Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,090 --> 00:00:08,990
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
2
00:00:08,991 --> 00:00:10,402
- _
- Oh, sure,
3
00:00:10,403 --> 00:00:12,272
QAnon has inspired some shootings,
4
00:00:12,273 --> 00:00:14,272
but at least they've
taken the brave stance
5
00:00:14,273 --> 00:00:16,272
of being anti-pedophilia!
6
00:00:16,273 --> 00:00:18,272
Anyway... can you believe it?
7
00:00:18,273 --> 00:00:20,442
I'm already back on the campaign trail
8
00:00:20,443 --> 00:00:22,942
despite my coronavirus diagnosis
9
00:00:22,943 --> 00:00:25,174
and all the mini-strokes before that!
10
00:00:25,183 --> 00:00:28,249
By the way, you guys are
standing way too far apart!
11
00:00:28,250 --> 00:00:30,422
I want you linked up elbow-to-elbow
12
00:00:30,423 --> 00:00:32,847
like a wheezing macaroni necklace!
13
00:00:35,184 --> 00:00:38,589
Hey, folks! Thanks for the
polite, restrained applause!
14
00:00:38,590 --> 00:00:41,620
Right now, there's a president
out there being totally reckless.
15
00:00:41,630 --> 00:00:43,899
And I'm not talking about
the good kind of reckless,
16
00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:45,610
like chugging tobacco dip
17
00:00:45,611 --> 00:00:48,780
and asking the quarterback's
girl to boogie to urban music.
18
00:00:48,781 --> 00:00:50,919
Don't worry. Doc says I'm immune.
19
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,939
And he got certified in Guam!
20
00:00:52,940 --> 00:00:55,640
I just wanna give
everyone a big fat kiss!
21
00:00:55,650 --> 00:00:57,439
I won't. You people are revolting.
22
00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,165
You're more Giuliani's type.
23
00:00:59,166 --> 00:01:01,099
If you're interested, line up outside
24
00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:02,350
the out-of-order men's room
25
00:01:02,353 --> 00:01:04,421
from most to least resemblance
to Swamp Thing.
26
00:01:04,422 --> 00:01:06,829
Everything's going
eerily well for me, huh?
27
00:01:06,830 --> 00:01:08,599
Is anyone else getting the "Aw, shit,
28
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,749
is this 2016 again?" night sweats?
29
00:01:10,750 --> 00:01:13,979
Relax! Hillary was a crusty
establishment centrist
30
00:01:13,980 --> 00:01:15,179
with no platform.
31
00:01:15,180 --> 00:01:17,270
I'm that but with cool sunglasses
32
00:01:17,271 --> 00:01:19,311
and every facial ligament removed!
33
00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:22,549
Don't let Biden fool ya.
Kamala's running the show.
34
00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:25,899
Oh, sure, she and Joe have identical
political and personal beliefs,
35
00:01:25,900 --> 00:01:28,039
but there's just something
about her I don't trust.
36
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:29,696
Not sure what it is.
37
00:01:29,697 --> 00:01:30,864
Oh, yeah... black.
38
00:01:30,865 --> 00:01:31,869
Good news, folks!
39
00:01:31,870 --> 00:01:33,959
My campaign manager
says I'm doing so well,
40
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,109
he's sending me to space
'til Election Day!
41
00:01:36,110 --> 00:01:38,580
Always wondered what a green
set of hooters looks like!
42
00:01:38,581 --> 00:01:41,092
Let's hear it for Lindsey Graham!
43
00:01:41,093 --> 00:01:44,319
Just when we thought he couldn't
debase himself anymore,
44
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:47,340
he breaks his word to steal
another Supreme Court seat!
45
00:01:47,350 --> 00:01:49,760
At least his re-election
campaign's going well.
46
00:01:49,770 --> 00:01:51,449
I need help, God damn it!
47
00:01:51,450 --> 00:01:53,620
My opponent just raised
a billion dollars!
48
00:01:53,630 --> 00:01:55,399
Refinance your house, sell a child,
49
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,719
take your credit cards
and text me the numbers!
50
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:00,559
Let it out, Lindsey.
51
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:02,679
My beautiful lifestyle!
52
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,079
It's gonna be okay.
53
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:05,899
Well, it's not, but, you know...
54
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:07,889
I'm not a fan of packing the court.
55
00:02:07,890 --> 00:02:10,840
Is that vague enough to keep
absolutely no one satisfied?
56
00:02:10,850 --> 00:02:12,919
Get used to it! I'm ringing that bell
57
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:14,899
'til CNN calls Florida!
58
00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:18,729
Who wants my sweaty bed sheets
from Walter Reed Hospital?!
59
00:02:21,124 --> 00:02:23,340
It's funny!
60
00:02:23,350 --> 00:02:25,469
Untold thousands are dead,
61
00:02:25,470 --> 00:02:27,219
and I've gotten everything
I ever wanted.
62
00:02:27,220 --> 00:02:30,519
Am I actually feeling
joy for the first time?
63
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:31,842
Nope. Still dead in there.
64
00:02:31,843 --> 00:02:33,439
Folks, enough's enough!
65
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,199
Trump's a dangerous man,
lining his pockets,
66
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,519
praising white supremacists,
throwing kids in cages!
67
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,709
We can't have that guy leading
our great nation anymore.
68
00:02:42,710 --> 00:02:46,219
There. I'm sure that basic,
logical argument will resonate
69
00:02:46,220 --> 00:02:48,773
with all those
decent-hearted Trump voters.
70
00:02:48,774 --> 00:02:52,100
Open those bronchial tubes
and show me you love me!
71
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,324
Whoo! Infect me, Daddy!
72
00:02:58,100 --> 00:02:59,559
Don't worry.
73
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,371
I'll keep an eye on him.
74
00:03:04,917 --> 00:03:07,079
I'm Lester Holt, and I
look great in a sweater,
75
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,840
so I'm hoping civil war won't
disrupt the new autumn fashions.
76
00:03:09,843 --> 00:03:11,979
As the coronavirus pandemic rages on,
77
00:03:11,980 --> 00:03:14,039
the recently infected President Trump
78
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:16,379
canceled a campaign
stop at a D.C. hospital.
79
00:03:16,380 --> 00:03:18,219
Later, at that very same hospital,
80
00:03:18,220 --> 00:03:19,769
a new hero of the pandemic emerged
81
00:03:19,770 --> 00:03:22,399
when a brave mop bucket single-handedly
82
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,592
stopped a dolly of
precious ventilator parts
83
00:03:24,593 --> 00:03:27,320
from tumbling down a stairwell
to total destruction.
84
00:03:27,330 --> 00:03:29,399
Many are commending the mop bucket
85
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,599
for its bold and selfless leadership.
86
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,729
Rudy! The TV's being mean to me again!
87
00:03:34,730 --> 00:03:37,323
- Fix it! Fix it!
- Hold on! Hold on!
88
00:03:37,324 --> 00:03:39,702
Hey, thanks again for letting
me crash in the Oval
89
00:03:39,703 --> 00:03:41,745
while they spray my
place for crotch crabs.
90
00:03:41,746 --> 00:03:44,212
They get mad at me if I don't
show up to the hospital,
91
00:03:44,213 --> 00:03:46,339
they get mad if I do
show up without a mask
92
00:03:46,340 --> 00:03:47,719
and give everyone COVID.
93
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,879
Would it kill them to say something
nice about me for a change?
94
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:52,989
And the President's
fearless leadership...
95
00:03:52,990 --> 00:03:55,589
- Ooh!
- ... won him an unprecedented fourth term
96
00:03:55,590 --> 00:03:58,629
- in 1944.
- Oh, good! I did it!
97
00:03:58,630 --> 00:04:02,039
Wait a minute. It's not 1944. It's 2005!
98
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,530
Coming up, how FDR cemented his legacy
99
00:04:04,533 --> 00:04:06,332
as the great wartime president.
100
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:07,899
You're watching the History Channel...
101
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:10,604
if it's not World War
II, it's not history.
102
00:04:10,605 --> 00:04:12,460
How come PBJ got four terms?
103
00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:14,059
He may have been a lefty snowflake
104
00:04:14,060 --> 00:04:15,342
obsessed with public parks,
105
00:04:15,343 --> 00:04:17,712
but FDR was kind of a slick rick.
106
00:04:17,713 --> 00:04:21,939
He used war to unlock a whole
new level of executive power.
107
00:04:21,940 --> 00:04:26,059
He got re-elected three times and
barely even had to campaign!
108
00:04:26,060 --> 00:04:29,150
Wow! You mean he never had
to show up at dumb hospitals
109
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,829
where none of the nurses are tens?
110
00:04:30,830 --> 00:04:31,959
I know! Genius!
111
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,173
No fugly first responders
killin' his buzz.
112
00:04:35,174 --> 00:04:37,531
Ehh, it sounds like a lot of extra work.
113
00:04:37,532 --> 00:04:39,959
Besides, I'll always be
beloved by my people.
114
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,702
Who else could provide
them the opportunity
115
00:04:41,703 --> 00:04:43,870
to wear a red hat and
have scream seizures
116
00:04:43,871 --> 00:04:46,170
in a converted rodeo arena once a month?
117
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:49,060
But moving on to our top story,
118
00:04:49,063 --> 00:04:51,272
the governor of New York has
announced a new initiative
119
00:04:51,273 --> 00:04:54,192
to finally start working on
that lousy jump shot of his!
120
00:04:54,193 --> 00:04:57,019
Euohh! You know I had
the meanest crossover
121
00:04:57,020 --> 00:04:59,399
at St. Anthony's Academy
for Political Legacies.
122
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,699
'Ey, big brother, maybe
you should "cross over"
123
00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:02,959
to a new brand of mouthwash.
124
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,239
I can smell your breath from here!
125
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,903
- Pee-yew!
- 'Ey, seriously, little brother,
126
00:05:06,904 --> 00:05:08,392
congrats on the mondo ratings.
127
00:05:08,393 --> 00:05:11,819
Just remember who the big respected
big guy is in our family, huh!
128
00:05:11,820 --> 00:05:13,503
That's why I'm Ma's favorite!
129
00:05:13,504 --> 00:05:15,462
Euohh! Just for that, I'm tellin' Ma
130
00:05:15,463 --> 00:05:17,299
you'll bring the soup
to Sunday dinner this week!
131
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:19,880
Euohh! I hate doin' all that stirrin'!
132
00:05:19,885 --> 00:05:22,599
That's all the time we have
tonight on Cuomo Prime Time.
133
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,979
- Thanks for joining us, Governor.
- Alright. I love you.
134
00:05:24,980 --> 00:05:27,101
I love you so much,
it hurts my frickin' brain!
135
00:05:27,740 --> 00:05:28,970
You did it, Chrissy...
136
00:05:28,978 --> 00:05:30,842
soaring ratings, adoring viewers,
137
00:05:30,843 --> 00:05:32,239
and your very own dressing room
138
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,699
with a special sign on the
door that says "CNN."
139
00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:37,819
All thanks to a funky little virus
that makes you hallucinate
140
00:05:37,820 --> 00:05:39,400
smokin'-hot mermaids on the ceiling.
141
00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:40,689
Euohh. Tapper's on!
142
00:05:40,690 --> 00:05:42,849
Gotta take time to support
those less beloved than me.
143
00:05:42,850 --> 00:05:46,019
He may have won his personal
bout with the virus,
144
00:05:46,020 --> 00:05:49,199
but President Chump,
famous for his eating habits,
145
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,070
is about to be served an
electoral knuckle sandwich
146
00:05:52,071 --> 00:05:55,359
by the pandemic... of American lives.
147
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,559
That's our show. Thank you to CNN
148
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:01,219
for awarding me the prestigious
Excellence in Stoicism
149
00:06:01,220 --> 00:06:03,012
and Newsmanship Medal
150
00:06:03,013 --> 00:06:04,762
for the fourth year in a row.
151
00:06:04,763 --> 00:06:06,431
I shall wear it with pride.
152
00:06:06,432 --> 00:06:09,435
Medal? Newsmanship? Shall?!
153
00:06:10,100 --> 00:06:11,859
All of the experts I've consulted
154
00:06:11,860 --> 00:06:14,563
from an old edition of
SkyMall magazine say...
155
00:06:14,564 --> 00:06:16,339
this miniature Fonzie bird-feeder
156
00:06:16,340 --> 00:06:19,419
has shown promising signs
of curing coronavirus.
157
00:06:19,420 --> 00:06:21,959
Either that, or it will bring
rockin' memories of the 1950s
158
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,991
- to your very own front lawn.
- Mr. President,
159
00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:26,743
can you address the rising
coronavirus death toll?
160
00:06:26,744 --> 00:06:28,909
Ugh! For the billionth time, no!
161
00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:31,068
What about the fact that
you contracted coronavirus
162
00:06:31,070 --> 00:06:33,160
after downplaying its
severity for months?
163
00:06:33,170 --> 00:06:35,209
Ugh! Next question, please.
164
00:06:35,210 --> 00:06:37,179
Any comment on the prominent mop bucket
165
00:06:37,180 --> 00:06:39,128
whose third-party write-in
campaign for president
166
00:06:39,129 --> 00:06:40,254
is rapidly gaining steam?
167
00:06:40,255 --> 00:06:43,219
Have you considered asking
the mop bucket for guidance?
168
00:06:43,220 --> 00:06:46,512
Ooh! I hate that stupid bucket!
169
00:06:46,513 --> 00:06:48,922
Because of, uh, Bucketgate.
170
00:06:48,923 --> 00:06:50,819
Very crooked stuff.
I won't say any more.
171
00:06:50,820 --> 00:06:53,270
The bucket is a pedophile.
Okay, we're done here!
172
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:55,739
Then President Chump
173
00:06:55,740 --> 00:06:59,519
steals the sheriff's badge
from Deputy Democracy,
174
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,370
which brings us to our
dark night of the soul.
175
00:07:01,371 --> 00:07:03,272
Knock, knock! Hah-hah! Just kiddin'!
176
00:07:03,273 --> 00:07:05,657
I made that sound with my
mouth. Pretty good, huh?
177
00:07:05,658 --> 00:07:08,039
I just want to congratulate
ya for your medal thingy.
178
00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,659
- Seems pretty neat.
- Ah, thank you, good sir!
179
00:07:10,660 --> 00:07:12,482
Nice of you to stop by in person.
180
00:07:12,483 --> 00:07:14,079
Anderson Cooper always just sends me
181
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:15,659
a Vanderbilt signet ring.
182
00:07:15,660 --> 00:07:17,082
Jeez. Joo-la-ree?
183
00:07:17,083 --> 00:07:18,796
What does he think you are... a chick?
184
00:07:18,797 --> 00:07:20,339
Ho, ho! Very good!
185
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:23,592
You know, you sometimes remind
me of a young Jake Tapper.
186
00:07:23,593 --> 00:07:26,139
Really? But I'm not nearly
as serious as you.
187
00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:28,439
Plus, your name is Jake,
and mine's Chris Cuomo.
188
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,089
You're full of potential!
189
00:07:30,090 --> 00:07:31,468
With the right training, you could be
190
00:07:31,470 --> 00:07:34,310
a real respected newsman like me.
191
00:07:34,311 --> 00:07:36,830
The kind of unflappable
luminary who isn't afraid
192
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,819
to put himself right at
the center of a story
193
00:07:38,820 --> 00:07:41,693
that would otherwise not
involve him in any way.
194
00:07:41,694 --> 00:07:42,842
Geez. Thanks, Mr. Tapper.
195
00:07:42,843 --> 00:07:44,712
But I'm already pretty
respected as it is.
196
00:07:44,713 --> 00:07:46,542
I mean, I got a sign
on my door that says
197
00:07:46,543 --> 00:07:48,320
"Christopher News
Network" and everything!
198
00:07:48,330 --> 00:07:50,799
Well, if you change your
mind, give me a call.
199
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,259
A true newsman never backs
away from a challenge
200
00:07:53,260 --> 00:07:55,779
of their own stratospheric
power and influence...
201
00:07:55,780 --> 00:07:58,739
much like President
Chump never backs down
202
00:07:58,740 --> 00:08:02,262
from a Twitter duel at
the Covfefe Saloon.
203
00:08:02,263 --> 00:08:04,299
Covfefe Saloon.
204
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:05,880
That's funny. Gotta get that in.
205
00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:08,339
Give it to me straight, Rudy.
206
00:08:08,340 --> 00:08:09,839
How'd I do at the press conference?
207
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,719
Did QAnon dox the bucket yet?
208
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,620
That mop bucket is untouchable,
209
00:08:13,630 --> 00:08:15,769
like the gogo dancer at Bazongas
210
00:08:15,770 --> 00:08:18,519
who says if I touch her calf
again, she'll punt my jaw!
211
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:20,139
68% of Americans say
212
00:08:20,140 --> 00:08:22,523
they would trust the mop bucket
in a leadership position.
213
00:08:22,524 --> 00:08:24,320
That's nothing to worry about. Unless...
214
00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:27,906
The presidency isn't a
"leadership position," is it?
215
00:08:28,780 --> 00:08:30,260
- It is.
- Ughhh!
216
00:08:30,270 --> 00:08:31,519
But there's still hope, Donald.
217
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,899
Think about it... what's
the one thing you can do
218
00:08:33,900 --> 00:08:35,149
that that mop bucket can't?
219
00:08:35,150 --> 00:08:36,829
- I dunno. Swim?
- No!
220
00:08:36,830 --> 00:08:38,139
Declare war.
221
00:08:38,140 --> 00:08:39,959
It's a foolproof re-election hack!
222
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,830
If I had the power to declare war,
223
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,199
I'd have finally been able to
use the Havana Club toilet
224
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,320
without the bus boy
calling in a SWAT team!
225
00:08:46,330 --> 00:08:47,640
Ehhhh... I dunno.
226
00:08:47,650 --> 00:08:49,802
Also, COVID affected you personally.
227
00:08:49,803 --> 00:08:51,764
Then something must be done!
228
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:55,479
So get this, Ma, I'm
talkin' to John Kerry,
229
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,685
- y'know, on my TV show...
- Uh-huh. Wow.
230
00:08:57,686 --> 00:09:00,981
And I says to him... I says, you
may have fought the Viet Cong,
231
00:09:00,982 --> 00:09:03,260
but I'm waging an unwinnable
war against your breath!
232
00:09:03,270 --> 00:09:05,879
- Oh, Chrissy! Oh, my gawd!
- He got a real kick outta that.
233
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:08,279
Hey, I'll take another pint
of the house red on the rocks
234
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:09,865
when ya get a chance!
235
00:09:09,866 --> 00:09:12,479
Whoops. Gotta go.
Andrew just sent me a video!
236
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,029
Classic big brother. Love ya, Ma!
237
00:09:15,030 --> 00:09:16,479
Ah, what respectful tribute
238
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,160
have my fans cooked up now?
239
00:09:18,170 --> 00:09:20,241
Time for Chris Cuomo's Greatest...
240
00:09:20,242 --> 00:09:21,439
... Hits.
241
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:22,840
'Ey, Mr. Kissinger,
242
00:09:22,850 --> 00:09:24,819
the American people
would really like to know,
243
00:09:24,820 --> 00:09:26,479
how much you squattin' these days?
244
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,739
I'd say 200 easy with buns like that!
245
00:09:28,740 --> 00:09:29,819
Hey, we'll get back
246
00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:31,819
to the opee-dopee crisis in a sec.
247
00:09:31,820 --> 00:09:33,779
I gotta ask ya about that hair pomade!
248
00:09:33,780 --> 00:09:35,839
Welcome to the show, Colin Powell.
249
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:38,459
So, your name sounds
like part of an ass, huh?
250
00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:39,644
_
251
00:09:39,645 --> 00:09:41,312
Good night. And remember...
252
00:09:41,313 --> 00:09:43,320
I'd be nothing without my devoted,
253
00:09:43,330 --> 00:09:45,899
loyal viewers worshipping at my feet.
254
00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:49,569
I think I wanna be a serious news guy.
255
00:09:52,380 --> 00:09:54,819
Guahh! Ahh!
256
00:09:54,820 --> 00:09:56,859
Well, if I'm up, I'm up.
Where's my Sudafed?
257
00:09:56,860 --> 00:09:58,914
Donald, my boy. It is I...
258
00:09:58,915 --> 00:10:00,899
Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
259
00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:03,299
But you may call me FDR.
260
00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:05,919
Nice to meet you, Mr. PBJ.
261
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:08,119
I heard you're having a spot of trouble
262
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:11,049
with this old coronavirus flipperdickle.
263
00:10:11,050 --> 00:10:12,919
- Uh-huh.
- You know, my friend,
264
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,973
there are a few similarities we share.
265
00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:18,009
I hate sharing! Give 'em
to me! They're mine!
266
00:10:18,010 --> 00:10:20,819
I remember the days leading
up to World War II.
267
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,999
Hitler steadily invading Europe,
268
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,460
shipping Jews to concentration
camps by the thousands.
269
00:10:26,470 --> 00:10:29,819
And then one day, something
bad happened... Pearl Harbor.
270
00:10:29,820 --> 00:10:32,760
It was then that I knew
we had to go to war.
271
00:10:32,770 --> 00:10:35,539
And thus I became a wartime president,
272
00:10:35,540 --> 00:10:39,239
handily winning an unprecedented
four straight elections.
273
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,489
Wow! You must be so cozy.
274
00:10:42,490 --> 00:10:44,160
That I am, dear boy.
275
00:10:44,170 --> 00:10:47,539
But such coziness must be
earned through the gumption
276
00:10:47,540 --> 00:10:50,089
and hard work to confront the enemy.
277
00:10:50,090 --> 00:10:52,209
You must... go to war.
278
00:10:52,210 --> 00:10:54,859
- I want it! I want it!
- Very good, my boy.
279
00:10:54,860 --> 00:10:57,679
Claim... your... destiny!
280
00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,160
I must become a blanket president.
281
00:11:00,170 --> 00:11:01,727
I mean wartime president.
282
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,199
Crowd in, everybody!
283
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,160
I haven't been feverish in hours!
284
00:11:08,170 --> 00:11:11,400
The United States is under
attack from a vicious enemy
285
00:11:11,410 --> 00:11:14,619
targeting our most vulnerable,
blanket-less presidents.
286
00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:17,039
I therefore today request from Congress
287
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:20,320
a formal declaration of
war against coronavirus.
288
00:11:20,330 --> 00:11:22,379
No matter where coronavirus hides,
289
00:11:22,380 --> 00:11:25,584
we will smoke it out of its
cave and shoot it dead!
290
00:11:26,660 --> 00:11:30,539
And remember that not voting
for war is political suicide.
291
00:11:34,593 --> 00:11:38,262
♪ War, war, we've got to go to war ♪
292
00:11:38,263 --> 00:11:41,889
♪ War is good, and we are good ♪
293
00:11:41,890 --> 00:11:46,139
♪ And that is why we must go to war ♪
294
00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:50,139
♪ The virus, the virus,
we must defeat the virus ♪
295
00:11:50,140 --> 00:11:51,879
♪ We'd much prefer religions ♪
296
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,879
♪ Or those countries on small islands ♪
297
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:58,449
♪ But for now, we'll wage
a war on the virus ♪
298
00:11:58,450 --> 00:12:01,779
Welcome, Christopher,
to the natural habitat
299
00:12:01,780 --> 00:12:04,199
of a serious newsman... my studio.
300
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:07,499
Whoa! This TV studio looks
just like it does on TV.
301
00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:09,540
Man, I gotta call my
brother. And get this...
302
00:12:09,550 --> 00:12:11,629
he's the frickin' governor of New York!
303
00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:14,059
Unh-unh-unh! Not so fast, Christopher.
304
00:12:14,060 --> 00:12:15,659
Your brother's a public figure,
305
00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:19,011
and you mustn't mix the news
with your personal life.
306
00:12:19,012 --> 00:12:22,181
These are the cardinal rules
of serious newsmanship.
307
00:12:22,182 --> 00:12:24,719
One, the guest is your
enemy, not your friend.
308
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:28,143
And, two, the audience doesn't
tune in to see your guest;
309
00:12:28,144 --> 00:12:29,739
they tune in to see you.
310
00:12:29,740 --> 00:12:32,110
But, Mr. Tapper, what if
the guest is my brother?
311
00:12:32,111 --> 00:12:33,272
My brother's my friend!
312
00:12:33,273 --> 00:12:35,142
Blood may be thicker than water,
313
00:12:35,143 --> 00:12:37,779
but the news is the
thickest thing of all.
314
00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:40,119
And that thick, thick news
315
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,743
is what runs in our veins, my boy.
316
00:12:42,744 --> 00:12:45,290
Wow! So that's what came
spurtin' outta my head
317
00:12:45,291 --> 00:12:47,624
after I tried to race a
swordfish on my Jet Ski?
318
00:12:47,625 --> 00:12:49,739
Now, pretend we're on your show
319
00:12:49,740 --> 00:12:51,719
and deliver me any news story
320
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,439
without mentioning any family members.
321
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,629
- Go on. Try it.
- Okay.
322
00:12:56,630 --> 00:12:59,139
Uh, leading epi-dee-mee-ologists say
323
00:12:59,140 --> 00:13:00,762
that there could be a second wave...
324
00:13:00,763 --> 00:13:03,399
Ahem. A second wave of... of...
325
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:04,939
One time I went to a Mets
game with my brothers
326
00:13:04,940 --> 00:13:06,599
Andrew and Mario Junior,
and we did the wave,
327
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,228
and we almost made it onto Fox Sports!
328
00:13:08,229 --> 00:13:09,379
Did I do it?
329
00:13:09,380 --> 00:13:13,269
The answer is... a resounding no.
330
00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:14,859
And finally,
331
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:17,460
the Trump International
National Air Force Base
332
00:13:17,470 --> 00:13:19,319
/Resort/Casino
333
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,599
will feature the world's
first swim-up omelet bar.
334
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,119
All in service to my perfect war.
335
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,031
Yeah, Mr. President,
normally when it comes
336
00:13:27,032 --> 00:13:28,199
to military spending,
337
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,232
I'd say the drone-filled
sky's the limit,
338
00:13:30,233 --> 00:13:31,930
but your war is extremely unpopular
339
00:13:31,940 --> 00:13:33,499
with the American people right now.
340
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:36,460
But I like the war!
I'm having a great time!
341
00:13:36,470 --> 00:13:37,779
With all due respect, sir,
342
00:13:37,780 --> 00:13:39,980
I'm not sure how this will
be perceived as helpful
343
00:13:39,990 --> 00:13:41,620
to our Armed Forces' overall mission.
344
00:13:41,630 --> 00:13:44,039
Fine! We can convert
one of the infinity pools
345
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,599
into an interrogation pit.
346
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,999
But I'm not getting rid
of the waterslides!
347
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,919
Of course, sir, but unfortunately
the selfish American people
348
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:52,439
refuse to see your side of things.
349
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,160
They're this close to rioting,
350
00:13:54,170 --> 00:13:57,260
and our riot-gear budget alone
is already like seven NASAs.
351
00:13:57,261 --> 00:13:59,389
Sorry, Mr. President,
but we can't do much
352
00:13:59,390 --> 00:14:01,489
'til more Americans support the war.
353
00:14:01,490 --> 00:14:04,618
Ohhh! Guhhh! Ehhrrrr!
354
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:06,989
It's no use, Mr. Tapper!
355
00:14:06,990 --> 00:14:09,300
I'm just a dumb meathead
with a head fulla meat.
356
00:14:09,310 --> 00:14:11,760
I'll never be nothin' like
the big shots Cronkite
357
00:14:11,770 --> 00:14:12,879
and Jennings and you.
358
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,620
Well, I... Wow. Cronkite
and Jennings? Really?
359
00:14:15,630 --> 00:14:18,060
Well, uh, say, Christopher,
haven't you ever heard
360
00:14:18,070 --> 00:14:22,459
of the legendary Italian-American
newsman Vince, uhhh, News?
361
00:14:22,460 --> 00:14:25,320
- Who?
- Why, Vince News, of course!
362
00:14:25,330 --> 00:14:28,359
He ruled the airwaves in
the golden age of news.
363
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,620
He never backed down from asking
the hard-hitting questions
364
00:14:31,630 --> 00:14:34,999
and once even fiercely
interrogated his own brother,
365
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,979
the governor of New... Zealand.
366
00:14:37,980 --> 00:14:40,779
Which is why he was
awarded the first-ever
367
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:43,939
CNN Stoicism and Newsmanship Medal.
368
00:14:43,940 --> 00:14:45,799
Whoa. Mr. Tapper, do you think
369
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,859
I could be the next Vince News?
370
00:14:47,860 --> 00:14:50,099
Does democracy die in darkness?
371
00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:51,899
Please just answer the
question, Mr. Tapper.
372
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:54,459
My God! He's got it!
373
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:56,789
Listen, Mr. President.
374
00:14:56,790 --> 00:14:59,119
I wasn't just born America's Mayor.
375
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:01,039
I had to earn the people's trust
376
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,739
after September whatever it was.
377
00:15:02,740 --> 00:15:04,879
In times of national tragedy,
378
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:07,060
you don't get to skip
right to the fun stuff.
379
00:15:07,070 --> 00:15:10,379
First you gotta act real serious and sad
380
00:15:10,380 --> 00:15:12,977
to show people you really care.
381
00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:16,099
But I hate doing things
people tell me to do!
382
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:19,219
But then, after you drop
the act a few weeks later,
383
00:15:19,220 --> 00:15:22,479
people will praise you for your
poise and leadership forever,
384
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:25,279
even if you went straight
Uptown from Ground Zero
385
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:26,859
to pork a Romanian escort
386
00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:29,285
behind the Times Square Forever 21.
387
00:15:29,286 --> 00:15:30,869
Praise you forever?
388
00:15:30,870 --> 00:15:31,999
You bet your flat ass!
389
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,479
It's all about showing these
suckers that you care.
390
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,122
You know what, Rudy?
391
00:15:36,123 --> 00:15:39,170
I think I might just be
onto something here.
392
00:15:39,171 --> 00:15:42,004
And so, my fellow Americans,
393
00:15:42,005 --> 00:15:43,919
we must all remember that the enemy
394
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:47,479
is not our hot, buff president
or his cool war,
395
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,760
but this horrible, stupid virus.
396
00:15:49,770 --> 00:15:52,199
We must not let this war divide us.
397
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:53,319
You're either with us
398
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,184
or you're with the virus. Good night.
399
00:15:55,185 --> 00:15:57,749
Way to go, Donald! For the
first time in eight months,
400
00:15:57,750 --> 00:16:00,019
your name is trending
completely independently
401
00:16:00,020 --> 00:16:01,839
from the phrase "prolapsed anus mouth"!
402
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,250
Yes! Take that, pervert mop bucket!
403
00:16:04,251 --> 00:16:06,697
Oh, and, by the way, you've earned this.
404
00:16:06,698 --> 00:16:08,449
Don't mind the oyster-cracker crumbs.
405
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,620
I did it! I'm a blanket president.
406
00:16:17,950 --> 00:16:20,139
Good evening, one and all,
and welcome to the premiere
407
00:16:20,140 --> 00:16:21,882
of the Christopher Cuomo Prime Time
408
00:16:21,883 --> 00:16:22,899
Serious Show As It Were.
409
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:24,548
Damn it, Tapper, you're good.
410
00:16:24,549 --> 00:16:26,187
Our guest tonight is an elected official
411
00:16:26,188 --> 00:16:28,158
from New York, as it were.
Good evening, Governor.
412
00:16:28,159 --> 00:16:30,039
'Ey, little brother. Why so serious?
413
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:31,180
Heh. The Joker, 'ey?
414
00:16:31,181 --> 00:16:33,742
Ahem! Governor Cuomo,
despite early praise,
415
00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,219
some have called your response
to the coronavirus pandemic,
416
00:16:36,220 --> 00:16:38,644
as it were, sorely lacking.
Care to respond?
417
00:16:38,645 --> 00:16:40,279
Come on, Chrissy. What's the big idea?
418
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:42,179
I'll take that as a no, as it were.
419
00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:43,719
Governor Cuomo, experts say
420
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,819
social distancing could
have saved thousands
421
00:16:45,820 --> 00:16:47,780
if implemented even one week earlier.
422
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:49,339
Why did you resist early calls
423
00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:51,229
for a statewide shelter-in-place order?
424
00:16:51,230 --> 00:16:53,039
- As it were?
- I... I, uh...
425
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:55,170
At the risk of editorializing,
Mr. Cuomo,
426
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,999
you are an objectively evil murderer
427
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,539
unfit for public office,
428
00:16:58,540 --> 00:17:00,419
and I am ashamed to
share your last name.
429
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,008
That's all the time
we have this evening.
430
00:17:02,009 --> 00:17:03,921
Good night, America. As it were.
431
00:17:03,922 --> 00:17:05,939
- Tapper!
- Can we go back to talkin'
432
00:17:05,940 --> 00:17:07,384
about basketball?
433
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:09,801
Good night, America.
434
00:17:09,803 --> 00:17:12,482
Stay strong, support our
troops, and tune in tomorrow
435
00:17:12,483 --> 00:17:14,560
to hear about my
patriotic new initiative
436
00:17:14,570 --> 00:17:16,160
replacing the CDC chief
437
00:17:16,170 --> 00:17:18,752
with the red-headed alcoholic
who killed Bin Laden.
438
00:17:18,753 --> 00:17:20,722
I could use a vacation.
439
00:17:20,723 --> 00:17:23,459
Swim-up omelet bar, here I come!
440
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:26,439
Not so fast, Donald. Just because
you get to stop campaigning
441
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:28,119
doesn't mean you get to stop working!
442
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,863
You gotta stay put if you
want those re-elections.
443
00:17:30,864 --> 00:17:32,839
But I wanna be first on the waterslide!
444
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,772
I'll be damned if I have to wait in line
445
00:17:34,773 --> 00:17:36,871
behind a bunch of Gold Star widows!
446
00:17:36,872 --> 00:17:39,699
Being a wartime president
is a full-time job!
447
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:41,479
It's not a normal nine-to-five,
448
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,819
like slumlording or
dressing-room supervision.
449
00:17:43,820 --> 00:17:46,599
If someone snaps a photo of
you eating a dropped omelet
450
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,819
out of a pool filter,
there goes your new image.
451
00:17:48,820 --> 00:17:50,599
You'll need to stick by that fireplace
452
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,480
until Election Day 2020...
453
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:54,240
and Election Day 2024...
454
00:17:54,250 --> 00:17:55,699
and Election Day 2028...
455
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:58,429
- and Election Day 2032...
- War is hell.
456
00:17:58,430 --> 00:17:59,659
Christopher!
457
00:17:59,660 --> 00:18:01,630
Ma, Ma! Quit yellin' at me!
458
00:18:01,633 --> 00:18:03,522
I'm disinvited to Sunday dinner?
459
00:18:03,523 --> 00:18:04,980
But it's Sunday dinner!
460
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,118
What do you mean, after what
I did to my poor brother?
461
00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:09,160
Ma, listen. The news
is thicker than blood!
462
00:18:09,170 --> 00:18:11,542
No, that's not stupid.
Maybe you're stupid!
463
00:18:11,543 --> 00:18:13,542
Wait. Ma! Ma? I'm sorry!
464
00:18:13,543 --> 00:18:15,576
_
465
00:18:15,577 --> 00:18:18,232
Ah, yes. Indubitably, as it were.
466
00:18:22,420 --> 00:18:24,940
The brand-new Trump
National International
467
00:18:24,950 --> 00:18:28,599
Air Force Base/Resort/Casino
was paid a visit
468
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,503
by a prominent mop bucket
who was among the first
469
00:18:31,504 --> 00:18:34,929
to go down the base's
brand-new waterslide.
470
00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:41,665
- Knock. Knock.
- Nice try.
471
00:18:41,666 --> 00:18:43,395
I know you did that with your mouth.
472
00:18:43,396 --> 00:18:44,731
Well spotted, my boy.
473
00:18:44,740 --> 00:18:46,499
I just wanted to say how impressed I am
474
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,638
with your, dare I say,
Tapper-esque lack of levity.
475
00:18:49,639 --> 00:18:52,613
I have a little something
for you from the network.
476
00:18:52,614 --> 00:18:54,959
Unless it's a plate of
my ma's Sunday ravioli,
477
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:56,159
I'm not interested.
478
00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:59,279
This, my boy, is worth
one thousand raviolos.
479
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:02,700
It's my great honor to
award a fellow recipient
480
00:19:02,701 --> 00:19:06,559
the CNN Excellence in Stoicism
and Newsmanship Medal!
481
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,540
Oh, great. Joo-la-ree.
482
00:19:08,550 --> 00:19:10,879
- What am I... a chick?
- What's gotten into you?
483
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,842
You're riffing and bopping like
a common stand-up comedian.
484
00:19:13,843 --> 00:19:15,928
You ruined my life, you dumb stunad!
485
00:19:15,929 --> 00:19:18,942
Whoa! No need for such
colorfully ethnic language,
486
00:19:18,943 --> 00:19:22,433
normally a thing of beauty,
now employed at my expense.
487
00:19:22,434 --> 00:19:24,679
Screw you, Jake Tapper!
I bet that wasn't even
488
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:26,313
what Vince News really looked like!
489
00:19:26,314 --> 00:19:27,648
Vince News wasn't real...
490
00:19:27,649 --> 00:19:29,652
... but merely a figment conjured
491
00:19:29,653 --> 00:19:32,679
from my unstoppable
imagination to help you!
492
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,779
I now realize that was a mistake.
493
00:19:34,780 --> 00:19:37,157
Good night and good luck, Christopher.
494
00:19:37,158 --> 00:19:40,995
My hero, Vince News, not... real?
495
00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:43,450
I hope you're happy!
496
00:19:43,456 --> 00:19:46,059
I'm hot, bored, and everything
smells like barbecue,
497
00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:47,439
but there's no barbecue!
498
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,040
Anywhere! I checked!
499
00:19:49,045 --> 00:19:50,702
You just gotta hang in there, Donald!
500
00:19:50,703 --> 00:19:53,302
This isn't mapping out your
cousin's erogenous zones;
501
00:19:53,303 --> 00:19:55,299
it doesn't happen
overnight in a hot tub.
502
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,309
You did this to me, Giuliani!
503
00:19:57,310 --> 00:19:59,399
Because of your genius advice,
504
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,799
I'm stuck being a boring
wartime president forever!
505
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,550
But I guess that's
something a measly little
506
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,310
forever-mayor could never understand!
507
00:20:07,313 --> 00:20:09,565
Hey, now! There's lotsa
stuff I don't understand...
508
00:20:09,566 --> 00:20:11,399
how birds boink, how to
make any of the toilets
509
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,659
in my house work again...
but it'll work out,
510
00:20:13,660 --> 00:20:15,430
the same way everything
worked out for me.
511
00:20:15,431 --> 00:20:18,839
Ooh-ee! I can feel the
bedbugs on my left flank.
512
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,610
It feels like they're
appointing a queen!
513
00:20:20,618 --> 00:20:22,932
I don't wanna hear it!
Y'know, sometimes I wonder
514
00:20:22,933 --> 00:20:24,909
if you're even on my side at all. Aah!
515
00:20:24,910 --> 00:20:26,082
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
516
00:20:26,083 --> 00:20:27,876
Good thing I got this pint of house red.
517
00:20:28,890 --> 00:20:31,378
O, blanket, my blanket!
518
00:20:33,743 --> 00:20:35,466
Bad news from the front, sir.
519
00:20:35,467 --> 00:20:38,782
Our skirmishes overseas have
ballooned into full-on wars,
520
00:20:38,783 --> 00:20:40,479
and the freshly drafted civilians
521
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:42,199
are getting their
behinds handed to them.
522
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,560
- Uh-huh.
- Also, that redheaded alcoholic
523
00:20:44,561 --> 00:20:46,622
you put in charge of the CDC resigned
524
00:20:46,623 --> 00:20:48,792
after claiming he took
the coronavirus out
525
00:20:48,793 --> 00:20:50,394
with a headshot in 2011.
526
00:20:50,395 --> 00:20:51,959
- 'Kay.
- I'm sorry to say it,
527
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,740
but the U.S. might be on track
to lose its first-ever war.
528
00:20:54,750 --> 00:20:56,320
Several decades from now, of course.
529
00:20:56,321 --> 00:21:00,241
I already lost my blanket.
Nothing can hurt me now.
530
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,095
And now for a very
special spin-off edition
531
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:05,439
of "President Chump,"
532
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,829
I give you "Chris Bozo."
533
00:21:07,830 --> 00:21:10,139
Chris Bozo was an unhappy monkey
534
00:21:10,140 --> 00:21:12,839
who asked his great
friend Jake Zookeeper
535
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,579
to teach him how to stop eating bugs
536
00:21:14,580 --> 00:21:16,879
and flinging excrement
at his zoo viewers.
537
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,539
But then the ungrateful Chris Bozo
538
00:21:19,540 --> 00:21:21,959
insulted Jake Zookeeper's cartoons,
539
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,768
which, if they're good
enough for The Dartmouth,
540
00:21:23,770 --> 00:21:25,739
are certainly good
enough for Chris Bozo.
541
00:21:25,740 --> 00:21:29,019
And so Bozo went right
back to monkeying around,
542
00:21:29,020 --> 00:21:30,359
with his monkey tail
543
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,119
between his monkey legs.
544
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,858
Monkey see, monkey... don't?
545
00:21:34,859 --> 00:21:37,570
That Chris Bozo guy
kinda reminds me of me.
546
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:39,979
Unnhhh.
547
00:21:39,980 --> 00:21:43,950
Blanket! Want my... blanket!
548
00:21:43,951 --> 00:21:46,489
- Patience, my boy!
- Blanket?
549
00:21:46,490 --> 00:21:48,779
Donald, you mustn't give up now!
550
00:21:48,780 --> 00:21:51,899
You're almost halfway through
the beginning of the first act
551
00:21:51,900 --> 00:21:55,760
of phase one of your wartime
presidency's early days!
552
00:21:55,770 --> 00:21:58,379
But my war is losing, Mr. PBJ.
553
00:21:58,380 --> 00:22:00,419
And I already lost my blanket.
554
00:22:00,420 --> 00:22:03,160
A wartime presidency isn't like mapping
555
00:22:03,170 --> 00:22:05,039
your cousin's erogenous zones;
556
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:08,119
it doesn't happen overnight
in a clawfoot bathtub.
557
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,990
You must keep fighting
the enemy just as I did,
558
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,269
until it claims your very life.
559
00:22:13,270 --> 00:22:15,159
Haven't I done enough to fight the enemy
560
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:18,100
by ignoring it until it knocked
out me and half my staff?
561
00:22:18,110 --> 00:22:19,699
And I couldn't have done it all
562
00:22:19,700 --> 00:22:23,799
without the help of my beautiful
cousin-wife, Eleanor Roosevelt!
563
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,299
She's frumpy! She's frumpy!
564
00:22:26,300 --> 00:22:28,495
I don't wanna be like PBJ!
565
00:22:28,496 --> 00:22:30,247
Hunh. Enough!
566
00:22:30,248 --> 00:22:31,992
A real wartime president
567
00:22:31,993 --> 00:22:34,501
doesn't let a war be the boss of him.
568
00:22:34,502 --> 00:22:35,919
_
569
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,039
Hi. E-Excuse me? Mr. Cuomo?
570
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,354
I was in the building for an
adult scavenger hunt and...
571
00:22:40,355 --> 00:22:42,019
Geez, Mr. Cuomo, why the large face?
572
00:22:42,020 --> 00:22:44,419
Fuhgeddaboudit. In fact,
fuhgeddaboud everything.
573
00:22:44,420 --> 00:22:46,699
Well, I just wanted to,
uh, congratulate you
574
00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:48,599
on the new show. Righteous business!
575
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:49,940
But I always did admire
576
00:22:49,950 --> 00:22:52,379
the way you were so
"you" on your old show.
577
00:22:52,380 --> 00:22:53,982
Guess I liked 'em both, huh?
578
00:22:53,983 --> 00:22:55,399
I tried to get everyone's respect,
579
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:56,757
but I'm just a gullible goof
580
00:22:56,758 --> 00:22:59,610
who fell for Mr. Tapper's
fake Vince News cartoon.
581
00:22:59,611 --> 00:23:01,492
Whoa. Mr. Tapper drew a cartoon for you?
582
00:23:01,493 --> 00:23:02,560
Righteous business.
583
00:23:02,570 --> 00:23:05,039
For him to devote his
priceless imagination to you
584
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,340
in cartoon form,
he must really respect you.
585
00:23:07,350 --> 00:23:09,479
No one respects me.
I shoulda never tried
586
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:10,899
to become a serious newsman.
587
00:23:10,900 --> 00:23:12,620
Now I'm as caught in
the middle as the Hulk
588
00:23:12,630 --> 00:23:14,702
before he gets buff but
after he gets green.
589
00:23:14,703 --> 00:23:17,540
Aw, come on, Mr. Cuomo.
Newsmanship is a spectrum.
590
00:23:17,550 --> 00:23:19,272
There's just as much room for serious,
591
00:23:19,273 --> 00:23:21,819
highly revered newsmen
like Jake Tapper and myself
592
00:23:21,820 --> 00:23:23,642
as there is for down-to-earth goofballs
593
00:23:23,643 --> 00:23:25,133
like you and Lester Holt.
594
00:23:25,134 --> 00:23:26,379
- Really?!
- Of course.
595
00:23:26,380 --> 00:23:27,763
Well, see ya around.
596
00:23:27,764 --> 00:23:29,889
Hey, kid! Catch.
597
00:23:29,890 --> 00:23:32,369
- Wow! Thanks, Mr. Cuomo!
- No.
598
00:23:32,370 --> 00:23:33,379
- Thank you.
- Wow.
599
00:23:33,380 --> 00:23:34,660
Geez. This thing's pretty heavy.
600
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:39,359
What the hell are you doing, Donald?!
601
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:42,359
Something I should've
done a long time ago.
602
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,499
You had it all wrong. PBJ
and I are nothing alike.
603
00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:48,399
I don't need to play by
his rules or his war.
604
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:51,621
I can be a wartime president
in my own way. Idiot!
605
00:23:51,622 --> 00:23:53,940
Today I've bravely decided
606
00:23:53,950 --> 00:23:56,779
to declare victory against coronavirus.
607
00:23:56,780 --> 00:23:59,239
It's time to bring our
troops home to America,
608
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,579
where they belong,
waiting 12 years for the VA
609
00:24:01,580 --> 00:24:03,119
to approve their trauma counseling.
610
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:05,679
Finally, in remembrance
of the heroism of me
611
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:07,620
and sacrifice we all endured,
612
00:24:07,630 --> 00:24:09,899
I hereby designate my blanket,
613
00:24:09,900 --> 00:24:12,263
horrifically maimed
in the flames of war,
614
00:24:12,264 --> 00:24:13,979
to be displayed in the Smithsonian
615
00:24:13,980 --> 00:24:17,419
in a place of supreme honor
next to Archie Bunker's chair.
616
00:24:17,420 --> 00:24:19,819
I'll either do that or
drop nuclear bombs
617
00:24:19,820 --> 00:24:22,229
on all the coronavirus
hot zones in America.
618
00:24:22,230 --> 00:24:23,768
- Blanket one!
- Yeah! Do the blanket thing!
619
00:24:23,770 --> 00:24:25,362
I'm thinkin' blanket!
620
00:24:26,573 --> 00:24:30,019
I'm Jake Tapper, and
every man is an island.
621
00:24:30,020 --> 00:24:33,479
We may drift close to one another,
but never truly touch.
622
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,783
- Today's top story...
- 'Scuse me, 'scuse me!
623
00:24:35,784 --> 00:24:38,320
Well if it isn't the rude Mr. Cuomo,
624
00:24:38,330 --> 00:24:40,539
trespassing on my very show.
625
00:24:40,540 --> 00:24:42,599
Excuse me, Mr. Tapper, but my top story
626
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:44,297
is I have somethin' to show you.
627
00:24:44,298 --> 00:24:46,592
One day, the stupid monkey Chris Bozo
628
00:24:46,593 --> 00:24:48,139
lost sight of what's important
629
00:24:48,140 --> 00:24:51,519
and lost his Sunday dinner
and his family along the way.
630
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,019
He even lost his friend Mr. Tapper,
631
00:24:54,020 --> 00:24:56,679
who was only trying to help him out.
632
00:24:56,680 --> 00:25:00,605
Monkey see, monkey...
I'm sorry, Mr. Tapper.
633
00:25:00,606 --> 00:25:03,281
- That drawing was really bad.
- Ya mean it?
634
00:25:03,282 --> 00:25:05,200
Apology accepted, Christopher.
635
00:25:05,210 --> 00:25:08,200
If I may, I'd like to shake your hand.
636
00:25:08,210 --> 00:25:11,020
Euohh! Hands off the merchandise!
637
00:25:11,810 --> 00:25:15,479
And now without further ado,
unless anyone wants to hear
638
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,400
my Chechen massage-parlor story again...
639
00:25:17,410 --> 00:25:19,559
the man whose bravery and leadership
640
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:21,869
inspired this very Trump Monument,
641
00:25:21,870 --> 00:25:23,519
President Donald Trump!
642
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:25,794
When I first declared this war,
643
00:25:25,795 --> 00:25:27,779
I thought I needed a big foreign enemy
644
00:25:27,780 --> 00:25:29,739
in order to be a wartime president.
645
00:25:29,740 --> 00:25:32,840
But the real war was
inside me all along.
646
00:25:32,850 --> 00:25:36,359
You see, a Trump war isn't
fought with sweeping invasions,
647
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,359
but with individual drone strikes
648
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,312
of hatred and personal cruelty.
649
00:25:40,313 --> 00:25:42,239
I'll always be a wartime president
650
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:44,199
because I will always
have an enemy in those
651
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,899
who try to drag me down,
whether it's my cabinet,
652
00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:48,939
my advisors, my immune system,
653
00:25:48,940 --> 00:25:50,109
that mop bucket,
654
00:25:50,110 --> 00:25:53,420
or even stupid President PBJ
and his butt-ugly wife.
655
00:25:53,450 --> 00:25:56,199
And so I vow that a war like this one
656
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,799
will never happen again...
unless I feel like it.
657
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:00,999
I still kind of want to
drop an atomic bomb.
658
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:02,869
Anyway!
659
00:26:04,870 --> 00:26:06,579
Euohh! Watch it, will ya!
660
00:26:06,580 --> 00:26:08,463
You're gettin' sauce on my Hugo Boss!
661
00:26:08,464 --> 00:26:09,999
Lighten up, little brother!
662
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,636
Indeed, Christopher! Lighten! Lighten!
663
00:26:12,637 --> 00:26:14,712
Welcome back, folks,
to the Christopher Cuomo
664
00:26:14,713 --> 00:26:16,319
Prime Time Serious Show As It Were
665
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:17,929
Ayy Just Kiddin' Get Over Here, Kid."
666
00:26:17,930 --> 00:26:20,059
Tonight we're talkin' Trump's
whole coronavirus deal.
667
00:26:20,060 --> 00:26:21,659
You believe this guy? Va fongool!
668
00:26:21,660 --> 00:26:24,232
- 'Ey! Va fongool!
- Disappointing to say the least!
669
00:26:24,233 --> 00:26:26,060
This sauce is fantastic!
670
00:26:26,070 --> 00:26:28,479
"This sauce is fantastic!"
671
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:30,432
Oh-ho! You got him, big brother!
672
00:26:30,433 --> 00:26:31,439
I love you guys.
673
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:33,616
- Love you, too.
- And I love you, as well.
674
00:26:33,617 --> 00:26:38,019
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
675
00:26:38,020 --> 00:26:41,837
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
676
00:26:41,838 --> 00:26:44,335
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
677
00:26:44,336 --> 00:26:45,617
♪ Yes, he is ♪
678
00:26:45,618 --> 00:26:48,755
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
679
00:26:48,756 --> 00:26:51,429
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
680
00:26:51,430 --> 00:26:52,599
♪ Yes, he is ♪
681
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:55,917
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪
682
00:26:55,918 --> 00:27:01,410
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
683
00:27:02,950 --> 00:27:04,632
♪ Donald Trump ♪
684
00:27:04,633 --> 00:27:08,202
♪ He is our president ♪
685
00:27:08,203 --> 00:27:11,194
♪ We made him president ♪
686
00:27:11,195 --> 00:27:13,779
♪ We did it ♪
687
00:27:13,780 --> 00:27:17,762
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
688
00:27:17,763 --> 00:27:20,799
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
689
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:24,375
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
690
00:27:24,390 --> 00:27:28,033
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
691
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:31,610
♪ Yeah ♪
692
00:27:31,611 --> 00:27:33,620
Trump!
53997
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof