,259
North Carolina. Colorado.
Arizona. Got it.
281
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:19,899
And who better to sink our chances
282
00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:23,022
than agent of chaos
Hillary Rodham Clinton.
283
00:11:23,023 --> 00:11:24,899
You know what to do. Lose!
284
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:26,739
You do it better than anyone else.
285
00:11:26,740 --> 00:11:30,079
Ha ha! Well, I won the popular vote.
286
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,749
Yes! Talk to everyone exactly like that!
287
00:11:32,750 --> 00:11:35,620
Pokémon Go... to the mines!
288
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,272
This is it.
289
00:11:38,273 --> 00:11:41,032
Where is the booze?
Where's P.J. and mah boys?
290
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:42,779
Where's the body shots and the bodies
291
00:11:42,780 --> 00:11:44,219
that the shots go on top of?
292
00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:47,622
This place is a dump! And not
the cool kind like O'Shittery's!
293
00:11:47,623 --> 00:11:50,039
I don't think bars
come with the "party."
294
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,499
We have to "start" the business.
295
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:55,460
Oh. How do you "start" "a" "business"?
296
00:11:55,470 --> 00:11:56,612
Good question.
297
00:11:56,613 --> 00:11:59,289
How do you find new places to drink?
298
00:11:59,290 --> 00:12:02,019
Me and the Kavasquad drive
till I hit a telephone pole,
299
00:12:02,020 --> 00:12:05,141
then we make the tow-truck
driver stop at his favorite bar.
300
00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:08,059
But how do you find a bar when
your license is suspended?
301
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,479
Sometimes I'll see a commercial
302
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,352
that says my favorite radio jockey,
303
00:12:11,353 --> 00:12:15,192
Ramiro the Freakin' Albanian,
is making a club appearance!
304
00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:18,529
Hmm. It sounds like you're
suggesting we make an ad.
305
00:12:18,530 --> 00:12:21,999
Yeah! Holy shit! I'm gonna be on TV!
306
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,162
I'll start working on my crying face!
307
00:12:29,770 --> 00:12:31,819
Because Hillary made coal miners
308
00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:33,819
do the Renegade dance at gunpoint,
309
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:37,492
we are gathered here today to
mourn our tanking poll numbers
310
00:12:37,493 --> 00:12:39,942
in Senator Hickenlooper's Colorado race.
311
00:12:39,943 --> 00:12:43,979
If we could please bow our
heads for a moment of silence.
312
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:46,659
Sorry for interrupting whatever this is,
313
00:12:46,660 --> 00:12:49,199
but President Trump has just
outsourced the management
314
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,560
of his Work From School program
315
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:53,229
to mercenary Blackwater Contractors?
316
00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:55,059
So... that's bad?
317
00:12:55,060 --> 00:12:58,019
This has caused a polling
upswing for Senate Democrats.
318
00:12:58,020 --> 00:12:59,579
Damn it! I mean... Damn it.
319
00:12:59,580 --> 00:13:01,279
I mean, uh, damn it.
320
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,289
Press conference over!
321
00:13:02,290 --> 00:13:04,802
Go home to your Games
of Throne. I know I will.
322
00:13:04,803 --> 00:13:07,359
Even when we try to lose,
Trump makes us win.
323
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:08,699
It's time for a hail Mary.
324
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:10,099
Get into the mind of Mitch McConnell
325
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:12,439
to tank Democrats' chances
of re-election for good?
326
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,499
Sounds invasive.
We can't do that to a friend.
327
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:16,253
- Then what?
- Let's find out how to sink
328
00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:19,142
the Democratic party from our
frenemies, Bernie and AOC.
329
00:13:19,143 --> 00:13:21,419
Ugh! But Bernie chews
with his mouth open
330
00:13:21,420 --> 00:13:23,139
whether he's eating or not!
331
00:13:23,140 --> 00:13:24,887
Jinxies!
332
00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:28,872
Do you like bar? Do you like restaurant?
333
00:13:28,873 --> 00:13:33,072
Well, then, have we got
a place for you or you!
334
00:13:33,073 --> 00:13:35,482
Come on down. Or don't!
335
00:13:35,483 --> 00:13:38,882
I'm not going to tell you
what to do either way.
336
00:13:38,883 --> 00:13:41,083
Are we advertising a
bar or a restaurant?
337
00:13:41,084 --> 00:13:44,739
I don't know. I don't want
to make that decision.
338
00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:45,852
What if we call it...
339
00:13:45,853 --> 00:13:48,359
The Bar Or Restaurant Restaurant?!
340
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:50,359
That's a great idea!
341
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,412
We'll let customers decide
what we sell to them.
342
00:13:53,413 --> 00:13:55,620
The Bar Or Restaurant Restaurant...
343
00:13:55,630 --> 00:13:57,342
where a drunk can be a drunk.
344
00:13:57,343 --> 00:13:59,370
- Or not!
- Puuughh!
345
00:13:59,631 --> 00:14:03,919
So, what do you panhandling
Antifa generals want?
346
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,679
Remember... we're going
to do the opposite
347
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:06,720
of everything they say.
348
00:14:06,721 --> 00:14:08,749
Chuck, we are on your side.
349
00:14:08,750 --> 00:14:11,439
Yeah. Sure. The same s... same side.
350
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,642
We want you to listen to constituents
351
00:14:13,643 --> 00:14:15,814
and then pass legislation
that reflects their concerns.
352
00:14:15,815 --> 00:14:19,809
"Listen... to... constituents."
353
00:14:19,810 --> 00:14:21,843
- We want you to...
- Eh, I'm not done writing that line yet.
354
00:14:21,844 --> 00:14:24,599
"Pass... legislation."
355
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:25,859
And call out Trump,
356
00:14:25,860 --> 00:14:28,993
but use stronger language than,
"Hey, get a load of this guy."
357
00:14:28,994 --> 00:14:32,739
"Call... out... Trump."
358
00:14:32,740 --> 00:14:34,219
Do you really need to write this down?
359
00:14:34,220 --> 00:14:36,333
This doesn't come
naturally to me, okay?!
360
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:37,822
I'll keep it simple, stupid.
361
00:14:37,823 --> 00:14:39,542
Just denounce Trump at every turn.
362
00:14:39,543 --> 00:14:42,099
Every turn. Or we'll
tear this party apart
363
00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:43,640
like it was a budget-line item
364
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:45,968
promising to buy the police a bazooka.
365
00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:48,272
Okay. Got it. Thank you for your time.
366
00:14:48,273 --> 00:14:49,930
You know what that means.
367
00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:51,922
Time to align ourselves with Trump
368
00:14:51,923 --> 00:14:54,599
to lose the Senate for
Democrats! Jinxies!
369
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:55,762
Buy me an ice-cream freezer.
370
00:14:55,763 --> 00:14:58,402
Ooh. Not sure I can
afford one right now.
371
00:14:58,403 --> 00:14:59,816
How 'bout a Tesla?
372
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,939
Is the new social-distancing rule
373
00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:06,199
that bars can only have one
blackout drunk patron at a time?
374
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:09,408
We need to do something
to get the party going.
375
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,262
I can't decide for myself.
376
00:15:11,263 --> 00:15:15,289
I need you sober enough
to tell me what to do.
377
00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:17,458
N-o-o-o!!
378
00:15:18,583 --> 00:15:21,990
Stupid idiot sign with the idiot nails!
379
00:15:23,073 --> 00:15:25,272
Brett, what did you do?
380
00:15:25,273 --> 00:15:28,192
I ripped this off the sign
because it looked at me funny!
381
00:15:28,193 --> 00:15:30,719
You think you're better
than me, word-on-a-sign?!
382
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:32,929
I went to law school!
383
00:15:32,930 --> 00:15:35,159
The Bar Restaurant Restaurant.
384
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,179
That sounds like a great
place to get piss-drunk
385
00:15:37,180 --> 00:15:38,320
and yell at my dad!
386
00:15:38,330 --> 00:15:40,981
Whoo! To Squee!
387
00:15:40,982 --> 00:15:43,859
On behalf of the Democratic party,
388
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:45,772
we'd like to commend President Trump
389
00:15:45,773 --> 00:15:48,419
on his brilliant Work
From School program
390
00:15:48,420 --> 00:15:50,060
which will kickstart our economy
391
00:15:50,070 --> 00:15:52,073
with little children-sized feet.
392
00:15:52,074 --> 00:15:53,879
It's time to put these
youngsters to work.
393
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:55,199
And if they're old enough to work,
394
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,383
they're old enough to date.
395
00:15:56,384 --> 00:15:59,699
Ah-ah-ah! No need to
speak, Mr. President.
396
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:03,192
You've done enough. Thank you
for your fearless leadership.
397
00:16:03,193 --> 00:16:05,352
You're right! I am a fearless big boy!
398
00:16:05,353 --> 00:16:07,999
The only thing I'm afraid of
is the drug-induced Babadook
399
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,930
who appears each night
to sit on my chest
400
00:16:09,940 --> 00:16:11,579
until I agree to nuke Iran.
401
00:16:11,580 --> 00:16:14,400
Great speech, Mr. President.
Let's quit while we're ahead.
402
00:16:14,410 --> 00:16:16,119
Cool. I gotta call the prime minister
403
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,539
of some [BLEEP]-hole country anyway.
404
00:16:17,540 --> 00:16:19,600
- Photo opp over!
- It's working, Nancy!
405
00:16:19,610 --> 00:16:21,019
Polls show support for Democrats
406
00:16:21,020 --> 00:16:22,659
has plummeted after party leaders
407
00:16:22,660 --> 00:16:25,339
did what one voter described
as "literally the only thing
408
00:16:25,340 --> 00:16:27,444
they had to avoid doing
to pull this one out."
409
00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:29,782
We're projected to lose
every toss-up Senate race!
410
00:16:29,783 --> 00:16:32,032
Crisis averted!
411
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,302
Hey. What's today's special?
412
00:16:35,303 --> 00:16:36,995
Um, uh, um...
413
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:40,415
Today's special is... Narsty Lite.
414
00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:42,832
Okay. I'll take one of those.
415
00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:44,832
Brett! Did you just see that?!
416
00:16:44,833 --> 00:16:48,459
I made a decision, and I
shamelessly stuck by it!
417
00:16:48,460 --> 00:16:52,300
I'm a regular Sophie from that
movie where she makes a choice.
418
00:16:52,310 --> 00:16:55,799
I didn't see it, but I bet
she'd be proud of me.
419
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,268
Susie! Hand me another Narsty Lite!
420
00:16:58,270 --> 00:16:59,969
O-kay!
421
00:16:59,970 --> 00:17:04,523
A yearbook is like a
diary! It is private!
422
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,599
This is actually kind of fun!
423
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:10,049
Choosing Narsty Lites
is like choosing sides.
424
00:17:10,050 --> 00:17:12,320
Maybe I can do it!
425
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:17,029
We did it. Soak it in, Nancy.
426
00:17:17,030 --> 00:17:18,939
This is the Senate chamber
we'll never control.
427
00:17:18,940 --> 00:17:19,953
We knew it!
428
00:17:19,954 --> 00:17:22,955
The establishment is sabotaging
the Democratic party!
429
00:17:22,956 --> 00:17:24,640
We're done. We're starting a new party.
430
00:17:24,650 --> 00:17:26,999
- Your ass is grass, Chucky.
- Excuse me?
431
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,123
You heard him! Swing left dot com,
432
00:17:29,124 --> 00:17:30,859
hashtag defund democrats,
433
00:17:30,860 --> 00:17:33,659
backslash America's canceled dot gov!
434
00:17:33,660 --> 00:17:36,590
Look at me. Look at me.
We're the captains now.
435
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,409
This is all just a big misunderstanding.
436
00:17:39,410 --> 00:17:42,199
Uh, falso! You blew up the
party to spite your base.
437
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,219
Now we're not only losing in the Senate;
438
00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:46,148
we're projected to lose the House!
439
00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:47,439
Lose the House?!
440
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:48,902
- Obvi!
- Jinxies.
441
00:17:48,903 --> 00:17:50,942
Buy me a pair of sustainable
TOMS slippers
442
00:17:50,943 --> 00:17:53,989
so another pair will be donated
to shoeless children in Africa.
443
00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:56,712
But that means I'll lose the
Speaker of the House bidet!
444
00:17:56,713 --> 00:17:59,032
I can't pee in the same
bathroom as Liz Cheney.
445
00:17:59,033 --> 00:18:00,287
She hums!
446
00:18:02,713 --> 00:18:05,362
Randy. Heard about you and the wife.
447
00:18:05,363 --> 00:18:08,522
You gotta leave her, man.
She's holding you back.
448
00:18:08,523 --> 00:18:10,279
I've decided.
449
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,459
Paula, you're deciding
between tequila and vodka.
450
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:16,659
Hm. Let's go with tequila
since vodka makes you play
451
00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,400
with that handgun in your purse.
452
00:18:18,410 --> 00:18:20,057
Decided!
453
00:18:20,058 --> 00:18:22,822
A dirty Narsty Lite with
six shots of absinthe.
454
00:18:22,823 --> 00:18:24,299
You got it, Brett Kavanaugh.
455
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:26,730
A decision... I've made!
456
00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:30,262
You know, for a Supreme Court justice,
457
00:18:30,263 --> 00:18:34,279
your taste in drinks is
kinda "small-claims court."
458
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,940
Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
459
00:18:35,950 --> 00:18:38,069
Okay, okay. I can take it.
460
00:18:38,070 --> 00:18:40,535
It's not like I publicly
cry all the time.
461
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:43,402
I mean, you really do have bad taste.
462
00:18:43,403 --> 00:18:46,239
No wonder you're always on the same side
463
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,379
as that pube freak Clarence Thomas.
464
00:18:49,380 --> 00:18:51,180
Um, hello!
465
00:18:51,190 --> 00:18:53,439
He's the only other guy whose
confirmation was tainted
466
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:57,010
by credible claims of sexual
misconduct! We clicked!
467
00:18:57,011 --> 00:19:00,209
You are the Narsty Lite
of appointed judges...
468
00:19:00,210 --> 00:19:04,479
regrettable in the moment and
even worse the next day.
469
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,822
You can come for me,
470
00:19:05,823 --> 00:19:08,422
but don't you dare
insult my Narsty Lite!
471
00:19:08,423 --> 00:19:10,592
You've crossed the line, Collins!
472
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,832
What'll happen to democracy
473
00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:17,940
and my "hashtag boss babe" status
474
00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:20,158
if the Democrats lose the House?!
475
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,919
Chuck?! Are you even listening?!
476
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:24,429
- I hear you.
- Well, aren't you gonna say anything?
477
00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:25,439
I'm not worried about it.
478
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,999
You're not worried
because you have a plan
479
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,977
or you're not worried because
things will be fine?
480
00:19:28,978 --> 00:19:31,329
As long as I'm the last
Democratic senator standing,
481
00:19:31,330 --> 00:19:33,439
I'll always have an
exclusive pot to piss in
482
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,173
and oil money to shill. I'm golden.
483
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,929
Have you no shame, sir?
484
00:19:36,930 --> 00:19:38,419
I was fine with doing nothing
485
00:19:38,420 --> 00:19:41,089
when the police were body
slamming 90-year-olds.
486
00:19:41,090 --> 00:19:42,539
I was okay with inaction
487
00:19:42,540 --> 00:19:44,699
when millions of Americans
lost their jobs
488
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:46,102
because of a global pandemic
489
00:19:46,103 --> 00:19:49,353
that we knew was coming and in
many instances made money from.
490
00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:50,360
I was even okay
491
00:19:50,370 --> 00:19:54,033
when the Arctic started looking
like a melted raspberry slushie.
492
00:19:54,034 --> 00:19:55,460
But I will not lose
493
00:19:55,470 --> 00:19:58,429
the Speaker of the House
bathroom privileges!
494
00:19:58,430 --> 00:20:00,739
Don't worry, Nance. This will
all be worth it in the end.
495
00:20:00,740 --> 00:20:02,039
No power, no problem.
496
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:05,659
For the first time in our
decades-old political alliance,
497
00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:08,207
I regret co-conspiring with you.
498
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:17,048
Hey, who spilled my dirty Narsty Lite?!
499
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:19,593
Uh, you did. We just saw you.
500
00:20:19,594 --> 00:20:21,428
Shut up!
501
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:25,439
Stop it! Stop it!
502
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:28,819
This is not what The Bar
Restaurant Restaurant
503
00:20:28,820 --> 00:20:30,872
Bar Restaurant is about!
504
00:20:30,873 --> 00:20:34,399
Get out, Brett Kavanaugh.
I'm cuttin' you off.
505
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,602
How dare you call me out on
my destructive behavior!
506
00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:40,042
I thought you were my friend!
507
00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:51,625
Nobody holds Brett
Kavanaugh accountable!
508
00:20:51,626 --> 00:20:55,045
Brett! Don't do it! How could you?
509
00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:57,009
How could me? How could you?!
510
00:20:57,010 --> 00:20:59,222
You made fun of me in
front of all those people
511
00:20:59,223 --> 00:21:01,629
like I'm some kind of drunk clown.
512
00:21:01,630 --> 00:21:04,340
- Well, I mean, c'mon...
- You're the clown!
513
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:08,260
The sad little clown
named... Susan Collins.
514
00:21:08,270 --> 00:21:10,320
Fuck! I can't think of anything!
515
00:21:10,330 --> 00:21:12,590
Fair is fair! You call me a mean name,
516
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,159
I burn your life to the ground!
517
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,270
That's the Brett Kavanaugh Experience!
518
00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:22,039
Oh, you are the worst choice
I ever made in my life!
519
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,979
And to think, I could have started
520
00:21:23,980 --> 00:21:26,559
The Bar Restaurant Restaurant Bar
521
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,662
with Merrick Garland!
522
00:21:28,663 --> 00:21:31,052
You made your decision. Live with it.
523
00:21:31,053 --> 00:21:32,579
Buuuughhh!
524
00:21:40,740 --> 00:21:45,270
I'm here to lightly condemn the
GOP's newest anti-LGBT bill
525
00:21:45,273 --> 00:21:47,432
mandating a new season of Will & Grace
526
00:21:47,433 --> 00:21:50,152
where every episode ends
with Will marrying Grace.
527
00:21:50,153 --> 00:21:53,187
It is very... not nice.
528
00:21:53,188 --> 00:21:54,699
And I denounce...
529
00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:56,400
I'm sorry, but it's just not the same
530
00:21:56,410 --> 00:21:57,760
without anyone to jinxies with.
531
00:21:57,770 --> 00:21:59,309
Sorry. Excuse me. Jinxies?
532
00:21:59,310 --> 00:22:00,569
Is that on the record?
533
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:05,079
- Isn't this awesome?
- I guess. Heh.
534
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:06,589
I don't know. Not really.
535
00:22:06,590 --> 00:22:11,129
Then why did the DSA just
repost us on their Finstagram?
536
00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:13,730
I don't even know what those words mean.
537
00:22:16,023 --> 00:22:17,461
Thanks for nothin'.
538
00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:20,840
I'm just going to retire
from the Senate in dignity.
539
00:22:20,850 --> 00:22:22,619
I've decided.
540
00:22:22,620 --> 00:22:25,039
_
541
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:26,589
Why's that?
542
00:22:26,590 --> 00:22:28,680
_
543
00:22:28,710 --> 00:22:31,539
_
544
00:22:31,540 --> 00:22:33,279
Oh. You're right.
545
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,559
Another terrible decision in a long line
546
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:39,149
of terrible decisions from me.
547
00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:41,599
_
548
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:43,399
You're right.
549
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,450
_
550
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:48,949
_
551
00:22:48,950 --> 00:22:51,819
I don't, either. What's done is done.
552
00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:53,190
_
553
00:22:53,980 --> 00:22:55,470
_
554
00:22:55,490 --> 00:22:58,199
_
555
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:00,239
What's that?
556
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:01,909
_
557
00:23:01,910 --> 00:23:04,759
Puuugggh!
558
00:23:05,850 --> 00:23:07,302
Thank you both for coming.
559
00:23:07,303 --> 00:23:08,673
I'm surprised you're not too busy
560
00:23:08,674 --> 00:23:10,340
flossing with your new comrades.
561
00:23:10,350 --> 00:23:13,579
I'm surprised you're not taking
a dump on the House floor.
562
00:23:13,580 --> 00:23:17,362
Enough. I brought you together
to work out your differences.
563
00:23:17,363 --> 00:23:20,452
I am sick of constantly
cleaning up your messes.
564
00:23:20,453 --> 00:23:22,379
I'm retired. I got a Netflix deal.
565
00:23:22,380 --> 00:23:25,487
I've secretly been to space.
Now's the time for party unity.
566
00:23:25,488 --> 00:23:28,289
Enough speeches. Chuck, do you
have anything to say to me?
567
00:23:28,290 --> 00:23:29,979
You were being a selfish prick!
568
00:23:29,980 --> 00:23:31,302
We're always selfish pricks.
569
00:23:31,303 --> 00:23:33,037
I don't understand why
it's suddenly a problem.
570
00:23:33,038 --> 00:23:35,342
Because it affected me!
571
00:23:35,343 --> 00:23:37,959
It's okay for you not to care
about anyone or anything,
572
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:41,979
but don't direct that narcissistic
apathy towards me.
573
00:23:41,980 --> 00:23:43,192
We're a team.
574
00:23:43,193 --> 00:23:45,272
And while there is no "I" in team,
575
00:23:45,273 --> 00:23:47,032
there is an "M" and "E,"
576
00:23:47,033 --> 00:23:50,129
as in "don't fuck with me ever again"!
577
00:23:50,130 --> 00:23:51,149
Nancy, I'm sorry.
578
00:23:51,150 --> 00:23:53,843
I should have never put your Speaker
of the House bathroom at risk.
579
00:23:53,844 --> 00:23:56,779
- I forgive you.
- I'm so glad we're making up.
580
00:23:56,780 --> 00:23:58,292
Life wasn't the same without you.
581
00:23:58,293 --> 00:24:00,021
I had no one to do jinxies with.
582
00:24:00,022 --> 00:24:03,579
Same. I got carpal tunnel
filming AOC's TikToks.
583
00:24:03,580 --> 00:24:05,259
But how do we move forward?
584
00:24:05,260 --> 00:24:07,759
I still don't want to be
in charge of anything.
585
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:09,422
Me neither. But we need to win,
586
00:24:09,423 --> 00:24:11,349
for the sake of our political alliance.
587
00:24:11,350 --> 00:24:14,719
Oh, don't be scared of winning.
Nothing will change regardless.
588
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:15,879
You're Democrats.
589
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,081
You're gonna water down
all your proposals anyway.
590
00:24:18,082 --> 00:24:19,807
- Yes, we can.
- Yes, we can.
591
00:24:19,808 --> 00:24:21,084
Can a brother get a jinxies?
592
00:24:21,085 --> 00:24:23,232
This is going to be the hardest
593
00:24:23,233 --> 00:24:25,088
we've ever fought for
the American people.
594
00:24:25,089 --> 00:24:28,842
Nurses, schmurses!
We're the real heroes!
595
00:24:30,763 --> 00:24:33,042
Yes, constituent. I hear your concerns.
596
00:24:33,043 --> 00:24:34,605
We're listening.
597
00:24:34,606 --> 00:24:36,732
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
598
00:24:38,700 --> 00:24:40,000
_
599
00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:42,000
_
600
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,680
_
601
00:24:44,690 --> 00:24:46,870
President Trump is a racist...
602
00:24:46,871 --> 00:24:49,299
authoritarian... The Hague!
603
00:24:52,300 --> 00:24:54,619
Will you or will you not be voting
604
00:24:54,620 --> 00:24:56,369
for President Trump's re-election?
605
00:24:56,370 --> 00:25:00,300
Yes, I am here to speak
to you all today.
606
00:25:00,310 --> 00:25:04,499
But, no, I did not come
here all on my own.
607
00:25:04,500 --> 00:25:09,482
Yes, I did, in fact, get help
from Justice Brett Kavanaugh.
608
00:25:09,483 --> 00:25:12,594
No, he is not here right now.
609
00:25:12,595 --> 00:25:16,179
Yes, he is currently unconscious.
610
00:25:16,180 --> 00:25:21,019
No, he refuses to get off
of my bathroom floor.
611
00:25:21,020 --> 00:25:22,572
Let's do this one more time.
612
00:25:22,573 --> 00:25:24,739
Will you or will you not be voting
613
00:25:24,740 --> 00:25:26,663
for President Trump's re-election?
614
00:25:26,664 --> 00:25:30,219
Yes... to be... or not to be.
615
00:25:30,220 --> 00:25:33,429
That is the question that Hamlet raised
616
00:25:33,430 --> 00:25:35,579
in the movie, uh, Hamlet...
617
00:25:35,580 --> 00:25:39,120
Come on! Some of us have
second jobs selling plasma!
618
00:25:39,121 --> 00:25:42,232
Okay, okay. I have made a decision.
619
00:25:42,233 --> 00:25:45,819
And, no, I will not be
sharing it with you
620
00:25:45,820 --> 00:25:48,759
until after the winner is announced.
621
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:51,779
I've decided.
622
00:25:51,780 --> 00:25:53,419
At least she didn't jump
out the window this time.
623
00:25:53,420 --> 00:25:56,764
To Squee!
624
00:25:57,780 --> 00:25:59,039
We're supposed to get the e-mail
625
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,139
with the Senate race poll
data any minute now.
626
00:26:01,140 --> 00:26:02,599
Look, Chuck! There it is!
627
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:04,020
How do we read what's inside?
628
00:26:04,023 --> 00:26:06,182
- Open the attachment.
- I don't know how!
629
00:26:06,183 --> 00:26:08,179
Usually Pete Buttigieg does that for me.
630
00:26:08,180 --> 00:26:09,502
- Then call him.
- God, no.
631
00:26:09,503 --> 00:26:11,499
I'm not talking to Politico's
Doogie Howser.
632
00:26:11,500 --> 00:26:12,619
Just double-click it!
633
00:26:12,620 --> 00:26:14,487
- I am clicking it.
- No, double click it.
634
00:26:14,488 --> 00:26:16,047
Do you hear that "click, click, click"?
635
00:26:16,048 --> 00:26:17,409
I'm clicking it, Nancy!
636
00:26:17,410 --> 00:26:18,540
_
637
00:26:18,550 --> 00:26:19,999
Well, we're in a dead-heat race
638
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,402
with the party responsible
for an economic recession,
639
00:26:22,403 --> 00:26:25,059
the rise of fascism,
and a pandemic outbreak.
640
00:26:25,060 --> 00:26:27,919
So, yes, we're winning. Jinxies!
641
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:28,979
I'm Anderson Cooper,
642
00:26:28,980 --> 00:26:31,545
and my eyes are what the
inside of a glacier looks like.
643
00:26:31,546 --> 00:26:34,059
In congressional news, Senator
Schumer and Speaker Pelosi
644
00:26:34,060 --> 00:26:35,979
have pledged to use a
Democrat-controlled Senate
645
00:26:35,980 --> 00:26:37,519
to do absolutely nothing.
646
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:39,499
And sources confirm that Senator Collins
647
00:26:39,500 --> 00:26:41,760
hasn't crashed through a Capitol
Building window in days.
648
00:26:41,770 --> 00:26:44,222
I'm sure this is exactly
how the Founding Fathers
649
00:26:44,223 --> 00:26:46,521
intended the two-party
system to function.
650
00:26:46,522 --> 00:26:50,024
Great job, Susie! You decided
to not not take a stand.
651
00:26:50,025 --> 00:26:52,232
And hopefully I won't have to.
652
00:26:52,233 --> 00:26:55,792
With any luck, the Supreme
Court will decide the election.
653
00:26:55,793 --> 00:27:00,559
Democracy lies in your trembling,
vomit-covered hands.
654
00:27:02,443 --> 00:27:04,002
Ah. That is the case!
655
00:27:05,708 --> 00:27:08,242
Hey, can I pick the next
Supreme Court justice?
656
00:27:08,243 --> 00:27:10,292
I got a Delta Kappa buddy
657
00:27:10,293 --> 00:27:13,959
in a real bad spot, child support-wise!
658
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:18,419
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
659
00:27:18,420 --> 00:27:22,062
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
660
00:27:22,063 --> 00:27:24,539
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
661
00:27:24,540 --> 00:27:25,959
♪ Yes, he is ♪
662
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:29,072
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
663
00:27:29,073 --> 00:27:31,749
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
664
00:27:31,750 --> 00:27:32,769
♪ Yes, he is ♪
665
00:27:32,770 --> 00:27:36,232
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
666
00:27:36,233 --> 00:27:41,260
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
667
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:45,039
♪ Donald Trump ♪
668
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:48,599
♪ He is our president ♪
669
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,969
♪ We made him president ♪
670
00:27:51,970 --> 00:27:54,200
♪ We did it ♪
671
00:27:54,210 --> 00:27:58,262
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
672
00:27:58,263 --> 00:28:01,554
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
673
00:28:01,555 --> 00:28:04,903
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
674
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:08,512
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
675
00:28:08,513 --> 00:28:12,072
♪ Yeah ♪
676
00:28:12,073 --> 00:28:14,485
Trump!
51340
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