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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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00:00:09,999 --> 00:00:12,900
From the University
of Utah in Salt Lake City.
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00:00:12,902 --> 00:00:14,784
I'm Susan Page of USA Today.
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00:00:14,786 --> 00:00:16,494
Welcome to the Vice Presidential debate
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which, in a matter of hours,
went from "Who gives a shit?"
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00:00:19,496 --> 00:00:21,430
to "Holy shit, one of these people
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00:00:21,432 --> 00:00:22,833
will be President next week".
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- Good evening, Senator Harris.
- Thank you, Susan.
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As if spending 90 minutes
with Mike Pence
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wasn't already a pleasure,
now it might kill me.
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00:00:29,741 --> 00:00:31,759
And welcome to Vice President Pence,
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00:00:31,761 --> 00:00:34,443
who has assured us he is COVID-negative.
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Is negative the one
where the thermometer
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00:00:36,179 --> 00:00:37,779
makes the sound of a steam whistle?
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Mr. Vice President, keeping in mind
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00:00:39,082 --> 00:00:41,550
the President is currently
hopped up on more pills
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00:00:41,552 --> 00:00:43,151
than a 1960s housewife,
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do you trust his leadership
in this health crisis?
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00:00:45,655 --> 00:00:49,123
Of course, as with all our
nation's greatest leaders,
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00:00:49,125 --> 00:00:51,426
his hands are rattling
like paint mixers.
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That's right! Everything's going great!
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00:00:53,629 --> 00:00:55,430
Ask anyone except Chris Christie,
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00:00:55,432 --> 00:00:57,899
Kellyanne Conway, Hope
Hicks, Kayleigh McEnany,
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00:00:57,901 --> 00:00:59,500
three or four Republican senators
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00:00:59,502 --> 00:01:01,135
Stephen Miller,
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00:01:01,137 --> 00:01:03,838
my campaign manager,
Rudy Giuliani probably,
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00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:05,406
and there was one more, uh...
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I hate you!
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00:01:07,110 --> 00:01:08,609
My wife... right, right, right, right.
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Senator Harris, how would you describe
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00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:12,280
President Trump's response
to the pandemic?
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00:01:12,282 --> 00:01:16,183
I don't want to insult
a sick man, but I will.
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Trump is the dumbest motherfucker
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00:01:18,099 --> 00:01:20,756
to ever cough up green shit
on the Resolute desk.
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00:01:20,758 --> 00:01:22,814
Whoo! Get him, Kamala!
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00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:24,895
Hey, Jill! If you're
gonna trap me in here,
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00:01:24,897 --> 00:01:28,128
can you at least bring me some
freshly Lysol'd rocky road?
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00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,609
So, Doc, how are my vitals?
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Your blood pressure
is a perfect 10, sir.
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00:01:31,367 --> 00:01:32,864
And your shriveled lungs have twisted
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00:01:32,866 --> 00:01:34,300
into a gorgeous French braid!
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00:01:34,302 --> 00:01:36,470
Whatever steroids
you're pumping into me,
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don't change a thing.
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00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:39,619
I haven't felt this euphoric
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since the judge gave my first
wife custody of the kids!
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Now that there's a
distracting fly on my head,
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I think that rioting in the streets
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is worse than the death
of innocent black people.
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Glad I got to slip that one in!
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Upp, I just lost my sense of smell.
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Usually I can sniff out my
nearest female blood relative,
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and I know for a fact my second cousin's
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down the block bleaching her stink ring.
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Who the hell am I talking to?
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Ladies and gentlemen,
now more than ever,
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America needs an administration
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that isn't actively
murdering its citizens.
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Oh, little miss perfect here
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hasn't committed negligent genocide.
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I'll take it from here,
Vice Peppermint Patty.
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00:02:12,291 --> 00:02:15,508
I got a gut full of horse pills,
and I'm ready to rip it!
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Yee-haw!
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As long as he goes one minute
before I do, I'll be happy.
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Vice President Pence, how do you justify
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your running mate licking
the safety partition
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like it's a big rock candy?
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Wow, look at the President's
healthy, robust tongue.
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Go get 'em, Donald!
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Lick that thing like
it's my family tree!
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That's all the time we have.
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Thanks for joining us
and remember to stay
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as far away from the sitting
U.S. President as possible.
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Want to see my birth certificate?
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Nah. I'm good.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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your next president
and my closest friend...
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we both love sports and making
each other's ethnic group
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feel more comfortable
with us... Joe Biden!
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Speech time! Gonna keep
this one apolitical!
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Charm, not change!
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And where do you think you're
going with those, Mister?
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My sunnies!
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You can have your sunnies
after your health care speech.
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Millions have been infected
by the Coronavirus
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and the only thing you've said
about it is "Bummer, folks".
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Can't Obama do all that Obamacare stuff?
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Biden-care? No, he don't!
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He better if he wants his sunnies.
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Well, can I still come out to
my favorite doo-wop record...
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The Dungy Brothers?
Set it to groove four.
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Groove five has some
very outdated language
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- concerning the Irish.
- Give me that.
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- No Dungman brothers!
- Dungy.
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Whoever they are, they
sound like a bad influence.
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Just go out there, say,
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"Health care is good and most people
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should have it eventually",
and get off the stage.
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Good morning, Yawnsville.
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I'm Joe Biden and I'm not
allowed to do anything cool,
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00:03:55,241 --> 00:03:59,936
because some people want me
to give a stupid, boring speech.
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This is my first time
outside in seven months!
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Some frickin' beef dip, manly...
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Some awesomely frothed beers...
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00:04:09,756 --> 00:04:12,089
couple of funny-as-shit napkins...
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All that's missing is every
single one of my friends.
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Ass!
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- Go for Eric!
- Where the heck are you?
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It's CNN hate-watch night!
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Raincheck, Don!
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I'm going to a restaurant tonight
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with my wife and kids who love me.
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Ivanka's here, too!
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- Nice to meet you, Dan!
- It's Don!
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I'm your sister!
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And everyone's here and
they're all shit-talking you
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'cause you're not.
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Eric and Ivanka suck!
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Yeah, they better be on
their way, because they suck.
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00:04:38,984 --> 00:04:40,718
Sounds cool, Dan, got to go!
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Tonight, an interview with Hunter Biden,
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a political son whose family
continues to embrace him
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00:04:45,157 --> 00:04:47,292
despite his countless personal foibles.
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A family that accepts him?
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What a loser, right, guys?
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You said it, Dan! It's Don!
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- Greetings, Anderson. I see you.
- Uh-huh.
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Do you think your
father's presidential bid
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will be affected by your
history of alcoholism,
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00:04:59,170 --> 00:05:01,739
cocaine addiction, philandering,
et cetera, et cetera,
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00:05:01,741 --> 00:05:03,039
and, to be honest, et cetera?
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00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:05,675
I've replaced my unhealthy
vices with healthy ones...
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00:05:05,677 --> 00:05:08,177
meditation, sensory deprivation tanks,
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00:05:08,179 --> 00:05:11,115
sensory overload tanks,
covering myself in pine nuts
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00:05:11,117 --> 00:05:13,519
until chipmunks form
a blanket on my chest.
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00:05:13,521 --> 00:05:15,588
Also, I drink 30 Sprite Zeros a day.
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How dare he better himself!
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Can I have one of your desk candies?
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- They'll make you hyper.
- Aww.
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00:05:22,066 --> 00:05:25,135
Joe, the DNC is kind
of like one big family.
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00:05:25,137 --> 00:05:27,330
I'm your dad, Pelosi's your mom...
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00:05:27,332 --> 00:05:29,798
Morgan Stanley, JP Morgan Chase?
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Those are your cousins you
have a harmless crush on.
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Why are y'all talking soft and nice?
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Am I in trouble?
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No one's in trouble.
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We just know what's best for you,
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and you need to take a
little break from the trail.
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I don't need a break!
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I need you two to get off my back!
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That's too bad.
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Who will we give this Amtrak ticket to?
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A nice leisurely ride on the
Western Starliner, wasted!
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How fun!
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00:05:53,625 --> 00:05:56,659
But won't the rally
miss my inspiring blurts?
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You can do all the blurts
you want from your own bunk
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00:05:59,466 --> 00:06:01,934
in that big, loud choo-choo!
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00:06:01,936 --> 00:06:04,345
A break, eh? Well, I am kind of tired
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00:06:04,347 --> 00:06:06,315
of running away from my voting record.
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Aw, heck, I call top bunk!
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00:06:10,233 --> 00:06:12,766
We need to take Hunter Biden down, Dad.
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00:06:12,768 --> 00:06:15,936
This guy named Qua-anon
DM'd me some haunted,
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00:06:15,938 --> 00:06:17,871
Ghostbusters-ass shit about him.
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Let's just say there's a reason
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Hunter Biden didn't show up
to the World Trade Center
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the day the Challenger blew up.
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Hunter's a dead end, Don.
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00:06:25,614 --> 00:06:28,582
Trail's colder than Melania's
eyes on our honeymoon.
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00:06:28,584 --> 00:06:30,910
- Zing!
- Why is Jared zinging you
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00:06:30,912 --> 00:06:32,986
and not me, the Prince of Zing?
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00:06:32,988 --> 00:06:35,388
Jared's on the COVID-19 task force.
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00:06:35,390 --> 00:06:37,056
Now leave us alone. We're busy.
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You'd rather hang out with lame Jared
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instead of helping strong me?
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We're not hanging, we're task-forcing!
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We are hanging after, though.
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This guy's never seen Last Man Standing.
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00:06:47,735 --> 00:06:51,437
- Whaaaat?
- I like Tim Allen...
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00:06:51,439 --> 00:06:55,575
I told Chuck and Nancy
I didn't need a babysitter.
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00:06:55,577 --> 00:06:58,744
I'm just here to help you
with your Trump stratagem.
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00:06:58,746 --> 00:07:01,880
Stratagem's duller than
unscented lady's shampoo.
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00:07:01,882 --> 00:07:04,850
I'm on vacation. I want
to do something fun!
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00:07:04,852 --> 00:07:07,853
I could regale you with a spooky story
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00:07:07,855 --> 00:07:10,202
about the old socialist boogeyman
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00:07:10,204 --> 00:07:12,426
who steals primaries in
the middle of the night.
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00:07:12,428 --> 00:07:15,995
Or I could do my own thing! Party time!
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00:07:15,997 --> 00:07:19,331
♪ Havin' some fun on the Amtrak train ♪
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00:07:19,333 --> 00:07:21,566
Back in the '70s, when
I was anti-abortion,
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00:07:21,568 --> 00:07:24,336
these bars only cost two horses' dimes!
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Hi, trees! Hi!
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Hi! Hi!
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Drone striiiiiike!
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Then in the '80s, when I got quieter
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00:07:31,586 --> 00:07:34,098
about being
anti-a-woman's-right-to-choose
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00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:35,981
but was still very much
not digging on it,
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00:07:35,983 --> 00:07:38,416
they bumped chocolates up to 50 cents!
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00:07:38,418 --> 00:07:40,218
Hello. Hello.
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00:07:40,220 --> 00:07:41,686
How do you do?
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00:07:41,688 --> 00:07:43,888
Yemeni air raid!
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00:07:43,890 --> 00:07:46,591
♪ Havin' some fun on the Amtrak train ♪
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00:07:46,593 --> 00:07:49,927
Then in 2001, they were a whole dollar!
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00:07:49,929 --> 00:07:52,697
And me? No longer against Roe v. Wade!
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00:07:52,699 --> 00:07:53,765
On paper.
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00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:54,866
Hi.
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00:07:54,868 --> 00:07:56,968
Dumb trees don't even talk!
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00:07:56,970 --> 00:07:58,770
Yow! Need my sunnies.
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00:07:58,772 --> 00:07:59,904
Pelosi's got 'em.
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00:07:59,906 --> 00:08:01,473
You won't pillow fight me.
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00:08:01,475 --> 00:08:04,509
The snack cart lady won't
let me guess her conditioner.
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00:08:04,511 --> 00:08:06,964
If I wanted a sucky train
ride I'd have taken
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00:08:06,966 --> 00:08:10,615
the 4:23 Northeast
Regional toward Towson!
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00:08:10,617 --> 00:08:11,882
Why don't you just
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00:08:11,884 --> 00:08:13,450
investigate Hunter Biden yourself?
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00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:14,552
You work best alone.
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00:08:14,554 --> 00:08:16,353
Like last night when you threw
that party no one went to
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00:08:16,355 --> 00:08:17,655
and I had the house to myself?
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00:08:17,657 --> 00:08:20,090
Even if I became the
ultimate lone wolf detective
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00:08:20,092 --> 00:08:21,825
with a sick-ass magnifying glass,
218
00:08:21,827 --> 00:08:24,695
I still couldn't dig up any dirt
that would stick to Hunter.
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00:08:24,697 --> 00:08:26,129
There's always more dirt.
220
00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:29,633
Think about all the horrible
things I don't know about you!
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00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:31,935
Hm. I am pretty fucked in the nut.
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00:08:31,937 --> 00:08:33,804
Why, you'd leave me
in a second if you knew
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00:08:33,806 --> 00:08:35,806
what was going on up in my big old nut.
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00:08:35,808 --> 00:08:37,675
Ehhh, I'd probably stick it out.
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00:08:37,677 --> 00:08:39,610
I don't want to spend
my mid-to-late-50s alone.
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00:08:39,612 --> 00:08:41,999
Thanks, Kimmy Shit. Screw Dad, Eric,
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00:08:42,001 --> 00:08:44,781
and all of the other non-family
friends I definitely have.
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00:08:44,783 --> 00:08:47,149
I'll blow the lid off
Hunter Biden myself,
229
00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:50,353
or my name isn't my dad's name, Jr.
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00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:52,389
I'm onto you.
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00:08:52,391 --> 00:08:54,090
You're trying to control me again!
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00:08:54,092 --> 00:08:55,458
Well, I'm getting off this chooch
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00:08:55,460 --> 00:08:57,527
and getting back on that rally stage!
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00:08:57,529 --> 00:09:00,597
Joe, sorry, but you're
not getting off that train.
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00:09:00,599 --> 00:09:02,465
Every time we hand you a microphone,
236
00:09:02,467 --> 00:09:05,635
you disobey us, you
stray from the party line.
237
00:09:05,637 --> 00:09:07,537
I know what's hip! Police violence?
238
00:09:07,539 --> 00:09:09,772
Send 'em more money!
Health care problems?
239
00:09:09,774 --> 00:09:11,106
Give the police more money!
240
00:09:11,108 --> 00:09:13,544
We're not letting you
speak. And that's final.
241
00:09:13,546 --> 00:09:16,346
When you don't listen, you
lose your rally privileges.
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00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:20,616
How dare you! I'm Joe
Biden, you can't stop m...
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00:09:20,618 --> 00:09:22,651
I'm sorry, Pokémon Joe.
244
00:09:22,653 --> 00:09:25,287
But I just can't let you Pokémon Go.
245
00:09:28,225 --> 00:09:31,006
A couple of weeks ago, I got a call from
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00:09:31,008 --> 00:09:33,729
your Presidential guardians,
Nancy and Chuck.
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00:09:33,731 --> 00:09:38,066
They asked me to keep you off
the trail and on this train.
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00:09:38,068 --> 00:09:40,869
And don't they always need my help...
249
00:09:40,871 --> 00:09:42,771
destigmatizing my husband,
250
00:09:42,773 --> 00:09:44,986
making my husband more palatable...
251
00:09:44,988 --> 00:09:47,022
Shouldn't us centrists stick together?
252
00:09:47,024 --> 00:09:49,911
The right's gone so far
they're tear-gassing citizens,
253
00:09:49,913 --> 00:09:51,146
the left's gone so far
254
00:09:51,148 --> 00:09:52,986
they're posting about
it on the Internet.
255
00:09:52,988 --> 00:09:55,683
Sorry, Joe, but I'm on Team Hillary,
256
00:09:55,685 --> 00:09:58,852
and the DNC has promised
a big fat donation
257
00:09:58,854 --> 00:10:00,554
to the Clinton Foundation,
258
00:10:00,556 --> 00:10:02,621
finally insuring a bright future
259
00:10:02,623 --> 00:10:05,526
for all four people
in the Clinton Dynasty.
260
00:10:05,528 --> 00:10:06,960
So you're not going anywhere.
261
00:10:06,962 --> 00:10:09,530
Even if I got to water
the toilet flowers?
262
00:10:09,532 --> 00:10:11,999
Not even to water the toilet flowers.
263
00:10:12,001 --> 00:10:15,300
But, Miss Hillary, that violates
the Geneva Convention.
264
00:10:15,302 --> 00:10:17,037
Darned Geneva Convention.
265
00:10:17,039 --> 00:10:18,890
Five minutes to pee. But that's it!
266
00:10:18,892 --> 00:10:21,893
Hey, score one for my aged bladder!
267
00:10:23,145 --> 00:10:25,212
There he is... Hunter freakin' Biden.
268
00:10:25,214 --> 00:10:26,687
Going right into a bar.
269
00:10:26,689 --> 00:10:28,883
I love a stakeout.
Reminds me of the time
270
00:10:28,885 --> 00:10:32,317
I spent a month in a pup tent
behind the Gershwin theater,
271
00:10:32,319 --> 00:10:35,195
hoping to catch this one
munchkin with huge cans
272
00:10:35,197 --> 00:10:37,057
from Wicked take a smoke break.
273
00:10:37,059 --> 00:10:39,259
Stop talking. You're
gonna blow our cover.
274
00:10:39,261 --> 00:10:41,494
And you're spitting
pistachios all over me.
275
00:10:41,496 --> 00:10:43,272
Had pistachios for dinner last night.
276
00:10:43,274 --> 00:10:45,707
Must be a few loose
shells stuck in my craw!
277
00:10:45,709 --> 00:10:48,010
That's the worst sentence
I have ever heard.
278
00:10:48,012 --> 00:10:50,313
Screw it, I'm going inside!
279
00:10:52,850 --> 00:10:54,750
Shit!
280
00:10:54,752 --> 00:10:57,387
This Dungy Brothers record
is gonna blow my cover!
281
00:10:57,389 --> 00:10:58,722
Don Jr.?
282
00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:00,758
You here to break bread, or break noses?
283
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,696
I'm just here to have a freakin' beer.
284
00:11:02,698 --> 00:11:04,766
The fact that we're both
here at the same time
285
00:11:04,768 --> 00:11:06,162
is just a weird Connecticut.
286
00:11:06,164 --> 00:11:08,520
Or maybe it's fate, a
concept I learned about
287
00:11:08,522 --> 00:11:10,300
during my healing journey at Big Sur.
288
00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:12,202
Big Sur? You know my dad?
289
00:11:12,204 --> 00:11:13,870
In a way, we all know everyone.
290
00:11:13,872 --> 00:11:14,972
Pull up a stool.
291
00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:17,473
I imagine we have some
things to talk about.
292
00:11:20,678 --> 00:11:22,145
Stupid Miss Hillary!
293
00:11:22,147 --> 00:11:23,313
Time to make my escape
294
00:11:23,315 --> 00:11:25,615
through the Amtrak plumbing pipes.
295
00:11:25,617 --> 00:11:27,850
Geronimo!
296
00:11:27,852 --> 00:11:29,352
Biscuits!
297
00:11:29,354 --> 00:11:32,002
Alright, pretend it's
a Presidential campaign
298
00:11:32,004 --> 00:11:34,808
and just take another two stabs at it!
299
00:11:34,810 --> 00:11:35,977
I'm gonna level with you.
300
00:11:35,979 --> 00:11:38,127
I didn't have to water
the toilet flowers.
301
00:11:38,129 --> 00:11:40,229
Face it, Joe, you're
not getting out of here
302
00:11:40,231 --> 00:11:41,663
while I'm babysitter.
303
00:11:41,665 --> 00:11:44,066
I babysat Bill Clinton so diligently,
304
00:11:44,068 --> 00:11:45,933
people hate me more than they hate him!
305
00:11:45,935 --> 00:11:48,603
Is that how you want to spend
your golden years, Hillary?
306
00:11:48,605 --> 00:11:50,572
Babysitting for the DNC?
307
00:11:50,574 --> 00:11:51,740
What else would I do?
308
00:11:51,742 --> 00:11:53,307
Run for President? Should I?
309
00:11:53,309 --> 00:11:55,811
I've been brainstorming
a few logos on my arm.
310
00:11:55,813 --> 00:11:57,985
Unless you want to be
President of the train,
311
00:11:57,987 --> 00:11:59,321
you're in the wrong spot!
312
00:11:59,323 --> 00:12:01,583
Ever consider Chuck and
Nancy put you on this train
313
00:12:01,585 --> 00:12:03,286
to keep you hidden, just like me?
314
00:12:03,288 --> 00:12:04,576
Why would they do that?
315
00:12:04,578 --> 00:12:07,089
I'm the lifeblood of
the Democratic party.
316
00:12:07,091 --> 00:12:08,523
Ask John Podesta!
317
00:12:08,525 --> 00:12:12,160
All I'm saying is, I don't know
who created Pokémon Go...
318
00:12:12,162 --> 00:12:13,196
I'm listening...
319
00:12:13,198 --> 00:12:16,598
... but the DNC is treating
you like a Pokémon Schmo.
320
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:17,999
My God, Joe.
321
00:12:18,001 --> 00:12:22,737
Chuck and Nancy locked her
up, and the "her" is me!
322
00:12:22,739 --> 00:12:24,973
So by drinking 30 Sprite Zeros a day,
323
00:12:24,975 --> 00:12:28,343
you took full control over
your mind, body, and ass?
324
00:12:28,345 --> 00:12:29,811
I still have dark moments.
325
00:12:29,813 --> 00:12:32,380
Last year I picked a fight
with a strip club bouncer
326
00:12:32,382 --> 00:12:33,748
to get my face messed up enough
327
00:12:33,750 --> 00:12:35,650
to score some painkillers at the ER.
328
00:12:35,652 --> 00:12:37,586
But mostly, I've achieved peace.
329
00:12:37,588 --> 00:12:40,523
Bartender! This Sprite Zero's
all wet on the sides.
330
00:12:40,525 --> 00:12:42,423
My hand is ruined!
331
00:12:42,425 --> 00:12:45,526
You hate it when drinks
are wet on the side, too?
332
00:12:45,528 --> 00:12:47,411
- Yeah.
- And you yell at struggling
333
00:12:47,413 --> 00:12:49,232
- food industry workers about it?
- Yeah.
334
00:12:49,234 --> 00:12:55,335
It was a bet, it was a bet,
it was a big stupid bet!
335
00:12:55,337 --> 00:12:57,872
- What?
- I mean, I was trying to dig up
336
00:12:57,874 --> 00:13:00,608
dirt on you, but once I saw your dirt,
337
00:13:00,610 --> 00:13:03,744
it was like I was looking
into a dirt mirror!
338
00:13:03,746 --> 00:13:08,614
Your. Dad. Wears. A.
Flag. Pin. Like. Miiiiiine!
339
00:13:08,616 --> 00:13:10,217
Let it out, Don.
340
00:13:10,219 --> 00:13:13,721
Tears are the body's
way of letting you cry.
341
00:13:15,347 --> 00:13:16,614
This is it, Joe.
342
00:13:16,616 --> 00:13:19,626
Time to stop just chillin'
in Cedar Rapids,
343
00:13:19,628 --> 00:13:23,491
and start jumpin' into those
actual raging rapids below.
344
00:13:23,493 --> 00:13:25,928
That's a long way down, Miss Hillary.
345
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:28,498
Maybe we should call
Obama, double-check this
346
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:29,834
is the right thing to do.
347
00:13:29,836 --> 00:13:31,604
You don't need Obama, Joe!
348
00:13:31,606 --> 00:13:34,461
- Remember Will and Grace?
- You mean Gay Cheers?
349
00:13:34,463 --> 00:13:37,919
If you had listened to Obama,
there'd be no gay marriage,
350
00:13:37,921 --> 00:13:39,746
which wouldn't be the
worst thing in the world.
351
00:13:39,748 --> 00:13:42,849
- But you made it a reality.
- Inspiring!
352
00:13:42,851 --> 00:13:44,984
Say, what other good things have I done?
353
00:13:44,986 --> 00:13:48,187
Well, there's that time you, uh...
354
00:13:48,189 --> 00:13:49,288
Geronimo!
355
00:13:49,290 --> 00:13:51,183
Hey, wait for me!
356
00:13:51,185 --> 00:13:53,426
Joe Biden Joe!
357
00:13:53,428 --> 00:13:56,829
And that's the full extent
of my father's involvement
358
00:13:56,831 --> 00:13:57,965
with Burisma Holdings.
359
00:13:57,967 --> 00:14:00,317
Wow, I can't believe
you told me all that,
360
00:14:00,319 --> 00:14:02,861
considering our dads are
competing to vacantly nod
361
00:14:02,863 --> 00:14:04,196
at generals for four years.
362
00:14:04,198 --> 00:14:05,571
You won't betray my trust.
363
00:14:05,573 --> 00:14:06,805
We're cut from the same
364
00:14:06,807 --> 00:14:08,700
North Face indoor camping blanket.
365
00:14:08,702 --> 00:14:11,161
I suppose I should open up, too.
366
00:14:11,163 --> 00:14:13,884
Back when I was a kid
and TiVo first came out,
367
00:14:13,886 --> 00:14:15,499
I used to pause the television
368
00:14:15,501 --> 00:14:17,416
on this one Chex cereal commercial.
369
00:14:17,418 --> 00:14:19,918
The mother in it was so
beautiful and friendly,
370
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,288
I practiced my first
kiss on that screen.
371
00:14:22,290 --> 00:14:24,989
But my saliva mixed with
the static of the television
372
00:14:24,991 --> 00:14:28,560
and I got shocked and went
into a coma for like a week!
373
00:14:28,562 --> 00:14:33,141
Doctors said I'd never
wake up, but then one day,
374
00:14:33,143 --> 00:14:36,134
the Chex cereal commercial
came on the hospital TV.
375
00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:39,571
I shot right up and
yelled "Mommy girlfriend!"
376
00:14:39,573 --> 00:14:41,639
TiVo came out in 1999.
377
00:14:41,641 --> 00:14:43,674
You would've been what, like 22?
378
00:14:43,676 --> 00:14:44,776
Maybe we got it early.
379
00:14:44,778 --> 00:14:47,178
Anyway, please don't tell anybody.
380
00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:49,481
I will keep your secrets
close to my heart,
381
00:14:49,483 --> 00:14:52,383
like I used to with
small baggies of cocaine
382
00:14:52,385 --> 00:14:54,819
or perhaps crack.
383
00:14:54,821 --> 00:14:56,721
Your hands are really soft!
384
00:14:57,890 --> 00:15:01,125
Well, if the sun is north
and the ground is south,
385
00:15:01,127 --> 00:15:03,327
we should be able to
hit the rally by noon!
386
00:15:03,329 --> 00:15:05,395
I... feel... great!
387
00:15:05,397 --> 00:15:07,164
Miss Hillary, you okay?
388
00:15:07,166 --> 00:15:09,199
I think I might've gotten sniped...
389
00:15:09,201 --> 00:15:10,668
Bosnians in the hills.
390
00:15:10,670 --> 00:15:12,703
I'll carry you. My body is weak,
391
00:15:12,705 --> 00:15:16,441
but my inability to assess
my own limitations is strong!
392
00:15:16,443 --> 00:15:17,478
Leave me, Joe.
393
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:18,948
This journey is your own.
394
00:15:18,950 --> 00:15:20,144
Here, take this!
395
00:15:20,146 --> 00:15:22,412
- Hot sauce. Tell your black supporters...
- _
396
00:15:22,414 --> 00:15:26,784
I had it on me when I gracefully
exited this mortal campaign.
397
00:15:26,786 --> 00:15:29,720
Racial pandering till your last breath.
398
00:15:29,722 --> 00:15:32,389
I will tell your story, Hillary!
399
00:15:32,391 --> 00:15:36,392
And I'll make sure to
brush over Benghazi!
400
00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:42,498
I guess that makes me
the last man standing!
401
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:44,500
It's so true.
402
00:15:44,502 --> 00:15:46,670
He tells it like it is
for us millionaires
403
00:15:46,672 --> 00:15:48,838
pretending to be normal
people on camera.
404
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,007
Well, chim-cheerio, I did it!
405
00:15:51,009 --> 00:15:54,144
I got the dirt none of you
could get on Hunter Biden!
406
00:15:54,146 --> 00:15:55,945
- Chim-cheerio.
- Nooo! Dish!
407
00:15:55,947 --> 00:15:59,482
Sorry, Dad, but the "dish" is
cold and I will not serve it.
408
00:15:59,484 --> 00:16:01,317
Because he's my friend.
409
00:16:01,319 --> 00:16:02,453
You don't have "friends".
410
00:16:02,455 --> 00:16:03,689
Yes, I do!
411
00:16:03,691 --> 00:16:06,125
We even trade the
same crude oil futures.
412
00:16:06,127 --> 00:16:07,890
Just tell us what he did or leave!
413
00:16:07,892 --> 00:16:11,194
Sorry that you two can't
relate to having a real friend
414
00:16:11,196 --> 00:16:13,889
who isn't secretly
wearing a wire, but I do.
415
00:16:13,891 --> 00:16:17,057
And I'll never rat out
Hunter for political gain.
416
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,873
And here to rat out
Don Jr. for political gain,
417
00:16:19,875 --> 00:16:22,706
Hunter Biden!
418
00:16:22,708 --> 00:16:23,806
Oh, God...
419
00:16:23,808 --> 00:16:25,107
So thirsty...
420
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:26,842
Folks... Come on...
421
00:16:26,844 --> 00:16:29,044
Water... Water...
422
00:16:29,046 --> 00:16:31,414
The hot-sauce!
423
00:16:31,416 --> 00:16:32,448
Hot!
424
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,016
I know... sand!
425
00:16:34,018 --> 00:16:35,585
Nature's water!
426
00:16:36,654 --> 00:16:40,022
Aw, maybe I do need Chuck and Nancy.
427
00:16:40,024 --> 00:16:41,324
Hello. Rent-a-car.
428
00:16:41,326 --> 00:16:44,793
Hey, folks, I need a
Lincoln Town Car motorcade
429
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:47,462
at the corner of... cactus and rock.
430
00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:49,397
Sorry, we don't do
motorcades at this Hertz.
431
00:16:49,399 --> 00:16:52,296
We have a PT Cruiser that
smells like a nursing home.
432
00:16:52,298 --> 00:16:53,698
- Whatever!
- Credit card number?
433
00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:55,938
Hey, Jill, tell them our card number.
434
00:16:55,940 --> 00:16:57,906
Jill? Aw, crap.
435
00:16:57,908 --> 00:16:59,674
What if I told you I'm the former
436
00:16:59,676 --> 00:17:01,576
Vice President of the United States.
437
00:17:01,578 --> 00:17:03,018
Yeah, call me when you're president.
438
00:17:04,416 --> 00:17:05,616
Let me get this straight...
439
00:17:05,618 --> 00:17:07,916
Don Jr. kissed his television so hard
440
00:17:07,918 --> 00:17:10,119
that he electrocuted
himself into a coma?
441
00:17:10,121 --> 00:17:11,720
- That is correct.
- Harrowing.
442
00:17:11,722 --> 00:17:12,921
And now I'm getting word that
443
00:17:12,923 --> 00:17:14,893
known television molester Don Jr.
444
00:17:14,895 --> 00:17:15,995
is calling into the show.
445
00:17:15,997 --> 00:17:18,025
You promised me!
446
00:17:18,027 --> 00:17:20,228
Urinal! Wet on side of drink!
447
00:17:20,230 --> 00:17:21,796
It sounds like the son of the President
448
00:17:21,798 --> 00:17:23,998
is flooding his receiver
with tears and spittle.
449
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,356
Only a man guilty of
molesting his television
450
00:17:26,358 --> 00:17:28,303
would cry out so hysterically.
451
00:17:28,305 --> 00:17:30,338
I didn't molest the TiVo!
452
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:33,040
Don, drink 30 Sprite
Zeros and calm down.
453
00:17:33,042 --> 00:17:34,108
I can be calm.
454
00:17:34,110 --> 00:17:36,645
Because I also have secrets.
455
00:17:36,647 --> 00:17:39,494
That's right, Hunter
told me the nasty truth
456
00:17:39,496 --> 00:17:41,913
about his dealings
with Burisma Holdings!
457
00:17:41,915 --> 00:17:44,165
No. Stop. Don't.
458
00:17:44,167 --> 00:17:48,956
In 2015, Joe and Hunter Biden
returned to Isla Nublar,
459
00:17:48,958 --> 00:17:51,506
where the previously
destroyed Dino theme park
460
00:17:51,508 --> 00:17:54,827
had been rebuilt for people's amusement!
461
00:17:54,829 --> 00:17:57,098
This sounds a lot like the
plot of Jurassic World.
462
00:17:57,100 --> 00:17:59,264
Hunter, what do you have
to say to these accusations
463
00:17:59,266 --> 00:18:02,270
that you and your father visited
the Dino-island of Isla Nublar?
464
00:18:02,272 --> 00:18:04,538
Clearly a pathetic lie
to try and undermine
465
00:18:04,540 --> 00:18:06,707
my family's spotless political record.
466
00:18:06,709 --> 00:18:08,442
But that's what you told me!
467
00:18:08,444 --> 00:18:10,812
Why would you say this if not true!
468
00:18:10,814 --> 00:18:13,181
Hunter, while I question
the morality of your past...
469
00:18:13,183 --> 00:18:15,216
the secret baby, your use of the term
470
00:18:15,218 --> 00:18:17,317
"day drinking" to justify
cracking a Michelob
471
00:18:17,319 --> 00:18:18,853
spiked with LSD during Easter Mass...
472
00:18:18,855 --> 00:18:20,554
I can see you have reformed.
473
00:18:20,556 --> 00:18:23,291
Say, would you like to come to
Under The Tuscan Sun movie night
474
00:18:23,293 --> 00:18:24,992
with me, Halsey, and Adam Rippon?
475
00:18:24,994 --> 00:18:27,128
I want to go under the sun!
476
00:18:27,130 --> 00:18:29,430
You lost Joe Biden?
477
00:18:29,432 --> 00:18:30,797
I let him go.
478
00:18:30,799 --> 00:18:32,999
It's high time someone
stood up to you two.
479
00:18:33,001 --> 00:18:36,670
I knew we shouldn't have put you
two on the scenic desert train.
480
00:18:36,672 --> 00:18:37,938
That's just great.
481
00:18:37,940 --> 00:18:39,572
The oldest candidate for President
482
00:18:39,574 --> 00:18:42,442
in our nation's history
wandering around the Mojave,
483
00:18:42,444 --> 00:18:45,212
justifying cutting social
security to the wind.
484
00:18:45,214 --> 00:18:48,281
Face it, you need him
as much as he needs you.
485
00:18:48,283 --> 00:18:49,649
We just need him healthy enough
486
00:18:49,651 --> 00:18:51,818
to put his hand on
a bible and say "I do"
487
00:18:51,820 --> 00:18:54,021
before we hand full
power over to Kamala!
488
00:18:54,023 --> 00:18:57,126
This the last time we
ask you to babysit for us.
489
00:18:57,128 --> 00:18:59,449
You can kiss that $400,000 tip
490
00:18:59,451 --> 00:19:01,494
to your Clinton Foundation goodbye!
491
00:19:01,496 --> 00:19:06,065
But that was earmarked
for Ghislaine Maxwell's bail!
492
00:19:06,067 --> 00:19:08,401
♪ The Irish ♪
493
00:19:08,403 --> 00:19:10,536
Dungy Brothers?
494
00:19:10,538 --> 00:19:12,590
Chuck... Nancy...
495
00:19:12,592 --> 00:19:14,240
talking points...
496
00:19:14,242 --> 00:19:15,608
help!
497
00:19:19,614 --> 00:19:21,715
I finally had a friend in Hunter,
498
00:19:21,717 --> 00:19:23,451
but then he betrayed me.
499
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:25,168
Wow, that sucks.
500
00:19:25,170 --> 00:19:27,687
You want to go in the bathroom
and cry by yourself?
501
00:19:27,689 --> 00:19:31,420
That's very sweet of you, but
I can't be alone right now.
502
00:19:31,422 --> 00:19:33,025
- Hey, K-Kimberly?
- Ugh.
503
00:19:33,027 --> 00:19:35,225
Do you want to become friends?
504
00:19:35,227 --> 00:19:36,961
What would that involve?
Transactional sex?
505
00:19:36,963 --> 00:19:38,931
We would share secrets. I'll start.
506
00:19:38,933 --> 00:19:41,633
A few years ago in Midtown,
after meeting Russian oligarchs
507
00:19:41,635 --> 00:19:43,135
about derailing Hillary's campaign...
508
00:19:43,137 --> 00:19:44,703
Wow, that is bad!
509
00:19:44,705 --> 00:19:46,038
No, that's not the secret.
510
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:50,209
I saw a ad for a beautiful lady
lawyer on the side of a bus.
511
00:19:50,211 --> 00:19:52,419
I went to kiss her,
but before I knew it,
512
00:19:52,421 --> 00:19:55,714
I was getting dragged along
42nd Street by my tight whites.
513
00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:57,674
And the matinees had just let out,
514
00:19:57,676 --> 00:19:59,217
so the entire audience
515
00:19:59,219 --> 00:20:02,788
of Dear Evan Hansen: The Musical
saw my underwear.
516
00:20:02,790 --> 00:20:05,291
Which were not all white!
517
00:20:05,293 --> 00:20:08,294
Ohh. What a weight off my chest.
518
00:20:08,296 --> 00:20:09,594
Been thinking about
that one for a while.
519
00:20:09,596 --> 00:20:11,128
- Now you go.
- Okay, I'll go.
520
00:20:11,130 --> 00:20:13,264
To Gavin Newsom's house for the weekend.
521
00:20:13,266 --> 00:20:14,732
Who needs her, right, guys?
522
00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:16,734
Kind of busy tonight. Raincheck.
523
00:20:16,736 --> 00:20:18,569
Ugh! Fine, text me later!
524
00:20:18,571 --> 00:20:19,572
I'm Jake Tapper.
525
00:20:19,574 --> 00:20:23,116
A search party has recovered
Joe Biden's unconscious body
526
00:20:23,118 --> 00:20:25,109
from an undisclosed desert location,
527
00:20:25,111 --> 00:20:26,210
after the Vice President
528
00:20:26,212 --> 00:20:28,121
reportedly jumped off an Amtrak train
529
00:20:28,123 --> 00:20:30,780
with former Secretary
of State Hillary Clinton.
530
00:20:30,782 --> 00:20:33,418
Joe Biden has been transferred
to Walter Reed Hospital,
531
00:20:33,420 --> 00:20:35,786
where his every need
is being taken care of.
532
00:20:35,788 --> 00:20:37,964
I just wanted to be my own man.
533
00:20:37,966 --> 00:20:41,025
But now I got all these other
men doing everything for me,
534
00:20:41,027 --> 00:20:42,693
including this male nurse!
535
00:20:42,695 --> 00:20:45,597
Mr. Nurse, can you turn up the TV?
536
00:20:45,599 --> 00:20:47,592
Sure, you big baby,
I'll turn up your baby show.
537
00:20:47,594 --> 00:20:49,392
Just 'cause I'm eating soft foods
538
00:20:49,394 --> 00:20:51,802
and drinking medicated
formula from a sippy cup
539
00:20:51,804 --> 00:20:53,103
doesn't mean I'm a baby.
540
00:20:53,105 --> 00:20:57,174
Aw, goo-goo, God damn it, I am a baby!
541
00:20:58,444 --> 00:20:59,844
Who needs friends anyhow.
542
00:20:59,846 --> 00:21:02,581
Some lifelong alone time
would be a nice change of pace!
543
00:21:02,583 --> 00:21:03,584
Hey, I'm here.
544
00:21:03,586 --> 00:21:06,485
Rudy, you don't count, and
I know that you know that.
545
00:21:06,487 --> 00:21:07,488
Yeah, I know.
546
00:21:07,490 --> 00:21:09,920
So Hunter betrayed your trust
and ruined your reputation.
547
00:21:09,922 --> 00:21:11,622
Doesn't mean he can't be your friend.
548
00:21:11,624 --> 00:21:13,256
That seems messed up even to me,
549
00:21:13,258 --> 00:21:15,668
and I spent most of 2018 on Twitter
550
00:21:15,670 --> 00:21:17,328
doxxing Parkland survivors.
551
00:21:17,330 --> 00:21:18,498
It is messed up!
552
00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:20,252
Your father's stabbed me
in the back so many times
553
00:21:20,254 --> 00:21:22,232
I've got more stitches
than mole clusters.
554
00:21:22,234 --> 00:21:24,034
But he's your best friend.
555
00:21:24,036 --> 00:21:25,969
Best political friend.
556
00:21:25,971 --> 00:21:28,405
I love your dad, and he tolerates me,
557
00:21:28,407 --> 00:21:30,975
but at the end of the day,
we'd both sell each other out
558
00:21:30,977 --> 00:21:32,642
for a Lithuanian go-go dancer
559
00:21:32,644 --> 00:21:34,577
and a plate of ice-cold cheese fries.
560
00:21:34,579 --> 00:21:38,948
Political friendship built on
lies, distrust, and betrayal?
561
00:21:38,950 --> 00:21:40,350
I could try that!
562
00:21:40,352 --> 00:21:44,388
Let me be clear, here
comes the Amtrak train!
563
00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:46,456
- Choo-choo!
- Thanks, Barack.
564
00:21:46,458 --> 00:21:47,991
How'd you find me, anyhow?
565
00:21:47,993 --> 00:21:49,861
Drones aren't just for Yemeni weddings.
566
00:21:49,863 --> 00:21:51,628
Aww, that's sweet.
567
00:21:51,630 --> 00:21:53,463
Joe, the DNC is like a family,
568
00:21:53,465 --> 00:21:55,964
and I'm the wise grandfather
you only see on Christmas.
569
00:21:55,966 --> 00:21:57,970
Except this campaign's been so messy,
570
00:21:57,972 --> 00:21:59,935
I've been having to
step in almost every day!
571
00:21:59,937 --> 00:22:01,670
I'm sorry, Barack.
572
00:22:01,672 --> 00:22:04,273
I know I should listen
to Chuck and Nancy,
573
00:22:04,275 --> 00:22:06,475
but I also want to listen
to the Dungy Brothers
574
00:22:06,477 --> 00:22:07,543
and sniff ladies' necks.
575
00:22:07,545 --> 00:22:09,645
What you need, Joe, is compromise...
576
00:22:09,647 --> 00:22:12,415
when everybody agrees to do
something and nobody's happy.
577
00:22:12,417 --> 00:22:14,816
It's the foundation of
our two-party system.
578
00:22:14,818 --> 00:22:17,498
Like how the South
had to give up slavery,
579
00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:19,649
but kept the right
to fly parachute-sized
580
00:22:19,651 --> 00:22:22,724
confederate flags and
signal they miss slavery!
581
00:22:22,726 --> 00:22:24,126
Not the most encouraging example,
582
00:22:24,128 --> 00:22:25,361
but yes, that's the idea.
583
00:22:25,363 --> 00:22:27,829
I suppose I can reach a compromise
584
00:22:27,831 --> 00:22:29,865
with Mommy Chuck and Daddy Nancy.
585
00:22:29,867 --> 00:22:30,868
And you can.
586
00:22:30,870 --> 00:22:34,446
They're waiting out in the
car, and they're worried sick.
587
00:22:34,448 --> 00:22:36,048
You buckled up back there?
588
00:22:36,050 --> 00:22:37,818
Yes, Miss Nancy.
589
00:22:37,820 --> 00:22:39,754
You know, we were
really worried about you.
590
00:22:39,756 --> 00:22:40,990
I know.
591
00:22:40,992 --> 00:22:43,612
Sometimes it might
seem like we don't care,
592
00:22:43,614 --> 00:22:45,714
but really we just want what's best
593
00:22:45,716 --> 00:22:47,430
for our little future President.
594
00:22:47,432 --> 00:22:48,895
I'm sorry, too.
595
00:22:48,897 --> 00:22:50,555
Couple hours without you guys,
596
00:22:50,557 --> 00:22:52,087
and I almost died in the desert
597
00:22:52,089 --> 00:22:54,189
without even getting to meet Barbarella!
598
00:22:54,191 --> 00:22:55,991
Hey, before we shut you in your basement
599
00:22:55,993 --> 00:22:57,826
for the rest of the year,
why don't we stop
600
00:22:57,828 --> 00:23:00,428
and get you some ice cream
at one of your rallies?
601
00:23:00,430 --> 00:23:03,998
Ice cream? Rally? Will
Miss Hillary be there?
602
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,833
As long as you hit your talking points!
603
00:23:05,835 --> 00:23:09,136
Yay! Ice cream! Miss Hillary!
604
00:23:09,138 --> 00:23:11,505
Dear Hunter, just because our dads
605
00:23:11,507 --> 00:23:13,494
are politically opposed
in every possible sense
606
00:23:13,496 --> 00:23:15,476
except the military, police,
and health care system
607
00:23:15,478 --> 00:23:17,078
doesn't mean that we
can't still be friends.
608
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:18,745
In Washington, friends and enemies
609
00:23:18,747 --> 00:23:20,680
are pretty much the
same-ass thing anyway.
610
00:23:20,682 --> 00:23:22,449
If you're free tonight, turn on Hannity.
611
00:23:22,451 --> 00:23:26,086
You might see a familiar face.
612
00:23:26,088 --> 00:23:28,688
And yoga rehab? Is Hunter Biden serious?
613
00:23:28,690 --> 00:23:30,258
That's not even manly.
614
00:23:30,260 --> 00:23:32,361
Ever heard of eating burgers?
615
00:23:32,363 --> 00:23:35,593
Get this... he drinks Sprite Zero!
616
00:23:35,595 --> 00:23:39,166
Zero calories. Zero
chance of getting laid.
617
00:23:39,168 --> 00:23:42,161
Sorry, ex-husband
Gavin Newsom. It's over.
618
00:23:42,163 --> 00:23:44,204
Also, the night his
divorce was finalized,
619
00:23:44,206 --> 00:23:46,373
he went straight to a strip
club as a final "fuck you!"
620
00:23:46,375 --> 00:23:47,941
to his wife of 24 years.
621
00:23:47,943 --> 00:23:50,344
Ha... Whoa, that's actually pretty sad.
622
00:23:50,346 --> 00:23:52,546
And I'm getting word that
Hunter Biden is calling in!
623
00:23:52,548 --> 00:23:54,118
You're on the air, Burisma Boy.
624
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,916
I just want to say what
Don Jr. is saying is not true,
625
00:23:56,918 --> 00:23:59,352
but how he's saying it is pretty cool.
626
00:23:59,354 --> 00:24:01,487
Go eat a burger, soy-man.
627
00:24:01,489 --> 00:24:03,657
Go trim your beard, daddy's boy.
628
00:24:03,659 --> 00:24:06,492
Triggered much?
629
00:24:06,494 --> 00:24:08,662
Okay guys, this patty-cake energy
630
00:24:08,664 --> 00:24:10,563
is not matching the combative language.
631
00:24:10,565 --> 00:24:12,666
Cut to a home security ad!
632
00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:18,271
So before we get this party started,
633
00:24:18,273 --> 00:24:20,707
it's important to the Democratic party,
634
00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:24,144
especially my guardian
angels, Chuck and Nancy,
635
00:24:24,146 --> 00:24:25,344
that I say this...
636
00:24:25,346 --> 00:24:26,612
Give 'em hell, Joe!
637
00:24:26,614 --> 00:24:28,580
Health care is good.
638
00:24:28,582 --> 00:24:32,284
Most people should have it eventually.
639
00:24:32,286 --> 00:24:34,486
The perfect speech!
640
00:24:34,488 --> 00:24:36,955
And now, in an act of solidarity,
641
00:24:36,957 --> 00:24:39,058
I'd like to invite my best friend
642
00:24:39,060 --> 00:24:41,493
Miss Hillary to say a few words.
643
00:24:41,495 --> 00:24:42,879
Thank you, Joe.
644
00:24:42,881 --> 00:24:45,597
I'd like to take this
hot Mic opportunity
645
00:24:45,599 --> 00:24:49,168
to announce my candidacy for President
646
00:24:49,170 --> 00:24:52,171
- in 202...
- Uhh, hey, Joe.
647
00:24:52,173 --> 00:24:53,872
How's about some "Dungy" Brothers?
648
00:24:53,874 --> 00:24:55,074
You've earned it!
649
00:24:55,076 --> 00:24:56,942
My eyes!
650
00:24:56,944 --> 00:24:59,111
I love this song!
651
00:24:59,113 --> 00:25:02,213
♪ Ooh-boo-boo-boo-boo,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
652
00:25:02,215 --> 00:25:05,850
Look at him, dancing to
slur-filled doo-wop music
653
00:25:05,852 --> 00:25:08,119
that only exists in his mind.
654
00:25:08,121 --> 00:25:11,222
If this doesn't inspire
young voters, fuck 'em.
655
00:25:11,224 --> 00:25:13,424
I agree, Nancy. Fuck 'em!
656
00:25:13,426 --> 00:25:15,593
♪ And Seamus and... ♪
657
00:25:15,595 --> 00:25:19,063
♪ The Irish ♪
658
00:25:19,065 --> 00:25:22,600
♪ Seamus and Colin ♪
659
00:25:22,602 --> 00:25:26,537
♪ And Patrick and Sam ♪
660
00:25:26,539 --> 00:25:29,874
♪ The Irish ♪
661
00:25:31,577 --> 00:25:34,746
♪ Big beet-red faces ♪
662
00:25:34,748 --> 00:25:38,014
♪ Glowing in the night ♪
663
00:25:38,016 --> 00:25:42,452
♪ The Irish ♪
664
00:25:42,454 --> 00:25:44,687
♪ The Irish ♪
665
00:25:44,689 --> 00:25:45,989
♪ The Irish ♪
666
00:25:45,991 --> 00:25:48,558
♪ The Irish ♪
667
00:26:10,816 --> 00:26:15,151
♪ The Irish ♪
50601
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